Raw and Uncut

Sometime ago while attending one of the Universal Medicine presentations, I got to talking with a dear lady friend of mine, sharing our experiences. As we talked I became aware of how close our bodies were to each other. We were standing in the hallway, which was quite crowded with people going to and fro. Being this close and looking into my friend’s big deep blue eyes felt very intimate and beautiful.

As we continued sharing I sensed a feeling come over my body. It was as if a shadow had passed through me and in its passing I could feel it pulling me back into hiding, a very familiar way I had lived my life and not just this life, but for many lives.

I was born into this world with a disease called Neurofibromatosis – it was very mild and not picked up until my sixties – which I feel was the result of a complete denial of my light, the truth of who I am deep within and where I truly come from.

It was interesting to see the path I took as a young child of wanting to serve God. I grew up with the idea that self-sacrifice for the good of others was ‘good,’ with none of ‘me’. I didn’t want a ‘me’, and that is exactly what it was, I was caught up in the being ‘good’ and doing ‘good,’ with none of my true self. Religion for me was a perfect place to hide, a huge illusion of thinking I was with God doing his work while all the time hiding and denying my light.

I went and stayed with another dear friend that night after the talk and pondered on what had taken place. The next morning I awoke with these words, “I want to be raw and uncut.” They were such powerful words for me, I wanted to hide no more, I wanted all of me seen just as I am, no apologies, this was me, I am enough, and I am ok.

During my life I was always apologising, saying sorry for this or that; even if it wasn’t my fault so to speak, it was like I was apologising for even being here on earth and breathing air.

The uncut part was interesting, it was like a movie going through the editing process where the story would be reviewed and little by little the undesirable parts or the parts that did not fit into what the movie wanted to convey, were cut out.

This was my life, literally cut to pieces with all the parts that made me real and a part of this world, cut out, discarded unacknowledged. Why? Because they did not fit the picture of the ‘good’ and the ‘right,’ the picture I had been sold and had taken on, as the way to God.

So what did not fit in with the ‘picture’ of ‘good’ did not even exist in my line of sight; I was like one of the three wise monkeys not wanting to hear, see, or speak what life was really about. I wanted to be perfect. I held onto the bible text that said “Whatsoever is good true and holy, think on these things.” So you see this cut out a lot of life by putting on those rose coloured glasses. Of course I often slipped and fell from the ‘good’ and the ‘right’ which brought with it times of regret, remorse and condemnation, and then a needing of God’s forgiveness for never being good enough.

Looking back now, from where I am today. I just shake my head at how empty and in denial I was to have taken this on and all in the name of God. But what God? Not the true God that I have come to now know, the God who touches my heart and holds me in absolute love, but a false God – one who judges and condemns, with no love or compassion for the fragility of my being.

I have come across people in my life that I have felt drawn to, simply because of their openness, their realness, showing the rawness in just being who they are, no apologies no excuses. In them I saw an honesty that I was not able to give myself because I was so tied up, literally, with the ‘good’ and ‘right.’

Since I have come to know that I am not what I do, that life is not about the good and the right but about a connection to who I truly am in my inner heart, I am, piece by piece, able to cut the ties that have bound my beautiful precious being from living the realness of who I truly am.

I can now allow myself to feel that whatever comes up for me, that it is ok, in the knowing that I now have a choice in that moment to feel without judgment the fragility and vulnerability, the rawness in my body, with an honesty that I had not allowed myself to feel before. And oh, what freedom to just be, with no perfection needed whatsoever.

By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, Australia

Related Reading:
Living a religious life – connecting to the divine within
Stories from people in religion, who look just like you and me
My Connection to God and Finding Real Religion

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Spara

850 thoughts on “Raw and Uncut

  1. I have noticed recently people coming close to me or asking me to be close to them. At times I could feel a little a discomfort in my body however I chose to work through it immediately allowing myself to drop deeper into my body to feel the intimacy between myself and the other. I held myself setting a marker of physically being close to another and feeling comfortable in my own skin. It is indeed very beautiful when we allow ourselves to connect more deeply to one another by addressing what comes up within us.

  2. I so recognise apologising for being alive, which I now know to be a total waste of time and a cop-out for not shinning. Adhering to any lies that say we are worthless is such a waste and I look forward to the day when we raise our children to hold onto the love that they are and know.

  3. Do we ever ask how God was changed from pure absolute unconditional love into a judgemental and vengeful God. Its hand came from Rome and the institution has never been held accountable for this huge evil perpetrated on mankind.

  4. A lot of people are fascinated by bloopers and out-takes from movies. We want to see what goes on behind the scenes. Perhaps this shows we are all aware, consciously or otherwise, that our lives are an edited version and we are missing out on the real, uncut version.

  5. ‘Good’ and ‘right’- just reading these words to describe how we live conjures a lot of discomfort. We are walking around so far from our realness and truth. What would happen if we edged into being ‘Raw and uncut’ instead?

  6. I can very much relate Jill. We can walk around being all sorts of things to all sorts of people, but are we being real? Is this truth? Have we scratched the surface of who we are beyond all the things we’ve tried and pretended to be?

  7. Self-sacrificing for the good of others may sound as pure altruism. But, it is a strategy that has self at both its core and its primary goal (the idea of keeping self in a very downgraded position) fed by the recognition given by others.

  8. Living with teenagers has really exposed where I do good and right and wrong. All they want is for us to be ‘raw and uncut’ because their radar for lies and hypocrisy is full on. I can remember when I was a teenager how I craved adults just saying the truth and hated game playing.

  9. The need for perfectionism is not something that comes from the soul because the soul knows we cannot be perfect in this plane of life.

  10. Being caught up in being ‘good’ and ‘right.’ is a killer. It crushes so much of our natural beautiful joyful playful powerful delicate truth bringing selves.

  11. Allowing oneself to see all there is to see about oneself is very helpful in finding out and unraveling all those habits that we have adapted to cope with this world.

  12. I love the revelation you have come to here Jill. Being identified with what we do and measuring ourself by this, serves only to remove and separate us from the innermost essence. How liberating to be aware that ‘What we do is NOT who we are’.
    “Since I have come to know that I am not what I do, that life is not about the good and the right but about a connection to who I truly am in my inner heart, I am, piece by piece, able to cut the ties that have bound my beautiful precious being from living the realness of who I truly am”.

  13. How beautiful and deeply inspiring this is Jill, from being governed by ideals and beliefs of perfectionism, nice, and good, to the revelation of being the truth of who you really are. “I want to be raw and uncut.” They were such powerful words for me, I wanted to hide no more, I wanted all of me seen just as I am, no apologies, this was me, I am enough, and I am ok.

  14. It is great to expose the ‘internal editor’ that is always changing, editing, cutting and adding according to what is seen and felt from the outside. It is not much different than the photoshopping that is being used everywhere these days, the raw truth is being covered with a sleek veneer that we say is beautiful but through its emptiness (as not from within) comes nowhere near the true beauty that is in our rawness.

  15. There is nothing more honoring of God and humanity then being all of who we are, raw and uncut in all the beauty, glory and magnificence.

  16. Slowing ourselves to be totally transparent is like taking the lid off, and when we live in that transparency of being all that we are, we realise that there is no need to hide.

  17. Coming closer to ones own soul means deepening the intimacy with everyone at the same time. Reconnecting to this intimacy and letting go of the pressure of needing to play a role or to protect towards another is pure joy to me.

  18. When we are open to being and sharing all that we are we can meet and inspire others to feel the joy of appreciating all that they are.

    1. As our body is open and don´t absorb situations in the outside but observing from a stillness point of view. That doesn´t change the incident, but we have more space to handle the situation and read what is truly energetically going on, before we might get drawn or pulled into the humanly story.

    2. I would agree Elizabeth as in the allowing ourselves to be open we can see all that is coming at us exactly for what it truly is and from the connection within ourselves we will know exactly how to deal with it.

  19. The absoluteness of your self-acceptance, Jill, is inspiring. It is so freeing to no longer be bound by the shackles of self-loathing and even condemnation, but instead open up to the truth that God has been lovingly holding us without judgement the whole time and it was only we who banished ourselves from the grace of love.

  20. Being good and right is a total killjoy but gets so many of us. Awesome work on stepping outside the vicious hold of ‘good and right’ and returning to live as you.

    1. Going into right and wrong is so sneaky sometimes. Claiming a truth and not seeing it as right and comparing it to another as right is a very fine line. I am exploring and learning every day as it is something so ingrained and familiar to go into.

    2. It sure is Sarah, judgement is also a massive killjoy. I’ve been letting it go bit by bit and I’ve found how exhausting it is to hold myself and others in. But I’m finding all emotions are exhausting and take us further away from love.

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