About two and a half years ago I went to see my esoteric healing practitioner to talk specifically about what I felt was the inevitable end of my 23-year relationship with my partner. My usual steady emotional manner had been thrown into disarray and I was what can only be described as an ‘emotional wreck.’ I could see no way of preventing what was going to be a calamity, not only for myself, my partner and our son, but for our friends and family.
My assumed certainty that our relationship had come to an end was borne out of another certainty and that was that I could no longer continue in the relationship as it was. My feeling that there had to be more to this relationship – and all relationships – had been growing for a while and now I was simply unable to ignore it. Thinking about living the rest of my life in the relationship as it was brought up feelings of despondency, and yet prior to the last couple of years I had never once questioned our being together.
Not only had I never once questioned our union but I had believed that what we had was a really great relationship – one in fact that I felt was better than most. This belief was built primarily around the fact that we pretty much never argued. Our home ran very smoothly, my partner has always been an amazing help around the house, we have never had to have a conversation about who does what and as my partner loves to cook, he has always done 95% of the cooking. We also shared similar philosophies around how to bring up our son and so even our parenting felt harmonious.
And even though all of these things were still true, there was no way that I was able to sustain the belief that we had a great relationship; that belief had turned to dust, like all beliefs are destined to do.
The esoteric healing session had barely begun before I was crying uncontrollably. My devastation was easy to feel. I shared with my practitioner that I desperately wanted a more intimate relationship with my partner but that he was not able to open up in the way that I wanted him to.
Very matter of factly, my esoteric healing practitioner gently pointed out that all relationship problems were 50/50. As arrogant as this may sound, up until that point I had not considered the fact that I was part of the problem. It was shortly after this that my practitioner delivered ‘the bomb;’ without an ounce of judgement and whilst holding me in absolute love, she suggested that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as my partner. Ok, stop, stop right there I thought, I might be open to having a peek at my part in all of this, but I certainly didn’t have a problem with intimacy, and I told her so! I even went so far as to share that one of my strengths was my ability to get close to people and talk intimately, even with strangers. My amazing practitioner continued to hold me in love and it was only a matter of moments later that I began to doubt what I was saying.
With lightning speed I felt the heavy tarpaulins of illusion that had obscured my ability to see the truth being ripped away. I was able to see very clearly that what I had paraded as ‘intimate sharings’ with others had been nothing other than sanitised pre-recorded monologues that I trolled out uniformly in the clandestine knowledge that it would be enough to give another the impression that I had ‘gone deep,’ and therefore prevent them from digging around themselves. It was also in these pivotal moments that I now understood what one of my closest friends had meant when she shared that I “never got emotional:” what she was really saying was that I “never allowed myself to be intimate.”
I then asked my practitioner a question that was to confirm what she had shared. I asked “What do you mean by intimacy?” to which my practitioner gently replied, “That says it all really.”
It is not an exaggeration to say that in those moments my life changed forever; the blinkers were off now and the light started to pour in. I could see that I had chosen to have a relationship with a man who had problems with intimacy because I HAD A MASSIVE PROBLEM WITH INTIMACY.
By choosing the partner that I did, I guaranteed that I was never going to be asked to be more than the vastly reduced version of me that I had settled for. I could feel that I had built a moat around myself, one that not even I had ventured to cross. And anyhow, if anyone did manage to traverse the moat then they would still have to scale the castle walls whilst dodging a shower of arrows… and who was going to risk that?
In the space of one hour my life and the life of my family had changed irrevocably. As soon as I got in the car I called my partner and with a mixture of relief and euphoria, a torrent of words poured out from my mouth as I shared the details of the session, starting with the fact that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as he did and that I was committed to taking responsibility for my part in any and all of the problems within our relationship.
I came to understand that I can only share with another what I have first shared with myself and that another can only get as close to me as I am prepared to get to myself, because when you think about it, how can anybody possibly get any closer to me than I am? In other words, unless we let ourselves in first then there’s no way that we can let another in.
So I jumped in my moat and got very, very wet. I splashed and thrashed around in the feelings that had always been there and yet I had never allowed myself to explore fully, Initially it was not easy; I had to mechanically drag words out of my body.
l shared with my partner the fact that our hugs had often felt empty, almost as if neither of us were there and that when we went to the cinema to ‘work on our relationship,’ I never felt any closer to him, having sat in the dark for a couple of hours and not talked.
As I committed to deepening my relationship with myself, so too did my incredible partner commit to deepening his relationship with himself; he started to see his own esoteric healing practitioner and has been going ever since. It is our deepening relationships with ourselves that we are able to bring to one another and although the changes have not been particularly quick or easy, we have none the less transformed our relationship from one of stagnation to one that has life marbled all the way through it.
Now I can feel ME in the relationship and I can feel MY PARTNER in the relationship and the exciting thing is I can also feel that there is no end point to our relationship or any relationship for that matter: all relationships are an opportunity to continually go deeper into the belly of Life.
There are countless truths that Serge Benhayon has shared over the years that have stayed in the forefront of my mind.
‘It’s never too late for love’ is one of them.
Published with the permission of my beautiful partner.
By Alexis Stewart, a woman who is coming to remember who she is and in doing so is remembering who we all are, Sydney, Australia