What’s In A Hug?

What’s in a hug?

I hugged someone yesterday. It was the man I was in a relationship with a year ago. Coming full circle after our split, we are now in the position where we feel we can hug knowing that’s all it will be.

A year ago I was deep in the depths of this relationship. Masked by a connection that was deep and timeless and very lovely, we were blind to the fact that the nature of our relationship was actually based on need and not true love.

As I held him yesterday I could feel the dynamics between us and I could feel with clarity what I had fallen into when we first entered into the relationship. Hugging him yesterday I could feel how far I have come since we split, and the fact that I now have the ability to observe without reacting in the old way.

What I could feel as I held him was the hardness and protection in his chest. It was like a coat of armour. Underneath this I could feel the seeking for true connection. In that moment, I was aware of the vulnerability of us all, and how this is often not cherished or encouraged. He reveled in the tenderness of the hug, and I could feel that he did not want it to end.

What I did when I first met him was to respond in kind. Thrilled to have the attention and the affection on offer and excited by a new relationship, I responded to his need with my need and jumped straight into physical intimacy without actually stopping to explore the dynamics at play. This only led to the gradual disintegration of everything I had previously built up for myself in my life. It meant giving myself away, ignoring my inner wisdom, and without claiming and expressing what I knew to be true, simply getting lost in a pit of neediness, not wanting the hugs or physical intimacy to ever end.

Of course, this is not the way to true love. We cannot find what we are looking for from someone else. I knew this when I met him, but fell into it anyway, exposing a pattern that had yet to be healed. In this there was no respect for either of us, just an allowing of a momentum to run unchecked. I knew I had to end the relationship and cut the momentum… not at all easy at the time.

Exposing this pattern has been extremely valuable and has opened the way for greater awareness, a great deal of healing, and a new and very strong claiming of myself. Coming back to a platform of honesty and care in my own life is helping me to re-build my foundation, and I’m working once more on bringing love into my own life through the tenderness, love and care I can give to myself. Without this as a foundation, I do not have anything to share with anyone else.

Within the hug that we shared yesterday I appreciated the fact that I can now hold myself with whomever I am with, supported by the foundation I have re-built in my life. I am now free to truly love others in a way that I previously did not. With the honesty and awareness that I am now choosing to bring, I can hold myself and others in love – observe, and bring truth.

Our relationship is truer than it has ever been. There is more love than there has ever been. Yes, the need is still there, but we don’t need to act on it. We are free to respect and appreciate each other as we are, avoiding the bottomless pit and instead choosing a platform of love.

What’s in a hug? Oh so very much…

Inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, whose teachings have brought clarity to my life and relationships.

By Anonymous

Related Reading:
Relationship Advice
Living harmoniously with your partner 24/7
From Hardness to Heartfelt – Hugs with My Dad

718 thoughts on “What’s In A Hug?

  1. The moment hugs, physical intimacy becomes exciting or hooking, it stands out as something special. What if being in a love relationship means, that cooking together, looking in each others eyes, cleaning whilst the other does study etc. is exactly the same, only a different expression? It takes away the excitement and exclusiveness from making love physically, as it is all the same energetically.

    1. Well said Stefanie – with any excitement it distracts from what is our core essence and hence is not something that truly unites but in fact leads to that individuality or separation.

    1. Absolutely and it reflects immediately if we are open the same way.The moment we offer openness in love, we are the greatest mirror. The moment we move in contraction no one around us gets the chance to feel, how much they are expressing in their own love or not.

  2. There is so much to learn in a hug isn’t there… what is interesting for me is how now, when people hug too hard, or grab you around the neck, I just asked them to be gentle… It’s always an interesting moment 🙂

    1. It’s interesting how most men think they need to be hard – including in hugs and hand shakes – rather than embracing their tender nature.

      1. The man’s act of shaking a hand when giving a one arm bear hug whilst slapping the back feels ancient and arcane. A greeting between warriors before battle or living in the past?

  3. Allowing ourself to simply observe what is going on with us opens us up to see more instead of being only caught up in the emotion. This then brings understanding and more love into our life which in return enables us to make different choices, step by step.

    1. There’s very little that interferes with our ability to feel and see the truth more than emotion. The effect of emotions are the same as waves in a millpond when you’re trying to see your own reflection, everything gets distorted.

  4. Is it possible that our true constellated relationships are not actually meant to be comfortable at all but rather more like ‘a new assignment by God’ for you both to learn the next level of unfoldment together and can present more like a challenge instead. What matters is the connection within the inner essence, an inner knowing, not the outer stuff of life at all, that’s just the detail.

  5. Such an honest article, thank you for sharing. Given that most of us have “gaps” you might say where we are not living our fullness, I can see how easy it can be to fall for another who seemingly fills our gaps, our needs our insecurities or a search for safety, and end up as you say selling out on what we have come back to already or our true path going forward.

  6. You are so brave, and wise, and even though the lesson must have been a tough one, you are beautiful in how you have taken that learning and re-built your life.

  7. Reading this again today it occurred to me that because we are not confirmed in our qualities as we grow we don’t really know what we bring to life, so we may look for confirmation and love in others because we can feel so empty. It’s an enormous learning shared here and something relevant to so many of us.

  8. There is so much in a hug, in fact there is so much in any kind of touch, in truth we know when someone touches us what is their intention, we feel if there is any holding back or resistance, we feel if there is any alternative motive.

  9. I can very much relate to what you’ve shared. I remember excitement when I met men that I could feel that yearning to be tender and loved was there and that I would be needed and loved for being the one who could deliver this. In this I completely negated my loveliness and loveableness just for being me, and in him too and enabled a co-dependant relationship to prosper. So it’s with great appreciation that I read, ‘I am now free to truly love others in a way that I previously did not. With the honesty and awareness that I am now choosing to bring, I can hold myself and others in love – observe, and bring truth.’ as I know this is where I am returning to.

    1. It’s a brilliant comment Karin that we can negate people from being the love and power they are within by being a “I am needed” version of emotional love for them.

  10. It’s great you chose to remain open and not guarded when you felt you ex partner was. Most of us react to the protection of another by protecting ourselves too and this gets us nowhere!

    1. This is so true but great to be aware of. I know I’ve anticipated the protection in another and felt how this has frightened me in the past with their behaviour (‘humour’ aimed at me for example) and prepared myself by connecting deeply, knowing I am love and choosing to stay open even if it meant my hurts would be exposed and I could cry and show my vulnerability. What happened with one person with whom I did this was that they, after initially trying to bait me as in the past, me holding steady and seeing their vulnerability and loving them, they could let their guard down and be their tender self.

      1. Very cool Karin…. I remember when someone was mocking someone I love dearly who was having a hard time in the press I simply shared how sad it was, and it completely stopped the mocking l, nothing else was said but I shared how I truly felt about it and without protection or reaction the other person couldn’t carry on.

  11. Building our foundations through learning what it is to deeply care for ourselves – learning to say no, being able to express honestly how we feel, respecting and honouring our bodies.. all of this supports us to stay steady in our relationships and in life, and to know and be more of who we are, without needing anything from outside of us to recognise us for it.

  12. Amazing depth of understanding and love for yourself and your friend. A new marker for how the growth offered in breaking up a intimate relationship can be.

  13. Being hugged by someone who’s heart is closed and whose body is in protection can be an uncomfortable experience. Sharing a hug with someone who is open, loving and present is a beautiful thing.

    1. It can be quite a shock to the body when it’s met with what can feel like a brick wall! I am learning to not then go into protection myself but to stay with love and bringing more open loving understanding.

      1. Yes, being hugged by a brick wall does sum it up well, Vanessa and it can be a bit of a shock… sometimes it can actually be painful. But the trick is to keep my heart open and not put up my own wall of protection.

  14. A hug given with love lasts, it comes with me to the next moment and the next, there is a warmth that I carry which feels so precious.

  15. Our bodies can never actually hide what we are choosing every day – whether it’s the way we stand, the angles of our body, the way we walk, or the hardness or softness in our arms and chest – nothing can be hidden if you take the time to really observe.

      1. Yeh I love that – imagine if we did consider our bodies under a scale of hardness – we might think twice about the way we move and take care of ourselves.

  16. I love impromptu shows of affection, tonight I gave a kiss on the cheek each to some colleagues, we had worked well as a team, and developed our connection and in gratitude without thinking I gave them all a kiss.
    I love when we can be spontaneous, there is so much said in not holding back and allowing our love out.

    1. I love this because it breaks down the barriers that we think we can only be upright and “professional” with work colleagues and so we can easily create a duel life for ourselves where we hold back our love at work. Crazy when the world needs love every minute of the day.

  17. No matter whats going on and taking place the minute you have a hug with someone that is connected to the Love they are, that we all are you are reminded of our absolute beauty and it is simply adorable.

  18. There can be a lot ion a hug that we would rather not be aware of – neediness, sexual energy, sympathy, discomfort, protection and a lack of true connection. What I can do is be as open as possible and let myself and the other person feel me, warts and all. We don’t need to be perfect, we just need to be honest.

  19. It’s all in our choice. We can choose to be in love no matter how another is. It’s only up to us. Being together or not, ultimately can be because of protection or rawness, how much we share ourselves in love.

    1. Yes, and likewise we can choose to be in love no matter where another is, physically or metaphorically. Love never goes away, it might have a different expression on the outside but the quality and the purity of its essence remains the same.

  20. Every constellation offers us the opportunity to reflect and magnify the vibration of love, and by our not dropping our connection and knowing of who we are in essence we then are able to maximise the offering to evolve which always is on offer.

  21. Your clarity you now have Anonymous is amazing, not many couples would want to got to the depths of honesty you have. Well done you for seeing through the illusion that need can bring and instead choosing what is real.

  22. It takes a lot to end a relationship when you deeply care for the other, but that you know is not serving either of you to evolve, because it’s feeding the neediness on both sides. But when we do, we offer ourselves and the other the opportunity to grow, deepen and learn to truly love ourselves before seeking it from another.

  23. A hug can be a very precious experience as two hearts meet as one, nothing needs to be said as the hug can say it all.

  24. If a hug doesn’t feel well it is worth starting again. We all appreciate a real heartfelt hug and to do this when we are totally present with ourselves, not thinking about something else or talking about anything or in any way being distracted but fully connected is a healing moment for us all.

  25. A hug can be very physical and fulfil our idea of what is a hug. But on an energetic level the quality can be of huge difference.

  26. Very appropriate for a time where relationships are popping up all around me. How honest are we truly willing to be when somebody who ticks all of our boxes comes along and we kid ourselves that we have been constellated by the stars. The story can be picture perfect, in the most “romantic” way. But in truth, in our need for recognition we are placed exactly in the right place, at the right time to find somebody who will keep us from true love in the most deceitful way. That is if we don’t listen to hour heart, but follow our needs.

  27. I do a slow motion high five with kids and it is so lovely to feel the essence in each other through your palms.

  28. It’s a very honest sharing thank you, and it’s a very honest look at the mechanics of relationships and how we can choose love and develop new standards – beginning with love for ourselves. I have to wonder how much we all settle for need in our relationships (including friendships, etc) instead of exploring the love within and living from that, and taking that love into relationships. I feel for me there is still a lot to look at around neediness.

  29. A hug is a window to what we offer others. Is it; open or closed, with curtains that are sheer or heavy, or like the English window tax of 1696, but willingly bricked them up?

    1. Yes rather telling to want to brick up the light ! It’s like the authorities knew something huh! Up to us to break down the walls we willingly put up.

  30. A hug is a reflection of the transparency, intimacy and openness that you live in daily life. How much you live all these three the more you can share with another when you hug them.

      1. Absolutely, giving someone a hug confronts you immediately with your own lack of intimacy with yourself and with others.

  31. I am sure all your relationships got pulled up through the honesty you brought to your previous relationships. When we work on our stuff, everything gets lifted automatically.

  32. Today I received a big hug from a relative of a person I was looking after. The hug came with such love and appreciation that no words were needed.

    1. What I experience, that looking in someone’s eyes can be the same like receiving or giving them a hug. Without even touching them.

      1. Absolutely Stefanie, that’s my experience too, same as walking together can feel like a hug even when there is no holding of the hands or should I say because of not holding hands it feels like a hug, much more intimate and transparent, at least that’s my experience lately.

      2. We can touch the deepest part of another through both physical touch, as in a hug and through non touch, as in looking into another’s eyes. There is a depth in us all that can be assessed in many ways. Our speech is another example of how we can go deeply within with another.

  33. Great blog. I wonder how many other relationships are based on a need but is not called out. Also when there is a new constellation of a relationship how on the whole we do not stop and ask what the true constellation of the relationship is, what is there to learn or why the relationship has constellated or what the relationship should be i.e. work together on something etc. A hug is a momentum of what we have lived so if there is protection or holding back or an anxiousness or a need when we hug another all will be felt.

  34. I had a lovely experience with a friend today. She wanted to give me a hug as we had shared a very connecting time together, but in her hug I could feel a holding back, so I said lets do this again keeping your heart fully open. It was gorgeous and we felt the difference immediately… it was a full, heartfelt embrace.

  35. “What’s in a hug? Oh so very much…” So very true and it is probably why as a child I didn’t really like them and as an adult I avoided them as I didn’t want to express my true feelings and held back where ever possible, and by doing that all I felt was my own hardness. Today I love hugs, as I allow myself to be more open and willing to express and let go of the hardness that once ruled my body.

    1. So glad you now love hugs! You’re so huggable 😍. I dislike how we often force kids to hug other people. There is a good reason that they don’t want to usually as you share, as everything is felt.

  36. Hugging someone and still holding yourself is a double hug. If the other does the same, it is a quatro hug. Wow. What a difference with two people hugging each other from need and with an armour to protect themselves. It’s worth it for all of us to drop the armours and let each other in by opening up ourselves. For me today, I am looking forward for hugging people in this way!

  37. The quality of a hug depends on the way the person lives/ has been living. If we harden and push through life then it makes sense that this is the quality we offer when we hug.

  38. In our insecurity of ourselves we can very often fall for the kind, the need of another person for us to make us feel worthy. Only through cherishing ourselves can we stay steady when that comes our way.

  39. I find that when I am hugging someone it is so important to respect us both by staying fully present. If my mind wanders off I am not there with myself or the other person in the moment. Staying fully present and in fact going deep within my heart when I am hugging allows the moment to be felt as a deep connection between two people which is genuine and true, instead of simply a gesture of goodwill.

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