The topic of control has been a theme for me of late. Noticing the choices I make, both big and small, where I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.
Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” The crazy part is that I can apply this thinking even when I know what is ‘right’ in my head doesn’t actually work in real life.
I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky. That is until things reach a certain point and, once I reach that point, it‘s like walking away from a wall with a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back to remind me of my place.
Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.
This is the part that tripped me up. To make choices that were more supportive, I thought I needed some form of control but I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.
Take food for example. When food is a loving choice, I look at the food, I know I don’t feel great after eating it and I go “Why would I?” There is no battle because I have connected to myself and not to a mental picture of how great it might taste, or how deserving I am. In that moment there is no choice to be made, it just is.
When food choices become about control, there is an inner battle between the part that knows what feels right and the part that just wants to eat it, regardless.
So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.
This happened not just with food, but permeated every aspect of my life.
Over the years, I took great pride in winning these battles and in truth, I had gotten good at it. I became good at spotting the issue and applying my discipline and commitment to overcoming it. It took focus but it was worth the battle to make loving choices, right? WRONG! That is the trick…
The battle itself is just another layer of control.
I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like. For the record, this is worth celebrating and appreciating.
AND, if there is no choice to be made when I am being loving to myself, why would I slip into the battle between making or not making these choices?
Control!
The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind. Winning the battle filled me with pride, of sorts, as I celebrated my ability to work through a situation and work out why I did what I did. As I say, this awareness is a good first step and it used to be enough, but not lately.
So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of?
I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.
In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest. This is crazy, backwards logic but that’s the point… it may be a kind of logic, but it is not love of any kind.
My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.
So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.
I am forever inspired by the life and work of Serge Benhayon.
By Joel Levin
Further Reading:
~ First Time Mum: Realising Control is just too much Hard Work
~ Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People
~ Using the Gentle Breath Meditation to Develop Conscious Presence
Words on Serge Benhayon 
Life is full of merry-go-rounds, and to name just a few, such as wanting, trying, comparison, judging, jealousy, comfort, sympathy, complacency, desire, need and control and it is our relationship with our soul that breaks these rides that seem to have a controlling interest over the way we are with others.
I’m starting to feel how this control is not me, so to answer the question “What am I in control of?” the answer is nothing. This energy of control isn’t me, in comes through and plays out in my life, yes, but is it a part of my essence? no. It’s an unwelcome guest that doesn’t deserve free rein over my life.
I’m starting to believe we are not in any sort of control at all. If I understand correctly the Etheric body the only word I can think of is built a vessel that it could then posses and have control over and this is called the human-being. However it was not so clever because it failed in its arrogance to realise that all the particles in the universe belong to the universe and so no matter it incarnated into a physical form the particles will always align to the universe. And so we have this forever pull to align to the universe and the opposing pull to be in the Etheric’s creation as a physical human-being we have made a reality of a non-reality that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the universe.
These days I’m observing that the mind is constantly working with thoughts, ideas, projections, pictures…trying to control what is impossible to control, and when I give my power away to them my body tenses up. It’s like our body is not designed to be dominated by the mind but it responds naturally to its impulses in a very simple way. It has a rythim, a gentle pulse within to honour…
Surrendering the mind and allowing the body to just be is a work in process from which I’m learning a lot and yes, definitely the Gentle breath Meditation, Esoteric Yoga and working on my conscious presence is being a significant support to develop all of this.
Thank you Joel, your words brings me back to appreciate how clear our body speaks. It is for us the choice to listen to it or not.
Great distinction Joel between a loving way of life where the connection to love precedes our choices, or a battle to work on love and feel we are nailing it and the one doing it all, instead of surrendering to the love we are and living from it.
Joel this sentence is brilliant because it sums up the illogicality of what we actually do to ourselves
“In essence, I am prolonging my misery; even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest. This is crazy, backwards logic but that’s the point… it may be a kind of logic, but it is not love of any kind.”
This backwards logic is so hard wired in our bodies I have found it does take a lot of hard work to unpick why we want to prolong our misery because it just doesn’t make sense and I feel it all comes back to control. When we control it is all about me, I and not about the whole which we separated from to so we could indulge in the me and I.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” I agree Joel. When connected life just flows – “it just is” as you say. When I try to control I’m manipulating affairs – thinking I know best, when that is often (usually) nonsense……
“My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.” So true – retaining our connection allows for an amazing life to unfold.
“If there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection” – so simple.
Joel is control the same as having conditions on life? I feel they are similar if not the same; as having a condition means we are controlling the outcome rather than just letting something be and going with the flow.
I would agree Mary. Having conditions is similar to having expectations or pictures, and we can feel let down if those aren’t met, rather than allowing life to unfold – but to have a deep connection first.
In this re-read I got the feeling of Control as in Maxwell Smart, in the TV. series Get Smart, and his arch enemies from KAOS as this somehow seems to fit into your blog Joel as truly controlling takes care of any chaos or ill energies in our life.
Control, comfort and comparison, complacency, criticism, critic are all caused by controlling choices contrived by our controlling combative spirit.
And the chaos is not to be forgotten or is that Kaos?
Joel, I have come back to read your blog again and I appreciate your dissection of control and how you can use your radar for realising your are in a battle with yourself to understand that you are trying to control life whilst having forgotten your connection. As you have shared, the simplest approach for this is to come back and connect and then the control is no longer this distraction of a battle ground it appeared to be. Reading blogs like this give clarity and understanding of the universal challenges we are all faced with.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” – Wow this is something for me to sit with as I know that I work very hard to control things in my life! Very exposing to feel this and to be honest with myself about where I apply the control thing. Thank you Joel for this reminder.
Joel I would say the battle is our spirit that wants us to eat something that it knows will take us out of our stillness as it absolutely hates stillness and will do anything to keep us away from the one thing it cannot abide because in the stillness it returns back to the soul, that part it separated from eons ago.
Yuk this is a great analogy of control ‘it‘s like walking away from a wall with a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back to remind me of my place.’ I am right up for cutting that rubber band! From my experience both from myself and others control is so limiting, ridged, overpowering, intimidating and well just plain toxic.
It sounds crazy and backward to the mind but it makes a lot of sense when connected to the body. A great reminder that a loving choice isn’t a choice but a surrender to what is already known as being a loving move.
Control versus Love – a battle or a surrender? It’s up to us what we make it to be.
I have discovered we are not in control of anything, it is another complete illusion that has us on our bellies scrabbling around in the mud of creation. I have the most utter respect for Serge Benhayon and what he presents because he is the only person that I have met that is prepared to tell the world what is really going on and if we use the teachings as a support we can free ourselves from the illusion of life we actually live in. I have always felt I was living in a nightmare and actually I am. The night mare is this false life which we have made a reality that in years to come when we break the illusion we will discover wasn’t a reality at all but an illusion.
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind. Winning the battle filled me with pride, of sorts, as I celebrated my ability to work through a situation and work out why I did what I did. As I say, this awareness is a good first step and it used to be enough, but not lately.”
Joel I agree our spirit is very cunning and devious and we can think we are working hard on our issues and getting somewhere only to find that it is a trick to stop us from reuniting with our soul.
We / our spirit works extremely hard to avoid the one thing that we actually want to do the most and that is reunite with our soul this is the only reason we are here on this plane of life. And we will keep going round in literal circles until this occurs. We can kick and resist but all resistance in the end is vain. I absolutely hate the fact that when we make the choice to return to our soul we are interfered with even more.
“The battle itself is just another layer of control.” What a realization Joel! I love it as it showed very clearly how trapped most of us are in this game of control and fight. How liberating is it to stop this game and choose differently!
Joel – you are spot on here; ‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance’, I have noticed that when I am trying to control situations and people then there is a tension and hardness in my body, when I allow and accept there is an ease and a flow in my body and in my relationships – very different feelings.
Joel, what you are sharing is really interesting and makes complete sense; ‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle,’
“there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices”. Agreed! and the tension we feel from our bodies warns us of the difference between the two.
And it is great to be aware of the many forms of control so we don’t let the internal battle control our life.
I find I easily go into control when I make my choices all about me and one that is void of purpose and love.
Control is the force we apply to restrict the inevitable surrender back to Soul.
So simple Liane, and beautifully expressed.
Well said and something I will remind myself of the next time I can feel control raising its ugly head!
We can try and control all aspects of life and ourselves and yet we actually have no control over anything. Control is something that is talked a lot about in the area I work in, palliative care. Possibly because it is the point that our body says no we don’t have control, when we have spent our whole life thinking that we do have control. But like you say Joel the ‘battle’ is the give away. If we are battling, having the sense of control is controlling us, rather than accepting everything that life is offering. Not always easy when we are trying to control it.
What you share here is something for us all to consider as it is the one great leveller in all our lives – we will pass over or die (whichever word you prefer). I have been around enough people who have passed to see there are many ways to do it but what distinguished the struggle and the quality of life is the level of surrender. Those who have surrendered have been so much more at ease and had more fulfilling relationships to the end of their time with us.
Control has two faces. An outside one, whereby we try life to flow in a particular way. Yet, to do that, we need the internal one and that is a body that does not move freely.
Love has not an ounce of control or holding on, or needing anything to be anything other than it is. Love allows space.
Joel this is a great blog to read as it exposes how we use self-inflicted misery to prolong our waywardness in creation.
Control is so disruptive because in truth we cannot control anything, everything comes from free will, the more we try to control something the less control we really have.
Wow, that makes so much sense Sally. I find trying to be in control can be very addictive and one of the reasons is it gives us the illusion that we are moving forward when in fact we are contracting.
I watched one of the episodes of Serge Benhayon TV, episode 2, the other day where he talked about just this. That if we make a choice from our mind it never can be sustainable and that it is about having a body that says no to these things that are not good for us. So from that and your blog I can see how every time my body does not say no to these things I have to deepen in myself or look at why my body is in that state instead of making the choice mainly form my head ‘because it is not right’ to do it.
I find control to be a cover up for a hurt. Because it is painful to disconnect from the effortlessness of love.
If I control the situation I avoid feeling what’s underneath the pride once it deflates which it quickly does if not pumped up again.
If we are all trying to control situations we have a constant battle field and when we realise control is not part of our natural way of being we have an internal battle going on too. When we surrender to the truth the battle simply dissolves itself.
When we think we are in control all we are trying to control is the maintaining of an image that we have chosen and attempting to coerce the world to align to it.
I would strive my whole life to control situations, I would try everything and almost always just as I convinced myself I had it under control, something would come in to show how I was not in control of any of it. What I realise now is we can’t control but we can work with whatever is going on.
When we live from Soul, control does not exist and there is no battle to win, we then simply respond to the impulses of it.
So true Nico, and there is no tension because there is no control and it is like there is no thinking involved either.
Control is a paradox in that we can believe it is what gives us security and governance of our life while in reality it confines us in a self-made prison which we are constantly having to maintain when in fact if we let go of the chain of control, surrender to our Soul, then we have true security, freedom and governance.
So true Joel. When we ‘try’ to control we are bullying ourselves and when we make a loving choice to honour our body there is no choice, it just is.
When you really feel how manipulative control is and how much energy, force and effort goes into masterminding it, it makes sense why everyone is so exhausted and craving for the next caffeine or sugar hit.
I have found, usually the hard way, that to want to be in control of my life results in me living a lesser life than I am actually here to live. Control is really quite exhausting as we are not allowing a natural unfolding of our lives and are always working in opposition to what is possible. Letting go of the need to control can be quite challenging but in the end, it is so very worth the commitment to do so, then life begins to flow with ease and simplicity.
We have to come to the point that we get to see what misery we are creating while we think we are in control.
This is such a timely read – as I was just contemplating whether to place an online order for some food or not. My body has already indicated that it was not very keen on it any more, and I obviously want to do the ‘right’ thing for my body, but there’s a but, a few buts – which already tells me that it’s not about this food, or any other food, for that matter. And is it so true that some of the things I do are not even a choice, it just is with no question. This is such a great point to keep coming back to as I know how deeply we are ingrained with a notion of getting somewhere and having an image about points of progression, and that is what jeopardise the nature of us living the more of who we are.
Fumiyo I can so relate to what you have shared
“I know how deeply we are ingrained with a notion of getting somewhere and having an image about points of progression, and that is what jeopardise the nature of us living the more of who we are.”
I can feel how I’m fighting to hang on to my individuality because this defines who I am and it feels that to not have this identity I will become nothing. And so I resist being more of who I am.
I think one reason why we can go for trying to control others is out of a desire for security in whatever form we believe that to be e.g not letting people get too close so to speak, to not really see who you are in essence in case that gets rejected and the hurt that would result from that, and in that we can make the thought of how it would be having to deal with the hurt much worse than it needs to be…
This sounds very familiar to me Fiona and I get the sense that control is a way to keep people at arm’s length and a way to avoid being love. When we simply just connect to love, control is no longer in our space/body.
We often think we are making our own choices but what if our choices are not ours but they belong to the energy we align to? And, control comes in when we think we own our choices.
Your blog exposes our spirit and its waywardness. What I’m learning is that it has no care or regard for the body at all and we can see this play out in our daily lives, as people wreck their bodies with food, alcohol, drugs, extreme sport, social media the list is as vast as the spirits will to dominate the body for its own gain.
I am discovering the more I deepen the love I have for myself the more I love humanity with all the problems that we face, I feel what the world was lacking was a reflection of pure love and we have this reflection now via Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
A message sharing with us all the importance of being honest in what ways we live that actually control things to be a certain way rather than allowing the space to let things unfold.
Aah control, that old chestnut, so simply and clearly debunked here, once it’s there, our connection is not, and as Joel notes ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’
And control is present when we go into individuality and when we want to take ownership of an end result.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” This is a profound realisation.
A blog worth pondering about deeply- thank you Joel, as I presume we all are locked into our mind and control at some point. Your blog exposes the insidious game of the spirit, that wants us to believe we go somewhere when in fact we are trapped in a lie.
We are all masters of control but if we are to truly evolve we must equally master the art of surrender and come to the awareness that there can be no true surrender without the relinquishing of control.
We may look like we have a laid back kind of approach in life, easy going, but really control can be all pervasive. I liked what you said Joel about if there is any hint of a battle or a struggle then we have dropped our connection, which means that we are trying to control something, whether it be an outcome of something. I can also feel too that we have pictures on how things need to be and if life is not fitting in with these pictures then we can fight tooth and nail to make life it in with the way that we think it needs to be. This can be obvious or it can be very subtle.
‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility’. Wise words Joel and exactly what I need to hear today.
I had a very loving pull up recently where I got to feel my resistance to self-responsibility. It was very unsettling at first and a part of me got quite upset because it had been exposed. Then when I had calmed down I got to feel how important it is to sort myself out and see the responsibility I have towards myself and others.
I love what you have shared here Mary. Gosh none of us like to be exposed do we for our own loveless behaviours? And even though at the time it feels mightily uncomfortable, its so important to feel. Because we are feeling the results of our own choices. In that moment then we are offered space to make a new choice, a more loving choice. The choice however is ours to make.
It might be uncomfortable when we get pulled up, but I have to say, I wish I would have been pulled up much more in my life. Especially in young age. Pulling someone up is pure love for me. It actually expresses how much someone means to you in calling out what they are not.
Super honest sharing Mary. I experienced exactly the same thing last weekend. I felt very uncomfortable and could feel the tension in my body and how upset I was for being exposed. I had an internal battle going on at that point, one was telling me to shut down and don’t express, and the other part of me had an inner knowing that what was being exposed was very much needed and it was calling me to embrace self-responsibility and appreciate the loving pull-up.
Connection determines everything and without it we play games where we live based on a picture, often a ‘good’ one but a picture none the less, and when we connect, we open up to the love we can express and the possibility of loving choices.
For a lot of us life is mainly about how much do we get our own way with things, either overtly or covertly.
When we align to this, it can be a very lonely, sad and empty life because we are going against what life is really about. Love.
Control has everything to do with managing our levels of feeling happiness, validity, acceptance and important and general ‘OKness’ through the pictures and ideals that we pitch ourselves to and measure ourselves up against with our minds. Yet as you have shared, in all of this effort where the focus is on externalisation, we negate the power and freedom of living in connection to our essence, to our inner-heart, to be guided by the impulse of our Soul, where we know not only who we are but also all that we belong to.
I noticed how much I can use organisation as a form of control. I am a super organised person and it comes very naturally for me but how I use that skill can vary. When I use organisation as a form of control, it can have an edge of panic around, like trying to keep everything in its place, organise it within an inch of its life so I am quite the girl scout and super prepared for anything, it feels in my body very rigid and draining. When I use my organisational skills to support what is needed, then it feels much lighter and energising in my body.
As I am also a very good organiser I know exactly what you are sharing here. It is for me an anxiousness that I choose instead of knowing that everything will work out magically not because “I” do it perfectly but because I let heaven work through me and I am held in everything that needs to be done anyway. It is the surrender that counteracts the control.
I agree how control is ever so deeply entrenched. Control is anyway you are not surrendering — If I am forever knowing, then, not holding back what I absolutely honestly feel is it …
What a massive revelation Joel. Exposing the games we are so invested in to keep ourselves in the same cycle as to not evolve.
When we try to control everything we are uptight, rigid and inflexible and in that we all too easily dismiss anything that does not align with our point of view… unfortunately even if it is the truth. I have to add I feel like I am only beginning to realise how debilitating control is and how much it erodes our potential.
Same here Suse, understanding how control works is a start and being honest with ourselves and what is going on around us helps with discarding control. Also, I find understanding that control is a form of individuality and protection helps me see clearly when it is at play.
We have no idea of what our potential can be when we are in control of life. To me it’s like I have been hanging on to a cliff face for so long my fingers are ridged with the tension of holding on. Someone passes by and says why don’t you let go and come along with me. There’s the potential for something different, but if I hang on to the cliff face I’m in control of what is happening as I am making the choice to hang on even though now I have been given an opportunity to try something different. How debilitating is that?
‘Why don’t you let go and come with me’…. that being inspired by another allows us to let go is great as hanging off cliff faces is absolutely exhausting.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” This is such a great marker for us to know when we are off track, thanks for the insight Joel.
I love the simplicity of what is shared here, if we do not have connection with us we can go into battle, good or bad and make choices based on that, but if we’re just connected with ourselves it’s not even a question. And all the while we’re just delaying, a great reminder of what control is really about.
Stop moment after stop moment in this blog Joel. The same energy is at play when we are in control that is at play when when we eat the wrong food. Same, same just different flavour.
So true Joel, ‘…if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection’. In my experience with food, if I crave something that doesn’t support my body then I have dropped my connection way before I have the craving. It is very interesting to then observe and trace my steps back to pin point when this occurred and to understand why. One of the keys to avoid going into an internal battle in my head is to observe what is really going on.
Control, right vs wrong and struggle cannot ever be part of a loving and harmonious way of life.
Absolutely Gabriele, these are sure signs that we have stepped away from our connection to our essence and being guided by our loving quality within that knows how harmony is lived.
Spot on Gabriele and we innately know that control doesn’t support us but we still often fall for it because of the energy we choose to align to is controlling us to go into control, a bit like being a chess piece that is being moved once we say yes to that energy.
It is a huge surprise to me that we want to be in so much control all the time. I always thought of myself as an easy going sort of person, but not a bit of it. I have shocked myself as I wake myself up to feel just how much I do control life and how uncomfortable I feel when something is taken out of my control. This is a huge topic to discuss, so thanks from bringing up.
The whole concept of control has been one where I’ve often kidded myself that I’m not trying to be “in control’ when in fact i am deeply controlling – my work has been a big one to learn to let go of control but not let go of holding the truth.
Great sharing DN, it is awesome to expose control and unpack where it lurks in our life. If we observer how control operates, it is clear that if we have control play out in one area of our life then it is in all aspects of our life. so, when we understand this it makes life so simple, we just have to master letting go of control in one area of our life and like magic every aspect of our life just aligns to the same quality, love instead of control.
Attachment is a biggee. Sometimes I know I am attached to doing something that is not in my best interests, that is not in line with where my body is at, and yet I stubbornly hold on to this idea and run with it – attachment to something outside of me, fulfilling agendas with other people that would not exist if I were to connect to the truth and love that I am, that we all are.
“So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of? I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” When put like this Joel, it is simple and clear to understand. It’s interesting how complicated we can make our lives to be when we hang on to the control.
Once one has recognised what a loving choice feels like it completely disarms the inner battle of control.
On the subject of making things into an internal battle, I can clearly see now after practicing this for a couple days that every time I had struggled with making a certain choice (lets use the food example, as everyone can relate to that one) there has always been this inner voice (my body) that was telling me the truth of how that choice was going to affect me, but many times I would choose to ignore it and do it anyway after a period of ‘back and forth’ internal dialogue. I feel this is all a kind of game we play with ourselves as a big distraction (including the even worse beating yourself up for making the poor choice) to avoid the responsibility of taking deep care of ourselves so we can also do the same with others.
The battle is indeed a distraction and it provides a good old dose of stimulation as well.
Very true Gabriele, we think we have a choice when we are in this battle and stimulation. Once we are owned by the energy we have said yes to that creates the battle, this means our next movements have already been determined. It is when we renounce this level of control and the energy that feeds this, understand what is going on and be open to shifting the energy then, we are able to align to a fiery energy that is void of control, of any form of battle or stimulation, and this is when we are able to feel more settled in our body and this supports us to move in a way that will truly inspire others.
This is a great marker you have set for yourself Joel and one that I not only can relate to (the battle of choices from control vs. the simple loving choice from our body that knows no other way other than what will truly support it) but am looking forward to practicing and noticing when the ‘battle’ has begun. It simplifies life too, to know that when we are connected, the only choice to be made will be the loving one.
I am on a 3 day Esoteric Yoga program and it is supporting me to build that connection to myself and to access the deep stillness, love, and joy that resides within me (and each and everyone of us).
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” . . . there is little wonder that we are all control freaks for if we weren’t the world would not be in the state it is in as more of us would be willing to drop the protection and start taking responsibility for our own stuff.
” The battle itself is just another layer of control. ”
This is so very true any hint of conflict is evidence of separation from the full essence of oneself.
This is brilliant Joel, I could feel the part of me that didn’t want to get what you where sharing in full which is always a great indication for me that wisdom is on offer. You could feel how control is a total game of delay, a side path that is lined with flowers that die off over time. Living love however is a path where flowers forever bloom and flourish.
It has been great to recognise how much I used control in my day to day life. It feels awful, heavy, constricted and dull. The awesome thing is to nominate control when it occurs and to let it go to allow more lightness and love in to my day. This is so much more fun and supportive for everyone.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection” and what is also awesome is that when we have more of a connection, we can pick up on these hints much more easily.
When we are not connected to our essence we are fed ideals and beliefs that are based on good and bad and right and wrong.
When we are connected there is no doubt, no control and no attachment to outcomes.
Isn’t it interesting how many multiple forms of complications we allow to enter our body/life when we choose to disconnect from ourselves.
If there is a hint of battle … I’ve dropped my connection – this completely breaks down trying to figure things out, struggle, and I can see that in fact control is just a way of avoiding the simplicity and surrender that is on offer. And to see this is something to deeply appreciate.
This article is very healing. How absolutely true that for there to be any inner battle, we have lost our connection with ourselves. For in that connection, the simplicity of life is seen, felt and lived and all it requires is our willingness to live it.
The battle itself is just another layer of control.’ Wow Joel, so the battle in making loving choices or not is already a from of control? Ouch, when I connect to what you’ve shared, most of my day I am operating under the energy of control. But, when I am connected to the energy of love, there is just ease and flow, not a hint of battle detected anywhere within my range.
Wow Joel, you’ve really nail what control is. I used to think control was more obvious, dominating and heavy, but what you’ve shared exposes a level of control I was not prepared to recognise until now.
It is true that when we are connected the inner fight seems to subside and makes the choices easier, especially when food and our body is concerned.
Just the word control spawns an image of a big knob that allows you to meter out life on yourself and others.
Hi Joel, you have really spelt this out for us. We are either keeping a tight rein on control or we are connected. It is as black and white as that.
Totaly Kathleen, we so love complication but in truth everything is black and white.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”
Check-ity, check, check check. Simple yet wise and powerful words. I have a few battle scars from some sustained battles. But no scars from when I allow and accept.
” In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest ”
This is very true and the other aspect is that we are prolonging the misery as well.
Yes Joel, control is full of right and wrongs.
I agree Kathleen and control can come across as being very nice and accommodating. Anything that has a hint of control is simply not love.
“I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky” – it is great to see through that one. I am lessening my grip on control but when it was more intense, I used to put out this appearance of being easy going and control likes to think it is at times, but in truth it is not. The complete opposite in fact.
” I needed some form of control but I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices. ”
This is a huge learning for in truth loving choices is the only time we are in control , for at our essences we can only make loving choices.
Joel what a gift you offer in this blog, true words of wisdom lived and shared. The only battle is the battle to not surrender to all we are.
Such wisdom Joel – ‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ – this really gets to the truth of why we invite control into our lives. The fact is choice takes us away from truth because in truth there is only truth.
We are in control of anything and everything that will stop us from surrendering more deeply to the love that we are so that we can live this love unashamedly and uninhibitedly with one another.
Joel, your blogs always bring things back into perspective of what is true and what is not. I am deeply appreciating the reminders in your words.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”.
This makes perfect sense Joel. The key is not to reign triumphant over a self-propagated inner battle. The key is to not engage in the battle in the first place. Through connection we relinquish control.
An inspiring article to read on control, thank you Joel, I well know that inner battle, the wanting to get it right, the merry-go-round the mind takes me on, why would I continue with this struggling when all the while it is connection that I am missing in my life, a letting go of trying to control and surrendering to the love I hold deep within.
‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. ‘ Yes, absolutely nailed it. Connection first and then the choices are there and so it becomes how we move in a way that allows us to get to that choice and knowing that our next move can lead to a different choice if we choose.
This so well exposes the lies of trying and discipline. It’s quite astounding how this right/wrong thing is so deeply ingrained in us and I sometimes catch myself at times trying to get it right in being ‘loving’ – which cannot be loving in its true sense.
Thank you Joel, what I took from today’s read is the difference between the loving choice and when control is present and there is an underlying sense of battle. The battle can be subtle but when compared to the ease and flow of a loving choice it still stands out.
It is always good to remember that only we are the perpetrators of our own inner war. And too there is no one to blame, even not ourselves as when unaware we are ruled by an energy we are not from. It simply comes back to taking responsibility for our own life and to make the conscious choice to connect to the energy we belong to which practically can look like choosing conscious presence in our every days life, esoteric yoga and the Gentle Breath Meditation® to name a few ways.
I don’t know how you do it, but you manage to illustrate through words just how crazy we are sometimes and always offer the antithesis of that craziness.
This is gold Joel, ‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.’ It is simple when we lose connection we become controlling.
True Anna, only by our controlling mind we can lose that natural connect that will otherwise be there with our body and from the body with the universe we all are part of and naturally would be obedient to.
This was an excellent read and has helped me identify that when I am at odds with myself I am in battle mode and simply need to reconnect, because its in the connection that the battle ceases to exist.
This is awesome Joel and very freeing- thank you for your sharing as it shows me the way.
Beautifully expressed Joel you have exposed the illusion of choice! Yes when we are truly on there is no choice, no other way to be, it just is.
I am really enjoying the open communication I now have again with my body. My body is my best friend; I am still not always listening to it. However my body doesn’t resent this and always has the channel of communication open. When I go against what my body is showing me then I know that I am abusing myself by making choices that is going against the love that my body is constantly offering me. That’s the control I have and actually it is very unpleasant to admit to; that I can actually harm my body in order to have control over it.
Our body belongs to a greater body that is the Universe (Body of God) we all live within. As such our body is governed by a certain order and rhythm that is meticulous and divine. Our minds have a ‘mind of their own’ in the sense that through our capacity to receive thoughts dependent on the source of energy we are aligned to, we will either move our body in tune with the universal rhythm or against it.
Someone was trying to tempt me to eat something I knew would disagree with me. It was really interesting to observe because they wanted me to give in and eat it, so that they could feel better about their choice of foods that they like to eat. There was no way in the world I could cross that line to eat something that my body knows would harm me. My Body loves me so much it really is my best friend and when we listen to our bodies we cannot go wrong.
There is quite an energy that comes with “control”. Just reading the title of the blog I feel how it can affects the flow in my body and puts a tension in my shoulders!
Control is the antithesis of connection.. so true. Learning to let go, all of the time, and about everything that we’re holding onto, is much easier and more likely when we’ve build enough consistency and trust with ourselves – to know that we have our own backs no matter what, so that the control begins to feel like unnecessary hard work. When we let go of control, life expands because we allow it to flow towards us, instead of feeling like we need to be relentlessly pursuing the next opportunity.
SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue’ I feel blessed to have re-read this article today For days I have pondered on the question of repeated patterns, without knowing how to moved out of them. To be reminded that all stems from the depth of connection and nothing else, simplifies everything and exposes the futility of self imposed battles.
“My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.” The question I’ve been asking myself “Why do I choose to make unloving choices?” answered in one simple sentence.
It is so awesome to be aware of the internal battle that is constantly going on when we are disconnected from ourselves and this is not natural for us. But so many people including myself have accepted it as life but what you shared Joel inspires us to see that it doesn’t have to be this way. Living in harmony with ourselves means we are able to live in harmony with people, nature, the rest of the world and the grand universe.
Control is that which keeps us identified as individuals, for if we were to renounce it we would understand that there is a flow to a divine plan we are all part of and therefore, it is just our willingness to surrender that matters the most.
Getting a handle on what is a loving choice and what is a controlling choice at least gives us a conscious choice and yes that in itself is worthy of celebration. Recognising our penchant for control it is easier to shine a light on our behaviour and allow a surrender to the flow of life and allow for the magic to happen.
Having nursed for 20 plus years, something that I have observed is that we need to control things. We need to have things look a certain way, for patients to be a certain way, for things to happen at certain times of the day and for everyone and everything to fit into out ward routine. And that is so exhausting….no wonder large numbers of nurses are tired and burnt out. Especially when very few of our patients fit into the box that we have created.
Jennifer, great observations. Very similar ones can be made of people working in age care. The drive to control client and environment is ever present and something to be aware of as we work. I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself and now step back more, allow things to unfold, consult the client constantly and guided by what is called for in the moment, rather than following a routine. This creates space and brings more flow into the day and relationships.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” when I go into my head to sort out a problem the battle starts, confusion and complexity enter I am trying to control sort out fix, when I am connected there is a knowing of just what to do next which becomes a natural flow on.
I seem to remember Maxwell Smart had an issue with control, especially when his shoe was not connected, so like most of us when we are connected control is not an issue!
I love that Greg. Control is not an issue when we are connected – very true.
Yes Jennifer, and it is not to “Smart” to not be connected.
I love this too Jennifer, very simple but true.
One aspect of control is us wanting security but there is no security in control at all and no control in security – it simply doesn’t work and is exhausting.
So true Nicola, control is all the things you’ve pointed out. What I have noticed is it drives people away because it causes conflict and disharmony. Choosing to be controlling is about the individual’s gain or need, a bit like a bulldozer where there is no love present which can cause a lot of destruction in relationships.
Yes I agree great point, control is selfish. There are some people who like to give away their power and be controlled and so it does not drive them away although of course that in itself is another form of control!
” My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.” what if the truth was that one makes a decision and then the choices are presented . But the choices have the same out come just in different guises and we are given the out come control of the guises that result.
‘I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky.’ This is a very important point about control as we don’t often realise just how controlling we are until our imposed conditions on life stop being met. For one person this could mean losing their job or having their partner not express ‘I love you’…there are many ways our controlling way of life can be exposed.
Control is part of the movement of right and wrong.
Control is insidious as we forever strive to not be hurt or disappointed again, to keep up the shield we think will protect us. But control doesn’t work, it adds more pain and hardship to an already overburdened body.
Yes control certainly is an enormous issue… I love introducing an awareness of control in courses, and I have found the best way is a light-hearted approach… “ Hey, most people have, you could say just A tiny little bit of control in their life?” this gives people the opportunity to say oh no it’s an enormous amount.
Perfect to read this today Joel … if there is a hint of a battle connection is not there; this is such a valuable marker for us all, and I love the distinction you make between controlling choices and loving choices … I so know this and to be reminded that always it’s connection first otherwise no matter the choice it’s just control.
We could consider having a choice as a kind of control, maybe this is the only real control we have. The tricky thing with control is that it tempts to identify oneself with it, ie giving us a sense of self or individuality. I guess we confuse it and use it as a substitute for the true power we miss by not living the love we innately are.
“My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.” So in effect we are living the future, for the quality of what I do in this moment is providing the foundation for the next moment.
I find that through the appreciation of the sensitivity in my body I am learning to discern the many layers of control that I still hold in my life, just the simple awarensss of how this plays out has been enough to allow my body to observe and surrender to what is there instead of going into protection in my body and wanting to control the outcome.
It’s great to chat about control and the impacts this version of life can have. We pick up control or bring it in to stop something, to stop a feeling or being aware of something that is already there. We would rather ‘try’ and make things a certain way rather than allowing them to flow how they truly need to. We seem to always run the narrative of something bad happening and this justifies the control when in fact grabbing something like this breaks what is a natural flow of life. There is no end to control and only when we see it for what it is and allow ourselves to breathe the next part do we see that life naturally isn’t like this.
Thank you Joel. You expose so clearly that when we think we have to control anything we do, say or think we have already lost connection to the energy of love where the truth just is.
Simple but True Mary, “Love” holds so many keys, and when connected to Love our awareness, from this divine place can “expose” a life of control as one example.
A great paradox you express here, Joel – lose the battle and one is the winner.
‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection’ and ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have’. So how essential then to sustain a connection and continually allow ourselves more awareness to support the deepening of that connection.
From my observation we are in control of absolutely nothing , the moment we seek control we are lost in our head in stories and picture as to how our ideals and beliefs want things to pan out. The only sense of control we have ,is command over our free will , to be inspired by our will or give our will away ( power give away ).
When we let go of control, through making loving choices we get to be able to truly feel our body and through that connection let it guide us to what supports us best.
Joel the next step on from this
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.”
Is to know that in lovingly supporting myself this way of being naturally flows from our bodies and then it is not about us but all others so that everyone has the choice to feel the love we carry in our bodies and know that they come from the same love too.
This week I am confronted with ‘control’ in every aspect of my life and making myself less is one of them, as I feel how I avoid to surrender to all there is, it keeps me in comfort but at the same time there is an inside battle going on that brings me nothing but harm and not only to myself but to everyone.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle”. It is all about surrendering to my body and just listening.
Control is such a merry-go-round, it takes us absolutely no-where, and drains us completely in the process.
The bottom line is we are either coming from control or connection. Great blog Joel.
The antidote to control is surrender. No battle, no fight, just simple, loving, non-judgemental observations about the choices we make and absolute honesty about how they feel in our bodies.
I find when I feel out of sorts or my connection drops in and out, so do the thoughts and this is then time for me to stop connect back to my movements and note that control is just a behaviour that can be let go of as simple as it is to re-connect to my body and my movements and that is a loving choice I love consistently building more and more.
‘The battle itself is just another layer of control’. Indeed, if we simply connect there is no battle … it seems to me the ‘battle’ is there because it constantly wants to pull us away from the true connection with ourselves. As you have shared ‘if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection’. Great for me to read right now.
When we are being controlling we almost have tunnel vision about how something or someone should look – we basically have a picture in our head that is a complete figment of our imagination and more often than not, not a realistic or practical reality.
Thank you Joel, I really got the subtleties today reading your blog on the difference between battling an unloving choice or actually just being loving and aligning to the souls energy. More to explore, thanks for the awareness.
We are always making a choice whether that be loving, evolving and responsibility or not. What will determine that choice is your will to move towards love as you know and feel it to be.
This is very well put Joel –”So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Most of us are so used to making everything into a battle, so much so that when things are easy and in a flow we think that something is wrong! We have to come to terms with the fact that we do not have to struggle through life.
Gosh do we want to control or what, I see it within myself and those behaviours of others, but why do we have a propensity to do this, my sense it is to keep us protected and in comfort. We don’t want to let go of or really feel how life can be if we did just let go of the reins and allowed our true selves to run the show, not the diminished version of ourselves.
“Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” A lot of us use control to feel safe and ensure that we don’t actually evolve within ourselves. I know that I wouldn’t have called myself an overly controlling person, however, I can see how I use controlling behaviours with myself and others, so I don’t have to feel what is sometime really there for us to feel, learn and grow from.
It is the control of the spirit over our lives we feel, who in its pursuit to live its ideals and beliefs, is regardless feeding us with the opposite to what we feel deep inside is not okay.
Yes the battle for control. This is such familiar territory! Thinking we have it all worked out yet avoiding the number one element that we all crave so much – connection with another that comes firstly with the connection to oneself.
Control is complete illusion and merely delays the inevitable result or learning we are trying so hard to avoid.
Ain’t that the truth! Thanks Jenny 🙂
Now this is a quote that ought to be put on our fridges as it says it as it is– ” if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Beautifully said Joel.
Indeed it is beautiful said, but is actually the sad story of us all, in being unaware of us using the mechanics of control, which keeps us in that merry-go-round we currently think human life is used to be.
While we hold ourselves in the battle of our mind we do not allow our body to surrender, to relax, and simply enjoy being itself. Why is it that we have a life where we want to have, be, do, see, all of which needs our body to be a part of? As Joel shares here maintaining the simple steady connection with our body allows our lives to be filled with our essence, to know it as who we are, and feel the truth of what our body needs to support it so that our essence can live within it.
Battle is such a great word for the control, frustration, annoyance and so on… the inner battle that expectations we have are not being met speaks volumes, and it is this battle that will spill out to the world in how we express if it is not curtailed.
Control is part of the creation we have been part of for so long, once we re connect to a loving way of life there is only the choice you spoke about, the loving choice which just is.
This is a great blog to come back to. Now I am sensing control as an unnecessary force that likes to come in to cause a bit of stir because it likes to think it is in control. I can feel how even thinking that I am going to make a loving choice has an opening for control to enter. I get a feeling how body and its movement might have a part to play in this – how it recognizes and responds to love/control.
There is so much deep healing presented in this blog Joel. To be aware of the loving choices that are simply listening to our body and the controlled choice of being a slave to our mind, without even realising it is so.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle”.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”; in these few words Joel there is such a powerful message. The responsibility is certainly ours to make choices that support us to keep the connection with our true selves.
So much wisdom in what you share here Joel, thank you. I really resonated with much of what you shared here, especially this line – “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” – I was like ouch, check, get it. So clear to me that is what I do as well. I will take this into my day today, thank you.
When I feel that I am obedient to being lovingly responsible then I know that I have eliminated control.
I love the simplicity of this Joel for so many of us get caught in the battle of what we feel we should or shouldn’t do, but if we were to just surrender to the connection, the battle does not exist… for the love within inspires us to move in the way that will support us to remain with that connection and all choices from there reflect that.
So inspiring Joel to read what you share about battle vs surrender. Wow this really does offer me a big reflection to look at areas in my life I may have dropped my connection or seek to be controlling when really this is substituting for a lack of love and quality.
Thanks Joel, this is one of the blogs I often come back to, and today I felt a deeper understanding of what you are sharing. I have often got caught oscillating between two options, not necessarily a good and bad one, just that one is more supportive or loving for whatever is needed at that time. If I let my head come in (with all its “shoulds” and “have-to’s”) then it complicates something really simple that my body has clearly communicated. To allow that complication though I have to come out of my own connection first.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” This is a superb observation of the subtlety of control.
Control comes in many guises and some look better than others; control disguised as a win over an otherwise ‘worse’ choice is just that, a worse choice against a better choice and it is, as you say, still part of trying to control.
There is only a loving way to support ourselves and we are the ones that stand in the way by needing the struggle. I see myself sabotaging this simple loving way of living where allowing and accepting what comes to me has its place. Instead I come up with controlling choices and make life about rights and wrongs. The good part is I am very aware when this happens and choose more and more the simplicity and joy of being connected to the love which is me.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” I am very aware of the control I try to exert in life and have been working to let this go, but now I can feel how much of a battle it’s been and so therefore just another type of control. One type of control (comfort) fighting with another type of control (asceticism). Either end of the same thing!
‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.’ My life has been full of control and I am coming to accept this, which is allowing me to make loving choices which is the antithesis of control, so in living in a loving way I feel full and not empty. I feel my control was all tied up around my emptiness, so I could feel that it was me in control. In reality the control was filling the emptiness, where in truth my connection to love is the true me and there is no emptiness in love.
For more on emptiness go to;
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=EMPTINESS
Yes Joel there is a huge difference between loving choices and controlling choices; I certainly am in the process of discerning. Your blog is a great reminder to let go of control and to accept and appreciate.
In control, we try to avoid the emptiness within as a result of the lack of self-appreciation and self-acceptance, for once we can do that we know there is nothing to control as everything is already given to us and it is simply for us to surrender to the divine flow of the universe.
When we get stuck in our ruts it is those dear friends who call it out and challenge us to address it that are the truest family members one could ever imagine.
When we have a need to control, everything becomes so complicated and everything feels like a struggle. When we allow and accept what is there and become the observer, this opens everything up and there is way more flow and simplicity can come from that.
So very true Joel – great practical understanding of looping around and around. This explains those moments when I thought I’d chosen something only to face it again and again, perhaps I’m not doing the choosing at all?
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” Thank you Joel for a great blog that has given me some insight as to what I have been experiencing of late with the battle of control I have had going on in my mind, I now have an understanding that ” I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.”
This makes a lot of sense Joel. I have experienced both sides of the coin. The no battle side is effortless and without debate. The battle sees me go into my head where a mini war rages about if I’m going to do something or not. And its so true that what precedes the ‘no battle’ is a series of steps I have taken to remain connected with myself.
There is so much ease when making a loving choice as it is going with the flow of life. Whereas making a choice to stay safe and using control to do that creates tension. It reminds me of a dam, trying to contain something vast and powerful that naturally seeks to flow. When I feel it this way I can feel how control goes against every natural and universal law.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”; how true Joel and what a responsibility we have to let go of control.
Great insight into the nature of control, particularly around the example of food choices. The controlled choice = inner battle point is especially illuminating. Could struggle simply be the choice to exercise control rather than go with the flow?
I love this comment Victoria about struggle. I have been noticing how comfortable I am in struggle and how I can use it to justify needing to control.
So what I understand after reading this awesome blog is that our loving choices can never be about control but if we live so far away from truth and love it is difficult to distinguish what choices are controlling. For me, learning to recognise what choices I make that are controlling supports me to let them go and choose a different way, a loving way that has no internal battle or indecisiveness but a steady knowing of what is needed, supportive and loving.
‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.’ Beautifully said Joel
What I just cannot stop feeling is how amazing it is that just in our everyday lives the challenges and lessons we are blessed with can also work like a rubber band that snaps us back to ourselves and reminds us of where we are going.
‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have’ When we understand this then we can appreciate all that Serge Benhayon has given us for he has given us ways to connect and continue to deepen this connection. He lovingly shares this with us over and over again and as his connection deepens he shares more; a beautiful shared journey when we choose to take it.
The “inner battle” you describe is one I can relate to, it is like your whole body feel sense, or hard because there is an unease that we attempt to ignore or rationalise. I love what you share about a true choice almost not being a choice, “it just is…” lovely to feel that and appreciate how honouring how we feel / reading and being aware of energy enables us to feel what is true for us.
And from my own experience when I’m rigid and aiming at applying self control I’m actually running away from problems I don’t want to admit I’m carrying.
Great questions Joel. As so often I had championed being in control of my life and the choices I was making, but now I realise that what I was actually controlling was holding myself back from accepting the responsibility of allowing my love from within to guide me. As from here there is true power in living life from a place of surrender where love is in command, as opposed to a life otherwise lived in absence of our love, from a controlled perspective where our quality of life is limited, dictated by ideals and beliefs from our mind.
There are two faces to control: we control ourselves to avoid being what we naturally are. In this case, through control we fight ourselves. In relation to the others, control is an illusion based on another illusion (that we are merely human beings). So, through internal control we fight to be just human and then apply this to the outside world. When we do it, we confirm and support ourselves against being Divine.
This makes so much sense and is behind much sadness I’ve been feeling, “In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest.” Control can be so subtle, especially when it looks like you are being loving but the inner battle is consuming all your thoughts, movements and choices. Brilliant blog Joel!
Control is a choice to not choose love as the way to be. Control projects onto life, love unfolds life.
I love the way you have describe these difference. The projection of how we want life to be and trying to control life to make it fit that picture and the unfolding nature of life, when held in love, a delicate flower to be appreciate , relished and tended to with care.
Great to read this again today. I reckon acceptance and letting go is a big part of healing control. and observing very much a part of lovingly dealing with the harshness of life. In the observing the understanding can come which also can help with the letting go process.
What a stunner of a blog Joel. It really shows there are only two choices Love or Not love. Even when we are in control and for instance after ‘the battle’ choose to not have the unloving thing, it is still not love because as you said as well love is, and there is no battle in love.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility” – I totally agree with you. When I make things about it being right/wrong, I am blinding myself from knowing in full what is actually being offered – and it is no longer about love.
I like what you write about control appearing happy-go-lucky at times but as you expose here, it is so not. I get caught on that a few times and think I can be easy going about something, and go I’m fine with this, walk a little further and yes that rubber band does snap you right back and I realise I am not fine with it at all! Control, a great topic to bring out to the open and see how it plays out in your life.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” This feels like a ‘Eureka’ moment Joel – a brilliant moment of self-discovery.
We are taught to use control in so many ways and in so many areas of our lives that it becomes such an ingrained response that we think of it as being natural.
This really got my attention “Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.”
Interesting that control is a complication. Well actually it makes sense because letting go of control leads to simplicity which is natural and just flows.
It sure is complicated as it brings in a myriad of beliefs that leads us around that merry go around once again.
I love what you are sharing here Joel (as are the kookaburra’s!), if there is any mental will, discipline, battle of the will’s and wont’s, should’s and should not’s there isn’t any love present. So no matter who wins the battle none of it is loving towards the body. Much more honouring to actually choose connection to our bodies first and then respond from our connection
Great to re-read your post Joel. “I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.” When I choose control over food for example, it becomes a struggle and I use my will power – which doesn’t work in the long run. When I choose love I then become aware the food i may have craved has disappeared off my radar – no control – no problem.
There are so many life lessons that come with the word ‘control’. We often feel that when we are in control all is going well yet it is the investment that we are sold in that keeps this control going. It is interesting to then observe when things go pear shaped we crumble, are hurt and can’t understand why this have happened. I have realised over time that the investment in how things should be is the key to this behaviour. The less we invest the more we are able to observe and move on thanks to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
That’s just it Joel, once there’s a battle connection is gone and really it’s just the mind fighting itself, but boy can we make that dramatic and stretch it out, and yet we know it’s not getting us anywhere. Control is not it for sure, but I still toy with it and find ways to use it, so you remind me today not to battle the control but to come back and connect.
‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.’ This is the trick that the mind plays on us that we are being responsible/disciplined when we go into control mode but it is only when we let go of control and build our connection with ourselves that we start to be truly responsible and live in a way that is not damaging to ourselves or others.
Great question in the title Joel and for me control is about what is going on in my mind and connection is what happens when I am in tune with my heart so that if any element of control appears then I am already lost because I am handing over power to the machinations of my mind rather than building my connection to my heart where there is no need of control because I can feel what the next true movement is.
Aah yes control, my old faithful foe. I have found control to be something that I have used and used many times throughout my life because I thought that it helped me get somewhere and achieve more but in truth I now see that it was the control that disconnected me from my body and my heart and that connection helps us move from our divine expression. A very cool blog indeed thank you Joel.
You have put this so simply Joel, thank you.
Very true that control is really a symptom of lack of connection. I could relate to this line “Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” And I would add to this the illusion that we ‘need’ life to be a certain way, when in fact we don’t. What I am now understanding is that the conditions I put on life are there because there is something unhealed in me. If I challenge the need for the picture of how I believe life needs to be then I unearth the false belief about myself, and then have the opportunity to restore another part of who I truly am.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself” . . . . this is a great answer to a very good question . . . .” So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of? ” . . . When we are in connection there is only an obedience to the next impulse we receive with no investments and no expectations . . . therefore no stress and definitely no control.
Great analysis and exposure of our behaviours Joel.
‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’ I can very much relate to this inner battle and now, when I feel this I know it is a controlling choice and not a loving choice. Thank you Joel.
“There is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle” – I love this. I can feel how I have also misunderstood commitment and discipline, and invested in making ‘right’ choices that might not be really true to where I was at at the time – and yes, I can totally relate to that feeling of pride. I can feel how I can sometimes make ‘being love’ so complicated as well.
Very good explanation Joel, I am totally hearing what you say and this is a great help to understand a pattern one might be caught up in an entire life, thinking I’m doing good and great because I’m ticking my boxes.
Joel this is so true. I have taken great pride in winning the battle, but it’s only with myself and it takes a lot of effort and energy. It’s a very mental thing. Right or wrong; good or bad. We judge and label everything and then construct a life around those labels. Dropping the labels is a great start, though I’m not saying it’s easy. The times I’ve experience no battle is when I’ve chosen the simplicity of staying connected to my body.
Control feels like a band-aid supplied by the mind to beat itself, then it does.
It seems that the only way to really knock control on the head is to focus on our connection. Are we in our head or listening to our heart?
And if we are obeying the dictates or desires of the spirit or the loving support of the soul.
I don’t quite experience it this way “if there is a hint of battle, I’ve dropped my connection”. What if inner battles are indeed experienced and felt (and regularly so), by virtue of a strong and consistently lived connection with who one is… the strength of connection simply offering a solid foundation for deeper layers of where we’ve abdicated from Love and the Will of our soul, to arise – that these layers may be surrendered?
There is no battle in a loving choice. It ‘just is’ and the choice seems like a ‘no brainer’. This blog shows how the feelings of struggle or battle are great warning signs that we are heading down the wrong track and have become caught in choosing an energy that is far from loving.
‘. . . right? WRONG! That is the trick… The battle itself is just another layer of control’. I had this question posed to me – which came first a right or a wrong? After taking this onboard and pondering for a while I came to a deeper understanding that wrong had to come first, for without a ‘wrong’ there can be no ‘right’. Feeling into this more, this answer is too simple because neither are true. As a wrong is false to start with, then a right must also be false; only a truth will hold and serve us all equally.
We only have one choice; divine, or the not-divine. Thereafter we are subject to what we have chosen.
As a child I was brought up to believe that there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to behave. As I have grown and lived, over the years what has appeared ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to me has changed but the belief had not. The result of this is that I have constantly lived from and with judgment, the consequence of which has had ripples throughout my life and still does. However, I have come to realise in recent years that there is no such thing as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and with that awareness brings a whole new approach to life that is open and free as there is no longer the need to control in order for my world to conform to my picture of what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.
“Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” This is how many people live, with a lot of control. It can manifest in different ways for different people, but all the while it creates a life that is very restricting and full of protection. Letting go of control, surrendering to what life has to offer can be so very freeing, to be open to whatever may arise, not needing to control is very liberating.
‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection” You have really nailed ‘the battle’ here Joel. The battle is the control and then it flips to us being subservient to cravings or indulgences. It is quite the game where we are either victim or controller . . . all the same really as this is what we are left with without true connection.
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself’. What a cracker of a line. We live in total resistance to what is already laid out before us, control is a stop to allowing love to flow.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” This is so true, when it is control choice there is that inner battle constantly fighting and there feels no ease, but with a loving choice it just is.
Joel, what I feel reading your blog is how when I go into control, I have something to do, an identification if you will and a way to distract myself to get better or improve, but in fact in all of this I am just avoiding the loving choice that I know supports me and the bigger truth is I am avoiding the responsibility I know I carry to be the love I can be.
I always felt I was winning when I was in control, but in truth I was simply stopping the natural flow of my own connection and the opportunities of awareness and growth that expanded my daily living. Control I also found took me into a lot of stories and scenario’s which took me away from being connected to my body and that’s where all the issues began. Our choice to be connected in every moment is a choice towards responsibility and from here our need for control can simply melt away.
We are all forever inspired by the life and work of Serge Benhayon – however much we choose to admit it.
It feels as if we are already being controlled once we start thinking of control, ie out of synch with ourselves just as we are in reaction if we start worrying about not reacting. When in true connection we simply are.
controlling choices are like fighting against the current whereas loving ones are being at ease in the current till you are at a place to then step back and observe.
I’m so delighted that I found my way back to your awesome blog today Joel and the wise reminder that; “ if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”. Time to put down the sword and breathe gently!
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”
This is perfect for me to read today, thank you Joel.
Control has been (and still is in some ways) a big one for me as I have always controlled to be the ‘captain of my own ship’. But this ‘ship’ has seriously lead me into so many battles and have created so much complication and I think I may have gone through a few crew members as well 😉 some with a few battle scars…. Letting go and surrendering is so much better and learning to see the difference of a loving choice and a controlling choice…and much less scars!
“In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest. This is crazy, backwards logic but that’s the point… it may be a kind of logic, but it is not love of any kind.” BOOM, BOOM – Control busted.
I really get that now ,Joel- where there is an inner battle I am in control as I battle self loving choice from my body versus a choice to not be self loving and overriding the body. Actually there is no choice it is what I am saying yes to.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.”
This is a truth that many may not be willing to hear, but a truth nonetheless. In our minds we can justify any choice we make. In our bodies the simplicity is the constant choice to support it.
A brilliant dissection of the dis-empowering games of control we choose to play. Control serves only to limit, reduce, diminish and delay us from living the graceful power of our innate all-knowing way of being that is ever-present, whenever we surrender to our connection to our Soul.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”
I absolutely love this Joel, an awesome hint telling you you’re off track and to come back to love.
Thank you Joel. Amazing to see that control issues are actually just our refusal to connect to our souls. There is no point playing the victim or relying on control as a protection as it only harms us.
I think you nailed it on the last line – if there is a hint of a battle I’ve lost my connection – that’s really what the whole of life comes down to – am I connected or not? It makes life so simple… and we make very different choices when we are connected compared to when we are not.
Brilliant Joel . . . “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself” . . . Wow so true! Control goes hand in hand with ‘judgement’ as we cannot have control without having a right and a wrong. No love there and besides we cannot be right for very long before we are wrong again! Better to be love and listen to our body as the body never lies.
There is such an enormous sense of letting go in connection with myself. When I feel my inner heart and live from that place there is nothing I need, I am just stillness. Step out of that and I automatically believe I am much less than my connection to the whole universe, in comes all the needs and conditions I place on life, and I’m back into control again.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Brilliant!
Read ‘food for thought’ here Joel. Using discipline is a great marker to me of where I have tricked myself into the idea that I am being self-loving – as is the smug ‘feel good’ feeling that comes with it. The level of awareness that you write about here is one I am currently exploring within myself and so your blog is a great support – thank you.
Great insights into the world of control and a really simple marker to see if you are making loving choices or if you are in control. For me to stop smoking and drinking alcohol was a loving choice because there was no battle but this blog has made me aware that some food choices I am making are using force of control and discipline. It is great to see this so clearly, thank you.
Wow what a killer control is – to think we can control our life and situations is totally exhausting! I have found I try to control things so they look like the way I have pictured them to be, but what if the plan from Heaven was so much grander than I could ever picture? What if something needed to happen for someone else or myself to see something and learn and evolve from it? What if controlling things stopped Heaven from being our teacher? What if we have got it all wrong and it is not about improving human life but rather returning back to the love we are? So control would have to go out of the window!!!
Totally dismantled the perceived battle of getting things right. In the end life isn’t a battle so why do we relish making it one?
You are the master of lines that resonate with humanity, I have gone into this ‘battle’ mode countless times, this passage in your article debases any fantasy or glamour one might feel with the ‘battle’ being anything but a waste of energy.
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.”
Reading the words, ‘how deserving I am’ when it comes to food really made me feel the game I play with food. Even if I’ve won the battle for a moment the game will have the upper hand as I’ll seek a reward for winning, which will usually be food, because I was so good at not eating it before and I deserve it. Ha! What a game of control. It’s so simple when I make it about connection – I’m either connected or not and if not, then there is always a choice to come back and be with myself, with my body again.
“Even if I’ve won the battle for a moment the game will have the upper hand as I’ll seek a reward for winning” – What a great insight.
I felt this too Rachael. I can see I have been hoodwinked when I think I am doing ‘well’ by abstaining from some foods because I have not changed the pattern that led me to crave them in the first place.
I so relate Rachael, I am forever in reward mode as when I feel that I have stepped up to a new or seemingly different level of eating I reward myself with that extra helping which just causes bloating. I get enthusiastic and so go into over-eating instead of being deeply honest and connecting to the stillness through my breath so that I can feel what I need to sustain my body.
‘Winning the battle filled me with pride, of sorts, as I celebrated my ability to work through a situation and work out why I did what I did.’ I know this well Joel and find there is much sabotage to self in this battle, especially when the battle is seemingly lost and the self-loathing and berating comes into play. Being hard on one’s self for losing the battle, be it food for me, is another way of controlling the output of love into the world.
So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection. Great marker. Thanks for putting this so simply and clearly Joel.
Its true what you say about the battle Joel- that this is just part of the control. I can feel when a choice is loving- there is no battle, it is a joy and there is an ease in it. When there is a struggle involved it is not love.
Without doubt the quality of our connection we have with ourselves and the world around us determines the quality of our choices.
Awesome blog Joel. I can feel that when it comes to food, I have used control as a way to refine my diet instead of really feeling what my body wants. I eat well but can feel that it is not yet coming from a real connection to myself- thank you for your sharing.
Great explanation Joel – I can very much relate. That energy we put into having this control can be used in so many better ways that actually supports us in a true way.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection:” This is so true and something to remind myself when I am in a battle with time, making time an issue and getting anxious is so easy but I am always the one who is losing and my body feels terrible after this battle so why go into it in the first place. It is about letting go of the pictures how life should look like and live from my connection. It is like you say Joel “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.”
Great insight into the true consequences of control which is to delay our return to the love we all are, prolonging our misery as we make it all about the self and not considering the immensity of support around when we connect to the essence within.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” Beautifully expressed Joel and shows us that the real choice is to choose our connection on from there our movement from our bodies speak for themselves. Awesome.
This has answered the very question I have been struggling with for so long Joel.
Simply said and revelatory expect nothing less from your track record.
“What are we really in control of?” Great question Joel. I spent most of my life thinking I was in control, keeping a tight rein on my life choosing certain people I could trust not to disturb the life I had created to be part of my life. If things came up to disturb me in any way I would tighten the control to make sure this didn’t happen again. All the time I was in control I couldn’t enjoy life because I couldn’t relax, I was in permanent anxiety trying to protect the control I thought I had.. Control is not loving and all I am doing is as you say Joel, ‘controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself’. So true Joel and I am going to observe this in my day today.
There are so many words of wisdom in this blog Joel. Thank you. I especially love these words:
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself”.
and
“My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have”
Reconnection is the magic word which brings us back to the love we naturally are then no control can enter the equation.
Controlling people and general life for me was about making sure everything ran smoothly so then I didn’t have to deal or feel any hurts or issues. All this lead to was frustration/anger at not being able to control all aspects of life. Pretty big complicated job that one!!. This now feels a horrible way to live, not only for myself but for others that I tried to control. This was definitely a battle that was happening within my body. These words Joel, brought it all home ‘things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue’. What a simple loving way to be.
I have found it has been hugely supportive for me to read this blog again Joel. Especially the awesome reminder to choose things that supports me to deeply connect to myself. Once I am connected to myself there is no internal battle or control, because with developing a deep connection to myself I am then emanating love, therefore it is impossible to return to control unless I choose to. Then the question is, why would I ever choose control over love? Because I have lived with control more often than love and I find myself choosing control simply because it is familiar. Crazy but true and I am starting to change this craziness because I now realise that nothing is more magnificent than choosing love.
You make a great point about choices here, “where I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.” Security is really overrated! Life is about movement and constant evolution, staying safe is really like stagnation, and allowing that new simpler way of being is a flow and movement. I can see many things I’m holding onto for perceived safety, when it’s really just familiarity. It’s interesting that we have an aversion to the new when the rhythm of evolution is to continually bring new levels of being to us.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Thank you for this Joel, I will remember this when I am battling with something. II is usually when I am undecided about something I can feel like it is a battle …. I have gone into my head to try to make the decision and so the battle begins, should I say it this way, should I do that, and and I become lost in the thought process of trying to work out the best solution rather than trusting what I know to be true.
I know what you are talking about here. It is great to realise that the choices made from discipline alone, where I am very good at…., are not truly loving choices if it still comes with that being firm to myself because when I have to apply this discipline, I already have gone there and feel like I need something that is not good for me. It is already a sign of not being connected. Such a great realization and point to move on from. Next time when I feel the craving it is about re-connecting with me instead of being firm ‘winning the battle’ as you say.
This is such a great blog. I have been caught in some esoteric ideals that were not so obvious yet very controlling nevertheless. Your blog offers a wonderful opportunity to become very honest with myself and my choices. Thank you, Joel.
A brilliant article depicting our choices and the way we are living that either controls the choices or the choices simply just are loving and expansive naturally.
I think I am trying to control how controlling I am. Boy is that exhausting. And all under the guise of being easy going. The truth is that I have been invested in outcomes everywhere and because I have no control over any outcome (or anything at all for that matter) I use behaviours to keep me in the illusion that I am in control and that everything is under control. What I am learning to undo this is to be as honest with myself as I can be. This is putting me on the path to acceptance.
Looking back I can see that I was always fighting a battle of some sort, and the biggest battles were usually with me, but I never saw them as a means of control. At the time I used to wonder why life was so always so challenging and quite exhausting and now I can see why, for “if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”. It took me a while to clearly understand and to see that when I am no longer connected to me nothing seems to work the way I want it to, and for me, that’s when I had to try to control; an exhausting and futile exercise.
Control is something we first exert over ourselves, we think we are controlling life or others but we are the first recipient. It’s really obvious and harmful to feel another’s attempt to control me, but until now I’ve never really considered how my own attempts at control harms myself. I’m sure the first thing it does is close off and tighten the body – and it certainly closes off the love. Control also dismisses our inner wisdom and ability to handle life’s situation from the inside out. By relying on the inner connection and wisdom therein there is an opportunity to expand and learn through mastering life with love, and oh how control shuts down the potential for this new expansion and spaciousness.
I have learnt a new word … antithesis. Interesting article Joel and something I feel I have been more aware of in my body over the last days, in that there is a control within my body that wants to pull in the opposite direction instead of just being with me. For example as you have shared food being a good one. My diet is good and I have eliminated many foods and drinks that I know do not support my body, however, I am really aware of a pull to go to foods out of habit and not because I know that is what I need in that moment to support me. Your analogy of the rubber band is a good one ‘it‘s like walking away from a wall with a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back to remind me of my place.’ For me the control is holding that rubber band and allowing it in the first place instead of putting the rubber band on the floor and walking away. So the conclusion is the same you came to and know which is the ‘level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices we have.’ And the Gentle Breath meditation as presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and Sacred Esoteric Healing modalities are a huge support in helping us to let go of all that is not us and instead connect to who we truly are. No control, no tension, no trying, no drive. Writing this I can still feel a slight tension around my heart where I have not yet allowed myself to fully surrender to the love within me .. work in progress.
I can really relate to this Joel and still have those battles going on. It makes me wonder – what would life look like if it was a consistent stream of following what feels true? But even that question hints or has an undertone of judging for being inconsistent so then I can say – what are the perceptions and images around following what is loving and supportive? What I am learning is that when I label something as ‘bad’ there’s a reaction or resistance towards going there, so then what label has been placed on top and what is my relationship with following of the feelings in my body which from experience has only ever led to lightness and a feeling of spaciousness and a joy towards life? In the control the mind will say everything to avoid going to the body as if it knows and is ‘right’ but often the body is singing a completely different, more supportive, tune to these ‘right’ thoughts.
It is so easy to fall for the comfort of life where we feel secure and safe so we want to control life to avoid any further changes, but this is the illusion as there is no evolution in that only the complication and disconnection from our bodies in order to keep things the same. Appreciating and accepting our own qualities allows us to let go of control and surrender to whatever is there for us as deep down we know it is an opportunity for us to grow and be more of who we truly are.
Brilliant Joel. I got to feel another level of control and how that side of me is so belligerent and stubborn in wanting it’s way. Thank you I have felt a freeing and healing from your blog.
I know when I am in an indecision mode I am trying to control the situation to keep myself safe and as you say Joel when I come from my inner heart I just know to go with the flow no decision needed, just a knowing.
Re-visiting this is so supportive. I can support my connection with my essence and this allows love and acceptance to flow. Any working things out in my head, any justifying, any battle and I know to simply come back to my connection and what supports it, because it’s in connection I receive the awareness of all the tricks I’ve been up to!
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.” This is a really good point – a trick of the mind to have us feeling as though we’re doing something and it’s evident what is really in control
This blog is a great reminder for the times we find ourselves identified with life being a struggle for most likely we want to control life to be a certain way instead of committing to live in a way that allows us to connect to that which is deep within us and surrender to what is.
I love how you share Joel, that when we are connected there is no choice, simply the feeling of what is and the knowing of how to be and live to support and maintain this connection.
I just loved reading your blog Joel, thank you there is much for me to ponder on with the “working on something aspect” love this wisdom. ” So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.”
That was a stunning blog to read Joel. Control is really an awful kind of disease and I find it very inspiring to read how you stopped the control. I like to add that for me observing myself was a important part in the beginning – with this observing I started to understand myself more and with that it was easier to accept and then to love myself. With more love in my body I was able to let go step by step of the control – work is still in progress!
Reading your blog again Joel, I realise how much I am still choosing control and yet I am in fact not in control of anything at all. Control seriously is restrictive, hard and oppressive, so why would I choose it? To avoid taking responsibility for my choices and avoid returning to love and surrender. To realise this is a big ouch but it is worth feeling the impact of my choices so I can make more loving ones, by being honest and by bringing more awareness to times when I am choose to be controlling.
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ When there is only this loving way there is surrender, a surrender to love.
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.” With this sentence you expose what most of us are doing – deceiving ourselves! Its is time to stop it otherwise we get even more lost in our hard working actions.
This is really great Joel – it reminds me of the Yoda saying- ‘Do. Or Do Not- there is no try’, in the battle we are in the trying, when it is just a clear choice – you are love or you are not.
It’s so true Joel. ‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility’ as it closes us off to the clarity of true understanding.
So beautiful to read how life isn’t a battle, that any hint of battle is my dropping my connection – which will result in a seizing an opportunity to react further down the road and justify action that is unloving; when actually I’d been driving towards a reaction for quite a while but had ignored the fact.
‘There is no battle because I have connected to myself and not to a mental picture…’
If I considered all my choices in connection to myself it’s simple to feel the ones that were off but that I bought into and choose because I choose to be sold an image. Choices ranging from jobs, partnerships, clothes, holiday destinations, food, all sorts. Each ill choice brought with it complication to distract from the simplicity of being in connection with me and my next move.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” this line resonates with me as of late I have experienced it that the more appreciation and confirmation in my life the easier it is to accept me and my part in the bigger plan and so it is natural to surrender more and let go of the need of control which creates so much tension and hardness in my body.
Dear Joel,
These words will stay with me “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection:”
What an awesome marker for catching those not so obvious ways that we control our lives and I can feel the power in spotlighting them in this way. The behaviour of control has no where to go, but to be seen, understood and slowly, but surely no longer chosen. Thank you.
So, really we are not ever in control but we only think we are in control and this way of thinking/living means we are also already disconnected from our essence, love and truth. Because when we are living from our essence control doesn’t exist, just a flow of consistent love and openness emanating from our every expression.
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ Love the wisdom expressed here Joel and perfect timing for me as I have been in ‘control’ of certain things that have created an inner struggle, simply because I have lost connection with my true self and was choosing complication over love and understanding.
Control is always an action that reassures our individuality. As a way of being, it has worked for all of us in one way or another but only in the context of a limited version of the world (version that we have accepted as valid). If we accept that there is more to life than the little box we used to be in, control ceases to serve us.
Joel I have found that I have used control as a way of protecting myself from the ‘what if I get hurt?’ syndrome, only to find that the protection closes me off from the beautiful opportunities that are offered to me everyday, if I only made another choice.
Joel your words ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’ I really get this because the more we support our body, the more loving our choices are, the easier it is for us to drop control.
The more we confirm and appreciate ourselves the easier it is to accept our own divinity and accept and surrender to what is, this is a gift we are all capable of to live with everyday and let go of the old shackles of control and complexity in our lives.
“Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right”. On reading these words I realised that this is how I lived most of my life, and what an exhausting life it was trying to achieve and maintain this illusionary image. These days this image is one that I know doesn’t support me in any way at all; that trying to control my life perpetuates the illusion and the exhaustion, whereas letting go of the need to control and to simply surrender makes much more sense and opens up the way to truly living, and my long suffering body sighs with appreciation.
Control quite simply locks us into the vicious circle of our mind and shuts down our connection to our heart. and from this point we no longer are open to the true flow of life, in fact we can actually actively resist it.
‘In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest’. CONVINCED I am working for my best interest – I could have sworn this is exactly what I have always done. What a load of nonsense, it has literally done nothing but kept me unsatisfied with life for more years than I wish to know about. It is one big fat illusion, a trap that is so easy to fall into even when you are completely aware of it. The answer, is in connection to yourself…stuff happens naturally when you just let it. We don’t know this to be true because we simply don’t give it a go. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying it out.
‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’ For anyone willing to experiment with control – whenever battle or struggle enters your mind, allow yourself to feel into whether there is an element of control going on. The truth is, there absolutely will be, but how prepared are we to drop that? I would safely say that many of us, including myself would want to justify our ‘thought process’ ie: ‘control’ till the cows come home, rather than accept that the other option – the loving choice is actually the very thing we avoid.
Another brillant sentence here : ‘Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” This reminds me of how I’ve approached looking for a home to live in in the past and sometimes still. I set a picture up in my head, a romantic movie actually plays out in my mind and then I chase that picture. The idea that we need to set ourselves ‘life goals’, is just another form of control. Once I get the house, I’ll be able to….Once I get a new car, I’ll be able to…etc etc. Controlling life through the things we need to ‘get’, simply does not work, for we will never ever be satisfied if we fall into the illusion that these things will improve our life. Practically, yes, there are things we need to support us through life, but do we allow control to get in the way of these things and hence lose our ability to appreciate that we are more than our things, as our focus is all about controlling what we have?
I know I’ve already said it, but this article is really quite amazing. ‘ The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.’ This quote is exactly what happens when we are in control. I can relate to this 100%. There is a choice to remain anxious when we try to control everything…nothing flows because we have such a tight grip on everything. Lately I’ve been experimenting with time, and the illusion of it’s constraints. I’ve been playing with not being so bound to it and avoiding looking at the clock so much in an attempt to release the strong grip I have on every minute of the day. Some days I’m more open to allowing the flow than others, When I do allow the day to flow, it’s amazing how simple and non stressful it is – but the biggest thing is how much I can actually get done in the day when I’m not spending 50% of it worrying about what might not happen. Control is an absolute trap.
I actually don’t know where to begin in terms of pulling out quotes Joel, because there are so many here. Everything you describe control to be feels so unbelievably spot on. ‘The battle’ you talk about is prevalent in my life. I love how you’ve broken it down and kept it really simple, ‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.’
Joel, what you share is huge and one key takeaway for me today is ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’ I can often struggle with my choices wanting to do the right or true thing but in fact it’s about connection and a marker for me is if I’m complicating something and trying to guarantee the outcome, it’s control and it’s not love – I have a picture I want to fulfill and I’m ignoring all else while I do that; it’s great to be able to see and feel what is going on when this game is at play. Thanks as always for an awesome blog, I love how you write and express with such clarity and humour.
Thank you for this blog Joel, I realised while reading this that what I call ‘the hunt’ is actually a form of control. It’s a constant barrage of questions towards myself, wanting the answer for why I did what I did but this all is happening in the mind. Whereas when I ask my body there is no need to hunt or go anywhere to find the answer, because they are all being held in how the body is moving and with focus reading these messages is simple.
And re-reading this comment I can see the fact that I already knew this and have known that this is not the way the whole time. Which then brings up the question: if we know that control is only a delay, then why do we choose to delay? what are we valuing over and above being what we will inevitably return to once again? and if we asked our bodies – is the delay worth the value and investment we have placed onto it?
Great point Leigh, I relate to that concept of the hunt and getting engrossed in trying to find the answer, rather than simply making the choice to connect.
With the idea of “wrong and right” as part of all that we think we need to control, we lose the ability to simply observe and learn from life.
I heard very recently that we have the choice for our bodies to be pulled into movement through surrender or to be in an energy of push. This feels quite pertinent to this topic of control.
you can certainly feel the push of control…
I’m feeling more and more in my everyday choices how which quality of energy I choose to be aligned and the effect on my body.
As I feel deeper into the ways where control affects my life I start to see that there is more to expose on this subject. Control can be so subtle and can come in many forms.
Holding onto uncomfortable feelings and then using my mind to find the answer is another form of control I find myself having chosen to entertain. Those thoughts then enjoy the delay, enjoy the fact that there is a focus away from the truth my body is presenting in this moment. But that enjoyment is a lie, it’s a pain in the body that is covering up the lie that the pain of being responsible is ‘too much’ when from experience it is the more freeing way to be.
I know this one Leigh, the thought that to change would be too much and too painful when the reality is the real pain in not admitting the pain you are already in.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” This is so true and important to realise as it effects everything and the beauty of coming from this understanding allows so much with our choices and way of living. I love your realisation that “I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” beautifully presented Joel thank you.
Thanks tricianicholson, I notice time and again how subtle these patterns of control can be…always good to reconnect to the awareness that they are there.
Joel this is an important point you make about control- “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.”
And when we surrender to love, our body thanks us immensely – it feels lighter, more spacious, our head is not heavy and our chest is no longer hardened, and contracted. Why would we choose pain over love?
There can be quite an illusion in sorting out our issues, the reasons we do the things we do that are self harming, but as you say Joel, it can simply be another way for the mind to maintain control and justify still not stepping back into love. The more we “work on it” the more time we can take still not committing to the simplicity of love. It’s really a tale of two energies and my own honesty as to which I am in, regardless of the activity.
The moment there is a struggle, a battle there is a tension that is not true to who we truly are. There is no longer room for the word ‘Control’ in my world – just presence, awareness and love.
I love that you have exposed that in the disconnection to ourselves, the control comes in to lead us back into a life of battling and misery, delaying us from connecting and truly feeling that the answer to our woes lies in relinquishing control and living from our essence, control free.
Joel, this is just beautiful and a real eye opener. So any battle whatsoever, I can stay with the battle, but that’s just the end affect, when in fact the real cause is I’ve left my connection with me. So in fact rather than figuring out how and why for the battle, it’s much more fruitful and loving to connect back to myself and feel my next choice from there.
I agree monicag2, the choice is so tantalisingly simple, yet the deep groove worn by indulging in control can be a hard channel to step out of.
Yes Monica and Joel, I feel for me the power in just saying “Oops” when I’m in the control and making the simple choice to come back to love helps to make the process much more simple.
It’s great reading this again, as I’ve more deeply understood that any going over or trying to rectify is just continuing what has just gone, so it really is about oops and now how do I move in a way that is love, no dwelling just a re-commitment to ourselves and making everything about love. It’s simple and yet we fight that simplicity but as you’ve shared Joel, it’s that grove of complication we’ve spent life times fashioning, so it takes our dedication and commitment to embrace simplicity, and it’s the way we live love in each and every moment.
Joel I can see myself in this “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself”. Something I have needed to be aware of on a more conscious level, so I thank you for a great sharing once again.
Fantastic blog to come back Joel. It all comes back to choices. The loving choice is so simple – it just is.
I love what you have introduced here Joel, that really loving choices are not really choices as we are surrounded by and are from love, so although we do actually need to make a choice to say ‘no’ to the control, what is there in its place is love. Love is how we naturally express when we don’t pull in all the issues we seem to like to cover ourselves with. It’s all that other stuff that isn’t natural and requires a huge amount of energy to keep going.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”.
Simple yet profound Joel; a timely reminder to let the mental battle drop away and the bodies inner wisdom prevail.
Absolutely Shirl, we are truly ignorant to the power of simplicity that comes from listening to our bodies and ignore or override the mental exhaustion that comes from being controlled by our minds.
This is a great reminder Shirl to feel the truth in the body and not let the mind take over the show.
‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’ This is exactly what I needed to read in this moment. So often I have an inner battle in my head about what I should eat, am I really hungry, is this the right wrong food etc. But as this blog reveals, the true loving choice would not need the mental discussion, it would just come from the body naturally and acted upon. Thank you for this revelation Joel.
I agree Eleanor – this is a revelation to me too. Exposes any struggle we might have as us fighting something that isn’t actually there. I have a funny image of watching myself in a struggle with thin air – looks ridiculous from the outside, although I do understand it can seem very real when we’re embroiled in it.
With every challenge in life, control wants to take over and the inner battle is there again, it is an opportunity to deepen the relationship with self love and very consciously making the choice to reconnect to what is true.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” Put like this Joel why would we ever want control it goes against everything that is true about life.
Thank you Joel for setting out how control works,
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.”
Every time I read this blog I am getting a greater understanding about what the battle is really about and that love just is without any right or wrong whatsoever, simple and clear without doubt, which can be a starting point of control.
The Russian revolution took the controlling Tsaist autocracy and replaced with the controlling working party. Do we not have our own mini revolutions within us all the time with our choices? The choice that wins are the ones we feed.
Love it Steve, replacing one form of control with a better kinder form of control!!
Joel, I had to read your description of the difference between a loving choice and control a couple of times to be sure I was clear of the games we play. Recently, I have become aware of just how controlling I am and have been feeling into how to change this behaviour. What you have written has given me a lot to ponder on today as I can feel this is precisely what I do. ‘In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest.’ It is so crazy the lies we tell ourselves to keep us trapped in our misery going round repeating the same things again and again.
The only thing in life we truly have any control over is our choices… everything else is an illusion.
Absolutely Steve, nothing just happens to us and we always have a choice.
love it Steve…pure wisdom lived large
Well said Steve.
Such a loving reminder on the fresh start of a new cycle “ . . . there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. “ It’s simple and when it’s not simple I’ve lost my connection to the love I am.
I know so well about those inner battles and the consequential reactions. This is a brilliant subject. How often have I told myself that I was making a loving choice when in fact I was coming from some kind of held ideals? As you say, when there’s a true connection, there’s a whole-bodied-ness that would not leave space for anything but.
So beautifully expressed Fumiyo… and such a great reminder… for in connection there is a whole-bodied-ness that would not allow for anything but loving choices, and is always battle free.
I read a quote from one of Serge’s books the other day that fits this perfectly… “If you put a need ahead of truth, you will never get to truth.” – Serge Benahyon …. nails it for me!
Thank you Joel that is a really good reminder. If there is a hint of battle within myself I will know I have lost my connection, and if the battle is sustained then I am just prolonging the misery rather than the joy that would otherwise be there.
Joel, you really have such a great way of expressing the reality of the situation. I was able to relate to every word, which is awesome because although it makes me even more aware of the ridiculousness of the control I choose everyday.
‘The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind’. ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON! This line sums up my life story brilliantly.
Yes, agreed, how we kid ourselves how hard we are working, pat ourselves on the back and then wonder why we haven’t evolved. Joel so brilliantly brings it back to the simplicity of a loving choice.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” Control is also the opposite of love. It is interesting how I can control what I eat thinking I am making a loving choice, when actually the energy of the control makes it a contrived choice that is actually not true or loving.
This is nice Rebecca, the fact that our choices are both practical and energetic, as you say choosing even ‘healthy’ food can come loaded with energy that is not very healthy if the reason we made the choice it not true.
Very true Joel. There is a difference between being ‘healthy’ and being ‘loving’.
Thanks Joel – ‘control’ is quite a powerful force to contend with because as your article points out, even having a stern talk with ourselves in the first place over an issue is bringing ‘control’ into play. Control has featured at the heart of things in many of the entrenched patterns I have been unravelling in my life in recent years. The more I am learning to recognise and appreciate how my body feels when there is no debate going on, the more I am able to catch ‘control’ when it’s wanting to dominate.
Well sure said Helen, it can only be observed if there is a truth known in our bodies. As this is why having a marker of truth felt in our body is important. This is what I have learned through Universal Medicine and by seeing the livingness of the whole Benhayon family.
Thank you Joel for a great article, I know all about those inner battles, we think when we are battling we are winning by trying to control. So much complexity when really it is simply to stop and connect to our inner heart by feeling all there is to feel in that moment.
I have read this before, but each time something so different stands out. There’s no need for the battle which we have come to identify with so commonly, there has to be a struggle or seen to be working hard, recently I’ve really felt choices coming from loving instead of the control rule book of you can’t or shouldn’t, they have two totally different outcomes.
You’ve summed it up nicely Jaime – “There’s no need for the battle which we have come to identify with so commonly”.
Yes Joel and Jaime, and so we have to be aware of the energy of that choice we make more than how it might look or sound. As this is the distraction away from what is truly going on otherwise.
I agree Danna, everything else is an urgent, important, must be dealt with distraction…but still a distraction 🙂
Indeed Joel, no matter how great it sounds or smells even, we are always to listen to our inner-voice, heart and soul, as then we will know what truth is or distraction away from it.
that is what was missing for me for many years, a deep enough connection to that inner-voice (the true voice) and a reliance on the sound tracks I had been feed through life.
I suppose what it comes done to is control and issues are the must needed filler to take up the space that is there when we deny we are glorious Sons of God. All I can feel is how much easier it would be to surrender to all that I truly am, and stop playing this game of living less.
there was conversation about surrender today that I heard and I loved how it was described as allowing what is already there to be there. nothing to fear, nothing to do, other than not limiting what is possible
I agree Jaime, the battle we create just gets in the way of us connecting to our essence.
Yes, those inner battles, I know them. And yes, it makes life so complicated and exhausting. And like you share Joel, we just chose to stay in the misery and now why would we want that? It does not make sense at all.
That is it, we keep on ‘working’ on ourselves while all we have to reconnect to who we are and that we are always in connection with God.
True Mary and as a bonus having my focus on working on something I can get a terrible headache and the misery takes over even more. And there is an easy way out with reconnecting with God.
And the thing is, that this complication is causing us to further delay us from the truth we know. Why would we want that? Great question Mariette.
What a great sharing is going on here, and the circle is round again. Indeed, what a huge trick that is, to ‘work on ourselves’. The thing is, and what is it that we work on? Like you share Danna, it is a great escape from living our truth and doing what is needed.
Brilliant Mary, this is so true. I recently felt that despite all the struggle I’ve have been ‘enduring’ (or more accurately, creating) there is absolutely nothing wrong. There’s been a part of me that believes that if there’s no struggle then there must be something wrong because life is all about struggle right?! Bonkers! I’m now starting to accept the reality that life doesn’t have to be hard and that it can be light, joyful, playful and above all loving. Thank you Serge Benhayon ❤
Great expose on control and how much we choose it to complicate ourselves and our lives. Thank for taking the time to write this Joel.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” Joel, I love the simplicity of this sentence and the way you have presented control plays out in our lives, indeed is the perfect set up not to take responsibility.
I can totally relate Joel to applying discipline and thinking I was “winning” the so-called battles only to be snapped back to my original position. I now realise that what was missing was the quality of energy I was taking to the situation and as you’ve so beautifully pointed out it was absolutely about control.
The quality of energy… absolutely nails it for me…
Deborah, I can feel that discipline without self love first can be quite controlling on ourselves.
The part of this blog which jumped out for me was when you wrote ‘The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind’. This comes into so many aspects of our lives, and then we can so easily get lost in those thoughts.
Yes Julie, and it takes away the pride we as human beings can have to justify and seemingly want to prove that we should continue in a certain behavior or act. As this is the form of control we can go into. Also getting lost in thoughts can be a form of control. So we can see that there are many forms of control in our everyday lives that are worth exposing.
Wow! What an incredible sharing, thank you Joel, and Victoria and all those who commented ! It is so amazing where these back and forward conversations lead to. I have learnt much from all the comments, and about myself in the process, control being one of my issues. Thank you all.
I agree Roslyn, reading the blog and comments is such a joy, it has given me the opportunity to accelerate my learning and awareness on this topic. It’s so simple and loving when we share openly with one another, and through this expression of brotherhood we all evolve more quickly. There are many layers of healing happening too as we work together in trust to move forward as one.
Spot on about control Joel. I have found too that that inner battle i once complimented is actually control. You nailed that for me! It is so good to read truth about things that are yet unspoken or even covered up. I am going to observe in which areas I go into control and make sure I re-vise that with love. Great article for the world.
“that inner battle I once complimented is actually control”. Developmentally, it is an important step or stage, but at some point it needs to be seen for the control that it is and the harm it causes.
Prolonging the misery – ouch. Check – that is one I am familiar with. I love how you raise how simple it can be – it’s such a great barometer to know when you are connected or not because when you are not connected to yourself, it becomes complicated. It’s as simple (and as complicated) as that.
It is so true sarahflenley, even re-reading these words myself I notice a squirmshness at it being so simple.
Spot on sarahflenley, as soon as something becomes complicated it is a red light indicating that we have lost our connection. As you say, super simple providing we choose to be aware enough to clock it!
Yeah, great point sarahflenley. When there is complication, there is no connection to self. How simple. Why oh Why are we not taught this in school!
Which brings me to ask the question Elodie why oh why are we not only also taught how vital it is to value our connection to ourselves and others equally but a multitude of other everyday practical life skills that prepare us to live as adults and to actively contribute to the health and wellbeing of this present day world. There is so much true wisdom, support and understandings that could be shared with us all that would change the trajectory of modern day society….
Yes Sarah so true. There is no middle ground with our connection we are either connected or disconnected.
If I let control supposedly win a battle I feel the defeat in my body, so it’s a short term victory for control but another lesson for a loving choice next time! No harsh self criticism just another opportunity to bring in a greater loving awareness.
Great to name the difference between winning the mental battle through control, but loosing the real battle for freedom within the body.
Absolutely right Joel, we think we win but we actually loose. It is good to look at it from a more responsible view. We are choosing to either control or surrender to what has been given and is leading us the way. Hence The Way of The Livingness..
Joel you bring up the best subjects to ponder on, I have realised how much I control, or maybe how much out of control I am when I let the inner battle rage without stopping to feel what is true. True to form Joel you have exposed a biggie here.
It’s such a contradiction isn’t it when we think we’re in control but in truth we are out of control as you say Kev. Instead of like Joel says being controlling in the disciplined way, control for me has been more of an indulgent suit of armour – eating comfort foods or drinking loads of alcohol to try to numb myself from the chaos I felt around me ie. trying to control how I felt and yet in that being totally out of control with regard to my responsibility to care for myself.
My need to control myself, the way I behave, my household and others come from a not trusting life not feeling that its safe to surrender to allow, and not appreciating the amazing being and man I am.
I agree Thomas… the key indeed lies in surrender … and deep appreciation of and trust in what embraces us when we do.
Pretty good revelation that the only thing we control is how long we can delay reconnecting to ourselves
This is true Joe Minnici- we do control how long we delay our return to ourselves- but why would we want to deny feeling the awesomeness and power of who we truly are?
Well said Joe!
This is so nesesary Joel Levin, to know that the ‘battle of making choices’ is actually a form of control. Good , very, good one.
Then also, to expose that: ”The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.”
And at last that control is actually a way to postphone what we actually need to do, that is being love and just following and trusting love, our one path that leads to our endless divinity.
A great blog to come back to. ‘Control’ is something that comes in many disguises and when I feel that I have exposed it in one shape or form, it subtlety transforms itself and emerges in another. Control is exhausting and lives in the mind. The bind can be getting caught in the mind on constant alert for any signs of control, which is a form ‘Control’ itself. My focus will be on surrender – surrendering to the love I know I am and living that in each moment of my day. Thanks Joel.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” A brilliant realisation, and one that we all need to understand about how we are choosing to live and the illusion of control and choice that we think we have.
It is just that – an illusion and one I have found myself in; believing that I am freeing myself of old choices and habits because I can ‘overcome’ the feeling of wanting something but by using control I am no freer than before as the same energy that keeps me in wanting to follow a particular pattern is still present but keeping in control.
That is an awesome and powerful revelation, Michael.
This take on control is incredible to read and feel. I was especailly struck by the way you explain that control is in fact irresponsible, how ironic that I have often sought to control things in an attempt to be responsible.
A textbook definition of irony, if I ever read one, Leonne, and one to ponder deeply on. Where does that idea of control = responsibility even come from? Because it is pretty pervasive in our lives.
I too have learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky and allow me carry on as if nothing is happening. It is only in hind sight that I can see I have a picture of how I would like something to be and the conditions I put on people so that I have control of the situation. It is an insidious game and the more aware I become the more I am able to see it play out and break the cycle so that it does not happen again.
Absolutely Alison – true freedom from control lies in awareness of the deep illusion we have been under and the many insipid ways it plays out in our life, from there we can choose to connect deeper to our essence where no control is required, only surrender.
Control, or surrender, allow and accept, a choice we are continually making. By living in a way of being that supports our deepening connection and love we help these choices be loving. ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’
Such loving wisdom you share Joel, thank you.
I’d like to make stickers out of all your fabulous quotes.
Control = delay of connecting to the love we truly are. It is ironic we would choose to delay what seems very clear we all deeply are wanting to have.
this nails it Sandra – Control = delay of connecting to the love we truly are. – and yes, why oh why do we choose it….
I know this battle you are talking about all to well, and I can very much connect to what you share, when in connection with myself the choices are easy, there is no thought about it. So I can now feel and see that when I am in this battle again, the only thing that is needed is to reconnect.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”.- great to ponder on this deeper, as control has been coming up for me lately. I also love what you shared Joel – if there is a hint of inner battle happening re choices then my true connection is lost. But to also know that a new choice and connection is only a breath away.
So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection. This is so true Joel, and a clear marker of the loving choice we are at that moment not making. Great that our bodies are wiser and more knowing than our constantly striving minds.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”.
What a great reminder for me Joel to let go of control so that I can allow, accept and be responsible for how I am in the world.
Agree Shirl, I still occasionally find myself going into an old pattern of trying to control a situation. Now as soon as I catch myself I use it as an opportunity to allow, accept and appreciate the fact that I can let go of control in a simple choice.
Allow, accept and be responsible – there is so much to appreciate in each one of these step — 1st the allowing that we are so much more than what we’ve controlled, then accepting that more to be there, AND THEN — being responsible for living what we have accepted… of course you could work it any number of ways but they are all needed for sure.
I’ve got to get back to your blog again. It feels to me like there is only one constant choice to be done. A choice we make with every breath. ‘Free will’ is the authority that decides which energy will pull the strings the body-puppet is moved by. And the rest is movement of the body. Depending on which energy runs the body thoughts and the belief of control takes place. And the choice that needs to be done constantly is: LOVE or anything BUT LOVE. And you will explore that when choosing love – there is no control. It is only movement done by love. Followed by a choice, by a movement, by a choice, by a movement… So it’s a way of consistency and loving choices to hold the body and it’s movement in love.
Love your comment Christina and the power of simplicity it encapsulates for when you move in and from love, control cannot exist.
There is so much here to ponder Joel. I had never considered that ” the battle itself is a layer of control’. And yes, as I write that and feel it, it is just another way to delay the connection to self and the very natural and obvious action accompanying that would sustain the connection. Thank you, I will be back…. there is more to expose and appreciate
I am becoming more aware from my body of what loving choices and controlling choices feel like. As you have shared Joel, the controlling choices can masquerade as loving choices and I know I have spent a long time hiding behind that mask, thinking that everything is OK when really they were just ‘under control’. Loving choices feel just that in the body, loving, no effort, very simple and easy.
I can feel that too Donna how our choice to not live love can cunningly look like it’s a choice that it’s the best thing for us, that it ticks all the boxes, that everything looks good. The real marker of truth is the way we feel in our body. By developing a relationship with our bodies we are able to feel the quality of energy we are in at any time.
Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility. This is so true Joel, I love your expression, how it cuts through everything and brings us back to truth and love.
There is a lot in this Joel for us all to process and consider. Control is the illusion of self, when it is about us all. We cannot control the situation to the way we want it to be without a form or manipulation and a force of imposition on those around us. Control in effect is the barrier to surrender and the forcefield to true brotherhood and harmony.
A cracker of a comment Joshua…. Control is deeply manipulative and equally imposing and the antithesis to the love and harmony we all desire and are capable of living when we let go of the control and surrender to the wisdom of our bodies rather than the much lesser intelligence in our heads.
Yet it mascarades under a veil of feeling secure, safe, and absolutely on track with everything before us. All the while being a force of imposition and total lovelessness in our lives
The deceit and trickery of control becomes more apparent from reading this amazing blog JoeL. There are many times I have fallen into the trap of battling with myself to triumph over some ill choices and old patterns. This sentence completely makes non-sense of the battle with the mind to make different choices. Thank you for presenting the simplicity over complexity here – it frees up a lot of wasted energy that control imposes.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”.
It feels like having control means we measure just how much love we will accept and just how much we will evolve. It feels like holding back.
Very much so Amanda, it also feels like protection, hiding the hurts so not to be exposed. I’ve definitely protected my hurts in the past.
The moment we think we are in control is the moment we are out of it. Love asks for nothing. It doesn’t demand, it doesn’t protect: it doesn’t control. Love has no investment. These are all aspects of control.
That is so key christinahecke . . . love has no investment. Investment pushes myself away and it pushes others away. And in that there is no room for the magic to reveal itself.
There is something very practical coming with that. If there is a question of “when am I in control and when is it something I am doing simply with a strong purpose?” – I would answer: the body is the key. If you still feel surrendered and connected I would suggest it’s been the soul acting through out – if there’s a tension, any form of nervous energy to feel in the body – I would suggest having a control issue going on.
I loved this line “I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like.” This definitely is worth celebrating, to develop that awareness within oneself does take time, energy, dedication and responsibility. I too am ever developing more deeply that relationship with myself. It is ongoing and a daily commitment to make those loving choices.
Beautifully said , Reagankcarney! “An ongoing and daily commitment to make loving choices” – to claim truth by setting a surrendered body feeling of self love first. A foundation that’s worth to work on!
Its true raegankcairney, this is a point worth really appreciating, especially because at one stage I would have thought that was the end point. Of course there was the stage before that, where my idea of what is loving, is now so easily seen as abusive.
It is actually nothing but surrender to clear any will to control. I have for all my life known nothing but to be in control: to be sure things are done to the best, to know everything I was asked to answered, to always try to be one step ahead. I wasn’t told any other way. And today finding my way back to my own rhythm and the truth of my body is life changing.
Its true, christinahecke there is only one antidote to control…surrender and yes the journey is life changing
Just today I had experienced the grace of surrender in a precious way: I used to live my life believing “I have to do it on my own. Or at least be able to do so.” And I did a move and was supported by someone at my back. In former day I would have refused the support by asking the one at my back to get away, I could do it. But today I have allowed myself to surrender to that support and immediately felt tears coming up. Because it takes hardness in the body to always walk with this control, to rather make it by myself than letting someone do it – and maybe “wrong”. But working with allowing someone to support me, claiming me in it, not giving the power to another: so still doing the work BUT getting supported was so deeply beautiful, that I will never refuse support again if it’s truly offered. What a beauty.
Great example christinahecke, such a simple barrier to break down and allow ourselves to feel that we don’t have to go it alone.
And adding to that: it raises the quality in which things can be done if I accept support and things might turn out to end up completely different than imagined. But maybe even better. At least in a different harmony than by pushing the things to get done on my own.
yes..very true…its that willingness to allow the magic of what might emerge and be willing to not know exactly what that might be and then to not getting disappointed if it doesn’t fit the mental image we hold to make it ‘worth while’.
I’m with you on that one, controlling life is hard work and definitely unfulfilling.
Today I was in a meeting and I noticed that I don’t need to be in control. Whenever it’s needed for me to express something, my body’s telling me loudly. Slowly I am becoming aware that allowing and trusting this, takes away the desire for a solution, for goals, etc. And as a side effect, I am actually much more aware of what others say, contribute and how amazing the process of truly working together is. It unfolds, naturally. I am smiling from wonderment.
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’
Oh wow. We go around and around, day after day, year after year trying to convince ourselves we are in ‘control’ of our own direction when we can never escape we are are simply a part of a universal rhythm we can never escape from. Why fight it? What’s the point of that?
I can feel that the pleasure that I still get sometimes from seemingly being in control by choosing from the mind keeps me off track the way of my heart. As long as there are still links to reward of the self there will always be the belief that there is something I “can control”. Thank you, Joel.
Thanks christinahecke, I agree with you, there is control the moment there is some form of self reward… even if that reward is seemingly self destructive.
Coming back to this blog, I find there is still so much deeper to go with this. The reward of the self is actually saying well done for not being in connection and thinking the controlled situation has worked out well.
I know that, in truth, there is no place for battle in my body when love reigns – when true love reigns.
Control really is “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” Who has not felt that before? I know I certainly have. Then how very true when you state – “Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility” I too have developed an awareness of myself that when I am not allowing and accepting, or as you say, there is a battle, there is something to look at for sure. To come back to my connection.
I like the point that control is the antithesis of self responsibility, because it so often represented as the pinnacle of responsibility. in truth, we do need to make informed choices every second, but this feels so different to controlled ones.
And great tension held in our bodies also Raegan compared to a state of connection and surrender to what is there to be done rather than what I want to do.
Joel your blog feels to have many layers of unfolding offering awareness of the ways that control can play out.. and could it be as simple as making the choice to accept and surrender to a way of love that leaves no room for control.
I like the simplicity here Joel, “when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.”
It’s like we like the drama of the battle and the story of it means we have something to identify with and congratulate ourselves with. But we are coming back to our true essence of love, discarding the stuff that is not us. The battles aren’t love therefore they are not us.
Gosh there is so much here for me to be with, not only your amazing words Joel but also the equally revelatory comments. I am feeling very vulnerable and tender today as I am seeing (seemingly in one fell swoop) some of those forms of control I use to harden myself to not feel everything. Let it go. Let go. Let.
Yes, control can be a form of false protection which keeps us from feeling the natural beauty of us when we are connected and simply allow ourselves to be.
So simply and beautifully said Victoria Picone.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” This line is so true Joel it explains so much about the complications we create in life when we try to control it. When it is a loving choice there is no question it just is, it feels complete. Control is the opposite, because it is void of love we become unsettled and start an inner turmoil and right or wrong becomes our goal, which keeps us going round in circles and never feels complete.
Thanks Joel, I hadn’t seen the scenario with food quite like this so thank you for sharing as this is great and will be a huge support in moving forward as this is an area I have ‘battled’ with.
The same for me here Kristy, this also was an eye-opener for me to see the control in this, thinking I was overcoming something instead there was an internal struggle going on.
So really Joel there is only ever one choice, being of love, or all that isn’t. It would appear that in the all that isn’t control has its field day, whereas with love our connection guides our way.
Very beautifully expressed Giselle.
The beauty of experiencing life in surrendering to it without seeking to control it – is indescribably!
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”. Love this Joel, it really puts ‘control’ in its rightful place and expressed this way makes it very clear that a ‘controlling choice’ can never be a ‘loving choice’ as the two are compete opposites.
Fundamental to living a true way is our connection – ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’
Absolutely true Lee, this is fundamental to living a true way – as Joel points out in the blog.
Determining our true way is the awareness of the choice that we are connecting to in the first place – that which is true, (fiery/ Soul) or that which is not true (astral/spirit). Thank goodness we have tools to support the choice to be Love available to us as delivered by Serge Benhayon.
“SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue”.
Absolutely Stephanie the tools we have been given are the foundation for our return back to a soul-full way of being.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” This feels uncomfortable to feel as I can tangibly feel how in some of the choices I make I am self sabotaging my reconnection to a loving way of living.
To me the seeking for creation of the spirit is linked with this uncomfortable feeling. It would have to let go of the identification in control.
This is what the spirit holds on to so dearly, the need for identification.
I am going to have to really sit with this Joel. I have read it before and feel like I skimmed over it which is interesting in itself as I am controlling the length to which I will go to in making loving choices.
I really got on re-reading the blog how I am still holding onto so much control as I can get a sense of how free my body would feel if I just allowed myself to make loving choices rather than controlling choices.
Love or control – no brainer really; agreed about the surrender – we allow the true surrender of self and all else flows accordingly….
Did you ever believe that it could be so simple?!? We are so used to complication, that things are easily doubted when they just flow along the way. And that is what surrender brings!
True surrender does indeed allow the open flow of love and wisdom to be shared unconditionally where as control has a mentality that is not only conditional but restrains us from expressing the fullness of who we are. Well said Rachel.
There is indeed a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.
I am slowly learning to give more weight and power to loving choices thus bringing more understanding and acceptance to myself and others; for me a work in progress!!
Thank you Joel for highlighting issues around control, choices and self responsibility.
I like how you put this Shirl – loving choices and controlling choices. Loving choices require surrender to make so this makes sense.
There is so much to ponder on in this blog. On reflection I feel like I have a few control issues to feel into and deal with although on the other hand it sounds simple, appreciate and deepen my connection with myself and stop resisting my connection. Food comes to mind for me and how I often think I will just eat this for the last time and while in my head minimizing the effect it has on my body. As you say Joel “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”
I agree Margaret, we can make it more complicated that in truth it is, as we can then delay re-connecting to us and living with that loving responsibility that precedes all our ways.
Well said Victoria. The word responsibility in itself can become completely reinterpreted, making it out as a burden and hard work. Yet living that loving responsibility is joy because we can feel all that this brings.
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind…. My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue… So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”. This is really aptly expressed Joel. I relate to the battle. Coming back to our connection so that we choose our the choices that are presented to us seems very key.
Thank you Joel, this is such a great blog, which offers so much for me to consider. My whole life has been controlled mainly to stay safe. Replacing the word control with love, offers a whole new way of living. “The battle itself is just another layer of control” great words for me as I feel I have been in a battle lately.
It’s a continual process of honouring of our own surrender of the control, isn’t it Jill… You’ve encapsulated this so simply – replace ‘control’ with ‘love’ (real love) – and as Joel has shared, commit to living in a way that supports our knowing of and deepening connection to Love, and we can’t but let go all of that which has so constrained us.
I love this ..”To make choices that were more supportive, I thought I needed some form of control but I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.” This feels like somewhat of a blind spot for me. I guess the first place to start is to ask myself this question often as I make choices.
This is such an important topic Irena, and can relate to so many areas of life. It’s like when we make a choice to be healthy, do we come from a place of love and connecting with our bodies to check in on how it wants to exercise, or eat and sleep? Often, its the opposite where there is a lot of control and looking for ‘quick fix’ diets and exercise routines that tell you what you should be doing.
Choices we make out of control are neither satisfying nor complete. There is always something which needs to be considered further. Where as loving choices give me a feeling of freedom, knowing that at that moment everything is in sync.
This is so true Sonja, there is always another controlling choice needed to secure the last controlling choice.
True Sonja and beautiful expressed. The simplicity of allowing ourselves to trust that when we surrender and choose love, we connect to the bigger picture that takes care of the whole.
We can choose control or love. The message we deliver to ourselves regarding how we see the world and what is to be done to be in it is totally opposite. It is a choice of message. The rest just follows from it.
This is an awesome quote for all to ponder in relation to their own lives..”Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” How often do we try to control situations to go our way when if we just relaxed and trusted the flow of the experience it could bring us to an even deeper place?
This is so true Irena Haze as a recent experience that became quite complicated could have been avoided had I stayed with the steadiness of my inner essence and trusted what impulses came from there. A great learning though through it.
I feel Julie the simplicity of an inner impulse and how when we don’t choose this we are choosing complexity.
Yes Irena, to accept that we are part of a bigger picture and it is not just about our own small world. Trying to control situations to go our way feels like swimming against the stream.
I loved returning to your wonderful blog Joel and today these words jumped out, obviously to be looked at: “I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.” How often do we stay with what we know as it appears to be a safe place to be, but it is in fact a place that is exactly the opposite: one that is holding us in a pattern of harm but has become so familiar that we accept it as normal? To let go of the control to make something work the way we perceive it “should “ be and to be open to new way, free of the complications and control, can be a little scary but I have found that when I listen to my inner voice the new way is always the true way.
Beautifully encapsulated Ingrid. I would say that we can voraciously hold onto the ‘known’ and our sense of security in it – even when we do ‘know’ that it’s not it, that our chosen way is keeping love at bay and any hurts we are holding onto well and truly under lock-down.
So much here about truly surrendering to ourselves, and letting others in…
What is clear is that the only safe place is the pattern to which we come back once and again. The pattern is what makes us feel safe, not where we go thanks to it. The pattern is our (so called) best friend. We are protecting our right to resort to the pattern of controlling at any time. We are not protecting us as we do not truly need protection (and cannot protect ourselves in full).
Where I am at the moment my present issue with control is my increased awareness of the controlling patterns I have developed to protect myself from feeling hurt either from old buried hurts or new perceived ones. The paradox is that not only do these behaviours not protect me from feeling hurt but they also create a shield from me feeling the thing I most desire; to feel my true gentle, tender and loving nature. The more I allow myself to feel me behind my shield so I am exposing more and more of these patterns. As they become exposed I am increasingly discovering how false they are and my true protection lies in surrendering to my true nature. In that place I know there is no control but a one-unified flow.
You bring deep awareness to the seed of control Joel. Thank you for sharing this depth of understanding “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”.
Yes this is brilliant and very exposing. Sometimes we try so hard to justify the battle but here it is as clear as day. This quote is very exposing, “a hint of battle”. There’s great integrity and responsibility here.
I agree Nicole and Irena, it is very exposing. Even the ‘trying to do the best I can’, is control because there is no flow.
The way is to control the environment to pre-empt anything from happening to us. It is fascinating that what in truth happens is that there are two citations at hand: the explicit one where two people interact “a viva vocce” and the manoeuvring behind the scenes trying to make sure that things go in one direction, while we calculate in the meantime how much are we going to allow deviations and plan how to get back ‘in track’. Exhausting just to write about it!!!
Control, attachment… How voraciously we hold onto our constructed versions of how things ‘need’ to be. And what then, if our needed designs on life actually come about? What then, if by pure force of our will used to control ourselves, people, situations… that we get an outcome that we want? Does it relieve our tension, make us feel better – or, actually at one with ourselves and all? Or are we left clambering for more, seeking yet another ‘battleground’ upon which to lay down the rules we deem are necessary – so that everything looks the way we want it to, to that we may be offered momentary reprieve, relief, rest…
There is a deeper issue here of acceptance – seeing the world for how it truly is, the love, the rot, all of it… And then, as you have shared Joel, committing to a lived way of connection with our true natures – yes, amongst all of ‘how it is’. That love may actually fuel our way, and our actions are no longer choices, but absolute ‘givens’ that offer something that this battleground has not seen nearly enough of – and that is love, and the real deal of it. With no fight, and no needing to control, but rather a claimed representation of everyone’s truth.
And so how awesomely worthwhile it is, to have such a discussion around our penchant for control, and all that we are attached to and need to be a certain way, so that more of us – the love, the truth of who we are, our innate Godliness – can fuel our being and flow through into this plane of life, this world we live in.
Beautiful comment Victoria, I have found myself controlling out of the fear of not having enough, being enough or accepting enough what is occurring around me. There are no solutions to this need for control, it is insatiable, the wanting never stops for the need to cover up the emptiness that is calling me from within is hard to silence and forever. l found myself like a slave to this thing we call control until one day I stopped choosing to hold on tight and instead let go. Surrender and trust in who I am, have now become my loyal companions and open the door to my heart and soul.
I too have found myself controlling when I am fearful of not being enough and accepting of myself. But I now have become more aware of when I am doing it and can tell the niggling little thoughts to move on, because I am most certainly enough just connecting to me, my love and that is beautiful.
Nicole this is beautiful – I love the word surrender, it is for me bringing all of who I am to every moment. When I ask myself – ‘If I am not in complete Surrender, then where am I?’ the answer is always that I am attempting to ‘control’ something, someone or some moment. Life is amazing when I sit in the ‘lap’ of surrender – it feels like one big hug. Thanks to Joel for initiating these great discussions on ‘Control’, very exposing.
Wonderful comment, a rich blog within itself. Our innate godliness, certainly brings a whole new level of possibility for the movitiation for our choices.
Absolutely Joel.
So beautifully expressed Victoria, you have clearly outlined two very different paths, one of control and one of acceptance. For me, living with control is exhausting, and to answer your question about how does it feel afterwards if we get a desired outcome… it feels like the push and drive needs to be upped to keep the facade going. Not a joyful way to live. There are areas in my life that are now “…absolute ‘givens’ that offer something that this battleground has not seen nearly enough of – and that is love, and the real deal of it.”
That’s it exactly Aimee – if we are steering the direction of our lives, without truly connecting to ourselves, and we are caught in determining where we will ‘go’ based upon fulfilling our need for things to be a certain way, then I don’t see that there can ever be any ‘let up’…
Without a deep foundation of love in the equation, nothing will ever be enough – and perhaps, for many of us (I know I’ve been there, and am still loosening the tethers…), that’s how it suits us to be.
Living in such tension and its perpetual attendant motion, keeps us away from ourselves and love always just beyond our arms length.
Crazy isn’t it, when true connection as Joel describes, can be but a breath away – should we so choose. And that is what is offered here in this blog and ensuing discussion, a true choice that is always, and has always been awaiting in the very palms of our hands and in our hearts.
So true Victoria, ‘Without a deep foundation of love in the equation, nothing will ever be enough …’ and, I love what you share in your comment.
Some great questions in here Victoria. Does getting what we want relieve the tension? For a short while maybe, but my feeling is we are inevitably left ‘clambering for more…and more…and more…’ until, finally, we do choose to look within and ‘refuel’ from that apparently different but in truth ‘original source’ that is the infinite well of Love within us. Wonderful sharing, thank you.
Agreed Richardmills363. The ‘clambering for more’ is insatiable – perhaps momentarily quelled, but that in itself is illusionary.
It is in this way that the Ageless Wisdom speaks of the spirit and the soul. When we are soulful, there is nor can be any want. We are with the ‘infinite well of Love’ as you so beautifully describe. When the spirit has its hold, we are ever left grasping to fill the void created by this part of us that wilfully separated from God and our truth.
The markers are very clear, and how awesome to have such awareness highlighted and ever-deepened for all humanity in and via the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Absolutely gorgeous comment Victoria.
Isn’t it funny what we are working on is something we once used to be instantly? That all that control does is giving us a feeling of “security” of something that we originally made to be “insecure”. Only by the one choice to let a hurt be a justification to shut down the heart – whatever it has been in all the specific cases.
‘Funny’ – or perhaps utterly ‘insane’ christinahecke! Yet this is how we have gone about things, seemingly forever. We are protecting something that doesn’t need protecting – ourselves.
And thank God for the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, that we can once again see this with such clarity, and ‘undo’ all this crazy stuff we’ve adopted that has blocked our own true light from shining.
Agree with no argument left, Victoria Carter! It is what we have lived is the circle of once got hurt – now “need” to protect. But the biggest protection is to be open and love. But nowhere are we taught this truth – but by the way of the livingness indicated by Serge.
Beautifully said Victoria. It takes so much energy to try and control our lives, situations and people. We just need to let go, surrender and trust.
Hear, hear Natalie. Aaaarrrrghhhh for the EFFORT it takes to merely ATTEMPT to control it all…. And the absolute rejoicing within (and no doubt in Heaven) when we let go…
let go, surrender, trust & take responsibility for all of our choices 🙂
So beautifully said, Victoria. Thank you. It really exposes the silliness of trying to control the uncontrollable in pursuit of a desired image.
‘Silliness’ is a very apt word here Fumiyo! OMG yes…
And yet, we can still hold ourselves in the deepest loving understanding as we allow the (ongoing) process of renouncing and relinquishing our modes of control – the ways we’ve not felt equipped to truly trust life and let the divine impulse our way in full.
It is a natural process isn’t it… as we take our ‘evolutionary’ steps back to who we are, and living in a way that is unified with God’s Love, rather than fighting against it.
Fantastic comment Victoria, exposing beautifully the insidious game we play of living a measured and “in control”, life and the endless cycle we loop around and around of achieving our pursuits to try to fill the emptiness inside, rather than choosing to connect to our selves and living life from a connection to our bodies and feeling what is there to be done.
Beautifully said Thomas, and thank-you.
And what if, when we surrender our self-determined need for things to be a ‘certain way’ and our staunch adamance that they be so… there is yet awaiting ‘another way’ to live..? One that is rich beyond measure, where we are here to do what is ‘to be done’ as you say, in glorious and unwavering connection with God and the Truth and Love that sustains all.
Through this surrender, this can be our lived experience. Of that today, I have no doubt.
Boy, we’ve fought and fought and fought it, haven’t we…
Great point Victoria. The war on control is endless. There is never landing us to a tension free world. Winning a battle simply prepares us (morally) for the next one. Life becomes a giant playground for manipulation and working behind the scenes even if silent.
These are powerful words Eduardo. “Winning a battle simple prepares us (morally) for the next one.”
So, we get what we wanted (or a part of us wanted and craved for), and exactly – ‘what then’? Any satiation of the need can only be but momentary, can’t it…
Thanks Victoria, I can relate to the lack of acceptance and how through this we feel like we need to control because certain things don’t fit into the way we think they should be. When we accept and live lovingly the need for control drops away.
It is an ongoing learning, isn’t it Christopher… But one most definitely worth our awareness, for we are all ‘loaded’ from day one, with pictures of how the world ‘should be’ – how relationships should be, what will ‘make us happy’, what will fill the void of our own lack of love for ourselves…
It is a beautiful experience to feeling our grasping for control loosen its hold, and allow the spaciousness of love to fill that place in our being where we were once so very constricted.
The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind… Oh no, I so know this, while immediately I feel it is so good that it has been finally spoken out so that I know this is a way to avoid my responsibility in life. I am now held accountable for this game, as I have caught myself doing it consciously so. There are so many forms of control, that exposing them from any angle is necessary.
There is no right or wrong, this or that in the heart, there is just love. Sometimes the mind is completely thrown back by love just being love. Unthinkable, we say—and so true.
Yes Adele exactly right. So does it expose to us that our minds always make things complicated even if things are so simple, it is the constant creation that we choose that allows us to override the brilliant simplicity of any kind.
Control is like the holding of the reins in the mastering of the horse to feel a sense of achievement and control over, yet actually being the puppet being controlled.
I absolutely know this inner battle when in that moment, control is all that matters. And I can do this without even realising, only to have it shown back to me later in the consequences that follow. It is at this point that I am learning to say oops, and move on without self judgement or critique. To allow myself the mistakes because these are very powerful tools for learning.
I can really relate to this Joel, ‘I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.’ I can very much relate to this, with work for years I had a set way of working – it was hard and complicated but it was safe and I knew it worked, but recently I am changing this very controlled way and have felt how much more simple and fun work can be if I’m open to letting go of the control and allowing a more easy, simple way of working.
There seems to be a lot of little pockets where control comes in within my life. So little by little, unfolding and working through them as they come around. It’s great to have love to wrap yourself in with some of the real squirmy ones.
Joel, I love your blog, and I wish to acknowledge your following statement: “I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like. For the record, this is worth celebrating and appreciating.” This is indeed worth celebrating and appreciating, whilst working on going deeper into looking at all the ways we can fool ourselves into thinking that all is “under control”….so to speak : ).
A highly intelligent piece of writing. It’s not everyone that has the awareness, let alone the ability to communicate the game we humans all play internally. But, everyone who reads it knows for themselves they have experienced the same. Daily living is a mixture of rhythm, patterns and decisions. Some of those decisions are made almost as though they are not decisions and once there is an awareness of such, then what’s been described above starts to become observed. I’ve had recent wonderful experiences whereby it’s been confirmed: that by releasing all control, larger or more long term decisions (that don’t require immediate decision) simply make themselves, or reveal themselves – which to my sense, is an experience as described “So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. “
Awesome blog Joel … You’ve nailed what control is all about and the unnecessary battle within. Thank you.
Control is all about things we try to control that are uncontrollable. We have always tried to control our environment and the phase time and tide comes to mind. Why do we look out side of ourselves to over ride what we feel? You are so right Joel, it does become a battle that we create for ourselves… this is a bit crazy. We will always be the one that gets to make the loving choices not to be controlled by the thing between our ears.
Looking at my lack of responsibility has been a theme of late and then reading this article which brings in the issue of control has given me a lot to think about.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” Having always wanted to be in control – and things not working out, I am now letting go more, allowing and accepting. Life starts to flow when I do this, so a great question Joel as to ‘what are we really in control of?’ Trusting and surrendering are the new way forward for me to learn.
Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.
This was great to read again today Joel, with my theme for the week of ‘surrendering’ in mind. This surrender process has been to the stillness and love that I know I innately am, and can live always. It is becoming increasingly obvious to me too when this struggle and control predominates, and thus I am miles away from feeling my true delicateness. I am able to see the control more now in its minutiae of how it operates for me, and am thus open to exposing it, and outing it, whenever it rears its ugly head.
Yes Amelia, it’s awesome to become more aware of all the ways I choose to be controlling, and to realise how little true surrender there is in how I live. I feel ‘surrender’ is my theme for quite some time, that’s why I was drawn to re-read Joel’s blog on control.
Funny – I try to be in control of everything, yet deep down I know I am not in control of anything. The battle you describe Joel summarises the position I take so well, to keep TRYING, to keep WORKING AT IT, and to keeping the image of what I could be if… Yet I am all that I need to be right now, its effortless, its full of love and me in my uniqueness. Gorgeous and super simple.
Exhausting isn’t it… the effort we put in – to need to be more, to hold the reins on something (us) that when allowed to flourish, is naturally so grand.
Again Joel I need to say that I love your writing. This is only the second time I have read this blog but I feel like I could, or should, read it everyday. A line that stuck out to me was “…I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like.” Wow. How different an approach to treat our relationship with our self as a relationship! How honest are we in this relationship? How loving are we in this relationship? How much space so we allow to nurture and develop this relationship? Or, do we take this relationship for granted as we can do with so many others and not work on it as we should? This has really given me something to ponder on, as I feel like I am abusive at times in my relationship with myself and I know I would not tolerate someone else treating me the way I treat myself at times.
I’ve pondered this before Lee, and I’m always disappointed that for some reason I always seem to be the last one in the line, the last to get that special bit of care. I place myself at the back of the queue for the love that I can bring, which is crazy, because if I do connect to the love deeply in me, then I have more to share that with others.
Control is such a big and such a small insidious thing. I take from your blog: in particular in relation to food ‘when something is true it just is, no decision, no thinking, when I need to think about it then likely its coming from I deserve it or need it! Thank you.
This morning when I awoke I could feel the internal struggle within me. After exploring it in my mind I realised that it came down to a control again, and it didn’t matter why in that instant, but that I couldn’t move forward not feeling connected anymore. In this the choice to surrender became an easy one. The choice to be at one within my body.
I love the simplicity of your sharing here Jenny – “The choice to be one within my body”.
Once again Joel you have brilliantly exposed the wily nature of our spirit, you’ve caught it out playing games within games, indeed how happy go lucky this living lie can seem.
“I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky. That is until things reach a certain point and, once I reach that point, it‘s like walking away from a wall with a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back to remind me of my place.”It seems we have control so well mastered that we can even manipulate the manifestation of control to seem easy going – ouch the insipid nature of this living lie!
This line is pure wisdom ‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’ I am so often faced with this inner battle that can so often wear me down into making the unloving choices, but this line changes all that quite simply in an instance. The inner battle ceases to exist when the loving choice is made.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” I had to come back to this one. What I also got from it, because I experience this so often too, is the level of comfort I am in by living in this delay. Because, really, why would I want to delay reconnecting to a way of living that is just love? Because perhaps there is still some attachment to being an individual and taking part in the merry-go-round. I am noticing the more I live the loving choices and appreciate myself for making them and, as you have shared Joel, feel what letting-go of the control feels like in my body, I am developing my self-responsibility and trusting in what I feel and know.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” And from what I have experienced, by supporting myself, I am also supporting others. Here is where we feel the responsibility – as you have said. Thank you Joel.
It’s a crazy place where we feel that controlling things brings us protection when in fact it brings us all the problems, disharmony and complications. Yet this is how myself and so many others in society thought was the way it had to be – that an internal fight was normal when in truth as you and Joel have shared it does not need to be that way and in fact our natural way of being is the very opposite of this.
I love how you have stated the big “trick” so simply here David – we think that controlling creates protection when it is the exact opposite. Surrendering and letting go of protection is what will allow us to be ourselves. Such a beautiful teaching. Wow.
The feeling of control reminds me of a child who has been held accountable for their inappropriate behaviour. In this the child can accept the situation surrender and keep playing or they can resist and fight (tantrum) which essentially delays the imminent return of them coming back to just being themselves in the family. Interesting how so many of our patterns from childhood can continue into adult life.
‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection’. This is awesome Joel, I can really relate to what you are sharing here, thank you for putting it into words.
Joel you express the situation succinctly in the words ‘if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection:’ When connected it is easy to know what to do or eat.
Control has become a major part of everyones lives in trying to live and get through in our own way. This is part of the problem we all face as a result and the harmony oneness and simplicity of life and letting things be has been lost in our needs and separation from ourselves our very essence. Allowing this beautiful ,harmony ,flow and connection and love to come back to our lives is a real gift one shown to us by Serge Benhayon living this way and is a real gift to humanity
Having lived by myself for most of my life until I married at 61, I was used to being in control and making controlling choices. I did not become aware that there was “a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices” until I met Serge Benhayon and heard him present. Like you Joel, I am now aware that “there is no choice to be made when I am being loving to myself”.
This is so true Martin. Holidays, or breaks, as we so aptly call them have become synonymous with having time out, yet really when we look at it it is often an allowing. If we could understand this then perhaps we may start to pay attention to our bodies every day of the week, and not be left with the burn out we currently experience.
Choosing connection is vital as you say Joel, ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.’ I agree, to choose things that support us to keep that connection is common sense and being loving with ourselves.
To control is to; exercise restraint or direction over, dominate, eliminate or prevent the flourishing… these are all things we allow. Where is our free will when we give our power to others? Where am I in this process? It’s time to buy our self’s back from what we have sold our self out to in the past. It’s time to stop the war and end the battle, the only way to win is not to play.
The only way to win is to not play, yes exactly sjmatsonuk. As someone said in a movie I was watching once, it’s not the curse that has the power, it’s the power you give to the curse, so in other words, don’t feed the tension/emotion, stick with what is true and known and you will feel the real truth of you.
No ‘playing games’ with each other – absolutely. Life becomes so much simpler when this is put into practice.
This blog is very enlightening Joel, I never realized that a lot of what I do is about control and like you explained control is the opposite of acceptance and self responsibility.
Surrender, stop, feel, surrender!
I agree Joel…In reality the one thing we have ‘control’ over is our choice to be connected to ourselves or not.
A great read that reveals the daily struggle we can choose to live with instead of choosing connection and allowing everything to flow from there. I’ve always found it interesting why so many live with this needing to control the way things should be, including myself and much of what you have shared has revealed the key to healing this dis-ease that stops us from experiencing life the way it simply could be.
“Needing to control the way things should be” … and what a continuous battle for the upper hand that is! A continual chase after a picture followed by another picture followed by yet another one and so it goes on, relentless, exhausting and futile.
Absolutely Gabriele – it is amazing to consider how many pictures I allow to form part of how I live. I say I am a visual person, but sadly that means that I imagine or picture life rather than just allow and accept it and let it flow. That is a huge rip the carpet from under me moment – and I am sitting with this all at the moment.
All revealing where we are attached, and needing things to be a certain way, and how staunchly we hold on (even when the futility of such a way of exercising our will is clear)…
Seeing the battle for what it is as you have so clearly outlined here Joel, begs the question why we would ever choose to delay ourselves our right to live from and in love. Yet rather than allowing myself to get stuck in the unfathomable, the reminder for me is to come back to celebrating and appreciating my own knowing of what making loving choices feel like. Thank you Joel.
Controlling is not trusting in who we are and using our hurts to hold us back. Better to let go and allow that deeply innate authority within to guide us.
If I am honest I have never been that in control of anything and have had very little self-control, especially when it comes to food, drink and numerous other things, so you could say I was in control of no control but never really in control at all. Knowing that a loving choice, just is, takes away all the inner battle and need for control or lack of it.
interesting Kevmchardy, the control of giving up control.
Control is our own resistance to our connection and the flow of life, the more we let go of our hurts and surrender we realize there was no reason to control in the first place and absolutely everything is already taken care of .
Great way to deepen the thread Franciso. The reason we choose the control is because of a hurt or something we have invested in (to cover a hurt) that we are holding onto. It seems so much easier to skim along the surface, but in truth it burns an enormous amount of energy to keep that going.
Yes this morning someone came to help me in the house, in fact in the attic, and he was 35 minutes late. I began to feel edgey because of ongoing control issues I have with this person but today I totally let go of any of that and observed his body language as I expressed lovingly towards him. I trusted and surrendered and spoke my truth. It didn’t matter that he had nothing to say in response. I know he had allowed me in just a little bit and there was love in our interaction rather than the struggle that had been there of late.
I love this comment Francisco. Everything is already taken care of and who are we to think we need to get in the way. Such a good reminder to get out of the way and surrender.
This is the irony of control and such a trick…”I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest.” If there is control in any shape or form then there is no true love.
When I get into a cycle of controlling my life I am trying to make it fit into a picture rather than being open to what is possible and what is needed.
I have learnt that it is surrendering that makes the difference. Surrender the image that I was holding onto and so invested in and then there is so much more available.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is.” So we fundamentally have two choices either choosing love and the flow of life or control and rigidity and restriction to the flow of life.
Wow Joel, thank you for presenting that the battle is control, and that a true loving choice is determined by our connection first. It is true responsibility that you present, and a choice of misery or love. In the end it is or it isn’t.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.”
This is very telling for indecisiveness; it’s much easier to be indecisive than to do what’s true in many instances. It’s wonderful to be reminded that: if a decision is not flowing, it’s likely an inner game to keep us from the truth.
Well said Oliver. It is a good indicator that a game is in process.
Yes most definitely, perhaps one with conflicting investments, avoidance of hurts and responsibilities.
When doubt creeps in, is it a sure sign that love has just left the room for a moment. Is it like watching TV and an important ‘breaking news report’ interrupts your viewing… and you leave the room to make a cupper.
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” This is such an eye-opener for me, Joel, about the delay. I am very aware when I am delaying and what the repercussions will be, as somewhere inside me I always know the truth. It is helpful to be reminded, thank you.
Reading your blog for the third time it still offers me new awareness… What a great piece of writing..
Exactly having the same here SteffiHenn, it is incredible how I have read it for the third time too, and that I actually felt the truth of what you mean more deeply, it is like reading another version (deeper one) of the blog.. I feel how I have used guards to actually offset me from feeling that I am using control in parts of my life, more than I want to be aware of. What you shared on once we have that battle – we are not making a loving choice – as love just is, made so much sense. So do I have a way now to spot my ways of control in life, absolutely amazing! Well worth a read by everyone.
I am on read three too steffihenn and it is a blog that just keeps on offering and uncovering more for me to see. What a marker in itself for what writing and reading can really offer us.
This statement says it all for me, Joel:”I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” The idea of no choice is so unsupportable to one aspect of me that it seems incredible to even consider it. However the greater part of me, knows that with that surrender, I am with all of me and with everything. Like you say Joel, when there is a battle, it is the lesser aspect asserting its “right” to choose to be connected, or not.
That’s it Coleen, I can feel too that some aspects of me do not support the idea that there is actually no choice but only a surrendering to what is asked of me in life. When opportunities are presented to me I have never been able to appreciate these as being opportunities for me to learn and grow from, as given from heaven, but instead I start to judge them on how they interfere with the image I have created of what my next step should be instead, taking control over my life by creating an image of how it should be.
Thank you Nico, you have given this conversation the depth of what control means in everyday life, it is about our attitude towards life.
Yes, this was also key for me coleen, ‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ Why do I choose to prolong my misery, what is going on here?
It is incredible to me that we have put ourselves in a position where reconnecting to the loving support of the way of living that Joel describes, and to not turn back from that could even be considered an unsupportable choice as you describe, coleen24, but you are absolutely right.
I find excuses all the time to not support my connection to the degree where I feel that any other choice is inconceivable. It is that battle with myself that is somehow interpreted as being a part of being connected, when the truth is the battle to stay connected is a part of being disconnected. For if we are fighting ourselves, how can we love ourselves?
Thank you Naren for clearing my head and allowing me to see with more clarity the deviousness and energy that I put into not letting go. I know it’s ridiculous and yet the pattern of hanging on is a well and deep trodden path – and yet I know even that is only an excuse for not choosing to be all that I am.
It is a very tricky and yet oh, so familiar path, Susan. One that we usually rail against and say we want to do something differently with our lives, but when it comes down to it we seem to choose the same again and again. But the truth is that the true changing of our lives does not happen with grand gestures and sudden moves to new pastures and roads. It happens in the accumulation of healing steps which can culminate in a complete 180 degree turn around when we look back at it, but we would know it was happening while we are doing it.
I agree Coleen24. And it is only a delay, we are only putting it off because it is our natural state that we are returning to.
The title of your sharing Joel really asks me – what are we really in control of ? When I ponder on this, my first impulse to say is, it is my relationship to myself, which I’m in control of – I can decide if I love myself or not. And if I’m able to get this right, then everything else in my life can unfold.
It is a great question to ask “What are we really in control of ? ” and to consider “What would life be like if I didn’t try to control it?”
I love this question too.”What exactly am I trying to control?” I think the answer lies in the notion that I am trying not to expose my hurts, that I am trying not to expose my loveless choices and that I am trying to avoid taking responsibility for those choices. If I let all of that go in the awareness that everything is energy which comes through me and this cannot be stopped, (and that all that I have been trying to hide cannot be hidden anyway as it can be felt by others all of the time) then the only choice I have to make is which type of energy comes through me and how I love myself.
What would life be like if we spent the majority of our time appreciating what we already have? It’s an old-fashioned value, one my great grand parents used to herald because it truly works.
When we appreciate things more deeply are we as concerned about being in control of all situations? The answer is most definitely not. In fact whenever I am appreciating and valuing all that is my life I am invariably far more accepting, far less controlling and very understanding.
Again this word appreciation appears for me to embrace in my life. Appreciation is a one of alchemical wonders, available to one and all but very under-utilised. Appreciation speaks the language of God and leads to deep understanding and enjoyment of life.
I sit here and ponder…”Is that possible? If so how??
Beautifully said Alexander – The bottom line is our choice to re-connect to ourselves and live this loving presence. Simple really.
The relationship with myself aspect of this blog was a real highlight for me. The way I am with myself is reflected in the way I am with others. I know if I am less loving with myself then I am less loving with others. My relationship with myself is foundational for all other relationships and therefore the choice to be loving with myself is a choice not only for me but for everyone.
Well said, Ariana! I love the truth and presence of your words claiming it to be “felt all by yourself”. The mind itself will not give up the game for it would “lose the power of control”. It is a great humble and deeply divine feeling to bring the mind back in service of the heart and allow myself to feel first.
I feel best supported in not overcoming the need to control by feeling into my body. By allowing myself to treat me as precious as a little child: tender, caring and with all the knowing of the heart for what is truly needed.
I have lost some weight over the years, this has been a by product of learning to care for myself. Some people ask me how I did it and suggest I must have a strong will. This is how it is happened, you put it beautifully “Take food for example. When food is a loving choice, I look at the food, I know I don’t feel great after eating it and I go “Why would I?” There is no battle because I have connected to myself and not to a mental picture of how great it might taste, or how deserving I am. In that moment there is no choice to be made, it just is.” I have not struggled, when I honour what I feel it makes sense to stop eating things that do not support me. It is very simple and since this has begun to occur I have begun to build a greater sense of self worth because I am learning to have self respect and learning to love myself.
Control is such a straitjacket and you describe so well how it hems us in, in exchange for a bit of predictability and assumed security – none of which last long in reality.
Using knowledge as a form of control and protection is something I have done and see in many others, that safety in knowing more about something than someone else does and using it as a form of control and power over other people or situations. It feels like a liberating way to live is to say I am not sure about that, can you help me, no pride or arrogance, just a willingness to live and learn with others.
This is great Stephen, to let go of the control we put on our relationships with other people from our need for security and protection. I fully agree that it is much more fun to be open and honest and ask people for help or assistance instead of doing it all ourselves while keeping the other out. It is indeed a letting go of the control, replaced with the willingness to live and learn with others.
I agree Stephen G. Entirely. There is another angle to it as well. By saying “I am not sure” and inviting the other to teach you is also a huge opportunity for them. I have noticed this specifically with my children. They love it when they become my teacher and are telling me stuff that they know and I don’t. It invites them to step up and become the leader.
Joel, we are so used to the battle that what you have presented here can be difficult to comprehend! I understand it though, and it further exposes how we think life is to be ~ constantly up & down and striving to achieve. Life is meant to be love, pure and simple. Building our consistency with loving choices is important, until such time that it is no longer a choice – it just is love.
Joel I was reflecting on a situation yesterday where things were not feeling quite right – as the morning went on the tension built as I delayed speaking with someone, I wanted to sort this out but instead took some time to connect with myself. Whats becoming clear is that through connection things make sense and there is no need to try and control – had I simply spoken when I felt to instead of controlling (disconnecting). So what I’ve felt from this is as your blog shared, connection and then following through on what is felt to do as anything other than this is control and disconnecting. In that way there is no choice apart from to disconnect.
GREAT analogy, perfectly illustrating the futility of control. To understand this game that we are playing we have to understand what we are trying to control. In my case it feels more like protection. I am using control to protect myself from others. If I am in control of a situation then I am protected. This caps me from being everything that I am, but also is a total imposition on others within the situation I am controlling.
I so know this Otto- same here… Control gives me “safety” in how far someone can get close to me..
What a sad game our hurts are constantly playing out almost automatically.
In reply to your comment steffihenn, I agree totally about how control gives us a perceived safety. But something stuck out for me in the 2nd paragraph. In that, for me, this game is absolutely my choice. I can see and feel myself actively choosing the protection. I know what you meant and it is semantics, but the craziness of it is that actually ‘the hurts’ are craving for me to drop the protection, because then they would be healed. So it is ME, not the hurts, that is choosing the protection – and I am doing this under the false illusion that I am defending myself against more pain. A crazy merry-go round.
Wow Ottobathurst, you just summed up my past few days. I tell myself I want to let go of my hurts and where I choose protection over love, but when it comes down to it, I still keep myself there, holding the hurts, and if I remain in any illusion about this, something comes up to let me know loud and clear that I am still holding on where I needn’t be. It is we that have the power to choose and not our hurts, you are correct.
And thus it is WE who can so easily choose to let go of our hurts. Amazing that we allow them to have such a huge hold over us when all we need to do it is, simply, choose to let them go.
This blog deserves repeat and repeat reading. It is so brilliantly incisive and simple. And I giggle at the way that it turns the whole game of control on it’s head – except that control is not remotely funny.
“My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have..” This is key Joel, and so well explains how we arrive at the choices we make.
How cool is it that our bodies actually tell us when we are moving away from our naturally loving way and into control. The telltale sign for me is the right shoulder/arm and my jaw. The minute I feel that tension come in, I know I am about to complicate things and make it harder for myself.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. ” Reading your blog again that one dropped and I can now sense the difference of what you described as a self loving choice versus a controlling one. And as I feel this I am again deeply thankful for this unfolding and super clear observation, Joel. I’ll walk my days with that perception.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice”. Some years ago I would not have understood this statement. Today I can feel the truth of it. It makes me appreciate the times when indeed there is no choice on my part, it just is for what it is, the mind has no part in it.
I am obviously in parts so deeply in control that I have to admit: I had to read it a few times to really get what you are expressing here. And I am deeply thankful for the direct and exposing gift that your blog is, Joel! Precious to be read again and again.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice” – jep! The only choice we have is to be with us, the real, true us and then all else does come through. It is that we are love and so, if we chose to be with us, we live that love and then we just do what is needed to be done to support love on earth. So simple. And what a challenge. But just because we made it complicated and because we want to control. But love we can not control – we can just live it by choosing to be with ourselves and express from there.
I have returned to this blog because it raises so many important points, about struggle and our relationship to it. It feels so compelling when we are tussling with ourselves over an issue. Yet there is no love to be found. Like you Joel, I was proud of my capacity for discipline, but I have a body feeling me that that sort of forceful determination is not working. In the doggedness of that way I can not sense the subtle information that my body is constantly communicating to me…thus I miss it altogether. Now I am learning to let it go and listen to the subtleties. It is actually frightening after 46 years of control, but the other way is no longer working…
Control is coming up for me big time at the moment. It’s like everywhere I look I can see how I try and control things. It has come as a very uncomfortable shock. I can see how creating a battle around things, be it food or a family issue, is actually a distraction from actually feeling and dealing with what I am shying away from. Very uncomfortable but ultimately freeing to see this.
Wow Joel. I am looking at control in a whole new way. “The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.” It was confronting to read this sentence as it exposes the fact that I have been living a ‘battle’ that has made life feel very hard when I actually didn’t need to. I feel inspired though as I can feel that life is actually much easier than I have created it to be.
Control has been a topic of late for me also. Your insights into control are much appreciated Joel. I’m beginning to explore control and what you share has taken it to a deeper level for me. Thank you.
“Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” This truly is the definition of control, it is when we hold life to be a certain way and we have expectations of people and situations that we react. We all tend to control when we don’t want to feel something or want to protect ourselves, it doesn’t foster self responsibility or acceptance of others either.
Control is huge for me and probably for many people in fact. I noticed recently I even control my breathing -its like I use it as a protection like when your scared and you hold your breath – I do it all the time! So I am working on letting go of the control and the blog was a reminder that it is so not loving to be in control! Thank you.
Control can be insidious. I had been choosing not to see how I try to control so many aspects of my life, but I’ve opened up to it and my goodness, it is rife!
Joel I have come back to your blog today because I still deal with this need to control on a daily basis. I liked your analogy of walking away from a wall that you are attached to with a rubber band. You only get so far before being snapped back. What spoke to me today was this section – ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.’ It was a lovely reminder of how lovingly vigilant I must be to keep choosing to do the things that support me in staying connected, and that they come first before I embark on anything, however small. When I go into control my choices are so limited. That is something I am realising.
Its so true isn’t it that there is nothing easy or loving about control. It keeps you tied up and restricted no end. When I am wanting to control something, my whole body reacts, like I go hard inside. My right shoulder raises and usually comes forward, my jaw can go tight and nothing flows. Doesn’t feel like a loving recipe at all.
Control. Ahhh. What a theme. ‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.’
This morning as I waited for my internet connection to return for almost 2 hours and with only limited time I noticed my need to control the situation. But of course it is fruitless. Now realising that if i truly allow all that is unfolding around me I can let go of the push and feel the bigger picture unfold. Thanks Joel I love the way you express. 🙂
Loved to hear about the “happy go lucky” control, defiantly something I have used and still do at times. The best part is that I didn’t even recognise it as being controlling… Thanks Joel for bursting that bubble !! )
And what are we refusing to see (to deal with)?
The feeling of a battle within is familiar to me and it has never felt pleasant. Afterwards I have always felt a bit battered and bruised. I have come to know that there is a way of living that does not require any battle, just acceptance. It doesn’t leave me battered and bruised, in fact, it leaves me feeling clear and spacious, with no effort required.
Robyn I can relate to feeling battered and bruised if I have spent time trying to control situations. I also feel shattered and totally depleted. Luckily now I have a different marker to go by. I have days where I have allowed and accepted, without the need to control. I have come home feeling relaxed and with enough energy to chat to the family and cook the dinner and do what ever else is required in the evening. I know which one I prefer, and Joel’s blog is a lovely reminder of how our choices to stay connected can help with letting go of this need to control what is in truth uncontrollable.
For me control has also be a ‘perfect’ strategy to not show my Love while being with others. So I don’t need to feel the tension, so they ‘miss out on me’, etc. A crazy strategy because I am the one in the first place missing out on me. I’m starting now to be honest that I do play this game constantly. And that I do make a choice. So even though I might not see the choice or make the choice, I am now not anymore ignoring that I am indeed the one making the choice. Whether that is chosing control or Love and connection.
Considering this blog a bit further, I realised how much we champion struggle – working things out, pushing through, problem solving and ‘management’. Forget the fact that we often create the struggle or complication in the first place… I was for a long time uncomfortable with stillness and the simplicity of love – whilst a powerful connection, it was very different to the ‘struggle of life’ which was constantly stimulating through the emotional and physical energy I invested in it.. I thought that was who I was – so in stillness, where was I? Oh that’s right, I was with the All! Getting used to that one – that very natural connection!
Great question Sarah: so in the stillness, where was I? I am also getting used to that one, deepening my stillness, although with some resistance here and there, but like you say, in the stillness, we are with the ALL where it is not about us, but about everybody.
Yes Sarah, I had a little laugh to myself when reading your comment, because when things go smoothly, its as if im looking around thinking where is the drama, the difficulty, the struggle. I am so used to the struggle, I feel its too good to be true. I too am getting used to that natural connection where there is an effortless, non-complicated flow.
Totally agree with you here Sarah, we do champion the struggle, and even the steps out of it. After knowing true connection, which so many of us have come to experience through the ‘Way of the Livingness’, it is crazy to think of all the decoys and delays we have going on, certainly this is my own experience. It is such a deviation from our truth, hence the word ‘wayward’.
That is such powerful observation – that we identify with struggle, it gives us something to think about, ruminate over – activity so we convince ourselves that we are ‘doing’ life, when in fact this struggle and the attempt to control is as Joel says, a delay tactic for the inevitable acceptance of our power – the fact that we are love.
Gorgeous Sarah. ‘the inevitable acceptance of our power – the fact that we are love.’
If we weren’t so caught up in the struggle, what would we be doing? It’s a convenient decoy if we are trying to hide.
I really connect with your description Joel, of lack of presence in the moment underpinning my choices from control. It is like my lack of presence makes me feel out of control or that I have missed an opportunity so must use force or manipulation to gain control again.
This analogy made me smile Ariana, so many times I have tried to use control and apply more force to a situation because I could not accept and allow what was really happening. Like the tide coming in.. I just end up very wet, damp frustrated and unhappy, what a total waste of effort.
Great wisdom Joel, how connection precedes any choice, or is itself a choice made from honouring and serving a deeper aspect of ourselves, before any conscious choice is made. So any battle around trying to connect or avoid connection, is a game we play. A recent conversation I had revealed the truth that a quality of stillness, which is reflected to us in nature, is always there for us to connect to whatever our choice. So why would we not choose to remain connected to it? For me this comes back to the fundamental avoidance of the pain of choosing to separate in the first place. This deep hurt we all hold is the hurt of hurts and occasionally I feel it and the control and avoidance that part of me chooses in order to not ‘go there’. And in understanding Stillness is always there, it is true that healing this deepest of hurts does not need to be so traumatic and complicated, as the stillness is beyond that hurt. As many who have experienced Universal Medicine healing will testify, stillness is a wonderful place to return to and is always there when we are truly ready to return to union.
Rereading your blog again today Joel, I really loved how you say: “I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like. For the record, this is worth celebrating and appreciating.” – I so feel the same, and through your sharing I realised I can also work more on appreciating and celebrating when I truly feel a deeply loving choice I have made.
This says it all Joel…”connection actually precedes and determines the choices..” Awesome observation of control, thank you
Yes, when we accept our path back to God there are no more choices needed, just a series of further acceptances. Taking us deeper and deeper into Love.
Again and again I get caught out by my own controlling ways as I find myself acting out patterns of behaviour with out discerning first if these are anything close to love. It is a hard lesson to learn and perhaps one day I will live in full as the open and responsible person that I know I am inside.
You raise an interesting point here. The absolute importance of reading EVERYTHING first. Because even the most regular and mundane of situations can be a deeply rooted play-out of control. In fact, by not reading EVERYTHING before, we are imposing control, because we are limiting the truth.
The control holds in all different places in my body but especially in my right arm, it’s been a few days since I read this blog but I wanted to share that I feel a huge physical shift in my arm, I am literally letting go and this article and you Joel are a huge inspiration to me, thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.
Thanks sarahraynebaldwin for highlighting the fact that controlling behaviour can show up in the body and be felt physically. My area is the neck and shoulders and its a tension and hardness where I can go into a muscular brace when I’m trying to control. Its great to be aware of it as it is the start of me physically letting go.
Yes Debra, it is a very emotional and physical experience for me. It is very closely connected to trust a lack of trust in myself that then comes out to others. It also comes in my neck area, thanks for sharing.
Wow, Joel, this is a big blog. I experience control very much in my life. With food, planning things and dealing with all kinds of issues. It is not easy for me to let go and really trust in my connection to God and the divine plan. But I feel deep inside of me that this is the true and only way to go and the more I do it, the more I feel the surrender that this brings and my body loves that so much!
It frees me from deep inside…
“It frees me…” So true evamariafoertsch, letting go of control absolutely frees us up from the binding nature of it.
Yes it does… but just as long as it does not become a game of the spirit. Letting go of control can very easily lead to indulgence in distractions, food and all kinds of stuff. It`s very important to read ourselves constantly to be aware of that. My feeling is that sometimes we really need a little bit control to stop ourselves and feel.
For me the stopping and feeling part is about commitment to myself rather than control. Through our commitment to ourselves and our evolution there is no room for indulgence and if this does creep in for some reason, it is easily called out and a re-commitment made to ourselves (and humanity).
I love what you have written, it is so true! My tricky spirit often makes me think that this stopping and feeling is also only a form of control but now that this energy is finally called out, it will be much easier for me to really feel and know where I´m at when I have an issue with control. Thank you, robynjones11 🙂
Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility. Your words Joel are so spot on and true. When I go into any sort of control however subtle it may be, I can feel the tension within it and there is no room for allowing or acceptance, or room for more open opportunities. Using lack of self responsibility as part of that control, is like your basically being like the 3 monkeys, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil and literally pleading ignorance, the biggest form of control.
Control is so insidious, when I stop and feel the areas of my life where I still choose it I can see how it prevents me from truly being me with both myself and others and serves no one.
Lovely and empowering, thank you Jane! We can ask our body during our day to show us where control comes in, and it will show us loud and clear.
“The battle itself is just another layer of control.” This is a big aha moment for me. Each time I read your blog Joel, there is another level of understanding that I gain around control. The key is that if I am in my mind, I am trying to control and that the battle of the mind is a good indication that this is what I am stuck in.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”. Thank you for sharing these great insights Joel and providing a couple of signposts to call us all back.
I really appreciated these “signposts” that Joel has shared too Suzanne, to cut the analysing and fooling ourselves and simply connect to the fact that ‘…if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection.’.
I agree Joel, loving choices definitely have a different feel about them – it’s as if there is no big deal, it simply is, whereas when I choose something through willpower, apart from the fact that it probably won’t last, there’s a feeling of virtuousness and pride as in ‘didn’t I do well’ which doesn’t feel nice at all.
Oh Carmel I was falling for this virtuousness and pride thing. I was so identified with my willpower so that the willpower always won even if it was not a nice feeling at all. Now it is different I can choose now more and more of the loving choices and so feel the beauty and easiness which lays in them – wunderbar.
Awesome Joel. Letting go and surrendering to the control is the key to loving connection for life. Thank you.
Simple and beautiful Kelly – thank you.
‘Noticing the choices I make, both big and small, where I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.’ How often I complicate my life in trying to control it because it is a battle and I get lost in it. Thank you Joel for the reminder that I always have a choice to connect and thus get off the merry-go-round of control.
I love what is here presented. The moment I control, I can’t be connected to myself and how healing the opposite is, when I let go, when I trust, life is supporting me, everything is flowing.
Beautiful Alexander1207, this is a massive and pertinent topic for me…. control has been the safety zone, the life-jacket but inside it I have felt so constrained and restricted. Letting go and letting myself surrender hasn’t been easy, but the more I do let go, the more I feel the glory I’ve been resisting, a glory that I can hold myself in knowing this is where I come from, this is what will support me in life, and that all I need to do is let myself surrender to something that is way, way bigger than the perceived notion I created for myself of ‘little me’.
That is beautiful Katerina. I can very much relate to your words. I feel the restriction of the control I impose upon my life and how it keeps me from allowing the grace and flow of life. With the level of control imposed, there is not much room for anything else to come in, let alone divinity that I haven’t accounted for.
So lovely, Katerina. I love that you call out the fact that letting go of control and feeling the glory of you is so supportive. Using control (and I have been known to dabble in it, like, always) is so often because someone feels that there is no support. Yet, the truth is letting go of it and surrendering is far more supportive than any control one could muster.
I feel control also as a restriction – a closing down which comes from the feeling I need to protect myself. When I choose the opposite and open myself up, that feeling leaves, and yes, I am left open and at times very vulnerable, but I am beginning to feel the strength in this.
“control has been the safety zone, the life-jacket but inside it I have felt so constrained and restricted.” Great analogy Katerina, I have forced myself to wear this jacket despite my body’s complaints, and in the small windows that I allow myself to take it off I feel a return to a child-like playfulness, a surrender to the master plan.
I find this too Alexander, and I also find that at times I still have to work on trusting more to continuously be in that flow.
Me too.. I can go so easily into anxiety and then controlling everything with thoughts and preplanning… I always have to remember me, that I am held by heaven and that everything that is presented towards me, I am able to handle. No prethoughts necessary..
“The moment I control, I can’t be connected to myself…” Wow! What a revelation. Reading this has shifted something in me. Thank you.
Yes I agree Robynjones11 the connection is gone once the control seeps in…..
I agree Alexander, ‘when I let go, when I trust, life is supporting me, everything is flowing’, and when I’m controlling I can’t be connected.
With control we shut ourselves down from being connected to oursleves.
That is so beautiful alexander1207; how healing is it to let go of all the things we think we need to keep ‘under control’. Surrendering to knowing that life is supporting us, and everything is flowing.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Joel you have acquainted this beast well, observed how it travels and morphs and finally looked it in the eyes and firmly marked the entry points. Thank-you.
Your right Lucindag, Joel has called out and named what we have often sat with and preferred its company rather than seeing and feeling what our indecision was doing to us.
‘There is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is’ as opposed to wanting to control our choices. Thank you Joel.
I keep returning to your blog and especially the clarity of these statements ..’So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.’ It’s very exposing to feel how much I can drop my connection and return to control, but a great learning thank you.
Oh, oh! I just read the bit on control ‘So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of?’ This is brilliant, albeit, very exposing – I will commit to bringing a lot more awareness to this question.
Joel I love how you so clearly spell out the difference in choice ‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’ Even though I recognise that I subconsciously knew this, it makes it really sink in – consciously!. Thank you.
Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” This sentence defines control in such a clear way and has led me to ponder that I am trying to control life a lot of the time. When I am controlling there is a certain level of anxiousness and tension that I feel in my body. When there is a deep connection with me, an allowing and a trust, there isn’t the control and the feeling in my body is very different, a flow, a lightness and a sense of ease. This leads me to question – why do I keep choosing control?
I can relate to when you talk about “prolonging the misery” with the battle between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ choices and how a ‘good choice’ is still an illusion because it is still within the realm of control and doesn’t truly come from love.
Great recapitulation Gabriele. ‘a ‘good choice’ is still an illusion because it is still within the realm of control and doesn’t truly come from love.’ The truth of this blog and the comments are so valuable. Every single expression is indispensable.
So to follow on… I would say control comes as a result of not appreciating the choice before you think you had the choice! The choice to connect with you first. Shakespeare was pretty cool and pretty spot on…”to be or not to be” … No control in that, just connection.
That is a really interesting blog Joel, and one I will need to re-read after a few days of bringing it into my life. I think I am far more into control than I would like to admit. Therein lies the game, and a pretty nasty one at that. If you make it so that trusting that you will know what to do, what to eat, how to care for yourself and others from letting go of control and simply trusting what naturally comes from you, then where is the money making exercise? How can we be sold food or drink that harms our body? But make it so that you feel powerless to resist the urges that you need support to make these choices, that you are in fact inherently floored and prone to sin, then I can see a number or industries and organisations rising to remind us of that.
After reading this blog again it’s so clear how complicated we make life to be when really it is actually quite simple! As you say Joel the complication arises when we want to be distracted away from our responsibility to simply be. I can so relate to the concept of battle and sustained battle as this justifies being on the merry-go-round! Once we are entrenched it is hard to get out of unless you have the tools of meditation, yoga and so on. As you so aptly put it – control is just a form of delay from connecting deeply to one’s essence.
Good question ‘what are we in control of?’ or ‘what do we want to be in control of?’ that is what I am currently seeing how part of me wants to be ‘in control’ of things in my life but in truth I feel this is stopping me from letting go and evolving. It could be the fear of the unknown, what will happen if I let go of control but if I choose Love and go with that there will be no fear there anyway. Love always conquers all.
Joel once again you bring through such a relevant and interesting topic to discuss and for me personally this blog could not have come at a better time. I thank you deeply for what you have shared.
Thank you Joel for this interesting blog on control and our choices in how we live, a great reflection. The joy of simply being ourselves living lovingly and flowingly as opposed to trying to control everything is simply beautiful to feel and know. Letting go, trusting, allowing and appreciating is wonderful and a real gift to allow ourselves this in our life.
‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’
I knew this but somehow forgot – thank you for this reminder! How many battles do I have per day?
Thank you Joel for your inspirational blog because I am processing with this control thing as well. Therefore I love what you describe because it is the same I came to feel for myself as well. So this sentences nailed it for me: “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”
Wanting to control life, brings in so much complication and road blocks, not to mention, disharmony in our bodies. Better to just trust in the bodies wisdom, let go, and allow what is there to be known in any moment and move forth in that loving truth.
I needed to hear and feel this, this morning. Although I know this, sometimes it’s very easy to slip into the mentality of “easier said than done!”. So I re-read what you said and let my body feel it, immediately I felt the energy twisting and strangling my body disappear, in the knowing of what I have felt, not thought, before the loving truth. Thank you Julie.
I get caught up in the battle, especially in certain circumstances, coming back and reconnecting to myself, even if it means leaving the room gives my body a chance and myself a new starting point – from love again.
Ha ha elainearthy, I so get that, I am sure it wasn’t meant to be funny, but I often stop and redo something if I don’t like how it felt but I hadn’t considered leaving a room and offering myself the opportunity to see what it would feel like to bring a different perspective on a situation by changing the way my body feels. I can see myself walking in and out of places which made me giggle as I might be asked if I am ok?! However I know I can have a deeper connection with my body and myself after a walk and that is exactly what you are saying, if the walk changes how I feel then I had left myself. That is when I can have the battle that Joel mentions. If I stay with the connection, and make that my focus, then there is less battle, less need for control, more space.
Yes exactly. I often get up from meetings now, and sometimes several times within a meeting will walk round the table or go to stand, or even sit in another place until I feel to return. It feels very natural to do this now – and it’s amazing how the energy changes. Last week in an extremely difficult conversation between two people I left the room and went to the toilet and just deeply connected to myself and the joy of being me and when I returned the two people in question were talking congenially about matters that needed to be dealt with.
Great Blog once again Joel. In the past I had no idea that I was controlling, especially of myself. But by not allowing myself to truly shine and hiding my Light, was protecting myself from the hurts “out there” so I thought! I now take full responsibility for this and allowing me to be me in the fullness of time.
So well said Joel. I could really feel the prison we are in when we think we are in control and how much it restricts our lives. The battle and struggle that we think we are winning or overcoming is the illusion that keeps us held tightly in the grip of control. I will remember this, as soon as there is a struggle or a reason to justify, then there is a need for control and there is no longer any room for a loving choice to be made.
Yes, we use control to dodge, weave and manoeuvre our way through life in avoidance of our next point of responsibility and evolution.
This is so well written; only a student of themselves, who earnestly studies their every nook and cranny, can come close to knowing what is eloquently explained here. Well done Joel.
How much we all crave letting go of our controlling behaviours but somehow we all go back into them and get lead by them. I find that when I control things I am fearing something in someway and I use control to feel safe within what I am doing. A need for some level of safety in a deemed fearful situation. I have been noticing that when a hurt comes up or I am triggered, this is when I go into ‘control mode’ and it’s very difficult to come out of until I feel safe again.
Boah, Joel, reading your blog again, because I was drawn towards it lifted me up again… And I am sure I will read it again, because it has such deep layers..
Thanks Joel this made me look at all the areas in my life where I may have been controlling instead of realising that there is only one true loving way and accepting this.
There is no battle for me when I’m making a loving choice – it either is or it isn’t…it is very black and white – very absolute in the knowing with no internal dialogue or battle, the choice is easy. What your blog has reminded me Joel, is that when the ‘will I won’t I’ comes into it…I’ve lost my connection and it isn’t a true choice anyway, it is just me exercising control. Thank you for the wonderful reminder.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” So true Joel. Control uses our mind to determine what the best outcome for a situation would be and then we set about achieving this outcome. I used to be very controlling, however, have come to see how limiting this is. My mind cannot even conceive the grandness of what is possible if I accept and allow it to unfold. This is in no way a giving up laissez faire approach, but an allowing and acceptance of what the possibilities are, without the control.
Control of life is actually impossible but as Joel mentions, will only delay us in our reconnection to our true being, to our Soul. Our soul that provides us the connection to the grandness of our being, indeed a grandness that my mind is unable to conceive but my body knows of. Reconnecting to my body and listening to what it says is for me the way, as there is no battle, as the battle is only in the mind.
Brilliant and simple Joel – I love how you have nailed control fairly and squarely. Food is a great example to use…when we use control or ‘will power’ as it is often commonly referred to, it is all about resisting the temptation of eating a certain food (e.g. cakes, sweets, etc) and ‘being good’ by not having. This can go on for so long before inevitably crumbling and giving into the temptation. It’s a horrible cycle of resisting and giving in and doesn’t equate to making a loving choice which is why it is impossible to sustain because at some point the temptation will win us over.
Have to keep coming back to this Joel as it resonates so deeply with the way I have done life, arms length knowing exactly what’s coming and what isn’t – even when I absolutely don’t! This rigid way of battling through is so harming and prevents us from ever being seen and felt deeply in the world for who we naturally are.
I recognise the battle of control all too well and what I thought was a way of winning over a situation, I can now see as a punishment towards myself, as it’s my body that cops it – leaving me exhausted as a result. Ultimately it isn’t worth it, even if my mind tries to convince me otherwise.
It’s never worth the battle we revel in within, it’s just the best way to exhaust our selves which is the best way to not feel the humbleness required for true change.
How control can trap us in a merry go round. I love what you share Joel, when we make a loving choice it is simple, it just is, when we get into a battle of choice we have lost our connection and control has taken over. Also I love how you share “when food is a loving choice, I look at the food, I know I don’t feel great after eating it and I go “Why would I?”, this is great way to work on foods that don’t agree, something I am going to start to use, to eliminate foods that I know that are not making me feel great.
It’s really quite simple isn’t it Joel, to battle or not to battle ? If we stay connected and feel our bodies we get to feel what it is like without a battle. I love it when this happens.
I loved what you said: ’when there is a hint of battle-I have lost connection’, this is a great awareness for us all to keep us connected, thank you Joel.
Totally inspirational and revealing piece Joel, brought light to the way I live my life in control and discipline rather than loving choices. Sooner or later (generally sooner!) I slip up, as I cannot maintain the discipline as it’s an outer imposed ideal I am trying to live up to.
Brilliant blog Joel, this is absolutely amazing and simply WOW! I love what you’ve shared, it really exposes how controlled I have been living. Suffocating myself with control and feeding off the misery of it. It is so true, when we are making a loving choice there is not internal battle, it just is. The part about food I can so relate, this internal battle where my mind builds up an illusion of how amazing something is going to taste, knowing full well that it isn’t going to be a loving choice. If I am already making loving choices prior to the next choice, these internal battles simply can’t exist or appear in any shape or form. Thank you for this awesome reminder to choose to connect to myself consistently and implementing ways to stay connected by practicing conscious presence, Esoteric Yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation. Great timing, as I have been recently drawn to start prioritising what I can do to support me to connect deeper with myself.
Reading this blog again and I am reminded tonight that an attempt to control and or the ability to control is merely a range of actions/intentions that appear to ascertain control as an individual act. Stroking the need for identification as an individual is one of the key indicators of one’s will toward the denser energy of creation – an insipid shadow of what surrendering our will to Co-creation and the confirmation of Brotherhood delivers through us.
Reflecting on your blog Joel, I realise the importance of first having that relationship with self, a relationship of appreciation and acceptance. If we always do criticism and judgement / being hard on oneself, this in fact just another form of control over ourselves so that we don’t open to accepting the connection to a greater love. So the illusion of trying to control outer circumstances to make life ‘good’ is then just a distraction to not have to look at the one simple choice that is always there to be made.
Annie it is a great point what you make here, “if we always do criticism, judgement and being hard on oneself”, this is sure another firm of control. Control creeps in everywhere and it really is so important for appreciation and acceptance of self to then make loving choices and not get caught in controlling choices.
Love how and what you have shared here Annie, I am also starting to realise that appreciation and acceptance are the key things to get back to when we are off track.
I love your description here Joel, “if there’s a hint of a battle, I have dropped my connection, if there’s a sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”. Great points to remember.
Simply brilliant! I love it too. I am going to print it out and stick on my wall.
Joel, what a blog, I too have prided myself on that disclipine I can apply to not eating something or not doing something, indeed I’ve heavily identified with that pride but as you call out here, that’s control, and there’s a self-satisfaction that comes with it. It’s great to see this so clearly, and to know and mark it. For a loving choice just is, there isn’t even a question and there’s no need to go into it afterwards either, it’s like breathing, natural and normal. This is so supportive to see and will allow me to more clearly know when control is playing out, thank you.
Awesome Monica, very honest and inspiring. I have done this too. This is such a powerful blog, inspiring us to really dig deep and look at what we are choosing and how control is played out.
Beautifully said Monica. Reading this blog and the comments on it make me more and more understand what the control is in the discipline of making a loving choice against a unloving choice.
‘there’s no need to go into afterwards either’ Ouch this is something I recognize monicag2 and great to expose how control is keeping us busy with nothing really.
Well said Annelies, busy with nothing, that sums it up so well. It’s almost funny but it’s not as we lose ourselves with control and we and the world lose the joy of what we bring.
Monica relating a loving choice with breathing, makes this so very real. A loving choice feels so effortless and natural and as soon as the control comes in, in too comes the difficulty, struggle and fight, and for what – to be identified in the struggle and ultimately to exercise our choice to be irresponsible.
This is also a very big point for me… By reading about the pride and self-satisfaction I discovered a big lie that I am often living. But for example with food, I already tried sometimes to let go of control and what happens then is that I eat too much and have sugar which is both not loving. Perhaps then it would be just important to look at why I am not loving. I realize in this moment that I seem to love my body much less than I thought, because if I really would love it, my food intake would not get out of control when I let go. Something to deeply ponder on…
Eva Maria, I love your questions and your honesty, how well do we truly love our bodies when we over-eat? If we say we love them but don’t follow through we tell ourselves and others lies. Something for me to consider and look at also – thank you.
The problem is that we often don`t even realize that we are telling lies because our mind overrides the voice of our body so constantly. For example I often still (seem to) feel hungry although I actually know that I have already eaten enough. The thought “But I am still hungry” then makes me eat more. But it`s a lie. The hungry-feeling is just a drive of our spirit and the reward system of the body which is out of control in those moments. Another good excuse for overeating is “I don`t want to do things with control” combined with not listening to the body.
The discipline we apply to our choices can often be a battle, unless we are good with discipline. But loving choices become easier as we build love in our bodies.
I love your understanding of the difference between loving and controlling choices, Joel. it makes perfect sense to me. Controlling choices require will power, is a decision that can come and go, and will change with thoughts, loving is a way of being. This is a profound reminder for me, ” if there’s a hint of a battle, I have dropped my connection, if there’s a sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”. That feels a brilliant explanation.
‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance.’ Such a great point Joel. Striving to be in control is exhausting and then comes the disappointment when things don’t work out as they ‘should.’ Letting go of control is something I am still working on, but when I do, life flows and is much more simple.
Hi Joel, I came back to read the blog today because it was so worth re-reading about the difference between loving choices and choices made in control. Before reading the blog I’m not sure I had consciously made that observation but I understood it and something clicked into place, love is and there really is no choice I can feel the truth in this whereas with control there is the long conversation in my head the inner battle of should and should not. Thank you.
Interesting these battles we go into. A great distraction from our natural way of being. It is time we start observing the strange construct of our way of living today and claim our grandness and the love that we are. Our lives and the world as it is today would change in a heartbeat. Thank Joel for another great blog.
Joel your blogs are always so insightful and you don’t shy away from calling out what is not truly loving. Control is an issue that most, if not all, people have experienced in their lives, and it can be immensely subtle and almost undetectable, unless.. you are prepared to be absolutely honest about what is going on in your life in every moment and the daily choices you are faced with. You are also absolutely right, being loving is not a choice but a way of life, and the more we are able to live this the less likely we are to get caught up in needing to exercise control.
When I am seeking to control my life I know I’m seeking to avoid being responsible and being shown the lessons I am trying to skip!
So true Karin, there is always a learning I am trying to avoid when I let the control dynamic come into play.
Control is simply the antithesis of acceptance. If we cannot accept what we are seeing in life, then it stands to reason that we will try to develop a way of controlling life. But the control is in fact nothing more than a deep seated form of protection to ensure that we do not get hurt by life. We learn quickly that if we make mistakes we get hurt. We learn quickly that if we remain open we get hurt. So, we very quickly develops ways of behaviour that allow us to control our relationships, control life so we don’t make mistakes. The problem with this way of being is that it keeps us in the rigidity of the controlled environment we have created, and this becomes our only reality. And yes, it protects us (to a point) from getting hurt, but it also reduces our capacity to feel the absolute wonder of life that also exists outside our bubble or reality. And the irony is that because it is impossible to control life in full, eventually we get hurt anyway. But when we do end up getting hurt, it is all the more worse, because in our desperation to control life, we have disconnected our awareness of our own divinity, and so we have no foundation to fall back on when life truly does hurt us again, other than to resort to embedding and improving the control mechanisms that failed us last time.
So true Adam, what you expressed about being in the rigidity of the controlled environment we have created really exposes exactly what is going on in our lives when we choose protection/control over love and openness. I agree also that control is the antithesis of acceptance, and once acceptance is truly integrated into our lives on every level, including acceptance of ourselves, the need to control our lives starts to ebb considerably.
Great point Adam and it also hurts because as much as we try to put the blame on others for our hurt there is a knowing deep inside that we have some responsibility for not accepting all life has to offer and that the control put us directly in the firing line to bring towards us the thing we tried most hard to protect ourselves from.
Very true. What is most interesting is that our wall of protection does not in fact work at all, but only serves to ensure that our whole reality is based around that which we felt hurt us. All the rest of life is blocked out, including that part of life that has the capacity to heal that which is hurting – the realisation of our own divine worth.
So beautifully said and observed Adam, our lives become these constructed realities all serving the purpose to provide protection from being hurt and rejected. Indeed we create a much smaller created reality which is minute in comparison to the universe of co-creation with the all.
”My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have” – Joel, this says it all. Once this is embodied and lived in every moment, all else follows naturally so. Our responsibility is to choose the level of connection that serves us and all others equally so!
Hear hear Anne, I agree “Our responsibility is to choose the level of connection that serves us and all others equally so!” Let’s make it about the whole again, I am certain we will then very naturally make loving choices.
When we seek to control that which is around us are we actually avoiding recognising that there is in fact only one war? And that the battle is over in an instant depending how we exercise the free-will as to which of 2 forms of energy we align to?
Well said Helen. Trying to control things outside of ourselves is definitely just a way of avoiding dealing with the things going on for us… I love to make a habit of getting involved in other people’s issues and dramas, when really I should be spending all that time working on looking after myself so that I can be in a state to support humanity when needed.
Well said Susie. Seeking to control things is just burying the issues that we have at large and not dealing with them.
That is a great point Susie, to bring our focus back to ourselves and the quality of our state of being is super important and as you say leaves us in a position to support humanity where ever needed. You won’t be affected with what is going on as you have built a steady relationship with yourself. This is really important.
There is such a false sense of self worth in solving other people’s issues and even more so as we are then hooked in with the praise for doing so! And as you say Susie it is just a way to avoid dealing with ourselves -controlling a situation rather than allowing a natural unfolding.
So true Helen. Not only do we not have to recognise that the only battle is within us based on which energy we choose, but we can also avoid taking responsibility for those choices when we use control.
This is so important Joel, the thing that supported true change in my life – ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.’
This approach feels very supportive. Instead of tackling the control head on and ending up judging myself, I can bring focus to those techniques that support me. When there is presence with myself and my body, there is a solid trust and confidence in myself, so there is no need to control.
Yes, it is great to expand this point Jenny and Fiona, it is the lack of trust in ourselves that feeds the need for control. If we remain on the surface level and keep trying to control we are not looking at why the need for control is there in the first place. It is like treating the cold without asking how I got the cold.
Again this reminds me that it is my level of connection that supports loving choices and an allowing rather than trying to apply my will and control a situation.
This sentence of your Joel is pure gold and really gives us a marker on how to recognize when we are trying to control what is happening” “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”. I am taking heed of your wise words.
Thank you Elizabeth to comment on this line. I could feel myself making a different choice after reading your appreciation and insight. I often choose to not connect with me and then go into arrogance or ignorance. There’s usually stubborness included where I than go into the modus of having to find the answer and / or solution, rather then just acknowledging that I’ve chosen to disconnect. How Truly simple it is… Can’t be enough reminded and practised!
I agree Floris, keeping it that simple is huge on many levels and takes out any form of self bashing or strive to be perfect. The simple fact that it is a choice to come back and reconnect is really a simple task and as you say cant be reminded and practiced enough.
I am realising I have gritted my teeth and battled on through many situations. I always felt that things were out of control at these times… I didn’t realise that being out of control is a sign of being very controlling until now.
I know there are things in my life that I can control to ensure that I practice self care and love, and keep in my rhythms. Anything outside of that becomes a battle, a habit I can struggle to keep hold of to stay in a comfort zone I no longer need. Joel’s words are wise indeed.
I agree Elizabeth – a hint is all that we need to become aware of – refining as we go.
This sentence was also a revelation for me! Feeling that I am not love as soon as I experience an inner battle first made me quite sad because I notice battles every day, but this deeper knowing about control really helps me to look at my choices in a much more understanding and wise way and I can already feel that it will help me with many choices. Thank you, Joel.
So true Elizabeth and Joel, “If there is a hint of battle I have dropped my connection”. There is some comfort not wanting to be exposed.
I can feel how there can be a build up to an issue when control is running the show – the ‘elastic band around the waist’ is stretching during this time. It can be instantaneous or gradual. My mind is busy calculating and I am in protection of my beliefs, ideals and arrogance. When I connect with the truth of me, my essence, the band is cut, there is no ‘snapping’ and I am free to claim my truth. That freedom is pure and I can walk forward without any encumbrance. Control is defeated and withdraws – it is physically like the energy of control also knows full well the truth and quality of connection and it retreats.
So true bernadetteglass. Knowing the truth of the situation and allowing and accepting the situation means that there is no rubber band to snap us back.
I agree Bernadette and Lee. What Joel has written about when there is an ‘Inner Battle’, is a clear indicator that there is something else going on and the time has come to take a breath, to sit and ponder.
Indeed Lee no need for a rubber band just expansion in the allowing and acceptance of what is in that moment.
I suppose you could say, control comes from the mind and truth comes from the body. How often do we choose to ignore the body and let the mind run the show because we are afraid if we loose control then things don’t go according to ‘our plan’. The reality is we are never in control and it is a waste of time and energy to keep ‘trying’ instead of just letting go, connecting to our body and allow life to flow.
This is the third time I’ve returned to read this blog Joel. Every time it helps me further unwind this control dial that has been running my life. To see so clearly how the so-called safety control offers, is actually a prison and a trap, and that the battle of ‘what to do do’ is also part of that, woweee. I feel so free and it’s becoming much easier to simply be me. Thank you.
Control is a massive subject for me. But lately we have been able to laugh about it in our house, not treating it like a secret any more and just letting it out to be looked at, but the key as I am discovering, is to not judge myself or anyone else for wanting or needing control, rather instead to understand how this is often a way to feel secure from experiencing a hurt that has yet to be let go.
This is a great blog. Battles inside oneself could be very entertaining, and very passionate. You can pride yourself on winning the battles. And you can even label the battles. Yet, the moment you go into battle you are already gone. There is no loving connection anymore. As you say, battles are a tool to prolong our own misery.
Control is such a huge topic – one I am sure we can all contribute to and can all relate to. As I am sure we all control in our own ways, sometimes without us even knowing when we are doing it. We can use it to manipulate, not feel our hurts, impose on another. It is up to us all to get to know ourselves intimately, build awareness of our own behaviours, so to know when to make other choices.
” I am prolonging my own misery” how awesome is this to realise. I listened to an amazing and powerful audio the other day about the very same thing – how the choices we make, then make the life we live in, there is no one else to blame. http://www.unimedliving.com/voice/audio-of-the-month/the-deepest-form-of-prison-2015-09.html
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” So true, so simple and no arguing with this.
So the next step would be knowing as soon as there is an inner battle to stop, as it’s not love.
” I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.” – this one line has shifted the world. It makes me think of people on diets or exercise routines, where there is generally no true self love, but more choices from our head and control of I must do or should do this or that, then beating oneself up for not being good enough when the diet or whatever breaks, and the cycle continues again. What would the difference be if we made choices from love and our body?
Yes Gyl we have been sold such a lot of ‘controlling techniques’ that set us up to fail and then we fall for yet another ‘fix’ which doesn’t deliver true change. We are left to feel hopeless and defeated and when we fail we bolster ourselves up to gain control in our lives again. Control is a vicious cycle that has no connection to evolution and to true change.
Joel I came back to read your blog as its very apt for me recently. Having many things going on around and outside of me that I have no control over yet would keep trying to control in wanting them to complete and go my way. When I do this my whole body gets tense, I keep reminding myself that I can’t try to change it simply that what matters most is my connection – something this blog has reminded me about. With that I feel there is less of a need for a certain outcome in the first place.
Joel you have done it again! This blog delivered the goods. How many times do I go into a futile battle with myself when there is no battle necessary, as you said ‘truth just is’. You can’t argue with that, no battle required, end of.
I agree kevmchardy, this blog is a gem. I’ve come back to it again today to enjoy the words of wisdom from Joel, and as I read it I can feel a subtle shift in me – away from the battle field hopefully!
Re-reading your blog today again Joel, what stood out for me this time was: “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” This is so true, it’s all about connection to the way we live our lives, and I ask myself why on earth we would control to delay this connection when it is blatantly obvious what improved quality of life we can have when we truly connect to the way we live in any given moment and allow appropriate changes to be made where necessary? As you quite rightly conclude, – “it is not love of any kind.”
Joel this blog is absolutely spot on and I just love and relate to every part of it. Very clearly stated , your description of how we control the way we are in this life and feel constrained by this which is caused by a lack of Love. Thank you Joel.
This is a brilliant explanation of what control truly is and when loving choices are made no control is needed. I’ve discovered I no longer ‘need’ sugar – something I’ve been unable to refrain from eating in fair quantities and suddenly it’s not an issue anymore I simply do not need it. No control required, simple really.
Yes it’s beautifully simple indeed Judy, I had the same experience around coffee – a loving and deeply connecting choice was made and the coffee just dropped from one second to the next, and was never an issue again.
That’s the result of self loving actions that support us and the unloving choices just begin to disappear… like sugar with no control or trying needed. So confirming when that happens.
We can really barricade ourselves into a corner with control if we live with hurts and unresolved life events.
Such a great topic and so clearly explored, love it Joel as all of your writings, full of true wisdom. Control is the battle between “yes” and “no” in a body that does not have love at its foundation. As you say “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” With love as our foundation there is no battle, there is only a clear “yes” to the love we are. It is beautiful to live more and more in a way were there is only one choice, consistently: love.
I love the way you write Joel, and today especially appreciated the reminder to appreciate and celebrate ourselves at different milestones on our self-love journey! Thank you.
I so love what you have shared here Joel. You have just articulated beautifully a game one can play with ourselves over and over. It is our own level of awareness and willingness to go to the next level of responsibility as to whether we challenge and make more living choices ‘or’ continue in the control game. I loved the line ‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection’, so simple. It’s a choice.
I am learning how I can be aware of the different choices available – say to be in a controlling battle or not – and I can actually consciously make that choice. But also that one does not necessarily lead in to the other, and sometimes I can stop at the awareness without taking the next step.
Control can be there in the most hidden guises. What I am aware of is that it does not allow me to surrender and allow life to simply flow from my connection. It often feels small, self absorbed and about playing safe. The ease I feel when I let go of control is immense and life opens up to possibilities that the control would never allow.
I have been feeling how ingrained it is for us men the need to control and it is no surprise as we have grown up identified with ideals and beliefs and how to best survive in the world and hardly ever were we raised confirming and appreciating what we had and the beauty and love that we were as children , so there would not be the need of control in us as we would have a true foundation within ourselves to support us in our everyday living.
What a revelation Joel. You have exposed a mind trick that I play on myself; it keeps me in my mind over the love of my heart. Choosing from my mind is always trying to control things; connecting to the stillness of my breath I make choices with love.
This is a brilliant blog Joel. I have found that it is absolutely true that, as you say, “my level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. I did not really understand what connection meant until it was presented to me by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Once I felt it, and developed it to a level where the the inner battles ceased and I knew the inner peace and clarity that comes in this state I wanted it as my chosen way of being. In presence I have never felt more me, expressed more naturally, been so clear and ‘unconfused’, understanding of myself and others, compassionate, loving and decisive.
It is a divine state of being that is available to all equally and I am so grateful to Serge Benhayon for modelling presence to me and delivering these wonderfully simple and powerfully effective tools for us all to reconnect to presence, to ourselves. So I too choose these tools that help me reduce the inner battles and control, “things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation” and I thank God for them for the difference between ‘control’ and loving presence is as vast as the universe.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection….” so powerful ,Joel. So whenever I am in inner turmoil abut something I am wanting control and have dropped my connection to me. I can really feel this and this will be so helpful for me to ponder on each day, each moment…… Thank You.
Joel, it sure is a ‘merry-go-round of control’ and it is miserable to be caught in it. I used to think that my way was the only way to do something and it wasn’t until I started doing group work with Universal Medicine that I discovered that we often view things from different angles but no one way is right or wrong and when we work together we can all contribute to bring in a 360 degree panorama which is far more intelligent than the ‘frontal’ view we are so used to on the screens.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” This part stood out for me Joel, great awareness – thank you. In the past I have felt that self responsibility is an arduous task but the more I allow myself to be connected when I make choices the more I get to feel that self responsibility is the most natural way to live.
Control can be challenging to let go of, when you are being controlling haha..
When I am trying to control a situation, I am trying to make it the best scenario possible – but the point is, is it the best scenario for ME. Reading this blog I understand how control is “the antithesis of self-responsibility”, because by controlling others you are judging them, saying that their decisions aren’t good enough because they don’t suit you. Not taking any responsibility for what choices I may have made to get to that point in time.
Oh my goodness I love this line “The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind” so true I do the same at times, not to feel like I am working hard, but to create complication / drama and stay away from the absolute joy of simplicity, the truth and being in my body.
Which makes me ask the question if we love simplicity why would we then create so many distractions and disturbances to take us away from that? Could it be to stop us feeling the truth of who we are and also the unloving choices we have made/make – but also everything we don’t want to feel going on around us and the mess the world is in?
or is it just a way to avoid responsibility?
Not living the love we are is a loss of control. It is as if we hand the reigns over to another and say; “Here, you do it”. When we stay with love, we stay connected to the all and so there is no want, nor need to be ‘in control’ because we have something far greater – the ability to be in harmony with everything.
True ‘control’ comes with accepting the fact that we are never in control, but we can choose which force will be – is it love or is it not? Choose love, and you are in control by virtue of the fact that you don’t need to be. Choose everything but love and you will hunger for the control you have relinquished and thus the battle will commence.
I love how once again, Liane you have brought forth the truth which is the opposite of what it seems. If we think we are in control we are actually being controlled by a force that is not love. As you say below: ‘Not living the love we are is a loss of control.’ True ‘control’ is to be master of your ship without the need for control.
I love that Sandra; “‘True control’ is to be master of your ship without the need for control” For once the connection to love (God) is made; the course is set and needs only our hands on the wheel to make it so.
So true Liane, choosing anything but love only brings all the ideals and beliefs and therefore complications into life, If I choose love everything is straight forward and simple so there is absolutely no need to control anything as love speaks for itself.
‘Choose love, and you are in control by virtue of the fact that you don’t need to be.’ Not needing to be in control is what true control is. This is quite a revelation, and I can feel with letting go of that need, I will be less exhausted and more open to what needs to happen in any given situation, rather than working my butt off trying to make it turn out my way.
Joel, this explained so much to me. I have been frustrated by how I am now struggling with choices that I used to find easy. I have been stuck in the battle. However much I knew that I was not supporting me to be making other choices, I just didn’t seem able to make better ones. Recently this has begun to shift a little, and your blog confirms to me that my focus is best placed not on the things that I want to change, but on bringing as much love as I can to all the small things in my day, in fact, to bring focus and tenderness whenever I can during my day. It is this that builds the connection which enables supportive choices to simply flow, and not be a control driven battle.
Love it Catherine, thanks for simplifying it further!
The battle for control would put so much stress on our bodies. Wouldn’t it be easier to just surrender and go with the loving choices. At times it seems a hard thing to do. It doesn’t make sense to be in resistance to love. Thank you Joel.
I have found whenever I choose control there is much tension in my body and this feels awful.
True Bianca, ‘Making controlling choices’ doesn’t work for anyone no matter how efficient we are because there is no love in it and it ends up bringing more disharmony into the office, family, playground etc. For me, it comes from a fear of letting go and allowing what is needed to happen. We only think we are in control.
I can relate to that too Bianca, and it feels really tense and awful – a great reminder from the body to drop it …
I feel there is a great difference between “control” and “taking charge” or “mastering.” They are often confused. Control seems to be about controlling from anything but the inner heart, and makes us try and control everything outside us as well as inside, whereas mastering is all about knowing oneself to the deep core and being able to make a choice of our responses to life and how we live in it.
That is a very great clarification joanchristinecalder; ‘mastering’ versus ‘control’. One comes from love and the other, does not. I was only just thinking this morning how the word ‘master’ has become so corrupted… instead of describing the process of unfolding back to the love that we are – the true mastering process – it has come to denote dominion and control. Funny that…
Thank you joanchristinecalder; I needed this clarification to fully understand Joel’s blog as I was confusing “control” with “taking charge”.
We can control something or everything in order to not feel. Being free of this burden of being in control simply allows the gates to open and lets the love out and people in.
‘Being free of this burden of being in control simply allows the gates to open and lets the love out and people in.’ This feels so expansive Matthew and in our choice to connect we can escape the prison of control.
It’s so interesting that when we go deeper, The way that worked for us before, no longer serves or is appropriate now. There is no battle when there is love and your point about realising that there is disconnection if there is a battle is an absolute eye opener. Thank you Joel.
Joel this is a fabulous blog that brings a particular detail and exposure to what control actually is. I love how you have shared the simplicity of the preceding choices to remain present. This foundation is actually what did or did not allow the battle to be there in the first place. Ripper sharing- thank you.
What a great subject to write about Joel and as you know I love anything you write as it makes so much sense. I love your example about food.
Talking about food and my relationship, I feel to share that recently I started eating foods that were totally “out of character”. The tension which you call “battle” was there but with a strong mind I was controlling something but not sure what. On a long car journey a friend allowed me the space to answer her question – was I eating these foods to bury a deep hurt? Well without any warning, I felt an impulse to pull over and stop and had a deep cry and nominated all the things that hurt me deeply and were so buried.
What is amazing is that I have completely turned around my relationship with food since then and realised that we can use food to control something deeply buried inside us that is wanting to come up.
Like you Joel I am forever inspired by the life and work of Serge Benhayon.
I can relate to this Bina, food is a big one for me, trying to fool myself wanting to eat something for the taste or let’s call it “comfort”, when in fact, it is simply me feeling a tension within, a discomfort, something I don’t want to feel anymore, then food becomes an escape, a numbing.
Food being an escape is such a big thing, my own experience is that when I feel something that is deeply hurtful then food is such an easy instant way to control the situation and numb the pain, get rid of the rawness. Yet, it only buries the pain temporarily and it is clearly worth feeling it rather than subverting it as the next time it comes up it is even bigger.
From reading this blog I am only starting to get an inkling of how much we can be controlling without even realising it. It is a tricky energy that keeps us from being the love that we really are. I can certainly put my hand up to letting control lead the way. Thanks Joel for exposing control to this level and degree. There is much to ponder on here.
Thank you for high lighting the control as giving you the feeling of having an inner battle, which makes sense. My way of dealing with an issue was to go into ‘battle it through’ mode – there was never a stop to feel what to do but always a reaction and attack.
Conscious presence, being gentle with myself and the gentle breath meditation have helped me beyond words, and still do on a daily basis.
I second that. These are great supports and I too use these tools to feel the true me and then go forward from that connection.
Julie I know what you mean, I too would never stop, it was always going into reaction to try and resolve the issue, I always had to be in control. If I was unable to resolve it, I felt like a failure it was very exhausting on my body. This has been changing as I have been working on myself and my conscious presence. I now allow myself to feel the issue and deal with it differently, rather than the old control way.
Who really wants to live feeling your insides locked in a battle your whole life? A great blog Joel, because anyone who has read this now has an added awareness of what it means to want to control and with awareness comes the opportunity to choose otherwise.
Joel thank for sharing, I can relate to your blog, I have a battle with control and find my self hardening due to this control. But what you shared is great “SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.” So being aware of our connection and if battle comes in, connection has dropped.
Yep – so agree “And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” I have found myself often fighting this battle and often losing too. In total contrast is the loving choice, coming from an inner knowingness instead of the head. and then it is as if there really was nothing to choose as the choice becomes a ‘just is’ moment.
Your blog so clearly shows that when we choose to be controlling in a situation we are also closing down the possibility of seeing the grandness of the moment. “It is antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of responsibility.” In those times it seems that I fail to feel the inherent opportunity offered for me to expand my understanding, deepen my connection to my Soul and evolve, which would also confirm to others that this is possible for them. So everyone ends up missing out!
This is so true Golnaz.
Yes Golnaz I know from my own lifetime of controlling ways that this way of being offers as much freedom as a prison cell.
Very true Golnaz and a lovely reminder that when we chose to be controlling we close down the possibility of seeing the grandness of the moment.
Yes Golnaz, and it’s a lovely reminder that when we choose not to be controlling we then open to the grandness of the moment. I know what I choose when presented this way.
“when we choose to be controlling in a situation we are also closing down the possibility of seeing the grandness of the moment.” I love that ‘grandness of the moment’ for each moment holds such potential, and we are holding that too. Beautifully expressed Golnaz.
‘The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.’ This is so true, it is like we make our own prison and isolate ourselves and starve ourselves of the love that in truth is there all the time.
Elaine the line you’ve referenced is very apt for the way that most diets, health, education systems, work, relationships operate under. There is more often than not an inner battle between either right v wrong or what we know is true and what we end up doing. All of this fight seems to go on everyday within our own body.
And when in the mind all the remaining choices are very limited with no true freedom. I feel free and connected to my body and divine wisdom when I remain with my heart.
This is such a great point and insight from Joel. The mind can take control and have its way with us all the while leaving our connection to our Soul behind where love and truth prevail. What I have come to notice is the more I become aware of my thoughts the more I realise how much I was letting them rule me. Even down to a very subtle drop like a tap that doesn’t stop from leaking – all is seeded from the Control that Joel has exposed. Letting go to be who we are and there is no need for any control what so ever.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection:” I am taking this into my day today, thank you Joel.
I love how you clarified Berndadette – a hint of a battle = dropping connection. Thank you for that, very helpful.
‘The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.’ I can feel how I have used control in this way and how much I have hardened my body to do this, which is a giveaway to what is really going on underneath.
I am also forever inspired by the life and work of Serge Benhayon Joel and thank you for bringing a little snippet of it here in this great blog. I relate to the ‘battle’ of control, and can feel its destructiveness.
Me too. How could one not be forever inspired by Serge Benhayon. He is a walking, breathing living inspiration in all he does, presents and lives.
Agree johannao8smith, I had never met a complementary health practitioner who actually lives what they speak to this degree before I met Serge Benhayon. I am forever inspired by his understanding of life, people, love, the world, relationships, our body, our relationship with ourselves, the universe, you name it. The wisdom that Serge Benhayon lives and breathes is exponential. He inspires me no end.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection:” This is such a valuable insight and understanding, Joel, and so simple too. It is so obvious when we realise that “the battle of wills” inside us has nothing to do with love. When love is present the choice is easy, it does not have to be thought or considered, it arises from the heart and becomes formed in the mind. The moments when this happens are gold, and become more frequent as I continue to be inspired by Serge Benhayon.
That stood out for me too Joan, I remember hearing someone say that if they had gone off on one, all that had happened was they had disconnected from themselves, no big deal, no need to berate and work out why, no deep and meaningfuls just re connect! So simple.
That’s a good way to look at it Vanessa, we can all go off on one, from time to time, all of us make mistakes, but it is how willing we are to let that go, learn and as you say reconnect. Life can and should always be simple.
I love this Vanessa. It takes the push and strain out of working out why you got there in the first place. Simply re connect to our marvellous selves. Beautiful reminder thank you.
So simple Vanessa…no story needed, just an ‘oops’ and reconnect to ourselves.
“When love is present the choice is easy, it does not have to be thought or considered…”, this feels so true to me, our bodies know in an instant what to do so thought does not even come into it. I know that from my experience if I ‘think’ about something too much it just means I am avoiding the truth and not really listening to what my body is telling me.
Sandrahenden that’s a great explanation about truth, ‘when love is present the choice is easy, it does not have to be thought’. I could really relate to that ‘thinking jumble’ that I can get caught up in and as you so rightly say it’s a sign that I am avoiding the truth. I feel that you have helped me to flag this for next time. Thank you.
Absolutely Sandra, and it’s an absolute giveaway now that when I’ve disconnected, I go into my head and ‘try’ and work it out…of course, it never works. I always know, and anything less now is big neon lights sign that I’ve disconnected.
I so loved that line too joanchristinecalder and Joel, as it expresses so clearly that we are not with ourselves when we go into battle. A truly insightful blog that takes our understanding of ourselves and control to a whole new level. Choosing to come back to ourselves is such a simple way to be present and not go into the fight.
This is very true, I know I have lost my connection when I am in indecision or going back and forth analysing options. The choice is no longer coming from that place of knowing my inner heart.
Exactly Jenny, it is a marker for me that I have not connected to the truth of what is at play. I am beginning to appreciate and claim my truth more and more which makes control, a non issue.
I agree. It is a very valuable insight and an immediate exposure of where we actually are at at given moment or in any given situation. It is as Simple as being in connection or not. And then supporting ourselves to remain connected as part of our daily rhythm.
Absolutely, it takes me a while to realize that there is no real battle of choices when there is only one way to live- love!
Yes,
Control = disconnection – the choice has been made to be in disconnection with ourselves
Connection = freedom – the freedom to choose in every moment whether we want to remain connected, or not
Beautifully simple Kylie, something to remember each moment of each day, a very significant marker to support our growing connection with ourselves, and living it.
I’ve been pondering on the whole control scenario over the past few days and have come to the realisation that control goes hand in hand with 2 other ‘C’ words – comfort and calculate. When I like to believe myself to be in control, or even trying to gain control, I am always all about making something comfortable for me (even if I tell myself its about the comfort of others) and am constantly calculating what I need to do in order to maintain it and thus avoid the underlying discomfort that is waiting to be addressed … exhausting. And it never truly works.
That is true, Helen. For me also the word with ‘h’ comes in – hurt. If I have made a certain experience, which led to emotional hurts, it is normal that one tries to protect oneself from ever being hurt again, so we start to control. The deeper the hurts, the bigger the control. But at the end this kind of life does to make us happy. The only way is to look at the hurt, consider where it has come form and what part I played in it. Once sorted this out, there is no need to control as, we naturally know and make choices then that won’t hurt us.
This is very eye opening Helen, comfort and calculate are huge factors that are forever in the mists of how we could be in life, much like what it is when we look outside ourselves and copy others and their actions. However this form of control is far from the true reality of what life is actually about.
Helen you have nailed it for me. I have been deeply caught in control in some aspects of my life and I knew there was a huge level of calculation involved in to trying to control a situation. But the comfort part had so far alluded me, and you are so spot on. This brings a greater level of honesty to the picture. Thank you.
Comfort and calculate, the two ‘C’ words, that go hand in hand with control. While reading your comment I could feel how control is indeed calculated to not rock the boat, and keep everything in comfort, as you say totally exhausting, because once started the control must be maintained, for fear the underlying discomfort may bubble to the surface. Thank you Helen, you have given me much to ponder.
Spot on Helen, thank you. I had to read your comment twice to really let it sink in how much control I exercise in my day to protect my deeply invested in comforts. It is well disguised under ‘doing my best’ and ‘working hard’ but it is very calculated and measured into how far will I allow myself to surrender.
Ha! Spot on for me Helen. I know my controlling ways are always about making something comfortable for me – and can I add another word, the doesn’t start with C? Manipulation! Where there is control, you can bet your life manipulation of the situation is also at play.
The ‘C’ trifecta exposed. Great call out – we control to stay comfortable.
Helen I love what you have clarified and I really concur with the last line ‘it never really works’ which is so true because even when I have managed to control a situation to avoid feeling compromised in some way it’s not a deep feeling of ease, it’s a slightly uneasy feeling, knowing that I have not actually addressed the underlying situation, merely mico managed it temporarily.
This is a great blog Joel, entirely appropriate for me to read right now as recently it became very clear to me the places I still try and control my life. “Allowing and accepting”, a simple antidote and very wise words to put up on my bathroom mirror to remind me every morning. Thanks.
Ultimately we need to care about ourselves enough to make loving choices. If we don’t care the loving choices simply won’t be made.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” I have never seen control in this light before, but as someone who has needed to be in control or to control it’s a revelation to know the antidote is allowing and accepting… which makes complete sense. Thanks for sharing Joel… this is a pearl.
I keep coming back to this article. I’ve never actually wanted to admit that I actually ‘love’ control. I use it as the perfect tool to not have to feel the world and everything in it. It’s a perfect way of not having to take responsibility. Control is a doing, a force that has it’s power whenever I choose to not connect with me. Which is to not feel how Awesome, Delicate, Tender, Loving, etc. I actually am. So not connecting to all this Beauty is control. There’s still much to reveal around control and the part it is playing in my life. I used to say to myself that I can’t feel whereas now I can see that I react a lot on what is reflected in life. Both to the Love and to what is not of love.
I am finding that I have claimed the way that I eat and what I eat. I am overseas at the moment visiting a friend and as I read your blog I have recognised that I have not swayed from what I usually eat at all through the entire trip which is just amazing considering that the journey to get here took 16 hours and no special dietary requirements served. I planned this trip with love and attention to what I could take on the plane. When I arrived at San Fransisco airport my friend drove me to the grocery store and I bought all of my food that I would normally buy. This has supported me greatly.
” To make choices that were more supportive, I thought I needed some form of control but I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.” This is gold, Joel. Making choices from will power – control – and my head, don’t last. In contrast, being guided by my body I can make more loving choices for my life.
This is so well put: “There is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.” And I so agree, if it is a loving choice, there is no effort or anything involved, it is just like you said Joel – it just is. Any choice that comes from the need to control feels heavy and involves so much more effort, no matter what area in life it is applied to.
A very timely read for me Joel – that internal battle for a short lived victory is something I can relate to now – especially with food! There is such a force needed and wielded to overcome or certain urges but it is still coming from the same place of disconnection. It makes sense to note this and simply reconnect rather than start a war.
Hi Joel, What you expain here is a great insight for me about control… ‘I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky.’ Control is very deceiving because it comes in many different guises.
I’m going to read this blog every day! It makes so much sense.
I control my tears – it stems from way back at Boarding school when I was 7 and crying just wasn’t done. I used to hate feeling vulnerable in public and the thought of crying in front of anybody was simply. embarrassing. If there is a conversation going on that is deepening, and feelings are coming up for me that I don’t want to feel, i.e. I’m feeling vulnerable, I will say something that changes the energy of the group and brings it back out to a ‘safe’ level for me. It is hugely destructive and I am shutting myself off from deeper feelings when I do that. Now I have recognised that, I can choose to allow the deepening and feel what’s going on
Quite often as I am learning, the realisation will come that what I had thought was the clever management of a situation was actually me trying to be in control. And I am also learning to say, oops, and to start again ‘from scratch’.
This part Joel ‘ I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.’
It feels like controlling choices come from my head whilst loving choices come from my body.
I have come back for a re-read of this blog as I feel it speaks volumes to me. I can find relevant bits throughout. Thanks Joel – it has helped clarify just that bit more my uneasy relationship with control. I can see where I have been side tracked into thinking my battle with control was an important step in self development but has really just been an illusion that has ‘amused’ my mind. I do know the difference between making a loving a choice and using control to make a choice but have not fully appreciated just what these differences mean. I am now feeling more committed to observing much more closely what is going on. Thank you!
Trying to make life be a certain way, to make people a certain way, is a sure way to ‘controlled exhaustion’, The body is just being run into the ground.
There is no choice, only a loving way to support myself……This sums it all up for me. Thanks Joel.
‘Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.”’ Oh this control thing is so exhausting and it has given me lots of headaches too . Actually control made me withdraw from life, a battle in itself. Connecting to myself has made such a difference and the choice to live love again instead of living control. this has brought back my joy!
Not only can I withdraw and disconnect from others when I am in control or battling life I am disconnected from that natural source of joy and support where I am not doing it all on my own.
This gives me a deeper understanding of surrender – surrender interestingly has been defined as giving up or giving in but now I know it to mean a life without control, a life that is only about loving choices where there is no such thing as a battle.
This is very beautifully expressed Susanne and absolutely true. I love it!
Wow what an amazing awareness and so simple. So now I know when I feel the battle I just have to re-connect and stop this control game and the merry-go-round-thing. Its now really all about presence and being connected. I love that the more I feel my body the more I start feeling and being aware in general and my understanding about what you describe here grows. Thank You for sharing this with us. With love Nadine
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance”. I can feel how true this is and I may celebrate that I am not at all bad at allowing and accepting and that the levels of control I THINK I need are less every day.
Control is very much felt in my body hardening. This remains my number one marker to check if I am pushing, controlling or making any other non-relaxing choices, all focusing on an outcome instead of just allowing myself to go with a natural flow of learning and understanding life and myself one step at the time in whatever pace it goes.
Control, what do we do without it? Love unconditionally and accept all that there is.
Spot on Lee. Then the question becomes why can’t most do without it but continue to allow control to rule their lives, even on the smallest level? As Joel says, “control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”. Perhaps many are not yet ready for the level of self-responsibility that is required when control is not running the show!
So true Lee, let love express what is needed at any moment and be free as a Soul!
Thanks Joel for shedding some light on what is a controlled choice and truly loving choice.
I am definitely familiar with this battle within of not wanting to connect and accept how amazing I am so I look for situations that I can control so as to feel safe. This is crazy as the more I embrace my own tenderness as a man the more the need to control vanishes and the more flow and simplicity is there for me.
After reading this I am seeing how much control can be woven into life and can I relate to a lot of what is shared especially around struggle and misery. I love how you share it is the level of connection we have with ourself that determines the choices we make thus being able to make a choice that ‘just is’ rather than a choice that involved an internal dialogue. I find when I make a choice that ‘just is’ my body remains feeling free. Thank you Joel for sharing and there being more to consider..
‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’ Recently I have been appreciating just how easily life flows when I am connected. The struggle and battles disappear and are replaced with joy and love.
Interesting to suggest that in fact there is no real choice when we make a ‘loving choice’….”So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” I can relate to this, I can feel awareness and push in my body when I go into trying to control myself or others, whereas when it is coming from a more loving place I do not feel this resistance.
Yes I feel this too, it’s almost like I feel like I put up a barrier between me and everything , everybody outside of me and I relate from this safe shrine which is complete illusion.
I agree Samantha. With a controlled choice there is a hardness in my body and an outer struggle. By contrast with a loving choice there is a sense of space and lightness.
This article has lived with me since I first read it three days ago and it continues to inspire and support me. Huge thank you, Joel.
‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection…’ My about to be convoluted discussion with myself about food yesterday was lovingly kicked into touch by this gem of wisdom.
Thank you Matilda, I love this “if there is any hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”
Your blog opens up a HUGE can of worms Joel because the HUGE difference between love and control is so frequently misunderstood in relationships. How often are we led to confuse control and jealousy for love and what are the consequences. It’s great to start the conversation.
I’m aware that I’ve used control in order to know what’s going to happen next – to feel safe and secure as a means of dealing with the anxiety stemming from the disconnection to myself. I’ve observed that since I’ve been attending presentations by Serge Benhayon and attending Universal Medicine healing courses my penchant for control has dramatically decreased as I’ve learned to stay true to me and continue to develop that connection with myself.
That’s very precious what you write here, Joel. It shows me how many parts of my life still are under control! And how to take the next step to let go of the control: To imply consistently things in my day that reconnect me with me.
Yes felixschumacher8, Joel’s examples of consistent practices that help us to reconnect support me to enjoy a day that flows.
Totally agree felixschumacher8 it is very simply about reconnecting back and in that accepting and allowing more of the magic of me that erases the control.
Yes Lee allowing more of me to come through by appreciating and accepting who I truly am, allows the control to drop away.
A great observation Joel – ‘Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” The crazy part is that I can apply this thinking even when I know what is ‘right’ in my head doesn’t actually work in real life.’ – How often do we push on with a task, ignoring that inner feeling telling us to just let it go, and so in the end we get to learn the hard way. Relinquishing controlling aspects of my life has been an eye-opener, and still is!
Jenny I’ve been finding since reading this article how many areas of my life the control can be part of. It’s so interwoven into everyday activities that at first it can seem there is little control. One example is how I often feel to say something and then stop myself. In effect controlling what I do or do not say and going against what I feel in my own body.
A great observation Joel – ‘ Control is the part that says, “Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right.” The crazy part is that I can apply this thinking even when I know what is ‘right’ in my head doesn’t actually work in real life.’ – How often do we push on with a task, ignoring that inner feeling telling us to just let it go, and so in the end we get to learn the hard way. Relinquishing controlling aspects of my life has been an eye-opener, and still is!
“The battle itself is just another layer of control.”
How many of us I wonder feel ‘good’ about ourselves when we win a battle and allow that to be enough.
Loving choices or controlling choices – now that’s revelatory.
Just saw the musical Mack and Mabel, based on the Mack Sennett a silent movie producer and director made famous for films like the Keystone cops. The show portrayed early film making and gave a bird’s eye view of silent movie making, took you behind the scenes and into the mind and motivations of Mack. We observe Mack’s relationship as director with his actors and principally Mabel ‘the star’ and his lover. We are given an object lesson on control and what that feels like both as giver and recipient. Mabel is not allowed to think, to feel, to act independently of the director, only follow his directions, do and respond exactly as she is told. When challenged by Mabel, to be given more freedom to feel, act, express in her own way, Mack shuts her down, says no and imposes his will. He chooses not to let go of his controlling and dominant way of directing – he’s not open to see another way and in the end kills the relationship and Mabel leaves. We are shown the dynamics of control in relationships, the role each party plays, the position of both men and women and what happens when we impose control or give away our power, both a consequence of deep insecurity, hurt and fear.
Very timely blog to re-read again as control is so deeply embedded in nearly all our lives in one way or another. It forms the greatest comfort of protection as a form of ‘safety’ and ‘security’ or at least it can be perceived this way when in fact it is deeply capping of us truly living who we truly are.
Yes Joshua, after reading this blog I can see so many patterns that are rooted in control. To maintain the life-force of controlling myself and situations is so very taxing as it drains energy from my body. Joel has made it about simplicity and using control as a marker of disconnection. I will re-read this again for sure!
All very true Joel. ‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility’ – well said; humanity just loves to try and control everything around them including their relationships, body, environment, and as you said this is the highest form of avoiding accepting what is natural and true… And by doing this we are missing out on things that can be beautiful when they are allowed to be.
From tightness, tension and control, topped with a whole dose of arrogance as I try to micro manage life to surrendering into the natural flow of life that has us all working together – a no brainer…and that is just the point: it is not with my brain that I understand life it is with my heart.
This article got me thinking of how people are told to ‘get control of yourself’ or they need to ‘control their temper’. Parents are expected to ‘control their children’ while teachers are expected to have ‘control of their class’. It seems there’s an epidemic of circumstances when ‘control’ is expected. This is the current way people talk about and live life.
Boy does this article blow the lid off and show how much these sayings are leading humanity up the garden path and away from what is true for them. All these examples of control completely negate self-responsibility, so it’s no wonder society is increasingly in turmoil. As this blog shows, change happens when one re-builds a deep and loving connection to one’s self and also with others and this results in all of this need for ‘control’ dropping away.
Awesome comment Judith. Yes, it’s like we are moulded to be controlling to keep in line with what society needs. I’m imaging a picture of a whole community surrendering from control … I hadn’t realised how huge this is.
Very well said Joel. ‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue’
For me control has everything with ‘doing’ in a certain way. Rather than noticing that I am not me and surrender to me and my body before starting ‘doing’ again. That surrendering is always body related. As soon as I surrender I feel my body’s filled up with a totally different energy. A Sacred, Understanding, Tender, Loving, Smiling energy that is actually ME. The real me, the True me. And only when I do allow myself to not feel this energy, the other energy can take over. And even though I’ve chosen ‘the other energy’ over and over again in my life, ‘me’ is still very, very alive, just waiting in me to be connected to. It is so lovely to Truly feel me. There are hardly any words to describe the loveliness that I then feel.
Floris, I can feel the tenderness that is you flowing from your comment above. What you write here is so true, we change as we surrender and let go and it is body related.
“Smiling energy that is actually ME. The real me, the True me”.
What you describe so beautifully in surrender here Floris is the antithesis of control.
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ This is beautiful Joel, thank you.
Oh Joel, I can so relate to this battle, inner and outer, it seems to me it is just designed to keep me away from this most exquisite stillness inside of me. But as you are saying the need for identification hooks me back in, time and time again, otherwise there is no reason to not live this spacious, easy and flowing life that is mine to live.
I also got aware how control can be a very subtle thing. It hides itself behind all sorts of things. Thank you Joel for this insight how control hides behind the battle or the working hard.
Yes Kerstin, we love hiding behind struggle and hard work. How does that saying go? – ‘Life wasn’t meant be easy’. How to toss away self-responsibility in one easy saying! Well this can be blown out of the water when we connect to our inner knowing and naturally bring love, understanding, appreciation and acceptance to our lives.
http://truthaboutsergebenhayon.com/2013/05/10/marijuana-addiction/comment-page-3/
What a great revelatory blog Joel, I totally understand where you are coming from. When you say: ‘The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind’. So often we get caught, well I do, in wanting to do well or get some sort of personal satisfaction or gain out of doing something. It means I fall into the trap of trying to control the situation to get a certain outcome instead of just letting things be and allowing things to take care of themselves. The crazy thing is when I try to control things they usually go wrong and I end up quite anxious, whereas when I just simply do what I am doing in the most loving way possible, I do not find myself worrying and usually everything finds its way to sort itself out.
Well said James – I can very much relate to how things go wrong when I am trying to control the situation, not only that, it feels awful in the body and leaves a sense of physically having been through an ordeal that affects my wellbeing.
Nailed it James, I very much relate to the anxiousness that follows a failed attempt (or ongoing attempt) at control.
Thanks Joel, it is my body’s way of saying hang on, stop and have a look at the way you are doing this or that. Take a pause and reassess, if only for a split second. It is amazing how when I catch myself like this almost instantaneously everything changes and the anxiousness drops.
In approach to any choice the question ‘Why would I?’ has been emerging as a no-nonsense antidote to control, struggle and the mental jiggery chatter that I have often complicated life with. ‘Why would I’ sabotage the sweet, urgent simplicity of love and responsibility? As soon as things feel tricky I know I am off the mark and playing with irresponsibility and the lazy familiarity of comfort. No choice really!
Ah yes, you wouldn’t pick it but control is most definitely ‘playing with irresponsibility and the lazy familiarity of comfort’. No fun at all.
No I wouldn’t pick it Sara – this blog and everyone’s sharing has been such an eye opener and totally expanded my understanding of what control actually is – now it feels more insidious and secretly gloats an agenda to stay in comfort. ‘Why would I’ want to stay or be in that?!
I love this Matilda – “Why would I….’ so gorgeously practical and what’s great is the question is rhetorical, so no chance of getting into a great debate with ourselves. The answer is a no brainer. Thank you.
I grew up around intense control; violence, anger, threats and intimidation and this continued into my adult life when I entered the workplace. In many ways, it was very easy to control me in this way because I allowed it. I gave up early on expressing what I felt about it and instead internalised everything.
I sometimes find myself watching the dynamics between people, particularly children with their parents, but also at work in how a supervisor overpowers team members by the way they demand tasks be done and putting the pressure on. I have discovered I have an accurate inner ‘control radar’ and I am sure we all have one.
What really doesn’t make sense, is that even though I know how awful it can be to choose controlling ways, that it is something that is prevalent in myself and I can feel how intense it can be. In fact, many of us appear to choose to live from control instead of from our connection to love, so no wonder there is conflict and tension between human beings – we are brushing against each other with an abrasiveness.
It makes sense then, why it is so easy to turn to that in life which we CAN control, notwithstanding whether those choices are supportive or not. There can at times be great control around food, children and parent relationships, pets, alcohol and drugs – sometimes we control whether we do or have these things just because it is in our realm of control not because our relationship with these things bring vitality or are healthy.
Much to ponder on …
You mentioned our relationship with things – alcohol, pets, people, food Maree and how much we try to control these. As Joel has found, allowing, acceptance are ways to develop new relationships with ourselves and everything in a more loving way. I am enjoying learning to develop this new way of relating to whatever happens in my day, it makes so much difference.
That is beautiful Bernadette, I can feel the beauty and freedom in this way of being.
To remain present and in relationship with whatever I am doing indeed makes such a difference to the quality I bring to life and brings more awareness to my choices.
Great question Maree and a journey well worth exploring further, leading to a realisation we control only one thing at any stage… our connection to soul or something else.
Yes, it doesn’t seem complicated does it?
So awesomely simple and powerful Joel…
Right on Joel ‘we control only one thing at any stage… our connection to soul or something else.’ So simple and powerful when it’s spelt out like this.
Joel, I love the brilliance of your understanding around the workings of ‘control’. How sneaky is this way of our spirit, and how cool it is that you have cornered it now you have worked out it’s method. This may feel like a battle in itself but how you’ve lovingly observed this in yourself just shows your understanding IS your acceptance and allowing. No control there. Thank you
Understanding (of ourselves and others), acceptance (of where we are at), and allowing (ourselves and others to be without the control)… could this be the key to salvation, I certainly hope so because that is what I am working on right now! And add a little appreciation to the mix and there’s no stopping us (from evolving) 🙂
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance.” This is so true Joel. Accepting the fact that all of humanity has free will, the responsibility to choose their own path in life allows me let go of the mental pictures of how situations “should be”. I can relate to wanting to control situations so I don’t feel hurt but in reality control is loveless and results in self-inflicted hurts. Allowing and accepting on the other hand brings a place of us to Love and completeness, a place of inner stillness, harmony and joy.
I agree Margaret, along with what you have said I also have come to understand that everybody is where they are at to learn what they need to, if we interfere or try to ‘control’ everything then we can easily take these opportunities to learn and grow from away from not only ourselves but the others involved as well.
Absolutely, I agree Margaret and James. I’ve been noticing this of late too as I let go of the control I’ve built in my life particularly around parenting my two boys so I didn’t have to face my own hurts. I used control as a security gate so any un-dealt with hurts were locked away and I could pretend there wasn’t really anything coming up. As I became more aware of this it felt so hard and everyone lost out as it made me the controlling boss and usually everyone else upset, without allowing and accepting all our input or the opportunity for them to work something out for themselves. Letting go of the control has brought up a lot and it’s been uncomfortable but it’s so much more honouring of us all. It’s not for me to get in their way and make them be a certain way it’s for me as a parent to support and guide them to remember how to be responsible. It’s ongoing but letting go of my old buried hurts has allowed the space for life to be so much more joyous and playful as I meet them more in each moment. Thank you Joel for writing about this. It’s perfectly timed.
That is lovely to read Candida. The key here is for us all to remember we do not need to be perfect and are here to learn. Allowing someone to be where they are at and learn what they need to learn, even though it may be difficult to watch at times is a real blessing for the person because by doing so we give them the space and are not asking them to be anything but themselves – which I know they can definitely feel as when this has happened with me it has felt like a huge support.
The reality is that we can never control what is going on outside of us, we can only accept what is going on inside of us and that what is happening on the outside is just a reflection of this. Maybe we don’t want to accept the responsibility this brings hence always wanting to control so that we are not hurt in the process.
That is pretty deep Sandra. You have taken this topic to another level by revealing the greater responsibility that is avoided in constantly needing to be in control.
It’s true Margaret, we protect ourselves from some perceived hurt, but in the protection we hurt ourselves most, crazy…
Work is a great playground for control, and I also find it in parenting too. So many times I have put a task or activity above my relationship with another, and then wonder why the relationship is not loving or why there is tension. I can feel already what a huge turnaround this is going to be.
I Love the wisdom you share Joel. I can relate to so much of what you say here. The impact that controlling a situation has on the body is huge. I have had a situation I struggle with at times and lose myself and go into battle trying to create the metal picture I have for the situation in my head even though I know doing this serves no one. I know when I can attend a meeting with no expectations or need to control an outcome I feel so much better and accepting these meetings’ results are just what is needed at the time allowing those involved the free will to live the life they choose. When ever I feel uncomfortable and start to struggle with what I being presented I know I am not connected and it’s time to bring myself back to me, take a breath and reconnect. My only responsibility is to take the fullness of myself to these meetings and present the completeness of my open loving heart to all present, I choose connection over control.
“Control is the part that says, ‘Life has to be a certain way for it to be right, feel right, look right’.” I can feel the restriction in this, the boxing in and the difficulty to expand because of the demand to abide by rules and expectations. Love doesn’t have this feeling. With love there is a spaciousness, for me and others, to be themselves. There is a ‘what is’, and an abundance of acceptance, no matter what is there before us or what choices another is making. There is self-responsibility and care and consideration too. Thank you Joel for allowing me to go deeper with this.
Thank you Joel for sharing the difference in Loving Choices and Controlling Choices where there is an inner battle, something to work on or fight for. How easy does it make it now to determine what is loving and what is control. I will take this with me for my day.
Loving choices = ‘Why would I?’
Controlling choices = Should I; Shouldn’t I; Could do; Just this once; I deserve it; I need it; No one will notice; I can handle it etc etc…
Harmony or chaos – our choice, but in truth no choice really. Thank you, Joel, for this fundamental clarity.
The ‘happy-go-lucky’ you mention Joel made me realise just how being ‘nice’ or ‘easy going’ has been a huge form of control for me. The way you described the difference for you with food, sums it up beautifully. Living ‘control free’ feels like a surrender and living with life’s true flow, without a regard for outcomes or goals. I can feel writing this just how my body loves this way of being and that I will return to this blog many times. Inspiring.
“. . .there is no choice to be made when I am loving to myself”, Joel, this line says it all – simple yet profound. It has been my experience that when I am loving to myself there is, as you say, ‘no choice’ as what is needed is impulsed forth with no effort or forethought on my part.
Wow Joel, this blog is a real wake-up call for me. Thank you!
Hello Joel Levin, congratulations on a very uncontrolled blog, thank you. What you are saying is at any point you don’t feel the connection to yourself, you are in control. So it doesn’t matter what heading you give things, food, work, relationships, money etc it is all about the connection you have to you. These are my supports and as you say, “Things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist”. Supporting yourself connecting is a great and the only foundation to work from, otherwise from anything else you are in control. Control only confirms one thing, that whatever is in front of you will be in front of you again at some point. Control doesn’t allow you to truly heal anything or to move past any point. You may push through it but truly it’s still there and you are carrying it. Connection, simple connection supports everything and everyone. Sound controlling? maybe consider connection. Thank you Joel.
Raymond, what you have expressed here is so true: “Control only confirms one thing, that whatever is in front of you will be in front of you again at some point. Control doesn’t allow you to truly heal anything or to move past any point.”
I am sure we have all lived through this at some stage in our life. It’s like the world saying, “Maree, have another go”. We may not like what is before us, but the reality is that it is an amazing blessing to be given a chance to have another go and bring love to whatever is needed this time around. What’s more, what a blessing it is, to observe how this all plays out, because it allows us to know fully the power of love and to fully understand the demise that comes from control.
Hello Maree Savins, thank you. This is a great topic to talk about and see what comes out. We are at times tricked by a similar thing coming to us again. We maybe in a different town, at a different time, with different people but something feels similar to what was before. We can be tricked by what we see but never tricked by what we feel. The feeling first and then everything else from there. We say that “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover” but you can certainly feel who the author is. Thanks again Maree.
“Control only confirms one thing, that whatever is in front of you will be in front of you again at some point. Control doesn’t allow you to truly heal anything or to move past any point.”
this is a true insight, when we realise we are here to learn…thanks Raymond.
I can feel the links to causing delay in truly loving humanity and myself through the ability of my mind to justify anything it wants. Thank you Joel for drawing such a clear map that has linked the way obstacles can be justly erected. There are no obstacles with true love, it just is.
so true Sandra “There are no obstacles with true love, it just is.”
I am going to read this blog every day. To look at control so clearly and see that the only one allowing it is me by perpetuating the battle instead of just cutting it and reconnecting with myself is very self empowering.
Many great revelations here Joel. Who would have thought being loving was such a no brainer?!
It is quite interesting to see when I am reading through your blog and the comments how much this is all so logical and simple and yet there is a part of me that does not want to get it, wants to not understand, wants to fight, namely wants to stay in control.
I will be back!
This feels like you’ve hit a raw nerve Joel here, the merry go round of control has had a field day in my life for sure. There is a giant difference between loving choices and controlling choices that I can really feel, thank you. Returning to connection is the way forwards.
I find that trying to control things in life puts a bind on myself and others and doesn’t allow for a natural flow.
So true deborahmckay, control totally blocks natural flow, it makes things rigid and hard. When control comes into play I find there is usually some form of wanting something for self/personal gain – whether it be money, material things, power, a sense of recognition etc.. and instead of thing flowing smoothly they usually become more erratic and for me things start to go wrong, I make simple mistakes and end up in a state of anxiousness – if not immediately, soon afterwards!
Wow Joel, this is a huge subject you’ve just cracked wide open here. That pride of ‘victory’ you share I have experienced many times and that internal battle does leave me feeling like I’ve been in the wars! That indecision of what choice to make never solves anything but infact only makes the indecision and the struggle to listen to that inner knowing all the more murky. My body on the other hand when listened to is very clear and straightforward and is as simple as whatever comes about in my life or whatever I may do either heals, inspires and empowers or harms, brings chaos and misery in its wake. Thank you for this blog.
Really enjoyed reading this thank you for sharing
Joel, I am loving your blog and saying I can relate to it would be a gross understatement. I know very well the battle you speak of and can still get caught by it regularly. But it is a trick of the mind to keep control and to make myself think I am working on something while in all honesty I am just perpetuating it, indulging in it and delaying getting past the issue and getting on with it. And then it is topped off with unmoving choices either as a reward for my hard work or as a giving up for not getting it right! A great exposing of how we can fool ourselves and protect our protections and comfort.
Joel I love love love how you have shared your experience of control. It reveals much about how we can fool ourselves to think we are making a loving choice, but in truth cannot be, if we have battled to make it in the first place. “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control” Much to sit with in this statement, thank you.
Thank you Joel your blog has given me much to ponder on. I have been able to reflect on the ways in which I still try to control situations and how unloving that is for myself and anyone I involve. In control I give myself no freedom but equally I give the other no freedom to learn from or make their own decisions and choices.
This is so great Joel and apt for me right now. I’ve recently made a decision, felt from my body, but then started to question that decision because of possible outcomes, yes, i’m definitely now trying to control, have lost my connection and completely in a fog which is a direct contrast to the original impulse.
I used to feel that if I gave up control then my whole life would spiral out of control! Little did I know that it was the need for control that had it spiraling out of control in the first place! You are so correct Joel, wanting to be in control simply exposed the fact that I had lost my connection with myself. I love working on deepening my connection with myself now on a day-to-day basis and it is bringing a freedom and ease within myself that is priceless.
Elizabeth and Jane – too true. The belief that ‘life will spiral out of control’ has a real hold on me but it is this very belief that has me living out my greatest fear. I feel that once you have hit rock bottom in life, as I have on a couple of occasions, that the overwhelming fear that it may happen again can be so paralysing that we will do anything not to go there again. What I am not giving any consideration to at all, is that I am here, living life, feeling love for myself and others like never before, with a world of support around me, and with the teachings of the ancient wisdom and hierarchy to guide me. Life is so very different. It feels time for me to sink deeper into my tenderness, sensitivity, delicateness and honesty as you suggest Jane, and to surrender.
Brilliantly said Elizabeth and Jane. When I grip tighter everything slips further into chaos. I was reflecting yesterday how I used to be always chasing time, so super anxious, and that nowadays as I let go and develop my relationship with myself – touching life with delicacy and responsibility – there is a spaciousness and freedom to enjoy, that is exquisite and remarkable…’priceless’.
As with you Jane, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have played a huge part in my learning to let go of trying to control everything and to know that I can trust in the love that I am, I can trust my sensitivity and that this sensitivity is a strength. Every person on the planet is sensitive but we do not often show this side of ourselves in case we are perceived as weak. What a game we all play just to stay in control and avoid being hurt.
Agree Elizabeth and Jane. Another way I now look at it is; if I am trying to control my life then what kind of life will I then be in control of? The point being that a life lived in control is no life, so why control it?!
What a gift this antidote is Elizabeth, a simple connection of body and mind, and an awareness of physiological effects of control, the tightening of the arms and chest. In fact its fascinating to observe the lock down it creates, its no wonder that we feel imprisoned by our controlling ways.
I liked the simplicity and immediacy of your blog, Joel. The sentence ‘control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance…’ rang so true in my body. To avoid being hurt, we resort to control but there is no love in that, only beliefs, ideals and thus struggle. How different to allow and accept! That’s where our whole being comes to this natural place of inner harmony and equilibrium and, in that, there is no battle. There is instead the knowing of of what is true, loving and honouring of ourselves and others.
Joel you have presented control to me. I found your blog hard to read as you are presenting something that I have been choosing not to recognise. I try and control EVERYTHING without being aware of what I am doing, yet to a degree I know exactly what I am doing and you are right, how you plan it in your head never pans out in real life. Thank you.
Reading your blog again today Joel, I truly felt this statement: “’I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices.” I have learnt this too and it gives me pause often to consider which way am I choosing. To recognise which is loving and which is controlling is not difficult, to always choose the loving choice can sometimes prove to be a little harder than I thought ….
A very interesting read and an easy dilemma to slip into. It’s amazing when the realisation of how you’ve fooled yourself into living suddenly hits you. Taking steps in everyday living raises my awareness to these patterns I can fall into.
Control is the mechanism that we use to control the hurt. If your surroundings are controlled we can then gauge what to do in any situation so that the deep hurts that we carry do not get exposed.
It keeps us in drive, as we are continually having to check that everything is in order based on the level of protection we feel we need.
In what you have written here what I have seen is how ingrained behaviours and repeated patterns are in fact a way of control. ‘The topic of control has been a theme for me of late. Noticing the choices I make, both big and small, where I opt for the perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life.’ And the ‘perceived safe choices’ are in fact stopping us from moving upward and expanding in our life towards who we truly are. Could it be that perceived safe choices are also a form of protection against getting hurt? It is a beautiful reminder to let go of all tension in the body and to surrender to the love we hold within.
Control. It’s insidious. Thanks for shining a light on it. It needs lots of light on it – cos when we go into control, it can feel dark and difficult and incredibly limiting.
What I have felt is that sometimes I will actually go looking for control!! For me it is a form of protection – a way of keeping the world out. If I am in control then I am protected. More and more I am letting this go and what astonishes me is then seeing and feeling the extra, waiting in the wings, waves of amazingness that I am, and actually how I don’t need to control/protect because I am divine, those around me are divine and everything is OK! It sounds daft writing it, but the insanity of control is that I am actually massively capping myself from feeling the full extent of my glory – which in turn, in this contracted state, then encourages more control/protection. A ridiculous merry-go-round. Joel – you are a legend. Thank you.
As I read your comment ottobathurst I could feel the cold, hard, steel bars of the prison we put ourselves in when we adopt ‘control’ as our method of protection. Then the beautiful warmth of the sunlight of our soul and the freedom and glory of being all that we are as we step out of this self made prison.
I love this Otto, going in search of control (now known as protection!)…I found that I have done this in leadership roles, by standing at the front, you are both in control and safe.
Yes. But you are alone. This is something that I have really seen and felt in the last few years. True leadership ensures that everyone is beside you. And that is only done when control/protection have been dropped and true equality and openness is embraced.
Love it ottobathurst….Nailed true leadership
I have. And now I need to bring it 100% in to my life. I am pretty good at it. But there are still times when I go solo, when I batten down the hatches and go it alone. Which absolutely doesn’t work; for me, for my colleagues, for humanity.
But this isn’t just the workplace. It’s exactly the same in family life. I am father of three children. And as such, I am, a lot of the time, their leader…and it’s the same – true leadership is when they are walking right alongside me and the real gold of that is, if they are right beside me, then it is super easy for them to step forward and start leading for a bit, which is now happening. It is amazing. They are making big decisions. It’s fabulous for them to feel that that responsibility and that power and fabulous for me to be inspired by them. When it works, it’s gorgeous. When it doesn’t, it’s more often than not because I am imposing myself and my views on the situation, I have gone solo, I am in blinkered vision. Which is a zillion miles from true leadership.
Otto…when’s the leadership seminar… you can rewrite the definitions and move it away from that crazy charisma led model most people champion. It is true we can lead in all areas of our life but from along side and without imposition.
I know. It’s crazy isn’t it. The mark of true leadership is when you can step back in to the side wings and nothing changes; the momentum is established, the inspiration is seeded and everyone is doing their thing – to the max of each individual’s amazing potential. (which, by the way is also the mark of true parenting, true relationship, true friendship and true brotherhood)
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.” Yes Joel control really does keep us locked in our mind and away from our heart where the true connection lives. Once we are in our head I find the battle really does take hold of us and makes life feel a lot harder. But when we stop and breathe life seems to flow much easier.
This is so spectacular what you have written Joel. And it has made me ponder how this ‘battle’ is so massively promoted out in the world. How control is fed to us (and we gladly gobble it up). Our lives are constantly peppered with “don’t do this”, “do this”, “choose this”, “say yes to this”, “be better”…etc…all of these are totally ignoring the innate and unquestionable wisdom that we all have. There is in fact no choice, there is in fact no battle. Ouch – whose gonna tell the advertising executives?!
Deal. Anyone fancy taking the media too?! Although thinking further on this, it’s super important that we don’t dodge the bullet by blaming others for the choices that we are consciously making. This is the biggest and most comfortable of any of the comfort blankets that we slumber under. We have the choice. We have the power. It is our responsibility to claim that.
Thank-you Joel, control has been my default mode, my modus operandi, and although its not comfortable, I am hugely grateful to have the curtains pulled on the absolute involution of this battle ground and to be reminded of the pure freedom and grace that connection brings.
Wow, Joel, this line in itself is life-changing – “My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.” Universal Medicine has presented this simple fact for years and the truth of it has just dropped in at a deeper level having read this blog. We fixate on and analyse our choices ad nauseum, but really we need to be looking at one single choice – to be connected to love or not.
Absolutely janetwilliams06. If things are a struggle we have already lost but so often we bounce around from one struggle to the next believing we are improving things, finding solutions to problems and issues meanwhile ignoring the big elephant in the room of our choice to not be connected to love.
I agree Janet, it is life-changing. This is the moment and through Joel’s powerfully expressed blog when we truly get it! I’ve heard the words before, but not felt the power of what was being presented. I do now.
I agree Janet, it is life-changing. ‘ truth of it has just dropped in at a deeper level having read this blog’ I’ve heard the words before, but not felt the power of what was being presented, until now.
Joel, I think you must have written this for me today!!
So now “I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”
What a powerful statement and one which will help me be aware of when I drop my connection that I am not making a loving choice but a controlling one. Thank you.
As human beings we are constantly battling our so-called ‘demons’ that make bad choices. Perhaps we choose to engage and be enthralled by the battle because it is the game that trumps even the most willing person who is ‘trying’ to make true choices. It keeps us in delay much longer than the phase where we are stuck in the graveyard of disenfranchised numbness seeking sense of futility in existence. The battle is the ultimate form of delay disguised as evolution; that is a seriously insidious set up that we all fall for.
Beautiful Joel. I have this odd sense of wanting to stay in control of my ‘ability’ to control as if I value deeply the fact that I can choose what isn’t loving for myself – just for the sake of it – for the sake of feeling free. Pretty crazy really.
“So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.” So true Joel. When I try to make choices from will power – control – it feels like a deprivation and doesn’t last. Loving choices for myself enable decisions to be made easily, without any trying or struggle.
I agree sueq2012…when I make a loving choice, it just is or it isn’t. The so called choices from willpower are exactly that – deprivation and it takes a lot of energy to keep up the willpower and constant self-talk about the reasons why not to eat or do something. It is not only exhausting, but it is an absolute lie.
Beautiful Joel and very true and reflective thank you for sharing this. Control and trying is so much part of life for us when really it need not be and it is an illusion to be seen through.This allows us then to feel space and joy in the natural flow of what life truly is.
Once again Joel you have exposed something that appears to be a simple choice that in truth is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once we realize it is a battle we are already lost. What a marker to show us a choice we have dressed up to not see the wolf.
Great blog Joel something to really ponder on. I too realised I can get myself caught in the control games, to then have found myself left exhausted. As we just allow and be, there is no need for control. When we allow a loving choice there is no control everything falls smoothly.
Amita I’ve been pondering on this as well in the different areas I get caught up trying to control. What is very evident is that whenever I try and control the situation it all falls apart, it does not work but in that control I feel identified, i feel like the one that is important. As I let go of trying to control work there is a real freedom appearing – a freedom of working together and of support. The identification of being the person that makes it all happens is slowly falling away. Lots more to ponder on here.
Absolutely Amita and it is quite something to just stop all the control and just be yourself. In the honesty of this is action is a strong willingness to be present and in understanding of ourselves and everyone else.
That is also a great point you make Amita, trying to control life is so very draining and leaves you feeling exhausted.
I agree, the control games that we all play are extremely draining of our energy. If we were to live free of our control surely we would have more energy in life.
What a great, exposing and supporting blog, Joel, thank you. While reading I realized a tendency in myself to not understand, what you are writing of, I was wondering about – was it the language (what is not my first language)? Then I realized, that you have exposed some subtile but yet obvious patterns of control that wanted to stay in control inside me. Great to look with a magnifier at these control-patterns, in the garment of a self-loving way, that just extends the time to not live in a true loving way with oneself. Great marker to feel the battle as a sign of being in control instead of the flowing simple and evolving feeling a true loving choice opens up to.
I realised too, Stefanie, that while reading I was going into confusion and knew straight away that what Joel is offering, is a truth for me to ponder. Very exposing and very simple. There really is no confusion as the comment clarifies – ‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control’. Thanks Joel for the offering of another ‘Healing’ Blog.
Yes I am realising more from reading this blog and people’s comments that there is no love in control, yes it feels safe and comfortable but it isn’t expanding, there is no evolution and keeps us limited. Control is so sneaky that it can come in, in the tiniest of ways that I know I can think I am not controlling, yet of course I am.
This is a beautiful show-stopping piece of writing – more timely than I could have controlled into place! I still teeter on this self-made fence between trying to manage everything and letting go of control to willingly pick up responsibility. Joel, you have written for all but, this morning, straight into my life, thank you.
What Joel has delivered is a gigantic siren for me. The loudest klaxon ever, which will ring in my ears and body as soon as I feel myself even bending down to step through the ropes and in to the ring of “a choice”.
Otto , what’s powerful about Joel’s piece for me is he has lifted the lid on the games we play and the devious ways in which we hang on to control. I often related the need to control to relationships and situations. Joel shows it powerfully at play in our relationship with ourselves, prompting us all to be more real and honest about what is truly going on.
Brilliantly put….”letting go of control to willingly pick up responsibility”. It is in effect a relay, where the baton must be passed, or else the show comes to an end. The thought of it can seem immense, the pressure to drop the baton can seem too much, but once you’ve put your hand firmly out to receive it and begun to run straight ahead of you, it is nothing more than a walk (run!) in the park.
For me also Matilda, it is a huge reminder/wake-up call on the games we continue to play to keep individualism and identity thriving when we are just fooling ourselves. When it can be about letting go of control to willing to pick up responsibility – beautifully said Matilda.
Yes Matildaclark absolutely, I too teeter between trying to manage everything and letting go of control. I can also feel how ‘lack of trust’ is a big foundation for the need to control. So much reflections from this amazing blog.
Another beautiful blog Joel and one that challenges how many have been living. I love how you differentiate between the two, ” So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice there is this inner battle.”
Another very really informative blog Joel. I can relate to when it is a loving choice –it just is. I so get that. My experience has been when I try to have control over a situation there is an inner battle and I feel driven and disconnected. When I approach something without wanting to control it is what it is and that’s ok, there is no inner battle for me about the situation just acceptance and understanding that the outcome is what is needed for everyone involved at that time.
love this Ariana.. Connection power not will power — we need a bumper sticker.
This is big Joel and a lot for me to ponder on, as I realise after reading this I still have a way to go to let go of these controlling behaviours and how measuring and unloving that is. Thank-you for bringing to attention the insidious ways that some forms of control can take and I have chosen to not be aware of.
Indeed Deidre Medbury this is BIG, its not pretty but its amazing to have control exposed for the dishonesty and ultimately the disconnection it brings.
Exactly Deidre and lucindag this is big how control is being exposed. The disconnection and the unloving choices and behaviors keep us stuck and going round in circles.
Wow Joel you have shared and revealed a universal pattern here. We already know what is true and who we are, until we choose not to. Hence the battle begins. This sharing is one for the ‘Pool Room’ to quote an Australian saying. It is like a fable. When is the book coming out?
‘We already know what is true and who we are, until we choose not to’ – cutting through the quagmire of our home-made complication – so simple, so cool, so supportive – thank you, bernadetteglass.
‘home-made complication’ says it all Matildaclark! I control from my insular protective bunker and make it all about me and I now know that this is about protecting my hurts and hanging on the them. The true power of love and the expression of love is wasted and hurts humanity when truth is not lived. I know this in my head but can still make choices to control. Each moment is a choice and I continue to stumble, however, I know truth and am learning what damage, control and self-interest does.
Well said Bernadette, the real battle begins when we choose to ignore the fact that we do know what is true and who we really are. Joel once again slices through all the illusion and ignorance and brings us home to truth. What are we choosing to deny when we start to control? Are we wanting to manufacture a different outcome to the choices we know we should not have made?
Yes Rowena, the word ‘manufacture’ rings true here. I am creating another existence that suits my comfort or choices that I am not willing to see for what they are when I am controlling outcomes. Well expressed and a graphic representation of what control is about.
Joel Levine, You bring such simplicity, honesty as you unstitch control. Control is a very deceptive way of life, and I too have been very controlling in ways I would never have recognised until I started to become aware. Very true that control is about not being in connection to ourselves and feeling the power and trust that brings in our daily lives. So we control ultimately to feel this safety which is falsely covering up – not trusting and being in connection. But as you clearly show it is a CHOICE yet there is no choice.
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself’.
Awesome insights Karoline and Joel, the will-power, drive, discipline are all just another layer of control playing out in the same field, and all the successes, failures, recriminations, and guilt are all ensuring we stay in the game, rather than relinquishing the whole palava; choosing our natural connection and living from that space, allowing it to deepen and grow.
From my experience the more hurt you are, the more you want to control to protect yourself. Living this way is such an imprisonment. Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon taught me to re-connect, trust, surrender and then choose what’s next.
I understand just what you are saying Joel, it doesn’t matter what I am doing as long as I make my choices loving choices, that helps me to stay connected and achieve my objective.
As soon as I feel the least bit of control in what I am doing, I lose my connection and then it’s really easy for me to give up on my objective.
I find that too Nicholas Bason, when I try to control something, the connection is lost and with that, as they say, my heart’s not in it, literally.
Similarly, the moment I am looking to control something in my life, I know that I have disconnected from my essence and looking to find distractions or a filler, to control the fact that I don’t want to see or feel what is going in within me.
A very important topic Joel. We are taught and encouraged to be in control all our life. Letting go of control in exchange for reconnecting with ourselves through loving choices is greatly helped by the tools Universal Medicine and its practitioners offer us. A true blessing.
Oooooh Joel, control so well explained. I love that idea, if there is even a hint of a battle I know I have dropped my connection. I never thought about it like that and now feel much, much more able to handle those moments when the battle begins… as always, amazing insight beautifully written.
I agree Kate Robson, this also ‘clicked’ with me “if there is even a hint of a battle I know I have dropped my connection,” because in connection we are not in any need of control.
Great Blog Joel. I read this yesterday, right at the very moment that I needed to read it, as I’m currently questioning the need for all this control. I struggled to hear what you had to say – interestingly, as everything you said was absolutely on point, and I was only just ready to hear it, but not quite. So, I’ve read it again today, and the line that jumps out at me again as it did yesterday is; ‘The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.’ So true. This struggle I identify with is purely a version of control to keep me from being the true me, simple and effortless. The struggle is there purely for recognition purposes, because of the emptiness that lies within me. If I continue to make loving choices, my self love and self worth will grow exponentially, and the emptiness will no longer drive the unnecessary struggle.
Yet again you’ve nailed it Joel. Your blogs are incredibly life changing. KEEP WRITING!!
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”. This is a great definition of control. It’s not as harmless as we think. It’s how we push and enforce our way on another. This is unloving and unacceptable.
Thank you for this amazing sharing Joel…when I first read it I had quite a reaction – all sorts of judgements and it ‘didn’t make sense’. Having just re-read it with an intention to be more receptive to what is being offered, it has unravelled and exposed so much in my own life, and explained a great deal of what I see happening in others lives too. The whole battle thing of control also creates so much drama but we get (albeit negative) attention and recognition from that and there becomes an addiction to the drama just to get that response, to make us feel worthy. There is a total lack of responsibility in this, there is constant tension and our life is defined by the outside world.
When you mention “My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have..” and “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery” exposes the self-responsibility we have in every moment to choose love or not, to connect to our innate inner knowing within and to take that out into the world.
Control comes from the head, from the mind and creates so much tension within the body – life becomes a struggle – always calibrating and judging with the outside world which is ever-changing. Whereas when we live from our hearts and our innate inner knowing, life feels more expansive and flows so easily with little to no effort, our body is free to move as it naturally was made to, and there is a steadiness that allows every day to be joyful…how gorgeous is life lived this way. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for presenting a true way of living with such truth, integrity, love and simplicity.
Yes Paula, well said, ‘Control comes from the head, from the mind and creates so much tension….’
To not be in control, is like a surrendering, surrendering into the body and connecting allowing that trust and love in life to flow.
Beautifully put Ariana, we are in charge of our choices and whether we take responsibility with our choices or choose to be irresponsible with our choices.
Ineffable, so so healing to read this. After reading this blog I realized that I am in battle many times of the day, I did not know that I was so much in control! Like you said: working hard (thinking) while in fact I was just bravely continuing my control. This tool that you offer here: once you feel any type or sense of battle then you are in control, helps me a lot, and I will take that forth. Like you said: ‘The battle itself is just another layer of control.’
Well thank you Joel, what a support reading your blog.
I agree Danna, it is a huge reflection Joel is offering us. Something we all need to ask ourselves – how often do we completely let go of control?
‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’, I can feel that we have to know that we are supporting ourselves to trust that we will be supported and let the control go. We are aware every single time we do something that is not supportive of a loving way, and we know intimately whether we are living in a way that supports us. So we will not feel supported and let the control go, until we build the foundation of truly supporting ourselves in every thing we do.
Well said Joel… I am so familiar with feeling this battle and trying to make the right choice. If making the so called ‘right choice’ had a little bit of struggle in it then I interpret myself as being strong or wilful and having discipline but what you have introduced is even that is not true. Loving choices are easy when we are honest in what we are feeling. We don’t have to be immaculate in all areas of our life straight away but when we feel in our body it’s time to make a shift in or change anything in our life, we can honour that and go with it rather than control it’s timing.
How often do we choose the safest, most comfortable choice where it is actually not the best choice for us? Are we actually missing out by resisting a new but possibly simpler and more supportive way of living?
Indeed Rebecca, we are fighthing against the natural flow.
Control is the intent of having one´s own will no matter what as opposed to the one will where a choice is a simple surrender to what is known as truth and love.
And Control is signing up for the battle!
Beautifully said Alex, ‘ Control is the intent of having one’s own will no matter what…’ this is the battle we can find ourselves, as I only know too well… the ‘will’ of me, doing it my way, in my way, under my rules…in separation to what is really going on for me and what is really needed and surrendering to that…aagh to take that step of letting go of control…but the ‘funny thing’ is when we do, there is something amazing to be discovered, and felt….
Spot on Alex, “Control is the intent of having one’s own will no matter what” the stubborn drive that comes with filling the emptiness of our own disconnected.
Joel I love and appreciate the wisdom you share “There is no battle because I have connected to myself and not to a mental picture of …” anything and everything that makes a picture is a form of controlling another or ourselves. If there is even the slightest struggle in the mind then I’m controlling and not connected. This is the area that is worthy of loving contemplation, deepening the awareness to observe when the struggle begins and to stop following it into battle but to raise the white flag on ourselves to say this is a moment to choose connection as opposed to control.
Your “hint of a battle meaning you have dropped your connection” is very inspiring and catchy, I like to bring it to the formula ‘control means lack of connection’. I identify control and battle in me mostly as seriousness, tension, frustration, wanting to be right and fearing to be wrong. It is a strong identification with the matter at hand that I want to have control over and my wellbeing is dependent on the expected outcome. Indeed a very consuming way of being. What I recognized underneath is the lack of acceptance, letting things and people be, the helplessness due to the impossibility to change what is not in my power to change – the moment I stop and allow myself to feel that, I liberate myself and can let go of the control that actually is controlling me.
Control is the antithesis to trust, love, knowing that I am part of a greater order and harmony, hence as you say control is disconnection.
Absolutely Alex – it is a paradox isn’t it, ‘having control’ is actually controlling us.
Beautifully expressed Alex and I so relate. This last sentence “Control is the antithesis to trust, love, knowing that I am part of a greater order and harmony, hence as you say control is disconnection” opened up a pandora’s box of questions for me.
Is control then the human spirit’s way of trying to look like there is order, but in fact there is no order at all. Is it trying to emulate love, but there is no love at all?
A tidy house can look ‘ordered’ and ‘controlled’ but does it have a loving quality between its walls? Do the people in that house feel themselves, content, free to express themselves? Or are they watching what they do, guarding their words, feeling anxiety in their bodies because they are going to be caught out or controlled in some way?
Great questions that can help to raise our awareness of what control does to us and what it actually intends to do on a spiritual level. What comes up is that in disconnection to the divine order and love we are held by and being part of the spirit tries to create it´s own version of the same without having the true ingredients to do so, hence it´s version is not true order but the force of control in the attempt to generate something it, the spirit, in truth is incapable of doing but too proud and ignorant to admit to.
Thanks Alex. Yes, it’s like a dodgy copy without the quality that is true. If I look closely I might see it, but more importantly I can feel it. And in this, it is clear, why shutting down our clairsentience, or ability to feel, is a desirable outcome for the human spirit, so it can stay hiding and unexposed.
Thank you Joel, for clarifying the difference between a loving choice where it is just is and there is that easiness and flow to things and a controlling choice where I get caught up with mental energy creating tension in my body, the difference is miles apart. Great sharing
Yes Francisco….’…the difference is miles apart’, two completely different qualities that can be lived…
This is extraordinary Joel and it is a blog I will return to to unfold its rich layers.
Control is in the forefront of my awareness as I have returned to university. The interesting thing is that uni is no more about control than any other part of my life – it is just vastly more in my face.
As I do the things I have to do to satisfy requirements there is a sense of a need to go into a control mode, to apply rigour, to seek more information, and to work a little harder. What I have noticed is that I can easily leave myself behind to be and do what I think is needed. There is a trust issue at play here. Acceptance too. I am more than enough when I am with this body. And I have a responsibility to offer everyone I meet through that a degree the reflection of a person who brings all of herself to the course, a woman who has lived wisdom to share..so much richer and deeper than a hard, controlling person trying hard and fighting inner battles.
Yes Rachel what you’re sharing is how control plays out in many different ways and as you said ‘I will return to unfold its rich layers’, that is the key – unfold its rich layers…as we deepen our connection with us and in sharing the deep lived wisdom you hold and, oh boy, do I see that in you, and the richness and depth you are as a woman, the less and less control has a hold or even a need….
It is so helpful and I agree totally, if there is any hint of a battle I have lost my connection. When it is a self loving choice, it just is, there is no fight at all. Your blog and your healing is so clear and clears the way.
I really like this line in particular because I have experienced it many times.. ‘When food choices become about control, there is an inner battle between the part that knows what feels right and the part that just wants to eat it, regardless.’
Love this blog, I can very much relate to what you say about control. It is in situations when I have lost the connection with myself that I desperately seek to have ‘control’.
‘I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like. For the record, this is worth celebrating and appreciating.’ Joel these simple and straight forward few words, feels deeply honoring of yourself.
A brilliant piece Joel exposing how the layers and subtleties of control play out. ‘So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.’ This is so beautifully expressed and so true as when you are connected to your love within the choices made from here are more like a response coming from a knowing that naturally flows.
Control is under the microscope for me at the moment Joel…and reading your blog has really turned up the magnification…so Thank You!
That’s a great point Joel, “If there is a hint of battle, I dropped my connection” , there is no battle with connection only with disconnection. I’m going to deeply ponder that. Thank you.
I love this Joel: “if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”. This is going on my wall as a reminder…thank you.
Joel Levin you are remarkable – thank you I am a master at control and you have enabled me to see through all the layers and brought it back to the simplicity of living a loving way – no choice we are from love and we return to love – simple.
I appreciate and really connect to the idea you’ve presented about struggle and how this is just another form of control. As I look back on past situations I can see that at times I can make a choice through forcing and controlling the situation so I get my desired outcome, where as at other times I can make the same choice and it just naturally happens without any trying or force. This brings me to the same realisation you had Joel and that is if any trying or force is needed then the original impulse I had to make the change came from outside of me and an idea I had taken on. Where as if it is easy and just naturally flows it tells me this has come from my inner choice to deeply care for myself so no energy such as force is required to sustain the choice. This is gold Joel.
Powerful blog you have written here Joel. There must still be a bit of control lurking in me, because I felt a bit squirmy reading this. It felt like exactly what I needed to hear. Of course what you have shared feels so true to me: struggle = no connection; simplicity = connection.
Before reading this blog I had not made such a strong connection between control and acceptance. This makes so much sense to me and really helps me understand why I have an issue with both as if one is present the other has to be there as well.
What a great blog. “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” I can so relate to this at the moment. The control thing seems huge to shake off but actually if slowly but surely we keep surrendering we get lighter and lighter. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and members of his family, for Universal Medicine practitioners and fellow students who can be role models for us and support us in supporting ourselves.
There are many gems in your blog worth re-reading several times. At present I am focussing on “Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”. It has helped me clarify that control is a bit like tossing a coin – you get either one or the other side, but either side is totally predictable and within the narrow confines provided, in other words: it is a controlled experiment with two and only two possible outcomes and neither engenders self-responsibility or self love.
Great blog Joel, you clearly reveal the inner battle over choices, and lift the cloak on control. I’ll ponder this more deeply over the next few days as there are some areas of my life where battles arise.
Great article Joel. We are taught from very young that we must learn to control ourselves, but there is no real focus on being loving with ourselves. By developing a deep connection we no longer need to fight against whatever it is we don’t want, there is a knowingness to just say no, an absoluteness that cannot be wavered.
So true what you write Joel, if there is a battle then we are already not with ourselves, nor connected to a true energy because when we are there is no battle. There is just a resounding yes to do what is most loving and supportive for our body and being.
I can feel the Truth in your blog and there is absolutely no battle in me knowing that. I feel the livingness of that has much room for deepening as I can still at times go into the battle both within and without…now, with your support, I will know that when I do so I am in control.
It’s such an effective way of distracting ourselves from what is truly important. If we indulge in the battles you speak of we delay taking full responsibility for our choices and we give ourselves an excuse not to be loving. Very clever!
Joel I really appreciate what you are sharing here. I have been aware of the inner battle too around control but hadn’t got to the same understanding that you have just taken me to. As you say so clearly “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself”. Thank you for this. I shall be coming back to this blog a number of times!
Thank you Joel – this line rings true for me; Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility. — I have never considered control in this way, but it made me stop in my tracks to realise that wow yes – control does take us away from allowing, acceptance and self responsibility. Of course I have spent a long time trying to tell myself control means safety, but it doesn’t at all, and with acceptance and allowance comes expansion. Thank you so much for this and letting me really feel the depths of control I have allowed.
Connecting to a way of living where there is no choice it simply just is , magical to feel and live in this surrendered state and way of being which is in marked contrast to trying to control everything . Beautiful Joel thank you for sharing this.
Tricia your comment really expresses the grace of this ‘surrendered state,’ where it just is.
It’s funny because, I’ve remembered people tell me to ‘just surrender’ and I’ve reacted to this because I’ve been afraid of giving something up that I’ve felt intrinsic to my identify. Usually in films or history it’s people battling for something they hold dear and surrendering meant choosing defeat/loss. So I was more fight to the bitter end including arguments.
But then I asked surrender to what? To you. And then it made sense, I was fighting myself – being and knowing myself. Surrendering is when I choose to come back to me. I can let go of holding myself at arms length.
As I read your comments, Karin and Tricia, I can feel myself questioning ‘how would that feel’, to just surrender? It’s as though the control in my body, is not wanting me to feel how I can bring this to my day. I know exactly how it feels to surrender when I’m having a session with a practitioner, but as I write this, I realise that I gradually lose that gentle, tender quality of surrender as control starts to seep back in.
Fascinating Joel, i can feel the battle in me as I read this blog, the part of me that clings to the control because it hides where I am truly at. Children are one of the greatest markers of this dis-ease. If I am focused on a target then everything in between gets driven towards it, my body become tense and the quality is lost. I know the battle is well and truly underway when I find the word “NEED” pops into every other sentence and begins to underpin much of my dialogue! On the days when I do feel a simple union between body and mind, I find there is NO NEED to look outside of myself, no projections or targets, simply a moment by moment enjoyment that feels amazingly spacious and brings a harmonious flow with those around me.
Lucindag, this is such a cue for us to know whether we are coming from love or control: “If I am focused on a target then everything in between gets driven towards it, my body become tense and the quality is lost”. I know for myself, whenever I have defined ‘success’ as the achievement of some target/activity that I have set for the future, then I have been known to do whatever it takes to achieve it, even if it means stretching myself and my body to the point of exhaustion. It brings in control and not to mention high levels of frustration because of my investment in an outcome so that I can feel that I have met my notion of success. This is non-sensical. This is crazy. What if success was really whether I stayed in a loving rhythm throughout the day? How would life play out then?
Another inspiring blog Joel – your blogs are always a joy to read, although with this one I could feel the resistance so I feel I will need to read it a few more times – and let go of the control. I look forward to returning to your blog as I continue to let go of control.
Such a beautiful and honest sharing Susan. A great example of someone not fighting resistance, but recognising that it’s there and being willing to keep facing what you feel resistant to. I take great inspiration from this approach.
I realise while reading your blog Joel, how much control there is in my life, to be a certain way, to be on time, to be healthy, to be secure and the list goes on and on. ‘So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of?I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ A big Ouch and just go on to expose the control and support myself to make love my way is all that I can say.
Thank you for sharing your process to discovering the ‘battle’ it is so illuminating and I can relate to it well. It is so true when you write, “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.”
Talking about the battle is also what really caught my attention here; I can feel that it is very easy to become attached to the battle, to something that causes friction and movement and then draws a line between so-called good and bad, depending on the outcome. I can see now that either way, it has absolutely nothing to do with loving or appreciating myself and everything to do with control, just another version of it.
Why do we allow ourselves to indulge in winning the battle, when in fact we know the outcome even before wasting time, energy and resources in this self-created battle? Thank you for this amazing and inspiring blog Joel.
Such a marked feeling is this, knowing what we are choosing, yet choosing it anyway! Looking at it all with some distance, it does look like an indulgence, in a battle that can never be won, something only to entertain and arouse the spirit within us, something that only serves to separate us from each other and our own divine love.
I can relate to Joel’s inspiring blog with a parallel experience. During the ups and downs of the drama I have needed to have in my life I used to call a good day one where no-one hassled me or there were very few problems, and a bad day where people were causing me lots of problems and things in general were going wrong.
But the truth was, both the good days and the bad days were all part of the SAME unhealthy cycle. And only when I started to become consistently steady in myself each day did I realise that every day could be the same as the last – one lived with a consistent enjoyment and inner strength… without ups, or downs, just me being myself irrespective of what was going on in the world around me.
Very true Michael Kremer – we know the outcome of indulging in winning the battle. It is always a choice to play this game or not.
Good point, somehow we seem to like the battle although we hate it. Basically we fight our inner knowing, truth and responsibility by indulging in the battle, totally absorbed by the illusion of why the battle seems to be so important. We tell ourselves the lie to believe the lie to stay in the lie to be as ignorant as possible of the truth we already know.
Great question Michael and one that we do need to ask. For me, it has been an investment in “getting things done” – tick everything off the list for the day. By compromising what I feel and know to be true by doing this, I have negated honouring myself in each moment. This has stemmed from a lack of appreciating and accepting myself for who I am. Instead I have bought into the what and how much I do. As Joel said above “control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”. By accepting myself for the amazing woman I am and honouring myself in that I am taking responsibility for the quality I bring into each day, for myself and everyone.
‘Why do we allow ourselves to indulge in winning the battle, ‘ Great point Michael. It is like we get some self-gratification that we have won against the odds, defeated the adversary, and can now rule over it. For what? The recognition of being a success. But it is not success, because with this approach we will always be at war.
Great question Michael …… now feeling so much more enlightened around the topic of control and how it ‘runs’ us, having read Joel’s amazing blog at least 5 times ….. why would I allow myself to continue to indulge in winning a battle? I now have the awareness to recognise the ‘control’ and to also know that I’ve chosen to disconnect. I feel the answer to your question is, more self love required. If I still choose to indulge, it’s showing me I need to up the anti on my commitment to self love. The more buckets of love I pour into my foundation, the more solid I will be in myself and the harder it will be for me to choose to disconnect and for the ‘control’ to override.
Another level of madness exposed. We know the outcome of the battle, having fought it so many times before – the comfort of familiarity over truth – it makes no sense.
Hmmmm – well said Michael. To me this feels just like having a tantrum. I know I’ve lost this battle, but I’m going to stamp my feet anyway.
Control is a big one for me and this powerful blog which is full of wisdom I will most definitely be returning to. Recently, I have become more aware of control and how it plays out in my life. It can be very subtle in my thoughts and in the comments I make. What I recognise more deeply from reading this blog is how I make things complicated as a means of control instead of surrendering and keeping things simple. Thank you Joel for sharing your clarity on a subject that affects every body to some degree.
Agreed Caroline – the feeling of complication is a big marker for me too of my need to be in control. Well said.
Hi Joel, I was reading your blog and at the end I smiled and actually thought that my name could be there. In relation to all aspects you’re describing. It is wanting to understand life, having a recipe for life where as all the effort made from here makes me actually feel disconnected from life. The thoughts in my head can go on and on and on and I have to say that there’s such a familiarity to it that I catch myself often being with those thoughts rather than connect back again to myself. I love walking and feeling how my body actually loves the walking. With every step I take I am either confirming and deepening my relationship with me or adding to the control. It is that simple and that responsible. I understand but definitely not living the responsibility to the level that I could. Or should says my mind. Where as this is the point. It’s not a doing, first. Yes, it has to go into action, but it starts with a connection to myself first. The fact that I’ve chosen all my life to do without being connected with me is something I still try to avoid feeling. ‘Hoping’ that there’s another way out, which says it all ‘out’. Taking responsibility is also feeling and accepting that I am indeed a Loving and Genuine man that is worth it to be Appreciated and Honoured. Writing this creates already a different rhythm within my own body. The opposite of control. Thank you Joel for writing this blog.
Floris that word ‘familiarity’ really jumped out at me. I have such a familiar way of thinking, which often involves planning ahead, or sifting through things in my mind. Recently I have been pondering how it would feel to not have these thought patterns in my life. A part of me up until now has reasoned that my planning is part of self loving, organising my day so that it supports me but very recently I have felt a ‘gripping’ in it, which is another way of saying control. A tightening that wraps itself around my day but one that I don’t get to feel unless my day doesn’t go the way that I have planned it. It feels to me now very similar to what Joel has described and that is an appendage on my life that results from a lack of connection to myself.
Yes we are fooled, it is not about will-power but connecting power! But who makes a fool out of me, if I am the one who makes the choices? Ouch.
Thank you Joel, there is a sincere simplicity about the way you describe what ‘just is’ due to a choice already made to be the love that you are and the battle of a choice derived from an already made choice to be less than the simplicity you were to begin with. Fascinating it is to see the next levels of control being exposed and lit for ease of viewing, so that we can appreciate more of the those moments where we know what love is.
Cheriseholt I agree to begin again to appreciate the love that we are builds space for more love and then we can appreciate more so on it goes – now this is a cycle that I want to be in. The love cycle 🙂
Beautifully expressed Cherise…’there is a sincere simplicity about the way you describe what ‘just is’ due to a choice already made to be the love that you are and the battle of a choice derived from an already made choice to be less than the simplicity you were to begin with.’ It is so important to understand deeply that no matter what the battle is we are already fully what we are seeking. The ‘just is’, is always there! Joel has described the tension between this and our wanting to identify with our individuality, so beautifully and you have also expanded this for me. Thank you.
‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have’. Simple and profound: the difference between perceived and and true choice, with the imposter gloriously exposed.
Thank you Joel and all of those who have commented as it is a collective effort that has helped me to really understand what is being said here. I now feel like I get it. The connected state is unencumbered, it is a flow with no interruption. When we feel indecision, the add on of a pause for consideration, the addition of deliberation, the stuckness of control then this indeed is pure paraphernalia.
‘So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection..’ Actually a very simple marker, but still I try and do control… instead of just stopping and reconnecting with what ever feels right at that moment for me. A walk, a sit down, a telephone call with a friend…
I found this quote very profound as well Sonja… it’s an awesome reminder for me.
Yes Sonja and arieljoymuntelwit I found this quote profound also, one hint of battle, this is a great reminder to stop and re-connect.
Well-spotted and repeated – one ‘hint of battle’ is a brilliant flag waving for us to stop, re-connect and let go of the managing that keeps us out of the true flow of life.
Well said matildaclark, when there is any hint of a battle there is no true flow. So simple and so profound.
Well said Sonja, it is interesting that even when we have a marker of the fact that we are controlling a situation we can still continue in that way, I know for myself afterwords that by taking stock of how separated I feel from my body then it gives the platform to stand on and express to myself that I no longer want to continue in a down-ward spiral of control
I had to read and read your blog again four to five times as there was so much of me not wanting to accept the what is and finally to realise how many controlled choices I was still making daily. There is so much to look at simply because of the choices that I have been making up to now.
I love the normality of this quote “I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like. For the record, this is worth celebrating and appreciating.” imagine if we we all got brought up considering the relationship we have with ourselves first…we would live from a place of inner knowing rather than looking outside to understand what is happening in life. It is worth celebrating that you live from this place.
It is true Samantha, if this was not something we arrived at after a period of learning but rather was something that was taught and lived, the world would be a very different place.
I agree Samantha ‘ imagine if we we all got brought up considering the relationship we have with ourselves first…’ – if that was the norm in our societies, that would be world changing.
A vision and inspiration for us all – bringing up our children in a way that supports their natural relationship with themselves first. A foundation of responsibility that would be a very beautiful life led in communion with humanity.
I agree Samantha and Matilda, having this awareness now is also a reflection for our children and actually for everyone else we reflect this to.
Whenever we think we are in control, we are in the deepest illusion. Our actions are the end results of the energy that we choose to live by. We are puppets of energy, so we are never in fact in control. In understanding this, the whole idea is really crazy. Trying to assert control is a reaction to hurts being triggered. Hurts that have been buried and chosen not to feel. So we must be choosing to align to an energy that is irresponsible by its very nature and makes life about the individual and his/her hurts. Perhaps the antidote to control is in acceptance. Accepting ourselves and other for who we/ they are, which allows us to be humble enough to accept that we are in fact not as much in the driving seat as we think. Or as we like to think we think… that we think. Trying to control is a good indication that there is a hurt that we are holding onto. So it becomes a chicken and egg situation. Which came first? The need to be in control and not having it, so getting hurt? Or getting hurt by something then needing to control? It doesn’t much matter because either way we are in the vicious cycle of the emotional enthral that the human spirit loves. And round the merry-go-round we go again on planet earth school!
Joel, I found this blog so enlightening, giving a real clarity on the difference between ‘loving choices’ and ‘controlling choices’ – thank you for sharing.
I once unexpectedly was informed by a friend that I was controlling. This to me was unexpected as I had no idea that I could be labelled as such. But on reflection I discovered that my then need to know the outcome or how something was going to look or be like at the end of a sequence of events was indeed a form of ‘control’. Thankfully I am more aware of this trait now, and am learning to ‘trust’ the unfolding of whatever is the specific thing that has an end result and allow the flow of the process, becoming more able to accept not having to know how the end of whatever it is has to be but more ably now to trust, allow and ‘just see what happens’.
“I’ve learned that there is a big difference between loving choices and controlling choices” I really resonate with what you have written here Joel, the distinction you have made feels very clear and supportive.
I have just felt another level of responsibility that needs to be exposed, thank you Joel.
Wow Joel, this was an absolute blessing to read…. it is littered with so many gems I am in awe of what you have offered. Thank you for so powerfully highlighting the deception and delay in controlling choices and the simplicity, effortlessness and evolution in the loving ones that come from a connection that once chosen then requires no choice. Super awesome.
Wow Joel, how very exposing of the difference between loving and controlling choices. While the outcome may be similar, that is the same food choices, the process is completely different. Loving choices are very easy to make, there is no battle.
Lee thank you for highlighting this – its gold. This shows how much I am still in control instead of living the love that I am.
I agree Lee – this is a very important point, we can force and control things to happen, but that will always be at the expense of our bodies, that goes into anxiety and hardness. It is indeed a different process.
Joel this is brilliant. I have felt times when it’s not even a choice to choose to move, eat, express in a way that supports my connection. I am simply connected and feeling very natural. It’s so natural there’s no thought required. I’ve been surprised at there being no battle.
Rather than accept this I’ve chosen control – the control of trying to own this moment- rather like trying to catch light in a box. I’ve stopped choosing being open and present and realise I’ve lost my connection. I then to try clamber back to a point that I’m holding myself to as when I was ‘good,’ but all I need choose is me again.
How wonderful to simply choose what will support my connection.
Joel, thank you for delivering this in such a simple way, I am beginning to expose how much control I use, and I have never seen it as clearly as I do now. Observing how control plays out within myself is a bit of an ‘Ouch’ moment, as there is more than I had realised. All work in progress, so there is also appreciation for being able to observe it too.
There is a disconnection with others, as well as self, with control. It’s very lonely as you’re shutting yourself off from feeling, it becomes all about the mind, as you say, Joel. Yes, it is a miserable place to be.
I love this line Joel “if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection”. This is a great glue for getting ourselves back on track when the mind chatter is there.
“When food is a loving choice, I look at the food, I know I don’t feel great after eating it and I go “Why would I?” There is no battle because I have connected to myself and not to a mental picture of how great it might taste, or how deserving I am. In that moment there is no choice to be made, it just is.” The idea that a loving choice is not really a choice but simply ‘what is’ is a revelation for me Joel. Thank you for sharing this.
Joel I love how you have exposed that “the battle” is not it and another form of control. I know this only too well within myself. The battle of the mind. I am able to catch myself much more quickly these days and if I feel that battle go on, I know that I have disconnected from me. Thanks for sharing and offering a deepening of awareness around this interesting topic.
Thank you Joel. I have been aware of a very similar thing for myself for a while. What’s interesting for me is that I like to think that I have not chosen control at all, and have the facade of being ‘cool, calm and collected’ But if I honestly look at it it’s the ‘battle’ you speak of that’s the give away. If I feel where my body is it’s right in the middle of that, feeling every little bit of tension. The other thing that I have observed at this time is that when I am in control mode there is an uncertainty, which makes perfect sense really. Where when I am making truly loving choices for myself, I just know. This is fabulous to ponder on and I will take this into my day.
This is so very interesting to ponder on and map out the ways in which it plays out in all areas of life.. It’s the difference between a sense of ease and a tension of battle, chalk and cheese really, and supporting its own exposure as such.
Jennifer a great point that there are many times when we don’t think we are trying to control the situation yet have an internal battle going on. It’s great to see that for what it is – control. It will certainly bring far more awareness about the extent of control in all areas of life. The ironic thing is I know I’ve sought control too so there are no surprises yet there is a deep uncertainty in the control itself.
I love how you clearly show that “happy go lucky” can also be a form of control – one I witness daily, also. I observe that if I start to call out what is happening in a situation, those who have a vested interest in that particular drama or stays quo, will call “Negative! Why aren’t you being positive like the rest of us??” To me it’s more “positive” to call out both the reality and the truth of a situation, rather than pretend it’s not there and keep uttering “Be positive,” as though it were some sort of sacred and magical mantra. In this instance, the “mantra” is a form of control and an avoidance of dealing with what is there to be dealt with. As you say, Joel, an avoidance of responsibility.
Joel as I sit with your blog I can feel more layers unravelling of what it means to truly relinquish control. Control keeps us trapped in the mind and keeps us individualised not accepting surrendering to all we are and that we are part of a much bigger plan. While we are busy controlling we are delaying our true connection to ourselves and each other and there is no ‘self responsibility’ as you mention… and also no evolution.
So many profound insights you offer here, Joel. I particularly like the one about the battle of apparent choices still being part of control. It is so easy to feel self righteous when one is processing and focussing on making the right choice, and to claim that one is progressing. Not so, as you say. Loving choices unfold naturally when we are aligned and then there is no battle – it is simply what needs to be done. Awesome insight – thank you, Joel, for unmasking the battle hungry control of pretender!
I cannot overstate how powerful this was to read Joel – it is like you directly tapped into my experience, and I would guess , many others too. The crystal clear way you outed the battle is brilliant – how powerful to see that this war that I let rage on inside is just a distraction from true connection with me.
A distraction and a delay from living the simplicity and the ease of ‘just being’ and living with ‘full knowing’ in more and more moments of our day. As always with Joel’s writing, this has been a super supportive blog that I related to greatly and has supported my life from this point onwards.
Wow, you put that so simply. I’ve noticed how complicated I make things, and how dramatic, when I’m stuck in that battle. When the choice is loving, there is just a natural ease, I love it, thanks Joel.
Thank you Laura for putting such beautiful and clear words to it. That is exactly how it is: whenever this natural ease is not there, it is time to stop and honestly look what we are up.
Thank you Joel. So much wisdom here. Control is such a huge part of most of our lives, and very much encouraged in society – ‘the heroic battle won’. I love the differentiation you make between loving and controlling choices, a great one for me to remember and notice.
A great question to ask Joel. This is definitely a blog to read over and over again. Control has been a huge part of my life yet it has only been the last year or so that I have been able to see that the control was there, and how I had allowed it to rule my life. This sentence is so true Joel I can recognise the working hard and the feeling of pride when I fixed or overcame a problem, not recognising that really I was not going anywhere or changing anything. “The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind. Winning the battle filled me with pride, of sorts, as I celebrated my ability to work through a situation and work out why I did what I did. As I say, this awareness is a good first step and it used to be enough, but not lately.”
Yes and isn’t it crazy how we value things which we have struggled to reach – more than things which have come with ease? They seem not to be worth enough. If I look back in my life, I regretfully have to say that I have not appreciated things in my life, which happened with lightness and joy. I chose the way of control. Definitely something I started to change and need to allow more and more in my life.
Sonja – this is such a great point. I too have held this belief that if its hard and there is struggle to get there then there is greater value. Instead of appreciating the ease of when something happens that has been magnetically pulled towards me, the focus quickly goes back on to the focus. Definitely some thing to turn on it’s head, and accept the ease of living as a Son of God on Earth.
I really loved how you exposed that control is another way for us to not be connected. You have brought about another level of awareness for me.
Thanks Joel, I love this…it all comes back to our re-connection. It is true, I have found the same, if I make choices from the mind, ‘right’ ‘wrong’, control perspective there is no love in them at all and they don’t hold. They may even appear supportive but are actually harsh and controlling on the body. I find if I am living in a loving way with myself, accepting and allowing as you say, my choices align and naturally reflect that without any effort. If I start ‘looking’ for some filler I know I have lost connection with me and do not want to feel something. So much wisdom is available for us through our bodies.
Spot on blog Joel, I was just having a conversation with a friend about food choice and how they become a choice of love not will. We hadn’t come to the point that it’s control, which makes perfect sense. Thanks Joel I got a lot of food for the soul out of that sharing.
“The battle itself is just another layer of control”. Joel, this is a huge realisation for me. It is amazing the levels of control that we hold. We think we have let go of control, but then up come these very subtle layers that still actually are control. Thank you for alerting us to these more subtle layers. A lot more to let go of. But I guess that will go on for some time yet, as more and more subtle layers are found. Still very much a work in progress, but oh, such a worthwhile task, quite exciting as we find more and more.
Yes Beverley it is exciting as we find out more and more. Long gone seem to be the days where I couldn’t stand seeing, hearing or reading another thing ‘wrong’ with me or another thing to ‘fix’. When I read Joel’s blog there was a spark of excitement because I have been wanting to explore control further. Further sparks as I read the blog and truths jumped off the screen. The unfolding process is now a delight, because we have brought gentleness, tenderness and love to our bodies from the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. It’s all, well, kind of digestible now.
I can so relate to what you share here, Joel – the inner battle of control. I have also experienced the opposite, acceptance, and I know which feels amazing in my body, which is the loving choice. Thank you for exposing the ‘game’ of control so clearly.
“Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility”. What I realise is ultimately I am not allowing and accepting I am a Son of God and it is my responsibility to claim this known fact in every cell of my body and live the truth of this wisdom. Oh yes, I have been an expert at controlling the situation! To live anything less than a Son of God causes a lot of battles, misery, distrust, protection and it hurts more than I have been willing to admit … Until now! Awesome blog … Thanks Joel!
Yes Kristy I hadn’t considered this before either and found this blog super powerful and one to keep pondering on when in the midst of trying to control something or someone. I find it amazing that once something is called out like this how powerful it can be to make people choose another way. One blog has the power to change so many lives. Another reminder to always speak up as I can see this blog assisting so many people.
Joel, this is an amazing blog. So powerful, I have gone back and read it several times. The wisdom shared here has the power to expose the struggle people are in and how to take the reigns back on their choices. Amazing!
Just brilliant Joel. I loved, ‘ when it is a loving choice – it just is.’ Keeping choices simple and a great reminder for when there is a battle, to stop and re-connect.
Oh yes Tracy – I love this too – ‘when it is a loving choice – it just is.” Then there is no doubt, no wavering, no issue, just clear and easy.
Superb article once again Joel and how familiar are we all with the inner battle? I never had very good self discipline so often the battles were quite short lived and I would cave in to those controlling choices. I love the way you have come to realise that the merest hint of an inner battle starting means that you have lost your connection, because as you say, when we are making loving choices, it feels effortless, because there is no other choice to make.
What a timely read, thank you Joel. Today I realised how much I am controlling my life and how I thought I needed my day to be in a certain way to be loving. Like today I had to do more than usually and noticed how I constantly was going to the future and worrying about not getting it all done the way I had imagined it. I could feel in this moment that actually this was all making my present moment not pleasant and less loving as I was pushing myself. I realised the only loving way to live is to be present and enjoying every moment and not by controlling and being in the future. Your blog makes total sense with this, thank you for bringing in about the battle and what it truly is, this I will take into my days.
That’s gorgeous Lieke. I had a similar realisation the other day. I have recently applied for a job and I went into living what it would be like. Needless to say I felt quite anxious. But I realised I do this often, imagine situations and outcomes and by living this it keeps me completely away living lovingly in each moment. This is control at a very subtle level and is exhausting. I can see too how this way stops me from simply enjoying me and enjoying others too. Control is a real downer.
A great call Lieke – I also realise that when I am not connected and with my body, I easily slip into what is laying ahead of me and lacing it with the need to control.
Yes I love that Eva, the connection with our body is key.
Goodness so much is here where do I start!? ‘I am at a stage in my relationship with myself where I know what making a loving choice feels like.’ Absolutely this in itself is very much worth appreciating and celebrating. Secondly you have beautifully exposed that the battle within (control) is actually to do with being locked in the mind. I have really been feeling this battle/control element within my body over the last few months and how my mind thinks it is completely separate from the body and gets the last say with everything, so for you to express this so clearly is great. If I were to describe myself I would not say I was a controlling person at all but in a recent session with a Universal Medicine practitioner what was revealed was how much within my body I do control .. from not relaxing my arms but controlling how I move them instead of surrendering to the support that was offered. I also really love how you share control is actually not taking full responsibility of oneself and that when you bring love into the equation control no longer has a hold. And this is beautifully honest and resonates with where I am at at the moment ‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ In that I am delaying reconnecting when I know there is only a loving way to support myself.
Wow Joel I love how you have shared the difference here. I can feel the loving simplicity of a choice being ‘it just is”. I can also feel the battle of the mind games to keep me from my own connection, justifying a further delay to my inner lovely connection. Thank you for your loving wisdom.
Another super blog from you Joel. I could easily relate what you have written to my own ‘battles’ with ‘control’. Your blog has deepened my awareness of some more of the hidden traps where ‘control’ and I have been playing games of hide and seek. I particularly appreciate your line ‘The battle itself is just another layer of control.’. Sometimes I get caught up in the complexities rather than putting those to the side and getting on with returning to a steadiness where any answers I am seeking are there waiting for me. It’s still an unfolding area and I appreciate the support of blogs such as these which strengthen my understanding along the way.
Joel what you have shared really got my attention as I relate to going into the battle of control. What I have noticed is the battle of control at either end feeling better or feeling bad about myself in preference to when I’m making a loving choice there are no winners or losers, just a feeling of that feels right without any rah rah.
I see that, too, Sharon, that we are confirmed in our loving choices simply by virtue of them feeling right ( and usually lovely, too!) and there is definitely no rah rah stuff. In fact, rah rah seems to arise in those situation which ARE’NT right, in order to make it look and sound as though they are right.
Phew! Mind games!!
Yes I can relate to your comments, Sharon and Coleen24. It’s incredible the mind games we play to make us not feel worthy or feeling better about ourselves. I have noticed recently how my mind will justify (and it will come up with something pretty clever!) to make myself feel better about something I have done which has not been loving. I hadn’t realised until now how sneaky and controlling this way of being is.
I can relate to that Sharon, when I’m with my body I consistently feel good so then that beautiful, good feeling becomes normal and you don’t need to have the high and low moments.
Yes, the use of control can be very sneaky and sometimes before you realise you are right in the thick of it. It’s not until after, that you feel its restrictive, needy hold and can then call it out.
Thank you Joel – this is a great blog on control and has left me to ponder much. Control allows us to stay in something that is familiar to us and limits us to a particular way of being. And it does take quite big leap to let go of a control one has been used to for so long and to allow for the day or the event or activity to unfold of its own accord. Its like everything inside is battling – just as you have described in your blog. And the battle is itself hard work and discipline which then follows by patting yourself on the back when we do what we deem to be the ‘right thing’. There are those times when I have let go of control, have gone with what I know to be true, and then I get this feeling freedom – despite the sadness and a feeling of freakout because this is not familiar and I am letting go of an old and familiar way of being. As you have said it comes down to a simple choice and from here we can grow or we can stay where we are – the stagnation is a choice just as the growth is a choice. So my question is: who is really in control here when we choose stagnation and who is really in control here when we choose to grow?
A great comment, Henrietta, yes, it is such a wonderful feeling of freedom, those times when I actually let go of control, it will be great when those times are more familiar to my body, maybe then it will become easier to actually truly let go of control more and more. A great question you end with, I would prefer the second scenario, to have God in control when I choose to grow. Then I will truly be part of The Plan. Some way to go yet though. I do though, love the saying of Jesus, “your will not mine oh Lord”. That becomes a big reminder for me.
Control has been something I realise I still do so much of and to read your blog was an inspiration. To recognise that when I am love making a choice is not necessary because love simply is whereas that inner battle shows there is no connection. Wow now that is revealing, thank you.
As always Joel, a deeply inspiring and provoking blog that you present. Your wisdom shines through and brings simple clarity to controlling ways. Thank you!
Yes I just love ‘Joel blogs’. Always written in such a simple yet profound and powerful way and always leaving a blog to really ponder on and to connect to through your day.
I fully agree Stephanie with your expression here, Joel’s blog is so simple and clear, makes it so much easier to pinpoint all our little control issues…
There is much for me to learn here Joel which I can partly tell by the way I was not able to read all your blog with clarity and focus. Definitely going back to the top to start over. Hmmmm………..delay here so therefore control is rearing its petulant head. I have a joyous feeling it’s on the run 🙂
Lucy i too found Joel’s blog difficult to read, it feel like if i truly understand what is being said then i will have to wave goodbye to a long term superficial friendship thats been holding my life together….ouch!
It is amazing isn’t it how our bodies can be controlled by our mind, which is trying to control what is allowed into the body, while the body is actually trying to say ‘yes’ to something? I find that pretty much all my mind wants to do is to understand something so that I can store that knowledge for use later and therefore control what happens, while the wisdom of my body just lives what is happening now no matter what has come before.
“The battle itself is just another layer of control.” Using food here is a great example … particularly given the many diets that people try to lose weight. Yet as I have allowed myself to be more gentle and tender and understanding with myself, the foods that once called out my name no longer have any appeal. I’m not using control with this, it’s just no ‘desire’. As I have changed, so has my relationship with food.
Yes I agree Maree. Certain foods that I battled with and tried to be good and not eat are no longer tugging at me to either be strong and not eat or cave and eat those chippies and feel awful afterwards. It just is now. And that feels really lovely and supportive to the body.
Joel thank you. This makes complete sense to me, and seeing the battle I so often find myself in for the merry-go-round of delay it is, clearly brings to light how crazy it is to not nurture and honour my connection.
I love the recognition that battle or struggle with something (or even someone) is trying to control the situation. Revelatory, Joel! Thank you.
Yes Naren and this battle and in my case with someone is of relevance to me at this time. What’s most interesting is I can see the control big time in my reflection but I had not been willing to see it in myself as controlling the situation until now.
I agree Naren – Thank you Joel for presenting this revelation before us all to consider and see the control for where and what it is. You have deepened my understanding of control.
Control, This has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I used to think that it was my friend. I could seem to control most things. Once I had set my mind on something I could achieve it by control. I could control my eating. I chose to lose weight so controlled my eating and lost 70kilos. simple as that right? Wrong. The clue for me was here. I don’t need to ‘set my mind’ to anything. I just need to lovingly connect to my body and it will tell me what I need to eat. I have also seen control creep in to other areas of my life. Control with children, and the list goes on.
This is such a beauty Joel! You have captured and articulated the topic of control so simply and accessibly that it inspired an ‘Aha! moment within me! How deceptive and illusive our need for control is within the battleground of the mind in contrast to the allowing and surrendering to the presence and simplicity of our body and ourselves.
Just reading your comment Marcia, I felt myself surrender to the presence and simplicity of my body and how much this is the antidote to control. Control is a biggie for me – as it is for many – and it does feel like a battle. I loved what you wrote Joel at the end of the blog that with even the slightest whiff of a battle, you have lost connection. I will keep that in mind today to see where that plays out for me as well.
Yes, surrendering in the body is big for me, Marcia. i know this from the way I have been revealing lots of hard, holding patterns in my body that were placed there by how I was in control mode, from myself or from others, over a lifetime. It is incredibly exposing when those patterns start to show themselves, as we learn to surrender more and more to our natural energy. Reading any body will surely reveal how we have all been invested in controlling …no ignoring that very physical fact.
This is beautiful Marcia. Surrendering to the simplicity and knowing of our body rather than getting lost in the battle that goes on in our mind.
Indeed Marcia, this dishonesty, this illusion begins with ourselves, for our minds, connection seems impossibly simple.
Such an enormous contrast…it’s crazy really that 2 vastly different experiences can happen in the one body…and it all comes back to a simple choice.
Absolutely Sara – it is crazy when we consider that it comes back to the simple choice we have.
Yes, wow, well said Marcia… there is often times that I am not surrendering to the stillness and grace of my body but staying hard to feel the struggle. Then when people ask me how do I feel about something, I find it very difficult to express what I am feeling because I’m locked away in my mind trying to control!
I agree arieljoymuntelwit, it is not easy to express when we are letting the mind run the show and not at all honouring the body – yet we are masters at doing it. It is interesting how most of us have been brought up as well as educated completely ‘upside down’.
Joel, I guess I will read your blog over and over again…Control is a big issue in my life still and I am very much inspired by your words. You reveal what the battle we put ourselves in does and that this is actually pure control. Very interesting and I will ponder on that deeply. THANK YOU*
Good question Joel. I start to realize as well, that there is not much to control in life apart from the fact, that we can choose the energy for our body.The opposite of control is for me to accept and to trust life. Once I let go of the control life will unfold and life is coming towards me.
Beautifully expressed Alexander and the idea of control is an illusion as control in-truth does not exit, however you are spot on with the fact that we have a choice in each moment to choose to be ourselves or not and that is a choice ‘SIMPLY A CHOICE’
Control is not viewed often in this way Joel but this highlights just how much we often ‘need’ control to give us some form of recognition or imperfection. This is all in the face of living the consistency of loving and true choices that offer the amazingness and richness life could otherwise be.
It seems the only thing we are in control of is making life complicated, and even there is the question if we are really in control of that. I thank you Joel for making me aware of this.
The grand illusion of control. I know for myself that the constant struggle to ‘manage’ things in my head is exhausting, When I make it about connection to my breath and to my body and allowing things to flow in the knowing that my mind is my whole body, that illusion & the ensuing struggle takes a back seat & everything becomes very very simple.
That’s a great way to put it Helen “the knowing that my mind is my whole body”. The whole body. That really does put into perspective and context, the narrow control that comes from the mind.
I agree Helen, every time I fall for the need to control a situation it is easy for me to identify with a struggle in life and end up feeling nervous and anxious, when I choose to reconnect to me there is just an ease and flow to life.
So True Helen, this is a great big illusion, I get caught up in it too and find many excuses why I just don’t have the time right now to stop and connect. Or I will do it tomorrow kind of mentality where I am pushing it away and try to take the reins and feel like I am the one controlling my life. This is a huge illusion because when I consider my life and my experiences, they have been deliberate. Many experiences that feel perfectly set up for me and I did not control it, I had no say in these plans but plans are being played out…. so perhaps we aren’t the ones designed to do the planning… we can live connected and allow what needs to play out in our lives play out… as it’s already planned to.
Agreed Helen, the simplicity of life always comes back to the body and just staying with the breath in any moment, and surrendering to feeling it is such a simple tool, that beats control and complication.
Exactly Helen, when I choose control, right or wrong, good or bad, feeling or not feeling, emotions, walking with presence or not, focusing on my breath or not, having the upper hand or not, am I being of service or not, “who is in control”? It is part of the illusion we ‘manage’ and it is absolutely energy sapping or ‘exhausting’. To play like a baby in a world that wants us to grow up, and to take responsibility for the deep illusion and lies that exist, is a balancing act of continually returning to loving choices, with the absoluteness in knowing that each choice will bring another loving choice, which then brings a deeper awareness of the truly deep connection that is on the path of return.
Meaning that we are, as well, in control of making life simple – if we choose so.
Mr Joel Levin I love your writings filled with infinite wisdom. I know that battle you’re speaking of and it is a form of self-imprisonment, until we find a way to free ourselves. Universal Medicine has shown me that way and for this I am deeply and eternally in Love with this Work. To be able to come home to oneself and feel the love of one and all in our hearts is the greatest gift that we can give ourselves and the rest of humanity.
We are so clever at tricking ourselves to not think we are being tricked, but really we are not clever at all, because it was a trick in the beginning, like a dog chasing its own tail, round and around in circles we go. Great reading Joel.
Yes mathew brown, not so clever at all, the more we think we are in control, in truth the more we are being controlled.
Great question Joel, “So, if a loving choice is not really a choice, but I chose control, what am I really in control of?” I recognise the battle of control to manage life …the notion of not choosing really does bring me face to face with how hard-work ‘choice’ at that level is, as opposed to the simplicity you describe.
I have learnt that control is subjective it is only as big or as important as I need it to be at the time. If I get caught up chasing it . When I connect the need for control is simply non- existent.
My goodness Joel – you’ve done it again – thanks for a fabulous post. You explain, unravel and expose a familiar game here – I even felt shifty as I was reading it in an attempt to ‘control’ and delay the full impact of what you have shared. You really have made it uber simple – if there is any hint of battle look to my connection.
Joel there is so much wisdom here “I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.” The penny has just dropped – I have been using control to delay being all of me; to connecting to myself and to taking full responsibility. This is Gold! Now I can call it for what it is.
Joel, what a perfect read for me today! Thank you for the clarity you bring to how we can keep fooling ourselves, ‘thinking’ we are in control, ‘choosing’. I will re-read this one again and again, I love the revelation of how our spirit works.
I know I don’t feel great after eating it and I go “Why would I?” Joel this is so simple and practical and all it took was to connect, to feel that fact that there was no choice to be made – it was already made by that fact that you connected to yourself.
Now theres a great question. What are we really in control of? Not much in the grand scheme of things yet everything to avoid it!
This is sensational – so exposing of the games we play with ourselves to stay less. In fact I had to read this blog very slowly, and some paragraphs twice to really take it in, as there was a part of me (the controlling parts) that wanted to just skip over in order to remain in control and not be exposed. I love the fact that it just come’s down to one choice – to be connected with ourselves and who we truly are – or not. When we are not connected we can make all the “right” choices, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are the choices that are true and loving to what is needed by all in that moment. Thank you Joel for opening up the possibility of such a level of responsibility of our first and only choice.
I understand what you share here, Danielle, yes, I also can relate to not taking all this in well in the first read, I could feel the resistance come up. I have made a point of printing off this great blog, so I have a great reminder to re-read it really often until I truly take it all in. And then to support me in truly working on these deeper layers of control that I can now see are there. A very exposing and insightful blog.
Every day I see there is a choice to go with my flow, or go against it. Often going against the flow feels more normal or comfortable, but it’s just old ways we are familiar with and it is possible to break these patterns.
“So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control”
Awesome Joel. I have been in a situation recently where I disregarded my feelings and did not follow my first impulse, therefore prolonging something that was not true. I realise now that letting go of wanting to control a situation is an honouring of me and anything else is well… wanting to control through a need, taking me round and round in circles, when all it takes is to re-connect and trust myself.
The need to control is nothing more than a deep form of protection. After all, if we can control life, then we can stop ourselves getting hurt. Of course, the ludicrousness of this is that we cannot control life. And from time to time we do get hurt, and rightly so, because there is much in the world that is not true. When we understand this, we understand our propensity to want to control things, and what lies underneath such behaviour. But a much healthier attitude is, as you have expressed, to let go of the control, and rather just build a relationship based on honesty with all of life – the good, the bad, and the ugly. In this way, there is no judgment when we fall, just an honest assessment of what actually happened. This leads to awareness, and awareness leads to honesty, and through honesty we discover the truth that there actually is always a choice, even when there seemingly is none.
This is absolutely true. I know that when I’m attempting to control things it is about protecting myself from a perceived potential hurt, or from one that I have experienced previously. It is, as you say Adam, ludicrous! And yet the most powerful thing I can do is to become aware of the choices I am making and take responsibility for them. Hats off to the truth!
You have outlined the problem and the only answer here – thank you.
The example that you give re food is great Joel, I can relate to that! It really is that simple – either honour the body and what we are feeling or justify how we think we should feel according to what we think we deserve or because we think it should be healthy because someone else said so..
Control is a funny thing – I have found it at the root of a lot of my frustration in life – at work, at home, about myself – often when I get frustrated and annoyed, it is because I am unable to control something or its not going the way i expected or wanted. The problem with control is that it prevents us from appreciating life as it is and as it plays out naturally.
Yes I agree Rebecca. It makes me control something so that it is ‘right’ instead surrender and make it ‘true’.
Very well said Maree – do we ever stop to consider if what is familiar and feels comfortable and right is actually the right and true thing to do that we need.
Control is rather a dirty word and one that almost everyone on the planet Is affected by and spends a great amount of time using it. I am finding the need for having to control in some way, popping up a bit lately and really exposing for me the times that I seem to need it more than others, and its definitely when I have stepped away and disconnected. As when I’m with myself, there is such a lovely flow and rhythm with not an inkling of wanting to control anything, just enjoying myself in the allowance of what is there.
There is a lot of truth in this Joel. I could read it a few times over.
“The battle itself is just another layer of control.” Control really is a complicated merry go round.
Well said Annie, in reading it a couple of times I felt the penny drop and myself go to another level of understanding. The ‘battle’ is a trick we play and which can only lead us down one road and like you said, keeps us on the merry go round. True Connection is the only way forward.
And there is no fairy floss at the end either! So best to get off the ride and lessen the control.,,,life is much better without it.
Really beautiful Joel. I can relate to the battle and control which makes me think I’m working hard, but without true connection and responsibility . So many of your words really stood out, in particular:
“I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself…
My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have…” Thank you for sharing.
I really resonated with this Joel “The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind. Winning the battle filled me with pride, of sorts, as I celebrated my ability to work through a situation and work out why I did what I did.” This battle indeed makes us feel like we are deserving of a positive outcome, but have we just prolonged the opportunity to choose love.
Awesome sharing and insight Joel, especially this: “My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.” This is great to read and take on board every moment of the day, thank you.
Joel I love the way you have presented this blog. Being in control or being controlling of another is a common practice amongst most people. This control for me used to lead to complication and a tension in my body as I was always on the alert preventing anything from going wrong so I didn’t have to feel anything. Simplicity on the other hand offers a reconnection back with ourselves where we feel everything from our bodies and the choices made are loving to self and others.
Wow, lots to ponder here. Control can be tricky for sure – how much of what I am ‘thinking’ is only about managing any situation to my own benefit? In which case no matter how altruistic, good or bad, wrong or right I might make it seem it is only ever actually about ‘me’.
I will be back to read this again in a few days, thank you Joel.
Helen, you have made a very important point here ‘Control can be tricky for sure – how much of what I am ‘thinking’ is only about managing any situation to my own benefit?’ A question for us all to deeply contemplate.
I’ve now read your insightful article four times and each time I’m allowing myself to feel more deeply what you’re sharing. I can feel how imposing controlling behaviour is on others and equally, how limiting it is for me to and yet it’s the ‘safe’ program that I tend to resort to when I’m under pressure or feeling anxious and, as you share, not connected to my lovely self. It’s curious how I’ve had the perception that by having some control, it’s of benefit to me, it stabilises me, when in actual fact, it’s the opposite as it’s keeping me in a box and, as you share, in my head. I’m totally cut off from all the loving messages coming from my body, that feels everything.
‘In essence, I am prolonging my misery, even though I am convinced I am working for my best interest’ ……
At the mere hint of a complication, this will now be a big red flag for me to check in with myself first before doing anything else. Thank you.
Control goes hand in hand with familiarity, “The perceived safe and known way rather than feel a new and simpler way of being with life” I know when I think I am in control, it is all coming from my mind, what I think is ‘right’ and what I know I have done before and is a safe option, like moving in a certain way, saying a certain reply to someone, doing tasks in a certain order where as I feel so much grander when I don’t feel in ‘control’ but rather I am the one enjoying doing what needs to be done and there is no race against time to do them and I am not thinking about something else or wishing for the next thing whilst I am doing it, MAGICAL!
This resonates with me Harryjwhite. When simply being with me before doing anything, there is a completely different quality to how I feel and how things get done, everything expands and there is no sense of rush or time frames. –
:”I feel so much grander when I don’t feel in ‘control’ but rather I am the one enjoying doing what needs to be done and there is no race against time to do them and I am not thinking about something else or wishing for the next thing whilst I am doing it, MAGICAL!”
Well Said Stephanie “When simply being with me before doing anything, there is a completely different quality to how I feel and how things get done, everything expands and there is no sense of rush or time frames”.
Beautiful Joel. I feel what you are saying can also be expressed as making a choice as an attempt to ‘improve’ our lives. Which as you say, is a great first step. But it is not coming from a lived experience of true self worth and as such a desire to truly self care and nurture. To improve is a signal of being impulsed for self; compared to a desire to simply and naturally make loving choices for supporting and creating a body committed to serve humanity. The battle is a flag for so much. Wow. You have written about an awful lot here Joel and I don’t think I’ve done it full justice.
A lot to ponder on after reading your insightful blog Joel. Control is a battle and we always loose and it hurts the body. I love this ‘ So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.’ Thank you Joel.
What an absolutely perfect piece to read this morning. I woke up and instead of being able to stay with how I felt and appreciate myself, before I knew it, thoughts had crept in. I managed to catch them and asked what is this about?….CONTROL shrieked back at me. So what a timely delivery. For me it is where I go when all my defences are down, it’s an instant ally in times of adversity….or so I had thought it was. I now know it is anything but, for as you say, it is anything but love. I am learning to catch myself as the feeling in my body is huge, so that bit is easy, and although I know how to live another way, following this through is still not always second nature to me…yet!
Joel this was so so great to read. Thank you for outing the controlled choices with the food and divulging into that a bit more. A lot of insight on how we battle ourselves and make seemingly ‘right’ choices… Sometimes it feels like I’m just waisting time when doing it…. Now I know why. .. Cause it keeps me in limbo. Thanks Joel.
Amazing blog Joel. It’s so true that we can get into a game of control and think we are doing well, when ultimately we are still just going round and round in the mind and not being loving at all. I love how you say that if it’s a loving choice there really is no choice – it’s either loving or it’s not loving. In order to make a loving choice we need to be connected in order to love ourselves enough to be able to feel the loving choice and want to choose it. Thank you for exposing this so clearly.
The choice we have is to accept the simple ‘what is’ that is presented to us and when we do not accept that we have to go into control. With this we control our awareness of what this not accepting of the ‘what is’ that was presented to us leaves us with: a self chosen extended period of time of the misery to live our lives in. Thank you Joel Levin for writing this inspirational blog.
This is a powerful and honest blog and brings a clear understanding to the issue of control and the battle of choices that can arise in ones head.
I am beginning to feel for my self the surrender of letting go and the choice becomes one of a natural loving evolving flow with whatever is. I love your knowing that there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle.
Beautiful realisations Thank you Joel for sharing this so simply.
There is a great deal of stubbornness that is required for control to play out. Even when we are being seemingly laid back, there is a control and stubbornness about not committing, not being 100% present. This is a great blog Joel. When we are in the battle of right and wrong, we are in the shadows. When we are connected to our inner living truth, there is no battle because we have already aligned to what supports us and all ‘choices’ that follow are a result of us choosing to stay connected to our light.
Beautifully put Jinya. ‘When we are in the battle of right and wrong, we are in the shadows’. Powerful line.
love this.. – When we are in the battle of right and wrong, we are in the shadows.
Joel your sharing on the topic of Control is something that changes the very concept of what control is. It shows the depth that this affects everything and also makes me reflect on those times when I go to my head to make a choice between something I know is true and something that is not – why do that? As I could approach the same or similar situation another time and it not even be a consideration as I would have a greater connection with myself. It’s interesting though that since understanding more about being connected to myself I would still try and control myself back to connection in some way – trying to achieve the impossible – a battle indeed. Control is something for me to look at on a much deeper level.
‘control myself back to connection” … David, I have done this too when I could feel I was ‘out’ and used the same quality or energy in attempt to bring about connection. It’s impossible to achieve, and that’s why I end up with control instead of love. The key here that I feel Joel has presented, is surrender, and when we surrender, the way we express is oh so very yummy.
Another great article Joel , thank you for your insight. I can ‘control’ with my will power, (from my head) but the results don’t last for long and I can slip back into old patterns. In contrast, choices lovingly made (from my heart) are simple and effortless – if I am connected.
I love your blog, Joel, there’s no battle connecting to it. It makes so much sense, that if one is connected to love, then in reality there’s no choice, it just is. SO logical. With control comes willpower and the a t t e m p t to do the right thing, – hence it doesn’t come naturally, and the merry-go-round of doing/saying/eating the ‘wrong’ thing will continue until the love from within turns the choice into natural livingness.
Joel the quality of you comes through this blog, and it’s truly lovely. What an important contribution you’ve made for us all. I recognise the inner battles. The way you equate unsupportive choices as a form of control is something I hadn’t considered before. I’ve noticed when it comes to food, is how with some food, say chocolate, there’s no struggle at all, but with others, there is. This shows that I’m still attached to a maintaining a level of misery by choosing to stay on the merry-go-round. As you say ‘I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’
All is energy and all is because of energy. We are beings who are flown through by energy all the time – the energy we let in and through us define our expression.
There are only two types of energy – prana or fire. One energy is spiritual the other is divine. Which I choose will cause my actions, thinking and experiences.
So I have just this choice: Do I want to be controlled by prana or do I surrender to fire.
The idea of that I could be in control is already an illusion fed by prana.
Well said Annie, I said exactly the same, I want to re-read this blog, very fitting for many of us.
“The idea of that I could be in control is already an illusion fed by prana.” I have been pondering exactly that this morning too. What a huge illusion that is. Well said Sandra
Ah! this has made me smile Sandra – it makes such a non-sense of the sense of being in control –
“The idea of that I could be in control is already an illusion fed by prana”.
I know the control you speak of here Joel, especially when it comes to making more loving choices around certain food items which I know make my body feel sluggish, but eat them anyway – that’s interesting as I never saw it as control and have wondered why at times it can be so easy and yet other times there is a battle.
Thank you Joel. I have definitely been on the merry go round of control, not realising that I have been prolonging my own misery, thinking that I was making progress, but then not understanding why certain issues keep on coming up. You have profoundly helped me to understand this pattern of behaviour and start to let go of the need for control.
I enjoyed reading this article Joel. Your example of the battle with food shows why diets to control weight don’t work because it is always a control and an imposition and not a self-loving choice. I have found that by making self-loving choices about what I eat and drink makes me aware of so many other aspects of my daily life where I have a choice between control and a self-loving choice.
Thanks Mary, I like how you expanded the example to show how diets can be part of that control cycle.
Gosh how clever we are. We create some complications to then be busy with resolving them. Like you said Joel: it is a “merry-go-round of control”.
But is this really clever?
Depends on our intention I would say. If it is our intention to stay busy in order to avoid our true responsibility in life – it is, because it works.
Like you say Joel: “Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.” – So the question I can ask myself (and you) is: what is my intention? Do I want to be and express my true self, take my place in the big plan, or do I want to avoid truth and responsibility as long as possible?
Agree sandra, the game of control is a game of delay in our acceptance of the fact there is a much bigger plan going on here, that we each are a part of, and if we avoid the truth of this, we allow ourselves to be controlled by the energy of separation, not the love we are from.
I love what you share here Joel and a very familiar one for me too. Making the choice to surrender to the love we most naturally are really does free us from the battle that ensues when we try and take control. I love how you have taken the topic of control and turned it upside down to the truth of what is at play. A super supportive blog, thank you.
Once again Joel you have simplified the complex. This just shows the next level down that even when we feel we simplified something… have we just changed its name and moved on again.
I have a feeling that all this control stuff is just an illusion. We may think we are in control or making all these different so called good and bad choices but really the only choice we make is as to which energy we align to. There is a great free audio here http://www.unimedliving.com/voice/audio-of-the-month/everything-is-because-of-energy-2015-08.html that asks us to consider which energy we have chosen.
Thanks for this audio Nicola. It certainly gets to the heart of why and how we get onto the merry-go round in the first place and then how we can step off it.
Yes I completely agree Joel and really it is not a merry-go-round at all but a sorry-go-round-and-round-and-round until we finally see the insanity of it all and choose to step off!
Love this Nicola… a Sorry-go-Round …all the dancing horse, bright lights and music can no longer hide this fact.
Funny I was just reading another article on Unimed Living and this time it was all about a Misery-Go-Round with an image of a merry-go-round… reminded me of this comment. The article can be found here: http://www.unimedliving.com/diet-and-weight-loss/how-to-lose-weight/diet-solution/the-dieting-misery-go-round.html – this time it was a dieting very unmerry-go-round that many can relate to!
Great audio highlighting that there’s a constant creation of how we are.
Well said, Nicola, yes, the only true choice we make “is as to which energy we align to”. Thank you for the great link.
Thank you Nicola – this is a great audio link to listen to along side of reading this inspiring blog by Joel.
Awesome Nicola, it is indeed time we see the insanity of our choices.
This is a very insightful blog clearly delineating the many subtleties and levels of control. Thank Joel, I find all your writings bring me to a deeper understanding.
Another great piece of writing Joel! I love how you expose the controlled choice and how we fool ourselves with making good decisions from this controlled choice without making a truly loving choice. As you say a loving choice is no choice as there is only one way and this is awareness. Life is about deepening awareness, so there cannot be anything loving that separates us from awareness.
Great blog Joel I can so relate, and love what you say about why we keep the ‘battles’ going…’I am controlling how long I can delay reconnecting to a way of living where there is no choice, only a loving way to support myself.’ The simplicity of letting go and accepting the way things are is in my experience also akin to taking responsibility for the way things are… and in this, being open to a deeper awareness of what I am or am not choosing.
” … a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back … ”
This rubber band analogy is spot on, as I see it in myself and others all the time. I see people keeping themselves small due to controlling beliefs they may be unaware of, believing that life is to be that way. How freeing and expanding is life when we start to look at our beliefs and become aware of these hidden ‘drivers’ … and your excellent blog includes the vital love factor, without which life remains meaningless.
Wow this has taken my understanding of control to a whole new level. It has also taken my responsibility to connect or stay connected to myself to another level. And I am going to allow myself time to appreciate the deeper level of relationship I will now have with myself.
Wow, Joel, what a powerful blog – this is one of those where every paragraph I’m going ‘Yep, that’s me’ or ‘Yes, that’s true’ or YESSSSS absolutely!!’ When it feels like a battle we have lost our connection, this is so true. I have recently come to realise when it comes to food that I try to be good, try to get it right, but then get angry and belligerent and give up, breaking whatever rule I had set for myself, and then beat myself up for not being good enough. I know in my deepest heart that when I love and appreciate myself, these things I am eating now simply won’t be an issue. So the thing to work on is not stopping eating X Y or Z but simply to love myself more.
“My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have. SO choosing those things that support me in that connection, things like conscious presence, esoteric yoga, the Gentle Breath Meditation, all assist in reducing the battle that would otherwise ensue.”- so true what you say Joel.
I have found that if I am truely connected to myself Ioving choices are easily felt and made; if I am not consciously present with racing thoughts in my mind I am more likely to make unloving choices eg.eat more comfort or stimulating foods, or stay up later than my body wants.
Beautiful insight Joel. It is quite incredible the amount of effort we put into keeping ourselves disconnected. I agree, crazy logic with no love of any kind.
Great insight Joel, that illusion of thinking I have come to the right decision, without being aware of the fact that I was already disconnected from myself, already down the path of not really feeling what is true for me. When I am able to feel what is true, there is no choice, yet, considering, weighing up, thinking, etc. is such a default position, used for such a long time – without a clue as to what was going on. How much control is in my life, maybe more than I am aware of….
Wow Joel, prolonging my own misery, very simply, yet so profound on so many levels. It is true, what are we fighting to delay, our own connection and love of self. What happens to us that something so innately natural, one’s connection to self gets so lost and mis-construed and then we do all we can to avoid re-connecting. When we look at a baby we would never do anything to cause that baby to lose its connection, it is so deeply sacred and it is very rare for another not to honour that, but why and at what age does this change and why is it okay? Thank you to the many who are changing that way and showing others that it is safe to live that connection once again, no matter what the age.
I love it when I am beginning to look deeply at an issue in my life and along comes a blog about the very issue. Your wonderful blog has offered me so much to ponder on Joel and especially these words: ‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility “. For someone who really didn’t think she had many control issues, I feel it is time to look deeper. Thank you for the inspiration.
My gosh that’s it Joel – “The battle itself is just another layer of control.” It so is, a sneaky form of control thinking if I’m using discipline or commitment in any area of my life to keep on top of things. A great clue for me that I am using control is if I am trying or putting in lots of effort (that’s a big one too) that leaves me drained. With control there is no rest because at any moment something could change. The difference between control and making a loving choice is so clearly worlds apart, if I am completely honest.
Well said Aimee, discipline is nothing but control. For true freedom it is as Joel says, we need to just allow ourselves to be and feel what is true for us or not. We innately do know, as Joel says if we stop to listen to our bodies it will tell us what to eat. We have been programmed to believe this or that is good for us, yet it constantly astounds me that intelligent people put their total belief in this or that study that can never ever represent the whole. There is only one pure source of intelligence and that is the inner-heart, it is always considerate of the all. Try to get someone connected to their heart to shoot another and you will see it is impossible.
I can feel how exhausting control is. I can feel how exhausted I am because of the control I choose. It feels like it is time for some deep rest and letting go.
With control there is no rest because at any given moment something could change, I love this Aimee. If we allow life to unfold and therefor when we allow the day to unfold, anything can change for that matter. The moment I want to control, I start to feel anxious and this is a marker for me that I have lost my presence and my connection to myself.
A great point Joel—a loving choice is not really a choice, it just is—and this is truth. Loving choices are just natural, we would not really stop to say this is a choice, as it is a continuous flow of expression without pause, there is no need to dissect and deconstruct as everything that has happened builds the momentum to all that is coming.
Sometimes I would get into a battle of when to start doing something, wanting to control when I would have it finished, only to find that by setting a “plan” of how things have to be, what has to be done takes much more time and effort to complete. Yet when I simply feel what has to be done first, go do that, then accordingly take care of whatever that asks to be looked at, then whatever I have intially wanted to have done first, gets done effortlessly despite it being the last thing that is being looked at, and it is always done on time too. This simplicity is just too beautiful to ignore—why would we ever then choose to be in battle?
I agree Joel, working out stuff—does not work! Figuring things out is a form of control to not be in the absolute knowingness that we naturally are. Anything away from simplicity, we have chosen to not be a son of God. We are taught in the world that battles are our badges of honor, that we have worked hard and we are something in life and life then means something — how absolutely false all that is. In effect, working hard and in complexity and control is saying yes to being a son of man, disconnected to the harmony, flow and grandness of Divinity.
To not be in battle with myself, that is to not fight or delay the movement of evolution my body is naturally pulled to be in, there is a call to be super aware with every fibre of my being to everything that is being felt, to acknowledge and express all there is to be expressed. This is the only way I have found that would ease the continuous tension the body experiences when a battle occurs.
What I find to be true Joel is when there is dilemma, there is already a loss of connection, as you have also shared. Love has no fixed rules or guidelines to follow. If there is any dilemma, fixing it is not “IT”, but understanding why the dilemma arose in the first place, where in the process I have chosen to leave the connection with myself and why, is much more supportive. This is a super awesome blog, thank you.
“The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind” – this is revelatory Joel, as if we choose love, the truly easy and simple choice, then it is almost too smooth to be true – if we choose control we choose a battle, just to then identify with the fact that we have overcome or lost this internal battle. Either succeeding or failing is not the goal – being able to control the situation to achieve either elation or misery like on an emotional roller coaster, is the main goal of control.
Wow Joel, there are so many awesome points in this blog I can hardly choose where to begin to comment! When looking at loving choices vs controlling choices, I love your clarity on the ease of the former and the battle of the latter where you “…became good at spotting the issue and applying my discipline and commitment to overcoming it.” Me too. It’s true that the ‘battle’ shows that it’s control going on instead of love. And the whole battle is a kind of ‘after the horse has bolted’ situation. At least one scientist has come to the conclusion that by the time we stand in front of the fridge battling with ourselves over which food to have, it isn’t actually a choice because the real choice was already made long before (in the quantum field). That’s where Serge Benhayon’s support comes in – showing us how to set the foundation of choice where it truly is, in our connection with our innermost, facilitated by Conscious Presence, Esoteric Yoga and Gentle Breath Meditation. Then our ‘choices’ in the material world flow from that true connection instead of becoming the battle between illusions. “My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.” – yep, this is just good physics!
Joel, this is a drop of pure gold I had to read. “There is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle” – this is going up on my fridge.
Great contribution on the way control actually controls us; I can certainly relate to the battle and the ensuing highs and lows of either winning or losing these skirmishes, but the thing is that both winning and losing are still part of the struggle and have nothing at all to do with love and truth.
‘… winning and losing are still part of the struggle and have nothing at all to do with love and truth.” This is so truth Gabriele. It is still us being caught in the illusion … together with ‘right and wrong’. It is love or it is not love, makes it all so simple.
Trying to control things for me is my barometer for when I am not listening to or trusting what I already know and simply allowing things to be, as they are perfect just as they are. There is always something more to see, learn from or a deeper understanding on offer when I allow myself to connect. Yet when I am ‘controlling’ I am unable to to see this as I am forcing an expectation or perception of life or an outcome onto myself and all that is around me.
Rachel I love the expansion you have provided here on the gem Joel has shared for me: “There is always something more to see, learn from or a deeper understanding on offer when I allow myself to connect. Yet when I am ‘controlling’ I am unable to to see this as I am forcing an expectation or perception of life or an outcome onto myself and all that is around me” I really get how by the control I stop myself from seeing what life has beautifully constellated before me.
Just brilliant, Joel. You’ve just exposed a big one. That when we’re aware of being in the throes of making a choice, tussling with ourselves which way to go, we’re actually just in delay. It’s so obvious and yet so insidious. A loving choice just is. No tussle, no sense of achievement. Just confirmation of pure connection. Wow.
This is huge Joel. We are always out of control when we seek to control. And in connection, we have the power of true choice.
Exactly Kylie, ‘out of control when we seek to control’ ~ the ridiculousness of it all!!
There is no control with surrender.
Absolutely true Melinda, and no love without surrender
What came to me reading this post Joel was how awful and messy control feels and the sad fact of why we seem to value something greater or more when there’s effort involved (the battle you speak of) or when it’s harder. That when something’s easy, it’s value is dismissed or perceived as being lesser (than the battle). In simplicity comes ease or acceptance; in complication, control or manipulation.
It strikes me also how control = complication. There’s none of the ease and flow that’s possible in life, none of the allowing – and what we’re not allowing is simply the wisdom within. It is wise then to let go of the battle and follow the heart, body and soul.
I love what you have said here Victoria. There’s definitely no ease or flow in life when we are trying to control, it simply becomes a battle: a very complicated and unnecessarily hard one.
What a pearl of wisdom you share here Victoria. When we let go of control, complication melts away and allows the true wisdom of out heart to sing. Awesome thank you.
Joel, loved the part where you talk about how if you are connected then there’s no choice, it just IS and loved also about when there is a battle then that’s about control. never connected these dots, so thank you for your inspiring words. I will be using this understanding to help me with food choices, battles with self and other control issues I’ve experienced from time to time.
The example of food is a good one, isn’t it? Every day, several times a day for many of us, we are confronted with yet another opportunity to either make a loving choice or ‘go into battle’! Seeing it this way is a great opportunity to work with how identified we are with struggle – not just with food, but in all areas of our lives.
Joel, this is true self-development. When we really start to nut out what is going on with our choices, and the self-inflicted battles that we create, the truth becomes clearer and clearer. I love that you have reached the place where living lovingly actually stops being a choice, but simply a way of life. Really beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Control – the most evil of all evil. And I am the master of it. Through taking better care of myself, I am certainly more aware these days of how much have controlled things in the past, and have done very well at it I might say. This line said it all for me :’ The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.’ This is just it for me too Joel. I live with a belief that life is a struggle and therefore I create struggle through controlling everything, and it sure does keep me locked in my mind and often unable to feel my body at all. My growing awareness of this has been my saviour, and slowly slowly I am able to let go of the reins I held ever so tightly on absolutely everything. I’m definitely starting to feel a little freer.
Joel your words are timely and exactly what I needed to hear to understand what is going on for me at the moment. I’m going to sit with this and come back to your blog again.
Dear hartanne60, thank you for your honesty. Your comment was exactly what I needed to hear. See you later on this page. No, seriously, I try to control things when I already lost the connection to myself. Otherwise there is no control needed as things are in a flow.
Great article, Joel. The way you have illustrated the nature of control, particularly at the subtle level of battle as a form of control, is masterful. Thank you.
Joel this line encapsulates so much for me. “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection.” It’s so true once I feel pressure or battle as you say, I know I have gone into my head and dropped my connection. By stopping and taking a breath I can feel the space just open up and life flows effortlessly.
I found much to take away from your blog Joel and the words that resonate in particular with me are, “if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection.” Thank you, I’ve placed them on my daily diary. Now when I sense a ‘battle’ I can use that as my marker of where I shouldn’t be to remind me to connect, allow and get on with life. So simple.
‘When food choices become about control, there is an inner battle between the part that knows what feels right and the part that just wants to eat it, regardless.’ Thank you for so carefully exposing what is really going on with control ….. I know these battles so well. It’s like having my own internal mini Star Wars series and Darth Vader doesn’t like to loose. ‘Control is the antithesis of allowing and acceptance; it is also the antithesis of self-responsibility.’ … I actually had to read this a few times, as I was trying not to ‘get’ the extent of what you are sharing here, I’ll blame Darth Vader for that. Control feels like a program that has been running me, now I’m trying to change the programming so it doesn’t work anymore, but it’s not that easy to stop. Control morphs and changes so it’s not felt as strongly, but reading all that you share here Joel, it’s clearly still in me, quite strongly. What you share around food is so simple, when you connect and feel into how your body reacts to certain foods, there is no decision to make, why, if I’m choosing to take responsibility for myself and what I put into my body, would I eat that again. However, when it’s about will power and being strong and disciplined so I’m not tempted to eat that food ….. I’ve already lost my connection to me, it becomes it’s ALL I want to eat, there are no loving choices here and so the battle begins.
There is a lot to understand here – and a lot for me to now observe in my day. Thank you – My feeling is to have another read tomorrow.
Wow Joel, incredible ponderings and insight!
If there is a battle, I am in control and not love. Brilliant. I will observe this playing out for me now as letting go of control is something I am working with, deeper layers to be revealed and seen.
Control is something to look at Joel, thank you. How do we want life to look, how are we invested in outcomes? The ways you have mentioned to support yourself to remain connected are powerful, they offer me ways to appreciate myself and others and what we have been given, and when I include one or all of them into my day I feel that I am allowing life to flow.
Again, Joel, love this last para. “So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” Yes, the true key to have absolutely no need for control is the level of connection I hold. If I am truly deeply connected, then there is no battle, I just know what my choice is, there is no need for choice, IT JUST IS.
I just love this blog, it is so, so true, and I could not resist another comment.
Thank you Joel, I find this focus on control very much supports understanding around commitment. We can commit to fixing ourselves, fixing a situation and even another person and it always involves control. Your words allude to this: “The battle is just a way of feeling like I am working hard, but in reality it is just a way for me to stay locked in my mind.” If instead commitment is about being and expressing the divine within us, it is never dependent on what we do, but can flow through us in our activity in a joyful way.
Another drop of wisdom Joel, I love this piece. Wanting to control things has been a big one for me. I completely understand that when I am fully connected with myself there is no choice, it just is. The battle is something I have often felt but it feels great to see this for what it is. Thank you for the clarity.
An extremely ‘thought-provoking’ blog here, Joel, but still have to get that mind out of the way, there still is the thought (in this sentence)! Ouch! Yes, I really appreciate this Joel, “So in one instance, there is almost no real choice, when it is a loving choice – it just is. And in the other, when it is a controlled choice – there is this inner battle”. The ‘just is’ is the key. As you say, there almost is no choice it just is. Wow, in many things, I still have to get that mind out of the way. Thank you for such a mind-blowing blog.
‘My level of connection actually precedes and determines the choices I have.’ – so true Joel! And I so appreciate the reminder that when things become a struggle, and the trying and effort to control behaviours and situations comes in, the trick – or rather the simple choice – is to come back to connection, rather than engage in a draining battle which only takes you further from yourself.
With choices from the body I feel vital, choices from my head and controlling choices make me feel tired and exhausted.
I agree, this blog is a great reminder. Once things become difficult or complicated it is a warning sign for me to stop and feel where I am at. This way I have the choice to continue in the same momentum or return to my loving connection with myself.
This is huge Joel. So many of these battles in life we identify with, and see as ‘victories’ when we overcome them. It really is silly, because we didn’t have to go through them in the first place. When seeing it is a simple choice to move away from what is not loving, and then all the complication that then ensues as a result, it makes life very simple. Either we are being loving, or not, by our own choice. The world is not necessarily set up for people to make these loving choices, and they certainly aren’t reflected by many. I can feel the responsibility in making loving choices, and how much this then serves our community as a result too. I had totally not realised the power of this until I wrote this right now. It brings a whole new meaning to making my life about love.
Amelia, I agree. You can change communities if there is the reflection of love within communities. The power of Love.
That’s put in place a clear perspective of the difference between control and choice… what I loved was you summation …”So now I know, if there is a hint of battle, I have dropped my connection: if there is any sustained battle, I am prolonging my own misery and in those moments, I am jumping back onto the merry-go-round of control.” I feel this should become a fridge magnet for me!
I’m with the fridge magnet! Great insight Joel, thankyou – this control is huge for me.
Very timely Blog Joel. I have been reflecting on some strong reactions I have going on in relation to my interaction with some people and have come to realise the most beautiful gift they have given me. A new awareness around my relationship to ‘control’ based on the belief that ‘I know best’. Very challenging and confronting but having joined the dots, I can already feel the release that is happening in my body. Continuing this old behaviour has meant that in truth I am holding back who I truly am and the love within me to share. A gift inspired by acceptance, appreciation and growing awareness. Thank you Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Another, amazing article, thank you Joel. As I was reading, it felt like you were in my head, saying things that I didn’t want to see …..’I’ve learned not to be fooled by the control because it can appear happy-go-lucky. That is until things reach a certain point and, once I reach that point, it‘s like walking away from a wall with a rubber band around my waist that snaps me back to remind me of my place.’ …. I can so relate to what you share here. The more I work on ‘control’ the more insidious and ‘clever’ it becomes, allowing me to believe it’s not there, when it’s just lurking, waiting to pull me back, into place.
Thank you for bringing up that a loving choice just is there to be made, and how a controlling choice is a battle because of the way we think we can control but actually can’t when we are in connection with ourselves.
Joel, you present this so clearly, any battle at all and the control is there. I know control, it’s a major fall back of mine and I also know loving choices, you’re right, they’re simple, they just are, no ping pong back and forth. And yes if we continue in that battle we are indeed prolonging our own misery – ouch.
I absolutely agree with your comment Monica. Joel presented it very clearly: battle means control is there. I love his examples about food, so real. Control has and can be a great theme for me. And making choices that support my body helps reducing the amount of battles going on for me.
In my experience, control is very deep and in my case I use control for protection, approaching people guardedly. I have been working on it for quite a while but there is a lot further to go. Interestingly, even small improvements made big, positive changes in my life.
Ah Joel, I can totally relate to a life of control, wanting things (and others) to be a certain way, but feeling the constant tension as a result! I’ve also realised how control has made my life far more complicated and full of drama than it needed to be! I love the simple message here of bringing all of our choices back to what’s loving and supportive for the body and a connection to ourselves… In this, it becomes all about feeling what’s right for us from our body, not from our head, and for me, it’s the latter (the head) where all the battle of control comes from, so if I bring this back to my body, there is no battle to contend with…
Such an insightful blog Joel. We can trick ourselves so easily — with food being a great example, whereas all along, what’s really going on is something quite calculated. It’s not that we are ‘torn’, it’s that we’ve gone into a behaviour that then controls and in fact delays us connecting deeper and deeper with ourselves and the divinity we innately are — and then shining this forth for others to see and be inspired by as well.