Over time I have come to realise that I engage in the same or similar behaviours that I judge or dislike in other people. I am also becoming more aware of where and when I do this. The next question that arises is, “Why do I do that?”
Coming out of the arrogance of “I don’t do that!” to the curiosity and humbling of “Where do I do that?,” into the understanding of “Why do I do that?” helps me get on top of my judgment of others by addressing what it is within me that needs to be looked at.
This process is a great step towards self-responsibility as I learn to understand myself and others more deeply. Asking myself these questions allows more intimacy to develop in my relationship with myself and others, which over time cuts out any comparison, judgment or competition and clears the way for me to see where I also engage in the same unloving behaviours that I was once judging others for.
When I find myself judging another person as being ‘needy,’ I have noticed just how much ugliness and vitriol I have been capable of verbally throwing their way or even worse, thinking about them, that then taints every single interaction I have with the person I have judged so harshly.
This is the arrogant “I don’t do that!” stage.
The more I connect to my body and listen to how it feels as a result of my choosing this kind of judgment and ugly behaviour, the more I can feel it taking its toll on my body and this awareness is what starts to break my defences down. This is when the question “Where do I do that?” comes into the picture.
Over time, having repeated this behaviour I have gained a greater awareness of where I act in a needy way and have learnt that it is by going back and connecting to myself that I am able feel how these behaviours are affecting my body and other people.
This is the part that eventually allows me to ask myself the all-important question, “Why do I do that?” In this space there is an invitation to be deeply honest with myself, and in the case of being needy I have come to realise that it has stemmed from a deep hurt of not being seen as a child for who I had innately felt myself to be, and the feeling of a deep sadness in disconnecting from that knowing of myself at an early age. I have come to understand that the neediness is a seeking, but the connection that will truly stop the search is the connection within myself. I left myself and then sought others to fill what I refused to fulfil within myself.
While this is a work in progress in reducing my need of others and connecting deeper within, I find that this understanding of myself wipes away the judgment that then gets dumped onto others and taints all relationships.
I often ask myself questions such as: “What responsibility am I avoiding?”… or, “What is my responsibility?”… because underneath all my unloving expression is a divinity that I am responsible for showing and shining into the world. These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us. So, if I live, holding my divinity as precious beyond words, I am communicating to others… “This divinity is acceptable and accessible and the truth of who we innately are and how we can live”… and it is this I have come to realise that I have been avoiding – the holding of this inner knowing of who I truly am for all to feel.
So then… why do I do that?
Coming to this answer I have to be honest, connect to my body and go deeper and feel the depths of self-rejection, as a way of understanding why I do what I do. It could be that I have held onto a hurt from a past expectation not being met: I could be holding onto a belief that I, others or life should be different and thus I am trying to make it into what I believe it should be over and above what the truth of the matter is at the time.
All this rejection and avoidance is foreign to that which is within me; it is not naturally a part of me. Being open and honest in this way helps bring an understanding to my own and others’ behaviours, for when I am not acting from who I know myself to truly be I tend to take things personally – which hurts me – so to come to this understanding feels liberating as I no longer feel held in the cycle of berating myself for something that is not even truly from me in the first place. It exposes where I have lived in a false light of who I am and not in accordance to the divine light within me.
Asking myself “Why do I do that?” and other like questions comes in when I have chosen to be honest, raw and real with what is truly driving me to do what I do in life. It is a great tool of self-reflection and helps bring a greater understanding to myself, others and life situations.
By Leigh Matson, Learning Disability Support Worker, UK