What’s In A Hug?

What’s in a hug?

I hugged someone yesterday. It was the man I was in a relationship with a year ago. Coming full circle after our split, we are now in the position where we feel we can hug knowing that’s all it will be.

A year ago I was deep in the depths of this relationship. Masked by a connection that was deep and timeless and very lovely, we were blind to the fact that the nature of our relationship was actually based on need and not true love.

As I held him yesterday I could feel the dynamics between us and I could feel with clarity what I had fallen into when we first entered into the relationship. Hugging him yesterday I could feel how far I have come since we split, and the fact that I now have the ability to observe without reacting in the old way.

What I could feel as I held him was the hardness and protection in his chest. It was like a coat of armour. Underneath this I could feel the seeking for true connection. In that moment, I was aware of the vulnerability of us all, and how this is often not cherished or encouraged. He reveled in the tenderness of the hug, and I could feel that he did not want it to end.

What I did when I first met him was to respond in kind. Thrilled to have the attention and the affection on offer and excited by a new relationship, I responded to his need with my need and jumped straight into physical intimacy without actually stopping to explore the dynamics at play. This only led to the gradual disintegration of everything I had previously built up for myself in my life. It meant giving myself away, ignoring my inner wisdom, and without claiming and expressing what I knew to be true, simply getting lost in a pit of neediness, not wanting the hugs or physical intimacy to ever end.

Of course, this is not the way to true love. We cannot find what we are looking for from someone else. I knew this when I met him, but fell into it anyway, exposing a pattern that had yet to be healed. In this there was no respect for either of us, just an allowing of a momentum to run unchecked. I knew I had to end the relationship and cut the momentum… not at all easy at the time.

Exposing this pattern has been extremely valuable and has opened the way for greater awareness, a great deal of healing, and a new and very strong claiming of myself. Coming back to a platform of honesty and care in my own life is helping me to re-build my foundation, and I’m working once more on bringing love into my own life through the tenderness, love and care I can give to myself. Without this as a foundation, I do not have anything to share with anyone else.

Within the hug that we shared yesterday I appreciated the fact that I can now hold myself with whomever I am with, supported by the foundation I have re-built in my life. I am now free to truly love others in a way that I previously did not. With the honesty and awareness that I am now choosing to bring, I can hold myself and others in love – observe, and bring truth.

Our relationship is truer than it has ever been. There is more love than there has ever been. Yes, the need is still there, but we don’t need to act on it. We are free to respect and appreciate each other as we are, avoiding the bottomless pit and instead choosing a platform of love.

What’s in a hug? Oh so very much…

Inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, whose teachings have brought clarity to my life and relationships.

By Anonymous

Related Reading:
Relationship Advice
Living harmoniously with your partner 24/7
Relationships Re-Defined

530 thoughts on “What’s In A Hug?

  1. Can we be honest with ourselves enough to admit the intentions behind our physical intimacy, be it a just hug with a friend that’s based on sympathy for an issue they’re in, or touching someone from a slightly possessive need or lack of confidence, or feeling out of sorts or lesser and wanting someone else to make us feel better through touch. It can be uncomfortable to be this open and raw with ourselves about the tangled mix of things behind our actions, but the more we are able to be honest, we can free ourselves from any need from outside us and then be able to truly love others rather than loving what they give us.

  2. A hug is a moment and marker when we can assess the level of love we express and let in and from that assessment we can open and deepen every time. There is no end to the depth of love that can be shared and clocked in a hug.

  3. I feel this would be great to discuss more .. what is the difference between a relationship based on need and one based on true love? And is it easy to tell or just a case of us being more honest with ourselves? I spoke to a young man yesterday who said in his last relationship his girlfriend cheated on him but a year a half ago he knew the relationship was not right. Our discussion here was if he honoured what he felt and ended the relationship when he felt to (a year and a half ago) then this would not have happened to him (his girlfriend cheating). So why do we stay in relationships (and sometimes for years and years or lifetimes) even though we know they are not right? ‘we were blind to the fact that the nature of our relationship was actually based on need and not true love.’ For me what this comes down to is the relationship with ourselves and if we truly honour and love ourselves all our other relationships will reflect this.

    1. I agree Vicky. This would be great to discuss more. Relationships are a natural part of life, so it is not about denying ourselves a relationship for fear that it may come from need. It’s so important to be true to ourselves and claim ourselves every step of the way. If we are not doing this then we give our power away, and it is easy to hand our power away if we want something or if we are invested in an outcome. True love is to ourselves first, and this needs to be lived in any situation including in a relationship. Perhaps this is the way to a relationship based on true love…

  4. Anoymous, this is a great question; ‘Whats in a hug?’ Since reading this previously I have been very aware of how hugs feel, I am working on staying present, and being aware if I am feeing needy when I hug; if there is protection or a holding quality. I have become aware that there is so much in a hug.

  5. This is a great reminder that we have every opportunity to really be all of us and not hold others in what has happened in the past. To embrace literally each moment with an openness and allowing the Love to flow from us and allowing it in from others.

  6. I’m struck by how, if we let our needs guide us, we gradually disintegrate the hard work we have being doing to be with ourselves and build a loving platform.

  7. A hug is one of those moments when we get to feel whether we are giving more outwardly to another than I am giving to myself? Or, am I feeling me and my love and sharing this quality with another?

  8. What is offered in a hug when we are fully connected to who we are can be unfathomable to someone who has never experienced a hug of such quality and depth.

    1. So true Sandra, and I can measure where I am by how I hug. If I am coming from my innermost essence, allowing myself to be vulnerable and open to giving and receiving, then it feels like the hug is unfathomable, it could go on for ever -not from need but from joy. If I have separated from that innermost essence then I feel stiff and hard, start to measure the other person, go into comparison and often feel myself pulling away. It is a great marker, and in its true expression one of the most beautiful and tender ways to share intimacy in life.

  9. How often in our lives do we ignore “our inner wisdom” simply to fulfil a neediness that gnaws away within us, begging to be satisfied? I know that I have, often with devastating consequences. To stop and to listen to that natural wisdom we hold within is the difference between living a life that is one big, long challenge and a life that flows with ease and joy.

  10. Just lately I have had the opportunity to feel some amazing hugs, and also to understand when someone’s hug is very brittle and protective, for we may all have had times when we have felt that way. I get to appreciate my own openness as well as others, and to share that reflection.

  11. Today I have an opportunity to share hugs with friends I have not seen for a while – they key word here I feel is SHARE – I don’t NEED to have them or give them, its just a joy where we share them.

  12. There is someone I have got to know at the local hospital where I volunteer, I am told they are suffering from dementia and I keep them company for the time I am there. Recently when I left I gave them a hug and they clung onto to me and made little mewing noises and I could feel how terrified they were in their body. They didn’t want to let go and I had to gently pull myself away. They seem to be terrified of themselves and what is happening to them. Scientists can say that there are different types of dementia and can say what part of the brain gets affected and this is needed. However my understanding on this particular day was that in side the body is a terrified human being that does know they are slipping away. How do we reach out to them and can we bring less serve cases back? And could all it take is for them to be shown love in all its absoluteness and given hugs? I don’t have the answer but I know how powerful a hug can be.

  13. Hugs can be so beautiful. If we remain present with a hug and feel what’s there to be felt they can be beautiful if they are full of fragility, or if they are one big playful squeeze, or anything in between! A gorgeous way of connecting and communicating.

  14. Sometimes a hug can ignite a memory. For instance I remember a hug with another was time stopping as we stood and embraced each other in full, the room clouded out with the people in it, and there was only the moment – the moment of holding each other in a hug that spoke volumes more so than any words.

  15. A true loving hug with another can literally turn our life around, as it is possible to feel the depth and quality that is being offered with no expectation or judgement. Just an allowing of each other to be who they are in that moment.

  16. The beauty in this is that you still hold a loving relationship with this man even though you are not together. This is something we can all learn from as in many cases after partners are no longer together there is some form of animosity.

  17. I don’t feel that most of us have even scratched the surface of how vulnerable we feel due to our lack of connection to our soul. With that disconnection we feel very lost and our need for protection and control is paramount.

  18. The beauty of a hug from within is very special and something to be treasured when expressing from our hearts and dearly felt by one another.

  19. ‘We cannot find what we are looking for from someone else. I knew this when I met him, but fell into it anyway, exposing a pattern that had yet to be healed.’ I have known this in myself for a while but never felt able to address it in full. What I’m realising is that if I don’t my life is so much the poorer. There aren’t many who live in all their glory but the more people choose to, the more will be inspired as I am by blogs like this and those I do know live their truth without any need from another. Until I’d felt this livingness in them myself I didn’t believe this was possible.

  20. A hug is a good barometer of where we and the other is at. Hugging has become more common place in the UK where I live and so has people telling each other “I love you” On the surface this may look like a more caring society but these acts and words can be quite empty if we are not connected with ourselves and the love that we are. As we become more honest with ourselves so too can our love deepen.

  21. There is no respect for ourselves and or for the other when we start from a need. The emptiness rules us and brings nothing than more emptiness, never true love unless we start to unravel and heal the needs we have and build a foundation of love.

  22. The bottomless pit of neediness oh yes, I recall years ago Serge Benhayon presenting on relationships and neediness and it explained so much to me about the relationship I was in at the time. It is a lesson I am still learning, how we think we are in love but it is simply a matching of needs and not true love at all. Love is something very different, and it starts with us loving and appreciating ourselves first and foremost. We don’t need love from anywhere else, it is all deep inside us already, we simply have to reconnect with it and let it out

  23. This blog shows how desperately we miss the intimacy we missed out on as kids but knew should have been there with the ones who love us. I am sure many a relationship has been entered into due to this unresolved need for intimacy and leads us to compromise all we know is true.

    1. So true Fiona… our need for intimacy leads to us compromising ourselves to fit in with another so our need is ‘satisfied’ to some degree… but I’ve found you only ever get the crumbs that never truly satisfy – in contrast to the fullness, love and joy of a true heart connection, the feeling of which you and your body never forget.

  24. We can be very protected in the way that we hug or we can open up and allow the other person in. Which one we do will depend on how we are living our life.

  25. Anonymous, this is a great question; ‘What’s in a hug?’ Since reading this previously I have been much more aware of how I hug and how I am hugged back. I have felt recently how hugs can be short and hard and done more out of a sense of duty rather than a wanting to connect and be close or hugs where there is embarrassment and wanting to get it over with. A hug from my experience says a lot about how I am and how the other person is. I am enjoying my new found awareness around hugs, thank you.

  26. It is wonderful to connect to the fact that there is much more love there than any of the issues we choose to focus on, and whilst it is useful to identify the issues that need to be healed, to know that we do not need to act on them – “avoiding the bottomless pit and instead choosing a platform of love.”

  27. I was hugging someone yesterday and she told me it didn’t feel right that I was leaning over in order to meet her at her height. I thought about this and realised that I was calibrating. I stood up straight and embraced her from there. Instantly the hug was more open, more intimate and more squidgy! It changed the nature of the hug so much to claim my own height. It showed me how much I calibrate in life and stoop to meet people, not just in physical height but also in the way that I don’t stand strong in myself and claim who I am, but give my power away. It was so revealing. A great lesson learned from this.

    1. Ooo Good learning there Rebecca, being married to a man a foot taller than me I can relate to this, it would not feel great if he had to be less, in fact its much easier at times for me to stand on say a bottom stair to share a hug, and I don’t feel any lesser or calibrating in doing that, just choosing to move my heart closer to his, or not as I choose.

    2. Great point Rebecca. I too have done this in the past until someone pointed it out to me that it didnt feel so good for them. It is so much more honouring of another who may be a different height to you, to hold them in the same way that you would hold anyone else. And obviously so much more gorgeous for both people!

  28. This new found way of connecting to Love and sharing this with others is super cool and takes away any need or expectations that we have on others. Everything feels so much lighter and spacious when we have our relationships based on these key principles of true Love and the openness that this brings is heavenly.

  29. In the last 2 days I have found myself in 2 different situations where someone had needed some support and I have offered them a hug, and both times a comment was made about how supported they felt to not feel that anything was being asked of them or imposed upon them, simply by the way the hug was given.

  30. Hugs are like handshaking, both are physical contact with another and in a moment express so much without any words. They can be competitive expressing strength or weakness, a need to be fulfilled or taken and just a simple coming together sharing the love.

  31. ‘I can now hold myself with whomever I am with’, that just feels gorgeous and shows just how much you have healed and let go of, and how much love you are allowing to flow through you.

  32. To hug a person is to invite them in to your life — where they get to feel, taste, touch, sense the quality of that life you lead. A single hug is thus the revealer of integrity and responsibility we have towards ourselves, to others and to the world too.

  33. I had a hug from my flatmate last night after making her a roast chicken dinner, it was just so warm and full of appreciation which felt very confirming, as we both embraced the love that we are. Hugs convey so much more than words: thankyou.

  34. So much can be said in a hug at times when words might lead to wires crossed and confusion. The love in a hug is the bedrock of any relationship that says so much, and reaches way beyond the words at times, and is unambiguous in its quality.

  35. When we appreciate what a hug can bring, by letting go our barriers that hinder our connecting to the essence we all come from, life takes on the most magical journey towards evolution.

  36. Often times we focus on and enjoy the attention we get from another… the attention we avoid giving ourselves.

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