As I sit here writing I can feel a warmth in my chest and a gorgeous feeling of yumminess throughout my body. I feel confident, strong, light and playful, I can feel sparks of joy, and most of all I feel appreciative of all that I have done for myself over the last few weeks.
Only a few short weeks ago I was in a very dark place of depression and confusion. Life had thrown a few big challenges my way over the course of a few months in the form of what felt like attacks from forces that appeared to be bigger than me. My reaction was to be scared, withdraw, and contract into a hidey hole thinking that is where I would be safe.
What I found was that by withdrawing from life I also withdrew from myself. I felt small, helpless, exhausted, and grief stricken that the gorgeous joyful me that I had come to know was not anywhere in sight. My thoughts changed to be ones of negativity, fear and paranoia – a totally horrible place to be, but one that I was choosing based on the way that I was reacting to what had happened.
What has been exposed is a lifelong pattern of withdrawal and contraction when anything scary or threatening happens. This pattern had been accentuated and was magnified due to the multiple incidents over a period of a few months, ensuring that recovery was harder due to the recurring events. Ultimately this has been a gift as it has shown me the pattern in a very big and exaggerated way, and I have been able to work with it and discover and understand how I can heal it and do things differently.
It has meant getting very real about how I am living, how I take care of myself, and how much love I allow into my life. When I was at rock bottom I couldn’t feel any love, and I was reinforcing this by attacking myself with the wrong foods, negative thoughts, allowing myself to remain in blame and effectively choosing to be a victim. Turning this around has been a valuable process which has effectively made me consciously choose to love myself, one choice at a time. It has been like learning to walk again.
How can I expect to weather the effects of an outside attack if I am attacking myself? This was a huge revelation and one that has been very powerful in my return to loving myself. It has resulted in my repeating the words “I will not attack myself” silently in my head when I get a craving for food that I don’t need, or the temptation to go into stress in response to a request or think about blaming myself when things go wrong. Claiming myself back through every little choice has been a gorgeous rebuilding.
I am still aware of my reaction when a strong force comes at me. I am noticing how my body reacts. But instead of staying in the contraction and going into anxiety about the perceived attack I am choosing to focus on the movement of my body and how gorgeous and yummy this can feel if I remain in my true quality. I then actually feel playful rather than threatened. How amazing!
As a student of The Way of The Livingness I have been studying how to love myself and live true to my body and my feelings for many years.
My responsibility to live and speak in a true way can begin to feel like a burden if I am not living in true connection with myself. But if I am connected with my body and my essence it is absolutely natural to want to be true to myself, for anything else feels totally awful.
What I have discovered and come to understand more deeply is that the tools that Universal Medicine offers are tools for life.
The way that I recovered from my dark place was by using the tools that I have learned through Universal Medicine. These tools work. If I want to be able to deal with life I need to take care of myself and allow myself love by eating nourishing food, getting enough rest, taking regular gentle exercise, saying no to the invading thoughts, choosing to breathe my own breath and bringing my true quality into every movement, which provides a solid platform from which to live and work.
This is not rocket science.
There is no secret.
It is pure common sense.
Feeling my body now after a few weeks of dedicated committed self-care I know that I do not want to choose to live any other way. Feeling what is true through my body allows me the authority to speak what is true for me, and If I speak truth it will be because I can feel how yummy it feels in my body to express it and how awful it feels if I don’t. It’s not about being loyal or dedicated to anything, but what I can feel inside of me.
Keeping it real is so important. Yes we are connected to something grander than this physical world, but while we are here we need to learn how to live here and withstand the onslaught of life through simple means for our own wellbeing. Learning to live with the love that we can give to ourselves we can enjoy the process and enjoy how amazing we can feel in our bodies when we choose the supportive tools for life as presented by Universal Medicine.