I recently travelled to Australia to be in a new relationship and after 5 months, my partner and I bought a house in an area we liked and started to get to know the local community and what shops to get whatever we needed. We registered for the local doctor’s surgery and notified all the official places of our new address.
Within a month of our being in the new house, my partner, who had been living with emphysema for seventeen years, had one lung collapse (pneumothorax) and was admitted to hospital.
Back in the UK, when someone was ill, we would set up a rota of supporters to bring meals and to visit in hospital, but my partner said he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to have to deal with anyone’s sympathy, so I took on the responsibility for visiting and taking in nourishing meals and anything else he needed. I exhausted myself in the process because not only was I fetching and carrying things to the hospital, I was spending long hours there keeping him company, and my anxiousness for his well-being plus the constant activity of nurses, doctors and support staff was pretty draining. Looking back, I should have ignored his instructions and asked for support on my own account, if not for him.
After ten days he came home and was recovering well over the next few weeks, but then he had an infection flare up, which escalated into a high temperature and an ambulance was called to take him back to hospital. He had sepsis and the infection was diagnosed by the doctors as pneumonia. This time I asked for more support and some friends took in meals to supplement his diet. I learned to carry less to and fro but still felt exhausted because I didn’t realise just how stressed I was or how much I was absorbing the energy of the dramas that were unfolding around me.
My partner recovered well from the pneumonia and returned home, but a few weeks later he had another pneumothorax, so it was back to hospital. This time, being more aware of what was exhausting me, I spent less time at the hospital, had friends visit and take meals in, and was more careful not to take on the emotions and issues of everybody I saw at the hospital – and especially not to take on sympathy for my partner. By that I mean accepting that his current circumstances were the result of his own past choices in this lifetime and likely also lifetimes before. I was also concerned about leaving his dog on her own at home so much while I was at the hospital, so there was another level of underlying anxiety.
Once he was home, I was still anxious, worrying about his choices and being concerned that he wasn’t able to look after himself properly. Somehow I didn’t trust him and tried to control the situation, especially as he had been in hospital three times in three months and each time it had been the result of his over-doing things, trying to please or trying to prove he could do something.
He expressed to me that he was fed up with being treated like an invalid and I realised that my caring was in fact over-done and I was imposing.
I couldn’t not care, so how could I care without over-caring?
Supporting someone does not mean controlling: I needed to let go of control – everyone is responsible for their own choices and can learn from their consequences. By telling him what I felt he should do, I was not allowing him freedom to choose and, what is more, he wasn’t learning the lessons for himself. I realised that it was far more loving to let him take care of his own body, to make his own decisions and to support him in whatever way felt appropriate, but always to let him lead.
There may be choices he makes that I disagree with, but it is always his call. I can express what I feel, but I need to have absolutely no attachment to whether he listens or not. I also need to have no attachment to keeping him alive.
My partner had previously chosen to smoke and drink for many years but stopped getting drunk 27 years ago and drank smaller and smaller quantities until giving it up altogether because the smallest amount made him feel drunk. He also stopped smoking 8 years ago, so he had already made some great decisions for his health.
He took responsibility forty years ago for building a 46-foot yacht and sailing round the world in it with his family including two small children. He sailed into unknown waters and had to take responsibility for everyone’s health, often with no doctor available. During his travels he researched food and natural ways to support his own and his family’s health and they all survived very well. Now permanently back on land, he has access to both Western medicine and Naturopathic supplements and uses both to keep himself as healthy as he can, as well as continuing his research via the Internet.
Recently diagnosed with lung cancer and too sick for doctors to consider radiation treatment or chemotherapy, he is focusing on his daily self-care and his diet to keep the cancer at bay.
So, here am I with an uncertain future, not knowing what the prognosis is, supporting a man who is doing whatever he thinks is best to support himself. I don’t agree with all his food choices, but I can feel how important it is for him to feel in control of his own health and not be imposed upon by other people’s views.
Knowing that a healthy mind also supports our physical health, I am turning my efforts towards making sure I am always loving towards him, rather than reverting to the overbearing, constant caring and critical checking up on him. I am there beside him come what may and being lovingly supportive as much as I can, and I am working on letting go of the need to be right all the time!
In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself. That means getting a good night’s sleep, getting support from friends if I need it, eating nourishing foods and making sure I honour what I feel and express whatever is there to be expressed. I am learning to be less reactive and to always respond with love, which means being truthful, not pandering, not trying to please. I’m not perfect at it by any means – it is a huge learning for me, especially the letting go of control and attachment to outcomes. I’m also learning to be less critical of myself and to appreciate the lessons that are being presented to me every day.
Not for no reason have we constellated to being together. We are constantly reflecting and learning from each other, and the deepening of our love is what we are working on. However long we have together in the future, it is a relationship I shall always treasure because it is constantly helping me to evolve.
Published with my partner’s permission.
By Carmel Reid, Personal Development Coach and Counsellor from the UK, currently on a long term visit to Australia
Related Reading:
Developing communication in your relationships
How do you have communication without reaction?
Sounds of Soul – ‘Hold Myself’ song review
Words on Serge Benhayon 
I have a friend who has been ill since Christmas and has spent long periods in hospital which has put a great deal of strain on their only family member as the hospital is a good hour away, the family member has many part time jobs that need their attention so they are running around trying to fit more into their day. So the neighbour’s have rallied round and left meals for the family member so they don’t have to cook so much in the evenings when they get home after work and hospital visits. When the friend came home they said please don’t bother making suppers as … is fine we don’t need any support. This shows me that this person has never been truly been taken care of and so finds it difficult to accept that there are people around that genuinely want to support them. Is it possible that we are not used to living as a community that wants to support when necessary, as our society endorses the view that we are individuals and not part of the greater whole?
“… accepting that his current circumstances were the result of his own past choices in this lifetime and likely also lifetimes before.” This is a powerful key point, we tend to see exactly what’s happening now and can assume it would be easy to change, but the person might be in lifetimes of existing this way, so they may need a lot of time and space to get a handle on resurrecting themselves. There is a big picture to consider, and not just what we see before us.
A beautiful sharing of true care.
Appreciation is so much of our relationship within, or with our essences, and that which we can appreciate is a platform or foundation that we can deepen our appreciative-ness, which brings even more magic to our lives and thus being appreciative becomes a confirmation and authority we live with as you have shared Carmel.
It’s always such a touching read Carmel, because you have so very openly let us all into your life and shared your vulnerabilities and the wisdom gained from your everyday experiences. “I can express what I feel, but I need to have absolutely no attachment to whether he listens or not.” I feel this is so important because often we feel not being imposing is saying nothing, but to speak our truth without attachment (to the best of our ability) is honouring to both people.
Imposing or not imposing is a fine line and discerning can be tricky but if we truly listen to our bodies we can feel it.
Being in the care industry and reading this I curiously looked up the origin of the word ‘care’ and it’s related to ‘lament, sorrow and worry’ – The modern usage of the word wouldn’t relate to this at first but it definitely still occurs in care today. Being detached from wanting the person to be a certain way helps us support others and ourselves better, it allows more room for growth freely rather than restricting and controlling it to meet our own needs.
Yes, Leigh, ‘support’ feels like a better word
That’s a curious and I feel incorrect definition of care. I feel care is more a quality I express within myself first, and the dictionary definition feels in part more like sympathy. I’m learning that care, as a quality, is automatically there, as it’s within me, and if I attach to others, project how I want others and their life to be, get involved, take on another’s stuff, I can still call that care in my mind in the same way the dictionary does, but the quality of care is gone, as my body is not feeling that quality of how true care feels.
Every offering in life is an invitation to deepen and nowhere more so than when in the caring role. Looked at in this way, caring for another is never dull or boring but offers constant opportunities to deepen our relationship with self.
It feels to me that what you are saying Kehinde2012 is that there is much more to life than what we see and feel on the surface level. That if we deepen our relationship with ourselves it reconnects us to the universe which is a constant interaction of intelligence far beyond what we think we can think.
Love and true care are one and the same.
I’ve observed how beautiful it feels to be served by someone who works with love and the difference between this and someone who is just doing a job of fulfilling a duty. I have a choice when buying and tend to buy from the former, not latter.
It doesn’t just make a difference in the moment but can make a difference to one’s life to be exposed to love, even for moments, if we have lived a life that has been devoid of it. The trust this can engender cannot be under estimated.
New models of care now being offered are not dependent on social and health care services, but drawn from communities of friends and family. When we set up our own care plans and care teams, it reduces pressure and strain on family members and close friends ‘going it alone’. As client/patient or carer, accepting we need support and asking for it, is a required first step.
Agreed, as His illness worsened we had a team of 24 hour care from friends who were able to be there for a few hours each time, it felt very supportive for both of us and enabled him to stay at home until the last 3 days of his life before going into Palliative Care.
What you are sharing with us all Carmel is to me what is missing from our current way of living. I work as a volunteer at my local hospital and I have noticed how many elderly people are left to die on their own with no one around them. I wonder how this affects them in their next life when they reincarnate?
There is a clear line between doing for someone and being there fully for them. In the latter you never lose or leave yourself but bring all of you lovingly in a way that supports, consults and reads what is needed. The call is to be self-assured, yet sensitive.
It is very easy to identify with the role of carer and to completely lose the sense of self. Our care is more true if we care for ourselves first
The beautiful thing about caring for another is that is as much a learning for carer as person being cared for. When a caring responsibility is offered, how we respond is the true reflection of how we are with ourselves.
Caring for another is less about what we do for another, more about the quality we hold within ourselves.
Without true love as it’s impulsing energy then caring is as vacuous as not caring. And yet if a task such as taking the bins out is impulsed by love then it becomes a deeply caring thing to do and many more people will be touched by the action of taking the bins out than just the owners of the bins.
When impulsed by Love, caring is never mundane or dull, every activity is carried out in the same quality.
And when caring is not impulsed by love then it is an activity devoid of love and this we all know even though we don’t let on that we do.
An interesting point Alexis, we forget the importance of Alchemy and the ripples of love (or not love) that spread out from us as we move through life.
What a powerful comment, thank you Alexis, “ Without true love as it’s impulsing energy then caring is as vacuous as not caring.“ It is a stop moment to consider that what looks like we are giving care on the surface is not caring at all. The example of the bins moved with love versus the traditional pictures of helping others, but with no loving quality, is a great one.
Absolutely Melinda and we can feel the difference between the two even if we don’t openly acknowledge it.
‘I realised that it was far more loving to let him take care of his own body, to make his own decisions and to support him in whatever way felt appropriate, but always to let him lead.’ I was talking with a friend last night about what giving space to someone really means and this is surely it. With my own children I feel it is important they make their own choices and not interfere with them too much as they need to learn the empowerment that comes from sometimes making the less loving ones. This can be hard sometimes, to watch them make choices that don’t serve them, but at those times I question myself and try to work out what my own investments are as there is surely an attachment there or a need to see things play out in a certain way.
Lessons learned from our own mistakes, listening to our own body are so much more deeply embodied than anything that comes from outside of us.
Absolutely and my hardest lessons but the most liberating ones have had to come this way.
This is a brilliant exposure of how we feel that caring for others should come before caring for ourselves. It trips us up every time.
Great to hear you ended up taking care of yourself in order to be there and care for your partner and it just goes to show when we drop the care for ourselves it does not feel good or is supportive in any way. This is something I feel as a society/humanity we tend to do, in stressful situations we forget about us and drop the level of love and self care for ourselves when really what we need to do is up it! ❤️
“Not for no reason have we constellated to being together. We are constantly reflecting and learning from each other, and the deepening of our love is what we are working on. However long we have together in the future, it is a relationship I shall always treasure because it is constantly helping me to evolve.” True relationships ask us to grow and evolve. What a blessing.
Carmel this is a gorgeous way of asking when true care is abandoned for smothering which essentially comes from us not being comfortable with what we are feeling. This is something for us all to watch out for at all times, as partners, as parents, even as friends – and is an opportunity for us to learn about true support and grow in the process by being willing to look at how we are really feeling.
“feel how important it is for him to feel in control of his own health and not be imposed upon by other people’s views.” This is so vital in my role as a support worker or in any relationship really. When unimposed there’s more space for trial and error with our body giving us feedback. It’s the body’s feedback that has us change our lives in truth rather than changing our choices because someone else said x,y,z.
This is amazing. When it comes to being loving, we tend to come up with a list of things to do and how we should do them, but really, it is about being what we already are, and sure we are not being that all the time, but that is ok too. Sometimes, to not get caught in being right, we have to let our movement take its own course and it may end up being ‘wrong’ or a ‘mistake’, but when we just stop and be, we are back to being simply love.
“I realised that it was far more loving to let him take care of his own body, to make his own decisions and to support him in whatever way felt appropriate, but always to let him lead.” This is so important for anyone in the situation of looking after others and being the one who is sick because so often we think the person who is sick incapable of making decisions for themselves.
Love your sharing Carmel, you show what it is to truly care for someone, by making sure you care for yourself first. When we do we have a clear understanding of what is needed for the other person.
Beautifully said Alison and the simplicity of this rings so true there is no need to do anything other than to simply put this into action – deep care for self first before there is true care for another.
When I’m in fear or reaction about someone’s choices that’s when I begin to start making unhelpful choices for myself and the person. It’s such a huge event having someone who is unwell in some way in our lives and seeing their own contribution to their health condition. I know for me attachment to wanting the situation to be different or needing the person really impacts on my ability to be truly loving or not.
Melinda I can so relate to being attached to a situation which comes back to wanting to control an outcome, which does impact our ability to be truly loving or not.
To respond with love is to respond with truth, to express what we feel, in full, leaving no remnants unexpressed in the body until ‘next time’ when we think/hope it might feel or be easier (and usually it isn’t, so what is left unexpressed gets buried).
A person’s selfish choice can bring a lot of drain on us. It is not our responsibility to be the servant of another but lovingly stand by them and support them to the best of our ability. It may seem harsh because of our socially accepted norms, but when taking a bigger picture approach we can realise the importance of taking care of ourselves first before taking care of another.
How often do we think caring for someone or loving them is adjusting ourselves to their wishes and needs? It is a gross misinterpretation of love to think it is ok to not care for ourselves in order to care for others. I am seeing more and more in any situation how I still adjust myself to another at the expense of my own quality. This does not mean we cannot be there for another or that we cannot care for another, it means that in each moment it is for us to discern what is truly love.
What I love reading most in your sharing Carmel is how you learnt and deepened each time you were placed in the situation of caring for your partner. Indeed this is all life is about. Continuously evolving and learning to bring more of our love to expression in life.
I love that you decided to be loving with yourself and him, it’s such a gorgeous focus rather than trying to fix things.
Relationships bring us a richness of many different lessons if we are willing to learn them.
It is amazing to read how back in your local community in the UK people would set up a rota to support someone when they were in hospital. This is the kind of news worth reading about.
A great learning Carmel and what is important is the open communication and expressing what was felt so that we can reflect to another what didn’t feel true. We can learn from these ingrained patterns we have chosen to align to and cut them one by one and free ourselves of the controlling ways that are not from our innate true essence.
I am still learning more and more: to let go of control, to let go of judgement, and to refine what I eat so that I can read what is going on and not take too much personally. It is a constant balancing act of working out how much to do, how much he can do for himself and what I can do that is truly supportive. I have to be careful not to overdo it myself in my keenness to support, otherwise I will be like all the other carers who burnout and can no longer offer true care.
Letting go of control is a big one and when we take on a caring responsibility, this trait is guaranteed to be exposed. But also beautiful, for when it rears it’s ugly head and we see it, we know it’s there for a purpose: to let it go and respond to the person being cared for without expectation or judgement.
The desire to control is more about us than another and reflects insecurities as yet unresolved. When we lovingly accept who we are, there is no need to control another, we simply offer them love and stay true to ourselves.
When we make it about us (e.g., our concerns) first and foremost, we enter into the realm of control.
So very true Eduardo it’s a perfect barometer for our intention.
“I realised that it was far more loving to let him take care of his own body, to make his own decisions and to support him in whatever way felt appropriate, but always to let him lead.” This is beautiful advice for anyone who is supporting or caring for someone. Because when we say what they have to do it can feel controlling but also they won’t learn the consequences of their choices.
So often I have observed that the way we tend to care for others can be out of a sense of duty or obligation rather than simply from love. When it comes from anything other than love, a resentment can build and no one feels cared for, neither the carer nor the one who is in need of the support. Quite often too, whilst I am not suggesting for one moment this was in Carmel and her partner’s case, the person who has the condition can manipulate the carer without considering their needs at all because they are the one with the condition and feel entitled. The loveless model of life we have all subscribed to is going to take some undoing…
“He expressed to me that he was fed up with being treated like an invalid and I realised that my caring was, in fact, over-done and I was imposing.” This is such a brilliant awareness to have and one that most carers and health professionals would benefit from knowing along with their patients/clients.
It’s easy to ‘over-care’ for others if we are getting our need to be needed met by caring for another.
Really appreciate the insight you share here with the learnings and realisations you had and how you opened up to them and keep learning as you go.
One big reflection I have learned from recently is that, if we don’t express IN FULL what we feel about absolutely everything, then misunderstandings can arise that lead to frustration that leads to resentment that leads to bitterness and finally rage when what has been ‘politely’ suppressed finally comes out in a huge reaction that severely damages the relationship. Many of us ‘tolerate’ mild abuse from our partners and ‘politely’ say nothing, just put up with it, making excuses and creating justifications, but in truth there is no excuse for abuse. Abuse escalates if unchecked and then the rot sets in and nothing more can be done. Being love means honouring our partners in every way. Speaking always with tender tones, with no judgement or criticism. Honest feedback yes, but only about what we are feeling, never about what THEY are doing wrong. We need to appreciate each other every day. That’s how love grows, not by trying to change each other.
Love these learnings Carmel and I can relate to all of it. Love offers space and time and does not judge, it beholds another as they truly are, seeing beyond the behaviours on both sides, and needs nothing back in return. This can only happen when we are full of love for ourselves, otherwise we will always be seeking and trying to fill it up from somewhere outside of ourselves, which never truly feels enough and means we are at the mercy of someone else and how they’re feeling.
I am learning this too Carmel, how easy it is to slip into making excuses for another or thinking we should allow for certain things in relationships. I recently got to see how I am still concerned with what the other might think of me when I speak my truth, such as a nag for example. I am making excuses left and right for allowing anything less then love and this is not only harming to myself but to all others to. Trying to control what the other thinks is a game of hide and seek instead of standing strong within myself and honoring exactly what I feel and express this.
So many of us are identified by how well we can care but we need to understand that what we think is care may not be if we are not caring for ourselves.
The foundation of how we are with ourself does make a big difference to how we then are with everyone else.
As always, each and every one of us must learn this lesson… That true caring starts with self-love.
… and self love starts with acknowledging what we feel about anything and everything, and basing all our choices on how we feel, not what anyone else says
I love the pragmatic understanding that perhaps you could have asked for support for yourself. We can find it difficult at times to ask and let in all the support that is really there for us in life, when we have been so independent.
I think that’s a great point too – to know it’s ok to ask for support for yourself, when needed, and not just for others.
Accepting and appreciating ourselves is vital for love can grow from this, a love that can truly support and nurture not just ourselves but others too.
Carmel this is a great blog exemplifying the importance of carers caring for themselves and being open to receive support from others too.
Over-caring is something that we do not like to admit that we do yet so many of us do it, looking for recognition and acceptance which has nothing to do with love.
This blog is an absolute gem Carmel. I love how you are exposing all that does not serve in true care and being honest enough to admit it and to make different choices to support from love rather than anxiousness or critique in thinking we know what will be ‘best’ for another.
“Knowing that a healthy mind also supports our physical health, I am turning my efforts towards making sure I am always loving towards him, rather than reverting to the overbearing, constant caring and critical checking up on him”.
It is great what you have shared Carmel, learning to care without imposing, while learning to take loving care for oneself. I am thankful that I have a husband now that doesn’t need a mother, this situation has been a real healing for me, from losing myself in over caring most of my life to now learning to be responsible for me, learning now to care with no identity or attachments to outcomes, just an honouring of where the person is at on their return journey home.
I love how life doesn’t always turn out how we expect, but in what occurs the richness and the depth of what’s available for us to learn is incredible.
Thank you for sharing this learning of nurturing and care for and of you both.
Sometimes we worry so much about a person that we can become overbearing and controlling. Is it for ourselves to make us feel better or is it for the other person, or is it we think the other person has not felt the significance of the situation they are now in and are purposely trying to ignore it. Whatever the reason we are all responsible for our own stuff and healing.
I was really struck by the repetitiveness of the hospital experience giving you both another opportunity to deepen your relationship with how you supported yourself and each other. This takes a more responsible body to hospital and therefore supports the healing process – how wonderful is that?!
Carmel, this is a very honest account of what life is like when a loved one is unwell and needing care. We are so used to exhausting ourselves in life generally, so the majority of people just throw an unwell family member into the daily stress that is already there and exist on caffeine and sugar to get through. What you’ve shared is a model of how we can look after ourselves so we can support others.
What a great opportunity to learn and grow within yourself Carmel despite the difficult situation. It shows that even though life can be at times ugly and not what we would like, there is always the opportunity to claim ourselves and grow with it.
Taking care of ourself is a really important factor in taking care of others too and it’s something we can keep learning from our body, listening to it’s cues and communications…
Carmel, you are very honest and very willing to look at every choice you make.I particularly loved this one;
‘I am there beside him come what may and being lovingly supportive as much as I can, and I am working on letting go of the need to be right all the time!’ That is huge, ‘letting go of the need to be right’ as we know there is no right or wrong only truth to be with bringing equality.
What an extraordinary life lesson, and how amazingly you are writing about it and living it.
This is such a beautiful example of how we grow through experience. We try one way, feel what the result is in the body and if its sustainable, then keep refining until we are able to fully support ourselves and stay true to ourselves. Nothing in life is about perfection, it’s all about how we respond and grow.
Yes, it is a very personal relationship because what is right for one is not necessarily right for all as we are all at different stages of healing. What is Universal is the body’s relationship with Love and the way it expands when it feels nurtured by us.
We ocassionally stumble across the truth of love but then let ourselves drift back to the dreams of what we might like it to be like. But no matter what elaborate ideas we come up with nothing will ever change Love from being simple – us living connected to God.
It’s interesting we can see taking charge as caring but supporting someone in their own choices is very caring and this comes from being responsible for our own choices and level of self care.
Judging what other people do is like pouring acid in top of open wounds. It doesn’t mean we have to bottle up what we observe – but the key first step is to hold them in Love.
“In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.” Indeed Carmel. For there is no true care in caring for another if there is any form of disregard or lack of true love and care for oneself first.
“In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself…” This certainly takes away the ‘trying’ or ‘doing’ that is typically associated with caring for another
What you express in this blog is very beautiful Carmel and is for all of us….an approach to apply in life in any circumstance.
Agreed Jenny how often do we feel that we fix ourselves to get on with what we want to do rather than bringing in a level of love and support to the depth of care for ourselves and with every role. aspect or job that we do.
Thank You Carmel Reid for openly and honestly sharing what is going on in your life.
Rare is it we see this quality on the Internet of such a transparency that it gets us to stop and feel everything that is being expressed.
I myself 10 years ago had a tumour and life was awefull. With the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I got a great understanding and I no longer see any illness as a bad thing.
I know it is my body telling me time to release whatever the behaviour and pattern was that created that ill.
Back to this super blog – it is heartfelt and everything you have said Carmel has deeply touched me.
To truly love someone we have to be free of attachments so to recognise where these are in all parts of our lives and in all relationships we have to love ourselves enough to let them go.
The same goes for ourselves I feel, when we turn our life upside down, when we make all sorts of choices that suck, we still deserve to be held, honoured and respected as precious beings we truly are. There’s no need for bashing or fixing, just observe, support and cherish.
It’s great that you clocked trying to control and fix the situation Carmel, and in that, you have learnt so much. In fact, it would have given you both the opportunity to grow and evolve, especially as there are so many ideals and beliefs about caring for another.
What you are sharing is huge, it is one thing to live and know you are going to die in the near future but it is another thing to be the one who is going to be with that person and will live longer. It is easy to go into control and over-caring as you described, to not feel what is going on, and then actually miss out on enjoying being with the other person. You are very inspiring in finding out how to really live in this period of life.
“I can express what I feel, but I need to have absolutely no attachment to whether he listens or not. I also need to have no attachment to keeping him alive.” Isn’t it interesting how we feel keeping someone alive, keeping them happy and so much more is all down to us.
Your honesty and willingness to learn is very refreshing Carmel and you show how bringing it back to simplicity is the key in the midst of all that is happening.
This is a very reflective sharing and great learning to be seen and appreciated for all it offers in the much needed understanding of true caring and the amazing effects it has on all concerned. Looking after and honouring oneself first is a big learning in the caring world of each other and all relationships and something to bring more of into the world and the opportunities this allows for all concerned.
As you ask in your blog Carmel, “how do we care without overcaring?” This is something to definitely think about as it can be so easy to want to go into controlling and overcaring when we are supporting someone close who is unwell, but thinking on this made me realise we are often in positions of caring throughout the day on many levels where perhaps we take on too much or want to control another’s choices, it doesn’t necessarily have to be someone close with a significant illness.
A beautiful example of how everyone can remain truly empowered when someone needs taking care of.
What an amazing healing for you Carmel!! When someone is ill the illness is for everyone to learn from as nothing just happens for one. And you sharing your experience and your learning reaches even more people.
This blog offers a healing for anyone who reads it.
Thank you Carmel, this is a really supportive blog to return to, as I know from firsthand experience how challenging it is to care for someone and to find the balance between caring for ourselves and another, and allowing the person space without imposition as they find their own way through life and their health challenges.
When we put others first without considering our well-being as well is self-abuse.
It is so good that you managed to see the trap you were falling into and do something about it before you were as sick as each other and both needed care. I have seen this before where the carer ages overnight because they thought it was up to them to do it on their own and not seek support, or even support themselves with all the things that support us, like good food and quality sleep.
Kev that would be common in caring professions too with medical professionals, nursing home staff, etc.
What you have shared here Carmel, is Gold – so many times our caring of another can be imposing as we see things a certain way and think that this is how it must be done. This comes from our own expectations or pictures of how we want to see things. And in this we try to fit the picture, impose and smother instead of offering open and un-imposing true care. But through these situations we really get to learn, we get to feel what we think ‘should work’ does not always work even though it so called ‘fits the picture’. Because when it comes to life and living, there are few things that actually fit the picture, and the biggest challenge is often to let go of this and simply allow things to unfold. This can only happen when we stop trying to control the outcome, which can be a very scary thing to do if we have always been in the habit of controlling things.
We think control = goodness and safety but the true equation is it = a desperate prison of absolute misery and coldness that’s poisonous to live in.
‘I can feel how important it is for him to feel in control of his own health and not be imposed upon by other people’s views.’ – this is very important that in sickness we are given the grace and dignity to choose what feels right for us and our health.
I agree – to learn self responsibility and self care is a huge step in our journey to heal because it is not just about physically getting better although that is very important, it is about growing as a person and being able to walk away from any situation wiser, so we don’t perpetuate the same patterns that got us to that point again.
It is interesting to consider what we see as caring and that often this is at the expense of ourselves. When our relatives are in the hospital, there is this expectation that we will visit them and keep them company every second of every day during the visiting hours but sometimes wouldn’t it be best to just let them rest. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, are the visits for the patient or for ourselves.
Often when we ‘over care’ we are actually imposing on the person – instead of giving them the space they need we freak out with our own worries and in turn place these on them – even if not obvious it is always felt on some level.
Far better to do what you write about here Carmel and be super loving with ourselves so we in turn can be loving to another – if we are tired, worried, stressed and emotional we are bringing all that to someone who is already vulnerable and dealing with their own issues.
Very true, ‘over-care’ is a great term to describe how we unavoidably impose on another if we are not considering are own self-care when we are in the caring role.
Good point. When someone is sick they are far more attuned to their own body and can therefore pick up imposing helpers more than normal so it would be such a gift to offer space for them to to supported but not imposed upon.
True care can be found in the depth we allow. How willing we are to connect determines the quality of love we will come to share.
Everything in life is a golden opportunity for us to grow and learn, even what at first can feel daunting or devastating, can offer us an enrichment beyond what we could ever imagine.
Beautifully said Meg for there is no experience we cannot learn from.
Sometimes caring for someone might not be seen by the other party as what it really is.
You show how when we self care, that caring for others isn’t a ‘doing’ activity, because everything we do, comes with a natural quality of love.
Spot on, caring is not an action or a result, but a quality that you can’t help but feel.
Our desire to fix things is just as misplaced with ourselves, as with everyone else. True care is letting our body be where it’s at without needing to change any of it.
A beautiful sharing and knowing of all that our relationships offer us and the truth it takes we so often choose not to see but is life changing and deeply expansive and empowering.
All too often someone in a caring role puts the person being cared for before themselves. But in doing so jeopordises their own health and well being. What you are showing us here Carmel is very inspiring, and that there can be another way to be when caring for another that is truly loving and supports both people to take their own responsibility for themselves as much as possible.
That is such a beautiful sharing of how to support one another and make a relationship about deepening love. This is so key – to love without the niceness but with the honesty and responsibility, it offers. An ever-deepening potential between 2 people.
It’s interesting how much we can take on on behalf of someone else. If they have developed an illness we can be there to support them, but ultimately it is they who need to take responsibility. If we need support in order to support them then so be it. We can ask for all the support we need.
Control – nothing really good comes from it. And I say that from first-hand experience, and I keep trying ‘control on for size’ and get the same result. #slowlearner #lettingoofcontrol #lifeisbetterwithoutit
Respecting another’s choices is equal in importance to respecting how we feel about a situation and how we would handle things. And hence the loving thing is to ensure that we do not impose on another our choices, whilst at the same time we hold steady in what we know is true for us.
In life we get offered multiple opportunities to be honest with ourselves, and the deeper we are willing to take this honesty the more our life can open up to the truth that is on offer. This means sticking with how we feel and trusting this, over and above the societal should do’s and should not do’s. This is not about being disrespectful to another or others, but it is about deeply honouring how we feel, and in so doing, we also honour another.
Imposing our opinion onto others simply does not support anyone, least of all ourselves.
A very beautiful sharing of the purpose in our lives to learn and share love and caring from a place of no sympathy or need. Refreshing, revealing, supportive and honest Carmel you are an amazing reflection and joy to know.
Beautifully said Tricia – true love is firm and is full of honesty and deep care and respect. No different to firm love when you lay boundaries for a child for this is the love that allows them to learn and then guides them later in life. No sympathy, only deep care and love for self and another – Carmel offers a gorgeous reflection of this.
In all of our relationships it is important to express how we truly feel about something, and yet at the same time not have any expectations that the other person will take on board what you share, it is always our own individual choice to make our own choices.
Constantly looking for others to provide the support we need simply doesn’t work – it’s down to us and the love we show ourselves. There’s no avoiding this Carmel.
It is easy to fall into the caring role without first checking if we are caring for ourselves first. I have done this many times and it is not supportive to anyone if I am feeling exhausted, tired and unwell myself and then I push that aside and start caring for others without much care towards myself. So, what you’ve shared Carmel is great, you are showing us how to care and love others by first caring and loving ourselves first and this makes more sense.
So many people tell me that the worst thing about being ill is having to deal with other people’s sympathy. Sympathy is like a dirty blanket that gets thrown over people when we do not want to face our own discomfort.
That is interesting Elizabeth, and I have also seen people who are unwell and they seek sympathy from others which I have experienced doesn’t feel great either. Sympathy in any form is awful, it is draining, heavy and not healing for anyone.
In our desire to avoid reflecting on the difficulty of another, and how our own life might be affected by that, or even be like that, we can choose sympathy, which is just an emotional blanket of “poor you”. As you can hear I personally cannot abide sympathy and would prefer understanding and true support any day.
When we let go of our investment in outcomes we start to offer true love and care.
Time spent in the care of another gives us the opportunity to explore true purpose, and as a couple when we live in the appreciation of our divine reflection, which is being constantly shared then by simply being a loving couple this shall always bring a deep blessing for everyone who is connected to. When you accept that a relationship has greater meaning than just for the two of you, then we are in purpose and the love that is purpose-full brings us definitely a blessing for all involved. True purpose has no individuality, drive or need for recognition, so the door is opened for a new paradigm, which is evolutionary.
A very beautiful sharing that shows the true quality in caring when we can be free of our own agendas.
It is super honest when we are able to identify our own agendas, let them go and choose a more loving way that is free of any investments or need related to care for others. And to simply be caring and loving without needing any results or recognition is what I call true support.
“In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.” what a wonderful expression of truth in relationships if we understood this in all areas of our lives we would certainly be living a much more full life as a whole society.
We often base our understanding of another’s needs on our own experiences, i.e. what WE would need in that situation, but that may not be what they actually need, because they have made different choices, are making different choices and have lived a completely different life. We need to observe and feel with no pictures from our minds.
To be able to truly care for another there must be love as there is no true care without love, only functional care, which is necessary but the person does not receive the full package, therefore not the full healing.
Thank you Carmel for sharing so intimately the challenge of the balance between lovingly supporting another in their choices and not imposing by over-caring for them. To achieve this balance is the greatest form of loving care there is. Your sharing of your journey with this is very inspiring.
We say we are looking after others, but if we are attached to their choices and disregard our own needs we invest in something that will only cause everyone harm. If we’re serious about supporting people it truly needs to start with ourselves.
Carmel I love this question you asked…”I couldn’t not care, so how could I care without over-caring?” What was very clear about what you shared here is that over-acting is not caring, and in this case in was control. How much we all go into control rather that to truly care is more common that we all care to admit. We are offered many reflections in even one relationship. How great that you really got to see that true care begins with ourselves first.
I am learning that true love is the gift of giving another person space to find out for themselves everything they need to know for their own evolution. It also means not holding back if there is a true impulse to say something.
Top parenting tips for us all – whether we have children or not – as we parent ourselves, everyone in our lives and open up to the riches of true relationships
Emotions can have very real and physical affects on our health, body and wellbeing.
For all of us who have a penchant for control, this is an inspiring blog Carmel as you show us how control can play out for both parties and for you to realise that it was far more loving for you to ‘let him take care of his own body, to make his own decisions and to support him in whatever way felt appropriate, but always to let him lead.’ is very inspiring as this is not played out enough in this world.
It’s great that you have discovered that true caring is about leaving people be. Offering support is so important, but smothering someone with our concerns and anxieties and wanting to do it all for them is not supportive at all. It’s the opposite to what we have generally come to understand in this society as caring, and we can allow people to empower themselves no matter what their circumstances.
So true Rebecca. When we leave people be and allow them to make there own choices in their own timing, they will make mistakes, but learn from them and then reach a point eventually that is true. But its all in their own timing without any interference from another.
It is such a truism, And yet needs to be said again and again, we cannot truly look after anyone until we look after ourselves.
The subtleties of trying to please each other rather than communicating with absolute honesty creates issues that don’t need to be there. When we assume we know what our partners need we are way out of line, we need to read the current situation in every moment and be love no matter what.
True love definitely does not have control in it.
You are both evolving in this relationship. Allowing each other to be where you are at is huge, and I’m sure breaking many patterns and consciousness along the way. I’m learning this with parenting, how actually loving and healing feeling our consequences can be.
The notion of truly taking care of oneself in order to take care of another may seem unusual and even selfish to some, but in fact it is only by going to this depth of self care that we can truly and lovingly take care of another.
What a beautiful example of how learning to let go of the pictures around caring for another looks like and the nature of true relationship.
Jenny that’s so true, we often think we are caring but in fact we are just satisfying our own wish to feel needed. When we do truly care for another and by that I mean when we make love the true foundation behind all that we do everything changes.
What caring and loving looks like in action varies, and has its roots in truth …. a true way for all.
I love the shift from imposition to actual loving presence. A shift that would change the world.
Well said Vanessa. This is a lesson which we would all benefit from greatly if we let go of the need to control situations because of our own needs, ideals or beliefs simply offered space for others to make their own choices in Love.
This is such an inspiring read Carmel. I just love how you share your own reflections and learnings of your current situation. It is very true that relationships bring so much in the way of teaching and showing us things for us to look at and let go off which supports making space to be more loving with self, with partner and of course all others.
When we let go of need, whatever that need, be it for recognition, control, protection etc., we allow a space for the other to truly be themselves and to make their own choices, the choices may not be the choices we would make but we are all at different points in our evolution, and healing can come in many different ways. We may never know or understand what is involved in another’s healing journey, but learning to give space and truly loving support is the only way to go, and is truly healing for everyone involved.
The need we can have for another totally caps the relationship from being the full potential of what it can be. When we step back and review our ideals and pictures of what life should be and let everyone and thing be, we might be pleasantly surprised how rich and purposeful life can be.
I love what you share Natalie, as very recently the picture and ideals I held around dating just got busted, and actually kept me from dating because it had to look and be a certain way. With the pictures gone, it feels so very freeing and with the space this has created, it is so clear that I just have to be myself!
When you accept that a “relationship” has greater meaning than just for the two of you, then we are in purpose, so being purpose-full is definitely evolutionary. When we are in purpose with a ‘true’ in-front of it then we have no “pictures”, “ideals” or beliefs for we can appreciate our divine calling. So as you have shared Natalie, being in ‘true purpose’ brings true relationships that can fully bring their “potential”.
This where we can bring true responsibility in to our relationships…”In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.” how many of us consider the quality we hold ourselves in?
This is where I am discovering the magic happens,
And may I add divine purpose Samantha, which deepens the loving relationship we have with everyone!
So true Carmel and such a learning for all to feel” In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself ” A beautiful sharing to bring to our lives true caring and the love and evolution for us all.
When we are caring for a loved one there can be a tendency to think we have to ‘do it all’ and that is a false belief because if we are exhausted then we cannot care. When my father was dying of lung cancer I thought I had to lift him but the community nurse showed me how you can get patients to help themselves sit up or stand up and I’ve seen this in an elder care home where staff show residents where to place their hands for their own support. It is easy to abuse our bodies trying to help others less able and I wonder how many carers have back problems?
This is a great practical example of how by not taking on anothers ‘weight’ we don’t get weighed down and they are empowered to continue to support themselves in what ever capacity that is, as long as they can.
What a journey and learning for the both of you, to be open and willing to make changes in the way you were going about things, to be open and honest just goes to show how much we really heal and allow harmony in our lives.
To let go and allow another to lead their own life, yet have the loving presence to speak what you feel, with no need for the other to get it is very loving of both self and the other. This is not something to be seen as too hard, or out there, but as the true way to live in life. A way we can all choose at any time.
We can have ‘pride’ in making ourselves useful and that we are doing a ‘good job’, but these attachments can hold us in the past. The true celebration/joy and confirmation of our activity brings a movement forward, so as we are never looking back.
Well said, there is great settlement in ones body when there is acceptance for what is coming to us. There is no need to prepare, organise, wonder, doubt anything, as what is coming brings with it what is needed.
We can get drained by making life a drama instead to see life, whatever may happen to us, as an offering to learn more about life, about ourselves and the grandness we are.
Exactly Nico that was my life, I “loved” that drama but was exhausted, and what I now understand is its the drama that distracted me from not feeling all the things I did not like about life – when I change the way I live and start to enjoy and appreciate myself suddenly I don’t not like life, I’m not exhausted and drama is not my drug like it was before.
Yes David, making a drama of life was my past too and still is for many people an every day experience as they say to me that that makes them feel they are living, something is happening in an otherwise boring life. But in that, and also to my own past experience, they need a lot of stimulants like coffee and sweets to counter the exhaustion they are living with.
It is sometimes hard to see loved ones make their own choices that you know they can make differently but that is what life is. We all have free will and a history in living many lives here on earth that makes us to make the choices we make as we all have something different to learn.
We can only walk beside other people but we cannot ever make them to make our choices.
Very true, how much our world would change if this was chosen and actively lived.
Yes, Leigh, this would definitely change our world as we would not interfere with one another but would only be there to inspire each other by reflection instead of comparison and well-meant advice.
“I couldn’t not care, so how could I care without over-caring?” This is a line I can so relate to Carmel at what point does caring become a need to control a situation. It is something I am learning daily and one of the words that has helped me understand the need to control is ‘ownership’, if we can own a situation then it somehow become easier to handle because we think we have everything under control, but in ownership we are not allowing others to have their say or allowing things to unfold in their true way.
Caring without imposition is exquisite.
Often, people have their own idea of what’s good or not good for specific illness and we tend to get lost in trying to be a saviour. Unless we over ride what we are feeling, our body will know exactly what is needed at the time.
Interesting how we can mistake ‘care’ for ‘Love’ and be imposing in the process. This week I am learning the importance of communication – when we feel hurt we tend to avoid speaking and there is nothing more uncomfortable than a stony silence or a shallow conversation where neither party dare speak about what they are feeling for fear of getting hurt further, that brings it back to self-love for when we don’t express we are only hurting ourselves. There is no hurt when truth is expressed.
There is no care in emotional love as it always comes with a personal agenda. True love beholds, imposes nothing, honours all equally and presents Truth.
Love as we generally know it today is emotional love, which imposes our emotions onto another… and so far from the true love we all innately know deep within.
Bringing ‘true love to caring’ is what is need to be taught in nursing and medical schools to prevent burnout exhaustion and fatigue and a way of self caring in the profession.
When we visit people in the hospital we tell ourselves that it is for their benefit but in a lot of cases, it is to ease our own fears and potential hurts by the potential loss. From my observations with my parents who have since both passed away, my father would be the one that was ill and he would have to comfort my mother because she was so afraid of him dying and of dying herself.
It is so true Carmel that we can often disempower another from making better choices for themselves by over doing the caring side of things.
Loving ourselves is the last thing our spirit wants to do but is the only way we can truly support others in this world. I’ve tried so many times to put the horse before the cart and can confirm it doesn’t work.
Caring with true love is true service itself, and great healing takes place.
Thank you Carmel, I always find this blog so very touching to read because there is such a beautiful intention behind your actions as you uncover what true care and love is within a challenging situation. Caring for myself before others has been a huge learning curve (and still is) so I appreciate everything you have shared here.
This is very gorgeous. We can truly support others when we are not invested in controlling what they choose. When someone is not well it is an opportunity for healing to take place in many bodies as it brings up something different for everyone.
Caring for another can be challenging, especially if they feel unwell and are moody as a result. I understand that some Alzheimers patients can get aggressive, others with dementia get repetitive in their anxious questions, whatever the illness there are always challenges, but if we can read the situation, take nothing personally and make sure we are loving with ourselves first, then we can be loving with all.
So true Carmel for the moment we take something personal we are likely to react with our emotions instead of just observing and letting it all unfold as it needs to.
We can’t do it all for someone else, we truly care most in allowing them space and offering them a reflection of the love we all are in all we do.
There is no over caring in true care. We lovingly do what is needed and then detach from any out comes.
Sometimes it is hard to know what the other person needs and that is where our own self care needs to deepen, letting go of the need to be needed, truly giving others space to feel for themselves.
Thank you Carmel for your comment, needing to be needed can start early in life as the socialisation process can mould us to be givers and carers, to ‘help out’, and to put others before ourselves. We can learn that to be acknowledged comes from what we do for others, and can lose touch with feeling our own needs and focusing on our own self care. We can lose connection to ourselves because life becomes about what we do (a role) and not who we are. It’s a huge process undoing it all! I have certainly found myself the more I love me and give others space the healthier the relationships are. It really contradicts the beliefs I grew up with however that way of life exhausted me and this does not.
I love how you share how important expressing how you feel in any relationship is and discussing things together lovingly . This allows a harmony and flow together with true understanding and growth within.
Very inspiring and a real tribute to yourself with all you share in your learning to simply be with another and not impose and what true support and love truly is if we open ourself up to all that is offered to us to learn from.
Thank you Carmel such a beautiful role modelling of letting go of control and outcomes and making it about love first.
Agreed Jenny when we let go of the outcomes everything changes, when we make it about love then we end up with a truly transformed life.
This is a very important subject to raise and as I’m aware of many who are carers have had the same experience as you, the carers can end up very exhausted, drained, giving all of themselves to the one being cared for but is this actually caring? You present your personal experience which i am sure resonates for many in this position. True care is caring for ourselves and the other, allowing the other to have the space to heal and not as you have stated to try and control the other and everything around. We may think sympathy is love but it actually is dumping our sense that they are in a less than position than us, they feel that, it’s awful. Bring true care which becomes a healing in itself for the one being cared for where they have the space to be.
We can often feel our caring is never enough, when we truly care lovingly, it is very healing for the one being cared for as they are held in a space of feeling supported and valued with the permission to be themselves.
In any relationship it is important to share what we feel about everything otherwise resentment and frustration builds up and arguments can follow which were entirely preventable with a little bit of honesty and understanding.
Yes.. true care has no control, need or manipulation, but is an offering of support and space for others to make their own choices, in their own time.
It is very inspiring to read how much you are opening yourself up to everything that is offered in, and because of, your relationship. Thank you, Carmel.
Supporting your partner’s choices because that is what he chooses without compromising yourself, even though you may not agree with his choice, is love lived in action.
Allowing people who are terminally ill to make their own choices allows them to live with dignity because they know their own bodies better than we ever can and they will have a sense of what they need or don’t need.
Very wise words Carmel, I feel they can also be applied to anybody no matter what stage they are in in life. The moment we try to help someone or fix something we are effectively interfering with their evolution and arrogantly saying we know better than them, so we are not honouring the fact that they too know the truth just maybe choosing less. The moment we honour someone as the all knowing God that they are then they have the opportunity to come back to living from this knowing without any guilt or shame about the choices they have made, after all God does not judge, he simply loves.
Great post! I like to see relationships as a beautiful commitment where you and your partner stick together though whatever may come your way, it’s about solving problem and giving energy to each other. Sadly nowadays it often about drama and blaming each other or just having somebody not to be lonely
I agree Mauro, we often are in relationship mostly for ourselves and not truly to support each other and from this selfishness we make the drama because we feel our needs not fulfilled.
It takes a lot of the stress and pressure off when we can step back and allow someone to be responsible for their own choices, as ultimately we all are (even when we decide to take no responsibility!).
Yes your so right, rather than trying to control then you can allow them the respect and honour to do what they choose. So relate to this with parenting, I need a daily reminder!!!
Yes, very true. It is in this step, that is the movement of bringing true love to caring. Both gain. The balance between giving and receiving is equal between both parties.
Emotions are totally imposing on another… bring true love and there is not an ounce of emotion.
Sometimes independence can be used as a way to keep people away, so there is no vulnerability, no exposure, no sense of losing control. But this way always reveals itself for what it is, as we are more often than not left feeling the results of our choices, with isolation and exhaustion as the usual markers for the impact. So I love that you took the steps to remain open and welcoming to the love and support that is there for you, showing that you had already learnt about letting people in, and now all there is left is to live what you know to be true.
People need people in a true way not a needy way. We are not built for isolation.
The moment we are not in sympathy and trying to ‘do good’ or ‘get it right’ we are with truth and thus able to respond to its impulses in order to provide exactly what is needed in any given moment.
To respond to the impulses is deeply honouring of ourselves and of others.
So simple when you put it like that Liane, and so exactly what is needed is easily accessed and lived, we complicate life and then it seems complicated which confirms our need to protect and control.
How many carers have made themselves ill by not looking after themselves, putting others needs before their own? It is so very important for all carers to not be afraid or too proud to ask for help because usually people are very willing to pitch in and lend a hand.
I would imagine most carers make themselves ill from putting the other person first all the time and not attending to their own needs. Self care is most certainly not selfish but rather the most loving act you can give another.
Yes indeed Kevin – we have got it completely upside down and it would serve well to make sure we look after ourselves before attending to others needs.
‘…and I am working on letting go of the need to be right all the time!’ I can see this in my own life and it’s actually very freeing to let go of this. There’s a great beauty in appreciating life as it is – I don’t have to make my mark and invest the enormous effort to do so. There’s a greater appreciation of people and feeling the gold that can come through us, and just observe the stuff that isn’t pleasant. And of course, there’s the humility of the grandness of what we belong to and allowing myself to feel a part of it too, integrally so.
True support is when we care for the whole – everything, ourselves and others – and instead of having a picture of how that may be.. letting our body’s feelings and impulses show us the way.
I have worked in the health care system all of my adult life and am only just understanding what true care is. Care for ourselves and care for others has to come from an open, honest. loving, unattached, non-imposing, non-critical way of living. I will be working on this for the rest of my life, for myself and everyone I come into contact with.
This is so beautiful to feel when you describe true care. There’s the space to be without need or condemnation. Lovely, a space to breathe our own breath.
Very true Gill, this is a lifetimes work to live without the impositions of ideals and beliefs as to who we are and what we ‘should’ be doing.
Allowing people to be where they are and not judge is such a blessing for us all and really it can’t come from us unless we accept where we are ourselves and let go of the critical judgements that seem to control us. So much freeing when we do this.
I agree, Natalie, we need to accept ourselves more and be less critical and judgemental. Once we realise how negatively we think about ourselves we can feel how dishonouring that is and make steps towards nothing but appreciation, which then expands to appreciating others in every way.
Thank you, Carmel. I can feel the grace of your openness to learning. It is wonderful to hear about how you have developed a deeper relationship with your partner, by honouring his choices and thereby allowing him to process his responses to being ill without imposition.
One of the gifts of accepting other people in our lives in their fullness, flaws and all, is that it dispenses with judgement and the push to control. It also offers us the opportunity to be more honest about the way we behave.
Our intuition and gut is our deepest subconscious engaging with us it’s always best to stay tuned! Thanks for sharing!
Such a magnificent sharing Carmel one that many people could relate to. To bring more love is so beautiful compared to control and imposition and that awful need to be right! I will reread this time and again as there is so much this relates to like parenting for example. Pure gold thank you.
The healing effect of honesty is just profound.
‘He expressed to me that he was fed up with being treated like an invalid and I realised that my caring was in fact over-done and I was imposing.’ – It goes to show how important it is for us to speak truth to each other no matter what, as it is the only way we can become aware of where we are at and what quality our actions are actually in. We all need true reflections to be able to grow and learn.
It is really important for us to care for ourselves first, before we care for another and if that means asking for help then we need to honour ourselves and ask, because as you have beautifully shared with us when we override what our own body requires we end up exhausted and unable to truly help anyone.
I work in health and social care and so often observe staff being emotionally attached to those they care for and although the can see this as being caring it is actually imposing on the people who are subject to this.
This is such a key understanding about true support and care of people that ought to be a fundamental part of the vocational training.
Being emotionally attached and being in sympathy with others was something I thought was a great thing until I actually felt the impact of this on my own health… I found it to be draining and exhausting. Then, of course as you say Michael its also very imposing on another too.
Thank you Michael, I appreciated your comment, when I look back over my life and see where emotional attachment came with caring it was very imposing, but also justified at times by ‘doing good’.
The relationships in our lives that are evolutionary and based on true love can feel grand and a massive part of our lives, even when this is with a relative or friend that you see only a few times per year. Quality ALWAYS makes a bigger difference than Quantity.
I have this all the time with friends I can not see for years on end due to them being on the other side of the world but when we speak or see each other the love makes everything seem timeless.
A super important part of caring for another is how we care for ourselves. The quality of care given starts always with the quality of how we are with ourselves.
I have started to do this at a much more consistent and deeper level than before and the benefits are huge. I feel so much more able to observe things around me, still a long way to go but a huge improvement.
It just goes to show you cannot provide a space for caring and therefore healing without caring for yourself first. How can you study care without knowing what that feels like in your body. I have clocked the deeper I go into my tenderness e.g. with my touch with myself the more I am able to provide that space for another.
Great you are learning to be less critical of yourself Carmel, something where my focus is on too. What you say is a healthy mind is definitely supporting our body to be healthy, healthy for ourselves means also supporting for others.
It’s like a circle healthy body = healthy thoughts and vice versa, it is the quality of the next step that makes the cycle loving or not.
Thank you for sharing Carmel feels like this relates to so many elements in life such as motherhood for example – how as mothers we forget to care for ourselves because we have to look after the children – they come first and then we wonder why we are exhausted. Your sharing brings light to a subject we all can learn from and develop a truly caring way of being.
Great sharing Carmel! You have hit the nail on the head so as to speak when you realised that you as the carer first and foremost needs to look after yourself and secondly learning to care for someone without any imposition. Everyone needs to read this as it is invaluable.
I agree, this blog is invaluable and can help us truly understand yet another aspect of relationships.
There is something wonderful in this blog for me to see. In any relationship there is always something for both parties to observe and learn from. The situation of your partner’s health offers him many lessons absolutely, and equally (but less obviously) the learning is there for you too. Nothing is random, and everything is everything so always good to observe what our role is, our learning, our responsibility.
Being supportive starts with appreciation. Appreciation of someone stops judgement and through that there is a deepening of love, that goes beyond the superficial situation. What we are reflecting in Support is a return back to Truth, that we are both/all love.
I really needed to read this, appreciation first to activate the love rather than the critique!
‘Somehow I didn’t trust him and tried to control the situation’ – This level of honesty is very rare between us, if we were to look at our own part in every situation with such openness and willingness to see the whole picture, it would revolutionize reltationships.
We can never give too much, but we can slip into sympathy, pandering, and also the feeling of being ‘useful’ and this satisfies that part of us that is looking for recognition and self-adulation, and then it is not a true offering as the situation then becomes about ‘us’.
A great point – to watch out for the need for recognition as well as the need for being seen as someone who is being useful and /or helpful.
Great to call out how sympathy and any care offered that has an agenda, can be so imposing on another.
We really don’t see the effect that sympathy has at all. The more we allow ourselves to see it and how we use it, very tactfully, the more we see its harmful smothering effects.
Carmel, I am sure this is so relatable for so many in caring for another.. that we lose ourselves in it and want to do the best we can for them. But what you share here shows a much more loving way to care for someone, through caring for yourself and allowing your partner find their way with caring for themselves whilst still supporting them rather than doing it for them. A great sharing thank you.
Thank you for sharing Carmel not only your constant reflection and learning with your partner, but the steps you’re discovering and taking, that support you both to deepen your love and evolve.
We can get so caught up in another’s issues and that will always drain our energy so learning to be a part of another evolution without us being imposing is important for everyone to learn.
It is difficult when someone is not open to be supported or cared for – in the way we think they should. We do not want to be imposing or controlling, but we do not want to be pandering either – so what do we do? The more and more I look at the intricacy and the simplicity of everyday life, I get a sense that I really need to drop the way I have been trained to learn/understand things. It is not black and white. And there is no ‘getting it right’. It is making it all about love and starting everything from that place, knowing that I do not have to know what it would look like but absolutely be certain and knowing it is love’s way. How I love being a student.
‘By telling him what I felt he should do, I was not allowing him freedom to choose and, what is more, he wasn’t learning the lessons for himself. ‘ I can really relate to this in relation to elderly relatives. When I felt how imposing I was being and how uncaring this felt – not to mention arrogant! – I stopped. I realised what was especially painful was the reflection of these beautiful people’s disregard of themselves because I wasn’t taking steps to care for myself in the way I knew I could. Once I stopped trying to control them and focus on loving myself, they’ve come to their own realisations and made adjustments, accepting help. I’m alongside them on this journey – not at them!!
“I also need to have no attachment to keeping him alive.” This is a huge barrier to break through Carmel, one that challenges all our norms around illness, disease and dying. If we truly love someone, supporting them through this vulnerable time in their lives free from our own agenda creates a truly loving and healing space for them, one that when held well strengthens the love for each beyond our usual emotional bonds and opens the door to much deeper realms of connection, respect, true love and immense integrity.
Yes this is huge Rowena “I also need to have no attachment to keeping him alive.” Carmel’s understanding, her learning along the way and the steps she’s taking with her husband show us how it is possible, and why it is possible, to approach/be at this point in a loved one’s life that deepens the love, leaving emotion, fear and any sense of helplessness far, far away.
Reading this made me realise how important it is for us to be clear in our expression and being able to express what we are feeling as it seems here true support got confused for sympathy ‘Back in the UK, when someone was ill, we would set up a rota of supporters to bring meals and to visit in hospital, but my partner said he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to have to deal with anyone’s sympathy,’ Expression really is everything. It was humbling to read this.
It is in these situations that communication and understanding are so vitally important because if we don’t express how we feel we can get annoyed with someone else and we allow others to make choices for us that we are not happy with. We can blame the other for making the choice but we also need to look our part for giving our power away to another and not speaking up.
Lessons come in all numerous ways and in all different shapes and sizes and it is not for us to be the judge of what we are to or not to learn but see every opportunity as a learning. The moments I have reacted to in the past may have been what I thought was no big deal but in truth they have been golden opportunities for me to grow. I am learning not to dismiss or discount anything.
After reading this blog I got a complete different look on what caring actually entails. I sense that true care is not to worry about someone’s health or to be fearful for the future but that it is to be in this moment and feel from our heart what is needed to bring to the situation.
Exactly, Nico, to surrender to the What Is and read the situation moment by moment using our clairsentience to feel what needs to be done to support evolution
And there is something gorgeous in hearing how caring developed over the weeks and months – first being driven by an ideal of what it look like and past patterns of doing it, to then being open to feedback from your partner and listening to your own body of how to care more truly.
That is in important point you mention Carmel, to not take on sympathy for someone’s suffering. As what you say you cannot always oversee why they are in that condition, what brought them there but when we go into sympathy, it makes us blind to see what a healing opportunity the illness or disease is for that person and what a blessing from our soul it actually is.
One interesting factor in caring for a terminally ill partner is the not knowing when it comes to timescale. Sometimes people get a prognosis of a few months and survive years, in other cases there can be an expectation of a long term illness but the partner dies early. We are not in control of this in any way and the only thing to do is surrender and live each day to the max. Being loving in every moment can be a challenge but we don’t want to have any regrets either. After a loved one’s death when we get thoughts of ‘I wish I had…’ they only serve to drain our energy – far better to enjoy every moment in love while they are alive.
That is a great learning Carmel and to be in this proces like that feels so supportive, Not only for your partner, but for yourself too.
In my experience it has been commonplace to care more for others than to care for ourselves. It happens with parents and children, children and parents, caring for friends or relatives who are sick or being a carer out in the community. It seems wherever there is someone who requires care, there is someone caring for them at the expense of their own self care. So what you are sharing here Carmel is super supportive and very inspiring for anyone who may find themselves in that position.
“By telling him what I felt he should do, I was not allowing him freedom to choose and, what is more, he wasn’t learning the lessons for himself.” This is a trick of the human spirit that many of us fall into. Well done you for seeing this and having the guts to step away from it and allow him the freedom to choose and learn that lesson himself, whilst still expressing what you feel with no attachment.
Control is not fair on either party, as it is illusion that one can be ‘in control’, so who then is truly ‘in control’? Also, the person on the receiving end has the right of will to do what they please (within the confines of the law of course).
I find it interesting how sympathy is generally seen as a good, decent and even expected quality in our society, when really, there is no true respect and certainly no love in sympathy.
I know the hospital situation from the other side and can affirm all you discovered over the three episodes to be true Carmel. I had two hip replacements just after my partner and I met eleven years ago. During the first procedure I fell into misery and victim, and my partner responded by overstressing himself trying to visit frequently from the island we were living on, bringing my food requirements and going into sympathy. We both learned our lesson, for six months later for the second one he went away, organised two friends to visit, but left me to find my own strength from within. This I did, and began to support others in the ward. It was the greatest gift he could have given me.
“but left me to find my own strength from within” A real gift of love that requires great commitment, to truth and to each other, far better than a bunch of flowers and lashings of sympathy! And one that empowers us to discover more of our selves and our innate source of wisdom.
We can all too easily become embroiled in another person’s situation and relinquish our own care in the process, which in reality is just climbing in the pit with them, not much help if we feel both at sea! Remaining steadfast to what we need to keep us on track provides precisely what the other person needs, a strong anchor in a turbulent moment that holds a loving perspective and tender care to help us through the journey.
When people are encouraged to care for themselves, they are less likely to give up on life; they can be more surrendered to the illness rather than fight it, and this means that they live with what their body can do, resting when they need to, eating what they feel they need and not what other people tell them to eat. Their body awareness becomes greater as they work with it and the illness then becomes a smaller part of their lives; they can interact with us as before and live as full a life as they are able. It is a joy to see. This is re-imprinting terminal illness for all of us.
Thank you Carmel, it is so thorough what you have shared about your journey of caring for a loved one, and returning to self love and love within the process. Whether it is preparing for a guest or supporting someone who is unwell it’s very easy to place the other person before ourselves and forget about our own self care. What you have shared is that it’s possible to lovingly care for ourselves and others, to let go of what we think love is (the emotional version) and actually live what love is which both have very different outcomes.
To be willing to share with such openness and honesty is very rare amongst us humans, yet this is pure medicine and it is what truly transforms lives.
Purpose, purpose, purpose! True appreciation and purpose within relationships for the love they truly can offer the world is the only way to feel the grander picture of what is possible together and what is truly being chosen when issues and problems are the opted stance.
To truly care for another, we have to apply that same self-care to ourselves fist. If that means getting others to step in and also support then everyone benefits and no one gets drained by the situation.
‘when someone was ill, we would set up a rota of supporters to bring meals and to visit in hospital’ – Fantastic, this is an amazing way to build a true community, to take part and allow yourself to be part of it as well.
When someone is sick they can feel like a burden and resist asking or accepting support. But what you present here Carmel is the beauty of true community. There is no coincidence you got to know your neighbors and local environment after moving in – because these are the people who can actually support. What if this is what we brought a community back to – developing relationships with each other so we can act like a family? It breaks the model of care we are currently settling for.
Supporting someone is very much about being open and honest about where we and they are in the process, not getting attached to ideas of how things should be and trying to control the outcomes.
The more I grow the more I see it’s meant for me to speak and share how I feel, simply like a young, child – without agenda. And like that kid I also know I don’t need to fix anyone else. Caring means speaking up without attachment to any outcome, but most of all nurturing ourselves to be joyful not stressed inside. Boy we had so much right as a child!
It is so easy to take life seriously when a serious illness is in the family and yet fun and joy can be so healing, we can choose to be heavy with our thoughts or we can choose to be light. Be love.
Well said Carmel – it really is that simple.
Giving people the space to be who they are, choose what they want and not judge is reflected in how we are like this with ourselves. The amount of times I have caught myself being super judgemental on myself trying to fit into how I think things need be is a lot.
Yes, we can be very quick to judge and criticise ourselves and as you say, that is vice versa a reflection that we are also judgmental of others.
It is beautiful to read how you allow yourself to take life one step at a time and are open to learn with every step you take.
This is so beautiful to read, an honest loving reflection of oneself knowing that unless we bring true care to ourselves we cannot bring this to another. This brings us the space to know what healing is.
What a gorgeous lesson for you Carmel. As you take us through your learnings in this there is a sense of lightness that emerges, and a sense of freedom between the two of you as you learn to allow your partner to choose his own choices. There is much more love in this than the control that you were administering before.
Heartfelt, honest and super sweet… I love this article. Thank you Carmel for sharing your realisations about what true care is.
The conversation about the discrepancy between control on the one hand and care and support on the other is invaluable. I have been noticing a reaction justified by the thought that everything will fall apart if I let go! But increasingly I am realising that letting go does not mean abandoning my input and involvement, but dropping the pictures I am trying to make happen whether it is in the form of outcome or how we get there.
Funny that. Golnaz, that’s exactly why we try to control everything, and the word I’m learning is ‘Surrender’ so I am letting go of pictures and expectations and simply being with the Way It Is.
It’s very true Golnaz, letting go of control doesn’t necessarily mean we abandon input or involvement, just that the energy behind our actions is loving in the sense that we include ourselves in that love, and allow others the space to experience what they are going through and to learn in their own way. It’s a huge learning curve which I am still on. Great to share in everyone’s wisdom here and gain more understanding on this topic.
A lot of the time we confuse caring with sympathy and when we play this card, we do not allow the other to feel what needs to be felt so they can arise out of the situation they find themselves in and can then accept the healing on offer. True caring has not a drop of sympathy but it has a depth of understanding, love and space that allows the other to unshackle themselves from that which has kept them bound for so long. We need more of this in our world.
Yes we do need more of this in our world, we are so solution-focused in our approach to any problem (1) because we think we know better and (2) it’s quicker, but in truth people don’t learn from what we tell them, they learn from their own experiences and we need to give everyone space to learn in their own time, not our time
We do, Liane. Sympathy and enmeshment in other people’s situations and choices keeps us all incarcerated. There is a freshness and freedom in the space we can afford ourselves and each other to realise the impact of the choices we make and have made.
I agree Matilda, as a long term carer when I finally started to place my own self love first it gave me the space to be myself and care for myself, and this then offered space to the person I was caring for. It was actually much more supportive because the quality of energy I was living in self love was then felt by the person I was caring for, they were literally held in the love I was living, which inspired them to also be more loving with themselves. Previous to this I was trying to control things and panicky about outcomes, so this was an enormous change. The person in question wasn’t able to continue responding to love for various reasons, but I was able to continue deepening my self love which had a tremendous impact on my wellbeing.
This is so beautifully expressed. I am learning the more I am allowed to fall the more steadfast and true the learning it is. It may feel painful and uncomfortable at times, but I’d rather this than be protected from the learning which prevents me from growing and evolving.
It’s a good way to describe sympathy and it’s outcomes, to “be protected from the learning which prevents me from growing and evolving.”
There is a reason that baby birds are pushed out of the nest by their parents – for how else do they know that the one and same wings sprout from their back also?
Such an honest and open sharing, beautiful, and for everyone’s benefit. We have so much to learn from all our experiences. Thank you Carmel.
‘Looking back, I should have ignored his instructions and asked for support on my own account, if not for him.’ – It is all too common for us to attend to instructions from others while we ignore the signals from our own body.
Yes we pay more attention to the outside world than we do to our own inner feelings and this can lead to emotional outbursts that need not have happened in the first place. Feel and express is one of the lessons I am learning, to pay attention to this fleeting sense that all is or is not well, feels true or not true, and then to express what I feel and not have any attachment to the outcome, i.e. not expecting anyone else to change as a result of my expression.
Yes, I can very much relate to the ongoing learning to express what I am feeling and not what I assume is expected of me, and also not expect anyone else to adjust themselves according to my expression.
It is so important to not have any expectations of a particular outcome because the result could potentially be so much more than any picture we create.
Beautiful Carmel, learning true love in relationships and the amazing healing this offers us in our evolution and the importance of caring for oneself first in order to be truly supportive for another. An amazing sharing of your learning of love and the offering of allowing another the space to be held and grow also.
Starting with loving you and caring for yourself Carmel feels true, then you can bring that same connection to another without doing anything.
Carmel, you are an absolute rolemodel! Not regarding yourself as being a victim of circumstances and coping with everything, that is there to be looked at and accepting what is there for you to learn in this more than challenging situation, is not only brave and strong but very wise. I am sure, you will get out of this as an even more solid person!
Yes it could be easy to go into victimhood and feel that the world or life has done me a disservice, but when I look at the lessons I am learning, the way my awareness is increasing, and the reflections I get whenever I resist greater awareness, I can see that I am in the perfect place for my own evolution.
As always… Heaven would never confront us with more than we could be able to handle.
That goes for everyone we meet, it is so easy to judge by appearances but in our deepest essence we are all the same
‘I realised that it was far more loving to let him take care of his own body, to make his own decisions and to support him in whatever way felt appropriate, but always to let him lead.’ yes this way we build the love and care for oursleves through listening to our body and learning to feel what will support us and what will not.
It is great that when he got sick second time around you listened to what you needed and sought the appropriate support which not only supported you but your partner as well. As the carer if we do not look after ourselves our quality of care diminishes.
There are so many pictures about „caring for another“.
My partner also had 1 week in hospital visit recently and although we had support, my own ideals and the pressure I put on myself, that I was needed to be there, caused that I went into function mode. Yes, it was supportive that I was there, but what compromise did I choose for myself? Function versus quality. Bad consciousness versus truth.
The emotions of drama’s are not of our nature and therefore a poison to the body, same as a physical poison but is not yet recognised as such.
Living love is the best support we can give to ourselves and others as it is all inclusive and in full appreciation of who we are and where we are in our evolution back to Soul.
When we are unwell, in some regards, the body is so honed in and precise in its needs – for example when I have been super unwell, I know innately which foods are ok for me to have and how much and how often and there is no space to go wrong with this as the message from the body is so strong.
But there are times when I have been quite unwell and whilst in that vulnerable state of not feeling that great, It can be harder to make some decisions around how to give myself the best medical care or organise practical aspects – at times like this it is helpful to turn to those you trust and get the support from GPs, Naturopaths, and be open to their suggestions and support. If we do not honour this balance, our healing can be delayed.
I agree, there is a great deal of healing that can take place when we are fully supported
How important is it to know when to reach out for support and help, to honour this and then to embrace the support and help that comes our way…we are after all not meant to ‘do it all ourselves’, but sometimes I can feel this resilience wanting to kick in, the feeling of ‘I can do this by myself’ or the ‘I don’t want to be a burden to others’ or that ‘others are so busy I cannot ask this of them’ etc. When we truly need support, it is amazing to feel how it is there for us if we simply give ourselves permission to ‘see’ it.
When we live life trying to control the uncontrollable we simply end up exhausting ourselves and those around us. As I learn to let go of control and becoming more observing in my life I can allow a space for people to learn for themselves.
It is great how we get these beautiful reflections to learn from in our relationships, I have no doubt, that my husband and I are brought together to learn to truly be together in union in this life and not hold back from true intimacy – lots to learn along the way.
True intimacy, yes, there is much to learn, especially when we need to unravel all the times we try to please, try to be fair, try to get it right because anything less than honest truth leads to arguments and disagreements and disharmony. Love is being open and honest with absolutely no attachments.
I watched my mum age and get exhausted when grandma came to live with her when she couldn’t live alone anymore. The idea was great but it just wasn’t practical and it would have killed my mum if she had carried on. If we are caring for someone at the expense of our own health it kind of doesn’t add up does it? Although sometimes it may be unavoidable.
Thank you Carmel, a very honest and inspiring sharing. When people are ill it can be very dis- empowering for them when we attempt to steer the direction, even with the ‘best’ intentions.
Beautifully said Victoria – there is so much to learn on both sides in terms of true support and being open to receiving that support too whilst never disempowering either party.
When we feel the need to help someone we may need to ask what our need actually is as helping the other is mainly about helping ourselves in a distorted way. Sometimes we are not aware of our underlying need because we disguise it in a form of control instead of allowing for the vulnerability, helplessness or weakness to be felt that may come with it.
For me there was a great deal of anxiousness, I didn’t want to go through the whole drama of hospital visits again and didn’t trust him to look after himself so I restricted what he could do in a very controlling and rigid way. Looking back it was an awful imposition. We talked about it a great deal and gradually I relaxed and let go of the anxiousness and we slowly rebuilt the trust. There have been so many small ways that I have been able to change my whole approach to the situation, for example I stopped asking every five minutes how he was feeling – he’s doing very well and life has been far more relaxed.
Indeed Richard, when our pursue is other people to make our choices, we will forever fail in that mission which should not have to be a mission in the first place. That said, we cannot save someone or let let them do what we feel they should do. The greatest support to people will be always be to hold them in love and allow them in full to be who they are and allow them to make the choices they make..
When we bring love to a relationship without any expectations or personal needs, then there is space for bringing true care, the care that is needed to help one another to learn and evolve.
This is something I am learning that if we have any expectations or needs it is not true love
Sure Carmel and a great thing to relearn as deep within we do know how to be in any situation or with any issue at hand. It is simply our nature to just be, but in our upbringing we were told that that is not enough, or even not valued at all, and instead we were told to be in a certain way that is not us that makes us being uncomfortable and full of expectations for the rest of our life, if we choose so.
We can only bring true care to another if we know how to take care for ourselves first.
Hmmm. Simple and succinct. Nowhere to hide in this comment!
Everyone is on their own path. From lived experience, we know what doors not to open, but not something we should limit them to, only the one door we want them to enter.
Wow, I don’t know what I expected when I started reading this blog but I was offered so much through your sharing. To be with another when they are sick and to ensure they maintain their independence and take responsibility for their own healing is such a gift. As human beings we are not very skilled at letting others choose without the need to comment or impose but I can see what an important skill it is to learn.
Thanks, Lucy, in fact the results can be amazing, in some cases when you tell a person they are terminally ill they may give up and die very early on whereas if the sick person is allowed to direct their own life, is trusted to know and feel how much they can or cannot do with how their bodies are day by day, the freedom and independence they gain can give them a new lease of life and they can live far longer than what the doctor predicted.
I can see there is a lack of imposition too. They may want to go quickly or they may want to stay and re-imprint areas of their lives they feel they held back from expressing and being who they truly are. Either way, giving someone the respect to make that decision for themselves is all that is called for.
Caring for someone can easily end up in trying to control their life, their choices, their every move. My question always is: how would I like to be treated if I needed care? Do we really want people to sympathise, pander and run themselves ragged, apparently for us, or do we, in the first instance, always care for ourselves foremost, even if and especially when we need assistance.
There is also a risk that people who ‘don’t want to be a bother’ won’t ask for help and support even if they did truly ‘need’ it. Our job is to discern what is truly needed so that we don’t ‘mother’ and ‘smother’ them.
Yes, often the question is often not even asked, what would support you the most? We have our own agendas and it is quite arrogant to think we know what is best for another. I know I do not like being treated with any sympathy.
When we stay in the driving seat, whatever is going on for us, as in being responsible for our choices, needs and any support required, it changes the face of health care and relationships completely.
I love this blog as ‘bringing true love’ to caring offers the potential to revolutionise how we enter into the caring role.
Yes we have the phrase help people to help themselves and that is key here, letting go of thinking we know better than the person themselves. Sometimes people are too sick to make a decision for themselves and that is for us to feel and discern.
We’re all equal and whatever the relationships, there is no better or less than. We give, receive and learn from each other.
That sounds so obvious and yet when one is ill it can been seen as they are not capable or lesser and not able to make their own decisions. I saw this when my partner was very ill and the doctors would direct the conversation to me when he was sitting right beside me. I always directed the conversation back to my partner. Yes we are all equal.
When we’re open, we move from guidance received in each moment. For example a client unused to openly expressing their feelings, tells you they can’t get to sleep at night and asks for your help. This is a breakthrough and opportunity to explore more with them. The support given comes from the client too, we offer them a choice, they choose.
Caring is a job that people do and are paid for this service they provide. Doctors, car mechanics and sanitary waste engineers (bin men) all provide a caring service for us. They are all doing something for us externally. We all must provide ourselves with the care, our body requires, that is our job.
Sometimes, if we do not have stop moments then we can keep going doing something without realising the effect it is having. The same is true of caring for someone else. It is always important to have those moments to check in with ourselves as to how we are.
The humbleness of not knowing better (for another person) allows everyone involved to just be and from there to do their own considerations and make their own choices, to be and to let be while deeply connecting.
There is true love and care when we allow the space for others to learn from their own choices, while we allow ourselves too the same space for us to be sustained with the same level of self-care we offer
Carmel, thank you for sharing so openly about your lives together and the tremendous learning process you have embarked upon. Very precious and inspiring…
This is amazing Carmel, what an amazing lesson in detachment. Not being invested in someone’s choices and in this case someone’s health and their length of life or what may happen in the future is a massive challenge, but your approach is inspirational. Ultimately we can only love being with the people we are with right now and know that whatever happens in the future is taken care of, we don’t need to fight for it, or try and control the outcome but take each day knowing we are part of something bigger here.
“Bringing True Love to Caring” – from being self-caring first.
I agree, Christoph, what you are sharing, Carmel, is incredibly inspiring for anyone in a similar situation. How we choose to deal with situations we are in has an enormous effect on our well-being, physically, emotionally, and energetically. Therefore, it also enormously affects the outcomes as well, as it is how we are with our self in each moment that leads us to the next moment and the next etc.
‘Supporting someone does not mean controlling’ I remember when I was worried about my mum’s health and thought I knew better and she needed to downsize so she didn’t have to worry about the upkeep of such a large and house and garden. I was so arrogant and imposing! But when I felt how much the garden especially meant to her and caring for my father I completely see that actually she’d love to live in the house she’s lived in all her life until she dies. I could see her as a person completely able to make her own decisions and be in charge of her life. Who was I to say otherwise? This was many years ago and her health is improved. It’s helped she’s accepted a lot more support from a care agency in the care of my father.
Thank you anon for sharing your mother’s experiences, I stayed with my mother for the last two weeks of my father’s life because she just couldn’t cope and then he went into the hospice and died within a couple of days. After that she was on her own for many years and like your mother, had a large garden. In my mother’s case they had bought the house from new in 1958 and had built the garden from scratch so everything growing there she had planted herself. She would potter round tending flowers and shrubs and the only reason she was moved into a home was because she was clearly unwell and needed medical attention. She died just five weeks later age 94.
I can see how I have had a picture of what I feel would support my mother but actually it is laced with the guilt that I am not closer to her. She is very happy where she is and therefore it is perfect for her right now, regardless of the house or garden size and my opinion of its level of support!
Understanding and acceptance, both of our own needs and those of others, makes our relationships much simpler, more respectful and equal. I love what is being shared here… it is very supportive as I constantly review and reflect on my behaviour, habits and patterns, particularly in relationships.
“… accepting that his current circumstances were the result of his own past choices in this lifetime and likely also lifetimes before.” This is such a superb teaching for us Carmel, to be able to take a step back and have a longer view of the real ‘why’ behind the conditions we suffer from and our role in their existence. The more we hold true to this understanding, the deeper our compassion as we allow one another to work out the effects of our choices so in time and maybe in the next life, we don’t repeat them because we have truly felt the quality of their impact.
It is great to see the expansion in both of you, with the circumstances you are experiencing.
Everything is a reflection for us… it may be something we need to learn from and or it can be a confirmation of where we are currently at – either way we evolve. This to me is the magic of life – always offering the next point of evolution.
This is beautiful to read Carmel, thank you, you show life in all its simplicity (and the complexity we make of it) and that it is not a matter of time but always a matter of how loving we allow ourselves to be, with ourselves and everybody else.
Yes, quality not quantity is the key here as Carmel beautifully has illustrated. Love is always the best medicine and nursemaid.
‘accepting that his current circumstances were the result of his own past choices’ – One of the biggest lessons for us all to learn is to accept where people are at at any given time and let go of the need to ‘save’ them.
This difference between caring for another from a ‘neediness’ or from ‘sympathy’, and being deeply loving without getting caught up in the emotional drama of the situation, becomes very clear when it is felt first hand.
To support another with true love while still taking care of oneself pays enormous dividends for all involved. There is nothing to lose, and all to gain.
We like to think we’re the ones supporting a client or family member who’s ill, whereas in truth they’re there for us and our own evolution, as much as we are for theirs.
Yes, their awareness can increase a lot and that can be shared with the family.
Beautifully said, Kehinde, with this understanding and appreciation for the gift we are both being offered, there is a balance in the relationship and it becomes easier to allow the space to feel into what will support in each moment rather than going into ‘doing’ from a ‘need’ to take care of the other person.
I agree Kehinde, there is much for us to learn and grow from in a situation where we take on a caring role, if we are open to the reflections on offer.
I feel in many cases when a family member, friend, partner or close loved one is ill we all learn from it .. the person who is ill and the ones supporting who are not ill. For me the key here is not to go into sympathy or anything similar but instead offer a clear quality or love, truth and support to the other to the best of our ability (without perfection) and sometimes its just as much a process for the one supporting as it is for the person that is ill.
Gosh this is interesting to explore… true relationships and the endless exchange and balance of giving and receiving in them.
Thank you so much for sharing all you are learning Carmel. I can relate to thinking I am being caring but it ends up being over-caring (ie controlling!). I love the way you have written this, just sharing where you are at, with some pearls of wisdom and some things you still don’t have ‘the answers’ for. This is the way real life is and our pretending we have it all sorted doesn’t work or support anyone else who is going through a similar situation.
Understanding why the people in our lives are where they are is a key to life. Knowing that there’s no incident or event that is a punishment helps us appreciate how everything is beautifully placed by God. And God certainly doesn’t do coincidences.
Beautifully said, Joseph and I agree, coincidences don’t just happen but constellations do. Understanding that nothing is a punishment but a simple Cause and Effect makes all the difference, we don’t need to beat ourselves up for what we’ve done, just make sure we learn. All of life is a reflection.
I have been very good at ‘beating myself up’ and can feel how it keeps us in a holding pattern, it’s an excuse not to move forward. There is no perfection, we all make mistakes all the time, this is how we learn, therefore, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by ‘feeling bad’ about our choices, for they have allowed us to come to a place of learning, which we are either open to, or not. If not, the pattern repeats until we are ready.
I love the reminder that nothing is a punishment but a beautiful placement by God. What a difference that makes to the moments we would otherwise choose to either feel a victim of circumstance or harshly chastise ourself for our mistake. Instead a moment of appreciation and welcoming the space to learn and expand.
So true Golnaz. Accepting constellations and appreciating the magic of placements helps the flow of life and events, however challenging they may be. A beautiful article, thank you Carmel.
Allowing someone to make their own choices, whilst still offering full support and taking care of one’s own choices is a learning progress for most of us. Allowing others to step in where necessary feels like a very loving choice for all.
‘I am there beside him come what may and being lovingly supportive as much as I can, and I am working on letting go of the need to be right all the time!’ Love it – a blueprint for being truly caring without perfection.
Love it too. I know I have this ideal or picture about what it means to care for someone, probably a rather saintly one! How refreshing to bring it back to reality and practicality without the need to be perfect accepting one’s limitations and calling for help when needed.
Same same, if we apply this recipe to ourselves as well we would all be living much more harmoniously! The grace offered is beautiful.
That little bit about ‘letting go of the need to be right all the time!’ is like a golden arrow that pins so much of what is wrong in our world to the wall.
It is very empowering when we start to truly take responsibility in how we have lived our lives .. reminding myself of this as I write!
‘I don’t agree with all his food choices, but I can feel how important it is for him to feel in control of his own health and not be imposed upon by other people’s views.’ – this is what it is to hold someone in love – to meet them for the amazing being that they are, even if their choices are not always reflecting this truth, without judgment or expectations. Allowing them the space to choose how to be themselves.
Thank you Carmel. It is so important to let someone make their own choices.. and learn from them. There is no space for anyone to grow if there is control there. Allowing them to make their own choices is a very loving thing to do. I have found this myself, with my own life and with others.
Well said – space to grow is crucial in every relationship.
Such an important point Ruth – we can impose on others our own way which impedes their own process of healing.
I know from my own experience that the reason why I often don’t like people to make their own choices is because I might go into a reaction with what they’ve chosen, which will highlight my own poor choices.
“ I also need to have no attachment to keeping him alive”, Carmel that’s a huge one and for most of us it’s impossible as we have scrubbed our memory banks of any recollection of our hundreds of previous lives and so cling desperately to life for ourselves and for others. How incredibly freeing to remember that life is one continuous thread and that every experience brings us potential learning and therefore nothing can ever truly be lost.
“Somehow I didn’t trust him and tried to control the situation”, this reminded me of my lifelong lack of trust that others will do what it is that I deem they should be doing. The antidote for me is to remember to trust in God because deep down I know he’s got it all covered.
Yes, Carmel. What I feel from your sharing is that there can be such grace in allowing another to make their own choices, while at the same time loving them to the bone and reflecting everything that is there to be shared on your journey of learning and growing together.
Holding the other with love and without imposing our ideas on him or her is a quite a practice for ourselves. I am in a situation where a family member is currently in a wheelchair. It is very tempting to ‘take over’ the care, even the control, and treat him as an invalid, whilst the most supportive gesture is to let him deal with his current disability himself. He is still who he is, just with a physical disability, and capable to make his own decisions. That’s how I relate to him and….I am learning that I will also be there for him when he falls whilst trying to walk.
This is a great example of letting another feel their own choices because if we do too much for them or get too involved, is it a case of making ourselves feel better and not really about the other person.
We don´t have to do everything by our own. It is a form of control, as we don´t trust or allow another one being in their power as well and as you beautifully shared, we don´t allow them to learn from their own experience. After reading your blog I am watching myself how often I give “advices” to my partner, instead of focussing only on my own choices and being an inspiration simply and only that way. Surrendering to the fact, that everything is cared for by heaven anyway- anytime.
Beautiful sharing Jane, and a lovely reminder for us that sometimes, maybe most times people just want to express what they are feeling (having perhaps not been able to allow themselves to do this before), and all we have to do is give them that space….
Your whole blog Carmel held my attention, I too as Lucy mentioned love you and your partner’s honesty and openness to share all that has unfolded for you both since coming together, so much learning that we can all learn from. Thankyou both so much for sharing.
It’s a great quality to express – observation and hence the allowing of space for another.
The importance of taking care of ourselves is paramount when taking care of another, as by letting this slip we cannot offer the full true love and support that the ‘cared for’ requires.
We should never underestimate another person’s ability to step up and change their life choices and if we try and control things for them, we prevent them from this opportunity to learn.
Sometimes we need to not heed someone else’s request, and not because of any disrespect to them, but if we are involved and it impacts on us negatively then it does not serve either party. Great realisation Carmel!
It can take a lot to be open to recieving help, let alone be open to asking for it! I know it has taken me a long time to be OK with this and to realise that we are all a part of the community and that what you share with another can also come back to you at some time when needed.
Having to undergo another person’s sympathy is a fairly unpleasant experience so it is a superb distinction to define Carmel. The difference between going in to sympathy and holding a truly compassionate space that allows another to come to their own conclusions via their choices and life experience is a big learning for all of us.
I love you and your partner’s honesty and willingness to share your experiences Carmel. They are absolute gold for all of us.
True care can only come from one who cares deeply for themselves first… they then have that deep honouring, respect and honesty to bring to all other relationships.
Beautifully said Paula ~ No different to saving someone who is drowing, no point in jumping in the water to drown too if you don’t know how to swim! Self care is foundational for the health of others!
An inspiring example Carmel of how we can learn from life’s lessons, allow ourselves to let go of what no longer serves us and or those around us, and live more true to ourselves – which in fact supports everyone.
So many carers and people working as care assistants/workers are exhausted by the way they provide care for others – this would be great for them to read to realise the effects of letting go of outcomes and bringing care to yourself before to others.
What’s beautiful is that one is able to view, and write about, an intimate experience like this with such openness and honesty.
Allowing someone to learn their own lessons is also a learning for ourselves, in letting go of control.
Bringing true love to caring does not leave the carer in any deficit or exhaustion. Both the carer and the receiver of care are equal as love neither over or under does what is required. It is the steady quality of what is done that is felt.
I love what you have shared here about allowing your partner to make his own choices and can feel the absolute love in this. When we tell people what to do we can often come from an arrogance of thinking we know better. Humbleness reminds us that no body is perfect. In fact, it’s not about perfection, at all.
Everything you have expressed here is life. I can never hear enough of people sharing how they move through dillemas, dramas,illness and any other curly balls that are presented to us.
So much to appreciate in a situation with so much to contend with, you have listed a huge learning curve from what life has offered you in this relationship “I am learning to be less reactive and to always respond with love, which means being truthful, not pandering, not trying to please. I’m not perfect at it by any means – it is a huge learning for me, especially the letting go of control and attachment to outcomes. I’m also learning to be less critical of myself and to appreciate the lessons that are being presented to me every day.” Amazing learning Carmel, absolutely amazing.
Respecting another’s choices can at times be very hard but is important. A great learning, Carmel.
Carmel your willingness to be honest with yourself and your partner is very inspiring here as is your willingness to really observe what is happening in your life and how you can learn from it.
Another honest and very valuable blog. Your sharings are very simple and relate-able and I feel sure support many to deepen their own self reflection and relationship with self.
Wow, Carmel in this blog you really unravel some ‘humdingers’… unpicking what it means to truly care for another, whilst looking after yourself; compared with wrapping someone up in ‘cotton wool’, being overbearing, and exhausting yourself to boot, changes the landscape completely of what it means to bring true love to caring. A learning for us all.
I have learned more about myself through caring for others than I would ever have imagined.
True love will set us free.
There’s a delicacy to caring and a balance to achieve – it helps to stand back often and observe what is needed and move from there. To move without this deeper connection, we miss the potential to respond from where the patient or client is and instead begin to serve ourselves.
Wise words Kehinde; ‘it helps to stand back often and observe what is needed and move from there’. Without investment it is easier to stand back and observe..
The title of this blog has got me wondering what caring is when it’s devoid of true love.
Gosh i am imagining here Carmel how without the consistent learning through your application of the Ageless Wisdom Teachings over the years [The Way of The Livingness] just how you would have coped with this same situation (!!) It shows how The Livingness really does hold us steady and supports us to face, to deal with life in wider understanding and perspective. What super testimony.
All carers need to read this blog whether they do it for a job, a friend or family member, as the level of care can only be determined by how well we look after ourselves first.
Life is continually offering us the opportunity to learn and grow at every age.
“I didn’t realise just how stressed I was or how much I was absorbing the energy …” This is classic of how taking on the ‘carer’s role’ can leave the carer, and this highlights how ‘bringing true love to caring’ is so much beholding of the one giving the care – neither the carer or the receiver of the care are in deficit.
How to care without imposing, that is the question which you answer with such beautiful honesty. Supporting another whilst they make their own choices and you focus on loving and appreciating yourself is an amazing place to come to, and thank you so much for sharing your intimate journey of an evolving relationship with all its life lessons.
You offer us so much in this blog Carmel that shines a new light on what it means to truly care for each other. It is so challenging not to boss someone around when we don’t agree with their choices, particularly if we think they are damaging them selves more in the process. Learning to allow space for one another to grow from our experiences is true love, extremely challenging at times but so crucial if we are to empower one another to truly know what is correct for us and our bodies as we heal the effects of our past choices. There is no right or wrong in life, just experimentation and learning.
‘There is no right or wrong in life, just experimentation and learning.’ This has been such an important lesson for me to learn, having spent most of my life trying to be a Good Girl, trying to get it right and trying to do no wrong. As a child in the Catholic Religion we regularly went to confession and even though I don’t go these days, I still find myself going through the process of Mea Culpa. It’s crazy and I love the thought that we are all STUDENTS, we are all learning and have absolutely no need to beat ourselves up for anything.
We are constellated with people around us for a reason – when I find myself in judgement of another, recently I have been realising that I am probably judging myself about the same – so when I turn the question to me I find that I often manage to let go of little things which build to be big elephants that I carry on my back.
Amazing how many elephants we carry around, Viktoria, and I am finding that when I find myself judging anyone or any group of people, when I stop and look for the lesson and appreciate them for bringing that lesson to me then the judgement evaporates.
Yes, there’s always a lesson if we’re willing to look at it, and knowing that is can be our strongest leg to stand on.
The ‘need’ for caring can present an opportunity to become very intimate with the intricate details we can personally live out when situations like this present. True caring is now becoming a deeply lived experience for you Carmel, in caring for self and in caring for others free from imposition and control. A beautiful gift.
An equally important component of caring for another is to care equally for oneself.
Very true, if we do not first care for ourselves then we cannot begin to truly care for another. And the more we care for ourselves naturally I find the more we care for others.
Or even more, especially when we need to look after others.
Yes, to keep the care relevant to the moment and not a ‘prescription’ to be repeated just because it ‘worked’ the first time – care is a livingness.
Carmel you have shared with us how you were on the receiving end of such care and rota of care when you were convalescing after an operation, what I love here is the way you have now been called to accept this support whilst you are not ‘ill’ or convalescing, but on the flip side of the coin, doing the caring. What a gift to complete this lesson on accepting the care on offer as a part of daily, ‘ordinary’ life.
It is inspiring how you deal with this situation. Just having moved to another country to live with your partner and then he develops a lung cancer and still not being desperate or devastated is huge. It shows so much about being in the moment and feeling the learning and evolution you have both. Never something is worthless even if the outcome is not as desired or expected when you see all that happens because of being together in both of you.
Great blog Carmel about such an important subject. So many carers exhaust themselves in the process of caring for others so strong is this idea of what caring means, so this blog really challenges those beliefs around what it means to care, which I love because we have a real problem with exhaustion in carers, health care staff etc, and so reviewing our ideas around care is much needed.
Thank you Carmel, learning is daring us to let go and go deeper. I like that pull up!
“Supporting someone does not mean controlling” – This is so true. When we try and control something this is not true support because we are simply behaving in a way that satisfies our own benefit in some capacity, not what’s needed for the other person.
There is no greater support we can offer to ourselves or any other than being and living the love that we are in full. In that all is taken care of and often in ways that are completely unexpected and different than we might have imagined!
Amazing that in such short time you had so many chances to observe, reflect on and reassess the way you approach relationships. At such times we can either choose to get overwhelmed, resentful and/or start feeling sorry for ourselves – yet this blog beautifully shows that we can stop and reflect on what is so beautiful and lovingly constelating for us to learn, expand and deepen our relationship with life, ourself and all others.
I have felt and still do feel, very vulnerable through the last six months, but I am well supported, am taking much more care of myself and yes, the lessons are coming in thick and fast and I appreciate my willingness to learn, to be open to seeing each situation as a reflection for me to learn from.
When we truly care for someone we allow them the space to grow and evolve in their own timing.
It is true that you cant hurry quality of life. The same goes for many things that are worth waiting for that you have nurtured and cared for without expectations, like a vegetable garden.
It feels very beautiful the way you have constellated to be together and that despite all that is happening for you both your focus is on what you can learn, how you can best support your partner, your unequivocal enjoyment in being together, and feeling the potential of what is there for you both in the relationship that you share together. ‘However long we have together in the future, it is a relationship I shall always treasure because it is constantly helping me to evolve.’
What a gorgeous lesson in the importance of asking for support. We can put pressure on ourselves to do everything on our own, or we can allow support from others no matter what anyone else may think. We are interdependent in our nature as a race of beings. It makes sense to be open to this instead of struggling on.
Love your blog Carmel, your partner must feel relieved that you are off his back and you no doubt feel relieved that you are no longer on it!!
‘I couldn’t not care, so how could I care without over-caring? Supporting someone does not mean controlling’ – As a parent, I can very much relate to this struggle. It can be very hard to stand by and watch your children make choices that you can see and feel are detrimental and dis-honouring, yet, it’s only through them having the space to learn from the consequences of their choices that they have the opportunity to consider their next choice with greater understanding and awareness, allowing them to perhaps choose differently moving forward.
We can have such an idea of what it is to care for someone or people in general however when this is challenged we learn so much more about ourselves and how to truly love and care for others.
I love how you honestly share how controlling prevents others from learning for themselves. I know with those I love dearly there is a tendency towards wanting to protect them, almost as if I feel I know what is best for them, especially if they seem to be making unloving choices. And yet who am I to judge their choices or the lessons they have to learn. I can only be there as a support and voice of wisdom but not a force as it stops them coming to their own choice about what’s right for them
I am learning each day more and more about love being a beholding energy. Having spent my life as a ‘fixer’ (https://truthaboutsergebenhayon.com/2014/10/12/all-my-life-ive-been-a-fixer/) and found it quicker to do things myself, I have since learned that people only learn from their own mistakes, i.e. from the Laws of Cause and Effect, and not from anything I might say. So, although it might take lifetimes I have to let go of my attachment to them getting it and trust that the way I live will inspire them and if it doesn’t then that’s simply the way it is.
Carmel, this feels key; ‘Supporting someone does not mean controlling: I needed to let go of control – everyone is responsible for their own choices and can learn from their consequence.’ I can feel that sometimes I go into trying to control others’ choices, thinking I know know better and that I am right and the other person is wrong. But ultimately it is the other person’s choice to make and not mine and there are lessons for the other person to learn in these choices. Thank you for sharing this Carmel.
When we really love someone we do not want to control them.
Beautifully put, Jane, the caring must be equal, we look after ourselves as much as we can otherwise we are not truly caring for another. I am learning this, we get sick because of our lifestyle choices and we are forever deepening our understanding of this fact and reflecting to each other how life can be. If I live in a disregarding way, the person I am caring for can choose to live in a disregarding way too. We lead by example, we are role models for the people we are caring for.
Bringing true love to any-thing and everything.
It can be rather awkward and difficult to feel when we have been imposing on someone’s life yet at the same time it’s fantastic because you get to see how damaging it is. Letting go of control is a great set in this.
Yes, when we are honest and acknowledge without judgment when we have been unloving, then true learning can occur.
Awkward and awesome all at the same time! I know it well and appreciate it more every time.
The situations we have no control over are the ones that serve our evolution best. I can imagine the whole situation as being very challenging- chapeau, (I tip my hat to you), how you are responding to what ever is there to be reflected on!
‘Supporting someone does not mean controlling: I needed to let go of control – everyone is responsible for their own choices and can learn from their consequences.’ Quite often when we go to support another we can lace that support with our own tensions and try to fix things. There have been times when I have felt imposed on because of this but there have been times where I have just been allowed to be with where I am at but that support has been there through quietly holding, allowing me to get there through the clarity that this type of support can bring.
Carmel, you’ve both been presented with a beautiful opportunity to evolve together. With love within and free of any expectation or attachment, releases strain and worry. What the future holds is irrelevant, the quality of your relationship with each other in the here and now is the essence.
If we are not aware, it is easy to go into sympathy for someone who is sick but then not realise that it is a poison to our bodies. Taking on other peoples stuff is common, and may I say expected part of our caring profession, as even in training we are told to have empathy and sympathy for the situations people find themselves in – otherwise, it is seen as being hard and uncaring.
It makes common sense that the quality of what we offer someone else can only be the quality we offer ourselves, but although this is easy to understand it doesn´t mean we know how to live it instantly as the ideals and beliefs we have taken on as well as our unattended and not cared for needs have their own agenda. Hence the process of healing includes the discarding of what does not naturally belong to us before we are free to express the simplicity and sense of care we can have for each other.
Great sharing Carmel, so many people in a similar situation as you can learn so much from your experience. How many carers end up ill themselves from taking on too much and not caring enough about themselves first?
This is a beautiful article, Carmel about surrendering to what is being offered in your relationship. It is timely for me to reflect on what you share as I have a tendency to be authoritative in my caring of others who can feel imposed on and judged if I am even slightly attached to their making more loving, supportive choices for themselves. True love and caring is an observation to hold others as they make their own choices and lovingly to express without sympathy, if an impulse is felt, with understanding and appreciation of the reflection each person brings.
It’s huge to be able to share what we feel without having attachment to the way our expression is received.
Really amazing lessons Carmel, to see and live what the truth of Life is which is never about attachment to this temporal world but to evolve to not be here one day.
Like a cup, until we fill ourselves up with love and care, we can’t share it with other people. Care that comes from hands that hold themselves as equally important deliver such an amazing quality
I am so very inspired by you both. That commitment to lovingly learn and evolve together is beautiful. I love your appreciation of your constellation together, knowing it is offering endless opportunities for evolution. I wonder if you had a picture of how life would be when you got to Australia because I know I had a different picture from what I’ve just read. That you are both embracing life is hugely inspiring and, in my experience, rare. But what you’re reflecting is that life can be lived in all its fullness, we never have to diminish ourselves in the face of past choices or current consequences, we can always be open to love and appreciate life in all its glory for the constellations and lessons on offer.
It seems to be the epitome of love for another, when we can let them go.
Very beautifully expressed, Jane, you outline clearly the importance of the need for equalness of care for both parties involved – the carer and the cared for.
To ensure that one’s support/care is not imposing and allowing the person we love to follow their own path can at times be very challenging. Being open and honest about this, as you are Carmel, is very inspiring – you are inspiring Carmel.
When we are caring for others it is important to know that sympathy and our needs, ideals and beliefs, are imposing on others – realising we each have our own unique path in life and letting go of outcomes allows space for the person we are caring for to make their own choices.
This blog highlights how much life offers us to learn and evolve from. If we don’t get it the first time around, we are offered the opportunity over and over again (quite often in different circumstance) until we do.
The letting go of control and attachments to outcomes is such a foundational lesson for most of us. The fact that you have exposed here that this can even creep into our beliefs about caring for one another is huge. In fact I am finding that this way of approaching things as well as affecting our relationships with others, it even stifles our own growth and development.
One of the biggest attachments I have is that when I speak about what to me feels like an absolute truth, I want other people to (a) listen and (b) get it. The fact that I get upset when they don’t is an indication of my attachment to an outcome. The lesson for me is to be able to say something and let it go. It is then everyone else’s choice to listen or not, to act or not.
When we care but impose at the same time, whom are we actually caring about?
A great question to ponder about, Alexander! Definitely not about the other person. If I want the other to be more loving or caring for themselves then it is clearly about ME and not the other, although it seems to be caring for the other. I absolutely know situations like that and in fact it is draining me having the focus all the time on the other person to seemingly “supporting” them by my smart advices. OUCH.
You could easily be on the receiving end of sympathy Carmel, when people hear your story and feel sorry that you left for Australia to live with the man you love and he turns out to be quite sick. I love and deeply appreciate your open sharing also about the steep learning curve you are in, because of the constellation with your partner, about true love.
Absolutely agree! What I love is that Carmel actually breaks consciousnesses about relationships. It is never about how long or that it is easy and pure simple to be with each other and only then it is amazing. Being confronted and accepting all the lessons that are on offer im her life right now, is probably the most amazing experience to grow for her she ever had in any relationship.
“Bringing true love to caring” is a great statement when you think about it, it sets the bar on how we perhaps should approach the caring role so the one who is doing the caring is not doing it and becoming drained or exhausted at the expense of the other … it describes the way to support another whilst at the same time ensuring you are self loving too… no one in this dynamic is less, there is an equality and a loving pull-up.
That is the point, Johanne, just because one person is sick doesn’t mean they are in any way less. They are obviously dealing with their own stuff, especially if the illness is terminal, but they still have a lot to offer by way of reflections to every person around them. Evolution is available to all of us through all our relationships.
To be loving to him, you have to be loving to yourself, is so true Carmel. It is an interesting journey from imposing what you desire to true caring to support your partner on his journey and accepting this is how it is.
Accepting the way it is has been a big part of my learning and it showed me how many expectations I had when I first came out here. At the moment I don’t really know how long we’ve got, we were told 6 – 8 months but he’s feeling so well in himself it could easily be longer. Part of my learning now is to surrender to the What Is and allow that this is all part of a greater Plan and wherever I am needed to be of service, that’s where I’ll be.
To me what you blog shows me is that we need to take care of ourselves first and by doing this we can support others, by not taking care of ourselves as you have clearly shown we become exhausted and then we have 2 sick people and not one, this is not helpful. You know the model of the community coming together to support you in times of need works because you experienced this when you were living in the UK.
It’s a great point about being aware of if we are trying to control another because we think we know what’s best for them rather than giving them the space and grace to make their own choices.
It’s a kind of arrogance thinking we know what they do or don’t need because we are not living in their body
“Giving another space to live their life” is true love. All we can do is be ourselves – our true selves.
Space=love and so giving another space is giving them the freedom to access love. What more can we possibly give another?
What a challenging situation! It really highlights the importance of making sure we all take care of ourselves as without that we don’t have much of a foundation from which we care for others.
There is so much shared here to consider, letting go control, being honest, allowing another to choose as they feel to and giving them the space to see the outcome of those choices … letting go the “I know better idea” and realising that in fact we might learn from another in how they choose, while we may disagree. This is respect, this is acceptance and being willing to see that we all learn and grow together.
Monica, you have summarised it beautifully, and I am letting go of the need to be right
I love how there’s no coincidences Carmel and how reading your reply today brought back here to remind me of what true acceptance is, that it’s a constant choice every time, and one that offers all of us a deep healing and true freedom.
Bringing truth to our approach to loving and caring for another is the ability get to self out of the way and truly feel what is empowering and evolving for the situation.
Yes I agree, Jenny, when I look back I had a kind of self satisfaction from being the helper, an identity with a role whereas, as you say, all I needed to do was to ‘get self out of the way and truly feel what is empowering and evolving for the situation’. That applies to just about any situation in life where instead of reacting to the drama, we can choose to go within and feel what to do, and then we know exactly what to say.
Learning to let go of control is a big one, as it makes us feel safe because we are in the the drivers seat, but when we do it is incredibly freeing and allows us to see the bigger picture and what is really needed.
I’m rapidly learning that here is no driver’s seat when it comes to relationships 🙂
All we can do is surrender and let God and love be in the driver’s seat.
“However long we have together in the future, it is a relationship I shall always treasure because it is constantly helping me to evolve” – Although you speak loosely of ‘the future’, the present moment-ness of this period and relationship you have Carmel is really very inspiring.
I am blown away by the comments above and how people have been affected by this blog, it goes to show that we all have lessons we are learning in life and sharing our lives with others through our expression can be inspiring and offers reflections they can learn from.
There is always something to learn from every relationship, and big or small all are equally valuable lessons.
«In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.» This is key in relationships, ~ this way we can inspire another to also make the most loving choice for themselves. I love how you took more and more responsibility for yourself in this process, what a great learning.
Thanks for sharing Carmel and as you say there is a reason you are constellated, so much to learn from each other and how precious this really is in supporting you to evolve.
Thank you, Carmel, for sharing with great humbleness the constant learning available when we open up to love.
Such a challenging situation Carmel in which to hold your own and not give in to the emotions and stress that can arise when someone dearly loved is so ill. You have given us all the opportunity to see that bringing love into care is essential if we are to offer another genuine support and empower them to feel the real effect of their choices. What an awesome lady you are.
Great blog Carmel, as you show the damaging effects of ‘sympathy’ and making yourself ‘the only one’ to care for another, how this wears you down, becomes exhausting rendering yourself un-vital to support the another. It takes a community to support each other.
When we don’t care for ourselves, we’re not offering much of a full cup to others – they get the empty dregs. Not really true care!
You are both evolving together every time you speak the truth and cut the actions that leave you exhausted and not fully with yourself. You are both amazing and incredibly inspiring that you are working through what is coming up, letting go of any expectations of what the future holds and sharing what you are learning with us all. Thank you Carmel.
This highlights that caring is a supportive offering and not an imposing control. This is a lesson we can take into any aspect of life.
The job of being a Carer here in the UK and I would guess in other countries is all about supporting others. It is one of those jobs that most would rather not do, but it must be done.
Your beautiful blog has reinforced a more recent awareness of mine that I have been trying to control others under the guise of being helpful and caring. Rather than allowing others to find their way with technology, for example, I’ve stepped in and done it for them, not allowing them to take responsibility for their own efforts or lack thereof. By so doing, I’ve limited others and burdened myself with unnecessary tasks. No more! Thank you for sharing with us your intimate path in learning a new way of caring.
Hi Narelle, yes, this is a lesson I am learning too, that while we might be quick to understand technology other people may need to take more time and it is good to not jump in but let them make mistakes so they can remember and learn. The challenge is to know when to offer support before they get frustrated and give up!
Yes there is a fine, yet very clear line between doing it for another too quickly, usually for our own reasons and offering support with ‘space’.
There is much to be learnt and appreciated about every single constellation when we can let go of our needs/ideals/pictures and embrace the multi-dimensionality of our beingness. Life becomes so much more richer for that, and we cannot do it alone.
Our constellations with others are always points of evolution. Do we explore and evolve from these relationships or pass like ships, silently in the night?
Carmel, what I have learnt from reading this blog is to allow other people to make their own choices and to not try and control these choices if I dont agree with them. I can feel that in the controlling, others do not learn their life lessons.
Such a beautiful and deeply honest sharing Carmel. I can feel how you are fully committed to this relationship no matter what and to the amazing lessons it is offering you, and your partner. In the process, I can also feel that you are allowing your partner to choose how he wants his life to be while at the same time you are still offering him the caring and the love that he is needing at this moment in time. Life lessons like this can be challenging but at the same time price-less.
Caring for another can be a joy in every moment, when we deepen the care that we offer ourselves.
What you are sharing Carmel is a great learning for us all because it is easy for us to fall in-to the depth of wallowing in our reactivity instead of bringing love to each situation.
A beautiful and wise sharing that applies to many aspects of relationships, be they with partners, children, elderly parents or professional care. Thank you for sharing what you learned – it is gold!
Oh wow what a beautiful and honest blog – this would support so many carers in similar positions – wonder if there is a carer network to share it on?
Letting go of the need to control when in the role of carer is a huge turning point. We’re there to support another to find their own way through illness, but never impose our own beliefs or anxieties on to them. Stepping back and allowing another to choose for themselves empowers both parties, and releases carer from the stress of holding on to pictures of how things should be.
Thank you Carmel for your honesty and letting us in. What you share offers us much to reflect on. We don’t know what the future holds, but one thing’s for sure, we’re never given anything we can’t handle. One insight I’ve gained from working as a carer is never to see caring as one directional: about the person who is sick. It’s as much about us, how we respond to the situation, support another and ourselves as the condition unfolds. There’s huge potential to evolve and often over time we deepen our understanding of ourselves and person we’re caring for.
Many people would be (understandably) falling apart in this situation. And yet it is clear that you are going from strength to strength. What a huge difference appreciation and responsibility makes.
Carmel, I know from my own experience of control that it is an interfering bully that stomps it’s way into peoples lives, attempting to get them to do things by force. It reduces the space that’s around people as well as the space inbetween them. I know first hand that it plays havoc with relationships and ultimately reduces the chances of achieving the outcomes that the person who’s doing the controlling is trying to achieve.
What also comes through in what you share Carmel is how we tend to see illness as ‘bad’ and a punishment somehow and look to prevent others from having it. We think caring is keeping them ‘safe from harm’ but it’s simply not true. If illness is a chance to discard what’s not loving surely we should embrace its coming. Yes it causes pain and practical difficulties but it’s not something to stress about the way that we do.
Truth is so much more a healer than sympathy.
Carmel your raw honesty, combined with your no nonsense ability to say it like it is, offer your readers the ability to really relate to what you have shared and to therefore be open to your lived wisdom. Brilliant stuff!
Carmel, I also love how you have shared that this is perfectly constellated for you too in terms of the learning. It would be easy to go into sympathy with regards to you coming from the UK not knowing all this was going to eventuate, but once again, life is not about it turning out as we expect or want, but often is exactly what we need in order to learn and grow. You are one amazing woman allowing yourself to unfold into more of your amazingness in this process – thank you for your honest and open sharing so that we can all be inspired to grow and learn too!
What a gorgeous sharing Carmel, and one so many of us can relate to in terms of wanting to be there to care for another, and yet struggling to get the balance ‘right’ without exhausting ourselves. I love how you have presented this in terms of being there for the person but not taking on board their stuff and also not going into sympathy. It is an amazing learning curve, this thing called life!
Carmel, what really stands out for me with this blog is your absolute honesty, openness and willing to change and evolve. This is deeply inspiring.
Carmel, have you considered submitting this to organisations such as Carers’ Australia? Yours is such an important story to tell, to share these experiences as I imagine for many people who are in the carers role, your experience could show them that there is another way to care of a fellow human being. One that lies responsibility firmly at each others feet, one that sees the bigger picture and where true love can flourish.
Great idea Sarah, this would be enormously supportive for carers to read and I’m sure so many would relate with feeling exhausted but not sure of how to change it. I’ve found this blog valuable with being a parent and seeing how I can impose?believing I’m being caring.
Thank you Carmel, I am deeply inspired and moved by your words. I feel the love and man o man, can we learn from what you have shared here and from your relationship.
It is a great learning that comes with caring for someone, a process of healing and unfoldment for both, both being responsible and active in that regard just the same. Too often we find ourselves in roles, ideal, beliefs and expectations we put on ourselves and others, but it is a chance to get aware of what otherwise may not ever come to the fore and thus moving us unconsciously to our own and everyone´s detriment.
What I am learning too is any ounce of control or imposition from me, my husband immediately senses – there is no getting away! This way of being is extremely abusive not just to him but to myself which has left me feeling drained, exhausted and needy. Life is so much more freeing and expansive when we are left and held to make our own choices and decisions in life, this way we are more likely to see and become aware of what we are to master in life.
I could feel in your writing how much you surrendered to loving and caring without imposition, your partner is super blessed to have you as his love as he comes to the final stage of this life imagine all the love without need or imposition he will incarnate too next life.
Beautifully said Elizabeth I feel it is definitely not always easy to see something as an opportunity to truly learn from and deepen our self-awareness and relationship with others but when we do this the healing can be tangibly felt. I can feel here Carmel has offered myself and all other readers, in her vulnerability and openness, the opportunity to feel with and be in our heart more. It’s a blessing.
Every carer and care system in the world could benefit from reading this blog to be aware of the harmful effects of sympathy and running themselves into the ground in exhaustion ‘trying’ to fix people that simply require truly loving support with their own choices being honoured.
I can certainly understand the feeling of attachment to something or someone that I dont want to let go of. I have a picture or idea I am attached and invested in, and I then try and control life to meet that, rather than being able to let go and allow life to be. I have found that in letting go is the true care, the truth love – in letting go there is the space to let others change, grow and life to be as it should rather than how we think it should be.
I can feel from your expression Carmel what a huge learning this is for you and I can also feel that you are allowing yourself to let go of control and open to more love, for yourself and your partner. When we are able to stay present and not focus on outcomes so much changes for us – we have space then to bring true love to caring.
No matter the circumstances any reaction and hence anything void of love is not beneficial for anyone.
“Bringing True Love to Caring’ is key for all relationships. The best place to start is being true and deepening love with ourselves, then we un-reservingly bring this to others.
That model of niceties and pleasantries which ends up having me feel suffocated and resentful (and from your blog doesn’t do any favours to the other person either) was for years what I thought making a relationship work was about! Thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that offered the space and support to start to re-assessing so much of what we can deep down tell is not working.
Your humbleness about the lessons to learn and your openness in sharing this, reveals that there really is no wrong or right, just a dis-covering of the patterns we have long held.
I love this example of how a relationship, no matter what is in store for it, is a being together that you both learn from, grow and evolve in, and without the love you describe Carmel, would not be possible.
How often do we impose our own views and opinions on others in the belief we are doing good when the reality is we are pushing them further away from making their own loving choices?
Love the ‘realness’ of your post Carmel. Thanks for sharing so openly.
Thanks for sharing what is a life lesson for you and your partner and as you say it is no coincidence that you are in this particular relationship with him as you both have life lessons to learn.
I love your openness and rawness to your situation that both Nick and you have found yourself in and the great realisations you are both receiving from Nick’s illness. We never know what life has planned for us but staying open and willing to learn without attachments or expectations allows us to appreciate what is being offered to us, lovingly and without reaction, or feeling you are both victims of circumstance, but a relationship constellated for you to both grow and evolve. Thank you for sharing Carmel we can all learn about being controlling and not allowing another to come to what they need to learn for themselves…..it is one I am learning daily.
‘In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.’ – This is such an important point, it should be taught in every home, school and workplace.
Letting go of the need to be right is a massive one, but when we do – when we allow others to make their own choices, in their own time -it is so freeing for us and them. It actually allows more space for the relationship to evolve, as we get to see what our own needs were and why we feel so attached to needing to be right- when really it’s about choices, consequences and learning.
What you speak to here Carmel is truly letting go, even to the level of wanting to keep another alive, and that is something which is big for all of us. We often look on those close to us and consider we’re taking care and being caring but often in that care we’re doing it our way … it takes awareness and courage to step back and support someone in how they need and let me decide that, but that’s how we all learn. Big hug to you both as you explore this together.
Great exploration of the meaning and practicalities of what it truly means to care for another. I always find myself coming back to the fact that if I’m not taking care of myself then I’m not able to offer true care to another. I used to find that whenever work got busier than I was comfortable with- i.e. beyond my self imposed limits – then self care would be pretty quickly abandoned, as I tried and fought harder to manage and control the stress and demands. But working in this way leaves us empty, resentful and ill over the long term. Self care doesn’t mean not doing anything, but being aware of the quality that we do things in and not compromising on the basics of looking after ourselves.
” if I’m not taking care of myself then I’m not able to offer true care to another.” this is the essence Bryony. However ill another is, the level of care we give ourselves must be equal to what we give another, otherwise we become ill ourselves, or depleted and unable to support them fully.
What a learning Carmel, amazing to read and there is so much in it for us all as caring for someone who is ill takes a lot of the ones around the so called ‘patient’. In truth no one needs or wants to be treated as such, and anything we impose on them, or judge or have sympathy with is not going to help them to be honest and or evolve during the process. Being a caregiver, maybe the word is already not true, asks us always to up the care we have for ourselves so we don’t get caught in over caring for the other.
I can certainly relate to what you wrote above, Carmel, about discovering in a relationship where the control and investments are and the opportunity to let go of them. Who am I to think I know what my partner needs and give him unasked advice? I learned how my partner and I sometimes take different routes to get somewhere and both work. A big learning for me to accept someone else’s choices.
Beautifully said Monica…and as it is we have not grown up in their shoes, we have not experienced what they have experienced, we have not made the choices they have made, and so it makes sense for us to honour their space and not step in to control or have investments about any outcomes. And yet at the same time it is for us to love them, hold them with our hearts, and always stay open to the learning that goes both ways – this too is something I am learning to do on a daily basis – to care deeply but not to smother or go into sympathy!
Yes, Henrietta, and what I learned with my partner I practice on all other people around me. It gives to much more space for each of us to grow and be loved. And I agree that smothering or going into sympathy is the exact opposite.
Moved to tears reading this today, thank you Carmel for your open, honest, humble, heart-warming, inspiring sharing of your and your partner’s life at the moment. You have given the reader much to ponder on.
The lessons we have available to us from other people can feel the steepest when we refuse to budge from our identification of ‘being right’ or arrogance of ‘knowing what’s best’ but when these break down the learning curve isn’t as steep. We choose to make the lesson simple or repetitive.
I love what you described here Carmel about giving your partner space to just be who he is. This is the only way that relationships can work.
It should go without saying that we allow another to be just who they are, but because most of us are brought up to have demands and expectations, not only of ourselves but also of others, we need to re-learn this natural quality in ourselves.
What a great learning. Being on this journey together enables so much healing to take place and allows a gorgeous deepening of awareness. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Carmel. A huge learning for all of us to be able to find the balance of expressing our care and concern without imposing on each other. Learning to appreciate the growth and evolution on offer through the relationship is vital as we learn to give each other space to really understand the effect of our choices both on each other and our selves. You have restored to us the importance of really taking care of our selves through these times when those we are close to need our help. In truth we can never shoulder the responsibility of another person’s choices, all we can do is care deeply for our own so that when needed, we can be there in full for each other.
Carmel this is such an inspiring read. There is uncertainty, yes, but in the uncertainty, there is still love, appreciation and purpose. For so many, the situation you find yourself in would be overwhelming, to say the least, but in exposing the learning this situation is offering – no matter how challenging – it is supportive for others, including me, to look at areas in our own lives that are difficult but to meet them in love, appreciation and purpose too. Thanks, Carmel for being the awesome woman that you are!
Wow. Thank you for your openness and honesty. Very humbling and an inspirational reflection of beholding love.
Wow, Carmel, you certainly have learned a lot over there in Australia! Thank you for sharing the details of your unfolding journey with how to care and offer a beholding love to yourself and your partner.
Thank you for sharing Carmel, it sounds like you and your partner have had a lifetime of lessons in such a short space of time but like you have mentioned this was all constellated for a reason and there are no accidents.
Caring for someone without love for ourselves is like swimming against the tide as well – polar opposites
In another blog on a different site, someone posted regarding a Mother of the Year competition in Australia. The criteria it seems for winning the competition is how selfless/self-sacrificing you are. In this self-sacrifice there must surely be some latent frustration, bitterness or resentment at not figuring important enough to take care of/nurture yourself or be nurtured in turn. We can say we tick all the boxes and do all the right things but what is the quality of care that comes from someone who is not at ease with themselves or has given up on themselves?
“In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.” So true Carmel. Who cares for the carers? was a phrase I heard long ago as a Health Visitor. How can one truly care for another if one is exhausted oneself? There are thousands of carers in the UK who never get much respite. The topic of self care has become a buzz word in the health service – but how deep does it really go?
This really brings home the fact that we can’t care or look after anyone properly if we don’t look after ourselves first. Oh sure we may get everything done that we need to but at the expense of the quality and the further detriment of our own health.
This is a beautiful sharing Carmel, it really cements the importance of expressing so not only can we learn from your experience we can also offer you or someone in a similar situation assistance if they need it, for no one can do it all in your situation without it being harmful to their own health.
A practical lesson in true care that builds the foundation of love that you share.
You have dissected the journey we take by getting hooked on emotion and the enviable exhaustions that follow. No man is an island, and yours has really, sailed to many. Being present in love is always felt and never imposing on any journey into the unknown.
This is an amazing journey to be on; learning to love someone with no attachments to an end point and releasing all control over the situation.
These times are challenging for carers, families and patients themselves and one where carers can become unwell themselves. Being open to to look at how you are in a caring role to consider your own well-being equally as your partner is huge as is the openness to how you are approaching all that is coming up in your relationship.
The honesty with which you share with is very humbling and incredibly powerful, Carmel.
“There may be choices he makes that I disagree with, but it is always his call. I can express what I feel, but I need to have absolutely no attachment to whether he listens or not. I also need to have no attachment to keeping him alive.” – so true, yet in practice I feel I would find this very challenging.
The timing of reading this blog is interesting as I have noticed myself getting into reaction this week to people who don’t seem to care enough about others or how their actions are negatively affecting others. But what Carmel described here was great to feel, as it showed just how imposing it can be to actually ‘care’ too much and try to manipulate situations in order feel good about helping others when in fact you are not even truly caring for yourself.
You raise a very vaild point to consider – when we care, are we in truth controlling the situation or person so it remains within what we can handle or understand? Do we want someone or something to be a certain way, or do we feel we know best and try and push that on others? We can get so caught in wanting to care that we step into over doing it
Wow Carmel, this is a beautiful sharing. Letting go of control, needing to be right or attachments to outcomes supports us and the people around us immensely. The example you shared on giving your partner space to make his own choices is very loving.
This is beautiful Carmel.. You certainly have constellated to be together at this point in time for you both, not just for your own healing and unfolding but for powerful lessons to reflect to us all. You’ve just shared one of them with us here.
This is a very real and practical example Carmel of all the ideals and beliefs we can have around what it means to ‘care’ and to ‘love’ … thank you for sharing.
How life constellates is always perfect for where we are at and what we need to learn, grow and evolve at that time – I love this, it is so magical and so very inspiring.
In reading this it highlights that the person who is looking after someone who is ill, equally needs support. To be able to share how they feel but also just practical support to deal with the extra demands and pressures and to feel held.
Yes it is a challenge to discern the difference between caring because we want to be helpful (our own need) and doing what is there to be done i.e. giving the support they need in a way that maintains their dignity
A willingness to share pure honesty like this, offers true awareness and understanding.
It is a very humbling moment when we realise we cannot learn another lesson’s for them. Sympathy does not grow us but true support does. It allows us to open our hearts back up to the world and each other and to let go of the stubborn pride that says we have to ‘go it alone’. We are not designed to be isolated units, we are designed to co-exist and co-operate with each other, but not only that, we are also designed to go much deeper than this and co-create – that is, breathe as One. All units of expression working in complete harmony with each other. If one goes down, the others move in to support. It is our divine design to work this way and a rejection of this is a rejection of our innate divinity and thus the divinity of all others. Learning how to bring true caring and understanding without letting our need, emotions or sympathy get in the way is a valuable step for us all on our path back to true love. This is a gorgeous sharing Carmel – so honest, humble and transparent. A gift for us all, thank you.
‘It is a very humbling moment when we realise we cannot learn another lesson’s for them.’ – Very well said Liane and something for all of us to ponder deeply.
Beautiful Liane, learning to truly support one another knowing we are all interdependent, on our way back to being one and that to resist this is simply resisting our own divinity.
We can’t bend over backwards and destroy our body in order to support another, but can instead look after ourselves and simply expand that same quality and care… love yourself first and the rest is much easier.
It is lovely how you are learning to allow your partner to make his choices and supporting him at the same time, even though his choices may be different from yours. Learning to care and support without imposing is a real test of your beholding Love.
Thank you for sharing Carmel, somethign that stands out for me is when you say ‘In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself. ‘ That is so very true and something I know I need to take more note of!
This is wonderfull Carmel, it can be difficult to be honest on how one use’s other peoples illness as an excuse to negate themselves.
I love the honesty in this article. It is so easy to go into thinking we know what is best for another. But to truly allow another their choices is much more true, as it also allows ourselves to stay steady with our own choices. We are less likely to pander to another’s wants. Because no matter how much we may want to live a certain way, while we are wanting to control another’s choices, we are constantly at odds with our own choices, making them from also a need to control rather than from an honouring of what we feel to choose.
‘I couldn’t not care, so how could I care without over-caring?’ – This is such a great question Carmel – we are made to naturally care and most of us have learnt to point that care outwards, so we tend to forget to care about ourselves and instead put the whole focus on the ‘patient’, even to the point they don’t want it.
As we move and live with more awareness and delicateness, it is that touch that comes through our hands and fingers as we support another.
Thank you Carmel for your openness and honest sharing here, I can relate to much of what you have written. Caring for others, especially if they are unwell, definitely holds many challenges. It can be very difficult to stand by and watch others and the choices they make for themselves, but as you have shared part of love is giving people the space to do as they feel and to be responsible for the consequences – good and not so good. And so vital for carers to take loving care of themselves when another is unwell. It can be too easy to get caught up in the other person’s situation and forget to take care of ourselves.
Beautiful sharing Carmel – I am so glad you and your partner chose to be together and share this here. Too often all we see about relationships are pleasantries and people living out ideals – what you describe here are to me, the nuts and bolts of learning how to Love. So much of what we call ‘care’ is really just us wanting to feel more comfortable and that’s not it.
‘the nuts and bolts of learning how to Love’ – How true, we take it for granted that we know how to love, but do we bring true love to every situation?
Ha! Yes, I was warned about being ‘in comfort’ just before I came over here and it was great to have that reflection because being ‘nice’ and holding back for the sake of keeping the peace don’t work, I end up being resentful and then angry and that is not in any way loving because I react and create a dramatic scene which is draining, exhausting and takes me days to recover! Not to mention the food I eat to stuff the uncomfortable feelings back down and the impact that has on my body.
Beautifully expressed, Joseph, and I totally agree. What Carmel has shared is extremely intimate with no hint for wanting sympathy just this is what it is with profound insights of learning how to love.
I love this Joseph. Thank you for this comment. You have certainly busted through a consciousness here with clarity and wisdom. I am feeling the learning here deeply pondering on how I have bastardised the concept of care myself in a lack of honesty. I know I have a lot to learn about the ‘nuts and bolts of love’ and am feeling humbled, but this blog and your comment have left me feeling more open to being more honest in feeling a rawness to what this actually means.
Being willing to share in such ‘rawness’, I dare to ask, is this the true essence of intimacy?
What a powerful load of insights here. Invaluable. Thank you for sharing them.
An inspiring blog Carmel sharing the many opportunities presented for us to learn life lessons – including non investment in outcomes, respecting others choices and nurturing ourselves deeply.
Yes, unless we care for ourselves and honour what is true for us we are not able to truly care for others.
Controlling the people around us is effectively communicating that they’re not good enough.
I am sure many carers can appreciate the reflection offered in your blog Carmel as taking care of someone without having any investments, without imposing our views and without fearing possible outcomes is a very difficult thing to do and requires a lot of love. It is for this reasons that all who care should know deeply that their own selfcare comes first as this determines the love in the care we provide to others.
Often we don’t realise the attachments and investments we have until they are reflected back to us by our true friends, we are so wanting to feel loved, not realising it comes from within, not from outside.
Yes, and also because we still champion in this world that care for others should come before ourselves. I know I used to say making others happy made me happy, but all that was was filling the emptiness inside and leaving me needy to care for others to have that sense of self worth.
This is beautiful Carmel and so openly shared thank you. There is a lot of wisdom in how you are approaching the situation, to understand you can’t do it all and to accept other people’s choices and to observe instead of react. I mean we can’t really feel true love when we are controlling or reacting even though we might think we can only love when the situation is perfect. You show how you can be love in any situation, it is only our own choices that can change this.
I love that, Lieke, ‘you can be love in any situation’ and yes, asking for help is being self loving – independence is not brotherhood as Gayle Cue has recently written about https://www.gaylecue.com/blog/there-is-no-brotherhood-in-self-sufficiency
Amazing Carmel the learning of what true caring is and letting go of controlling life is big and effects so many of us and our health . This is very supportive and offers a real truth to live by and see the importance of taking care of oneself whatever else is happening around us holding steady and consistently being love is what we are here to bring and reflect to others.
‘us holding steady and consistently being love is what we are here to bring and reflect to others’ these are beautiful words, yes I agree, Tricia
Beautiful how you embrace the purpose of your relationship together Carmel, as many in your situation would see it as a drama and waste in one way or another. For you both to be on such a steep learning curve and to embrace that your relationship is about deepening your love together and letting go of all patterns that come up along the way is a great reflection.
Absolutely beautiful Carmel, what a lot of learning in a short space of time! Perfect really when evolution is your purpose. Inspired deeply by how much you are leading the way!
Yes, it’s pretty intense, but very beautiful
Wonderful Carmel! Love the simplicity and the utter truth that is the fact that no matter what the circumstances your relationship has occurred for a reason and there are always opportunities to grow, deepen and expand your love together.
It’s true Joshua, we often have an idealised picture of how life and relationships are supposed to be, and when they aren’t we can experience sympathy or sadness, but the way it is exactly as it is offers an amazing richness of evolution if we are open to it and the learning on offer.
I am learning so much, in fact we are learning from each other, and yes, it feels like a true constellation. My whole body knew I had to be here with him. Life has its ups and downs because we have lived very different lifestyles, but he is very loving and I am learning to be more tender and to let love in. I am also learning to feel and express what I feel, having dismissed my feelings as being of no value all of my life.
I agree Joshua. This is an inspiring blog and I can feel the deep appreciation from Carmel for her relationship and for embracing these opportunities to learn and grow.
Carmel – what a blog. I have a family member with a similar lung condition, and I can very easily get caught in the sympathy and sadness of it all – choosing to forget that their condition is a sum of this life and past life choices and that by me living in a way that allows more love in is actually the foundation to what supports them in full. So it seems we all learn in these types of relationships, for whatever time that mey be and even the time after they have passed. A constant growing and expanding and honouring of each other.
Sympathy is such a killer and it really helps to understand that everybody is where they are as a result of all the choices they themselves have made. No-one is to blame, no illness is an accident or bad luck. It is simple cause and effect. It’s not about pointing the finger either, lessons are there to be learned and we need to be understanding of where everybody is at, not everybody sees life the same way we do so our reading and understanding is key to offering loving support. I have been very judgemental in the past and am now learning to let that go.
It can be an easy slide into sympathy for another, even when it does not seem so obvious. But it feels important to observe the effect that this emotion has on our own bodies.
Deeply heart felt Carmel, your openness in sharing with what is going on for you right now is deeply touching.
There is so much learning you share with us all in this blog and your honesty offers us all a stop and a reflection point.
I would love this to be placed in every ward in every hospital around the world – to remind us the importance of looking after ourselves. “In order to be loving with him, I know that I have to be loving with myself.”
I agree Sam, self care and loving ourselves would make such a difference to our health, it could prevent us becoming patients in the first place if we took more care of ourselves. It also applies to our nurses and to anybody at work.
Letting each other be and giving each other the space to make our own choices is, I’m learning, absolutely key to any relationship. Anything else is imposing and therefore cannot be loving.
I agree, Lucy, all relationships, but especially partnerships, can be great places for learning, rather like an intense therapy session in which all our issues and past hurts come up for us to address and let go. I have learned so much over the last year. Giving space for each of us to deal with our reactions is one lesson. I know now that when I react it is a past hurt I am reacting to and something I can now choose to let go of.
This is very humbling to read .. your process or learning and unfolding with your yourself and your partner. I love your honesty.
In relationships what we may consider best for us at a given moment may not necessarily be good for us, but we have to learn this first hand instead of just accepting that it is not it because someone else has said so. We will not find someone that thinks, acts, reasons like we do and it is to no avail trying to control how another one have to think, act and reason.
Learning to trust our own inner wisdom, knowing that life presents us with all the lessons we need through its reflections
Giving space IS the ultimate form of love.
Yes and giving space includes allowing people to make their own choices in full so they can discover for themselves what supports and what doesn’t. Saying anything against what they are doing might set up a reaction that we then have to deal with, but at the same time, we mustn’t hold back from expressing our own truth. So it’s not about judging but allowing and expressing.
Yes, and who says we know what is best for the other? We can offer but never impose. There is often a much bigger picture at play.
Thank you Carmel, it was lovely to read your story. I can totally relate to what you have shared here about over-caring because this is something that I too had to stop doing as it was literally killing me. I came to realize that we only ever over-care when we do not value ourselves and what we bring to another.
Beautiful comment, Elizabeth, it is sometimes like looking in the mirror when another is not truly caring for themselves and I would love to compensate by overdoing it, to stop the unsettling feelings inside. When I value myself and what I bring to another I simply can’t overdue it.
So very true when we do that over-caring thing it is not caring at all it is abuse in the name of care which is much worse than not caring at all, because the other feels the awfulness and imposition of it and then if not aware of the truth of what is happening, feels guilty for reacting to it and everyone gets all entangled and so it goes on!
Thank you Carmel for sharing all that you have observed, learnt and are learning with this. I think it’s great how you’re seeing the opportunities to understand yourself, your partner and others on a deeper level rather than just see it as something negative.