Over time I have come to realise that I engage in the same or similar behaviours that I judge or dislike in other people. I am also becoming more aware of where and when I do this. The next question that arises is, “Why do I do that?”
Coming out of the arrogance of “I don’t do that!” to the curiosity and humbling of “Where do I do that?,” into the understanding of “Why do I do that?” helps me get on top of my judgment of others by addressing what it is within me that needs to be looked at.
This process is a great step towards self-responsibility as I learn to understand myself and others more deeply. Asking myself these questions allows more intimacy to develop in my relationship with myself and others, which over time cuts out any comparison, judgment or competition and clears the way for me to see where I also engage in the same unloving behaviours that I was once judging others for.
For example:
When I find myself judging another person as being ‘needy,’ I have noticed just how much ugliness and vitriol I have been capable of verbally throwing their way or even worse, thinking about them, that then taints every single interaction I have with the person I have judged so harshly.
This is the arrogant “I don’t do that!” stage.
The more I connect to my body and listen to how it feels as a result of my choosing this kind of judgment and ugly behaviour, the more I can feel it taking its toll on my body and this awareness is what starts to break my defences down. This is when the question “Where do I do that?” comes into the picture.
Over time, having repeated this behaviour I have gained a greater awareness of where I act in a needy way and have learnt that it is by going back and connecting to myself that I am able feel how these behaviours are affecting my body and other people.
This is the part that eventually allows me to ask myself the all-important question, “Why do I do that?” In this space there is an invitation to be deeply honest with myself, and in the case of being needy I have come to realise that it has stemmed from a deep hurt of not being seen as a child for who I had innately felt myself to be, and the feeling of a deep sadness in disconnecting from that knowing of myself at an early age. I have come to understand that the neediness is a seeking, but the connection that will truly stop the search is the connection within myself. I left myself and then sought others to fill what I refused to fulfil within myself.
While this is a work in progress in reducing my need of others and connecting deeper within, I find that this understanding of myself wipes away the judgment that then gets dumped onto others and taints all relationships.
I often ask myself questions such as: “What responsibility am I avoiding?”… or, “What is my responsibility?”… because underneath all my unloving expression is a divinity that I am responsible for showing and shining into the world. These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us. So, if I live, holding my divinity as precious beyond words, I am communicating to others… “This divinity is acceptable and accessible and the truth of who we innately are and how we can live”… and it is this I have come to realise that I have been avoiding – the holding of this inner knowing of who I truly am for all to feel.
So then… why do I do that?
Coming to this answer I have to be honest, connect to my body and go deeper and feel the depths of self-rejection, as a way of understanding why I do what I do. It could be that I have held onto a hurt from a past expectation not being met: I could be holding onto a belief that I, others or life should be different and thus I am trying to make it into what I believe it should be over and above what the truth of the matter is at the time.
All this rejection and avoidance is foreign to that which is within me; it is not naturally a part of me. Being open and honest in this way helps bring an understanding to my own and others’ behaviours, for when I am not acting from who I know myself to truly be I tend to take things personally – which hurts me – so to come to this understanding feels liberating as I no longer feel held in the cycle of berating myself for something that is not even truly from me in the first place. It exposes where I have lived in a false light of who I am and not in accordance to the divine light within me.
Asking myself “Why do I do that?” and other like questions comes in when I have chosen to be honest, raw and real with what is truly driving me to do what I do in life. It is a great tool of self-reflection and helps bring a greater understanding to myself, others and life situations.
By Leigh Matson, Learning Disability Support Worker, UK
Related Reading:
The Science of Reflection – what is it reflecting to us?
Reviewing, reflecting and appreciating our choices
Is change possible? Understanding the choices we make and why!
Words on Serge Benhayon 
Gill it is interesting that for most of us we live life not really thinking about it or really noticing that it happens, we call this being on auto pilot. This is a withdrawal from life because at some stage we have decided not to fully engage with life, maybe because we feel let down by life? We blame the world rather than our part in it, this is what needs our attention.
❤ Thank you Leigh, we do feel everything in our body and learning that it is not a gut type of thing is exposing the fact of what True light❤ feels like in our bodies.
There is so much more going on around us than we maybe want to admit to. So, we have a situation where we go into reaction, but what are we reacting to? Are we being shown something which we do not want to see and therefore by going into reaction this masks the learning that was on offer? When we go into reaction we spiral into judgement, justification, victim mode etc., it keeps us stuck in a pattern until we regain our awareness that actually we are being played with by an energy as yet unseen that actually feeds off our reactions. If we did not react, they would not be able to exist that’s worth considering next time we react to ask ourselves why am I reacting what is really going on here?
The more conditions that are felt in life then the more the feeling of judgement has crept in thus exposing the conditional-ness we have around others, thus then deepening our evolution and exposes the lies we have been living.
“I have come to understand that the neediness is a seeking, but the connection that will truly stop the search is the connection within myself. I left myself and then sought others to fill what I refused to fulfil within myself.” Neediness is definitely from an emptiness, I usually have a picture I’ve bought into as well that I have given my power to around how ’great’ life will be when I get that outer thing, but it’s never the case. It’s a real trick because all we are is within and we don’t need anything. Thanks Leigh for all the reminders here that responsibility for self is key in neediness and judgement.
Melinda I was struck by Leighs words this morning and saw that you had commented on them too.
I am discovering that the neediness that Leigh talks of is the loss of our connection to God and the universe. This is the emptiness that can never be filled while we are in the disconnection which we then seek in others. The only way to fill our emptiness is to rediscover our connection with God and discover from this relationship the riches we carry within us but at the same time for whatever reason we deny ourselves from having. We actually starve ourselves of God which is the most important aspect of us.
“These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us.” What a great way to look at ourselves and take deeper responsibility to simply be the love we are. There are so many gems of wisdom in the blog, thank you Leigh.
There is something in these words
‘“These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one”
It feels to me that these words have been used before as a way of belittling so that we never reach that inner core or essence of who we are its a curse, said in such a way that we stop looking and accept the rottenness of life instead.
Thanks Mary, it does feel true what you have shared here. The human being is so thoroughly assaulted by negative ideas about itself that no wonder many give up or accept a life of mundaneness or misery – when actually our inner true essence is so glorious and divine.
This process still continues today I find. Just last week I understood another area of life that has been dominated by judgement towards others and quickly I was able to feel how yuck it is, call it out and start unpicking it. Not being judgmental towards others is a different reflection because even in hidden guises (as recently found out) judgement can be going along in the background.
If we leave out the conditions we place on others then the judgment’s are also always simply exposed.
Hey Greg perhaps we should ask ourselves the question where are these conditions coming from? We also have expectations on ourselves and others which is a huge burden. As an example, many of us have an expectation that our children will have a better life if they go to university get a degree etc., but where do these ideals, beliefs, expectations come from? Is it possible that we have been convinced that the answers to life are to be found outside of us, out there, somewhere, but what if this was a lie and that actually the answers to life are actively living within us all.
Agreed Mary, life is full of conditions that are place outside of the Truth❤ of who we all innately are and when these blogs become a normal conversation around the dinner table maybe people will start to understand the path of return, as the corruption is seemingly exposing itself at present and many are asking for the Truth❤️.
Leigh I was with a group of people recently and we were talking about how on one level we can say something positive to someone but on a different level we can be in jealousy and comparison and be completely slamming them with the energy of jealousy while smiling at them at the same time. So as you have said there is a lot going on in the background that we are not aware of, but it is still going on. What I am waking up to is that we lack the understanding of what is actually taking place in life on levels we have disconnected from.
We would all be completely in the dark about this science that is not talked of, if it wasn’t for the presentations of Serge Benhayon and his ability to unpick the unseen energy that literally plays with us. We are mere puppets for this energy because we have given our power away to it. Serge Benhayon constantly reminds us that we are so much more than just humans we are beings in a physical body that we have labelled human as the outer shell that contains the being, hence the word human-being.
This was a blog I needed to read today, I appreciate how you say
“These behaviours are never about uncovering my rotten core, for there isn’t one. They are the consequences of me ignoring and rejecting the divinity that can be found equally within each and every one of us.”
So for me the question then becomes why do I avoid this inner knowing of who I am and where I come from and why do we try to hide from the truth of who we all are? Is it possible that if we were to stop long enough to feel we would get a sense of the rejection we received as children when we were not accepted and cherished for the light we carry within us?
We could always ask ourselves, what energy am I aligning too? First always comes the choice of energy we align to well before anything else.
Absolutely, once we have the alignment to our divinity, we are then free to understand who we Truly-are.
Judging other people is also very controlling as we control what we think other people can either handle or cope with. But who are we to judge? And that is why it is so controlling, but why are we so obsessed about controlling others and life? And is this want to control a learnt behaviour which keeps us apart from others and so endorses that sense of being an individual. While we perpetuate this desire to be individual it will keep us from the understanding that we are all equal and come from the same source.
Thanks Leigh, I really needed to read this today! This is something I need to bring into my life again and also look more deeply at taking responsibility for staying connected to myself, rather than looking for something from others or having expectations or demands on people. I have had some big reactions recently in a relationship, and underneath it was the realisation I was doing those things myself.
And by living in alignment to our Essences, Inner-most-heart / Souls, we also are living in the appreciation of our divinity and the reflection we receive from others.
‘All this rejection and avoidance is foreign to that which is within me; it is not naturally a part of me.’ That’s crucial in the process of unravelling to come to the truth of what life truly is about and not go in a new reaction like beating up yourself.
Observing a true reflection from another who is moving in connection to their inner-most being is an inspiration to walk and talk your own true way of living.
We do it because we are not connected in that moment to our soul, we do it because we are aligned to an energy that gets off on comparing itself with another, awesome Leigh you noticed this and called it for the imposter it is.
At work, if I am not paying attention to my movements, I can easily get caught into reactions. If I am together in everything I do, then I can observe and not absorb.
And thus can respond with Love and Harmony from our Soul.
What you are both saying Alexandre and gregbarnes888 is that if we pay attention to our every move and move within the harmony of the universe then we are aligned to an energy that we could say is reaction- less there is only pure love which as you say Greg comes from our soul. The more we align ourselves to the soul the deeper we can feel and connect to heaven once again.
Thank you Mary, and may I add that the 12 constellations are also worth while opening our hearts too as much has been opened by this connection.
Awareness. Such a truly awesome awakening as when we have more awareness of how we live including of our thoughts, actions, movement … basically all forms of expression (like you shared about being aware of judging others) that is when we can change them 🙌✨❤️
While there is much simplicity in these last steps I must say, sometimes getting past the “I don’t do that!” can take a while. Connecting to the body repeatedly is the only way to chip away at that arrogance.
I totally agree with you Leigh, there can be many layers to “I don’t do that!” and as you say the only way to release ourselves from our self made prison is to be prepared to look honestly at our behaviours as they are exposed to be healed. In the healing we are given the grace of space, the space to feel who we truly are.
Great to ask the question why we do things as it allows us to take a step back and see the root of it and I love what you share about first coming out of the arrogance and into the honesty in order to be able to get to this point.
This is a very honest blog that shows how we project onto others what we want to see, rather than checking in with ourselves and asking the question what’s going on for me. It’s fascinating how the desire to blame other is so strong in us, rather than checking in with how we are and what we are contributing to the situation.
It also shows the science of reflection and how it can be a powerful supportive tool. That which we see so clearly in others is actually what we need to look at within ourselves.
Awesome Leigh Honesty is the first step to healing negative behaviours.
Oh we humans can be so arrogant, choosing to be blissfully unaware of our imposition on others, very freeing (and exposing) it is when finally choose to be honest and look at our own behaviours.
I agree with you Annoymous, I have lost count of the number of times as a child and as an adult when I have pointed the finger so to say and said it’s your fault to another without ever stopping to consider my part in the equation. I’m only just beginning to allow myself to understand and appreciate the science of reflection and all that it offers.
When we can recognise that everything before us is a reflection that supports us to develop and evolve, especially when we are in reaction to it, we can deal with the reaction very quickly and receive the blessing of the learning.
Catching the crazy-ness of judging another, this comes with the obvious that we are also then judge-mental of ourselves – thus the earlier we catch these thoughts then the sooner we heal the underlying issues that is causing our contriving ways we thinking.
“Asking myself “Why do I do that?” and other like questions ……… It is a great tool of self-reflection and helps bring a greater understanding to myself, others and life situations” Self-reflection is an invaluable tool for learning, deepening and evolving.
I agree sueq2012, I am now fascinated by what is presented for me to look at within myself what is being shown to me so that I can learn and grow from the experience.
Reblogged this on and commented:
Over time I have come to realise that I engage in the same or similar behaviours that I judge or dislike in other people….
It’s a very constructive and purposeful way to work with the reflections people offer us, to examine why those particular behaviours unsettle us and then be honest about why we are judging or reacting. It’s a little too easy and comfortable living with a finger pointed at others, when the only person we can change and have the responsibility for is ourselves. It reminds me of a saying I heard “When you point a finger at someone three of your own fingers are pointing back at yourself.” Thanks Leigh, great to read this again.
I like that saying, it’s relatable. In my job often me and my client are subject to judgmental stares from strangers. Having not slept well for the past 4 days I’ve been pretty cranky and found myself silently staring and judging others on the bus today. I caught it and reminded myself that my poor choices that led to feeling cranky doesn’t give me permission to scowl at people!
Thanks Leigh for what you have shared here, I have those days as well where I am completely out of character and it’s a supportive point you’ve raised about it simply being a signal to check where our choices have been, and go back to increasing self care and love. It takes the criticism and judgement of self out of it as well.
I used to have so many days like that Leigh! Tiredness brought on much of my cranky behaviour, but as you say, it doesn’t give permission to scowl at others! These days I cant even recall feeling like this! getting sufficient sleep supports us so much – but isn’t always possible, depending on your work situation…..
I got to understand myself on a deeper level recently, I had an expectation of someone and as they did not fulfill my expectation I became frustrated and resentful. I have to say I then hated having these feeling because they were so hurtful to my body but the strength of these thoughts coming through me felt overwhelming. I tried all sorts of methods to support myself and in the end I just had to say something if I didn’t I felt I would explode. So I sat down with the person and we had a chat and it was amazing because it actually supported me to go deeper with myself by expressing in full no holding back. And this supported our relationship to deepen as the other person completely understood why I got so upset and we both agreed to communicate more with each other. Bringing understanding of why we react to situations rather than brushing them aside and getting on with life is so beneficial because it then can introduce harmony which nowadays is a very rare commodity.
Amazing that you expressed how you felt with the other which in turn supported you to go deeper and in turn supported the relationship to deepen. Very cool. Expression really is everything ✨
Wow Mary – this is great. Having someone to support us with our expression when we feel like reacting is invaluable. Thanks for sharing
Thanks Mary, I appreciate what you have shared here. I’m also learning the value of opening up conversations with people when I’m struggling with something in the relationship, my normal way would be to internalise it and stew on it, and then not know how to deal with the intensity within me of stuffing down something I needed to share.
Melinda that is exactly what I was doing, as my mother would have said to me I was stewing in my own juice, which is so toxic, this toxicity is then spread everywhere like bacteria and everyone gets tainted with it.
This is how I dealt with life as a child, I internalised it. So to be given the space to express the negative and toxic thoughts from my body was very freeing and my body felt less dense and more expanded.
“….. understanding of myself wipes away the judgement that then gets dumped onto others and taints all relationships.” When we bring understanding to a situation we reduce the chances of judging others. Could it be that we judge ourselves more and we then reflect this out onto others? Dealing with my own inner critic supports me to be less judgmental of others.
Absolute honesty with ourselves offers an awareness of why we do what we do and an understanding of why others do what they do.
Thank you again Leigh for this super wise and supportive article. I know that I cannot get close to the question, ‘Why do I do that?’ without a great big developing foundation of self acceptance and care. Because without that the ‘Why do I do that?’ comes laced with the poison of judgement and self condemnation. So asking the question and feeling how open, honest and understanding I can be with myself is in itself a great marker and revelation.
What a great lesson in psychology you have offered here Leigh. I was inspired by your willingness to ask the questions of yourself in such an objective way, and I get a sense of how liberating and loving this process can be.
When we don’t understand ourselves and don’t have that connection with ourselves we are going to judge others, develop a strong acceptance of ourselves and the mightiness we are and we are going to also have that same acceptance of others.
This is great Leigh, I too notice how sometimes I can have hideous thoughts about people, sometimes strangers and sometimes those very close to me. I started to ask similar questions as my reactions didn’t make sense considering I either didn’t know them or love them dearly. Asking why or what on earth is going on here has allowed me to realise my judgements on people and ultimately myself and begin to let them go.
Hi Laura when we are able to accept the fact that we don’t think that we are supplied these hideous thoughts, or any thoughts, then is it possible to let them go with the understanding that we are a transmitter of a vibration and depending on what vibration we are aligned to will give us the thoughts we receive. I am not sure humanity is ready to hear this yet as we have for eons been led to believe we think, we think, Humanity is currently led by a false intelligence.
Making our day to day about understanding instead of pushing on regardless is a huge shift. Just asking the question ‘why?’ is a bridge away from reaction, hurt and blame.
Asking ourselves why is always a good question following with then allowing ourselves to feel what is going on in the body. For example why do I not feel true settlement within me? This is something I have been asking myself lately and allowing myself to feel what is going on in my body and … why.
Hey Vicky 99.9% of humanity does not have anywhere near the settlement you speak of – our bodies are so racy and we consider this to be just who we are, racy which actually exhausts our bodies so that we then crave the simulates to keep us all going. This is a deliberate action by our spirit so that it doesn’t have to feel any settlement that it how it keeps us all in the disconnection to God as God is found in the stillness/ settlement that resides within all of us.
Spot on Gill – without realising what it is that we do, there is no next step in making a change. Observation is key. Thank you for this reminder and super valuable step!
I agree with both comments, I wasn’t able to make a step forward without a friend calling out what I had got myself stuck in. Then there is an opportunity to change the behaviour of indulgence and set myself free of its dominance over me.
There is often an ease in seeing what another does but a denial or fogging up of what we do so as to avoid the responsibility that is offered back to us.
Yes. This is true. And yet when we understand that all that we observe in others is a reflection for us, then true awareness can begin.
I find what helps is getting straight to the point and asking myself what responsibility am I avoiding?
We can learn so much about ourselves whilst observing and living with others. If there is a reaction that we have, something that another does that triggers us this is instantly an opportunity for us to learn and deepen our understanding of another and hence ourselves too.
Those are great and simple questions that offer us the opportunity of coming back to us. Simplicity and honesty are the gate/door to the understanding in that journey.
It is so easy to make a judgement about another, but what are we actually avoiding to see about ourselves that we don’t want to see? By avoiding seeing the truth of the reflection being offered to us, we are avoiding our power and evolution.
I agree and it is not necessarily something not great we don’t want to see about ourselves it could instead be something that we are not appreciating.
When I make judgements about others I need to turn my finger round and ask myself where do I do that too? It’s all too easy to get frustrated and then blame and criticise others but we need to attend to ourselves first.
Absolutely. I agree. In our judgement of others we are abdicating responsibility for the part we play in everything. It is totally passing the buck and feeds the dysfunction that is our blame culture.
““What responsibility am I avoiding?” Such a great question to ask ourselves – especially when I find myself going into old habits that I know no longer serve.
So true, Gill, for the only person we can change is ourselves.
When there is a behaviour in another to which I react, dislike and/or judge It is because in most cases it is a reflection of a behaviour in myself I do not like.
It helps so much in not taking things personal. Because if another is judging me then I know thats how they also relate to themselves.
Great point Leigh – this makes personal comments aimed at us much less hurtful. Still learning to not take things personally……
Then we blame life or others for not changing but it’s us that have to change.
It is a quantum leap to stop seeing circumstances as things that are just annoying or a pain in the butt but to actually start seeing them as opportunities and reflections to support us to grow and learn something about ourselves.
‘It exposes where I have lived in a false light of who I am and not in accordance to the divine light within me.’ How many of us in the world are currently living this and more importantly why?
When we ask ourselves the question, ‘why do I do that?’ with an openness and willingness to learn, it supports us to grow and be more aware of our choices but if we ask with judgement and regret it does the opposite.
The opposite cements the ill behaviour we say we don’t like. We may not like it but only love will shift it. Judging yourself or forcing change only burys the behaviour for a later date.
Understanding ourselves is great learning, and these types of questions deepen that understanding. It’s not always comfortable but great to look at so we can change our behaviours too.
I agree Gill, and these types of questions are great when we are willing to take responsibility for our choices.
‘When I find myself judging another person as being ‘needy,’ I have noticed just how much ugliness and vitriol I have been capable of verbally throwing their way or even worse, thinking about them, that then taints every single interaction I have with the person I have judged so harshly.’ mmmm how often do we do this (and pretend we don’t!!!) that is judge someone and hold them in a certain way/picture and imprison them in this picture. When we do this we are projecting onto that person and not allowing them just to be. It is us that is creating the image about the person not them. It will be great when we all learn not to do this. Having said that we can observe and allow ourselves to feel what is going on with someone without judging. Learning to be discerning is a great thing to do. I wish I knew that word more when I was younger … discerning and allowed myself to discern.
Vicky this is a great observation
“…that is judge someone and hold them in a certain way/picture and imprison them in this picture. When we do this we are projecting onto that person and not allowing them just to be. It is us that is creating the image about the person not them. ”
It gives everyone an opportunity to stop and consider how many times in one day do we project onto another wanting them to be what we want or expect them to be.
The more we ask ‘why’ the closer we get to feeling and appreciating that all our thoughts, intentions and actions come from another source, leaving us with the simple choice of which quality of source do I wish align to, Love or a poor imitation.
It is crucial to bring understanding to our behaviour. Why exactly is it that we do/ don’t do something. What in us wants to go there, bring something in our lives – regardless of whether it’s a positive or a negative, there’s a reason why we decide to do what we do and only our understanding of it can ensure that we keep doing it or never do it again.
When we ask ourselves ‘Why do I do that?’, our answers are many and varied. There will come a time when our collective answers are similar, if not the same. Our answers will be along the lines of ‘to reflect God in everything that I do’ of ‘to serve God in all aspects of my life’. Our answers will be a reflection of our collective merging rather than the fragmented state that we currently live in.
Why we behave as we do makes no sense, unless we consider that energy is occurring with every moment, as we choose to be aligned to the energy source of our choice.
Love this Leigh, the way you deepen your enquiries into your own behaviour is a great reflection for everyone to consider.
‘Over time I have come to realise that I engage in the same or similar behaviours that I judge or dislike in other people’. One of the reasons why we may potentially dislike these behaviours in others is because they reflect back to us areas we need to work on ourselves. It is much easier to deflect the resultant feeling of discomfort back onto another than to honestly address what is there to be looked at. If there were no judgment or discomfort, then we would simply be able to observe that behaviour in love and understanding. If there is unease there then it is a super indicator that we need to look deeper personally into the cause.
Interesting that some of our most vitriolic reactions towards others are caused by the behaviours that we have not understood within our selves. It is such an awesome revelation when we expose those habits, attitudes and beliefs that are not a part of our divine essence, just something we have learnt along the way.
I’ve learnt over the years that the person that irks me the most is well worth hanging around rather than avoiding. There’s a lot to learn underneath the reaction.
There is no doubt that when I bring judgement towards another back to myself and take the responsibility needed for my reaction it opens the door for intimacy in the relationship. What is the purpose of a relationship? – To evolve and deepen and become transparent with one another or is it to resist and fight, comparing ourselves to each other fighting what we have been offered?
What you shared here Leigh really shows how powerful it is to let go of judgement in our lives by simply dropping back a little and becoming more of the observer of life, instead of needing it to fit into some picture that we had of how things should be or end up, which can lead to emotional reactions when things do go ‘as planned’ and inevitably lead to exhaustion because we are not accepting the reality of things. Then, when you approached your choices from a standpoint of ‘why did I do that’ with such beautiful honesty and humbleness, it allows an opening for a greater awareness of life to come to you naturally, which you can then learn from and adapt to later similar situations that arise.
I’ve been reacting a bit to certain situations this week, each time allowing myself to feel more of the hurt of not being seen for the love that I am. Though I can understand I am the person who is unable to rescue them from their situation, their hurts etc. and they react without feeling and letting go of my hurts, their reactions get in. It’s through clearing my hurts that allows them the space to feel their pain and heal. Or they can choose to continue to blame and be angry but their choosing this is clear to me and clearer to them on some level.
We get hurt when we are not seen for who we truly are. But I sit here and ask myself: have I allowed others to truly and fully see me? I am starting to see it’s not about others being blind but asking am I in anyway covering myself?
A question that when directed towards our selves can only serve to enable us to understand not only our own behaviour but everyone else’s too, which could go a long way to fundamentally evolving our global relations.
Absolutely, Rowena. Humanity could do with a lot more of enabling ‘…us to understand not only our own behaviour but everyone else’s too…’ What a paradigm shift this would be for global relations indeed.
‘Asking myself these questions allows more intimacy to develop in my relationship with myself and others.’ I am finding this as well, Leigh. It’s the true meaning of intimacy that is being re-discovered here, an intimacy that comes from a love deep within that is shared with all equally so. The more self-love I am building, the more the gorgeousness of intimacy is given space. I used to believe intimacy was for a chosen other to be hoarded and kept – these days I experience intimacy in many moments during my day, whether with colleagues at work, my neighbours, my son, or during a fleeting and unexpected ‘good morning’ exchange with a fellow walker along the river.
When we commit to lovingly understanding ourselves and then feel ourselves go into judgement we can see it as an opportunity to explore what is being reflected to us which completely changes our relationship with ourself and others.
To consider why I do ‘that’ instead of something else is very important. Why hang on to old responses and reactions instead of letting go and being more of who we are?
How different would life be if we used these steps in our every day. “Where do I do that?” – it not only brings the question but it dissolves the possible criticism of “I always do that” which gives us a door to look at the reason as to why we do it. Brilliant, thank you for writing.
Imagine if this became the base line for many of our educational examinations, so that by the time we left school we would be very practiced in self-observation. What would an ‘A’ level or a Degree in this subject look like – if some of the young adults I meet today who have been raised with this question are anything to go by, it would be a very self-empowering and world changing subject to study.
Why do I do that? Why do I choose to be less than who I am instead of be more of me? What am I choosing to invest in out side of me? No one would believe it could be to reject who we truly are………but it is.
The whole concept of rejecting the enormity of who we are simply doesn’t make sense! Who would honestly say that they have actively chosen to negate the wonders of their divinity in favour of a reduced and functional life and yet we have chosen ignorance and function as a whole. The explanation for having done so is really quite simple, but in our denial we have convinced ourselves that function is simply how it is, thereby confirming our choice to be reduced and keep us there – quite comfortably so. In this nonsensical acceptance of how with think it is, the way to understanding how it is is to be open to the fact that there is much more at play in a universe that is all about energy and which is something we have also conveniently forgotten to be aware of, despite that fact that “everything is energy” (Serge Benhayon) is an inescapable fact of everyday living.
‘….to reject who we truly are…’ We have honed and refined this one to perfection. So much so that most of us aren’t even aware that this is what we are doing. It is what has been role modelled for us everywhere we turn and from every angle. Self-care is the first step up on the ladder of change, every rung offered an opportunity to re-claim more of who we truly are.
The moment we realise we are not perfect ourselves and in fact we ‘do do that’ then we cannot judge others for their behaviours or imperfections.
The realisation we “do do that’ brings humility – the gateway to accepting imperfections in others.
I’m humbled by the way soul places us in situations that call us to be more honest about ourselves. In some instances when this happens and I feel it, I know there’s more work to be done. Talking acceptance and being non-judgemental, is not the same as walking it.
We are constantly being offered opportunities to go deeper in our understanding and honesty with ourselves and then reflecting this in our movements.
‘I left myself and then sought others to fill what I refused to fullfil within myself.’ Self abandonment is a sickness, because when we do, all manner of ills and resentments step in to fill the void. Appreciating who we are including our failings and how far we’ve come, is an essential part. We can only continue to evolve if we do.
You are spot on Kehinde, seeking within us is far more productive that seeking outside of us.
‘in the case of being needy I have come to realise that it has stemmed from a deep hurt of not being seen as a child for who I had innately felt myself to be’ – this feels like something that most people can relate to Leigh and in knowing that I chose my parents I can feel the responsibility and feel this is something that I needed to deeply heal and clear.
Alongside asking ‘why did I do that’ is another factor to take into account and that is appreciation of the fact that I am asking the question at all, as all to many of us do not seek to explore how we are living.
I can relate to what you are saying here about expectations and if I hold on to them judgement soon follows behind.
‘Why do I do that?’ well each and every thing that we do, say and think we either carry out because we are being impulsed by an energetic source that is purely divine or an energetic source that is also divine but that is trying its hardest to be independent of its divine origins.
Yes, it is always looking beyond the physical human reasons why we do things and consider the energetic forces at play as well, for these can give us greater insight as to why we do what we do and can support a shift in this.
It is powerfully humbling to know it’s not another’s reaction or behaviour that is the problem, but how we respond to it.
I love the honesty and openness that you engender here Leigh. The more able we are to take a step backwards and observe our behaviour in the world without criticism, the more we can recognize and relinquish the behaviours that do not nurture the love that resides within us all.
The more we judge others because we see something the same in ourselves we build walls to protect our hurts and attacking others is an illusion to draw the attention away from us.
It is an immense question that we should learn from an early age and one that when honestly asked, as the power to transform the evil that we all too willingly allow to exist in this world.
We have all at some point judged another. But, why do we beat ourselves up over it? Two wrongs have never made anything right.
It has taken me quite some time to understand what this really means and I am still in the process of exploring this more practically. Whilst this has definitely become normal for me I feel that I have a way to go in embodying and living it.
“Asking myself these questions allows more intimacy to develop in my relationship with myself and others, which over time cuts out any comparison, judgment or competition…” It is very simple really and when we relinquish our need to be right, it opens the door for a beautiful self discovery and a wealth of treasures to be shared with all.
I got to feel very clearly what my ‘need to be right’ felt like in my body. It felt all consuming, accompanied by a charging quality that lead me in dogged pursuit of being ‘the winner’. Which in actual fact guaranteed that I was the loser.
I know that feeling very well too Alexis. Those little tell tale signs of the hands closing into fists and the torso leaning forward as we pursue our victory. It is amazing how our body always amplify our agendas.
“It is amazing how our body always amplify our agendas”. Exactly right Rowena. We could turn the volume to life off completely and still know exactly what everyone was communicating simply by reading their body language.
What are we not dealing with when we judge others and try to justify our actions by saying I don’t do that and believe our own press.
If we remembered that everyone else is just an extension of the One of Us then there wouldn’t be the perceived massive gulf that there is between us all and we would collectively and actively work together to lift one another up. As opposed to the way that most of us currently live, which is to constantly cut and undermine others, to be suspicious, aggressive, controlling, dismissive, jealous, bitchy, condescending, spiteful, hateful, resentful, vengeful and so many other things that are part and parcel of our everyday experiences of one another.
I know the arrogance of the “I don’t do that!” stage so love the deepening of the where’s and the why’s you ask Leigh. As we understand the process, we can start to see where it has been serving us and why we have continued that behaviour.
Good one, gillrandall. To feel into where our wayward behaviour has been serving us is quite a stop moment, as in “am I actually choosing to behave in this way because it is serving me??” To think that all our so called bad habits, playing the victim, etc., are chosen to keep us spinning in a cycle of irresponsibility that feeds the belief that life happens to us when all along it is the choices we are making that create the so-called reality before us is quite an eye opener. For many it may seem easier to blame the bad habits or the person who abused/bullied us for the way we limp through life and the identity it affords us, and so we choose to keep limping until such time that the limp becomes a broken leg or worse, or we experience a moment of clarity and clock the limp for what it truly is and start making choices that lead us back to who we truly are – no limping required.
Teaching ourselves to look at the reflections we receive from others is far more beneficial than judging and blaming others for their behaviours, especially as things do not just happen for no reason. There is so much on a daily basis to observe and feel into, and all is presented so that we can evolve if we so choose.
It is very important to note that when we ask ourselves ‘Why do I do that?’ that we ask with love and appreciation; we can only evolve or change our ways where there is love.
That’s a good point, Caroline, because often we can be so hard on ourselves and any smidgen of self-criticism is unloving. It’s good practice to observe our behaviour from a place of understanding with a willingness to be open and loving, as supposed to going into self-condemnation. After all wouldn’t we want to be as loving with yourself as we would be with others? This in itself takes practice and patience.
Observing with curiosity rather than criticism works well too,
This feels hugely significant, Caroline: “we can only evolve or change our ways where there is love.” Love is the key ingredient and yet, so much more than that. Love is the All.
Most of the things that we do share a common purpose and that is to avoid looking within.
The first step is having the awareness and then it is our choice from here as to what we do or where we go with this.
“Coming to this answer I have to be honest, connect to my body and go deeper and feel the depths of self-rejection” An essential self help tool that empowers us to realize that we are all the same and that somewhere inside our selves we are still rejecting just how awesome we truly are. We have so much to learn about the ‘why’ we do things and that the source of our judgments do not come from our essence but are false impositions from another realm.
Very wise, Ariana. One needs to become an observer, which re-connecting within enables.
Love this Leigh thank you for offering this up for us all. We all know what it is to react and how it feels, to have the awareness to go deeper and ask the question “Why did I do that? shows a willingness to learn. One recent example: I reacted when someone didn’t meet an expectation I didn’t know I had and the fall out for me was a feeling of upset inside. Seeing this and asking the question took me deeper. I spoke with the person concerned and found a quiet, slightly insecure man. All the ugliness came from me! We are transformers when we truly walk in love, accepting others as they are without any expectations.
“Why do I blame other people for things that I do myself?”, well to keep the heat off me of course.
“What responsibility am I avoiding?” A very powerful question to ask our selves when we are wanting to blame or judge another. It’s these moments that contain the biggest opportunities for true change within our selves.
It is through the commitment to connecting to my body that I am building an awareness to the behaviours that do not support me and this includes when I judge myself and others.
And if we can dispense with the critic on our shoulder, this is really good fun. Like a process of ongoing discovery and learning. I am beginning to enjoy this more and more.
Thank you, Leigh. I am actually coming to really appreciate those moments when I can feel myself react to someone else’s behaviour because I am learning that whatever it is that has triggered the reaction in me (yesterday it was someone avoiding work) is something I need to explore/excavate in me. And when I see and embrace these opportunities the learning is very cool.
When we acknowledge reaction as a means to support us it changes our whole outlook on a situation; we place responsibility for the reaction at the forefront and stop blaming the other person, thing or situation.
Why do we do that? It is almost like a computer, and we are hard wired to a control medium that keeps us on a one way band and we need to unplug all those ill ways and search for the Truth of who we are and re-plug that way of living into our daily rhythm.
It is a huge turning point in life when we realize that the common factor in all our woes is in fact our self! Bringing this level of self-awareness into daily life supports us to make huge inroads into cutting the judgments we hold about other people and our selves and connecting instead to the heart of gold that lies beneath all our idiosynchronicities.
There’s a part of me that’s very sneaky when exploring the topic of why I do the very things that I berate others for. It looks to justify and make excuses as to why it’s ok for me to do those things and not others. Of course it’s all rubbish, non of it is true, it’s simply more rot on top of the original rot of judging and berating others.
I know that I have to be super understanding of myself in this process; understanding and curious about why I behave in certain ways. This understanding is then natural in my relationship with others.
Leigh your honest investigative approach to your interactions with both yourself and others is inspiring and it’s easy to feel how this approach plays a major role in disentangling you from the binds of creation.
Neediness is something I have struggled with and yet the more I look at it as a reflection and a conversation there has been more understanding and less judgement. What are we not giving ourselves, what have we disconnected from that creates the gaping hole that thenceforward yearns to be filled?
I love your line of questioning here Leigh! I have also noticed that when I react to other people and judge them for what they are doing it is usually because I am reacting to and judging myself first for things I know are not loving.
Exactly and this understanding actually makes life so simple. If someone or something triggers us, we have a brilliant opportunity to get to know ourselves better.
Recognising that the things that trigger me in others to go into judgement are often an uncomfortable reflection of behaviours that I have not been willing to own up to in myself has been a revelation and is a continuing work in progress as I become more willing to be honest about my part in interactions and their consequences.
Whenever I see a behaviour in another to which I react, I have come to realise that it is a reflection of an aspect of behaviour in myself that I do not like.
Taking things personally is simply that – an exposure of that which is not true or that which is not divine and not an excuse or justification to beat ourselves up.
Wow Leigh what a beautiful honest and clear blog! Your way of writing and expressing is so understandable and comprehensible that it is a great joy to read everything about your journey to be more who you truly are!!!
An awesome sequence to truly get to the root of something. First realise we do it! Second be curious as to feel and be aware of it more and thirdly ask ourselves why so we can get to the root of it.
Neediness is a topic I’ve not paid full attention to when actually it’s huge for me and, I suspect most people, given we are brought up in the cultural conflict for being shamed for needing support whilst being taught to look outside ourselves for what it is we need.
The interesting thing is that many of us never get shamed for needing support but feel shame anyway.
If nothing is nothing then we see/hear/feel everything we do for a reason. And, if the only constant in existence is expansion, this reason must be for expanding our own awareness, understanding and compassion. We can either see and approach it like this or decide to be self-obsessed and look after our own comfort in situations.
I was certain just reading the title of the blog that it had been written by you Leigh. Awesome sharing of your continuous development – very inspiring and very practical approach, love every word.
Yes, I also love your inspiring and practical approach, Leigh not to mention your deep honesty and ability to reflect and observe what is going on for you.
Using the reflection that other people provide is a fantastic tool that is available to us every time we are in the company of others. And if we have chosen to live in an isolated village in the middle of nowhere then this also provides us with an invaluable reflection.
Yes it is through reflection from others and life itself that we learn and grow as people if we are open to receiving the reflection graciously.
Yes, everything is an opportunity to consider if we are engaging or disengaging. No judgement but a conversation.
When we are willing to be honest about our own behaviours then we can explore the reasons why rather than dumping our unmet needs on those around us and as I am discovering there are always deeper layers to uncover the more real we are willing to become.
“It is a great tool of self-reflection and helps bring a greater understanding to myself, others and life situations.” Simple and powerful questions to ask that can enable us to realize the deeper ‘why’ underneath our actions that as you say Leigh, stems from our avoidance of letting our beautiful divinity shine for all to see.
We have to stop judging and accusing everybody else of wrong doings and turn our long bony accusational finger lovingly at ourselves.
Yep and also stop judging ourselves! Yes to taking responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions instead of it being everyone else’s fault but it seems we are also great at being hard on ourselves and currently not so hot on the self love and appreciation. … which is probably why we then blame and are hard on others.
Yes to lovingly turn the finger round to pointing at ourselves without going into self-judgement which can be a distraction from exposing behaviours that do not support us.
“This process is a great step towards self-responsibility as I learn to understand myself and others more deeply”. The only way to understand others more deeply is by first understanding ourselves more deeply. We can profess to wanting to learn about others but if we’re avoiding understanding ourselves then in truth others will remain a mystery.
Brilliant Leigh. So many of us are stuck at even admitting our part. Now we can see, thanks to your words how this totally delays us getting to the heart of what’s going on. Guilt, shame and blame just convenient lies to delay true change.
You support others in similar positions when you ask these questions Leigh, as you deepen from the ‘where’ to the ‘why’, we get closer to the root cause of our behaviour patterns.
Going into reaction is a sure way to not feel the truth of a situation and the part we play in it. It’s great Leigh that you have brought things back to responsibility; a good dose of truth and responsibility goes a long way when it comes to healing our hurts.
Your great blog brought up a memory for me of many times when I would find myself asking the question- – ‘why do I do that?’ followed by the statement – ‘that’s not me’. Yes, it was if the decision to do a particular thing wasn’t made by me. But it wasn’t until many years later when I connected with the very wise presentations from Serge Benhayon that I realised the truth of what I was saying, for in truth it wasn’t me but the combined energy of a whole lot of unhealed hurts that was nudging me away from the direction I actually wanted to go, and to a place where I ended up hurting some more.
So true, there are moments where we behave in a way that just does not feel true to what we know our lived values to be. Whenever I have delved deeper I have always found the reaction and the behaviour was masking a hurt.
Why do I do that? Such a great blog Leigh – thankyou. Self enquiry and acknowledging what we truly feel, rather than accepting old beliefs and avoidances is a way to deepen and connect more within – and with God- which then enables us to connect more deeply with others.
Until we can allow a child to grow up in the confirmation that they are already everything they need to be they just need to live the grandness they are unencumbered. Then we will just keep perpetuating the same ills of life.
Asking ourselves questions and being absolutely honest with process of the cause and effect is to deepen our understanding of ourselves.
When we allow our thinking mind to influence our choices are we not lost?
To me what you are highlighting Leigh is how most of us are with our relationships; we seek others to fill the gap of who we are, because we seem unable to love ourselves.
“When I am not acting from who I know myself to truly be I tend to take things personally – which hurts me ” … and for me then follows the enactment of my patterns – this then beckons another question: who and what do I know myself to truly be, and how much of that I am willing to accept? This gap between what I say I know it to be, and what my body confirms in its movement and expression, is what creates angst when I don’t apply deep honesty.
Wonderful blog and timing. Recently I’ve have had a huge reaction to someone who asked for my help. I struggled with why. I know it was more than frustration of my advice ‘being ignored’; or my wish to be perceived as the proactive problem-solver. I could see the person was invested in creating problems. What I hadn’t appreciated was the level of need of this person was reminding me of how, growing up, I felt suffocated by the neediness of those around me and how I stepped into the rescuer role – cue the drama triangle of persecutor and victim also.
All my life I’ve pretended not to need people and to be independent. Now I’m at a place where I need support and it’s freaking me out. His neediness is reflecting a part of me that feels so needy I’ll engulf and alienate those around me. After a whole lifetime it’s time to befriend and support this part of me so I can heal and be responsible. Next time I meet this man I can say what’s needed with understanding and love, reflecting that he too has the skills to connect and cope. There is no reason for me to feel bad about myself – we are two people who have hurts to heal.
Whenever we get frustrated that someone has ignored our advice then this is an indication that we had some investment in them taking our advice in the first place. Again a beautiful opportunity for self reflection.
Questioning our own patterns and behaviours brings a beautiful deepening in self love and simplicity in life.
I don’t do that!… to Why do I do that? Is a great statement and question to ponder on and look into deeply in our own lives what it is that holds us back.
It is a slippery slope, that one leads to the other once we choose that path.
Yes, and we can get into ever decreasing circles until we are forced to stop and rethink.
When I ask myself the question ‘Why do I do that?’ I am on the path of healing. To ask the question I already have the awareness that my behaviours are not loving and I also have within the wisdom and movements to change those behaviours; it is a question of surrendering to take it to the next step of healing.
This question is definitely the key to opening the doorway to healing, but of course it is our choice if we use the key or not. Sometimes what’s behind the door may be somewhat painful to face but how amazing it is when we do, as finally we will be saying yes to that which has been holding us back in living our life to the fullest.
Great blog, Leigh. This comment in particular has played a big part in my life ‘…for when I am not acting from who I know myself to truly be I tend to take things personally…’ The more I return to acting from who I know myself to truly be, the more I understand how destructive and deeply harming taking things personally truly is for myself and those around me.
Great comment, supports me to really feel the harm in taking things personally. When I do I bring little understanding or love to the situation; reducing the space to heal for both parties.
I love the feeling of responsibility when asking questions such as “Why do I do that?” It drops all manner of arrogance, denial, judgement and defence, and allows for space to open up and love to say ‘hello!’
Hi Leigh, Your blog reads as a great self help guide for all, offering us tools to go deeper in a loving way to uncover all those sneaky ways we can avoid feeling our Divinity. Never have I read such gold in the numerous self-help books I used to troll through over the years.
Yes, Jane, this indeed a most powerful and practical self-help guide to understand ourselves and the source of our dis-content.