I have had a deep yearning that craved to be in true relationship with others that was meaningful, supportive and loving and for which I have spent my life seeking but never truly established because I had not first developed love or acceptance of myself – I was expecting it to come from another initially. I was afraid to truly be loved and to be love.
All of my relationships were a great distraction from not feeling or taking responsibility for my choices. I blamed others for my not feeling loved, accepted or appreciated – imposing my own insecurities and lack of self-worth onto another.
When I finally stopped, realised there was more, that I’d lived a pattern throughout my life and had been given plenty of opportunities to be loved and have true friendships, only to push them away, I realised that it was no-one else’s fault but my own. With that came an opportunity to make a change, to begin chipping away at the wall I had built around myself, to let people in and to learn to love, accept and appreciate myself. I am no longer keeping myself and my body in a state of protection and hardness, hiding myself away from the one thing I always wanted – to be loved.
I would only let people see as much of me as I felt was safe, in case they may hurt me, let me down in some way – I was holding them to ransom you could say, just in case. Crazy, because I have come to realise that by doing this I am actually hurting myself more than anyone else ever could.
How could I be truly loved by another if I was not first truly loving myself?
Observing how much I kept people at bay in the past, I am now more open to how I am with others and with myself. I can now feel that as a result of the choices made in the past I have been holding my body in hardness all of these years.
In developing awareness of whether I am being guarded or protected, I feel if my body is tense or relaxed: am I allowing another to see how fragile, vulnerable and gentle I truly am? Am I letting go of the protection and allowing myself to be seen, flaws and all; not expecting myself to be perfect or fit into any boxes?
I want to have true relationships and to be and feel loved and I now know none of this is going to happen unless it begins with me. I have started observing my body, such as my posture, stance, and tone of voice or if there is unease when I am around others. I am also noticing if I go into any form of judgement or comparison of another, an awkward conversation, or if I simply go into avoidance and walk the long way so I do not have to be around another.
These simple observations are small steps that are allowing me to open up and be aware of things that in the past I would never have thought to do.
I am now beginning to love myself, to accept who I am and know that my imperfections are actually perfections and they are what supports me to grow and evolve, that ‘all of me’ is what is required to live, that there is and should be no part of me that I do not accept, that all of me is worth being loved, that all of me is what another wants to love.
I have by no means mastered this. It is an ongoing development, one I am committed to and getting ongoing support with to stop going into the past patterns I created. It is easy to hold back, to keep others at bay, but how that feels in my body is not easy. For me there is a huge level of discomfort I feel in my body when I hold back, now that I am aware of it. I am also aware of the choices I have been making and how they impact on me, my family and everyone around me.
Having a reflection of what it is to be truly open, transparent and loving is not something I see or feel every day, but when I do I am inspired to live in and with the same quality. Universal Medicine presentations and the ongoing love from Serge Benhayon and his family provide a ginormous reflection that supports me to feel what it is to be truly loving.
I am left pondering on why we do not let others in and why are we so afraid to truly be loved, and why such amazing qualities of tenderness, gentleness and vulnerability are hidden and held back, all in fear of being hurt.
The tears I have cried over my life have not been from the lack of love of another, but for the love I have not given or allowed myself to feel. A love that I have missed and longed for, which has always been there, but have not until recently decided to let myself feel.
Beginning to surrender, allowing myself to be and live all of these incredible qualities, I feel I am only now beginning to develop true relationships with others and myself.
By Nicole Serafin, Woman, Wife, Mother, Self-employed hairdresser and Business owner