Over time I have come to realise that I engage in the same or similar behaviours that I judge or dislike in other people. I am also becoming more aware of where and when I do this. The next question that arises is, “Why do I do that?”
Coming out of the arrogance of “I don’t do that!” to the curiosity and humbling of “Where do I do that?,” into the understanding of “Why do I do that?” helps me get on top of my judgment of others by addressing what it is within me that needs to be looked at.
This process is a great step towards self-responsibility as I learn to understand myself and others more deeply. Asking myself these questions allows more intimacy to develop in my relationship with myself and others, which over time cuts out any comparison, judgment or competition and clears the way for me to see where I also engage in the same unloving behaviours that I was once judging others for.
For example:
When I find myself judging another person as being ‘needy,’ I have noticed just how much ugliness and vitriol I have been capable of verbally throwing their way or even worse, thinking about them, that then taints every single interaction I have with the person I have judged so harshly.
This is the arrogant “I don’t do that!” stage.
The more I connect to my body and listen to how it feels as a result of my choosing this kind of judgment and ugly behaviour, the more I can feel it taking its toll on my body and this awareness is what starts to break my defences down. This is when the question “Where do I do that?” comes into the picture.
Over time, having repeated this behaviour I have gained a greater awareness of where I act in a needy way and have learnt that it is by going back and connecting to myself that I am able feel how these behaviours are affecting my body and other people.
This is the part that eventually allows me to ask myself the all-important question, “Why do I do that?” In this space there is an invitation to be deeply honest with myself, and in the case of being needy I have come to realise that it has stemmed from a deep hurt of not being seen as a child for who I had innately felt myself to be, and the feeling of a deep sadness in disconnecting from that knowing of myself at an early age. I have come to understand that the neediness is a seeking, but the connection that will truly stop the search is the connection within myself. I left myself and then sought others to fill what I refused to fulfil within myself.
While this is a work in progress in reducing my need of others and connecting deeper within, I find that this understanding of myself wipes away the judgment that then gets dumped onto others and taints all relationships.
I often ask myself questions such as: “What responsibility am I avoiding?”… or, “What is my responsibility?”… because underneath all my unloving expression is a divinity that I am responsible for showing and shining into the world. These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us. So, if I live, holding my divinity as precious beyond words, I am communicating to others… “This divinity is acceptable and accessible and the truth of who we innately are and how we can live”… and it is this I have come to realise that I have been avoiding – the holding of this inner knowing of who I truly am for all to feel.
So then… why do I do that?
Coming to this answer I have to be honest, connect to my body and go deeper and feel the depths of self-rejection, as a way of understanding why I do what I do. It could be that I have held onto a hurt from a past expectation not being met: I could be holding onto a belief that I, others or life should be different and thus I am trying to make it into what I believe it should be over and above what the truth of the matter is at the time.
All this rejection and avoidance is foreign to that which is within me; it is not naturally a part of me. Being open and honest in this way helps bring an understanding to my own and others’ behaviours, for when I am not acting from who I know myself to truly be I tend to take things personally – which hurts me – so to come to this understanding feels liberating as I no longer feel held in the cycle of berating myself for something that is not even truly from me in the first place. It exposes where I have lived in a false light of who I am and not in accordance to the divine light within me.
Asking myself “Why do I do that?” and other like questions comes in when I have chosen to be honest, raw and real with what is truly driving me to do what I do in life. It is a great tool of self-reflection and helps bring a greater understanding to myself, others and life situations.
By Leigh Matson, Learning Disability Support Worker, UK
Related Reading:
The Science of Reflection – what is it reflecting to us?
Reviewing, reflecting and appreciating our choices
Is change possible? Understanding the choices we make and why!
Words on Serge Benhayon 
Gill it is interesting that for most of us we live life not really thinking about it or really noticing that it happens, we call this being on auto pilot. This is a withdrawal from life because at some stage we have decided not to fully engage with life, maybe because we feel let down by life? We blame the world rather than our part in it, this is what needs our attention.
❤ Thank you Leigh, we do feel everything in our body and learning that it is not a gut type of thing is exposing the fact of what True light❤ feels like in our bodies.
There is so much more going on around us than we maybe want to admit to. So, we have a situation where we go into reaction, but what are we reacting to? Are we being shown something which we do not want to see and therefore by going into reaction this masks the learning that was on offer? When we go into reaction we spiral into judgement, justification, victim mode etc., it keeps us stuck in a pattern until we regain our awareness that actually we are being played with by an energy as yet unseen that actually feeds off our reactions. If we did not react, they would not be able to exist that’s worth considering next time we react to ask ourselves why am I reacting what is really going on here?
The more conditions that are felt in life then the more the feeling of judgement has crept in thus exposing the conditional-ness we have around others, thus then deepening our evolution and exposes the lies we have been living.
“I have come to understand that the neediness is a seeking, but the connection that will truly stop the search is the connection within myself. I left myself and then sought others to fill what I refused to fulfil within myself.” Neediness is definitely from an emptiness, I usually have a picture I’ve bought into as well that I have given my power to around how ’great’ life will be when I get that outer thing, but it’s never the case. It’s a real trick because all we are is within and we don’t need anything. Thanks Leigh for all the reminders here that responsibility for self is key in neediness and judgement.
Melinda I was struck by Leighs words this morning and saw that you had commented on them too.
I am discovering that the neediness that Leigh talks of is the loss of our connection to God and the universe. This is the emptiness that can never be filled while we are in the disconnection which we then seek in others. The only way to fill our emptiness is to rediscover our connection with God and discover from this relationship the riches we carry within us but at the same time for whatever reason we deny ourselves from having. We actually starve ourselves of God which is the most important aspect of us.
“These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us.” What a great way to look at ourselves and take deeper responsibility to simply be the love we are. There are so many gems of wisdom in the blog, thank you Leigh.
There is something in these words
‘“These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one”
It feels to me that these words have been used before as a way of belittling so that we never reach that inner core or essence of who we are its a curse, said in such a way that we stop looking and accept the rottenness of life instead.
Thanks Mary, it does feel true what you have shared here. The human being is so thoroughly assaulted by negative ideas about itself that no wonder many give up or accept a life of mundaneness or misery – when actually our inner true essence is so glorious and divine.
This process still continues today I find. Just last week I understood another area of life that has been dominated by judgement towards others and quickly I was able to feel how yuck it is, call it out and start unpicking it. Not being judgmental towards others is a different reflection because even in hidden guises (as recently found out) judgement can be going along in the background.
If we leave out the conditions we place on others then the judgment’s are also always simply exposed.
Hey Greg perhaps we should ask ourselves the question where are these conditions coming from? We also have expectations on ourselves and others which is a huge burden. As an example, many of us have an expectation that our children will have a better life if they go to university get a degree etc., but where do these ideals, beliefs, expectations come from? Is it possible that we have been convinced that the answers to life are to be found outside of us, out there, somewhere, but what if this was a lie and that actually the answers to life are actively living within us all.
Agreed Mary, life is full of conditions that are place outside of the Truth❤ of who we all innately are and when these blogs become a normal conversation around the dinner table maybe people will start to understand the path of return, as the corruption is seemingly exposing itself at present and many are asking for the Truth❤️.
Leigh I was with a group of people recently and we were talking about how on one level we can say something positive to someone but on a different level we can be in jealousy and comparison and be completely slamming them with the energy of jealousy while smiling at them at the same time. So as you have said there is a lot going on in the background that we are not aware of, but it is still going on. What I am waking up to is that we lack the understanding of what is actually taking place in life on levels we have disconnected from.
We would all be completely in the dark about this science that is not talked of, if it wasn’t for the presentations of Serge Benhayon and his ability to unpick the unseen energy that literally plays with us. We are mere puppets for this energy because we have given our power away to it. Serge Benhayon constantly reminds us that we are so much more than just humans we are beings in a physical body that we have labelled human as the outer shell that contains the being, hence the word human-being.
This was a blog I needed to read today, I appreciate how you say
“These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us.”
So for me the question then becomes why do I avoid this inner knowing of who I am and where I come from and why do we try to hide from the truth of who we all are? Is it possible that if we were to stop long enough to feel we would get a sense of the rejection we received as children when we were not accepted and cherished for the light we carry within us?
We could always ask ourselves, what energy am I aligning too? First always comes the choice of energy we align to well before anything else.
Absolutely, once we have the alignment to our divinity, we are then free to understand who we Truly-are.
Judging other people is also very controlling as we control what we think other people can either handle or cope with. But who are we to judge? And that is why it is so controlling, but why are we so obsessed about controlling others and life? And is this want to control a learnt behaviour which keeps us apart from others and so endorses that sense of being an individual. While we perpetuate this desire to be individual it will keep us from the understanding that we are all equal and come from the same source.
Thanks Leigh, I really needed to read this today! This is something I need to bring into my life again and also look more deeply at taking responsibility for staying connected to myself, rather than looking for something from others or having expectations or demands on people. I have had some big reactions recently in a relationship, and underneath it was the realisation I was doing those things myself.
And by living in alignment to our Essences, Inner-most-heart / Souls, we also are living in the appreciation of our divinity and the reflection we receive from others.
‘All this rejection and avoidance is foreign to that which is within me; it is not naturally a part of me.’ That’s crucial in the process of unravelling to come to the truth of what life truly is about and not go in a new reaction like beating up yourself.
Observing a true reflection from another who is moving in connection to their inner-most being is an inspiration to walk and talk your own true way of living.
We do it because we are not connected in that moment to our soul, we do it because we are aligned to an energy that gets off on comparing itself with another, awesome Leigh you noticed this and called it for the imposter it is.
At work, if I am not paying attention to my movements, I can easily get caught into reactions. If I am together in everything I do, then I can observe and not absorb.
And thus can respond with Love and Harmony from our Soul.
What you are both saying Alexandre and gregbarnes888 is that if we pay attention to our every move and move within the harmony of the universe then we are aligned to an energy that we could say is reaction- less there is only pure love which as you say Greg comes from our soul. The more we align ourselves to the soul the deeper we can feel and connect to heaven once again.
Thank you Mary, and may I add that the 12 constellations are also worth while opening our hearts too as much has been opened by this connection.
Awareness. Such a truly awesome awakening as when we have more awareness of how we live including of our thoughts, actions, movement … basically all forms of expression (like you shared about being aware of judging others) that is when we can change them 🙌✨❤️
While there is much simplicity in these last steps I must say, sometimes getting past the “I don’t do that!” can take a while. Connecting to the body repeatedly is the only way to chip away at that arrogance.
I totally agree with you Leigh, there can be many layers to “I don’t do that!” and as you say the only way to release ourselves from our self made prison is to be prepared to look honestly at our behaviours as they are exposed to be healed. In the healing we are given the grace of space, the space to feel who we truly are.
Great to ask the question why we do things as it allows us to take a step back and see the root of it and I love what you share about first coming out of the arrogance and into the honesty in order to be able to get to this point.
This is a very honest blog that shows how we project onto others what we want to see, rather than checking in with ourselves and asking the question what’s going on for me. It’s fascinating how the desire to blame other is so strong in us, rather than checking in with how we are and what we are contributing to the situation.
It also shows the science of reflection and how it can be a powerful supportive tool. That which we see so clearly in others is actually what we need to look at within ourselves.
Awesome Leigh Honesty is the first step to healing negative behaviours.
Oh we humans can be so arrogant, choosing to be blissfully unaware of our imposition on others, very freeing (and exposing) it is when finally choose to be honest and look at our own behaviours.
I agree with you Annoymous, I have lost count of the number of times as a child and as an adult when I have pointed the finger so to say and said it’s your fault to another without ever stopping to consider my part in the equation. I’m only just beginning to allow myself to understand and appreciate the science of reflection and all that it offers.
When we can recognise that everything before us is a reflection that supports us to develop and evolve, especially when we are in reaction to it, we can deal with the reaction very quickly and receive the blessing of the learning.
Catching the crazy-ness of judging another, this comes with the obvious that we are also then judge-mental of ourselves – thus the earlier we catch these thoughts then the sooner we heal the underlying issues that is causing our contriving ways we thinking.
“Asking myself “Why do I do that?” and other like questions ……… It is a great tool of self-reflection and helps bring a greater understanding to myself, others and life situations” Self-reflection is an invaluable tool for learning, deepening and evolving.
I agree sueq2012, I am now fascinated by what is presented for me to look at within myself what is being shown to me so that I can learn and grow from the experience.
Reblogged this on and commented:
Over time I have come to realise that I engage in the same or similar behaviours that I judge or dislike in other people….
It’s a very constructive and purposeful way to work with the reflections people offer us, to examine why those particular behaviours unsettle us and then be honest about why we are judging or reacting. It’s a little too easy and comfortable living with a finger pointed at others, when the only person we can change and have the responsibility for is ourselves. It reminds me of a saying I heard “When you point a finger at someone three of your own fingers are pointing back at yourself.” Thanks Leigh, great to read this again.
I like that saying, it’s relatable. In my job often me and my client are subject to judgmental stares from strangers. Having not slept well for the past 4 days I’ve been pretty cranky and found myself silently staring and judging others on the bus today. I caught it and reminded myself that my poor choices that led to feeling cranky doesn’t give me permission to scowl at people!
Thanks Leigh for what you have shared here, I have those days as well where I am completely out of character and it’s a supportive point you’ve raised about it simply being a signal to check where our choices have been, and go back to increasing self care and love. It takes the criticism and judgement of self out of it as well.
I used to have so many days like that Leigh! Tiredness brought on much of my cranky behaviour, but as you say, it doesn’t give permission to scowl at others! These days I cant even recall feeling like this! getting sufficient sleep supports us so much – but isn’t always possible, depending on your work situation…..
I got to understand myself on a deeper level recently, I had an expectation of someone and as they did not fulfill my expectation I became frustrated and resentful. I have to say I then hated having these feeling because they were so hurtful to my body but the strength of these thoughts coming through me felt overwhelming. I tried all sorts of methods to support myself and in the end I just had to say something if I didn’t I felt I would explode. So I sat down with the person and we had a chat and it was amazing because it actually supported me to go deeper with myself by expressing in full no holding back. And this supported our relationship to deepen as the other person completely understood why I got so upset and we both agreed to communicate more with each other. Bringing understanding of why we react to situations rather than brushing them aside and getting on with life is so beneficial because it then can introduce harmony which nowadays is a very rare commodity.
Amazing that you expressed how you felt with the other which in turn supported you to go deeper and in turn supported the relationship to deepen. Very cool. Expression really is everything ✨
Wow Mary – this is great. Having someone to support us with our expression when we feel like reacting is invaluable. Thanks for sharing
Thanks Mary, I appreciate what you have shared here. I’m also learning the value of opening up conversations with people when I’m struggling with something in the relationship, my normal way would be to internalise it and stew on it, and then not know how to deal with the intensity within me of stuffing down something I needed to share.
Melinda that is exactly what I was doing, as my mother would have said to me I was stewing in my own juice, which is so toxic, this toxicity is then spread everywhere like bacteria and everyone gets tainted with it.
This is how I dealt with life as a child, I internalised it. So to be given the space to express the negative and toxic thoughts from my body was very freeing and my body felt less dense and more expanded.
“….. understanding of myself wipes away the judgement that then gets dumped onto others and taints all relationships.” When we bring understanding to a situation we reduce the chances of judging others. Could it be that we judge ourselves more and we then reflect this out onto others? Dealing with my own inner critic supports me to be less judgmental of others.
Absolute honesty with ourselves offers an awareness of why we do what we do and an understanding of why others do what they do.
Thank you again Leigh for this super wise and supportive article. I know that I cannot get close to the question, ‘Why do I do that?’ without a great big developing foundation of self acceptance and care. Because without that the ‘Why do I do that?’ comes laced with the poison of judgement and self condemnation. So asking the question and feeling how open, honest and understanding I can be with myself is in itself a great marker and revelation.
What a great lesson in psychology you have offered here Leigh. I was inspired by your willingness to ask the questions of yourself in such an objective way, and I get a sense of how liberating and loving this process can be.
When we don’t understand ourselves and don’t have that connection with ourselves we are going to judge others, develop a strong acceptance of ourselves and the mightiness we are and we are going to also have that same acceptance of others.
This is great Leigh, I too notice how sometimes I can have hideous thoughts about people, sometimes strangers and sometimes those very close to me. I started to ask similar questions as my reactions didn’t make sense considering I either didn’t know them or love them dearly. Asking why or what on earth is going on here has allowed me to realise my judgements on people and ultimately myself and begin to let them go.
Hi Laura when we are able to accept the fact that we don’t think that we are supplied these hideous thoughts, or any thoughts, then is it possible to let them go with the understanding that we are a transmitter of a vibration and depending on what vibration we are aligned to will give us the thoughts we receive. I am not sure humanity is ready to hear this yet as we have for eons been led to believe we think, we think, Humanity is currently led by a false intelligence.