Over the last couple of months I have been dealing with a situation at work that recently began to intensify over a two-week period. Except for a chat with a good friend, I hadn’t spoken of this situation with anyone as I felt there was something significant going on and that going into conversation about it would draw me away from what this teaching was bringing for me.
I felt I had to stay focussed on the energy at play without diluting it and so creating a distraction.
It all came to a head quite suddenly, and I got smashed. Instead of staying with the bigger picture and observing as I had been doing, I was taking on everything coming at me. I felt my body going into the familiar ‘fight or flight’ mode with no escape – my reaction was instant and in-built, leaving no room for handling the situation in any other way. This in turn sent me into feeling the victim because that was my old accustomed pattern.
Since then however, I have noted that there was something different about the old pattern – about me, about the way in which I held myself in this oh so familiar energy of attack – that didn’t feel right anymore. It was as if a small part of my body had sidestepped the force of the attack and had not gone into immediate self-defence. I felt this in the way my body did not collapse in on itself as it were, allowing the energy to wreak its havoc; my whole body did not succumb and cower.
And, profoundly, I did not match the energy coming at me with a reaction of my own version of attack, as I would have done in the past.
I felt how I didn’t absorb the attack as deeply and, as I was going through the attack, I was present enough to understand that I was choosing to absorb the situation and the negative energy and not simply observe it.
As it blew over, I was able to extricate myself from the effects much quicker and so come back to myself, back to my centre, in a shorter period of time.
After I had spent a few days picking myself up off the floor, coming out of my stupor and recovering myself, there was space to allow for reflection, understanding, and moving back into the bigger picture.
Preparing for my forthcoming meeting with the company MD (managing director) and still holding on to the last vestiges of victimhood, I had composed in advance my list of all the points I wanted to make. These points clearly showed me in the better, ‘right’ light and my manager in the opposite.
Having made my list, I met with the MD without it.
In the lead up to our meeting, I had felt myself move into a space of clarity and grace, and as we met I had a deep understanding of why I did not need my list.
Words at this point were obsolete. All that mattered was the energy. I didn’t need to try to explain or get anyone on my side. The energy of the interaction between my manager and myself ‘spoke’ for itself and I simply needed to let it be felt.
I had an expansive knowing that not only could I feel the energy of what had taken place, but that everyone else could too. There was no need to go back into that energy and try to protect and justify myself. Very few words were needed and it was one of the most healing interactions I have ever experienced.
In that moment, coming to this realisation allowed me to step across the threshold from being a victim to being a woman who sees I have another choice: a woman who sees I have the choice of remaining the victim or of stepping into my true power and taking responsibility for my choices in the past that have brought me to this point. That, moment by moment, I have the option to choose again and to perhaps, this time, choose differently.
I was on my usual weekend walk along the river this morning, feeling, enjoying and appreciating the love and clarity that I had gained from this experience. In doing so, I was opening up space… space for an even greater healing to take place – the healing of the energy of terror.
The terror that I had taken on and stored in my body as a child every time I went through a similar confrontation with my mother.
Years and years and years of it.
You see, these energetic attacks, such as the one I recently experienced, were no stranger to me – I had been on the receiving end of such attacks since early childhood when an attack from a person of authority would come unexpected, uninvited and seemingly out of the blue. The coping mechanism I had developed in childhood as a means of survival I carried with me into adulthood.
As a victim, I was always on the back foot, always in protective mode… fighting these energies of attack with my own version of attacking back and so unwittingly leaving myself open to more attack.
Encountering this energetic attack at work brought to the surface the terrifying tension I lived with throughout my childhood, of never knowing when a similar attack would come, or from where.
As I walked I allowed myself to feel the full weight of this terror in my body, how destructive it had been and the layers of protection I had built to try to protect myself from it.
I also allowed myself to feel the lifetime(s) when I had inflicted this energy of terror on others. I was able to observe myself feeling this two-sided terror in such a way that it did not cripple me; it did not draw a single tear. Just an awe of the enormity of it and the many layers of how it had taken hold.
I felt both how my body had had to adapt in an unnatural way to store this energy, and the exhausting amount of energy it took to keep it there.
And I chose on my walk this morning to let the energy of terror go. (It was a very long walk!)
I could feel my body changing as I released this energy of terror. I could feel the appreciation of every single cell in my body for my decision to finally free each cell from the grip this energy of terror had had on them all these years.
This was felt in a joyous tingling, a lightly flowing current of movement throughout my whole body, like my cells were dancing in all the space that was opening up for them.
A miracle happened on my walk this morning – a miracle that could take place through the grace and support I have found in being a student of The Way of The Livingness.
The way I now live, based on the teachings of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon’s presentations on The Way of The Livingness, supported me to observe, to feel and to finally let go of an intimidating energy that had held me in its grip for my entire life.
B.E. – Seeker of Truth, worldly woman, student extraordinaire of The Way of The Livingness