What are we Really in Control of?

The topic of control has been a theme for me of late. Noticing the choices I make, both big and small, where I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.

Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” The crazy part is that I can apply this thinking even when I know what is ‘right’ in my head doesn’t actually work in real life.

I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky. That is until things reach a certain point and, once I reach that point, it‘s like walking away from a wall with a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back to remind me of my place.

Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.

This is the part that tripped me up. To make choices that were more supportive, I thought I needed some form of control but I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.

Take food for example. When food is a loving choice, I look at the food, I know I don’t feel great after eating it and I go “Why would I?” There is no battle because I have connected to myself and not to a mental picture of how great it might taste, or how deserving I am. In that moment there is no choice to be made, it just is.

When food choices become about control, there is an inner battle between the part that knows what feels right and the part that just wants to eat it, regardless.

So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.

This happened not just with food, but permeated every aspect of my life.

Over the years, I took great pride in winning these battles and in truth, I had gotten good at it. I became good at spotting the issue and applying my discipline and commitment to overcoming it. It took focus but it was worth the battle to make loving choices, right? WRONG! That is the trick…

The battle itself is just another layer of control.

I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like. For the record, this is worth celebrating and appreciating.

AND, if there is no choice to be made when I am being loving to myself, why would I slip into the battle between making or not making these choices?

Control!

The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind. Winning the battle filled me with pride, of sorts, as I celebrated my ability to work through a situation and work out why I did what I did. As I say, this awareness is a good first step and it used to be enough, but not lately.

So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of?

I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.

In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest. This is crazy, backwards logic but that’s the point… it may be a kind of logic, but it is not love of any kind.

My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.

So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.

I am forever inspired by the life and work of Serge Benhayon.

By Joel Levin

Further Reading:
~
First Time Mum: Realising Control is just too much Hard Work
~ Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People
~ Using the Gentle Breath Meditation to Develop Conscious Presence

1,313 thoughts on “What are we Really in Control of?

  1. So much wisdom in what you share here Joel, thank you. I really resonated with much of what you shared here, especially this line – “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” – I was like ouch, check, get it. So clear to me that is what I do as well. I will take this into my day today, thank you.

  2. “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”; in these few words Joel there is such a powerful message. The responsibility is certainly ours to make choices that support us to keep the connection with our true selves.

  3. There is so much deep healing presented in this blog Joel. To be aware of the loving choices that are simply listening to our body and the controlled choice of being a slave to our mind, without even realising it is so.
    “So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle”.

  4. This is a great blog to come back to. Now I am sensing control as an unnecessary force that likes to come in to cause a bit of stir because it likes to think it is in control. I can feel how even thinking that I am going to make a loving choice has an opening for control to enter. I get a feeling how body and its movement might have a part to play in this – how it recognizes and responds to love/control.

  5. Battle is such a great word for the control, frustration, annoyance and so on… the inner battle that expectations we have are not being met speaks volumes, and it is this battle that will spill out to the world in how we express if it is not curtailed.

  6. While we hold ourselves in the battle of our mind we do not allow our body to surrender, to relax, and simply enjoy being itself. Why is it that we have a life where we want to have, be, do, see, all of which needs our body to be a part of? As Joel shares here maintaining the simple steady connection with our body allows our lives to be filled with our essence, to know it as who we are, and feel the truth of what our body needs to support it so that our essence can live within it.

  7. Now this is a quote that ought to be put on our fridges as it says it as it is– ” if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Beautifully said Joel.

    1. Indeed it is beautiful said, but is actually the sad story of us all, in being unaware of us using the mechanics of control, which keeps us in that merry-go-round we currently think human life is used to be.

  8. Yes the battle for control. This is such familiar territory! Thinking we have it all worked out yet avoiding the number one element that we all crave so much – connection with another that comes firstly with the connection to oneself.

  9. It is the control of the spirit over our lives we feel, who in its pursuit to live its ideals and beliefs, is regardless feeding us with the opposite to what we feel deep inside is not okay.

  10. “Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” A lot of us use control to feel safe and ensure that we don’t actually evolve within ourselves. I know that I wouldn’t have called myself an overly controlling person, however, I can see how I use controlling behaviours with myself and others, so I don’t have to feel what is sometime really there for us to feel, learn and grow from.

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