To honour our tenderness

by Rebecca Poole, Brisbane, Australia

Why do people say “Grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding! – Betty White

On one hand this is quite funny, and we laugh because it shows the ridiculousness of our world and the way we see ourselves, and possibly . . . if we didn’t laugh we would be crying.What this quote really exposes about our society is that we are championing toughness, and that we are in a constant battle of the sexes. Who can say that as a little kid they didn’t feel these two legacies of our current society thrust upon them? I know for myself as a young girl I thought that the tougher I could be and the more I could beat boys at anything I did, the better and more awesome I was. But what about the little boy who also has the pressure to be tougher? What about the shame of being beaten by a girl? Doesn’t this create resentment towards women at such a young age? We can’t pretend that this doesn’t happen or downplay its importance – it is everywhere. Is this just harmless banter between the sexes, or does it create a more insidious erosion of male – female relationships and a loss of a more feminine way in our society? What if it was normal for us to be told “Find some curves”, and it meant “Where is your tenderness?” If the world had more tenderness instead of the toughness that it is championing then maybe, just maybe, we as a whole humanity would be uncompromisingly sensitive to the welfare of our fellow brothers and sisters in the world. There is no way that abuse, aggression, violence and corruption of any kind would be tolerated if tenderness was one of the characteristics that was totally honoured in our world. What if we asked the world – Men, Women and Children – to re-develop their tenderness? I ask again, how different would the world be?

558 thoughts on “To honour our tenderness

  1. When we allow ourselves to express in our tenderness we are also reflecting to others that being in our tenderness is who we are, it is the new cool, and inspire each other to let down our guards and simply be who we are – deeply tender beings.

  2. ‘…find some curves.’ Wow Rebecca, these words struck me and my body just wanted to cry. How far we have come from the utter tenderness that we know and miss. I was with a man today in his unit. He had been drinking and kept mentioning his mother. When I said to him, ‘Your mother loved you’, his eyes filled up and he made a gesture of nursing a newborn. He said ‘I remember this’ that is, being cradled. We absolutely know and miss tenderness. The lack of it causes so much self abuse and destruction. Great blog to read again Rebecca thank you.

  3. Treating others with care, letting them be themselves, being a role model for self-care, and honouring the gentleness that we all have innately will change the world, one relationship at a time.

    1. Indeed Heather, one by one we will change the world, and like the ripple you get from a stone falling in still water, so too will the the one person expressing tenderness and gentleness have its effect on many people thereafter.

    2. ..starting with the relationship we have with ourselves – how we treat and care for ourselves, how we move in each moment.. it’s these moment to moment choices and movements that add up to how we are with ourselves and with others, and what we then take into our relationships with others.

  4. Sure Rebecca, our world would look completely different if we would appreciate the tenderness we all carry within. And to me I can sense that it is actually a quality that is from our essence and divine, therefore as we allow ourselves to live this in full our lives would be like in heaven on earth.

  5. Yeah lets go all back to our tenderness we all know very well. It can be very supportive to do some Esoteric healing sessions to support this change of movements as the long lived patterns form a kind of constellation in the body which keeps us in a way in that old more hard ways of moving through life. To release some old can help a lot in this new direction from which I am the proof 🙂 as I was as a women very hard in the body as a surviver of life in stead of surrender to me to God.

  6. Tenderness evokes beautiful pictures in the mind and feelings in the body. What comes up for me around tenderness as well, is an openness of the heart, and tiny babies. We as adults also desire tenderness and starting with ourselves we can all receive it. What we give to ourselves we give to others. Thank you Rebecca.

  7. “There is no way that abuse, aggression, violence and corruption of any kind would be tolerated if tenderness was one of the characteristics that was totally honoured in our world” Absolutely Rebecca this is something I am learning daily the more I embrace tenderness the less there is any room for abuse of any kind. It does not mean I have to react to the abuse it, just observe it and call it out for what it is, it has been amazing the changes I have made in my life because of this. If we all embraced tenderness and this was the reflection we received from each other the world would be definitely a very different place and abuse would no longer be tolerated as it is today.

  8. Such an important point- we champion being tough and teach kids this- however, it hasn’t got us anywhere- we need more tenderness and sensitivity in our world.

  9. Grow some tenderness – forget about the balls! And the best thing is that we are innately tender and thus, it is just a question of rediscovering and nurturing our true nature and bring that to everything we do and everyone we meet. It is also called transparency.

  10. I was brought up to be tough throughout my life this was thought to give you strength to cope with the battles of life that lay ahead. To be tender was to be wimpy and weak, so this was not encouraged. Tenderness is who we truly are, deeply beautiful and supporting.

  11. Being tender with ourselves allows for the hardness to release of it’s own accord and how lovely this begins to feel in our bodies. We can appreciate ourselves more and enjoy life more and everyone benefits. Tenderness is definitely where it’s at.

  12. We do champion toughness it’s true, it’s a quality that is so far away from our natural way of living. There’s a massive difference between strength, which I would say is a steady inner knowing of who you are and never compromising that truth, and being tough, which is a forced outer persona.

  13. If we would ask for our tenderness, we would instantly have a whole world changing and the adjustments will be set to make simply by this choice of question. It is not impermeable to say that the world can not change. Hence we can, and it is simply irresponsible to say that we do not have the power to do so. Let’s bring in the change.

  14. Tender Loving Care. We all know it, we all love it, the question is “are we bringing it to all of our relationships or are we demanding others to bring it?”

  15. There seem to be a multitude of behaviours played out by many within humanity that do nothing but drive a wedge between men and women. One of them is the accepted belief that boys need to harden up as they grow into adulthood but in so doing they bury their natural tenderness underneath many concrete-like layers. But the beautiful thing is that this tenderness never leaves them and once the choice is made to re-connect to who they naturally are it will be easily accessed and able to be lived once again.

    1. I agree Judith, I spent the day with my niece who is only 20 months and I could feel her tenderness as she beautifully played with joy and ease. It is lovely to see how the tenderness is always there if we choose to connect to it.

  16. Beautiful Rebecca, this is so what I needed to hear today…and everyday for that matter. If the way I act, words I speak and actions that I take don’t match with the tenderness I have inside, it’s then I need to stop and reconnect before I cause more harm and make myself and others cry.

  17. These are such profoundly powerful questions… I have no doubt that the ways in which we have been brought up based on beliefs about what it is to be a man or a woman, have indeed insidiously eroded not only the male – female relationship and the way we view and treat each other, but how we view and treat ourselves… we are all deeply hurting from the lack of tenderness that could have been honoured and embraced as the foundation of all our interactions and expressions.

    1. I completely agree Samantha. The hurt of not being accepted for who we are cuts deep, and this includes acceptance of ourselves too. So if we work on bringing understanding and acceptance to ourselves we can heal our wounds and reflect to others that it’s possible to be vulnerable, open and loving in a world where although this is not the norm, everyone craves it.

  18. I agree, ‘growing balls’ needs to be replaced by ‘nurturing tenderness’ – tough and hard has only led us to the mess we are in and a dog eats dog mentality that nobody is enjoying. It creates seeming winners and leaves behind the losers and it stops us from working together as one.

  19. It is of great help when women start to let go of the picture that a man should be tough and take care of them. This way the demands on the men will disappear and they can be more easily natural themselves. Women have the power in their delicateness to let the men melt. It is not that the men cannot get into their tenderness alone. As we see the small boys how they are tender shows us that they are that naturally. But we can support each other to confirm that it is okay and great to be tender. To let go of the pictures and beliefs of how men and women should behave. They then can become naturally themselves again. This is so great about Serge Benhayon and all the people working in Universal Medicine, you get that reflection that you are okay in who you are and they are not imposing on you any needs in how they want you to be.

  20. The world would be in better shape if we were to actually acknowledge our own sensitivity and the sensitivity of others. Equally we would begin to realise just how hard most people work to deny their own sensitivity.

  21. It is not harmless banter as you say Rebecca, ‘toughening up’ is devastating to both sexes. We are sensitive, tender beings from the day we are born and the more we live in denial of this, the more ill our society becomes in every sense.

  22. Sometimes it can seem to me that being friendly, open and kind, greeting people with a warm disposition is what tendernesss is all about. Compared to the stubborn stiffness so many of us have been raised to know it seems like a vast improvement. But the fact is, as your words show Rebecca, this is nowhere near the delicacy and vulnerability we can actually know. It’s like we are still waiting for someone to give us permission to care that much, to feel it all and go so deep. It’s truly incredible to see just how ingrained this attitude of ‘pushing through’ has been. We don’t have to do it, we can stop and honestly say how we really feel today.

  23. Just saying the word ‘tenderness’ brings you back to an awareness of the natural tenderness that we know we are.

  24. It is only over the last few years have I truly begun to understand and appreciate true tenderness. After living a life of drive and hardness, it does take awhile to connect to what tenderness truly feels like. But once you get the taste of it, you don’t want anything else, its such a beautiful feeling.

  25. It’s a good point you make Rebecca about boys feeling shame if a girl ‘out-toughens’ them. I feel this is a potential too whenever older sisters lord it over their younger brothers. Yet equally, there are dynamics in the opposite direction too. Clearly we have ancient karma to overcome in our relationships with the opposite sex.

  26. This is sadly a piece of writing Rebecca that is still very poignant today but clearly greatly needed, considering it was written nearly 5 years ago now, and not much has changed. As today this ‘men are tough’ and ‘women are equally as tough’ consciousness is still harming us in many and worsening ways. Our disconnection to the realness of our tenderness within is driving us and our children to more and more abusive behaviours that far from reflect who we are in essence. Not being and living who we innately are is distressing and unnatural which results in a tension that is unavoidable and feels unbearable. Our methods of nullifying this feeling are becoming more extreme, as we are witnessing through younger children turning to drugs, alcohols, engaging in sexual behaviours, self-harm and suicide. Yet we are not asking the real question of ‘why?’. What you have shared here is vital for us to consider. When are we going to start to look within to our true qualities that reside within? For the way we have been existing to date is clearly not supporting us or our children’s well-being.

  27. It is interesting that at the centre, the ‘intimate parts’ of every man are so tender. It’s as if beneath all the bravado, warring ways and bluster, it’s all just a form of armour to protect our delicacy. Saying this I feel so strongly how this applies not just to our genitals but to all of how we are in this world. We all are so afraid of being hurt, yet have we tried to live naked in this workd? Not literally of course, but moving, speaking, talking and thinking knowing we are not the machines we are made out to be but exquisitely precious vehicles of God’s light here to be aware of everything and definitely not to fight. Thank you Rebecca for honouring us all by recognising who we truly are.

  28. Today I am getting that this tenderness you describe Rebecca has a vibration, a tangible quality to it we can all feel. If I am speaking or moving without this sense of tenderness, it’s just not the real full me. This is the uncomfortable bottom line.

  29. Is tenderness an answer to the abuse, domestic violence, aggression and corruption? Definitely, since I have honoured this in myself my relationships have changed completely. There is an equalness and surrendering to just how vulnerable I am and whoever I’m with. There is a tangible feeling between us that is familiar and similar. There is no room for competition or any emotions to pollute the relationship.

  30. And the interesting part is that our children do not really have to learn to be tender as we are born very tender and fragile. So it comes back to ourselves, the adults, to relearn to be tender so that we do not give our children any other reflection than tenderness. We have made life to be rough and tough, it is not what we naturally feel to be.

  31. From such a very young age we can feel the expectations of society that if we are girls we are less than boys and have to compete with them by trying to toughen up and beat them at their own game, and with other women who we feel have it more ‘sorted’ than we do. The boys are also doing this between themselves and with the women they feel threatened by, so all in all we have a society that is in competition with itself and completely ignoring the value that each gender and each person brings to the whole. Stereotypes are not only images we aspire to, but extremely harmful ideals that have led to us as a whole thinking if we don’t life up to this image we are not good enough. If we celebrated each of our individual expressions and the innate tenderness that comes with this, we would have no competition, just harmony and oneness.

  32. A great point you have made here Rebecca, in being encouraged to ‘toughen up’ from young we all, both men and women, drop our connection to the innate tenderness we hold within. If our tenderness was truly honoured all our relationships and the way we express with everyone would be with a true openness and deeply loving and caring of our natural sensitivity.

    1. How insidious is it that we are encouraged to “toughen up” – a trait we then carry with us for our wholes lives – when that is the exact opposite of who we naturally, innately and so sweetly are.

  33. Last night I was listening to a song that was about this topic – how tender we truly are. And I was filled to the brim with appreciation that I am returning to this knowing. That we are all deeply and truly tender. And I was incredibly thank full for programs such as Esoteric Yoga – http://www.esotericyoga.com/ – that support us to re-connect to that fact, because society at the moment is more geared towards us being tough than tender.

  34. I reckon tenderness is the new black and the new in thing, once we start valuing this amazing quality we all have – how could we not absolutely treasure it and treasure who we are.

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