Find Me at the Lost and Found

I’ve been on the ‘missing list’ for the majority of my life. Along with a lot of other ‘missing’ folk.

And the truth is, I have really missed me not being around.

I, like so many others, had access to a knowingness as a child of how we could and should be. I was aware of it from an early age. I didn’t speak often but when I did, it was for all.

I spoke up about abuse and I loved humanity. However, it wasn’t long before I made a choice to keep quiet to avoid being told ‘the world didn’t work that way’ and that ‘I thought like a communist.’ I didn’t know what that was but it didn’t sound real good. And so I lost my ability to express.

I lost my innate sexiness as a woman in my early teens, right after I discovered it actually.

It was quenched by a family member whose own hurts told me not to flaunt who I was or someone would take advantage of me for doing so.

But here’s the thing – I wasn’t ‘flaunting’ it, wasn’t ‘selling myself’ as I was being accused of, I was merely feeling what being a gorgeous young woman was all about and I was celebrating that.

And it felt good.

I wasn’t doing anything to deliberately attract the ogling eyes of men, though I was accused of it.

I wasn’t parading myself through areas where men hung out to attract their attention. In fact, I soon learnt to avoid those places because I didn’t appreciate the offensive behaviour of the men hanging out of pub windows or building sites making crude comments about me, or the wolf whistling. It made me feel uncomfortable.

I wasn’t baring my breasts for all to see and I wasn’t wiggling my buttocks in an effort to attract the attention of anyone who would look.

What I did feel though, was a movement in my body that had a lovely flow when I walked, I enjoyed the feel of fabric around my body, I loved the soft curves my body was developing and the twinkle in my eyes that lit up my face when I looked in the mirror.

Slowly, that twinkle in the eye that I used to love when I saw myself in the mirror started to wane, eventually flickering out.

The sadness of missing myself started to set in and I slowly disappeared.

All that was left was the shell of who I used to be; who I actually am. When I looked in the mirror there was no light left to shine out to the world.

I wore clothes to hide what was underneath.

I began to walk in a way that made me less than who I was. It was a walk that sauntered my body along the street.

I walked without authority. I walked in fact and deliberately so, to make myself not stand out. I walked the walk that said “I don’t care about myself.”

I just wanted to fit in with what the majority of my age group had decided was acceptable.

I chose to be, to the best of my ability, a zombie. It simply brought less attention my way. And it asked nothing of me. 

And that is what I modelled to the world.

I obliged boyfriends even though I could feel in my body it wasn’t ok.

I physically worked like a man despite my body asking me not to.

I avoided mirrors and I ate what my taste buds desired and what would numb me.

There was a short phase of alcohol drinking in my late 30’s early 40’s after my marriage had broken up. It helped to further numb how I was feeling and it was socially acceptable. It made me feel like I was part of ‘the group’ but the after-effects made me feel like I was party to nothing!

I overrode every message my body was communicating with me.

When the emptiness became too much I began my journey searching out ways to reclaim myself back.

I wanted to reignite what had been there from the beginning. There were a lot of workshops attended and money spent that was difficult to find and unwisely spent.

The energetic imprint of some of those experiences held me back and created their own problems in my body.

The most wonderful thing though about that search was indeed the day I found my way to Serge Benhayon.

A flyer had arrived on my desk regarding his work and the workshops he was offering through Universal Medicine. I attracted a lot of similar brochures and business cards, all of which had been making their way to the bin. However, Serge’s remained on my desk, being shuffled around for close to six months before I made a move.

And so began my true journey back to me.

I, like so many others, have so much to appreciate this man for.

Serge Benhayon is so steady, walks the Truth he speaks and delivers in such a way that the Truth is felt in the body first and foremost. He provides a platform that is supportive for the change that is so desperately needed.

Sometimes I left his workshops angry at words he had spoken because they stirred a truth in me that I was not wanting to accept. Always I left his workshops a totally different person to the one who had arrived earlier in the day.

Regardless of the reaction, I always came home clearer than when I had left.

Gradually the excess weight started to disappear (approx. 20 kilos) and the self-appreciation is slowly returning. The blinkers obscuring the truth of this world and what I had been accepting as ‘normal’ have started to drop away.

Michael Benhayon has offered unwavering support on my journey back to me. The words ‘thank you’ substantially lack the grandness of what he has truly offered me.

What the Benhayons offer in their everyday livingness is inspirational, encouraging and it is so appreciated.

Despite the yearning for rediscovering my amazing self, I have come to understand that I can be pretty elusive. Out of fear, lack of self-appreciation, lack of self-love and self-worth, I can dodge, avoid and delay the most gorgeous rediscovery of me.

Slowly though, I am emerging. I’m somewhat like a butterfly making her way out of an almost solidified cocoon. I am emerging long after my youth has been lived. The woman who dares to look in the mirror now is coaxing herself to accept her older body, but there is a twinkle that is beginning to shine again and it is that twinkle that is encouraging the woman within to once again come out and play.

By Julie King, 57, Disability Care Support Worker, caring community member, gorgeous woman finding herself and sharing it with the world

Related Reading:
From ‘Don’t be a Nuisance’ to Claiming Myself – an Ongoing Journey
Woman Returning
The true power of women – no more holding back

519 thoughts on “Find Me at the Lost and Found

  1. We never lose our ability to feel and know who we are and to express that- it feels like that when we give up on ourselves.

  2. We never ‘lose’ our sexiness or sacredness. It this statement alone is a testimony to how much we give our power to what is imposed from outside of us.

  3. It is beautiful to read yet another transformation… someone else choosing to reconnect with themselves, to light again the spark within, and to feel a part of life and starting to connect again to who they truly are

  4. We have things back to front when we shut down beauty and true sexiness in young women just because it might be taken advantage of. Shouldn’t we be looking at addressing those that would take advantage? Worse still is the shutdown because we older women were also shut down and don’t see why anyone else should be able to enjoy it if we can’t!

  5. When we live in disconnection we lose the knowing of the truth of who we are and look outside ourselves to find this truth not realising that it is only through turning inwards and reconnecting to our inner heart that we find ourselves again and no matter what age we are it is never too late to return to this inner knowing and truth.

  6. That sparkle we are born with is so natural and yet how life has been set up has been designed to crush that. It’s not an understatement that what Serge Benhayon and his family brings is a blessing. A reminder and a way to live that doesn’t surrender that sparkle to existence.

    1. Leigh, I love what you share in your comment about Serge Benhayon and his family and how they lead the way in reminding us of how it is possible to live in the illusion that we have on earth today, without surrendering our internal sparkle to it. This is indeed a true blessing to humanity.

  7. This is so true ‘Always I left his workshops a totally different person to the one who had arrived earlier in the day.’ Attending Serge’s courses always stir things up and even if we don’t like what we hear there is no denying the changes that take place in our bodies and our thoughts.

  8. Yes, that twinkle in the eye can always return no matter how old or world-weary we have become, because it gives away our heavenly origins which cannot be denied.

  9. We all should read these stories and go ‘wow’ what are we doing as a society that people choose to shut down like that and then become the next persons to have other people choose to shut down too? What kind of momentum have we got running in society and how do we contribute to it ourselves?

  10. There has been a lot of lies in the media about Serge Benhayon, and likely to be more. But it ain’t the truth, stories like these are the truth. Real people sharing how they have been inspired by Serge Benhayon to return from living disengaged lives, to being much more themselves, engaged in life and dropping the self-loathing and returning to self-love. Is that not what the world needs?

  11. To walk with authority is something else then walking with identification. The latest is based on self. True aothority makes that we walk our innerpower connected with the whole.

  12. When I see the Benhayon family (which I do mostly 3 times a Year in the Uk when they give workshops)
    I can watch them in all their movements. How they walk, talk, connect with people. In all you feel the divine, the true love which we all Can live. Such an inspiration to spent time with them.

  13. Julie I quite understand where you are coming from the innate beauty and sweetness that is in both the male and the female gets crushed at an early age there are so many do not’s it’s like putting on a straight-jacket of life. Giving ourselves permission to feel the pulse of life again and that we are so much a part of it to me is the best medicine there is.

  14. I imagine there are millions of people on the “missing” list – I’ve definitely been on it and know what it feels like to have lost such a vital and important part of myself. I love the everyday rediscovery of who I am, it’s like opening an old treasure box and discovering you are full of jewels

  15. Noticing how easily we as women deliberately throw comments towards other women. Yesterday someone told me ‘you were more funny before’. In the past I would have contracted myself and accepted this kind of comment as truth but I asked my body how that felt and I couldn’t find it right. Maybe in the past I was more funny but now I feel more real, more me and this maybe is not liked by all, that’s fine, but here I am.

    1. I wonder if such a comment is a throwaway comment or a deliberate attempt to undermine someone’s growth forward. The effect of such a comment can be devastating and leave you in a constant state of questioning yourself, it’s a great reminder to make sure our integrity and our sense of worth is in check so we never deliberately hurt another person.

  16. How wonderful it is being able to return to this state of contentment within yourself Julie. Embracing and celebrating ourselves is actually very natural, something that should be normal and yet it’s sabotaged and seen as arrogant very easily. There is a way of functioning between people that we tend to bring each other down instead of pulling each other up. What I’m living by being part of the esoteric community of students of the Livingness is just the opposite, a loving support, always encouraging me to step up, an ongoing inspiration and appreciation for each other…something that I really missed in the past and now I’m finding and enjoying it daily, very much so.

  17. Crude comments and whistlings feels disgusting whereas an appreciation from someone can be confirming of the beauty we all are and very supportive. True appreciation towards women empowers us to walk with dignity and joy in life with no holding back. Something that I’m deeply inspired by the Benhayon family to bring it out in to my everyday life.

  18. To be lost in a cocoon of shadows and insecurities and then be able to emerge and transform ourselves into butterfly’s free of those issues is something we should all be encouraged and supported to do.

  19. Gosh the evil of jealously – an energy directed at another to stop them being who they truly are. Yuk. the remedy is to be aware of this (another being jealous that is), call it out for what it is and shine like you have never shone before ✨ I would love to hear how you are embracing more of your sexy self now Julie as well as not holding back in what you feel to express ✨

    1. Jealousy feels quite yucky in the body and I used to contract quite easily in the past. However what I’m noticing now is that arising this feeling in others is a confirmation of being living the potential that is actually available for all. So standing steady in front of this energy – embracing myself and the other person for who we really are – it’s a wonderful service to offer that unify us.

  20. Reconnecting with our essence is so joyful because in truth we deeply miss ourselves when we are disconnected.

  21. It’s so worth appreciating that our inner spark is never totally extinguished and so is always there for us to come back to and re-kindle in our everyday expression and way of living. This Serge Benhayon has always been super clear about – that building more love in our life is about re-connecting with the love inside of us, that is already there and not that we need to create or seek something that we aren’t already in essence.

  22. Life feels a bit like a maze. It may start out clear and open but as you progress you get lost in it, taking lots of wrong turns (and there are lots of misleading directions along the way). For almost two decades, Serge Benhayon has been reminding us firstly that they are in a maze (something many of us are oblivious to) and secondly that we were never supposed to be in the maze in the first place.

  23. This article puts an end to the forever search outside of ourselves to find out who we are in truth. Rather it proposes that the answer in ‘refinding our missing self’ is a matter of reconnection to our innermost.

  24. I can relate to so much in what you are sharing, it touched me, it brought me more honesty about my choices in life to not shine any longer but the solid foundation of joy has never left me completely and comes out more and more, indeed with a twinkle in my eyes willing to share the joy with everyone.

  25. There are so many women I see walking on the street with hunched shoulders, looking in every shop window to see their reflection and be assured of their looks. We forget that regardless of how we look, it is our emanation that counts – nothing else is worth the beauty of the sparkle in our eyes as that is where our worth lies.

  26. A beautiful sharing Julie. I can feel your emerging from the cocoon and it is also how I feel myself. It is never too late to reconnect to that playful yet wise being on the inside and live from that love and truth.

  27. When we choose to become a mere party to life, a zombie, then we are indeed choosing to have less attention and nothing is asked of us … it’s a check out on both life and ourselves and while we’re not seen and not much is asked we lose that spark that is us … it’s wonderful to hear someone coming back to that spark and understanding how the choices made impact us and how making new and different choices brings us back to life, back to us. Thank you for sharing your story Julie.

  28. “I walked the walk that said “I don’t care about myself.” – There is a lot to appreciate in this sentence and I have noticed lately just how one’s walk communicates so much about their state of being, overall health, vitality, and purpose, among many other things. We can all feel it and it affects everyone around us watching us walking. So paying attention to this and walking with presence and gentleness at the very least is so very important. Because if someone sees you walking like you don’t care, it almost is like giving them permission to do the same thing.

  29. When we are truly inspired to start looking within and discover more about ourselves, our journey to find and connect with our true essence begins and we have the opportunity to transform our life to one of true care and tenderness with our movements and our whole way of being that builds a steady foundation from knowing who we are and being able to simply express ourselves without holding back.

  30. I love and can feel the joy of your twinkle Julie, and how you’re walked your way back to it, very inspiring and just gorgeous to hear.

  31. When we do not live the truth of who we are then there can only be huge sadness because it separates us from the love that we are and this is very painful.

  32. Our actions as a child are often misinterpreted, judged through the critical, if not cynical eyes of the adult. By itself, that wouldn’t necessarily matter that much but unfortunately, we take it on even though, what they say, doesn’t make sense in the light of our innocence.

    1. We swallow it whole and even if the words are not said the way adults are around us shows us what is accepted and what is not.

  33. I can attest to that Julie, that we leave a workshop with Serge Benhayon very changed from the way we walked into it. I feel a deepening of connection with me, and expansion of myself, a lightness and vitality and quiet joy inside, for Serge reflects the truth of ourselves back to us, that unique essence of ourselves that is pure love.

    1. The famous hymn “Amazing Grace” has a line that I really resonate with… I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see. This, I feel Universal Medicine has supported me to… and my appreciation for it and Serge Benhayon runs deep.

  34. I find your transformation inspiring Julie. Reflections like yours are so needed today especially because so many are not living who they are not.

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