Does the well-known saying “You can choose your friends but not your family,” reveal the fact that from the get go we believe we are hapless victims of circumstance and simply have to put up with what life has handed us? What if there is actually no accident in terms of who we end up with in family; that we in fact choose our family for the learning and experience we need this time around?
If we can accept and embrace the family we are born into, then this forms the foundation of our relationship with family and we are more likely to be open to the learning on offer, knowing we are blessed by everything that unfolds, even if it does not look pretty. This understanding frees us from the belief system that has us as victims of circumstance in our families, caught up in blaming others and feeling like we are haplessly trapped in some kind of enduring punishment.
Bringing more awareness to all our pictures and beliefs about family and all the expectations and ‘rules’ in our societies means that we can start to unpack them and live free from them. There are many rules, ideals and expectations about what a family ‘should’ look like that we are forever trying to live up to, and from this comes the crippling way that we compare and compete with others: a mean judgement of ourselves alongside what we see everyone else doing.
We work so hard at keeping everything looking alright on the surface, no matter what is going on behind closed doors. The key point of devastation here is the simple fact that we are living beholden to external rules, rather than the innate qualities and standards that we hold within which make us who we are and aware of the true potential of all our relationships and what they offer.
One of the many ills of living with pictures is that they keep us in the isolated, arm’s length disconnection from one another as we all collude in the pretence of ‘keeping up appearances.’
- What if the true purpose of family is to learn and grow, and that sometimes this may not look pretty at all? That our learning is so much richer when our attention and energy is not focussed on maintaining a status quo that can be labeled ‘acceptable’ and/or ‘good.’
- What if we all have the responsibility and wherewithal to hold our own and stay steady to what we know is of true value, whatever the world or others might be saying?
- What if some relationships need to ‘break’ for there to be true learning and development?
- What if blaming our adult behaviour on experiences from childhood is a futile and irresponsible indulgence? At what stage do we take responsibility for our lives, heal our past hurts, move on from blame and stand on our own two feet, laying the path ahead with the choices we make?
- What if as parents we stay in dysfunctional and unhappy relationships ‘for the children’ because the world says that two parents together are better? And from the adult role models in their lives, what does this teach children about relationships, integrity, truth and love?
Suspending disbelief for a moment or two and allowing ourselves to explore these ‘what ifs’ opens up the possibility of a whole new way of relating to life, family, relationships and the beautiful, significant and responsible part we can play in all of the above.
By Mary-Louise Myers, age 60, carer for our elderly, health practitioner, mother of 2, Australia & Matilda Bathurst, age 51, midwife, primary school teacher, mother of 3, cook and writer, UK
Related Reading:
A true family model for the 21st century
Building true relationships and positive parenting
True Family
Words on Serge Benhayon 
“What if as parents we stay in dysfunctional and unhappy relationships ‘for the children’ because the world says that two parents together are better? And from the adult role models in their lives, what does this teach children about relationships, integrity, truth and love?”
This statement show just how deep the lies we are fed run, that two people whether they have children or not should stay together in dysfunctional and unhappy relationships. I know of so many relationships that are based on an arrangement of two people staying together because of security and comfort. Worse if children are involved because what standard of life is being reflected back to those children where they are trapped in a loveless family and then grow up to repeat the same patterns as their parents. What we do to ourselves is utterly gross as there is no evolution but a stagnation of another wasted life.
Thank you Mary-Louise and Matilda, as a Student of The Livingness the Loving boundaries that we set with our younger generations and thus the way we share with everyone is a discipline that is Loving❤️ and when the reactions and conditions are dropped as True Love is felt and thus the energy one is in can shift so that the feeling of Joy is exquisitely felt and held as our normal way of living, as True family.
The majority of us live with closed hearts and keep everyone out and this is the devastation we try to block out as we live by the rules of the society we have all had a part in making. This false way of living will implode on itself because there is a part of us that cannot be kept down and entrapped within a body. This part of us, the divineness of who we are, is constantly being communicated to by the universe that is forever calling us back to our origins.
Could it be we live in a house with a revolving door and we hold the key to which way we leave and thus what we learn in life, and that comes from those who are willing to evolve with us or True Family.
Family teaches us responsibility for ourselves and others.
This was very healing for me to read as in reading this ‘If we can accept and embrace the family we are born into, then this forms the foundation of our relationship with family and we are more likely to be open to the learning on offer’ I started to feel something in my body that I did not want to feel to allow it to heal.
If we all provided a community that would support us through to passing over, life would take on a different responsibility along with divine purpose, so we all learn and evolve together.
I am having the most amazing experience with my family as being with them is bringing up all sorts of un-dealt with issues around what family is and what isn’t. Feeling the little girl and the force of someone’s attitude and feeling helpless and then the realisation that actually I’m a grown woman and I can choose differently now. I do not have to put up with such blatant, life draining negativity. If a family member wants to be in this funk then so be it but that doesn’t mean to say I have to take it on and own it as my own.
We literally have soooooooo much to learn about relationships and our responsibility with and in them ✨
Another saying comes to mind and that is ‘blood is thicker than water’ and when we consider how water takes on consciousness maybe water has more consciousness than blood?
When we drop all judgement that comes in when we get, “caught up in blaming others and feeling like we are haplessly trapped in some kind of enduring punishment,” life becomes simple.
“What if the true purpose of family is to learn and grow,” The lessons we learn from our birth family are there to teach us how to live in harmony with our wider family of humanity.
Family also teaches us not to accept abuse just because they are family and so we may make exceptions for their behaviour.
Seeing family as relationships to learn from rather than a ball and chain or obligation to collusion is very liberating.
Perfect for me to read this today, thank you. I can see that the pictures I hold about family get in the way of fulfilling the purpose I have there, which is much more than a familial role. It’s about the full reflection we can bring, and the truth and love we can express from our whole being.
Melinda I agree and what has been a huge learning for me is that we cannot love one more than another, if we hold back love with one we are holding back love for everyone. This does not mean we have to take on abuse or be a door mat but observe life and not get taken in by the emotion of it. The difference is quite amazing. To be caught up in the emotion of life to me feels like being in a full wash cycle of a washing machine, where we are tossed around in constant motion. To observe life feels to me like sitting at the launderette and watching the washing machine on a full wash cycle. No involvement at all which is very freeing and spacious.
What a gorgeous reply Mary, thank you. I have to admit I’m not strong on observing, I’m often in the washing machine tumbling around with it all, not in the launderette watching the cycle! Thanks for your honesty too about love, it’s a huge topic of not having special ones we love and others we don’t, that’s really a conditional and emotional love. Being love is quite different and I am still learning that, to allow the love within out, a love that automatically holds everyone and everything equally. How grand we are but how we have stepped away from our grandness – it is still inside of ourselves though, just waiting for our reconnection to it.
Pretending everything is fine never works and just poisons whatever relationship we do have. As hard as it may seem to be, a broken relationship has more potential for true healing than a fake one.
Thanks Lucy, that gave me a ‘stop you in your tracks’ moment. How strongly I’ve been held by staying silent and not rocking the boat, but what you have highlighted here is the surface of something means nothing, better that it look a mess but true healing be on offer than the polite facade of suppressed hurts and expression, and the presence of abuse or stagnation.
“What if the true purpose of family is to learn and grow, and that sometimes this may not look pretty at all?”
Awesome reflections – our family we are given will alway be an opportunity to learn and grow from – whether we take that gift or not is something we either do or don’t, either way it is a gift.
It is true, what if we choose our family to learn what we know we need to learn but are unlikely to choose it once in incarnation? Just what if…. It is well worth considering what it is about family relationships and reflections ‘pushes our buttons’ so we can learn what has not worked and make a pledge to build relationships based on a true foundation of Love not comfort.
What if indeed. ‘What if there is actually no accident in terms of who we end up with in family; that we in fact choose our family for the learning and experience we need this time around?’ And what if we choose our name as well? I was recently in a workshop where the icebreaker was to discuss the name you had been given and what it means to you. In talking with my partner I discussed what if our name had not been given to us but we actually chose it. It is interesting in how much we let go of the responsibility of the choices we have made or are under the illusion that we did not make those choices or have no choice! … it is so disempowering when we do that.
Mary-Louise I have learnt and come to a greater understanding of families and what they are and present since attending the workshops and courses of Serge Benhayon and I feel much more settled in myself knowing that we are all one big family and that family is not defined by blood alone this is a very narrow way of thinking and an ill belief and trap we have fallen into that keeps us separated from each other which is the complete opposite to how we should be with each other.
Yes, what if we stopped blaming our family and started looking at why they are the perfect choice for us to learn from. I appreciate and thank every one of my family, blood related and other for the incredible learning I have received through them in this life.
We all have so much to explore when it comes to understanding our relationships with True, family, relationships and work. Then as you have shared Mary-Louise the ideals and beliefs around every interaction change in the most glorious ways.
Yes to really look at our relationships and ask questions about them and most importantly how WE are in them (what do we bring to them or not bring to them) which I feel we do not do enough!
Or simply be, is enough or is being something that is always evolving so we are always bringing all of US?
“What if there is actually no accident in terms of who we end up with in family; that we in fact choose our family for the learning and experience we need this time around?” – every situation is an opportunity for us to learn and grow and get a deeper understanding of life and what is on offer. Do we choose to see the magic of this or do we choose to go with how mundane life appears to be?
Unfortunately Henrietta we have become stuck in the mundaneness of life. Until Serge Benhayon started presenting 20 or so years ago,we had little to no idea there could be a different way to view and live life. Serge Benhayon has reintroduced the magic and pure beauty of God back into our lives.