What I have noticed recently is that the way I am in one relationship has a direct impact on how I am in all my other relationships. This shows me the responsibility I have to not hold back in any relationships and to be open with everyone I meet. I have spent so many years putting on a façade that I am OK, so it is a big change to be more transparent about what is really going on for me.
I’ve been on the ‘missing list’ for the majority of my life. Along with a lot of other ‘missing’ folk.
And the truth is, I have really missed me not being around.
I, like so many others, had access to a knowingness as a child of how we could and should be. I was aware of it from an early age. I didn’t speak often but when I did, it was for all.
I live in a small and old neighbourhood just outside one of the many cities in Australia. Having lived there for over 10 years I have noticed families come and go, with employment issues and downsizing of family units. What has been interesting to note in the last few months has been the selling and buying of a number of houses near me, and in recent weeks the home next door and one across the road.
The same real estate agent was organised to sell both homes and dropped past my front yard one day while I was gardening, asking if I could give her a short summary of the neighbourhood, as she was setting up a profile for potential clients moving into the area.
It occurred to me that these days the word ‘relationship’ is mainly used to refer to an intimate, romantic or sexual relationship and I wanted to find out whether that had always been this way. When I looked it up, I found that before 1944 this had not been the case and it made me wonder how they got to the exactness of that date?
I also learnt that the word ‘relationship’ comes from the Latin ‘referre’, to bring back.
In the last 8 months or so I have been looking at how sympathy has played out in my life, especially in my relationships with others.
But sympathy is a good thing, I hear you say with a puzzled look???
The more I unpack, feel, observe and be honest about how sympathy works its way in and through interactions, connections and relationships, the more I am understanding that sympathy is quite the opposite to what we have been sold and have believed it to be in life, and quite truthfully, how absolutely harming and poisoning it is for our bodies and for us to be in.
About two and a half years ago I went to see my esoteric healing practitioner to talk specifically about what I felt was the inevitable end of my 23-year relationship with my partner. My usual steady emotional manner had been thrown into disarray and I was what can only be described as an ‘emotional wreck.’ I could see no way of preventing what was going to be a calamity, not only for myself, my partner and our son, but for our friends and family.
My assumed certainty that our relationship had come to an end was borne out of another certainty and that was that I could no longer continue in the relationship as it was. My feeling that there had to be more to this relationship – and all relationships – had been growing for a while and now I was simply unable to ignore it. Thinking about living the rest of my life in the relationship as it was brought up feelings of despondency, and yet prior to the last couple of years I had never once questioned our being together.
I have had a deep yearning that craved to be in true relationship with others that was meaningful, supportive and loving and for which I have spent my life seeking but never truly established because I had not first developed love or acceptance of myself – I was expecting it to come from another initially. I was afraid to truly be loved and to be love.
All of my relationships were a great distraction from not feeling or taking responsibility for my choices. I blamed others for my not feeling loved, accepted or appreciated – imposing my own insecurities and lack of self-worth onto another.