A number of months ago I started to ‘feel,’ for the very first time, my shoulders. I didn’t feel the beauty of them or even their connection to my arms and the rest of my body. What I felt was how frozen they were.
Frozen as in a numbness that went so much deeper than numb, I can only describe it as frozen. I would reach back and press my fingers into different areas across my shoulders and not feel a thing. All that was there was a solid wall, if you will, that no feeling could penetrate. It was the oddest sensation and I kept pressing my fingers into my shoulders and upper back area at different times of the day as if checking that it was true, that I couldn’t feel a thing and I would ask myself how this could be possible.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have movement in my shoulders or that there was a total disconnection – it was, I realised, that my shoulders and upper back area were always tensed. Once I started to tune into this feeling of tenseness, I became curious about how it would feel to be without tension in these areas and I started focussing on relaxing them every time my attention was drawn to them, whether walking, sitting at my desk at work, driving or cooking. What I noticed most however, was the way I woke in the morning.
I would wake up with my head halfway off the pillow, my jaw clenched shut and my entire body braced for fight or flight. A lifetime of sleeping and waking this way eventually takes its toll – no wonder I was completely and utterly exhausted!
I made a choice to nominate on a daily basis this manner in which I woke. I started setting my alarm clock 15 minutes earlier than usual to spend those extra minutes focussing on and feeling my body, in particular across my shoulders, as I lay in bed.
I did not judge or question my body or myself: I simply spent time relaxing the areas of my body that were tense and poised for fight or flight. It wasn’t easy at first as the minute I would relax the muscles in a certain area, they would be tensed and ready to jump again before I knew it.
Although I continued to wake with my jaw clenched and my body braced, these 15 minutes every morning were introducing the opportunity to re-learn how to be in my body with less tension for longer moments of time. Moment by moment my body started responding and slowly the unfamiliarity of this new way of being in my body began to abate.
I also started to feel a new sensation across my shoulders and upper back area, a sort of tingling, like the burning/tingling sensation you get when the tips of your fingers are starting to thaw from being out in the snow for too long. At times this burning sensation in my shoulders was difficult to endure as its presence was fairly constant, however I welcomed it as a change from the frozen feeling of numbness and accepted that it was a very physical indication that some sort of transformation was beginning to take place.
I had intensely disliked my shoulders from the time I was in my early teens. I swam and did springboard diving as well as gymnastics throughout my teenage years and I took on the belief that it was the strength I was building in my shoulders that made them look and feel so broad. On a subtler level there was also the understanding that I was actually wielding them as a weapon to keep people out and my true self locked in.
Looking back now, I can see and feel how what I was doing was simply building a fortress across my shoulders as a response to, and to protect myself from, the energetic attacks directed at me from the time I was a child. I had been living with the energy of terror as a result of these attacks from a very young age … the fight or flight reaction eventually became automatic and a learned way for me to be in my body.
While I was growing up I was unaware of all the many little choices I had been making and the consequences and impact they would have on my body and wellbeing. Being able to neither fight nor flee, the energy began to accumulate in my shoulders.
All these years I thought it was my shoulders I hated. Over the last few weeks I have come to realise that it was not my shoulders I so despised but the energy stored in them.
As the freeze continued to thaw, the burning/tingling sensation across my shoulders would come and go depending on how present I was with myself and with my body. When I wasn’t present in the moment, I would find my body automatically defaulting back to its familiar holding pattern of old but with the added burning/tingling sensation; it became a great joy to actually feel this as an uncomfortable feeling in my body rather than feeling absolutely nothing at all due to my shoulder area being under the ‘big freeze.’
This tingling sensation became my sign to pause, gather myself and adjust the way I was sitting, walking, driving and moving. In doing so, I started feeling a newfound freedom in my muscles and cells that has allowed for my shoulders to drop to a much more relaxed natural position. My neck and jaw have responded accordingly and this then has filtered down to how I am moving with and in the rest of my body, allowing for a deeper stillness that I can feel building from which my movements are expressing forth.
In an afternoon, some months ago my body started to shake. This shaking started from my shoulder area and went the length of my arms, with my hands shaking uncontrollably. My upper torso was shaking too, to the point where my son had to support me to get from the car into the house. Rather than freaking out, I started observing this shaking in my body which had moved down into my legs as well. I had a very strong feeling that I needed to come back to my centre and that my body needed to be handled with tenderness and great care. After several failed attempts I somehow managed to connect to the stillness within me and as I did so, the shaking lessened and my jaw relaxed somewhat. This ebb and flow continued for several hours but at some point I was able to lie down in bed and fall asleep.
I woke the next morning completely and utterly drained, with a high temperature and a splitting headache. I stayed in bed all day, mostly sleeping. As my body restored itself, I began to understand that my body was undergoing a mega clearing of the energy stored.
The high temperature, the shaking and the clenched jaw were the coming to the surface and the release in action of the energy of terror that I had been keeping imprisoned within my shoulder area for a lifetime.
Several weeks ago, I woke for the very first time with my head resting on the pillow, my upper body muscles relaxed and a new feeling in my body – close to what the feeling of being rested must be like. Waking up in a body void of being braced for attack felt almost a defeat at first, like I was finally letting the destructive energy win.
As I lay in bed allowing myself to feel the truth of what was taking place, I began to feel a sense of awe. The realisation that this must be what waking up is all about… feeling rested and refreshed, filled with joy for waking in a body that feels amazing.
This deep inner healing has reflected for me the truth of what true healing is all about and that there is no one else who can bestow true healing or indeed a miracle upon me. The Esoteric Practitioners of Universal Medicine can lovingly and beautifully support me in my healing, however it is I who chooses my own healing and my own miracle; the loving choices I make on a moment by moment basis enable me to move in such a way as to those movements being ones of self-love and healing.
Re-learning to make my choices loving ones has come about through my attendance at Universal Medicine workshops, courses and sessions presented by Serge Benhayon and Natalie Benhayon, and by being witness to the absolute commitment and dedication to truth that these amazing beings and their family live with and move in.
By Brigette Evans, a woman re-claiming and returning to her true self, Worcestershire, UK