by Kim Schultz, NSW
With my work Christmas party coming up I tried to wiggle my way out of it, saying that I was too tired to go and that there was no dairy free/gluten free menu, thinking that they would put me in the ‘too hard’ basket. WRONG!… the boss solved the problem in five minutes, speaking with the chefs to cater for my food request and offering to have someone drive me to the event.
At the time I thought ‘Bugger!’ as all my attempts to avoid it had failed. To be honest, I was concerned with how I was going to communicate and what I was going to say to people who were drunk… ‘What are we going to talk about?’ ‘How am I going to connect?’ I was also anxious that I would be seen as a ‘party-pooper’. Still, I did feel the pull to go – and how awesome it was to revisit my past, as it turned out.
During the course of the dinner people got trashed. No-one seemed interested in speaking with me once they’d had a few drinks. I started to feel on the outer; I noticed that when I spoke, they didn’t seem to be able to concentrate and were walking off half-way through my sentences – not seemingly interested in conversation or connection. I didn’t feel one ounce of judgment as I realised that in the past when I was totally off my nut, I would avoid anyone who was ‘straight’ – ‘cause I felt they were not ‘on my wave length’. So on this night instead, I could feel how in the past I would have affected others who were trying to connect to me when I was in this same state.
No-one seemed to be truly connecting. People were leaving the table all the time to go out back and smoke – again I remembered that I used to do this. As I sat there, I felt how others must have felt with my leaving the table to ‘drag back a scoob’ and return to the table, and if not – not returning at all because the scoob would turn into ecstasy and I wouldn’t return home until the next day.
The manager gave a ‘thank you’ speech – whilst holding himself up against the table, as he was intoxicated. Everyone applauded the speech – I clapped automatically because everyone else did. In truth, I did not want to clap; I did only because I did not want to appear like a snob. After clapping I felt horrible, as I had supported something that did not feel right to me. In the past I would not have blinked – it would have all seemed very ‘normal’. But as this was the first time I have ever attended a Christmas function and not used any substances, I was able to truly feel how it felt having someone say ‘thank you’ when really drunk – I was literally thrown back into my chair as the words felt totally empty and cold and I felt unable to connect to him.
Once I got home I felt so blessed to have experienced the night, as it was deeply healing to have the reflection of how I had been living my life – using substances to numb myself – NOBODY HOME IN THIS BODY – so as not to feel how overwhelmed I was with life and the hurts I carried; not to mention the tons of abuse I allowed from others and to myself through not wanting to feel my deep emptiness.
The night also confirmed that I didn’t have to join in just to be like everyone else to feel a part of the gang. It also definitely cured any thoughts that I am missing out on ‘FUN’ – as I could clearly feel how people changed and totally disconnected from themselves and from me after consuming drugs and alcohol.
I felt the pull to go to this event and got a massive healing as I got to feel how I have lived – and the effects my behaviour may have had on others. This is the benefit of getting out there and being ‘in the world’ – not hiding in my own comfort.
The work crew still saw me as me being a stick-in-the-mud and a ‘weirdo’ for not drinking. The most beautiful side of it all was that there was nothing for me to do apart from just to be and feel. Since that night I certainly feel more dedicated to my health and well-being without the use of drugs and alcohol to ‘get through’ life.
As I continue to learn to love me, I look forward to offering a TRUE reflection of how life can be so that others can see that there is another way.
Much love to Universal Medicine and all involved, helping me to re-connect to truth, and to my true self.