I used to have a repetitive dream where I would fly out of the window of the bedroom where I slept as a child. My arms would flap like crazy and I’d do this kind of frantic breaststroke movement that would just about lift me off the ground – there was usually something coming after me so it wasn’t a nice dream at all.
In another regular dream, I would be on a trapeze swinging at a great height. I would feel much fear and vertigo, and when I fell off, I would wake up in a cold sweat!
I look back at these dreams that repeated themselves so much during my infancy, adolescence, and part of my adult years, and I realise that they had a lot to do with fear and my attempts to control life so that the worst wouldn’t happen.
The message was clear perhaps, but the fear was deep-rooted and the dreams continued until one day I actually decided to let go – in fact, I became adept at doing this in these kinds of dreams and started to enjoy the fall and ‘play’ around in that lucid experience. I even began to control my breath so that I would have that kind of dream. But this kind of letting go is not surrendering at all!
It highlights for me the false perception that I had of this word SURRENDER. It’s obviously no mistake that powerful words, which offer much evolving such as these, are often interpreted in ways that offer no expansion.
I once read, for example, that surrendering was about letting go of the ‘ego’ and facing the VOID where one would find peace. It sounded just like the perception I had of death too. Ever since I can remember I’ve heard expressions such as, “They’re at peace now – they don’t have to suffer anymore.” If we think that death is the ultimate surrender, it’s no wonder that we have this false perception that there is no empowerment or responsibility in surrender – in fact, surrender sounds a bit like an escape or something that we ultimately have to face and have no control over.
It also highlights that when true surrender is offered for me to choose, I often seek stimulation instead. I can get distracted or stimulated by the drama of arguing my case, proving a point or seeking reward as in checking out and looking for a peaceful solution. What a fabulous opportunity, therefore, to catch myself out in this little game. If I search for stimulation or reward, what am I not surrendering to?
And every time I:
Try to be a better person
Try to fit in and be ‘good enough’
Try to be liked by everyone
Try to escape the horribleness of what I feel coming at me – the attacks, the judgements, and the comparison
Try to be nice
Or try to prove my point, justify, defend, compare etc. etc.
… what is really being offered first?
Could it be that I’m offered the magnificence of the fact of being a Son of God?
Could I surrender to THAT?
Because there is no trying in ‘surrender’ but rather an invitation to deeply trust, I can let go of the fallacy that I’m in control of life. Amazingly I can still function as a human being – a vehicle of expression that is impulsed by a foundation of truth, love, harmony and joy.
Where is the trying in that?
And when I have caught myself holding on to control, such as not giving in during an argument, imposing my way of doing things onto another, or strategising to get a particular outcome in life, I have also been tricked into thinking that I’m surrendering by withdrawing or retreating – a kind of checked-out response such as “Oh, I give up!”
There’s no responsibility there, no love, and no evolving whatsoever.
If I’m really honest, I know where the opportunity to surrender is. It’s not a flashing neon sign but an unremarkable signpost which is easily missed and always offering a new way.
Rather than choosing that way when things have gone awry like it’s my last resort, I can choose to make it part of my living way.
It does feel like I’m letting go, but letting go responsibly and purposefully, rather than out of any reaction to what I cannot control.
I’m getting lots of opportunities to choose to truly surrender and I appreciate the opportunity to go there, because far from being an escape, the responsible action of surrender, by reconnecting to the stillness within myself and expressing from there, feels beautifully humbling.
And I ask within:
Am I humble enough to surrender to the fact that I am a Son of God and that I can choose to express as such – that there is nothing to be better at, no point to prove, and no inequality?
Am I able to let go of the hurts that I’m hooked to and which keep me in reaction and under a false illusion of being separated, and instead express in obedience to the love from my inner heart?
Not that long ago I was participating in an emotionally heated argument and I realised that I had wanted to hold onto the idea that ‘I’ was right. The anger passing through me was relentless and painful and I spent some time with an inner dialogue going around in my head confirming to myself that ‘I’ was right. But then I saw through the setup …
How could ‘I’ be right – what ‘I’ am I talking about – the one that is trying to control the outcome of the argument?
Then I felt the offer of true surrender without holding on to the I – it felt so liberating and we both came back – no void – but a space that felt clear and loving. It offered everything in that moment – wisdom to not focus on the emotions, love to allow the space for both of us to realise, and the intelligence to express what was really going on and apply it in future relations.
I had surrendered to Surrender.
This doesn’t end here – it’s not a ‘happy ever after’ kind of blog because the opportunity to surrender is in every interaction, conversation, relationship and task. It’s never about perfection but it certainly is about observation and I’m seeing the opportunities of true surrender like shards of light coming up through the cracked floorboards of control.
They looked solid before, but now, letting myself slip through those cracks and into the true light feels so expansive and joyous.
“We do not often like to surrender and this is because we do not want to lose our individuality. The deeper you go into the body, by the process of surrendering yourself to it, the more you let go of your individuality, for in there, in the deepest within, rests the all, all of us.”
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume II, ed 1, p 427