It’s Never Too Late For Love

About two and a half years ago I went to see my esoteric healing practitioner to talk specifically about what I felt was the inevitable end of my 23-year relationship with my partner. My usual steady emotional manner had been thrown into disarray and I was what can only be described as an ‘emotional wreck.’ I could see no way of preventing what was going to be a calamity, not only for myself, my partner and our son, but for our friends and family.

My assumed certainty that our relationship had come to an end was borne out of another certainty and that was that I could no longer continue in the relationship as it was. My feeling that there had to be more to this relationship – and all relationships – had been growing for a while and now I was simply unable to ignore it. Thinking about living the rest of my life in the relationship as it was brought up feelings of despondency, and yet prior to the last couple of years I had never once questioned our being together.

Not only had I never once questioned our union but I had believed that what we had was a really great relationship – one in fact that I felt was better than most. This belief was built primarily around the fact that we pretty much never argued. Our home ran very smoothly, my partner has always been an amazing help around the house, we have never had to have a conversation about who does what and as my partner loves to cook, he has always done 95% of the cooking. We also shared similar philosophies around how to bring up our son and so even our parenting felt harmonious.

And even though all of these things were still true, there was no way that I was able to sustain the belief that we had a great relationship; that belief had turned to dust, like all beliefs are destined to do.

The esoteric healing session had barely begun before I was crying uncontrollably. My devastation was easy to feel. I shared with my practitioner that I desperately wanted a more intimate relationship with my partner but that he was not able to open up in the way that I wanted him to.

Very matter of factly, my esoteric healing practitioner gently pointed out that all relationship problems were 50/50. As arrogant as this may sound, up until that point I had not considered the fact that I was part of the problem. It was shortly after this that my practitioner delivered ‘the bomb;’ without an ounce of judgement and whilst holding me in absolute love, she suggested that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as my partner. Ok, stop, stop right there I thought, I might be open to having a peek at my part in all of this, but I certainly didn’t have a problem with intimacy, and I told her so! I even went so far as to share that one of my strengths was my ability to get close to people and talk intimately, even with strangers. My amazing practitioner continued to hold me in love and it was only a matter of moments later that I began to doubt what I was saying.

With lightning speed I felt the heavy tarpaulins of illusion that had obscured my ability to see the truth being ripped away. I was able to see very clearly that what I had paraded as ‘intimate sharings’ with others had been nothing other than sanitised pre-recorded monologues that I trolled out uniformly in the clandestine knowledge that it would be enough to give another the impression that I had ‘gone deep,’ and therefore prevent them from digging around themselves. It was also in these pivotal moments that I now understood what one of my closest friends had meant when she shared that I “never got emotional:” what she was really saying was that I “never allowed myself to be intimate.”

I then asked my practitioner a question that was to confirm what she had shared. I asked “What do you mean by intimacy?” to which my practitioner gently replied, “That says it all really.”

It is not an exaggeration to say that in those moments my life changed forever; the blinkers were off now and the light started to pour in. I could see that I had chosen to have a relationship with a man who had problems with intimacy because I HAD A MASSIVE PROBLEM WITH INTIMACY.

By choosing the partner that I did, I guaranteed that I was never going to be asked to be more than the vastly reduced version of me that I had settled for. I could feel that I had built a moat around myself, one that not even I had ventured to cross. And anyhow, if anyone did manage to traverse the moat then they would still have to scale the castle walls whilst dodging a shower of arrows… and who was going to risk that?

In the space of one hour my life and the life of my family had changed irrevocably. As soon as I got in the car I called my partner and with a mixture of relief and euphoria, a torrent of words poured out from my mouth as I shared the details of the session, starting with the fact that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as he did and that I was committed to taking responsibility for my part in any and all of the problems within our relationship.

I came to understand that I can only share with another what I have first shared with myself and that another can only get as close to me as I am prepared to get to myself, because when you think about it, how can anybody possibly get any closer to me than I am? In other words, unless we let ourselves in first then there’s no way that we can let another in.

So I jumped in my moat and got very, very wet. I splashed and thrashed around in the feelings that had always been there and yet I had never allowed myself to explore fully, Initially it was not easy; I had to mechanically drag words out of my body.

l shared with my partner the fact that our hugs had often felt empty, almost as if neither of us were there and that when we went to the cinema to ‘work on our relationship,’ I never felt any closer to him, having sat in the dark for a couple of hours and not talked.

As I committed to deepening my relationship with myself, so too did my incredible partner commit to deepening his relationship with himself; he started to see his own esoteric healing practitioner and has been going ever since. It is our deepening relationships with ourselves that we are able to bring to one another and although the changes have not been particularly quick or easy, we have none the less transformed our relationship from one of stagnation to one that has life marbled all the way through it.

Now I can feel ME in the relationship and I can feel MY PARTNER in the relationship and the exciting thing is I can also feel that there is no end point to our relationship or any relationship for that matter: all relationships are an opportunity to continually go deeper into the belly of Life.

There are countless truths that Serge Benhayon has shared over the years that have stayed in the forefront of my mind.

‘It’s never too late for love’ is one of them.

Published with the permission of my beautiful partner.

By Alexis Stewart, a woman who is coming to remember who she is and in doing so is remembering who we all are, Sydney, Australia

Related Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
Love is all around us if we see, hear and feel it
Building intimacy in your relationships

880 thoughts on “It’s Never Too Late For Love

  1. “I had chosen to have a relationship with a man who had problems with intimacy because I HAD A MASSIVE PROBLEM WITH INTIMACY.” This is gold, it’s so easy to focus on what the other person is or is not doing, not realising that we ourselves may have set up a relationship a certain way based on our own perceived limitations and comforts.

    1. The trouble is Melinda, I had no conscious awareness that I had set up my relationships ‘based on my own perceived limitations and comforts’. The impression I had of myself was in complete contrast to the truth, I saw myself as someone who was naturally good at intimacy (in fact better than most), I thought that I was in a very, very intimate relationship and comfort was definitely not something that I thought that I seeked. God, how wrong was I? Totally duped by a consciousness that has us believing all manner of things, all of which are not true, not true at all. Conned, duped and totally fooled that was me.

      1. Thanks for your reply Alexis, it’s a huge process to open fully to seeing ourselves as we are and not how we perceive ourselves or would like ourselves to be, I know for me in the last few years I have opened more to seeing my part in relationships, sometimes I would embrace that and grow, other times the awareness of my part would come to me but I wouldn’t work with it, and the focus stayed on the disempowerment and experiencing the misery of aspects of my relationships I knew weren’t healthily. It’s an enormous undertaking resurrecting ourselves into full responsibility for our lives, including being willing to see our part in relationships. I know for me the subtle blame and responsibility I can place on others in relationships has been a comfort, an excuse to not grow, and a subtle arrogance also at times. We are learning so much which is why I appreciate this blog so much – so many opportunities to grow together.

      2. Melinda if only we saw life as that, as an ‘opportunity to grow together’ then it would fundamentally change all aspects of how we live our lives. Currently not only do we not see life as an ‘opportunity to grow together’ but we see it as a ‘me vs you’ kind of an affair. We pit ourselves against our own family members, we pit ourselves against our work colleagues, we compete against other clubs, other states and we go to war against other countries. We’ve turned our back on the very basic principles of Life and as a result are living in the ensuing carnage.

  2. ‘she suggested that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as my partner.’ Gosh, yes pointing the finger back to us. It seems so easy to blame the other person and not look at ourselves in relationships. I loved how your practitioner worked with you on this and how you were willing to ‘jump in the moat’ and get very wet, so to speak, looking at everything in how you were with your partner and wow, well the results say it all. Not to say that all relationships will be like this some may come to a natural end and it is for each of us to feel, with the correct support, what is true and what is not.

  3. I love the honesty in this blog and the example of where we can go when we have the courage and humility to admit that we have invested in false ideals and beliefs through the protection of our hurts, are willing to feel those hurts and are open to making different choices.

  4. ‘It is not an exaggeration to say that in those moments my life changed forever; the blinkers were off now and the light started to pour in.’ I love those ‘aha’ moments in whatever form they come, especially when a deeply held belief or pattern is allowed to see the light of day and we can clock just how false they are.. one more chip in the stone of our resistance to the full expression of the love that we are.

  5. I always really squirm when I read this, and it’s not a bad thing, it’s just stepping out of my comfort by taking more responsibility for my side of relationship issues. I also appreciate your honesty, it’s very refreshing and feels delightful to read. From your blog I can see more clearly the changes I need to make to bring more of myself into relationships and develop a deeper relationship with myself – thanks Alexis.

  6. Great realisation Alexis, it makes us live with the realisation we are responsible for everything that happens in our life and when we appreciate this level of Love, and that we are all reflecting as divine beings, we start to see this in others, and then all our relationships become a magical part of our evolution.

  7. This is a brilliant blog because so many of us have been or got to a point where we feel there is more to a relationship or to life. There’s a pull up that says there’s something missing. If we act on those feelings then there is the potential to deepen our relationship with ourselves and all others. When we let our guard down all sort of wonders can and do naturally happen, it is quite magical actually.

    1. Life does have a natural magical quality to it, the fact that we don’t generally have any magic in our lives is simply a reflection of how far from the truth we’re currently choosing to live.

  8. ” . . . all relationships are an opportunity to continually go deeper into the belly of Life.” I love that Alexis as letting other people in is the best thing ever to do! What a wonderful and honest reflection you gave us all!

  9. This is beautiful Alexis and great testament to the fact that love is always within it is our choice to live it or not.

  10. The levels of intimacy that we can go to are, as I am discovering, pretty deep. I find intimacy is one of those things that I too have and still often do struggle with – in other words, I can sense there is another level to go to but then I feel at a loss of how to ‘get’ to it, when in fact it is about surrendering more, being more honest with myself and hence with others too, and so it is about dropping any control or desire to be right or to want to protect any hurts, and being willing to be vulnerable and seen for who I am.

  11. Alexis, this is GOLD: “I came to understand that I can only share with another what I have first shared with myself and that another can only get as close to me as I am prepared to get to myself…” – we often make intimacy about something that someone else is ‘preventing’ for us, but it so does come back to how much we are willing to allow within ourselves first and foremost.

  12. I love this ‘So I jumped in my moat and got very, very wet. I splashed and thrashed around in the feelings that had always been there and yet I had never allowed myself to explore fully, Initially it was not easy; I had to mechanically drag words out of my body.’ not being afraid to look at how we feel and what is going on within. How many of us go through our day pushing our feelings to one side and not go there. Sometimes it takes another’s reflection to see just how we are living and if we are willing to see and feel this then it can allow a shift to take place as well as a healing.

  13. ‘By choosing the partner that I did, I guaranteed that I was never going to be asked to be more than the vastly reduced version of me that I had settled for.’ This is really interesting to read and makes me realise how important it is that we are honest with ourselves and that instead of judging those we are in relationship with that we are open to seeing what behaviours are being reflected to us for us to learn from.

  14. There is nothing like feeling the potential in another and the relationship, then we have to put the work in to keep it evolving; that way our relationships will never be boring or stagnant.

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