A Moment to Reflect

A moment of regret, frustration, disappointment, wondering why different choices were not and are not made, a life lived less than all that I am and that it could be…

These were some of the feelings that washed over me one morning recently after attending a Universal Medicine event: my own regret and devastation of living life in delay, in avoidance of living all of me in every single moment.

Why?

Great question, and one I asked myself many times that morning while sitting at my desk. My answer to myself: there was no reason other than my own choice to not live anything more than what I had been choosing and had chosen up until that point.

I have always had an innate feeling, a knowing of what was needed, the choices I could make and should make, but avoided at all costs. Distractions and excuses were always close at hand: computer work, household duties, children, work, eating, shopping – you name it, there was always a plethora of things at my beck and call when I needed to avoid feeling the purpose of life.

If things were going well, it flowed. I was healthy, financially well off and supported, no arguments in the relationship, the kids were happy, so why bother to change anything. Sure, a few adjustments here and there at times with my routines, rhythms, relationships and diet, but that was it, and to be honest, at the time I felt like that was enough.

I was making the odd adjustments, what more was there to do?

Even with this thought, there was always a tension in my body, a knowing that that was not enough, that even though my life looked amazing, it still was not it.

I was sitting back resting on my laurels, and when the realisation came that I was where I was at because of my own choices, that just because life was ‘good’ – it did not give me a free pass to kick back and relax.

There is always more to me, to life, to the bigger picture and the purpose. Life is not meant to stop still, it is forever unfolding, deepening and developing, and I was the only one that could initiate that – no one else. The realisation and devastation of what I had been avoiding was overwhelming, it hurt and was not something I could run away from; it was in my body, raw, uncomfortable and confronting.

I could hear the children play and sing in the backyard, unaware of my tears that flowed and the thoughts I had been allowing to come in to keep me in a state of Un-Godliness, a state that had been impacting on everyone in one way or another.

The choices I had made and was making created a tension in my body, a tension that would come out at times in frustration, resentment, comparison and judgement of and towards others – not because of anything they had done, but because of what I was not doing or living. My heart ached, as if it had been ripped out, broken in two and stomped on, a pain and devastation I had never felt before.

The biggest hurt of all was that I had allowed myself to continue to live in such a way for so long with the absolute knowing and awareness of what I was choosing and doing. I’ll do it tomorrow, one more day won’t hurt, but tomorrow never came, and it did hurt. Avoiding tomorrow meant I didn’t have to feel the hurt.

It had become a game: how far can I go, how much can I stray and yet still come back when I wanted to? But what I have come to realise is that each time I take that step away from what I know to be true and needed, I only ever take half a step back to myself as I begin the walk back through the muddy footprints I walked away in.

Walking away from the presentation yesterday, I could feel the discomfort and awkwardness in my body, how I had begun to give myself a hard time for not living the more, for not making different choices when they were presented. The regret and beating myself up began to flow thick and fast, and it had a good hold on me for most of the evening and the following morning.

Now I have a decision to make, whether to walk back through the mud, through the imprints I left behind, to walk in the glory that is all of me, honouring and living true choices, building a foundation in my body that allows nothing less than absoluteness and fullness in every instance. How that looks and feels I have no idea. What I do know though is I have a great marker in my body of how it doesn’t feel.

It took me a while, but eventually I realised giving myself a hard time, beating myself up, only kept me in the momentum of that choice – a choice I was trying to move away from.

By letting myself feel the devastation and hurt – and it hurt a lot – I felt my heart had never ached so much. I wanted to run away but couldn’t. I let myself sit, cry and feel all that was there to feel.

I know I am not going to get it right all the time, that I may still push aside those feelings of truth, that the awareness may be too much in some instances and I may want to reach for an addiction of some kind, albeit as simple as a household chore to distract me or some Facebook time, but regardless of what may present itself, ignoring what I feel and see it is too painful to walk away from again.

By Nicole Serafin, 46, Woman, Self Employed Hairdresser, Wife, Mother, NSW Australia

Related Reading:
Is change possible? Understanding the choices we make and why!
I got to see how the choices I make for myself impact me
The importance of expressing truth

673 thoughts on “A Moment to Reflect

  1. I Get the muddy foot print analogy and in some ways it could be said that it is like we have been tarred and feathered so we have to remove the layers to reveal what is always been underneath to start to walk in our Soul-full essences again.

  2. Whenever I feel like it is time to deal with something, my pen and diary comes out. Everything is a result of a few steps before and if we build our awareness of that, our moments to reflect become short & shorter and our steps forward stronger and stronger.

    1. There is so much power in the way we walk in life and each step is confirming of our developed strength we have from our essences, and living in that authority way deepens our appreciation.

  3. Recently I’ve noticed a lot of frustration and resentment, the judgment of my choices, has been simmering away in the background of my life. Having moments to reflect helps give space to understand my choices rather than condemning them constantly.

    1. Space is so crucial, when we live our lives in the intensity of having to get everything perfect & done – we don’t observe what’s going on around us & cannot get the understanding and be settled. We’ll forever push and thrive for more – which if done forcefully, will drain us.

  4. Self honesty reveals the times we struggle to stay on a path we know returns us to our inner-most and divine selves. Often we veer away from truth and choose to stay addicted to old patterns. One of the reasons why it’s unwise to ever judge another.

    1. Every time I judge another it demonstrates my lack of understanding of them and their situation. Every time I try and understand where and why another is where they’re at it makes it impossible for me to judge them. For me it’s about practicing this often enough that understanding others becomes part of my living way.

  5. This is an honest reflection of why is it we behave in the ways we do.
    “my own regret and devastation of living life in delay, in avoidance of living all of me in every single moment.”
    Why do we avoid living all of us in every single moment? I can feel this other part of me that wants to be in control of every moment it has to be because otherwise it feels itself fading and so the battle of the spirit continues. Our soul doesn’t battle it just waits for us to return as we all will once we have re mastered ourselves.

  6. A moment of reflection to appreciate all the beautiful confirming choices already made and to choose a few more.

  7. ‘It had become a game: How far can I go, how far can I stray and yet still come back when I wanted to?’ I can relate to this, often forgetting I am a multi-dimensional being as well as being human.

    1. It is like we are trying to con ourselves, but why would we want to do that? It is illogical till you consider the energy at play, then it all makes sense and we stop being victims.

  8. Why do we make the choices we make? Is it possible that there is something else at play here? That there is a consciousness that we are unaware of that is actually controlling us so that we live in the distractions of life rather than the potential of what life offers.

  9. There is something very powerful when you know a step needs to be taken even though you may not know what that step is, that allows for a new level of trust and surrender.

    1. Yes, to open up our perception and consider a different way. That is priceless because it is an opportunity to change a long-lived momentum.

      1. That ‘long-lived momentum’ is one of not being able to see, hear or feel clearly. It is lifetimes after lifetimes of living in a fog, arms and legs carrying out repetitive movements that keep us trussed up in a life of lies. We have to wrestle the fog by changing our movements. We have to claim our bodies back through movement so that we are able to stand clear of the fog and reflect to all those who are still in it that it’s possible to step out and to be with the truth of who we all are once again. Over time the fog will diminish to such an extent that it will eventually disappear completely but right now it’s covering the planet like a blanket.

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