Where Do I Do That?

It came to my attention that I very much do the things that I judge wrong in others. Opening up to this arrogance and actually making statements such as “I can’t say I don’t do that” or asking myself, “Where do I do that in my life?” has deepened my understanding of myself. This in turn brings a deeper quality to my relationships with others as I am now able to be with them and not the perceived pictures I have formed in my mind of who they are, based on their actions. My actions may not be the same as others, but when I ask, “Where do I do that?’’, I am asking about the feeling of the action and if that action also plays out in my life. Chances are that if I am reacting to another person’s actions then I am in some way doing the same thing, OR I have done the same but have yet to learn the full impact of what that choice has on others.

For example:

  • I may feel angry towards someone trying to show off, yet I sometimes show off in other parts of my life.
  • I may get upset when a person is acting small and not standing up for what they feel, yet I shrink in areas of my life and play small. Asking myself, “Why do I do this – what is it that I am getting out of playing small?” allows me to come to terms with, understand and accept my choices, then make the adjustments that are required to change my stance.
  • I may feel angry with someone who barges into a situation like they know everything when they haven’t gotten to know how things work. At first, I may react, but once I ask myself, “Where do I do that?” I often remember a previous situation where I did exactly the same thing… coming in like I knew everything. I then get to feel the flipside of the situation. And I can also see this play out every time I give advice that comes with any sort of judgment towards the person, in thinking that I know everything – it is the same thing.

When I ask myself “Where do I do that?”, there is a magic at play that is perfectly ordered and arranged for me to experience a situation in life that answers the question – such as the memory of how I was in a previously similar situation, or simply by the moment coming around again, but this time my catching it rather than examining the reaction in hindsight. Wherever we place our focus it’s like that part of life starts to become magnified, – like playing ‘Spot the Mini (or any other type of car)’ game where once you start looking, you see Mini cars everywhere, – and this is no different for self-reflection.

What I am learning now is that remaining in the arrogance of “I don’t do that!” feels horrible within my body when compared to the openness, curiosity and willingness to understand myself that asking “Where do I do that?” brings.

Trying to hold onto the fact that I am an individual that is separate from the actions of others is very exhausting and becomes a strain on all relationships. Acting individual also prevents me from appreciating the reflections and lessons I am receiving from others. And yet sadly “I don’t do that!” is a stance that is generally accepted in life. Making comments about another person’s abilities for example, comes with this tone of “I don’t do that” and “I am better thus have the right to comment.”

The fact is we are human and no one is perfect. There can at times be a ruffling of feathers, but there is an ease within me that comes from the understanding I now have. I understand that it’s not pleasant facing your own reflection from the “I don’t do that” stance to looking into the “I actually do that as well” mirror. This is where acceptance, allowing and the appreciation of being willing to see our imperfections can be of great support.

The more I understand why I do something, the less I react to other people – and the deeper I appreciate them for being in my life, the more I am willing to look into the mirror. I absolutely love it as I stop judging myself for that behaviour and I equally stop judging others. They may continue the behaviour but it doesn’t affect me like it used to.

I have learnt so much from the reflection of others and it has been a deeply beautiful experience to stop and look at myself in another – to see and feel the behaviours and energy that make up me in another. It has shown me that we are not truly individual and that we are connected. If I am ever confused or annoyed about something in another, every time now I take it back to myself, there is so much more understanding and then I am not constantly living in reaction, blame or judgment of myself or anyone else. The less reaction and judgment in my life, the greater the appreciation for others and for allowing myself to be a student of life and being open to learning what life is presenting for me and all of us to learn.

By Leigh Matson, London, UK

Related Reading:
“I don’t do that!”
Our tendency to react
Reaction versus response

732 thoughts on “Where Do I Do That?

  1. Realising that we can fall prey to exactly what others who we have judged can fall prey to is awesome …we immediately have a greater understanding and acceptance of others and can drop the judgement.

  2. This is a cunning game of our spirit that we play to avoid taking responsibility ourselves for whatever is being reflected back to us. The “I don’t do that” wall is a protection no different to any other protective hardness towards ourselves and life that we might adopt. There is not an ounce of “I don’t do that” arrogance in our Soul.

  3. Recently I’ve learnt that, while I’ve told this reflecting on my actions before, when giving advice to another there’s no point acting on the back of past situations but rather on lived, fresh, and built upon experiences.

  4. This is the beauty of reflections we get from other people. It is always offering us the opportunity to see ‘where do I do that?’ I have found that lately the person I most react to and felt I was not like them at all, is reflecting a part of me that I was unable to see until it was pointed out by a practitioner. This feels like love, to be shown where you not living the love that you are and come from and the impact it has on others.

    1. We see that impact and feel it as our reflected person is that way with us. We get to experience both giving and receiving. It is a blessing because then we can ask ourselves “why do I do that?” If having it come back around doesn’t feel loving.

  5. Every moment is there for us to learn from. The more open we are to these moments the more we see. Sometimes we can feel uncomfortable with these moments, sometimes we can react but no matter what its still all learning and we will always be presented with these opportunities.

  6. I love your experimental approach to life Leigh, and I think you are absolutely correct in that everything that bothers us or we judge in another we do ourselves somewhere in our life. I definitely would like to experiment in my life more with this to see where I might be judging myself and others. I also love how this takes away the focus from the other person and firmly places it back on ourselves – what a great opportunity to learn.

      1. Yeh it’s the blame and critical part that really weighs us down – it’s a much lighter path if we understand we’re here to learn and that we are not perfect.

  7. When I find myself judging or criticising someone I stop and ask myself “when do I do that?” and I nearly always find that the judgment comes from something similar that I do myself, but have not been honest to see it. It is a great way to learn, 1, to not judge and 2, to see where in my life I have either done that or still do it, this brings a much deeper understanding to every situation.

  8. Do we react and blame the other for ‘their’ behaviour, or do we go deeper and open our eyes to why we’re reacting: what judgment or expectation are we putting on the other, that they’re not meeting and we are reacting against? And why are we expecting it needing them to be different to who they are and how they are behaving at that moment in time? When we open up to ourselves first in this way, learning to observe and not react to our own reactions, it supports us to be with others in that way, too- and brings the opportunity for deeper connections and relationships through that understanding without judgment.

  9. A lot to ponder on here Leigh as I recently felt myself react to what I perceived as judgement coming from some one, I started to feel myself going into blame, now when I say to myself where do I do that, I realise judgment is also in me and feel the effect it has on how I hold another, something for me to feel into with more understanding of myself and others.

    1. I was watching Serge Benhayon TV today and in episode 9 it was mentioned that blame is the enemy of self responsibility. Equally self responsibility kills blame and judgement, opening up to questioning the energy we express in is a great dose of responsibility.

  10. What I am also experimenting with is when I am in the company of another and judgemental thoughts come in. Suddenly I find myself wanting to go into judging another! In the past I thought the thoughts were from me and although I know thoughts always enter depending on what we are aligned to I am beginning to question how I am when I am on my own and what happens when I meet another. I am not saying I don’t judge but there is much to learn when we are faced with a reflection and sometimes all we have to do is hold ourselves and observe instead of react and absorb.

  11. It’s true. There’s a magic about the coincidence of experiences that come to us that in fact provide us with a reflection and a learning about our own behaviour in parallel. Getting past the arrogance that can prevent us from acknowledging the truth, means we can move to the next question: ‘Why do I do that?’.

  12. The more willing we are to be honest with ourselves the less hard and critical we become, and more open to learning and understanding the false patterns of behaviour we have taken on so that rather than go into reaction we can observe with a deeper level of awareness and clarity to see the truth of each situation.

  13. I feel there is a great learning everyone has to come to about the fact that no one is any greater or lesser than another even if another might be more aware or living a greater level of the love they truly are. Because we need to start to approach it like – “they are not saying I am wrong. Rather they are saying I am more!”

    1. Being the one to remind others that they are more is a responsibility that comes from being more aware. It’s not a high horse one can sit on over others. I be more aware than another but thats no free pass to judge or critique but a call to be more aware to understand.

  14. Being open to the fact that everything that is being reflected to us can bring deeper insight and understanding into ourselves is inspiring. Honesty with our own reactions is a pathway that leads to truth.

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