My Relationship with my Mother: Walking Out of My Self-made Prison

 

Looking back over our lives we often search for reasons why we did this or that, and sometimes we come across difficult or challenging experiences…

Occasionally we muster the courage, or the will, or even the self-love to ‘go there’ again. To unpack what we remember, to apply our adult knowledge, experience, perspective and understanding to the child we once were who was hurt by the deeds or words of a loved one, which imprisoned us in the lovelessness of our own doubt, self-judgement and denial of our own senses, locking us away under deep layers of self-imposed protection for fear of being hurt further.

The last words between my mother and I were hers. They were barked at me from her hospital bed and I felt her loathing, frustration, fear and confusion. But back then I was just shocked, embarrassed and upset, so I haplessly passed it off lightly as her dementia, which was a result of her having Parkinson’s disease. She was frightened, but I immediately took this personally by going into self-defence in an effort to avoid being hurt any further by her words.

Until my eighteenth birthday, I had assumed that I had been adopted, but the presentation of my original birth certificate showed otherwise, which was devastating to me at the time. Suddenly I was left empty of any reasoning for how I felt I had been unfairly treated thus far in my life.

My parents were not unkind but were actually caring. We were clothed and fed, taken on holidays, etc., but looking back now there was no real sense of love, togetherness or belonging in my family life. At school, I was treated differently, as someone in my own right. There I shaped my own education, making all the decisions without any discussion at home, where I would quietly do as I was told under the threat of some form of small humiliation. This provided a sense of rigid security at the expense of very little frivolity, affection or joy. I realised more recently, that I was never treated as an adult at home and was regarded the same as my younger brother and sister.

My mother and I lived parallel to each other and somehow never really met in the middle. She tried, but I was already so distant and independent that I never recognised her attempts at the time for what they were: simple offerings of love and support.

She and I were very different as we were both influenced by our distinct social orientations and backgrounds. She was at her most joyful when we went walking in the hills, although I felt I was her reluctant shadow.

My mother doted on her father and looked up to him in all ways. He was a marine engineer and spent much of his time away at sea commissioning his engines, a role very much suited to whom I understand was a rather traditional man. An only child, my mother felt rather aloof towards her own mother, who was far more sensitive and motherly and obviously a capable single parent with the support of her sister, with whom she shared much of her married life.

I loved my Gran and changed my name to hers when I was 16. Again, no discussion ensued, though I remember my mother asking why?  She found some solace when she realised why I had taken her own mother’s name.

She never knew of the bullying that I endured at school: I was too ashamed to share this pain, but I took comfort from my Gran. She said little to my silence, but her looks of reassurance and hugs gave me strength. I respected and trusted her. She was my rock.

My mother’s father died the year before I was born, leaving her feeling bereft and probably somewhat isolated with her grieving mother. My father was very unlike his father-in-law and followed in his own father’s footsteps of liking instruction, rather than taking initiative and figuring things out for himself. My mother wasn’t used to this; she was used to capable men.

I feel that I was the reluctant debutante to this new life of mine. I remember feeling awkward, isolated and independent. Our family unit increased as I gained two new siblings, but I remember few joyful moments, having clung tightly to the few I do.

Now, I often remember my cries of “Mummy!” as a child when I was upset or looking for her. But I was always being told that I either cried too much, was too noisy or could not get settled. I took these labels as accusations and they made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to respond and gradually I slunk back into my shell to keep my own counsel as much as I could, venturing out only when summoned. I expect this is when I was branded as being shy.

It is only now after my several years of applying The Way of The Livingness as presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, that I can understand the significance of all that played out – and can bring my love and understanding to all that happened. Applying and living the principles of The Way of The Livingness supported me to deepen within myself the qualities of self-love and appreciation. Because of this, I can now see with compassion how lonely and empty my mother must have been feeling in those days.

Bereft from the loss of her father and a husband who didn’t know how to offer support, I imagine she would have felt very isolated, exhausted, frustrated and anxious, with a baby who screamed and never settled in her cot.

She most likely suffered from post-natal depression, a normally recognised condition these days, but one which wasn’t understood back then. She must have felt utterly on her own and incapable of dealing with my demands, so she took the only course of action she felt open to her and withdrew from me completely.

We lived in this separated manner for 50 years. The asthma I contracted as an infant was the physical counterpart of this separation – a disease of the lungs where each and every breath is laboured and, for me, an accompanying panic and a deep sense of sadness for a love that had been lost.

I can now understand the tightrope mothers of screaming babies walk. You never get a moment’s relaxation, peace or space. Your nerves are strung so tautly, you’re exhausted. You just can’t cope. My father would have helped all he could, but he wouldn’t have understood the depression, he wouldn’t have recognised it. However, he was able to leave me with my mother every morning for the day, only returning home in time for his evening meal. He was born of a mother who spoke of no human, let alone feminine, failing. He held women in fearful respect, never questioning their words or actions. He was none-the-wiser.

My mother was utterly alone, but now I understand and still love her, even though I rarely managed to say those words to her in her lifetime.

I have now freed myself from the imprisonment of this deep childhood hurt and the sense of sadness it brought to my life. Today, I feel a deep wonderment at this healing and an appreciation of how I can now walk through the rest of my life restored and in the knowing that all relationships and traumas can be healed and need not be the jailers they are so often allowed to be.

By Maggie Rogerson, Gwynedd, North Wales

Further reading:
Appreciation – a Pathway to Love
The Way of The Livingness – Understanding True Religion
My Mother/Daughter relationship – from Need to True Love

47 thoughts on “My Relationship with my Mother: Walking Out of My Self-made Prison

  1. The apparent distance we can hold another at can disappear in a flash when we open our hearts and give permission to feel and be and express in a true sense. It is not that problems disappear, but it is that our perception of things changes and we are able to handle things completely differently and be with ourselves and the other. This is not always easy to do, but is actually a simple process, as I have discovered.

  2. We are all such sensitive beings, and to not be held in a space that allows us to express how we feel can lead to us holding on to hurts and not processing them and then harbouring them for years.

  3. Understanding is key in relationships and takes away any judgement we might have of another or ourselves.

  4. Life as I knew it before Serge Benhayon was lacking in Love and that is being kind, so it feels amazing to have our eyes opened to the Truth about what True Love brings equally to us all.

    1. I agree with you Greg when you say that
      ‘Life as I knew it before Serge Benhayon was lacking in Love and that is being kind’
      What I question is why we don’t want to connect to that love that is within us all, and why it is often vilified in society? It makes me wonder why we can be in such reaction to the true words of love? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

    2. Before I read the purple books and met Serge, I always considered that I was an honest person with decent values and reasonable standards.

      I look back on the lies I lived then and the continuing adjustments to my Livingness now in awe and wonder at the love that I can now bestow on myself that I would outwardly have once considered to be utterly selfish.

      To support oneself in deep understanding and love for one’s past behaviours and accept them as falsehoods and part of the drama of our lives back then is a deep and honoured gift.

      And the greatest gift of all, is that once we start to dispell the untruths, we find more and more: freeing ourselves from the trappings of the past to live in our full glory, now and in the future.

      1. What you have written maggiemoonlight57 resonates with me, as I look back on my life and wonder how on earth I managed or survived without going under in a fit of despair. I accepted and took on all the negative slings and arrows that were thrown at me and added many more of my own. I was determined to cast myself as the villain. The greatest gift I was given was from Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine Team they supported me to understand I am not a bad person, I just made some unloving choices for myself, which I am unpicking and as I unpick the lies I fell for I feel so much more alive and want to participate in life.

      2. It is amazing the conditions we place on ourselves and when we start to come out of the mud of creation and are able to feel our way through all the tripe! it is amazing to understand that we have always said yes only now the yes is to the movement that aligns us to the universes, and thus are able to express Love ❤ without hesitation.

    1. There is nothing that we currently have in life that can truly compare to The way of The livingness, it is something that when lived feels so loving and grand. Every day is filled with wonder and joy and the days just seem to melded into one day and now it makes so much sense to me that we are living the one day everyday just like the film I watched called ‘Ground Hog Day’ Where the main character lived the same day every day until he learnt the lessons of life he was there to learn.

  5. For so long we have chosen a way of living life where we have hung on to the layers of complexity that are our own creation. With the simplicity of The Way of the Livingness we can begin to unravel the past and to live the future now.

    1. Well said Susan, and blogs like these can give us permission to explore and feel and thus in the process help us to let go of old hurts.

  6. We’re the ones that walked into our self-made prisons and we’re the only ones that can walk out, no one can pull us out, although as you have done Maggie, we can, by reflection show others that the door is permanently open for us to walk through.

  7. Understanding people who have not the tools to face up the intensities of life. At this moment there is a lot going on in this world, and yet, seated here writting this comment I can feel joy, a contentment within myself. This is coming from the solidness of having built foundations of love in my life which allows me to cope with whatever comes up. Feeling grattitude for having met Serge Benhayon and his family, for the reflection they offer about how all Humanity can live. Thank you for being there, offering your support to many people around the globe who already changed their lifes.

    1. Inma I share your sentiments regarding Serge Benhayon and his entire family, they are unstintingly offering of support to the world by living in a way that allows us all to feel that there is a different way to live one which brings joy to our day, rather than living in fear, frustration and bitterness of a life not lived to the fullness of what is on offer.

  8. Thank you Maggie. Reading your blog brings me to appreciate being part of the Way of the Livingness. Having access to the Sacred Esoteric Healing modalities have entailed for me an enormous support to face up and heal my hurts too. It’s a true joy free us up from the resentment, anger, sadness…and all the emotional attachments with our family. These days I can see how my relationship with my family and friends is far different of how it used to be. There is a beautiful detachment, more honesty and lightness, joy and deep appreciation for the precious beings we all are.

  9. There is a depth of wisdom you have shared that can be an awaking for everyone. Reading the truth of our past and the energy that caused people that were closest to us to act in the ways, that did not let them express their true essence. When we shine a light and expose the beauty and love that was never allowed to be expressed, old hurts no longer have a foundation within us.

    1. Yes Steve, and when someone does that journey of healing and share it, that ignites other’s healing as well. Indeed, after reading this blog I can feel a clearing in my own relationship with my mother and childhood.. Thanks Maggie.

  10. Thanks Maggie for sharing your story. It is so important that we remain open and willing to understand one another, especially our parents, because I’ve found a kind of stuckness and narrowness in my own hurts, and the understanding I have gained of people has allowed me to expand out of that narrowness and see the bigger picture and realise that what I experienced was not personal. It’s still essentially to be real about what’s hurt us, but as you say, it doesn’t have to imprison us, we can heal and release ourselves from hurt and trauma and return to love.

    1. The thing is there is no truth in feeling hurt. Feeling hurt is simply an alignment away from God, one of the unlimited array or things that we do, say, think and feel that take us away from alignment with Him and into the universally accepted alignment with everything that is not God. As a child, I could have stayed aligned to the God that I knew in my body if I would have had a parent that was able to remind me about alignment but I, like pretty much everyone else on the planet, didn’t. And so I was gone and gone for a really, really long time. I aligned myself to a consciousness that kept me stumbling around in the dark for 35 years. Today my understanding of alignment brings a crispness to my life, feeling hurt is simply an alignment away from God and so I won’t go there because I am dedicated in my alignment with God.

      1. I agree with you Alexis we none of us had parents who understood the differences in energy as they themselves didn’t have parents who understood either. Is it possible that we live within an old age consciousness that doesn’t allow us to feel our connectedness to God. We have as a collective made life one of smoke and mirrors but behind the smoke and mirrors the truth is unaltered.

      2. “We have as a collective made life one of smoke and mirrors but behind the smoke and mirrors the truth is unaltered”, yep it sure is Mary, the truth is right there unaltered and unalterable.

      3. Beautifully said Alexis and so true as young children we absolutely know God and it is a choice to move away from that. Re-aligning back to the truth of who we are brings that re-discovery of the truth in life.

    2. Spot on Melinda – hurts are here to be healed and this does mean realising that when things happen we cannot personalise it, otherwise the hurt is more deeply ingrained for us and the damage deeper. When we bring understanding and don’t take things personally, this can change the entire course of healing which then becomes an enlighening process that brings a deeper connection to self and the other.

  11. If we truly want to understand another we can. Too often we are too caught in pictures or emotions to see beyond the perceived hurt. If we make Understanding our focus instead of being right – imagine the light that would come to life. Thank you for this vulnerable and honest sharing Maggie.

    1. Thank you Joseph.

      I really do look on my unfolding like the peeling of an onion. How the outer layers are sometimes already drying and peeling away as we basically start maturing and settling into the lives we have made for ourselves: the little dramas that turn on those all-important lightbulbs of awareness…

      And then the intermediate layers tend to loosen and then peel away fairly easily, with a little judicial care and understanding. But it is the inner layers, those which developed very early on in our lives, the thick ones, well-constructed forms of protection, very tightly wrapped around even deeper ones, as though their duty is to protect the lower layers; the innermost (us), and so on which are the hardest and most resilient.

      This was a hard one, founded on a false sense of loyalty and an unhealthy respect for my parents. From a very early age in my childhood.

      But there are more, and these are challenging me; teasing me almost. I know that they’re there. I feel them, but I can’t yet identify them.

      I know that I am resisting them. Fearfully.

      But I am worth rescuing. ❤️

      1. There has never ever been more support on Earth for us all to peel away the layers of the What is Not to reveal the resplendent and glorious What Is, than there is today. We may not be consciously aware of the invisible hands working around the clock to help us to move through whatever it is that we need to work through, to bring us the awareness that’s needed to reveal something that up until that point has felt hidden or to provide us with exactly the right person at exactly the right time to say or do what we need them to do in order to evolve. We are the united mass of God and slowly, slowly we are beginning to wake up.

      2. This made me ponder on past life experiences. We are energetic beings and we may not at this stage remember our past lives but they are within us all the same and they have an influence how we are in this life.

      3. Maggie I can relate to what you are sharing that
        ‘false sense of loyalty and unhealthy respect for my parents. From a very early age in my childhood’.
        I am like you peeling away the layers of protection that we cast about us as children in an effort to make sense of something that makes no sense to us because as children we are a radar for truth and when we are surrounded by lies it topples our compass of what we know to be true which is our connection to God.

  12. 👽 Our wayward spirit bars us from the wisdom 🦉of our evolutionary path 👩‍❤️‍👩 when we are imprisoned ⚖️ by our ideals and beliefs 🎯 about the way our Soul-full-ness 😇 can unfold.

  13. Thank you for sharing Maggie, it’s an inspiration for us all not to hang onto our hurts as this can as you say imprison us, not only for this life but for life times if not dealt with, as the hurts colour our perception of life. When we can bring understanding to any situation it can change our whole outlook on life and how we are with ourselves, which has a knock on effect of how we are with others. As you clearly demonstrate the way your mother was behaving and feeling had an impact on you and those in the family that she was unaware of herself.

    1. Ironically, Mary, it was my truthfulness to my mother of a nightmare which had frightened me which stole my her away from me.

      She could not at that time, respond to me equally truthfully. I feel that my recollection stunned her.

      So, to release us both from this prison brings me the deepest joy and the releasing of happier memories.

  14. “All relationships and traumas can be healed and need not be the jailers they are so often allowed to be” that’s it right there, the absolute gold of life, the golden key.

    1. Thank you Alexis; and my mum and I were offered golden nuggets too.

      We each experienced reoccurring dreams; and whilst it was the telling of my dream that caused my mum to withdraw from me; she also left a golden nugget for me in the form of a transcript of her own reoccurring dream which I read when my sister and I were going through her journals after she had passed over.

      It was indeed the golden key that released me from my own prison. Through the process of “going there” and applying my own compassion and understanding, I released her love for me, which in turn dissolved my own hurts, freeing me to accept and reciprocate her love.

      1. Maggie it’s the understanding isn’t it that’s the golden key or perhaps one of the golden keys. There’s absolutely nothing that can’t be understood when we know the energetic truth of all things. It really is our own enforced ignorance that keeps us imprisoned in unnecessary emotions.

  15. Maggie reading your story has highlighted for me my absolute love of people. The descriptions of your family were so vivid that I could feel these beautiful people so clearly, as well as feel the incredible depth of you.

    1. Absolutely Alexis. A lack of understanding brings judgement which is a poison to everyone, quietly gnawing away at our own reason and compassion. But we also need that courage to go back to our traumas with the love and innocence of our inner child.

      We truly do rescue ourselves.

      1. I agree with you maggiemoonlight57 judgement is a poison, which as you say gnaws away at everyone.

  16. Oh Maggie I absolutely loved reading this, you are a natural and incredibly gifted story teller, I was drawn into your life and through your beautifully detailed descriptions I could picture everything so clearly.

  17. When we reflect on our family relationships we often find that our greatest hurts are those we impose on ourselves..

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