It’s Never Too Late For Love

About two and a half years ago I went to see my esoteric healing practitioner to talk specifically about what I felt was the inevitable end of my 23-year relationship with my partner. My usual steady emotional manner had been thrown into disarray and I was what can only be described as an ‘emotional wreck.’ I could see no way of preventing what was going to be a calamity, not only for myself, my partner and our son, but for our friends and family.

My assumed certainty that our relationship had come to an end was borne out of another certainty and that was that I could no longer continue in the relationship as it was. My feeling that there had to be more to this relationship – and all relationships – had been growing for a while and now I was simply unable to ignore it. Thinking about living the rest of my life in the relationship as it was brought up feelings of despondency, and yet prior to the last couple of years I had never once questioned our being together.

Not only had I never once questioned our union but I had believed that what we had was a really great relationship – one in fact that I felt was better than most. This belief was built primarily around the fact that we pretty much never argued. Our home ran very smoothly, my partner has always been an amazing help around the house, we have never had to have a conversation about who does what and as my partner loves to cook, he has always done 95% of the cooking. We also shared similar philosophies around how to bring up our son and so even our parenting felt harmonious.

And even though all of these things were still true, there was no way that I was able to sustain the belief that we had a great relationship; that belief had turned to dust, like all beliefs are destined to do.

The esoteric healing session had barely begun before I was crying uncontrollably. My devastation was easy to feel. I shared with my practitioner that I desperately wanted a more intimate relationship with my partner but that he was not able to open up in the way that I wanted him to.

Very matter of factly, my esoteric healing practitioner gently pointed out that all relationship problems were 50/50. As arrogant as this may sound, up until that point I had not considered the fact that I was part of the problem. It was shortly after this that my practitioner delivered ‘the bomb;’ without an ounce of judgement and whilst holding me in absolute love, she suggested that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as my partner. Ok, stop, stop right there I thought, I might be open to having a peek at my part in all of this, but I certainly didn’t have a problem with intimacy, and I told her so! I even went so far as to share that one of my strengths was my ability to get close to people and talk intimately, even with strangers. My amazing practitioner continued to hold me in love and it was only a matter of moments later that I began to doubt what I was saying.

With lightning speed I felt the heavy tarpaulins of illusion that had obscured my ability to see the truth being ripped away. I was able to see very clearly that what I had paraded as ‘intimate sharings’ with others had been nothing other than sanitised pre-recorded monologues that I trolled out uniformly in the clandestine knowledge that it would be enough to give another the impression that I had ‘gone deep,’ and therefore prevent them from digging around themselves. It was also in these pivotal moments that I now understood what one of my closest friends had meant when she shared that I “never got emotional:” what she was really saying was that I “never allowed myself to be intimate.”

I then asked my practitioner a question that was to confirm what she had shared. I asked “What do you mean by intimacy?” to which my practitioner gently replied, “That says it all really.”

It is not an exaggeration to say that in those moments my life changed forever; the blinkers were off now and the light started to pour in. I could see that I had chosen to have a relationship with a man who had problems with intimacy because I HAD A MASSIVE PROBLEM WITH INTIMACY.

By choosing the partner that I did, I guaranteed that I was never going to be asked to be more than the vastly reduced version of me that I had settled for. I could feel that I had built a moat around myself, one that not even I had ventured to cross. And anyhow, if anyone did manage to traverse the moat then they would still have to scale the castle walls whilst dodging a shower of arrows… and who was going to risk that?

In the space of one hour my life and the life of my family had changed irrevocably. As soon as I got in the car I called my partner and with a mixture of relief and euphoria, a torrent of words poured out from my mouth as I shared the details of the session, starting with the fact that I had just as much of a problem with intimacy as he did and that I was committed to taking responsibility for my part in any and all of the problems within our relationship.

I came to understand that I can only share with another what I have first shared with myself and that another can only get as close to me as I am prepared to get to myself, because when you think about it, how can anybody possibly get any closer to me than I am? In other words, unless we let ourselves in first then there’s no way that we can let another in.

So I jumped in my moat and got very, very wet. I splashed and thrashed around in the feelings that had always been there and yet I had never allowed myself to explore fully, Initially it was not easy; I had to mechanically drag words out of my body.

l shared with my partner the fact that our hugs had often felt empty, almost as if neither of us were there and that when we went to the cinema to ‘work on our relationship,’ I never felt any closer to him, having sat in the dark for a couple of hours and not talked.

As I committed to deepening my relationship with myself, so too did my incredible partner commit to deepening his relationship with himself; he started to see his own esoteric healing practitioner and has been going ever since. It is our deepening relationships with ourselves that we are able to bring to one another and although the changes have not been particularly quick or easy, we have none the less transformed our relationship from one of stagnation to one that has life marbled all the way through it.

Now I can feel ME in the relationship and I can feel MY PARTNER in the relationship and the exciting thing is I can also feel that there is no end point to our relationship or any relationship for that matter: all relationships are an opportunity to continually go deeper into the belly of Life.

There are countless truths that Serge Benhayon has shared over the years that have stayed in the forefront of my mind.

‘It’s never too late for love’ is one of them.

Published with the permission of my beautiful partner.

By Alexis Stewart, a woman who is coming to remember who she is and in doing so is remembering who we all are, Sydney, Australia

Related Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
Love is all around us if we see, hear and feel it
Building intimacy in your relationships

856 thoughts on “It’s Never Too Late For Love

  1. If there’s a problem with a relationship, I want to blame the other person, and if I am able to accept that I am in that relationship too therefore just as much responsible as the other person, I would feel grown up – but what I’ve been noticing recently is that my being “responsible” was rather conditional and there was this expectation that the other also had to look at their part as much as I would. And I am learning that it so does not have to be that way, that I don’t even have to want them to be in a certain way for me to have an issue-free relationship.

  2. ‘Very matter of factly, my esoteric healing practitioner gently pointed out that all relationship problems were 50/50.’ This is a fact that most of us do not want to admit! It is quite amazing that from one honest session everything turned around. Thanks for sharing, Alexis.

  3. This is the true power of a esoteric healing session – being held in the Soul’s love, and being open to the magic of the Soul. Which means on a practical every day level being asked to look at your stuff with as much love, openness and honesty as you can muster, sitting in that moat of unexplored feelings, and letting go of your stuff. Love it.

  4. Your rawness and realness and openness are sooooo inspiring… many of us have these feelings and issues in our relationships, but do not speak about them. We yearn so much for someone to fix our relationships for us, to find someone else who understand us, but we continually deny ad ignore our responsibility concerning Love, The Love for ourselves and others, to be accountable for our behaviour and not seek outside of us for recognition. Here is a beautiful account of a woman who is claiming herself and in so doing, support the whole of humanity to do the same. Woo Hoo!

  5. So many of us in relationships have fallen for the blame game, to quick and easy to point the finger, the problem every time we blame we cut of the very real opportunity of bringing more love and evolving.

  6. We can so easily judge another not realising that we too share the same lack or excess in ourselves. It only takes one out of a couple to want to go deeper and sooner or later a situation will arise that might seem catastrophic but is just allowing the relationship to go deeper if and when the two are ready.

  7. We often do not like the reflections we get but how very beautiful is it that everywhere we go we get reflected something, something for us to understand and learn and grow from.

  8. ‘that belief had turned to dust, like all beliefs are destined to do’ that is a very strong statement and one worth considering deeply as we invest so much in our beliefs and ideals. They seem to be real and more so what reality is all about but they are void of the truth of love. They can only sustain us for a limited amount of time as there will inevitably come a time where it is shown for the falseness that it is. For some this may take years, for others lifetimes but in the grander scope of this Universe it is evident that they will eventually ‘turn to dust’.

  9. Love is timeless as it is free of any conditions, it is ever-present awaiting us to return and embrace it at any moment in time.

  10. That is the beauty about any relationship that there is a reflection in the other that helps us to learn more about ourself.

  11. Always love reading your sharings Alexis there is s beautiful warmth and honesty in how you share. It’s always inspiring and this one is very much a great shining light on how relationships are never stagnant when we are fully engaged in our lives.

  12. Above all what this proves is that there is more to a relationship than ticking all the ideal boxes of “love”. All relationships are what you bring to them as all you experience and feel within yourself is purely your choice never the fault of another.

  13. Just knowing you are part of why a relationship is stagnating offers you the willingness and humbleness to change your part in it. On reflection, whenever I and other people complain of relationships it is all about what the other person is doing wrong. This judgment doesn’t leave any room for coming together or growth.

  14. I totally agree that relationships don’t really end whether you still see someone or not, they are always in your heart – if you are, if not the you are unaware of it, and we are all part of the one “soup” of humanity and every choice we make affects everyone in the soup, always. Sometimes the soup gets stirred about in the configurations and constellations of who is partnered with who, but we are still all in this together.

  15. The depth of the closeness we have in our relationships with others is a direct reflection of the closeness we have in our relationship with ourselves.

  16. I love how we can explore these issues and realise that there is so much more to what we are feeling. If we were to jump to the first reaction here, for example by leaving the relationship, then we would not get the opportunity to learn and grow deeper within ourselves first and offer this in the relationship to the other – which would be an amazing blessing for both!

  17. “Unless we let ourselves in first then there’s no way that we can let another in” – this is the key in developing intimacy.

  18. This is both funny and deeply touching, thank you Alexis. How we get ourselves into scrapes! I’ve been in some similar situations myself, I go into false beliefs myself of where I’m at and completely obscure the view of the truth. The humility that comes when we get exposed is so wonderful. When I’ve been aligned to a lofty belief about myself and the bubble has been burst it’s actually been a relief. Quite frankly, after reading your blog I feel I still have a few! It reminds me of a saying I’ve heard which is quite apt “When you point a finger at someone else three of your own fingers are pointing back at you.”

  19. Great sharing Alexis, what really stood out when reading this is how we can set things up to avoid the very thing we should be looking at which will inevitably evolve us. Being open and honest is the first step to seeing our part in a situation and then taking responsibility for how it’s played out in life.

  20. It’s quite common for us to give up on things and think the damage is done or it’s too late to make changes. This article shows that this is nowhere near the truth if we are prepared to go to honesty and stay with the process.

  21. Beautiful and inspirational Alexis. We often think that the problem between two people, is caused by somebody else. But could it be that the problem is also caused by ourselves? That seems like a general law to me

  22. “I could see that I had chosen to have a relationship with a man who had problems with intimacy because I HAD A MASSIVE PROBLEM WITH INTIMACY.” I love the realness of this realization. What we have not healed within ourselves will always we reflected by another and this can come out as annoyance with the other. Those are the moments that we have to dig deeper within ourselves.

  23. Alexis many revelations in one such blog. I know myself I too have fallen for the illusion that it is my partner rather then me holding back in intimacy. Once we do start to see clearly and see our part in it as much as our partner we can make head way into building a gorgeous, loving and truly intimate relationship – none of which is possible without that first call of self honesty.

    1. Determinedly holding on to the belief that it’s ‘someone else’s problem’ or that it’s an external situation that is the problem, and not us, creates the perfect smokescreen for us to not look at our own part in things and how we are in and with it. Letting go of the blame and being prepared to look at our part in things is the only way to move out of the rut and back into life- however uncomfortable a journey that might be to begin with.

  24. “now I can feel me, I can feel my partner” – This should be taught in Intimacy 101. We are so often looking out at the other, looking at what they are not giving us and yet how can love come back to us when it is not being shared in the first place?

  25. I cannot but wonder how many other couples have come to the threshold just as you did with your partner Alexis and separated when the potential of their relationship could have been completely resurrected to set a more solid foundation that allows both of them to continue to deepen and evolve to a whole new level… together and in complete unity and respect of each others potential.

    1. I would hazard a guess Suse that there is a lot, because from my experience I would say that the blame game feels like a very narrow path. As the thoughts and feelings of ‘it’s their fault, they’ve got the problem, they’ll never change’ intensify, so too do the chances of reconciliation dwindle and from there the easiest thing for most people to do, is to call it a day. But what I realise is that had I walked away from the relationship when I felt like it was my only option, then so too would I have walked away from a golden opportunity to address something in me that I have avoided for years and possibly lifetimes.

      1. To walk away from a relationship without resolving underlying issues within ourselves guarantees we’ll meet the same problems next time round.

      2. Agreed Kehinde, not only that but it also guarantees that we’ll carry the issue around in our bodies until we choose to sort it out. It’s not as if, when we have an issue we reach for the issue in that moment and pull it in for use, our issues are within us, until such time as they’re not.

      3. Thank you Alexis, this deepens our understanding of why similar situations come round again: issues stay with us and in our bodies until such time we choose to resolve them.

  26. The word arrogance comes up a few times in this blog and I love how in your sharing it seems completely normal and justified because so much of what you share about your normal was ‘good’. Yet underneath that ‘good’ and that ideal of living well is a judgment that cements an arrogance. What you have shared here is gold for all of us, thank you.

    1. Relationships are based on purpose but often that purpose is avoidance. Avoidance of intimacy, avoidance of responsibility, avoidance of honesty, avoidance of love, avoidance of commitment and so the list continues……..

  27. A gorgeous sharing Alexis, in taking responsibility for our own part in the relationship, opening up to to be honest, thereby allowing that honesty to be our pathway to true intimacy.

  28. The things I have done and still do to avoid intimacy are countless. Wanting another to be different, not accepting their compliments, not sharing what I actually feel and this also entails how much I truly love him or her and the biggest of all: not show myself in my full power.

    1. It’s huge Monika, thank you for your list as I can relate to each one. As always the responsibility lies with us to change. Because any relationship involves one other we can very easily see the need for change (or place blame) outside of ourselves, instead of looking within and making changes. With a focus on what we receive we may miss the beauty of our purpose in relationships and what we can bring.

  29. Gorgeous Alexis, it starts with us seeing our part, and being willing to be honest about it and take responsibility and then we create the space for both a greater relationship with us and with others.

  30. Indeed the ability to feel me first goes a long way in filling the empty void that I tried to fill with the engagement with another.

  31. So interesting how this exposes that we walk around with a whole picture of why things are the way they are, but if we have not seen our own role in it, with clarity and a deep deep honesty, then we can walk around blind, and our perception of everything is totally twisted to that picture. A small pin prick and the facade comes tumbling down, and then we are faced with a whole new view!

  32. When we find love within ourselves it’s possible to heal fractured family relationships, not by doing, trying or having expectations, but accepting what is and appreciating the learning on offer.

  33. I love the guiding light and wisdom offered by your esoteric practitioner” ‘all relationship problems are 50/50″. True healing is possible when we take full responsibility for the relationship quality we’ve created.

    1. I agree Kehinde, wisdom to live by, it can be uncomfortable to realise our stake as 50% in relationships, but that discomfort is a good sign of the potential evolution and growth on offer.

      1. ‘Discomfort is a good sign of the potential evolution and growth on offer’, I wholeheartedly agree Melinda. In fact I often try and sniff out the situations that are going to cause me discomfort, even if they are decidedly unpalatable because I know that they often hold unbridled possibilities for evolution and change.

  34. This is so inspiring and shows how much illusion we can live in and what miracles are possible when we really let go of all the protection.

    1. This blog shares so many gems. I also love the one about that we are always equally responsible for where our relationship is at and the problems that might be at hand. Sometimes I just want to be right and as soon as i observe that in myself I make sure I first come back to me and look at my part in this situation. For blaming and right and wrong are never love.

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