I was introduced properly to the concept of possession at acupuncture college. Possession, we were taught, had nothing to do with an entity entering your body and causing your head to spin around as in The Exorcist, but was a relatively common energetic block. Trauma, drug and alcohol abuse, or even prolonged periods of meditation could make one more susceptible to possession. It could be diagnosed by looking into someone’s eyes to determine their ‘reachability’ and via the pulses. Possession, we were taught, could manifest subtly, with the person still fully functioning and going through the motions of life but not fully present in it, or dramatically, in the case of severe mental illness.
Training to become acupuncturists, we were taught how to clear this block using specific techniques and treatments. Whilst some tutors were adamant that it had nothing to do with discarnate beings, others didn’t rule out such influences, but the overarching feeling was that it wasn’t necessary to know what caused the possession or exactly what force had taken over a patient, only to be able to diagnose and then clear it.
This never sat well with me. Surely what caused it and the machination behind this is precisely what mattered, especially given this particular offshoot of eastern medicine touted itself as treating the root cause of illness and disease. As with all of my acupuncture training, I would come to discover that this was a corruption of the truth, designed to hide the fact that there is much more at play in this world than meets the eye.
Over several years of regular acupuncture treatment, I myself had had possession cleared on numerous occasions as a patient. I admit, the treatment did always make me feel dramatically clearer and ‘in my body’ again, but I questioned why the disconnected feeling always seemed destined to return at some point. What was actually going on? What was truly causing this?
Almost two years ago, I had a rather shocking and dramatic awakening to the fact that despite intellectually knowing that ‘everything is energy’ via working with energy in the clinic room as an acupuncturist, and via my new age explorations, in actual fact, my awareness of energy and the truth of our existence was very limited. Despite always being plagued by existential questions and feeling unsatisfied with the answers I uncovered from various gurus, spiritual books, and energy practitioners, I ended up resigned to the lie that no one really knows what’s happening behind the scenes, what happens when we die, whether discarnate beings actually exist or not, and so it’s simply not possible to ever discover the truth behind such matters.
At the time I was living with one other female in a pokey little flat. It was an arrangement borne of convenience – we were both forced to move out of our previous locations at short notice and didn’t want to live with strangers. She was a patient of mine who had merged into a friend. I overrode my feelings of discomfort about the set-up, dismissing this as my oversensitivity, not trusting my internal radar. I was also conscious that I’d withdrawn from life and contracted and isolated myself from others, and so there was an underlying intention and a calculation on my part to live with someone who I viewed as the antithesis of this – extroverted, emotionally expressive, ambitious, sociable, etc. I had a picture of how it would be – she would bring me out of my shell again and introduce me to new people who were on my wavelength, we’d watch box sets together, share intimate conversations about our feelings and basically be like sisters.
Of course, it was nothing like this.
One evening, about one month after moving in, my flatmate announced that her best friend was coming over for dinner and invited me to join them. When her friend arrived carrying a bottle of wine, I felt my heart sink – I’d given up drinking eight months prior, and while I didn’t miss it at all, I found it quite uncomfortable being around anyone drinking, having to field questions about why I wasn’t partaking, feeling the social anxiety arise that I used to cover up with alcohol, and finding it even harder to relate to people when they were under the influence. It also made me cringe witnessing the loss of control people have over themselves, the amplifying of their personality traits, the heightening of their emotions – a stark reminder that this was what I’d sold out to for decades. While I had absolutely no desire to drink that night, or ever again, I wanted to fit in and make new friends and I was finding it hard to navigate the world as a sober person, not knowing anyone else in my circle of friends who was teetotal.
Although I didn’t drink any of the alcohol that was served that night, I could feel myself wanting to belong. Rather than just being authentic, I could observe myself putting on my mask, digging out personality traits fit for the occasion, and putting on an act, pretending to be excited and enthusiastic about how amazing their plans were for a boozy and drug fuelled island birthday celebration, when in reality, my stomach was twisting at the thought and I couldn’t think of anything worse. I also noticed I was swearing a lot, a habit I’d forgone over the past months, and talking nostalgically about my ‘long lost’ hedonistic party days as if to plead, ‘See I wasn’t always this boring’. I shoved down the little voice of my Soul that lovingly enquired of me, “Why are you being like this?”, “Why do you feel the need to say these things, to be anything other than you are?”
After our guest left, I noticed that my flatmate seemed powerless to stop drinking, despite having to work the next day and there only being straight whisky left in the flat. It was at that point that I started feeling really uncomfortable. I noticed that her eyes had turned black and she was very clearly not herself. I also started to notice that I felt oddly out of my body – very heady and like I was tipsy, despite remaining alcohol free. Strangely, my voice also didn’t feel like my own. I don’t recall exactly what was spoken between us, but I remember feeling triggered by what my flatmate was saying. Whatever had come over her knew exactly which buttons to press to hurt me, sparking the same predictable narratives that my mind had been feeding me for years – ‘You’re not good enough, you’re socially awkward and don’t fit in, there’s something wrong with you, you’re a fraud, no one likes the real you’, etc. etc.
One topic of conversation I do remember was about travelling. My flatmate asked me if I would be interested in going to Peru to take part in an ayahuasca retreat with her. Again, the internal alarm was sounding (the idea of taking ayahuasca made my stomach twist with dread), but again, I silenced it. I found myself agreeing that it sounded fun and that I was ‘in’ for this adventure.
The following morning was horrendous. Having spent the best part of 25 years binge drinking and suffering with horrific hangovers, I am very well versed in what a hangover feels like – it has a very distinctive flavour and effect on my body. I woke feeling like I’d drunk three bottles of wine. Without anybody having to tell me, I knew that I had somehow absorbed something through my flatmate, that some sort of force had entered my body that I was having trouble clearing. Thankfully, I had an online session booked with an esoteric practitioner that morning, and from the depths of our previous conversations about energy I knew I wouldn’t be seen as crazy in raising this. When I relayed what had happened, my reading of the situation was confirmed. When you drink alcohol, it’s like you’re opening the door and inviting entities to come in and take up residence in your body, hence my flatmate’s black eyes.
I realised that energy had entered the flat and then fed off my life force, my kidney energy (a term I was already familiar with as an acupuncturist) during the night, which is why I felt so terrible. During the session I was able to focus on feeling my body and focusing on the sensations – this time it was the searing migraine and stabbing pain behind one eye like someone was jackhammering it, severe nausea, dizziness, anxiety, and foggy-headedness. After 15 – 20 minutes of this I did feel that a little of the heaviness had been released and I felt some relief. This was to be short-lived.
Following the session, I was repulsed by the fact my body had been invaded in such a way, and felt anger towards my flatmate for allowing it in. I became aware of a strong intention to clear the energy from my house and my body.
It was on the bus journey, halfway into work that it started hitting me again with a huge wave of nausea, sweating and searing pain in one eye. I managed to hold it together until the next stop and then staggered off the bus. I was on a main road with limited shrubbery and no place to hide my indignity but I knew there was no holding back what was coming. My legs buckled and in true ‘Exorcist’ style, I started projectile vomiting. I knew that my body was violently trying to clear itself of the energy that had imposed itself upon me. The vomiting continued for a good 15 minutes – by the end I was so shaky and weak I could hardly stand and walk. I somehow managed to make it the rest of the way into work where fortunately there was a free room with a couch on which I could lie down.
The uncontrollable vomiting continued for several hours – often I was so weak I could only crawl to the rubbish bin. It would come in waves, playing out exactly the way my hangovers always did. I knew this was too big for me to clear alone and that I needed some physical support with my body, so I reached out to another esoteric practitioner for a body work session, explaining briefly what had happened. The journey to the clinic was excruciating to say the least, and everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The roadworks and traffic were so bad that my Uber driver was forced to pull over and drop me at a tube station after we’d only inched along for the best part of half an hour. I’ve no idea how I navigated that trip on public transport. Somehow managing to hold it in on the underground, I was humiliated when I surfaced outside the tube station and promptly projectile vomited all over the street amidst the hustle and bustle of the lunchtime corporate crowd.
When my practitioner took a look at me, the first thing they asked was, “Have you seen your eyes?” I hadn’t. I’d been too sick to hold my head up or to clock much at all beyond surviving the day. I looked in the mirror, shocked that my eyes registered the same blackness I’d noticed in my flatmate’s the night before. The practitioner, as had my practitioner earlier that day, confirmed that I had in fact allowed an energy (aka entity) into my body. I was then asked an unexpected question that took me off guard, “What did you say to your flatmate?”
I’d expected validation of my anger towards my flatmate, to reinforce my need to be the victim, despite the fact that it had been presented to me on many previous occasions that evil can only touch you when you touch it. Although I wanted to pretend that I didn’t know what my practitioner was talking about, I was being asked what I had said and what my opening may have been to allow this energy in. I didn’t want to take responsibility but reluctantly shared about the ayahuasca conversation. It became apparent to me that this giving of my power away in order to ‘belong’ was my invitation for this energy to enter my body. I realised then that the blame game was all an illusion. There was no point being mad at my flatmate – I had chosen to live with someone I knew liked to drink and I had to take responsibility for the fact that I’d given myself over to this energy. Besides, who was I to judge? How could I possibly, when I’d been swimming in that same swamp for two decades myself.
I could feel something clearing in my body as we spoke, but it wasn’t until I got on the treatment table that I felt the full imposition of what had occurred. During the treatment, as I was lying face down, I literally felt something peel off and lift away from me.
The clearing continued after I arrived home. Lying in stillness (and a lot of pain) on my bed, I asked my Soul for a healing – not to relieve the pain I was in, (I took full responsibility for that) – but to be with me, to show me what I needed to learn from this experience, to hold me as I navigated this new level of awareness that had opened up to me. At no point was I concerned about the violence with which I continued vomiting after that. I knew that it was a momentous clearing in my body, likely of lifetimes of accumulated abuses and self-destructive consciousnesses.
I never saw life the same way from that point on – everything I thought I’d ever known or been told about reality had been turned on its head. It was like something out of the movie ‘The Matrix’. Through this experience I learned that nothing is as it seems. There was no longer a woolly concept in my mind that ‘all is energy’ – it had been clearly revealed to me that if all is energy (which it is), there must be a source of this energy, one source is loving (the energy of Soul), and the other, which is the complete antithesis, also very much exists and is one I definitely don’t want to allow in.
I also learned that my body is alive and communicating to me in every moment, showing me the truth of a situation, and it’s up to me to listen and not override its messages. Most importantly, I was shown that I am not a victim and have a choice of which energy I align to, and a responsibility to deal with my hurts, so that I’m not so exposed and vulnerable to being attacked like this again.
“It is all energy, and as such, whatever the ‘thought’, action or action-of-inaction or reaction, it will be energy during and thereafter as it was energy before any action, reaction or inaction took place.
“And therefore, we are vehicles of expression, for we are that through which energy passes and communicates what it is. The ‘it’ is the energy and therefore we are its mediums, vessels through which light or energy communicates.
“And hence, the energetic responsibility of knowing and will-fully choosing what source is going to pass through you and make you its messenger.”
(Serge Benhayon, Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Volume 2, page 223)