In the company of Women

by Jinya, UK

The Internet seems to be growing limitlessly. With this has come the explosion in the use of images, and especially the proliferation of the female image in many forms. The Internet  being a largely unregulated platform, has become a breeding ground for the quick sell disposable images of women. Highly sexualised imagery has become the accepted norm; the Internet has been instrumental in spreading this denigration of women across the whole media in general. Magazines for the top shelf have existed for a long time, but in recent years the distinction between the age-restricted porn, the ‘lads mags’ and other trashy ‘coffee table’ media has become less defined. It’s all the same offensive rubbish, coloured differently.

The judgment of women based upon their outward appearance is a deeply rooted behaviour. And on this false foundation, the sexualisation of women has become so ‘normal’ and so accepted by our collective psyche that it carries on with no regard as just another facet of life in the 21st century. It has become so accepted that women are mere objects, and their attractiveness is their main ‘commodity’. They have learned to play ball with this as their point of existence, rather than truly live from their quality. The media has gone berserk without once stopping to consider – is anyone being hurt by this use of another human being?

Women are being hurt by this. I know because I see it everywhere, and most women have come to accept it as their preordained fate. I work in a male dominated industry where I see the denigration of women happening every day. However, I am also fortunate to know women who are living in contra to this abusive way: they are women who are no longer accepting such awful treatment in their lives. They inspire by standing up for what is true and reminding us that we (women and men) are much greater than this.

So what happened? How did we get to a point where it is commonplace for women to be maligned and abused in the media, their workplace, at home or anywhere, and to be judged to be ‘less than’ the impossible ideals that have been set for/by them – all at the same time? This abuse is constant…  there is no letup.

How did we get from the natural feminine grace that women exuded only 50 or so years ago, to this point where they are lauded for being rushed off their feet trying to meet the demands of being a 24/7 mum, a career woman, a good daughter, a loyal friend, a loving wife; a veritable Swiss army knife of a person – all whilst holding a backward dog yogic asana, baking a pie, and looking effortlessly sexy in an apron? This is what we have come to accept and expect as ‘normal’ (slightly caricatured but true): this ‘normal’ is indeed very strange. No wonder caffeine is the second highest selling substance in the world, and alcohol and drugs are very much relied upon to unwind at the end of the day.

What is going on when men need women to be this way? What’s going on when women need to be this way for society to consider them equal to men?

I have always appreciated the beauty and sexiness of women, but until recently I had always put those qualities before who they truly are – underneath their skin. I have always loved women and being in the company of them, but I have to be honest and say that the ‘love’ (or need) I have felt was measured against what women could do for me. Women have been a source of affection, companionship, distraction, amusement, fun, mental/physical turn-on, infatuation, lust, sympathy, empathy, guidance, appreciation, admiration, inspiration, recognition, acceptance and approval. This might sound like a fairly innocent list on one level, but what I wasn’t being honest about was that I was seeking them from a need that grew out of a consistent dissatisfaction with myself and my choices. Without judgment, I can say that I had been used to being very self-orientated – with little or no love for myself. The distraction from, and the numbing of, my emptiness was my barometer of what my ideal ‘love’ looked like.

Before I started to deal with my hurts, I was going through life hurting and blaming others. It’s an ongoing development, but I have realised that what really hurts me is not allowing myself to be tender, and looking outside of me for fulfilment. The abuse of women is there because of the hurts that men carry around beneath their tough exteriors. Women do have a responsibility to themselves to no longer accept, and to speak out against, the abuse that they suffer – likewise, men have to start listening and changing. As it has for aeons, the cycle of hurt goes around; being passed from men to women, women to men, men to men and women to women like a never-ending doubles tennis match… wearing wooden clogs instead of Nikes. Something has to give!

Is it possible that true equality is not so much about women achieving the same status as men in society by ‘beating them at their own game’, but more about men dealing with our hurts and letting go of ideals and beliefs so that we would not need a woman to be anything other than her already glorious self? We need the true essence of women in our homes, our companies, our shops, our schools, our hospitals, in industry, in government, communities and every single part of life. Imagine when men stop imposing on women, and every woman you come across is being naturally amazing and that became the accepted ‘normal’. Then we would experience the naturally heart-melting tenderness that all men have the potential to express.

Hurts would stop going round and round.
The world would become very still.
That would be true equality.
Maybe even harmony.

687 thoughts on “In the company of Women

  1. Hi Jinya, you say it so accurately how when we live life with a bundle of hurts we just leave space for more abuse to come through. Sadly the anger and dismissiveness usually ends up being directed at those closest to us. What a twisted way this is to be, to inflict difficulty on those most open to Loving us. It’s not what women or anyone deserve.

  2. The last couple of days I’ve been spending some time with some female friends of mine, and realising how I have compared myself to them, saying ‘oh women like to share and gossip with each other – that’s not for me’. I can see today the totally false way we can measure ourselves as men, based on what women do. What a sad state of affairs it is that we think we need to be the opposite way. Now I am imagining what the world would be like if guys like you and I Jinya openly sought each other out to share how we feel and what it seems our life is about. I suspect we would find we have so much that is there to share, and so much power to heal on offer too.

  3. Women can offer us all the way forward in life, guide and nurture us to return to our inner light, inspire and inform us to care better for one and all. Like a fire that you find on a chilly night, why fight the fact that this is a super power that they can bring? As men we don’t need to compete for position but relinquish control and false power and surrender to our place as equally beautiful beings just with different powers inside. Thanks Jinya for this blog and what you write.

    1. That simple choice to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to what runs us that is driven from the outer is food for thought in our current climate. The rates are increasing in both directions – follow the trends or coming back to who we truly are as women.

  4. Just because women have got used to being treated harshly and abused, just because they don’t seem to mind does not mean it’s a true for men to carry on being so unkind. Why wait as you say Jinya for women to stand up and say ‘no’, when inside every fibre and cell we as men, already know, the way we currently are is not right and needs to change to be much more loving and light.

  5. You illustrate so simply Jinya how we both, men and women are so far off from who we truly are. It’s a sad state of affairs when we define how we will be, based on the stereotypes we see – but there’s another way. In connecting to how we are in inside, we can learn to live, speak and move not in relation to ideals but what feels good.

  6. Aspiring to a world where the hurts of everyone stop going around and around playing out like a continuous ‘doubles tennis match’ which only serves to feed the unrest, the disharmony and exacerbate the hurts all the more is something we all need to collectively address and transform in today’s world.

  7. This is an incredible sharing Jinya! I appreciate what you have shared here and your honesty. Although there are no surprises I just love that you have been so open and have turned around your way of thinking of and treating women. Many can learn from reading your blog and be the richer for it both women and men. I thank you from all women.

  8. ‘Hurts would stop going round and round.’ Putting an end to that cycle would be a miracle in itself…and of course refers to men also. They would feel the reflection and realise they don’t need to play the role society has also formed for them. We really have lost our way, but the more we talk about it and bring attention to the reality of the situation, the more it will become too ridiculous to allow to continue.

  9. Women are taught from very young that they are judged worthy or not by their body. By how their body looks. As a society we teach them that in allowing the media, pornography, sexting and so on. When you stop and think about this for a moment, it is appalling.

  10. Beautifully and tenderly expressed – after all, everybody gets harmed when we consider and treat each other as lesser, whether that be because of gender, skin colour, affiliations or any other so-called distinguishing characteristics.

  11. Their judgement of women and how we are portrayed in the media just doesn’t seem to abate, it is image after image showing women in uncompromising situations and they are just wrong in a lot of instances. Yet we as women keep buying these magazines and feeding the very hand that wants to bite us.

  12. A beautiful blog to read and be inspired by Jinya; inspired to be a woman who lives in contra to abusive ways;
    “They inspire by standing up for what is true and reminding us that we (women and men) are much greater than this”.

  13. In all of this there is a need for us all to be another way, live another way and relate to each other in another way. The way we are going around and around isn’t supporting us. We are becoming sicker and unhappier as the time passes and we are seeing moving norm’s for us to think that we are all ok. The conversations need to go deeper and deeper at every meal table, what is going on? Why do honestly I feel this way and why am I chasing a never ending to do list. Life will often throw up more questions than answers but what if every question and answer had the same origin? The way we are living, the way we move ourselves around our world is bringing to us the life we have. Want to have things change or make a change? It will require us to make a different move and in that then you will have a different reflection or read of life.

  14. The attitude you speak of from men towards women has long been demeaning and yes horrible and all men including myself have been a part of this, but with what has happened in the past few decades this attitude has become far worse thanks to porn and page 3 and is disgusting and dehumanising. We men need to feel this and realise the huge harm that this is doing both to ourselves and to all women and to the whole of human life on Earth.

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