Why are we so Afraid to Truly be Loved?

I have had a deep yearning that craved to be in true relationship with others that was meaningful, supportive and loving and for which I have spent my life seeking but never truly established because I had not first developed love or acceptance of myself – I was expecting it to come from another initially. I was afraid to truly be loved and to be love.

All of my relationships were a great distraction from not feeling or taking responsibility for my choices. I blamed others for my not feeling loved, accepted or appreciated – imposing my own insecurities and lack of self-worth onto another.

When I finally stopped, realised there was more, that I’d lived a pattern throughout my life and had been given plenty of opportunities to be loved and have true friendships, only to push them away, I realised that it was no-one else’s fault but my own. With that came an opportunity to make a change, to begin chipping away at the wall I had built around myself, to let people in and to learn to love, accept and appreciate myself. I am no longer keeping myself and my body in a state of protection and hardness, hiding myself away from the one thing I always wanted – to be loved.

I would only let people see as much of me as I felt was safe, in case they may hurt me, let me down in some way – I was holding them to ransom you could say, just in case. Crazy, because I have come to realise that by doing this I am actually hurting myself more than anyone else ever could.

How could I be truly loved by another if I was not first truly loving myself?

Observing how much I kept people at bay in the past, I am now more open to how I am with others and with myself. I can now feel that as a result of the choices made in the past I have been holding my body in hardness all of these years.

In developing awareness of whether I am being guarded or protected, I feel if my body is tense or relaxed: am I allowing another to see how fragile, vulnerable and gentle I truly am? Am I letting go of the protection and allowing myself to be seen, flaws and all; not expecting myself to be perfect or fit into any boxes?

I want to have true relationships and to be and feel loved and I now know none of this is going to happen unless it begins with me. I have started observing my body, such as my posture, stance, and tone of voice or if there is unease when I am around others. I am also noticing if I go into any form of judgement or comparison of another, an awkward conversation, or if I simply go into avoidance and walk the long way so I do not have to be around another.

These simple observations are small steps that are allowing me to open up and be aware of things that in the past I would never have thought to do.

I am now beginning to love myself, to accept who I am and know that my imperfections are actually perfections and they are what supports me to grow and evolve, that ‘all of me’ is what is required to live, that there is and should be no part of me that I do not accept, that all of me is worth being loved, that all of me is what another wants to love.

I have by no means mastered this. It is an ongoing development, one I am committed to and getting ongoing support with to stop going into the past patterns I created. It is easy to hold back, to keep others at bay, but how that feels in my body is not easy. For me there is a huge level of discomfort I feel in my body when I hold back, now that I am aware of it. I am also aware of the choices I have been making and how they impact on me, my family and everyone around me.

Having a reflection of what it is to be truly open, transparent and loving is not something I see or feel every day, but when I do I am inspired to live in and with the same quality. Universal Medicine presentations and the ongoing love from Serge Benhayon and his family provide a ginormous reflection that supports me to feel what it is to be truly loving.

I am left pondering on why we do not let others in and why are we so afraid to truly be loved, and why such amazing qualities of tenderness, gentleness and vulnerability are hidden and held back, all in fear of being hurt.

The tears I have cried over my life have not been from the lack of love of another, but for the love I have not given or allowed myself to feel. A love that I have missed and longed for, which has always been there, but have not until recently decided to let myself feel.

Beginning to surrender, allowing myself to be and live all of these incredible qualities, I feel I am only now beginning to develop true relationships with others and myself.

By Nicole Serafin, Woman, Wife, Mother, Self-employed hairdresser and Business owner

Related Reading:
Serge Benhayon Raises The Bar On Relationships
What is a True Relationship and How Does that Feel?
Being your own valentine – real love begins with YOU!



674 thoughts on “Why are we so Afraid to Truly be Loved?

  1. Why have I been afraid to love myself? I asked myself last night. At some point I’ve picked up that everything that is not loving in the world (which is a lot) is bigger than me when connected to the love that I am, and to do so is a risky move. Problem with this is that when I am loving myself, when I am love, anything that isn’t love can’t touch the sides. Is this fear based on a lie perhaps? I reckon so.

  2. I feel this is a very powerful blog, I have been quietly sitting with what is on offer here and have come to the realisation that when we reject true love we are not rejecting the other person but rejecting ourselves because somewhere within us we do not feel worthy of such a depth of love. If the thoughts I have are not mine but are a consciousness passing through me then the question has to be why am I picking up negative thoughts and not the positive thoughts that are also passing through. Is it possible there is a configuration in my body that picks up negative thoughts over the positive thoughts without me even realising this.

  3. “In developing awareness of whether I am being guarded or protected, I feel if my body is tense or relaxed: am I allowing another to see how fragile, vulnerable and gentle I truly am?” I have started developing a deeper relationship with my body, being more aware and present with my body, which is actually being more present with myself as a being, and allowing myself to feel how I truly am, not just physically but on every level. What I have been noticing is I am much more allowing of my vulnerability when I am connected to my body and present. This is also offering a change in my relationships to bring more of the whole me.

  4. My heart lights with Joy Nicole, as I read what is being shared because as we allow and observe we can then accept who we are and surrender to a forever-deepening-love.

  5. Nicole What you have shared with us is very true, I’m not sure that we appreciate just how much we are controlled by our patterns that we bring in from previous lives and have no awareness of.

  6. I chuckled when you mention walking the long way round so you don’t have to say hello because just before I read it I realized I was standing in a queue with someone I used to work with and for some bizarre reason I looked down!! So much to learn in life … what a pleasure.

  7. Nicole there is a real flow to what you have shared and that flow feels like it comes from you and your back and forth interaction with life as you allow yourself out and as a result allow life in. So, so beautiful to feel.

  8. Thank you Nicole, it’s a truly tremendous read. I realised as I read your blog that it’s truly loving to not need anything from others, but instead to embrace the love I am and be that with others.

  9. A blessing to leave behind the clingy version of love that leaves us feeling small, inadequate and always wanting more from another. True love is abundant and equally available to all, our first responsibility is to embrace and love ourselves.

  10. When we are ‘confronted’ by true love from another, we get to feel the very depth of love that we hold for ourselves and for others. Now this may not be as deep as the one being offered to us, in which case it can be confronting to feel as it exposes those parts of us that have not yet gone to the deeper part of love that we naturally can hold.

    1. I’m fascinated by the way we can just fob off the love that is shown to us by saying to ourselves they don’t mean it or convincing ourselves we don’t deserve such love and so reject what’s being offered. I am puzzled at the way we hold people at bay, what negative energy are we running with that enables us to do this and where did that negativity originate from? We can say we were hurt but what is behind the hurt we are feeling?

  11. There is only One Love and it cannot be owned, personalised or attached to and any attempt to do so corrupts it of its true essence, One Love is above human, it is universal, beholds, a constant flow available equally to all of us

      1. I was in the company recently of someone who is so humble because they have that understanding that the love they express is coming through them and is not owned by them. Everyone is bathed in the love that just pours through. It is the most exquisite sensation to be in such company as I know I am feeling and a witness to the love of God on earth.

      2. Mary that feels amazing to read and it must be truly heavenly to experience. And, a beautiful reminder that we all come from and can connect to and share this same love.

  12. It is said that ‘Love changes everything’ but this love is not emotional. it is universal and beholds, not one, but all.

  13. Today I am deeply appreciating my true friendships in my life knowing how much they actually care for me as I for them. A lot of things have been coming up lately of also not feeling met or loved by others. However what you say here is so true that at first it is surrendering to the love within and loving ourselves deeply.

    1. When we surrender to the love within and say ‘I am Love’, we no longer seek love from outside ourselves, we feel full and complete. And when we feel full and complete, the focus moves to appreciation of all that we are and knowing we have so much to bring to others.

  14. Romantic films and fairy tales are being told the other way around. There is no one who can bring love to us, we are not empty vases waiting desperatlety to be filled. We are love, a pure and an endless emanation of it. So why are we so afraid to truly be loved?

  15. ‘I am now beginning to love myself, to accept who I am and know that my imperfections are actually perfections and they are what supports me to grow and evolve, that ‘all of me’ is what is required to live, that there is and should be no part of me that I do not accept, that all of me is worth being loved, that all of me is what another wants to love.’

    Nicole your words resonates inside me as truth and inspires me so much, thank you

    I appreciate the rawness and honesty in your sharing. The humbleness in recognizing that all of you is worth being loved. How freeing is to realize that imperfections are there to support us to grow. And such a blessing we can be for ourselves and others when we admitt that we are ‘the one’ who we ever expected to care and adore us.

  16. I have observed similar things with myself in how I am in relationships. I very much appreciate the simple observations you have been making that are assisting you on your path to more open and loving relationships.

    1. I agree with you Fumiyo that to withhold love from ourselves is very self-abusive and many people self abuse in the misguided belief that it is better to annihilate oneself rather than letting someone else annihilate them. This is the illusion that we have bought into which sets up a pattern that is then difficult to let go off. Most of us live with ingrained patterns that influence how we move which keeps us in the patterns that are so familiar that we do not question them as we think this is who we are.

  17. It’s such a relevant topic, what could be more important for us to sort out than our relationship with love? I know for me I am not yet able to be fully transparent and let people in, it’s a step by step healing process though with things coming to my awareness regularly to help me understand why and what the hurts are.

  18. It is no surprise I am reading this blog after at the end of the day, reflecting how, I still do not fully let people in completely in. Yet absolutely nothing is stopping me from doing so. The crazy games we play .. at what cost? … our own 😶

  19. “The tears I have cried over my life have not been from the lack of love of another, but for the love I have not given or allowed myself to feel.” It has taken me a long time to come to this truth and realise that this is how most of us behave…setting up an impossible scenario for true love to enter.

  20. So many of us go to great lengths to avoid feeling and expressing love but love is the one thing we crave the most. I have often wondered why we do this, after attending Serge Benhayon’s presentations on the spirit and soul he explains this so clearly. Now, I understand what is at play when we hold back being love and I have less judgement on loveless behaviours due to a deeper understanding of what is going on.

    1. I agree Esther, and it is exhausting to put up this fight and then we go searching for love high and low outside ourselves.

  21. We can be our own worst critic and judge ourselves very harshly. When we start to be love we discover just how harsh our thoughts have been towards ourselves. It makes sense that we can never truly love another if we do not love ourselves first.

    1. Definitely Julie. Once we are aware about this harshness towards ourselves and allow us to feel it in to our body we just have to say no to it. In my experience, a significant before and after happens after a step up like this.

  22. When we are at one with the love we are hurts do not exist, protection is not needed as the power of love is a superlative divine force like no other. It is only our will to step away from our connection to this quality and drop our vibration, that we take on a lesser existence and lose sense of who we truly are. It is not always easy to admit what we have chosen to leave behind when we begin to return to feeling the stupendousness, freedom and all-encompassing and ever-present power that love is.

  23. How truly wonderful to feel that we are loving beings and we only need to accept and appreciate this and understand that we have not made life about this beingness but instead about patterns, beliefs and momentums which only held us away from our beingness (that is love).

    1. There is a flow to love and in the flow there is a sense of joy that is so great you just giggle as you walk along because if feels so grand to be alive and have living within our bodies such contentment.

  24. When we enter a relationship there are many things we assume about ourselves and others which are not true. And, yet, we expect true love from it. The truth is that there is a long-standing relationship with untruth that is taxing us.

  25. I’ve recently understood deeper that it’s not that others can hurt me. It’s that they show me where and how I have hurt myself. The lack of love and awaress I react to in others is my own reflection.

    1. Great sharing Leigh and what a beautiful way to learn from our hurts, without any blame but with a huge dose of responsibility and love.

  26. When being truly loved we are exposed at the lack of love we have for ourselves; a very necessary revelation while holding onto the illusion that it would be possible to be saved by the love of someone else like the maiden by the knight in shining armour.

  27. Yes, Nicole, we are only hurting ourselves by holding onto hurts, as we are missing out on the love that is inevitable when we open our hearts.

  28. In answer to the title of your blog: ‘Why are we so Afraid to Truly be Loved?’ If we allow true love in, the whole world changes. It is like you look at everybody and the world with new eyes and a new marker in your body. It made me realize that I have all the love I have been looking for inside, but also that I can share this love with everybody and can’t keep it reserved for one or a selected few. It changed the way my body feels and how I am with my body and it gave the words space and responsibility new meaning.

    1. I love what you share here ‘it made me realize that I have all the love I have been looking for inside, but also that I can share this love with everybody and can’t keep it reserved for one or a selected few.’ It has also made me ponder on do I reserve this love for a selected few … where I have come to the conclusion no but I do have people in my life I am closer to than others which I guess everyone has.

  29. It feels to me that we’re only afraid of being loved when we’re afraid of connecting to our bodies and allowing ourselves to feel whatever is there – be it layers of emotions, or old patterns and reactions to how we are in life. But by connecting to the body, bit by bit we get to feel that there is more to us than the surface swirling emotions, the apparent highs and lows of daily life.. underneath all of that is a deep well of steadiness, and love. We seek to find it outside of ourselves, yet we already have it – in plentiful supply- within.

  30. When we can feel that we are holding another at a distance it also means there is a part of us that is avoiding loving ourselves more deeply too – at least this is what I have experienced and once I let myself be more honest and feel that I am safe to deepen my own connection, then this makes it so much easier to do likewise with others.

  31. When we lack love for ourselves, then we are more likely to accept another treating us in a way that is not loving, but as we learn to love ourselves more then it is like raising the love standard and not allowing or accepting anything (in terms of behaviour from self or others) that may be below that standard. This is something I have observed over the years with myself and how as I grow and learn to be more loving with myself, this also needs to be reflected in the way I treat others as well as my boundaries with others and my capacity to say no, lovingly so.

  32. Allowing ourselves to be loved starts with simply appreciating… Both expressing appreciation, and allowing ourselves to be appreciated… I know this sounds really simple but this is the start, it has an extraordinary effect upon our bodies, our hearts and our energetic system that lays the foundation for a deeper connection which of course leads to self-love.

  33. Seeing our imperfections as something to embrace allows us to maximise the learning on offer. When we’re in the hardness of trying to be perfect, there is no room for making mistakes, and no room for expansion, either. Letting go, allowing ourselves to make mistakes and to learn, opens us up to a deeper and richer relationship with ourselves, and the possibility for that with others, too.

  34. I had some interesting conversations this weekend about wanting our partners to be or do all the things we weren’t doing. Whether it was being more honest, more loving, less in comfort or reflecting God and how demanding it was to not go there ourselves and blaming them for not doing it.

      1. I experienced afterwards how super empowering and setting free was is to look at my own hurts and issues and take responsibility for healing them. As a bonus, all of a sudden so much intimacy in sharing about this process with the close friend as well.

  35. I am experiencing that every issue with love, expression and letting it in, is coming from me and never it is the other person. At times it seemed almost impossible that it was my lack of love for myself, but when I looked deeper at the way I moved, thought about myself and how I saw myself in relation to others clearly shows there was indeed something for me to heal and change.

    1. Thank you for your honest sharing Lieke, and it’s a very practical approach to assessing where we are not love for ourselves.

  36. “The tears I have cried over my life have not been from the lack of love of another, but for the love I have not given or allowed myself to feel.” This is all too common Nicole and certainly something I know very well. But the more we allow love to come in, the more we are able to deepen that love for ourselves, and this is where the true healing lies.

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