Losing both my parents recently has given me the opportunity to really feel very deeply where I sit with death, losing loved ones, and with grief.
I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end. The fact that we live on in another dimension is without question for me. This ‘knowing’ doesn’t come from a need to ‘believe’ that there is more after this life or a desperate needing to make sense of life, but from an absolute knowing in my body that we all experience cycles of life in the form of reincarnation, and that I have been on this merry-go-round many times before, as have we all.
So, with my parents passing, my ‘knowing’ has not for one moment wavered and I know that they have merely come to the end of a cycle and now begin another.
I find myself feeling sadness for some of the choices they made while they were here – how I would have liked things to be different for them, and how I would have liked us all, as a family, to be closer. And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.
I had the opportunity with both of my parents to prepare for their passing. We talked about things that mattered to us and had the chance to deepen our relationship as their time in this cycle was becoming short. I felt quite matter-of-fact about their impending departure, secure in the knowing that my parents and myself knew this wasn’t the end for them, but a passing over to their next phase and a new cycle.
Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over. But I could also feel the healing that came with this. Through observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go. I now feel the deepest appreciation for the reflection that my parents offered me and the healing of these old hurts I’ve since received from their departure.
It’s been quite interesting to note how other people in my life have responded to my bereavements with feelings of sympathy, making assumptions about how I must be feeling. It’s also been interesting to ponder on the whole topic of death, dying and grief.
Putting one’s ‘beliefs’ aside, it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life. Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events. Or maybe it’s the fear of what’s next and/or the attachment to the life we’ve created and know, never having acknowledged or appreciated that we are so much more than just our individuated physical existence. And when we’ve spent the best part of our lives seemingly being in control of ourselves, our lives and events, here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.
Grieving for me has been a short period where I’ve been able to feel and observe old childhood hurts arise, and regrets about life not being different in terms of my relationship with my parents. I’ve also got to feel that how I live, and the loving and supportive choices I make for myself each day, have created a strong foundation which supports me to deal with these kinds of emotions and events. Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.
Thanks to the work of Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I have been so much more aware of how childhood hurts and imprints have governed my life and consequently played out in the choices I’ve made at the deepest level. Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief. By not becoming identified or absorbed by it, I’ve been able to feel and appreciate the foundation I have made for myself. Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.
By Heather Hardy – Worthing, West Sussex
Further Reading:
Death & Dying – A Taboo Topic or a Joyful, Normal Conversation?
Death and Dying – The Cycle of Life and Death
Reincarnation: Does Everything Start and End?
Our choices do influence how we die
Words on Serge Benhayon 
Understanding that life and death are equal parts of a cycle make sense of why we are in physical form to learn how be.
When my stepfather passed over I knew the moment he died. I was living in a different country at the time and was asleep. At 5 in the morning I woke up suddenly and just knew. I could also feel his presence in spirit form not long afterwards. This wasn’t anything that freaked me out – there was a part of me that was very at home with it all, which surprised me at the time. I just felt solid and that bit of me that just knew overrode any thoughts or doubts that my head may have chucked at my body.
The fact that we all know that we all will pass over makes me wonder at how ill prepared we seem to be for it. In our inherent belief that we only get one life, it makes sense that there is some kind of denial over it. Yet if we were to really entertain, even for just one moment, that death is simply an opportunity to clear a life time of choices so that we get to come back clearer, more able to live from a foundation of love in the next life perhaps we would be more open to death as a process.
It is truly awesome when we allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling in order to then let it go, a beautiful healing.
I completely agree that with the understanding I have now as a result of being associated with the teachings of Universal Medicine, I am more able to experience life events in a completely different way and with far less struggle than I used to.
We can trawl our issues around with us and then deal with them when the end of this life is nigh, or we can be on the front foot, unpack our suitcases, be free of unnecessary baggage and truly live life without imposing on others or weighing ourselves down.
Without universal medicine teachings I would be lost and completely given up. Universal medicine has brought light to life and true meaning and true understanding to the many emotions that can cloud life, including grief.
There is also the grief we feel at the end of a day when we know we have not lived the day in full, expressed that which we are here to express, and not loved ourselves and those around us to the level that we all deserve at a bare minimum. This is the grief of knowing we have been caught up in the game of life whilst forgetting what the real purpose is. And this is no different to the end of our life when we get to reflect on those parts we have lived and those we have not. It is not here about regrets, but it is about giving permission to feel what is left to be lived in full in preparation for the next cycle on offer.
There is a natural sadness on a human level that we go through when a loved one dies. But when we have the understanding that there is more to life than just the one life having been lived and that there is a purpose to life and death and this continuous cycle, it is a little easier to accept.
Thank you Heather to express so honestly about your experience with losing your parents. For me honesty is the first step to heal what is so deeply ingrained as a hurt in our body.
I’ve cleared A LOT of childhood hurts over the last few years. I haven’t cleared every single one of them as discovered this morning in fact. However when before I’d avoid dealing with them now I have the support from myself and others to let them come to the surface, air out and heal.
For many of us it is difficult to conceive that when we die we are merely passing over onto another life until we have learnt all the lessons we are here to learn. Planet earth is a school of learning and nature is the reflection of God and the universe is constantly reminding us all that we are more than we currently allow our selves to be.
Heather, it is beautiful to read that there can be acceptance and healing when our loved ones pass over and that it does not need to be the emotional rollercoaster that seems to be usual in society.
Well said Rebecca, there is sadness and grief but there is a beauty too to embrace in the process.
Knowing that there is so much more to life than the physical material life we can see, is truly supportive when it comes to dealing with grief and sadness that comes when losing someone we love. Much un- dealt with emotion and hurt can arise but if willing to look at it, much healing can result as well.
That is so true, if we see ourselves as purely physical it reduces the potential and the understanding of the cycles we live within, including life and death.
Sometimes I do wish that things could have been different prior to my parents passing and during their passing but having a picture of the perfect scenario doesn’t get us anywhere but stuck in regret, which is pointless. What I have come to know and accept is that we are in the perfect place at any given time with regards to our evolution and understanding, so how we act and react to these situations is all relative.
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.” A very inspiring line to read, and related really to every part of life. I am feeling inspired to look again at my life and where I can bring more love into my day.
Taking a moment to appreciate what we have in our life now and bringing love to any relationship we have hurts or regrets over is very healing. We cannot do-over, but we can bring understanding and let the regrets go.
Heather, it is very lovely to read that people close to us can pass away and that there does not need to be emotional turmoil around this – that there can instead be learning and acceptance.
Death to me is the ultimate surrender and having watched quite a few people die over a long period of time I can say that I have noticed there is a part of us that doesn’t want to let go of the control it has over the body and passing over can be a long drawn out unpleasant affair because of it.
We have to be honest and feel loss, sadness, regret and any other emotion if that is what we feel because denying the feelings buries the emotions to come up later potentially in a more complicated or dramatic way.
Its amazing how we can walk through these life events when emotions don’t take over. But even more importantly how we can be of true support to the person dying. So much that you can reflect back what is possible when we are dying.
This is a really beautiful article on the topic of death and grief. Very honest and reflective but very supportive. Death is the only certainty of life. It happens to us all and everyone we know. It has always happened. We have never not died. What I am observing about death is that it communicates to us everything about life and how we are living. Sometimes we don’t want to see that and sometimes we do. And that is all ok. Learning to sit in this space that is often emotional is not necessarily that easy, because it often brings things up for us too. That’s where honesty and a loving self-reflection comes in to support us as we all walk this path through death, whether as the dying person or as a witness.
Before my mother passed away nine years ago we had talked so much about our relationship and healed so many old hurts I was surprised by the lack of grief I felt. I knew about reincarnation and that supported me too. In contrast other family members who hadn’t healed old hurts were assuaged by grief – even a year on when we scattered her ashes. It’s so worth healing or we take our hurts around with us in our everyday
Death is the ultimate moment of surrender, a moment where we get to feel, if we allow it, the grandness that we are a part of and release the illusion of control. This is often a struggle which can be witnessed in the proces. If we learn to surrender during our life time the proces of death can be very easy and beautiful.
Indeed it is Carolien. What you have said about learning to surrender during life is the key. For this cannot happen if it is not understood and lived in our bodies before our death. Even as a witness to the death of another if we ourselves have an understanding of what surrender is and are committed to bring that in our own lives, this provides immense support to a person who is dying.
Yes, I have experienced this for myself. We can truly support another in passing over and we can do the same for the family and friends around them as for them it is a process of truly letting go too. I have seen how hard it is for someone to let go of life if their loved ones are clinging on to them. To offer another the space to truly let go and surrender (ie not wanting to hold on to them for ourselves) is a great gift of love.
Wow, I can really feel the beauty of what we surrender to in what you have shared here. To know this as a livingness from your body can support another to feel the livingness of it in theirs and would support the surrender process at the end of their life.
“It’s been quite interesting to note how other people in my life have responded to my bereavements with feelings of sympathy, making assumptions about how I must be feeling. ‘ I find this is very common around death just as the fact that the people left behind feel as if they need to feel a certain way to be a good partner, daughter etc. Many seem to feel they are not allowed to also feel the joy of one passing over and from the general attitude towards death people are imposing on others how they should feel.
Yes, despite me being the bereaved one I have found myself dealing with the tears and grief of others in response. Others assumptions about how they think we are feeling is fascinating to observe.
that’s another part to it Sue, there is still much for us to change when it comes to death and dying and the beliefs and emotions that surround it.
Death is perhaps the moment of life where we learn that we cannot control life (either if you are passing over or not). Surrendering is the only option.
This is a great topic to discuss. It feels like there’s a kind of ideal state we are wanting to find ourselves in when dealing with situations in life. On this plane of life we reside on, physical delineation is how we identify one another. It feels only natural to me to have emotional response to a loss of loved ones – whether we understand reincarnation to be true or not, it is a connection that we will no longer have in physicality. Knowing the truth of what we are is one thing, but accepting where we are right now and starting to take responsibility from that place is what supports us in bringing ourselves back to that truth of what we are in order for that to be the reality.
What a magical part of our inevitable cycle, the passing over. When we surrender to the process and are open to what is being presented to us, what choices we could make differently and embrace where we are the whole process becomes very beautiful. Even if we resist and fit it along the way that moment of our final breath from what I have seen it is impossible to surrender to who we truly are.
Irrespective of grief or any other emotions we may have we are whole and full of love.
I wonder if grieving is linked to regrets because if we live with deep appreciation and deep connection in all our relationships, would our grieving process be very different?
As much as we work on letting go of our attachments to things, people, relationships, we are in human bodies and so we feel, we hurt, we grieve, cry etc.. The more we build a steady foundation within, by building our connection to and with our bodies, the easier it is to stay and hold steady when situations come up for us to deal with, from our day to day, to life events. A foundation of steadiness and stillness we’ve connected to within ourselves gives us a reference point to come back to.
To practise – and potentially master – the art of surrender and letting go throughout your life, will stand us in good stead during the dying phases of our lives.
That is my sense Sarah. You can’t just turn things on an off, this is a daily practice and a commitment to building a relationship with what surrender feels like.
A deep and honest sharing Heather. Squashing down any emotion or ‘sweeping under the carpet’ as if it does not exist, is setting ourselves up for much pain and suffering in the long term. As you share – to observe grief (or other emotions) is to give permission to feel it, without being swamped and taken over by it and this is deeply healing and clearing of old ideals and beliefs.
Allowing ourselves to feel the depth of grief is surrendering the body to a deep level of healing that can allow us to then live with the knowing that we have felt the all.
To allow ourselves to simply feel what there is to feel without any concepts, ideals or pictures of how this should be or why it is, is a great part of what healing is about.
“Grieving for me has been a short period where I’ve been able to feel and observe old childhood hurts arise, and regrets about life not being different in terms of my relationship with my parents.” I had never considered grieving to be about past unresolved hurts and regrets but that makes sense, anything that has not been fully healed especially from our childhood can surface at anytime as a regret or in the case of death as grief, so the more we clear our past issues the less we will feel the need to hold onto grief or regret.
This makes so much sense Alison, and hence why it is so important to heal our hurts, otherwise we can easily live in regret and in the past where it keeps us away from living who we truly are.
Great point we can spend our whole life living in the past of one incidence that keeps us from letting go and moving on.
:…. recognising that they [hurts] are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, …..” Appreciating and understanding that hurts, illness and disease are not ‘us’ is the foundation and doorway for the opportunity of true healing to occur.
We are conditioned to identify with our hurts and yet they have nothing to do with who we are. Who we are remains untainted and whole at all times and the hurts are just layered on top of that clouding our otherwise easy and natural connection to our essence.
Heather, a refreshing take on the death and dying process, thank you.
To understand and know from the wisdom we hold from within that death is but a new beginning that life has no real end, it is a cycle that repeats each time giving us a new opportunity.
When someone close to you dies you may grieve losing the physical presence but the love you shared never dies.
This is true, we can always feel the essence of those who have passed over and continue to hold them in our hearts.
“I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go”. This is the grace that can occur when we give ourselves the space to heal.
Beautifully said Linda. To observe the dying and death of a loved one without attachment to their or our ‘personality self’ is to bring all of us to them. Only when we’re free of emotion can we truly connect and communicate with them.
Relationships are the heart of life. When we heal ourselves, it is much easier to resolve differences and tensions with others. We are offered many opportunities to do this in life and supports us to accompany loved ones at end of life and death.
There is no one way to respond to the death of a loved one. Even when we understand and accept the cycles of life and death, we can still feel a sense of loss when someone close to us dies. Observing these feeling as you did Heather is honest and allowed you to connect to what was there to be felt and then release them. Death can be deeply healing when related to in this way.
Grief is just a reminder that we have not given all of ourselves because when we are totally present and with ourselves there is absolutely nothing to grieve about.
So true Elizabeth, very well said and spot on. So, how do we get over grief once we are in it? Is it to let go of the past, live the fullness of who we are, be totally present with ourselves and appreciate what our situation is showing us?
That is beautiful Elizabeth, if we have given our all there will be a sense of settlement and completion.
I really get a sense of the steadiness and solid loving way that you have built a loving foundation in your daily life and how that then supported to you be able to observe and truly process and heal old hurts and regrets as they came up.
That unwavering love is timeless, and when we connect to it we realise how ancient it is…. well beyond a single lifetime it stretches out across our existence and reminds me that our soul and our spirit have been around a long time.
‘Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.’ The love is always there offering support but we are not always willing to choose the love and then we are played with, emotions can come in and thoughts come in that don’t assist us to feel steady and clear.
Yes there is no magic pill in dealing with death and dying that we can take and then suddenly feel untouched by it. But there is a way of living that will let us know who we are so we are not going on the rollercoaster of emotion but can feel what we are truly feeling about the situation without getting lost in it.
When we observe any emotion or reaction and bring understanding to why we felt it, it actually helps to break the pattern and thus heal the hurt of why we resort to it time after time again.
Very beautiful to feel that if we bring an openness to love to any situation or conversation, healing is always the offering, in order for us to embrace a deepening in love and the intelligence, wisdom and settlement that is available for us to live with.
Death and dying can trigger an outpouring of emotions that can feel challenging to deal with, and not lose ourselves in, if we haven’t developed a steady and very rock solid foundation within us. Very cool to read Heather how you had built this within yourself, and so were able to observe and learn from the feelings coming up around grief, and let it go.
Pain and grief when people pass over are often felt because of the investments in human life with which we have laced the relationship. If we choose te live life being the gods that we are then the passing over is actually a beautiful moment to celebrate because souls are moving on to a new life, the next step. What else do we want?
I feel that when someone passes over the grief that is felt is that we feel incomplete in some way and a sadness that maybe we could have done more or done things differently when they were alive. Could we have deepened the relationship not let hurts get in the way and be more open to be loving and supportive? I am learning that each person is on their own journey back to Soul and to not have any attachments to the choices they have made in life and make right up to the the time of passing over.
True Lucy, the grief we experience is a way of the body to heal old hurts, hurts that do not need to be held. Therefore the healing quality of grief needs to be appreciated more and never should we hold on to the grief as with that we interfere with this healing quality and too do not let go the hurts that otherwise could be released.
I can appreciate being with people around because of the unique expression they bring to the whole and to the relationship I have with them but it is natural that I cannot hold on to that as it is forever evolving and never the same. So when such a person we love deeply because of this connection passes over, it is not something to moan about but more so to celebrate for the next step in the cycle cycle they are advancing in, in this cycle of dying and birth we are in.
This is such an important part of life that we just do not commit to enough…”I had the opportunity with both of my parents to prepare for their passing.” It is important to prepare for the death of those around you, I did this with both of my nan and gran and it helped me and them so much it felt clean, complete and loving.
So true Samantha. We prepare in life for everything other than the thing that happens to us all. Preparation makes a huge difference on how we travel ourselves through death but how our loved ones travel through death and afterwards.
A great reminder that passing over can be a healing for the person who passes over and the ones around them — when they allow to let go of that which does not belong to the love of their hearts.
When we consider reincarnation as a given then we will always complete with another so nothing is left unsaid. When we have completion with another before their passing how can we judge the timing, as it is their soul who has delivered them to the next plan of life, so when they come back they will be prepared to deepen their understanding about life and death and the fact that we do reincarnate.
There is great love in this article as you allow yourself to see the cycle that your parents were on as simply coming to an end. In this you are allowing for your connection with them to never be lost and, for the lived shared experiences to never be forgotten as they add to the tapestry of the lives that you will all continue to have.
If we realised that everyone is in a cycle of their own choices over many lifetimes it takes away the more personal attachment to how we’ve needed something to be with them. It’s actually humbling as the experiences they have had have brought them to where they are in their incarnation. I’m just getting now that observing is honouring another being….not needing them to be any different.
When we continue to accumulate grief and other such emotions from the multitude of challenging experiences we have in life without working through them, it leaves them unresolved and as a burden that we carry. But as you shared Heather, Universal Medicine modalities and workshops are an awesome way to support us to heal and let go of this load.
The amazing thing is that when we make consistently loving choices it gives us a strong platform to stand on no matter what happens, extremely difficult situations can still occur but they are so much easier to deal with when we treat ourselves and others with the utmost care.
And we get to see that they are not actually extremely difficult situations, just another turn of the wheel, consequences of our actions, completion of a cycle.
Yeah, have you ever had a situation that was your worst nightmare and then realised that situation didn’t destroy you and it wasn’t actually as impossibly difficult as you thought it was – but actually made you a stronger and more loving and more amazing human being… Nothing is ever as bad as we think it is.
You have made some great suggestions about why we may fear death. We spend most of our life avoiding surrendering and becoming more and more invested in the things we have gathered in this life.
Dying is an art and science so it should be shared from a lived truth and this is what is so available now through the presentations by Serge Benhayon, When we understand this science then we will get a deeper understanding of how to live life responsibly, because we all need to evolve and lose the emotions from the current way we are passing-over.
This is such a beautiful blog even though we are discussing death, because with the honest sharing, there is so much wisdom shared, and is a blog to come back to every time we are feeling the need to stop and do a stock take of where we are and where we are going. And also taking the time to see if we are holding any investments or pictures of how things should be or look which mostly creates complication, and then we know we have to bring it back to simplicity and keeping life simple.
Heather such a deep blog that reminds us that life is all about relationships, we can get busy and pre occupied with all sorts of things that come up but ultimately life is about love and that love we share with others, your parents were very blessed to have such a loving reflection in their life.
Grief feels like a very natural thing especially as physically the person is no longer there with us. But what I have noticed makes it go on and really gets us is that we have not lived the fullness of who we are with that person, and so it is more about the regret of not being our all, rather than grieving the person. So essentially, yet again, we make it all about us rather than truly celebrating the person for who they are because the moment we do this then the grief subsides and no longer has a hold over us.
‘And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like’. I can relate to this. For a long time I was discontent with my family, but only because I was discontent with myself as I found life so hard. Having healed so many of my hurts, my life has transformed, and life is simpler with much more joy. The gift we give to ourselves is healing our hurts – and everyone benefits because our relationships improve, especially around family, because we have deepened the relationship with self.
There is so much gold in this blog, so much on offer for one to consider and ponder on. It is like this blog, and the subject of death, invites you to stop, and reassess your life and just be honest with how one is living. Do I still carry hurts from my past, and if so, how have they been influencing me? Do I have attachments and investments in relationships, at work, and hold pictures of how things should be or look? Am I living true to myself or am I busy pleasing others? Do I make life about connecting with others and letting them in, or do I keep myself to myself? Do I make life about love and learning all there is to be open to receiving and sharing love? How would I be feeling when death knocks on my door, would I have regrets, and if so what would they be? With awareness we can change so much in our life, so that when our time comes, we can let go, and surrender to our next cycle.
Death is one of those things that bring up hind sight, moments where we question why we were not living all of us while one was alive.
It sure does Kim it is and can be a great stop moment to re-evaluate the way we are and have been living.
So much comes up for us to see and feel when we have a loved one passing over, when we are open to go deeper with the emotions that we are feeling at the time and allow whatever is there to come up so much healing is then on offer to us.
In letting go of my parents as they are grow older and also getting sick(er) I have learned how important it is to be aware that I have given them ‘my all’. I express regularly in various ways how much I love and appreciate them and I reflect by my way of living also the truth of how we can live life on earth and all of this is enough, nothing more needed.
It’s interesting that the thing we regret most when people die is that we weren’t closer, or things weren’t always great or we held back on how much we love them – or whatever it may be, but this really makes life simple now, if we give it everything and we give all our relationships everything then there’s nothing we need to regret.
It shows how powerful observation and our experiences can be when we learn from them. Regret keeps us stagnant in our past ill choices whereas learning from them supports us to live in a more loving way.
Yeh true, I still find it easier to say than do, but our willingness to be fresh with learning and to not hold ourselves in the past or whatever we’ve done is a crucial part of our well-being and development – otherwise by holding onto things we can inwardly destroy ourselves.
What you offer here is very powerful. I too have a deep knowing that there is so much more to us than we live on this earth and that death is actually more like birth and going home. But we are here to embrace the relationships in our lives and learn from the reflections they offer. Thank you for this reminder.
Beautifully expressed Heather. I am understanding more and more it is never regretting how loved ones (or anyone) has lived or not lived but more about living our truth and love, being all that we are without perfection and letting people feel this from us. Then they receive a reflection that there is a different way which I am sure your parents received from you ✨
Well said Vicky, very true we simply only need to live the love that we are and then everything else takes care of itself.
People can assume a lot of things about how another is feeling over a bereavement or other life event. When I’ve been presented with such assumptions I have paused, it’s been like an open invitation to really go for some big emotions that, when I’ve checked in with myself I know aren’t there. At other times there have been feelings but for reasons that another may not understand. Either way, feeling whatever is there to feel is part of healing and the assumptions I’ve found unhelpful – though they may be well meaning, they seem to come with an element of you should be feeling this and if you’re not, well then I’m not quite sure about you. I’m coming to understand that life is about trusting myself, even if it’s not the assumed norm.
This is a beautiful sharing on death and also surrender and it highlights something of how death is the ultimate surrender and how as we prepare to go we’re asked to let go and give up the control we’ve often clung to in life. This can be graceful or something we resist and in fact we can look at life through this lens too, allowing ourselves to surrender to life and let go any idea / pictures we may have of how things should be … I can feel the grace offered in this process for all of us.
Death of a close family member is always a hard emotional event and as you said Monica it does allow us the ultimate surrender. The surrender is healing, but if we choose, it can be a trap we can choose to wallow in.
” Through observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control. ”
This is so wonderful that you took the opportunity to let go of control and surrender to the healing that the death of your parents brought thank you for sharing.
This puts us on notice that it is worth attending to anything that crops up in the moment rather than leaving things and then later regretting.
I was wondering if our anxieties around death and dying stem from our regrets of what we have not lived? If we live with a full acceptance of our choices, knowing we have lived to the full and given everything we have in terms of love, commitment and support to ourselves and to others then, when our time comes to pass over, surely there would be a feeling of fulfilment, surrender and acceptance?
If only we saw death as it is- the end of one cycle and the beginning of a new cycle- we would not be afraid rather we would look forward to the new beginning and what it may bring.
A person I know who works closely with the dying has told me exactly this Rachel, that it is not that people are afraid to die but that their anxiety and un settlement in their bodies come from the regret they feel about how they have lived their life.
Yes absolutely, it is so much about us! We have regrets of what we haven’t done, said, lived and therefore we have an opportunity to bring that awareness into activity and ensure we live in full, ourselves in full, with everyone we come into contact with – our human family!
Yes, I keep expecting the phone call about a close relative who is in his mid-80s going to the next stage.
Me too, Christoph. One thing I find difficult at funerals is the outpour of grief – it’s not that I don’t want to see everyone, it’s handling the emotions of others that I find challenging. To me death and dying have always been natural and what we do. It has been a while since my last funeral, so maybe things will be different now.
” I find myself feeling sadness for some of the choices they made while they were here – how I would have liked things to be different for them, and how I would have liked us all, as a family, to be closer. And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like. ”
This is a huge learning for truly there is no family, as the ideal of family is to put someone before that of another. This will never be true.
( Of course there is still the fact of father and mother in the biological sense )
So many of us live in a way that we hold back our love for others and don’t fully express, instead living to not get hurt but ultimately this is the thing that hurts and devastates us the most.
Not expressing love hurts us at the moment we are not doing it.
Experiencing grief in this way shows me that there is a deeply healing quality on offer through the process if it is allowed to pass through. Its when we get attached to our grief and let it overwhelm us that it hangs around, holding our emotions close to us so we are unable to let go.
Yes and having the opportunity to address conversations and any practical aspects that need addressing means we find that process easier, or can I say simpler.
This is a beautiful sharing on the subject of death and it’s very needed as death is something we all face and yet we deeply avoid, it is indeed the ultimate surrender and I know for me that’s part of it, can I let go, am I willing to let go, and then of course that can apply in all aspects of my life, am I willing to let go what is no longer required. Death is the ultimate surrender, and how do we surrender now in life with those things that need to die?
We know that many of the ideas we live with just aren’t true. Yet still they have a way of affecting and owning us. That’s because what has to die is every last investment we have in these lies. The way we water down the Love we feel in our heart to accomodate what we call every day life, kills us inside. Thank you Heather for highlighting to me just what I’ll regret if I entertain false ideas.
Is this really fear that we experience as we approach death or is it an anxiety for not having a clear idea of what happens during the process of dying and after the event and how we will manage it? And is there also anxiety about what and whom we are leaving behind and how they are going to continue ?
It is interesting to look a bit deeper to why in general people fear death. Is this fear true or is it just from our idea that we are in control of our life, the mental idea that tries to withhold us from surrendering to the grander cycles we undeniably are part of?
It has been more than 4 years since my sister passed and every now and then my mother and I talk about her and her life, and over the years, our grief and regret are getting replaced by understanding and healing, and I guess this is an ongoing process as we see ourselves unrelated to the choices she made in her life and all the interactivities that those who remaining are still here being afforded as opportunities for deeper learning.
This is a huge topic, thank you for sharing your experiences with it.
Heather this is so supportive to anyone who has lost or is losing a loved one. Your honest blog is refreshing to read. I loved hearing how you live daily supports you in these times. When we have a foundation based on love it allows us to heal and deal with what may come our way.
‘Putting one’s ‘beliefs’ aside, it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life. Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events.’ I too feel that surrender is super important, that is, surrender to the true beauty and power that we truly are, and our stage in the cycle of life.
I can sense that too Jenny, that surrendering to the grander cycles of life is super important and therefore it will be wise to explore this more in our every days lives and to not wait until the moment comes we truly have to surrender and move on to another cycle of death and birth to go.
I am more and more aware of how very important it is to prepare for dying and to not leave it to chance as well as living my life in full to my very last breath.
The passing of loved ones seems to affect everyone in a different way, depending on their beliefs and foundation. Whenever I consider a major life event actually happening to me, knowing that I have the support of the Universal Medicine team with me is such a confirmation. This team of people know how to love and support without sympathy. The light and power they live and move reminds me of the power that dwells within.
It is so important to break the pictures about death and dying. That beginning and end feeling keeps us as mankind in the illusion of linear life instead of the spherical vastness that is all around us.
I wonder how I would feel and be when someone close to me is dying. Death is a topic where true reflections are needed as the picture that we are offered now is one where there is grief and sadness—but is this the truth to the clearing and dissolution of the physical body that death truly brings?
The grieving process, when done in truth, can offer a great deal of healing.
We can become consumed by grief so it is awesome that you honoured yourself feeling a sadness but observed this instead of identifying with it and absorbing it which is a poison to the body and ourselves.
When someone close to us passes over most of us want to bury ourselves in the sand and get back to life as soon as possible but when we choose this way of being we miss out on valuable healing for ourselves and others. Whatever comes up for us during the death of a loved one it comes up for a purpose and we can either ignore and pretend it is not there or we can embrace all that has been offered and heal.
I agree Heather that having an opportunity to heal any old wounds and differences before our Parents or others pass is also a healing for ourselves and helps in the grieving process.
Such a beautiful sharing Heather, your wisdom and understanding around the dying process is inspiring and deeply healing to read.
Sometimes we have a picture of how we will be when a loved one is due to pass over, and the picture may involve us being distraught, very sad for a long time or even depressed. What I have found is that none of my pictures played out as expected and I took everything in my stride; yes there were moments of feeling the loss of someone not physically in our lives anymore but on the whole, the days after the passing of my mother and father were nothing like I had imagined.
Reading this article brings me to the moment my Grandmothers body was lowered into her grave. There were songs playing that she dearly loved and whilst there was the sense of grief and loss there was also great joy in remembering the beauty of the essence that was my Grandmother and to be honest I found myself doing a little jig to the music. It is quite a sad affair that funerals are looked upon as moments to grieve loved ones and the many and differing feelings that we feel during these times are pushed down to oblige with the general belief of others. This subject really is a great conversation to have, one that has been needed for a very long time.
We can have so many pictures of how we think life should be and how we should be with people and them with us, and there’s a letting go for all of us in this which the dying process really highlights (the ultimate surrender for those watching and those dying) – we are asked to see where we’ve been attached and to let go and grief may be part of that … it’s like everyone involved is offered an opportunity to let go and heal any old hurts.
I can feel the foundation that you are building for yourself Heather and I am inspired to continue to do the same.
The more we talk openly about death, the more we can see it as part of the natural cycle we all go through.
In society no one really talks about dying- I experienced this when my mother died. There is this reluctance in being direct and ask about the circumstances. It needs to become as natural as possible, as it is nothing unnatural . The more it becomes everyday talk about the truth, it looses this unspoken scariness.
We can always hold someone we love in our heart and then we are one with them.
It is natural to grieve the passing of someone you love, as although we understand that death is never the end but rather a completion of a cycle and the being lives on, we are still saying goodbye to the person who we knew, loved and shared our live with in physical form.
There is something very precious about these times when family members or close friends die. It is lovely to see family sharing time talking around a bed where someone is dying and observing where everyone is all at.
The words ‘unfamiliarity of surrender’ really stuck out for me in this blog. We love to hold onto our creation in life, many of us having an unwillingness to surrender what we have invested in (our creation). The more we surrender to the grandness we are from the easier it is to surrender our creation. We begin to feel that this divine grandness far out weighs the creation we have so prided ourselves on for many lives.
When we misinterpret surrender to mean “giving up or giving in” then we are going to fight death but when we understand surrender to be obedience to a divine plan then we do not have a problem with death.
There is so much we need to claim back as our living way, as there is so much that has been lost and given up on.
It is interesting how our attachments to the pictures of how we want life to be or need it to be are all part of the grief and regret we feel when someone close to us is passing over but when we consider karma, what we have come here to clear and our own choices we can do away with the need for it to be any different to what it actually is.
The way we live today is well worth a few tears. We rush through each day to the next, to get to some far off nirvana state. Like a dodgy deal we have been sold, we feel badly ripped off when we are old. But the sad truth is that it’s us who sold ourselves out. We all know deep inside that true joy is not a future state but a kind of connection we can choose any day. It’s a menu item that’s fallen off so we forgot it’s there. It’s high time we realised and put it back on the list. Thank you Heather for sharing this.
I like your comment Joseph. If we live each day joyfully, there will be no regrets when it comes to our death and no feeling of being ripped off when we are old. The joy is not out there, but within and we can choose that every day.
Very beautifully said Joseph. And all along there is another way to live, a way that is ‘led’ for want of a better word by the connection within that we hold and know – and that way of living is so joyful and so grand, that there are still tears sometimes shed, because of the sheer magnificence of it all.
When the foundation is strong, big life events (like the passing of your parents) is not the cataclysm that is so often portrayed. Instead of feeling like you have lost something inside (which is not really what happens and that is where the foundation comes in), you can observe the passing of one set of circumstances and the arrival of a new set.
‘This shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ I think it would be safe to say that most of us have an image of how we want our family life to be and when reality doesn’t match up we become hurt and disappointed. Yet, if we let go of the pictures and kept it real perhaps our family dynamics would change and improve?
Each time someone in my life has passed away I get a feeling of sadness around love that was not expressed or that was held back, it is always an opportunity to reflect on all of my relationships and a moment to see the importance of every interaction and not holding back how much we love and enjoy others.
In letting go of our attachment to the physical presence of someone we are free to feel the love that you shared.
‘Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.’ This is very true and beautiful. I know that the biggest fear I’ve had around death is regret but this dissolves when I know that I can be honest about my choices and understanding and loving with myself over them. It’s also an impetus to be loving in my day and not delay with this.
What feels key in this sharing is to not deny any feelings of grief, but to allow them to surface and discover what we have hung onto emotionally that sits very precisely behind the grief. There can be true beauty and grace in the process of grief.
“Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.” Deeply inspiring Heather, it is indeed incredible how steady we can become when we are willing to commit to the truth of what we feel and from there make choices that support us and consequently everyone else, on every level.
I notice the big difference between believing in reincarnation and simply knowing it from your body. I find believers are open to ideals and beliefs around reincarnation and tend to pick and choose the bits they like. Knowing seems to bring a more rounded perspective of the cycle of life and what we are learning through these cycles.
And it gives a commitment to make different choices and to be honest about what we have chosen, what our hurts are and to let go and heal what our body and situations in life, like death of loved ones, bring to us.
It is so true that how we live and how we are can support us so strongly in life – particularly in heavy situations. This is such an important key to how we view grief, and how we deal with it.
The Way of Livingness brings such a deep understanding of life, and a steadiness in which to live from in it. It is available to all of us if we so choose. And your blog is a stunning example of what can happen when you do. No perfection, an honest account of life.
There is also a great pause for appreciation of the passing of a loved one and the learning and understanding of their lives and experiences offered and how in it is a constant flow on of a life lived and then a celebration of a new beginning too.
Knowing that when someone passes that it is the not only the end of an old cycle but the beginning of a new cycle is a beautiful thing that allows you to actually enjoy and embrace your last moments with them. I remember as a child my Grandmother passed over but I was not fully equip to deal with it. I was so young and I just ended up sponging up the emotions of other until I was hysterically sad, I was crying nonstop and remember leaving school one day because of it. It didn’t make sense as I was not that close to my Grandmother, nor did I have a specific bond with her. I just did what I thought I was supposed to do, tap into my emotions. In truth though, they were not mine but other people un-dealt with grieving, that was floating around. I didn’t feel like I fully embraced or said goodbye to my Grandma because of this. Since studying with Universal Medicine I am feeling really settled with the dying process but I look forward to exploring it more and preparing in a way that truly nurtures myself and others to pass with grace, dignity but most importantly, to pass in a way that prepares them or myself for the next round.
Allowing ourselves to go through the grieving process when someone close to us has passed over is a loving thing to do because if we bury it and pretend it is not there, we become affected by it which potentially leads to hurting ourselves and others from avoiding healing.
When we deal with our hurts and understand the truth of death and passing over, grief is but a relatively short natural reaction of the body and not a prolonged period of turmoil based on unresolved issues and the seeking of sympathy.
Even when our parents die we still need to resolve our issues with them. If an issue is held by us it may not disappear with their passing.
Absolutely Christoph, the hurt still lives within us and does not die with the deceased.
There is a great settlement we can feel when we understand that we are part of a great and unending cycle of life of which ‘death’ is a moment within this that allows us to surrender the form we are in, back into the formlessness we are from until the time is right to reincarnate and begin it all again. That said, while it is the same spirit returning to a new body, the personality is dissolved upon the previous passing over. This is the very human bit – the specific character traits of the person that we have known and loved that we find it difficult to let go of and indeed it is this human bit that we miss, knowing that we will never see or touch again that person as we have known them to be in this life. This is something we all must face and so it is ok to miss them at this level for it is part of our humanness to do so while maintaining the understanding that we are forever connected through the undying bond of our love. If we disconnect from this love then we will feel the ache of such separation and mistake it as grief for the seeming ‘loss’ of another.
Yes Lianne, we see incredible rates of illness and disease today – but what if they stem in a large part from this ‘wrong-knowing’ we have about death? How ironic that it’s become feared when it is a foundational part of clearing all the mishaps and junk we picked up along the way. Some of us convince ourselves it’s a ‘good thing’ but I wonder what our world would be like if we approached death truly as the huge healing it is?
“Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.” Beautiful Heather – and so different from the experience that many mourners have, as I witnessed this week at the funeral of a young man. I too felt my strong foundation that gave me the grace to hold others in their grief.
Recognising our hurts and at the same time seeing that they do not define us nor belong to our essence in truth helps us to process and heal them, to see what the learning is for us and to let the hurt go.
When someone passes over the grief can be overwhelming, feeling that we have lost someone close to us. Knowing that death is not the end and that we come back again in a different body is actually very healing but for many re-incarnation is still not accepted as a possibility.
Death is a moment of truth for both those who pass over and those that survive them.
Very true Eduardo. So much insight into life, death and life once again can be gained during this process.
I love those moments where we give ourselves the opportunity to deeply reflect on life and the death of those close to us is such a moment. If we use those moments wisely we can develop greater awareness about life, each other and ourselves.
Spoken by an expert on working with people dying. Thank you, Elizabeth.
“By not becoming identified or absorbed by it” These few words feel very powerful. Often when we have strong emotions we become consumed by it – we identify ourselves as it, and then absorb it. This wreaks havoc on our bodies. It is a wise move to see how we can become not identified nor absorb. The Way of the Livingness is a good start. http://www.unimedliving.com/the-way-of-the-livingness
What you are sharing is here is very healing. To choose to not be identified or absorbed by grief allows healing – seeing old patterns and hurts and letting them go. It’s super supportive to read and applies to all emotions and energies that are not love – allowing oneself to feel they are not who we are and have no place unless we choose for them to do so.
Grief can be a strong emotion for sure but in my experience it has been something that helped me to process hurts and let go of the person who had passed. Sympathy on the other hand is truly awful to feel and can trap us in a cycle of grief by not letting it pass through our body. Sympathy pushes it back into us so it has nowhere to go but to recycle itself back around our our body – causing havoc and magnifying itself with every move we make. It’s an absolutely selfish expression that only serves the sympathiser by making them feel better about themselves.
I appreciate just how much the teachings of Serge Benhayon of the Ancient Wisdom and the truth of reincarnation have changed my perception of death. I have always felt there was more than just one chance at life and to know the truth of this makes sense in so many ways. It also helps to heal the loss of family and friends and those closest to us.
It is interesting to see that in general we tend to make death something very emotional and can hold on to it for quite some time. There are even religious traditions that tell you to grieve for one year or so and to wear black or a black band on your arm. How far from the truth this is, as we all live in a cycle of life and death and we continue to do so until we have found our way out of this and are taken out of this cycle. when we consider this aspect of dying, that it is an ending of a life but also a beginning of a new life, why should we grieve that long. Of course there is the grief of missing someone in your life, but knowing that they just move on to another life makes it so different, can feel joyous even.
From a very early age I always knew that death was not what happened around me when someone passed away. I didn’t understand the sadness and the sense of loss of people. When now adult I sometimes got involved in those emotions that made me feel separeted from the dead person, but whenever I come back to my heart and my body, I return to the knowing that death doesn’t truly exist.
Some societies in today’s world are very accepting of the inevitability of death. But on the other hand many aren’t, and we cannot deny it creates much stress on everyone involved when we don’t prepare ourselves and others for it.
It is only through surrendering that we get to know how supported we are in life and in the process of passing over where there is no need for control or hold onto life as we are in a healiing process for our soul to return back to our next cycle of life.
Heather a deeply supportive blog for us all, your reflections and observations on this matter are insightful and inspire healing in another – thank you for sharing.
Reading this today I can see the connection with having issues with surrendering during life and how that then will of course present as a reflection when we are dying. I can see how some family members who have passed on weren’t able to surrender to the process of dying and the pain in their faces from that.
Every difficult situation in life offers the opportunity to heal, develop and evolve… this is a beautiful example of exactly that.
Absolutely there is a an abundance of true support available to each and every one of us. It is our responsibility to accept this fact and to connect to our inner-most truth.
Being able to really allow yourself to feel hurts, it is so important for healing. When we push it away and not allow ourselves to feel, we bottle it up and it ends up in our bodies. This can then have longer term impacts on the body, later presenting as illness or diseases.
It is very revealing in what is shared here in that grief is essentially our own sadness and regrets in life. That we had not maybe made our relationship with those passed to be the relationship we deep down knew it had the potential to be. Something I shall deeply ponder upon and as such, open my heart even more to those in my life.
Death and dying confronts us with all sorts of things, including our childhood hurts. When they surface it is so important to be honest about them because if we don’t and instead bury them then we are even more at the mercy of them. The beautiful thing about death and dying is that it can bring deep self-reflection and an opportunity to make different choices in our lives.
A very powerful blog thank you Heather; what you have shared here is inspirational. I love how you are now appreciative of the love and support you offer to yourself and others;
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it”.
I wonder, would we experience greif if we lived in our essence from day one through to our last breath? We would most likely view death or losing our loved ones in a very different light.
It feels important that you have claimed your knowing of reincarnation as a fact. Critics/sceptics would argue that people who believe in reincarnation need to, in order to find some form of comfort. I have also had this knowing all my life/lives and it has nothing to do with comfort. It makes sense since everything is a part of small and large cycles. Why would we be exempt from that? I find people who don’t believe in reincarnation are the ones seeking comfort. It can be seen as a relief or reward, to die and kick back in heaven forever more. We are here to learn, grow and pull each other out of the illusions we are living in.
A natural passing over and grieving for these people is very different process to the horror, shock and trauma of someone choosing suicide.
When I was in my teens I could not even image what life would be like without my parents and often wondered how I would cope and how much I would miss them, but when the time came it was the most natural thing I had ever experienced. I felt strong throughout the whole process and just knew exactly how to support them and other members of my family.
When I was young I had a picture of what I wanted family life to be and compared it to my friends family’s and so family life never lived up to my expectations and there was always a longing for it to be different. It is only in the last few years that I have accepted that if I wanted my relationship with my family to change it is up to me to change how I view family life, and that expectations have no value and change nothing. Letting go of all expectations and old hurts has meant that every time I meet my family I meet them for who they are and not the loaded expectations of how I would like them to be. This allows them to be free and it is interesting to see how our relationship has changed. I appreciate the grace I still have with my mother to build a relationship based on love and not old hurts, it is amazing how powerful this can be.
I have had many family members pass over particularly when I was quite young and I always remember adults telling me to be strong and brave . This confused me greatly because I felt quite sad at the time but was told not to show how I really felt. What I have learned from these experiences is that it is so very healing to allow people the space to feel what is coming up for them and to note that death can be a celebration time of one’s life moving into another cycle and beginning anew.
Loved reading this, you sharing your truth about the healing that grief brings is very powerfull and for us all to see that grief is a part of the process of letting go of the physical being of a loved one passed. It is for us to allow ourselves to feel that which is in the way, and what we can let go.
I agree Benkt it is a process of healing when we experience greif. But when we truly let go, accept and surrender it could be a great reflection for people around us, as they can feel the stillness we emanate.
Beautiful to read your honest sharing Heather and to feel how you have build a solid foundation of love which made it possible for you to not identify with what was coming up after the death of your parents, observing your own emotions but also what was coming towards you in forms of sympathy. The topic of death, dying and grief is there for everyone and surrender to what we are here for is an important part of getting clarity on these subjects in our lives.
One of the truly extraordinary and yet so subtle gifts that Universal Medicine brings to humanity (one of the many!) is the wisdom of the energetic truth of the rhythm of our lives, of living and dying , of re-birth and death , of karma and responsibility, and with this awareness comes a far-reaching liberation from what entraps so may people.
The loving foundation you speak of is so important Heather. Without it we are at the mercy of the emotions. With it we can feel them, observe them and let them pass. A huge difference and one that gives us the choice to be empowered if we choose.
How different Rebecca to what so many of us have experienced in the past and have been around. Like in life we can impose on each other with our emotions and needs and how that can stunt our growth, so too when we are dying. So important to look at our attachments to the other person in life and in death. It is such a big topic that I can’t say exactly how I would feel or be when close family members pass away but I do have so much more understanding and awareness now around death than I have ever had in this life before that will support me and those around me.
Such a beautiful tender story heather, thank you for sharing your vulnerability, experience, love and wisdom. There is no doubt that a lot comes up for us when people close to us pass over. Feelings of hurt and pain are inevitable; but not sustained or debilitating; the loving circle of life flows on.
For many death is seen as the end of a life and can be quite confronting and emotional. When we build a solid foundation for which we feel and move our body we can remain more observant to the situations we are faced with, including the passing of friends or family. When we are more observant of situations and not overcome by the emotions, beliefs and images that come our way, we are able to be more clear and not become overwhelmed or stressed when life shifts and changes.
I love that in the awareness of the emotions that rose in you, you allowed the space to see the truth of what was true or not within the relationships and let go and heal what you needed to from the reflection that was offered. This is a truly beautiful way to move through life regardless of the circumstances or who is involved.
Absolutely – in the knowing that everything is an opportunity to learn and to grow, to heal what is not of truth and to confirm all that we divinely are.
I’m realising more and more that the pain, regret and grief that we experience around death is actually so much about life itself – knowing we have lived a measured life where we have not expressed in full the love that we feel for those around us. Hence there is no completion, so much is left unsaid and that person who passes doesn’t get to feel the depth of love we hold them in, and this is a regret so many in society carry. Express our love in full, cherish every day in the fullness of what it is offering us, and death is then the natural graceful passing onto the next cycle.
Having a strong foundation is imperative if we are to withstand the things that we all experience in life. This foundation needs to be built on self-care and self-love and a deep commitment to honouring our body and our being.
I am really sitting with the fact the hurts we feel in childhood sometimes only surface after the person has passed and it is twofold for me. There is the fact the hurt cannot be talked about with the other person any more but also it is like the energetic thread that held it in place have been let go of as well and there is now space to feel it.
One of the most beautiful gifts that Universal Medicine offers in it’s teachings, is to observe life and not absorb it. With observation true learning is on offer, we get to feel that we are part of a much grander existence and our life becomes a forever expansion.
Traditionally death is a sad topic for us to consider, and at best makes us inspired for a moment to make ‘the best’ of the time we perceive we have left. When you know in yourself that we reincarnate, you might think that this takes the grief away. But this does not seem to be the case, for we still need to face the truth of our choices, and those of others too and all the moments they chose not to evolve and neither did you. What I hear in what you share Heather, is that without feeling the true consequences of our acts, we simply come back and do them again. And so there is no death or end to the disharmony, when if we felt it, there truly could be.
Thank you Heather, it’s very powerful how you describe recognising that the hurts were not you, just something you had taken on and by not identifying with them as they came up you could truly observe what was there to heal and let go of.
The feelings of your parents passing over are quite common. There is often sadness, grief and perhaps regret about the quality of the persons life, the choices they have made but also our part in this. It is a very honest time where we realise where hurts and grudges may have been held long past their due date or where love has not been expressed in full. What is different is understanding that the grief and honesty offers a huge opportunity for healing and letting go of old hurts and patterns.
I have found that grief does surface and that tears do come. Knowing that death is part of life and the beginning of another cycle does not stop it from happening. But the tears and the grief are just that, expressions from the body over losing people who were so very much a part of our life. But it doesn’t last long and will not descend into prolonged states of sadness, anxiety and entrenched grief, depression even.
‘Or maybe it’s the fear of what’s next and/or the attachment to the life we’ve created and know, never having acknowledged or appreciated that we are so much more than just our individuated physical existence.’ That is truth.. And so well said. At the same time this sentence deeply resonates, as I acknowledged I just got the same investment in life – as I preferred having a comfortable life , instead of one of true awareness, being present and truthfull in my every way.. I learned that the same commitment I have made to be invested in life, emotions and illusions ; this same effort I can now put in to living truth and awareness in all parts of my life. Now I am interested to know what intelligence will rise from that form of living.. I am up for it, I choose to be committed to surrender myself into ~Soul.
Controlling our lives to the very end – is this why so many people cling to their possessions and homes which are far too big and too much work to look after? Approaching the end of one’s life is a process of letting go and it can go hand in hand with being fully involved and pro-active in whatever way that is possible. But control and authority are two very different things. One is fear based and the other is power.
Why is ‘real fun’ an anagram for funeral? Could it be that is the way it should be, a celebration! Or, do we look at the cup as half empty and see them as Not real fun at all? Then there are those that enjoy dangerous sports that they think are real fun…
When people are passing over there is a lot that comes up for us to look at, how we have lived, how much love we have expressed, things that we have held onto etc. It is like we are given a period of grace to really look at, reflect on and choose what is important to us.
It is so clear from reading your very honest blog Heather that the foundation you had built with your understanding of life and death supported you steadily after the passing of your parents; a time that would test any of our foundations. But the way you all prepared for the end of their lives ensured that as much healing as possible would take place beforehand, leaving little to wobble this foundation. How amazing it would be if everyone who was facing the end of their life, and those around them, were able to share so openly and honestly and to prepare all that was necessary, leaving nothing incomplete.
Thanks Heather it was very supportive reading about your journey understanding your childhood and other hurts, attachments and control relating to the grief you felt. I can relate, I’ve felt myself hanging onto how I wanted life to have been different instead of being in the present moment and with my essence, and how it related to my grief.
Thank you Heather for sharing a beautiful experience of your parents passing, by allowing yourself to feel the grief and come to an understanding of the childhood hurts that needed to be healed. all supported by your foundation of love that you have built for yourself.
The honesty to feel what we feel, including deep grief and sadness is essential, and to add to that a knowing that sometimes our sadness, or for that matter anger or frustration comes from pictures we have about how life is or should be that simply aren’t true.
I am seeing that more and more Heather, the pictures that we hold ourselves to and others to that actually stop us from having a relationship with ourselves, others or indeed life in an uncluttered way. It brings in so much hurt, sadness, resentment bitterness even outright anger.
Your words ring like a bell in the darkness Heather. I am reading this blog in the preparation of attending a funeral of a suicide. There is not so much grief, but sadness in knowing they will be coming back in the same energy as they have left in! And Yes, I had held a picture of them conquering their demons this time around.
I can relate to the anger and the sadness you speak of Heather, and even though I had read that there are stages to grieving I had not felt the anger in myself until a recent death in the family. But it makes sense that if we hold onto a picture of the way we think life should be and that picture gets smashed, then we will feel angry.
In my situation I woke with a tight right jaw and asked myself what could I have got angry about the previous day, and then I realised I was angry at the sudden death of this family member, but once I had acknowledged the anger out loud and expressed this to my family members, the next day the sadness came up.
The levels of grief that we go through is so paramount in our healing. When we stop our natural expression and the fragility we are stopping our innate ability to feel what is no longer supporting us and the pictures that we have carried for many years.
Thank you Heather, I often wonder if, even though I know death to be a transitional phase and for me a feeling of going home, I often wonder how I will feel when my parent pass over and have held a picture of what that grief looks and feels like. I can see the pull to anticipate pain and sorrow which means I can see I still have much to learn about trusting in the relationship I have here and now, not living to a picture. This article has been good to read to bring that up.
I can relate to that Heather, to the grief we can feel when someone is passing over. To me it is about allowing myself to feel the love and care for one another that I have missed in this relationship that is bringing up that feeling of grief and is actually not emotional at all. Just to allow that deep connection with that inner feeling that I simply have missed that important aspect that is so essential to our being, for me is a grace to become aware of.
It is interesting to observe death and grief my father passed away 2 and half years ago now and I find myself feeling the loss of his physical presence more than before and noticing his absence at marked occasions. I feel him more as child recently than an adult and how sweet he was and how he wasn’t really ever allowed to show that aspect of himself due to the pressures on men to be a certain way in the culture we grew up in. I do miss him, and that’s a shame as I wasn’t so attentive when he was alive and available to be connected with.
This is very beautiful, Heather. Having an image of how we should be handling situations and judging ourselves as failure totally robs us of an opportunity being offered to heal – which where I feel I trapped myself at when a close relative passed a few years ago.
A very powerful sharing Heather. It is very true that grief offers us the opportunity to heal in many ways if we are willing to be honest and self-reflective. For it can reveal how have chosen to be less than the fullness of who we are and with the ones that have passed, the hurts and protection we may be harbouring and opportunities we allowed to pass by without expressing what we truly feel with each other. Such is the sadness that presents of the missed opportunities of love not lived together, yet never without the hand of love forever holding and guiding us to learn, let go, lighten up and deepen our relationship with the love we are here to live.
Beautiful Heather. Someone close to me passed over recently and I was amazed at how steady I felt. Some grief did come up but it was not all consuming as I know it would have been a few years ago. Your blog reminds me to appreciate how far I’ve come and how amazing the truth of life and death is.
Through the Teachings of The Ancient Wisdom, we understand the importance of letting go of and healing our own hurts as it is only until then that we can complete things with others and commence a new cycle in our evolution towards soul.
When we build a solid foundation based on love and truth then no matter what happens in life we are able to deal with it.
Thanks heather. From what I can observe – grief can really take over when someone dies. But if we have the oppportunity to express what is there to be shared and be all of us in the moments we are with them, is it possible that would support no grief after they are gone. I have the opportunity to prepare for a family member passing over – and I can feel how being present with them and talking with them about whatever comes up has been very healing. I love the time we have together and that is what I will remember.
It’s interesting to observe that for many, reflecting on the hurts and imprints we carry from childhood might not occur until our parents pass over. If we can get a head-start by examining our hurts and imprints much earlier, we’d be able to offer our parents (and siblings) a much greater quality of support during the dying process –not to mention everyone we interact with, and ourselves.
“when we’ve spent the best part of our lives seemingly being in control of ourselves, our lives and events, here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.” This is a massive challenge – so much regret about what we could have, should have said and done. This shares with me the importance of expanding how we view our lives and our purpose here. If we even consider for a moment we might have these regrets – then do something about deepening the connection we have to ourselves and then share that in connection and relationship with others now. Why wait?
The only way we can go through a process of truly accepting the passing of someone like a close family member is through healing the hurts we have from past experiences with them.
This is something this is coming up for me at the moment that is ‘pictures’ I have around life and what it should be or look like, even though I know the ‘pictures’ are not true I can feel how ingrained in my body they have been ‘And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’
Understanding the cycle of life and rebirth – reincarnation – is not (as so many think or believe) about assuaging a fear of dying by focusing on a ‘glorious afterlife’ but an ultimate understanding of why we are where we are and the responsibility that entails.
Many see the passing of loved ones as the end but to know that it is another part of our life cycle and the moving into another gives us the opportunity to celebrate the end of one life and the beginning of another. Giving us more opportunities to love and appreciate life and how we in turn choose to live it.
I did some disaster recovery work after a Cyclone and I saw so clearly the difference between those that prepared for the cyclone and those that did not. The difference in the recovery time was phenomenal – those that were prepared, bounced back so much quicker.
When I read this line – “I’ve also got to feel that how I live, and the loving and supportive choices I make for myself each day, have created a strong foundation which supports me to deal with these kinds of emotions and events” – I was reminded of the disaster work and connected the two.
When we ‘prepare for life’ by building a solid foundation of self-love, care and responsibility, we are then in turn, much more prepared for life and can hold steady and not be at the mercy of what happens to us.
And I might add, the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom as Serge Benhayon presents through Universal Medicine have been instrumental in supporting an approach to life that allows this richness to be accessed.
There is always so much to be learnt from situations we find ourselves in… for most this sort of scenario would be something to ‘endure’, to ride out and ‘let time heal’. You show what richness is available to us if we are prepared to open up to a bigger picture.
Grief is a personal reflection for us to process, and not to be laid on as sympathy for the person who has passed over.
This is blog is a great reminder to really give one billion percent to our relationships today and now, so that there is nothing left incomplete or unsaid, and should someone you know die there are no regrets because the love and truth and commitment has been absolute.
Such a good point Heather – about holding onto life and not letting go when the time is presented. This tells us that life is so reduced into the physical, into our identity as a person that we have forgotten the fact of energy and that we are essentially multidimensional Souls and spirits. If this was an awareness in our everyday life, would we realise that we are eternal and there is nothing to lose.
I often wonder if death is such a taboo subject in our western culture today because we have so many unresolved issues within ourselves and each other that when we think of life through what we perceive as the finality of death it shows us how much we have to work on, resolve and heal.
In our western culture of today we are in so many ways not adequately prepared individually or collectively to pass on. Also for too many of us death is considered a taboo subject. This is something we have to change by starting to openly discuss and being clear about our wishes before it is too late.
Thanks Heather for sharing – your blog has helped me to reflect on hurts and how it is our picture of the way something appears and the way we thought it should be. What I know to be true is that we often make the best choices we can at the time with what we know and pondering honestly the opportunity for healing is always there.
“I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end ” – I would say that this is true for a lot of people and we need as a society to speak frankly about this so that we change the weird way we are around death.
I understand what you describe as is it possibly being our greatest potential surrender. I was around a relative as they were becoming more sick and dying and I felt they where hanging on, I can understand having attachments to people and it being difficult to say good-bye, but it felt like it was about hanging on to life a control of having things a certain way, rather than allowing the natural progress of death in old age to come around. I learnt a lot and have since pondered how I will prepare myself when my time comes.
I don’t like the idea of not saying all there is to say before my parents pass over, of them passing without knowing how I feel or how they feel. We never know till they are gone though if we left anything unsaid do we? The unfamiliarity of surrender indeed.
“the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.” This is so true Heather, we create attachments to what we think physical life should be rather than surrendering to all that we truly are.
“I find myself feeling sadness for some of the choices they made while they were here – how I would have liked things to be different for them, and how I would have liked us all, as a family, to be closer. And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.” Im so glad you touched on this, for living in this way is sure to create feelings of unresolvedness and grief when death happens. It seems far wiser to look if we are carrying pictures that we are trying to play out as this really affects the people we have relationships with.
The deepest buried grief will one day surface to be felt and understood…it is inevitable that we must deal with all that we have lived, be that our most loving choice to our most wayward.
It is much better to acknowledge grief than harden oneself by living in denial of what one is feeling. For such a relationship with life can only lead to complication.
I had proof (at least for me) that death is not the end as I watched my Mum’s body wither and eventually die, I noticed that there was a light within her that simply got stronger and became more visible as the physical receded. The strength in that light was undiminished, and even though we did not talk about it, I know she could feel it too.
Heather thank you for writing this. I felt today reading it that we resist death and the dying process as it’s the ultimate surrender and unknown and we have little control over it. There is something in your comment about our attachment to how things should be in life, be it relationships, jobs, etc. and how we can be very set in wanting things to be a certain way and how in fact life is not like that, and death exposes this in another way; all of us, no matter what hubris we may create, face death, and we cannot avoid this ultimate surrender and so in our grief with others close to us passing over we are offered an opportunity to engage with life and death as it is and surrender in how we are with it. We are offered a deepening of our understanding of both life and death.
It’s great to see and read more people looking at death and everything around it in a different light. Growing up there are parts that didn’t make sense and in this style of discussion there is a chance for us all to become clearer in it, to understand things more. I am aware growing up as I said that things or parts that made no sense in and around dying. My education, family and peer groups made it all a bit of a taboo subject until this time. It was like somehow you were made out or assumed to be disrespectful if you did discuss death differently to what you were told back then. It’s great to open this all up.
The body feels grief and to feel it and express it is quite natural. Years ago when my father passed over there were so many mixed responses to my grief. Some wanted to distract me out of it, some were sympathetic…but the most supportive were those around me who gave me the space to grieve.
When I think about passing over, my biggest thing is the fact I am not living life true to who I am, I do not want to be lying on my death bed, so to speak, wishing I had done all these things, not a bucket list, or travelling or going away etc, but saying what I really feel, saying no, dressing how I feel to express myself, not holding back, not accepting less, speaking up – all these kinds of things. So my question is why do we not live this truth, our truth, how we know we can easily live everyday, why do many wait for something like terminal illness or a major upheaval to start to live this way. If we know it is true, and can feel it in our bodies, what is stopping us or holding us back? Is it the fact we know we are immortal? So we can choose delay, lack of responsibility, I’ll do it tomorrow, next week, next year, next lifetime? Why would we not want to do this for ourselves and all others now?
There is an incredible opportunity for everyone; from the person passing over, family, friends, to everyone who knows them or is taking care of them at this time, to evolve.
A very healing blog to read and feel thank you Heather. There is no doubt that acceptance allows us the opportunity to surrender to the soul and to the natural flow of life.
Both my parents have passed and in each occasion – my father seven years ago, my mother a few months ago – I was very surprised by the ‘extra’ stuff that came up. What I mean by this is that it was revealed to me how these relationships and all the arrangements, baggage, history and emotions that may or may not be attached to them also maintain and create all kinds of other dynamics that initially might not be viewed as directly relatable. What I mean is that one tends to focus on the direct relationship with the parent. But, for example with my mother, the protection that I was carrying in that relationship was having profound effects on other relationships in my life and in fact what over-whelmed me most at her funeral was the depth of the love that I allowed myself to feel for my kids and wife. Both of my parents passings have been gigantic evolutionary moments in my life and actually continue to be as I am still in relationship with them.
What a great blog, expressing what and how to grieve, but not being consumed in it. But to feel what needs to be felt, with a love for yourself and all those involved. A very different and beautiful way to support yourself and others.
When we hold only hurts we are holding the person who hurt us in a certain light that prevents us from seeing them as they truly are. This affects the relationship we have with them forever, that is until we let go of the hurt because the hurt belongs to us and we have a choice to let it go or not.
Is it ironic that when someone we loved commits the selfish act of suicide, leaves a wake of hurts bigger than the reasons they had used to justify their actions to go? And you have said Elizabeth, forever clouds us from seeing them as they truly were!
The passing over of a person, be it a friend or close family member (we are all essentially one family) provides the mantle from which to see, feel, and surrender to a healing and to understand something more about love and the purpose of life.
Agree entirely – and be prepared to look deeper and wider than just that relationship. The ripple effects into other relationships can be a real blessing.
Your last paragraph is really profound, it’s true that every choice we make builds the foundation upon which we stand, it’s the quality we build day to day that allows us to stand strong when there are difficult or challenging times.
“And when we’ve spent the best part of our lives seemingly being in control of ourselves, our lives and events, here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.” So why wait until the eleventh hour – let’s start letting go now (myself included).
It is certainly healing on one level to allow one to feel and express grief if it is there, and it affords us the opportunity to increase our awareness as to just how much we feel in life.
Universal Medicine has given Humanity a gift that allows not only for a gentle and loving passing over but an opportunity to choose to live our lives with awareness, to deepen the quality of our choices and to leave an imprint of love that will support all others coming after us.
If all that Universal Medicine presented on was death and dying, the extraordinary wisdom offered to humanity therein would be enough to change the path of all our evolution… amazingly, there is so much more.
Having the awareness of the ageless wisdom and all that Serge Benhayon presents on death, dying and grief, is super supportive and creates the space for rational conversation, not emotive and drama, that can at times be associated with grieving and death. Celebrating how someone has lived is a great way to honour them and allowing space for oneself to grieve but not fall into it and stay in it.
I too have an opportunity to prepare for the passing of my mother and this blog has inspired me to see well beyond the physical. That there is an importance of expressing in full, letting go and observing what happens. This approach is very different to how I would have dealt with death in the past – and what a joy it is in my body to know there is another way to do death – one that celebrates the person and is very real and true.
You have provided a wonderful example of how empowering it is to give ourself permission to fully accept and acknowledge all that we are feeling. We don’t have to get caught in the drama of it all, numb ourself to it or even act tough. Instead we can use the opportunity as demonstrated here to reflect on what is going for us behind the surface issue, expand our understanding, start healing what is required and deepen the love, joy and responsibility with which we are living.
A wise man shared the other day that in the end it is not death itself that people fear it is feeling the regret for not making life about relationships and evolution.
If we were to understand death as being a birth into the next cycle of life, it makes a lot of sense that the passing of this life (death) should be an equally joyfully celebration of our life, as our physical birth was.
We have lived so long thinking and believing that when people pass over that it is the end and because we have been attached by that outcome we have lost touch with our own true knowing of death and the joy and celebration of one’s life cycle moving into another. Openly discussing death is a great path for a deeper understanding of life and its many beautiful cycles.
‘Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief.’ One of the gifts I received when a parent passed over was deeply feeling their essence, and the gifts they offered. I realised that I had been at times blinded by childhood hurts and in reaction to aspects of personality. It was deeply healing to allow myself to observe what was revealed, and when the tears welled, the grief released.
Someone close to me passed over recently and there is a sadness in me I have not let myself feel in full yet, I felt it yesterday when I deleted their number from my phone. I feel we have to be real about death, of course we will feel sadness and grief when someone dies, and joy for we know it is not the end, we are human. To pretend you feel none of this would not be true, you’d be lying to yourself. What I have noticed is that some people, even those close to you, can be very insensitive or have a lack of understanding or care when you share what’s happening or how you are feeling, it’s a very full on time for all involved, not just those passing over, but it may be their own stuff and issues with death, but it still doesn’t feel great to feel, it hurts, especially when you need support. A learning for me how to always be caring with other people.
It’s amazing how much we can learn when we actually choose to see the lesson for what it is.
I like to look at it as our body has a soul, I imagine it sitting there inside me, all steady and unaffected, and anything else in my life, emotions, turmoil, ups and downs are not of my soul but instead spinning and jumping around my body as extra parts that I have invited in, a bit like a party guest that I really want to leave. From this basis if I bring everything back to this then nothing can affect me that much as it is not of and who I am. I love what Heather has written here, it feels very confirming to read someone’s experiences that are so honest and confirming of the love we naturally have that sometimes we don’t always live.
I am realising how much I live my life from needs based on an ideal – an ideal picture and belief, none of which are mine yet I have bought into knowingly on some level. An ideal image of what I should look like, what I should eat, how I should be, what i should say, how I should dress, walk, look, what an relationship should be – this one feels so awful and abusive for all involved. For I am not seeing, hearing or meeting them, but the picture in my head of how I think we / they/ I / a relationship should be. That bubble’s been burst. Same at work, in school, in a classroom, how a class should be, there are so many images, pictures, ideals and beliefs that come to us instantly – in a split second, the key is to call them out and not get played, sucked in by them. But I ask myself why i buy into them in the first place? Is it to play it safe?
The key to dying with dignity is to be able to deeply surrender to the process and allow our soul to guide us.
On a documentary recently I heard a woman speaking of her faith and her knowing of God, similarly to the way you speak of knowing death is a pathway to another existence. It seems in society today that there are many who would challenge the “everyday person” when they say there is more to us than just this life, but when a person of note declares their belief in a greater power, we accept that. Perhaps time for us all to claim and be open about what we know of God, what we know of death, and that that is our knowing, without any scriptures.
I didn’t realise I’m full, I have an attachment to many things, one being what a ‘perfect’ relationship should look like, how it should be, this all comes from so many pictures, ideals and beliefs. Not one ounce of connecting to myself, the other person, what I feel and how I feel to be in it. With this I’m not seeing the other person, really feeling them as a person, what’s going on for them, or letting them in.This isn’t a relationship if you choose to be this way. Today I’m going to be honest, and eat humble pie.
Yes, Heather. When we stay connected to the love that resides within us and all around us, it helps us to observe the divine order and cycles of life without an attachment to things being any other way.
Seeing death as the new beginning it is helps us to see through the illusion of finality. We go on and on evolving along the way, never does our true essence cease to exist.
I am going to a funeral today. My views on death and dying have changed a lot over the years so it will be interesting to observe my own emotions today.
Feeling the grief that comes with the passing of someone can be hugely healing. There can be many reactions to grief – bringing in knowledge to try to rationalise it, burying it with many such things as busyness or alcohol, hardening to it….but it is there to be felt.
Openly and respectfully talking about death and passing over is one of the greatest gifts we can give to others – and ourselves as well.
Heather thank you for this blog because after my third read today I am starting to understand more deeply all you have expressed. I have always thought grief and sadness is normal and unavoidable around death, but the more I build love into my daily life and live the reality that love is who I am in essence, the more I can nominate the same attachments and pictures you speak of that cause reactions to death. I am starting to understand the beholding nature of love and letting people be without imposition, to be held in stillness with complete acceptance.
Your approach to death and grief Heather is very inspiring; I love how you grew in your understanding and acceptance of the inevitability of death, emotions and feelings that follow and knowing that the choice as to how to respond is always ours;
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it”.
It is interesting how death and dying is a taboo subject for many, even when someone is old and their health is deteriorating they and their family often think they are going to get better. Yet we all know death is inevitable at some stage so why do we not prepare and talk about this part of our lives and accept it is all part of a cycle we are in?
There is so much healing that is on offer that comes with grief that may not only be the passing of another but a way of life that we now know no longer supports us to grow.
For me, when my nan passed, the grief I experienced was from feeling my own separation, as I had felt so clear and connected with her before her passing, the separation I felt from her on a physical level was a strong reflection. She brought a lot to my life and this I truly appreciated. She was an amazing lady with all her imperfections and unloving choices, but she made an impact on me, one I cherish.
When my grandmother passed I knew I had supported her to pass over with dignity and light, and had a moment of letting myself just cry and let her go in the physical sense as I could feel our immense connection and knew she was ok. Once again, her passing reflected to me my own separation and once again I was given the opportunity to heal this a little bit more.
Heather I’ve been looking back at my life and its clear that the only time I feel hurt or regrets is when I’ve not been open, said how I feel and deeply connected with others in the way that I feel about them. I feel that all those times I’ve not shared my true feelings are what builds up a level of grief. Therefore my choice now is to express (by living and in some cases sharing) the depth of truth and appreciation I have for people otherwise I can clearly see at the time of passing over there will be regrets. Regrets that I did not express all that I felt to others. When they pass over have they lived with me openly holding them in love or keeping them at a distance?
Grief is dull and heavy, weighs us down with deep sadness and regrets. When I have decided to let it go, I have felt an incredible lightness in my body by observing the emotions that are not me. As we move on and embrace the healing in this process, it shows how the whole grieving process works.
Most of us carry strong pictures of family, how we are expected to be with each other. These pictures prevent us from truly loving. I am finding that when pictures regarding family challenge me, it is a reminder to be even more loving and caring to myself, which is always a healing. There is an attachment and expectation with family I find, that is not present in my other relationships, going back to deal with these uncomfortable feelings slowly step by step, and working my way out of the resentment and grief I feel first of not living in my fullness for choosing to be controlled by familial situations have been worthwhile.
As I read your blog Heather, I felt how each little (or big) thing I have let go of during my life brings a sense of lightness and freedom. I have a free opportunity to choose to let go of clutter, be it material, psychological or emotional. As I choose this my body becomes lighter, I continue to feel the weight lifted off my life, and so I gradually let go of the attachment to these things on earth, and that last ultimate choice is to choose to let go willingly of this life. You could look at it as every letting go is a little passing preparing for the final one in this life. Thank you for the inspiration.
I love your expansion of Heather’s inspiring approach to grief Joan, ‘every letting go is a little passing preparing for the final one in this life.’The strength and healing in this ability is so felt in your sharing Heather. Thank you.
I know what you mean Heather, I always knew that you cannot create or destroy energy therefore we must carry on, life after life…. Really beautiful you had the time before your parents died to be as open as you could all be, what a blessing… Good point about us holding on for as long as possible through fear of the Unknown – I know a lovely lady who might be able to support people with that soon which is so needed – people could hang on in that braced state for years and years and miss out on their lives…. So sad!
Thank you Heather, it is beautiful to take in what you express as I can feel your steadiness, dedication to healing and choice to take responsibility in every word you share here. We can grieve for many things, the passing over of a loved one, health conditions, loss of material possessions, the state of the world or the outcome of an election… the key is to feel it all and see our part in what we feel. The choice to do this opens us up to receive more support than we need.
That loving foundation we can build through listening to our bodies and how they feel in everyday life can then support us in the natural occurances that are a part of life. Our beliefs and ideals about life I have repeatedly experienced are not repectful or considering of the reality we live in or the truth of who we are.
Having lost my Parents some time ago now one 20yrs ago and the other 10yrs. I have much more awareness now, thanks to Serge Benhayon’s presentations of the Ancient Wisdom. Even back then I felt that we reincarnate and that death was not just the end of life as we know it. I love the way you have shared your experience and the loving way you were able to let go of emotion and past regrets. Thank you Heather.
“Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.” Awesome to hear Heather, often when we lose someone we can become consumed in grief and in doing so deny and cut off from the Love that is all around us, building a strong foundation of love allows us to have an anchor ready for when rocky times may come.
‘Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.’ Thank you, this is so important Heather. Through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and The Way of the Livingness I have a foundation of love in my life that supports, holds, and shows me the way, and that is always expanding and developing my understanding of everything in life.
Heather the topic of death and dying is something that I really want to talk more about, I feel its an area of life that is still a taboo and is something that needs to change. We put it to one side focussing more about the latest TV drama then dealing with a fear that many of us hold throughout our life but that is a certainty. Thank you for starting that conversation.
I have been assisting an elderly friend who has no family to prepare for the end of her life, making our way through what she wants done with her belongings, her funeral, etc. It took me a while to begin this conversation, but as she is in her 90’s it was a conversation that needed to be had. What has become so obvious through this process that has taken quite a few months is that we prepare for so many things in life but many of us do not prepare ourselves for our passing; it is as if the planning for life ends at retirement and the subject of dying is put to one side.
Great point Ingrid. It shows how much of a taboo topic death and dying is for most people. What if talking about it and the process of the funeral and the passing could actually be a very joyful experience? Perhaps a wee bit far fetched for many but it is in truth an opportunity to celebrate ones life, not mourn their loss.
If I go into my head and feel what happened at my father’s passing 55 years ago a sadness comes up. Thank God for Serge Benhayon, for after hearing his presentations, I knew straight away this sadness was not me and I returned to my body to feel the truth of my father’s passing. This allowed me to become aware that emotional situations are not in my body but are stored in our heads as an energy that can be called on. Emotions are one of the most power-full addictions of all. Thanks to the presentations by Serge Benhayon I am learning to not be controlled by emotions.
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It is a totally different understanding to consider life as more than one linear path rather than part of a cycle and therefore we also have the opportunity to understand grief and loss in a different way.
Very recently my father passed over and I too was able to deal with this in a very different way to how I would have done a few years ago. Allowing myself to feel and express what came up over this but not be taken over by it. The loving foundation I have built for myself supported me through this in a much more balanced way. I would not have had this experience if I had not found Serge Benhayon from who I am learning to live from love rather than reactions and emotions.
So beautiful of you to share this with us Heather. I agree with all you share the journey through the passing of a loved one can be as you describe. Healing childhood hurts is an incredible support. Allowing the love and support that is around us, is to me a truly loving way to be with ourselves and everyone. As we allow ourselves to be held in this loving support it offers back an ever stronger love for us to be holding our loved one who is passing.
Acceptance allows us the opportunity to surrender to the natural flow of life and see hurts for what they truly are- a result of holding onto images about others and life.
Great point shared Francisco Clara. There is so much emotional investment that comes with grief that is often unspoken of but sends us a true message of the potential we have to identify and heal what we know is not true.
There is opportunity in every moment but by categorising moments as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ we limit our ability to access those opportunities.
Grief to me is showing me a way of greater understanding of how I have been entangled in holding on hurts and through this insight I can let go of these and free myself and all others I held entangled in this hurt, restoring the natural flow of love in life and my relationships.
The feeling of love that comes from your understanding about how emotional situations have a knock-on effect that affects others, is amazing. By re-connecting and making it a Livingness I am “restoring the natural flow of love in life and my relationships”. Without my emotions the knock-on effect is in fact being one of true love with ‘no’ emotions. Thanks to Serge Benhayon I am learning to not be controlled by emotions, which are one of the most powerful addictions of all.
This is great to remember – that we are infinitely held in Love and that it is simply a case of whether we surrender to this fact and allow the support that is forever on offer or resist this at our own peril.
I can relate to the picture of what a perfect family life/relationships should look like and as I become more aware of the falseness of the picture and the what is not true I simply cannot hold back from speaking and being in a way that calls out the untruths. At the moment I can feel how sometimes my expression is measured and calculated depending on others’ reactions but hey this is something I am working on so that I can bring a greater level of truth and love to all of my relationships.
Thank you Heather. This is beautifully supportive sharing about grieving as it acknowledges why we feel grief and clearly shows how we can support ourselves when experiencing a loss.
I appreciate reading this Heather – and observing how as we allow more love into our lives, it provides a foundation even through hard times. It is inspiring to read how your relationship with your parents and with death has changed – and how you know that death is simply the beginning of a new cycle.
I like how you bring dying in connection with surrendering. We are asked to surrender to ourselves and let go of the fight we have put up. So the more we allow ourselves to surrender in daily life the easier and more natural we can surrender to passing on.
This is pretty amazing, Heather. Death can be very emotional for people, but your writing has opened my eyes to the fact that the passing of a loved one can be so much more than just sadness. We will all have a chance to experience this sooner or later.
I was close to an older family member as they began to get ill and die, I could see there was a lot of resistance to the process, a physical and energetic hanging on, attachments and unfulfilled feelings of potential, we talked about it. Allowing ourselves to surrender to the cycle of life is precious, it is all part of it, but often many of us, fight rather than feel what is part of our natural cycle.
Until I read the word grief, I didn’t realise how much grief I held in my body around a situation that’s happening just now. Whether it’s my grief or I have sympathised with another and taken it on, is another question, but what’s important to do it to feel it, and let it heal. To not push it down and play the hard and tough woman who can support everyone else, but not get support for herself.
Spending most of our life in control or we think we are! Most of my life, I was the ball in the pinball machine in constant motion trying to beat gravity and the final destination we could not escape from… the end of the game where the ball never returns. By dealing with our hurts from growing up that could have been when the ball in the game hit a bumper and was pushed away tends to level the board. We stop fighting the end and see it for what it is a new beginning.
Thank you Heather for sharing your experience. There is much for us to learn about grief, what it is and how to heal it. At some level within ourselves we all carry grief, the grief of not remaining connected with ourselves all of the time. Once we are connected with ourselves we can more easily let go of hurts.
I have never considered I have an attachment to life, which I do, alongside relationships, people being a certain way, work being a certain way, lessons, I can feel there’s more. At this moment in time, I’m not sure why or what the attachment, although I do know, my feeling is it’s to avoid surrender, bringing the lightness and playfulness of God through. For if there was no attachment then we would be ourselves, no bars held. We wouldn’t hold back one ounce of what is to be shared through us, as we wouldn’t be invested or attached to how people react or not react to it. It’s almost like the ultimate form of identification, self and control. The question is what do we get out of it? Recognition? Drama? Identification? My feeling is identification – as it stops us being at one and in absolute joyful flow with the all.
It’s crazy to stop ourselves or judge ourselves for feeling just because we have an awareness of the bigger picture. We are still human, and feeling grief is part of the process of letting go. Rather than indulging in it we can allow the grief to surface and pass through us as it needs to while holding the awareness of the bigger picture so we don’t get lost in the grief. It’s so important to let it out.
If you are with someone near their end of life it tends to be a very special time, the surrendering of the personality to the body and if they accept this and allow their soul to fill them up it is like being with a new born baby, it is exquisite in the quality available to the person passing over. Something quite wonderful to witness.
‘Thanks to the work of Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I have been so much more aware of how childhood hurts and imprints have governed my life and consequently played out in the choices I’ve made at the deepest level.’ Well-said Heather, I lived in a fog of hurts for many years, learning to heal them with the support of Serge Benhayon and the Ageless Wisdom has been key to deepening the relationship with myself and others and has also inspired and supported me to commit to other areas of my life as well.
It is interesting to stop and think about why we grieve in more depth than we do. In fact there is so much more to explore when we look at the underling cause of all our emotions above and beyond the obvious.
So important to allow ourselves to feel what is there to be felt but equally important not to be consumed by it.
This is the kind of thing I would love to chat about at the dinner table. We don’t usually talk about these things which is a shame. Things that really matter but things we might avoid because it gets a little bit too much ‘under our skin’. But these things are the ones we grow from talking about.
Beautiful blog Heather, death gives us a chance to start again having learnt many lessons through our life times, and we have an opportunity to celebrate a life that has just gone or going full circle.
There is so much in what you have shared Heather, the ideals and beliefs we hold about death, grieving, what is appropriate, what is not. But we have to in the end, come back to what feels true for us, not allowing others to influence what and how we feel.
Beautiful insight into the grieving process Heather thank you, and to what it can offer if we are open and take responsibility for the things we are feeling. A blueprint for life really.
If I allow myself enough space in between tasks, my body feels spacious as well. Emotions hardly enter a spacious body since their nature is narrow.
Being in control is something that can be very hard to let go of as it is a structure we erect to give us the illusion of safety. Thus it could be very threatening to people when they are facing the loss of independence as they are dying and for many, it is not easy to surrender to the dying process so they ‘struggle to the end’. It is great to start to observe how much we are in control in our life and why, and by doing this we can more easily surrender and accept situations in our daily life which will ultimately affect our dying process.
It is natural to experience a loss at the passing of someone we have been close to. Our body feels the loss just as animals do for a time, but they do not hold onto it with memories or wishes or regrets. It is these thoughts that can prolong the sadness so it becomes a deep held grief that is hard to let go of because it is constantly reaffirmed by conjuring up images of the person. If we focus on our love for them rather than the loss we will feel that the love has not died, only the body. If we stay connected to the love within us we can more easily accept the loss.
These are beautiful observations Sandra. Regrets and wishes stop us from moving forward or living naturally. Connecting to the love that is always there and coming to acceptance of the loss leaves both you and the person who has died, or passed on, free.
There is something about death that always feels very inspiring. Some people embrace death as an opportunity to say and express in a way that they may not have for a very long time or even ever. I have had close relationships with a couple of people who have been in this part of their lifecycle and their openness and deep reflection and awareness about their choices throughout life have been very powerful to feel and hear.
I am interested in the way that Heather talks about control in relation to death, or, passing over. And I am very familiar with this need for control to feel well anchored through life, and so when the end of physical life comes in to view this once secure and known feeling can suddenly seem very fragile as if ready to break, which can be deeply unsettling. This brings in to focus for me how very very important it is to work on healing through this life, so that control is not what makes me feel secure, but love, which is never ending and is with all of us all of the time, whether in a physical form or not.
If we have sadness towards a person, I have found that more often it’s because I don’t feel I have loved that person to the fullest.
The way you discuss this topic without right or wrong Heather is a very thing beautiful to behold. What shines through in your words is how the grief that you feel, seems to be interlinked to unexpressed feelings and impulses you had to say. It makes me realise and resolve in myself to never hold back sharing what I feel. As I sit here typing this my partner is beside me and I feel I can’t wait to share all that I feel with her and everyone I meet. Then tonight I feel I’ll really be able to sleep. So this blog has inspired me to consider the death of holding back me.
I was reading an article on assisted suicide and having recently seen my husband very ill and my father die of a very painful cancer what struck me most is how in illness we are offered an opportunity to surrender, it is like the personality leaves and there is just you in your rawness and tenderness as we were as babies, complete and love. Death really is not to be feared but seen as a movement towards our truth that we are an essence of God, why would we resist or want to ‘fight’ or fear this?
Thanks Heather ,what a great article on a topic that needs us all to talk more about . In the cycles life where death is also a very big part and one that many get seriously hurt or allow themselves to stay holding hurts , there own stuff and the grieving loss of another.You have expressed how there is another way and how by surrendering and allowing hurts to be exposed then let go of,how you were able to grow and move through the difficult event that most must face our parents death or end of a cycle together .I also am believer of reincarnation and feel it makes the process much clearer to know that we come back again and again ,so there is no loss only sadness of wasted or misused time in some cases where we could have made our connections and relationships deeper whilst together
My observations of many others, myself included have shown me that the passing over of a loved one reflects a truth for each of us to understand. Each death shows much about the life we have lived and the life lived by our loved one. All of what is offered is to be appreciated for it offers much healing.
The process of letting go can involve some form of grieving as we re-adjust to a new beginning. And is an immense opportunity for reflection and healing within relationships, and of any hidden attachments we may have.
With my mother’s recent passing I found that by observing the process, without absorbing it, made a huge difference in how I went through her death without any emotional outpouring!
This is a beautiful confirmation for me about the importance of living and attending to our relationships now, to the best of our ability, willing to learn and be open. Then when someone passes over there are no regrets about things incomplete. This has been and is a huge part of healing for me.
It just goes to show no matter how much we are prepared there is always something more to be revealed.
Grieving is a natural and normal part of death and having relatives, friends pass away. But as you have described Heather, it is about not personalising it and allowing your own life to be taken over by grief. It is in understanding the process, being true to your feelings of course, but not allowing the emotions to be all there is to grief.
Heather I felt how healing writing this blog was and how important it is to find expression for the understanding we have arrived at around our held onto hurts. When we come to understand you mention that our hurts are what we have taken on and not who we are, it really helps our process of letting go. It helps us to be with the buried hurts and as you have expressed, go even deeper to the truth of who we are. Then being able to express what you have is an offering to others and that offers ourselves an even greater healing.
Feeling deeply the reflection on offer throughout our lives and why this was provided and the learning possible for us whilst appreciating the science of all that has presented and will present, enables us to more closely examine ourselves, our choices and life with detachment and understanding rather than in a reaction to people around us and events.
I have been surprised at my responses to people in my life passing. They have ranged in length of time, or depth of sadness, but there has always been sadness. It is interesting to feel when I know deeply within that there is no actual death only a rebirth. What I noticed recently after the passing of a close member of my family, was that after feeling my own grief and allowing that to pass, the sadness I felt was coming up when I reacted to others’ grief to the death.
I have had the opportunity to talk about death with two friends who have recently had close relatives die. Both have been very open about their feelings and experiences. I think it is something we are all naturally curious about, but rarely get the opportunity to discuss. One friend even asked me if it was OK to talk about the subject because she is aware it’s a no go area for many.
With my father dying when I was 9, death has always been something I have been open to discuss. Death is something that I am very open about and thanks to the presentations by Serge Benhayon I now have an understanding that what I use to call death is actually the returning to our true etheric form or being reborn!
Having experienced with my father passing over the process and towards the end the struggle and fight to resist what was happening. The moment he surrendered to what was happening instantly you could see how he returned to the True Essence of who he is and the physical body was no longer running the show.
In our moments before death, the three-dimensionality of life no longer serves and we return to the communication of energy, we return to the true source of our beingness.
So beautiful to re-read your post Heather. People do make assumptions about how we feel after a family death, as if we ‘should’ be feeling a certain way. I found it interesting to observe, after my mothers death, how surprised some people were on account of my lack of observable grief at her funeral. I had done most of my grieving in the months before her passing when we deepened our relationship and healed some old hurts. Learning about reincarnation gives me a knowing that death is not the end.
Practice surrender in daily life, that is the practice of truly living and dying.
A pearl of wisdom, Adele, thank you.
Absolutely amazing sharing!
Thank you for your blog Heather. As a young man, with these kinds of events all to come it is so inspiring to see there is another way rather than grief and sorrow!
More and more I am learning to let go of how I think life needs to be and be with what is before me instead. Death or imminent death feels like it is a beautiful process of accepting this.
“I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end.” This is true for me too and death isn’t something I am scared of. In regards to how I would feel when someone close to me dies is not as yet something I have experienced, but building a strong foundation of constantly loving choices will support me no end when that time comes.
It is interesting to reflect on what it is to grieve and how it always seems related to the nature of the relationship we have with someone and our ability to let go of the picture of how we held them.
I, like many others have held some fear about dying for a long time.This I found shifted when i started to consider that this physical life may not be the only existence there is. I had swallowed the belief that there was only this life and when you died you either went to heaven or hell according to how you lived this life, and also if I prayed, went to church and confessed my sins then I was garenteed a spot in heaven. This means I could live my life how ever I wanted in complete disregard of myself and others and be totally irresponsible just as long as I went to Sunday mass everything would be ok in the end.
This has also been my experience of allowing myself to let go of hurts…”Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief.” I was surrounded by hurts, and acted from them regularly, I am unpicking them, and freeing myself from their chains…no need to hang on to what is not me, in essence I can feel I am love and truth.
When I was with my parents recently I had the chance to feel some old hurts. I knew they were there because I was feeling emotional and what came up when I allowed it was very healing. I was still waiting for my mum to love and approve of me – an old hurt from way back that has no relevance today as I can really feel her love for me.letting go of these old needs allowed me to fully appreciate the time we have together. It makes my time with both parents all the more to be cherished. I am so appreciative of allowing myself this process whilst they are both alive so i get to really enjoy our company together.
Hello Heather and that must have been challenging but I loved where you have taken this. It must have been touching to spend the quality time you did with them and I took a lot out of the things you discussed. I can see you weren’t at the mercy or overcome by the emotions around their death. You were still able to grieve about the loss but not be over run and still see the somewhat lighter side to death. I would love for this to be the experience with everyone and it’s great you have written about your experience as I am sure it will support others like it’s supported me thank you.
Excellent Blog Heather, what I gather is that emotional reactions stop us from feeling the truth, and from expressing our true feelings. And it is this that we crave, with no limitations.
This brought on a really interesting thought.. why are we so afraid of death?
I love that this taboo subject is getting some air play. I think it is a very important subject matter for us to discuss and unfold as a wider society. Not talking about death is probably one of the reasons there is so much controversy and fear round it. Thank you for sharing with us your experience on the ground with it.
Thanks for sharing this Heather, it is only natural to grieve loved ones as we will never see them again in the same way or in the same form, but we will always see them again. My Dad died suddenly, out of the blue of a massive heart attack so it was a major shock at the time but I also feel his time was up, for another cycle awaited him.
When we understand that we all live our lives here on earth in cycles of birth and death and that we have all done this thousands of times already, why have we then that collective picture that a passing over must be loaded with sadness and grief while in fact it is a celebration of another life lived in our return to Soul?
It feels like to me that when we have something taken away, our health, a loved one etc, it does highlight our attachments and how we have wanted life to be and now that the possibility of such is gone we grieve or react with other emotions. But in what you’ve shared Heather that’s great because in that we can choose to be aware of these attachments and let them go rather than denying the fact and holding on we can choose to see that our attachments and investments in how life should be or should have been were not true in the first place.
I agree Heather, I now feel the deepest appreciation for the reflection that my parents offered me’, that is what I feel.
Wonderful to see how you have positively embraced the death of your parents and have been able to see it as an opportunity to heal old childhood hurts, attachments to images and let go of control issues.
With greater awareness brings understanding, and then you can appreciate your life’s lessons through your parent’s passing over.
What if death is only a marker of one cycle ending and a new one beginning? This could mean that we are offered another cycle to deal with what keeps us from living who we truly are.
“I now feel the deepest appreciation for the reflection that my parents offered me and the healing of these old hurts I’ve since received from their departure” – how beautiful Heather that, unknown to your parents as they passed, they offered you by their lives and as a family such greatness of healing through reflection.. and also you them too. Every life carries the opportunity to heal and evolve, and so every family we’re in, life after life, is always a blessing, never to regret, for if so we are only regretting the golden chance to (deeper) evolve.
I can feel how grief becomes a positive process now Heather, it allows us to heal in full and not carry or hold onto the misunderstandings, burdens or fears along for the rest of our lives, but we can clear them and move on with a better understanding.
“Through observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go.” This indeed offers a great opportunity for healing as does the knowing of reincarnation and the cycles of life and death and the more this is spoken of the greater support, understanding and appreciation there is.
I really appreciate the opportunity to read about and discuss any taboo or avoided subject, in this case death and dying. Whilst stuff stays unspoken about it gathers mystery, uncertainty and ultimately fear. Once shrouded in fear we are greatly hampered.
I am always amazed by how we can think we are ok with something like death, but not really know what is there to be healed until the situation presents itself. I love that there is always more to be felt and revealed and what we think about how we feel is only a superficial layer compared to what we can actually feel.
Death is the ultimate in having to let go of control. It is eventually going to happen no matter what we do. I just realised that the reason why some people with terminal illness feel so at ease, so wise, so content within themselves despite physical pain is that they have surrendered. It feels like an honour to experience and is very inspiring of how we can choose to live right now, if we let go of control and attachments.
A lot to ponder from your blog, thankyou Heather. Attachments for me are that life and others need to be a certain way for life to be ok, instead of allowing life to be exactly as it is, people included, and focusing on being and living the love I naturally am. Attachments are such an illusion because I can feel I need life or others to be a certain way, yet when I connect to my inner heart and to my soul, I am already everything, nothing is needed. A big difference between the way my mind views life and the way my body and inner heart does.
Because death isn’t really spoken about and not a normal accepted part of our cycle when it happens many people don’t know how to be with it. Particularly if it is someone that has the understanding of reincarnation and sees it as a new beginning to the next cycle. It would be very different if we made it everyday conversation and our normal way in life.
I notice that staying present, fully present when we speak about death takes much of the feeling of uneasiness about the subject.
My father passed away when I was in my early twenties. I was surrounded by many people who loved me and cared for me. Yet when I was around those in sympathy with me it was stifling. In contrast, when I could simply be me and go through what I was going through and have another beside me, it was quite different and much preferable. I have no judgement on those who offered me their sympathy as I know they were offering care in the way that they knew how to but looking back it was a very clear how sympathy feels at the receiving end.
This blog has given me a moment to consider which relationships in my life would feel incomplete if I or the other were to pass over tomorrow as I can see we do not have to wait until the dying moments to bring resolve to our hurts that are affecting our everyday lives. Thank you Heather.
Preparing for another or our own passing is a great commitment to make, and it does not need to happen when someone is critically ill. It can happen any day of our lives. I felt complete when both of my grandmothers died because we had connected and meet each other. With one I had been in contact a lot and spent many years talking and sharing, with the other it has been more sporadic and more misunderstanding, but committing to meeting her as she was, being with her without demands or reactions, meant I felt her essence, who she truly was and in doing so, when she died, I regretted nothing, but had the space to appreciate who she was and what she had reflected for me to learn. I have been pondering how I can live my life, with this preparation and acceptance of who I am and what I am here to bring to life.
“And when we’ve spent the best part of our lives seemingly being in control of ourselves, our lives and events, here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.” The more we choose to commit to energy, to listen to our inner impulses, to choose connection over doing house work, choose intimacy over another handful of nuts, the more we choose love we can let go of our attachments to this life, and feel the might of evolution that is truly there for us all.
For me Heather you show so clearly here how possible it is to observe emotions as they come up within us, however surprising they may seem, and to not indulge in them at the same time but allow ourselves the clarity to observe what they are presenting to us to heal. This way we don’t push them away or down without having registered what they are signaling nor do we get ‘stuck’ in them.
It is easy to slip into unhelpful emotions of sympathy with others going through grieving, but that does nothing to support them in truth, and this they know too. Far better to hold a connection and support that allows them the space to go through what they need without adding extra burdens of emotions to it.
You are right, Annie. It is much less of a burden then.
Letting go of all the tendrils, and attachments we have that keep us in a ‘holding pattern’ with another and stunts our relationship with ourselves and others, also happens with those who have passed on. So great to let everything come up and go when the opportunity arises.
I’m gonna keep coming back to this blog over the ensuing days as everything unfolds with my mother’s passing. I can see what a gigantic opportunity this can be.
My mother passed over very recently. I am definitely not emotional about her death and I also have an almost absolute lack of judgement about the choices that both of us made along the way. But, what your blog is showing me is the purpose that death can offer us. This is an opportunity to really feel whatever hurts may still be lurking, release them and allow them to pass over as my mother does. A new beginning. A re-birth – even for those that didn’t die.
I love how you share that one of the biggest things about grief is the regret we have of not building a different kind of relationship with someone, that’s something we can so easily change right now, today, with the people around us so that we have always given our whole, full, true self to the relationship we have with them, then there is literally nothing to regret.
The more understanding we bring to ourselves and our own lives the more observational and detachment skills we encompass and this definitely transcends to the understanding of others too. Thank you for writing this blog Heather, when I was younger, not only was I caught up in the sympathy most commonly associated with death and dying in my family I was also carrying another emotional burden of somehow thinking that all who were unwell and had died was my fault. What I now know to be true and real for me, is that there is a great joy and appreciation around dying as it is a new beginning, an opportunity to live again and to have learnt with each life. I also have complete trust that we can never truly leave each other, another fear I had as a younger girl and woman was that I would miss my family (my mother especially) but we are always connected, when I am connected to me and this a beautiful realisation for me to have embodied and to have let go of the fear of loss that dying can again most commonly come with.
The process of grieving can be an opportunity to look at what sort of relationship I had with someone and appreciate aspects of true relationship and let go of aspects where I needed something from that person.
Death can be a real wake up call, in a beautiful way. Sometimes when we ignore all the smaller signs it takes something absolute such as death to change our perspective.
Your sharing about grief is so tender, that it captures the delicate essence of how to treat ourselves when grief surfaces or one is in the process of moving through this emotion. You offer a sign post ‘Way Out’ for how to move through the process of grief. A great read for everyone.
‘Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.’ I feel this too but still sometimes find myself reacting to the emotional energy of others. This is a great call to stay closer to home, as it were, and consciously return to that connection and stay steady in that love, knowing that, as you say, it is there when I/we choose it.
I find death as interesting as birth or any other time in life, it is something to talk and be open about and learn from. I can feel the cycles that we are in, learning from what it reflects is deeply supportive and healing.
Reading this blog again it seems to me that there is a very different perspective of seeing death as the end of a linear life or road and seeing death as the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.
Building a solid foundation of love and support from our own connection allows us to see with great clarity and awareness how emotions can play on our minds and bodies. This only plagues us with added stress and tension. Our foundation is what allows us to deepen our awareness in situations, which in turn holds us in loving connection for all.
This is a great read to come back to thank you Heather as what you share touches on many aspects of grief and carrying hurts and how life triggers opportunities to clear them.
I find I can still be surprised when an episode of grief occurs, even quite a while after a bereavement. It is so healing to simply observe that it was still present, and let it go. The layers of grief can be quite involved and there’s an acceptance of the process unfolding and allowing it to be what it is.
Thank you for sharing this personal experience, it is awesome to offer another way of approaching bereavement. I know when I have felt the loss of someone in my life, I have also realised that the loss comes from what has not been said, completed and shared. Do we say how we feel, make connection our first priority or regret that we have not.
What a beautiful reflection here that you are sharing, that grief does not need to ‘take you out’, debilitate you, bring you to your knees, but allow you to reflect, respect the relationships that were there, honouring that, this feels so much more supportive of all, those still living and those who have passed away.
To know and understand that we live in cycles in life offers me both an acceptance and allowing to address issues more in the moment rather than leaving them to come around again in the future. It also allows me the understanding that others may or may not be ready to do so at a particular time.
‘And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ O yes Heather we have so many pictures about how life should be and how we have to act and be with others and with ourselves. And of course the perfection that comes with all these ideals and make us wanting to control. Building a solid foundation of love as you’ve described is the way to let go of what we are attached to and to see it in the light of truth.
Being open and talking about death and dying brings a subject that many avoid into the light of day and begins a great healing process.
Grieving does bring a healing that can seem hard to believe. Not always over the case of a loved one passing. I have found that allowing myself to surrender and trusting that this shall become easier in the long run has been the key. The investments in the hurts or how we think things should be prevents us from letting go. A big step in responsibility is working through these.
“Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on” this is so important to understand, when we can get to this point it is so supportive as we no longer feel the victim and we are able to start letting go of the buried hurts and make more loving choices.
Knowing and understanding about reincarnation brings a whole new way of looking at life and death. Death can then be a celebration of the life lived and the next point of evolution.
When we leave the body it is not the end of us, and with the understanding that we, like everything on this earth, are moving in cycles it can actually be a joy to know the soul is ready for the next part of their evolving cycle. I was recently present at the passing of a close family member and I felt this joy and release for the person.
There is nothing more certain in this world than the fact we all die, it is strange how this is rarely talked about, having the conversation can be so very healing.
Yes Heather the passing of loved ones offers a huge opportunity for healing, and having the awareness of reincarnation brings the understanding that death is a new beginning.
What is offered here is incredibly healing. To choose to not be identified or absorbed by grief allows healing – seeing old patterns and hurts and letting them go. It’s super supportive to read and applies to all emotions and energies that are not love – allowing oneself to feel they are not who we are and have no place unless we choose for them to do so.
It is indeed important to respond to all that surfaces and reflect on our deepest, most buried hurts.
It is a gift every time a hurt appears before us, for we may learn much, let go of the past and lighten the load we carry.
“Through observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go.” – Beautiful clarity that you offer here Heather, thank you, giving ourselves the space to observe what’s going on for us and to unravel any emotions that may be there.
I never really understood the depths of wisdom that could come from experiencing the passing over of a close relative, until recently when it was so profound that I felt connected to them throughout the whole process and thus to the workings of the whole universe.
This is magnificent, feeling the truth of reincarnation, but still allowing ourself to not be bound by beliefs but feel all that comes up, allowing ourselves to grieve and feel the sadness of all that is there captured in the lives of the people that pass away.
“I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end.” to approach the of this cycle, passing over, in this way is an incredibly freeing way to live. I also feel it asks us to be truly responsible for there is no end to the mess we create, just the choice to change ourselves.
What I’ve noticed is that even the most difficult times are really not so difficult if you connect to the bigger picture and the grandness we’re from. Sure there are things in life – like losing both your parents – that are tough, but if you approach it with a deeper understanding of the purpose of life – like you experienced it can be super enriching.
My mother passed over some months ago. In letting go a lot of grief as she still was living I observe myself, when I do not honour and appreciate myself I miss my mother, when I am connected and live life from my innate fullness my mother sometimes comes into my mind and I feel joy and love.
I know from experience that childhood hurts can run deep, so deep we often do not realise they are they. Yet while unhealed they do influence greatly our day to day choices. I know this for a fact. From experience, my choices have often been to avoid the areas of life that bring up these issues the most, such as social occasions like friends’ parties or get togethers, work teams at school and even sporting events. Underneath I knew my reactions to not be true yet the hurt was so real and the pain so deep that it felt more real than the truth itself. Hence the importance of dealing with our hurts.
Gaining the understanding of influence of childhood hurts on one’s later life as presented through the Ageless Wisdom is empowering and liberating.
A really beautiful blog to read and feel Heather. Feeling sadness and grief certainly gives us the opportunity to deepen our understanding and connection to ourselves and others.
Hi Heather this is a great discussion to bring to the table as it is not often openly talked about as there are so many fears around dying. Universal Medicine has given us a great understanding of true living and therefore what dying is all about and this along with how we choose to live enables us to access a remarkably steady approach to what used to be emotionally packed situations. With death, no matter how steady we are there is always going to be a grief that needs to be acknowledged as we are still human and it is sad when a loved one is no longer physical with us but the beautiful thing is that we can always hold and connect to them in our heart so there is no real loss and death can become the joy that it alternately is as our loved one rejoins their soul and embarks on a whole new cycle of their on going learning.
Beautiful Kathleen, so heart felt and true how you have expressed. Universal Medicine indeed has opened up the way for greater understanding about the cycle of life.
Grief can take many forms, and be the result of many situations, not just the loss of a loved one. It is really important to allow the process of grieving to unfold and be felt in order for it to truly heal, otherwise the deep emotions of grief will end up manifesting as physical sypmptoms in the body.
10 years ago I had a friend suicide after living with a particularly severe and sudden post natal depression. This was massively confronting for me and it was a jolt. It had me asking many questions about the care and support available for women in these situations. As it was very limited for my friend. It also made me stop and question many of the choices I had made.
It was a wake up call that changed the course of my family’s life. I was wanting to protect my family from everything, the evil of society, the harshness of drugs alcohol, education system you name it I wanted the perfect world for my children. I was turning myself inside out trying to be the best mother and wife possible but at the expense of myself. In that moment I knew that a lot of this needed to change as it was at an expense to myself and could not continue.
There is an opportunity for healing in absolutely every experience.
It is important to grieve the loss of a loved one. There is great joy to know that our loved ones are never lost to us. We know we are all one and therefore connected always on a Soul level. I also know we reincarnate until we have finished the cycle of life therefore we never truly lose anyone. Thank you Heather for a great blog.
I love that observation Heather of death being the ultimate surrender when we are all so desperate to be in control it is I have realised recently the fact that I am super attached to the physical life over the reality that we are energetic before anything else, this is all a world we pass through again and again.
“Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there…” Heather that is very true, I know for myself that in absence of building love within me, how subject I then was [and had been] to emotions that took me off the scale and resulted in unsteadiness from immense reaction in times of receiving news like someone close to me getting major illness like cancer. In the absence of love there is always fear [unsteadiness], or the other way round: when there is fear, a lack of love is clear or apparent. In the presence of love there is true-knowing and feeling [steadiness].
After losing my father 54 years ago I have found that more people are interested in life after death and the fact that we come back again to an existence to learn our lessons on life. So many people feel deja-vu with so many situations.
Our feeling and expression of grief is healing and very powerful as we are all love and the immediate loss of another is very much felt and this grief needs to be expressed and allowed. However the truth of what is really going on and our natural cycles of life and all its consequences need to be understood and known with the healing truth and all else that is needed in our evolution and flow within the universal love we are all part of and this makes so much difference bringing real understanding and love to everything.
‘Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events.’ This feels so true in that when we have formed attachments to so much in life, letting go of life itself reveals our greatest attachment – life on earth.
When someone close to us dies, it can feel like a big loss, and physically it certainly does require an adjustment. However, there is also the energetic aspect, where many of us may find that there is more to life than just the physical aspect. My grandfather (whom I was very close to) passed away whilst I was in my late teens and despite this I still felt a strong connection with him, and often found him in my dreams several years after his death. And there is a part of me that somehow knows that we are connected and nothing can cause a rift or separation from this. In addition to this, ‘grieving’ over another is a process that can take a long time, and even today there are moments when I feel a sadness of missing him, but this often acts as a reminder that there has been a of a part of myself that I have been denying myself from. And so it is that we have others in our lives to remind us of aspects of ourselves that we have forgotten and are yet to be re-united by.
“Putting one’s ‘beliefs’ aside, it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life.” There are quite a lot of people, who struggle with concept of the end of their life. They find themselves indulging so that they can avoid feeling.
Letting go of the attachments of things and people in our lives is huge for many of us and I still feel some of the fear of this is present in my body. Because we are never presented with truth around death and dying from a young age our lives are very much about living on this earth rather than what happens when we leave it. We need to be so much more open with reincarnation and then maybe we will not be so attached to the material world.
I grew up knowing this was not my first time here on earth. I could feel there was lots inside me ‘I already knew about’. It felt completely natural to feel this way though the wisdom was challenging for some coming from a child. When I had my own children I felt the same in them so it was easy to talk openly about reincarnation. Meeting Serge Benhayon has brought a greater understanding to why we keep reincarnating which has meant I live with more of a responsibility about my choices during this life. Passing over therefore is simply a trade in of this body in the same way we trade in our cars when they start to wear out!
Often when we have strong emotions, such as grief, the tendency is to find a way of drowning it out. It could be alcohol, food, distractions and a whole host of other methods. Yet what you have offered is very powerful, in taking the time to reflect and connect with the understanding and wisdom offered by the moment.
Amazing how accepting you were of your parents passing over and being willing to observe your grieving process. Healing childhood hurts and understanding that they do not have to shape who we are is a massive support to read and thank you for sharing your experience. Inspiring us to know there is another way to life that is void of emotions and instead filled with love.
Grief can come in so many guises, whether it is losing a loved one through death, or simply the loss of a long term relationship. When we are attached to something or someone, there is always a level of grief that arises when it/they are no longer a part of our lives. The key is to learn to know that we are enough with out the ‘need’ for another. This way there is no attachment, and we just feel the sadness of another passing without getting caught up in the heavy emotions that attachment brings.
Not just about life and death, we also hold many pictures of how “family” looks like, these pictures keep us living in a reduced version of who we truly are and what true family is, the way we have chosen to live with these attachments bring deep grief. Holding onto any pictures bring grief in the end.
“I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go”. What you share with us Heather is quite on the money because quite often we don’t want to see things/people as they actually are so we build up pictures about what they should be and we fight the tension we feel because of the gap. And there are lots of reasons why we do that – some of which you talk about – old hurts, attachments, control etc…. To see things for what / who they actually are and let them be and go, is so freeing for everyone. The person holding the pictures and those that having them held up against. Beaut blog.
I can remember having a chat with my father before he passed over and he asked me about reincarnation. I shared with him that for me there is no question that we reincarnate and he asked why, how do you know. For me it is so strong in me that I just know that I have lived lives previous to this one and that it makes complete sense. Once meeting Serge Benhayon and listening to the Ageless Wisdom teachings it was confirmed what I had felt and knew.
I had similar experience when my mum passed on. I know that death isn’t the end but there was still sadness coming up that I first didn’t want to look at but eventually I did and it felt really good to not hold back something that was there to released out of the system. Even though we are heavenly beings there is a side to being human that we need to cherish as well.
“…Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over…” Sometimes grief seemingly comes out of nowhere, even when we think we have it ‘sorted’ or ‘dealt with’ and accepted what we have needed to learn. Just goes to show, there are always deep pockets of grief in our body there to let go of, and its better out than in..
I needed to read this thank you Johanne. I have recently discovered deep pockets of grief in my body about an incident that I thought I had dealt with but no there is more. And I am now allowing it to rise to the surface (after a few weeks of trying to eat all the food in the world to not feel it!) and allowing the tears to roll.
Thanks for sharing Heather, death and passing is a topic that many feel uncomfortable to talk about and to support others with, but like you say, it is a part of the cycle that we all live in, and there is no way to avoid it even if we turn a blind eye and not talk about it. Talking about things, sharing and expressing helps to bring understanding, and with that, there is no place for fear or worry.
“We talked about things that mattered to us and had the chance to deepen our relationship as their time in this cycle was becoming short.” it feels both great that you were able to have the opportunity but also a reflection to many of us to ask about how we are living with people and the quality of relationships we have with people, the question I feel is if I or someone passed over today – would I have expressed all in full to them?
To be able to be there for someone that is in the final stages of life and to be able to let go of wanting to hold onto them but allow them to gracefully pass over and begin the unfoldment of our immortal lives is holding them in the Love that we feel for each other. Those connections that are so deep and mean the world to us are honouring our natural cycles with each other and God.
Not seeing life as it truly is, only delays our evolution and journey back to a love we all want and know deeply within, that we all essentially are from. Death for me has never been a scary thing, just something that happens eventually and I most definitely believe in reincarnation as this makes absolute sense to me as to how our lives are and what we are here to learn and do.
There is in all of us a deep knowing that we have been here before, many times. If we followed its lead, we would not be absolutely devastated by grief as some people unfortunately are; we would understand ourselves and others much better and start seeing the bigger picture of the cycles we are a part of. Our knowing is there, it just gets buried under all the dross that we accumulate and put on top of it.
I like you Heather have always known that death is not the end and we will be back to clean up the mess we have left behind or not depending on how we left it. I feel deep down we all know that life and death is just a cycle, I tried once to say I didn’t believe in God and when you died that was it, because I was a bit lost at the time, but I never believed it for a second really, as the inner knowing was just too strong.
Going through the dying process is a great opportunity for all concerned to look back and re-evaluate their life and the choices they made. There is often regret at the choices they made and this may be why we feel sad when someone is dying – especially if there is a sense of having wasted a life by not engaging fully in it.
Having “an attachment to how I want life to be” delays us from accepting life as it is and makes us strive towards the picture we have in mind which often means that we impose on other people and do not understand why they are a certain way.
Beautifully expressed Heather. When someone close passes it’s easier to feel the essence of what they brought to the world, and this can be a bitter/sweet realisation as the unhealed childhood hurts that prevent us from fully appreciating a person’s qualities when they are alive can be fully felt. We create pictures based on these hurts, pictures designed to protect and justify, and it is the reactions based on these that cause our grief.
Thank you Heather. It is almost expected that when someone close, particularly a parent, dies, that a person will feel devastated. It is often seen as such a sad event, and so terrible in our western society. But what you’ve shared Heather feels very natural and I feel an ease with how you’ve told your story.
Understanding the truth about death and dying and the cycles we live in and our evolution really makes so much difference to our lives and that of others. Yesterday I was with my cousins and aunts before my Uncle’s funeral today and it was amazing to feel the strength holding and support offered by simply being there and the consistency and steadiness this offered. It is with great thanks to Serge Benhayon for all the light he has brought to us all on what is really going on and how to live and be in the world lovingly.
Death of a loved one can certainly open up our vulnerability and make us feel more raw – it can be a direct way to access our deepest parts, which if we surrender to, also then comes with immense warmth, strength and love.
“I find myself feeling sadness for some of the choices they made while they were here – how I would have liked things to be different for them, and how I would have liked us all, as a family, to be closer. And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.” I find this a tremendously wise observation of how we get caught into striving to make life fit an illusionary ideal and in doing so thereby not deal with the reality of the life we living. This inevitable leads to a feeling dissatisfaction with life. However, by being truly truthful with what occurs in our life one can follow your example Heather of, “Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it”.
“… observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go…” What enormous potential for healing there is available from the sadness of the passing over a loved one. In the letting go of the person, is the capacity to let go of the ‘stuff’ that gets in the way of love.
Heather it was clear how supportive a foundation of love for yourself was and how it did allow you to go to a deeper level of grief, sadness and letting go of such hurts so you could go though a healing process around your parents’ death. The matter of fact approach we can take about such things as death and dying may be based on truth, but can still be held as a belief. It shows how important it is to let go of such beliefs and come into the raw feeling of life and relationships. We only hold beliefs when we do not want to feel what is truly going on.
This is really interesting when we consider the attachments we have to things and poeple in life. We can not truly hold onto anything for if we try in truth it is an energy which has a hold over us.
Grief does have elements of sadness and regret, especially when things have been left unsaid, but it is a huge learning process as you describe Heather. It exposes our decisions and choices made in the past, but can also show us a way forward to a greater foundation for taking more responsibility for the future, when we choose to learn from it.
I think for many facing the prospect of dying is inherent with fear and unknown. It is without a doubt seen as an end, and can be a time when a pondering of what is important in life, and has that life been well lived. With the support of Universal Medicine I have come to see that death is a step to the next life, and that it is not an end, but a beginning.
That feeling when someone dies and the world carries on as normal can be very confronting, it is also confirming that we keep going, death is simply a step from one world to another.
I’ve always believed the saying “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” (Albert Einstein) – and this has been a foundation of the simple fact that death is simply the door to the next step. It confirms the eternal nature of the soul, and ultimately asks us to be more responsible.
I love what you have shared here about cycles… it supports me to release my grip on life.
When my parents died I had grief for the hard and struggled life we have lived together this lifetime, grief for the inability there was to connect on that deeper level in which we are all one and connected through love.
Thank you Vanessa for this beautiful sharing. It highlights to me that the more we surrender to who we are within, to the cycles we are in and are a part of, the more we then have access to all the answers and understanding that we need to guide us freely to our next moment. We then have no need for control as we are connected to a wisdom, that is in essence everything we could ever want or need.
This has also been my experience Heather, thank you for sharing this, “Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.”
Grief can and does offer much healing when we allow the honesty to see it for what it is. Often our grief is for our loss, reflecting the greater separation from our nature, not solely for the other, although it is natural to miss the physical presence of a loved one who has passed. Understanding of the cycles of life and the fact that we are all part of this continuity, just passing through, brings a greater purpose to our life.
‘So, with my parents passing, my ‘knowing’ has not for one moment wavered and I know that they have merely come to the end of a cycle and now begin another.’ We all know truth because we are actually made of it. It is who we are so to recognise this at a time when convention tells us otherwise (death of a parent or two is justifiably emotional, sad and a loss that is traumatic) is to understand life and reflect this to others. A truly evolving experience to be appreciated Heather.
It is normal to grieve, especially when faced with the physical loss of a loved one close to us. However, the depth of grief we often experience in such situations is exacerbated because of our disconnection to the true pulse of life. Connect to that, and you realise the endless nature of what we call life – that there is no beginning and no end based on mere physicality. Such profound realisation helps us to understand grief more deeply and to put it in its rightful place. For the fact is that there are things we grieve that actually go unacknowledged that are much deeper than the grief we feel from the death of another. In other words, all too often our true grief – that we are separated from the magnificence of our own origins – is so deeply buried that it often becomes misplaced without us realising that it is so.
All those simple seemingly small everyday choices that we make actually do make a difference, either supporting us through more challenging times or undermining us. Thank you Heather for sharing the power of building a loving foundation in your life.
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it” – Heather, to have this awareness is profound. We can keep ourselves in an emotional prison for lifetimes when all we need to do is simply re-connect back to the love that is already there.
When my father died I remember making a conscious decision to accept the grief. I knew that I could stuff it down and carry on, but I could feel that this would make me ill. I chose to accept the grief, and I allowed myself to feel it fully. I felt like I was under water for 4 months while it processed through me. and then it felt like I bobbed up to the surface when it had cleared. This was one of the most challenging things I have ever done, but one that allowed me to clear the grief from my body and not hold onto it for years to come.
There is a belief at the moment that life is to be preserved no matter what the quality, doctors must prevent death at every possible opportunity (bad for the hospital figures too!) . For sure, we want doctors to help and look after us, but there must come a time when there is a natural end to our cycle. When we can feel this time has come, it helps others around us to let go of their issues and their grief. Maybe their loss will be less knowing that we are content with the process.
Most of us don’t see ourselves for who we truly are without all the roles, pictures, identity or material possessions, so when someone close to us dies we struggle to see who they truly were too and often cling to a picture that they presented to the world too. It’s beautiful and shows how you are with yourself Heather that you could see past your parents’ choices and really see them. This is the most healing and loving way we can offer another at the end of their cycle.
There certainly is a great deal of healing offered when someone close to us dies. It shows us that life is transient, and that life goes on. It shows us all our sticking places where we try to make things permanent or get attached. We can relate this to other things in life where we try to make things permanent. It is a massive lesson in learning to let go.
Perhaps the reason we fear death so much is that deep down we know it is the ultimate form of responsibility. It is a time of reckoning, an energetic stock-take if you will where the energetic quality of how we have been living is exposed and called to account. Many people feel a sense of sadness or regret as they approach the end of their life or if they are supporting another in the same and maybe this is because we suddenly get to feel how we have been living up until that point. Every day, every moment really does matter.
Death really feels like the ultimate surrender to me as it cannot be avoided and we cannot control its timing or prevent it indefinitely. I feel we do have a say however in the quality of our passing over and this begins with how we are living our life now today.
This stood out for me too -“Thanks to the work of Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I have been so much more aware of how childhood hurts and imprints have governed my life and consequently played out in the choices I’ve made at the deepest level.” I also have learnt that I am not defined by these experiences and like you, have been able to heal and let go of so much, thanks to Serge Benhayon and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom.
A beautiful blog Heather and such depth of learning and accepting – I love especially your realisations that we are truly not our hurts and that they are just something we take on; this makes it so much easier to let go and reconnect to who we really are.
The let go is such a mixed bag area. Some things are easy to let go. Others are not that easy. Yet, I feel the let go is pretty natural. My feeling is that the only thing that stands in its way is our needs. We need (hence we use) somehow what we want to hold onto.
This is a beautiful blog showing clearly that how we live really does effect everything and can bring a real strength and understanding to our lives. “Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.”
A very admirable trait to feel the love within without being sucked in to emotions.
Sometimes, I have found that giving myself the space to simply feel what I feel – frustration, sadness or grief gives you the space to let it pass and learn from it. Grief is a common feeling when someone passes, but rather than expecting and giving yourself away to it, the fact you learnt and grew from the feeling is amazing.
Allowing oneself the time to feel a sadness, a feeling of missing a loved one is actually a very precious and needed time to take. It is through our relationships with others that we grow and evolve – by living with and interacting with others, we learn so many things about ourselves and about others, about understanding and about love. And more often than not it is others in our lives that remind us of a deeper connection with self – so when they die or pass away, we feel a sadness – a sadness that represents a part of ourselves we have not stopped to love up as we have often relied upon another to do this for us. Hence the growth through relationships – we feel the ‘loss’ and hence the sadness and from here comes the opportunity for us to connect deeper with ourselves.
I love returning to this story Heather, because of the different gems in it. This part..’Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it’ is an enormous reflection for us to feel how we can move on from and let go of the emotions felt with grief, and feel the healing we receive with the journey once we connect to love. It is very clear to me how holding on to emotions can make us ill, it is so empowering to let them go.
Thank you Heather. An understanding of reincarnation changes how we view and experience birth, life and death from being separate events, into a continuous, never-ending cycle for the purpose of returning over and over to ‘Earth School’ until we return to love in full. Being born into a different physical body with the energetic imprints of all that we have not chosen to expose and clear in the previous life – everything simply being carried forward to the next to learn from.
when we lose a loved one and feel grief – we often don’t question it and neither does society – it’s seen as OK to be emotional and sad ecetera when someone dies. What I love about this sharing is the willingness to look at what else comes up when feeling grief – why do I feel this way and what have I not let go of. If we can look at grief in this way, an opportunity to let go, then how healing is that!
Beautiful Heather – you show us what healing is and what investments are and how these are resulting in pain and grief, and the importance of healing and letting go. Without judgement your blog teaches mankind, that there is another way and that there is everything beyond physical existence. We are energetic, before we have or are anything else.
My feeling is that we get caught in an emotional, self-indulgent form of grief that has more to do with own separation than the loss of anyone. After being to many funerals including my father’s 53 years ago and my mother’s last year, I saw grief in others as just another emotion that drained their energy!
The childhood hurts and grief that I held from my father’s passing when I was nine, was as I now see it, a learnt response from what those around me had shown. Fast forward 53 years and my mother’s passing held no emotional attachment. All thanks to the unfolding path that Serge Benhayon has shared about the truth of reincarnation, which my body had felt as being true even at a young age.
“It’s been quite interesting to note how other people in my life have responded to my bereavements with feelings of sympathy, making assumptions about how I must be feeling”. It is so common in society for people to feel they have to sympathize with those who have lost a loved one, but we are all different in the way we react to this situation. I remember some years ago talking with a young friend whose mother was widowed suddenly when her father died on an overseas trip. She shared with me that her mother hated it when people sympathized with her, thinking they were helping, but actually making her feel far more upset than she was already feeling. Yes, we may need support of some kind, but sympathy is not the way to go. It does not feel right to make assumptions on how people must be feeling.
This blog made me consider the times where I too have prepared for the impending death of a love one, noticing that it is my work to be done to clear old beliefs, attachments and investments of how I would like life to be for me. When they have passed I have felt sadness but it seemed a necessary letting go of how I would miss their physical presence and reflection in my life.
“Putting one’s ‘beliefs’ aside, it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life.” This is very true Heather, and it is this fear that fuels the enormous grief and turmoil that so many expericence when a loved one passes over.
Accepting supports us to let go and supports everyone around us to understand and to move on.
We often entangle our own regrets into another’s passing..
Choosing to stop and feel grief in any situation, is a wonderful opportunity to expose all the ideals, beliefs and old momentums that perpetuate it. It can feel very scary and wobbly at first, but the openness felt in the body as it gets worked through, is empowering and confirming of the fact that we are so much more than we ‘think’ we are and the grief is minute against the infinite stillness innate within our essence.
‘I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end.’ This is true for me too Heather, I didn’t know what the next stage brought, but I always knew this body this lifetime was a vessel to hold whatever was inside the real me. Understanding so much more with the teachings of Serge Benhayon, I am becoming aware of patterns and previous journeys I have made and can see the future being more joyful than the past. Feeling how these cycles work is hugely empowering and I really appreciate these sorts of dialogue, so exposing the hurts and regrets we feel in grief really is very healing.
There is so much wisdom in this piece of writing. It is the lived love of you taking responsibility to be aware of the truth about death and dying / reincarnation.
I love how you expressed this Felix, and it feels totally awesome to connect to that lived love which then enables us to take responsibility so much easier.
This is a beautifully supportive blog Heather, especially for people who are going through a similar healing process. Grief is something that many people take a long time to heal. What you’ve shared is full of wisdom and inspiring us to observe how grief affects us and people close to us. Also support us to understand the cycle of death and to let go of any fear around death and dying. It is just a very natural process.
It is natural to grieve when we feel separated from another. What we do not however acknowledge is the grief we often carry from being separated to our true selves, and it is from this separation that we seek connection in ways that are always not true – and so we get caught in hanging on to things outside of us in order to make us feel complete – and that can also mean using a relationship with another to complete us. And so, when that person leaves us, yes we feel grief, but that grief is often compounded by the fact that we feel the emptiness of our own disconnection all the more acutely once that person is no longer there to fill the void so to speak. And so the grief becomes often overwhelming and consumes us. If we had a greater foundation within ourselves, however, and a lived understanding of our own innate connection with all things, we would be better placed to handle such “tragedy” as we call it, even though death is in fact just an inevitable part of the ongoing cycle of life.
Who are our ‘loved ones’? Are they people we love more than others, or people we have a close connection with in our lives? Is the love we have for them different than the love we feel for others? Do we have a special love for these people, or are we more attached to them because we are blood related?
When someone is dying it is a wonderful opportunity to reassess one’s relationship with them and with oneself. Any regrets we may have show us where we have not been living and expressing to the full and the dying process gives us a chance to say what we wanted to say and to examine the beliefs and expectations we may have about the person and how we should be in relation to them.
I am really appreciating this opportunity to consider my relationship with dying and to bring more responsibility into my days – as in, is there stuff that I would like to do or say before I or someone in my life does die, if so, making space for this to happen.
Yes I so relate Matilda, it is very healing and loving to make that space and express what has not been expressed, it can and will make such a difference.
To have the opportunity to prepare for passing is a blessing and one we should all take up if possible. Preparing for our own death or a loved one’s death is paramount for a smoother transition.
Maybe part of the struggle when ‘passing over’ is the realisation that we could have brought and lived so much more of our true selves, that knowing that, once again, we’ve had an opportunity to be the divine being that we are and we’ve not lived up to it, we’ve chosen to stay small, we try to hold on, to be given more time, we don’t want to let go.
With grief we have the opportunity to be very honest about what it is we are actually grieving for …. is it the ‘loss’ of a loved one, or is it the fact that we never truly connected with them in the way we know we could have?
“Thanks to the work of Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I have been so much more aware of how childhood hurts and imprints have governed my life and consequently played out in the choices I’ve made at the deepest level.” This has been a HUGE one for me too and once my eyes were opened to this, I see how much it governs so many people. If we all took the responsibility to heal our hurts, the world would be a much different place.
It is the lack of true love within our relationships I grieved when my parents passed over and the end of an opportunity for me to express all that I held back expressing with them.
If certain religious beliefs say that there is only one life on earth and that if you believe and have done good deeds then there is the reward of an everlasting life in heaven, what does not make sense to me then is why do people when they pass over and die still struggle to the end. Believing I feel does not give the substance that truly living does. What if we walked our entire life, being present to all our choices and come to the point of passing over, how would we feel then and if along the way we also dealt with our hurts and communicated with the people involved to the best of our ability, then how would they feel also?
The feeling of loss is a poignant reflection for me to see where there is attachment in the temporal life, it is a powerful reminder to surrender.
This sharing is a great example of how emotional trauma from the past can clear out of our bodies when we choose to connect and live in a way that embraces new understanding and awareness. The old simply cannot live in such a body. It may seem to be a surprise when it surfaces to clear but it is truly a blessing.
By deepening our love for ourselves and solidifying our relationship with God, all in life is supported. Even situations we once would have held as devastating.
And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like. How many of us get caught in this trap of the ‘ perfect family picture’ and become discontent with our own families. When I was younger I always wished I had a different family, but now that I am all grown up (took responsibility for my choices) I can now accept and love my family in full – which is a huge turn around for me!
In a recent experience of losing a parent, I found that I had the greatest sorrow at not being able to love this person anymore. But then I had to stop myself and say – there is no reason to stop loving someone just because their physical body no longer lives. The essence they are continues to live elsewhere, and I can hold them lovingly in my heart forever.
Beautiful Shami for the heart knows no distance or separation.
When our loved ones pass on there can be alot of unresolved hurts and emotions attached to the relationship that come up that can feel rather overwhelming for many.
Heather I love your sharing about what grief has brought to you, observing instead of indulging in emotions can bring us healing and clarity. And a true way forward.
‘And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ I know this one too Heather, and I agree there is a need and not accepting how things are going their own way as everyone is in his or her own cycle and development. When we understand what our lives are truly about it is way more easier to let go of the ideals and beliefs we have taken on but are definitely not who we are.
Starting the conversation about death and dying in this way is great and so refreshing Heather – bringing a lightness and natural sensibility to this time of our life.
Understanding life is all about cycles allows us to understand death and dying with a less emotional demeanour and instead seeing it more as a celebration of a life lived and a continuation in the wheel of evolution.
I too have always known that reincarnation exists but I am finding that there is no need to tell people this knowing. People can feel it within me and it is their choice as to whether they choose to feel or not.
I have always had this ‘strange’ by any normal standards, deep understanding of death. Even as a small child I knew we were so much more than just our flesh and bones and the solemn sense of finality was not true.
Thank you for your candid sharing and revelations Heather. The majority see death under the shadow of illusion where in truth it is an opportunity for deep healing and personal reflection on the quality in which those touched by death have been living their lives and an opportunity for change.
Great to have this topic shared, and to bring more acceptance that death is just the end of one cycle, and how supportive to celebrate that.
A beautiful heartfelt blog bringing a real approach to the cycle of death, dying and rebirth for all to ponder on and know inside us. Surrendering to all we are and allowing our natural process is really lovely to feel and the importance you show to grieving is beautiful and to be acknowledged and felt also.
Is it possible that we indulge in the drama of death, lap up the feelings of bereavement and wallow in the sorrow of it all…so as to avoid the bigger picture that is being shown to us. It seems like the social norms that we have built around death are perfectly designed for us all to be blind as to what is truly being offered to us all. Because if we hereto start seeing death for what it actually is, then we would all have to be taking far greater responsibility for our lives.
Death is an amazing opportunity for evolution – not just for the person dying, but for those all around them. This brings to light the responsibility that we all have. We are all going to die (of that there is no question!) and so it strikes me how important it is that we support those that we are going to leave behind. On a very practical level, this means sorting out all of our affairs and laying down as much support as possible so that those left behind aren’t dealing with a tsunami of unfinished business and loose ends. A clean slate – that would be an amazing gift to leave behind.
I agree ottobathurst, doing everything we can in the quality of love to support those we leave behind is taking responsibility.
Heather there is so much around death and dying that needs exposing and you have done just that in this blog. Death and the lead up to it can be joy full and really healing, yet that is far from society’s current view. Having worked with many dying residents I can see how much pain is caused by fighting the unknown and holding on when the body just wants to surrender. When we see dying as part of another cycle we do not need to cause ourselves untold misery.
And perhaps that is the lesson we are all here to learn is to stop the fight, the resistance and the delay in returning to our natural divine essence, because when we do this allows the beautiful quality of surrender to fill our bodies for it is in this surrender that grace can flow. If we can learn to surrender to whatever life presents and not wait until death is on our door, there is no better preparation for leaving our physical bodies when living and knowing the art of surrender.
Recently a dear friend passed over. I feel the loss of the person I knew – I miss them and feel very sad knowing that I will not see them again. But I also feel deeply blessed for the understanding I have that for them they are returning home, that there is great joy in Heaven for their ‘birth’, and that they will be back before too many years, to live another cycle of life on the Path of Return we are all walking upon.
It’s interesting to observe the common ‘chain of emotion’ that occurs after someone passes away… Feelings of grief in the family members and friends are often met with feelings of sympathy by those who are aware of the passing. We could choose to respond to this event in a very different way; feel joy for the completion of life and the lessons on offer from the situation, which would spark a chain of inspiration rather than desperation or grief.
Heather I know about a dozen people who’ve had family member pass over in the past week or so. And quite honestly I found some of them difficult to speak with, work colleagues and the like, the awkward discussion where I think I must say something. When I read your blog again I get the feeling that just asking someone how they feel and how they are going is all that is needed, to assume anything else or try and say the right thing doesn’t work. But I now understand that to ask that question can only come if we are open to discuss the whole topic of death, grief and dying.
Re-reading your blog Heather and I am appreciating the beauty in what you have expressed. Passing from this life is a truly beautiful part of life and it is so important that the current widely held perceptions of death and dying are not left as they are without the truth of this being available through lived experience being expressed such as this.
The reality of death and facing the truth of how we have lied is all too common a cause of fear and stress at the end of our lives.`Surrendering to the all is all that is required with a trust and knowing that all will be taken care of and the support is always there if we allow ourselves to choose it. This is an amazing wisdom and brings true responsibility and a way of living to the forefront of our life lovingly.
‘Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.’
The more we can build a foundation of love in our lives the more it supports us in so many ways, and at the same time, making each moment as an opportunity to learn and to bring love to everything we do.
Once we accept that re-incarnation is a natural part of the cycle of life and death then it becomes easier to let go of our loved ones and not remain attached to the past. Yes, we can miss their physical presence but it is more honouring of them to let them go to continue on their journey. It is through the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom that I have a clearer understanding of the cycle of life and death and after spending most of my teenage years living with a morbid fear of death and dying this comes as a complete relief knowing that it is not the end forever, it is just moving on to another realm and something we have all done many times before.
‘Putting one’s ‘beliefs’ aside, it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life. Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events.’ So true Heather, letting go, surrendering can be such a struggle and yet it lets the Universe’s wisdom through.
Awesome title Heather… shifting a paradigm! How many people would consider grief to be a healing, an opportunity to learn and grow, to appreciate ourselves and others, and to be inspired.
Holding a very steady foundation for ourselves when someone is passing feels to me the most loving support I can offer them. Knowing that situations from the past that are hanging around wanting to cause upset and emotions to rise come from holding on to beliefs and pictures that life was meant to turn out differently from the current truth. But it is the now that tells the truth to how we have lived and when the process of leaving this life is with us there is no time like the present to be with the sum of our choices.
Its amazing the process of death and allowing ourselves to feel what comes up during this time. The most important thing is not to dismiss these feelings. Looking at the ideals and beliefs that we have around death is such a refreshing and empowering process.
Imagine if we experienced this situation you describe Heather, but we took this grief and decided it wasn’t quite right. What would happen if we decided it shouldn’t be seen, and did our level best to eradicate it from life? Well, then wouldn’t we walk around with a smile on our face and do our everyday acts but deep down wouldn’t this misery still be underneath? Imagine if we have buried and covered over many feelings of sadness in our lives. Well, then it is easy to understand how our body may become loaded up with emotion, and very disconnected from the persona we put out to the people we meet. Surely this is a recipe for illness and disease in itself. So wow, what would it be like to no longer cover up, hide and attempt to remove sadness? What would our world be like if we just let it be? This is what your writing inspires me to try and see what it feels like.
“…this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.” I understand this Heather and it is something that I have been looking at where I am more accepting of with my parents and their choices, but I have found it more difficult to be accepting of my children’s choices. As you have shared, this relates back to an image of how I think life should be rather than acceptance of the reality of how my life is.
Knowing reincarnation as a fact provides a different perspective on life and a different sense of purpose, both for oneself and for those dying. When we can accept this life as preparation for our next one and all the ones thereafter it makes sense of our choices past and present.
Observing life in cycles brings so much more sense, understanding and purpose about life.
Johanne I agree, cycles feel like circles or spirals that repeat and fold in on themselves, whereas we seem to view life as a flat line, dropping off one end at the point of death. Makes you realise that we haven’t really moved on very much from our belief that the world is flat!
I love reading and re-reading this blog and learn more each time I read it. How beautiful to let these burdens go, let the love in and be honest about the possibilities that were missed out on. Unexpressed love, sadly so. Letting my parents in in full is something I can feel that is hugely important for me. Slowly I’m learning to do so, allow myself to feel the appreciation and love I hold for them. Rather than being judgemental and behaving childish, ever wanted more. A beautiful forever evolving turn around.
It’s inspiring to read your experience of and the feelings you had during the process of your parents passing away, and there’s a lot we can learn from others about this if the conversation is opened up about death.. All too often it’s not shared and seen as a taboo topic.
Death has always been a morose subject. The whole wearing black for what, could it be a representation of us slipping into the eternal darkness? Rubbish! Death is going to the light and should be a celebration!
If everything is energy, which it is, and energy cannot cease to exist but can only transform into another form of energy, then we as human beings, made of energy cannot cease to exist….. therefore life cannot end it can only transform…..and death becomes a beginning not ‘the end’ as we have been led to believe.
Death and dying need not be approached with fear and sadness for in truth it is an opportunity for healing and renewal for all involved, and with this understanding can actually be a time of celebration.
Control often comes as an issue when someone has a life threatening disease, because it is a journey we aren’t able to speed up or slow down. Making our self-loving choices supports us through this time and a trust that it will be all it needs to be for us to learn, not fight along the way.
If we look at death and dying in this way (it not being the end) we do not only allow ourselves to live through this phase lightly, but also offer healing to those around us who bought into the illusion of death being the end of life.
Death is not really death at all, but the opportunity for a new beginning.
Feeling a loss of any sort and understanding why I made choices in a non judgmental way but in a way that I can learn from for lifetimes to come is part of the gems I gathered from The Way of the Livingness.
Beliefs about life and death are born out of needing to control what we don’t know and cannot control. Allowing space for a cycle to complete is a totally different approach and opens one up to receive all the love and connection to the soul that is possible.
Without the work I had chosen to do on myself through the many Universal Medicine courses and healing sessions, I could not have felt the absolute joy I did as my mother passed on. I was able to offer healing to support her to let go, being in pain and in hospital very ill and knew to the day when she would go. There was no grief at that time, as I had cleared it a month before, knowing what it was about in preparation for the support that I was then able to offer. This is one of a growing number of times of my life when a knowing took over and it became a distinctly potent marker about how life in service can be.
The recent passing of my brother brought up regrets and sadness, remembering the brother I knew when we were young. Once I could see I was holding onto the past it was much easier to celebrate the passing of his life with the many friends he had.
I find when I live life based on time – everything has a deadline, just like my life and so I then see things as needing to be achieved, or I get a sense or failure especially if I have been wasting ‘time’. But the more I see each moment as an opportunity to learn and to bring love to the less focused I am on the result/outcome and so the less I pay attention to time – and crazily enough I end up getting way more done! So just with life if I focus on the inevitability of death sure enough I will not end up doing all the things I am here to do as a lot of time will be spent worrying will I have enough time to achieve the goals!!
‘…regrets about life not being different in terms of my relationship with my parents.’ Surely this is what we truly fear about death – it brings a finality to the opportunity to change the way we are in particular relationships and therefore exposes all of those ways in which we have not been love in all we do, expressing all that we are.
I love what you share Michael. We fear having to face all our choices and lack of true love.
There seems to be two different ways to living life as death approaches. One is to take advantage of every minute and live in a pretty driven-motion life (till the end or till the body resists). The other is to deepen the capacity to surrender to life …..and to death. This is a very personal choice.
Beautifully expressed Eduardo…’to deepen the capacity to surrender to life…and to death’.
This is a beautiful, heartfelt blog, thank you Heather. This is an important topic to ponder as our folks grow older. It can be easily put off for other things. But this time must be faced by all. You have done it with deep loving, sensitivity and dignity.
You often hear people say when someone dies after a long protracted illness that they are better off now, which is true because we get to come back with a fresh body. But, if we did not accept our part and our responsibility in what took us out… are we just going to start the cycle again?
I lately had an experience with a friend passing over. I felt more sadness as with my mother passing over and I was able to see how much I would have loved to save her and how much I went into sympathy with her and how my investment not coming from true love created the sadness and not her passing over.
I have found the same around grief, that it is an opportunity to heal. There is the physically missing someone’s presence but actually, when you know they have just gone home, that feels small.
I have always believed in reincarnation too… that there cannot be just this one life, there has to be a bigger purpose to being here. And I wonder if our grief comes from feeling the separation we have felt in our relationships over the years… those times (often many) when there was a lack of true connection with another, and perhaps we actually miss ourselves in these relationships.
Thank you Heather there is much to consider in all you have shared – reincarnation, cycles, missed opportunities in relationships, life, death…and yet we all experience them all. However it is how we live and build our relationship with ourself that determines how we are in all these areas. Universal Medicine has meant I have gained a greater understanding as well as confirming that which I had already felt to be true.
Heather, this is very beautiful, ‘Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.’ It is very inspiring to read how solid your foundation is Heather and how this allowed you to stay steady and not get swept up by emotions around your parents passing.
These attachments, wanting family to be closer or more harmonious, can really stop us surrendering and just accepting life as it is at this point in time, ‘I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ Another image or picture for us to let go of.
I was on the other side of the world when both my parents passed, my mother first and my father six years later. I have also always felt the knowing that reincarnation was what it is and never questioned it. Both my parents passing was not a surprise when it came, after years of protracted illnesses. Pondering back on growing up they were only doing the same thing every generation is trying to do and make their children’s lives easier than theirs were. Releasing our childhood hurts has been so much easier when we lose the blame we had placed on our problems at the feet of our parents. We carry hurts from many lifetimes that when left unhealed they become the snowball rolling down the hill, and we carry them with us life after life. I now see passing over a celebration, and the more can heal before I go, makes the journey part of my evolution rather than a game reset.
Heather thank you for sharing your experience of passing over and the grief and healing process. It’s a topic that so many of us avoid talking about, not sure how to deal with it or what may happen – how we are meant to feel. Yet what I get a sense of is the more we talk about it, the less afraid of it we become as we understand its part of a cycle and not the end of line. Often the fact it is not discussed creates more fear and uncertainty than if it was an everyday topic of conversation.
The responsibility we have is to be express love and appreciation in the here and now when people are with us, than be regretful when they pass over.
If we opened up to everything that we close down to, we would be home with God in a trice.
“…it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life.” possibly because we have not lived with fullness of expressing our truth and that we have held back our love for humanity, so in regret we fear the facing the end of life.
The dying process does bring into focus where we have not been truly living life and it is a wonderful opportunity for everyone to be more real and open and to feel the grief of the choices we made that were suppressing our life. When my mother was dying we both faced the patterns that had fixed us into certain ways of behaving and it gave us a chance to examine them together and see them as something we had chosen and therefore that we could choose to let go of as well. If we can allow dying to be a letting go process we can make huge changes in preparation for passing over.
“I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.”
Heather, I love how you say ‘unwavering love’ – it is there within us all for us to connect to at any moment, we just have to choose to look within rather than want it from the outside.
This investment we have in ‘the way things should be’ , whether in our family dynamics, or otherwise, has for me been about trying to control the outer world to suit my inner picture of what is a ‘perfect life’. But this is not only unattainable, it is exhausting to the human body, as there is no acceptance of the way things are for others. We can only control our own movements and the way we live our life, along with our awareness, which will grow when not tainted by the fog that’s created when we have a need for it to be a certain way.
A timely supportive re read today Heather. Thank you.
What you say here I definitely feel is true ‘it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life.’ Currently we do not talk about death enough or how we choose to live only until we are near to dying. I recently heard some woman mention a woman they went to see in a hospice, the woman who was dying wanted to talk about death but her family did not want to go there ultimately not allowing her to express fears or anything that was going on for herself. We should be able to talk about death. It also has been highlighted to me the importance of wills and making a will, that in taking time to do this we are lovingly putting plans in place, making it simpler for loved ones but it also gives us an opportunity to reflect on how we are living now and make loving changes needed. Everything matters and how we live affects how we die, although as you say this is a never ending cycle until every single one of us has understanding about why we are on earth and the purpose of this life. Then we will evolve to the next level. When we allow ourselves to be and feel vulnerable, like when a loved one dies the healing is very gentle and holding.
There is a strong dose of perspective death brings. The reflection is absolute and hence offers so much growth.
Some say death is actually a birth – in other words when we die in our physical world it simply means that we leave behind the physical vehicle and are ‘born’ (i.e. re-enter) another less earthly vibration. And likewise we could say too that when we leave the less earthy vibration to come to earth it is actually a form of death as we take on the physical body and ‘descend’ into a more dense vibration. So the question is which world is real? Or are they perhaps both ‘real’ only just in different ways? Could it be that the less earthy existence is just not measurable with earth measurement means? Could it be that there is more to life on earth than meets the eye?
I can feel the truth of what you are touching on here, Heather, regarding the regrets and sadness of the lack of love shared and expressed with those who have passed. And this sadness is there with all relationships until we make love a priority, rather than letting our hurts take precedence in our daily lives.
It is revealing to consider that we grieve about something so inevitable as death, but do not grieve for the way so many of us live. For it is in the way most of us allow ourselves to live that is the greatest tragedy.
I like the sentence “I have always known that death is not the end”. Like you Heather I get a deeper understanding about dying and the ongoing process of coming again to this world. When I was a child I was raised in a Christian family, I never understood the fact that we have only one life and how it can be that babies are born with illnesses. It makes a lot of sense that there is an ongoing process in so called dying and returning to earth. If we as humanity would grasp what this process truly means for us, we would not have a world full of corruption, hate and abuse.
Until attending Universal Medicine presentations and workshops, I had no idea how imposing sympathy was – it was just what you offered in sad situations. It wasn’t until I came to understand the energetics of sympathy – to feel it in my body when I went into that energy that I could feel how awful it was to give and could feel how imposing it was to receive. It makes a judgement that life must be awful for the person it is directed at and doesn’t allow them the space to express what they are truly feeling.
“…it seems to me that many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life.” Maybe it’s because we know deep down inside we haven’t lived a true life… we have known life around us wasn’t true, and yet we didn’t live the truth we knew and felt.
” Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events.” A great point Heather, we think we are in control but ultimately we have to ‘ drop the reins’ and surrender to the cycle of life that we were never in control of anyway, we were just resisting the life lessons that were the point of returning to this life cycle to live and learn.
‘Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over. But I could also feel the healing that came with this.’ Acceptance, is acceptance of all our feelings and the process that needs to happen.
Surrendering feels like a huge part of the dying process. It seems that if we have been able to surrender in our everyday life to ourselves, others, situations and events, then the surrender to ageing, terminal illness and the body’s degeneration would come naturally.
Many times grief has surprised me and it is not just the passing of a person but the loss of a friend moving away or the change of a situation. Many times it is because it is the picture I held onto can longer continue and so the grieving is mixed up with the fear of the unknown. Understanding the root cause of the flood of the emotions helps it to move on.
Universal Medicine has opened the door for me to choose a life rather than an existence and your sharing about death and life have confirmed this for me again Heather. Thank you.
Before both my biological parents died, nineteen years ago (father), sixteen years ago (mother), I was graced and given the wisdom to release past resentments and hurts. I wrote letters to them both, had conversations, apologised for words spoken in haste or in reaction and expressed my appreciation for all they had given me. At the time I didn’t know when they would die, but moved by a strong impulse to express gratitude, there and then and not delay. I’m glad I did. And even if we haven’t been able to express appreciation and gratitude to loved ones before they die, because everything is energy, and the wonder of God, its a blessing to know we can still heal past relationships retrospectively.
Being willing to heal our own hurts provides a sound platform to extend our love to those around us, make connections and drop once held grievances. We don’t have to wait for anyone to move towards us, we can be the ones moving towards family and community, with open hearts, regardless of what’s happened in the past.
‘This ‘knowing’ doesn’t come from a need to ‘believe’ that there is more after this life or a desperate needing to make sense of life, but from an absolute knowing in my body that we all experience cycles of life in the form of reincarnation, and that I have been on this merry-go-round many times before, as have we all.’ This makes so much difference to how we feel about death and dying. Too often our understanding of things and therefore our emotions are from beliefs that we hold. Dispelling these with something that you know from within means there is no apprehension, fear or anxiety as the knowing comes with a knowing of so much more. Not only do we know that we are on a cycle of reincarnation, but also why, and we can feel the love in the whole process. Our knowing from within comes from our connection to our heart and all the love and support we may require is there.
You’ve shared an important point that there are reflections and things to learn from everything, even the process of your family members or those close to you passing over can offer some life-changing lessons if we are open to them.
We avoid grief in the same way that we avoid anything that we deem painful, like the proverbial plague. In avoiding pain, we avoid reconnecting back to the truth of who we all are. That’s not to say that we need to wallow in pain to return to the truth of who we are but pain is the phantom gatekeeper that stands between us and ourselves.
A work colleague told me the other day that her father, whom she hadn’t been close to at all, had died and it was interesting to observe her response to my interaction with her; I was not offering any expressions of grief or sympathy, just asking how it had been for her and giving her the space to ponder and reflect without any expectations of how it should have been or how it commonly is. On one hand she was a little puzzled but I could also feel how much freedom it gave her to express without any imposition.
It is true that grief offers us a little time where we can have some healing as well. We may feel we are going to miss the person in this lifetime or have unresolved business we didn’t attend to, and that is a great reflection for us to sort out any issues we may have with anyone in our lives. The loved person has chosen to move on to their next cycle of evolution, this is the journey for us all.
How beautiful to appreciate one’s parents for who they are and to appreciate the reflection they bring. My parents are still alive and I have the chance to be love with them. Sometimes this may not fit a picture of happy families and may not always be received but to remember I too am a point of reflection and to not be love with them robs us all of love.
Fascinating to read this blog and to read the comments. Such a topical conversation death is and what it means to people and what it brings up. I love the clarity in which this blog and ensuing comments are written in and the deep insights people have to death and what is truly going on for people when they are grieving.
I have just heard of passing over of my uncle / godfather who was an important part of my life and childhood. Despite the relief of an end of suffering I cherish the time we spent together always and felt the sadness of his passing and a grieving of this but also the knowing that there is so much more from the understanding and reflection of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine of the bigger picture and the cycles of life we are all part of. Death and dying are simply part of this and an inner strength can be felt with this that is beautiful and allows a simplicity and holding and also brings a deeper treasuring of all our relationships with everyone.
We are not used to seeing death as a new beginning. I once grieved for a family member however I now know without a doubt that their soul has simply returned to a new physical body.
Recognising that grief is actually regret for unfulfilled moments where we have held back from expressing all the love we are, whether it be with a partner, a sibling, a friend, or a stranger, and in one to one encounters or group gatherings, opens a doorway to understanding how grief is about us, not the one who has passed on. If we do not recognise this and hold onto the belief that the grief is for the loss of the loved one, and so hold onto the attachment to them, then we prevent them and ourselves from moving on in our evolution on the next stage of our cycles. To feel the loss and grief and know what it is and work with bringing that completeness of all the love we are and can offer to every other present relationship, brings a healing to the one who has left this life and the one who remains.
As you have shared.. this is the thing with grief, we can not really predict when and how it will present itself to us no matter how prepared we think we are for it.
It is profoundly freeing to understand that our ‘hurts’ are not truly us; to get to the root of why we hold such hurts is the path back to the understanding that in fact it is impossible to be hurt as we reawaken back to the truth of who we truly are.
Thank you Heather, I have also seen in my own grief the attachment to wanting things to have been different, it unfortunately takes us no where, and the healing can only come from complete acceptance and an ability to observe all that’s happened.
‘ I’ve also got to feel that how I live, and the loving and supportive choices I make for myself each day, have created a strong foundation which supports me to deal with these kinds of emotions and events’. This certainly comes across in your writing and your amazing sharing and understanding of the cycles of life that we have no control over; birth, death and reincarnation. Thank you Heather for sharing how you supported and lovingly held your parents in the time of their preparation and transition – very inspiring.
When a dear relative of mine passed away a few years ago, I was equally as struck by the amount of grief that I felt. And when I came to sit with this, it became clear that this grief wasn’t actually about their passing, which had been peaceful and well timed, what I felt was this uncontrollable deep well of sadness because I had not been the love that I am with this person all through our life together and now that they were gone I had missed my chance to make things right because I had allowed for other things to become more important than the love between us.
Thanks to the teachings of The Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, I was well equipped to handle this and see that here was another opportunity to take responsibility for the quality of the relationships in my life, and not let another life pass by without the full and complete love being expressed that is so undeniably possible. And hence I have made that dedication and as a consequence every single relationship that I have with the people in my family has turned around, transformed in fact to something far deeper, more loving and supportive of eachother.
Thank you Shami for your beautiful and very healing comment. I have also recently lost someone and as I explored the grief I also came to the feeling of how much more love I have to offer everyone around me, and that there is a strong call for people to receive more love in their lives. The grief is that I have not been this love. And, it wasn’t just grief for the person I lost but grief for every person that doesn’t get me in full, and grief for how long I’ve held myself back and for how many people. There is also a need for appreciation here that relates to what we all have to offer others. Life is precious and it can be short, and realising this is a wake up call about not holding back.
Sounds wonderful Shami and I love your timely reminder that; ‘ here was another opportunity to take responsibility for the quality of the relationships in my life, and not let another life pass by without the full and complete love being expressed that is so undeniably possible’.
I love what you have shared Shami and what you say makes so much sense. It’s the regret of not living the full love we are with that person that brings up the sadness, not the fact of them passing. Death is a natural cycle and when we really feel it we know the person going is fine, it’s the living that presents its dilemmas and difficulties.
Like you, Heather I feel it a blessing and time for healing to accompany loved ones on their passing over. It exposes the way we have lived together often in a distance not allowing each other truly into our hearts and how painful this is to live on such a shallow level and arrangement together.
This is so true Heather ‘Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it’, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have helped me see this and make really loving choices in my life.
Death is such a huge topic, often unspoken in our day to day life. It is a road we all have to walk, and learning to speak about it with our friends and family is an important part of preparing for passing.
Few years back, i used to be in desperate fear and utter panic of losing my parents to death, and now a few years later on can see the deep neediness there was in me and attachment I had with them that I never once even contemplated what was necessary for them in their life’s journey, and what (healing) they needed. It was ‘all about me’, and what their passing might mean to me as a result. Dropping this need/attachment allows space to love truly, and see things clearly for the person we love and their evolution, and not instead for our own nice benefit – which is just emotional display of love.
“It’s been quite interesting to note how other people in my life have responded to my bereavements with feelings of sympathy, making assumptions about how I must be feeling” – true Heather, and also the other way too.. when someone tells me someone close to has died, and are in shock, grief or tears, I respond with respect and heart felt care, though in the knowing understanding of death not being the end, but a cycle of healing, there is no longer the display of emotion or welling up from me when they share the news, which I’ve found allows them space to feel vulnerable/fragile and know that they can just express and be themselves. The knowingness of ‘death’ and what it is in truth brings a steadiness for people that they know they can trust.
Vulnerability is felt when we are honest about attachments, what we grieve about is that we have chosen to not live what we know to be true. There is no need to indulge in grief (which is an attachment to the choices that we have made) because we did not know better, in fact, joy is felt because now we know and we can choose differently.
Attachments always hold us back and there lacks a freedom to truly express ourselves. Life happens as a continuous letting go of the pictures we are attached to, to free up the truth that we know and is within. The attachment to life, is our unwillingness to surrender to there being so much more than to physical life, this is one of the biggest attachments we have chosen being human.
Often your grief can be missing the depth relationship we never had with the person.
With so many things in this world I have found things to be completely around the wrong way. As a man I was shown to be tough and robust when in fact it was the opposite, I am strong and truly sensitive. I was told to take care of others but to do this I needed to first own that care for myself and the list goes on. I am wondering if death is the same, not the end but the beginning?
I haven’t had to deal with a loved one passing since I was a child. Around 16 years ago, I had a young dog who died very tragically and I was bereft at the time, taking a day off work and feeling very upset for weeks. In the past 4 years, my 2 dogs passed at ages 13 & 15 and in both instances, I didn’t experience grief. It was remarkable to feel. I certainly felt some sadness leading up to it, as I knew it was coming. But the actual experience of them passing and post was actually a very beautiful experience, and when I reflect on them and our time together, I feel the joy of having had that time with them, and the experiences we had together.
My father passing over was a massive leap in my evolution because of the choices that I made not to indulge in the emotion of it all but to see what was being offered. I’m super grateful to him for that. And I am quite sure that there is tonnes that I missed and tonnes that I am yet to see – that’s the other great thing – he died over five years ago, but there is still plenty of evolving for me to do in relation to him, so, in truth, our relationship is still active.
Death/passing over is not the end for us, but a moment in a natural cycle that comes to an end before it starts again in the same way that a flower that grows and eventually dies, leaving its seed behind to grow again into a new plant producing the same flowers. How different our understanding and acceptance of death and dying would be if we were taught this as young children.
Recently I was with my mother when she passed over. For over 25 years she would tell me how she wished her life was over. She died in her early 90s. So at 65 she had enough of life and wanted to move on. But her spirit held onto her and fought tooth and nail to keep her alive! So even when she was in her last phases of dying you could feel her fighting and trying to hold on. My mother was blessed and as she passed over the connection to the love that I held her in will hold her in a place where she will look for that love next lifetime!
Heather, this is a beautiful exposition of the experience of grief.
Reading this blog again made me stop at the word appreciation and appreciate. I’m wondering why I so often choose to not be in the absolute lovely space of appreciating anybody and anything. Towards my parents it is as if I don’t want to appreciate them because they’ve hurt me and I’ve never let that go. I can feel now that the appreciation for them never left me, I’ve only not chosen to connect to it. Which is horrible as it is creating a wall between us. I have a sense of how much that affects them – even though I find it hard to really feel it. There’s a sadness that I’ve not been sharing and expressing my appreciation towards them. Yet, also a joy to feel how much I do appreciate them for both who they are and for everything they’ve done and do for me.
Perhaps we will understand death to such an extent one day that it will be celebrated in the same way as birth.
What I get from reading this blog is the very clear purpose of death. The opportunity that it presents. The cross-roads; at which we can choose to indulge and wallow…or see and evolve.
Thank you Heather for this beautiful sharing on the death of your parents and bringing light to the beliefs around death dying and where we go to. We are all in a cycle of life and death and the knowing that there is so much more than we are led to believe allows so much clarity and understanding which brings a true support and healing to our lives which I have found with the death of both of my parents also.
This proves beyond doubt that Serge Benhayon’s presentations on “observing not absorbing” life have offered us a gift, an opportunity in situations that would rarely be seen as such.
I can see how when grief is loaded with emotion, it becomes harder to remove self from the process and therefore one is less likely to feel the space that is offered through detached observation.
Yes, there are a lot of insights available when we are able, even if only at times, not to be emotional without being detached or cold.
“So, with my parents passing, my ‘knowing’ has not for one moment wavered and I know that they have merely come to the end of a cycle and now begin another.” With the understanding that death is not the end, is not final I feel this allows for less emotional behaviour or attachment, which as you have said Heather, makes space for us to observe what is actually presenting itself for healing.
The ultimate surrendering to life is when we come to the end of it, we are then faced with the undeniable fact that we live in cycles of life and death and that also our life is part of that.
“Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over.” It is a key point Heather that we allow ourselves to feel and release the grief that surfaces, rather than attempting to suppress it or worse judge it as inappropriate becauese we think that our acceptance should make it null and void. Acceptance really means surrendering to the situation and if feel grief is part of that situation, then so be it. The important point is not to dwell and indulge in it. Feel it, express it, appreciate it, move on.
“…this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.” I too have these pictures around many aspects of my life and for me it comes down to a lack of acceptance of how life actually is. When I am fully accepting of myself, and those around me, I can appreciate how amazing my life is. When I don’t accept and appreciate all around me, I feel like I am missing out or somehow failing to live up to my potential.
Like you Heather I really appreciate the personal development I’ve been able to undertake as a result of my connection with Universal Medicine. Having tried just about everything in years prior, it’s been refreshing to discover a way of living that offers a real – as in attainable, sustainable and practical – way forward.
I agree Heather I am attached to being Mary- Louise, whereas I am way more than this physical form, I am a multi-dimensional being that originated from God and is returning to this. Many of us are too invested in our individual physical existence instead of focusing on the fact we are so much more than that. Yes, we need to let go of our attachments.
There is alot to be said for allowing ourselves to simply feel what is there for us, and what may have even been there for a long time.
Death is the cessation of the physical body, and the surrender of the spirit, as it lives on to begin another cycle of life- rebirth. This I have felt to be true; as it doesn’t make sense to live one single life and then die and believe that this is the end, or go to heaven if you have been ‘good’ or doomed for hell if you have been ‘bad’.
If we let ourselves, we are always truly held by Heaven, and we can surrender to the cycle of life and death and it’s natural balancing.
‘I now feel the deepest appreciation for the reflection that my parents offered me…’ This is a great understanding to share, thank you Heather. It speaks to the purpose we occupy for each other, and not only in our families of origin but in every relationship everywhere.
‘Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over…’ Perhaps we should not be too surprised – we are after all human and, regardless of whether we love them or not, we have connected deeply with those with whom we have spent significant time.
Death is similar to being diagnosed with a life-threatening ill-ness. “And when we’ve spent the best part of our lives seemingly being in control of ourselves, our lives and events, here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.” If we were in the frame of mind just how delicate and sensitive our body was, knowing that any dis-harmony we live inconsistently with, we potentially open up ourselves and bodies to clear this behaviour through a dis-ease. So, we can live a lifestyle to prevent a sudden diagnosis or shock to dis-ease and death – live from the esoteric to create a foundation of love in our body.
‘Or maybe it’s the fear of what’s next and/or the attachment to the life we’ve created’ This same feeling of grief can be experienced when we go through major life changes, such as moving house, leaving well-loved neighbours, and clearing stuff from our childhood. We do get attached to things, places and people but, once we realise that we have lived so many thousands of lives, we can understand life differently, appreciate what is there in our lives right now, recognise its temporal nature, and be able to let it go.
Heather these words jumped out at me when reading it this morning “here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender – letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.” – This sums up a lot of what is going on when we are facing death.. That complete investment in what we have created for our life and having to let it go, is sometimes all too much. To be able to surrender and know that this is not the end but actually a beginning can take a little while to get your head around but when you feel it your body really does know that this is truth. Our Soul knows no end.
The inability to surrender when in the death cycle can leave people in a suspended and agonising state for much longer than need be. Fierce attachment to the dense body (which it has become) and all that is known, makes it difficult for people to transition peacefully to death.
Life presents us with grief continuously, it is not only associated with death. Any cycle that comes to an end be it a relationship, job, home, decline in health or mobility, children leaving home, even losing a treasured possession can trigger feelings of loss. Being able to stay with how we feel as we move through grief, is honesty, and in this way and over time supports us to see the bigger picture. With understanding and acceptance comes healing.
Whilst reading your blog this morning Heather I felt the pain, sadness and lost opportunity of loosing my own parents; albeit many years ago. I am inspired to have conversations with my adult children around my own death and rebirth.
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.”
It seems to me that part of letting go of grief and clearing hurts in general, is the awareness that hurts are things we fall back on, when we do not connect with the true purpose of why we are here and choose to live it and expand it in our bodies everyday. In a strange way, they safe guard our existence.
“Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on” this was a huge learning for me, until I recognised as I had taken on so many hurts and some just where making me so down. When I began to heal them and let them go my body started to feel lighter and more joyful.
‘I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end. The fact that we live on in another dimension is without question for me.’ This has been the same for me too…originally I knew there was life after death, but now I have come to realise there is ‘life before birth.’ The cycle of birth and death and reincarnation makes absolute sense to me.
I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end. Same for me too Heather. I used to have conversations way before Unimed with a friend who needed proof that there was more and I used to say, it doesn’t make sense that we are just born, we live one life and then we die.
After reading this blog, I’m realising how beautiful it is to raise the topic in a future discussion with my parents. I also realise that I’ve shared my view on death and dying with them, but actually never took the chance to listen to them and how they feel about it. Somehow strange that I’ve never done so, but also beautiful and gracious that I do now have the choice to choose different.
Heather it is amazing that you were able to talk to both of your parents and help them to prepare for their passing over – this is rather unusual in todays society and I feel we are missing out big time by not discussing death and the circumstances around it more openly.
‘…I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go.’ This brilliantly turns things on their head, or more accurately puts it straight again. When we have been so used to assuming that a loved one passing away is the cause of hurt and pain the truth that it offers the opportunity to actually release so much is a beautiful revelation.
I know for me when people close to me have died a lot of the sadness triggered in me related to how many missed opportunities there were to express the depths of the love I felt for them.
Thank you for this sharing. More of these truths on earth are needed.
It is great to hear that grieving for you was for a short period and you have a very strong knowing about the truth and cycle of life from the teachings and presentations held by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Before reading your blog I watched a video clip of a very clear speech from war correspondent Clarissa Ward to the UN Security Council about the reality of life in besieged Aleppo, Syria. She described this as hell on earth and just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse it did. And that is when I feel grief can consume us, when family and loved ones are killed and we don’t have a true understanding of what is happening or able to see the bigger picture of life or have the space to truly nurture ourselves to enable the grieving process can be quick. We need to be aware of this, of our brothers and sisters around us. One thing I do know for sure is that when we allow a healing as you did with your parents’ passing, on some level this has a ripple affect on the world enabling others to have that same healing, realisation or letting go as well no matter what.
As well as experiencing grief because of big events such as death we can also experience grief in other ways whenever we need to let go of something. Any event has the capacity to bring up unresolved feelings from the past, and we have the choice to accept these feelings or reject them. I find it’s always a good idea to allow myself to feel everything as it comes up without judging myself for having them.
This is true. Grief is felt when we are letting go of a relationship or a pattern or a belief etc. it can come and be felt in many ways.
“I’ve always known absolutely that death is not the end.” Me too Heather and what a difference it would make to our lives if we were really educated about the whole process of dying, death and re-incarnation. So far this is a science that is taught in a few religions around the world, but not a commonly held understanding. I know I have lived many, many lives before this one and will continue to do so for many lives to come. The more I embrace this truth, the more I empower myself to see that everything I do in this life and how I leave this life contributes to the next. It is still an un-known process in the fact that it will only happen once each life time and we don’t get any practice runs, but death is not final, its a very important transition from one type of realm to another. Universal Medicine has been a key contributer to my understanding of the process of dying and has broadened my awareness and filled in the gaps about a truth that every part of my body has always known without question, we are eternal.
It doesn’t make sense for death to be the end. How does then one explain all the different lives and patterns we come into of birth is the very beginning and death is the very end. I too have always known that life is a continual cycle and that death is not the end.
The more I learn about this cycle of life, the more I realise how much we have been mislead. Everyday is an opportunity to learn and grow and this does not change because we may be in the death cycle. It is liberating to know this and the constant healing that is being offered.
This is true Vicky. We have been mislead a great deal and it is the undoing of that as we feel and understand about the natural cycles and rhythms of life that are freeing and make total sense. A real blessing.
I found that when talking about death being very simple and factual while acknowledging the impact of the subject often makes things easier for everybody.
Heather I like the honesty you bring to this conversation about death, and the relating of how grief can be about the regrets of the quality of the relationship we have held with someone. This feels very true for me in my experience of the passing of my mother. And also a letting go of the pictures and roles that we think we have meant to have ticked in order to be complete.
If we would accept that death is only an end of somebody in the body ‘this time around’. That would make a colossal difference. As we would not feel so attached to somebody as being in the body. Instead, we would much easier accept that somebody who died, will continue his ‘journey’ back to Soul in another body after preparing himself for this next life on earth. What if we would be very delicate and precious with our body in every move we make. Could we imagine that this would be very healing for both the body as ourselves? And if so, wouldn’t it be wise to make life much more about the body than the current attitude is choosing. Even thinking that this is right… There’s another way, but only accessible by allowing ourselves to surrender deeper and deeper to our body.
Heather your blog is beautifully honest and open about grief and dying, this is a subject that society tends to ignore and only deal with it when they have to, making it all the harder to process one’s passing over. We need to be having conversations like this everyday so people feel equipped to deal with the passing over of a loved one and as your words confirm the deep healing that this can offer us.
I love that you are talking about death and it’s ins and outs, it is so needed in society. We need to normalise all of what we experience rather than making subjects taboo and then they become mysterious and that creates fear rather than the actual joy that can be in this phase of life.
Understanding physical life and its passing as part of an ongoing cycle of renewal, helps to place death and dying into true perspective, a time to release long held patterns and ills that have held us back, and a time to heal with ourselves and others, before finally releasing and discarding of the physical form. With this comes the understanding that we are all part of the one same life, and that there is no real separation in death.
So often our conversations on death switch between ‘I’m scared’ or ‘I don’t care’. But what you show here so openly Heather, is that it is not actually death that disturbs us at all, but the unexpressed Love that we did not share, the subjects we did not dare delve into or ‘go there’. A great reminder that a rich life lives in embracing its moments without holding back at all.
Reading this shows me how possible it is to be beautifully accepting of people and life. Letting go of people needing to be a certain way feels very harmonious and loving. Choosing acceptance builds a foundation whereby acceptance becomes a way of life – this isn’t to mean that one doesn’t speak when it requires it, it means saying what needs to be said without attachment to outcomes.
The grieving process really is unique for everyone in each situation.. unlike what we see on the movies.. well at least this has been my experience.
That was my experience as well.
It’s only when we are ready to let go of our attachment to families and everything that is wrapped up in those relationships, and see that each member of our families are essentially human first, are full of love and truly amazing.
Thank you, Heather. Yes, regret can really hook us in when a loved one passes over, if we are still holding on to a picture of how we would have liked life or the relationship to be. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to ‘go there’, to address your childhood hurts once and for all.
I really love reading your blog Heather and the insights and realisations you made and how they changed for you, by being so much more connected with the love within – such a great journey and one I can relate to as well, having had similar experiences and feeling how different things are when we truly connect to the love.
I feel this is something many of us have where you share: “I find myself feeling sadness for some of the choices they made while they were here – how I would have liked things to be different for them, and how I would have liked us all, as a family, to be closer. And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.” It is so easy to slip into this way of ‘thinking’ and once we understand that this supports no one, and start to accept what is then communications can become much more true and more loving choices can develop with all.
If we see death as a part of cycle rather than ‘the end’ to something then it becomes less so an event that calls for grievance and solemn, and more so a celebration that this cycle has completed and that there are many more to come.
A beautiful example of what healing is possible Heather when any situation presents that brings up emotions such as sadness and grief. What’s important is not to rationalise those feelings away, but as you have done, allow the space to feel into what has actually been held and why, and to let those feelings go. To be able to look back on these sort of situations with nothing but love and appreciation for all of what led to that point is a great marker that healing has in fact occurred. Not such a common occurrence I have to say so thank you for sharing such a significant experience.
It impossible to acknowledge and accept how you feel when a loved one dies, without being but absorbed and disabled by grief.
Heather I can feel how common this is, ‘I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ This picture that we hold of a perfect family can be very damaging, it can stop us from appreciating and accepting how our family is or cause tension and separation in families.
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.” Love and understanding supported by knowing that life has its cycles, and during life, cycles within cycles, and there is always a point of ending and of returning to something all along the way.
I loved reading this Mary, well done you. I agree, Serge Benhayon does have the simplest of answers, we just have to be willing to listen and take the necessary steps.
Thanks for sharing Heather. I wrote about death and dying http://everydaylivingness.com/death-and-dying-the-cycle-of-life-and-death/ and it really is a conversation that needs to be talked about, shared and expressed so that we all have more understanding. With understanding there is less fear. With understanding we get rid of the false images and pictures along with the should’s and should nots on how we should be in grief or how we should act around someone who is dying.
Wishing that things were different or that a situation would’ve played out in a different way is a curse; if we impose these feelings onto those nearing the end of their lives there’s no doubt they will feel remorse also, thus taking away from the importance of appreciating everything they’ve done and being open about what’s next.
After reading this blog, I’m realising how beautiful it is to raise the topic in a future discussion with my parents. I also realise that I’ve shared my view on death and dying with them, but actually never took the chance to listen to them and how they feel about it. Somehow strange that I’ve never done so, but also beautiful and gracious that I do now have the choice to choose differently.
When people die, there is often a feeling of regret, as we think of all the things we could have said and done, which shows that we are not expressing ourselves in full with people who are alive.
Without even being aware of it, I have come to realise that there are many attachments to ideals and beliefs in my life. These pictures form from life and many assumptions that I have allowed to inform me about what is ‘real’ or what I believed was real. I am finding it is important to be discerning and take the time to feel what is true and to live from the knowing coming from within me and not from what society presents as the way it is.
Not only is this article remarkable in the way you have shared about reincarnation; there is also such sweetness in the acceptance of the flow of life and death, along with the tenderness and understanding you have afforded yourself as your parents’ passing over revealed more of you to you. Thank you, Heather.
This is a great blog describing cycles of life. Our whole life and planet is like one big chemistry lab “…The fact that we live on in another dimension is without question for me…” Yes agree, just as solids, liquids and gases change state during a chemical reaction also indicates that it hasn’t completely disappeared for good, only its energetic state has changed.
The moment we feel grief being released from our body we have been living the energy of grief for quite some time. What is the motion of grief? It is walking in separation to the connectedness with God, myself and others.
“And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.” – How many of us do this, walk around with pictures of what we want a relationship or family life to be like? How much do these pictures govern how we are?
Breaking these pictures and ideals of how we think we need to be is a process that is so freeing, albeit at times quite challenging to work through. Thank you Heather for this gorgeous reminder to not box ourselves in but to allow ourselves to be open to so much more!
Preparing someone for their final stages of this life cycle and being able to not go into the emotional sadness that is generated from what will happen to ‘me’ when they are gone – where as opposed to wow this is the time that their body and soul are calling for and it is their time. See the whole of what is going on creates this space and we pull away from being caught up in self.
We have created a culture which mainly fears death because of an imposed ignorance; we either choose to adhere to and obey what we can all feel is not true deep inside and pay the price or accept reincarnation in its true representation by The Ageless Wisdom for the gift of love that it is.
Thank you Heather for sharing your experience of grief and sadness with the passing over of your parents, beautiful to allow and feel the hurts as they come up with no need to identify yourself with them but see them as an opportunity for healing, understanding about reincarnation and the cycles of life we live and die in and come back to, makes life so much easier to accept, allow and appreciate these events of life as they unfold.
My understanding of grief and death has changed remarkably over recent years, and I now feel how you are so right Heather, that we are on a cycle of lives and deaths, round and around again. Like any major event in life ( and death), we can plan for how we want ours to be, and communicate with family and friends, so everyone knows our wishes. The subject doesn’t need to be taboo but something we can talk about and celebrate the journeys of how our lives overlap and intertwine together.
Understanding the science of reincarnation has offered me the space to see the cycle of death and dying under a whole different light. Our time on this planet in this human body is yet a brief moment in the overall scheme of how many lives we have lived and have to come. This is not to diminish this life by any means, but to feel the vastness of our being that expands from one lifetime to another, which brings us to an understanding that death is not the end but the beginning of the next phase of life.
Death is often a difficult subject to broach, even for those who know that it is not the end but rather a new beginning. Thank you Heather for sharing your experience of death and grief and the healing that it can offer.
It’s very important to accept where we are at with the process of death and other events that often can bring big feelings. Trying to pretend you are not affected by such things is to pull in a force into your body that is disharmonious. It’s much more true to be honest and real about where you are at than to pretend to be an evolved being !
‘I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ A family home is being sold and I have been very sad about this. What I realise in reading this is that I kept ideals of how things used to be and how I hoped they would be. This line really supports me to accept life as it is, accept the choices of family members, celebrate everyone, and let go of attachments to wanting them to fit my picture of what family is. These ideals hold no love, understanding of what true family is. They are all about me getting what I think will make me feel loved which is such an illusion as I am the only one who can love me (in that I can be loved but that’s someone else loving me, that’s not me loving me). It is irresponsible to want to impose my wishes and needs on them especially when I know how to bring love and understanding.
There is the possibility to explore oneself when feeling grief instead of just dwelling on it. When we explore it and allow ourselves to feel the different layers of feelings and emotions that lead to grief we can re-connect to aspects of us that are very unexpected and beautiful, in other words we can address the root cause of grief like with every other emotion. Underneath grief we will find dis-connection from that what we miss most – our deep connection with self, Soul and God.
To not have a picture or need for life to be a certain way certainly allows us to be in the flow of life. Where we can respond rather than go into control or frustration trying to make it fit our picture.
Recognising reincarnation as a fact of life and death, combined with an understanding of how our activities in each life affect us in the next, gives us a completely different approach to the process of dying. Instead of engaging in the emotional drama of feeling ‘left behind’ or deserted by our loved ones, we can support the dying in a way that is truly loving and celebrate their death in a calm way, knowing that they will return again and again until their journey here on Earth is complete.
As much as we may have an awareness of the bigger picture, we will always experience feelings and the need to process old emotions in an event such as death.
Reading this this morning I can feel for me that the loss of a loved one comes from the level to which a true relationship has been lived. It is the opportunity for this that I feel we fear the loss of in death and so feel that absolute importance of committing to living all relationships in full and with an openness to the love that is us and comes from within us all.
Re-reading your blog Heather took me back to a time when I didn’t have an awareness of the natural cycle of life, death and reincarnation. I thought death was final, the end. My first experience of it came with no warning: the woman who had Mothered me from the age of seven was killed instantly in a road accident. I was eighteen. This shook my world as I knew it and me to the core. I crumbled. What hurt the most was the feeling of finality: I would never see her again, It didn’t help that in my last conversation with her, I reacted to something she said. I felt remorse and regret. Other family members did not speak about death, their feelings or mine, There was funeral and that was that. I buried my grief, became silent and got on with life. It took me years to come to terms with her death. It would have been very supportive to have had the awareness I now have of death, reincarnation and the naturalness of life cycles. What a difference it would make if these subjects were central to every day conversation within families and friends, children included.
The whole topic of death and dying and how we see it really does need addressing bringing more open and honest discussion rather than leaving everything unsaid and a no go area so often due to not really understanding the enormous opportunity we have at this time. It is a time of reflection, healing and letting go and a natural part of our cycles of rebirth and simply having the time with our loved ones to be and allow expression of what is needed and take away the fears so often held in our bodies, and the reassurance that comes from this as well, not needing to go into the turmoil and harming of our emotions but a steadfast holding love instead for all.
Thank you Heather for opening up the discussion about death and dying and the grief we can feel. The more we are willing to talk about this the less daunting and powerless we will feel. There have been 3 deaths within my family and each one I have learnt so much about myself, and how to be with death and the feelings I am left with. Knowing death is a cycle of life and that we come back again, to learn what we had not learnt from this life makes it so much easier to accept and let go of any attachments or regrets that might be there.
“Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over.” And thus we are shown that grieving is quite natural, it’s a part of accepting the changes that death brings, a way of enabling us to appreciate, let go and move on. What is very important to note here is that although you were surprised, you did not judge it or try to suppress, but allowed your grief to surface, to be felt and expressed and in doing so, could feel the immense healing it was bringing. Learning to accept and express what we are feeling without getting caught up in the emotions are very important life lessons we all need to learn, and thus empower us to address painful situations with a huge degree of inner strength that arises from knowing our true selves amidst all our expectations and beliefs about how life should be.
It is of course human and natural to grieve when another passes over. However, that grief in itself need not be overwhelming if we were to allow ourselves to open up in true relationship before hand. Too often, our grieving is born out of deep regret that we did not express and love more deeply whilst we had the chance, and so we become consumed by loss instead of appreciation for what was.
Death has always been looked at as doom and gloom. If we were to understand that death is part of a normal cycle and that we reincarated to do it all again there possibly wouldn’t be so much grief. I have had my father and brother pass over and for me it was the sadness of not seeing them again in this life and also accepting them for the choices they had made in this lifetime that caused them to pass over sooner then they needed to.
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it”. And herein lies the result of studying and applying the teachings of Universal Medicine and putting into practice the immensely healing and deeply fundamental wisdom offered to us via simple tools that empower us to choosing a loving, tender but very real life. We all face the same dilemma about death, but what you show here Heather is that what really matters is the quality we choose to live in everyday and how much that can support us through what can be a very emotionally unpredictable time.
‘I find myself feeling sadness for some of the choices they made while they were here – how I would have liked things to be different for them, and how I would have liked us all, as a family, to be closer. And yet this shows me that I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ So much of the sadness we feel around death and dying relates to the knowing that a life has passed without making the honouring choices which express the love that we are. There is nothing to regret in life, but much to learn.
Discussing death and dying is a healing in itself as we are not longer ignorant to the fact that there is more to this life and it also highlights the importance of healing and letting go as we move in our cycle of evolution.
Great reflections on the prevailing consciousness that surrounds a conversation about death and dying and the unexplored benefits of healing, acceptance and confirmation that they can bring to families when death is being anticipated. I think you nail what lies behind the fear of dying and a resolve not to discuss it – that there’s a perceived loss of control in a life that’s been lived through a lens of ‘individuated physical existence’.
When I let go of the control and surrender it feels amazing. Everything changes and particularly from an internal perspective rather than an outward change. If death is the ultimate surrender it feels like it can be a beautiful process and cycle to be in.
No criticism to you Heather but it’s amazing what comes to us when we have ‘big’ events happen in our life. I remember a big life change for me was when I was deep in depression/PTSD and feeling at the end. For me until there was an extreme and I couldn’t actually go on, I was going to just keep things moving like they were. I’m not that locked in now or am I? I was just having a look at things after reading your blog and realise that while my behaviours are no longer extreme like they were there is still an element in there of not doing anything about something until I absolutely have to. It’s not to say that is how it is for you Heather but I can just see there are many signs for us to look at something that doesn’t fit in how we are. We often walk past those signs until we trip over and then we look. More and more I am able to catch the signs earlier and hence the extremes are no longer in my life. The quality of how I am with everything and the way I move are huge factors in this. I don’t just blindly walk past things, I do my best to be aware of everything as I walk, at times to the detail. This quality of living or presence continues to support me to live more fully. The ongoing relationship with this is a key to what I see.
Many people I know who have lost a loved one have not really completed the process of ‘letting go’ of which grieving may be an aspect. The effect of not dealing with and healing one´s hurt is quite devastating and can be carried for years and decades leaving its marks. To understand death, passing over and everything involved, knowing how to deal with one’s emotions and seeking support when needed should be something openly talked about and learned from young. It would not only change how we could deal with losing a loved one but also the way we live our own lives.
There has been many times over my life where I’ve considered one of my family members passing away suddenly and knowing that all the things that have not been resolved or said, and the hurts would all spill to the surface and would nearly be unbearable to feel. But even more than that is that I didn’t just embrace and love them for who they are and expressed that love.
There are so many sayings around death, like don’t leave it to the end, say it now or say how you feel before it’s too late… but do we really? I’ve often seen that it’s when a family member or friend is terminally ill that most of the anguish about their inevitable passing is all ‘the stuff’ that has gotten in the way of seeing them for who they are and ourselves.
Death can bring up so many emotions for us and it is great Heather that you have recognised and felt that this is about some old hurts about your childhood that have sat in your body for a long time. Death can be very healing on many levels.
How beautiful to read your words Heather – as what you write offers us an opportunity to heal our hurts and come to accept life the way it is and not try to wish it was different. Acceptance allows us to observe the death of someone close and to be able to support them to feel that death is not the end but just a very small part of the way we are evolving back, to again return and unite with the Universe where we will all be as one.
Love or true ‘Love’ is the truth that I feel in my body that allows me to observe and not absorb situations.
It is so important to respect the way people choose to die. I have learned even wanting what we feel is best for someone in these circumstances can be an imposition on them.
Talking within families about death is important – it isn’t as if we can avoid it or not do it…it’s the only thing we can be 100% sure will happen. Given that it is a natural part of the cycle of life, if we talked about it more, then it wouldn’t hit so hard when someone close dies.
It’s very beautiful to read Heather – thank you for your blog. It is such a clear confirmation about how you are living and the choices you’ve made for yourself that you can feel so steady and supported at a time that could be considered one of the most challenging in your life. There is much to appreciate.
How beautiful it is – the healing that is possible when we connect with each other.
We need not wait until illness, calamity or death occurs in order to bring us closer with our loved ones.
Something I have learned a great deal about from Serge Benhayon, is that it is the quality of how we are in our relationships that is everything. Reflecting deeply as you have here Heather on the quality of your relationships with your parents is truly heartening. We cannot determine how things are going to be in any relationship (for we cannot control another), but it is in bringing our all that we ourselves can know we are complete, and that we have put love ‘on the table’ and nothing less – a continual learning, and the richest source of learning that there is in life, in my books. To be appreciated deeply.
Thank-you for sharing so openly here Heather. Enough cannot be written, discussed and brought out from ‘under the carpet’ about the inevitable fact of our passing from this life. We have, by and large, created an enormously estranged relationship with death, and our living in such denial of its existence impacts enormously upon the quality of our actual lives and living.
Death is such a significant part of life and yet we act as if it doesn’t exist.
It is great to acknowledge that death is not the end but a birth for the Soul, and a new beginning for our Spirit when it returns for the next stage of its evolution.
This is beautiful, Heather, thank you. I can feel the deeper level of responsibility you have been taking for any unresolved childhood hurts or let downs regarding your family life, which the passing over of our parents has allowed to surface. It is so freeing to no longer carry these reactions, and be able to truly be with someone who is dying simply as ourselves, freeing them up to be themselves too.
Talking openly about death and dying is something we were not allowed to do whilst growing up – it was seen as cursing the family from a belief of superstition or maybe it was a way to not feel the grief – the fact that you were able to have open conversations with your parents before they died Heather, is a lot healthier for all concerned.
I agree I feel many people do have an underlying experience of fear and lack of understanding about death and dying. I had so many around me that I observed in major grief about a person they were close to or not. Having an understanding that all is energy I can attest to the fact that you can connect to others not in a physical body. I am no psychic and do not practice it, or try to, but I could feel my mother definitely with me, not for long, but nevertheless I did feel her like I have never felt her before.
Both of my parents have passed over too and I am still young. There is no doubt in my body and mind that there is an after physical life and the spirit and soul leave the body and reincarnate to do it all again. I know this because I can feel my past choices in my face – an old momentum that has effected the quality of my life this life. And due to my parents passing over at the age they did I can observe the choices they made.
‘Thanks to the work of Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I have been so much more aware of how childhood hurts and imprints have governed my life and consequently played out in the choices I’ve made at the deepest level.’ Universal Medicine brings much awareness on how we live life and our reactions, hurts to it in the most supportive of ways.
To understand grief as a pathway to healing is a great journey of releasing the past, and letting go of old beliefs or ideas we have hung on to that didn’t serve us, and re-imprinting our future years. It’s a bit like an internal spring clean deep within and helps us to understand ourselves, so we can develop and grow with new understanding, knowing we can drop the old behaviours that do not support us.
I also have known that death is not the end but in former times I still was afraid what would come after death. Now I feel much more relaxed around the topic death and dying as I learn to be more loving with myself and others. This takes away the fear of having to live this life again, when I die and return, now life becomes more a joyful discovery and so the topic of death lost its threat.
At a funeral I was at recently I realised how little I had truly appreciated the one who had just died. I realised my perception of him had been coloured by the judgements of others and so in turn I allowed myself to judge in turn. What was clear when people were expressing in their grief their love of the one who had died, how in his earlier years he had been an inspiration, a support and a guide to so many. In his later years, which was when I knew him, burdened by everything he had been through (a serving soldier in a number of wars) he had been struggling with life. Whilst I had connected to his heart I had been reserved about letting him in. This whole thing has been a big learning for me in terms of meeting everyone with equality and understanding no matter where they are at or how others may personally feel about them. I learned how my own guard meant that an opportunity to connect to the love and wisdom inside another was missed. This experience has reminded me to connect deeply to the essence of each person I am in relationship with and to appreciate everything they reflect…
We live our lives based on our hurts if we are not willing to heal them. I am becoming much more aware of the importance of acknowledging childhood hurts when they surface. When a memory of an event or situation arises I know it is for a reason giving me an opportunity to let it go and heal otherwise that memory is locked in my body and influencing the choices I make in every moment.
Given that death is the most inevitable part of life, it is peculiar that we do not spend more time pondering on it. It is the great conversation killer, and yet it need not be so. For pondering on death often brings great revelation, and assists us to truly put things in perspective.
I have often thought how much healthier it seems to be able to grieve in the way that some nations do, which is to allow the body to cry, tremble and shake, as opposed to holding it rigid in absolute fear that we may potentially break down. The grief that is not let out sits like a stagnant pond in the body, influencing all that we do, feel, say and think.
Heather the title alone lead me to realize how much healing is missed by our all too often inherited avoidance of allowing ourselves to feel grief.
After reading this I recognise the ideals I’ve wanted to impose on what a family should be like rather than accept my family for who they are and how they choose to live their life cycles – who am I to judge?! I am able to see my attachments more clearly and the roles I’ve tried to perform – good daughter/ sister/ niece, aunt etc. The pull to adhere to what I should do according to ideals I’ve held (that aren’t necessarily even held by others!) that I have let run me are still felt but I am aware of them and so I can choose love instead. Love frees us from thinking we are at the mercy of cycles, and allows us the grace whereby cycles support us and our evolution.
Grief and mourning a person is interesting – yes, there is the obvious physical change and that person not being there anymore, to talk to, hold, listen to and so forth. But also the way they lived, what they did and didn’t do, it’s like we can absorb the unresolved emotions and regrets of the deceased on top of our own! To me, death is now feeling more like a cleansing and we can take the time to learn from and let go of what we may be holding onto it. Like a reality check.
Death and dying is not discussed enough. For me, there has always been such a fear around it, but that is only because I didn’t understand it. Death doesn’t make sense unless reincarnation and cycles are considered and understood.
Even just the fact that you talked to your parents before they passed away about the process of dying and how they felt about it in terms of what came next is incredible… So many people don’t have this conversation and feel awkward bringing it up even if their loved ones are very close to dying – it shouldn’t be such a taboo topic as it’s a key part of supporting someone to pass over.
Really deep grief is one of those emotions that does not present itself very often in most of our lives. It is most often associated with the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, but these are fairly uncommon occurrences for most people. Being able to make the most of the times that it comes up and see it for the healing that it offers is something that is a great gift to give to ourselves.
Learning to feel, understand and express what we feel in the moment without judgment or expectation becomes an amazing support when faced with events like this. Passing over is an event that we could do so much more planning for, in the same way we plan for a wedding or prepare for a baby’s arrival. What a different approach we could develop if we all regarded it in the same light, a special moment in our lives to celebrate the life we have lived, the people we have loved and all the un-realised potential yet to come when we pass over into another realm.
To truly embrace death and dying as part of our cycle of life in our returning journey of evolution is such a different and important way to address it all in our lives and that of others. This kind of sharing and understanding is so supportive and evolutionary and something that we in society could do so much more to talk about and this would simply take away the fear and allow a depth of sharing expansion and living honouring of who we really are and bring an honesty and responsibility to our lives lovingly.
“Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on”. I have found this to be key in providing the possibility for me to not lose myself in the turmoil of whatever emotion I am facing. And it is very valuable and empowering as you have shared here being able to observe our emotion and explore what is beneath them, for there is great understanding, awareness, healing and expansion available from those moments.
The more I read you blog Heather the more I accept and understand that every person has their attachments to a picture of life and how it should be. Possibly the person passing has a heightened anxiousness that is expressed in what ever capacity that is available to them at the time? Hanging on to my pictures clashes with the pictures that are being reflected back to me. I have a choice to surrender my pictures and simply appreciate who we are in our essence. Much less resistance is created by my choice and it’s very possible it offers a reflection of openness and connection to the passing person. A connection that says you are love and loved for who you are in your essence.
Beautiful to read again Heather. It is such a topic nobody really likes to talk about but the awareness and realizations you got from this whole process are very valuable as they show a truly honesty of how to deal with the process leading up to death, death itself and the grief that can come up afterwards. Thank you.
The link between grief and regrets is so significant Heather, and borne out for me by my own experience. When my late husband died I went into a total emotional but unexpressed state, but did realise at the time how his death had brought up all the old childhood hurts and emptiness that I had never dealt with. The regret was enormous, and the clinging onto the desire for things to be the way they were at the same time. This was very confusing, whereas the truth is so simple — the more we have cleared from the past, the less we feel that grief and loss, and if we know inside the truth of reincarnation, then there is also the joy of knowing that one’s loved one, and oneself, are evolving into a new future in the next cycle of life.
You are bringing it to a point Heather, we hate death because it shows us we are not in control of life.
Maybe it’s time we began to embrace and talk about death and dying in the same way that we talk about birth. How amazing would it be if this subject was introduced to children at a young age in the way that you are sharing it here Heather, that ‘death is not the end but a passing into the next phase and a new cycle’. To allow feelings to surface in this way rather than keeping them deeply buried is indeed very healing for all concerned.
When my father passed away I grieved not only for his passing but also for all the unresolved hurts and issues that there were between us. It was the latter that was more painful.
Yesterday I said goodbye to my mum’s gardener. He had held that position for over twenty years and although my mother died over three years ago he had stayed on to tend to the lawns and garden areas. As I remembered the last few years of my mothers life I felt tears welling in my eyes and I realised that I was not yet free of some emotion around this. His parting too is like an end of an era and there was a sense of loss around this although I felt ready to move on. I feel it is important to honour these feelings and allow them space. Our body seems to respond honestly to what is going on for us so I am choosing to sort through some more of my mothers belongings and let go more deeply on various levels to any beliefs or ideals that could still be lingering concerning her life and my relationship with her and the other members of my parental family.
How great that you had the opportunity to prepare with your parents and discuss matters to do with their passing. Many do not want to discuss the idea of their own death and family members can feel equally against the idea for all sorts of reasons. Your blog has brought up the question of making a will. Something that can be easily left as a low priority or not done at all because of the discomfort around the topic.
I can imagine how much guilt there must be for people when someone they love passes over but they are actually not doing the socially expected grieving and are accepting of the passing – that we have an expectation in society that people should grieve to show feeling is quite amazing really.
You talk about feeling the love that is always there.. This is a great reminder for us all.
Thank you Heather I love reading how your parents passing over was felt by them and you as knowing “this wasn’t the end for them, but a passing over to their next phase and a new cycle.” as well as feeling inspired how you were still willing to look at the human emotions you then experienced after their passing. I have found at times that even though I can know and have an understanding of the bigger picture there are times emotions are felt, and be surprised but it is equally healing to allow this and not bury what’s felt.
When we know we can heal these childhood hurts, we can move on from feeling the loss, regret and sadness at the illusion of what we thought family to be, and this process becomes very releasing. I also wished my parents had made better choices, but it teaches me to learn to make better choices now for myself. We can learn to let go of the false ideals of family, to have no regrets about the lives we have lived and the choices we have made, this brings a true healing.
’Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over. But I could also feel the healing that came with this.’
I too have experienced that acceptance is one of the most powerful ways of healing.
Heather, it was very beautiful indeed to read about how grief can actually be both transformational and freeing, thank you for sharing your insights. You have brought freshness and truth to a subject that has been buried by countless false beliefs for eons.
My father passed over more than five years ago and I still reflect on what I did and didn’t feel. And both of these are very revealing. There are ‘traditional’ feelings that I didn’t feel because I had dealt with many of the historical hurts, issues and unsaid that can often exist between father/son. And then there are feelings that I didn’t feel because I was still in protection as to what our relationship truly was (or wasn’t). The point I’m making is that even after many years, there is still the ever opportunity to evolve the relationship even if one of the two within that relationship is physically no longer with us.
‘Thanks to the work of Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I have been so much more aware of how childhood hurts and imprints have governed my life and consequently played out in the choices I’ve made at the deepest level.’ Although I had been searching for the answers regarding my own childhood and family for years and had begun to let go of so much I held from this when I started to understand this through the presentations and support of Universal Medicine I was able to truly heal these hurts that I held.
If everyone were to embrace death as an opportunity for evolution for all of us – because of the multiple hurts that are shown to us and thus offered for healing – then our approach to it all would be so very, very different. Is it possible that we treat it as we do so as to avoid the responsibility of what we are truly feeling? Is it easier to go into drama, self-pity and sympathy?
Heather your experience about the grieving process is very unique as for many of us we grieve about something but don’t look and see our part in why the grief is there, I get the feeling we have to look at the whole to truly let got and move on from grief.
From experience, I know that to give oneself permission to simply stop and truly feel the pain of deep grief (or any other emotion) whilst remaining aware and connected to one’s own breath is the beginning of a very deep and lasting healing. It can feel very scary initially, as it has been covered over for years, but bringing it out to the ‘light of day’ (conscious awareness) brings a feeling of lightness, expansion and spaciousness in the body.
I remember going to my Grandfather’s funeral when I was 15 and as it was my first funeral I was not sure what to expect. The adults in my life were really supportive and reminded me to just be however I was and not to hold back my feelings and wear whatever I felt. It really helped me to not get drawn into much of the consciousness around funerals of how you ‘should’ or ‘need’ to act.
For ten years or more my response to the death of friends and families has been transformed. With new awareness I know that death is not the end, but a passing over and beginning of a new cycle, I now accept rather than fear or grieve the death of another. This new awareness supported me through the recent deaths of four siblings, one in his fifties, the other three in their sixties and two very dear friends. With a calm knowingness, I accepted that for each one of them their life cycle was complete.
The emotional attachment to this specific life becomes so different when we consider this life one of the many lives that we have lived on this planet Earth, that when someone is passing over we can understand that it is the ending of this cycle of life and that they will continue with another cycle in another plane of life from which they will in return from as part of the cycle of death and rebirth. I do understand that the humanly aspect is that I will miss the physical appearance of that person after passing over and that I do feel grief because of that, but in fact I have this grief because I feel that I have not acknowledged and appreciated in full the amazingness of the relationship we had when still in physical existence.
Grief can be guilt and regret but it can also be a loss of a connection, where the connection to a physical body is no more there.
The beautiful thing is, it’s never too late, there isn’t an expiry date on choosing to ‘re-connect’, there is always an open invitation for us to once again, choose to be with ourselves, in our bodies, feeling the divinity of being a part of the Universe, with God and everyone else. We can do this at any stage throughout our lives, even on our deathbed.
“many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life. Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events. “-
Yes, this can be seen in patients in nursing homes where there is a strong will to stay alive, despite the fact that the body has given up and is only existing in life. Perhaps this is where counselling could be given to staff about the truth of death and dying so that they could then better support the loved ones of the patients.
Building a strong foundation through all the little loving choices we make our everyday living truly does support us, in times we really do need support; as you have beautifully outlined here, Heather.
Reading this is so supportive. My parents are elderly and every time I meet or speak with them I can see their passing as something in the relatively near future. But I can see my emotional attachments and sadness around my mother especially has been present all my life – even after short visits leaving would be mysteriously sad. Surrendering to myself allows the healing to unfold.
Everything has its cycles. In nature we are constantly being shown that life and death are two sides of the same coin being constantly turned over and over again.
Yes Shami, nature, the great reflector of life cycles. And yet we so easily fail to relate this to our own lives. When was the last time you heard a tree cry when a leaf fell?
Thank you Heather, it’s a broad subject life and death, but it’s been a very welcome experience to examine your blog. I could feel how attached I am to this life and to it being a certain way (and striving/struggling towards that) as opposed to surrendering to who I truly am from my inner-most heart (as a soul) and letting go of the pictures I hold for this life.
“So, with my parents passing, my ‘knowing’ has not for one moment wavered and I know that they have merely come to the end of a cycle and now begin another.” When we can connect to this immutable truth our entire apprecation of both life and death takes a much bigger understanding and puts a lot of things into their proper perspective. The way we have lived others lives influences the one we are currently in. When we can fully appreciate this immutable law, there is much we can do to ensure that the quality of our passing over lays the foundation for our return. What we ‘walk’ away from when we die, we step back into when we are born.
In surrendering to life there is such an expansion, and I imagine it is the same when we pass over.
” Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.” For me this does not just apply only to death Heather, I went through a period of deep grieving prior to a marriage ending, it wasn’t an emotional time, but it was an end to a lot of sadness, old hurts, attachment and control just like a death. It was an opportunity to learn and grow and make the choices that supported a self loving relationship.
My father passed over almost two years ago now, and I actually feel closer to him in death than when he was alive. That sounds a bit strange but when we know energy and our essence what I connect now to with Dad is his essence and it is so beautiful and sweet it is like the personality that I was attached and also had ‘issues’ with no longer exists so I am free to feel the real essence that was always there to connect to just was covered up with stuff that wasn’t even real. Death is really just the next cycle.
“I had the opportunity with both of my parents to prepare for their passing. We talked about things that mattered to us and had the chance to deepen our relationship as their time in this cycle was becoming short.” What a wonderful opportunity this was, to share with your loved ones what is really important to both them and you and to heal any past hurts that you may have had, allowing a surrender in the body that may not have previously been present.
“Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief.” I can feel your absolute strength in every word you share here Heather and this sentence in particular feels significant to me as it shows me that we can live from this strength if we are willing to heal our hurts and observe our emotions rather than indulge in them.
‘Death’ is the ultimate act of surrender. Where we are able to let go the reins that we have gripped for dear life (literally) and acknowledge that not only are we more than all we have come to identify as our ‘self’, but all these trappings of the self have been there as a way to avoid the divinity we each in essence are. Of course, we do not need to die in order to surrender to the light of our Soul, but nonetheless, if we have not had such a moment in life then the activity of passing over can be an act of grace whereby we can feel the truth of who we are and whether this has been lived in full or not.
A truly beautiful sharing on death, grief and the healing on offer for us all during this process, thank you Heather. I too have always held this absolute knowing that death is not the end but rather marks the beginning of a new cycle, but when a very dear friend of mine passed over recently and rather suddenly due to aggressive cancer, I was left at a very human level to feel the enormous well of grief that this uncovered.
What I came to realise is that when we live in connection with our Soul, we can never leave each other for we are always connected through the love within our hearts. However, as many of us don’t live with this connection on a daily basis, when someone close to us ‘dies’, we are left to feel an aching loss. And whilst it is true and valid that we truly do miss our friends and family when they are not with us in a physical sense, what we miss more is our true way of being, of living in connection with each other at a very deep and Soul-full level. This part of us never dies, nor can it ever be discarded or destroyed, for our love is a flame that can never be put out and it is through this love that we remain connected to all those we have known and those we are yet to know, whether they are in form or not.
What a wonderful blog, thank you for writing it. There is such a picture around death, how it should be, not be, what we should do and not do that it feels like only a small window is left to experience it fresh, genuinely allowing what you feel to be ok. I remember spending most of my time coping with how everyone else thought I was feeling than how I was actually feeling myself and I see this very often with young people when bad things happen to them. I totally understand that those who support in situations of grief and trauma love the person who is hurting very much and actually don’t want to see them hurting, there is no malice involved. If my past behaviour is anything to go by, it is merely a not knowing how to take the pain away and ‘make it better’ that means we don’t discern what is needed for the person we walk beside in any given moment.
Expressing grief as such doesn’t heal you. But you can heal grief through expressing with honesty and eventually expressing what is truly there.
Passing over is something where we acutely feel the bridge of physical life and multidimensionality. We are both in physical form and multidimensional. When death occurs we can feel this multidimensionality but we also feel the physical pain of no longer having that person with us in physical form. When we add emotions into the mix we place ourselves far more on the physical side.
Reading this I reflected on the passing of my own father 13 years ago. Looking back, much of what I struggled with was the undealt with hurts from my childhood combined with all that I did not and had not expressed. There was so much there for me to express to him yet I did not. I’m realising that this was a major part of my grief.
A beautiful healing, how you saw your feelings of grief Heather – ‘observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go’ .
I had the opportunity to spend some time with my brother prior to his passing over four years ago, all we did was gently hold hands and a deep connection with our eyes. It was an amazing experience, everything stood still and we were both feeling the enormity of being part of something much bigger without having to put words to it. In that moment I recognised his innocence and pureness in a way that I had never seen before, and I know that he felt it too, his own essence.
The end of life is often feared as it is unknown, and yet I have often heard of a terminally ill patient expressing they are ready to pass. So it seems possible there is an awareness of the end of life and that it is fact not the end, but a transition.
I have never experienced the grief of losing a loved one, or going through emotional trauma but a very wise friend of mine shared how much of an amazing opportunity these experiences can be because they offer the body a chance to stop and open up – to feel what is there to be felt and heal. We can often shy away from the pain of losing a loved one, when it can be a huge lesson and learning process rather than a dreaded issue.
If grief could be seen as unexpressed love that is released, we all would have a very different relationship with sadness and grieve. To allow grieve and sadness to be expressed is enormous healing. In fact, the only way to let go of our hurts to not have loved all the love we are.
Preparing with your parents for their passing will have supported you and them amazingly, but we still have a chunk of attachments that don’t always get resolved, so there is often more needed to be sorted out emotionally along the way. Your consistent loving choices have really created a strong foundation, enabling you to feel the unwavering love that is the support, so appreciate all you did manage to do at such a tricky time, well done, Heather.
It’s beautiful that you have brought to the discussion on death the reasons why people might be so fearful of death either difficulty in letting go or for what is to come next. We do need to bring out into the open about this part of life’s cycle. We live ignoring the fact that this will one day happen to us all and when it does it can be such a shock as we are ill prepared for this eventuality.
It makes such a difference when we understand that death is merely a passing into another phase of life, that the life we shared with this one person was just one of many thousands we may or may not have shared with them.
It is very freeing to feel an acceptance with death.
Reading your blog again Heather reminded me of the sympathy and emotion offered by others as the only way they knew how to express to me their sadness at my loss! It was almost like a comedy in that my response was not what they expected and I needed to be sensitive to their feelings. I celebrated the passing, did not want the hype of a funeral, had surreal conversations with the funeral director and felt I was on another planet sharing my views to people who simply did not have the knowing of reincarnation. The more articles like yours are shared Heather, the more others can touch in on the celebration of leaving this life at the time our soul calls us back to rest and recover before the next round on the wheel of life.
Such a different experience of death Heather, not huge emotional grieving rather the acceptance and letting go of attachments to life and relationships being a certain way. Thank you for such an inspirational account of how true love can be lived.
There so much mis-information about death and we are so attached to what it should look like. I know well deep inside me that death is also a new beginning, we do reincarnate and it is for us to evolve, life after life.
The very interesting part about dying is that it brings up regrets, in the person dying but also in the people that are left behind. What that shows is that we do not live our lives to our full capacity and as all of who we are. This shows the importance to make dying and death more of an everyday conversation as it is a reflection for us to re-assess what life is truly about.
Wow Heather – when I started to read your blog about losing both parents I could feel my heart sink – as I felt the impact of such a loss – but reading your blog has allowed me to understand what is behind a feeling of grief and how there is actually a lot there to heal and we can look at death as simply the beginning of a new cycle and in that let go of everything that has been.
The fear around dying feels like it comes from our unwillingness to take responsibility for how we are living in this life. It is only when we start to address this that we will have the opportunity to explore it.
Thank you for sharing your experience of your parents’ deaths and starting the discussion about the healing offered by grief. We are presented with so many pictures of what it should look like but it is a personal journey and one that so many struggle not to be overwhelmed by. For me also the key was the foundation I had built for myself that supported me through the process of my father’s death so that when he passed over there was a sense of completion and the grieving process was relatively short. I too am left with a deep appreciation for all that he offered me in the reflection of his commitment to life.
Thank you Heather for writing such a caring piece on death and grieving. Healing some of the expectations and pictures I held onto when my own parents passed away came in the form of understanding where they were at in their life and the choices they made. By looking at their ideals and beliefs helped me to come to a greater understanding of the relationship I had with them and that regret is a waste of time.
A thought provoking read, how it may be for many that the sympathy we often receive from others is actually quite imposing, placing an assumption that we must feel a certain way, but our grief about death and dying does strongly relate I feel, as Heather has raised, to the control we wish to have over life, our seeming control of events and the sadness that arises. To feel sad in my case always relates to a regret about how I have lived, and I can feel that would be the case with family too where I might wish for something to have played out differently rather than accepting the course of events that unfold.
Heather, I can feel this too ‘ I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ I had a picture of what my family ‘should’ look like growing up, this stops acceptance and love, I now see how amazing my family are and now accept them for who they are, this allows for closer and more loving and understanding relationships.
Having the awareness like you did Heather and your lived steady foundation to support your parents deaths is very inspiring. Realising that in the past you would have become very emotional and take on others emotions and to feel yourself view and experience these deaths from a different perspective is super supportive, not just for yourself but for everyone that was experiencing an emotional time with it.
Thank you for sharing Heather, so often people do not know how to be with those who have just lost someone, when all we want is for them to be there for us! I love the line and I totally agree ‘Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.’
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.” Universal Medicine inspires a way to live that brings an inner settlement that puts life into perspective, reunites you with an order that confirms all we naturally feel.
In grieving there is a natural ‘letting go’ process and this we can feel that the attachments we have in life are created by us and not of us; we get to feel the natural detachment which is in our true nature.
“Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events.” Through the understanding that Universal Medicine has presented about energy and movement, it has been a remarkable journey to deconstruct the ideals and images that I have lived and moved for so many years. Now to be able to see how these are manifest in my body and allow the control and investment to drop away is a step towards this glorious surrender of knowing that we are all so much greater than our physical bodies.
Thank-you Heather for the consistent self-commitment that you have lived, the rock bed that has allowed you be still & observe your grief, in this you have turned this experience into an opportunity to evolve, it’s rare to witness this level of deep appreciation around death.
“Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.” This is so true, I felt this too at the funeral of my brother, there was a love that was so beautiful and supportive, everyone came together to celebrate my brother’s life. All his friends help put the funeral and the celebration together and it was a beautiful day. I did cry at the funeral which I didn’t think I would, but it was spontaneous and I didn’t try and hold it back and it didn’t last very long, it just felt like a release of what I had been holding onto.
‘Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it’. A great testimony of the foundation you have built for yourself and confirms that loss of a loved one does not necessarily have to equate with emotional chaos, it can be a steady, acceptance of the divine natural ebb and flow of life.
Thank you Heather for sharing your exploration of yourself following the death of both your parents. It shows that having a theoretical understanding of end of life-cycles does not necessarily mean we will not experience grief when we lose loved ones. Bringing understanding to your own grief by relating it to unresolved past hurts in your relationship with your parents was profound. Once acknowledged and accepted it could then be released and it is this process that opens the way to healing.
Thank you for this blog. It is timely for me as I will be at a funeral later today.. What I appreciate about what you are sharing is that the grief can come from unfilled expectations about the pictures we carry about what relationships “should” be rather than appreciating the true reflection that they offer. It is supporting me to ponder on the reflections of my relationships.
Thank you for sharing this experience. I am often confronted with the topic of death and have the opportunity to speak with a wide range of people about the subject. Many, if not most people do become distressed when having to face the subject of death and dying because of the attachments that they have to life. Reading this made me wonder about the distress that people feel upon facing their own, or the death of another and whether this distress might be based on knowing what the consequences are of not living life responsibly. It’s like we know we have to face what we have left undone, or done in an unloving or ill considered way. It’s like we know we have to face our own Karma for our life’s choices. Some people are scared of “going to hell”, but I wonder if deep down, we know that “hell” we go to is in fact the next cycle of life on this planet – and the “hell” is the result of the choices that we have previously made. If this is in fact the case, then Karma is a blessing, an opportunity to correct the mistakes that we have previously made, and reincarnation is the merry-go-round we are on until we all “get it right”. Wow – life is one big ground hog day !!
It is incredible to read such an honest account on your experience and your understanding of the process. I have seen grief throw people and families into disarray for years. What you are offering here is a roadmap to understanding the tsunami of emotions that can well up when dealing with grief.
This line – “it’s been quite interesting to note how other people in my life have responded to my bereavements with feelings of sympathy, making assumptions about how I must be feeling.” reminded me of some recent interviews of people who had been involved in the media regarding the death of a partner/family member. The public grief they got because they were not responding to the death of these people like the public thought they should was quite horrific and shaped much of the nation’s response to these deaths. When we hold pictures – big and small – they stop us from seeing (and feeling) what is really going on.
As a child I can remember being intrigued by death and I felt I had a knowing that it wasn’t final and as I grew up what I found most difficult was dealing with the emotions others had around death. It is still a learning for me as I guess the sad part is feeling the missed opportunities with that person to truly live love.
I agree with you, Heather, I feel our difficulty when facing death has a lot to do with ‘letting go of a life that we have been so attached to.’ When we are able to accept and appreciate that we are, in fact, part of so much more, that it’s not the end, we have another opportunity to spread our light and love in another life, the impulse is much more to be all that we can be in this life, preparing us to be even more in the next.
Interestingly, we have a Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages – to me this says quite clearly that we have always acknowledged that all three come under the one umbrella – all equal parts of the one cycle of life.
Grief has been an opportunity for me to uncover that my sadness wasn’t at losing the person, for in truth I know no one is lost as we all come back, more that fact that we didn’t ever truly connect in the way that we could have. We both held back our love, it was measured, there was no freedom of expression. That’s what I was grieving.
It is truly beautiful that with support of Universal Medicine, you have come to a place where you can appreciate the reflections your parents offered you and work to let go of the hurts that have arisen since their passing. I can imagine it is a difficult and yet deeply evolutionary process that offers great lessons about ourselves when observation and understanding is embraced.
I had very little contact with my mother when she passed away and I was surprised how much grief there was in my body at the time.
Hello Heather and I find it so interesting that you mention cycles. As you say and when I look around we have cycles everywhere. The seasons, animals, insects, the clock all cycle around and around again. Why don’t we look at life like this? I can feel I don’t fully see life as a cycle as yet but I am certainly aware of the fact that it doesn’t make sense. We even call it the ‘cycle of life’ and yet we don’t treat it fully as such. It will be amazing to see where this goes and I loved the blog Heather, thank you.
It’s like we still need to break through a certain way of thinking about life – mainly being that we only have one life and it does not really matter what we do, because we die anyway. As a global community, I don’t think that we have yet come to fully understand the true nature of life on this planet – nor accept the fact of reincarnation and the inescapable truth of Karma.
For some people I feel, it feels like they hold onto grief and remorse as a duty they choose and feel guilty if they don’t. How wonderful Heather, that with your parents passing when the grief and regrets came up you chose this as a time to go deeper into yourself, recognising these feelings of old hurts and attachments were emotions that were not the real you and then being able deal with them, to simply let them go and appreciate the healing this time offered. “Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it”. And this is a beautiful commitment we can make towards ourselves, which offers a reflection for others to feel and respond to.
Someone very wise recently shared in an article I read that we think we are grieving death, but what we are really grieving is the measured life we have chosen to live. It is the regret of not having shared ourselves in full, let our love be fully expressed towards and with another, and when a loved one dies there is no much left unsaid. Death is a reflection, our attitude and relationship with it, to how much we embrace living in full — or not.
Thank you Heather for sharing all that you have through this blog. There is great value for us all in discussing death, and understanding how we feel about it. It is a part of the cycle we are all currently in, a real part of our everyday life, and the less we talk about it in depth and leave it unaddressed the more it becomes a shadowy taboo and something to fear. Holding onto fear and existing through our lives with this immanent taboo hanging over our heads, keeps us locked into solely perfecting our physical lives so as to avoid the knowing of our approaching death. This is what keeps us from exploring and discovering the power, grace, insight and healing that comes from understanding this part of our cycle, and the purpose of our lives here together, not only for us alone but for us as a humanity, when we instead embrace the wisdom of our Soul.
Thank you for sharing this Heather. Death and dying are subjects that always stir the emotions, and I am not sure how I will deal with the situation and grief when it arises. Sharing your experience has supported me in exploring this topic within myself and accepting the feelings that may arise when I am faced with the passing of those who are close to me.
It is incredible how you were able to observe the emotion of grief and therefore not get identified with it. You also showed us that the key to supporting ourselves is to develop a deep appreciation for ourselves and for others, and applying the power of observation without any judgement, attachments or absorbing the emotions, this is deeply healing.
We as a society avoid talking about death or considering what death truly means as it is often seen as a great loss that we do not want to think about, a termination of life into the mysterious unknown. But this is all that we will see, if all that we live is limited to our physicality alone. Yet in truth we all sense that there is more to life than our bodies and if we chose to broaden our awareness and deepen our connection to the essence of who we are within, we discover that the quality of our Soul is eternal and death is merely a magnificent movement in order to release our Soul from form, so as to move into the next cycle allowing evolution to continue. This is a movement that is unstoppable however the choice that is ours is, whether we choose to resist the truth, or move in surrender to the truth of who we are in essence, which determines the quality in which we move through this cycle.
“Surrender to our essence” – it sounds, and is Divine.
Recognising that our hurts are not who we are is powerful and creates the space for us to be able to resolve them.
Great to explore the topics of death, ‘dying’ and grief. It is interesting how we celebrate births and often mourn deaths, when in truth when we pass over we are being birthed into our next cycle and that is something we can equally celebrate. Conversations about death and dying can bring greater understanding.Thank you Heather.
It is a very worthwhile topic to discuss and something we all as people have a common and repeated experience of. While our individual experiences of death can be said to be our own, we all pass over, a common trait to all humanity.
So true Victoria. We celebrate the birth of a baby and are not expected to celebrate the passing of a loved one! Yet, it is a natural cycle to experience life and death of the physical body.
Like Heather, both my parents passed over recently. I also did not expect grief to surface and was so surprised to find tears arising out of the blue. Childhood memories surfaced, the relationship we did and did not have, there were many issues to be healed. What an opportunity to let go of all those ideals and beliefs of the perfect parents and also to lovingly accept them for who they were, two people doing the best they could with the ‘tools in their toolbox’. The opportunity of being with them in their final years was a great healing for us all.
Healing our hurts offers us the space to feel the love that we truly are.
Your beautiful blog Heather, reflects so well for us, how we do not have a healthy relationship with others passing over. There is almost an expectation of having to feel very emotional, to stay in mourning, for some, a whole year and so forth, keeping us stuck and away from our feelings and in touch with ourselves to then be able to process what is really going on and to see it as part of a cycle that can be very beautiful and honouring of the person and what they brought to the world. In doing this, we are much more in line with the whole life process and it’s true meaning.
Recently I’ve let go of deep grief around my separation a few years ago. It was very painful to feel, but the effect is grander than I could ever imagine. The lightness in my body, the effect is had on my relaxation. It is tremendous. Now I’ve felt (!!) how keeping onto our hurts effects us greatly on everyday level, yet we pretend, ignore how much effect it has. So it’s worth to heal our hurts and grief. It definitely offers great healing.
Death brings up so much for many of us, and it is something none of us can escape, yet how prepared are we? We prepare for childbirth, yet when it comes to death, could we say we live like it will never happen unless we are faced by our own impending death, or know someone who is facing their impending death or the sudden death of a loved one, someone we know…it seems at such times we then stop and feel an impact.
Thank you Heather for writing about your understanding of dying and the grief and sadness that can come up. I’m in a phase now with one of my parents and it is awkward most of the time. There is my part in the attachment to how I’d prefer it to be and then theirs. What I do know is that I am constantly given the opportunity to open up more with greater understanding and simply be me. There is nothing else I can do except for me to surrender to the process as it unfolds.
With two relatives who will pass over the next years, I experience that they have no fear of passing and disappearing as the person that they are, but there is lots of regret and sadness, unhealed and incomplete past experiences about a life lived that makes them want to leave and be released from it. One could say they are world-worn and hence don´t fear death but I wonder whether underneath there is a knowing of what is going to come.
Yes, one of the big benefits of living a fully committed life is that there are few if any regrets at the end.
Indeed Christoph regrets become a thing of the past when life is lived fully from our innermost.
This does ring true Heather that “many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life”. It is something that occurs in whatever beliefs are held or religious tendency observed, which really does not make sense. So does it not reflect that it is the beliefs around death that a religion may portray are in fact contributing to the fear of what is a very natural part of every life.
Your deep sensitivity is felt clearly in this blog which is a joy to read, Heather. I am amazed at how death is still something that some people want to shy away from speaking about, as if it is a taboo subject that has no reality. Great you have opened a conversation on this and re-incarnation.
We are sold pictures and ideal way to process the passing of loved ones mainly through media. Since realising this I have noticed how unique every death is and the circumstances are.
‘Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.’ – What you say here is key, to be willing to be consistent with the way we care for ourselves and others, and to be aware of the quality we do it in – making it about Love.
This is a beautiful sharing about understanding life and death and remaining connected and not attached to those with whom we share our lives. Exquisite piece of writing Heather.
wow, every time I read this blog there is so much that makes me stop and think – like this sentence “maybe it’s the fear of what’s next and/or the attachment to the life we’ve created and know, never having acknowledged or appreciated that we are so much more than just our individuated physical existence.” – when we live life as the purely corporeal and never consider the grander cycles of life and how we might belong to them, how death as much as birth and life is a part of the cycle, then death becomes something to be feared – the unknown and something not understood because it is kept separate from life and living
It is a huge blessing to discover that their is a deep stillness within us that is much more powerful than grief or sadness, which in themselves have been so unsettling and overwhelming in my life. From stillness, I can feel how the whole outplay of grief and the hardening of our bodies, as if to protect us from something already inside, is so harming and exhausting.
In our culture we come to death almost unprepared and surprised that we succumbed. I hear phrases like…he lost the battle with illness, he fought until the end. There is a strong tendency to deny that death is a possibility, yet we know it is inevitable. Surrendering to life and the evolution we are here for is a gift and therefore we are more easily able to surrender to our death and the death of loved ones. Knowing that we are deeply connected is a blessing as is the evolution we are here for and the next phase of our journey.
I really struggled when my mother died suddenly a week after I got engaged. I felt I didn’t have the opportunity to say all the things I wanted to say. However, I’ve realised, it shouldn’t take a serious illness to prompt an expression of how we truly feel for each other, this is something I’m allowing more and more these days, being very open and honest with how I am feeling, not holding back and keeping things to myself – what is the point in that. We all crave the same thing, love. The more we share the love that we all are, the more we feel that love being offered back to us, it’s simply the most beautiful gift to give and receive.
It’s easy to take on the emotions of others at times of a bereavement, but it’s beautiful to read about how the foundation you have built helped you hold yourself and support you at this time.
My views on death have changed so much in recent years as I have felt the truth in my body rather than feeling I had to believe what had been taught to me about death. I am more comfortable with death than I have ever been but I can still feel some emotional attachments there which I feel are part of the human experience. I am sure these will diminish as I heal some of my deeper hurts.
When we put our beliefs and emotions about death to the side, we can support those nearing the end of their life with so much more clarity, openness and understanding. We can do this with our families and in professions such as Medicine it would completely change the way death is looked at and palliative care altogether.
The rhythm of the universe adheres to cycles including life and death. As I have felt into what reincarnation is and means I have come to accept that this life is just a moment in time and it too will pass. The cycle of life and death teaches us the ultimate lesson in surrender.
14 years ago two members of my close family passed away within a few weeks of each other. The grief that followed was like a big thick fog. I knew I had a choice – I could fight it and leave all that grief in my body, or I could accept it, feel it, go with it, and clear it. I chose the latter. I entered into a period of grieving and I didn’t know when it was going to end. It took 4 months for me to feel like me again. I accepted it and came through it. It would have been an entirely different story if I had resisted.
Nothing is more inevitable than death and yet time and time again we find ourselves ill prepared for it when it arrives upon our doorstep.
From experience, I have been able to appreciate fully that the choices that I make in my day to day life have supported me to understand and deal with death in a very different way to how I had done previously. My mother passed away before I was introduced to Serge Benhayon and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom. It was a difficult time in my life and I felt a deep and painful loss, even though I knew there was more to dying than I could explain. When my father passed over 8 years later, and having attended many Universal Medicine workshops and courses where Serge had talked about death and dying, explaining that life and death are a continuing cycle, and that we are all on this same continuous path, returning time and time again to learn that life is about living responsibly the love that we are, I was able to approach his death very differently. To be able to allow myself to feel the sadness and grief without being heavily weighed down with emotions was enlightening, knowing that death is not the end but an opportunity for the soul to be released from a body that no longer serves it, to return again in another body and potentially make different, more loving and responsible choices next time round that serve the whole and not just the individual.
This is a great subject to discuss Heather, that death is not the end, but part of a cycle that repeats itself with many lives. It’s interesting we can feel the sadness because of the pictures we have of how family ‘should’ be, and has let us down because of the ill choices we have made in the past. Very exposing, but also very healing when we feel it. We can make new loving choices from now on.
Understanding life as a cycle as part of the greater rhythm of reincarnation not only changes our relationship with death but life and a way of living. It is not a belief in reincarnation but the knowing deep inside that makes it a livingness that expresses in all aspects of life. Ignoring or dismissing reincarnation robs us of who we are in truth and is nothing but resistance to be accountable for the way one is living – a choice we can make individually but has also been made culturally and nationally, which contributes much to the waywardness and the age-old dilemmas of mankind that today plague us as much as ever.
I love the feeling of death in the way it is reflected in this blog, as it brings a simplicity back into our life and a true reflection of where our attachments and identifications are and it teaches us to let go. Maybe that is why we avoid it so much, because we do not like to look at life from a point of death as a lot of the things that we pursue in life do not make sense then.
Heather I can so relate to this, ‘I have had an attachment to how I want life to be, a need based on an ideal or a story of what perfect family life/relationships should look like.’ I can feel how powerful it can be to let go of expectations of how our relationships should be and to simply accept people as they are and where they are at without judgment and how this will then allow for much more loving, close relationships.
It is beautifully simple and inspiring to connect to the healing opportunity offered to us in the death and dying process we go through and also for those observing and being part of our lives. A great understanding and beauty offered of allowing us to feel and acknowledge what there is to be felt and the healing this offers us if we do not get stuck in our emotions and see what there is to be seen and allow the love we are.
A very supportive article Heather – thank you. “Making consistently loving choices has created a strong foundation, enabling me to feel the unwavering love that is there supporting us when we choose it, including during those times when our loved ones pass on.” I felt the difference in my choices between my father dying thirty years ago and my mother’s passing eight years ago – (after I had attended Universal Medicine presentations) when I had the support of esoteric practitioners and I was able to grieve, let go and heal so much during her illness, that when she died I had done all my grieving – and was in a much better place to be able to support others who still had many hurts undealt with.
I have appreciated and grown so much through studying with Universal Medicine and how words such as grief that have felt quite closed in their meaning to me, have been ignited with fresh understanding. The open way grief has been shared to mean ‘separation’ and how it was discussed and at the same time, able to be felt in the body, has sparked a healing for me and inspired compassion and support for others in their grieving process without sympathy or sadness being imposed.
I agree Heather that there are so many beliefs around death and grief and set ways of behaving around these that are so established in our societies that we haven’t really questioned fully whether they are true.
It is very frightening if we think we have no idea what comes after death, especially if we then don’t relax into that not-knowing and to see what comes next.
I feel ever more certain that the way we live our days, the consistency of self-love we build – or otherwise – is what is in our foundation when these ‘life events’ happen. Life becomes less about dealing with the so-called dramas, and more about how we are and what we choose in every moment.
“I had the opportunity with both of my parents to prepare for their passing. We talked about things that mattered to us and had the chance to deepen our relationship as their time in this cycle was becoming short.” What a gift Heather, for them and for you, to be able to deepen your connection, confirm your love for one another before your parents passed over. All too often you hear people say they wished they had said this or that to the person before they died and many people also find it very challenging to discuss their death and all that it represents. It is a precious time to share, appreciate and accept without expectations or any ‘to do’ list and if willing and open, a beautiful time to prepare for the next phase of living in another dimension until we return to this one again.
It is a great irony of human life as it stands that we treat each other so heartlessly, without any care or the barest attempt to understand. And yet we say this is the only time we are here together on this earth. If this was our ‘one shot’ which I feel strongly that it is not, surely we should value and appreciate, savour, cherish and champion every day and every breath, every opportunity that comes our way, even every cloud that blocks our view? For what in the ‘end’ would we have have to lose if we lived this way? Thank you for sharing so honestly Heather on this eternal issue.
There are many different ideals and beliefs around death and dying, whether it is religious, cultural or expectations from our society, from where we live. But the one thing that I know from my absoluteness is that death is part of the cycle of life, a completion of a life lived, and rebirth being the next phase.
“Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief.”- I too have experienced this with the passing over of both my parents. I used to see myself as a victim of life growing up, having identified with the events that happened in my life, but have since dealt with these childhood hurts and now look at them as a blessing for me to learn from.
Death is nothing people like to talk about and that is what made it so complicated. If passing away would be something most people would talk about in general perhaps it would be what it is – the end of a cycle. Thank you Heather for your amazing blog it can help to understand the deeper meaning of death.
We can all say how we think we might feel when our parents die but until you have been through it, you really don’t know what may come up to be felt. Thank you for sharing this with us, the detail and grace that you were able to deal with your parents passing supports readers with what may be ahead for them one day.
What a simple and great way to read about the death of a family member. Thank you Heather Hardy for sharing that grieving is a natural process in our lives and the quality in which we grieve can be understood deeply through the support that is offered by Serge Behnayon and Universal Medicine in understanding our own hurts. A humbling read and a blog to revisit again and again.
Yes, I agree many of us have fears around death. Yet when you understand that death is simply the beginning of another cycle, there is then nothing to fear. Is it possible to perhaps see this time as a celebration of one’s life? I feel the way we view and fear death is distorted to blind us to the truth of what is really taking place. This is a brilliant blog Heather, opening the conservation and expanding our understanding around death.
For many in society today death is seen as the end of one’s life, but to truly know the beautiful cycle we are all apart of and seemingly unaware of is the greatest surrender to note. When we pass away we are offered a moment to pause and appreciate a life lived and then another cycle begins anew. Thank you Heather for sharing this honest and exquisite blog.
I agree kellyzarb and if we truly surrendered to what we know to be true about death and viewed death as a ‘comma’ rather than a ‘full stop’ perhaps it would change our whole way of approaching death and dying.
“I now feel the deepest appreciation for the reflection that my parents offered me and the healing of these old hurts I’ve since received from their departure” – wow so awesome Heather, to have the grace of space to observe this and feel with no longer any regret or resentment but instead settled joy and expansion in having been part of your family for the reflections reflected by them [and vice versa by you too] through being together this life.
Heather what a great and healing post this is to read on grief and passing over, thank you for writing it. That you shared grief still came up for you in your parents passing even though you had been prepared, is touching to feel in the sense of the human aspect still being an important part of us to not underplay but to honour, the same as the divine aspect that provides the knowing of death being a cycle [of healing]. Both humanness and divinity are equally important parts of us to respect.
Another big area that holds us to the emotion around attachment exposing the level we have been invested in life as we have lived it. In every ending there is an opportunity for a new beginning and reading your sharing Heather – this is being offered to everyone.
I am deeply surrendering into accepting and understanding attachment, to simply feel into it all. There is a strong momentum of attachement with certain people that allowing them to be themselves is extremely difficult, but in my observation they are the golden opportunities in our lives to truly master what is love. Because attachment can feel so intense at times, non-attachment can be mistaken to be not caring or shutting someone out, but it is not. When we are not attached, we can truly express all that we feel, in fact there is deep closeness—yes, we may feel emotional in the beginning for all the love that we have held back in expressing, as we are such loving beings! And it is in this trust that we give back to ourselves to start expressing ourselves, we also start living this trust with others in how they choose their lives.
The celebration of the end of one’s life is to celebrate all of them in their living. No matter how anyone’s choices are we hold them in the deepest love that they have all the right to choose how they have lived. There is only joy when we observe this truth and the only sadness is when we have not reflected our own choices clearly and consistently to them when we want them to be different.
When we come to a point in time, like death, we are faced with each and every choice and point in time up until that moment… Have we used them to deepen, to evolve and to love; or, to be caught up in a ‘merry go round’ of life, emotions, hurts and not used the opportunity our life presented to us.
It’s great you got to spend quality time with both of them deepening your relationship. You are so right ‘we are so much more than just our individuated physical existence.’ I don’t feel this is truly understood enough or death and moving on is talked about enough in families, communities and society to break very old and ill consciousnesses.
What a great discussion to open up and share. Having the acceptance that this is not the only life that we have but that we do indeed return back and reincarnate as a eternal cycle of life changes the goal posts completely around death. Every single one of us has our own journey with death and the next phase. Being able to share and discuss this is really important, to feel the long held beliefs around this and the hurts that we maybe carrying.
Heather this is such an open and honest conversation about death. You have brought a deeper quality to it and even offering how we can be affected by death and what it brings up for us, whether it be our own impending death or the death of a loved one. Death is a finality of one life, and in that finality, it’s like we come to a stop and our life is before us, how we have lived, what we value, and we feel like we missed out on and so forth. I feel for me, I’m starting to bring a quality of love to my life and in that the meaningfulness of it, temporal life can never ever meet in it’s fullness. And it is this that is forever eternal and what I will move from life to life in.
What a powerful healing received from the end of this life cycle of your parents by staying steady and not letting emotions rule you as they came up. How amazing it is to trust the body, stay present with and in it fully and observe the emotional baggage being let go of.
“Through observing the emotional pain of loss, regret and deep sadness that were presenting themselves, I then had the space to acknowledge what was there – old hurts, attachments, control – and see them for what they were and let them go”.
Thank you for this beautiful sharing Heather. In my experience the extent of grieving comes from what has been left unsaid or not expressed. It can be as you say, a very healing and deep reflective time. I have been around a lot of death in my life and even though at times I have missed the physical presence in my life of those loved ones, I accept that each soul has its journey and we get to share those moments for as long as that is. It can be a real wake up when someone dies, and we needn’t wait to fully express our appreciation for the people we share life with, and for life itself.
I feel grief and death and dying is something that is so needed in our everyday conversations… it needs to be brought out into the open and discussed as a normal and natural part of life rather than some taboo topic that is avoided until we are forced to face it. And you have started that conversation here Heather which is very inspiring to read… thank you.
Death can be such a healing time, healing for the person dying and those left behind. Much healing can take place leading up to the time before death when a lot of harmony can be restored. After the death of a loved one It seems as if everything is more poignant and clear. There can also be an opening for those left behind to come together in a new and different way that is more loving and caring.
‘…it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events’ This line rings very true, and I think you are absolutely spot on here with the intensity in which we ‘try’ to control our lives. I’m guilty of this!
I can so relate to what you share here Heather… I have always believed in reincarnation too and yet when my mother passed away years ago I went into the whole reaction of grief. However, after attending Universal Medicine presentations for some years before my father passed away, there was a completely different response when he died… there was some sadness but also so much more understanding of life, of our relationship and how it had been, and the gift of what was offered us both in those final days.
Heather, what an inspiring way to be. I really enjoyed reading about your experience, because death is something we so rarely talk about in this way. I’m at an age, where although my parents are still relatively young (mid 60’s), I’m beginning to realise that they are in fact ageing, and that I do need to begin preparing myself for their departure into their next cycle. It can be a very overwhelming thought and feeling to be honest, as there is that realisation that because it was never talked about growing up, you forget about the very fact that one day they physically will no longer be with us. I believe it makes perfect sense to have these conversations from an early age, rather than living in the same denial we have around Santa Claus and the many other fairy tales that leave lasting impressions on us. When we deal with the inevitable, it takes the drama and sting out of what is coming. Yes, sadness will ensue naturally so, but by simply preparing for what’s coming feels so much more supportive for all.
Often when grief is shared there is a heaviness and a load of sympathy that comes with it but what you share here Heather is refreshing – that there is so much to learn from death and dying, and that it is one of many cycles of life ending and the beginning of a new one. This brings a simplicity and understanding that is so needed to this phase of life.
Heather a beautiful blog and very inspiring. Most people find it challenging to deal with family members passing over, due to the emotions and attachments. What you share is great for everyone to feel and understand that it does not have to be emotional and we can prepare for the passing over of our parents and other family members.
Every situation and experience is an opportunity to learn and grow if we so choose to see it that way.
The assumptions about how a grieving person must be feeling and the social etiquette of how to treat them are very strong. Usually our response is loaded with sympathy. Yet when I reflect on it, how easy would it be to just ask how the person is feeling? Then they don’t have to respond in the socially accepted narrow range. In nursing I have observed relatives have a lot of mixed feelings but often feel guilty or that they can’t express what they actually feel. This really gets in the way of their grieving and potential healing.
There is almost always something that surprises me in my response or reaction to significant events like death, illness etc, even when I think I know how I feel. I have come to love these events as they bring such a realness, humbleness and honesty that I can normally skim over. Although I have the same unshakable knowing of life and death as part of the one cycle, I have been surprised by my responses to death. This is a big part of the gift of these events in life.
Death is such an important fact of life. It is far from the end of life. To me it reaffirms the cycles of life.
Thank you Heather for sharing how you completely resolved the grief that you found surfacing, that’s such a big support for many I’m sure.
It is beautiful to read your blog, it is showing the fact that grief is healing, but not all that is needed to be at the end of someone’s life, it is to feel the sadness of the leaving of the physicality of their life.
Thank you for sharing your experience and understanding following loss Heather. It provides an insight into the process of dealing with death and dying of a loved one, something I have had little experience of in this life. I often wonder how this will affect me and how I will react when I do experience it. I too know that death and life are cycles that we go through and I feel your point about surrendering to this process is very supportive.
Thank you for this touching sharing Heather. I have had situations in life when I have expected to be distraught and I have been remarkably accepting and fine with them, and other situations when like you I was surprised to find a hit of deep grief or other emotions. On later reflection I noticed these were fueled by different beliefs, attitudes and expectations some of which I was surprised that I had. What you share here about ensuring that ongoingly we live in a way that supports us with a strong loving foundation is very useful, so that we can make the most of the understanding and healing that such situations offer.
You have opened up an important discussion Heather. I like your observation about reincarnation and that there is a familiarity to returning time and time again to do it all over again. That being so then we are actually very familiar with dying as part of the cycle. Is it possible that the supposed fear of dying for some is more to do with becoming more aware of the choices we have made that lead us to that moment and that we are left with the realisation we could have chosen to do many things in a different way. For those who live on it is also a wonderful opportunity to look at the choices we ourselves make and how can we live in such a way that there be no or few regrets.
What a beautiful and honest sharing Heather. I can feel the appreciation you hold for your parents. This is very inspiring to me. So many of us hold a lot of pictures of – especially – relationships within a family. We’re all equal, yet due to stopping expressing the Love that we hold for one another, we create a ‘child’ – ‘parent’ relationship which allows us to blame parents for the rest of our life. How different would life be, including the passing over when we understand, live and express the love that we hold for each other from day one in full. Knowing that we are all here to learn and re-turn to who we really are.
There is a lightness and observational quality to your sharing Heather that is so refreshing and inspirational. A beautiful reflection, thank you.
’Where once I would have been at the mercy of my emotions and those of others, I now feel the unwavering love that is there, supporting me when I choose it.’ – Thank you Heather, such a beautiful account on acceptance and letting go. Love never fails, it is but a choice away.
Heather your awareness and observations of the grieving phase of life offers great understanding to what may be occurring for everyone. There are a multitude of things that arise and a melting pot of emotions can brew with an assumption of this is what and how grieving is done. But there are other choices when a deeper connection to truth and awareness is applied.
Hello Heather and I am imagining that writing this blog would be a continuation of the healing you are having around the death of your parents. I’m sure it was touching to be able to speak to your parents like you did before they died. Being able to be upfront with someone about what you are actually feeling and what is happening is very refreshing. It was interesting to also read about how you went about this grieving process because for many this type of thing may consume them. It didn’t feel like you were consumed and it all felt very light and balanced. Also as you mention the way you are living prior, during and after around any ‘incident’ or event supports you. It would seem from reading that the way you are living is supporting you which in turn supports others. Thank you Heather.
A beautiful blog to enter this important conversation. One which we tend avoid unless it’s right there in front of us. Every death reminds us that this will eventually happen to us all and whether it is someone close or not it exposes to us what is important in life. We often think we feel hurt by death and what it brings, but really what it exposes are the regrets we carry all throughout our life and do not heal and let go of. What you have shared is super important Vanessa as you have brought healing to this in your life. We need to hear many more stories such as yours on this, so the current conversations on death and dying can actually evolve out of the hurts and regrets that we have.
I’ve never had an issue with death, but when I’ve thought about my parents dying I can feel a load full of emotions heavy in these thoughts. This blog has helped me to feel that the heaviness I feel around the thought of their death is feeling where I’ve held back and where I know I can be more of myself with my parents. The heaviness is the fear of them passing before I’ve had the chance to truly open up and express. This knowing starts to expose why I have held back, because of perceived hurts, based on beliefs and ideals about being met and loved. Thanks for sharing and opening up this topic for others to feel more deeply.
I experienced the passing of my mother as very true and timely– she simply had completed this life and in feeling her being complete and in absolute agreement with letting go and moving on I felt the beauty and joy this natural process provides when we accept it in full. Our childhood hurts are ours anyway, just the same before or after the death of our parents, and it is our responsibility to heal them. To make good use of the passing of our parents to honestly deal with whatever is still unhealed in us is very wise, loving and a process of completion.
Super cool blog – would say it is a sad subject.. but actually it is not when truly considered. We are able to heal and let go, the person who is dying, equally to the family and people around them. A wonderful moment to feel what is there to be healed and how we would like to continue life or another cycle of life. If we talk about this subject, like this, we are able to heal and see way more than we at this moment are allowing ourselves to see. Like you shared Heather, that when we have investments in how we want it to be we can not truly see reality.. Very cool. We all actually know that. It is the level of honesty we need to come back to – that makes us real, more clear and truly feeling good.
“I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief. By not becoming identified or absorbed by it, I’ve been able to feel and appreciate the foundation I have made for myself.” What an absolute gift and blessing.
This is beautiful Heather. A very inspiring blog on how to deal with death and the healing it offers.
Thanks Heather, your blog offers a great deal to all of us, as we will all face the passing of loved ones at some stage. Understanding there is a process of grieving that is perhaps unavoidable at times is important, but also feeling the foundation you have made for yourself from which you have been able to deal with it so beautifully is very powerful.
“Maybe it seems like the ultimate surrender when so many struggle to the end to remain in control of themselves, their lives and events. ” – wow, this sentence really came home to me – when surrender is something I know I struggle with in life, it is very much possible that the niggling fear I have around death is that final and total surrender that is being called for – not an end but a beginning of a new cycle.
Heather thank you for sharing the experience of your parents passing. Now that they are getting on in years I have often wondered how I will be if my parents die before me. I too have felt awkward when close friends have had a family member pass, and I’ve been lost for words. Blogs like yours help open up the conversation, which is still taboo in many cultures.
With the support and healing from Universal Medicine, I have been able accept all the changes in my life;[death of parents. divorce, children fledging]. This is because i have faced and felt a lot of my issues, allowing me to view these events truthfully. I am able to respond, rather then react to life’s stuff.
Because of this i am less racy, sleep better, there is less tension in my body. I am feeling amazing and can truly make a difference in this world.
Death and dying still seem to be taboo topics and unfortunately a subject that is often not open for discussion in a sensible and supportive way.
Heather this is a most necessary conversation that you have begun with this beautiful blog, as most people do not like talking about death, preferring to put the conversation aside and hope that it will be forgotten. But why is there so much fear around dying, when it is as big a part of life as being born? Why do we not plan for the end of our lives as fully as we plan for the rest of our lives? This conversation now begun needs to be continued in a way that answers these questions, which in turn will support others that are facing the end of their lives, and others that are grieving the perceived loss of a loved one, so they can begin to understand that death is not something to fear, but to embrace as a natural part of the beautiful cycle of life.
Heather thankyou for sharing your insighful expereince here. What you are showing us is that by understanding that there is so much more to life than what we see before us, death and dying, although can and still does in some circumstances bring grief and sadness, we can accept that much of this is related to what we have have not chosen in our own lives, i.e. how we have avoided having true relationships with those that have passed for what ever reasons they may be. This allows a true healing, rather than being weighed down with heavy and exhausting emotions.
“Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over.” This shows how we have so many ideals and beliefs of how life should be and also about results. We expect if we deal with the process of death perfectly we wont feel sadness yet this is not the truth as shown by your beautiful blog. What is the truth though is that when we know how to connect to our own love and feel the support of this we can deal with these situations without being totally goverened and wacked by them.
With the recent passing of my brother I did fall into moment a of regret that `i had not been there as much as maybe I could of and of the choices he had made. This only lasted a short while for I could feel how this did not serve anyone and I when I let go of this I was able to see how much people loved him and saw the qualities that i remember when we were growing up. We can not control peoples lives and any need for them to be a certain way can be stifling and oppressive whether in life or death.
When we have a knowing that there actually is no death it’s so easy to believe that we shouldn’t feel anything when someone passes over. But even with our knowing of the cycle of death and rebirth it is inevitable that there will be grief and sadness. We can judge ourselves too harshly sometimes. It’s important to accept the feelings and allow them to pass through.
There is so much for us to understood about death and dying, for example, how we are with people who have had a loved one died or how we ourselves prepare for it. We like to avoid thinking/talking about death but that is not the way to approach it. This is a topic that needs to be discussed far and wide.
When confronted with death it seems the most apparent part is that we realise how much we have lived that what we know is true or not, alike for the one who is dying as well as those who are staying and what you show Heather is that it is never too late and no time too short to live this and with each other.
Thanks Heather, I can feel my own relationship with what death and dying means has changed a lot and in regards to those closest to us it feels like it asks the question of me, what love is, for if I get deeply emotional about someone I know well passing is this actually due to love, or is it an attachment to an ideal of what I expected the relationship to be, perhaps how I wanted that person to behave. This could seem cold but put in the context of reincarnation and our preparing ourselves for the next life to come, it is much more matter of fact and the love is there for the person but it is not emotional, only there would be a sense of missing them and what their uniqueness brought to the world.
Death and dying can be a raw and taboo topic for so many people. It is one that I feel we need to be more open about generally as it is part of life that can’t be avoided. Thank you for your sharing Heather. I have not yet experienced anyone close to me dying, but I can feel from your experience how you let the grace of whatever was there to be felt to come up.
Heather, thank you for your sharing, this is beautiful and very inspiring. I love the part when you express appreciation for the reflection offered by your parents in your life. It is a timely reminder to never stop appreciating all the reflections we have in our lives. Thank you.
What Heather shares here – how her foundation of loving choices has supported her to observe, heal and let go, shows the importance and support this way offers us; a way to be in any situation where emotion and reaction are the expected norm.
Thank you Heather for sharing your experience with death, and the passing on of your parents. When our parents pass over it is easy to go into regret of how we could have done things differently, and like you have mentioned have an ideal picture of what the relationship would have looked like had we done x,y or z differently, but we have to remember that our parents were also living a life according to their hurts, ideals and beliefs and without this understanding and a willingness to go there, interactions with our parents would be up and down at best.
No matter how much we ’emotionally’ prepare ourselves the truest text is to have it experienced in everyday life. The best equiped people are the ones who are readily and openly engaged with everyday events.
No theory is better learnt than from practical application.
A beautiful sharing and understanding of death dying and the inevitable passing over in another cycle of life thank you for sharing this so clearly. The sharing of your grief afterwards also felt despite the understanding and the healing of this brought was very supportive in the importance of healing ones own hurts from the pictures and ideals we have of our own. I found this also with my parents and what i felt too. It offered and brought up all the old childhood hurts feeling the sadness and allowing this to leave and brought a completion and love to us all.
Since you are a dear friend Heather, I had the honour of watching you go through the process with your parents passing on, and it was deeply inspiring. What a blessing it must have been for your parents, since you did not impose any emotion on them and any issues that came up you looked at from a perspective of curiousness, asking what is that about and simply letting it go, with no fuss. Very different to the ‘normal’. There are so many things that we do not speak about when it comes to death and dying, and I know you are planning to support others in this deeply precious part of life, many more blessings to come… Thank you for sharing your way of the livingness.
Heather it is both humbling and healing to read your sharing, for me the first thing that comes up is the quality of my relationships and connections with people. Am I all of me and being open with all relationships, I feel the areas I hold back with family and hence I know at this point I would feel grief because I missed out sharing it full openness with another their life. It reminds me the importance and the opportunities we have to be full and all of us or not, in every moment. Very healing in that I need not wait until someone passes over to regret not being love with them.
Every moment in life contains the offer to heal/learn something out of it. I feel inspired by your blog Heather to be more conscious about this fact. So often I do not want to feel or act like I do, but judging myself (or others) does not bring a change here. To accept what I feel, where I am right now is the first step to bring a true change.
Thats reminds me on dying again – to accept life as it is first, so we can ‘the end’ as what it is in truth, a passing over.
Beautiful Heather how you’ve allowed yourself to observe the grief and all that came with it and not dismissing it as an emotion that should not be there because of your inner knowing that life does not end as death is the beginning of a new cycle. ‘ I now feel the deepest appreciation for the reflection that my parents offered me and the healing of these old hurts I’ve since received from their departure.’ Thank you for sharing as I tend to struggle when emotions come up, instead of observing them and let the old attachments, pictures etc. go to heal so we can feel much lighter.
Your blog makes me aware that the moment someone passes over we are confronted with one very essential question, whether we have made that relationship about love or have we missed that opportunity. It really puts things into perspective for me, so thank you Heather!
My brother died very suddenly in 1999 but there were events around his death that were an absolute confirmation to me of the fact that we live in other than physical dimensions too. To tell you the story is a blog in itself – but suffice to say here, despite the suddenness of his departure, he – and we his family – ‘knew’ it was going to happen and in his own way he visited us all to say ‘I am leaving soon’ in the weeks beforehand. The series of events that led up to his death were clearly constellated and although we might think of them as coincidences, we, his family knew there was more at play.
‘…many people have an underlying fear about facing ‘the end’ of their life.’ This is a huge factor in our current process of dealing with the end of life as opposed to truly understanding it and providing all necessary support. Great conversation to start.
Time and time again I come back to the fact that life is about choices, we have a choice to let go of control and to surrender, to hold onto our hurts or to let them go and to open our hearts to the bigger picture. It is when we do that we feel held and supported to trust in releasing from the shackles of life.
Lovely Heather, thank you. There is a sense of absoluteness in what you write here, that offers us all a reflection of the ‘unwavering love’ you speak of and share in your writing. ‘That we live in another dimension is without question…’ I agree and because of this have never found death to be the drama it is sometimes portrayed to be.
Heather, amazing article, there is an expectation when someone passes over that there will be a long period of grief and sadness, it is very refreshing to read that for you it was a short period of grief, that you felt your hurts and attachments and that you were able to deal with them and be okay, I have observed how grieving and sadness at the loss of someone can affect people’s lives for years or even for the whole of this life, it is almost expected, so it’s wonderful to hear that it does not need to be this way, if we understand life in cycles then this changes everything – there is no end point.
This is beautiful, Heather, thank you. What you have clearly laid out for us here is the power of staying connected to ourselves and the undeniable knowing within our bodies, as a foundation upon which we can process any events or unresolved hurts. By living in this way we can have absolute trust in the ever unfolding cycles inside us and all around us, without any attachment or need.
What has supported me the most with the passing of my Mum, was the realisation that the physical form is but a vessel. As she approached her passing, that physical form became less important and what was clear to the whole family was the light that shines within, undimmed by sickness and perhaps more visible as the form dropped away.
The fear around death and dying would have to be based on the fact that reincarnation has not been presented as the law of love that it is and that we have all passed over and been reborn many, many times – whether we believe it or not. It is as though humanity as a whole has been robbed of this knowledge.
This is a very important point you raise Gabriele. Without the knowledge of reincarnation and the deep inner-knowing that we experience many life-cycles, we are left without a very integral part of the puzzle, making it impossible to see the bigger picture.
Thank you Heather for sharing what is a very personal, intimate experience, one that we all face at some point in our lives. It is a time of very mixed feelings and it is amazing to hear how you have embraced the process and appreciated the great gift to all concerned, seeing it as an opportunity to flush out all the un-resolved issues within yourself. You have empowered us to see that the healing received applies to more than just those who are passing over. What is clear is that at such a time, when it is very easy to feel overwhelmed with grief, that the foundation you have built for yourself has supported you to fully appreciate your bereavement and the opportunity to expose and relinquish some deeply held beliefs. The whole process of re-incarnation, i.e passing over and having babies are both events that, no matter how much planning and preparation we do, we are never truly prepared for them when they happen. It is clear that the building of a strong foundation within ourselves is our real planning and preparation for these events, something we can then call upon to support us through these challenging and life altering moments.
How sneaky those pictures can be that we hold to – wanting things to be different, look another way and transform into the ideal family picture we adopt. To deal with our hurts, attachments and grief is courageous and inspires others to follow suit. When we deal with all that presents itself, there is simply no hooks for our pictures to hang.
This is a deep healing you have received Heather and it is a great sharing you give in that the healing is through acknowledging and releasing the hurts that arise from allowing oneself from feeling the grief and thereby the hurts.
Thank you Heather for sharing. There is such a consciousness around death and dying… even how long it is okay to grieve or not to grieve. What I have found important is not to ever discount what our bodies communicate to us of what we are holding on to…. and allow ourselves to express and let go of as we feel.
Heather, what a gorgeous sharing of your experience of your parents death. A while ago I was speaking to a friend who was wondering why she felt grief after losing a parent – she knew that there is a life after death and so she struggled to accept that she was grieving. I shared with her that even though we have a deep sense of the other person in life after death, there was still the human aspect that we often mourn. We are after all in a body, a physical vessel, and this part too needs to be honoured deeply so, despite any understanding that we have on a spiritual/soul level. And thus this completes the package of Soul-Spirit-Body.
The death of those that were close to us has so much to offer if we understand grief. I have also experienced the lost packets of sadness that have laid dormant within me on these occasions and are great opportunities for clearing stuff we no long need.
Thank you for a beautiful sharing Heather. You show how important it is to discuss freely the fact and facts of dying, it is, after all, a natural process of living. When we let go of the person we have known this brings a freedom from attachment to their physical presence and allows the deepening of a connection to the love you shared within your heart. Yes, there is sadness and grief at no longer seeing them but also a joy that they have completed another cycle of life that you have been privileged to share.
Feeling deeply touched to read this, thank you Heather. It is so healing to hear about death and grief from someone who has seen and accepted the bigger picture and who appreciates and knows that we are all so much more than just our individuated physical existence. Hugely healing thank you.
This is a testimonial of how alive The Way of The Livingness truly is. We often read on these sites that there is no ounce of emotion in love. But there are no rules and regulations in love either, no ideals and beliefs. When space opens up for grief it doesn’t need to be dismissed.
It is a beautiful sharing Heather and it reminds me of the passing over of my mother in the beginning of this year. I remember how very naturally in her process of preparing for her passing over it was like I am in another space and felt held very lovingly, the space reminded me of the feeling I had when I gave birth to my daughter Lisa, it was a very sacred feeling and in this process of the preparation of my mother’s passing over a lot of sadness came up of all the moments we had not lived in love together as a daughter and a mother. I agree, this is a deeply healing process.
It feels like we are actually always preparing ourselves for the point of passing – of those around us and ourselves. How we get there all depends on how we live our life every day, and how I would experience other’s passing depends on how I held my relationship with them, and regret would give away where I had held back.
That’s a beautiful summary Fumiyo. I certainly feel that the end of a life-cycle and the subsequent passing is without doubt a reflection for the way we have lived and the choices we have made along the way. It really brings home to me the responsibility we have. Nothing is by chance or left to fate. We have a choice each and every moment of the day in what our next experience will be.
Thank you, Heather for all that you’re sharing here. Like you, I’ve also always believed in re-incarnation, however, reading your blog I began to ponder on how invested we tend to be in THIS life, myself included. Universal Medicine has enabled me to appreciate that we are, in fact, part of so much more, more than we can ever imagine and to see this life in that context really changes the way I choose to live. Rather than racing to ‘achieve’ and get somewhere, it’s allowed me to trust in the divine Universal Law that things will be just the way they are meant to be and to create the space to allow for things to happen.
When we surrender to the unwavering love we all are part of, life becomes a way of return to that place where we belong and in that we understand that we are multi dimensional beings. Part of this road is to understand that we live in cycles and that in our passing over we continue to live on in another dimension, a dimension that we are not able to perceive with our physical senses, but that can be sensed through our 6th sense, our connection with the all.
This is a truly touching blog, Heather. Thank you. To see death as part of a cycle is a real healing. To sit with someone on the cusp of beginning another cycle in this knowing is empowering for them to feel. For to think there is no more living after death is disempowering and not the truth. I knew when both my grandmothers were at this point that our relationships were clear, but their passing still reminded me of my own self imposed separation, which in itself is a miracle to feel, and there were tears shed and healing embraced.
Heather I found reading this blog offered healing. I recall the passing of my father 7 years ago was very beautiful to feel and witness. He gradually surrendered and his heart was wide open to the beauty of everyone and what they bring to life. I felt blessed. Brief waves of grief intermingled with appreciation would pass through me from time to time as a I recalled how I had not valued many of the qualities he embodied whilst he was alive, and realised that he held key qualities that I had needed to master. The beauty is that the imprints of his strengths are always there for me to acknowledge and draw upon.
A superb sharing Heather, thank you. “… Because of this acceptance, I was surprised to find grief surfacing when they did actually pass over…” It is quite amazing how pockets of sadness and grief appear even when we may ‘think’ we are all sorted around some issue, presenting a golden moment to surrender more into the truth and purpose of life.
Thank you for writing this Heather. I have struggled to fully understand grief up until I read this blog. I could never understand why it hurt so much to learn someone had died but not so much if they moved overseas or simply drifted out of my life and I never saw them again. I always had a sense that the grief was to do with the loss of the potential of the expression that emanated from that particular person. Realising my own pictures and investment are the cause of grief is huge in this context.
Thanks for sharing Heather. I love how you have shared how the emotion that generally is all around when people die is ‘grief’ and even from friends and loved ones who pass on their sympathies, because that is the usual thing to do, but this offers no true understanding of death. Letting a person heal and ultimately have free will is the greatest form of love, and being in the presence of this when a death is occurring makes such a difference.
Thank you for a beautiful sharing Heather. You write how well you were prepared for your parents passing and then were surprised when grief surfaced. I remember when my father died, I knew and accepted that he had died but it took me quite a while to realise that meant I couldn’t phone him. It seems there are different parts of us that have to adjust. I know that a lot of older people after a life time with a partner will still lay the dinner table for them after their passing.
Thank you for sharing Heather and raising awareness around this topic. I found that when my mother passed over two years ago there was a lack of the intensity of grieving and on pondering on this and the reason why I feel that it was because I had no regrets but also had a greater acceptance of how we both were and the choices we both made in the understanding of one another and our relationship.
Dear Heather,
What a time to be reading your article, I attended my Grandmother’s funeral yesterday. Like you share in the time since her passing, that has been both the absolute knowing that Grandma finally surrendered and the feeling of warmth inside in knowing that every part of her death is exactly how it needed to be for her, this was very beautiful to feel, along with feelings of grief. What I have found interesting is that the feelings of grief have come directly from my own personal wants and needs. Whilst this was very real, if I had stayed with the grief of my own making, I would never have felt the truth. As there was only joy when I allowed myself to feel my Grandma’s choices.
Thank you Leigh. I am preparing for the death of someone close to me and your words here are a huge support. I absolutely know that there is a divine plan unfolding and it is wonderful to realise that my grief is self made because I can also lovingly support myself to let it go.
That’s beautiful Leigh, thank you for sharing. In reading your experience, I’m reminded that how we are affects all of those around us, including our loved ones that have or are passing. What a blessing your understanding of yourself and life must have been for your Grandma.
This is profound Heather – both how you describe death as a period of ‘letting go’ and also your relationship/attitude to your parents passing away. Even though once someone passes away, our reaction to this can either support them and their final imprint (from this life) on the world, or we can become emotional and feel grief, thus tainting the clarity and closure that death can offer everyone who knew the person and the person themselves.
I feel you’ve nailed why we avoid even discussing death at all, Heather, with your sharing that it is so inevitable and not determined by us – it is completely out of our control; that it requires a surrender that cannot be avoided – which means a complete loss of manipulation and control. Except in those cases where people suicide, it is only the Soul that determines the hour of death.
Moreover, more awareness of and openness about death would resurrect the knowing that we are run by an immortal being, the spirit, in defiance of our true immortal being, our Soul. No wonder it is such a taboo subject and that when it is spoken of, it is surrounded by complicated ritual, usually given over to a third party. Hence, we negate our part in it once again.
Very beautiful to read Heather and to sit with in relation to my own family and friends, as it inspires me to continue to work on my hurts as much as possible, before I experience my own passing and/or the passing of loved ones.
Great topic Heather. Having lost my Mother 20 years ago, and Father 10 years ago, the thing that I was grateful for was how My inner knowing was the one thing that comforted me. That inner knowing that we continue on as a Soul was solid within me! But having since connected to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine my depth of knowledge and understanding have deepened even more. How different our perception of death would be if this knowing was common place and we could all accept that we are just evolving, one life to another. The feeling of loss would not be all consuming as it is for some now.
Yes, death can be a great healing.
I would say after reading this that grief is like a reaction to our investments towards life being a certain way never being able to be fulfilled. But are these expectations of life being a certain way true for us to achieve? Because the amount of times I have had my expectations and investments fulfilled I have always been left feeling heavy and/or empty. So is grieving the loss of someone really allowing us to see the gold we did have while with the person? Or just still stewing on wanting our pictures of life met. Thank you for sharing this Heather.
Hi Heather it seems that it is our regrets that surface more than anything around death. We regret all the opportunities we had to be real with that person choosing instead to be otherwise and for the person that is dying this is often what they are facing also. I know this was the case with my father as leading up to his death he would look at us and his grandchildren and you could see him realize that he was really only truly seeing us all for the first time and then he would hobble up to his room and curl into the fetal position and sob. This happened quite often and he got to express this to us which was quite a beautiful process and healing for everyone.
This is a lovely blog to read and feel the stillness in the end of this cycle of life with the beings you knew as your parents this time around and the reflections and growth you offered one another. Reading and reflecting on your story what stands out to me is the struggle so many of us have to control our life and events within our time here and the effect living our lives that way has on the human body and the importance of acknowledging and appreciating that we are so much more than our individual physical existence our particles being from God make us all equal parts of the universe and therefore our true family of origin is the universe.
Heather, thank you for the sharing of your story and experience with Grief and Healing. There are many droplets of gold in your blog that will be there to support many who are not sure how they ‘should’ feel at the time of someone close that is preparing for the next life, and their own expression and understanding of the grief process. Isn’t it interesting how we can hold onto an image of how we miss the close proximity of a person, their physical appearance, fragrance etc., but ultimately, that image is not true anyway. It seems to me it is their essence and the reflection of that essence that is the truth of that which we may ‘miss’, but the outer body, the case that we come in may spring to mind and appear to be the part that we put our mind to and say we miss. In truth we never really ‘go away’ as our particles continue to be a part of the universe, the oneness of all that is. Awesome really.
I wish we discussed death more. When a friend of mine died a few years ago, I was so unprepared and completely at the mercy of my emotions. I loved what you share here, that we can make consistently loving choices (not in perfection) that support us to deal with whatever comes our way. And from this foundation, we can learn to see things as they are, and not how we want them to be. I love the insights you share here – especially this one – “here we are unable to avoid death and the unfamiliarity of surrender” I fight surrender all the time – from not wanting to go to bed when I am tired, to much bigger issues – but we can’t fight death – I mean we can try but ultimately we are going to die. The ultimate surrender. I love how Serge Benhayon is teaching us that we can learn to surrender throughout our lives and see the cycle that we are all living in.
Yes, Sarah, this is a discussion that is so needed. It’s interesting to observe the reflections that life brings us, and our experience of death is simply another reflection of how we have lived – control or surrender.
I’m learning too, how surrender isn’t a passive thing, but a choice to accept and allow the natural order of life unfold. When we do this our experience of life is quite different.
Everything is a reflection of what is within and so when a new awareness makes itself known and we accept and appreciate this – a little more is released and a little more of who we truly are is claimed. This is a tender, honest and loving reflection of the gift that comes when loss of a loved one occurs. Thanks Heather.
How powerful it is to observe and not absorb emotional stuff in its many forms and to come to know that the hurts are actually appendages that are simply emotions taken on to cover over that which we want to avoid feeling. Phew! How freeing to realise they are not who we truly are.
“Being willing to heal these ‘hurts’ and recognising that they are not me, simply just something I’ve taken on, I have been able truly to observe the emotion of grief. By not becoming identified or absorbed by it, I’ve been able to feel and appreciate the foundation I have made for myself”.
Thank you Stephanie. Yes, ‘phew’ indeed! The weight of hurts and emotions binds us to our ideals and beliefs. Observing this has allowed me space to see and feel that they are not me, and that there is something much deeper and truer to connect to.
A beautiful sharing Heather. Thank you.
Thank you Heather, you have given us a true model for how to deal with death and grieving. Simply stunning and greatly appreciated.
Very beautiful Heather. When we understand death and the healing that is on offer it puts a whole new perspective on what has traditionally been such a struggle and difficult time for most people. I love the feeling of your surrender through what you write of your experience. Very inspiring.
Thank you Sara. Yes, perspective makes all the difference. Our understanding of death comes from a greater understanding of life. The more at ease we are with life, then we naturally feel more at ease with death. I’m learning all the time how much I have a choice in how I experience life.
Very beautifully summarised, and so true – thank you Martin.
Heather, thank you for this. I’ve been considering a lot recently as this life will pass, and understanding that despite all the holding on, this too will pass, so to speak. We spend our lives holding on desperately trying to maintain control and death is the one thing we all face and the one thing we rarely discuss, and often do not prepare for, although we all face it. It really is the ultimate surrender and a huge letting go, I feel the grace of how you approached your parents passing and how you allowed the space to feel and see grief and any hurts which arose with the understanding that it’s not others at all, but how we live which allows us to address those hurts.
Yes, thank you Monica. Our general attitude towards death, particularly here in the west, really is quite baffling! There’s so much fear around talking about it and facing it, and yet it can (if we allow it to be) be such a positive and beautiful experience.