The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish. We often champion the idea that putting others before ourselves is something to aspire to, and perhaps there is nowhere that this is more pronounced than with mothers, who are applauded and celebrated when ‘putting the children first’.
The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told – so the natural extrapolation of this is that if we look down on the activity of self-care, we are creating a framework that says:
- Don’t respond to, or respect how we feel
- Don’t listen to what our body is telling us at any given time
- Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others.
There is one super simple point which is played out all too frequently: if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.
So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility. And again, nowhere perhaps is this more keenly felt than in parenthood, which is the foundation upon which our children grow. If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.
As an experiment and moment of self-study, I tried this exercise: I took one thing I did in my everyday that I could identify as taking care of myself – over time it included super simple and ‘mundane’ things, like brushing my teeth, putting cream on, getting dressed, boiling the kettle, cooking etc. – and I gave it a bit more attention. I asked myself, “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” Over a period of a week, I simply clocked what was going on:
Was I:
- Distracted, or present with myself?
- Thinking about a multitude of other things?
- Attentive to what I was doing right in that moment?
- Already focusing on what I was going to be doing next?
And over these days, I started to clock if anything was changing.
My experience of doing this has been really profound. In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level. The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness? Maybe the experience is somewhere in between these two, but it is always an opportunity to observe and to learn something.
What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant.
We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers! Well now I dress myself appropriately for the weather and, hey presto, they have taken to doing so too, or running back and getting a jacket or jumper when they step outside and realise it is colder than they thought.
In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.
It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I am certainly inspired by many others in this way.
By Matilda Bathurst, Registered Midwife & Nurse, Teacher and Mother of 3 boys, Hampshire, UK
Related Reading:
What’s all the fuss about self-care?
Self-care and Learning To Respect My Body
Self Care Tips
Words on Serge Benhayon 
Children watch everything that parents do, so if a parent takes loving care of themselves, the children learn that this is the way to be.
Recently I’ve noticed that I’ve told more talk than walk. Great to catch and for the time being focus on my walk. It’s the walk that makes the most difference.
Yes! I so agree with this one … from experience! ‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’
Is it possible that this attitude of putting others first came from religion where it was considered a sin to take care of your self first especially women. It was a woman’s responsibility to look after others this is the complete opposite of how we should be living and is the lie we have accepted. It is yet another example of the control religion has over us to keep us away from truly knowing God.
How did we lose the concept of self-care? Is it not just common sense?! If the body is worn down, how can it function to take care of others? Every single one of us knows it, but we ignore it and push through – that is bound to have some kind of dire effect. Yesterday I saw a girl who was overweight & realised that being overweight or obese is actually a disorder, it is an illness. Yet, through our jokes about people who are overweight and the desensitisation of it, we are ignoring the real problem we have in society.
So true – when the walk is walked, no talk is needed.
This is another blog that opens up a conversation on self care and have we got it the wrong way round when we care for others but not ourselves. There are so many things in this life that are the complete opposite to how we should be living and this is another great example. Turning this around to look after ourselves first is the most loving act and a very responsible thing to do.
Thank you Matilda for this wonderful blog. Through my own experience I can only agree – if someone is only talking and not doing what he or she is talking about it feels not inspiring at all – it feels imposing and that is really what made me feel to not do what they are talking about!
‘Actions speak louder than words’. One’s lived experience is a far greater teacher than any amount of words we may say.
It’s fascinating how now I volunteer on a maternity ward supporting new parents with feeding their newborns, when I suggest to the woman to put herself first there is some incredulity. yet if she goes down it affects the whole family. Putting others first is so ingrained, certainly among women it would seem. .
“We often champion the idea that putting others before ourselves is something to aspire to, and perhaps there is nowhere that this is more pronounced than with mothers, who are applauded and celebrated when ‘putting the children first’.” This was so true when my children were young and I even wore it as a badge of pride – something of the martyr – ouch!
Leading by example is often the most powerful way for another to learn – they see, they observe and over time they register what and how you do things, and then they may begin to adopt this for themselves. People are watching and clocking all of the time – even when we are making choices that are not so supportive. So in any choice we make people can and may use this as an example of how to live. And so, this reveals the fact that there is a responsibility we each hold all of the time in terms of the reflection that we offer to those around us.
Wise words for every mother and mothering type to be reminded of “There is one super simple point which is played out all too frequently: if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.”
There is nothing more powerful that the lived reflection of another who is caring for themselves in a simple but deeply caring way. We can preach all we like to try to convince another that they need to start caring for themselves, but this is more than likely going to turn them off, whereas if we choose to live in full what we know, the chances are they will eventually be inspired and begin to make the changes for themselves. Walking it, is certainly way more powerful than talking it!
I agree with you Ingrid, to be honest I used to preach to people about the health benefits I was feeling in my body and wanting them to have the same benefits too. Trying to convince someone to take care of themselves I noticed just made certain people more obstinate. Now I just leave them be and because there is no pressure they are making small changes in their own way and time. This proves to me to just take care of myself and to have no attachment to others ‘getting it’
I so agree Ingrid – walking it is way more powerful than talking it. Our reflection – if consistent – expresses more than words can do.
Lack of self care and the ideal of placing others first is very generational. Parents can feel it’s a good thing to place their children first and that it’s very loving for the children to experience this, unfortunately the reality is children model themselves on this behaviour and then can repeat the pattern as adults themselves living in a self sacrificing and disregarding way.
It has taking me a whole lot of years in this life to realise that the societally accepted belief that it is selfish to look after yourself first is behind so many of the issues facing us in the world today. For instance, we have a world-wide plague of exhaustion. Yes, people are living in a much faster paced way, but from where I sit, I see them doing this for everyone else’s benefit and not caring for themselves in the process. It is actually quite simple, if we don’t care for ourselves first and foremost, we are at risk of running out of energy – ie, we exhaust ourselves – and then it naturally follows that everything we do comes laced with that exhaustion. Life as we know it is definitely ‘upside down’, and I am very sure that if we all began to look after ourselves first, that soon it will be the up ‘right way’ before too long.
It would be like caring for everyone else’s car, making sure they were serviced, and then continually driving our own without service until it breaks down. We know this would not make sense in car maintenance, but we don’t see things as clearly in our body maintenance because we can be so clouded by our beliefs and ideals.
A brilliant analogy Melinda, making so much sense of the ridiculousness of the, ‘you’ve got to care for everyone else first’ belief. It might seem quite laughable to some, but it’s only funny until it’s our ‘car’ which breaks down.
The astonishing thing is our body is the only one we have, we can’t go and buy another one like we can with a car, yet we all live in such disregard of it and are unable to appreciate how precious our body is.
The simplicity of self-care and the beauty that is in each moment when the way that we hold ourselves in each moment is as important as what we may be doing. Self-care is then is a joy.
I know that if I don’t take care for myself and let this care deepen continually that I get tired and then I can get tetchy and not want to do the things that need to be done.
It is so funny (not) that you start with the sentence: “The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.” because it is very self-indulgent and selfish of us to not care for ourselves – so much if not pretty much all of life is twisted and based on the opposite of truth these days. You could almost take a standard statement and apply the opposite if you want to be a little closer to the truth!
It is fascinating when we start to bring awareness and presence to the smallest details as you describe because the more aware we become the more aware we become of how unaware we are we being.
Equally the more present we become the more we become aware of how often we are not present so we become more present to not being present!
Looking back, when I was growing up in the 50’s and the 60’s it is now so obvious that as a result of the deeply entrenched belief that it was selfish to look after yourself first, so many, especially women, were living in a way that totally disregarded their needs and the needs of their bodies. It took me a long time to come to the understanding that it is of the utmost importance to care for myself in a very loving way first, as if I don’t what is the quality of the care I offer to others?
We were not raised learning that we have to take care of ourselves. At some point this has to start. The thing is that what we do with ourselves is what our kids learn. So, if they learn from us to take care of themselves, they will be in a much better position to provide care for themselves and others.
Being present with what we are doing, paying attention to how our body is experiencing that doing feels so nurturing.
Yes there is an exquisite quality in presence that is deeply nurturing and caring and what is also lovely is to observe how there appears to be no limit in that we can continue to deepen our presence and quality.
Thanks Matilda, I’ve also been looking at my self care routine during the day and seeing opportunities to bring more care to mundane tasks simply by being more aware of myself, being present with my body and how it wants to move, and bringing forth a deeper energetic quality of my inner grace and stillness into the way I move and express myself. There is more love and care to be lived, even in the way we fill the dishwasher.
Love the practical detail in your experiential self-study Matilda. We may have ideas about what it means to self care though to truly embody this in our movements offers a quality that is known.
The greatest form of teaching is by example. If we are not aware of our example we can teach the very things we would prefer not to be taught.
I think it’s a great point to present that it’s actually responsible to take loving care of ourselves, and that responsibility isn’t about disregarding yourself in a mission to care for everyone else instead, we are all equally important…
To be self-caring is an energetic vibration that we align to, we can do any act in that alignment and it will be of care for us and our bodies. Or we an do all of the tick-box exercises of what “self-care” looks like, but if the energetic quality of care is not there then we’re not really doing anything.
I agree Viktoria because you could take two lives that live in similar ways, eat healthily, sleep early, a tidy and clean house, etc, yet the energetic quality behind the self care may be very different. Personally I find the true energetic quality of care and love in my self care is what makes it feel so healing and supportive.
That is a great point Viktoria – it always comes back to energy!
If we don’t make life about energy first, we will remain blind forever.
Without a doubt the greatest form of teaching is by example and one of the best things we can teach is self-care and to do that we have to first learn and practice it ourself.
I have noticed how self-care has become a fashionable phrase to use, with many books and courses available. But it is always worth discerning how deeply self-caring a person is before following their lead, because it is possible to be deeply wholly in love with oneself and to let this be the foundation of your self-care, or there is mere functionality which makes it look like everything is being done right.
I agree Shami, rather than it being a set of instructions I’ve found the self care philosophy of Serge Benhayon very self empowering, as it’s a relationship between myself and my body, and the energetic quality I am in. There are no experts except our own bodies!
It certainly ‘has become a fashionable phrase’ but it absolutely pays to ask if what we are being presented with is actually true care for ourselves. There are so many in the world who jump on the latest fashionable bandwagon simply to make money, but it is up to us to discern their motives and intentions before jumping on the wagon with them.
While it is self caring to take time for ourselves or prepare for our day ahead looking at the how we do what we do I feel for myself needs that greater attention. The more focus I bring to one area of life then I start to see others changing in that same area. We are in no way little islands separated from each other.
I feel like the ‘selfish’ reputation that self-care has is because we’ve made self-care about pampering ourselves and not about how we live each day, like you say Matilda, it’s in the mundaneness of life that our care can be deepened and expressed.
Great point Rachael, Caring for ourselves and bringing quality into the detail of life is simply a responsible way to live as everyone is affected by the quality we hold and live with.
I love your example of bringing a bottle of water in to the class and sipping it often led to your students doing the same. I sometimes am amazed at how I have influenced others without realising it at the time. Every little thing we do matters and we can have a great influence just by being ourselves.
I agree that everything matters and in that there is no little or big thing as everything is everything.
Taking care of ourselves in order to take care of others, definitely a responsibility that we have to continue to expand the way we care for ourselves.
It is an interesting cycle when we don’t care for ourselves because we then need other people to care for us and probably they don’t take care of themselves either so need someone else as well. This creates a whole society of people being needy for care and thus leaves us very vulnerable even though we could simply give this to ourselves from the start.
Walking our talk is self-caring.
It used to be the case that as soon as life, or work, got too busy, self care would be the first thing to drop. I would prioritise getting work done over looking after myself to not drop the ball and appearances – wanting to be seen as being able to handle everything and anything at all times – so my body copped it – no time to cook, eat properly, dress well, exercise or do anything that supports me to stay steady and productive. Now I find that I can’t work that way – I just don’t have the energy to keep going if I haven’t looked after my body. I actually don’t resent ‘having to’ take care of myself in this basic way anymore because it feels super lovely and, as an added bonus, I end up being more productive, less stressed and more connected to myself and everyone around me.
Responsibility is definitely the key word in the meaning of self-care.
As a woman, one of the greatest lies we are fed is that we have to put other’s needs before our own. It does not work – we need to learn its not about putting ourselves first and in front of another, but to meet our needs equally so with all others.
These are such wise words: “not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility” words which really draw to our attention the duty of care we owe to ourselves, not just every now and then, but always. For as you have expressed so clearly Matilda, how can we possibly care for another with the quality they deserve when we are not caring for ourselves with that same quality?
We do pick up a lot from each other by reflection – by actually seeing how another lives and their actions and the energetic communication that is always there.
I’m experimenting with self-care as I work longer hours currently…usually when there’s more work, self-care is the first thing that goes out of the window because ‘I’ve just got to get this done’ – but where is the quality in that, and is it really worth it? When we work at the expense of our bodies, instead of in line with their rhythm, it doesn’t sustain, and the quality and our mood, drops. Working in a light and inspiring way and sustaining that over the long-term can only happen when we also take deep care of our bodies.
It is that simple love or not love, we have a choice to choose.
Matilda I can also say, as I put strategies in for self care for myself, it started to pull everyone around me up too, my husband, family and staff. There is a great responsibility here that is felt by others when we say yes to deepening our self care.
When anyone walks their talk it is easy to be inspired by them.
Yes absolutely it is through our livingness that makes a difference, our reflection is felt by others when we live what we talk. We can only inspire by reflection of the livingness in motion, we cannot just talk the talk as that is not felt, the walk is felt through vibration of movements.
Exactly Suse, this is how we inspired others, not through our words but through our living way. My children constantly remind me of this. They are not shy to point out when I am telling them to do something when I am not prepared to do them myself, they openly call that behaviour as being hypocritical.
We certainly do need to return understanding the true meaning of self-care and the value it offers us and all. It is interesting to observe that when we connect to the love we are in essence, we can feel how precious, sacred and truly valuable we are and that this connection is worth honouring as such self-care then becomes a confirmation and an honouring of the sacredness we innately are within, so it is this quality that can then be lived in our lives and with all others.
It certainly seems to me that the understanding of what most consider self-care to be is very different from what true self-care actually is. And this level of care becomes so natural once we are connected to the “love we are in essence”, so much so that anything that is less than true self-care is instantly felt in the body. True self-care is the best medicine we could ever introduce into our lives as it honours the wisdom and the preciousness of our amazing body.
I’ve noticed in my life that I often don’t question things that I think are “good” and make me a “good person”. Putting others before myself is a classic example of a behaviour that comes from the ideal of “doing good”. Whilst I’m focusing on ticking the “good” box I can’t see all the harm I’m doing to myself and others, but since I have begun working on my own self care and challenging those ideals of placing others before myself I can see and feel clearly the illusion of it all. Putting others before myself has resulted in a lot of self neglect and harm on my health and wellbeing, and has been imposing in relationships. And because being “good” has an opposite, being “bad” or “not good”, the opposite of caring for others selflessly is caring for ones self and coming first, with the connotation being it’s selfish, indulgent, and something to be ashamed of and guilty about. The truth is caring deeply for ourselves is necessary for our bodies, and it is how we role model and can inspire others to do the same – rather than role modelling self neglect and martyrdom under the umbrella of “good”.
The quality in which we self-care is vital.
The quality is what deepens our self care and supports us to take the vibration to the next level.
“….we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… ” This so true.
There is a lot of talk nowadays about self care but if we do not do it from a place of true connection with ourselves then it will become just another functional thing that we do that is devoid of quality.
So true Elizabeth, there has to be true connection and with that we build the quality of the self care that is felt in its truth, and becomes a reflection or inspiration for others.
When we allow ourselves to feel how we do things we can open up another level of relationship with ourselves and thus others and the reminder that how we do thing feeds us back and leaves an imprint for both ourselves and others to come back to, really brings it home that there is so much more to life than we often consider and allow and that every movement we make matters.
“There is one super simple point which is played out all too frequently: if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” The effect of not caring for oneself in one potent sentence. It is as simple as that, and simply shows how everything starts with ourselves, that then ripples outward to everybody else. So it simply and logically comes back to the quality we choose to live in every day and in every moment, as that is what determines how we feel and how we are.
When I was reading this section about you asking yourself these questions:
Distracted, or present with myself?
Thinking about a multitude of other things?
Attentive to what I was doing right in that moment?
Already focusing on what I was going to be doing next?
I was like woah, I am all of these things right now. And then I was like focus, and then I was like distracted again! It is a good exercise to be fully present and feel what is needed to do/take more care in each situation.
What I have noticed that when I am present with each moment of self care, the depth and quality achieved is awesome. Concious presence in the moment supports quality.
‘In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.’ When I have dropped the ball in taking care and nurturing myself I always come back to these mundane and repetitive tasks you speak about, it makes me feel my body and the quality I choose to live with.
The NHS spent £13 million last year on prescription items that could have been bought by patients and are now encouraging people to take responsibility for buying their own. A step in the right direction, certainly for those who can afford it at least, although if we were serious about taking full responsibility for our self care then we wouldn’t need prescription items in the first place, or at least not on a routine and regular basis.
‘We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” If only we would care for ourselves as we do our children, this already make a significant change.
If we do not care for ourselves this quality is what we are sharing with others. Not only that, not caring for ourselves leaves us empty and needy and so the care we give to others has this as a foundation rather then the abundance of love that could otherwise be if we truly cared for ourselves.
The quote ‘be the change you want to see in the world’ springs to mind reading this today. If we want more caring people in the world, be one, lead the way.
Absolutely Sarah I agree. We cannot underestimate the power of reflection, a power that we all have access to live with by honoring and being who we are, in the truest sense.
Sarah so true, we have to lead the way, so best place to start with is Self Care, when we can self care and build a foundation, we can inspire others through our livingness.
Hear, hear Sarah, I love what you shared and it reminds me that we are responsible for how the world is, and it is where it is due to our choices and the way we have chosen to live.
One of the most self-caring things that we can do is be present in our own bodies because in doing this we can access our divinity.
I love to come back to this blog and just read through and feel the simplicity of self-care. It is so simple and it includes everybody.
“We often champion the idea that putting others before ourselves is something to aspire to, and perhaps there is nowhere that this is more pronounced than with mothers, who are applauded and celebrated when ‘putting the children first’. I so agree, I did this over thirty years ago now and ended up drained and exhausted and not much fun. Now with my grand children I am living a different way and thus presenting a role model to them that we need to deeply take care of ourselves.
“The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.” This concept is still so prevalent, yet if we don’t take care of ourselves how can we possibly bring a quality of care to others?
Thank you Matilda,that is why words do not truly break ways and make way when they are not being lived.
I can do a lot of talking at times and not much walking when it comes to parenting and gee it has the opposite impact to being inspired. Whenever I just get on with what I need to do and stop getting into what my sons are doing or not doing, then to me that is a form of self-care because I’m not wasting my energy. Time and time again, it then shows me how powerful our choices are to those around us, as my sons will then independently start looking after themselves too.
We support ourselves so much in how we are in what we do, the quality of how we do simple things, observing ourselves as we do so and allowing ourselves to feel how taking that extra care feeds us back and deepens our relationship with ourselves and with all others. There’s a whole world to explore with self care and as we do so we inspire ourselves and others to deepen their own care, it really is about leading by example.
“Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?” I love this as it brings us back to the simple physical law that everything has an equal opposite force, that what we put in will be the quality that feeds us back. So I can determine the respect, care and tenderness I receive in every moment by bringing this care and respect to my every moment.
“Don’t do as I do, do as I say ” these words from the past have a somewhat hollow ring to it, totally missing the point that everything is energy, it is the energy that is in our movements that people can feel in their bodies, the body cannot lie but the mind sure knows how to.
‘The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.’ It sure is and although we know deep down it is true to care for ourselves we don’t love ourselves enough to take these small steps towards self-care, at least that is what I see in working in the healthcare system.
It’s inspiring to come back to simple blogs like this that offer so much – thank you.
I’ve recently been opening up to new ways to bring self care into my day and had to let go of pictures of what self care meant. The obvious ones are diet, exercise, sleeping patterns and self grooming but I’m realising how negatively impacted my body is by moving it in a rushed way or if I’m not present with myself. Self care for me is a self regulating activity as the body always has something to share about how it feels as the result of our choices.
I am going to take your experiment on again and also bring it into the relationships, see if they, by deepening, become ‘making love’.
I think this is key – we can let the many, many small moments in our day pass us by – or – we can recognise them for the opportunity they are.
I’m finding this too Linda and Meg, because I had already made so many changes in self care I wasn’t letting myself be aware of the next level on offer, the smaller less obvious moments.
An experiment to explore the smaller moments in life – I love it – how often do we overlook or overthink these small moments? and what is the most care we can give each moment?
Matilda; this is a great question for us to ask ourselves; “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” I can feel that I can do tasks checked out and rushed – just to get things done or I can bring a presence and a quality to these tasks which makes them enjoyable, as I can feel me and appreciate me and my qualities while doing them.
‘We cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. a great sharing Matilda, there is power when we move with connection to our bodies, this movement in itself speaks volumes.
Indeed our ‘walk’ does do a lot of ‘talking’! How we are with ourselves does make a difference to others and we are all role models for one another – not just by words but by how we live…
Fiona I agree we are role models by the way we live, and therefore we have a responsibility in our movements as these movements will be felt by others.
I love your playfulness Fiona..’our ‘walk’ does do a lot of ‘talking’!’ And, too much talking and no walking soon becomes tiring and people can also see through this when we do not walk our talk.
There is alwas such learning on offer, when we decide to pay attention to how we are in each moment. I find that the more I do this, the more the relationship with myself and my body deepens. It feels like my body is talking to me more loudly, but actually it’s probably always been trying to communicate with me. The difference is that now I feel more tuned into its messages, and much more willing to respond, instead of override. The cool thing is that the more I do this, the more my body supports me in return: a feeling of steadiness starts to become my normal, baseline state of being.
Our walk so does the talking, it communicates much more than we can even consider. Which then begs the question – what conversations are we starting with our walks? What are we sharing with the world about the way we walk?
“or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” he he, I know that one well and I don’t think you and I are/we’re alone on this one. Who has done something (the dishes, cleaned a house, did a job etc…) filled to the brim with martyrdom, to not have it ‘duly recognised’ and then feel like you are going to burst in resentment. It’s not great for our bodies….much easier to let go of the martyrdom and start to take greater care of yourself.
Super simple self-caring measures can have some quite profound very wide implications that can shift someone’s life significantly.
Matilda, this is really inspiring to read. I can feel how often we tell children what to do without first living what we are telling them, children are often very sensitive and it makes sense that it is through reflection rather than being told that they will be inspired and learn; ‘What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant.’
I was talking to a family member who is much older than me and she has befriended someone who has a debilitating disease and she spends a lot of time with this person as an un paid companion and helper. They have always naturally looked after people who are not able to look after themselves quite so well. But this is actually putting their own health at risk. They are more caring of others than of themselves. So we had a chat about bringing some of that love and attention back to their own bodies. My point being if they do not look after themselves they will not be able to look after others. This is quite an ingrained pattern to break for most women including myself as we were raised to believe that looking after others was the most important role of life.
There is a massive consciousness and culture around women and mothers being expected to be super carers of others without first giving that care to themselves. It’s like organizing a road trip, making sure everything is prepared and set up, but not putting gas in the car so when you go to set off and the well organised (for everyone else) trip is useless because you can’t go anywhere without the energy needed to do it.
I love the simple wisdom of this blog, something we can all be with in our day. There are so many tasks that can have more love and care brought to them… and this truly supports the quality of our lives.
What I have learned is the strenght of reflection. Of when something is shown to you by another or something – making you realize that you are greater than you thought yourself or something to be.. Grand possibilities arise when we open ourselves up to reflections all over! Shining on us.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” – This is very well put and is truly worth stopping to consider… If we disregard ourself then are we truly being responsible?
I can so relate to this as my truth, recently I found that I made some poor choices with food. Then I found that in some situations I reacted more and did not have the usual steadiness that I enjoy.
great example MW every choice we make has a effect, it is that simple. Supporting our bodies is such a wise and loving way to be; it supports the whole flow of our day.
So true, when we walk it, it is felt, when we share it in our every wake we make.
It appears to be normal in this world to put the care of ourselves secondary to the care of others, as if we don’t matter as much as they do. I learned the hard way what a damaging belief this is and one belief that needs to be dismantled, and fast. It makes sense that if we care for ourselves first that the care we bring to another is of a quality that can support them in their healing while at the same not draining our precious energy; it simply makes sense to care for ourselves first.
What part of self care does not have self in it? We cannot be truly caring for anyway much less understanding what true care means if we are not equally as loving and as caring for ourselves first.
Deciding that you are worth caring for, really worth caring for, changes the approach to self-care. No longer are you cleaning your teeth because you have to, but because you are simply worth it.
I would say we only learn by example and personal experience, everything else is knowledge but not really learned and thus not known; same with self-care – you only know what it really means when you practise it and hence get to experience the difference it makes.
There is this underlying ideal of self-sacrifice in parenting and other relationships, a behaviour considered to be good and self-less as it serves others over one´s personal needs. The moment we bring quality of care and love to the scenario we get to recognise the lovelessness, harshness and actually recklessness of such ‘self-less’ behaviour, even seeing that it is not selfless but full of a self that doesn´t feel worthy of taking care of it self, not worthy to be loved and loving without needing to prove one´s value as a person by over-doing and being hard on oneself. Bringing love and care to one´s movements and actions means to value oneself and others equally, reflecting and inspiring others to also feel worthy of being loved and loving.
Beautiful example of the ripples we create when we walk our talk. It is not the words one responds to but our movements.
So true, we cannot tell people to take care (or anything for that matter) when we don’t do so ourselves, it simply won’t get heard. It’s the livingness that enlivens the words we utter.
It never ceases to amaze me how much expansion is in mundane tasks. When we move and deepen within we see divinity in all we do.
In the simplest tasks that we do every day we can incorporate our self-care because self-care is really about the quality that we do everything in.
What a great experiment, to choose to really be aware and present when brushing your teeth, putting cream on and getting dressed etc. This is something that I have been working on and would fully recommend this to be introduced to children and adults alike, to help deepen their level of self-care.
The permission this reflects to others can’t be under estimated, sometimes slow but like a glacier over time it cuts through any pretence that though feels great.
It is absolutely true that the more we take care of ourselves the more taking care is part of our natural way of being that extends to others also. Others feel and see our reflection and have the opportunity to appreciate and follow suit, that is be inspired.
I am so inspired to choose an aspect of caring for myself and pay close attention to how I am when doing it to see if the mundane is actually magic. So many things to choose from. Cleaning my teeth is a great one as I usually do this whilst walking around the house doing other tasks- especially getting ready in the morning!!
Foundations are just that, a way of living that is to be established as a way that is wanted and needed in the future, so the expansion and development of who we are can be then launched from there.
Matilda, your words highlight for me the importance of reflection. That is, the way we move carries more weight than the words we speak and this is because while the mind can concoct a lie, the body cannot. Through movement everything is revealed – the way we sit, stand, blink, eat, walk etc. all carries a quality of energy that is being picked up by every eye that receives the reflection. Every movement of ours is being clocked by others. This is especially true around children as they look to the adults to see what is ‘allowed’ or can be expressed in the world and what is/can not.
Normally you get championed when you don´t care for yourself in society. It definitely needs more role models like you!! The magic is to live it and let others clock it and let them decide with space if they are seeing the benefits of it or not and if they want to live those aswell.
How can anyone say it is selfish to care for ourselves does that mean it is generous or considerate to abuse ourselves????????
I love your many questionmarks Nicola. hahaha . As ridiculous as it sounds ( that´s why your questionmarks makes sense) , but for many it is generous, if you don´t care for your body and instead do something for another from that place. They call this “love”- giving yourself away, knowing that you need to compromise yourself. “You must love me doing this for me”- isn´t that a sentence we heard many times?! Question is, how can you interpret this as love, when love starts with you loving yourself, before you can truly and sincerely love another?
Don’t start me on the misuse of the word love!!!!!! How about I suicide and kill lots of people for the “love” of my religion, or I beat my partner in the name of love or I love to eat and drink lots of things that harm my body?????????? Yes many !!!!!! and ??????
Why wouldn’t we care for ourselves?
There is a certain irony that in order to ‘get ourselves out of the way’ and be of service to humanity we first need to focus so astutely on ‘the self ‘by way of loving, caring, nurturing and adoring ourselves so that when we come to care for others, it is done from this deep well of self-care that is in-truth, a reservoir of love.
Agree, caring for the self to then realising that it is not about the self, although it is all about it in the first place.
How inspiring you are Matilda to all those children and everyone else when we take care of ourselves in the detail and how people can naturally see and feel this to and then go for it themselves.
Talking about the weather and clothing, I was having a chat with someone last night and he said there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing. It made me smile as I considered that I now really wrap up warm for the winter and have an electric blanket so I don’t have to get into a cold bed at nights. All of these little things I consider to be part of my self care.
“What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves.” Children learn by watching others so we are all parents and teachers and have a shared responsibility to inspire others to take responsibility for their own well-being and self-care.
Yes I agree we are all parents and teachers and equally all students who never stop learning from ourselves, each other and all that is around, before and behind us!
Observing all the practical things that we do each day and seeing how we can bring greater awareness and care to them is the first steps in the “how to” of self care.
Thank you for sharing this Elizabeth, you have inspired me to deepen my self-care in a very practical way. I know self-care can be practiced throughout my day with everything I do and it doesn’t have to be just limited to certain times of the day.
When it comes to living life, we learn by reflection and from role models rather than from books or expert information. Knowledge has to be lived; if it is not, it can only excite the mind but doesn’t truly inspire the being.
I love this blog Matilda, so very relatable. You nailed the stigma to do with self care and exposed it for the illusion it is.
‘We cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I love what you express here Matilda and this is something that we do tend to avoid. Without living what we are talking life becomes about being right and history has clearly and repeatedly shown that being right is definitely not being true.
Our words are empty when we ask others to do what we ourselves are not willing to do or haven’t been doing.
That’s right Gabriele we can feel this from a mile away. I find children are especially perceptive at sensing when adults ask them to do something that they are not willing to do themselves.
I grew up around smokers who told me that ‘whatever you do, don’t smoke’, yet their actions intrigued me as a child as it seemed as if they enjoyed smoking and they were endorsing it, so of course I tried it. It was what the adults were doing, and their words to opposite effect carried little weight.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’” So true Matilda. Talking the talk and yet not walking it does not inspire me. I remember a parent saying ‘ do as i say, not do as i do’ – no reflection or inspiration here.
“My experience of doing this has been really profound. In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.” It’s the greater awareness we bring to our tasks that expands the learning available and I find life becomes very simple and enjoyable because we are connected to our bodies and then everything around us which means we focus less on what may be coming in the future and instead on the present moment at hand.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” This is a profound observation as by putting others consistently first we are ignoring and distracting ourselves from dealing with our own issues. This does not mean not being caring and loving of others but when our love and care is genuine, true and not a distraction.
True self care is honouring and living our true selves.
Only if we care for ourselves first we have something true to offer another one.
Beauty-ful , living it is really key. Nothing is giving more confidence than seeing love and care being lived by a person on earth. We continously inspire by our living way.
I parented for many years putting my son first and having stepped out of that and looking back I can see how imposing that was. The pressure he must of felt would have been huge. Now I care for myself first (most of the time) and our relationship is infinitely better and allows for way more love than when I was metaphorically suffocating him with all my love that I got very little of. In fact, that wasn’t love, it was need. Now our relationship is one of love because my love emanates from me and he can be a part of that.
As a society, we seem to underestimate how supportive and powerful self-care is and interesting how much is out there that encourages us to ignore how we feel and what our body is communicating to us. I am sure if we all took responsibility and fully embraced self-care in every aspect of our lives, our health system would not be under strain.
I really enjoy how doing simple tasks in our daily lives actually opens up a dialogue of not only how we are in that moment but it also then offers us a reflection for how we have lived that day, that week etc. Every moment we have the opportunity to dig a little deeper within ourselves to understand the very essence of our make up and it is a choice only we can make for ourselves.
One of the biggest self-caring things that I am doing at the moment is drinking enough water during the day. It is these simple things that do indeed make all the difference.
I love what you did on a day to day basis to really clock how are you when doing the so called ‘mundane’ things in life, brushing teeth, driving, cooking etc, where are you? were you thinking of other things, solving issues, doing everything but be with yourself doing that task. It is a really simple way to really check in and monitor where you are at.
‘…So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ – This is a great point to raise as it asks us to consider the bigger picture of reflection we all play. The fact is we naturally observe each other – hence reflections are so much a part of our lives.
Matilda this just highlights how self care can be in every single moment, no matter what we are doing.
We need to take care of our self in order to be able to care for others and to deepen the love and care that we bring to another. Bringing more awareness to our whole body and what it is reflecting back to us gives us a true marker of what we really need – no more or less.
Loved hearing about the amazing knock on effect of when you have taken the time to self care, then your students have seen this and also taken the time to self care, that is really wonderful and shows you the power of reflection.
Very true Matilda, love is definitely in the detail and can be felt in the smallest of gestures.
I agree Matilda, Love is in the detail, small movements, words of support self and others. And when we pay attention to small movements like opening a door and do so with awareness and tenderness everything changes. For me I realise how much of the preciousness of life is missed when we’re not consciously present in each moment
When we appreciate quality and purpose and treat everything we do as equal, anything we do, even that which we consider mundane, can literally bring our life alive.
It can be easy to imagine the influence that taking care has on others around us, but there is also the unseen influence on ourselves of taking care in our movements, the way it changes how we feel about ourselves the more we do it and make it our foundations, something we never settle for less than. Lovely blog Matilda.
Funny (not) how often our societies parade about the opposite of the truth. It is completely selfish to NOT care for yourself for as you say if you do not care for yourself how can you possibly care for anyone else?
This is a great example of how simple parenting can be. So very needed in any parenting book or magazine.
I love the flow on effect that self care has, not only on ourselves but on those around us. In this way it is super supportive for all of society when we do it.
The more focus I put on other people changing the less they do. When I focus on changing my own walk/lifestyle choices then others naturally change on their own accord without me having to try or having an investment on them changing.
Absolutely – when we don’t look after ourselves we have left responsibility behind. For me, as I become involved in more… more projects, more people’s lives, more institutions, I realise just how irresponsible it is when I do check out, stay up late, eat badly etc… I’m destroying the opportunity to be everything I know I can be in the next moment, for the next conversation or presentation. Anything that means I’m not being fully me in the next moment becomes a step into irresponsibility and that realisation has had an enormous impact on how I now choose to live.
I agree Brendan, I used to think I was caring for others when I wasn’t caring for myself and found a lot of resentment crept in especially when I was ignoring caring for myself. Resentment is definitely not caring or loving. Now I understand I had it the wrong way around, and now I am choosing to care for myself so I can be truly caring for others naturally and effortlessly.
‘Walking the talk’ is inspiring, where how we live, express and respond says it all. I find we can pick up as in read into a lot more in someone’s movements than words can express.
“The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told.” When we truly appreciate what is being said here we all know we have a responsibility to live and move in such a way that we talk our walk as our walk actually does reveal everything of who we are as our movements do not lie while our talk can.
We even know this as there is a saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ and yet the appreciation and valuing of the quality of our actions is missing. We can be praised for our actions but there needs to be more attention and appreciation on the quality we can act in.
Indeed Leigh, actually it is the quality that we bring into all our actions that is what really matters. We can do actions that look grand but lack the underlying quality that makes it sustainable and a support for everyone thereafter to take it further to the next level.
“Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” – this is such a beautiful invitation to take ourselves to a deeper level of connection with what we are doing.
Not taking care of ourselves is certainly an abdication of responsibility; it is therefore incumbent on us all to walk the talk and deeply self care for the good of all.
I like what you say here Shirley, actually you say that in taking care for oneself you not only do this for yourself but in doing so take care for all people in the world too.
If we take care for others without having a foundation of self-love and self-care then we are just simply living a lie that might give us recognition and acceptance from others but in truth the act itself comes from an emptiness as true love and care can only come from a body that is loved and nurtured. Thank you Matilda.
Matilda this is great, the way you have brought a focus to what you do, so that others get that true reflection is seen for its simplicity in this blog. Then could it be that we have to bring a complete appreciation to all we do so our Livingness is then humbly transparent in our own eyes, and this is then the blessing that is self-empowering because of the way we appreciate? Why humbly transparent, humble because we have debased the spirit so the universe opens up to us and we know our true path. Transparent or transparency, which is our pure innocence with the knowing of who we are with the true power that is now claimed.
When our words are used with discernment they can be empowering if they are presented with energetic integrity. One day we will all understand that as we speak the energy we speak in will come back to us as a energetic reflection of the energy we were in when we spoke.
Matilda this is a very powerful line “If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.” I am understanding more each day this exactly because with each need, demand or expectation of another I am simply faced once again with my own responsibility to love and care myself and know that where I am is due to my own choices no matter how subtle those choices may be.
Love the title ‘Walking the Talk’ we so easily look after others before ourselves, yet our responsibility has to be to look after ourselves first, otherwise what quality are we offering to look after others in.
This totally turns the saying ‘do as I say not as I do’ on its head. For in living as Matilda has here makes the truth of the saying ‘living my truth invites you to live yours’. No words needed.
Self-care conjures images of hard work, doing “the right” thing, and being boring… this image is a long, long way from the truth of what self-care actually is and offers. Self-care is treating yourself with a tenderness that honours the loveliness of who each of us are within.
It’s true – I have complicated life so much when really it is very very simple – I don’t need to try to save the world – but simply do what my Soul would do in any given situation and the rest takes care of itself.
Sadly this is so true in our society, where many live holding onto the limiting belief that it is selfish to take care and honour yourself. I feel such a level of responsibility everyday with all the people I come in contact with to reflect another way of the care I take for my body as it is only then that we can inspire trust in others to break away from the shackles of the mind.
We can talk about things till the cows come home but nothing changes. It is when we live the changes that the changes multiply.
There is no greater way to teach than by leading by example.
A great experiment Matilda, revealing so much to you (and us by your sharing) about your commitment to self-care.
There is only true care in Self -care when we are in movement with the Love that we truly are.
Thank you for a great sharing Matilda! Self care should be in everything we do. .After all if we don’t look after ourselves first we cannot possibly look after another.
I did a similar exercise and it was really interesting to see how I was thinking of other things while showering or putting on my body cream after the shower. It is very revealing as I think I’m with me but I’m not at all, I’m up in my head and so this explains why I can get so tired at times during the day, because I’m not with myself.
I can relate to this so well Mary. Not being ‘with oneself’ as one goes about doing the daily tasks is so draining.
It is actually also in these little moments in life that if we do check out or do them without care we get really exhausted. It is when we are not present with what we are doing that we lose energy as we are not purposefully spending it on what we are doing.
Thank you Lieke. It’s as if presence and purpose go together and in that powerful marriage we energise ourselves and each other.
Great to come back to this blog Matilda for the reminder of how present am I in my everyday, mundane tasks, like brushing my teeth, putting the kettle on, and opening and closing doors….. I love what you said about doors; ‘ Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?’.
I have found self-care to be so supportive in every way. If I wake up feeling a bit off, by choosing self-care, being more present and gentle on myself, this feels amazing in supporting me to stay more connected and more aware of what is happening. If I ignore how I am feeling and get distracted with the things I have to do, then I am more likely to continue on a spiral effect of feeling off and then I am more likely to react to minor things and create issues. Embracing self-care is a beautiful support to reconnect me back to my body and to feeling more ‘me’ again. It is also awesome support for everyone around me in subtle but powerful ways.
Love of, and care for, oneself is the foundation from which all else can grow.
This is such a great point -“not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” This becomes very obvious when we look at illness and disease. We do not take care of ourselves, indulge in whatever we want and as a result develop illness and disease. We then call this “unfortunate” rather than seeing it is the result of our ill behaviour and has its root cause in us not taking care of ourselves. We are responsible for far more than we care to know about.
People who treat themselves in high regard with tenderness and self care are noticed. They are not noticed because of how they look but the energy they are reflecting in their movements. It’s crazy to think we are just humans and leave out the energetic being-ness when we are feeling energy all the time and can clock how someone is or isn’t loving with themselves, and so much more.
Yep, this is so true Rachael, I have noticed this too. When we truly embrace self-care as our norm, there is a beautiful quality that naturally emanates and glows from inside out that is so effortless and graceful.
It is true that we have a responsibility to self-care… to live the love we are and to reflect this quality as offered inspiration for all others.
How important is self-care? The most delicious thing about self-care is that it never ends, its ongoing and there are always opportunities to deepen what we have already developed for ourselves in terms of a caring way. The other thing is the difference this way makes to others, which can often be under appreciated. While we may flippantly say “we can’t care for another unless we are caring for ourselves”, its not until we do become more aware of our self-care that we see how that works in action and we see the difference that a self-caring way makes to another.
It’s true – you can’t tell anyone to do things, that just become imposing – giving people space and taking deep care of yourself is what offers true healing for everyone.
Absolutely Gyl – our movement, how we treat ourselves and the level/depth of value we have for our body is always clocked by others without need for words to prove it.
I love how the consistency of choosing these moments of care actually set up a flow on affect to our movements in other areas of our lives. It offers us a greater scope to feel our bodies in the movements and how we can refine and or deepen them even further from then on. Self care is an exploration of daily living and how we in turn move in it.
Self care builds a foundation of self respect and gradually, self love. I’m inspired by reading this blog to bring more attention to those every day perfunctory tasks, knowing that change happens with small every day commitments and choices to be aware of the quality that I’m doing things in: harming or healing, always one or the other.
Thank you for your sharing on such incredible simple things that have huge effect when used in a true way. An inspiration not just to be, but actually see others then pick up and play with it themselves. Incredible. Truth is always very inspiring.
Sometimes when I look at the parents around me, what I observe is so much frustration and hurt. Resentfully pushing for kids to behave, feeling run down and under nourished they continue on this way. In my office a couple of guys who have kids joke around saying ‘don’t you ever have one!’. Yet does it have to be this way? I feel from what you share Matilda we can see it’s easy to put others before yourself and be ‘the good guy’ but it’s clear to me it just doesn’t work. Whilst we might get short term solutions we build up a resentment debt that costs us dearly in ways we haven’t even understood. Now I have written this I can see you certainly don’t have to be a parent to behave this way, just anyone who puts an outcome or agenda before the truth.
Someone who lives with self care is always noticed well before they speak.
The other thing that seems to come with self care is checking out – I have learnt that self care is really much more about checking in. Noticing how my body is, energy levels, what food am I craving not out of discipline but from an undertanding about what all these things can tell me about how I am living.
Self-care doesn’t need a book to tell you how to do it, rather it needs a willingness to see yourself as worth of deep care, and then the discovery of your own self-care begins.
I was reminded of this again recently, “What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves.” I was with a young boy at a dinner party and when it came to desert he asked me if I would like some, before I answered his Mum said, ‘No Aimee doesn’t eat sugar’… this young boy looked at me like he had never seen or heard of someone who chose not to eat certain foods because of how it made them feel. He ate the desert but you could see the excitement or normality of it had been changed by seeing something different. We are always being watched and our reflections are far more powerful then we like to admit at times.
It is our living way that is needing self-care to be the foundation of, it is such an important task in life that it is being irresponsible when we don’t as it doesnt support us to be all that we are, while when we do our essence is more prominent.
I can appreciate the way in which handles are opened – is there a grip that has a force way beyond the weight of the door? And what of the imprint that is left behind for the next person, what do they get to feel?
The other great revelation I got from this blog today is that self-care is not about escapism or retreat or narcissism or separating ourselves from others – it is about living a normal life fully engaged in community and actually the things we do may not actually change that much, however we can focus on the quality of how we do all the little normal daily tasks that of course we need to honour.
Great point you make here Matilda that we have got the meaning of this word responsibility a bit warped for we often label people as responsible citizens those who are running around taking care of everyone else at the expense of themselves, when surely our first and foremost responsibility in life is to take deep care of ourselves which means honouring our own being, so that the quality of everything we do in the world is not loaded with anything else other than pure love.
Thanks Matilda… yes teaching self-care ( as well as listening and expression) to teachers is incredibly rewarding ( and revealing!). It is something that is hardly considered at all, and this whole subject is essential for the quality of what is being presented to all our children.
Our walk and movements certainly do a lot of ‘talking’. I am learning and deepening my understanding of just how vital self care is to the quality of my walk and movements. A beautiful and confirming blog to read thank you Matilda.
I concur. There is nothing to be learnt when we’re told ‘do what I say, not what I do’. I’ve been observing lately myself how the choices I make to look after myself ever so slowly rub off on people who at some point would have scoffed at the idea. In fact, I was one of those people….hard as nails, not believing for a second that I was worth taking the time to truly care for myself. But seeing people around me walk their talk, gradually I was able to appreciate that difference it was making and I chose to start doing the same for myself.
Children are very smart, they listen to role models who ‘walk their talk’ and can spot a mile away when we are not living what we teach.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others”. This is really such a self-evident truism it is quite remarkable that it is frowned upon as being selfish, which is like a form of self-abuse.
What you have expressed here Matilda is such a simple, strong, powerful statement of fact; I love the message it conveys;
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility”.
Your blog is such a beautiful reminder of our responsibility to self care.
Its interesting to consider how the caring of others can only be steadily achieved through care for self. That realisation that care for others without self care is either poor in quality or steadily building to a point of collapse. Either way the actual care is not true because it is built on a foundation that lacks love, I could certainly feel a strong tension whenever I put myself out too much to help someone else, and how it doesn’t actually feel good, and is definitely not caring in any way whatsoever.
And when we care for others from a foundation of self-care and love it is joyous for both the career and the cared for.
Lack of self-care and therefore responsibility indeed feeds an apathetic nature of expectations for others to do what we are not prepared to do for ourselves. But there is much harm that comes from the abdication of responsibility and yet as you have shown, much inspiration that comes from living true care for oneself. The domino effect of which, is truly beautiful.
Such a beautiful reminder Matilda to deeply care for and nurture ourselves, thus enabling us to deeply care for and nurture others.
‘The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told’ this is so true. And I have seen this happen so many times someone telling another not to do something when they do it themselves .. like a parent telling their child not to drink whilst drinking! So yep walking the talk is definitely important and something that Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine absolutely do.
We have the very basic responsibility to take care of ourselves. But how many of us truly take this responsibility? And how many of us as parents then reflect for their children to really take care of themselves? The reflection we see in the world tells us the state of relationship we are with ourselves, and there is always more to deepen and reflect. Ultimately, we cannot give this responsibility to others–as no one but ourselves can truly feel what is going on in our own bodies, this is a responsibility that with the amazing support of health care and medical system, we still have to deal with ourselves.
Could it be that we focus on everywhere else then taking care of ourselves, which in truth is innate and should be simple, but we don’t want to and get more recognition and attention out of not caring for ourselves?
Awesome blog reminding us that the level of care and love we have for ourselves will be the level of love and care we have for others … so what do we choose and where does this choice come from?
“…if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others…”
This is absolute truth and dissolves the belief that to take care of oneself could be in any way selfish. Indeed the fact that we would even be led to believe this shows us how far we have strayed from the truth of who we are. This is not to say that some of us are not out for ourselves in the sense that we at times only consider what we will gain out of a certain situation regardless of the impact it will have on others – this does happen but this is not what is in question here, for that is an act of pure self with no care for anyone else. What we are discussing here is that in order to ‘get ourselves out of the way’ and be of true service to others, we first need to deeply love, care, honour and nurture ourselves in order that we do not push ourselves to the side and help another at great expense to ourselves. For example, we would never offer another an empty cup and expect them to be replenished by it. This is not selfish as you say Matilda, but a deeply caring action with its roots in a great love for all and thus whole-hearted service to this.
We just cannot do anything for another that we do not do for ourselves. I have tried for many years and wondered why they weren’t doing it for themselves! Letting go of the attachment and simply focusing on building foundations of self-care is very powerful all round.
So often we think that self care involves the things that we do, brushing our hair, moisturising our bodies, etc. etc. For me, it’s not that at all. I can still brush my hair and moisturise my body while thinking that I’m stupid, not good enough, or that I’ve made a huge mess… Self care really isn’t about what we do, but about how we do whatever we are doing.
It is true that if we are irresponsible with our lives and how we choose to live, down the line there will be more need for medical assistance, families are burdened by us being ill all the time, we cannot work as well as we should and companies take the brunt of our low energy and lack of enthusiasm – the list is endless.
It is actually selfish If we do not care for our self first as we often end up needing care from another further down the track from our irresponsibility of not taking care of self. So it is opposite to what many of us have been brought up with.
“In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.” The awareness we have when we are present with every movement in our daily activities is what uncovers the true wisdom of our bodies and that is a huge learning for life and how we in turn live in it.
There is a ripple effect no matter how we are treating ourselves, but the outcomes are very different – chalk and cheese.
I really like your last sentence Matilda – “It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I am certainly inspired by many others in this way.” – This is very true, the walk does the talking as nothing else will.
“In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.” It is so awesome when we truly check in and reflect on how we are with ourselves. Like you said, staying present and truly self-caring is so beautiful, and the level of appreciation for myself that I have discovered is lovely to behold.
I remember this too – “We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers! ” Nowadays I am very aware of what my body needs and do take heed.
Self-care must be very powerful in its ability to re-introduce our bodies and our true selves back to us, to have so many negative beliefs associated with it. Its almost like there is a smoke screen warning us not to self-care, just in case we do find ourselves again.
You raise a salient point, if we care for others in the energy of exhaustion or resentment what is the quality of care another feels and receives? Is it really care or an imposition on another?
The power of our reflection must not be underestimated.
Great to re-read this and to re-visit those everyday so called mundane things we do, to see if we can deepen our relationship with them.
There is no greater teacher than example.
Absolutely jstewart we can talk until we are blue in the face but if we are not reflecting a living example by walking the walk we are not offering all of who we are.
The doors are such a good opportunity to check in and feel where we are at. I have been most of the time conscious of this and how I am when going through the door also which is cool. Today I started it with an Esoteric Yoga session and I soon realised that what I had accepted as my gentle tender qualities as going through the door how this was nowhere near to the quality it can be. What I have also come to realise is that you can’t force this tenderness it comes from connecting within and feeling how precious we really are from this place and then all movements are totally different.
This is a perfectly timed read for me. I have one mouth and two legs! Let’s not mention the two ears and two eyes – if I use my body parts in full in those percentages I will share so much more than I could with speech. In fact, when I do speak it will come more fully from my body.
The attitude or mind-set that says we should override our body’s signals is quite pervasive – it’s like in that way of thinking we see our body as the lesser ‘thing’ and totally miss how innately intelligent it is.
Very true, Fiona, it is like wearing blinkers and when we take them off, the mind-set to override our body, one’s awareness of the world is so much greater, brighter and fuller.
In every moment we can move in a way that supports the body or in a way that is in disconnection to the body. When I do the later all of my choices after this are often of the same quality and will often lead to poorer food choices, pushing myself, lifting things that are too heavy etc.
It is really fun to experiment with taking one so called mundane thing in life and bringing more awareness to it. Then we have the opportunity to expand that awareness and bring it to everything!
It also shows us that there is nothing mundane in life and as Serge Benhayon has shared “everything is everything and nothing is nothing”.
There is much to be said about walking the talk, the importance is beyond what most can fathom. Not only do we visually see what another is walking but we feel what energy they are walking. This being true then we need to look at what energy we are choosing to do these caring actions in, for it is not the action that we are responding to but the energy. It’s a movement that goes far beyond our temporal actions, this movement starts within.
You make it very clear that self care comes down to very simple things, very practical and with no effort whatsoever other then being present with ourselves.
“In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level. ” I very much agree, it’s often in the smallest tasks that we can remind ourselves that life is about love first and foremost and it begins in this moment with us, love makes the most mundane tasks exquisite.
I love what you have shared Matilda, especially these words speak to me today, thank you, “My experience of doing this has been really profound. In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level. The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness? ” Respect is a big one for me I have been wanting respect from others but have I been respectful with myself? Time to test it out.
Beautiful Matilda, ‘In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level’, I can feel reading this how these tasks can be done on auto pilot and how the simple everyday things get labelled as ‘boring’ and that we often just want to ‘get them done’, rather than actually really enjoying carrying out these tasks in connection with ourselves and that there is no need to rush through them but to actually enjoy them. I can feel this with cleaning and a lot of everyday tasks that I now really enjoy whereas I used to think they were a pain and something I had to do.
It is easy to imagine that making self a martyr is somehow noble and is for the greater good, but when you spell out the true picture:
– without taking care of ourself we are unable to run on all cylinders however you look at it
– we feed society’s expectation and demand for people to accept abusive frameworks
– we play out a role model for others to only focus on outcome at the expense of their wellbeing
– and we are by default expecting others to pay the price of our irresponsible choice of taking care of ourselves when we finally can’t cope
……. then it no longer looks so glamorous.
This is a perfect blog for me to read this morning, I am sensing a whole deeper level of understanding about how we get to not value ourselves. This line made me giggle with horror though at its familiarity and the reality of my burn out – I dread to think what it would have been like to be on the receiving end of my martyrdom eeek “either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.”
Twice this week I have stepped out of the house and realised I was not dressed warmly enough. In the past I would not have bothered to go back. There is something about retracing my steps that irks me, but I’m so glad to be changing that habit. In both cases I did return for an extra jumper and it made all the difference to the rest of my day since I really hate being cold.
On reflection I do not feel we do this as much as we used to ‘We often champion the idea that putting others before ourselves is something to aspire to,’ I remember growing up this used to be quite a bit thing .. always put others first but now we seem to be a more selfish society. I also remember my mum saying to me ‘oh you look cold put a jumper on!’ when she was the one that was feeling cold!
The championing of martyrdom in our society is perverse, as it falsely develops and gives permission to a culture of self-abuse to be accepted as ‘normal’. All the while our bodies are screaming to be cared for and respected, as can be seen by illness, disease and self-harm continuing to rise. In order for the love we are within to be honoured and freely lived we need to learn and accept that we are worth caring for to no end, in which we all can lead by example through the way we choose to loving life for ourselves.
It is truly powerful when we express from our lived experiences with others, as we then realise it is a deeper level of communication that allows the other the opportunity to feel the truth and be inspired by it whether they choose it or not.
A great expose in yes we may do simple everyday things that are seen to be in line with caring for ourselves like brushing our teeth, brushing our hair, putting cream on etc but are we truly with ourselves when we are doing these things?? Is there true love in these every day movements. I know for myself on many occasions the task is being done but I am thinking of something else so not 100% just with me in that moment or if I am not thinking of something else my body is already in the energy of what I need to do next. Thank you for bringing this awareness and opening up the discussion. This also shows the huge responsibility we all have in how our actions affect and what they reflect to others ‘In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.’
I like the idea of linking lack of self care to an abdication of responsibility. Often we look on those who do not self care as martyrs but also unfortunate victims of circumstances. But perhaps more accurately there is a lack of responsibility we are taking in our lives if we say I can’t do this for me as I have others to look after. We must make space in our lives to put our own care at the top of our life agenda, as otherwise everything we do is laced with a poor quality version of ourselves. Not always easy of course if you are say a full time carer, but this is where we must ask for support, and apply simple techniques in how we breathe and how we move.
Spot on Bryony, walking with presence also is an advantage, as does walking the talk. Walking is one of many ways that bring self-care to us.
What the future holds when we do not care for our-self is catastrophic for every aspect of humanity. All one has to do is look at retirement homes and aged care facilities to get an understanding of what is happening to our aged population. Self-care is not a magic bullet but something needs to be done as the baby boomers are about to hit the age where aged care is going to hit a crisis point. Being responsible for our own self-care is so important and by being at least gentle and feeling what foods do to us makes a huge difference. This is a giant step forward and has turned my life around from being one where I was lost and heading towards an aged facility to now I feel rejuvenated so that life is full.
Bringing awareness and conscious presence is something that sounds so simple but when you really apply it to the depth that is possible it transform what ever you are doing and you can feel the focus comes back to the quality of how you are when you are doing what ever it is. I have found this to be an ever deepening process.
We very much underestimate the importance of self-care. Without self-care everything that we do will be from a place of emptiness within ourselves, which is trying to be filled, and this is not a true quality of energy to be doing things in. Bring the love to ourselves first and then there will be an abundance of love left over for everyone else.
We feed ourselves food, but we also feed ourselves in other ways, how we care for and treat ourselves set the bar for how we allow ourselves to be treated by others. After all we cannot expect others to take care of us if we do not care for ourselves, it truly is an abdication of responsibility. Life feeds us back, how much care do we put in with our own care, how much do we do our own part?
Monica the way you have played on words in such a self-caring way is a joy to read. I appreciate how much is needed to live a life of being self-caring as a loving choice that benefits everyone.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’ – and this is what true Love is, being able to Love ourselves, nurture who we are and appreciate this and then from here we can be that with others. Then we have real relationships that are based on what Love really is and not the emotional Love we have all settled for.
How we care and nurture ourselves and to what extent and detail is a living quality that everyone gets wherever we are. It can be felt in our absence and likewise in our presence.
There is forever a calling to go deeper and to refine our care and love and to express all that we are in any given moment.
I love the way you took one seemingly mundane thing and gave it extra focus and attention, clocking and building your level of presence and thus true self-care. Without presence, it ain’t happening!
There is great beauty found in the most mundane tasks I find because we can be more aware of the depth and quality in which we move in. For me I love feeling my fingertips when I wrap a gift at work or when I wrap my dressing gown around my body. Feeling the sensitivity we hold is the magic to the depth of love we hold and that quality of care is with every one of us.
When we consider the pure simplicity of self care in our daily lives and that a true lasting choice can be chosen in any moment, naturally so…. it then begs the question as to why we put so much effort and energy into creating anything but true and introducing great complexity to our lives?
If we do not walk the talk and practice what we preach then we offer zero to another to lift them to their own inner-most truth.
As ever I am inspired yet again by this blog. Today I make the choice to look at taking myself for a walk every day as an equal part of my foundational routine for self care as brushing my teeth. It has been a tension that has been bubbling under the surface and your blog just brings it to the fore!
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others…” A true statement Matilda that bowing to the pressures of life we don’t always adhere to, making what is in front and outside of us more important than the quality of our wellbeing and therefore unable to offer others a true quality of care.
What a beautiful reflection you offer Matilda – an open invitation for others to observe and feel how you self-care is super beneficial and nurturing to our bodies and well-being.
‘In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.’ I love how this simple reflection of self-care has had such an impact. Goes to show that walking our talk says it all.
Your whole blog is a testimonial of how powerful ‘walk the talk’ is and how acts of self care, even the smallest ones, should be appreciated to confirm ourselves how it provide the foundation for us and others in being aware and deepening this level of self care.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others”. This makes total sense but for some reason so many of us have a tendency to ignore this common sense and hope everything will be alright. And of course then what you have written could be expanded on by saying – ‘and if we continue to not take care of ourselves there may come a day when we become so ill that someone else will have to do so’; the consequence of our irresponsible behaviour, a consequence that in most cases could have easily been avoided.
I love the reminder that our every movement matters… every moment.
I really appreciate this post! I am a mother, and a therapist, so both in my professional and my daily life I am perpetually placed into a position of having to put others before myself. My colleague and I were just having a conversation around how we can cultivate a culture of self-care for the sake of being our best selves both in our work together as well as in our personal lives. You can’t pour from an empty cup and the more I remind myself of this the more I am finding time I previously thought didn’t exist to take care of myself in an intentional way.
I agree, we can never have too many reminders to self love.
Yes indeed, pouring from that empty cup! I often remind myself that I had set my life up to be completely about caring for others and it very nearly irreparably broke me. It wasn’t until I went to a heart chakra workshop with Serge Benhayon that he made that incredibly obvious point about not being able to care for another more than we care for ourselves. So obvious yet so not lived or understood by me then.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others,’ What I loved here Matilda is that by taking care of you by eg putting on a jumper, your children naturally started taking care of themselves by your reflection. You did not actually have to take care of them by fetching their jumpers, they simply learned through your own choice to take care of you. This is gold for us all.
I have found self care to be an exploration of how I move and asking myself is it supporting me or is there something more to discover here? I’m really enjoying walking at the moment and how my body feels when I walk particularly my feet. There is always something new to learn and discover to support our framework of our livingness. Self care is fundamental to our daily living and the choices we make.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ Absolutely. How beautiful it is that by taking loving care of ourselves we inspire others to do the same. The very energy we meet them in is that of loving care and although some may resist they cannot deny it’s presence.
This statement – The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish – is crazy town. True but crazy. It is such a trick to not allow ourselves the grace to take care of ourselves. I love the exercise you did for a week, of taking the mundane and bringing a deeper care to that. Lots for us to explore.
I asked myself, “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task? I love this question you asked yourself Matilda…. I can feel that many things I do are by ‘perfunctory habit, and something for me to bring more awareness to.
Self Care…. “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? …” Absolutely! the missing link is connection to the fullness, the quality and essence of you! Great blog Matilda, this is self-care 101!!
It is interesting when the saying “Walk the Talk” is used in all aspects of life. There are so many times we can hear people share what they do, how they do it and how there way of life is incredible. It is when we stop to observe their movements and actions that can often send a completely different signal. It is interesting how the body talks volumes of truth even thought the head is trying to sell a different story. This blog is great in sharing that the body and all its actions are the key in what we reflect to another. Everything is noticed even though we think it isn’t.
When we care for ourselves the potential ripple effects of inspiration for others can be immeasurable.
Absolutely Suse, when we self care, everyone gets the reflection and that reflection communicates so much more than words.
Most of us do not experience any modeling in true self care in our families. Regardless of this, if we were offered examples of a variety of things we may do for ourselves and the way these things were carried out each of us would be able to clearly discern which were truly self caring and which were not. The wisdom of the body is amazing and proves over and over free from having been taught – how we truly self care for our selves and how this feels. I absolutely agree that it is our responsibility to self-care and to reflect this to those around us in order to bring this self loving way back into our lives.
When we do things over and over it can be very habitual and we can do these things as if on automatum, like brushing our teeth for example. It is interesting that after an Esoteric Yoga session some time ago I went to brush my teeth and the care in which I did this surprised me. I was so present with every move that it became a loving and joyful experience. It was a ‘moment’ of celebration. My twice daily ritual of brushing my teeth is still enjoyable as I have allowed myself to continue being very caring at these times. Interestingly the health of my teeth has improved and continues to do so. Yesterday at the hygienist she was surprised and delighted that the pockets are still diminishing and my gums are looking better too, and this is without flouride which she finds hard to understand.
Self care is riddled with the title of self indulgence. It is often seen as an odd behaviour where someone is pampering or spending too much time on oneself. What is interesting to note is when we over work or don’t stop to rest we are given the title of a workaholic or held in high regard when we soldier on even though the body speaks volumes on the lack of self care.
The application of self care is actually super simple it seems, just that extra attention to detail in how we move and perform our everyday tasks, not necessarily anything out of the ordinary. We don’t for example need to attend a day spa and be pampered to self care, but instead just being gentler in our movements is a profound change. And for children, there is nothing more powerful for them than to observe such an approach, they learn more by seeing and feeling than they ever will by being told, and moreover it actually makes sense when it is role modelled.
Observing the lived life of Serge Benhayon and his family has shown me another way of living. Self care and the way you have modelled to these youngsters, students or your own children is ‘the way’ in which we are shown bit by bit, that love is the way!
Walking out talk is being an example for the world. We don’t even need to open our mouths, but through our way, and our movements, we are being a great support for the world.
Walking the talk of self-care and Love is an amazing journey . I am letting go all the time of ways that do not serve me any more.
Really beautiful blog Matilda Bathurst, thank you. I noticed yesterday how often I had become focused on ‘the next thing’ in my day, looking for a sense of satisfaction when the last thing was complete and some reward or other for that completion. I was not being in the true care of the moment and the quality of my day reflected this. I appreciate your reflection here that self-care is something that may start with the way we brush our teeth, or open a door – but in truth it extends to everything we do and how much self-love we choose in every moment.
Its no wonder people find it hard to put self care in with their priorities, when all around we get the message that its not important and the opposite is actually championed.
Thank you Matilda. Observing how we are with ourselves in our everyday and choosing to be more aware and more caring is a reflection to others that we all have an equal responsibility to and for ourselves and each other.
Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” Yes is the answer, great question for me as I observe I start the day in stillness and at some point during the day ( more like the morning) I go into the ‘doing’. But I am very aware of this and am bringing more attention to the quality I am in.
What you have expressed here Matilda is so true, thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom. Indeed our responsibility is to truly and actually walk the talk;
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility”.
Thank you Matilda, it is powerful to feel the reflection we can offer another from our lived experiences and the responsibility to live our lives in a consistent and loving way,
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ Yes Matilda, true self -care is not selfish, but the most loving thing one can do for all.
I often catch myself putting hand cream on harshly, it looks like I’m caring for myself but the truth is I’m being rough with my hands and hurting my skin. My hands are dry at the moment with the cold weather we are having so this will be what I will bring my attention to today. Am I putting cream on as just the next thing on my list to do, or am I bringing presence, tenderness and true care? I can feel already this is going to support me to stay present in my day as it will be a give me a moment to check in and clock where I am regularly through my day.
‘In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.’ This sentence from your blog has stuck in my mind. Do I drink enough water? Does the amount of water I drink impact those around me? Does telling someone to do something work or are we inspired and inflenced more by what another does?
Absolutely I completely agree ” we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring”. I have notice so many people around have started to bring in more loving choices for them selves as, I started to do that for me. From eating, drinking, wearing warm cloths, not rushing around, resting, going to bed early. This are just a few, its not happened because I told anyone, I have just done it for myself and they have been inspired to do for them.
The depth of what is available to us when we choose to honour ourselves and to self care has not been realised by humanity. Most people are still caught in the illusion that indulging in food, alcohol, entertainment or addictive pursuits and attachments are what it is all about. The more we self love the more it expands and we begin to realise we are only touching the surface of the loving impact we can have on ourselves and the lives of others.
The power is in our livingness. If simply having a bottle of water on your desk inspired your students to do the same…what else are you reflecting out to the world Matilda?
Making self loving choices may be seen as being selfish or up yourself but surely being responsible for our actions and the level of care we have towards ourselves is so far removed from being selfish, that in fact it is the opposite – because if we are in disregard people can feel it and then it affects them, and likewise when we are honouring ourselves people feel that also and can either react and dismiss or clock it and feel inspired. Either way our choices affect everyone either in a truly good way or a negative way.
I ran a little programme on myself over a few weeks of just taking a little bit more time in the bathroom… not rushing my teeth, allowing myself to stand in the shower for a minute longer than what was required to get clean, even taking a moment longer just to enjoy massaging my face rather than just enough to lather up for a shave. It’s incredible the difference…. and how I feel when I allow just a little more space into my life.
Through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I am learning that we can give ourselves a greater form of self-care through being with our movements. How are we moving throughout our day? Are we rushing, stressed, checked-out or are we allowing our grace, tenderness, beauty .. all the qualities that come innately from our essence within to emanate and flow with our movements … even opening up a car door or picking up a pen. This is something I will forever be learning and evolving with and has brought a whole new meaning, and truth, to self-care.
Purpose plays a big part in how we choose to self care and when we make everything we do about bringing all of the tender love and care we are to each and every moment, the consistency of this way of moving has a domino effect throughout our lives. This is something i am exploring more and more lately too.
I can so relate. There are so many things I do that might look like they fall under the umbrella of ‘self care’, although when I think about it, I am often already onto the next task and not actually present with whatever it is I’m doing….so this actually negates the intention. Allowing myself to be aware of this certainly helps pull me into line.
One of the greatest evils on earth is the misinterpretation and misuse of word. I say that as a rather big and revealing fact, because there are a lot and I mean a lot of things we tend to say without knowing the true meaning of it. For example, have you ever said something like “I love you” to someone else and it has been said just to please them or because you think you love them? This is a misinterpretation of the word love and what it truly means. It is clear from your blog Matilda is the fact that it is through our living way that shows a true example of the meaning of word not necessarily by what we can say.
Taking care of ourselves in a deeply nurturing way means that quality is in all that we do and take to others.
Great blog Matilda… and yes, I agree, Self care, is more than just attending to the the self grooming, and “…mundane’ things, like brushing my teeth, putting cream on, getting dressed, boiling the kettle, cooking etc…” as these ‘mundane things’ offer moments of bringing a closer and deeper attention, or connection with your body. It offers those moments that are free of distraction and brings you back to yourself – definitely a needed moment in a world that is fun of distraction. And its not checking-out of the world either, as these moments allow you to bring a greater quality of you to whatever job, work, family friends etc. you do.
I could feel the playfulness in the honesty of running back into the house to get a sweater after stepping outside and it being too cold! I have done that many time – to the point where I finally considered taking a sweater just in case, much to the relief of my ever patient family.
To ‘walk our talk’ is to ensure that our ‘movements match our mouth’ in the sense that we are not saying one thing yet moving in a way that is in opposition to this. The old adage ‘do as I say and not as I do’ comes to mind here… After an initial chuckle it actually becomes quite alarming how out of sync the vast majority of us live in this respect because we are all saying one thing yet busy doing another! There is immense power (true alchemy) in simple gestures if these gestures (movements) contain the depth of our true self that is our Soul and thus the great love that we are and are born from.
I love that Matilda – the walk does a lot of the talking! So true. I have found children and young people are much less interested in the yabber that comes out of our mouths and much more interested in what we actually do. If the talk and walk don’t match they lose respect and trust which wobbles their sense of safety in the world.
This is a wonderful ‘leap’ of awareness… that lack of self-care is an abnegation of responsibility that in turn affects everyone…. Because…. We are all connected.
I told a mother who was overworked and always putting her son’s needs before herself, that she was actually harming him by doing so. She was clearly shocked and thought I was talking nonsense but the exhausted energy she was doing everything in was clearly not helping anyone. By honouring ourselves first and making sure that we are ok leads us to be able to function so much better so everyone is the winner.
As I read the title… ‘Self Care… Walking the talk’ I realised that this statement encapsulates everything I have learnt about self care, as sometimes walking actually supports you to get connected and feel your body if you are feeling out of sorts – and when we feel connected to your body, then this movement can confirm and magnify this connection simply through walking. And if you think about it, we walk everywhere… not just in exercise, but around our house and our work place. So we literally are walking the talk of expressing that connection we have with our body, with love, with our soul, and its available at any moment of the day to get and feel connected. Walking – really is self care (Re-Connection).
Its the “… super simple and ‘mundane’ things, like brushing my teeth, putting cream on, getting dressed, boiling the kettle, cooking etc….” through which you discover those magic moments of reconnecting back to your body, to love and to your soul… The awareness of love through these self caring moments changes everything.
Your experiment with self care is so practical and rather than telling someone that they need to look after themselves but to ask them to commit to an experiment as you did will speak much louder that words. The world asks us to be the opposite of what is shared here – we are asked to achieve, to push through and drive ourselves, even applauded for ‘doing’ 3 or 4 things at once and then if we become unwell we can be admonished for not looking after ourselves better. I loved you example of taking a bottle of water to class and having it on your desk and how the observation of students meant they started to do the same – I wonder if they were aware that this was simply self-care? Your comment – ‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’. – is so true as the flow on effect influences self and others deeply.
It is so beautiful to see how when one person makes the choice to honour themselves and their bodies truth, others around get offered a very clear example of what beauty and simplicity is offered when they do they same.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’ – absolutely true, and added to that we are presenting an example (dare I say it an inspiration) for others to follow in our footsteps and play out the same pattern of behaviour.
Agreed, and great to hear this and action it before the fall over happens. Proactively being engaged in our health and wellbeing.
Matilda, I love your examples of how taking care of yourself inspired others to do the same. Something similar happened to me. I always dress up warm to go out into the cold and wear gloves. Over time I inspired another, who claimed ‘to not feel the cold’ and used it as a badge of honour, to do the same. Much more can be communicated in what we do rather than say.
Why do we always have an end point in mind. Like say when we build a house or start a business, once one door is at the lock up stage and the other is at the open stage we tend to sit back. It’s like we have built in for ourselves these on off switches. We turn them on when we need to and then turn them off and coast for a while until the next time we need to turn them on. I look around at how things are and this is how we seem to live and nowadays unless it’s right in your face we don’t tend to turn the switch on. What if at that point it’s already too late and why do we wait and wait for so long. There are many many things I see in the world that don’t make sense to how I feel and while I am understanding them more I am also seeing how me turning off to them is actually giving them more force. If we are seeing something in our life is needing change then how we bring this change and the urgency for this change is important. We are all connected, everything is connected and so living our lives in isolation or living part of our life as more important than another supports the world to do the same. There is a lot more personal responsibility we have or we care to consider but that doesn’t mean it stops or goes away. It just means we fuel the irresponsibility in the world from us not wanting to look personally at all of our life and how we are.
We often hear about ‘being yourself’ but what your words suggest to me Matilda, is that self care is simply nurturing and cherishing our presence with everything we do. Then we literally do walk the walk and talk our talk without distraction and thoughts that aren’t true.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” Well said, I know for me I drop the self care very quickly when stress occurs, or I have a lot going on, instead of the self care increasing, I tend to let it go. So it was great to read what you shared, to look at it in a different light, that it is ALL about responsibility.
I agree with your sharing “We learn more by example” this to me is the truth. For how can a child make changes in their own lives if they have no role model to follow . This comes back to being in the Livingness as taught and lived by Serge Benhayon.
I have read this blog before and yet when I started reading it I couldn’t remember. A bit of the way through triggered a memory that I had already read it. As the blog is saying the way I read the first part last time I must have been somewhere else while reading it and now I have read the blog more fully. I have always had this picture of an end point or similar to a tick the box. So like reading this blog, you get to the end, done you’ve read it. But there is no mention of quality, no mention of how you are feeling, the focus alone is on getting it done in an achievement type way. So we may say it’s just a blog why bother but as I’m also learning everything is connected and so even something so simple as this is a reflection for everything and so another reading is required. In other words and as the blog is saying bring detail and true care to even the smallest thing or part of your life and it will automatically be there in everything else.
I have read this for the second time today and had an entirely different experience this time too. I am much more aware of the detail this time – something I am consciously working on because I have tended to focus on the ‘big picture’. Connecting with detail is really quite ‘delicious’ and brings home the truth that ‘God is in the detail’. My, how much I have missed by not living this way!
Thank you for your comment Ray, after reading it I re-read the blog again and even though I would have said I was present, I noticed how I would skim over the words to get the drift and then move on wanting to get to the end, even though I knew what was coming. Like you have said everything is a reflection.
It’s not about perfection or giving ourselves a hard time, it’s more about seeing that we are constantly learning or consistently expanding and never settling for better. Nor is about an improvement as we are already everything we are before we do anything. Seeing life and moments in life as another chance, choice or opportunity to bring more of what we truly are out. Life seems to go in the way of better and then we settle where life is truly an ever expanding point of learning, or should we say relearning. This is not a new thing or new way but an old way of being in relationship that we walked away from for better.
It is so super awesome that as a teacher you are choosing to live this. What a blessing it is for the students, fellow teachers, parents and even humanity. The solid foundation of someone living as solid as a rock is often what we seek to live in life or at least desire for someone to guide us through life with this sort of wisdom. Truth is we all can be that rock as it’s foundation is love and we can all live love
A beautiful blog to come back to that shows us the simplicity that life is and how very caring and loving we can be with ourselves in any moment. How beautiful to open a door with the observation whether “Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness? “
Inspiring to read this again Matilda, and a great reminder that as we are into a new year a stock take of choices is called for. Along with remembering that others benefit from our self loving choices.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” I love this Matilda, it may seem to some extreme, but it is absolutely true, I have experienced both and neither is a loving way to be, and both are irresponsible ways to live.
A great observational story of how to care for ourselves through simple tasks, my experience is that the very act of considering how I move changes the whole quality of the movement itself. It is something that I can feel has been lived before and it is a choice to return to that quality of care in action.
It really is in all the little things that we can do that can deepen our self love and care for ourselves. It is the self honouring, that builds over time and they then go into our foundations of life.
And my feeling is that what all of this amounts to is building space. When I get consciously present and get aware in which quality I do things then I slowly build space. It’s like a dome in which I feel bigger than I physically am and it’s quite pleasant. It’s as if this space gives me the room to expand and be who I am beyond my physicality, my being can have its body that is beyond my physical one.
When something is offered from duty rather than love it is not nourishing or does not truly connect. When self -care is embodied there is a quality of love that communicates.
We know how to hold others in gestures of true care and love.. how often do we offer ourselves these same gestures?
Care of any kind comes with an essential ingredient, namely Love and we can’t put a cap on Love – it just loves to run freely and continuously.
Thank you Matilda, my own level of self-care is ever deepening and I realise that this may expose others disregard and lack of love for themselves, but the only way to show them that it is okay to love and nurture ourselves, is as you say, by reflection which means I hold a responsibility, not only to myself, but to those around me, and if you want to look at the bigger pictures, and there is always a bigger picture, everyone.
I love the acceptance in this comment that there is no end point to reach. Everything, including self-care, is always developing and changing, which means we can always be learning. I find this inspiring.
The norm at the moment is to care for others and then perhaps expect medicine or others to fix the state we are in. This norm also does not connect the dots between our everyday choices and how unwell we can get. And, the big hook within it all is that we are good kids, people, family members, friends, mothers, workers etc etc because we “do for others”, yet we degrade and deplete our own physical health and overall wellbeing in the process. What I am seeing around me is that this norm of putting ourselves and our own care last (if at all) is everwhere, it is literally like an epidemic.
The key in life is to get ourselves out of the way so that we can be of true service to others. However, this does not mean pushing ourselves out of the way and helping someone else at the expense of us, nor does it mean selfishly and lavishly indulging the self on our part. It simply means that we need to master how to love, care and nurture ourselves in the deepest and truest sense before we can then love, care and nurture another. We would not offer another an empty cup and expect them to drink and thus be quenched from it.
Self- Care is a forever process that naturally deepens and reveals more and more of our infinite treasure within.
It is incredible the impact of all our choices and behaviours it can be positive as you share and also not so in the case of over eating or drinking too much. We are very powerful beings!
Self care should in time naturally lead to care for others, as it leads to an embodied state of being that cannot help but express itself to the outside world in equal measure. If it does not, then yes it is indulgent.
I love the clear distinction you make here Adam, that true self care naturally leads to the equal quality of care for others, as this is the quality being lived. Self care is a living way of being not a ‘doing’.
It’s not just that the holding back of honouring our own feelings is bad for our health, but it has a big harm on others too. They get confused by the conflicting messages we give, communication breaks down and trust dissolves too. When we do the simple things we feel to do, as you show Matilda, they actually teach and support others too. Then there really is no need for us to push to get others to conform. When we lead the way, we naturally take others along. So what are we waiting for?
This is a great of example of the ripple effect and the power of reflection and how everything really is energy and everything is because of energy.
There is so much joy, space and true care that can be had in one single simple action, that has an effect that is absolutely monumental energetically.
The societal championing of mothers who self-sacrifice is rampant. The same goes for self-care as often self care gets branded as selfish. But when you break it down it is crazy. How can anyone argue with self-care at its core? How can caring for yourself so that you then have a fullness to offer others be labelled selfish?
Great questions, Nikki. Ones that start the conversations that can change the ‘rules’ that keep us in ill patterns of beliefs.
I used to be the same with my children, telling them to wrap up warm when they went outside or take care when they were driving when they got older. One of my sons replied no, he was going to deliberately drive recklessly (as a joke) in response one day, which exposed what a silly statement it is. As we look after ourselves more, it is a great reflection for others to feel more responsibility for themselves.
Your first line grabbed me “The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.” This is so very true, so we get caught up in the fact that we are being selfish, that we can’t possibly put someone else out, even though we are putting ourselves out. There is a learning, I know certainly for myself that, it is ok for us to be selfish and to put ourselves first, this will in turn support all others.
When we see another taking care to look after themselves, I have observed it’s the energy we clock and want to emulate and live. For example when a lunch box is packed to nurture a vital body and support purpose in the day, it is different to taking something for lunch. Energetically that lunch box packed with love, shares that love with all and can be felt.
This is a beautiful example of the difference between function and living with care… thank you.
What I love about your blog Matilda is that you have highlighted that its about the way that you are doing what you are doing that is self care. The way that you are choosing to be with yourself is what is inspiring to others, not what you are doing. I love your family joke too, When did caring for others come at the expense of ourselves?
Highlighting the joke, Jennifer, it should be a joke that caring for others over and above ourselves is something that is still championed and admired in society… it is a madness that leaves our health service burdened and humanity out of kilter and unhappy.
It is often daily I come across people who think that self-care is self indulgent and selfish. It is through conversations such as these ones, that we can begin to break down these ideals and beliefs so that self-care becomes the new normal, because without self-care we can never truly love or support another.
Word have so much more meaning when they are delivered from someone who lives them.
I couldn’t agree more that when we care for ourselves our bodies start to respond and every activity be it something you enjoy doing or a more mundane task becomes an enjoyable expression of you in movement. Life really can take on a different way when you live more connected.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others” This is so true and imagine learning this as a child with the reflection form our parents that not taking true care of ourselves is a not taking responsibility in this world with all the love we are.
It is not just the overt ways in which we may dishonour ourselves and put ourselves second but also in the holding back of our Love for ourselves and from others to any degree and the subtle ways in which we may avoid or deny deeply accepting our divinity and power.
True Self- care is still something very unfamiliar to many woman myself included self-love a self -nurturing I still have thoughts of what I could or should be doing or achieving rather than nurturing myself along with thoughts of guilt. The more I let go of these patterns the move love I am able to be with myself and naturally express with others.
I had been taught from an early age not to put myself first, always to wait for others to go first or give something to others before myself. So these old thoughts needed challenging when in the past few years, I’ve been putting myself first more. I love it on a plane when the hostess doing the life saving procedures always says to put on our own face mask first before helping others, even children. At last the message is changing.
Yes Gill, it is a well entrenched teaching in society, to put others before ourselves and it does take a shift in understanding to counter this. I know, working in health care and education, that the people of greatest service to others are those that do prioritise taking care of themselves… their care and support of others is sustainable, sensitive and often without any need for reciprocation, which is very beautiful to feel.
… “the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level…” This shows just how we can incorporate self care in every aspect of our day… A statement that you often hear is ‘I don’t have enough time to self care’ but in fact… we do!
Matilda, I find this so important that it is how I do the caring for myself, as in do I put cream on my body feeling my hands as I tenderly put it on, focussing on this, being present with me or is my mind thinking of other things, running them over off somewhere else. Bringing this quality to my self care has brought about a deep change to how I am with myself and with others.
It’s funny how self-care is seen as selfish, yet the ONLY way to be able to work hard and to totally commit to whatever is in front of you is to take absolute care of your body.
In a nutshell, Meg… debunking the ridiculous notion that taking care of ourselves is selfish, rather than a totally essential responsibility… brilliant.
Yeah – I love it – taking care our ourselves is a totally essential responsibility, and the only way to proceed forward in life.
this particular foiable “Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others..” is like a virus that has spread through society… It takes an enormous toll, and yet is barely acknowledged for being the dysfunctional plague that it is
Great point Chris, an epidemic that is expected by many. There are times when a reflection of self-care is offered that a reply comes in the form of a curious look, as if to say “are you really doing that for your self”?
If we do not care for ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom’. When we can see the resentment we carry for doing everything for others first without truly caring for ourselves then we can understand our reactions, patterns and behaviours and start to change them. Self care is the foundation that supports us to support others and to feel what is true for us and what is not; We can only truly love another when we truly love ourselves. And we can only change patterns of resentment when we nurture the relationship we have with ourselves.
We can only shirk our responsibility if our bodies are unable to fulfill what we need them to, so yes, lack of self-care seems like an abdication of responsibility.
This sentence really stood out for me this morning ‘If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’, and I was reminded of when I worked in the care industry tending the elderly. The most common thing I observed was how stressed the staff were and how the system was set up to create even more stress, and no one, myself included would look after themselves whilst out on the job.
That is my observation too, Julie. That when we work in health care we put ourselves under enormous stress and anxiety, when much of the care and inspiration for others comes very simply from the way we live, walk and take care of ourselves.
It’s really a turn of the tables, where by it is actually selfish to not take care of ourselves! Reasoning being that we then rely on the health care system more, medication and doctors. Our vitality can decrease making it difficult to play with our children, or look after our ageing parents. There are so many factors that lack of self-care has an affect on.
This is beautiful Matilda.
When I reflect on my life, most often I have learned by observation and then applying what I have observed to my own life. Sometimes this has been to my detriment, as in doing something another does in order to seem ‘cool’ and to fit in. More so now it has been in support of myself, finding my own way with what has been observed, making it a part of my way of living, from a loving self-study or self experiment, not a ‘wannabe’.
The belief that self care is indulgent or selfish and the guilt this comes with is sometimes a hard one to break, especially when it has been drummed into us from a young age that we should always put others first to be a so called good person. By fully leaning the importance of self care we are then able to help and support others in a far truer way.
Absolutely Kev… ‘far truer’, sustainable and actually a more inspiring way, since we then get to see in someone else the benefits and service of taking responsible care of ourselves.
It’s such a good point that we just aim to ‘get things done’ without giving any thought or effort to the quality with which we do things. If we live in a way that is purely functional then that is all that we will experience. By creating space to take care of the quality we can give ourselves a new experience which gives life an extra dimension.
If we don’t learn how to take care of ourselves who will? There is a lot of support there when we make that movement towards supporting ourselves first.
Being “…Attentive to what I was doing right in that moment…” is self care in a nut shell, as that attention has the capacity to bring you back into your body and in this connection with our body is that self caring moment… remembering you and your body whilst ‘doing’ something. Awesome blog Matilda, thank you!
A few years ago I had not heard the phrase self-care, I certainly had not made myself a priority and self-cared….it now is part of my every day life. All those days, I felt tired, grumpy, cold, ill etc and I did not offer myself any true care. Self-care is essential to true health and well-being, it is the part of the equation that is often sorely missed from medical advice, parenting and general conversation.
Yes, there is a lot to be said for walking your talk and the power that that comes with. When we say something from our heads, it’s often regurgitated information that we have just remembered and retained and so its not alive, it actually feels quite empty. Whereas, when we speak from our own lived experience of something, we are getting it from our bodies and the expression comes to life and inspires another with that same spark within them. Many have been confirmed in this way through another’s lived expression.
For most of my life, Self-Care was an alien phrase. I had chosen a path of least resistance and glided through life. There were the years of self-abuse at the cost of my body and had disappeared into a life that was, the normal standard that surrounded me. I have now chosen to become and island with self-care and feeling into what my body needs in the sea of madness most still call the normal. When we walk the talk with how we are living, there is never a need for words!
It is mind blowing how when we step up and nurture ourselves more, those around us are inspired to do so as well, so your island Steve is one of true inspiration.
I agree with you Matilda, lack of self-care is an abdication of responsibility; lack of responsibility to ones-self and then in turn what flows to humanity. I am learning that self-care begins with simple every day movements in every moment. A beautiful reflection thank you.
The focus of self care in general understanding tends to focus on the ‘doing’ or ‘what treat’ we give ourselves. But you show there is more to the ‘doing’ by the way these moments have the capacity to reconnect us to our body and then this brings so much space, love and steadiness to everything about the way we do something. What a moment self care can bring!
it is extraordinary but sadly true that when presenting on the basics of self-care in professional development courses, many people feel immediate guilt at the idea of ‘spending’ time on self-nurturing.
It is rather a sad state of affairs that we need these self-care and professional development courses in the first place when innately our true way of being is to love ourselves and everyone else equally. But we appear to have forgotten our true origins, therefore need reminding, and then feel guilty about implementing those self-caring choices!
This sounds like the guilt of choosing to not truly nurture themselves, and deep down knowing that this cannot actually support another.
Learning by watching the example of others and how they are is the best way I have found true care for myself. I can feel such a sense of knowing from someone who cares for themselves, there’s a presence of flow, no matter what is going on around them. There’s never a panic or a flap, even when things don’t go according to plan, there’s always a new learning to be had.
‘The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish’… this statement is sad but true Matilda. But until we begin to care for ourselves, in a true way, then no one will get a true reflection of someone who cares for themselves deeply, and it is okay to love ourselves first, which then leads to a deeper love for everyone else.
Brendan, I hadn’t really appreciated that our movements are communicating the whole time whether we are speaking at that moment or not. Our focus is so much on what we say, saying the right thing yet to do this we are missing the point that our movements are constantly communicating. When I see someone walking with the Universe their movements speak very loudly because most of us are walking through life with some sense of giving up or life is hard etc.,
There is so much more gold in the detail than I ever could have imagined.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’ – I have observed in my everyday living that it is easy to get caught up in the flow of what is happening around me which encourages everything to do with not loving and caring for myself. I used to believe that loving myself was making time to participate in a competitive game or indulge in a meal full of sugar, gluten and dairy and now I realise I was just imposing on my body, even being quite abusive. The old saying that you mentioned Matilda is still true and the way we change the old habits and begin by living in a deeply self loving way is the beginning of opening up new inroads to challenge the irresponsibility you write about.
A great observation that we learn by example and the power of role-modelling.
It is wise for us to take responsibility for all that we are living and to lead by a true example rather than learn without discerning the energy we are following or mirroring or its impact on us and the whole.
‘Walking our talk’ brings life and meaning to our words and actions – otherwise they are just fluff.
For me, God / Self Love is in the details, we have opportunities every day to nurture ourselves, our body, our soul, our being….”In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.” I agree new levels of care and self awareness can be felt when we are present in our everyday life, there is magic in the supposedly mundane.
I can wholeheartedly agree with the sacrifices made during my parenting years to myself. I just became the mule of the family. Having discovered this strange new concept of self-care, a word that was not even in my vocabulary, my life has changed immensely. I am proof that old dogs can learn new tricks. But it is not a trick, because, by nature, we all know what self-care is, we have just chosen not to remember.
I have learnt that by caring for myself I no longer get resentful about doing for others. I used to because I was not taking care of me first. Now it comes in my stride without any strings attached. Taking care of me makes sense all round.
True self care is actually full of making simple choices so complexity is not lived in the movements we make.
It’s very inspiring for adults too to observe someone who is living with a true quality of care for themselves. And it’s the quality that makes all the difference. I was recently inspired by a woman who takes precious care of how she dresses – I could really feel the love she does this with for herself, which is very different to someone dressing in all the right labels to impress others. We really do know and understand the energetic quality of love, we may not physically see it but it’s still somehow very visible to us.
The essence of self-care is a care for the essence that we are, in this physical body.
“And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” I often feel that tension between when I am undertaking and the call for deeper care, observation and self-respect. Sometimes I say “i’m too busy to take the call” and other times I answer the call and bring more care to me. It’s a no brainer which one feels better but unfortunately it’s not always a no-brainer which option I choose. But the more I take the call, the more I want to take the call. It is a loving work in progress.
It is so easy to think that we are getting away with self-disregard, I know I do. As if it doesn’t matter or affect anyone else but me. But this is the height of irresponsibility, because I , you, all of us, are deeply important, even when we are alone, the choices that we each make are what makes up the whole of life that we are all a part of.
Ooo yes, good point Brendan! We think we can get away with it but we forget people see everything
nothing more inspiring than observing someone walk their talk.
‘ if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others.’ A quote much needed to be graffiti-edd everywhere!
I totally agree that “The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.” It’s like we haven’t really connected that there can be a true purpose behind it – that it doesn’t just have to be about having a more comfortable life or just for self but actually a route to greater quality in how we are in everything we do and with everyone we meet. The purpose behind it makes all the difference…
True self care is understanding that we already complete and our responsibility is to nurture this truth so that we can express and reflect our essence or completeness to the world.
One thing that I really decided to focus on and give much attention to several years ago was food. It started with looking at what I ate which led to changing my eating habits and eliminating all the ‘comfort food’, (of the sugary and creamy/dairy variety), which has constantly refined over the years. These days I am much more aware of how I am eating ( my old habit was to eat too fast) and the quantity of my food, always feeling into how much, so as not to over-eat and/or under-eat. And how I prepare and shop for food. This was the start of my journey into self-care, and as my self-care expanded my whole life began to feel ‘nourished’.
Taking responsibility is to be aware of reflections we are offering to the world. We cannot possibly tell the world/people to be a certain way while we are not living whatever we are asking them to be.
It is so true that we do not validate and honour ourselves when we don’t self care. It can carry an air of self arrogance that the mind can choose to do what it likes with the body without any regard or at the expense of the body.
It is always interesting to feel when a deeper care is being called for from within me. The foundation that has been established feels quite steady but then there is equally a feeling that there is so much more. It is in these moments that I have to deeply appreciate the foundation of care already enjoyed so that I can be open to even more.
This supports very beautifully the fact that there are no end goals; that life offers us endless unfolding and learning. Understanding and accepting this frees us from the need to get things right in a certain time frame.
‘Is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?’ Yes and yes, and no time like the present.
Self care for me gives me permission to come back to the knowing that I am precious, as equally precious as every other person on earth, and it is my responsibility to care for myself, so the quality of care I can then offer to others is strong, loving, and truly supportive. Martyrdom is totally overrated and has been overly glorified, leaving so many depleted, sick, and empty.
I really enjoy tuning into what we communicate from our bodies. Sometimes it is very different to the words we speak.. like when someone is hurt and upset but tell you they are fine.
Me too, Abby, more and more. I find it amazing to be developing this dialogue with my body and how much listening in to what my body is saying is teaching me on a daily basis about life, relationships, reactions, behaviour…
You write that self-abandonment can lead to a very depleted state “because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom”. This is very true and to get out of and over it, we also have to closely look at what we have gained and sought to attain via this martyrdom: generally speaking, it guarantees the recognition and praise from other people and we have to look at that trade-off first before we can make any lasting changes.
“…we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring…” – without living what we know to be true the truth has no real value, at best then it is a potential but most often we misuse it to delay living it.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” This feels very true to me Matilda…also if we put it into context of making ourselves ill through alcohol misuse, over eating and an unhealthy diet, plus excessive pushing and striving at work, we make ourselves ill and then expect the medical system to put us back together so that we can continue in the same way as before. Although this is our “normal” way of being could it be fair to say that we are collectively living irresponsibly.
If we don´t honour the preciousness in ourselves what then could we honour in another? We may have the intention and idea of honouring but that is not the embodied and thus fully expressed honouring and care that is felt deeply in one´s body and being, confirming who we are to the bone.
Another great question, Alex. If we are not living the quality of preciousness in our lives then there is nothing of this to share with another. Words expounded on the topic are empty without a lived example.
Self-care goes way beyond the physical aspects.
The power of a loving reflection is registered deeply and calls us to be our truest selves,
It is only through self-care that we can offer another a true reflection of a way that honours the level of delicateness and sensitivity in our bodies.
Matilda a beautiful example of what living life is really about, our ability to reflect and inspire others through the way we live rather than what we tell or preach.
This is an important comment, because you have highlighted the fact that we are in constant relationship with each other, and how the quality of our relationships are guided by the choices we each make in our daily lives in the simplest of ways.
It is fascinating to do our own self-experiments Matilda. I have been building a loving rhythm for myself in the mornings as a way of building my foundation to start every day. What I have noticed is that when I became very busy, what was the first thing I let go of; it was this rhythm to support myself. By observing this, I have been able to change the behaviour, and have discovered that when we hold onto our rhythm, the quality we are in ensures the day flows however busy we are.
There is a big difference between being selfish and being self-full. Being selfish considers only self. Being self full considers self as equal to others. Mathilda, you are spot on that in our current world there is an approach that we must care for others at the expense of ourselves. This does need to change as we are fast losing our self care, which really is the foundation of well being for us all.
When we bring focus to one, by all laws of the universe we must bring focus to all.
Talk without the walk is, what we in our family call, “white noise” – you can hear it but you can’t comprehend what is being said.
Super cool, Mary, I keep coming back to paying attention and observing how I open doors… it is a great check point and opportunity to observe the quality I am moving with, which of course then informs what comes next.
This is a timely second read as I have noticed a couple of old patterns resurfacing and it literally stopped me and I didn’t feel like me anymore. In contemplating I realised the food I ate that morning and some actions I had taken were being reflected in the way I was moving, so great to have my self loving marker to come back to and choose to move from there.
How amazing I feel when the connection to another, which has come about because they have taken the time to be self-caring and tender in the way they have performed a task, is felt by me as an absolute blessing. “I am certainly inspired by many others in this way”. These moments become my new marker of what I can do through my loving connection to myself first so that I can feel the deep connection to others. I can then also appreciate the love that is held in their body.
Doorways are amazing, as when I walk through them it is an opportunity to open up to a new paradigm, which is all to do with me being open to a new level of awareness! Thank you Matilda and Mary as this has been a timely reminder to be consciously present in my life to the best of my ability.
I love the word sparkle. I have heard little children say that they see sparkly lights around people, and when I am feeling joy-full and connected to myself my eyes become clear and sparkly and reflect to others that they are sparkly too. In fact, if everything is energy then the entire world population is one giant sparkly ball of particles just waiting to wake-up and re-claim itself.
The power of true reflection speaks volumes and offers a way for all to confirm the love they too hold within.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’. I agree it is our responsibility to take care of our self so we are able to truly care for another.
And to be able to see the part we play in a much bigger picture. So, we have to come to ourselves first, taking care and responsibility here, to be able to have a bigger world view and outlook on where and how we can serve.
Thank you Matilda. I love the fact that you experimented to see what was self-caring and what wasn’t. This is a true way of learning as it brings a truth into your body that then becomes a known way of being.
This approach also leaves little space for self-berating. We are practicing and growing along the way and treating ourselves with curiosity and fascination rather than an iron rule about getting things right, opens us up to so much more discovery and learning.
Thanks for sharing that Matilda. Such an eye opener, encouraging me to stay playful rather than so so soooo serious.
It’s the first day of my weekend and time to catch up on some chores. I have had a busy morning and as I sat to read your blog, my body feels like another drink of water and then a lay down. I know that I can often feel this but override it in an effort to get one more thing completed. But not today. I am actually going to give myself a moment (it could be a long moment) to stop and check in. Thanks for the inspiration Matilda.
Hello Matilda and I may have already commented about this but we know this as you say, “The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told”. We grow up knowing this and yet schools and University don’t hold this as number one, in fact we all don’t hold this as number one. We seem to consistently fall for telling someone what we want or what we need in place of living it and allowing them to be graced in every moment by that living way. One man I respect whole heartedly for living by example is my great friend Serge Benhayon and from what I’ve seen he leads the way in this. Through him living like he does it’s inspired me to do more of the same, a living teaching in action. I watch people around me be triggered by the same things, being told something that isn’t led by example first. It’s funny isn’t it, the majority know this but yet it’s not how the world is? Shows me we aren’t living true to who we are and it’s time to change that.
Is it simply that we have to see our habits for what they are… learnt behaviours that repeat until such time as we actually clock them and consider whether they support or hinder us? One I have had to look at is how I respond to seeing someone living a really full, responsible and consistent life engaged with all that they do… do I judge from jealousy trying to diminish the potential inspiration or do I simply observe, get inspired and step up to choices at my fingertips that can build the same qualities and relationship with life in me? Acknowledging the choice in itself is a point of inspiration and appreciation… I am working with the latter scenario today.
Thank you Matilda and a great gauge or check in for me is my thoughts and the quality of them. If at any point my first thought is critique or a judgement on something I see then I just stop. I don’t try and change my thought or work it out, at that point I stop and change my movement, check my breath and if I feel tense, let my body settle or drop. I go back to being or dedicate to being conscious of feeling my body and let my thoughts go. I find this allows me to feel a part of what is going on, some at this point may have a name for what happened, jealousy, a belief etc but what’s more important then giving something a name is by changing the action. Like we are saying have a look at the walk and then this will support the talk.
I think there is a strong correlation between disregarding our feelings and disregard of ourselves and self abuse.
Nurturing our innate essence and loving ourselves to the core has a clear effect on others, offering the inspiration to do likewise and to surrender to our body’s natural impulses and calling.
We have to seek recognition for putting others first, because deep down we know it is not truly supportive for ourselves or others.
The care I bring for myself is the care I can bring for others. It therefore makes sense with this understanding this to work on our responsibility to nurture ourselves first, and then others. It’s a no brainer.
It’s crazy to consider how much we dismiss self-care as a society and make it a seemingly selfish and indulgent act. Crazy, because common sense tells us so clearly that we cannot care for others from an empty cup – we have to fill ourselves up first, put our oxygen mask on first, before we can do so for others. So the question needs to be asked as to why, we as a society shun what we already clearly know…
All around me I see mothers, and fathers, who are putting their children first usually at their own expense, running themselves ragged to get the children where they need to be, meanwhile leaving little time for themselves at all. When I look closely at these parents I can see the exhaustion held in their bodies and the longing to have some time just for them. Is this not a destructive example to be setting for our children, one where they will come to expect that you put everyone else first and yourself way down the list of who to care for next?
I am amazed by your willingness to study yourself, to develop a deeper understanding and a deeper connection to you. This is really the game-changer – our willingness to see and develop. Very much inspiring Matilda.
We can all remember someone in our youth and into adulthood, someone that has left a lasting memory. What was the quality of that person? If we attempt to drill down why that memory of the person is still with us today, could it be the honesty of what was told or shown to us? Truth in action will always stand out.
Just like your opening doors as being a very ordinary and mundane thing that has been an opportunity to take care on a whole new level, I also find placing something down or picking something up that there is that body mind connection where care is just a part of the way that movement is then made.
Taking care of ourselves in simple ways really is a very supportive foundation for whatever is before us. I know when I have done the small but detailed things as part of my rhythm then I don’t feel overwhelmed when something needs attention that is bigger and requires time etc. In fact these days I welcome the new arrival task and I often reflect how simple it feels and how much I appreciate the preparedness that is already there – even though at the time I couldn’t actually say what it was I was preparing for.
This is a great revelation – to consider that lack of care for ourselves is not taking the responsibility that is called for us to take. We need only look at the lack of true care within society to see that many are yet to take responsibility for their bodies and therefore their every energetic expression.
No amount of talking about self care will work if it is not first lived in the body.
I agree – a ‘walk’ does a lot of talking and exposes the falseness of the talk we might put out. When something is lived already, it takes no convincing, it naturally inspires others.
Children are wonderful mirrors reflecting back to us if we are being real and ‘walking the talk’. You can tell them not to do something over and over again, even yell at them and they won’t appear to be listening but if you are truly present in knowing what you are doing then a gentle but firm No needs only be spoken once and they hear it and take heed.
It’s true that the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. People not only hear what we say they feel the energy that emanates from us which is a result of our choices in everything we have lived and expressed. And if what we say does not tally with what we feel we are giving a double message which is basically dishonest even if it is something we would like to think we are doing but are not yet putting into practice.
I realize now that the best way to silence that inner voice that often sometimes annoying knows what is truly best for me is to trash the body and take no care of it at all. When we do take care of ourselves, it amplifies the inner intelligence of the body and makes it far louder and easier to follow.
I too have had many similar realisations in my family but oh boy, has it taken me a while to learn!! Parenting without walking the walk, is what I call “white noise”. In that you can say it over and over and over, but it’s empty words that won’t be heard. Do it…and bingo.
True – we know ourselves that our words are hollow and coming from an idea in our head if not backed by our body of having lived their true way. Our children detect lies from a mile away and if we are not living our words of advice our parenting will too, be a lie rather than the living inspiration it will otherwise be, calling parent and child to be more and to bring more of our true quality out.
Yeah! What we live has an effect. Strongly so.
Looking after oneself is often considered to be a selfish act. Yet, as you so superbly explain, it is in fact a true act of selflessness – in that it’s impossible to care for others without caring for oneself…and/or if one cares for oneself, one will automatically care for others.
And it makes so many things that used to be a struggle so effortless – no clever delivery of words just my activity as an example.
There really seems to be no end to the level of care we can give to ourselves and the exquisiteness of that. This builds a quality that others feel and often begin to pick up on for themselves. I know too that when I am around people who have a deep level of self care and emanate such a quality it encourages me to come to that place in myself.
You have shared so much in so few words Matilda! I can feel how I can apply to an even more expanded level the practicalities of self-caring and self-loving practices in every aspect of my life.
I agree that self-care is not only a gesture of deep responsibility to ourselves for our responsibility to care for ourselves and to express this love forth, extends to all others
The experiment you describe is an insight into the dedication to yourself that is a fundamental aspect of self-care with the results being something worthy of a scientific experiment into how energy works.
The behaviour of people pleasing at the expense of our own self-care is epidemic in our society and often comes from a place of hurt where we were not met with the same love and care.
I have been recently been so much more loving with myself in just the way I walk in the mornings, I have started to feel a lightness in my walk that I haven’t felt before and it is so lovely.
This is so lovely to feel while reading Vanessa! I too discover in the moment some deeper connection to who I truly am and my body feels yummy with it. I feel more playful and fun. This does emanate and inspire others. How beautiful live can be…
I have been totally inspired by Serge Benhayon and the way he lives absolutely every single thing that he talks and shares. When I listen to Serge I can listen for days and days on end because the quality in which every word is spoken has an aliveness to it. I am truly thankful to have found my way to Universal Medicine and the teaching Serge Benhayon shares of the Ageless Wisdom.
Life is really simple when we live it this way.
I love what you have expressed here Matilda as I can really relate to the illness, resentment and martyrdom. By increasing my level of self care I very rarely now slip into these patterns, however, at times, I feel the ‘pull’;
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom”.
Indeed to be sincere and to inspire, just the words won’t do it, they feel empty without the lived quality to support them. It is interesting to ponder how many times I have just taken the words and not been observant of the quality behind them. I know when I have done this I have dulled myself and not honoured how I feel, or felt let down when someone has not lived up to ‘it’…the truth is we all know when someone walks their talk, it is a matter of being honest. And when we do meet someone who is walking their talk, oh my gosh,,,amazing….true inspiration.
How huge are the words in this title if we sat down to feel true responsibility? So often we can find ourselves speaking from the knowledge of truth but our actions and movements are not mirroring this to another. A powerful blog to consider reading again and again.
I have found that when I talk to people about self-care, yes the idea that it is selfish to put yourself first come up, but people also very quickly get it when explained that unless you are truly looking after yourself, then you really cannot truly support another.
if we disrespect, disregard or simply choose not to listen to our own bodies, then what does this say about how we treat others?
I have come to understand the importance of self love based on the fact that the more I care for me the more I care for others. Or that they are reflected a way of living that they can then initiate for themselves.
Matilda your practical examples of how you have deepened your self-care have inspired me to conduct my experiment on myself.
When we make self loving choices, others do notice and either feel inspired, or they can be judgemental if they are not wanting to see the reflection that is offered for them. Either way, it’s totally fine, as they may not accept it at that time but it is taken on into their bodies perhaps for another time.
Thank you this had me realising that I was holding tension in my body right now. How great it is to keep on feeling and going deeper with this surrender to the body and allowing ourselves to feel more of our true selves and the joy in that.
There really is no point in talking the talk without the walk, to coin a maybe overused saying. If we aren’t looking after ourselves we certainly won’t inspire our kids to, by repeatedly telling them to do things that we are not doing for ourselves.
I had never considered I put other people before myself, I knew it but had not felt it. How many of us do this? The entire world, barr a few I would say.
Great point Gyl, I have consistently placed others’ needs before mine. What a wake up call this is for me, because until now and after reading your words the place where I was living in had thought that I had moved on from. Something in the way your words were configured has made me feel the depth that I still had placed others needs before mine. Thank you for what you have shared and the energy that you have shared it in, this has allowed me to nominate something that needed to be revealed and now I am on a new path of what would be self-loving for me. I can now feel how my body has started to bring a different vibration to all I do. “We should never compromise our bodies” Serge Benhayon.
I totally agree, Brendan. So much of the ills of today can be found at the door of lack of self-care.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” This is an extremely powerful realisation and if widely appreciated would greatly change the general approach to parenting and many other aspects of one’s approach to life.
I giggled out loud when I read this line today – “or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” So true Matilda – so true indeed. When we put others before ourselves (which can happen without that person actually asking you to!) the matyrdom factor absolutely comes in and does feel like it is going to explode within you some days. Great point.
I agree with your closing paragraph Matilda. As a parent I remember yelling at my kids to stop their yelling! If we walk our talk, then the words we say, not shout : ), come with back up. And actually if we are practicing what we preach, often we don’t need to say much at all.
True – children offer us a great reflection of where we are at in any one moment and whether we are connected and offering true inspiration or whether we are controlling situations to avoid feeling our own hurts.
This is one of the most ongoingly inspiring things I find about life and working with children… that we have to say and tell so much less when we simply live the qualities we want to share.
It is one of the most amazing things to observe: a learning or change in behaviour that has not needed one word to make it happen, simply the space and inspiration from someone else and their example, to call the changes.
Love this idea for bringing more attention to the every day things… because there is something magical in the most mundane aspects of life. That is where God is, brushing his teeth beside us every single time, and asking us if we can feel every bristle. Probably pretending that he is foaming at the mouth because God is allowed a sense of humour too!
Beautiful Mathilda, thank you. When we walk the talk all the power will be lived and so released by our emenation of light (our essence, our inner-heart) and so for all to watch – like the stars at night and be inspired.
‘In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level’. This is a beautiful Matilda, it reminds us that there is no end to how we can deepen our self-care and love for ourselves everyday. The difference this makes to our lives is very powerful and provides the space for others to be inspired and to make choices to deeply nurture themselves as well.
I love the examples you have given about what self-care is and can be, so it’s not always about putting moisturising lotion on our skin, or having baths and keeping warm it can be .. ‘are we present with what we are doing or distracted’? In fact from what I am learning it is things like this, being focused on one thing at a time, that builds a consistency and beautiful foundation for self-love and self-care .. probably more so than having a bath! Whilst reading this it also came to me that people in stressful situations, like fleeing a war torn country, how self-care would be low on their list and instead it would be more about survival, which is why it is really important that we all work together in order to support those that are in situations like this giving them the time and space to heal so they can eventually unfold in being all that they are 💕
The experiment or a moment of self study brought an opportunity for practical measurement of the choices you were making and how you were in making them – this is really concrete and shows so much about the way it is. Making the small changes are something we can all do and to read about the knock on effect was very powerful. Thank you Matilda, I have learnt much about how to bring self-care into my life and to the life of others.
There are a plathora of people proclaiming the benefits of caring for self through more healthier diets such as gluten and dairy free and through certain forms of gentle exercise and meditation. While these activies do prove on a physical level to help many are still being taught and therefore lived from our head and not truly from listening innately to what the body is saying for this is where only true self care can ever come from.
So important to ‘walk our talk’…the ripple effect of how and what we reflect in the world is huge.
Matilda your blog is proof that we learn more by example rather than being told, your children with their jumpers and wrapping up warm and your pupils with their water and not a word said. The ripple effect of living self care reaches many.
“… if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others…” Its recognising that point of when we begin to say ‘No’ to a habit of saying ‘Yes’ to doing something, that we begin a ‘U-turn’ of self care. And saying ‘No’ is as much caring for another as it is caring for ourselves, as it makes another take responsibility too.
Self care is so often misunderstood for being selfish yet what is the difference? In a nutshell its all about who you are doing it for. If its just for you then that will be centred on self. However if you are looking after yourself so you can bring more of how you naturally are to the world, to share the uniqueness of you with the rest of the humanity because your cup is overflowing with all the love you are… then that is a true purpose. That is self care.
It is very enjoyable to listen to somebody who lives what he or she talks. It’s fun and juicy even though I might be reflected an uncomfortable truth.
It’s all those little things isn’t it, things that are not little at all but the ones that make up our foundation upon which we then stand. I find it to be a great science.
“In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.” I agree Mathilda for I too have been experimenting with how I move doing small tasks like washing the dishes or wrapping a gift at work. If everything is energy then we have responsibility in all movements we make and you can really feel a marked difference in quality when we are present with each movement made. Thank you.
It is amazing how often we find it so much easier and important to look after others and care for them with a far greater capacity than we do for ourselves and how we are brought up and society expects this. The real truth is that we can only truly care for others when we care for ourselves first and this is something that is being shown to us by the way of the livingness and everything simply makes sense from here with the responsibility and true love being the way forward for ourselves first and thus with everyone.
It is lovely to read your blog, and when others see your actions over self care they make similar changes from your example because it all makes perfect sense.
Our livingness can be a very powerful teacher. Words are often not needed as our reflection can be felt from afar. This is the best way to present self care.
Absolutely love this. In September I ran a self-care workshop for 24 people in the local community. People paid to come along to actually make themselves slow down and self-care. Absolutely awesome read. 🙂
It’s very true Matilda I am learning this in relationship. We can often tell others how to be, what to eat or how to look after themselves, this does no have one ounce of love in it, and really people are simply reflecting to us our reality, what we need to look at and things we may not be wanting to look at about ourselves. Ouch. But really when we bring it back to ourselves and take care of ourselves without every needing to tell others how to be ( so imposing it’s awful) that’s when true magic and miracles take place. It makes for a less exhausting and reactive life. A life that is far more loving, open, spacious and understanding, one that lets people in.
I remember growing up and was often told to ‘do as I say and not as I do’ from adults. The grown-ups that walked the talk… I still remember!
When people walk their talk, I find it so easy to be inspired by them.
“I took one thing I did in my everyday that I could identify as taking care of myself” Noticing what kind of self-caring things we are doing for ourselves is worth doing, as we might find out we are already doing much more self-caring things for ourselves than we thought. Also by noticing them and appreciating the little steps forward we are taking it is possible to care even more for ourselves because there is that confirmation that we actually do care and are able to care for ourselves. Super important.
I love this Leike; that to acknowledge and appreciate the moments we do take care of ourselves can be revelatory and that to take care confirms we are worth taking care of, with the impact being both instant and developing.
I have gone from believing that putting myself first was selfish, to realising that when I honour how my body is feeling, and trust, my choice to put me first usually works out to be a true decision for everyone else too, and even though there may be some initial reaction, if my choice comes from a place of love for myself then there is no selfishness in that. The only thing I have to watch is the feeling of guilt that I have let others down….. and that’s something else to look at.
There are many little things we can do as part of our self-care such as sipping water or going to the toilet when we need to, and then there’s a deeper level of self care: allowing our bodies to clearly signal what they need and honouring that. We can move with a hardness that is so familiar we are unaware, whereas our bodies are truly delicate and we need to respect that and treat them with tenderness. We may feel something is not quite right when another speaks but express nothing back – holding on to our hurts hurts us. Deeply nurturing our bodies requires 24/7 attention and yes, responsibility.
Two words ping out for me here, Carmel: ‘delicate’ and ‘tenderness’. Two words I rarely used and certainly not in relation to myself. Exploring these words in dialogue with my body has revealed that they are innate qualities and when I apply these qualities in my care of myself my body melts and I open up to being in life, inspired by everything on offer, rather than simply coping with it.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” This makes so much sense. Our body and the energy we are in delivers the end product of our choices to others. We are completely accountable for the quality of the impact we have on another, not taking care of the vehicle we are in charge of us is shirking from responsibility and care.
I love your ‘self-love’ check list Matilda and I am going to take it in to my day as a dedication to being present with myself, with my mind only on what I am doing at the moment and not on a multitude of other things or what I am going to be doing next. I already know how lovely this feels but also the potential ‘lovelier-ness’ of deepening this connection with myself. Thanks for inspiring me this morning.
The knock on effects can be significant in ways we don’t see and fully appreciate. By choosing to self care and this be part of our livingness, we offer people permission to choose the same for them selves. Nothing is spoken it’s just a natural flow on.
How powerful it is to realise that by not caring for ourselves we are actually abdicating our responsibility and not taking it by putting another’s needs before our own? I know that it has changed everything for me.
Well put Naren.
I had a great learning in how to deepen my self care this week when it looked like I was going to get the flu but let myself deeply feel what was going on within me, adjusted what needed to be adjusted and let myself rest deeply and of course I did not need to get the flu after that. I made the self caring choice to become aware of my own behaviour and change what needed to be changed.
This is an amazing turn around sharing, Elizabeth, responding to our bodies as soon as they communicate rather than waiting for a full blown illness or stop moment. Just to imagine the world of health care when we take this level of care and responsibility is inspiring.
What stood out for me today on reading this blog is that depending on the quality we do everything in, will either hurt us ( if we are checked out for instance) or feed us back respect, care and tenderness ( being present with ourselves). And I am going be me more present when I open doors today!
Deep self care is an ongoing and daily thing I have found. It is in taking in what and how we feel each day, allowing for things to occur and if we make unloving choices, read why you did them, allow yourself to feel it and move on and come back to the loving choices, rhythm and movements throughout your day.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” Speaking for myself it is no ‘maybe’, I have come to realize that is true. Not taking loving care of myself just showed others that I didn’t value myself, it gave others free reign to not value me or, equally importantly,themselves either. A complicit contract we seem to enter into with others to not be everything we have the potential to be. Hiding our light, absconding from the responsibility to bring forth the potential we are, to shine and inspire.
The value of the example we set cannot be overestimated. Being truly caring towards ourselves has value for all around us.
We must never underestimate the power of reflection and all that we bring to another by our lived expression, choices and ways. This equally stands true for all that we do that is against ourselves and false as to all that is Loving, inspirational and True.
This is an awesome reminder for me, ‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’ this is so, so true. When I am trying to take care of others when I haven’t truly taken care of myself, the quality I operate and move in is then totally off. Everyone around me can feel this and can feel my energy is not supportive. So, learning to honour what I feel and listen to my body, by taking stop moments throughout my day if needed and to constantly check in with myself with regards to how I am feeling so I can adjust accordingly. Learning to self-care, self-love and self-nurture has been hugely supporting me to be myself and to choose to move and express in quality instead of in the push and drive energy of getting things done. ‘Self-care’ is so important and ‘walking the talk’ will inspire others naturally.
Not taking loving care of ourselves being an abdication of responsibility needs to be keenly felt by myself no less. This notion of self sacrifice and putting others first at ones own disregard harms us all. If I am tired I do not have a quality to what I do. Being honest about this and other disregards I can seemingly jollily indulge in gives me a motivation to change.
I love these simple experiments on ourselves, we learn by that we feel in the body and have first hand experience of the difference our choices make. We are observed all the time, like it or not by children and adults alike, so we provide a great reflection for others.
“Don’t respond and respect how we feel” is still huge in me. I observe how ingrained the ideal is in me needing to be strong, needing to manage life, needing to be there for everybody. This overrides the voice of my body. Its like the loudspeskers of my body are turned on low volume whereas the loudspeakers of my head are turned full on. In these overriding moments I am not me but ruled by another energy which brings me into a mode where I am functioning instead of being.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’…” I love this Matilda, for as you say if we don’t walk our talk then the talk is just that – talk. When I have actually implemented the self-care that I have been impulsed to, my life as changed profoundly.
I never really clocked the part where you asked your kids to dress more warmly when you were cold, that is huge, there as so many mothers that do this, do more things or take greater care of their kids than they do of themselves.
Massively important point about the way we learn, for so many of us the practical example is more powerful than the words we hear, so for a child growing up seeing what their parents do shapes and influences their own behaviours. Moreover, leading my doing things for another means they often don’t learn, a child has to try and fail at things to improve and develop, and that coupled with a strong reflection of self care from a parent seems like the perfect foundation to grow and develop into a healthy and self loving adult.
The notion that self-care is selfish or self-indulgent needs to be firmly hit on the head. This is what is keeping us trapped in the lunatic grip of disregard of a kind that is crippling us, and our health care systems, slowly but surely.
The framework you describe Matilda that we have created for dismissing self-caring is certainly what we are in the grip of. You only have to step into a workplace or shopping centre anywhere to see the devastating end result of the disregard we have made our ‘normal’.
‘I asked myself, “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?”’ There is always more deepening.
The reason for a lack of self care is quite simple. To care for yourself requires you to open up, and in opening up you start to feel life again. That in itself is not necessarily pleasant, and so the best way to numb yourself to what is going on in the world around you is to abuse your own body to the point of desensitising it.
This is a really key understanding, Adam, and when we do give ourselves the grace to understand this, there is the willingness to open up and work through the experience of re-feeling everything. This brings us back to an aliveness, vitality and awareness that is natural and very inspiring to live.
“What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves/” Yes, recently there was a situation as well where I got to see how one of my children showed a level of responsibility after a situation at home. And it was beautiful to behold that behaviour was acknowledged, effect on others (ie me) acknowledged and a true and felt apology offered later that night by sms and again in person the next day, even with flowers. It was a joyful moment for both of us as love was truly felt, no judgement was held.
These mundane, mechanical tasks can be so revealing, an opportunity to observe without judgement what energy we are moving in. Bringing ceremony to these tasks acknowledges the power that they have to feed us back.
There is a quote by Ernest Hemingway along the lines of ‘ before you can write about something you need to Iive it’. Not that Hemingway necessarily lived such a truthful life but nevertheless he has a point. To be authentic in what and how we express it needs to come from the body and the body can only present what it has experienced and felt. Conclusion, let´s bring awareness to the quality we live, make what we know to be truly loving and caring a lived and felt reality for ourselves and thereby for everyone else.
Beautiful Alex, right on the mark, we can only ever express and share what has/is being lived from our body to be truly authentic.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others” — This should be taught in every healthcare clinic and hospital EVERYWHERE!
Self – care is an endless development. The more we self-care, the more we will connect to a deeper and deeper love and care that is called for. True love and self-care lived, offers a reflection to others to return to their own stillness and centre and to connect to the love that they too are being called to live and to accept.
Matilda, I love the simplicity here and the reflection of your own self care has on others. beautiful!
“The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish. ” this is so true, when suggested, last academic year, about well-being days to support teachers at work, a teacher shared, even though completely drained, exhausted and stressed, they would rather not pay for this, not have this day and use it to do more work. This reveals a lot about our teachers.
“we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” I was at a women’s networking lunch the other day, and women were giving this young woman advice and I could feel that they were not doing it for themselves. I gently challenged that and asked them if they do that for themselves and they sheepishly said no. And I said that is where it needs to change because when we are told to do something that the person is not doing themselves, we can feel the good intention but the emptiness of the words. It is much more inspiring when the walk does the talking instead of the talk doing talking – as you say.
“When we are told to do something that the person is not doing themselves, we can feel the good intention but the emptiness of the words.” – This is so true Sarah, we can totally feel the emptiness behind it, and the lack of energetic integrity too as how can we possibly support someone in a particular way or issue if we have not ourselves done what is needed to be done.
Its amazing being around someone that does actually walk their talk because every word that they share comes with a lived truth. So it is deeply inspiring to be able to bring this into our own lives and see where we can refine and refine so the quality that we live deepens moment by moment.
Yes and this process of refining is an ongoing one, forever deepening that lived quality.
One of the biggest traps I fall into is overwhelming myself, I love that you start small and in this you allow yourself and others the space to grow organically. Getting yourself warm when ever you are cold and sipping water regularly are such simple basic things but doing them consistently is the inspiring part.
When something is done from a quality of care and love, people feel and notice this and will ask about it. This is powerful unlike the ‘telling’ someone to do something which will often create a reaction or resistence in them.
What a great experiment, Matilda. The refrain of “pay attention to what you are doing!” comes to mind from when I was younger, but what I was not shown was the depth of presence that comes with actually paying attention. There is a world to our movements that many of us are unaware of, and we are unaware of the ripples that come out from each one of our movements.
‘Walking our talk’ is what makes it real, not only for ourselves, but for others – true reflection.
It is amazing how much we have changed the meaning of words so much so that we have generally come to think that looking after our selves is indulgent and selfish. Yet how can we truly look after another or love another if we are not 1st looking after and loving ourselves? It does not make any sense!
Previously my job was in Older People’s Care and I cared for family and finds, and I was invested in supporting all of these people…”… if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others,” I would cry in a second if I heard a sad story, of someone’s struggle and would often feel exhausted…so with my life surrounding the word care, and the doing of it, as I thought it to be, but where was the true care….how could I truly care for others when I did not consider how I cared for myself. All these thoughts on care, words on care, but I neglected myself, this is changing, I still work in care, in a new area, but it is truer, I live from the place that I now care for myself. sustainable, transparent and real.
Every moment of the day there is a choice to choose self-care over abuse. Being present in everything we do is so important for this as if an accident is going to happen it will be from the momentum of not being present and not self-caring.
Someone shared with me recently that how we sit down to eat is a great opportunity to reflect the the way we want to live, I loved that and could feel how much of a difference it would make. It is a constant confirming and refining that allows us to deepen self care and enhance wellbeing.
I am going with the philosophy of saying yes to the small steps without projecting ahead to the ‘what if’s’ and ‘what if not’s’, and if I trust in each small step the big steps usually take care of themselves. The motto here is keep it simple and trusting the process of life to unfold naturally.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others…” This makes much sense and puts into natural perspective the ideal and belief of putting others before ourselves.
This is a really great awareness to expand on – Thank you for bringing this more deeply: “Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness? “ It is the feeding back that is as equally important as the intention of the action. I can have the intention to move gently tenderly and with conscious presence and then . . . I can feel how to allow the flow back is incredibly important so the quality of the next movement comes from the last, it isn’t a stop, end process but a flow.
Not caring for myself is absolutely an abdication of responsibility. I can feel this horribly if I’ve not slept well and am not firing on all cylinders at work. How I am with people isn’t at my fullest and I am confirming tiredness and exhaustion is normal when what I’m seeing is people living a vibrancy that is completely possible in everyone’s lives if we self care.
I love this blog, but I am considering where are we at for self-care to be something we need to re-introduce into our lives?
I would say for me self-care even comes down to literally expressing how I really feel in any moment. I have noticed the moment I hold back on this, usually because I put something else ahead of this, then there is a tension in my body, that can start to build because I have not honoured myself. If I am not careful this tension can build into a resentment or even a physical pain, all because I have not fully honoured and expressed how I felt.
Your sharing is such a reminder, Mathilda, to stay focussed and present with myself in a gentle, caring and loving way.
Just re reading your great blog brings me back to the moment and how important it is for loving and caring for ourselves.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.’ Love how you share how easy it is to shift the blame onto another when we don’t want to take responsibility. When we are caring for another, it offers the perfect shield to neglect taking care of ourselves and we may then blame the other person for making it so. In truth it is always our choice how we take care of ourselves first and the quality of this care is what we bring to everyone else.
Matilda, this is gorgeous!
It is so easy to preach about self care, and to remind others how important it is. However, unless we start applying it to our lives, it will forever be empty words – nothing less than a politician’s speech!
The simplicity and love of truly self caring for our bodies by listening to it is everything as you share here and the inspiration of Serge Benhayon for humanity of who we all are is The most enormous gift staring us in the face if we choose to see it for ourselves. The depth and love we are is our responsibility to live and the reflection of this to others is our true purpose.
A simple way of educating our children: Walking your talk. How much time would we save our kids at school, if we would live what we expect of them to learn?
“In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.” This is so great, my husband is great at that too, he always has a glass of water at the desk and that encourages me to remember the water too. Its great how we can look at another’s reflection and be inspired.
Absolutely Matilda, ‘most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told’.
Its very revealing when you realize that the reason your kids might not be listening to what you are saying is because you may not be walking the talk. I am pretty good when it comes to leading the way with my kids but there are still times when I realise that I need to go deeper, change my tone and movement and then my words will carry the weight of a body that lives what it is sharing.
This is so true – this happened in my family when I grew up and I also did that with my kids – “We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” – Until they said ,Mum why do we have to put jumpers on if you are cold?’ I have learnt now for quite a long time, to truly listen to what my body tells me and to not override it or tell it ‘I’ll do it in a bit’ whatever the body wanted or needed,but to respond lovingly and every time I do it feels so right.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ It is incredible to see the level to which we shirk responsibility; and have therefore made it to be everything in our minds that is clearly not.
I had a chuckle when you spoke about how you projected self care onto your children about keeping warm. It is an unfolding journey to learn to put ourselves first and not put off our needs around keeping warm, eating well and getting restorative sleep.
Yes it is an unfolding journey and it is a lovely one as each learning gained offers such a lovely reward from our body, the reflection is instant.
If we keep on looking after others before ourselves we will eventually get rundown and we will be just another exhausted person who is reflecting that it is okay to be self abusive. Neither does it serve the other person, for instead of taking responsibility for ourselves we are doing it for another and they therefore do not get to feel the consequences of their own unloving behaviour.
Mathilda, your blog demonstrates clearly how much we learn by example and so if we want our children to grow up as self-loving and caring people we have a responsibility to reflect self-care to them by doing it ourselves, not just getting them to do it.
Absolutely, Sandra, our words are totally empty if they are not supported by lived example. In fact maybe they are worse than empty because they actually turn people off what we are saying when it is felt as preaching without commitment and example.
I love finding new ways of nurturing myself for this really supports me in everything I do. Recently someone asked if I had warmed my bed yet ( it was in the evening and a couple of hours to bed time) I had not and realised that I had got out of the habit of having hot water bottles, it had only just started getting cold after all. That evening I put an electric blanket on my bed and it it was so toasty and deliciously warm when I lay down. Little things like this can make all the difference.
‘Walking the talk’ could be expanded to walking what I know to be true even when not having said a word. It sometimes is the things we haven´t expressed yet with words or openly but are already knowing to be true or time to bring into one´s life or act upon, so ‘walk the truth’ could be a phrase worth living.
‘In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.’ This is huge and just goes to show how we live and what we do has an impact on others, so absolutely the more we take care of ourselves the more it reflects out to others and gives them the opportunity to do the same too.
Instead of thinking that I have to complete something which would then leave me rushing to get to an appointment I am learning that it is more self-caring to leave what ever I am doing and come back to it no matter how urgent or important I think it is. I then do not go into motion and arrive at my next destination connected to myself, fully present and ready for the next task ahead. I have loads more energy and find I am getting things done a lot more efficiently.
I too feel the inspiration of others walking their talk which certainly does all the talking from the simplest of things done in love and care and this affects everything as you share so beautifully Matilda.
We are constantly sharing how we are caring for ourselves in our every movement, in the preparation we put into getting ready for the day, putting ourselves to bed, making our food. I have so many comments at work about the delicious salads that I take in each day, but, it isn’t so much what I am eating that people are attracted to, it’s the commitment I make to myself in allowing the time to prepare my food and choosing foods that support me. When I then sit down to eat my lunch is a gift from me to me.
I love this blog Matilda. It is such a lovely reminder for me of the full responsibility I have in caring for myself. Everyone, particularly our children, are watching what we do, so what reflection are we offering? That caring for one’s self is vitally important or that self care is something that happens only when and if everything else is done?
Yes Lee, and the children in my life instantly reflect which of the above I am in – self-care first as a responsible commitment to life and others, inspires them to do the same; but self-care de-prioritised = chaos… no kidding, it is like it gives everyone permission to renounce responsibility and the behaviour gets really wayward.
‘we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’’ …. absolutely love what you’re sharing here, Matilda. This is so true, we are all feeling energy first before anything else and if there is a mismatch between what we’re saying and what is felt from our bodies, from our livingness, our words become meaningless. In other words, if we aren’t living what we’re sharing with another it won’t be heard because it hasn’t been felt first.
And self care is just the beginning, the ‘training ground’ for building a body of love, that emanates love.
The more we care for ourselves the greater capacity with have to care for others.
The small actions we take in self care snowball into bigger ones
Yes awesome isn’t it, they just become the ‘new normal’ and unfold more and more, love it.
It’s true that ‘the concept of self-care’ can be subject to remarks about selfishness and be counter to some old beliefs that we should ‘put others first’. The same can be said about self-love too. I remember feeling the absolute sense of scorn in one persons’ voice uttering the words ‘oh, he really loves himself’. But true self-love is not about ‘bigging ourselves up’ so we feel we are better than others but a source of absolute equality in our understanding of each other. In my experience this is the true essence of love and hence self-love – that we are all equally grand, equally Divine and equal love. Yes, if we perceive self-love to be an exercise in self-aggrandisement over others then this is bound to create disharmony – but real self-love is about equalness and is a basis for truly harmonious living.
When we are honest about the state of affairs around us on a daily basis, we understand that there is not a task that is too small that gives us the opportunity to deepen our relationship with our own quality whether it is brushing our teeth or cooking etc as it is something that we no longer do for self but we do for humanity to reflect another way of caring and loving our bodies and a natural way of being.
This is super cool Matilda to be asking yourself such important questions.. I love this one – ‘ does it feed back respect, care and tenderness?’ – imagine how this has an effect in the next moment when we take that extra loving focus in what we are doing, it is only going to feed into our next moment. Makes complete sense to care for ourselves in such a practical way. Thanks for sharing
I love that one too Matilda and Natalie – ‘ does it feed back respect, care and tenderness?’ – what a great marker to set with the knowing that the body is the marker of all truth.
Thank you Matilda! Walking the talk, no matter what it is the only way we will see change happen in our own lives is to follow the lead of Serge Benhayon and his family and the hundreds of Students of Universal Medicine.
Observing an example of others is very powerful to feel. In your story, Matilda, it is gorgeous how your example can be reflected upon and copied for everyone to learn and grow. Starting small is possible for everyone, and appreciating the changes we make for ourselves and how that feels, building a rhythm that is a foundation for the day allows us all to develop at our own pace.
The more I understand about life, the more I appreciate the importance of walking the talk is key as it is only recently that I’ve begun to see just how much it is through reflection that we learn and how much everyone observes everyone else.
Thank you for your tip on looking at something we do on a regular basis re selfcare e.g. brushing teeth and then deepening our care around it and then observe the difference over a week. Super simple and not overwhelming to do. I tend to try to change everything all at once and then feel it’s all to hard and give up.
Taking small steady steps over a period of time seems to be the answer.
Love you approach this Matilda in that you started small and then allowed things to grow. How often too we either try and change everything or wait until we can do everything before we move. Either way it usually ends in going nowhere and nothing happening. What has been evident to me during my life is that no matter what is going on if you see a direction you need to head then just simply start walking that way. Notice the word is ‘start’. With each step you can appreciate what you feel and not look for an end point but simply dedicate to the next step. So often I have tried to take 10 steps at a time but again this has never worked long term. If we want change then we need to be willing to put the work in and it starts with just a small step.
Self care is staggeringly simple as your blog so clearly shows Matilda. Yet why have we not made it the common sense approach in life?
“……and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.”
I am learning with wonderment that we can be truly inspired by observing the way someone moves, you are right Matilda this where the real talking occurs, for it has become a natural, self honouring movement.
I read recently from the World Health Organisation website that a scientist suggested the 60% of noncommunicable diseases in the world would be eliminated by change in lifestyle factors. Simply put Self-care will never be a selfish endeavour, being present, well and of service supports all of humanity.
Yes walking the talk is so beautiful because people can experience for themselves how to be from our own ways of living everyday. I find so much pleasure in observing myself in the finer movements of my day and they are a great way to check with myself too. Thank you Matilda.
“If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.” Having chosen to have 3 children in close succession, i remember so clearly the resentment of martyrdom you speak of Matilda and how much i identified with being a victim, in fact through self neglect i allowed myself to crumple and leaned on everyone around me to pick up the pieces, my husband primarily. Enter Universal medicine and the mirror became a whole lot clearer, it wasn’t pretty but I saw that the real child in this situation was me, obstinately refusing to take responsibility, refusing to grow up…..and here i am today forever learning & humbled by the gift that true responsibility provides for myself and all those around me.
Thanks for sharing this, Lucinda. I too have and continue to learn from my children that there is no true parenting unless the parent loves and honours themselves first. I have tried to be a ‘good mother’ for years and they can feel how false this is and not really meeting them (or myself) in truth.
There are so many sayings, articles, websites, beliefs and ideals amongst mothers that enforce or confirm that putting yourself last is a good thing… not just a good thing but a loving thing for your children, husband, school and/or community. And we can actually pride ourselves and compare to each other by this unloving gauge. But what are we showing each other and especially the younger generation? I know myself, when I am overly attentive to my two sons, reminding them to look after themselves, wear warmer clothing, get plenty of rest etc etc. I need to check in with myself and ask ‘Am I doing this for myself?’ because they know and feel whether it is just words or something I am living.
Self care is not just about being healthy. That is not all that it truly offers. For through true self care, we rebuild a body that is tender, delicate, fragile, vulnerable, sensitive. And to the observer on the street, one may ask why would you want such a body? The answer is that it is only through such a body that we experience the fact that life is not merely physical in its outplay, and that there is exists an energetic state of being that is ours by divine right, and which is our true innate essence. Equally, we experience through such a body the duality of life, or what is simplistically referred to as “good” and “evil”, but by its true essence. For the fact is that evil by its true definition is anything that separates us from our true divine state of being, and that is always a form of separation that occurs energetically well before any physical action takes place. And thus, the answer to age old question about why mankind remains so capable of acts of what we call evil lies in the fact of energetic separation. And this is a fact that can only be rediscovered through a body that is truly sensitive to all that is happening around, through, and within it.
‘imploding with the resentment of martyrdom’ is a great phrase – we know when we are doing something that is not truly supportive of ourselves and therefore not for others either, and the other knows it equally. Honesty is the key for why we choose to do something at the expense of ourselves – and why we would allow someone do this for us when we know it is not true for them and therefore for neither.
I always feel like a hypocrite if I offer advice that I am not actually heeding to myself. The words are empty.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” I would never have made this connection before listening to the presentations of Universal Medicine, but learning what it is to be honest with ourselves, meaning to truly stop and feel what is going on in our body, and what it is communicating to us, then I can see that self-neglect (even if we delude ourselves it is because of work etc ) can actually be a deliberate intention to keep ourselves less, in hiding, sabotaged and not in our true natural power..and how would it be different if we were all to step up to this responsibility equally.
Beautiful sharing Matilda. I loved the examples you used about how your children and students are now stepping into greater responsibility for themselves in watching you – their teacher and role model. This is something to appreciate absolutely. What I am realising is that the choice to live true self care must come from an absolute love for myself fullstop, with no need for others to be influenced or to change. Just to be, and then others can make their choices either way. So for me a lesson in detachment of outcomes.
Lack of self-care shows lack of love, very simple. So when we find ourselves not caring we may ask what has separated us from love and how can we re-connect to love. Of course self-care then is a first practical step back to restoring the sense of love in the body.
If we all self-cared in the way you described Matilda, the world would be a very different place. We would all value ourselves and each other immensely and could not possibly self harm or harm another. Really, it is the most natural thing in the world.
I wonder how many times a day we simply distract ourselves from what we’re doing or what we’re feeling, if we counted all those moments up, how much time would it equal? When that time could be spend on deepening our care and embracing life more fully.
It is amazing how taking care of one thing ripples through into all aspects of one’s life
sometimes parents can feel like they have ‘messed up’ with their kids, but it is never too late to start healing… meaning that the more we work on healing ourselves, the children are offered a reflecction of something different and are thereby brought the opportunity to heal also – there is always respecting of free will and free choice, but now in fact they have more free choice than ever before.
I love your insight and sharing in how you open a door, does it hurt your hand or does it feed you back respect, care and tenderness. I can already feel how conscious I am going to be when opening all doors today! Thankyou Matilda.
I love your blog Matilda as it reminds me that I can self- care in every moment. When I am being present with my moments and listening to my body I am taking care of myself and at the same time inspiring others to also care deeply for themselves.
So teachers can bring the self care and love that is missing from curricilum.
This morning when I made my bed, I was really aware of how the space that I allow around what I am doing, is hugely important, and that I really can take the time I need to complete a task, because all of my love is needed here and this moment absolutely deserves it.
Selfish and self-full are two different things – the former one considers only self and nothing but self. In the latter, one considers self as equal to all others so all decisions are made on the basis of what is best for all.
Sometimes we need to break through our comforts and introduce healthy change to our bodies such as regular exercise and sometimes we need to deeply honour our body when it truly calls for rest. This is why self care is so important because it supports us to have a relationship with ourselves where we know more consciously how to truly take care in each moment.
“imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” How true is this. If we are preaching without living by example this is exactly what we are doing.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility”. I would say Matilda not maybe but absolutely; a level of responsibility that I am learning to deepen with everything that I do. Thank you for the timely gorgeous reminder.
Matilda, I love this, ‘The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?’ It is wonderful to have the reminder that tenderly doing something feeds us back more tenderness and so the more we move, complete tasks lovingly and tenderly the more tender we become.
The program you did, Mathilda, is very inspiring to go deeper with the understanding of who we are. Thank you.
What we can learn from door-opening …. A new seminar title ?? its strange but true, that such a simple task can facilitate, when conscious presence is invoked, a radical paradigm shift in one’s life.
Recently I had blood tests done and some of the results were not that good and very reflective of how my rhythms were not supporting me as well as they could have. Looking back, I could see where I had started to let myself down and was not supporting myself in a way that was needed and had let slip some of the practices I had done earlier and this was reflected in the tests, so it really showed me how my commitment to myself was not fully there, which would have reflected in all areas of my life. Funny how we don’t tend to look at it in that way and convince ourselves, its not that important, when absolutely everything matters.
The way we self-care or not are simple markers for the way we are living, how we are with ourselves, others and our attitude towards life in general. True self-care is felt in the body, comes from the body and supports quality and presence in the body. We can see it, feel it, know it by the body’s movements.
I had not thought of it this way as being markers for our way of living – a great reflective tool.
For me, a daily self-care ritual is the building block, or foundation, of a deeper connection with myself, for without self-care I am always going to be looking on the outside of me for the love that I am not prepared to give myself, so what better place to start than with myself.
If love is inclusive of all, how could a gesture of love be selfish? It is beautiful to see people we care about holding themselves in love although it can be more challenging if we haven’t been choosing the same for ourselves.
A very inspiring blog Matilda. It’s the simple every day things that we need to pay attention to, and this can build a solid platform from which to live.
“I took one thing I did in my everyday that I could identify as taking care of myself…..My experience of doing this has been really profound.” It can seem that doing something as small as paying attention to how you open a door can be insignificant, but what you are sharing here is showing us that such a simple act, when given the attention and focus of how it is being done, has the potential to change so much about the way we eventually do anything else, whether its big or small.
We lead by example always – we are forever reflecting in neon lights to be true to ourselves or to live a false light.
Small loving beginnings can make great changes that ripples out more than just a change in behaviour, but in how life reflects back to us. We by equal measure are offered a deeper connection to the depth, and breadth of Wisdom and Love within.
We have an amazing opportunity to reflect to others the power of self-care when our actions match our words. Children in particular seem to copy behaviour rather than listen to empty words not supported by demonstrated action.
I keep coming back to this blog as it reflects something that represents the ultimate foundation of every human being – responsibility. You say – ‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ – Brilliant and very true Matilda.
I love your blog Matilda I am sure so many of us can relate to putting others first whist disregarding our own true feelings. What you say is profound and yet so simple when we love, cherish and look after ourselves everyone benefits. At present many of our children are growing up to be in deep disregard with themselves whether it be with drugs or alcohol, when we give them the reflection and foundation of self care and self love they are going to be less likely to be in disregard.
The super simple ‘mundane’ things we do everyday can become very honouring when we recognise how much these activities support and care for our body.
“we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’” – exactly. Preaching, telling or lecturing never works, particularly with children because they see through the lack of integrity in being told to do something if they don’t see the ‘teller’ walking this themselves.
Yes. And here is another point of inspiration. Children do know when something spoken is backed up with the quality of it being lived… it feels right… in fact we all know, it is just that for the most part we learn, as we grow up, to over ride this knowing with politeness and the following of social rules, which, I would say is one of the most disastrous aspects of our conditioning at present.
This is greatly exposing how we are always on show wherever we are and whatever we are doing. As can we inspire we can also denigrate by offering a reflection of a way of life that is not true and loving. This is a huge responsibility.
This blog takes me back Matilda, to how I also used to live ‘do as I say, not as I do’. So I could dish out the well meaning advice from a place of arrogance that I knew better, but did not follow that advice myself. Move on a few years, and I know now it is far better to come from a place of living what we are saying, it feels so obvious now. People seeing it by reflection is really cool, and by walking the talk, there’s not much to say but lots to feel.
Spot on gillrandall, walking our talk has far more true, lasting power than just talking, as we can talk until we are blue in the face but if we don’t live with self ourselves, in our daily activities, talking can be a waste of time, as what comes out of our mouths doesn’t necessary match what our bodies are saying, in other words there is no congruency, and children can always see through incongruency I am sure you will agree!
It used to be that preparing food and eating in front of the tv or tidying up at the last moment was just a normal ‘checking out’ as you had to eat and had to tidy up eventually – so there didn’t seem any point in connecting to myself. I now realise that in not caring for myself I felt empty and chose activities and foods to check out. One goes in hand with the other.
Self care is a daily commitment to always deepening and stepping more and more into the lessons life is presenting us with.
There is a forever unfoldment to be had with these details in life, an unfoldment that can be enjoyable.
And what I find amazing is that I used to find the concept of giving attention to these details so overwhelming. But as I let myself attend to one or two, I came to see that it was in this attention to details that the overwhelm started to dissipate; and yes this process of unfoldment, which for me is a combo of surrender and embracing responsibility, has come to be really enjoyable.
I love what you share here Matilda …” which for me is a combo of surrender and embracing responsibility…”, yes I could agree, this takes the overwhelm out of ‘where do I start to care for me’, out of the equation and gives us permission to begin to make those small changes to our lives which affect bigger changes as we go along, reflecting to others around us without needing words, just actions.
Really it is very selfish and irresponsible not to care for ourselves – funny (not) how truth gets so twisted and misrepresented.
I agree that as a parent myself, it is so important to take care of yourself so that you can offer a real quality of care to your children. I reckon ‘parent burn out’ is way more common than we care to admit and that many family relationship issues and tension result from this.
Taking responsibility for our health and wellbeing is one thing that would change the course of the path of humanity but the statistics are showing us otherwise, increasing year on year. Imagine a doctors’ waiting room full of people that have responsible health choices and are going with this as their way of living.
The simplicity and profoundness of true self care and the amazing effects of this in walking our truth can be seen and felt and is magnified everywhere.This is a beautiful sharing on the reality and knowing of walking our truth and the livingness of this with others so beautifully.
The beauty of this blog is that it describes that taking care for oneself is actually so simple and has not anything to do with being selfish. The simplicity in taking care for oneself is e.g. to introduce taking care in daily little things such a brushing our teeth. By putting that special attention we start to feel how lovely it is to care for ourselves, that we are so much worth it and in fact deserve to care for ourselves in such a delicate way and because everything is energy and everything is because of energy (SB), the ripple effect this one little caring aspect in our lives becomes more and an inspiration for others to do the same.
“Caring” for others can have a lot to do with what we get out of it. Perhaps we are invested in what is returned to us from our deeds, like being accepted or liked. Stepping away from others to focus on ourselves and our self care can bring these kinds of things to the surface. Living from self care can also allow space for true relationships to form, as opposed to relationships based on dependencies, needs or arrangements.
The behaviours we demonstrate to our children are so important. If we are telling them to take care of themselves without living this ourselves, then it just becomes a theoretical lecture without any practicality or lived experience.
The biggest step I have taken to self-care is not allowing dismissive or derogatory thoughts about myself to enter into my head. This has allowed me to appreciate myself more and deepen my intimate connection with me. I am slowly letting go of the hardness in my body which has affected how I see myself and my relationships with others, so thank you Matilda for joining me on our journey to our true selves by reflecting true self-care to others so we can all begin to feel how amazingly tender and delicate we really are.
This may seem like a small issue, something that doesn’t deserve great contemplation or even articles… But it is absolutely to the contrary … because when people choose to look after themselves, everything is affected and the quality of everything that is done is enhanced and enriched
This is absolutely true Matilda “…if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others,” And from this we can also say that if caring for another comes at the expense of your own body, then you have not taken care of yourself first. It is a big turnaround needed and one that is not always easy, but very, very worthwhile when we manage it.
Such a beautiful simple example concerning putting a jumper on, so often we can get cold and so much that is unsupportive can come from that, loss of concentration, awareness, feeling steady, feeling supported, I know I have made rash decisions when I have been cold, become tired and not thought clearly, and this wasn’t because I was in the North Pole, it was just a breezy day in the UK. Caring for ourselves has so many layers, but there are so many simple ways each day that we can make the space to care for ourselves, and doing so deeply supports us and all.
To follow our inner heart is a deep appreciation of ourselves and supports a way of living which follows an inner truth.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” I can really relate to this, that in the past I have taken care of all those around me, but what I was really avoiding was going to a deeper level of responsibility for myself. In focusing on everyone and everything else, it is the perfect excuse to not go deeper in our own self care.
To honour what feels right in terms of what time to go to bed despite what others might be doing around me is a little and yet beautiful way to self care. In the past I would have stayed up to hang out with others and talk but now I love the way I wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day when I honour what I feel.
It is very difficult to ‘DO’ or ‘tick the box’ of self care, as it is generated by a feeling of honouring of self and the body – an innate intimate communication within the body develops -all we have to do is pay attention to it. So there’s no ‘to-do’ list when it comes to self care. And what’s interesting is that when we start to self care, it initiates more and more ways of caring for ourselves and then self-love begins to grow.
It is interesting that the very things that support us the most are usually the ones rubbished or bastardised within society as being selfish or taboo when the opposite is true. If we follow the biscuit crumb trail, we may discover far more beliefs in society that too, divide us, keep us small and are outright lies.
Following our hearts and inner knowing is a far greater source of authority than the populist rule of the day – and will not lead us deep into an unknown forest of complexity and darkness but will light our path forevermore.
Over the weekend a friend and I went out for the day, it seemed warm and sunny but we both had the impulse to take a warm jacket and a raincoat. This was fortunate as we were able to make use of both which made the day all the more enjoyable for having taken notice of our feelings and acting upon them. Self care.
We have just been talking about this today, in the sense that’s not about telling people or preaching but in how you live. Without trying, people feel it. For example someone was at my house, I didn’t say anything, by having been there and feeling how I live, the cleanliness and order – when we got back to theirs later in the day they picked up a jacket and the sleeves were inside out, they came through and said how it felt all wrong after having felt something different.
I love re-reading this blog and the simplicity it presents… look after yourself and you will naturally look after others.
‘ In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.’ Well said Matilda, bringing loving detail to how we self care deepens our relationship with ourselves in the most beautiful way.
Taking notice of what is going on around me, recently I noticed that if I slowed down and did things at a simple but dedicated pace, then those around me followed and when they did not, it was obvious to them they were in some sort of drive.
I agree, after all how can we truly love another if we are 1st not loving ourselves. We can use all the words in the world yet if we are not actually living the love we are then the person will hear them but not feel them. So it is far from selfish to look after ourselves, in fact it is the direct opposite!
Society teaches us that in many instances putting others first is the way to go and that in others putting yourself first is the way to go. It is interesting to stop for a minute and feel what is behind them: in the former, the message is: you are not that important as the others are: in the latter, the message is: forget about the others, it is about you. In both cases, it is never about us it is always either or. Self-care breaks that logic: it is about me first because a body that works for me and for my purpose can help everyone. It is about us.
It has become apparent to me that the basis for all health and wellbeing is ‘self care’. In time, this develops into self love, and from being more loving towards ourselves, there become no room for disregard or harm towards our body. The feedback from this loving regard is our body responding with vitality and wellness. We can’t bottle this formula up, as its in the way we live.
There is no point in talking about self care unless we are in the livingness of it ! It has taken me a long time to appreciate just what self care really looks like. I appreciate the inspiring sharing offered here Matilda.
I am still working on self care and have a long way to go… not that there is ever a final destination really. I used to not care at all and these days if I compare back I could say I am doing great but I know and feel that I can take care to a whole new level.
What you have shared Matilda just really confirms, it is through example that change can take place, “walk the talk” through us showing the way but has living it, others feel the ripple effect and that then spreads as it is inspires others to make different choices.
We are brought up to believe that it is selfish to take care of ourselves. It took me quite a while to accept and appreciate that taking care of myself was not selfish, but was in fact the complete opposite. It is worth considering that believing this we very easily neglect looking after ourselves to our own, and everyone else’s detriment, as we can end up needing much more care from others because we didn’t take care of ourselves in the first place. It is indeed a perfect catch 22 situation that keeps us from being all that we are.
Walking our talk is inspirational for others. Just telling someone something doesn’t cut it, but if we live it we don’t even have to say anything. This way of living gets noticed.
Your blog shows there are many deepening levels of self-care. I can relate to how the mind still be very active whilst in a self-caring activity. I have started to notice when I am in the process of doing my daily exercises my mind winders off to the ‘to dos’ of the day. Or when I wake up and do my body check my mind manages to go everywhere distracting myself from my bodily focus. Sometimes it feels like I am training a new muscle to learn to focus e.g.the mind-muscle. Just like you I will go on with this extra self-care attention!
“In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level. The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?” This is a simple but super powerful stop point and marker, bringing us back to our body and seeing exactly what we are running in in every moment, and how that can be either attacking or supportive not just for ourselves but for everyone.
Self love in a nutshell – if you want to emanate love, then you need to get to know love first. Otherwise, how do you know what it is you are aligning to? The simple fact is that as a humanity we have forgotten to take care of ourselves. As a result we have created bodies that simply are not configured to hold love energetically. And that is the purpose of self-love, to help create a body that can energetically hold what we call true love. But let me me clear what I mean when I say love. By love, I mean the emanation of an energetic state of being- esoterically referred to as fire. It is not something you send, or can own, or give.
Not caring for ourselves and our bodies, seems to be a crime against the very nature of how the body naturally works when given a voice and truly loving self care. How can caring for our bodies be selfish, when clearly, it is a part of everything that we choose to do, willingly or not, and yet still works implicitly to keep us as close to balance as it can under the harsh circumstances.
To love and care for the body we inhabit is our loving responsibility as you say. The body is the temple and through it we have the opportunity to express all we are. There is so much to access through a body of love. “So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.”
Hello Matilda and this line alone makes it very interesting, “The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told”. This is very true for me and has been the same all my life. Always as a child at school the ‘lead by example’ was the call and a simple way for me to learn but it wasn’t always what was presented to you. More and more it feels like the world is saying and saying more things but not putting it all to the street. We have blind spots and so I can still feel in me when I say self-care there is almost a disclaimer to say that you don’t mean selfish. Why are the 2 linked inside me like this? When self-care truly has nothing to do with being anything other than walking the talk. Thank you Matilda.
It is so interesting to consider these internal and often very carefully hidden voices and beliefs, that inform our choices and behaviour. They are the prejudices we hold against ourselves that, until revealed, can be very debilitating. Being honest with myself about these ‘voices’ in the recesses of me has definitely diminished their hold over me.
The notion that caring for ourselves is selfish is nothing less than evil. It is an ill-planted seed that festers in the minds of humanity that our bodies do not matter, that how we feel does not matter, and with that belief we then go about our lives in the emptiness of not having connected to the preciousness we are. And from there we naturally seek to please another, to do things for another and the martyrdom becomes the expected state of being. It is a ploy to keep humanity buried in the shadows, never to find its true glory.
This really confirms that saying ” we teach by example”. What makes a good teacher? what makes a good parent? – it is the choices they make and their ability to self-love and self- care, without these what are we really teaching them? Thank you Matilda for the reminder of the utmost importance to self-care
Actions speak louder than words, people will notice if and how you are looking after yourself.
True Joe, I am always inspired when I see the level of care and detail some bring to their life. It naturally reflects and blesses us all.
To function effectively in the world today I find the level of depth of the love and nurturing of myself supports me to be more available to offer the same quantity care of others.
The point you make here Matilda is so true and something I see all too often “if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others”. All too often women in particular see their role in life as the carer of others. It is only through our own self -love care and nurturing first and foremost we have the capacity to care for others with the some love and nurturing.
I love how powerful it is when someone role models being responsible for themselves and their environment. Without imposition others respond and become naturally more responsible for their own care – whether that’s taking that extra step like wearing gloves in the morning because it is cold even though it’s technically a summer’s day or asking for support when they need it. Many times what I try to ‘fix’ in another is what I am not doing for myself. A great awareness that stops me blaming the world for my choices and playing the victim.
As you present here Matilda… “…the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” True inspiration comes from the walking.
I am always inspired by those who walk their talk, to me there is nothing as good as seeing someone living what they are preaching rather than saying one thing and doing another.
This is a super deep blog, our every way in life either supports us or hinders us, loved the example you gave about opening and closing doors with care, care can be a continuous way and not just reserved for certain things.
This blog also offers the remedy to ‘wanting’ or ‘trying’ to get others to take more care of themselves.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’ – If we truly take in the full meaning of this, the message is huge. Isn’t it a built in behaviour in most of us, that we feel we have done something wrong if we look after ourselves first? I know in the past I used to make up lies that would cover the fact that I was choosing what felt honouring of me, to make sure I wouldn’t be seen as lazy or selfish.
Oh my gosh Eva that is so true, and actually still has a whisper of grip over me today. If I rest, put my feet up during the day, I feel I have to justify it if someone ‘catches’ me… this is age old social patterning about punitive hard work and it is insane self-flagellation when I consider the work I do do in every day.
It’s super interesting to consider how we do things as you have described here Matilda. Even when we are doing something which is seen to be ‘self-care’ if we are not doing this in true consideration and awareness of us and fully present, we will in fact be harmful rather than caring. It’s so important to consider where we are coming from in everything we do before the activity itself.
For me the biggest inspiration is always from watching the way or the quality that someone does something in, rather than from what they say. Our actions are mightily powerful…
The importance of self-care is huge and something I really hadn’t put any thought into before Universal Medicine. Imagine how different the world would run if politicians, doctors mothers and fathers, everyone started looking after themselves first, getting enough quality sleep, nourishing food etc., this would help solve many of the problems we face in the world today.
It is interesting to consider, that we will treat a baby with the utmost gentleness and tenderness, but as babies grow up this same level of quality of care seems to dissipate over time. By the time we are adults, it can almost be non existent, and we do not then care for each other, let alone ourselves in a way that we so deserve. What would it look like if we did treat our own bodies with that same level of love and tenderness that so naturally comes to us when we take care of a baby? Quite different I suspect.
Hello Matilda and the simple things are always the key and as you take care of these ‘bigger’ things or moments will open up. So our self-care grows or expands to include or bring in more things to our awareness. The consistent yes to the deeper level or deeper expansion of that self-care is what supports us in each step. Like everything there needs to be an expansion in how we are, how we live and the flexibility to how this looks.
It’s really interesting to consider how backwards parenting can be when it’s all about putting the children’s needs and wants above what is honouring of ourselves. What is this showing the kids and how is it preparing them for their adult life? Placing more importance on one aspect of life will only allow the others to drop in quality and that results in a lesser version of who we are being lived.
I used to think self-love and care was just giving yourself a foot massage or running a bath. Now I realise that it goes way deeper then that and can be applied to any activity we do. But it’s not even about the action of self-loving gestures, this is part of it, but like you’ve shared Matilda, it’s about responding to and respecting what we feel and honouring what the body is communicating. It’s speaking up and saying no when needed. It’s a language that translates to every aspect of life every minute.
Matilda I love the picture of you telling your children to put on a jumper when you are cold and not actually putting a jumper on yourself. For me this exemplifies the self-sacrificing that we can all do and the lack of self-care. What a beautiful way to care for children by being the example that they can follow simply by putting on a jumper.
What really hits home reading this blog is how it is natural for us to self-care.. yet it has become so foreign that we are needing to reintroduce it back into our lives.
True – It is irresponsible to not care for ourselves for we take this lack of care with us throughout our day and it is never not there in our every expression, interaction and touch. We can be role models of True Care and Love and inspire others to care and Love themselves more or we can confirm others in their irresponsibility and love-less ways by remaining in ours.
Very beautiful Matilda, it asks us to be more, more true and loving to ourselves in our lives.
Choosing to be distracted or having a multitude of things you are thinking about is the get out of jail free card that keeps us on a vicious cycle of destruction. Bringing conscious presence and feeling the quality of who we are in what we do is the ultimate self loving act we can do yet as a humanity we have made it nearly impossible to consider let along acknowledge that this relationship is key.
I can get so drawn into what I am doing or the situation I’m in that I can forget that first and foremost I am the person that what I am doing is affecting first and that my body is the first environment that I am in and these should be the first considerations to be caring and to take this true quality from within out to what I do and the places I go.
Last night I reflected on my week using Natalie Benhayon’s ourcycles app and noted that the disorientation I felt came from moving house as part of my work, and as a consequence I lost my rhythm and consistency to self care in the small things. It pays to be consistent, self caring and respectful in each small activity regardless of what is going on.
Matilda what shines out at me today when reading your blog is the great reminder that no matter what is going on, how busy things are that the most important point is be present and connected with oneself. Nothing can be more important that than.
Experiencing someone sharing something from their head as opposed to actually living and expressing it, are poles apart in difference. When someone tells something from their head and they haven’t lived it, its like you go searching in your mind and almost try to convince yourself of its truth, but can still be left in doubt, but when someone says something from their lived experience, your whole body aligns to what they have just said and you feel it’s absolute truth, no question.
Thank you for highlighting how crazy the notion of self-sacrificing is Matilda. Not caring for ourselves demonstrates behaviour to our children that we would never want them to replicate. For me the notion of putting ourselves last comes from the thought that we can only care so much, and that we might use up all of our care on ourselves and then not be able to care for our children or others. This is so crazy, in my experience the more I care for myself the greater my ability is to care for those around me.
Commitment and consistency are important aspects of self-care as no matter how simple the action is it allows us to create a flow in life in which more significant choices can be made to truly support us.
Everything we do carries our imprint of whether we are holding an awareness of caring or not. It’s one of those unseen but very present qualities and can change the course of not only our day but also the person who follows be it where we have walked or worked, driven or shopped. We all move through the same space and feel it on some level.
I’m feeling the level of care that comes from just being present with my body. When I am with me I naturally treat myself with care and this flows on to everything I do during the day, I can feel the care in how I work, how I prepare food and how I dress myself.
The difference is palpable when people live what they speak.
I know I can really feel when someone is talking about something that they actually live. Their words are full of the truth of what they are saying as the experience is in their body. In contrast it is obvious when someone is speaking about something but they don’t live it. The words are empty and there is a sense that they are trying to prove something. There is no need to prove that which we already live.
One aspect of self care is consistency, starting with small, simple steps, a daily rhythm of support, whether it be a walk, a moment to appreciate, a stop to feel our bodies, observing our thoughts and how they can support or take us out from feeling our bodies, then deepening each activity to another level of awareness, tenderness, sensitivity. Accepting where we are and how far we have come, knowing that there is always more, but not judging or criticising ourselves, for that is abuse, not love.
It took me a long time to accept that the concept of self-care was not riddled with self-indulgence and being selfish. Putting myself in front of someone else in the name of self-care was simply a foreign concept until I learnt the more love and care we give ourselves the more we have in abundance for others not to mention the more energy we have for ourselves and others.
Introducing these simple moments of self care into daily life provides constant opportunities to build a stronger awareness of the body and what it is communicating. This deepening relationship stops us walking around like talking heads, oblivious to the truth of what we are feeling and what we intrinsically know. When we fully inhabit our body, we cannot but take care of it and feel its preciousness.
To become a master craftsman, one needs to be very precise in what you do. You start as an apprentice and shadow someone that has already mastered what you would like to become yourself. Becoming the master of self-care is the same, but it is something we have forgotten how to be, so this is a simple choice away and great role models that are walking the talk!
If someone’s telling me to do something but isn’t actually doing or living it themself it for sure isn’t so inspiring! I agree we do all learn much more by real lived example.
I agree Fiona, lived experience is powerfully inspiring.
Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others. This one is a very common choice by most women, thinking that they have to always be doing to prove their worth and value, and wear many hats at once. This is disregarding our bodies and taking us further away from our natural ability to be still within ourselves and follow our body’s impulses and not our heads. Self care can never truly be self care, if we are going by what our heads are telling us to do. Our bodies definitely know best, and know how to move in grace if we just allow it.
We can never underestimate the power of our reflection to others when we take responsibility for walking our talk, as you have shared Matilda it can be something simple that is expressed such as the way of how we open a door or how we speak to another but the effects can be profound as people really clock these things and are inspired to live it for themselves.
These days we don’t just walk but have the added ability to drive around. What is clear to me is when I don’t have the key things that support me in place, the rest of my day is all over the place – off the track. Reading your words Mathilda I realise that the exact quality I bring to these rituals is also a super important thing. It actually feels like they are filling my tank with loving fuel for the day. The more I embrace the divine quality in me as I go about my way, the fuller I am, and how much easier the flow of life around me. For although we might like to see ourselves as separate individuals the fact is we are all so connected and affected by choices. So in the end what is loving and truly supportive for all is for us to cherish our vehicle to the max, like we are a Rolls Royce. We may be surprised to see how everything changes with this simple act.
Wonderful analogy Joseph. I often wonder how we can give so much loving attention to cars and homes but not the same to our bodies. I have found that cherishing my body to the max (with a few exceptions) supports me and my body in my work as a carer working fourteen hour days, six days a week, largely without illness and injury. Whereas colleagues are plagued with repeated illness or health conditions and have to take time off work.
This blog brings more sense to why we resist what seemingly appears like a small choice… Look at the power of what these small choices can unlock and offer others.
In the knowing that every aspect of our every day is connected, we can choose to work on one aspect and experience the deepening in all aspects.
Self care is a new concept for anyone who was brought up with what I call ‘Martyr Syndrome’ where we consider everyone else before ourselves. How does it feel when we have people looking after us who do not care for themselves? How can we feel what we truly need to do unless we can feel it in their bodies? We may work for a boss who is completely driven and we expect ourselves to keep up, but it feels awful in our body. We may have a nurse who is looking after the sick but who is tired and exhausted – how does that support our getting better? It makes sense once we understand that self care is not selfish, because when we truly self care, then we have a body that is able to fully support the people around us.
And this is how we change the quality of our culture, not by preaching or imposing, but by living the principles we value, making them real choices and actions in our daily lives so that what is shared is seen and felt first and then communicated if required. The “Do what I do” message travels far and wide simply because we absorb these living examples with all our senses not just one or two.
“If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.” This is so true and could be one of the main reasons why the Health Service is now over loaded and at continual breaking point because we are not taking care or responsibility for ourselves and when things go wrong rather than look to ourselves we look to others to bail us out. The depth of this reliance was shown to me recently with the death of someone close to me who had abdicated from life and all responsibilities and care for himself and rather than look at his life he relied totally on the Health service to put him right.
I had a dream the other night that there were 12 and 13 year olds drinking designer beers and cocktails on the streets of Melbourne where I grew up. In the dream I was shocked, I asked someone why they were all drinking on the street and they replied that it was because it was school holidays. When I woke up, I considered the dream, I realised the brand of beer they were drinking was the same as the beers that were at a party I went to recently in real life, I was catering and lots of friends and parents I knew from school were there and of course they were all drinking, fancy beer and cocktails. To cut a long story short, the message from the dream was this for me: if we don’t want our kids out drinking and wild and on the street, then why do we unleash with the booze at parties as adults? When you see kids that are so young drinking, it feels wrong but how are we as adults any more capable of handling it alcohol? If anything, the older our bodies get the harder it is to ingest poison, that affects our brain and liver junction. So my question is this; is there a part of teen drinking that needs to be led by us, as parents? Do we all hold the power for our teen to be different, through walking the talk….to this I say yes, we do, to lead by example is but the best way to lead.
When you are with yourself and truly feeling your own amazing essence, it’s just natural to want to self care and move in a way that supports that to a tee. This is self responsibility, but as soon as you move away from your body and into your head, things can go pear shaped.
The fact that you found that the young people followed your lead when you put in place self-loving routines, not only shows the power and significance of teaching by example, but it also brings home the immense responsibility of the impact of our choices of how we live our lives. Because if they are clocking the self-loving routines, they will also be clocking any self-abusing mannerisms. We are role models to one another 24/7. So the question becomes what example are we providing.
And the beauty of life is that with taking extra care of me, I’m actually observing much more and open to learn from others. Everyone’s got qualities from which I can learn and of course they can learn from me too. Being with ourselves in the tasks we do is a totally different way of living in fact. For me it’s changed my whole life. Upside down. Self-care has led to appreciation and now when I’m not appreciative, I know I’m not with me.
Self-study is such a valuable tool, especially when you have the back-up of people around you from whom you can get a reflection. Being open and discussing with others how their journey is unfolding for them is a key in understanding the way I sometimes get lost and confused around things that are absolutely senseless.
So much of my life could be more self-caring and when it is so simple to implement I feel it is time for an overhaul of the ways I have in place and to bring a greater depth to my Livingness so as not be so racy. I can then find the space to stay connected.
The message about inspiring others simply by the way we live is loud and clear in your blog Matilda. People pay much more attention to what we do than what we say. I love how you made the way you are an experiment to observe that eventually lead to you making different choices. We cant expect different results by doing the same things. We have to be prepared to try another way.
Reading your blog again this morning Matilda I was struck by this question – “And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” I would not have considered self respect when carrying out everyday tasks like making tea, but the question is about the how, not simply the doing. What a great question to ask myself. Its one I will be reflecting on because I can already feel there are areas where I act and don’t have any regard for myself, making the focus all about completing the task.
When we cripple ourselves, metaphorically speaking, we are much less able to support others, apart from the damage we do to ourselves. It is important to appreciate that we can be of benefit to others.
Making such simple changes in my own life is having such a profound effect. Thankyou for bringing this to the fore again Matilda, its been really supportive and very inspiring.
Distraction and being focussed on what was ahead, or what I had to do next was how I used to drive myself every day, and can still do at times if I am not fully focussed and in the moment. You just can’t bring true quality to what you do when your focus is on something that you haven’t arrived at yet. No wonder half the population is running on nervous energy and needs sugar to keep them going.
We do indeed learn by example and if we want to change the world it is not about going out with missionary-like zeal and telling everybody the wonders of how self-care changes lives, we need to be living it consistently, because when we live it, what we say comes with the absolute authority that is present in our bodies as our lived experience and can be felt as a truth by all who pass by. Sometimes we don’t need to say anything and changes happen around us, because like ripples in a pool, the way we live emanates out to the world.
‘ like ripples in a pool, the way we live emanates out to the world’. Beautiful expressed Carmel.
This is the ultimate in self responsibility, because how we are affects all of humanity.
The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told – so the natural extrapolation of this is that if we look down on the activity of self-care, we are creating a framework that says:
• Don’t respond to, or respect how we feel
• Don’t listen to what our body is telling us at any given time
• Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others
When expressed in the above way it is ludicrous for us to NOT self –care.
The old perspective on self-care is controlling and has been manipulated and renamed as selfish. True Self-care is learned through observation and by example and has so much to bring to our world. Experiencing self-care and a deep love of self brings the understanding of what it truly feels like to be loved and so we are then able to bring this to others.
Matilda, I completely agree with this, ‘not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’. In the care industry that I work part time in I have observed how often carers get sick, get back pain etc.. this means that they are then unable to look after clients and this is then very disruptive for the clients, I can feel that it is our responsibility to look after ourselves otherwise this has a knock on effect on others.
Self-care is never truly about self as this choice affects much more than just ourselves alone.
“As an experiment and moment of self-study, I tried this exercise: I took one thing I did in my everyday that I could identify as taking care of myself” Such a simple exercise but very powerful if delivered to our selves everyday. I know for myself the whole concept of Self Care seemed very alien and daunting when I first heard it discussed, yet in reality there are many ways we care for ourselves in our daily life, that when identified and acknowledged support us to go deeper and broaden our capacity to nurture ourselves.
It is the greatest sabotage and attack on us the notion that to self-care is ‘selfish’. For in that kind of self-abuse that constitutes so much of care of others, what is the quality we convey to those we care, and what is the message that we are sending to our children – that we are not worth taking care of? – thus spawning another generation who will repeat the same self-abuse. Bringing back a quality of true self-care and self-love equally will benefit all who experience it.
Self Care is perhaps the most fundamental science and form of intelligence for the human being, as, incorporating this into our daily activities, it has the capacity to transform the health and well being of a community, a country and even global health.
People can feel if what we share is shared from a lived experience or from knowledge. When we share something from a lived experience then it comes with so much more power. Whereas the things we have read about or heard about and share as knowledge but have not actually lived it, the effect is so much more reduced and short lived.
We don’t expect our cars to run smoothly without petrol and regular servicing, so it doesn’t seem that much of a leap to appreciate that we also deserve some care and attention. In fact the more we nurture ourselves our bodies physically change and our movements become way more tender and graceful, incredibly beautiful to experience and to feel in another.
I too have found such an expansion in my levels of self care by the fine details of my day. Things like sweeping the floors at work and even how I give and receive money from customers. You really can feel the space just open up when you are connected to every movement.
“The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish” so true, I get this reaction by some people when I share my way of living, they are not use to the concept of putting self first and then others. Most cultures often reflect putting others first and that its selfish to put self first..
Self-love leads to Love: the kingdom where our true self is found.
There is no more profound way of teaching than by example.
Being a role model is also very powerful.
It is much more powerful when we share the benefit of our lived experiences rather than present a theory or ideal. There is a natural authority that arises, which is much more readily accepted especially when the positve results of the lived experience are plain to see. Following another person’s example is so much more inviting and enjoyable then being told what we should and shouldn’t do.
I love how activities of self-care are infectious – it’s as though we are waiting for permission from other people before we become self-caring too.
Walking our talk and the immense effect of this on ourselves and others is amazing espcially when it is so simple bringing self care and living lovingly in the world .
I like how you experimented with bringing more awareness around your everyday tasks in order to find out for yourself what self care was about. What I too have learned is that self care cannot be a mental concept, it has to be a lived experience, that is we have to practice it for it to have any effect as it entails listening to what our body is telling us and acting on that.
Mathilda, it is inspiring to read how you changed your life in observing yourself and taking responsibility for your actions.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring”. This is so true, for how can we possibly expect another to do what we ask or do unless we set an example.
Developing tenderness in everything includes how we think about ourselves because every negative thought is an abuse – it can set up tensions that if not cleared can lead to illness and disease, we may think we are being honest, but if there is any degree of self bashing, as opposed to simple observation, then we are harming ourselves. Thoughts about others too, if we do anything that is even mildly laced with judgement, what effect is that having on our body? It may be very subtle, but then so are our bodies – they run with a very finely tuned balancing system, and it doesn’t take much to upset that balance, if we don’t take care.
‘It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference…’ It’s so easy to overlook the simple everyday things and brush them off as not being important. Yet, when applied its amazing to feel how powerful they are in making a difference to the quality we feel daily as we live life.
This is so true and clear Matilda. Our actions speak volumes and we cannot expect anyone, especially our children, to take note of what we say and not what we actually do.
Can I get through the day without checking out? A quick scan half way through the day made me realise I had already checkout 3-4 times that I could think of. The next question was why? What made me not stay present, was it feeling something and not expressing it, was it not acting on an impulse? Stopping to look at these moments gave me some great clues on areas that I was avoiding dealing with.
We cannot be inspired by empty words.
It is true that “the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’”. Caring for ourselves in a loving way sets the tone in a household or office, and our loving or unloving choices speak louder than words. Nothing goes unnoticed or felt.
I love how you are appreciating the little thing in life here and the impact this has on others.
“The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish…” One example of this is how many of us know carers or nurses who have shoulder injuries and/or back pain due to lifting patients in and out of bed whilst caring for them, at the complete disregard of their own bodies, in the name of caring for others, ending up incapable of working and in great pain themselves. We have a long way to go to begin to look after ourselves first, without feeling selfish. This is the reflection that the world needs otherwise we will continue to give ourselves away to making others feel better.
When you talk about the knock on effects of your livingness, it totally changes the way we parent. And here is is vital to express that we are all parents – every single one of us. Because, the definition of parenting is being responsible for another. We are all responsible for the whole, so we are all parents.
If my bucket’s empty, how can I support others to fill their bucket? When I reflect ALL of me, everyone else will feel it is a possibility that they can do the same.
I served a customer yesterday who had just been diagnosed with a tumour on her kidney. As we talked she told me that she had put everyone else first for the whole of her life. Her diagnosis has woken something up in her, and she can see why she has her condition. As she talked I could feel a strength emerging in her, and she can see how she can turn her life around by putting herself first. She is aware that everyone around her will have to adjust. She is claiming herself for the first time in her life. It was so touching to witness.
Self-care was a foreign phrase to me till a few years ago. Before re-discovering self, let alone self-care it was just essential maintenance to just keeping the wheels falling off. In fact, most of my cars were a reflection on my body, and they were treated like trucks that were trashed, but they all ran well, with a bit of twisted metal coat hangers and a bit of duck-tape. My before and after are like night and day, today. It is never too late to come back to who we all are and reflect to the world there is another way.
We can feel when someone is self-caring, there is an emanation that comes from how they dress, how they walk, how they cook, it is there in their movements and it feels lovely to be around. Feeling this in another inspires me to go deeper in my own self-care.
Matilda this is so spot on – ‘The knock-on effects are significant.’ – I too have noticed the massive impact that we have when we live the self-caring choices that we make around others. At work where I have recently started, I have noticed some subtle changes with people and they are not aware of the choices I make but they are inspired by the fresher more vital way of life that they can see in me.
“Imploded with the resentment of martyrdom” may sound dramatic, but how much bitterness truly comes into play and how harming is it for people, when they give and give when caring for others most of their lives and then become poisoned with resentment when they do not get the same care back when they need it? I am sure there are wonderful cases where this is not so, but it makes a lot of sense to me to ensure that we do not rely totally on other people and do establish great self care habits in our own lives. After all, isn’t this the way we can assure great quality of care to others?
It is remarkable that you found if you put in place basic self care practices that the children who witnessed this also stepped up in their own responsibility in taking care of themselves. Yet there is often talk of how the younger people are out of control and refusing to abide by rules and regulations or listen to advice. What is shared in this articles is huge in terms of showing that’s we have far more impact by the actual example we live and provide.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’ ~ this is brilliant…and a much needed shift in society’s way of thinking when it comes to care for ourselves and truly caring for others.
The little things are what make the difference – stopping to say out loud what we have noticed and not dismissing them in ourselves or in others around us.
Taking deep care of ourselves is a moment to moment commitment that is well worth allowing.
This really does show how the simple details of life can be so powerful.
Thank you for your inspiration Matilda.
Life is not a line that stretches from left to right, it is this very moment forever regenerating on top of itself, therefore the detail in every moment is actually all there ever is.
“Walking the talk” is key if we are to inspire others to also walk their talk… the genuineness of the ‘walking’ is clearly felt by everyone, and speaks volumes more than any words we say.
It is so true Matilda that if we aren’t truly caring for ourselves then we have no care to offer another.
‘We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers! Well now I dress myself appropriately for the weather and, hey presto, they have taken to doing so too, or running back and getting a jacket or jumper when they step outside and realise it is colder than they thought.’ This is the difference between dictating and leading.
Your little examples of self care are so easy and simple to do, and continue doing in our daily lives Matilda. We are worth it, and the body responds very loudly when we look after it, it loves being loved. I am finding as I make some changes, the ripple grows and there are many others I can do, and fit into my routine, like taking 5 minutes off after lunch, before returning to work or preparing nurturing food in advance when I know I’m going to be busy.
Selfless is not disregard of oneself but taking care of all your own rubbish to be able to reflect to others to do the same.
There is a level of self care that we think is enough, but as we refine our way of living, we can feel that there is always more: a deeper level of tenderness, stillness, of listening to more subtle signals from our body, overriding nothing, because everything means something. Tenderness can be in every small action; our thoughts can be more appreciative of who we truly are; when we speak, our voices can carry that tenderness from deep within our bodies. When we walk, or are at work, the stillness in our bodies can carry a steadiness that helps to support us through our busy day.
Re-reading this I am aware of just how much I miss being self-caring if I allow myself to become absorbed in things outside of me rather than it coming from me first.
Matilda reading your blog this morning reminded me how yesterday I loved being present and focused in conversations with people, that connection and focus was and is everything I found. However I also realised I’d not given myself that same focus when at home having a shower so will be taking up your experiment today.
And we then look on this framework of overriding who we are and what we feel with pride. If we wouldn’t like it, would we really be ready to continue to do it until our body stops us?
We can talk about self-care with great detail, but until it is shared from a lived experience, the words are empty and no one truly changes.
I love reading this again… I can see how if I have not been caring for my self, that any little thing that is asked of me outside the norm, for example my sons having friends over and needing to go here and there etc, can put me in a spin and I react. But when I have been taking care of myself, this is no big deal at all. I’ve been experimenting with small things like drying myself, brushing my teeth or washing my hair, being present with what I am doing… there is a huge difference between being in the head and staying with the body.
Self care is not selfish, the truth is not caring for ourselves is what is truly selfish, for when we do not care for ourselves, we are impacting not only ourselves. With a lack of care for ourselves, our health and well-being suffer and that affects our work, our family, our schooling, our relationships, it affects everything and everyone.
Mothers putting children before themselves is a big ideal to crack, but with deeply caring of oneself, physically, emotionally, mentally as well as through expression, this is possible.
I love this Matilda “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” I often used to champion my ability to multi-task but can see there is no quality or deeper care and certainly no conscious presence when I choose this. Thank you this blog is a perfect support to begin to truly self-care in every moment instead of just ticking a box.
What you write here Matilda is super super important, we can not look after another if we are in disregard and not looking after ourselves. This blog confirms to me there needs to be education on how to truly self care when working in any part of the Health and Social care sector.
if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom. Martyrdom I used to know all too well being a single mum and taking on far too much and then resenting my children and myself for resenting them and wanting some me time, not realising I could have had it all along in everything that I did. Now that would have been a reflection worth sharing.
I am slowly learning that caring for others before myself is like putting the cart before the horse! Once the penny finally dropped, I can safely say that due to my increasing level of self care there are people close to me that have begun to make changes in their own lives, without me preaching or giving unsolicited advice, and it rather proves the point that showing by example is the only lasting and true way to support others in allowing them to put themselves first and up their own level of self care.
The quality that we care for ourselves and walk in our everyday lives speaks volumes to all others.
The best teacher is always the one who lives what they teach. And hence how important doing what we say and being consistent are with how we parent our children.
It is interesting to observe that the very thing which will nurture us, support us and confirm us in our day to day life (Loving ourselves) is the very thing we are all too willing to forego, dismiss, brush off, skimp on if not flat resist and with so many false ideas abounding in society that self love and self-care is selfish and somewhat indulgent is a calculated lie no less, to rob us of developing a true relationship with ourselves and welcoming our Soul.
Absolutely Deborah, if we just to pick ‘one thing’ as Mathilda did and committed to doing this with quality, every day, it’s easy to quickly feel a tension and pull come up. Isn’t this revealing? There is a battle at play in life, that we can easily overlook, by hiding in our mind, whether we choose to see it or not there is a constant interplay between what is loving and what is not. The more we accept and see that this tension is always there, the less we need to be scared or seek a way to escape from our life, our day and our natural way.
This is another way of looking at it and a great truth for all those who seem to think that to do this is selfish…”So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.”
so true Irena, the way that I used to live, which was not taking care of myself but taking care of all and sundry was actually not the responsible way of living that I thought it was, in fact looking back now, it was actually energetically reckless.
One of the biggest experiences I have of not being self loving is the martyrdom of believing I am putting others first, wanting to please others and not considering how I actually feel. And from my own experience and from viewing others I notice that when you don’t consider yourself often enough it becomes quite hard to discern what it is that I actually really want. That is where bringing it back to the simplest loving gestures really does matter so much.
I have identified Matilda that I have been living in function for a long time, just getting on with everyday, pretty joylessly as a parent of 3 young children I can well relate to the building resentment of martyrdom. It is through the steady commitment to self care and self honour that I have begun to truly wake up, to feel the joy and appreciation within me and in turn express and share that with those around me. For me the word responsibility always used to refer to what I could do for others yet today I understand that for me to be able to do this requires that I embody this first for myself.
It feels so true, Matilda, what you say about us living in “a social framework of victimhood”. It has become the norm to not take responsibility and to blame others, institutions etc for what we have accepted as our daily struggle. You have beautifully blown all of that out of the water here, in sharing your personal experience of how simple it was to start being responsible for your quality of being through self care.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” love it, killer line and actually true. It should be one of the main topics at school and it feels like you already introduced it by sheer reflection. It sounds simple and it is but then it’s not for some reason. There seems to be an aspect to us as human beings that is not willing to pay enough attention to the vehicle (our physical bodies) that is carrying us through life. That would be similar to not giving your car the service and care that it needs to function at its best. So looking after our bodies is a great way to take responsibility both for ourselves but also to help not weighing down the health care system that in the end has to deal with our conditions.
The reflection that is offered by someone who truly cares for themselves is huge! The reflection has amazing power to offer healing and a pull to be more and care more for ourselves and others. I thank all those who have offered this reflection to me through their self care.
Children start life with small steps and over time build on these actions. How are we different from them when we evolve into someone that has no idea what self-care is… and then choose to return who we truly are! The journey is well worth it.
“Don’t respond to or respect how we feel”
How often do I still override. Sure I am able to clock quicker what my body is telling me, but there are moments where I refuse to clock the force which I have allowed to run my body. Afterward my body feels like destroyed, numb, almost without connection, my head leads the show and not anymore my heart. The only way I am able to bring me out of this paralized mood is movement and the commitment to move with conscious presence.
I’m realising every day that self-care is not only a constant but something that needs to forever deepen. It started with simple self-caring actions, putting myself to bed early, eating well, etc, and now it is all about my thoughts, whether I choose to be with myself or not. If I go into anxiety and nervous tension I’ve chucked my self-care out the window, as these emotions play havoc with my body.
We are naturally made to live in harmony and our self-caring choices bring us closer and closer to this way of being.
I just love reading this blog Matilda and it has brought up for me how I can tell others what is good for them but not ‘walk the talk’ or ‘practice what I preach’. Serge Benhayon is quoted as saying, ‘The only form of active self-healing is quality of presence in all you do.’ I have this quote on my wall and it brings me back to self responsibility and ‘walking the talk’.
It is easy to fall into imagining that there is a short supply of love, harmony and care. This would mean when we love someone, care for them and consider what would be harmonious for them, this will be at the expense of another person. But the fact is that love, harmony and care, if they are true, can not be directed at one person – they embrace every one. In order to hold someone else in love and care I would naturally need to start with myself otherwise I won’t be offering the real thing.
When I sit and take stock and question myself how would I like to live, the reply would be to live in a way that is caring and nurturing for myself. Why would I want to choose anything else? When we see someone live in this way, they reflect a solid presence to us all that can be inspiring, as does this story Matilda of your journey. So it is all down to our choices, we don’t need to say anything to anyone, everything can be felt how we live.
“Distracted, or present with myself?
Thinking about a multitude of other things?
Attentive to what I was doing right in that moment?
Already focusing on what I was going to be doing next? ”
These are great questions. When we are distracted in any way from being present with what we are doing, then often we have no idea that we have done the task and certainly not HOW we have carried it out. Have you ever found yourself in a room wondering what you came in there for? The fact is that if our thoughts are elsewhere while we are doing something then neither the thoughts or the task are completed with love and respect and leave a nasty trail of mess behind that then affects our own bodies and the also other people. We often complain of a Stressful Life, but who makes the stress? We create it for ourselves and waste a lot of time, and so “get stressed”, and the cycle goes on till we begin to choose to pay attention, and ask ourselves the above questions. Then we can begin the change.
The logic behind thinking someone is selfish for being self-loving is not sound.. isn’t it more selfish to not be loving?
Not taking care of ourselves means we can’t be at our best or perhaps not even our average. This harms both us and others who miss out on us.
It is profound how much change can occur when we bring our full attention to just one little thing in our day to day lives. I have been very sceptical in the past about how taking more care of changing something so minute can make a difference to my life, but the more I put this into practice, the more I am appreciating the value of my committment and consistency which I am bringing to what I am doing. In the same way that a grain of sand will add to the magnificence of dune in a desert, a tiny loving change in our movements can have the same beneficial effect in our bodies.
The absolute minimum that most of us spend on social media a day is five minutes. If we spent those five minutes committing to stopping, and self-caring (in whatever form that may take for each of us individuals) our lives would change dramatically. Truly. It is that simple.
This is inspiring Matilda. Taking care of how we are doing the little things in our day can transform how we feel, and with the platform of love we build for ourselves we are then able to share this with others.
People get applauded for doing lots of things for others but are we being fully aware of the actual energetic quality that these things are being done in? If we were perhaps we would have a different view on the importance of self care?
Over time making choices to have more self-care in the things we do becomes a way of living which can have profound effects over our quality of life. Not only this but it builds responsibility for our own wellbeing.
“The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told” Knowing this it is great to apply this to self-care and how we are with ourselves. When we would like others to care for themselves it is our foundational responsibility to do the same to ourselves and it is has a very beautiful by product to – it is very lovely to deeply take care of yourself. And it is beautiful to reflect something loving to others too.
The power of our reflection is amazing. We really don’t have to talk as much. What we live, we communicate through our bodies.
I am slowly and steadily learning that putting others first simply does not work, I am also learning to deeply self care and take full responsibility for how I feel and live. I love being the forever expanding student, discovering my true essence.
“What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant” – so inspiring Matilda and also how others clock everything about us even when you think they don’t or are not (!)
The way I open and close doors is one that I use too Matilda, it always reflects how I am with myself and brings me back to me. A simple movement done with love is so powerful, and leads to the next.
I find it amazing that it actually only takes changing one little thing, be it drinking more water or cutting back on sugar, or how present I am when I clean my teeth, or how gentle I am opening doors, that then supports other small and simple changes and suddenly, voila you are self caring and that feels so good you go a bit deeper with the next thing that feels right to experiment with.
There is a lovely aspect to this when caring for ourselves deeply, when we care for another they feel the innate quality in the care that is offered. No tick box function but a tender loving connection – in the simplest of tasks and actions. When we receive this sense of tender care from another it is a great opportunity to know when something feels harsh, rushed and based on function.
There have been times when I have acted deeply loving and been accused of being ‘selfish’. I have also experienced this inner fury of being around someone who you can feel from the way they move love themselves and others to the bone when you know you are neglecting yourself. There is nothing selfish about love, as how can we share a loving quality with others if we are not first sharing this with ourselves.
A fact of human behaviour that is super worth staying aware of; “The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told” – if we do we realise we are constantly being an example of how to live life it highlights very much the responsibility we each have towards one another.
It can be very easy to not make the effort to self-care and to override any impulses we may feel to self-nurture…but taking the very simple steps as you have mentioned Matilda gradually builds into something sustainable and can make a huge impact on the quality of life.
I would never accuse Serge Benhayon, Miranda or Natalie Benhayon for being self-indulgent or selfish because their level of self care is second to none, for without this reflection I would still be under the illusion that love comes from the outside of me rather than deep inside of me, and that to develop the RE-connection to the love inside of me starts with my own self-loving choices, so no more need to feel selfish, just allow the natural unfoldment of self-love and nurturing to bring us all back to who we truly are – bundles of Love that are here to reflect Love to the world through just being that Love from the inside out.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility” its interesting that when you look at things from different angles you end up seeing a situation in a true light. We associate looking after others as being responsible yet if we don’t first care and love ourselves no matter how hard we try and look after another we will be doing so without any responsibility as we didn’t first tend to our foundation and support.
Yes, it is a strange concept to see a person taking care of others and getting the feeling that person might be irresponsible but it could well be true.
Yes, yes, yes Matilda! The point you have made within your blog as to the importance of self-care and the natural knock-on and inspirational affect this has is priceless and a BIG lesson for anyone to come to. My partner won’t mind me sharing that as a father, he too has experienced the thoughts that taking care of himself and his body is somehow ‘selfish’ as his mind fills with thoughts about what he otherwise ‘should be doing’, for example spending that hour on himself to exercise ‘should’ be spent helping out at home or with our baby.
At the end of the day, as it is the same for me, everything that I choose to do to support me to feel the fullness, vitality and loveliness of myself completely supports me to not only handle whatever my day entails but to care far more deeply and efficiently for those within my family too. It’s a win-win! and thus a total disregard to everyone involved to think otherwise… We do have a responsibility to take care in life, and Yes this begins with ourselves.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” I love what you have exposed Matilda as it shows the responsibility we all have for ourselves – it is never to late to start to take more care for oneself!
Walking the talk of self care can be felt through the expression and movement of the body. Self Care speaks louder than words, and it is a very intimate conversation within one’s body.
And a richly rewarded conversation!
” Push through in disregard of ourselves in order to care for others”
This is huge for me to get an understanding how to support myself first in order to be able to support others.
Actions speak louder than words – this is so true Matilda. It is so supportive for me to keep this in mind when I am caring for myself and trying to support my children to care for themselves. If I can’t demonstrate this care for them to see and feel, then how will they know this?
What you share here Mathilda, shows how much we affect other people by the way we do things. People are inspired by loving actions and they register the responsibility to take care of themselves and may then start to do so themselves. If on the other hand we impose on them to do things they can react by going into stubborn rebellion or doing something begrudgingly which means that it is no longer coming with a loving energy and can in fact be more harmful than not doing it.
Bringing care to anything we do adds a loving quality to it which then affects subsequent actions. So for example, if I fold my pyjamas carefully I feel that loving care in them when I come to put them on at night which then affects how I sleep, which then affects how I am with the children next day, and so on.
I love this Sandra: acknowledging and appreciating that everything we do meets us again at some later point. Whether it is our pyjamas folded ready for later, or a meal prepared in advance – I am often so supported by something I have done earlier – and so the commitment to take responsible care is inspired and continues.
This is a great reminder Matilda! Often I find I am still putting myself last on the list and yet all my children are grown adults with children of their own. I do a lot of babysitting, that is lovely but at times I feel tired after doing so and I can see how I let myself down by not looking after me first.
“Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others.” I have fallen for it quite often even this morning placing my body and how it feels second to what I am doing. The body is the register of your health, well-being and vitality before what the quality of care can be for another.
It’s such an interesting question to ask ourselves; when was the last time we focussed or paid attention to the QUALITY of opening a door, putting away our plate or getting dressed? These are activities we often overlook as mundane and irrelevant to the big picture of life, but what if the ‘in-between bits’ in our day were the things that really mattered?
Matilda this is great what you share “we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’” is so true as we walk the walk does the talking, others are inspired our reflection, very little words need to be exchanged.
Absolutely Amita. And as a parent I am often blown away by how my kids learn stuff or are inspired to take care of themselves without the need for words – simply because they observe it in others.
Whatever we think we do to change the world for the better it isn´t until we live it and inspire by true example and it all starts with and is founded on self-care, it is the 101 of making love and harmony the leading way in a very down to earth manner everyone can relate to due to the realness of it being lived in a world that often is not loving and caring.
Note: think twice before you say “I love you!” to anyone – unless you self care.
I often hear parents who refer to their children being at home like it is a burden saying things such as ” one or two more years to go till they finish school and then I can take care of me” this lack of self-care robs parents of the opportunity of offering their children a way of living that will truly support them in their life as it is through the reflection we offer another that true change is inspired in their lives.
So true matilda – “not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility” – there is a reason airlines say “fit your mask first before helping others….”
This level of communicating is what I love about dogs. So much is shared without words.
It is true that self care is infectious, people are always watching each other and if others see how we take care of ourselves they can be inspired to do the same for themselves. It is almost like we have to seek permission to put ourselves first.
When I first heard Serge Benhayon present on the fact that we cannot truly care for another unless we care for ourself first, my whole body said a big yes to this truth, it made so much sense. How can we drink out of a cup if it is empty…..same, same, as how can we care for another if we do not inhabit a cared for body.
The level of care that I bestow upon myself since attending presentations by Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon has increased hugely. It is not that I pamper myself more but that I allow more gentleness and tenderness in the relationship I have with myself and my body. I allow a quality that is ever refining to be my guide. The way I treat myself has deepened the love I have for all that I do and for everyone I meet so that I can easily feel if I am slipping back into old ways of disregard and can, if I am willing- that is if I choose to be aware early enough and choose to respond – change again to this new living way. I also appreciate when friends point out to me how far off I am when I am off and although it might feel uncomfortable realising how I have let myself be so indulgent in a disregarding manner at least I then can choose to pull myself up as it were. Being ‘off’ could be any way that I have reacted to a situation and have let the situation run me, dwelling in the negativity rather than choosing to accept and understand what is being shown.
Walking the talk is hugely inspiring and so much more empowering to move in and express from.
If someone enquires after our welfare, we may often say ‘Oh I’m alright, thank you’ even though we might be shivering with cold. When we stop and notice how we are caring for ourselves, it becomes easier to ‘bother’ to get a cardigan and make ourselves comfortable again. The ‘martyr’ syndrome is totally pointless, but many of us live with it as our normal way of being.
Yes Carmel, our allegiance to the ‘martyr syndrome’ has to be dispensed with – the exhausting and irresponsible state of victimhood replaced with embracing responsibility and taking care of ourselves.
This is very true, Matilda, it is our responsibility to look after ourselves with our connection with ourselves with everything we do. I know everything can be felt, so the more I feel my connection, the more it reflects to others what this can be. No need for words.. walk the talk, it’s simple.
I could not help but smile at this idea of exploding with the resentment of martyrdom! ‘But I have done so much already’…. OR ‘Can’t you see the sacrifices I have made for you’. It plugs in deep to our collective psyche, and yet when we consider that all this really means is that we are offering the world a lot less than if we truly took care of ourselves. Imagine if we had nothing but the overflowing awesomeness of ourselves that we could share with all. That would be something quite different, and not selfish in the slightest – more of a responsibility.
“Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it?” Superb awareness to bring to our everyday chores that are so often performed without the real due care and consideration they deserve. When we do allow our selves to appreciate the many ways we care throughout our day, we give our selves an opportunity to deepen our presence and appreciation, bringing a greater sense of ritual and grace to these daily tasks. Making our selves a hot drink with all of our attention adds a whole new flavour to the brew, quite literally and a whole new way to feed ourselves back with the love that we deserve.
The sentence stays with me saying something like Love is feeding me back. It is worth while to closely read your sharing, Mathilda, as it contains so much wisdom.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’ So true Matilda, and a great way to approach this subject, a whole different slant when we realise that then we are not responsible with self-care – everyone suffers.
Self care is the vital key to bringing ourselves and the world back from the chaos and misery we currently have as our way of life. Once we have self-care operating – a real respect and honouring and ourselves who are in fact jewels of the universe – we can then expand into self-love and from there we can expand into Love of others and of the world, and then not even the sky is the limit. It is so simple, but will we commit to this as a race? Our heath, well-being and joy depend upon it.
What you have expressed here Matilda is so powerful; I resonate strongly with imploding with the resentment of martyrdom. Your blog is a beautiful reminder to self care for oneself and thus humanity;
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom”.
Self care includes listening to our bodies because they are talking to us all the time. We might try to push through to get things done but if we stop and feel, we may notice that a hardness has crept in. Do we notice when we get defensive? How does that manifest? Does it create a smidgeon of tension? The smallest detail of anything we do that is not in harmony creates a pocket of tension somewhere in our bodies that will eventually lead to illness and disease. Our communications are no longer true because they are laced with issues we create or past hurts that we hold on to. Self care, being tender in everything we think, do or say, brings a true connection that enables us to feel and express truth wherever we are.
This blog is great because it highlights how self-care is all about how we move, and how we move is all about the intentions towards ourselves first, which can be from a deeply loving place which includes all of humanity, or it can be from self-dis-regard which is solely about oneself with little regard for the impact that we can have on those not only who we love, but also just who we pass by in the street. We are never not reflecting something to each other.
at the end of the day ‘self’ will be dissolved completely, therefore ‘self care’ really is care of all others, as we will all melt back into the pot of Oneness.
I love this blog Matilda, it is a reminder of the responsibility that we all have to care deeply for ourselves and that our reflection is so much more powerful than anything we say.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others.” It can be a case of the blind leading the blind when we fail to care for our own health and needs. Putting ourselves firmly in the equation is essential, if we are to do a proper job of caring for others, our children and elderly family members, being fit, well and vital is a ‘must have’. How amazing would it be if Self Care was an integral part of our training for all those who work in the field of care from Doctors, Nurses and Care Assistants all the way down the line.
It is beautiful to read this and feel that it is in the care of one self that we inspire others. Not by the talk, but by the walk.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” Now there’s a thought. True wisdom.
Today I had a discussion with colleagues about the quality we offer our clients and the responsibility that comes with offering a support for healing like in physiotherapy and other modalities. Very interesting point was to recognize the lack of care and consequently health applied for oneself while being in a role of facilitating another person´s wellbeing and health, a ridiculous contradiction that makes no sense at all and actually is completely irresponsible. We need to live what we (like to) share, otherwise there is no true inspiration and thus no healing.
How much of our parenting is preaching the good stuff. I can certainly put my hand up I wanted the best for my children but was not living it myself, now I am developing a loving relationship with myself and letting go of this ingrained behaviour of looking after everyone but myself, that was something I needed to deserve. And the simple exercises you give in this blog are certainly a beautiful way to build a connection with who I truly am, someone worth caring for…first.
The responsibility in walking our talk is what the world is desperately seeking because it is no where to be seen really, only by a small few that live this in their every breath and movement that they make. When we stop and look at what is going on in the world then we have to be honest and say things are really bad. Illness and disease is sky rocketing and yet we continue to live in our comfortable lives. When it doesn’t affect us we immediately then turn a blind eye. This is even more of a reason to be consistent and walk our talk in they way that we are living. No holding back or doing it sharing it for a selected few – we have to be this all of the time for every situation we live in.
There is a lot of talk about self care these days and much of it is empty landing and sliding away. Self care to me is much more than going through the motions it is developing a loving and nurturing relationship with myself and getting to know me intimately. In doing that I have so much more to offer and with a solidness of understanding.
Beautifully said. Self-care is not a superficial range of activities; for me these always ran their course and were not sustainable. Self-care in my experience is a willingness to develop my relationship with myself; it is a quiet, unshowy, intimate relationship with me that sets the foundation for everything I do and every interaction I have with anyone else.
To be caught up in the intensity of life is to have forgotten the power and inspiration we each have the ability to offer every intense environment we surround ourselves with.
It is grossly irresponsible to not care for ourselves and this deprives us of our true connection to joy and to love.
This has been a topic that has been coming up in my family at the moment. We can have so many beliefs and ideals we project onto others that self care gets pushed to the side or shunned upon.
‘…we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.’ Brilliant line Matilda, one that I feel absolute truth with in my body. Not only feel it but see it prove itself over and over.
Agreed. The difference between those times when I say something that I do not actually live myself and when I offer up opportunities by the way I live, is huge. The former is empty and bossy, the latter simply an invitation.
Putting ourselves first is such a no no in society many of us have been brought up in and all the beliefs and ideals about looking after others first that come with this. So this is an amazing reflection about what we all bring and the love and inspiration we all offer when we truly self nurture and care for our selves first . This can be felt and is the true inspiration for us all. Walking the talk says it all thank you, Matilda for this simple reflection, beauty and all the offerings to take into our lives and live.
When I focus on my own personal struggle and make my issues much bigger than they are I lose all perspective on life and it’s purpose, everything feels like it’s jarring. When I feel the enormity of the bigger picture the struggles with life disipate and instead are replaced with a sense of true purpose.
Fiona when I read your comment I pictured someone putting on 2 different pairs of glasses, one after the other. We can literally look through one set of lenses and swear blind that what we see is the truth but then swap those lenses for other ones and hey presto, suddenly life is a radically different place. Hence why we have so many different views of the same world. There will be a day however when every body is looking through the lens of love and then what we all see will be the same.
It is ironic that we know that the best way to learn is from example yet society applauds self-sacrifice to support others at the expense of self-care yet it is the latter that is the true example to be able to support another, which this blog exposes.
This can often be the case with children too, it is the norm to recognise and reward an act of kindness towards another, yet how often do we confirm a child for looking after themselves, for that big wooly hat they chose to put on, or how they combed their hair in the morning – many of these small acts of self care can be overlooked or taken for granted.
What I find fascinating is how when we start to look after ourselves even by doing one simple thing the knock on effects on all areas on our lives is huge. I also find the more I look after myself the more I also look after others. So self care is far from selfish as it actually means I embrace life and humanity far more than I ever did before. People also get someone they want to be around – rather than the given up, frustrated and often drug or drink induced person I used to be!
In a recent training session that we did on emotional intelligence for my work, we were asked to tick boxes on things that we don’t do for ourselves. Quite a few colleagues said they had ticked most of the boxes which was a complete surprise to them and this really reflected how little time they actually spend on themselves which was a great thing to actually see on paper and admit to.It’s quite sad that we have to actually go to a workshop to find out our self care does not really exist.
Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others. This point in particular was an ingrained habit and one I played very well and left me exhausted. Thankfully by attending the courses of Serge, I began with baby steps of self-care and now I love giving to myself and taking care of myself.
It is time to take my training wheels off and ‘walk my talk’ without holding back the love that I am so I can live with much more self-care. Caring for myself first before others rings home for me. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I simply have to feel into every situation and not throw the baby out with the bath water, but hold onto both and have a real approach to life!
Matilda, what you are sharing is so true, ‘we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’, I find that with my son I will say ‘sit down when you are eating’ and he will point out that I sometimes stand or walk around eating and so I am realising that I have to be living and role modelling what I am telling him to do otherwise it is empty words that will not be listened to.
A good example is people who are carers of some one in a family that requires 24/7 assistance. By not having time for self-care the burnout rate is high, and you wind up with two people needing help, and someone else has to pick up the work you were doing, and the cycle carries on.
“If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances” – Matilda what you share here is also ‘the picture of work’ for society too, and it seems particularly now at the younger generation, ‘Gen Y’ or ‘Gen Z’ there is a complacency brewed and in this expectancy for things to come to them ‘by right’, and if not, then to blame and demand ending up in complaint or an opt-out, which i see happening a lot in my job of recruiting through candidate’s experiences of work/changing jobs or ‘job-hopping’. But, as you say the example of non-care to not-care stems from families/parenthood, and so the kids growing up into young adults now have only received such attitude from us as older abdicating-responsibility parents. Self-care is so simple and without it the ramifications are so ginormous affecting everything in every aspect of life.
Thank you Matilda, this is such a beautiful sharing of what it is truly to care for one’s self and the importance and responsibility we have in doing this.
Self-care can be a beautiful start to the path of greater awareness.
This is such a seminal article Matilda. I, like Ken Elmer, have lived with a ‘to do’ list that I have used to drive me along, in the same way a race horse is driven by its jocky – something I abhor when I see it, but here I am doing it myself and to myself! This morning after 2 days at an Esoteric Massage 2 Course where we have been clearing past momentums held in the body, I am feeling profoundly at rest and am having a wonderful relationship with my ‘to do’ list. It is there to facilitate life and make sure I do not overlook a task, but not there to drive me.
I totally agree about learning so much more by example than by just being told. If we’re telling someone to look after themselves but neglecting ourselves in the process it undermines what we’re trying to say and makes it seem more just like theory rather than something actually lived.
Matilda you make some great points about self care, including “Don’t respond to, or respect how we feel; Don’t listen to what our body is telling us at any given time; Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others.” These have all been in my foundation as a way of life, and as I choose to put myself first and honour how I feel the world does not fall to pieces. It’s actually more like a feeling of putting myself back together, and by taking responsibility for myself I’m able to let others take responsibility for themselves as well.
The importance of self-care is still not truly valued or known by most of humanity as if it was every school, university and training of any type, particularly the caring industry would include a self-care module, class etc. This would be seen as paramount.
“We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers! Well now I dress myself appropriately for the weather and, hey presto, they have taken to doing so too, or running back and getting a jacket or jumper when they step outside and realise it is colder than they thought.” I love this – such a simple example of how profoundly powerful a reflection of self care is.
Bringing a quality of movement to the fine detail of our daily activity, such as washing up, cleaning teeth, folding clothing, how I connect with another person, soon ripples out to the rest of my day. Even just laying in bed a moment to feel my body before I get up and choose to get out of bed very tenderly is a day changer. It says “I choose me”, and I can choose to stay with me so I need not absorb all the expectations and pressures of the day.
It can be tempting to see self-care as an additional thing that you go to when things go wrong, or life seems out of sorts. But what I am feeling Matilda as I read your words, is just how loving rituals are essential supporting tool, that make ripples in life, and if they aren’t there or get missed out there is a much lesser replacement instead. And more than anything, everything we do has a capability to become a ceremony you can bring all your Love to. So then every move and gesture you make is talking loud with words of Love.
Absolutely Joseph, and with daily consistency we make these loving rituals part of our norm which is deeply self-supporting.
What a great way to practically talk about self-care! There is one way of developing a quality of life we all desire, and that is self-care. As you say it is in the simple things, and it is nothing to do with indulgence or pampering.
I have lived my life with a to do list. I would do what I considered most important first.This is ok except that I was judging one thing more important than another. This sets me up to be stressed and tense.
So I am working at letting go of how I think things should be, and just focusing on whatever task is in front of me. Just understanding this concept has allowed my body to relax. When I find myself tensing up I stop and breath and get back to myself. I do not have to do anything I just need to be me!
Thank you Simple-Living Global and Universal Medicine for presenting a way of living that works for me!
Like with every craft without establishing the basic skills nothing really works well. It is the same with self-care, the basic practical aspects of caring for one´s body are building the solid foundation to then refine and expand the level of care but also the areas of life I know to apply loving awareness. It is a forever unfolding and deepening learning whereby nothing is left behind but consistently developed.
When we bring our everything to something – even if it is as seemingly simple as brushing our teeth; we open ourselves to a way of moving and a quality that can then be brought into everything else. Everything is everything.
Nothing inspires more than one who walks their talk.
As simple as ‘A’ ‘B’ ‘C’ – Application, ‘Body awareness and Connection. I could go on to Deepening discipline! When we Experiment I Find that is a Great WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?in How I relate to Just about everyone. Keeping it simple like the Livingness does, brings intuition into the Mind-Body relationship which, Needs to be Only felt and not intellectualised. Being Present and not programmed to react, brings a Quality to my existence that conveys a feeling of Unification. Being Responsible for my choices in life is what Serge Benhayon has presented to me and my Livingness has Taken on a whole new unfolding because of those teachings. A very simple reason in life WHAT DOES THIS MEAN is that the truth about the Virtual reality that I was living in is Waiting for me to wake up.
In addition to self-care being scorned, self-abuse may even be celebrated. I have read journalists in major publications boasting about how exhausted they are. I had a double take the first time I read something such as this.
“Don’t listen to what our body is telling us at any given time” love it, the simplest and yet sometimes most crazy thing, our body is communicating moment to moment, and we have learned to be in a way that serves our mind and beliefs, which forces our body to be a certain way.
Inspiration inspires more to lead what they have seen. The most infectious mode of communication (in a good way 😉 )
It is interesting that we can be so eager to support others but when it comes to ourselves we endlessly distract ourselves and shirk the responsibility.
Taking one thing every day and bringing the quality of it into our bodies and moving with this throughout the day has remarkable effects on our bodies and the care we take with everything.This is so inspiring and such a support to my life as is the differences it makes with everything and to how i feel. True self care is very loving for us all .
Self-care is primary to being able to care for others.
Yes, first we find out that caring for ourselves makes us feel better and more effective. Then we may choose to take more and more care of ourselves in order to take more and more care of others.
Matilda what I’ve noticed is that by relationship with things is that some I feel are more important than others, for example I will brush past the small seemingly non important things (the ones I don’t get a medal for doing) however it is those small things that actually make all the difference.
I have spent most of my life ‘pushing through’, thinking that I was doing what was best for everyone else, especially as a mother, but in actual fact offering everyone around me no quality of being or true love. What a turn around then to finally decide to care for myself first, thanks to the teachings of Serge Benhayon. When my cup is full of my own love it naturally spills over into everything I do in life.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ Our body is a vehicle of expression, if it is in prime condition, we can be clear in all our communications. If we are numbed by food, busy-ness, social media and late nights, or we are tense with anger, anxiousness, comparison, judgement or jealousy, we cannot feel the energy that’s passing through our bodies and are unaware that what we express is laced with a false consciousness that continues to feed us back negative thoughts. That means that we are harming not healing with every word we speak. Taking loving care of ourselves means being more tender, more open, and refining our way of living so that the body is able to communicate clearly what is going on.
The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish…. Yes I would agree Matilda, and as children we learn more by observation than by anything else. Thus behaviours and attitudes are learned from all those around us. So each of us is responsible to self-care and self-nurture, and the more adults that adopt this, there will be a different reflection for all our children, not just our own, until such times that self-care is normal!
Aren’t we fascinated about the magic in movies or TV-shows, in fairy-tales and in our fantasies as kids? What if true magic was happening as the most natural of things in our daily lives?
When we care for ourselves we care for all equally – that’s magic!
We can always deepen the level of care that we feel and choose to live with for ourselves and this does then ripple out to everyone and everything with which we have contact. It inevitably brings that caring to another although they might not choose to feel it or allow it for themselves. I know I can put up a barrier to the love that is presenting itself as if I cannot allow myself that much care or love. Being aware of this I can then become more honest with myself and see this care and love for what it is and allow myself to let it in and feel the expansion and connection and joy that this brings.
When I bring a focus to this very simple but precise level of detail, a whole different experience of the world opens up. As just one for instance, do I take just a moment or too longer in the shower just to enjoy the waterfall… or am I rushed or already thinking about the next thing?
“…if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others.” Not only this, but my understanding of what care is and my ability to care for others is directly related to my experience of care. My experience of care is primarily through the way I care for myself, therefore, by deepening my self care, I deepen the care I can offer all others.
It’s only through choosing to truly care for myself that I’ve been able to experience how exquisite tenderness feels in my body, this has allowed me to feel how ‘hard’ I have been when I thought I was being tender.
If we are not choosing to care for ourselves in the same way that we do for a newborn baby, we are seeing ourselves as less deserving, which translates to a level of disregard towards our precious selves. This disregard affects the quality of our every movement, even when we are choosing to be tender, the quality is a lesser version, only when we treasure our selves first, accepting that we deserve the same level of care as everyone else will we be sharing the true depth of our tenderness.
The word treasure is very powerful, Alison, and it takes me to a deeper respect and tenderness with myself, which, as you say has a direct impact on the tenderness and care I can take of others. Understanding and appreciating this makes it pretty hard not to apply the treasuring care to myself in the first place.
Every need we put out to the world is a deeper responsibility we can take with ourselves, this does not mean we are to do everything on our own, but an opportunity to first reflect if we can deeper care for and love ourselves. For when we love and care for ourselves so deeply, it is impossible to hold back in caring for the whole world and we do not have to compromise ourselves.
“…In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level…” And from this, nothing is a chore or mundane anymore!
Since reading your blog Matilda, every time I work at my desk on my computer or anywhere on my computer actually, I check in regularly with my body: shoulders relaxed, breathing steady and tender, check whether my breasts are emanating and if not why not, and my cervix is clear and pulsating, connection between breasts and pubic bone, that my legs are relaxed and that there is no push in my body to “get the job done”. This practice has made an enormous difference to the quality of my work and the quality of my being.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” How sad it is that in our present society, we don’t take more loving care of ourselves. We may buy ourselves beautiful clothes, or things, but when it comes to taking care of our bodies, we are sadly lacking. This is particularly the case for women when they have children. They keenly feel their responsibilities with regard to the children, but give little thought to the condition of their own bodies to have the energy to truly look after their children. Mothers especially develop so many worries for their children and their safety, build up so much anxiety for their welfare, they can actually be harming themselves as they develop so much stress in their bodies. I have seen this develop in a mother who was constantly worrying about her daughters, and how they would cope with all the problems in their lives, when they were married with their own children, completely ignoring her own needs. When this elderly mother suddenly developed breast cancer in her early 70’s, people were so surprised that this could happen. Was it a message to think more of herself, take more responsibility for herself, rather than worry about others?
It doesn’t make sense that we have taken on the belief that caring for ourselves is selfish, and that it is deemed that we ‘care’ for another by putting our well-being last. I have discovered that caring for ourselves is a deeply loving act, through which we build a loving foundation whereby we can bring a body of Love to all we do and all that we then care for.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” How very true that is, and how often do we hear it said when a woman who has done so much for her family suddenly finds she has something like breast cancer – “why does she have breast cancer, she has been so good to her family, she does not deserve that?” It is as if people think that having cancer is a punishment for bad behaviour. But actually breast cancer is a way that the body has to alert us to the fact that we are not living as we need to be living, taking care of ourselves. It is not a punishment, but a message for us to change the way we are living. How beautiful is that? It gives us an opportunity to connect to ourselves and begin to take care of ourselves. If we just listened more to our bodies, then how much could we then heal ourselves?
That others were inspired to make changes in their own lives without you saying anything, simply and powerfully by how you are living (by your reflection) is a significant point Matilda… our every expression is affecting others either way.
Self care as you say is sometimes seen as indulgent but in truth it is the most responsible way we can live. If we take care and respond to our body in a loving and nurturing way this is the quality we share with others. The way we live affects all of us and when seen from this perspective is a healthy choice respecting the all.
Self care is our responsibility absolutely – our current health stats show us the impact of not taking care and with hospitals bursting at the seams we can see irresponsibility head on.
The amazing thing about those that make the choice to bring more self-care into their lives is that it is clear for all to see and offers everyone else choice to bring more self-care for themselves too. A wave of inspiration.
Often the talk is exactly that – ‘talk’. ‘
Talking it up’ is just that…show me a living way any day of a person who walks their talk for they are living proof of a True way or a false. A True living way such as Serge Benhayon lives, may inspire us to follow, just as a false way lived by another gives us a ready made excuse to follow if we are seeking other than the truth.
When we Self Love we are caring for more than just our body. As we care deeply for our own bodies we are in fact caring for the whole, as nothing can be done in isolation.
Self care has the double effect of deepening our connection with ourselves and when this is connected to then provides an opportunity for all to see a different way. The reflection of self care can ignite in others that we are from something so much greater than this human body.
Matilda, Ive seen this quite often where women will do anything for their children even if its to the detriment of themselves. What kind of message does this send to children? I can see that a woman who cares deeply for herself, who is deeply caring and nurturing will reflect this for all to feel.
A great question to ask and ponder on, Christopher, particularly if we want to get some insight into how we are building/perpetuating a society of such disregard… to self and therefore others.
I have noticed it can be quite an awakening and welcome surprise for people when they understand that it is no crime, but in fact super supportive of everyone to care for themselves lovingly first. The belief that you must always put others first and often at the expense of your own health and wellbeing has had its run and can now be put to bed.
Thus the true concept of self care explained in full – it is not narcissistic to do so, although that is what we have been taught. But we need to look at and challenge why we have been taught that. There comes a point in life sometimes where self care is not the most important thing, and I refer here to what happened in the great world wars, where there was not the opportunity for such, and instead life became about huge sacrifice to protect the most basic of human rights. From that event, the truth is we are still traumatised to the point where talk of self care is seen as indulgent. Which it was back in those times. However, we no longer live in those times, and so the concept of martyrdom is in itself actually the indulgence, especially if we live according to such a principal of self abuse when it is no longer needed.
The shadow of narcissism can often curtail even the most simple of conversations about self-care. And I love what you say about the indulgence of martyrdom – agree entirely – it’s the perfect excuse not to take responsibility.
When I talk to some of my friends about the stuff that I do to take care of myself; the way I eat, walk, sleep, rest, etc….the common reaction is about my will power, or my dedication, or my discipline. But it isn’t like that. Well, sometimes it is. It is like that when I am only doing it for myself – to make my life better – then it is like that and then it is easy for me to slip up. BUT, when I play big, see big, care big, feel big, then these steps are so easy; they become a no-brainer. If I am living with the full awareness that every move affects the all, then there is no way that I am not going to make my bed (for example). So – for me – it’s all about appreciating the undeniable fact that we are never not a part of the universe – even when we are tucked up behind the four walls of house where no-one can see us.
We are a part of the whole and thus every single moment and movement matters. I still haven’t fully grasped this. But when I live with that awareness and with that commitment it is amazing how much sense everything makes and how easy it is to commit to a deep level of presence and purpose. As soon as I take my eye off the big picture, then life becomes a real struggle.
Lovely reminder Otto, not to take my eye of the bigger picture, perfect for me to read today.
The simple daily gestures have a paramount effect on our lives and our ability to support others.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ This is a fundamental truth. Putting others first is not a gesture of love. Love always hold everyone equal.
Self-Caring doesn’t need to be complicated, expensive or time-consuming. It can be the simple act of keeping my thoughts aligned with what I am doing.
We cannot ever expect another to listen to an opinion and or take advice if we are not willing to live what we are talking about. Our focus has to be first on how we take care of ourselves, and what we are willing and not willing to accept as being ok before we can start telling others how they should live their own lives.
I love the blog Matilda, I think we all need to learn to walk our talk more, after all, words are so empty and substance-less if we don’t live, practice and intimately know what we’re talking about.
It makes sense that if we lead by example our children will follow, because lets face it they just as easily pick up our disregard towards ourselves and in most cases replicate that within themselves, so they could just as easily pick up the self loving choices we make.
It is very simple but so rewarding in many ways. Why should we let ourselves be cold outside when we don’t have to, but simply out of carelessness… And the same applies with many other simple acts of self care in everyday life, like going to bed early so we don’t exhaust ourselves… It makes such a difference to our body at the end of the day and that difference can be felt long after.
It is quite clear to feel the difference when someone is preaching from what we all should do, compared to someone who is living by example of where we all could be. I can feel how you walk the talk Matilda by the focus of your attention to the details that you describe. The activity of self care becomes a lived rhythm, and is a very powerful base to come from in our everyday lives and to reflect it wherever we go.
Yesterday I was in reaction and got angry. I could feel the effects of this in my body this morning and how this tension would continue to play out in my relationships today, so I chose to exercise gently this morning and to really spend the time simply focussing and being gentle with myself. In this way I could feel my body let go of much of what had happened yesterday so that I can continue to be as gentle and as connected as I can. To me to take care of myself in this way makes sense as otherwise those around me are going to bear the brunt of my contraction.
I have put a reminder on my Computer display – “Its not what we do that is important, its how we live” It reminds me, it says something to those around me… and dovetails in with the fact that people barely listen to what you say, but they are watching and learning from every move you make.
“If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into ” I know I did and can still have a tendency to do so if I don’t want to take responsibility for my actions. At the end of the day what right have I got to expect someone else to pick up the pieces of my life if I have been careless with it. The quality of my health depends on the way I care for myself and no-one else has the power or responsibility to change that except moi.
I feel the more we commit to self-care, it becomes a foundational part of our day to day and as such, it becomes harder for it not to be so. Where once it is rather foreign for us to develop a relationship with ourselves and nurture ourselves with true care, it then becomes inconceivable and un-natural to choose not to live in this way.
Lately I have been very aware of ‘telling’ rather than sharing with words or by example. There have been many situations when I am ‘explaining’ to one of my children how I have felt in a situation and how they could have handled things differently and my whole body very clearly asks me ‘do you live this yourself’ …. it stops me in my tracks as I can feel that I am not, which is why it starts as a difficult conversation, then allowing the space to share together, everything changes. I love the way our bodies are our greatest teacher, they always reflect the truth, they do not judge and they never walk away.
I did giggle a bit at your last comment, Alison, talking about our bodies never walking away. It flags up the utter futility and madness of our attempts to ignore, override and dismiss what our bodies do tell us; our attempts to ‘walk away’ from our bodies, when it is they that take every step with us.
“The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told…” this certainly works for me Matilda, thank you for the reminder, and now I know that if I continue to be my own best example the reflection will be felt by others by me just being me.
Accepting that we’re awesome is something no one has learned or has been reflected from the day we were born. Yet, we are! It takes a lot of self-care and self-love to come back and feel that this awesomeness is actually within us all. Self-care is in all the daily choices we make or a lack of self-care. It is in the end that simple. Every choice we make is either self-caring or not. It’s up to us to come back to the awareness to be able to discern the choices that we make.
I am working in community nursing at the moment and the opening statements in this blog about not being able to care for others if we don’t care for ourselves spoke loudly to me. If we don’t care for ourselves, we will not be able to care for ourselves! So many illness and disease are related to lifestyle and disregard for the amazing vehicles that are our bodies. Diabetes is a case in point. I am shocked by the insidious effects of this disease and how simple self care and self appreciation could prevent Type 2 Diabetes in many many many cases. Humanity is far from ok when we look at the rate of illness and disease rising and rising in our communities.
There is not an ounce of self care in giving our power away to others – in putting another’s needs ahead of our own tender Love and Care. We need not kid ourselves otherwise for we are running on empty and giving naught of truth to another.
It surely is the simple things that make a difference in the bigger picture. A genuine, loving approach to myself is the most important foundation for whatever is to come next. If I cut corners or am ungracious to me and my care then that is what is running through my body and I’m passing onto others. There is a responsibility to this basic understating of how energy works, a responsibility very well worth choosing with a gentle loving awareness.
So true Matilda it is about walking the talk and inspiring others. This is the simplicity of inspirations, live it and your reflection inspires.
I love how much we can feel and learn in performing simple daily tasks as described in this blog. When we choose we can consciously bring awareness to the quality of movement in all that we do each day – still a work in progress for me but discovering that my tenderness can be present in anything I do has been something I value deeply.
You make some great points here Matilda and it is so true that how on earth can we take care of others if the focus is not first on ourself. I am known for walking the talk as you say and it has come from making a strong commitment to life in every area but with no need for perfection. Out goes all the trying to be something I am not and in comes the RESPONSIBILITY that what I choose to do will have an impact on not just me and my body but everyone. I have come to realise that just by me being who I am and LIVING in a way that I know taking deep care of myself this has a knock on effect.
I am living proof of what this blog is saying and it comes from the teachings of Serge Benhayon.
I love that Bina, that we are the living proof that in living a way of true responsibility the effects are there for all to see, like a living book to read. We directly reflect this way of living to all we interact with, all others on an energetic level and the imprint we leave behind as a way lived will remain as a living truth eternally.
Thank you for sharing this Matilda. Self care has now become so fundamental to the way I live, and what I define as caring for myself is being redefined on an almost daily basis. My ability to then care for others and to know what true care is, has been directly proportional to the development of my own self care.
I love your last line Matilda. I know what you mean about the walk doing a lot of the talking…observing someones movements can be profound and even life-changing.
This is really inspiring thank you, it just shows how self care can be taken and built with the little everyday things we do like brushing our teeth, putting on cream or placing our hand on a handle to open a door. I really got from what you shared how this helps us to build a more intimate relationship with ourselves. The concept of self care was not even on my radar until I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, there were things or ‘routines’ that I had in my life that I thought were loving but Serge helped me have a far greater awareness of this and what self care actually was. After feeling this it turns out that most of what I was doing that I ‘thought’ was caring actually wasn’t!!!
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” such a great point to make as it is the opposite of the way many of us believe life to be. Yet it makes total sense, if we don’t lovingly take care of ourselves then how can we possibly naturally lovingly take care of another?
We live and our brought up in a way to care for others first but not from our own true self care and it has become clear to me that I did not really know what this was until Serge Benhayon came along and introduced this from his own care and love and from that for everyone. His own reflection is the true inspiration and loving way to live with our selves our family and the world all equally and consistently evolving with this. Truly loving ourselves allows love in the world to be expressed and seen.
‘putting the children first’ its a funny term because when we really stop to consider how our children learn from us, its always by example and rarely why what we say or by making their needs more important than ours. When we focus on the quality of love, care and respect we give to ourselves, we naturally put our children first, for they our most immediate auidence and will absorb everything we do.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” BooYaa! Its true .. what has supported me to build a rock solid foundation is just to focus on the one quality that I know I have or potentially can live more of. I let my body guide me to what this is.. This will be my appreciation point to come back to when I need the support of reconnection back to my body. It statutes a foundation by keeping it simple about reconnection and keeps the mind clear of chatter that is going on within because of the without to keep you focused and present on the task ahead of you. How then I express that quality comes deep within what, that means and is needed from me at the time. It opens to more qualities to embrace that one quality chosen from the moment and day. All is all just from one simple reminder and focus.
I’ve seen mothering energy misused by women even without children, myself included. We can ‘mother’ partners, relatives, friends and colleagues. I particularly see it in the nonprofit sector – women endlessly giving of themselves to the organisation, its clients and the cause, and often to the extreme detriment of their health. It seems we find it hard to love ourselves first; to hold ourselves dearest in life.
When we are exhausted we are similarly affected to being moderately drunk. Is that why many of us choose exhaustion even when we don’t have to?
Self care as you have mention Matilda Bathurst is considered a taboo subject in this day and age as we are so driven into helping others and putting ourselves last “thinking’ this is the way to be. The being “good, kind and considerate: to other peoples’ needs often leaves little room for self care. Thanks to the work and Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have become aware of the importance of giving permission to bring self-care to my body first which then provides a solid foundation to bring even more to others.
It’s so interesting to feel how we begin to shut down to the natural communication from our bodies through not understanding and paying attention to self-care and equally inspiring to make new choices to reconnect to our bodies.
We really can make great change just by the simplest of things and being present during those things as you have so beautifully shared Matilda. Feeling someone else’s living way through their doing of it, inspires others to do likewise as they get to feel the results of that choice through us.
I remember at school one of the ultimate insults was to be called a martyr. It would be used to cut another girl down and publicly humiliate her. It was the beginning of being tough, shutting down and disconnecting, it was not cool to be seen as doing anything helpful. In truth this attitude was so far from how we truly are. Any caring nature was quickly stomped on and hidden away for survival.
Leading by example is the only way to inspire change.
‘The resentment of martyrdom’. Putting others before yourself is not a gesture of love, how can it be when it is seeded from a place of self abandonment?
And how can it be when, having not taken responsibility for our own needs (irresponsibility and self-abandonment), it is done with a need for recognition and affirmation from someone else.
I can so relate to this blog Matilda. I used to never know exactly how long it would take me to get ready to leave the house to go anywhere and this caused enormous anxiety. Now I know exactly how long it takes and I get ready enjoying every moment being with me and never rushing or stressed like was my usual pattern and my anxiety level is gone down to zilch.
This is amazing how reflection works. When pupils so much are aligning to the self care teachers present to them what a transformation in schools can happen if all teachers would take selfcare.
I have spent a lifetime looking after others; children, mother, mother and father in law, friends and anyone else, without looking after me. Writing this now makes it sound so crazy, and as I learn how lovely it is to look after ourselves, the more I am giving myself the space to do it. Thank you Matilda for your writing from a place of your own self care.
Yes, Linda, and there are so many opportunities in every day to give this attention to the impact of the way we do things. When I stuff up and wrench my shoulder lifting something, for example, there is a moment to review and be honest about my absenteeism from self, and then, before I go into a spiral of self-retribution, open up to the opportunity in the next moment to re-instate self-respect and care.
So simple yet so profound… Walking the talk we have always known is the way and yet when it comes to self-care we’ve bastardised the concept, twisted the truth and made it ‘selfish’. In doing so we’ve set ourselves up to not surrender to who we truly are.
Recently somebody called me egoistic and selfish. For the first time I could feel that I’m not. Even though I might have moments where I’m acting (!!) like that, this doesn’t mean that I am selfish. I am clearly not! The grown self-love, self-care and appreciation for myself have build a foundation on which I could feel for myself that this wasn’t true. That I’m in fact very caring and loving. To accept that for myself has been quite something, but I can say now that selfcare and selflove are the opposite of selfishness. Those are necessary ingredients to be able to bring the best of ourselves in everything that we do.
We cannot change another, however another may change by virtue of being inspired by the changes that we have instigated and adopted in our lives. One would hope of course that the inspiration is of choices that are supportive rather than unsupportive ones!
Matilda, I love your wording here: “if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” – this is so true. In a society where self care is not prioritised and it is seen as heroic to care for others over and above ourselves first, there is a huge build up of illness and disease from such disregard towards self OR as you have so well shared, from an implosion of resentment at how we have neglected ourselves. It is time to take stock of this, and begin to make changes, incrementally so, so that we can gradually but consistently turn around the huge oil tanker and head towards a more supportive direction than where we are currently headed towards.
Its strange the amount of focus that we can put into trying to care for others without first caring for ourselves first. Taking real responsibility for the way we live, including self care, leads us to live a life where every movement is considered in how it affects all around us.
We live in a world where self abuse is commonplace and true self care a rarity.
That is my experience, too. The question is why is self abuse commonplace?
“I took one thing I did in my everyday that I could identify as taking care of myself.” What a beautiful way to build our self care, piece by piece so that we can un-pick the learnt behaviours of putting self last and restore our real sense of care both within ourselves and for other people. I know that the more I have done this for myself, the more I naturally care for other people in the same way. Taking time to nurture my own self care has without a doubt expanded my ability to care for everyone.
Learning to self-care has been huge for me. I used to always put others first and disregard myself and often wondered why I got grumpy so easily. I was actually exhausted and thought that was normal. Embracing self care has supported me on many levels and I no longer feel exhausted but vital and energised.
I know for me as a parent there is nothing more powerful than walking your talk. Children sniff hypocrisy out a mile off and rather than telling them to do this and that I have also discovered that if I simply live in a way that is more self-caring, they get a great daily reflection of what that looks like which is a great example and gift for them to have. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children as parents I would say.
It is very important for us to take care of ourselves. This then allows us to take care of others and, after some time, we may start taking care of ourselves in such a way that we can even more take care of others.
It is harmful to say “right” things that are not true. Meaning talking the talk without walking or living it makes it not a living truth but just knowledge and blah. This is harmful because it turns others off the truth and we fool ourselves that we are living what we are not. Better to be clearly in a mess than pretend we are not when we are. The other side also applies in that when we truly walk the talk it is very inspiring and healing.
A very potent and poignant paragraph Matilda – ‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility. And again, nowhere perhaps is this more keenly felt than in parenthood, which is the foundation upon which our children grow. If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.’
What a great experiment… ” taking the mundane things, like brushing my teeth, putting cream on, getting dressed, boiling the kettle, cooking etc”… and using each one of these everyday activities to bring amount a ‘stop’ moment, a pause that bring awareness of you and your body in the motion of doing these tasks… which simply is re-connecting you back with your body. This is like the first ‘self-care domino’ to fall!
Yes, it is very joyful when it happens!
I know this is such a great idea. So often when we realise we need to change how we are living, we look to making big changes, or for something special or unique to add to our life, or that we have to do things completely differently, but actually powerful real change can come from the simple mundane every day things that we already do and just bringing more focus, more attention, more awareness and more depth of care and tenderness to them.
We cannot expect our children to listen to us when we say one thing then do another. It is no different how we are with everybody, although somehow we think it should be and that it’s ok to behave one way with one person and another way with another. What everyone needs in their lives is a reflection that is consistent – it supports everyone without exception.
I like your approach of doing just one thing – sometimes we can resolve to ‘improve’ with a whole list of things to do and end up overwhelmed and doing none of them. Choosing something simple to pay full attention to is a great way to build consistency in our lives, which has a knock-on effect throughout.
When we stop and consider the Responsibility of our own lives and that we are the ones that create it then it makes sense to consider everything that we say and do. When we focus on looking after ourselves we naturally feel in good spirits because we can feel the ripple effect of doing so in our bodies.
Even something as simple as food shopping can be a opportunity for reflection – at a time where we might shut off and buy what we wish, do we consider that what we put in our basket and in turn on the check out is a reflection to everyone else?
So much of our life we have come to see as purely a functional matter of A-B, yet what your words show so beautifully Matilda is every facet and moment offers us an opportunity. To embrace the richness of life, to revel in the subtle beauty of being and feeling alive, to drink it all in like the greatest tonic you can find, to expand out and encapsulate everything like the most stunning sunset. all of this is available right here right now, to you and me, should we choose just to connect and align to the truth.
Walking and moving in the connection to myself as a woman, feeling that there is more to the relationship to be honoured and nurtured, I offer myself the same awareness as I would attentively offer a child. This has deepened the responsibility to self care, and the joy of being with me is fun.
The ideal that putting ourselves first is selfish is an ideal that keeps many people living in disregard by not taking true care of themselves but there is a focus on caring for others. When we think about it, it makes absolute sense, to care for another that level of care needs to be for ourselves first of all otherwise it is not true care but one based on need or recognition.
For me, self care can only become selfish when we don’t take the care we have established with ourselves, out to the world.
After nearly 6 years and having made many changes in the choices I make, to the point that my life is totally different it is only now that I have realised the responsibility in feeling this in every choice and movement – a choice which becomes a way of living.
I have noticed many small and not so small changes in my family and the way they are and do things since I have been developing and deepening my own self care. This did not happen until I stopped focusing on them and what they needed and began to value and care for myself. They admitted that this has been a huge relief for them as they have been given space to be free to be themselves. We are now inspiring each other.
Matilda, I love coming back to this article and the simplicity and beauty that you are sharing, ‘is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task? I have found myself checking this and experimenting and found that I can move so gracefully if I choose to, it feels very beautiful and changes what could be a mundane task into a lovely moment of feeling my gorgeousness and enjoying the task.
Caring for others without being able to care for myself is like wanting to hold a presentation in Chinese whilst not knowing a single Chinese word.
And this is a real eye-opener isn’t it – “So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” What a revolutionary impulse for many I’d say to accept this and to ponder upon it. Yet in reflection it is just so, because putting others first with maybe an expectation that then others will put us first and take care of us, where is the responsibility in that, also when we have not taken care of ourselves, what level of care are we able to bring to another.
An awesome blog Matilda – and I will be doing this too: ‘As an experiment and moment of self-study, I tried this exercise: I took one thing I did in my everyday that I could identify as taking care of myself.” I did already start on it yet found myself being distracted quite quickly with ‘thoughts’ that ‘just pop in’. So reading your sharing here gives a great strategy to hone my awareness and keep track on what difference it will make. Thank you.
Beautiful, Karina. I keep having to renew my attention, as it were, because there are so many habitual distractions that want to interfere. What I can no longer deny, is the fact that attention to detail and taking care does have a huge impact on the bigger picture.
Oh and by the way, reading these blogs, hearing stories like this, is also a gigantic part of the inspiration that supports me. I have learnt so much and been given so many brilliant tips. Thank you to all those who have written on this web-site; a gold mine for life.
I just arrived last night in yet another hotel – my job is currently whisking me all over the place – and was marvelling at the super simple steps that I now have in place to really look after myself and maintain a rhythm independent of wherever I may be laying my head. These life skills (and they truly are life skills) have all been inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and there is no way in the world that I could do what I do, have the work load that I have, without having these simple foundations.
Self-care is a world to discover that is cloud by two images: selfish and serving (‘putting the others first’)
It is interesting how the little things you put in place Matilda have filtered down to the children without you having to say anything. This does go to show how much they watch and feel the adults in their lives – maybe we could learn a lesson or two from the younger generation.
I can remember the day when I met my current husband and his friends and what struck me most was the way they were taking care of themselves and that this was a major focus in their lives, which was in stark contrast to where I was at the time. Lived examples are so much more powerful than words, its as if our bodies speak to each other on very subliminal levels and take on board the lesson much sooner than we do intellectually and emotionally. I have found that the more I am around people who really take care of themselves, the more my body impulses me to deepen my own self care.
A beautifully simple lesson for us all, Matilda, of how easy it is to make changes in the way we look after ourselves and what an inspiration it is to everybody when we show true care, as it is intrinsically there within us all and we just need reminding sometimes.
What great blog on self care! It is taking the time to observe the detail in what movement and action we do things that brings enormous awareness and connection to our physical body. And in these moments we are bringing deeply true care… self love and regard… to ourselves that can not ever be substituted by anything else.
Indeed Matilda, the walk does the talking and that is something I feel is important to remember as everything I do or think can be felt or seen by others and may inspire or give them permission to do or try the same. Therefore I feel the responsibility to live my light and loveliness as that is what I want to share with everybody in the world for them to also discover and experience that same loveliness in themselves.
A great reminder Matilda to “walk the talk” . I love the way you have chosen certain simple everyday things to spend a little more time on, and how you noticed the difference this made in your life. This is confirmation of the Teachings of Serge Benhayon and how they can change our lives!
I asked myself, “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” This is truly brilliant and so healing.
After reading this article I recognize that I could be taking greater care of myself in certain areas
“There is one super simple point which is played out all too frequently: if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” This says it all.
Keeping it simple and really living what you feel is true can at sometimes be challenging but when we really let go and surrender to our bodies, what they are telling us and let our heart guide us in movement then we have marker in the body that is worth Gold. The more we choose this and the more we appreciate these choices then we naturally with our trying are walking our talk. No big deal but really massive at he same time.
Feeling the tenderness in my touch is a constant reminder of who I truly am and the grace and divinity I am here to share in everything and with everyone.
Self care is a forever deepening relationship for me, it’s something I had abandoned for quite a long time, I feel, and the baby steps I’m making have blown me away in terms of the profound effect they have on my body and the changes that brings in terms of the quality of my every movement.
I totally agree, Alison. All those things I thought were an indulgence that I didn’t have time for, are the very things (I now realise) that actually develop space and a foundation of health in my life: the attention I give to the words as I type, checking in with how I am breathing and the ever important feeling in my hand when I open a door…
Wow Matilda this is a brilliant sharing, “not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” so much to ponder on and bring back true self care in the world by reflection this is beautiful.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ So true – ignoring our own impulses to take care of ourselves is irresponsibility.
Self care for me is an ongoing development…the more I support and care for me, the more energy and opens I have towards others and life.
Self Care = Responsibility.
This blog brings back the meaning of self care and as you started with, Matilda ‘The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.’ It is also commonly spoken about with a lack of what it really is about, which is a responsibility, a responsibility to ourselves which naturally becomes by default a responsibility towards others. Self’- care is a vast subject and can mean many different things to people. But the key to self care is a deep consideration to self, in looking after our wellbeing on all levels, it is self respect. If we are cared for by ourselves, then we have more to offer others and be in life. As not caring for self is draining, tiring, resentful, can chip away at our self value and worth which affects how we are with ourselves and others.
And just as we can turn around our attitude towards self care, so too am I exploring my attitude towards responsibility, seeing it more and more as a gateway and blessing, rather than a burden.
Listening to ourselves means to learn what listening to ourselves actually means. Many people say that the choices that they’re making are coming from themselves. The truth is that truly care for ourselves means to become aware of the importance of our body in truly listening to ourselves.
“…when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” This is such an amazing reflection Matilda. I wonder how much each of us do this in our lives, project onto others, rather than take care of ourselves and offer this self care as a reflection.
I love this because it shows we do not need to make ‘extra time’ for self care. The space is already there for us to deepen our relationship with ourselves in all we do.
Yes and that is the key isn’t it, that we are already self-caring in all we do when we are truly connected to ourselves and present to what is needed,
Self-care is a new understanding in self-care! In a Christian society we are led to believe that we must put ourselves last and everyone else before us, but this only leads to obligation and, from my observations, resentment. It could be said that it is selfish to not self-care first! By putting self-care at the top of the agenda we have ‘time, space and all of us’ to be with the people we are supporting in the fullness of who we are!
Lovely expression Rachel, and so true, especially your closing sentence – “by putting self-care at the top of the agenda we have ‘time, space and all of us’ to be with the people we are supporting in the fullness of who we are!”
I love your experiment with self-care Matilda, because if we don’t keep observing and consistently deepening we are not evolving and everything soon becomes merely functional.
Functioning without finding out the facts is simply fiction.
I have been following a similar programme. When I move with awareness and touch stair rails and door handles gently, I feel glorious. When I don’t, It’s as if I’ve left myself behind, missed a movement rather than staying present with it. Too many missed movements and we’re left with an empty day and takes the magic out of life.
Matilda, I love your experiment with movement and connection. You show us that self care is a continuous movement, can be deepened and is best embodied, rather than it being a mere function.
Thank you, Kehinde. I know that until I establish something into my lived experience it is just something stored in my head. And actually as I practise being aware of how my hands feel when I open a door, pick up something, type, there is a whole other level of insight, into the impact of how we live, available to explore.
” …if we do not care of ourselves we are not in a position to care for others”
This is a very important point because most of us think mainly to care for others in many areas, like in motherhood, in work, in relationship etc. What comes out of this is exhaution, sleeplessness, nervousness, backpain etc. Selfcare is important to support our health and our relationships.
Part of the reason why I cared for others was because I held pictures about what a spiritually advanced person I was to do ‘selfless acts of kindness’. I look back now and see how empty I was and how empty my so called acts of kindness were. Well they weren’t quite empty because they were actually full of the type of energy that keeps us away from truth and love.
I found that after a lifetime of trying to help my dad find the will to look after himself (to no avail) what inspired him to do something different was when I truly began to take care of myself. He saw how every part of my life had come up and was inspired to work on himself from the inside out too.
I have spoken to so many women who understand the intellectual concept of looking after themselves but they only do it because if they don’t they won’t be able to look after the family – the missing ingredient here is a deep appreciation of who we are what we bring and the authority that is needed to call out some of the difficulties and complex issues that our families are grappling with.
Most of my life I have held the belief that it is a desirable trait to put others first. Yet doesn’t even make sense to put one person first or second. I am understanding more and more that care is something that needs to be applied every moment of my life for a harmonious flow. If I am uncaring towards others then it profoundly affects me, and if I don’t deeply take care of myself the quality of care I can offer another suffers dramatically. And a great extra insight in this blog that when we take care of ourselves others are inspired to do it for themselves. Now – inspiring another to be responsible for their own deep care of themselves – that I call true care and support.
At one level, society has become very self indulgent about making things about us as an individual at the expense of others, on another level we can judge ourselves about putting our self first in terms of self care.
This is inspiring me to pay more attention to the seemingly mundane tasks in my day.
I really appreciate your experiment Matilda and the profound level of awareness it brings. It is a great marker to determine your level of care and love for yourself by the consistent approach to one or two activities each day. An experience you deserve by having fun with just how much love you can actually pour out, or better written, pour back in-to yourself.
Gorgeous Rik. I love the concept of pouring our own love back into ourselves.
I really appreciate the way Matilda observed herself without judgement too. Super inspiring.
Teaching through reflection and inspiration, I love this Matilda.
What is beautiful with self care is that what was loving and supportive one day is no longer loving the next day and so we need to deepen the relationship we have with ourselves and feel the areas where our level of self care is not quite up to scratch.
“The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told.” And therein lies the answer to our all our social issues, because as children what we see taking place around us forms an un-spoken but very strong education in life. The power of truly taking care of ourselves goes way beyond our own lives and whether we have children or not, we are all living examples that shape their world. How would our children grow up if the only examples they saw in the adults that surround their lives were ones rich in self care, self respect, honesty and appreciation, what kind of a generation would we raise?
It has taken me a long time to break myself from the lack of responsibility from a lifetime of ill choices and not even knowing what self-care was. It is still a work in progress coming back to myself with taking responsibility for myself. Care in every aspect of my life is the best choice I have made this lifetime
There is one person always around with whom we can learn to be loving – every minute of every day. Ourselves. We can at the same time learn it with others but the largest number of opportunities to learn and to practice is with ourselves.
It is great to have such an engaging blog about Self-Care, as it is turning out that Self Care if the very first step towards not only the healing of ourselves but the healing of our whole society, and thus the whole world and the damage that we have inflicted as a race on nature. The run-on effect will reach everywhere.
‘Walking the talk’ brings a sincerity to what is then expressed because it comes from our lived experience, from the knowing within our bodies which cannot be denied.
When I began consciously focusing on self care it was about little or big tasks I could do for myself which I previously didn’t. It’s now become more of a way of life, not a thing I “do”, I still have many areas to bring self care into but self care is something I am more and more aware of.
Love this line Matilda…”…we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I too have been inspired by the walk of many – simply the way they move speaks volumes before they even open their mouths to say anything.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’ – This highlights that fact that many are not aware of the level of abuse that has become a part of our everyday movements, thoughts and words. Simply putting ourselves in the position where we are required to rush and thus run into the corner of the bench, to over-ride this by still getting out the door on time which requires slamming the door behind us – loading the body with the tension from the outcome of all this, and then interacting with others from this place – very exposing and very much overlooked in the context of self care and taking responsibility for this.
‘The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.’ Self-indulgence or selfishness is purely a way of living that does not offer anything to others in terms of growth, development, love, or quality of life – but is instead focussed on self gain. Self-care however, is the opposite of all of these things – deepening a relationship with self in the absolute knowing this filters through into every interaction with others.
‘We often champion the idea that putting others before ourselves is something to aspire to, and perhaps there is nowhere that this is more pronounced than with mothers, who are applauded and celebrated when ‘putting the children first’ – when we do this we gradually ‘lose’ our selves, we’re allowing ourselves to be less, which makes us work even harder to please others, getting our sense of self worth from the praise and recognition from others. I can feel the disregard as I write this, but I know I have been a part of this myself and to some extent I still am.
I like the point you make that if we don’t start to care for ourselves then there will be a time where we won’t be able to care for others. This is so true- we can continue to deny looking after ourselves but there will then be a time when we are made too.
I am really coming to love the act of caring for myself and I can feel how this self care then emanates and translates into deepening care for those around me.
its beautiful to observe that when we self care and just do what we do without words, or discussion it can be inspirational for others. One 10 year old girl in my class observed everyday what I would eat for lunch…always healthy salads, soups, fish, lamb, veggies etc. (She loved her chips, rice and bread…) she said to me, ‘Miss Murtagh I am going to eat like you, your food always looks so good’ and for the rest of the week she changed what she put on her plate without any need of encouragement.
Wow Matilda, you make so many profound points and in this moment I am feeling that contrary to common beliefs about putting others first being applauded for it’s selflessness, it is in fact the exact opposite, being the height of selfishness and irresponsibility. It makes me think about how everything we do – what we eat, how we sleep and move is not just for ourselves but if it is with true care and honouring of our bodies it is then for the greater good of EVERYONE else as well as ourselves. Now that takes responsibility of self care to a whole other level.
We certainly do learn so much more from lived examples. It brings a huge smile to my face and body to feel the loving lived examples of the Practitioners and Students of Universal Medicine who are choosing to care for themselves in ways that are pretty much unprecedented in the cultures of people that I am familiar with. It has nothing to do with selfishness or individuality it is true honouring of the preciousness we are and is lived for everyone of us to feel this and claim it equally for ourselves. Truly glorious and delicious when we give our selves permission for the depths of our own uniqueness and beauty to emerge to share with All.
We know that others are worth full attention and care, yet we don’t hold ourselves in this same honouring. There is a self-righteousness and sense of ‘charity’ that comes with putting others ahead of ourselves.
We cannot expect to inspire anyone to make changes to their lives if we are not living in a way that reflects a way of living that comes from truth and love.
There are many individual and groups out there that profess to provide support on self-care however f they are not coming from that foundation themselves then the advice and support is empty and will not truly serve those to whom it is given.
At my work I’m supporting people to commit to life by finding (volunteering or paid) work. Depending on where they’re at. Yesterday I had this beautiful conversation with a woman where I heard myself say: “you’re to learn to say yes to you in more and more situations and life will teach you that, even if this means that you’re to say no several times”. When I listened to these words of wisdom I realised how important it is to truly listen to ourselves. Definitely part of self-care. How could it be otherwise? Other-wise? It can’t, because there’s only one Wisdom at any given moment, the Wisdom that shares the truth with us through our body – our (only and very precious) vehicle of expression.
It is amazing how so many people pick up on another’s habits!
My deepening relationship with self and humanity has increased immeasurably since I started to be at least gentle with myself. Gentleness had to come to me before I could start to be self-loving, self-caring, self-nurturing and tender with myself. Thank you Matilda and Serge Benhayon, for as I expand and learn the things in life that support me I never lose sight of the foundations I have set and in this case it is my gentleness first.
I find it so inspiring to hear men talking about being gentle and tender. The power of men reclaiming these natural qualities has an amazing impact… I feel so supported and invited to lay down my defensive strategies of old.
Just reading this made me want to bring a water bottle into my study. Thanks for the inspiration.
Sometimes I get inspired by those around me, by what they are doing in their life and the amazing work, and yet I often forget that the foundation upon which these people live is built on self care – It is this that is what I need to implement for myself to then build the activity upon it.
‘It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’’ Love how you have expressed this and a great reminder for me to go deeper with this truism.
The best way I have discovered recently, to care for myself at a deeper level, is to say no to things that I don’t really feel to do, and what honours me, instead of just going along with what others would like me to do to suit them. This is giving me a feeling of empowerment knowing that I am doing what is true for me, leaving feelings of selfishness behind me.
Yes, it is weird to think we can offer others something we don’t have ourselves. Love and Self-Care start within and then we have something true to offer and inspire.
A super important point Matilda that the most mundane, repetitive of tasks provide surprising opportunities to take care and get to know ourselves to a deeper level. I love your example “The way I open doors has been a big one.” Note to self – never discount the detail or the in between moments.
The grace of learning to self care lies in the neverending repitition that is offered to us by design of our solar system. We get given another and another and another chance to choose it again!
I love the truth that not taking care of ourselves is an “abdication of responsibility”. This puts self care right up there where it actually belongs rather than at the bottom of our “to do” lists if we have time!
In my experience, even when we do have time we often find something else to do as taking care of ourselves also means to feel what is going on at that moment and that may not be what we want at times.
“What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant.” By doing as you did, Matilda, you gave a true example for your children and for your students, and the proof of the pudding was in the way they responded, they began to take more care and responsibility for themselves. How important it is when we are bringing up our family to not ask them to do as we say, but to show them by example the way to do things. That way, they are actually making their own choices, much more pleasant for them than just doing what they are told. Beautiful. A wonderful understanding for me now, too, ready for my next time around. Unfortunately, I did not understand that when I was bringing up my children many years ago.
Matilda, I always used to think self care was selfish yet my experience has been the more I take care of myself the greater I can support and take care of another.
‘The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?’ After reading this, I am going to be super aware of how I open and close doors today, thank-you Matilda.
Our societies are saturated with the martyrdom of putting others first, especially in the way you describe for women Matilda. Much ‘value’ is placed and lauded upon those who deny themselves, often running their own bodies into the ground (with frequent deleterious consequence), in this false notion that somehow sacrificing ourselves for others is somehow ‘worthy’ or ‘good’.
You’ve deftly smashed this on the head in your blog here. Of what true use, and role model, are we – especially to our children (where this can be most apparently seen) – if we do not look after ourselves, and instead deny ourselves the care we all deserve?
We are worth so much more than any of this. And the proof is clearly in the pudding when witnessing such responses from the children around you as you do.
The suggestion you’ve made that perhaps taking care of others but not ourselves could be irresponsible completely goes against what’s been made the ‘norm’; self-care and the quality of how we look after US is always second class to looking after others and at the bottom of our priority list, and the consequence of this speaks for itself through the health of our society.
One simply could not put this more simply than you have done Matilda. ‘Walking our talk’ is the most true way of caring for others, period.
Self care for me is clocking the number of times I go into anxious thoughts – about anything that’s going on in my life. These thoughts affect me physically: my heart races and my body goes tense, so when I allow myself to change and focus on breathing gently, and feeling my body from head to toe, it changes and my body becomes more open, more spacious, and less tense, which has to be good for my health!
Put like that, Carmel, it is super clear – a no-brainer really. Calling a halt to detrimental patterns of behaviour that obviously have a physiological impact. Simply giving my body permission to surrender is an awesome feeling.
If we put our children before ourselves, what kind of example is that giving the children? That we should sell ourselves out for the sake of others? The best education and inspiration that we can give our children is to show a deep commitment to our own self-care.
I love re-reading this blog, there are always nuances that I hadn’t discovered before; what stood out for me today is when you write about opening a door and how the way you do it can either hurt you or feed you back care and tenderness. I hadn’t quite thought about it that way before but it makes total sense. With everything being energy first we receive back what we’ve put out.
“… if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others”. This can be such a painful reality for so many people. All our kind intentions to be there for other people get completely scuppered when we fail to include ourselves in the equation.
I agree Matilda without the quality of presence in the actions that we do for our own self-care, means there is a distinct lack of love and appreciation for what we really bring in life. And rather than building self love and self care the actions are empty and perfunctory.
And if the actions are empty and perfunctory, then so is the person carrying them out, which paints a pretty depressing picture of us all going through the motions and then calling it ‘life’
I love knowing that what goes on behind closed doors is there for all to feel. Our choices to truly self-care or not are felt by everyone. The more I realise this the more it inspires me to keep exploring where self-care can take us.
This is such a great point Matilda – the fact that you are a living example of self-care in your life as a parent and teacher, and in all other areas as well: ‘What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant’. You are a role model for self-care and this has am effect far more profound than any words or teaching, though these also help much if the teaching is lived.
When my children were little I would get them a drink if I felt thirsty and then forget to have one myself. Living our lives for others like this may appear to not be selfish but it is self-sacrificing and serves no-one, for eventually we get burnt out and we do not give others the opportunity to learn to take responsibility for themselves.
We are role models for our children and they observe everything we do and if we do not care for ourselves they copy that and so, by putting them first we are actually harming them not helping.
This is a big shift in the way I now parent. As my children get older it is easy to spot the areas that I have over-parented and left them without the skills to take care of themselves. It is never too late, but these observations leave me in no doubt that our habits of not walking a self-caring, responsible talk disable rather than enable our children.
Seeing another truly self caring, and the love that is felt from that, has a huge ripple effect that is infectious as you so beautifully share from you own living way of it Matilda. The inspiration is felt.
It is true that we lead by example, so why not set an absolutely Loving one – of us to the bone.
Reading this blog reminds me to appreciate just how far I have come in my ever deepening journey of returning to the truly loving and respecting the woman I am, starting with deeply loving and nurturing myself and my delicate qualities of tenderness and grace therefore providing a reflection of commitment of self-love to others.
There is no question what you share is true Matilda, and as a health practitioner I have learnt this the hard way. Burnout is the consequence of caring for others without truly caring for yourself first, and this is not perfunctory care as in eating right or exercising, as I was doing all that. The foundation of self care has to be self-love. Without self-love, we will not self-care in a way that nourishes the whole of us… and there is no foundation for truly caring for another if not.
I love the example of you placing a bottle of water on your desk and having regular sips of water, and noticing that soon your students had started to follow suit. What a perfect confirmation of the fact that everything about how we live is clocked and has profound impact on those around us.
One of our greatest problems as a humanity is that we do not self care, or self love. As such, we have no foundation to understand true love, which is why in essence the world is so void of it. We have no regard for ourselves, and as such, are incapable in many ways of having true regard for others, beyond the facade of being respectful and polite. And if the world has shown us one thing, it is that diplomacy, which is the global equivalent of having good manners, cannot even deliver peace, let alone true harmony.
Today a friend of mine supported me to see that self care is not something I can put second – it is something that is equally as important as the work I do because it is what supports me to do that work and have quality in what I do.
Matilda, you have given it all in a nutshell here: “So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility. And again, nowhere perhaps is this more keenly felt than in parenthood, which is the foundation upon which our children grow. If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances”. As a parent or carer, when we have so much on our plate, it might feel like the hardest thing to do to instigate greater and deeper self care practices, but herein lies the answers for us on so many levels, and the self care practices that we then instigate and adopt as a foundation for ourselves can then be truly felt by our children who are also more likely to adopt a self caring approach to life rather than learning from an example of no care or minimal care for self. There is much for us all to scrutinise and be honest about how we are actually living each and every day and if this is truly supportive and caring of self and others.
We seem to champion the fact that we put others before ourselves, something to be proud of and as being ‘selfless’. The fact is we do make our self ‘less’ when we don’t self care, as we are not honouring the amazingness that we are.
I love this – a call to honour our awareness of the care we can support ourselves with and in turn others, such is our responsibility.
‘We learn so much more by example rather than by being told’ – This is so true Matilda, and emphasises the importance of responsibility and role modelling through how we live rather than advising others on how they should live without anything to back what we’re saying.
We are a humanity plagued by our penchant to champion martyrdom. – ‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.’
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’ I do not feel it is ‘maybe ‘ I feel that yes it is our responsibility to take care of our self first as only then is our quality of care such that it truly supports and nurtures another. To not take care of our self first is very selfish so it is actually the opposite to how many of us have been brought up.
It seems to me that building a strong body of evidence in oneself as you have done with your experiment Matilda sets you up with a beautiful foundation to care deeply and easily for others because it is so strong within yourself first.
Your words on brushing your teeth struck a real chord with me. I have had some mornings where I have brushed my teeth…and then…five minutes later, gone back to brush them again. NOT because I’m very attentive in my dental care, but because I had completely forgotten that I had done it the first time!! Seriously. What does that say about how the rest of my day is going to go?! Don’t need to be Einstein to work that one out. Contrast that with really committing to being fully present with myself in these regular rituals and the way the day then plays out is so utterly different. It’s amazing – and amazing that it is this simple, that the tools are so accessible and the moves so easy. Walk the talk. Great blog Matilda. Thank you.
When you observe and look from a distance at how we as humanity are mostly living it is interesting to observe that it is so normal to ignore our body, what we feel in it and not deeply care for ourselves whilst it is our body that makes us able to do everything we do in life. Imagine deeply caring for ourselves… we would be able to work so much more efficiently than we do now with the rates of illness and disease going through the roof and exhaustion being the new normal.
I am blown away by your example of taking care of yourself by drinking water – amazing how much of an impact a simple act of self care can have.
A great way to truly understand how selfish not looking after ourselves is. taking the time to get to know our bodies and listening to them is taking responsibility and bodies can be very mysterious things with symptoms popping up all over the place, so it is not always easy when you start to be multi symptomatic to look at the root cause.
So powerful.. leading by example that is.
As I have responded to bringing more self care to myself, I am able to be honest about what I created for myself for many years through the self-abuse in the lack of self care – the resentment of martyrdom is very controlling and damaging to the body and everyone around and without doubt this fuels illness and disease if not exposed and dealt with. Thank God for the Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon, as from this, the opportunity and awareness for change and self-salvation has been offered and my life has changed beyond measure.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom”.
‘The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish’- this is so true and the level of manipulation that is played out in society via the rewards, recognition, pay bonuses and publicily honouring people willing to live in disregard and overdrive are prolific. Re-connecting to who we are and bringing the love and gentleness to our movements and way of life will reflect a change that needs to be lived in the world – people do notice when we hold our bodies in awareness, when we move our bodies with awareness and we respond to the demands placed on us with the loving awareness that we do truly matter.
Matilda, you talk about self care and parenthood and that brings me to the question of Nature or Nurture because when I look at my own family, I can see patterns that have passed through two generations. My mother lived to 94, but she was already 90 when the doctor advised that perhaps it was time she stopped organising jumble sales for her local church! She was active and exhausted, but it gave her a sense of purpose. Me? I was always on one committee or another, dedicating every spare moment to the work, which I found fulfilling, with the result that I was totally identified by everything I do and didn’t simply appreciate myself enough for the qualities I have being me. Our children will either copy or do the opposite, but either way, the way we live has a direct effect on them, so presenting a good role model for self care now may mean that our children and grandchildren will not live the exhausting lives that we did.
Your sharing inspires me to observe with dedication and expose where I am avoiding the responsibility instead of reacting to see where I let myself oversee things because I was not in concsious presence.
A beautiful reflection and sharing Matilda I love it .” In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level. ” The reflection we offer to others can be very profound and an amazing gift for everyone when we truly self care in all the little things and live the love we are in our lives so simply.
“We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” Such a lovely light-hearted but yet so insightful statement expressing how we take more care of others than ourselves and which is detrimental to ourselves.
‘In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level.’ This is gold – repetitive tasks not boring or mundane but an extraordinary opportunity to get to know ourselves on a whole new level – I’m in! I’m going to try your week long experiment and report back! 🙂
The moment we care less for ourselves our ability to care for others is immediately diminished, subtly so in the beginning but more and more strongly as we care less and less for ourselves.
Without self care, self harm is guaranteed.
Martyrdom, the strange mix of resenting others for not helping and yet not wanting others to help, so that you can indulge in resenting them!
Needle point exposure of the martyrdom I knew only too well: refusing help, then making a lot of noise (weary sighs) about everything I was doing. It never ceases to amaze me how powerful it is to simply be as honest as I can be with myself – then I have a real circumstance to deal with, rather than a smokescreen and facade.
’…if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’ – Exactly, everyone needs to put on their own oxygen mask first BEFORE they attend to anyone else, including their own children and infants. How often have we all heard this, and how often do we choose the complete opposite in our day to day living?
There is nothing more obvious and disappointing than someone who does not walk their talk but then wants you, often demands, that you walk it. They will have all the reasons in the world for not walking it if challenged, as if they have convinced themselves that they actually are. I am continually inspired by Serge Benhayon and his family who walk nothing but their talk in a very humble and truth-filled way, living every aspect of what they present, but not expecting you to do the same, unless of course, you choose to
The days of the authoritarian teaching of, ‘do as I say and not as I do’ has always inspired me to experience it my self, in my youth. But walk the talk requires little words, just livingness.
Putting the children first is certainly a big one, that inevitably results in resentment (not often admitted) from a body that has been starved of self-care and love.
“…if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others…” This has become fundamental to my understanding of the importance of self care. As I have deepened my self care, so has my ability to care for others deepened.
Its simple. If you cannot respect yourself you cannot respect another. It is simply not in you to do so.
I guess when that martyrdom takes place it is often done from a belief that there is no other way, that to love a child is to place it first. Of course it doesn’t mean neglecting another to care for ourselves, just what you share here Matilda, that we can easily start to build foundations of self love, starting with the tiniest of things like how we move, how we lift objects, the attention we bring to each task we do. I can think of nothing more beautiful for a child than to feel their carer moving with gentleness. I would believe it is the type of love every child craves.
I love the whole idea of responsibility that you have brought up here Matilda in relation to self-care: ‘If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.’ When illness or ‘drama’ comes into our lives we can tend to point the finger of blame to all around us, little realising that we ourselves have always had the power to choose otherwise.
What a fantastic question to ask…”Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it?…” Yes… there is so much more to it, to these moments, as it offers an opportunity to really observe in more detail those self care ‘tasks’ and discover in that moment of ‘doing’ them, is an opening that expands the connection one has with their body. And this body absolutely overspills with any opportunity to love you right back unconditionally to the core… Self love is then discovered.
Very inspired to really observe the level of care I do things in; to feel and appreciate a way of living that feeds you back; and that isn’t relentlessly depleting.
I grew up with the notion that caring meant sacrifice and a ‘good’ person always puts others first in front of them. I observed my female role models put themselves last. It was little things like getting the smaller or dodgy serving at dinner that I noticed and the martyrdom and resentment that went with it. Role models as you say are how we really learn. People can tell us to care for ourselves but if they don’t do it, their actions tell us its socially not ok.
I have been developing my self-care for a decade or so now. The obvious feelings of guilt at listening to my body are well gone but I can still see threads of this thinking at times, usually when I know it wont go down well with others. I may not go into the disregard but the tension of not behaving as expected is strong. I feel this thinking is very common in society, as boys and girls learn to suppress how they really feel and what they need in order to fit into their family or social environment. This then repeats with each generation if we don’t put a stop to it.
Standing true alongside social and/or familial expectations does take some getting used to! Supporting our children to do this will start to break the entrenched patterns.
As a mum I certainly reached the point where I was still functioning but only just! I had disregarded and abused my body with things like lack of sleep, no exercise, not expressing myself, eating foods that my body was rejecting and not eating foods it was craving. Worst of all the drains on my energy was the constant looking outside myself to see what I could do for others and zero focus within me. Looking back I appeared to be doing all the things that a mum should do but there was no ‘real me’ in it – I was exhausted, emotional, overweight and undernourished. Luckily my body finally said ‘no more’ and I had to stop this crazy way of living.
Huge appreciation to you for making this shift, Fiona. Particularly in a world that champions all the things you were doing before. Martyrdom gets us prized acknowledgement in the world today, so it does take a determined and loving shift to say no to this and build a sustainable relationship with ourselves that has our own self care as part of its foundation.
“we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. Absolutely Matilda, seeing and feeling the level of care and attention that is there when you move and bring a truly loving quality to what you do, inspires so many and can have enormous ripple effects. Thanks for sharing your beautiful walk with us.
Feeding myself back respect, care and tenderness is huge. With each gesture towards myself I am confirming how I feel about myself. I am confirming my worthiness and value as I see it. This is vitally important. This is such a wise blog, thank you Mathilda. We learn so much more by example and we learn who we are by a lived experience. From this moment I will be renewing my awareness to exactly what I am feeding myself.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” That would not have been even a concept I could have grasped at a time when I was juggling children, a household, two businesses, an ageing parent that needed support. I was doing what I had to do, I would have said I was fully taking responsibility and probably would have got defensive at the suggestion I was being irresponsible. I now realise the responsibility I was taking away from others to fill myself up and to maintain a busyness, not loving in allowing others to be truly responsible and far from self loving.
There is always something so much more powerful when what someone says comes with the weight of lived experience.
Working in the health and social care sector you hear a lot of talking but not so much walking when it comes to being truly caring.
As with everything in life, situations can be seen and felt very differently by different people. Going to bed early is a gorgeous expression of self-love and care to one person, but it may come across as selfish or self indulgent to another. However, maybe there is a reaction hidden in there coming from a knowing that what has been chosen is indeed a beautiful choice and hurt is felt because it’s not a choice that the person makes for themselves. They get to feel the lack of love in their own choices.
‘The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.’ …. well said, Matilda, this is so true and confirmation of the fact that life isn’t currently ‘set up’ to support and encourage us to live in connection with our selves and each other. Rather, the opposite is true, we’re bombarded with information about how we ‘should’ be, how to be successful ….. which is all just a distraction, taking us away from our selves. We are already everything that we need to be, taking care of our selves is an important step in being able to live in the fullness of who we already are.
Yes taking care of ourselves is a natural responsibility rather than an indulgent selfishness. Wouldn’t the world be very different if we made just this simple shift?
I have spent many a time looking after others in the energy of martyrdom. This was rampant in me and when occasionally these days it rears its head I know it is a signal for me to have a look at if I have truly been self-honouring and self-nurturing. If I have in any way put myself in disregard then this energy has a hole in which it can come through and then anything that I do for another comes laced with that energy.
Distracted or present? It is a simple question for us to ask ourselves intermittently throughout the day. As I have been asking myself, I can see how I do not notice when I switch from distracted or present and it happens in a flash. Awareness of our behaviour deepens as we observe this, and once observed, it seems easier to maintain more continuity of present, not so distracted.
“The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.” This almost feels like a deliberate misnomer intended to dissuade people from actively looking after themselves. I used to put everyone else first and the only thing I really achieved was to totally exhaust myself and run my body into the ground. Self care is an essential in life, a duty that we have to our selves and to one another, this is how healthy societies grow, by people taking responsibility for the quality of our own health, putting Self Care at the top of our agenda is the best attitude we can ever have.
I love this because it makes the act of self-care simple, all it is is bringing loving focus for ourselves in the mundane things like opening a door, boiling a kettle, making dinner. It is the things we do every day, it’s not about perfection just changing ways in which we do things to bring in more love. Thank you for sharing it’s really inspiring.
Your jumper story – oh gosh, the number of times I have told the kids to do something when actually I should have been telling exactly the same to myself. True leadership is actually incredible simple. Walk the talk.
This is so true Mathilda, that ‘the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I was one of those mums who cared for everyone else before myself, my mother did that too and my daughter was doing it with her children until I started to take more care of myself. Gradually she also became more aware of when she was pushing herself to get things done and putting the children first and it feels as if we are working on this together even though she lives in a different country. Hopefully, our old way of dismissing ourselves won’t continue on into the next generation.
Mathilda, you are spot on when you say that, “not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” By doing this we eventually get sick or exhausted and may then need someone to look after us. We also give others permission not to take responsibility for themselves. If mum does everything for you, you do not develop the rhythm of caring for yourself.
Your last sentence jumped out at me, Sandra, because I definitely over-parented at the outset, so keen was I to take unwavering care of my kids. I have learnt that true care is often standing back and letting them learn skills and develop self-care for themselves.
Self-care brings a lightness to daily life that emanates through our bodies and has a magnetic pull that inspires others to equally self-care. It is like activating the Divine light through the quality of movements.
It is absolutely and quite plainly irresponsible to expect another to care for us or to love us. How so? Because it is us that is not bringing ourselves the love we demand of another which is crazy when truly thought about.
Matilda this is gorgeous – parenting by reflection first – this is a responsible way to raise a child and really makes me appreciate that the care i take for myself is what my kids will get as a reflection.
“There is one super simple point which is played out all too frequently: if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” I can vouch for the truth of this from experience. I have also noticed that in those situations there is a marked difference in my alertness, patience and wisdom depending on how well I have been taking care of myself.
It’s so true that we learn more and more easily by example rather than being told. Often when we are being told what to do we can react or rebel, we can switch off and just not listen.
This is just a wider moment of appreciation of all of the science that is on this website. The expressions, explanations, stories, lived reflections and inspirational offerings make up an incredible collection of living science. The website is a ‘bible’ for life.
I love the simplicity of the changes you made in your self care. So often change can be presented as complicated and we are inclined to give up before we truly begin. When we monitor our day to day livingness it feels beautiful to appreciate how much more loving and caring our life has become.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others” – or the care we have for others is just functional but not coming from a lived way of being.
How is it that so many of us grow up without a deep sense of care for ourselves?
No one can truly care for us other than our self.
Clocking what’s going on is a great way to bring change.. love your questions: Distracted, or present with myself? Thinking about a multitude of other things? Attentive to what I was doing right in that moment? Already focusing on what I was going to be doing next?
I also clock how my body feels and this tells me heaps about what is, or has been, going on.
I can remember being taught the things I needed to do to look after myself, like you had to go to the dentist. Then when I was old enough to leave home that was something I totally neglected. It wasn’t something that my parents did often going to the dentist and the process of really caring for our teeth was a glance over. A great example of practice what you teach because there is no back bone or inspiration when you present something that is not lived
‘imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.’ such a powerful phrase but haven’t we all done that at some point? It’s easier to do it ourselves than face the potential conflict situation by expressing what we truly feel, and tender self care is a great way to support ourselves and let go of festering negative emotions.
Matilda, I love this, ‘The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?’ After reading this article I felt inspired to really feel how I am doing simple tasks, I chose to be present and enjoy the grace of my hand and arm as I used soap to wash, this was very beautiful and I felt an elegance and loveliness and felt how amazing and joy-full it would be to move in this quality consistently, thank you for the inspiration.
Self-care, once it is re-discovered or in most cases for men discovered it even exists, brings a whole new aspect to our lives. The first thing is that our health improves, it is no magic pill just a side affect. We become more alive and present in our body and life in general just has a new fresh purpose. Words can not easily reflect this change, but our movements speak volumes.
It is so beautiful to bring back self care back to the simplicity of moving and movements. Thank you Matilda.
Thank you Matilda for a very inspiring article on self care and its effects on others. I feel impressed by reading your story to pay more attention to how I am with the supposedly mundane tasks of life and that how I live has a flow on effect to others, I love that the walk does a lot of talking.
“…not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” I absolutely agree with this comment. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and offer this as a reflection not only to our children but all around us.
This is an ongoing lesson of ‘self care’ and then walking that self care. It would seem in every moment, every step or breath there is something else to be aware of. I look forward to the ongoing lesson like this and appreciating all that comes with that, thank you.
I assume that part of the confusion or riddle around self-care relates to the fact that we have lost touch with what we, in the end, take care of, ie. what is that self that takes care of its self and what for? Self-care is one measure of stopping the abuse we have accepted that robs us of our true nature. It is initiating and forever deepening the restoration of our divinity lived as a human being in temporal life. How would we ever feel ashamed of caring for our glory, power, greatness that are never for ourselves but from our whole Self for everyone equally?!
It’s great what you’ve shared about how up-ing the quality of care in your relationship with your self has rubbed off on your kids… We spend a lot of time trying to drill into those we care about that they should make sure to look after themselves, but is it possible the most effective way to truly care for them is to care for ourselves first?
I have never really thought of that before, that if we are viewing self-care as selfish, then this is creating a barrier to us even considering self-care as an option. I am recognising the importance of deconstructing this falsity that self-care is selfish before suggesting to anyone to self-care because without this deconstruction the ideal will always be there lurking away in the background ready to sabotage any actions that have a pathway towards self-love.
’The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.’ – It is crazy how we have got this upside down, we are obsessed with paying attention to others or anything outside ourselves and great at ignoring our own needs. This is a distraction away from ourselves and our own well-being that is completely irresponsible.
The example of the jumper and water demonstrates how much we offer by way of reflection – just by doing what we do and being who we are. Yesterday I was at a conference and fully prepared for icy air conditioning had my jacket and a knee rug with me. One of the women at my table noticed (although they all surely did) and teased me gently about my ‘nanna rug’. But I know despite the gentle ribbing was a woman who was impressed by my attention to detail and love and care of myself.
You are spot on Matilda that “The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish.”
However, being self-full is not the same as being selfish. In selfishness we put ourselves as a focus, as if the world spins around us, and we have a ME ME Me approach whilst when we are “self full” we put others as well as ourselves as equal in importance, hence a WE WE WE approach (where WE are all one and the same and no one is left out).
Being a martyr and not caring for yourself by putting everyone else first, actually serves no other purpose than to cement our own emptiness, however, strangely this approach is so promoted in our society!
It is time for this to change and for us to care deeply for ourselves so that we can be there to support others too.
“we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” I love this expression. It is definitely my lived experience. Less talk and more walk makes for far less hypocrisy, judgement, separation and more love, honesty and connection
Thank you Matilda, you have highlighted something very important for us all whether you are a parent or not and that is that inspiring true change in others comes not from a telling or getting involved in others life but by a reflection of us walking our talk, this is a simple and powerful way of being.
The concept of self care for me used to be painting my toenails, having a hot bath and visiting the dentist every six months, but now I realise that self-care goes much deeper than that, and I am only just learning the extent of which self-care can take me, from appreciating my body and how it supports me, to not dismissing myself and disregarding my feelings, to not eating foods that are not right for me and going to bed and resting when I am tired. Yes, it does feel selfish at times, but without taking the responsibility of looking after me, then how can I truly care for others. Looking after me will then reflect to others that it is okay to apply self-care, as this builds the love in our body that emanates out for all to feel it in themselves. The consciousness of putting others first is very strong, and until we break it the world will not return to stillness, truth, harmony and joy which equals true love, for all.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” I love this and can confirm with a resounding yes, this is my experience too. It is as simple as that and it is deeply inspiring.
Leading by example is the most powerful way to teach or encourage anything. If we are not living it ourselves there is no reality for people to feel and respond to.
I have learnt so much from observing how different members of the Benhayon family live individually and as a family. The only issue I have, is that I do not have the same dedication to live the same way, otherwise I too would be an ascendant master.
We don’t really realise how much we disregard ourselves until we see and feel another who’s care runs deep. This is a beautiful way to learn from one another.
Talk without the walk is all just lies.
Thank you Matilda. The examples of self care and the ripple effect you gave here are absolutely astonishing. I am so inspired by what you share. I can feel that self care is not about ticking boxes but about clocking the quality that we bring to each movement.
I love it Matilda, such simple, down to earth common sense actually. We all know the saying ‘Do as I say and not as I do’ belongs to an era that just doesn’t work, and it never did in any true sense. If we don’t live what we say, then our words are empty of the inspiration needed to engage another in a true impulse to follow suit.
Talking of self-caring things Mathilda, I have found that walking is one of those areas if I focus on it can bring much healing. What is even cooler is that the way I walk and move about seems to govern and inform the quality and way in which I talk. This way of finding eloquence within a gentle step has given me a whole new way of looking at the phrase ‘walking the talk’. What way is it that we are walking? and are our words then even ours?
Talk with no walk to back it up is a vacuous offering and will only be taken up by those who are also talking with no walking. Those who are walking with their talking, will only listen to others who are also walking whilst they do their talking.
There is a relationship between the quality of care we bring to all our lives and how complete we are prepared to feel within ourselves. If we start something already feeling complete and bring that into the movement then we need never get attached to how something turns out and will always feel a wealth of care in the end result.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” Absolutely Matilda, if we know we have a responsibility to raise our children then to not take responsibility of our own care and self nurture first, is teaching the child everything that is opposite of what we actually wish for them in life.
True self care can be the most beautiful experience with yourself, and you get to know a whole other side of yourself that before you had no idea. There are so many different ways of self caring and any mundane job can be turned into the most enjoyable time when you stay with your body and feel how it is moving. It really is a win win to self care, as you obviously benefit, but so does everyone else in the process.
When a person truly self-cares it can be felt a mile away. Sometimes people react to this and think it is selfish, but this is because they are reacting to a reflection of something they haven’t done for themselves. Others are inspired by the act of self-love and then go on to choose this for themselves.
“In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level. The way I open doors has been a big one.” It would be easy to brush this level of care off as insignificant, but when experienced, felt and then repeated regularly the benefits can’t be ignored.
It is huge when we take care of ourselves and have our children follow suit, not because they have been told to but because they feel the difference in us.
Thanks, Matilda. I recently got a puppy, and the experience has reminded me of when I had young children and compromised my body in order to make sure they were ok. For example, coming home from a walk I will tend to the puppy’s food rather than making sure I have a drink of water first. These may seem like minor things, but I am learning at a deeper level now to listen to my body, and realising that it serves everyone if I do so.
I love your example of how you focus on opening a door in a quality that feeds you back. It has stayed with me Matilda and reminds me that it doesn’t matter what it is we are doing, the way we do it either feeds us back or drains us, the choice is ours.
“not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility”. This is a great observation, Matilda, and brings much greater depth of responsibility; perhaps true responsibility instead of what is generally accepted.
“…The concept of self-care is still riddled with the attitude of it being self-indulgent and selfish….” And simply self care is considered to be those activities of daily living, like personal hygiene, feeding or dressing yourself, brushing your hair, cleaning teeth, and any activities that is not self neglect. Yet all these activities, as simple as they are, offer many moments of ‘checking in’ and re-connection back with our body. These moments are a way of becoming familiar with the essence and quality of the space our body occupies, bringing self-awareness, self-appreciation and a huge potential of deeply caring for ourselves. Self Care… what a tonic this is for true health care.
Self-care is something growing up I thought of as being selfish and indulgent yet everyone gets to be with the quality I present to them. So if I am not looking after myself then they do not get a great quality. and conversely the more I look after myself the more quality I bring to all my interactions with others. And so self-care is fundamental to living a truly loving life.
It is so important to remember that we learn more by example than from what is being told to us. This to me means that the way we move through the day is shared with everybody as an example to copy or not. Being aware of this fact gives me a responsibility to life that I had not before and confirms to me that everything matters as we do not live as our isolated individual self but we are all interconnected and influence one another on many levels. That said it makes my choice in everything that I do to add to the misery that I see around me in society or do I give another reflection, a reflection of love instead.
I had no connection with my body until I started learning to truly care for myself so until then I did not realise just how disconnected and hard I was on myself and within my body. I now have an ever deepening connection with my body and a greater understanding of just how tender and sensitive I am.
Pushing through in disregard to take care of others when you read it like this sounds very unloving but when you have only ever known this and see that this is what others around you are doing it seems very normal. Once I was introduced to the concept of Self-Care by Serge Benhayon I actually really got to understand how very important it is to our selves, our bodies and our relationships with others.
I love that example of having a bottle of water on your desk Matilda and sipping it gently – how the students started to do it too. It is so powerful when we practice self care with a true quality in our movements and how others clock it and it triggers inside them what they also know is important for themselves. Could there be any more powerful way to care for others than to reflect to them what they already know about caring for themselves?
Breaking life down to its simplest and component parts can make change and reflection much more effective, so often when I do this, I see all of my life reflected in that moment
‘We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!’ – Hilarious example of not walking the talk. Kids aren’t silly, they know what is going on and will reject and argue against instruction that has no foundation of lived love in it. I know, I’ve been that kid and would go out cold into the day to prove that point.
I totally agree with what you are talking about Matilda. It is so inspiring to see and feel someone’s self-care and the love they have been in when doing a task. It’s undeniable, we feel it all, from how someone has gotten dressed in the morning to how they have washed their hair and what they have eaten. It all counts and we can’t hide how we are with ourselves.
Ditto what we feel when we meet someone is all the choices in the way they have lived until that point, I used to think that the clothes you put on, what you said and the makeup that people would wear gave an influence on how you are perceived and whilst that is true it also lacks appreciating that before all of that is the quality in the way we live life, that is what I now appreciate we feel long before we see the person.
This has got me thinking or should I say feeling how I actually perform my mundane tasks, how am I typing right now for instance? It is the simplest of awareness that can embody a connection.
I had a chuckle at this one – “We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” because this can play out in so many ways. But the true power is living it, and taking care of yourself first and then people know it is true.
I used to feel a lot of tension in my body when I didn’t listen to it and instead chose to push through to please others. Self-care wasn’t part of my daily rhythm, because I was taught to put others before me, and that this was a loving deed. But reading your blog Matilda, it confirms that this belief is very far from truth. I have known this for a while and I have started to understand the true meaning of love and self-care, and I have started to apply self-care and self-love to my every day. I am learning to ‘walk the talk’ instead of thinking or talking about it. The power of living what we know is true, is beyond what we can often comprehend, the benefits rippling out further than what our eyes can see.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” – Definite pause for thought with this one!
I did smile at your asking your kids to put a jumper on when you are cold. Classic. And how common is it for parents to tell their kids to do something but not do it themselves. So of course kids will complain or rebel because the ‘telling’ is just empty words. The power is in just living something and letting people notice and be inspired by that.
Thanks Matilda I really appreciate this question: “And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?” There is always a deepening available, nothing ever reaches a point that is finite – except when we have had enough.
Brilliant, Sandra… it is our choice to draw the line on how far we are prepared to go/take care/learn… not the fact that there is any finish line.
Most of us have been brought up to believe that it is important to put other people’s needs before our own and that if we don’t we are then being selfish. It doesn’t really work telling our children what is best for them and doing everything for them but disregarding ourselves in the process. Without true role models be it parents or teachers taking responsibility by choosing to take loving care of themselves it is no wonder that they can grow up not having taken the responsibility of caring for themselves. The best role models are indeed those who walk their talk. Surely it is time to understand there is a huge difference between pandering and self-love.
Yes, it is the small things that make all the difference.
When we do not take care of ourselves, even when we are still full of energy, vim and vigour, then there is a quality missing in our actions.
I love you what say here Matilda about the abdication of responsibility — what a sneaky one that is! And yet, very true — it’s really a game we play where we put up the martyr and I don’t want to be selfish card… but in doing so, we set the example for others that cherishing ourselves, being tender and loving with ourselves is not high in the priority list. As a result, we have the world as it stands today with disease rates rife, stress an everyday occurrence that never leaves our tired and crippled bodies, battered from our choice not to tend to them in the loving way they are so longing for and so deserve.
As with many things we have always known what you are saying here Matilda. There are many phrases that we use everyday that bring this to light and ‘walking the talk’ is just one of them. I remember growing up and this was used often and yet we can say it without actually being in the practice of it. It’s a strange world that tells you something without actually doing it for itself first, actually it makes no sense at all. This line sums it up really, “if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others”. It’s great you and we have bought more light to what is obvious yet hidden, thank you.
Thank you Matilda. This is very timely as I have been looking at how I am with certain things this week, and decided to pay attention to how I am in the bathroom and the kitchen. It’s been most revealing and from it, it has exposed a level of judgement on myself that I hadn’t seen which has given me the opportunity to see and feel. The judgement came as I held a picture about how I should be and was measuring myself against that. But what has now happened is that I’m seeing that my awareness in around how I am with certain tasks as an opportunity to go deeper with how I am with myself when doing them. It’s actually fun now 🙂
Beautiful blog Matilda. Walking our talk is a very powerful reflection for others. In term of being a teacher, we are all teachers no matter what we do. It is what we teach that is the difference and that all comes from how we are with ourselves.
As a parent, when we put our children first, it is actually quite imposing on them and suffocating. I was expert at putting my child first when he was younger and it did not serve either of us. In many ways, you couldn’t fault me as a parent but if you felt beyond the layer of the temporal, there was an icky-ness. It is as though when we put another first we smother them.
This is brilliantly honest and supportive… the apparently ‘fault-less’ parenting that is actually not allowing a child to navigate their way and learn. My hand is up for that one too.
This shows that being responsible and setting an example – of self-care for instance – is not the big deal we may think it is – in fact it is really very simple… we focus on it for ourselves and others are inspired to do the same for themselves.
It is quite amazing how much we do actually pick up and learn from example – from what we see and feel others do… and children are like a sponge when it comes to this – they clock it all. and they know when it is genuine and true or not. It is gorgeous to read how the children around you Matilda naturally feel the truth you are offering and join you in ‘walking the talk’.
It is fascinating to see and feel the difference when we observe ourselves and our behaviours – we begin to notice the little details that we completely missed before, and it is those little details I am learning that truly make a huge difference.
Martyrdom and sympathy feed the dramas and complexities of life, always demanding recognition and attention from outside of us. Whereas taking responsibility for ourselves and the care we give ourselves brings a harmonious simplicity to life that needs nothing from outside.
Just for a moment to really appreciate what it means to live without the need for external recognition… it is incredible to feel that I am breaking the cycle of this entrenched dependence and feel the simplicity of living life in a building joy that is my relationship with me, everyone and life.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” This is true – just the simple “small” things that make a huge difference and can inspire and change the life of others around us.
If we don’t take our level of self care to another level then our level of care for others could be seen as superficial, in as much as our ‘looking after’ others may be done to be liked, appreciated, recognised, out of duty or habit, or to distract ourselves by doing unto others that we are not prepared to do unto ourselves, that way taking us further away from ourselves then end up in the ‘resentment of martyrdom’.
Truly caring for myself has been a revelation for me. It has supported me in developing a true connection with my body, and being able to truly nurture and care for my body. The developing of self-care has enabled me to care more deeply for others too.
“not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” wow I had to read this several times to really take in and see in this way. It is shocking to think that we can think we are being responsible in all we take on in looking after others and this is as simple as being a parent but if if we are not looking after ourself first as I never used to we are being irresponsible. Now after caring for myself more lovingly in recent years I can see how this is possible. Thank you Matilda.
The observation of one task at a time is a great practise to undertake. There is so much that can be learnt from the acute observation of ourselves in any given moment. Choosing things we do religiously and working with these would actually lead to a religious experience of ourselves – one that is connected and reverent.
I love your explanation Matilda of the cycle of victimhood the lack of self-care creates. From the smallest instance of physical self-regard to the most flagrant of self-abusive acts it really is a thoroughly disempowering state.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility”
So true, Matilda. I have noticed that we get much more attention being a martyr in what we do than if we do something in a totally self loving way. I know this well as lived this way for so many years. However being a martyr is actually hard work as we are never enough in our doing and it is just a recipe for burnout.
I love being more self loving and taking care of myself and see this as part of my responsibility and commitment to life and I know this is deeply felt by those around me.
It is a totally new way of looking at self-care when we see it as a responsibility. The way you present it Matilda makes perfect sense.
I have been very aware of how I open doors these last couple of days Matilda. Each time, whether I choose to be gentle or am absent minded and rough with myself, I remember your blog and smile. I am certainly beginning notice the difference between the two approaches and it’s finding its way into other daily actions I perform.
This is super inspiring Debra. Another amazing example of how a small attention and care can find its way into other things we do and how this can expand endlessly until taking care, being tender and respectful, with ourselves and life, is our default position.
Advertising is a huge million dollar industry that makes that money on the basis that people will be affected by the things they see on TV. So why wouldn’t this also apply to what we see in life – if we are presented with a consistent type of behaviour, will we begin to see it as normal and adopt it for ourselves – possibly? If this is even a possibility, is it not worth while considering the impact living a life of self love could have on everyone around you, who then gets that reflection and inspiration?
‘What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves.’ It is amazing the difference it makes when we self-care – not only do we benefit, but to have our children, partners or house mates be inspired to do the same for themselves illustrates how much responsibility we each hold for bringing about positive change in the world.
So true Mathilda, when we walk our talk, our walk does most of the talking. We all have a radar out for what does not ring true, so it is easy to dismiss someones ‘advice’ if they are patently not living what they are offering – and yet when someone lives by example and through reflection, they can inspire another in ways that empty words or advice never will.
Creating stop moments and space in our day allows our attention to be brought back to the QUALITY of our movement rather than the rush or mayhem of just trying to ‘get through the day’.
Words can be very empty if it is just all talk.
What I get from this is that self-care is not a tick box exercise or action that has an end point. it is a way of living and moving that actually makes you want to consider and look after yourself.. the beauty in this are the natural ripple effects on others, as you have noticed with your children.
“Most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told”. Of course this would mean taking care of a child or someone else not only making sure their physical needs are met, but it actually also means we are living a great example of deeply honouring and caring for ourselves. For them and everyone else alike, in us they see an openness and love of people, as well as accountability and responsibility. This blog is a great reminder Matilda. If we are not being deeply loving role models, just what example are we truly providing?
The steps to place ourselves as important as a small baby’s needs is crucial for us to turn around the epidemic of lack of self worth and low self esteem.
Someone wrote earlier in the comments about “leading by example” and I feel this is a beautiful and empowering way for change to happen. Easy to tell people what to do but if we are living opposite to that ourselves the words are empty. I love to be inspired by people such as you Matilda, making loving caring choices, walking your walk before talking your talk.
It’s so true, if we do not take good care of ourselves we leave it for others to pick up the mess, whether we are child or adult. Self-care is a necessary responsibility in life, not an indulgence as many would believe it to be.
Matilda this is a deeply inspiring blog and sharing the truth of the reflection and simplicity of true self care lived and the power of reflection this allows others.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’ – this is so true and there is much to learn down to the tiniest detail as we have much to catch up with when it comes to caring for ourselves. It is a process of learning by doing, only in real life situations are we exposed for the lack of self-love and care that may still have its pockets hidden under ideals and beliefs and so-called good intentions.
Matilda, what a lovely and inspiring blog! When you spoke about how we inspire by living instead of telling others to do so by not doing so ourselves I realised something: we are all connected. If I am not with me, I do not feel this connection and so I try to get it, because I miss it, through caring for others (or something else I can do for them). This can also be an argument or dispute – main thing is to get their attention and get some recognition. I try to substitute my missing natural connection with attention. But this does not really work. It is flat. And it is missing the one point: taking responsibility. Can it be that we try to get what we miss (connection) without the consequence this has, namely responsibility? But by taking care of ourselves we start with it and here we go. To realise that every choice I make has an impact on my surroundings and – at the end – on the whole world can be scary. But also the reflection of: I count. It is on me how I take it. But one choice is holding me back and the other lets me expand.
I am totally with you, Matilda, because I also kept ideas of being selfish when it comes to self care and self love. I lately made an experience which connected me back to my natural state of tenderness, which everybody has equally, and this deeper connection to my tenderness supported me to understand when to care for me personally and how to care for me whilst caring for others.
I love the naturalness with which you just did what your body was impulsing you to do, and this simple yet hugely loving choice, allows others to feel and see, what true self care looks like and then this unimposed choice, leaves them free to make their own loving choices if they so wish.
Matilda, I love this, ‘In the most mundane, repetitive of tasks I have found extraordinary opportunities to take care and get to know myself on a whole new level’, I have found your article very inspiring and this morning woke and chose to be present with what I was doing, such as showering and getting ready this morning, choosing to move gently and with care and if I went into my head or moved awkwardly then I came back to moving gently again – this has felt very beautiful and I can feel how each moment builds on the next making it easier to be with myself with each task.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” To think about self-care in this way completely reverses our current perception and thinking on this topic!
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.” A huge abdication of responsibility as I have come to realise over the last ten years Matilda. If we are not prepared to truly look after ourselves, to feed, nurture and care for ourselves properly, why should we expect anyone else to? And the beauty of it is, is that when we do, we inspire others to do the same, not by what we say but by the quality of our health, vitality and well being and the simple acts of self care that everyone can do for themselves.
I love the simplicity in bringing more awareness to self-care by being more present in our movements and the way we do the things we do as part of this.
‘we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I am certainly inspired by many others in this way. ‘I agree that walking is our talking in action, and our ‘walk’ is registered by others in ways that empty words can not be, no matter how caring, convincing or sweet they sound.
By deeply caring for ourselves we can inspire others without having to say anything. I see this back in my own life where I often am more influenced by others people’s choices than by what they are saying.
It is so true that when we ‘walk our talk’, the ‘walk’ speaks so loudly reaching levels far deeper than words.
I love your line that walk does a lot of talking – It certainly does. There are many moments where I have been stopped in my tracks by a movement or the way someone has does something both positive and negative. I have in these moments resolved never to do something again and or found a new way of doing something.
Self care is about giving to ourselves first and foremost, and when we do not or can not give to ourselves lovingly, it is possible there is a lack of self-worth which was certainly the case for me. Self-care is a super prescription to begin to heal lack of self-worth issues, and the more we self care it starts to refine and before we know we are truly self-nurturing – which my body loved and appreciated after years of no self-care.
What a super blog to read this morning on self-care and I love Matilda how you show us that by doing those everyday repetitive tasks we can learn something about ourselves, are we fully present or are we busy thinking of the next thing to do. It is all about the quality in which we hold ourselves in, and how much we can actually give ourselves…..
And that these opportunities are always so readily available – literally a second or two doing what we are doing anyway but bringing our awareness to the how and whether we are actually present. If we are not, is there an auto pilot, and if so what is the ‘engine’ behind it? Thank you for freshening up my awareness, Jacqueline.
Talk has always been cheap when it is not lived and is just empty words. But a life lived well is always an inspiration.
Matilda you raise so many points of pure gold here and a blog I would love everyone in the world to read. You make it very clear that looking after ourselves is paramount if we want to truly care for others, Your line “So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility” is so spot on and refreshing to hear it said like this. We are in fact in illusion if we think we are caring for another yet in disregard for ourselves.
“… Don’t respond to, or respect how we feel
Don’t listen to what our body is telling us at any given time
Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others. “
Sad but true – this is the way we are educated at school, at sport, at church – throughout our cultures.
The Way of The Livingness stands out and presents a true version of life.
It is amazing how when we change our own behaviour to a much more loving way, that those around us so often also begin to adjust their behaviour. It appears that by allowing ourselves to do that, then we give permission to the others to also look at their behaviour. So as you described, by really taking care of yourself, especially when you were cold and acting to put on a jumper, then your children seeing what you did, gave themselves permission to feel if they also were feeling cold. What a great learning for you in this, as parents we are so used to issuing orders and expecting them to be obeyed, when we are not truly looking after ourselves. As role models, how important it is to be showing how to behave, not issuing orders.
Beautifully expressed, Matilda, especially “if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” I certainly mastered the second, definitely imploded with the resentment of martyrdom. When I look back I can see how much damage I did to myself and to the family by indulging in martyrdom, and indulge I certainly did. I thought I was so hard done by, but why, oh why, did I not express lovingly if I truly felt that maybe we had to do things in a different way, find a way to perhaps share out the tasks differently. It was my choice to act the way that I did, and it was my choice to not take true care of myself, which I certainly did not do. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to give myself time to really look after myself, in other words I now realise, I actually enjoyed playing the role of the martyr. It feels good to take responsibility all these years later, but back then, I knew no better. I have come to learn so much over the past 10 years with the help of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, and do not beat myself up for the past.
Super honest, Beverley, and in that super supportive. I too enjoyed the status I attached to self-sacrifice and now see that as yucky for others and really irresponsible.
Yesterday, I was talking with my son whilst driving to an appointment. He was pointing out that it’s actually dangerous to talk in the car as it affects our ability to concentrate on driving and being aware of everything that’s going on around us, supporting his wish to listen to music while we drove! I was being quite defensive about how I could talk and drive at the same time, when I suddenly realised I’d completely missed my turn and driven about 2 km too far down the road I was on. What a gorgeous example, for me, on how important it is to be fully present in everything I’m doing. I’m actually not capable of doing two things at once and bringing my full attention to either of them, let alone both.
What you have expressed here Matilda is very profound, thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom;
“What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant.”
Delightful article Matilda. I just love how much deeper my understanding grows each time as I read these amazing yet simple truths.
I love the jumper thing. I have done this in so many different ways where I instruct/direct/demand others do things believing I’m caring for them, whilst I leave myself void of any care whatsoever. Where is the quality in our care for others if we simply don’t have it for ourselves?
I was just discussing this with a friend the other day. This is a perfect recap. I can attest to this being so completely true. I have felt the knock on effects of others making self loving choices as they have encouraged me to do the same. It’s a lot more powerful than we imagine.
Yes it is a lot more powerful than we imagine and until I had a go at it myself, as in suspending disbelief and experimenting, I had absolutely no sense of the remarkable impact being respectful, caring and dare I say it, tender with myself would have.
‘Walking the Talk’ brings it back to the foundations we walk in and the responsibility to live in a loving relationship with ourselves for humanity.
This kind of ‘experiment’ is just the kind of science we are needing to participate in. There is nothing like awareness and the power of observation to find out the truth of the matter!
I do so agree Matilda, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’! Great examples of putting your jumper on and drinking water from your bottle on the desk – what we used to call in the old days’ setting an example’ – this has always worked. And now we have the added knowing that it is the quality of the energy in which we ‘do’ these things that counts. Even when we walk past someone the ‘beingness’ that emanates from us does its magic.
A lovely reminder Lyndy for me this morning: ‘ Even when we walk past someone the ‘beingness’ that emanates from us does its magic’.
‘The knock-on effects are significant’ – this offers so much and can be carried across to everything we are and everything we do. It also illustrates how through our livingness we change our world and the world of others. Thank you Matilda.
This is a required read Matilda, especially for Mothers! So often we push through as you say and expect ourselves to somehow not get ill or exhausted. I know it is only since I came to the work of Universal Medicine presented by Serge Benhayon that these lack of self nurturing ways became obvious to me and my need to change this.
Our level of self care, does absolutely equate to our level of self love. The more that I pay attention to the detail of what I am doing, the more my body just naturally moves in a way that is very confirming of who I truly am and I can feel that my movements are not confined to just myself, as I can feel the interconnectedness of us all within everything.
When we champion the selflessness of not taking care of our self, we perpetuate the generational cycle where everyone is putting everyone else before them. It is not selfish nor a waste of time to look after yourself and in truth we cannot love others from an empty cup.
“We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” This stayed with me all day Matilda. It is such a great example of how we want to control other people rather than actually stopping, feeling and taking care of our own needs. These days I am recognising more and more that if I want to control another person it’s because something is going on for me and taking a moment to stop and feel this empowers me to change me rather than impose on someone else.
It’s true we do learn so much more from actual genuine lived example – having someone real to relate to and see that it is possible to live what they are presenting.
When somebody speaks with authority from sharing their own experience my whole being expands and says yes to hearing what it is they have to say. To me this is proof of the importance of walking our talk. It is simple, we cannot preach to others what it is that we are not doing for ourselves therefore self-care is the basis for sharing on good health.
“If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into…” This is so true Matilda, and it is rare to come across someone who is willing to take responsibility for the choices they have made which have led to a mess of complication. But in truth this is exactly why we find ourselves in these situations, and there is in fact no one we can blame for anything that happens to us. It takes an openness and honesty to do this, and a willingness to accept that we may have made some decisions in the past that weren’t so great, and have impacted on ourselves and on others. This is something to be celebrated, not dismissed.
The degree in which we self-care is a direct reflection of the degree of self-worth that we hold for ourselves. The less we value ourselves, who we are in essence, the more we need to be valued through what we do and the amount we do for others by way of sacrificing ourselves and putting our well-being last. So when we are willing to be honest with ourselves, and choose to explore, value and appreciate ourselves first, we will discover that it is through caring for our body and being that we will naturally begin to honor, without question, the great Love that we are within and share this true quality with all others.
Matilda you make many fantastic points but one that is so powerful is your observation about bringing more love to the ‘mundane’ tasks in life. We erroneously believe that self care and self love only exist in special meals out or a trip to the nail salon and so we categorize opportunities to self care and by doing so narrow them down into minute portions of our lives. Our lives are made up of what many would refer to as ‘mundane’ tasks, therefore if we do as you have demonstrated, which is to turn ‘mundane’ tasks into opportunities to bring more self care and self love into our lives then wow, pow, suddenly life begins to look and feel very different because we have little droplets of love sprinkled throughout our day. These droplets have the potential to turn into tiny streams and from there possibly rivers and eventually when we all live this way we will all return to the ocean of love that we are from.
I have found that my ability to care for others has deepened as I have developed my own self care. As I have deepened my self care, I have discovered that a greater depth of care is possible and having explored this with myself, I can then take this care to others.
I love how you have taken self care to another level. It’s one thing to do the actions of what self care entails, but to be present with all our action and feel the quality of our movements, takes self care to a deeper level that can be felt by many.
Self care leads to self love and self love leads to the love of God. If a person says that they love God but they loathe themselves then there can be no real love of God.
Matilda, you have beautifully described how a living way of being, living what we feel is true, is the greatest teacher.
Without even saying a word our children learn how to be and what is ‘expected’ of them, simply through the way we move and behave. Our responsibility to self-care in not only for ourselves but also for the reflection that we offer to our children and all others. Self-care in the basic fundamentals of life that we all deserve to learn from a young age. As we all have a body and we need to know how to care for it otherwise we will continue on the ill-informed path we are on where we consider disregarding our bodies is normal, contrary to the truth that is being reflected by the state of our society’s health and well-being, the truth of our bodies.
‘…we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. Beautifully said and absolutely true Matilda. Totally awesome blog.
Thank you Matilda for presenting how valuable it is to self-care and how it not only affects us but all that we are in a relationship with. It is so true that we have created a culture that considers that self-care is selfishness and this is deemed an unfavourable way to be. How outlandish. As without knowing what true self-care is for ourselves, what it means to deeply care and love our body and being, how can we possibly care for others in a way that honors who they are and what is truly needed to support them being who they are.
If self care was taught as being the foundation upon which we and our children grow, this would change everything – how we parent, operate and live. I had not thought of it as a foundation for growth, but it makes sense.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others…” This makes absolute sense Matilda. Often we then do things for others in resentment, or from the point of duty…in this lays only hollow gestures. But when we take care of ourselves first there is a richness and openness and vitality to what is genuinely offered.
I really love how it is noticing the everyday ‘mundane’ that can bring profound change. Indeed opening a door fully present can be really amazing -bringing a quality that others can feel too. Seeing how others are loving in what they do gives me permission to be loving too; and to not dismiss the mundane as mundane but as doors welcoming love in.
“And again, nowhere perhaps is this more keenly felt than in parenthood, which is the foundation upon which our children grow.” It was not until i began to take greater care of myself that i discovered my slightly arrogant presumption that self care was not something I needed to work at, yet when i broke it down as you have Matilda, it was clear to see that many of these rituals where very functional and certainly never enjoyed.
This was a tough realisation for me. That I had turned self care into another required function that had no true care in it at all.
I love that when we ‘walk the talk’, there really is no need for talking because it’s the ‘walking’ that truly inspires others.
Just as we would like a teacher to practise what they preach so too is it just as powerfull and responsible to live what we say. Self-love is crucial if we are ever to love and care for another.
Matilda so very true – we learn best by observation rather than being told what to do. And so when we take care of ourselves naturally other people take care of themselves. We do not need to go out and say anything – it takes a load of pressure off.
Great article Matilda, I love this, ‘The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?’ I have enjoyed reading this and am paying more attention to how I am going about my day to day when completing tasks – very interesting, it feels so lovely when I choose to be present for a task and to take care, be gentle and tender rather than rush through – great to have this awareness, thank you.
I love your comments about telling the kids to put on jumpers…yet not looking after yourself. I have had to also totally readdress how I approach this kind of thing. Now I don’t tell the kids at all. If they get cold or wet, they can turn and look at me – all wrapped up and warm – do the math, and next time make a better choice. Simple and, this way, because it is them choosing rather than me imposing, it sticks.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others” –
i like how you have linked this to one of our fundamental responsibilities rather than being something indulgent and selfish.
My wife and I moved out of London and rented a property in the idyllic Somerset countryside. Friends would come and stay and say “Wow, what an amazing place for the kids to grow up.” And this was a huge proportion of our intention behind the move – we had prioritised them rather than looking at what would support and nurture us – and thus all of the family. A few years in we begun to realise that it wasn’t working at all and that we had completely signed up to this illusion of doing things for the kids. Not only that, but by focussing in on the micro we had completely missed the macro and had taken ourselves out of any community. So we moved out.
This is leading by example. What is so beautiful about what you share here Matilda, is that all these actions were naturally inspired by your own love and so not only are you naturally more encouraging of your children putting on jumpers etc, but you are actually inspiring others to be loving with themselves. In a world starved of love you are pure gold.
“The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told”. As I have worked on my issues and have let them go I have become much more aware of what I took on, not by what was said to me or taught to me, but by what was presented energetically by those around me. For example no one actually said to me “security and comfort is the be all in life” and so on, but because of how everyone lives this concept I naturally imbued it. Undoing all the subtleties of exactly what I have taken on is taking some working out, but by taking responsibility for how I live in the awareness that what I say and what I do are two different things in connection with the quality in which I live, I know that I am less likely to communicate energetically to others ideals and beliefs that are not true.
Brilliant examples of how loudly those small steps speak. To put the care of one self first is in fact teaching our children about how to be in life, to put the other first and disregard our own well-being ironically provides the opposite example, one that role models ‘it’s ok to not listen or respond to how we feel’ or it’s ok to disregard of ourselves’. I know I’ve certainly been there, and still catch myself at times, but I know there is nothing stronger in raising our children, than living by example.
The ‘walk’ certainly does the ‘talking’ Matilda, as no amount of ‘talk’ will reflect to others, in a true way, that there is another way to live, and that way is to self-love, the purpose of which is to only show others that it is not selfish, it is okay to put ourselves first because ultimately this will bring us all back to our true way of living in love and harmony with each other. Why is it that when we are made of love we find it so difficult to connect to it or accept it? It is my experience that like you and your doors, baby steps are required as it is the attention to detail that will all add up to the bigger picture.
As I read your blog again today, Matilda, I smiled as I appreciated how my early to bed and early to rise rhythm has had quite a profound effect on the rest of my family, who are not students of Universal Medicine. Over time they have chosen to adopt much more loving routines in terms of going to bed when they feel tired, rather than sitting up late to watch a mindless TV show, confirming that actions do indeed speak louder than words.
“So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.”
Could not agree with you more Matilda, a lesson I am painfully learning.
Thank you for this powerful and wise reflection.
A beautiful blog Matilda bringing such a true understanding to self care and the power of walking our talk with living the love in our bodies and the reflection this brings. All so simple and so true and I love the sharing of being with ourselves when brushing our teeth and opening doors that I find such a great marker and support also.
Telling people what to do has never worked, for children or adults, we all need to find out in our own way in our own time. And everyone can feel if someone is saying one thing and doing another, an emptiness can be felt with this. All anyone can do is reflect a different way of being and living, then others can see there is an alternative to their way of living, if they wish to choose it.
I know martyrdom very well as it was my best friend in the past and was well fertilised with guilt! It feels so freeing to be able to let this go, to understand why I allowed this feeling to be so embedded into my life, and to now be able to feel how when I am loving and caring for myself that everyone around me feels and benefits from this.
I love what you have shared Matilda ‘Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it?’. Such a great question to ask ourselves, I have been noticing lately how I am ticking boxes in certain areas of my life and not making space to deepen the quality of my movements that can truly support and nourish us.
How many women serve themselves food last, are the last to eat, the last to bed, the last to get what’s left over, the one that goes without, the one that doesn’t get a present or a card or a hug, the one that eats the burnt bit of the dinner or the crust that no one wants? How many women put their needs after everyone else’s, that’s if they even consider their needs at all? How did we end up with this way of living, not only is it lived by women the world over but it’s passed on from generation to generation? How did we get to a point where women not only live like this but fight to stay like this because they see it as their role? And how much is life being robbed of it’s true beauty because women are choosing to reduce themselves into such greatly diminished versions of themselves?
The ‘pushing through’ that you mention is something that society commends. Pushing through a pain barrier to finish a race, pushing through the night to finish a box set/movie, pushing through the exhaustion to get the job done. People seem to marvel at ‘pushing through’ – it can be competitive or even inspire someone. But it lives in the head – mind over body stuff. By listening to even a whisper from our body, we can begin to see that pushing through doesn’t truly serve us.
“The walk does a lot of talking” – ain’t that the truth. I really noticed this at work a few years ago when I stopped having dairy and started bringing in almond milk. Before long there were cartons of rice, soy, hazelnut and almond milk in the fridge. I couldn’t believe it! While I did this as an act to support me in terms of what I was putting in my body (or not), it had a much bigger effect. And that example blew me away – when we look after ourselves, it really does have a knock on effect. Very cool to raise this point and write this blog, Matilda.
“If we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others,” This is really such obvious common sense yet it gets drowned by comparison and the suffocating emotion of guilt. The counter to this is self-love and knowing this it our responsibility to foster this in ourselves first and then in others, particularly children, through our lived example.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” I love the way you have described this Matilda, ‘imploding with the resentment of martyrdom’ It is so true, I can recognise the resentment I have walked around with thinking I am doing it all, it is not pleasant, and the affects on other people (especially our children) is huge. Victim-hood is all too prevalent in our society, and at some point whether we recognise it or not it will either make us ill or very hard towards the world.
‘Already focusing on what I was going to be doing next?’ I can feel how often I am jumping ahead to the next thing and therefore leaving myself behind in the moment and complicating what is a simple task, when I’m doing the washing up for example, I am often so focused on getting it done because I’m thinking about the next task that might be needed. Even as I write this I can feel how exhausting it is to live this way and how to bring me to all the little things brings with it an ease and a flow to my day that leaves me tired but not exhausted at the end of the day.
I love the fact that the things you chose to focus on were everyday simple things which any one of us can do, and also how those around you responded by taking more care of themselves.
The absolute joy to be felt and expressed through deeply honouring and caring for ourselves is huge – it never stops expanding.
Absolutely Gyl, it has to start at home otherwise we are lost in the wilderness of another’s makings! I have fallen for many unfortunate not so loving situations that I am now healing so I can return to be fully loving in what I do, to the best of my ability.
‘The thing is that most of us know that we learn so much more by example rather than by being told” – yesterday I chose to not tell a class I was teaching what to do – I asked them to watch me doing a drawing. I didn’t speak, I only shared that I would ask questions later about what they felt and saw and it might not just be the drawing I was doing, so to watch everything. They observed and understood so much more, how my body was, the way I moved, what they felt, how I did the lesson, was I hard or gentle in my body, the way I held my pencil, how I drew, the movements I made, I didn’t have to tell them anything.
Beautiful example of inspiring and teaching by reflection rather than telling. Thank you, Gyl.
It’s interesting as we can often talk about things, but actions speak louder than words.
When we walk the talk, our actions speak louder than words.
Words are incredibly empty when they are not backed up energetically.
“We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!” Matilda I had to laugh as we had nearly the same “joke” in our family as well. I only can say that I love it very much if someone is walking what he or she is talking as this is not so confusing.
Hey, Matilda, this is a great inspiration to look around and clock how people around me are influenced by what I reflect to them in both ways: reflections of love and reflections of disregard.
Putting others first at our expense has mistakenly been turned into a virtue and you quite rightly say that it can lead to us having “imploded with the resentment of martyrdom”. I found that always puzzled me why it was upside down, especially because Jesus is supposed to have said “Love thy neighbour as thyself” and not “love thyself as thy neighbour”.
When we ‘walk the talk’ people can’t help but naturally be inspired. This says a lot really, it shows that if we want true change, we have to be prepared to live it (walk it).
Matilda, I can feel the unfolding of cycles in this piece. The feedback loop that I am learning how to clock whenever I don’t respond to the communication of my body is clear here. I am left depleted even in the smallest ways. Lifetimes of dismissing the small signs of disregard are slowly being re-imprinted.
What has stood out for me is that as a parent and in taking on the mothering role I would ‘push through in disregard of myself to take care of others” or choose busy-ness. This has resulted in me feeling exhausted at the end of the day, disgruntled and annoyed at myself for not asking for help or allowing others to do their part. I would often take over and then resent what I had chosen, and put the blame on others, instead of standing in my power, and openly expressing how I feel and then together work as a loving team. I took on the belief that I needed to do it all on my own, and not ask for help “just grin and bear it” like my mother did.
There is more to self care as you have shared… not just the functional daily activities of good hygiene, clean clothes, sleep and regular food intake, but embedded within these activities is a quality, a self awareness, an intimate relationship that develops within the person that is ‘doing’ the self care, that it becomes not just a ‘doing’, it deepens the communication, the intimacy and relationship one has with themselves which is deepening self love, self appreciation, self regard and honouring, which then naturally extends out into caring about other people. It starts as self-care, but gradually this blossoms, without the trying, into caring for others
A “social framework of victimhood” such a powerfully true statement Matilda, it can be so easy and comfortable to fall into the poor me and offer and receive sympathy for our circumstances, what I have been learning over the last few years is how much more empowering it is to swap that way of living for a discerning reading of why things occur and a willingness to change my ways if something feels stagnant and not supportive to my health. It really is true that we are a reflection for all others around us, the question is do we want to reflect brightly or dimly, surely for young people the more we emanate joy and engagement in life the more we inspire them to do the same.
We often underestimate the power of reflection. As kids we are often told “do as I say, not what I do”. Being told to do something can often bring up resistance because unless that person is leading by example we feel the falsity of it. This then comes back to the responsibility we have to walk our talk, otherwise there is no point talking as it comes laced with an energy that is not true.
‘The way I open doors has been a big one. Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?’ Yes this is a big one for me too Matilda and one of the points in the day when I often remember to come back from a racy momentum – our ‘going out’ and ‘coming in’ is an extremely vital moment, as is every other moment in our lives equally.
When I was looking after a little girl from 6 months to 18 months it was astounding to see just how much see picked up and copied, from facial expressions to words and body language, everything was watched and so if we present children and each other with consistent role models of care and love for ourselves then we can learn by example.
Self care is very powerful when we truly walk the talk as you so beautifully express Matilda. The flow on effect to others around us is deeply inspiring and reminds us that our body deserves to be honoured and respected in every way.
I am lucky to have in my life the reflection of many women who are starting to really look after and love themselves. When I observe this it inspires me to find my way with this, to reconsider things I just put up with and to bring more quality to different areas of my life. It can’t be done by someone telling you what to do, lived expression is the greatest inspiration.
There is so much strength and power when we bring our focus and care to what we are doing.
I like the way you say our walk does a lot of talking, and I agree that few words are needed if you live the example of what you say.
I am slowly beginning to see the value in my self-care and making it a priority. Too often I have experienced becoming ineffective, grumpy, stressed, not fun to be around or ill because I have put my tasks before me. I am sure continuing to live my life like that would have resulted in me becoming seriously ill. I like the example you use of opening doors. “Do I do it in such a way that hurts my hand, or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?” Such a gorgeous question and one I will ask myself the next time I open one.
Brilliant Matilda! ‘What I have found as a parent and teacher is that by putting into place basic strategies for self-care, my children and students have stepped up to taking more responsibility for themselves. The knock-on effects are significant.’ How can we expect our kids to be all that they can be, if we are not being that ourselves.
Thank you for exposing the harm of the self-sacrificing mother Matilda. What message does this send to our children about the value of motherhood and women more broadly? That women should put their needs last and that their only value is in what they do for others? There is much to consider in what you have presented here.
This is a key way to approach life, we feel better when we are instructing people, like kids to do such things as put a jumper on, we sound good and maybe even look good to those around us but the truth is, it is much more powerful to have a lived way to support our words, for words are not what is communicating the majority of what is being said. I love the water bottle example to, so simply yet so powerful.
It is completely irresponsible and selfish not to care for ourselves – it seems we have the majority of our collective ideals and beliefs upside down, inside out and back to front. Maybe if we start from the proviso that the truth is closer to the opposite of accepted so called wisdom we would be closer to the true truth!
The beauty of your blog Matilda is in showing that very simple things when done with presence can bring joy, self healing and inspire others. Caring for myself right now is savouring your words and typing my short response with gentleness and the feeling of peace in knowing that taking care of myself is really that simple.
This is a beautiful example of how much we as children respond to the way adults live; unconsciously soaking up the habits we see being lived in front of our eyes. It is the real attention to the everyday mundane tasks that can make a big difference to the quality of our day and the relationship we have with our bodies that in turn quietly inspire our children to bring this same quality into their lives too. You are living proof that it is the walking that truly inspires and our words just confirm us.
How important is this, “Self Care – ‘Walking the Talk’”? So often we are given things as an instruction with no real life example of what the instruction is. I remember reacting to this at school, hearing something and then not understanding truly until I saw it in action. I use to think there was something wrong with me when I realised that I found thing hard to grasp unless there was a physical application. In other words ‘walking the talk’. So when it comes to our ‘self care’ we live in a world that has a million treatments for virtually everything but what if it was as simple as actually living self care in your life? With this self care we would need a true definition, a constant terminal for us all to return back to. Self care is deeper than just a warm jumper although that is a great start, it relates to your every move. Taking care, self care of how you move in and around every situation. Self care isn’t something to achieve but something to expand with no end point. An ever unfolding walk of self care that has no perfect point but an ever deepening point that equally needs a recipe of appreciation.
“We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!”
This is hilarious Matilda but so true and I know this behavior too, that when I feel something is very important or needed, I try to apply it to everyone around me instead of just applying it to myself to start with and leave everyone else to making their own choice.
Beautiful Matilda, I love the simplicity of what you have shared, I have done the same if thirsty or cold I say to my son to have a drink or put a coat on rather than feeling it for myself and taking action for me, great to have this highlighted.
When we care for ourselves we offer a reflection to others – they observe and can choose whether or not to be inspired and adopt it for themselves. Much more powerful and less exhausting than telling others what to do – and much less imposing!
Thank you Matilda I’m inspired by what you share, this is such a great pearl of wisdom: “the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” This is a foundational truth in life and when it is reflected back is very powerful.
I wonder when it was that humanity made the choice to put others before ourselves? Considering that we come from a place where all is love there must have been a point in our evolution that we stepped away from that love, and instead choosing to focus on outside of ourselves by appeasing and pleasing others to be liked and to keep the peace! We have so many long held ideals and beliefs that being self-loving is selfish but as far as I am concerned Matilda, you are absolutely right, by making self-loving choices for ourselves it reflects to everyone else, and that includes our family, friends, the wider community and ultimately the family of all humanity that we cannot DO love, we can only BE love, starting with the honouring of our-SELF.
Beautiful Matilda and so true. I can’t be reminded enough of the simplicity of self care. Everytime I really choose to be with me in whatever I’m doing, I can feel that there’s a joy I’m bringing to that which I’m doing. It is exactly as if I’m feeding and being fed back immediately. How beautiful to feel how I get what I – literally – seed.
Self-care is such an important topic and you present both that and practically how to commence bringing it into one’s daily life in a delightful, simple and direct way. Thank you Matilda.
Whenever I go to a deeper level of self nurturing, or go to deeper level of healing this is always reflected back to me by my children who express a deeper level of love and affection for me. Far from being selfish this is one of the most supportive things I can do for my children because they feel the extra space and stillness I have created, which gives them permission to be more of themselves feeling more held and cherished for who they are.
This is an incredible description of what self care really means and how key it is in role modeling. As I bring more presence and care to all I do I am understanding the power presence and self care has in developing!oping a beautiful way of Living.
How we live is seen by others. As I heard from someone once – teenagers don’t listen to what we say because they are too busy looking at what we do. It is true that if we welcome more self care for ourselves, then we inspire the next person. How un-selfish is that!
Serge Benhayon has presented that the same quality I take care of myself, is the same quality that I am with others. I also began to understand that how I live my life is what I pass on to my children.
I can truly help everyone by living my life as me, taking responsibility for all my choices, and how they affect humanity.
i remember being a bit shocked as I came to understand how my exhaustion really came from being self indulgence and stubbornness, I was continually saying yes to things instead of saying no. Pushing myself to override how I was feeling and then going on a rollercoaster ride of emotion and drama. I was trying to be someone I was not and being myself and making myself and everyone else around me pay for that choice, with bad moods, irritability, inconsistency and drama.
I love how you have highlighted the plentiful stops within our day that may seem perfunctory yet can actually have huge returns, instead of booking the odd pamper window for yourself how about bringing pampering into the everyday tasks that do present us with consistent pauses that are rarely seen as opportunities. Moments to feel where we are at and as you say “get to know ourselves on a whole new level”.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ This is really the crux of self-care.. it is our responsibility to love with self-care.. and it actually feels lovely to do.. Get it? Responsibility is an act of love, not a burden to carry.
the detail, the detail its all about the detail. Thanks Matlida.
absolutely agree Ariana, we have to feel and experience it for ourselves. and yes the power in focus, a loving focus.
amazing to come back and read this blog again, ‘putting others first’ can be in so many ways – if we are disregarding ourselves even in the slightest, everything that we do is empty.
This is a beautiful example of bringing loving quality into every thing we do everyday. That is the heart of true self care and love for all. Thank you Matilda.
All big things and grand achievements are made of small bits and pieces. I love how by paying attention to “small” things we make them equally important in quality to the “big” ones.
Thank you, Matilda, for your lovely expression.
I have found that when I am truly present in a very simple task, the task is not a task anymore but becomes a very self loving way of being. Love it, Matilda.
Being a role model is GREAT. Just as you said in this beautiful blog.
‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’. So true Matilda, this is often the case in marriages and the role women adopt with their husbands. One energetic, active and creative woman, spent her married life mothering a man who always presented himself as sickly and needing to be looked after, when he was well able of looking after himself. She developed and died five years after diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. He, to date has, survived her by 7 years.
Beautiful to have it confirmed that when we bring self care into small mundane tasks we are laying the foundation of it becoming part of other areas of our life.
I couldn’t agree more Matilda – ‘if we don’t take responsibility for ourselves we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting others to solve the mess we get ourselves into’. Perpetuating the save me mentality does not support anyone but living responsibly is indeed inspiring as your kids have shown you through altering their own behaviour to reflect yours. Gorgeous.
It’s so true Matilda. Walking the talk is so important if we want to be a leading example for anyone.
These are important questions to ask ourselves when we do traditional ‘self-caring’ activities, such as brushing our teeth or putting on cream, whether we are actually present at the time and if they have become a ‘tick box’ job/chore that we feel relieved about after completing, or if we’re genuinely taking the time to look after our body..
amazing Susie, this could be said about all of our daily activities.
Inspiring Matilda, not just here but for all those around you wherever that may be.
What I got from here was how taking care equals not rushing. And from experience I know this to be true particularly in the morning when getting ready to go to work, and reading this I had images of every household grabbing bags and breakfast etc in order to get out the door and not be late for school or work. If I give myself enough time to get ready this not only changes the quality in which I do things (lovingly not rushed) it also sets up my day to be in the same energy. Truly taking care of myself is something I have learnt from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and it has been one of the best and most loving gifts I could have ever received. We all need to be taught this and have this reflection from others in our lives when we are born all the way through childhood. If I had this when I was younger I know without a doubt my life would have been completely different in my teens through to my 30’s, there would have been zero disregard for myself and others and I would have had a lot more self-worth and self-esteem.
Living and reflecting self care is so much more effective than words and there is so much to learn about ourselves as I have found recently when paying more attention to, for example, brushing my teeth. I feel inspired to expand that to other tasks in my daily routine and observe what transpires because I can already feel that in paying more attention to the level of care I treat myself with how much more I have to offer others now I have let go of the heavy burden of martyrdom!
This is such a great observation ‘not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.’ In doing this we are looking to others to sort our lives out for us rather than taking the simple steps that ensure that we are caring for ourselves and thus able to offer a higher level of care to others and in this offering inspiration to others to follow our lead. Truly a win win situation and much needed in our current fast paced world where there is an epidemic of exhaustion and overwhelm.
Thank you Matilda, I love the simple message here – to look at the things we already do and to observe the level of care when doing those tasks. From what you have seen from your experiment the benefits are felt by those around you and have filtered through without you having to preach about self care. What this also shows is how the children are quite responsive and how much they do observe the adults in their lives.
Matilda, what a refreshing blog about walking our talk! I absolutely love it! This is so true – we often leave ourselves last, especially as women and mothers, where it is actually crucial for us to care for ourselves first so that we can then truly be there for another.
I like to think of the aeroplane analogy where in an emergency, we get instructed to put the oxygen mask first on ourselves before we help others to put it on too. It makes sense.
Having been someone who more often than not would “Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others” I know how detrimental this choice is to our health, not just at the time, but later on in life if we persist with this behaviour. I was raised to believe that it was normal to look after someone else first regardless of how I was feeling, and to put me at the top of the list to care for was selfish. I have now come to see that if I am not caring for me first I am not only harming me, but also those around me, as they are getting the message that it’s ok to do the same.
I agree Matilda, when we bring this care and attention to how we are, regularly, it changes our life so powerfully. Imagine if this was the first lesson that we learnt at school? Imagine if your main and only remit as a teacher, was to communicate that every task, every movement has the potential to be gold? Wow – what a real education to be in that class.
‘In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.’ Wow, so so simple and so so powerful. No words needed, the ripple effect just happened.
Beautiful blog bringing it back to presence in all of the simple things that we do – hugely supportive and revealing. Inspired, thanks Matilda.
We have to walk our talk – otherwise asking others to do something we don’t do , especially children, seems hollow. They can see through it straight away. Hence my distrust of many leaders of spiritual courses I attended prior to Universal Medicine, as these people lacked integrity – they could talk, but didn’t walk what they talked.
“I asked myself, “Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it? And is there space for deeper care, observation and self-respect in this task?”” I love this article Matilda. It asks us to take more responsibility for the quality in which we do everything. Taking greater care over simple things. like brushing my teeth etc and staying with myself – not getting distracted thinking about my day – is still a work in progress – but progress is definitely being made.
This is such an important message, Matilda. We all recognise love and care when we see it, and the more we live and move in this way, the more humanity will claim it for themselves. As you say, the greatest way to teach is to lead by example. I love your experiment and all the fruits it has provided.
Consistently doing something that we deep down know supports us is contagious, even if it takes years to catch on!
Serge Benhayon has been an extraordinary example of walking his talk, over 12 years of attending his presentations and courses I have been able to observe that without fail Serge is a man of his words. Lived and experienced by the way he chooses to live and then openly shared with everyone. I have been deeply inspired by this and continue to develop this within the way I live.
I find acts of self-care that come with a conscious awareness of self love and nurturing of myself are particularly beneficial for me.
Matilda I hear the term “Self Care” now all over the place, yet often the person presenting on self care is very much lacking in that department themselves. They often speak about how an electrician still has to wire his home, a cook that doesn’t cook well at home as if what we do for work takes away from what we do at home. Yet how can we inspire anyone to take care of themselves if we don’t first do the same. Your example of the sweater is a great one as it shows me that parenting is first my reflection before any words are spoken.
Putting others ahead of oneself is celebrated as the right thing to do; what is expected as a sign of love. But it is not because if we cease to honour ourselves first, we disconnect from love. And if we disconnect from it, we cannot offer it to another one. So, what appears to be love it is not. It is just an image of love.
I love your examples of how your own self care was noticed by your class. Children are great observers they clock everything and if left alone will choose for themselves what is true for them or not. As you say Matilda we have to walk the talk, I am learning preaching to another something we don’t live for ourselves doesn’t work.
I have also used doors as one of my mundane things. There is a place that sometimes I get my lunch from during the work week; it is just at the other end of the building where I work. I counted one day, and there are 19 doors I have to go through to get there, this is the shortest route. If I slip and get distracted, it causes real hallway moments and adds extra doors to the journey.
‘The resentment of martyrdom’ exposes the self-interest in ‘caring’ for others. When we don´t get back what we expect from investing into ‘caring’ we are confronted with our own disappointed expectation and need. Caring from a need could be considered to not be truly caring, neither for oneself nor another.
When we start with self-care caring for others is an expansion of how we are with ourselves, not a need.
Fantastic Matilda, such a simple way to look at how self caring are we being with ourselves. Usually it is when we have hurt ourselves or get sick that we tend to stop and take notice or even slow down with how we move, pick something up or put ourselves into bed. I so agree that, as a parent, the most loving thing we can offer our children is the reflection of loving ourselves. For myself it was like eventually ‘hello’! how can I inspire my children to care for themselves if they only ever see me running myself into the ground. I have changed my level of care for myself and if that drops my sons are often straight on to me… they see it in an instant.
I have noticed this too. We influence those around us so much more than we may realise. Taking increasingly more care in how we are in what we do is bound to have a knock on effect and can bring about lasting change.
I love your example with telling your kids to put a jumper on when you yourself were cold. That is so interesting how we tend to care more for others without taking care for ourselves first. The point is that the message does come over as a rule when you do not do it for yourself and when you do it for yourself it is naturally something inspiring for others! How amazing is that. So much less effort will go into parenting when we walk the talk.
Children – and all of us – frequently rebel and resent, or get bored of being told what to do, especially when we observe that the ‘instructor’ is not listening to their own words. However, the simplest education is to be inspired by another and learn for yourself by example and all without being ‘told’ what to do because it feels true.
Mathilda, this is a great confirmation as I started a similar exercise myself and came to similar observations. Wonderful that you share this. It is showing that love is always deepening when we take the choice to do so, the space is ever expanding and in nurturing us we deepen the level of intimacy with ourselves.
The day gets really spacious and the race against time stops when I take care of myself.
“If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we often feed a social framework of victim-hood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into – either through driving ourselves to ill-health or blaming others for our conditions or circumstances.” This is all too often the case, however if we were willing to take responsibility for ourselves as in really taking care of how we look after and listen to our bodies, we would come to realise that there is nobody to blame for anything that happens to us, apart from us. It is our own individual choices that eventually lead to ill health or to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
That’s it Matilda, we are all more learning by example than we are aware of. I have that experience too, that at lunch I always bring my self prepared lunch, either being a fresh salad, some soup or other dish, I saw over time other people also come with salads and other home made food instead of buying the ready prepared meals from the works canteen.
Every sentence gem! You point surely and simply to the very real consequences of lack of self-care i.e. illness in the body or an implosion with the resentment of martyrdom. With martyrdom you have nailed one of the biggest hindrances that we women have chosen to live under in the name of ‘Love’. If we come back to self- care we will begin to reconnect to our true power, and we will be able to bring healing to the whole planet. Nothing is to big for us to bring once we have established self-care and love for ourselves.
This is a beautiful sharing and so timely for me to read. It has made me ponder on the fact that true self-care and true self-love is in the energy and movement of how we do what we do, not what we think.
Wonderful article Matilda. I love how you bring forward the truth that ‘we learn so much more by example rather than by being told – so the natural extrapolation of this is that if we look down on the activity of self-care, we are creating a framework that says:
‘Don’t respond to, or respect how we feel
Don’t listen to what our body is telling us at any given time
Push through in disregard of ourselves to take care of others’.
We so often do not realise that our entrenched attitudes are carried in our bodies, in our stance, in our way of acting and that this communicates energetically so much to all those around us, confirming the consciousnesses that rules most of us that self care comes last.
Beautiful examples of how to inspire young children, there is no better way to look after a child than to look after ourselves first and watch them be inspired and led to care for their own wellbeing. We underestimate greatly the importance of self care in nurturing others, not just children but the reflection we offer to everyone around us. I know if I am in the company of someone who is not overeating, or who is being gentle and caring with their movements, then I am very likely to start to become more gentle with myself too.
“…Is this just a perfunctory habit… getting things done, or is there more to it?…” Yes, totally agree with your statement here… there is more to it, … the more is where self care brings the universe, your exquisite gorgeousness to everything that one does, to any activity, and this makes ALL the difference!
Yes Matilda, I am also seeing that by reflection we can change the way we see and feel, it starts with being the point of responsibility with self love and self care ourselves and living by example.
‘So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility’ – spot on, Matilda and this is such an important message to be sharing with our children, to lovingly care for our selves. We are all role models and actions speak louder than words, as you say, so the most effective way of communicating self-care is to walk the talk. The more we lovingly care for our selves, the depth of love felt in our care for others will grow enormously also.
I feel I have been preparing myself for reading your article this morning, Matilda! Over the past week or so, I have stopped myself in the middle of simple everyday tasks, such as turning on a tap, filling a hot water bottle, opening the fridge door, as I was suddenly aware of how tense my arms and upper back were. I was shocked at the rigidity and ‘holding’ in my body. Soaking up every morsel of your gorgeous blog, you’ve inspired me to start my own program as I can definitely feel a calling for more self care and awareness of how I am with myself and particularly my connection with my body, which often gets left behind. Thank you.
So true. We as children copy what the adults around us do, and not what they say. In fact, we often run the opposite way.
Thank you for sharing about your experiment, Matilda. Made me realise how I have got comfortable with the way I do certain things every day and there was no real commitment to bring myself to that moment into whatever the action I am executing and somehow I had created a pattern.
Apart from caring for our bodies and this care deepens all the time, one of the deepest respects I can give to myself is to express what I feel. The more I do, the more I observe my child in expressing how he feels.
This is a great point that you have made Matilda, if we push through and do not respect our bodies, how can we expect others to respect us? What comes to mind also is not just mothers, but how students disrespect their bodies from feeling a lack of respect they have to accept from school. And therefore, how respectful are teachers to themselves? This is a responsibility that the carers of our children, parents and teachers especially have to be vigilant on, to simply teach responsibility in our children. How our children are will be the world we are going to see.
This is one of those humdingers of a point, Adele, sometimes tritely used but so significant. Our children are the foundations for our future and letting them grow up irresponsibly is not going to look pretty in 5, 10, 15 years time. Rather than berating and scolding them we can simply show what responsibility looks like and set clear and inspiring boundaries with consequences for waywardness; understanding the impact of one person’s waywardness on the whole.
I so love how there is no rocket science here to make the most significant changes. Most of us can ‘walk and talk’ but the quality of both has the potential to be life changing! Awesome reflection thank you Matilda!
‘we often feed a social framework of victimhood and expecting other people to solve the mess we get ourselves into…’ This is so true Matilda and I observe this in myself and those I work with who are some of the most marginalised people in our society. Responsibility is everything – a note to self, noted!
Beautiful ‘note to self’: watch the willingness to slip into victimhood, which is really a relinquishing or giving away of our responsibility which quite simply is irresponsible!
Your comment about bringing a bottle of water to class has inspired the pondering of ‘What came first the chicken or the egg?’ This blog has inspired me to initiate a new depth in everything I do. Are we the one that waits for permission to step up and bring in a more loving way or are we the one that initiates the more loving way and reflects this to others? This is the difference in what can be in our lives and in the world. Thanks Matilda.
“It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.”
This is so very true Matilda. Our movements speak louder than words. A simple gesture can change the world simply because truth in essence is so simple.
We put ourselves first in order to ‘get ourselves out of the way’ in order to be of service to others without the self standing in the way. In other words, devotion to self, in the true sense and not by championing the ‘individual’, leads to devotion God and all others.
This is a significant and important shift in understanding and approach. We shy away from self care because it is considered selfish and yet spend a lot of time quite self-obsessed, in a way caught in the vortex of our own concerns. When we stop this for a moment and consider ourselves in the big picture we can relinquish our obsession with self and start to take responsibility for the part we play in the whole. Self care then becomes the honouring of ourselves as a part of the whole and in order to be able to serve our part to the best of our ability. So true self care cannot be construed as selfish, simply responsible.
So true Matilda. When we put everyone else before ourselves, particularly children, no matter what we say, they see that we don’t truly care for ourselves. When we offer the reflection of self care those around us get to feel the truth of this.
Brilliant Matilda, what you’ve shared certainly highlights that ‘walking the talk’ is the most powerful way to teach, parent and live in society. I feel if we do not do ‘walking the talk’ it is like living a lie, not only to ourselves but to others. Our children learn by example and they can sense when something is not true, we can all sense this. This is why it is so inspiring to see someone live their truth and not preach it. It shows that our bodies communicate a lot more than words and how we choose to live simply emanates through our every particle.
I love what you share. A great proof of the importance of actually living our talk has been Serge Benhayon for me. I have been interested in the topics he covers in his presentations well before I met him and had read many books and attended many courses on these topics, but I had consistently found that even when the words seemed good no one was ever really living them and it all seemed empty and pie in the sky. A total contrast to my experience of Serge Benhayon’s presentations. There is nothing as inspiring and as empowering as witnessing someone consistently living and walking everything they present.
this is brilliant Matilda because it shows us that trying to be something you are not truly and not living is actually a set up for people too to not be themselves and stand in ideal and belief instead.. Whilst YES when we live from our hearts and do what we feel to do – we instantly inspire others like the water bottle story or anything really. We inspire when people see that it can be lived. Frequently, steady and enjoyable too.
I know this so well Mathilda, saying to the kids to put their coats on and meanwhile talking with my neighbour without a coat and getting colder and colder, Taking care for myself was not a part of my vocabulaire in those days. How many mothers are there putting the needs of their children above everything else and putting whatever they need themselves second or at the end of the list, so to speak.Your blog is an inspiration to put ourselves at number one!
“In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.” I love this example of how we can inspire true change.
Matilda you have brought up so much for reflection and discussion. The entrenched beliefs that you describe mothers as having, are absolutely spot on and can not be underestimated as being the source of so much misery. Misery as far as quality of life goes, misery as far as relationships go and misery as far as health goes. You have rightly observed that we learn so much by example and have not only watched our mothers do everything for everybody else and nothing for themselves but we also mirror this to our children. There are many of us that are now choosing a different way to be in the world and are therefore reflecting not only to our families but to all others that there is, indeed another way to choose to live life. A way that is borne from self care and self love and therefore feeds these qualities back into life, rather than bleed them out of life.
Taking the focus away from the ‘function’ and doing things with quality and presence, keeps those mundane things feeling much less mundane and much more supportive.
You’ve inspired me to pay more attention to how I live everyday in all the super simple foundational aspects of life!
Learning by example is MASSIVE and incredibly profound……and as you explore here Matilda, we can either heal or harm with how we do this. It reminds of when I was staying at a shared accommodation house and there was a shared kitchen and I keenly watched how people were and what they did and some of what I observed has stayed with me.
One time when the woman was cleaning the house, I watched the care and attention she took when she picked up the dish washing liquid bottle and gently wiped it clean and placed it back down on the kitchen bench. I had never even thought to wipe clean the dish washing liquid bottle let alone do it with such care.
Another time, I observed another person return home late from a long day and I watched the amazing care and attention she took to preparing her meal and then setting the table for her self and sitting down and eating her meal.
Both of these simple movements had such a profound effect on me. I learnt by example. I learnt a deeper way to be present in what I am doing, how to bring a deeper level of care to what I do and that it is quite stunning to prepare a simple meal and a sense of ritual for a ‘dinner for one’ after a long day.
And neither of these women set about to ‘show me something’, they went about their normal daily life and I had the choice to observe what was going around me, and then choose if it was something I wanted it in my life.
I said yes to both.
Loved reading this Matilda, such simple and achievable ways to support yourself and the natural flow on effect of others being inspired by your obvious care. This feels like true education to me.
Hello Matilda and thank you for your writing. I remember in my Police training being told that if we are on the way to help someone, how we got there was important. They didn’t say don’t help but they were very clear, if you don’t get there to help someone then how is that a help. They spoke of many experiences when other Police had been on their way to ‘backup’ someone else only to need support themselves. This is supporting what you are saying Matilda, in that taking care of yourself actually takes care of others, naturally. It may not look the same as it currently does, but as we have seen, many things in this world are back to front or upside down. I love talking about the action of responsibility and not just speaking the word, “So, not taking loving care of ourselves is actually, perversely maybe, an abdication of responsibility.”
Absolutely, Ray, we hear the same in water safety talks too, don’t we? Never to jump in to rescue someone unless you are properly equipped and qualified. Taking care of and responsibility for ourselves totally changes the balance in the world.
I’m reminded of the saying “Do as I say and not as I do” – but it’s the what we do and the way we do it that actually encourages and inspires others. I love how you shared that by you dressing more warmly, did your children do the same. Self-Care is very simple, but we can often approach it in a way that is very complicated and think that it is something that we don’t have time for in our busy lives. But really given the way our health is going, can we afford to not make it an important part of our everyday?
The quality we do any task in determines the level of care that is fed back to us. For example if we are walking in presence and delicately we will feel nurtured after the walk but if we are walking not in our body and thinking, thinking the whole time, we will not feel cared for nor nurtured after this type of walk.
Being aware of the way of opening and closing doors with attention and care has supported my body too Matilda – my hands have a more tender touch in them and no more muscle pulls in my arms or shoulders!
A ten year old said to me the other day “I like you brushing my hair, your hands feel so gentle”. We had fun after that playing with opening doors for her to feel the difference in her own body, which she felt was ‘super cool’.
This is an area I still need to develop as I can feel I push myself and then at the end of the day feel quite tired. The times where I do look after my needs during the day I feel much more refreshed at the end of the day.
It is inspiring to read of the ‘knock on effects’ of doing things from a natural lived way and how others are inspired from the reflection. It is almost as if we can give ourselves permission to be more nurturing because we see someone else doing so – we do know and feel the truth.
“In school, having a bottle of water on my desk and sipping it frequently led to the students all bringing in water bottles and drinking from them regularly too.”
Thank you Matilda, I love the exercise you tried out with yourself and did something similar a while back which was every time I washed my hands I made sure I was present and completed the task gently. I soon found this task grew in then how I approached the sink, how I turned the tap on and off etc. and it spread to how I approached and opened doors, cupboard doors and how I was in the kitchen. What I learnt was this ripple was happening because of the care I was showing myself in one moment. Naturally this then expands in how I am with others and then how they are with themselves.
A great blog Matilda on the responsibility we have to move in a quality that inspires a deeper level of true care for ourselves in all the smallest of details. From this it is possible to live in a way that can then inspire others. I love the walk being the one that does the talking!
“we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’”.
And what continues to blow me away is the fact that the more I walk my talk, the less I have to ‘instruct’ and the simpler life is.
Walking has so much to offer and when I free my body and feel into every aspect the connection it feels absolute amazing!
It is true, self care needs to be lived. Walking the talk is the only way to teach this to others, it is not to say they are wrong, but to show others a way that they can choose for themselves.
Well said, Benkt. An unimposing way to teach, inspire and show others how to look after yourself.
Thank you for your sharing Matilda. This is such an important message for humanity, that we can easily live the love we are, if we choose to, as this is our natural state. And through doing it for ourselves, we inspire all around us to consider living this loving way with themselves. I’m pretty sure this would then start to reflect in a positive way on our alarming health statistics world wide.
You give such simple beautiful examples Matilda and hearing of them I feel inspired to play with things I do in my day, and it’s funny isn’t it, we often tell others to do what we’re not doing for ourselves, yet the ultimate responsibility is for us to take those steps for us first and then leave others to choose for themselves. There is a hugh equality and respect in this approach and it allows all of us to learn and understand how to support ourselves and others, and that is true care.
Matilda this is such a powerful and revealing question to pose in whatever it is we are doing, “Do I do it in such a way that hurts ….or in a way that feeds me back respect, care and tenderness?” The simplicity of this equation is beautiful. We have the choice to move in a way that feeds us back and nourishes us.
I was inspired by this too and it reminded me of how amazing it is that in every moment of our day, we are able to choose to be respectful, caring and tender towards ourselves. I have been practicing to be more aware of how I am with myself lately and to appreciate how we can actually nurture and nourish ourselves by simply choosing to move in a way that supports us instead of hurting us and others. This level of care is so, so supportive, and I am only beginning to discover the power of this level of responsibility and care.
It all comes down to being practical and real about life and the quality we live it. That is the way to experience true change and being inspirational for others as they simply can see that it works and it can be done, so they can do it as well. Nothing is more inspiring to instigate change than someone walking the talk or simply walking/living a quality we all recognise as being truly good.
What a beautiful way to educate young people ‘to live by example’. They know true care and to see it just gives them permission to explore it for themselves.
Matilda this is brilliant – I totally agree that if we are not able to care for ourselves then how can we possibly care for a child? I have experienced in being in a new mum – that it is so important I don’t throw away how I support myself in an effort to put the baby first. It is about ensuring that I am in a place where my level of care can be felt by her.
That may be the biggest secret in child care what you are expressing here.
‘We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers!’ Love this very simple example Matilda, of putting others first and ourselves aside. It confirms how we’re more likely to inspire others by what we do and how we live, rather than what we say.
I love the way you have chosen small mundane tasks and given them extra attention; from small things big things grow and you have certainly proven it here.
Love it Matilda – nothing is more inspiring than people who truly walk their talk. There is a major difference between preaching knowledge and sharing lived experience.
I like the point you raise here Matilda that we need to self-care for ourselves to be able to truly care for others and the ideal role model is our own homes but often that is not what is held up as ideal and quite often the image of putting everyone else before you is the ‘hero shot’.
love your blog Matilda, appreciating these mundane tasks is everything!!
A reminder about the irresponsibility not just to ourselves but to others around us when we relegate our own self-care and the level of influence that is always available through the inspiration of example when we choose to commit to ourselves.
Most awesomely shared what true role modelling is and how very important self-care is, in fact, as it brings care to all quite naturally so.
Well said – self caring is natural. It feels great!
Self care is a huge subject to explore. I was brought up to put myself last, family first and naturally did things for others before myself. It was a huge learning curve when it came to looking after my parents, to give myself time out and not feel guilty! Family dynamics are changing as I give myself permission to be more of who I am and life is so much more joyful with less anxiousness around getting it right! Great blog Matilda.
Yes, Lorraine! And as you give yourself time and space you’re allowing those you are caring for, old or young, to observe and feel the way in which you are caring for your self. It is actually a win/win – both for you and others.
‘We often champion the idea that putting others before ourselves is something to aspire to, and perhaps there is nowhere that this is more pronounced than with mothers, who are applauded and celebrated when ‘putting the children first’.’
I have fallen for this hook, line and sinker. In fact I grew up thinking that putting others before yourself was a gesture of love. There is no love in our gestures if we are not holding ourselves equal in everything we know love to be.
Well said Abby, for me too, love was to put everybody else first. But it can’t be true as it leaves resentment because it somewhere expects others need to put me first too. But if we all started with looking after ourselves first, then we all have a stronger base to come together from, without the need, and plenty of opportunities to show true love and care to each other, without any pandering or self-denial required. I know what feels more satisfying and fulfilling to me.
I distinctly remember my science teacher being a chain smoker and teaching us about the dangers of smoking and not to smoke – I found it extremely hypocritical and what was shared didn’t come with any lived conviction. When people can watch you and consistently see that you live the words you say, it is the reflection of this, rather than just empty words that people respond to.
I agree Rebecca the impact of hearing another way, if supported by a lived way not just words, according to: do what I say, don’t do as I do, is not very inspiring. It is confirming that it may be too hard to do it differently and especially if these people are in jobs that tend to be looked at as role models.
‘We have a joke in our family that when I was cold I used to ask the kids to put on jumpers! Well now I dress myself appropriately for the weather and, hey presto, they have taken to doing so too, or running back and getting a jacket or jumper when they step outside and realise it is colder than they thought.’
This is true education. We can learn from one moment with one person more than all the textbooks in the world could teach us. For what use is knowledge without the knowing and understanding of its practical application, the later aspects come from the body.
I have recently participated in an Esoteric Yoga session in which we are encouraged to deeply connect to our bodies and take infinitesimal care of every detail and every movement so this blog is a delight to read and a reinforcement of what was experienced in the session. I can go into the auto pilot ‘doing’ in some of the more mundane tasks and your blog is a gentle reminder of what is possible when full attention is devoted to the task at hand.
From experience I have found that the more I care for myself the more concious I am of caring for others and what can occur when I don’t care for myself. But what I am questioning to myself now is: do I appreicate the affect this care has on others?
Absolutely Matilda, ‘if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others’.
There is so much in the little moments which support the flow of our entire days. The day we forget this is the day we lose sight in even addressing the issue.
This is so true Matilda “There is one super simple point which is played out all too frequently: if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” Apart from my own personal experience, I have witnessed this happening to many mothers who put everyone else’s needs before their own and lose themselves in the process.
This is a perfectly timed blog for me, thank you so much. Although I am so much better now than I was, I am also a great proponent for walking the talk and I can see I need to take that phrase to a whole new level. Thank you for the inspiration.
This did make me laugh ‘or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.’ It beautifully exposes that actually underneath ‘martyrdom’ can be a whole load of resentment and complete lack of self-care for ourselves. I know this to be true from experience. And you are so right, if we do not deeply and truly care for ourselves then, in truth, we cannot deeply care for another.
It made me chuckle too. It is a responsibility to look after ourselves, to self care. Without recognising this we can go on to pass blame and be resentful.
It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring…Absolutely Matilda. When we walk our talk, its twofold, as we get to feel how amazing that feels in our bodies, and everyone else gets to see an inspiring reflection that can open them up to a new way of being.
Matilda what a great exercise to do, one that I am going to try myself and see how I can bring more awareness to the way I am choosing to live. Having this level of attention and openness to explore the way we are living can only naturally be expressed in all area’s of our lives and everyone in it will have the opportunity to connect with it or not.
When I focus on the mundane tasks and bring great care to them the major tasks feel so much more like a walk in the park.
‘It is the really simple things that make a foundational difference and we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’. I am certainly inspired by many others in this way.’ I love the way you put this, when we commit to walking the need for talking or instructing and telling becomes far less prevalent and the knock on effect is parenting becomes a whole lot easier.
This is a great point, Fiona. The simplicity that comes from swopping vast swathes of instructions and guidance directed at our children (at home or work) for responsible activity and ‘walking the talk’ .
We humans have the tendency of brushing off little daily tasks as mere passing points in between A and B – appraising A and B as the real important stuff. Do we miss the depth of eternity when we compartmentalise space like this?
“…we cannot escape the fact that we have to ‘walk our talk’ for the ‘talk’ to be in any way sincere or inspiring… and when we do, the ‘walk’ does a lot of the ‘talking’.” Matilda this is so true and what beautiful and simple examples you have given that show the resulting impact. In my experience, children have never responded well to being ‘told’ what to do from a demand, but when they are shown the benefits of doing something from example (and adults to) they see and can be inspired by the lived experience. Such practical and simple advice, thank you.
“if we do not take care of ourselves, there comes a point when we are not in a position to care for others, either because we have become unwell or because we have imploded with the resentment of martyrdom.” This makes complete sense and of course the example we set will be learned by our children. I love how you have demonstrated this in your blog Matilda.
Learning to truly care for myself has totally changed the way that I live. I no longer feel drained at work, I have more fun and I absolutely love what I do, irrespective of what that activity may be because I am no longer getting drained when I do it. Putting myself first means that everybody wins, myself included.
Matilda,
So very true, our children model their lives on how we live ours. To present such simple, yet deeply caring ways as your way is by far the greatest of teachers.
This blog reminds me so beautifully of how care-for-myself is in the deepest attention-to-details, because in there, the details in which we can place all our care, there is a simple and divine expression for the love we have for ourselves as the people we are. No image or ideal being achieved, just simple practical love.
I was thinking the same, Shami – no detail is too small. Awareness, care and love can be brought to everything we do.
Matilda what a great blog about self care, it starts with us first. I love how you discovered in the mundane you were able to get to know and discover yourself on a whole new level. The key being the presence and care you take.
Love your point here Matilda about self-care being a responsibility. Yes, I can certainly attest to the experience of feeling that looking after myself comes very much second to taking care of others – and that this has been an expectation of those around me. But there is an absolute lack of integrity here that undermines the whole ethos – if we do not care for ourselves first. I have often heard people say ‘do as I say not as I do’ – but they are empty words because as you rightly observe, it is when we ‘walk our talk’ that we offer a self-loving reflection to others.