In the company of Women

by Jinya, UK

The Internet seems to be growing limitlessly. With this has come the explosion in the use of images, and especially the proliferation of the female image in many forms. The Internet  being a largely unregulated platform, has become a breeding ground for the quick sell disposable images of women. Highly sexualised imagery has become the accepted norm; the Internet has been instrumental in spreading this denigration of women across the whole media in general. Magazines for the top shelf have existed for a long time, but in recent years the distinction between the age-restricted porn, the ‘lads mags’ and other trashy ‘coffee table’ media has become less defined. It’s all the same offensive rubbish, coloured differently.

The judgment of women based upon their outward appearance is a deeply rooted behaviour. And on this false foundation, the sexualisation of women has become so ‘normal’ and so accepted by our collective psyche that it carries on with no regard as just another facet of life in the 21st century. It has become so accepted that women are mere objects, and their attractiveness is their main ‘commodity’. They have learned to play ball with this as their point of existence, rather than truly live from their quality. The media has gone berserk without once stopping to consider – is anyone being hurt by this use of another human being?

Women are being hurt by this. I know because I see it everywhere, and most women have come to accept it as their preordained fate. I work in a male dominated industry where I see the denigration of women happening every day. However, I am also fortunate to know women who are living in contra to this abusive way: they are women who are no longer accepting such awful treatment in their lives. They inspire by standing up for what is true and reminding us that we (women and men) are much greater than this.

So what happened? How did we get to a point where it is commonplace for women to be maligned and abused in the media, their workplace, at home or anywhere, and to be judged to be ‘less than’ the impossible ideals that have been set for/by them – all at the same time? This abuse is constant…  there is no letup.

How did we get from the natural feminine grace that women exuded only 50 or so years ago, to this point where they are lauded for being rushed off their feet trying to meet the demands of being a 24/7 mum, a career woman, a good daughter, a loyal friend, a loving wife; a veritable Swiss army knife of a person – all whilst holding a backward dog yogic asana, baking a pie, and looking effortlessly sexy in an apron? This is what we have come to accept and expect as ‘normal’ (slightly caricatured but true): this ‘normal’ is indeed very strange. No wonder caffeine is the second highest selling substance in the world, and alcohol and drugs are very much relied upon to unwind at the end of the day.

What is going on when men need women to be this way? What’s going on when women need to be this way for society to consider them equal to men?

I have always appreciated the beauty and sexiness of women, but until recently I had always put those qualities before who they truly are – underneath their skin. I have always loved women and being in the company of them, but I have to be honest and say that the ‘love’ (or need) I have felt was measured against what women could do for me. Women have been a source of affection, companionship, distraction, amusement, fun, mental/physical turn-on, infatuation, lust, sympathy, empathy, guidance, appreciation, admiration, inspiration, recognition, acceptance and approval. This might sound like a fairly innocent list on one level, but what I wasn’t being honest about was that I was seeking them from a need that grew out of a consistent dissatisfaction with myself and my choices. Without judgment, I can say that I had been used to being very self-orientated – with little or no love for myself. The distraction from, and the numbing of, my emptiness was my barometer of what my ideal ‘love’ looked like.

Before I started to deal with my hurts, I was going through life hurting and blaming others. It’s an ongoing development, but I have realised that what really hurts me is not allowing myself to be tender, and looking outside of me for fulfilment. The abuse of women is there because of the hurts that men carry around beneath their tough exteriors. Women do have a responsibility to themselves to no longer accept, and to speak out against, the abuse that they suffer – likewise, men have to start listening and changing. As it has for aeons, the cycle of hurt goes around; being passed from men to women, women to men, men to men and women to women like a never-ending doubles tennis match… wearing wooden clogs instead of Nikes. Something has to give!

Is it possible that true equality is not so much about women achieving the same status as men in society by ‘beating them at their own game’, but more about men dealing with our hurts and letting go of ideals and beliefs so that we would not need a woman to be anything other than her already glorious self? We need the true essence of women in our homes, our companies, our shops, our schools, our hospitals, in industry, in government, communities and every single part of life. Imagine when men stop imposing on women, and every woman you come across is being naturally amazing and that became the accepted ‘normal’. Then we would experience the naturally heart-melting tenderness that all men have the potential to express.

Hurts would stop going round and round.
The world would become very still.
That would be true equality.
Maybe even harmony.

724 thoughts on “In the company of Women

  1. Hi Jinya, you say it so accurately how when we live life with a bundle of hurts we just leave space for more abuse to come through. Sadly the anger and dismissiveness usually ends up being directed at those closest to us. What a twisted way this is to be, to inflict difficulty on those most open to Loving us. It’s not what women or anyone deserve.

  2. The last couple of days I’ve been spending some time with some female friends of mine, and realising how I have compared myself to them, saying ‘oh women like to share and gossip with each other – that’s not for me’. I can see today the totally false way we can measure ourselves as men, based on what women do. What a sad state of affairs it is that we think we need to be the opposite way. Now I am imagining what the world would be like if guys like you and I Jinya openly sought each other out to share how we feel and what it seems our life is about. I suspect we would find we have so much that is there to share, and so much power to heal on offer too.

    1. Honouring one another by just allowing this simple expression speaks volumes of how we can strengthen our relationships with so many and building quality into our conversations.

  3. Women can offer us all the way forward in life, guide and nurture us to return to our inner light, inspire and inform us to care better for one and all. Like a fire that you find on a chilly night, why fight the fact that this is a super power that they can bring? As men we don’t need to compete for position but relinquish control and false power and surrender to our place as equally beautiful beings just with different powers inside. Thanks Jinya for this blog and what you write.

    1. That simple choice to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to what runs us that is driven from the outer is food for thought in our current climate. The rates are increasing in both directions – follow the trends or coming back to who we truly are as women.

  4. Just because women have got used to being treated harshly and abused, just because they don’t seem to mind does not mean it’s a true for men to carry on being so unkind. Why wait as you say Jinya for women to stand up and say ‘no’, when inside every fibre and cell we as men, already know, the way we currently are is not right and needs to change to be much more loving and light.

  5. You illustrate so simply Jinya how we both, men and women are so far off from who we truly are. It’s a sad state of affairs when we define how we will be, based on the stereotypes we see – but there’s another way. In connecting to how we are in inside, we can learn to live, speak and move not in relation to ideals but what feels good.

  6. Aspiring to a world where the hurts of everyone stop going around and around playing out like a continuous ‘doubles tennis match’ which only serves to feed the unrest, the disharmony and exacerbate the hurts all the more is something we all need to collectively address and transform in today’s world.

  7. This is an incredible sharing Jinya! I appreciate what you have shared here and your honesty. Although there are no surprises I just love that you have been so open and have turned around your way of thinking of and treating women. Many can learn from reading your blog and be the richer for it both women and men. I thank you from all women.

  8. ‘Hurts would stop going round and round.’ Putting an end to that cycle would be a miracle in itself…and of course refers to men also. They would feel the reflection and realise they don’t need to play the role society has also formed for them. We really have lost our way, but the more we talk about it and bring attention to the reality of the situation, the more it will become too ridiculous to allow to continue.

  9. Women are taught from very young that they are judged worthy or not by their body. By how their body looks. As a society we teach them that in allowing the media, pornography, sexting and so on. When you stop and think about this for a moment, it is appalling.

  10. Beautifully and tenderly expressed – after all, everybody gets harmed when we consider and treat each other as lesser, whether that be because of gender, skin colour, affiliations or any other so-called distinguishing characteristics.

  11. Their judgement of women and how we are portrayed in the media just doesn’t seem to abate, it is image after image showing women in uncompromising situations and they are just wrong in a lot of instances. Yet we as women keep buying these magazines and feeding the very hand that wants to bite us.

  12. A beautiful blog to read and be inspired by Jinya; inspired to be a woman who lives in contra to abusive ways;
    “They inspire by standing up for what is true and reminding us that we (women and men) are much greater than this”.

  13. In all of this there is a need for us all to be another way, live another way and relate to each other in another way. The way we are going around and around isn’t supporting us. We are becoming sicker and unhappier as the time passes and we are seeing moving norm’s for us to think that we are all ok. The conversations need to go deeper and deeper at every meal table, what is going on? Why do honestly I feel this way and why am I chasing a never ending to do list. Life will often throw up more questions than answers but what if every question and answer had the same origin? The way we are living, the way we move ourselves around our world is bringing to us the life we have. Want to have things change or make a change? It will require us to make a different move and in that then you will have a different reflection or read of life.

  14. The attitude you speak of from men towards women has long been demeaning and yes horrible and all men including myself have been a part of this, but with what has happened in the past few decades this attitude has become far worse thanks to porn and page 3 and is disgusting and dehumanising. We men need to feel this and realise the huge harm that this is doing both to ourselves and to all women and to the whole of human life on Earth.

  15. How far as a society have we gone that we see the outward appearance the marker of how we perceived a person to be? Judging a book by its cover is so harming as we are not choosing to see the innate qualities of togetherness and love that resides in us all.

  16. I have found by having more love and appreciation for myself I see and feel differently about women. As your list showed all the reasons in the past, can I say most men still use, is what we needed from women to be for us, is no longer required by myself, you and many other men? We now accept and respect women for the amazing persons they are and the love, tenderness they bring to the world.

  17. “Being a 24/7 mum, a career woman, a good daughter, a loyal friend, a loving wife; a veritable Swiss army knife of a person” how true is this statement, this is where women have landed, needing to be a swiss army knife of a person. We are used to being everything to everyone and then negating what it is we are here for.

  18. When we need anyone to be something for us we have totally disconnected from who they are as a person and turned that person into an “object/thing”. People are not “things” but glorious, divine beings.

  19. Have you ever temporarily lost your sight? Or closed your eyes for a while like you do at night? Have you experienced how you respond to life completely differently? It’s like we are addicted to seeing life in a certain way, that blinds us and makes us numb to what is really going on. If you were to sit around women without your visual senses I wonder what you would feel, how would you sense the femininity and grace that is there? How would you describe the essence of them? So delicate, divine and nurturing at heart. You’re so right Jinya, when we are stuck with the literal, superficial way we see women we miss their true and absolute beauty.

  20. Such a beautifully honest sharing this is, thank you, Jinya. We don’t realise how our own little hurts might have any correlation to what is out there in the world, but deep honesty like yours allows us to see our power/responsibility in all that is. And the objectification of women, the inequality between sexes … any so-called world’s problem in fact doesn’t seem to have any answer unless we make it our problem, something that we are personally, individually, contributing to – as that is precisely how it was created in the first place.

  21. As a woman in the past I was my greatest denigrator, I would put myself down, judge myself harshly based on my weight, compare myself to others and often turn in on myself. This then was also the type of treatment I received from others, in particular, from men. As I have started to change this within myself and appreciate and love myself more the quality of my relationships has also changed dramatically. We all have our part too play in what is normalised within society.

  22. This article feels all the more powerful coming from a man. It encompasses everything that sadly goes on with both men and women, its honest and raw and beautiful. I think in a way, things have been snow balling to the point that I myself have become numb to what is considered “the norm”. These style of articles will go down in history, they are a big part of shaking and waking us up from what we have all allowed to be.

  23. If we think about this not as genders but as quality, how are we in regards to femininity? Are both women and men at home with stillness, sweetness, nurturing and grace? Or do we fight it each and every day? Do we accept this quality in ourselves? Are we we willing to sit in the company of God’s delicacy and care? For if not will we ever realise the true equality that is there? Thank you Jinya for highlighting for me the true imbalance we currently have – it’s not solely about our sex but all about our flavour and essence we are here to live.

  24. We women have accepted a lot that we know is not true and allowed significant downgrades in the quality in which we carry ourselves. This is a hard pill to swallow but we have actually allowed what has happened rather than standing firm and not letting society slide.

  25. Thank you for this writing Jinya , describing the play between man and woman as a doubles tennis game is very accurate , for someone some day will have to catch the ball and say the game is over and this writing contributes to that day.

  26. Its a great point that only 50 year ago the grace of a woman was highly valued, but today that seems to be gone. I for one feel that women can claim back that grace as it is naturally part of who we are, and in that we set the standard for how we want to be treated.

    1. Grace is such a beautiful word and one that feels to have been less tarnished than most of our words. Yes let’s men and women claim back and value our natural grace and stop living disgracefully.

  27. The saddest part of this all is the way I see women now pushing themselves to be something they truly are not. Performers, porn stars, provocateurs – all of it is so far away from their true strength and grace as you say Jinya. Yes they can change in themselves but we also need to pay attention to the possibility they are just responding to our demand. Are we truly willing to live with the true power, glory and delicacy true femaleness brings?

  28. Thank you Jinya for this honest account from a man’s perspective about the way women are viewed. From a woman’s point of view I would add that we accept these images of women as a means of playing ‘less’ in the sense that we fixate on an ideal we then devote out lives to ‘achieving’ because we are yet to acknowledge, accept, appreciate and live the sacredness that lives deep in the heart of every woman in the world, no matter her positioning, religion, race or creed. It is a game of playing small so we do not have the responsibility that comes with playing it BIG.

  29. As you say Jinya the cycle of hurt has been going around for aeons and we each and everyone can be a link in breaking it.

  30. I have been looking recently at what is normal in society and what is my normal, and I’m coming to the conclusion that there is no normal. What i do on a daily routine is my normal but it changes as I change. It will be lovely when we all drop the judgements, and connect to our essence, men and women as our normal daily rhythm.

  31. Jinya what you outline here is the game that is being played for women to feel they have to be something they are not in order to get ahead. When true evolution is the journey of us coming back to who we truly are – which is a contrast to what the world sets up women to be.

  32. ‘We need the true essence of women in our homes, our companies, our shops, our schools, our hospitals, in industry, in government, communities and every single part of life.’ Absolutely and when women are in their essence men are able to honour their own inner tenderness and express from that tenderness which honours everyone around them.

  33. One of the greatest hurts imposed on the man is the woman not being the woman. We hurt one another more than we let ourselves be aware of, by shutting down our true qualities and not bringing the beauty and preciousness every woman holds within her and the care and delicateness every man has within him. And hence we perpetuate the war of the sexes, the war within ourselves and the war that takes place in our lives – subtle wars we don’t see and the much bigger ones we can’t deny. ‘

  34. This is a hugely significant point you make, Jiinya, that men’s abuse of women arises from a denial of our unresolved hurts, it changes the whole dynamics and focus to address the situation and it is so true.

  35. A very needed story Jinya, thank you. I too have accepted the treating of women by their outer appearances as normal. It is not normal, and the pornification of society is growing. The question is how to break this trend. You would say it starts with men seeing women as who they truly are, for their inner beauty, and that is something we all can do, right now, you and I. But the true change will come, as I have learned, from women claiming their sacredness: if women do that, men can only melt, and will go to their tenderness straight away, and abuse in any kind of form will drop.

  36. Navigate life from what you feel and you will not dwell on gender but become a great appreciator of energetic quality. It’s this we should prize, not body parts. Thank you Jinya for speaking out on this key topic.

  37. A very needed sharing Jinya, how all of us if we do not address our hurts, add to the merry go-round of those hurts and in fact perpetuate being less than who we are, and this is the abuse we see all around, the gross abuse is obvious, but the subtle is far more wide spread and in the end it’s all abuse. So it’s to deal with those hurts we have and feel and watch how we become more who are and meeting others in that space is automatically less about need and imposition and more about the joy of connecting with another.

  38. In that way men can support the women to live themselves in full again as equally or even more important it is that women claim themselves back no matter what gets imposed to them. It is our choice as women to go back to our sacredness.

  39. I love your honesty here and this would be a pretty awesome normal ‘when men stop imposing on women, and every woman you come across is being naturally amazing and that became the accepted ‘normal’.’ I feel here as well as all (women and men) looking at our hurts we also need to look at what we have tolerated, demanded, supplied, ignored and accepted as there is a whole host of things to heal here.

  40. I spent many years of my life in fear of men after a few scary situations, but now see that through my own deepening awareness and connection with myself I have uncovered much more about who I am and have also deepened my love and appreciation for men equally so. When we first look at our own behaviours and or ways of being in the world we see how this outwardly affects the whole. To let go of things in our lives that are not from love we can then open up with honesty to more of who we are and in essence return to the sacredness of us all.

  41. This blog really exposes one of the reasons as to why men are content to allow women to move in such a way. It provides comfort for them and asks nothing of their evolution. When a woman stands in her true beauty and sacredness a man is asked to stand in his true tenderness and sacredness, now wouldn’t that revolutionise the world.

  42. I would also say Jinya that when we women also deal with our hurts we naturally as part of that process bring out the beauty, sexiness and sacredness that we had tried so hard to hide. And in turn claim back what we gave away and what facilitated the vicious denigrating cycle.

  43. A woman who lives and moves in Sacredness is such a powerful reflection we need to see in society, it totally dissolves any hurt and brings understanding and a deep wisdom that everyone can feel.

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