Raw and Uncut

Sometime ago while attending one of the Universal Medicine presentations, I got to talking with a dear lady friend of mine, sharing our experiences. As we talked I became aware of how close our bodies were to each other. We were standing in the hallway, which was quite crowded with people going to and fro. Being this close and looking into my friend’s big deep blue eyes felt very intimate and beautiful.

As we continued sharing I sensed a feeling come over my body. It was as if a shadow had passed through me and in its passing I could feel it pulling me back into hiding, a very familiar way I had lived my life and not just this life, but for many lives.

I was born into this world with a disease called Neurofibromatosis – it was very mild and not picked up until my sixties – which I feel was the result of a complete denial of my light, the truth of who I am deep within and where I truly come from.

It was interesting to see the path I took as a young child of wanting to serve God. I grew up with the idea that self-sacrifice for the good of others was ‘good,’ with none of ‘me’. I didn’t want a ‘me’, and that is exactly what it was, I was caught up in the being ‘good’ and doing ‘good,’ with none of my true self. Religion for me was a perfect place to hide, a huge illusion of thinking I was with God doing his work while all the time hiding and denying my light.

I went and stayed with another dear friend that night after the talk and pondered on what had taken place. The next morning I awoke with these words, “I want to be raw and uncut.” They were such powerful words for me, I wanted to hide no more, I wanted all of me seen just as I am, no apologies, this was me, I am enough, and I am ok.

During my life I was always apologising, saying sorry for this or that; even if it wasn’t my fault so to speak, it was like I was apologising for even being here on earth and breathing air.

The uncut part was interesting, it was like a movie going through the editing process where the story would be reviewed and little by little the undesirable parts or the parts that did not fit into what the movie wanted to convey, were cut out.

This was my life, literally cut to pieces with all the parts that made me real and a part of this world, cut out, discarded unacknowledged. Why? Because they did not fit the picture of the ‘good’ and the ‘right,’ the picture I had been sold and had taken on, as the way to God.

So what did not fit in with the ‘picture’ of ‘good’ did not even exist in my line of sight; I was like one of the three wise monkeys not wanting to hear, see, or speak what life was really about. I wanted to be perfect. I held onto the bible text that said “Whatsoever is good true and holy, think on these things.” So you see this cut out a lot of life by putting on those rose coloured glasses. Of course I often slipped and fell from the ‘good’ and the ‘right’ which brought with it times of regret, remorse and condemnation, and then a needing of God’s forgiveness for never being good enough.

Looking back now, from where I am today. I just shake my head at how empty and in denial I was to have taken this on and all in the name of God. But what God? Not the true God that I have come to now know, the God who touches my heart and holds me in absolute love, but a false God – one who judges and condemns, with no love or compassion for the fragility of my being.

I have come across people in my life that I have felt drawn to, simply because of their openness, their realness, showing the rawness in just being who they are, no apologies no excuses. In them I saw an honesty that I was not able to give myself because I was so tied up, literally, with the ‘good’ and ‘right.’

Since I have come to know that I am not what I do, that life is not about the good and the right but about a connection to who I truly am in my inner heart, I am, piece by piece, able to cut the ties that have bound my beautiful precious being from living the realness of who I truly am.

I can now allow myself to feel that whatever comes up for me, that it is ok, in the knowing that I now have a choice in that moment to feel without judgment the fragility and vulnerability, the rawness in my body, with an honesty that I had not allowed myself to feel before. And oh, what freedom to just be, with no perfection needed whatsoever.

By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, Australia

Related Reading:
Living a religious life – connecting to the divine within
Stories from people in religion, who look just like you and me
My Connection to God and Finding Real Religion

Spara

Spara

782 thoughts on “Raw and Uncut

    1. And it does melt another- looking in someones eyes that are raw and fragile is superbeautiful and always an invitation for more intimacy. It reminds us of us and what we very often miss to live in our lives.

  1. “Since I have come to know that I am not what I do, that life is not about the good and the right but about a connection to who I truly am in my inner heart, I am, piece by piece, able to cut the ties that have bound my beautiful precious being from living the realness of who I truly am.” This is beautiful Jill. I am still unpicking the ‘it’s not what I do’ piece as from an early age this was inculcated into us as children – and still remains strong in me. But if we are not accepting and appreciating who we are first – feeling deeply connected in our inner heart – how can anything we do be of value?

  2. We rely on right and wrong as a form of protection, for if there we allowed ourselves to simply feel whatever is there to be felt with no judgement there would be no need for this – only the support to surrender to what is.

    1. Right or wrong is simply a fight. It taints your senses as well so that you are not able to see the truth in a situation anymore and it asks you to not take responsibility for whatever happened. Right and wrong is true evil in conversations, which needs to be called out, otherwise you can get lost in it very easy. I am talking out of personal experience 😉

  3. The more raw we allow ourselves to be, the greater the transparency we offer others as well as permission for them also to come out of hiding and reveal themselves in full.

  4. To allow ourselves to be seen and felt in all our glory is one of the most beautiful things we can do for ourselves and for another. It is an absolute confirmation of who we are, and offers others the opportunity to be inspired to be all of who they are as well.

  5. I had a strong feeling of wanting to step back and hide at work yesterday. It happens less and less but its a familiar pattern of mine. Luckily a dear friend was there to encourage me not to go there. I really do appreciate the support I get from people around me and the fact that we are all in this life to help one another.

  6. I love that you shared this Jill and I love rereading this blog over and over. I can so relate as this was me up until I was about 16 and then I rebelled and became very depressed and self destructive. This is a very inspiring read as it speaks to us the reader letting us know that it is never too late to turn our lives around.

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