Find Me at the Lost and Found

I’ve been on the ‘missing list’ for the majority of my life. Along with a lot of other ‘missing’ folk.

And the truth is, I have really missed me not being around.

I, like so many others, had access to a knowingness as a child of how we could and should be. I was aware of it from an early age. I didn’t speak often but when I did, it was for all.

I spoke up about abuse and I loved humanity. However, it wasn’t long before I made a choice to keep quiet to avoid being told ‘the world didn’t work that way’ and that ‘I thought like a communist.’ I didn’t know what that was but it didn’t sound real good. And so I lost my ability to express.

I lost my innate sexiness as a woman in my early teens, right after I discovered it actually.

It was quenched by a family member whose own hurts told me not to flaunt who I was or someone would take advantage of me for doing so.

But here’s the thing – I wasn’t ‘flaunting’ it, wasn’t ‘selling myself’ as I was being accused of, I was merely feeling what being a gorgeous young woman was all about and I was celebrating that.

And it felt good.

I wasn’t doing anything to deliberately attract the ogling eyes of men, though I was accused of it.

I wasn’t parading myself through areas where men hung out to attract their attention. In fact, I soon learnt to avoid those places because I didn’t appreciate the offensive behaviour of the men hanging out of pub windows or building sites making crude comments about me, or the wolf whistling. It made me feel uncomfortable.

I wasn’t baring my breasts for all to see and I wasn’t wiggling my buttocks in an effort to attract the attention of anyone who would look.

What I did feel though, was a movement in my body that had a lovely flow when I walked, I enjoyed the feel of fabric around my body, I loved the soft curves my body was developing and the twinkle in my eyes that lit up my face when I looked in the mirror.

Slowly, that twinkle in the eye that I used to love when I saw myself in the mirror started to wane, eventually flickering out.

The sadness of missing myself started to set in and I slowly disappeared.

All that was left was the shell of who I used to be; who I actually am. When I looked in the mirror there was no light left to shine out to the world.

I wore clothes to hide what was underneath.

I began to walk in a way that made me less than who I was. It was a walk that sauntered my body along the street.

I walked without authority. I walked in fact and deliberately so, to make myself not stand out. I walked the walk that said “I don’t care about myself.”

I just wanted to fit in with what the majority of my age group had decided was acceptable.

I chose to be, to the best of my ability, a zombie. It simply brought less attention my way. And it asked nothing of me. 

And that is what I modelled to the world.

I obliged boyfriends even though I could feel in my body it wasn’t ok.

I physically worked like a man despite my body asking me not to.

I avoided mirrors and I ate what my taste buds desired and what would numb me.

There was a short phase of alcohol drinking in my late 30’s early 40’s after my marriage had broken up. It helped to further numb how I was feeling and it was socially acceptable. It made me feel like I was part of ‘the group’ but the after-effects made me feel like I was party to nothing!

I overrode every message my body was communicating with me.

When the emptiness became too much I began my journey searching out ways to reclaim myself back.

I wanted to reignite what had been there from the beginning. There were a lot of workshops attended and money spent that was difficult to find and unwisely spent.

The energetic imprint of some of those experiences held me back and created their own problems in my body.

The most wonderful thing though about that search was indeed the day I found my way to Serge Benhayon.

A flyer had arrived on my desk regarding his work and the workshops he was offering through Universal Medicine. I attracted a lot of similar brochures and business cards, all of which had been making their way to the bin. However, Serge’s remained on my desk, being shuffled around for close to six months before I made a move.

And so began my true journey back to me.

I, like so many others, have so much to appreciate this man for.

Serge Benhayon is so steady, walks the Truth he speaks and delivers in such a way that the Truth is felt in the body first and foremost. He provides a platform that is supportive for the change that is so desperately needed.

Sometimes I left his workshops angry at words he had spoken because they stirred a truth in me that I was not wanting to accept. Always I left his workshops a totally different person to the one who had arrived earlier in the day.

Regardless of the reaction, I always came home clearer than when I had left.

Gradually the excess weight started to disappear (approx. 20 kilos) and the self-appreciation is slowly returning. The blinkers obscuring the truth of this world and what I had been accepting as ‘normal’ have started to drop away.

Michael Benhayon has offered unwavering support on my journey back to me. The words ‘thank you’ substantially lack the grandness of what he has truly offered me.

What the Benhayons offer in their everyday livingness is inspirational, encouraging and it is so appreciated.

Despite the yearning for rediscovering my amazing self, I have come to understand that I can be pretty elusive. Out of fear, lack of self-appreciation, lack of self-love and self-worth, I can dodge, avoid and delay the most gorgeous rediscovery of me.

Slowly though, I am emerging. I’m somewhat like a butterfly making her way out of an almost solidified cocoon. I am emerging long after my youth has been lived. The woman who dares to look in the mirror now is coaxing herself to accept her older body, but there is a twinkle that is beginning to shine again and it is that twinkle that is encouraging the woman within to once again come out and play.

By Julie King, 57, Disability Care Support Worker, caring community member, gorgeous woman finding herself and sharing it with the world

Related Reading:
From ‘Don’t be a Nuisance’ to Claiming Myself – an Ongoing Journey
Woman Returning
The true power of women – no more holding back

435 thoughts on “Find Me at the Lost and Found

  1. I love the honesty of this blog. “All that was left was the shell of who I used to be; who I actually am. When I looked in the mirror there was no light left to shine out to the world.” This is devastating, but it is so common for most of us to walk around like this. We need to not accept it as the norm, but aim to claim our light back so we can see and feel and claim and appreciate our true beauty.

    1. It is devastating that the majority of people live in a shell of the amazing gorgeousness that we are born as babies. So sad that this is the normal.

      1. …and even more sad that most people do not realise that this is the case. The more of us who claim ourselves back, the more the world has a reflection of the truth and what is possible.

  2. How wonderful it is to again re-connect to ourselves that was never really lost but buried underneath the imposing forces we have allowed ourselves to be suppressed by and therefore always feeling a sense of loss and weighed down. “And so began my true journey back to me” and this gives our lives true purpose. Like finding again the most precious piece of a jigsaw that completes the picture.

  3. There is a huge celebration when we return to know how gorgeous we are inside Julie. The sabotages will still try and take us away from that, but once we return to the power of that knowing within, they do not last long.

    1. Yes a true homecoming one that all of us can have, thanks to women like yourself walking back to what is innate.

  4. The moment we no longer hold an awareness about ourselves, such as being lost momentarily in our heads, or getting too caught up in the task etc, we essentially delegate ourselves to the lost and found. Luckily the lost also has the found so we can keep coming back till such time that we do it less and less and less and then hopefully not at all!

  5. “What the Benhayons offer in their everyday livingness is inspirational, encouraging and it is so appreciated.” The Benhayons live a truth that is deeply inspiring, and such a beautiful reflection in today’s world where so many are lost. They are an anchor for us all to return to our truth.

  6. It feels amazing to start to get to know myself again, there was a time where I had no idea who ‘me’ was but as I build on the relationship I have with myself it now feels quiet alien when I leave myself and am not living life as me.

  7. ‘The most wonderful thing though about that search was indeed the day I found my way to Serge Benhayon.’ I had this experience too. Searching and looking for many years, in many directions. When I found Serge Benhayon the search was complete I did not need to look any more. Then my journey returning to me began.

  8. Once we realise how disconnected we have been from the truth our bodies have been trying to share with us, there is a humble and joyful reunion which deepens every day.

  9. What a joy it is to find ourselves, that is reconnect with our essence. There is nothing more beautiful in this world than living our truth.

  10. ‘It was a walk that sauntered my body along the street.’ and we change so much of how we are and who we are by how we walk and we show the world how to treat us in this. It’s something we can change as shown here and it’s inspiring to have the sparkle come back and it matters not what our age. We are so worth caring for us

  11. Gorgeous to read that it is never too late or too difficult. At any moment we can choose to start our way back to our true essence. Yes the patterns and behaviours we have replayed for lifetimes do not disappear all in one go, but life will support us one step at a time. We just need to keep remembering and celebrating as shared here: ” Slowly though, I am emerging. I’m somewhat like a butterfly making her way out of an almost solidified cocoon”. Beautiful.

  12. What an indictment on society and all the systems within it that cannot bear for a woman to simply feel what being a gorgeous young woman is all about and celebrate that.

  13. ‘And the truth is, I have really missed me not being around.’ When I get really still and connect deeply it never ceases to amaze me how much I have missed being in my true essence. In the function of life, we get so busy and numb ourselves so much that we fail to feel the enormity of what it means to live in this way – we then normalise this reduced way of living. But the truth is that we are so, so much more and I am discovering that the more I surrender the more I can make living from my essence the norm.

  14. The process of shutting down and negating the true self is a very common one. At the time you don’t feel like a zombie, as the odd highlight in life from a dinner, movie or holiday can keep you relatively unaware. However to rediscover that childhood twinkle in your eye is priceless and no dinner or holiday can compare or be sustained.

  15. For a couple of months now I’ve been feeling a sense of loss of myself. When I follow or resist an area of life it’s like I can’t be me in any area otherwise. Being me has to be everywhere or it’s nowhere.

  16. I would say our spark is never quenched by another, but we can certainly react to how others are with us and as a result dim that light ourselves… and the beauty in that being that our spark is always there within for us to re-connect with.

  17. It’s sad how through other’s words and our perception of the world, a world that can be very harsh and condemning, we can then contract ourselves to be way less than the shining light of being that we started out with. Thanks for sharing Julie, your journey back to joy and self love, it makes a real difference to so many
    others, when one comes back to more of their true essence.

  18. It’s interesting that our sexiness is something that often gets squashed quickly. The sexual sexiness is fine to parade about and even promote all over the show in a pornographic way – but this isn’t what sexiness truly is and we all know it. True sexiness is something incredibly powerful and it seems a lot of people can’t handle it or find it too confronting so it gets attacked promptly so that we hide it so much so that we walk around pretending we totally lost access to it.

  19. I love the title of this blog Julie as it already says so much.. “Find Me at the Lost and Found.” Lost in my story of life is where I was also before I found Serge Benhayon who presented a very clear example how to re-connect and re-find myself.

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