A Moment to Reflect

A moment of regret, frustration, disappointment, wondering why different choices were not and are not made, a life lived less than all that I am and that it could be…

These were some of the feelings that washed over me one morning recently after attending a Universal Medicine event: my own regret and devastation of living life in delay, in avoidance of living all of me in every single moment.

Why?

Great question, and one I asked myself many times that morning while sitting at my desk. My answer to myself: there was no reason other than my own choice to not live anything more than what I had been choosing and had chosen up until that point.

I have always had an innate feeling, a knowing of what was needed, the choices I could make and should make, but avoided at all costs. Distractions and excuses were always close at hand: computer work, household duties, children, work, eating, shopping – you name it, there was always a plethora of things at my beck and call when I needed to avoid feeling the purpose of life.

If things were going well, it flowed. I was healthy, financially well off and supported, no arguments in the relationship, the kids were happy, so why bother to change anything. Sure, a few adjustments here and there at times with my routines, rhythms, relationships and diet, but that was it, and to be honest, at the time I felt like that was enough.

I was making the odd adjustments, what more was there to do?

Even with this thought, there was always a tension in my body, a knowing that that was not enough, that even though my life looked amazing, it still was not it.

I was sitting back resting on my laurels, and when the realisation came that I was where I was at because of my own choices, that just because life was ‘good’ – it did not give me a free pass to kick back and relax.

There is always more to me, to life, to the bigger picture and the purpose. Life is not meant to stop still, it is forever unfolding, deepening and developing, and I was the only one that could initiate that – no one else. The realisation and devastation of what I had been avoiding was overwhelming, it hurt and was not something I could run away from; it was in my body, raw, uncomfortable and confronting.

I could hear the children play and sing in the backyard, unaware of my tears that flowed and the thoughts I had been allowing to come in to keep me in a state of Un-Godliness, a state that had been impacting on everyone in one way or another.

The choices I had made and was making created a tension in my body, a tension that would come out at times in frustration, resentment, comparison and judgement of and towards others – not because of anything they had done, but because of what I was not doing or living. My heart ached, as if it had been ripped out, broken in two and stomped on, a pain and devastation I had never felt before.

The biggest hurt of all was that I had allowed myself to continue to live in such a way for so long with the absolute knowing and awareness of what I was choosing and doing. I’ll do it tomorrow, one more day won’t hurt, but tomorrow never came, and it did hurt. Avoiding tomorrow meant I didn’t have to feel the hurt.

It had become a game: how far can I go, how much can I stray and yet still come back when I wanted to? But what I have come to realise is that each time I take that step away from what I know to be true and needed, I only ever take half a step back to myself as I begin the walk back through the muddy footprints I walked away in.

Walking away from the presentation yesterday, I could feel the discomfort and awkwardness in my body, how I had begun to give myself a hard time for not living the more, for not making different choices when they were presented. The regret and beating myself up began to flow thick and fast, and it had a good hold on me for most of the evening and the following morning.

Now I have a decision to make, whether to walk back through the mud, through the imprints I left behind, to walk in the glory that is all of me, honouring and living true choices, building a foundation in my body that allows nothing less than absoluteness and fullness in every instance. How that looks and feels I have no idea. What I do know though is I have a great marker in my body of how it doesn’t feel.

It took me a while, but eventually I realised giving myself a hard time, beating myself up, only kept me in the momentum of that choice – a choice I was trying to move away from.

By letting myself feel the devastation and hurt – and it hurt a lot – I felt my heart had never ached so much. I wanted to run away but couldn’t. I let myself sit, cry and feel all that was there to feel.

I know I am not going to get it right all the time, that I may still push aside those feelings of truth, that the awareness may be too much in some instances and I may want to reach for an addiction of some kind, albeit as simple as a household chore to distract me or some Facebook time, but regardless of what may present itself, ignoring what I feel and see it is too painful to walk away from again.

By Nicole Serafin, 46, Woman, Self Employed Hairdresser, Wife, Mother, NSW Australia

Related Reading:
Is change possible? Understanding the choices we make and why!
I got to see how the choices I make for myself impact me
The importance of expressing truth

628 thoughts on “A Moment to Reflect

  1. Observing and clocking what doesn’t feel right in our body is a great step in the unfolding rediscovery of what does feel supportive and true, and the return to honouring and living our true essence.

  2. Why do we resist ourselves? Why do we deny the love that we can feel is there waiting to envelope us in its warmth like a blanket, holding and supporting us in its pure beauty and yet we deny this for ourselves. It makes no sense to me but we all do this.

    1. A great observation Mary. It makes no sense at all, as you say, but we all do this. There may be a different reason why each of us do this. Do we feel worthy of the love? Teachings from childhood about how we view ourselves, which I doubt emphasised how amazing and loveable we were, can stay embedded for years.

  3. To take a moment to reflect I am struck by how beautiful it is to return and live my own true nature. The moment is a moment of appreciation and part of a deepening that is the movement of return.

    1. The picture of “Running away we are like a goldfish in a bowl” has me chuckling as that is exactly what I used to find myself doing. It took me a while to realise that all the running away in the world was not going to take me away from the issue, as the issue just sat and waited, and often grew in intensity. I have learned that it is better to stop and face the issue with honesty, and although often challenging, any healing is offered a starting point, and the goldfish bowl can be left for the goldfish.

  4. We can often lose ourselves in fantasy and distraction and yet all the time there is the next moment waiting for us to complete with our full presence.

  5. How often have we known ‘Life is not meant to stop still’ yet mis-understood that phrase and engaged in drive or push to achieve more or ‘progress’ ourselves. I know that was certainly my approach, but since understanding that life is forever unfolding and developing and I could by choice take that natural trajectory deeper instead, i got to experience and continue to learn, there’s no need for chasing (or even looking) outwards.

  6. ‘Avoiding tomorrow meant I didn’t have to feel it tomorrow’ – this is spot on, how many times I have said that and as you say tomorrow never comes. Well it did thanks to Serge Benhayon and the teachings of Universal Medicine with the modalities to support to heal our hurts then you actually to see tomorrow and the choices are different. One of loving oneself to the max and not compromising, and sometimes you do and you feel it and then you have another opportunity to deepen.

    1. Indeed Gill. Giving ourselves time to reflect on what it is that hurts us brings such clarity and understanding to any situation that then allows us to move forward without having to carry the weight of the past on our shoulders or in our bodies.

  7. Thank you for the honest sharing of the devastation of living less than the fullness of our inner truth. I too am realising the significance and the power of claiming that fact that despite any of such occurances, dismissing the truth has never been my innate calling. This opens up the possibility of observing, understanding, learning, healing and whatever else such occurrences offer.

  8. So basically if we are not walking who we truly are and clearing the mud we’ve taken on, then we are still taking it on by the shovel load. I know which I prefer, even though it can seem challenging sometimes to face it all as I clear it.

  9. Giving ourselves permission (grace and space) to be learners in life is one of the most amazing and remarkable things to do. Judgement is set aside, understanding builds and we are open to learn and grow from everything that happens around us.

    1. I agree Matilda, and when we do react to life there is the added bonus of learning from it and discarding whatever had us react in the first place. Clocking these things is how we move on and evolve.

  10. Every moment offers an opportunity to feel and to reflect, to adjust our movements if needed and walk all we are. Taking these opportunities is always down to us – walking the walk and talking the talk.

  11. It is possible to be choosing expansion by our movements and our expression in every moment, and yes this can be exposing of all the ways we choose to switch off or dumb down such possibility from becoming our reality on a daily basis.

  12. Taking a moment to reflect can change our lives and bring a new awareness as you share so beautifully For example feeling ‘after attending a Universal Medicine event: my own regret and devastation of living life in delay, in avoidance of living all of me in every single moment and a way forward to bring a change .

  13. I find the more I take moments to reflect the less I am in reaction about what is going on and the more clearly I get to see the situation and so get to fully understand what is going on. Otherwise it is so easy to see something from a place of reaction and blame another but not see our part in it.

  14. A moment to reflect is an opportunity to come back to our body, to feel the truth of how we are living – and to make honest and loving changes. The simplicity of this is so inspiring.

  15. The odd adjustment to diet, sleep etc makes a difference and these steps need to be appreciated. However I find they are only taken within a safe zone and allow me to hang onto the things I want to keep to hold myself back.

  16. The.. shine and be seen and then shrink and hide game.. serves to stop us moving on and evolving. It’s great to reflect on the effects of this and how we accept the see saw games as a part of our lives.

  17. Taking moments to reflect as we go about our daily life, allows us to evaluate if we are on track with our evolutionary purpose, or if we have strayed from it.

  18. “There is always more to me, to life, to the bigger picture and the purpose. Life is not meant to stop still, it is forever unfolding, deepening and developing, and I was the only one that could initiate that – no one else.”
    So true and taking a moment to reflect on life is invaluable and always opens up awareness, appreciation and what is next lovingly.

  19. Today I felt how I have known every step away from God and who I truly am and this hurts. Thank you so much for writing this because I do have a choice to walk back through the mud but knowing who I am as I do so and being loving along the way, or returning to being loving when I am not.

  20. If we are ‘distracted’ then who or what is making choices for us? It’s very shocking to notice how many times a day I am moving without that presence, but with a dedication to honesty these moments are now being spotted much, much earlier whereas in the past I could run a whole day in ‘distraction’.

  21. I can relate to this “It took me a while, but eventually I realised giving myself a hard time, beating myself up, only kept me in the momentum of that choice – a choice I was trying to move away from.” becoming more tender with myself is a great thing.

  22. “There is always more to me, to life, to the bigger picture and the purpose.” There absolutley is. But we do tend to get comfortable with ‘where we are’ rather than be willing to make room for an expansion of ‘who we are’.

  23. Taking moments to reflect on our life is so important because it gets us out of the merry go round of always doing things and gives us the space to contemplate and expand our awareness.

  24. A few years ago I had two frozen shoulders that had gotten to the point where they were affecting my sleep and my movements during my waking hours of the day. On a Universal Medicine course, a moment of reflection arose that the pain was caused by me holding back my light from the world and what damage that could cause. This was a huge ouch! That night I had my first painless sleep in months! Within a few months, both my shoulders defrosted.

    1. Amazing how we can change the state of physical pain in our bodies when we become aware of the choices we have made that have led to that pain, and then a willingness to take responsibilty for it.

  25. I know this one so well ‘I’ll do it tomorrow, one more day won’t hurt, but tomorrow never came, and it did hurt.’ Tomorrow does come but if we do not change and we its more loving for us to then yep of course we will feel this on some level.

  26. ‘There is always more…’ I enjoy these words because it opens me up to there being no finish line, perfection or end goal, that for every point of inspiration and/or learning there is ‘always more’.

  27. As I was used in pushing myself through life from ideas from my mind, not from the impulses of my inner heart. And when I stopped with that, only then I could feel how much hurt I have brought to myself and that none of these hurts were caused by anything outside of me.

  28. I do know that feeling of having the regret of something that I felt I wanted to do but not did. I have found that regret does not bring me anything, it was just one of the tools I learned to use to make myself feel less and at times even unworthy too in my pursuit to delay of living me in my full power.

  29. We might choose delay but the fact of the matter is that we will eventually all have to face our choices and trudge through the muck that we have created. We never actually get away with anything,

    1. Agreed Julie, we can keep running but the choices we made remain. We can’t change them so why let them affect the present and future when we can heal them?

    1. Indeed Joseph. For me applying the Gentle Breath meditation supported me in my first steps to reconnect to this love underneath you are talking about. Otherwise, I would still be living in this cocoon you are talking about.

  30. There is always more than what we see and think, and what the physical world offers us. Life on earth has a bigger picture and purpose for us to evolve and learn throughout our whole lives. We are not necessarily less when we are young or more wise as we age, but it’s still the journey for us all.

  31. It is amazing how much we can hold ourselves in the past, good or bad, and by doing so are not present in what we are doing. I have realised that no matter what I have done in the past, everything has moved on and so to look back in any way is simply a form of distraction and something which takes me away from myself and can be very destructive whenever I find myself dwelling on/in the past.

    1. It’s interesting what you say here andrewmooney. I have felt the same with many projects, jobs, writings, conversations…so much stronger when actioned immediately….but I have to be honest in discerning, because this should never be an excuse for the determined drive that I can often go into.

  32. A beautiful sharing and understanding of the reflection life can show us when we take a moment to reflect and bring all of us to what is needed and how lovely this feels inside to be in the universal flow of life .

  33. What you are presenting here Nicole is so huge and powerful for all of us. That choice to either beat up, regret, chastise….or….to be really honest, feel it in full, appreciate the full majesty that we may have been denying and move gloriously forward with that. This is relevant in so many situations; big, serious stuff or even the tiniest of ‘slip-ups’ and it would be a world-changer if we all did more of the latter. A great sharing.

    1. Recently in a swim session I walked back across the width of the pool having previously swum it in an energy fuelled from my hips. ( the instruction had been to focus on moving the legs) I thought I was doing well because I was moving easily through the water….and yet I felt strangely elated. Walking back through this I could feel the energy that I had swum in and it felt like walking back through mud, very unpleasant. I realise how often I have let myself be led by an ideal or belief, how I can push through in life, often doing something I find very challenging – ‘that has to be done’ – and I just go for it without preparing myself, without honouring my body and where it is at. I start moving without a deep connection with myself and thus move in a way that can cause disturbance and ‘bad feeling’ even if many are not consciously aware that this unpleasant energy is there.

  34. I had a dream last night and the message was just this …not to bury my feelings and pretend everything is ok when it’s not. To let those feelings that are there come to the surface and allow the sadness – as it was in my case – to be expressed and leave the body…making space for a deeper honesty, more love and more light. .

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.