Why is it so hard to accept, really accept a compliment?
You would think that accepting a compliment from someone would be easy, something nice said to you or about you, but do we really stop to allow ourselves to feel what is being shared with us about ourselves?
This is something I have been recently observing in myself. Someone offers me a compliment, and I quickly say thank you, brushing it off like it was said in jest, a fleeting moment, or simply to be polite, or better (worse!) yet I go into an explanation of why I may look good, or why my hair is incredibly amazing on that day.
Recently I have brought more attention to how I respond when someone pays me a compliment, why I am so quick to discard it and how it makes me feel. At times it makes me feel a little awkward, uncomfortable, almost as if I am not deserving of that level of attention from another.
What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.
I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.
So I have been playing a little ‘game’ with myself. When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see. I say, ‘Thank you’, allowing my body to feel what has been said.
Yes, there are times when I have recognised that I am feeling amazing and when another comments on that, it is felt and appreciated by me, – but if it is something that I have not yet allowed myself to feel I go into a mini story, brushing it off, going into a detailed scenario, a justification of why I deserve the compliment rather than simply accepting it and so on… in fact, the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.
So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!
By Nicole Serafin, age 43, Tintenbar, Australia
Related Reading:
~ True Appreciation… From Abuse to my Amazing Life
~ Self-Acceptance and Appreciation Bring True Presence
~ The Truth of Simple Acceptance of Self
Words on Serge Benhayon 
When someone pays a compliment we can feel whether it is coming from a truth or not, if it is loaded with something like jealousy or comparison or said because they felt they had to say something.
When the complement is genuine the body does register it on a vibrational level and that vibration has a positive effect on us. It’s the same as when someone says they love us our bodies registers the vibration and knows in a Nano second if it is true or not. How many times a day do we override the vibrations that we feel in order to fit in and play the game called life rather than expose the hypocrisy we live in.
Absolutely Nicole, that which we feel in others is the reflection we are living in, thus this “is the ultimate compliment of all,” when we feel the amazing-ness of another.
And in our fullness we complement others 🙂
“… it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” I often feel quite awkward when attention is on me, which is odd really because another side of me wants to be loved! Nicole I feel it’s a good point that resisting compliments is about our relationship with ourselves, and for me also about letting love in.
Abusive-ness can start at home!
Thank you Nicole, as appreciation can bring True-purpose, but first before appreciation we have to be living in Joy, then with this understanding, and being appreciative has also a confirming factor that come with authority, so when we are living in Joy and thus understandably we are also feeling the authority and that confirms the appreciative-ness that we are connected to, then as we have all three together (Appreciation, authority and confirmation) we have True-purpose. And some time it takes something a simple observation as you have shared, so we have the “space” to bring out the Joy in us!
True “appreciation” comes with the understanding that the divine energy is coming through us and thus takes out the “me” or “I” factor, and thus is confirming of who we all are as we see the same in others.
Great comment Greg that compliments and appreciation represent the All that we are all a part of.
Absolutely and simple as it is, Joy is lived before we can appreciate the truth of “the All that we are all a part of,” and when we do, this is living in Joy-full-ness.
‘So I have been playing a little ‘game’ with myself. When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see. I say, ‘Thank you’, allowing my body to feel what has been said”. Nicole I just love the feeling of space that this sets up.
Yesterday I stopped and asked myself ‘what would I feel if I find someone like me?’ I let myself feel this question and see me for the precious woman I am. The first thing came up to me was how I was taking for grantted the qualities I naturally bring and the effect that has in others my only presence. It deeply touched me that I was living without realizing this fact. We all are so precious and deserves recognize this within ourselves first, then accepting a compliment from others is not a big deal really.
Hi Inma, what a great question “what would I feel if I find someone like me?”, this stopped me in my tracks and supported me to feel who I am from a different angle, something to explore further, thank you.
We as adults have lost the openess and innocent expression that we once came with. Children just share with each other in a very honest and simple way. There is an ease and flow in their interaction that inspires me so much. Why we don’t treat each other like that?
Feels like we got hurt and shutted down our gorgeous way of being and sharing with all. Old past experiences may condition our expression and make us feel not good enough to receive a compliment. But we all have values, something unique to bring and share, so giving ourselves the space to heal and understand lovingly where these patterns comes from is a very worthwhile choice to make, not just for us but for everyone else.
I noticed something recently when I was with some children, an adult approached a young child and the child put its arm up to brush them away it was a clear signal of don’t come near me. But the adult intent in saying hello completely ignored the sign language of the child. This is how we get shut down as children because we are ignored by the adults who having had their sensitivity squashed as a child are no longer able to read what is happening in front of them. We have seemingly shut down one of our greatest assets the ability to read life.
Recently I was having a discussion about me deserving to be promoted in work because I have so much to bring. The other person could see it but I couldn’t and fobbed it off. It got me coming back to read this blog as I’ve realised I haven’t accepted the amazing things that I do bring in my way of working.
This makes me wonder how or whether our compliments are really just that and are not laced with an ounce of comparison or jealousy, or whatever that does not belong to the truth of who we are. We are incredibly sensitive, all of us are. In our communication and interaction, are we empowering others? Are we offering a safe space for others to be and express the joy of being who we are?
Who and what are we delivering when we claim ‘we are not too bad’ and does this serve our bodies or is it sending a down and out message. What you have shared about appreciation Nicole, is spot-on and we should all at least own a healthy way of speaking about ourselves rather than the insidious ways of the past that put our-selves and others down.
I like your question Greg about how we treat ourselves with words and thoughts – “does this serve our bodies?’ We can all feel the suppression of negative thinking of self and others, and conversely the appreciation and love is very settling, igniting, and expanding of our inner selves. When we feel great the body can also feel light and open, instead of heavy and suppressed.
So True Melinda, as what you have shared opens the conversation to another level, as Joy-full-ness is a natural part of our Inner-hearts, Essences / Souls, so Joy is our living way so we get to fully appreciate what God has offered us.
Through our True observations we can also start to reconnect through our Souls not only to Joy but also to Harmony, Truth, Wisdom and Love.
Imagine how settled and contented we as a society could be if we loved and appreciated ourselves – an amazing joy to share. And out would go the drugs, alcohol, junk food and other self harming activities, life would profoundly change.
Absolutely Melinda, and living this level integrity is Joy-full definitely and defiantly to our wayward spirit and thus live with our Soul, Essence / Inner-heart, and the appreciation we are living in is deepen us and this reflection is felt by others..
Someone paid me a compliment the other day and I honestly couldn’t feel what was said in my body, so reading this blog is timely because it shows me that there are aspects of ourselves that we just do not recognise and accept as a quality and strength, but it doesn’t mean to say that others cannot feel it. This helped me to bring more awareness to my body and what I actually do rather than living on autopilot missing the finer details of life.
When we dismiss a complement are we not dishonouring our self?
I used to need compliments from others, otherwise I felt I would internally crumble. I used them as a prop to feel good about myself. Now-a-days I have built much more self-appreciation and self-worth and the need has vanished, although accepting compliments as a confirmation is a lovely thing.
Because of the discomfort we can feel upon receiving a compliment, we can also really quickly gloss over it and return a random compliment to the other – this is just another way to not go deeper with our relationship with ourselves and our power.
Very true Henrietta – “this is just another way to not go deeper with our relationship with ourselves and our power.”
I love Nicole how you have turned this opportunity around – how you seize a moment such as a discomfort from receiving a compliment and feel how there is a quality about yourself to acknowledge, feel and deeply appreciate.
“. . . it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” Ouch! That is really something to swallow. Thank you Nicole for pointing out how dismissive we sometimes can be with ourselves.
It’s taken me a long time to accept compliments that I have pushed away in the past but now my relationship with myself has deepened so much and I can accept myself I can now accept the compliments because they feel true in my body.
If we have self worth issues, compliments can at times make us feel uncomfortable because we are being asked to acknowledge something in ourselves that we don’t want to see, because if we did, it would expose how we use self worth issues to make us feel less.
Spot on Alison – crazy really to feel how we can NOT want to feel how awesome we are! Any excuse will do to fight our power.
“it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” This is spot on, and how so many of us respond when we are paid a compliment. I know I have avoided allowing myself to feel the depth of what is being offered as I was brought up to feel that it was either ‘rude’, ‘big headed’ or you were ‘showing off’ to think well of oneself so would constantly put myself down, or at least dismiss what was being said. The harm this does to ourselves though is enormous, and actually supports no one.
Embracing compliments for the opportunity that they offer to go deeper with our appreciation of all that we are is a complete turnaround for most of us and a beautiful way to celebrate ourselves and all that we offer.
It’s great to bring it back to our relationship to ourselves because it would be easy to make it about the outer compliment.
Yes I know that one when some makes that compliment about me and there is that awkward feeling and wanting to brush it of as I haven’t truly appreciated that about myself. Letting go of the pictures of what I think I need to be is clearing the path for me to be all of who I am and then you can’t help but not see how amazing we really are.
It’s a good point about the pictures and ideals we hold ourselves to, they keep us in a dead end of never measuring up so when a compliment comes we can dismiss it in the same way we dismiss ourselves. Add beliefs to the mix such as “I’m not good enough” and we encase a wall around ourselves that prevents us from seeing and feeling the beauty within.
To truly see you in times of dark and light, because who we are in essence is always true.
On the flip side I have felt to compliment people loads of times, sometimes random strangers. But I hold back because it may not be accepted or taken the wrong way or they take it beyond a simple compliment. But this is another way of using people to measure how I feel to express. A subject that is being unpicked at the moment.
Lack of self-worth takes no time to be triggered and does what it has to do to block anything that can disturb its kingdomship.
As a life long member of the ‘Lack of Self Worth Club’ I can categorically state that lack of self worth does not need to be triggered to be active. Lack of self worth is an activity that effects everything without needing to be activated as such.
I can really see how not appreciating our own qualities is so detrimental and leads us to not being able to accept compliments or genuine appreciation from others.
Aah…..those ‘mini-stories’ are one of life’s main distractions taking us away from a myriad of things including self-love and self-responsibility.
It’s interesting to consider that the discomfort of a compliment can be because it doesn’t fit with the image we have of ourselves (even if that’s negative). This can stop us from accepting a quality in ourselves even though its been seen by someone else.
When I give someone a compliment I love it when they accept it with appreciation and a lovely smile to acknowledge that we both know it is true.
Compliments are easy to accept the more we love ourselves.
Living your own adoration and honouring makes a beautiful change in receiving a compliment. Because you can actually feel and see from which angle the other is acknowledging you and how they specifically express that. You get confirmed in what you already felt, but also inspired in becoming more, as the angle offered is something that might confirm you in deeper sense. Every communication and exchange has the potential to deepen within yourself, the more work you do for yourself the more you can allow and see with another.
When we live honouring ourselves then receiving a compliment is an opportunity to deepen our understanding of what we bring and reflect to others.
It is always the little moments of repose we resist, which actually have the potential to let us grow and deepen in our appreciation and awareness.
I agree Stefanie. I know I am very good at avoiding appreciation as it is the foundation from which you can take the next step in life and go deeper in your relationship with yourself. No appreciation means you can stay exactly where you are.
Another phenomenon I observed yesterday: one woman gave a compliment to two others- how much their relationship deepened. After expressing appreciation there is always this pause. Do you know what I mean- what to respond?! And one of the women that got appreciated started immediately talking, as she could not handle the tension of letting the whole appreciation in. Who says, we have to say something after someone expressed something beautiful ?! It was quite funny to observe as the expansion got reduced into talking. Watch women when you give them compliments or appreciate them- they super often start talking or telling you, why that pullover might look good on them , or where they got it from e.g.
Another funny distraction away of letting in a compliment about some clothing they are wearing is for women to tell immediately after they got the compliment from which shop or label they got it from.
Great and accurate observations Stefanie. We woman love to talk over the top of feelings, we’re constantly cutting and pasting our words over the top of ‘awkward moments’. How much better for us to ‘hang back’ a little and allow us and others to feel into whatever is transpiring a little more deeply and honestly and then feeling from that place if and what if anything needs to be said.
A compliment is a form of appreciation which we can embrace in full. I have experienced today when I let in a true expression of appreciation it is not only a confirmation, but it also magnifies what is already there. And that effects the other as well. Something deepens in the connection as if we see each other for the greatness that we are.
I agree – stopping and feeling deeply into what the moment is offering, I could definitely do more with, and in that act of deepening in itself lies something very precious and worth appreciating as well.
Giving myself a compliment feels very spacious in my body, it is to appreciate and truly value the qualities I have and I let out for everyone to enjoy me.
I have found the more humble we are the easier it is to accept a compliment because we appreciate the compliment as we appreciate ourselves.
Yes, it is beautiful to be able to receive and fully accept a compliment. A confirmation of what we know already.
Very true, Linda, for if you do not respect, love and value yourself how can you believe and accept a compliment from another?
Accepting a compliment is to accept the amazingness one is.
I am building appreciation in my body as I let go of ideals, beliefs and pictures of how the world should be. I cannot change the world but I can change my attitude towards it by changing how I am towards myself. This starts with the appreciation; of the fact that I’m living in the world how amazing is that!
We do tend to go into stories when someone compliments us on something we have not yet appreciated ourselves for; we brush it off, make light of it and come up with excuses and disclaimers. How crazy is that?
This is such a great way of viewing compliments Nicole – ‘stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself’ – How often do we truly appreciate all the beauty that we are.
“it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” This shows how we should all voice our appreciation of each other so that we all become aware of the power of all that we naturally are.
It is interesting that we want to fob off a compliment that someone is giving us, because it exposes the fact that we choose to ignore, when we could appreciate that this quality has been brought to our attention. As I appreciate me more I am more able now to accept and appreciate compliments.
Accepting a compliment is also letting love in and connecting even deeper to the person who is giving the compliment. So I feel it also has to do with our willingness to be open and transparent with other people and really letting ourselves be seen in that way.
Nicole, I love reading your blogs They always bring so much clarity and simplicity to our everyday. Thank you for writing.
Yes this is beautiful ! Love it. Appreciation leading to more evolution !
When we dismiss a complement we also dismiss the opportunity to confirm ourselves and our qualities – and I can really feel how undermining and erosive this is for us all.
We are setting traps for ourselves and dismiss the qualities we bring to each and all; and then we complain because nobody recognises our daily contributions while all the while, we have been deeply appreciated and can appreciate ourselves for being who we are.
So true Gabriele and the first step to appreciation is to start with ourselves.
Very true Nicole.
‘So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!’
It shows us that we have been more denying the amazing beautiful being that we are than anything else.
The more we love and appreciate ourselves the easier it is to accept compliments, our acceptance or rejection all comes back to how we hold ourselves.
Instead of brushing off a compliment which is something most of us usually do the awarenss of just taking that moment to say thank you can shift what is usually a dismissal into appreciation.
But interestingly just those two words ‘thank you’ can be said almost as a form of dismissal or can also be said as a form of acceptance and agreement; it all depends on how we say it.
I often feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to make the other feel less when they compliment on me. I can see that there are two things playing out at those moments. One is that I do compare instead of feel equal with the other person whilst receiving a compliment. The other thing is to get comfortable with being great and light in my own body.
‘The other thing is to get comfortable with being great and light in my own body’ When we have for many years been comfortable with a lot less light this new ‘comfortable’ can feel strange especially when others are reacting to it. It calls for us to continually connect with our centre, to who we truly are, and not be afraid to express from that place. It requires us to be the author of our lives and not let ourselves be swayed by what is real rather than what is true.
Beautifully said Elaine “It requires us to be the author of our lives” in other words it requires us to be responsible for ourselves and our life.
How sinister it is that we have generated a culture that encourages us to belittle ourselves and the consequence of claiming our might, glory, magnificence and being full of ourselves, full of the love we are, is deemed wrong, offensive and socially unacceptable. This standard of how we are expected to hold or value ourselves is simply abusive. The more we openly share our appreciation of one another the more we confirm the truth of who we are which is represented by the movements that are impulsed by the love of our Soul, the fullness of all that we actually are in essence.
As a child being me in full and walking confident feeling really beautiful triggered some reactions, like jealousy, comments that made me doubt about myself, unloving gazes…so I decided to keep my beauty in a box in order to not be seen and hurt anymore. In that time compliments were really uncomfortable, something that I thought I didn’t deserve or I had to avoid by justifying myself.
Thankfully I came across Universal Medicine one day. By receiving regular Sacred Esoteric Healing sessions and with the loving support from my practitioner I could heal what hurt me in the past and prevented me to express just as I am. By reconnecting with my body I can see and feel my true value as a woman, the stillness and infinite tenderness that lies within. It has nothing to do with the outside but in me, whether if others approve me or not. It’s this beauty that I once knew as a girl and now I playfully celebrate and appreciate every day.
Occasionally I receive compliments where I can feel they are laced with comparison and jealousy. I wasn’t aware of this so much before but now I can feel this very clearly whenever it happens and I have learnt to not take it personally. It is a great to observe and understand why someone may feel this way towards me. But when a compliment is free of comparison and jealousy, it feels very confirming.
I can relate very much about this Chanly. This week a friend told me how beautiful I look like from some time to now. But what I felt was jealousy in her words. Some years ago I would react, keeping myself small, bringing some kind of justification to make her more comfortable…But was great was just reading the situation and staying connected with my body. Nothing could touch me in that moment.
Beautiful, I wonder how we can deny that beauty given by a compliment (if so) and or to ourselves when we do feel beautiful. Like how is it even possible that we can deny such truth and beauty that we can see in another and at times in ourselves too?
It has taken years for me to accept a compliment and then the other day in the swimming pool showers I started a conversation with a guy about fitness, and he complimented me for not being overweight. At first, a quick thought came in to want to look for something to say ‘yes, but’ and then I stopped myself and accepted the compliment. His face beamed and it was as if by accepting it he also had been complimented. Awesome moment.
“the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.” This is a great point you make here Nicole that it is our choice to see or not see our innate qualities, why would we choose to not see the beauty of the qualities we all hold?
Compliments need to be discerned, where as appreciation is felt throughout the body and offers an expansion. Whether we allow ourselves to feel this is always ours to choose.
I agree Alison, this is a great point, ‘Compliments need to be discerned..’ because sometimes compliments can be laced with comparison and jealousy which feels more like an attack than a compliment and what can be confusing is that the words can sound complimenting but the energy behind it does not.
Appreciation for oneself by oneself and the expression of that supports a more loving relationship and a stronger foundation.
The more we allow the love of another in the more we are able to receive compliments. Of course we cannot allow the love of another in if we do not love ourselves first.
I can certainly relate to the ‘mini story’ explanations of why I may deserve a certain compliment, Nicole. But what you presented here helped me to see how these stories were covering up just how much I had not accepted the compliment as a quality that is natural to me and never really stopped to appreciate it myself. We can really help each other and build our level of self-love through accepting compliments and giving them without hesitation when they are felt from our body.
Compliments, like everything else need to be discerned for whether they are true or not through listening to the body.
Agreed Elizabeth there is a saying ….a back-handed compliment which when discerned is not a compliment, but a diminishing on the person it is directed at.
It is amazing what our body can register and communicate to us. Also, I find listening to my body is very, very supportive on so many levels.
I agree and through listening to our body we can sense deeper if there is an unease in us because we are resisting accepting or letting in a true expression of love or if the compliment is coming with another energy.
I find that accepting the fact that I am glorious is more difficult than looking at the areas of my life where I am not so glorious.
Truly receiving a compliment that is genuine is like a celebration, something that is recognised and appreciated as a true value is a small party in itself and then continue to do whatever is needed in an expanded version of yourself.
I just received some amazing feedback with service I gave at work. The email first was from the customer to my manager Ccing me. The email seriously amazed me how they described my service to a T. My manager responded just as beautifully and went bigger including many higher, equal and lower in the hierarchy of the business nationally and across the world since it is a global company. It was remarkable how they all replied!
What I found amazing was they all responded in the same tone that the customer presented the feedback in. This was a confirmation what I already know I do bring and appreciate but, when another appreciates it is another whole other level where they now have that same service that I originally offered in them. This shows me just how power-full appreciation is. Without appreciation there is no foundation for you or others to connect to.
I also noticed that when we don’t accept a compliment, it also rejects the expression of another who has noticed something in you which has inspired them, when we knock back or dismiss a compliment, we are also dismissing the person.
Allowing yourself to truly embrace a compliment is a beautiful reflection, and is not about you , but about celebrating the joy of appreciation in us all.
“I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.” We really need to work on ourselves rather than focus on anyone else, because we miss out on so much when we don’t!
When our focus is on others and not on ourselves then we literally miss out on God. Sure that probably sounds ridiculous to most but it’s true none the less. Yes of course we can recognise the God in another but only having recognised the God in us first.
It is common for people to shy away from compliments, and it is not surprising judging by the way we were brought up. We were never taught to appreciate ourselves for just being us nor did we receive confirmation of how glorious we are. One of the greatest things we can do for humanity is to practise true appreciation.
Many of us have been brought up with the ‘Don’t brag’ approach but we take it to the extreme opposite, constantly attacking ourselves with a barrage of negative self talk that is so ingrained we have no idea of the harm we are doing to ourselves, we are not even aware what we are doing. Constantly putting ourselves down, assuming that everything we do is wrong, and it’s all carefully and deliberately designed to keep us down, keep us feeling small. It’s as if we are afraid to express our full power, maybe having been tortured in a past lifetime, we torture ourselves in this one because it feels so familiar. So we can choose to stop. Choose to fully appreciate ourselves in every moment of the day, no need to please anybody or be afraid of any reaction or jealousy, just feel it and carry on – we are amazing beings and it’s time we appreciated that fact and started to live it.
When we really accept a compliment, we allow ourselves to receive it we honour ourselves and the other person equally. It is a very lovely feeling.
Personally, my biggest barrier to accepting a compliment is that I instantly feel there is an imbalance to the affection shared, that I have not given therefore I should not receive. So when a compliment comes out of the blue and I feel unprepared for it and it can send me in to a spin. But really this is very controlling and discounts the bigger picture. As people we all love to express ourselves, in whatever form or capacity that may take, and sometimes this will include sharing the love you have for another, and as I have come to understand, this may not always be in words, sometimes it can be in the simplest gesture.
The great thing is that no one can tell you you are amazing if you have not already claimed and appreciated it yourself – because you just won’t believe it. I’ve definitely gone through a period of not being or feeling amazing, and this morning someone said to me “you’re amazing” and I was like – “what?!” because the words didn’t match how I felt inside, whereas there have been other times people have told me I’m amazing and I’ve been like “Yeh – thank you – that’s true.” How we respond to other people’s appreciation or compliments is an excellent marker of where we are at with our relationship with ourselves.
The greatest complement that I can give myself is to love myself unconditionally.
I notice this with a lot of women, that we are very quick to dismiss compliments from others and instead dismiss or reduce them. It is like we can not handle or appreciate ourselves fully. When someone half does it, it can feel put on but when someone fully appreciates themselves it is deeply inspiring.
I agree – someone who fully appreciates and cherishes and adores themselves is incredibly inspiring – it’s very powerful because it innately offers others the possibility to appreciate and adore themselves too.
It is very beautiful when we pay a compliment to another and they stop a little hazed to feel it. No justification but a simple ‘thank you’ is their response. It really does have an impact on another when we allow ourselves to express a genuine appreciation towards another – something shifts and an openess and space is created.
Although the problem of not letting in a compliment may be to the fore, it is worth to discern any compliment before making a choice to ‘receive’ it or not as like everything else it comes with an energetic quality that may either be a true confirmation or it may be poisoned by the other person’s unresolved comparison issue.
I found myself recently complimenting another but it felt horrible in my body. The compliment was disguised, covering a jealousy that I was holding. I felt in the moment to say something but paying a complement was by far worse than if I had stopped to acknowledge how I was feeling – a learning for next time round! To think I got away with it is a lie as everything is sensed in every moment.
Wow, love your honesty Caroline, what you have described goes on between woman all the time. We say one thing but deep down feel another. How many times do we say ‘lovely to meet you’ with a thin lipped smile that doesn’t reach our eyes.
Receiving and accepting a compliment means to give space for it within oneself, either in appreciation of an already existing space and or expanding it.
A compliment freely and lovingly given is deeply beautify thing – it can only grow us all and brings us back to being the equal Sons that we are.
A compliment is actually a confirmation although it comes with an appreciation.
I notice within myself and in others that the situation when a compliment is given and then brushed aside and rejected by another is commonly taken personally with the result being a hurt or contraction in the one giving the compliment. It shows a level of investment in the other person’ s response but also is not for us to take personally. Whether another accepts the love they are or not is not our issue. It is theirs and understanding this and not reacting to them is the only way we can ever begin to offer any true support for them.
I like the angle you are offering here as well. I already experienced a lot of expectation towards myself, when given a compliment. It is always important to check from which place does a compliment come from.Even if it sounds amazing, if the other person wants something out of it, it is not pure and coming from a true place of appreciation.
I used to find it so hard to accept compliments. But on re-reading your article I am aware I now accept them more easily. I no longer shrug them off ( which is offensive to the complement-giver). I no longer feel the need to ‘return the compliment’ either, which can smack of tokenism. Appreciation of who we are and all we bring is so important but as yet not supported or taught out in society today.
Allowing ourselves to receive appreciation opens us up to be able to appreciate others as well as everything in our life and this is a very nurturing thing for us.
“Do we really stop to allow ourselves to feel what is being shared with us about ourselves?” – this is a great reminder. Whether it is a compliment or some harsh words, there is more to be felt beyond words.
Absolutely- words can cover so much and present something in a total different light. We should never get blinded by words, but feeling energy all the time. If you don´t get fooled by words anymore, you truly live a multidimensional life.
What I am finding is that a compliment goes hand in hand with how we appreciate and confirm ourselves within the way in which we live each day. How we move, observe and read, gives us the space to really feel when a compliment is offered but also drink in the confirmation that we are all indeed the same and that each and every person we pass or connect with in our lives can offer us a moment to appreciate who we are but all others too. This is huge.
Appreciation is an extraordinary vehicle of evolution… It seems so ordinary, and yet it is extremely powerful… And it takes practice 🙂
I love that compliments are no longer a surprise for me. They are a confirmation of what I appreciate about myself, and also as you say Nicole, if it is something i have not yet seen or appreciated about myself, they offer the space to expand and evolve and to deepen.
When I considered the phenomenon of how many of us are so good at batting off compliments I realised that it may a throwback of the combination of the ‘humbleness’ we were taught was a virtue to be as good Christian and ‘the tall poppy syndrome’ of not wanting to be seen as standing out for fear of being cut down in some humiliating way.
I can relate to in the past being very uncomfortable with compliments and brushing them off as if they are not a part of me, or feeling I am unworthy. I realise the more I appreciate myself and what I bring I am able to accept compliments so much more, I like the taking time to really feel the compliment in my body, perhaps realising that this is something that I had not recognised within myself as yet.
True compliments are a confirmation of what already is, hence in truth it is impossible to deny them as they already are…
‘the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.’ I love this, it is really becoming aware of how we can take responsibility for the way we are with ourselves – and in that we deepen our self acceptance, honesty, transparency, and love in all our relationships.
It’s very revealing of where we are with ourselves and our sense of worth in how we receive or deflect a compliment. We are often more comfortable with criticising ourselves and receiving critique than lapping up complements and praise. And this is something that is ingrained in us from young – and what we then ingrain in our own young. We avoid and blanket down our grandness, because it is this, ironically, that makes us feel so uncomfortable.
It is truly weird to be on the end of giving out a heart-felt compliment to someone and they slide over it, essentially denying it, blocking it. Thank heavens I can read such a situation now, and lightly say to the person – ‘Did you get that,? Did you hear how wonderful you are?’
This is a great realisation Nicole – we sell ourselves short through believing we are lesser and unworthy of another’s appreciation – a marker in the fact that we do not actually have appreciation for ourselves.
“What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more”.
A brilliant blog Nicole exposing how we brush comments aside or go into a ‘mini story’ about it to divert the attention away from ourselves. Learning to accept a compliment and say ‘thank you’ when it is given is something I have been practicing as well, and bringing a daily practice of appreciation into our lives supports us to accept ourselves and to let go of any judgments we can hold towards ourselves.
This article brings a great point and for me it exposes a program almost that we run. When you look at things, some can appear more difficult to break then others and for me this is one. It’s not that it is more difficult truly it’s just that it’s possible there is a stronger momentum behind somethings more then others. I have found with ‘compliments’ or appreciation it takes a conscious practice to listen, really listen and we have set up a little program at home to support this where in place of letting people know what they are doing wrong we detail what we see or appreciate about them. At first it was an exercise that hit a thousand excuses of why it couldn’t be done, to tired, nothing to say, to busy, there is something else we need to do etc etc. So it took the continual daily practice of making set time to do this. It’s not a chore or anything like that because you consistently can sense how you feel after it and the giving and receiving of compliments or appreciation have been a huge support.
‘…the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.’ How our stories can got us off track! And how lovely it is to let in the compliment and explore this highlighted and valued area in you which you have not seen of yourself but now have a chance to appreciate more of who you are.
I used to judge and not appreciate myself and in those days I found it hard to accept compliments. Now I don’t have an issue with that. If it is a true compliment I take it on board either as a confirmation ie yes I know that is true about me or for something for me to bring greater awareness and appreciation to. If it is a false one said for some other reason (as people can also say what appear to be compliments as a form of put down) I note that too and discern where the person is at to have expressed in that manner.
Being able to accept compliments with appreciation feels amazing but when we reject or put down a compliment, to me this is a sign of rejecting how amazing we are.
Everything is either expansion or contraction in a world that is designed to only expand, so rejecting, dismissing or brushing off a compliment is a form of contraction when in truth the moment is an opportunity for both people to expand and thus expand the universe.
Learning to appreciate myself has made a big difference to how I am with myself and others. I would say I have a lot more understanding and am gentler with myself.
Such a turn around Nicole – brushing off compliments is a normality, but if we are doing that with ourselves, then how can we truly compliment another. I have found that the more I deeply accept compliments from others, the more I naturally appreciate others and am able to voice this.
So true your last line, we can not accept a compliment if we do not deeply appreciate ourselves.
I know in my early years receiving a compliment was very hard to acknowledge due to my low self worth back then, I know my self worth has grown some because i found my self saying a heart felt thank you the other day with a smile of appreciation, not just for the compliment offered and received but for me being me also.
I am finding it easier to accept compliments, the more I get to know and appreciate myself and my qualities. When this appreciation isn’t there it can feel like they just don’t know how awful you are or just haven’t seen what you aren’t so good at. I really like to accept compliments now as it is an offering like a gift from the other person.
I have noticed this as well and even reading the article I could see how much this is done. As is being said it’s all about not feeling what is there to be felt and you can do almost anything to stop this, the saying of something funny, witty, nice etc etc but I like the moment pause or stop to feel that is presented in this article and this makes sense. I have been dedicated to giving myself the space to feel things like this and how much this supports and now I feel more aware of it.
We can always go deeper with allowing ourselves to feel the appreciation from another. I noticed this the other night when I was complimented by a warm and gorgeous man. I accepted the compliment but only to a level I was comfortable with… there definitely was more he was seeing and recognising than what I was willing to accept.
It is a strange phenomenon that we are generally more comfortable talking about our struggles in life than expressing or accepting another expressing our true qualities. Such is the way we are taught from young which is completely upside down, for expressing true appreciation for each other is natural…
How little we accept and appreciate all that we are… thank God that another may bring this to us that we may confirm and appreciate our living quality for ourselves.
We seem to find it very easy to accept a criticism, but not a compliment. Therein lies the lesson for us all that our own view of ourselves is perhaps not the self-appreciation we deserve.
Even now I am doing it again – resisting a big compliment that was just beautifully given, moments before sitting down to answer this blog!I could have just bathed in the stupendousness of what was just witnessed and said, but I just wanted to move on. We are so used to not being permitted to acknowledge the awesomeness of ourselves (partly because deep down we know we are merely a vehicle of expression) that it makes us uncomfortable.
Using a compliment as a marker of whether or not you are appreciating yourself is a great idea! I’m doing an experiment where I try and catch all the little negative thoughts I get about myself and it’s fascinating, it’s making me appreciate who I am and enjoy who I am much more, but also it’s making me much more understanding of others.
How we are with compliments is dependant on how we are with ourselves, for example, if we are hard on ourselves, strive for perfectionism etc then it is a lot harder to actually accept compliments. The key to accepting compliments is the level of self-acceptance that we have.
Very true Elizabeth. I have noticed the gentler and more loving I am with myself the more at ease and open I am with compliments. I used to feel so uncomfortable with compliments and now I feel appreciative of them. This is because my relationship with myself has deepened and become more loving.
Personally I struggle with compliments… I get a little bit embarrassed and will try to duck it or deflect it. Its a weird dichotomy as at the same time I have spent a lifetime looking for recognition, to get people to notice me. Straightening both of these traits out has been a real eye opener for me and life makes alot more sense!
Beautiful Nicole that is exactly so for me too, the moment I feel not fullfilled within myself and someone else is complimenting me on those qualities I have not appreciated for myself in full I can react and brush it off even by movements! Interesting, even though its getting less the examples are getting more obvious which they are incredibly valuable to learn from and move on from – that is to appreciate my whole self every day more..
Yes accepting compliments can be a challenge sometimes, we can give compliments, but I find receiving them can be not so easy. So great to read over how you have become more accepting of them, really awesome to read.
That is true Susan and if we have a lack of self worth in us then we will feel the sting of the lack of genuineness behind the so-called compliment. What I have found, observing this reaction in me, is that it pays dividends to learn how to read where things are coming from. By building a way of living that does not ‘need’ the compliments there is an understanding and no reaction to what comes with the compliment. It may well be something they genuinely do appreciate about you and they may be unaware of the lacing of jealousy it comes with because they simply don’t recognise that they wish they had made similar choices themselves so they could be where you are, or look as you do. It never makes the lacing OK but it does bring more understanding and therefore I find it is easier to detach.
Who would have thought accepting and appreciating ourselves would not be something we just do, or just are without any activity at all?! I am sure we are full of ourselves as babies, so what kind of crazy world is it that we learn to doubt ourselves and have a lack of self worth as our normal – crazy crazy!!!
Thank you Nicole, this really resonates with me. It is also a reminder to express my appreciation and awareness of the blossoming beauty in others.
When I appreciate others I feel like a gardener with a very large watering can who is giving thirsty flowers a very big drink. People’s responses are immediate, their expansion is not only felt but visible in their bodies, it’s like you can see their bodies actually reconfiguring right in front of you.
When we fob off a compliment we are denying a quality we are expressing that is a reflection of heaven. Also, do we ever register that a compliment can come with someone trying to bring you down…. I know, it seems the absolute opposite but there is something in that moment we are reflecting that the other person may not want to see.
Do we focus on the compliments, the appreciation, or only on the criticism and the hardness? Being aware of what we give our focus to, without needing to go into the story of why, is how we start to shift things.
We find it so much easier to criticise ourselves than compliment ourselves. Many of us can’t even get a complimentary word about ourselves out of our mouths and yet our self negativity flows in great torrents. It goes for our thoughts about ourselves too. What on earth does this say about the state of our relationships with ourselves that in turn serve as the very foundation for our relationship with life and beyond?
Thank you for the reminder Nicole to stop and truly take in the compliment someone has offered. I like what you share “Its not the compliment I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.
It is very interesting how we can respond quickly to not feel what has been offered. I noticed this recently when another woman complimented me. I had obviously felt it and instead of allowing myself to feel it I quickly responded back to her justifying myself that she too deserved a compliment back. There are many ways I can reject a complement but even calling it out when I do allowing myself to feel the rejection is supporting me to deepen the acceptance and appreciation towards myself as I become more aware of those moments where I avoid evolution in my life.
We have a joke at work at the moment where if someone gives another a compliment and says something like ‘I like your top’ the person really exaggerates and says ”oh this old thing its really old and smells and has holes in it and I have had it for years’ because we picked up that is what people would do if given a compliment .. not in such detail but definitely saying ‘oh this old thing’, in other words brushing the compliment off. Which is great because as well as having a laugh it brings an awareness to what we do when someone gives us a compliment. Reflecting here though what I can see is that compliments are mostly given about someones appearance instead of the qualities they hold as a person and what they bring. I guess one step at a time .. when we start to finally accept compliments about our appearance the next step with naturally happen .. accepting compliments on the quality or attributes we bring.
I agree, most of us are more inclined to acknowledge a compliment if it is about an external item we are wearing or have, as then the focus is on something material. Give a compliment about someone’s qualities and what is deeply inspiring about them and that is a whole different ball game… what I find is it can stop people in their tracks, because sometimes it may be the first time they have ever heard that and there is a humbleness.
Compliments may come from different ‘places’ and may represent things in a range from absolute truths to wish to please another and be awarded a special place because of that (a sort of action seemingly aimed to confirm another one but that is truly to generate a movement of confirmation in the one who has issued the compliment). So, we have to be discerning what is behind it. In the first instance, we have to choose whether we want to make them part of our movements or not. In the second, it is simply fuel to keep playing the game of needs.
Building a foundation of constant appreciation not only backs us up with what comes up in life but also allows us to receive more of the volume of the universe, in whatever shape or form it presents in our lives.
I’ve noticed that the more I practice and express that appreciation, the more I see to appreciate in myslef and others, and the better I get at it. Very much a virtuous circle.
Beautifully said Francisco – and how true this is. Without a solid foundation of appreciation the volume of the universe cannot flow through us. Appreciation is all about allowing and saying yes to the flow of Divinity to come through our body.
I am finding it easier and easier to express the love and appreciation I feel for someone and it is beautiful to feel the healing that one’s own body receives in the process!
Accepting compliments can sometimes be harder for people to accept than criticism. Why is this so? Is it because we are so much more used to hearing negative feedback or we are so used to talking to ourselves with such negativity? My sense is that is a yes, which is very sad indeed.
I can so relate to your sharing of feeling uncomfortable with compliments and then finding ways to dismiss them. However, like you shared, I have started to clock this more too and when I receive a compliment not brush it off or turn the attention elsewhere. I find the more that I can appreciate what I bring the more natural this is for me.
So many of us yearn to be celebrated, and yearn for the compliment – and then when we get it we brush it off, dismiss it, belittle it. It is only when we have accepted the beauty within ourselves that we can actually let another express it to us, and really let it in.
From experience if you do not appreciate yourself you are not going to be able to truly accept another’s appreciation of you.
It’s a beautiful moment to offer someone a compliment and see them awaken to a quality that they didn’t realise they had.
Compliments simply bounce off the shield we have erected vainly to protect ourselves… let go of the shields, and the love can flow through us.
Thank you, Nicole, sharing with us – that we are not perfect, neither should we be or act like it , because it is unnatural on this plane of life. Secondly, what I sense from your writing is how great it is when we truly see who we are and what we are bringing to this place, to ourselves and environment and the beauty of our movements when we are connected. Thank you for sharing so honestly that receiving a compliment is actually a great process to open yourself up to true appreciation.. and so is it the greatest when we give it to ourselves. Accepting who we are in full way.. Space it is.
Yeah this is worth appreciating for sure! I’m finding that with practice I can begin to accept compliments…but I don’t get it right every time. A lot of the time my default reaction is to scrunch my face up in disbelief of what they are saying and then throw it back at them like they don’t know what they’re talking about. Like a cartoon character throwing a fireball at them. RIDICULOUS.! I’ll keep working on it.
I do like the little game you play Nicole as it is so important to stop and feel and to not dismiss any compliment or or words of appreciation but to take it in in its fullness and embody it so it is with us for the rest of our lives.
Once we realise that compliments (and everything else) are not personal but are an expression of what someone has appreciated within us that they also have within, we will stop shrinking away from them or reacting to them. It is simply a way of celebrating what is given from God and we do not own it.
Recently I got a compliment from a group of women and I very quickly brushed it off but they did not let me get away with it and I had to let it in. My body became more spacious and I felt how truly receiving a compliment made me more open and willing to see the qualities that are there.
For us to be able to really receive a compliment can sometimes be a challenge, so you approach to stop and really feel what it is someone has shared, is really great. It can take some practice, to really be open to what is on offer and shared.
I have also observed myself at times going into a “mini story,” when I am offered a compliment and not only is it holding the other person out of arm’s reach, but I find it also suddenly changes the feeling of the quality around us too in that instance, things feel flat like there is more we can explore in our connection. The greatest gift we have is to surrender to these compliments shared and really savour the moment to simply be. It’s amazing how the connection with that person then changes because you can feel the confirmation of the compliment in your body and then surrender to what is to be expressed thereafter. A compliment is then a confirmation of us all because they are appreciating something within you which is also within them too.
I relate to so much in this blog about receiving compliments, and after reading, I am going to make compliments my friend also and to fully feel and receive them instead of brushing them aside or going into a mini story…..!
To allow ourselves to truly acknowledge a compliment allows us space to appreciate ourselves and what we share with the world.
I have found lately that with some compliments, the compliment giver is waiting for something in return. It’s as though they want some sort of recognition for having given the compliment. There can be much more going on with compliments than an exchange of words and energetic discernment goes a long way. They are not always as nice as what the words may trick you into thinking.
I used to feel very uncomfortable when someone gave me a compliment because I was taught from a young age to dismiss them and to put the compliment down as a way of being polite and not to be too full of myself. Now I realise it was a strange way to receive a compliment by fighting and dismissing it. It has taken me years to undo what I have learnt and I have now re-learnt how to appreciate them and accept compliments with grace.
Accept compliments with grace, I like this expression, and also feels honouring of oneself.
How we receive a compliment is a clear marker of our relationship with ourselves in that moment.
The quality in which the compliment is delivered can make a huge difference in how it is received. Sometimes a compliment is given with an underlying tone of jealousy or comparison, and this we do feel even if we don’t actually clock it. When a compliment is truly given in celebration of you, it feels incredible, because you are truly seen for the beauty you are that emanates from within.
When we receive a compliment, which is an appreciation from another, it is interesting how often we do not stop to appreciate ourselves in that moment.
I recently was complimented by someone I did not know that particularly well. I felt what she had said. There was no jealousy, no imposing but an open and honest compliment and although I allowed myself to feel where it was coming from I could feel that I didn’t want to let it in and numbed myself reflecting to me that I do not accept in my body what the woman sees in me.
It is when we can truly accept a compliment that we are able to truly compliment another.
I think there can be a belief that to accept a compliment means you are somehow big-headed or arrogant, that it’s the polite thing to be self-depreciating but how silly is this – that we might think we need to express ourselves as lesser or undermine who we are in order to be ‘polite’.
What I have been really enjoying and committing to everyday is to write in a journal one thing I appreciate about myself even just something as simple as the way I speak or gave a customer their change at work. These little moments then start a chain reaction of movements that not only confirm who we are but we then begin to truly feel the appreciation from others as a confirmation too, which only builds a much stronger foundation that we had already started sowing. Appreciation is a beautiful movement for all.
Could it be that when we have accountability we have a humble appreciation so that when we get a compliment it is normal because we are in the true humbleness of who we are in essence?
Humbleness or should we say being truly humble comes with a divine connection, so there is also a decency and respect that is felt in our inner-most connection.
What I am learning to do is to compliment myself as well as to accept compliments from others. This makes receiving a compliment much more natural and normal for me.
“Why is it so hard to accept, really accept a compliment?” i accept a compliment but have always added a disclaimer – which not only dis-serves the one complimenting me, but detracts from accepting a compliment in full. We are not taught to accept this from young – certainly not in the UK – in case we get ‘too big for our boots’. Time to change this.
We have reduced our compliments and appreciation of each other as a society. If we did this more the world would be a totally different place. Makes me wonder why such simple ways of living have not been taught from young as just as important as learning your please and thank you’s.
True acceptance and appreciation of ourselves is the key to deeply connecting with another. A beautiful reminder Nicole to, with commitment and consistency, truly appreciate oneself.
You raise something I don’t always consider that in my ‘sometimes’ awkwardness around compliments I have not fully clocked that quality in me, and the only sneaky thing that comes in is that I now have to keep that quality up (ow), rather than just seeing it and acknowledging that I have chosen to live in a way that allows that, and that I am reflecting that quality because of this. There is something equally important here to consider we don’t own our qualities, not in the way we think. We choose to align and live in a way that allows those qualities to be expressed and we each bring a flavour to them, and every one of us then shows another and reminds another that they too have their own flavour too.
Yes indeed, accepting yourself is the ultimate compliment of all! Crazy we have got into a situation that accepting ourselves is not the norm, but the truth is justification is much more the norm, so your blog is a gift and a call!
Once we accept that we are a Son of God we naturally accept a compliment as we would a posy of flowers from a lover.
To see, accept and appreciate ourselves for who we truly are is the ultimate compliment. This also includes a compliment to God and the universal wisdom, as we are part of this entire whole. Just imagine appreciating graciously our next compliment of behalf of God.
So true Nicole, really accepting compliments is not something I find easy all the time. l’ve noticed a tendency still to water them down or deflect slightly. Symptomatic of holding myself to a higher ideal that I haven’t lived up to, and hence am not worthy of letting in the appreciation that’s been offered in that moment.
Appreciating ourselves is not something most of us do, we often see appreciating of others. But like you say it starts with self when we stop to appreciate ourselves we can then appreciate others in full. Accepting compliments is something I have been working on too for awhile and it really as supported me as I have allowed to appreciate myself more.
The more you appreciate yourself, and build up the love and care, the more compliments can be a confirmation of what you know and how gorgeous is it when you say to someone, you look great in that outifit, and they go, yes, thank you I do! It is rare and we need more of it….and as you say Nicole, when you dont agree, it is an opportunity to reflect on what is being presented to you and to build that appreciation more for yourself in that area.
Often it seems that when people give us compliments it’s our own pictures that we hold of ourselves that get in the way, and within an instant we reject what is being offered. This shows us that we are not in appreciation for ourselves enough, and expect others to feel the same about us – great reflection.
That is so true Brendan! I know that this has been one of the greatest lessons I have been learning in the last few years.
Accepting ourselves for who we are is the foundation of good mental health. It is really inspiring to hear your experience.
It’s hard to accept what another has seen if we have not felt it for ourselves. Nicole your game is a beautiful way to offer ourselves space to feel if there is truth in what another has shared, and if so stop and appreciated it ourselves.
So true Kim, we can feel and learn from others if there is a connection of Love.
This has been great to read as it really explains a lot of how we see yourselves. I shared some photos of myself as a teenager on the weekend with many friends on Facebook. Now, as an adult, my perception of myself back then was that I was a mess, constantly anxious, emotional etc but that is not what anyone else saw and I got many compliments. This bamboozled me for a bit and I didn’t except or appreciate the compliments much. However, when I looked at them again I could see that my essence was there and has been there my whole life, unaltered in any way regardless of what I chose. And that is something very beautiful to appreciate.
What a great experience – so often, we walk away from ourselves for a bit during adolescence. It took me a long time to re-find that spark in myself and I see this in others now. I am starting to wonder if the important part is to first not wander off! but secondly, to find our way back before too many coping behaviours have become embedded and hidden who we are in all our deliciousness from the world and ourselves.
True appreciation for ourselves allows us to take in the appreciation of others, which makes it a very enriching experience for all.
Reading this I got to feel how I still easily brush off a compliment someone gives me and not allow myself to completely feel, embody and appreciate what someone has said and how little I compliment or appreciate myself.
“for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, … is the ultimate compliment of all!” So true, Nicole, as this resolves the emptiness that we can spend our lives endeavouring to fill.
The appreciation of yourself and your day is extremely important, it’s how my day ends everyday, no exceptions. Doing this sets up the space for when someone else appreciates you or thanks you. It’s like because you have done it yourself you then allow it from another. It’s great to listen to the feedback of other people or the reflections of what they see and also be on the front foot and not waiting for it. The active, daily activity of appreciating some part or all of your day no matter how small it may seem is well worth the effort.
Wise advice, Ray. It is a beautifully confirming and building to appreciate oneself at the end of the day. I have not yet built it to a consistency so that it is ‘everyday, no exceptions’ though it is building. The more I have been developing this, so the more my appreciation and love of myself deepens.
Imagine if appreciation of self was encouraged and supported in our families, schools, workplaces and universities? I would say there would not be the push, drive and pressure that we see now for people to succeed and to get recognition for what they do.
This is all a choice, at the point enough is enough you called in the choice to either not go there again or to commit to something fully. The will to bring something into your everyday comes from truly feeling how things have been. If you haven’t felt all the way then this gap or hold out allows you to waver or allows the inconsistency of something you have felt supports or is true. We can trick ourselves to think we are going somewhere or getting to something when in fact everything is already here, we have it all. It is merely from our choices and how we move that then allows everything or just something. Live in parts and you will see only parts, live as full as you can and this too becomes your world.
Accepting that everything is already there not just intellectually but embodying it in everyday living is to surrender to oneself, which is an ever deepening process.
Sometimes compliments are laced with jealousy and/or a desire to manipulate and it is not very pleasant to feel, and I can see how I was totally gotten by that as I would go into reaction, so I was technically confirming the attack/manipulation by my own doing. I now understand how it is my responsibility to remain in the magnificence of what I am regardless of what others may say – good or bad.
Having a foundation of self-appreciation is super important as we don’t have to rely on others to confirm us as it is something already known and lived within our bodies.
I have never had trouble complimenting others, but now I am learning to utterly surrender to receiving a compliment. I know the compliment comes from the joy and appreciation of another’s heart who is one and equal with me.
‘Complimentary’ medicine is indeed a tonic for the soul, if we allow ourselves to swallow it – take it in, accept it.
Love it Victoria!
Why is it that we find accepting compliments so uncomfortable and want to immediately brush it off? Could it be something about not wanting to stand out -that if we’re complimented, suddenly we’re different in some way – standing out against the background we’ve tried to blend into. Accepting a compliment means accepting ourselves, first, and all that we bring and reflect.
A beautiful sharing Nicole reminding us to celebrate and appreciate all the qualities we bring – the more we clock this within ourselves the easier it becomes to receive and confirm our love with others
I would say I am not always choosing to ignore a quality another person sees in me but that I consider it something normal and natural, so why appreciate it. More and more I see how dismissive this is of the qualities I embody and how this stops any appreciation or acknowledgement of who I am. So I will have a closer look and change the way I am with receiving compliments.
Giving and sharing compliments is so confirming of oneself and others, which creates an environment of mutual love, support and harmony.
What is expressed here is truly significant. By not accepting and appreciating a compliment keeps us small and paves the way to victim mode. However, when we accept compliments we are getting confirmation of our grandness and in doing so supports us to have confidence in ourselves and the presence to not hold back from expressing truth in times of challenge.
Why is it that we are brought up to see compliments as a negative thing and yet when we hear someone genuinely compliment us we really do get why they would say those things, and yet for some reason we feel like we should not be pleased. Maybe if we complimented each other more it would become our normal to feel what has been communicated and accept it as a confirmation of what we are already feeling. The art of complimenting each other needs to be revived.
I am learning to compliment myself, that is deeply confirm and appreciate myself therefore it has gotten easier to now accept compliments from others. Compliments open us up to accept more of our glory as they confirm what is already known. It is therefore very beautiful to both give and receive a compliment.
To truly open up, accept, embrace and appreciate a compliment is very freeing. And, now that I am able to do that in a way I never could before , feels very ‘normal’! Having been brought up with the phrase ‘don’t get a big head’, it felt safer to reject any ‘attention’ directed at myself. But this also turned out to be great place to hide. So now when I receive compliment I know that embracing it is not about me, there is a much grander picture and beautiful reflection for all.
If we don’t accept a compliment we actually stop the flow of energy and block it. We actually reject what is being offered. If you think about it it feels awful when we give a compliment that is not accepted. It feels like we are being brushed off. So why would we want to act this way ourselves? To accept a compliment is to be gracious and is a chance to appreciate what is being offered and a chance to appreciate ourselves. it’s also a chance to appreciate the person offering the compliment. What a wasted opportunity if we block it and mumble something about the new lipstick instead!
Compliments are in fact a confirmation of that what we already bring but not allow ourselves to be aware off. Qualities we tend to brush of as ‘that is just me’ or ‘that is my normal behaviour’ is actually the most important what we bring to life and in appreciating and confirming that for ourselves we can let it grow and evolve into even more and takes away the basis for our striving to become better or to do more as we are already everything that is needed in this life.
It’s really crazy we often don’t see or acknowledge our own strengths, I was talking to a lady yesterday and she was so powerful, so real, honest and deeply caring you could literally imagine her changing every government and system in the world, but she was only aware of the tiniest speck of this amazingness. Why are we blind to our own magnificence?
Receiving a compliment can and does create an uncomfortableness in people. I know it has for me, many many times. However, the more that I have developed a deeper relationship with myself, the more I have been able to accept compliments. Why is that? I feel it is because when you feel that level of love within, the compliment is a confirmation of what you are already feeling about yourself, rather than someone offering you something you can’t feel.
Nicole, since reading your article a while ago I have noticed how my responses to compliments have changed, previously if someone said they liked what I was wearing I would say ‘it’s just a cheap dress’ and tell them how much it cost or where it was from, dismissing the compliment, nowadays I listen, feel what is being shared and more often than not agree and share why I too love my dress and how wonderful it makes me feel and so I am accepting and enjoying the compliment which feels lovely for me and the other person.
I can completely relate to the uncomfortableness that compliments bring up so I love the concept of them being a quality or strength that I have not taken the time to recognize and appreciate within myself…. In this way they are little reminders from the outside to embrace a part of ourselves that deserves to be celebrated and embodied.
Learning to confirm and appreciate ourselves is vital if we are to keep accepting the next steps that are presented to us. Without appreciation we cannot in truth move forward.
I was always taught to say thank you when someone gave a compliment but there was always an awkwardness in doing so, so I challenged myself to stand there and and really let another in and feel what it is that they have appreciated about me and appreciate that they took the time to share it.
When we let ourselves receive a compliment or appreciation it is a beautiful confirmation of the other also, as they have felt that within themselves so a mutual celebration.
Nicole I know exactly what you mean when you said
“At times it makes me feel a little awkward, uncomfortable, almost as if I am not deserving of that level of attention from another.”
I had a birthday recently and I was love bombed by someone I didn’t know that well and to be honest I am not used to that sort of our pouring of love and was at a loss of how to deal with it for the same reasons you have shared, it was the feeling of not deserving of that amount of love. This I feel was just reflecting back to me how little I love and appreciate myself so lots more self acceptance and self appreciation to work on. There is no end to the expansion of the expression we all are.
Accepting a compliment feels so yummy in my body and expressing a compliment feels equally gorgeous. I am just feeling how much more I could bring this into my day. Thank you.
Thank you, any compliments I get today I shall let myself really take in and appreciate and like wise I will express more deeply my appreciation of others and allow them space to receive it.
It is interesting to watch when someone else dodges the compliments that you give them, it is then that you can see what it looks like from the other end, which I witnessed a couple of days ago, when I gave someone a compliment, they immediately glossed over it and turned into this silly, awkward person doing this funny little thing. So I just held myself, and said, your avoiding feeling what I just said to you, and they stopped and then proceeded to do it again, so I said, just accept that it is true and that you are worthy of it. They actually paused, felt it but immediately went back into making some sort of joke. This I could so relate to as I used to do the same thing. Now I accept the appreciation and just say thank-you with grace.
Since I began to truly value myself I am really enjoying compliments. I still notice that I slightly ‘duck’ energetically speaking in case there is anyone around hearing the compliment and they get jealous.So I am becoming far more aware of this limiting movement and learning to expand.
Accepting ourselves and where we are is a very humbling thing.
Sometimes, compliments appear as a disturbance to our regular way of relating to ourselves. In those cases, ignoring it right away is easy. Yet, we should stop and ask: does the fact that I dismiss it so easily say something about myself right now? What am I doing? Do we have a stop moment? Or do we simply carry on? If the latter, we are totally taken by our ill-being.
“but do we really stop to allow ourselves to feel what is being shared with us about ourselves?” No – if I am honest. I am okay with the stuff that is not love, but when someone shares something about me that is loving I generally haven’t registered that in myself. I’m too quick to focus on what’s not loving about me so to speak.
This is very cool ‘the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.’ mmmm how often do we ignore something amazing about ourselves and brush it to one side or dismiss it? I went through a period years ago where I was really aware of how when first seeing someone I would say quite a lot ‘oh I love that top on you’, or ‘I love your hair’ or ‘that dress really suits you’ but on reflection and looking deeper into this it was not necessarily that I loved that item of clothing on that person, more I could feel the care they had taken or how it made them feel …. this connection with themselves was the beauty not the item! Also it was a give-a-way of instead of allowing myself to just be around another person I felt I had to say something in order to make them feel good and keep or start the conversation on a superficial level.
For me being able to accept a compliment gracefully has always been about how comfortable I am about being ‘seen’ and this is gradually changing and I am losing my hang-ups about being seen as ‘big-headed’ if I acknowledge what another is recognising in me.
I was surprised the other day when a client told me that she finds me inspiring and it has encouraged her to commit to working on her issues. I am appreciating now that I did not dismiss this compliment (as I would have done until fairly recently) as it feels important for her to have my acceptance role modelled and we then discussed how important it is for her to appreciate how well she is doing and the progress she is making.
Compliments are a way for people to tell us that they love who we are and that they are being inspired by us. There is a responsibility in accepting this, for we are acknowledging that they are feeling that same spark within themselves that will inspire them to be more. A compliment is a confirmation. Accepting this is then asking what’s next.
Confirming and appreciating ourselves and the choices we have made that have got us to where we are is just something we are not taught to do, but… it’s never too late to start appreciating. And how can we accept other people’s appreciation, or know our next step if we do not first appreciate the steps we have just taken?
If accepting the beauty of who we are when it is reflected back to us is a struggle, there is deeper to go with self-acceptance. In my own recent musings on this topic, I’ve discovered lack of self-worth is at the root of lack of self-acceptance, aided and abetted by a dollop of self-loathing. Sounds extreme or harsh? Maybe so, but if I’m honest, that’s where it ends up. Accepting the wholeness, the ‘enough-ness’ and magnificence of who we are is the key… going deeper with our love of and appreciation for ourselves.
I had a work colleague come and stop me the other day and share what they felt I bring to the workplace. They said that I am like the glue that brings everyone together and that my presence in the workplace just makes things better, that it adds another layer to things and unites people and they are made to feel valued. It nearly blew my socks off as I wasn’t expecting it from this person and it was beautiful to receive yet I can feel I also didn’t let the comment in, in full. I was like really? In this I can also feel that it stopped the person’s expression short as they felt my response so it made me realise that we do not just accept ourselves more and in this, this is how we accept and confirm others too.
Very pertinent point, the way we can tend to deflect a genuine and heart-felt compliment, especially when it touches on a point we have not as yet recognised and appreciated in ourselves as a reflection of (our) divinity.
Genuine complements from another can be felt clearly in the body and are a great confirmation of what we are already appreciating about ourselves or the reflection of there being more to accept and appreciate.
“..I say, ‘Thank you’, allowing my body to feel what has been said”.
Accepting a compliment is confirming us in the truth of who we are.
“it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” I had in the past found compliments hard to accept not wanting people to see me, I would go into justification of some sorts. These days through accepting more of me I am finding the joy and appreciation of the compliment offered, a beautiful shared experience.
Nicole, this is great to read, ‘when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.’ this is really interesting, I can feel reading this how I brush off compliments and almost get embarrassed, like you I’m going to stop and feel what another is seeing in me and not brush off what is being shared.
Lately I have been receiving a heap of compliments and it has been interesting for me to notice how touched I am feeling by this outpouring from someone’s heart, and instead of not believing them, or demurring, I can wholeheartedly accept this appreciation. Very different from the past.
Lyndy thank you for your comment. I was noticing the difficulty I still have in hearing and accepting compliments and I read: “how touched I am feeling by this outpouring from someone’s heart”. This unlocked for me the past hurt of feeling the lack of sincerity in compliments, but I saw that it is not all like that. After a few sobs and tears, I can now feel my heart open again.
Let those compliments roll!
Yes often truly accepting compliments can be difficult and in fact it reminds us of what we may not be willing to fully accept and see in us; but it can also be that we are being asked to really embrace and embody what we naturally are, and to shine with it, not shy away from it. And it says another has seen you, and it asks us to celebrate and confirm the love we are with another; why not do this, and if at times we can’t rather than brush it aside, be honest about what we feel without dismissing what is offered but feeling the invite to be and live who we are, the love we are, and understand that each of us show something beautiful and unique to the world.
How true it is that if we are forever confirming our own amazingness and quality of love with appreciation and acceptance, another compliment is but a celebration of their own connection to the Love that they equally are and their acknowledgement of their own amazingness.
We can grow and glow when we give or receive real compliments! Compliments can be very supportive in the sense of confirming who we are and this in turn supports us to build further the foundation for further growth. The process is glow, and grow…glow and grow! (sounds like a glow worm!).
Choosing to ignore a confirmation of the quality we hold is holding ourselves back from living this amazingness that we truly are.
The more we confirm and appreciate ourselves and our own amazing qualities the easier it becomes to fully receive and enjoy compliments from others.
What a great thing to consider – do I see the quality within myself that another is complementing me on? Is it a confirmation of what I already feel is true?
One thing I have noticed is, now that birthday messages are shared on Facebook, and even before hand I noticed that everyone treated you with love on your birthday, and it felt great all day receiving this love but then the next day go on as if there isn’t the same. Wouldn’t it be great if we all showered and appreciated everyone every day, because there is so much about a person that is worth celebrating.
It’s interesting how so many of us crave and seek attention and recognition, but when it’s given as a compliment we don’t know what to do with it. We want to be seen and be loved – first, perhaps, by ourselves.
We don’t stop enough to appreciate the compliments we receive, it is so important to self appreciate only then we can appreciate compliments from others and give compliments to others. It’s a whole process which must start with self.
If every step we take is an opportunity to confirm who we are and all the strength, awesomeness and beauty we are and we fully embraced this opportunity, surely there would be no room left for self doubt or self criticism at the end of the week!
Is it possible that we avoid receiving compliments, an act of love confirming who we are and our Soulful movements, so that we avoid the responsibility of living our Soulfulness with more consistency?
Just last Sunday I told another woman that she looked stunning and I really appreciated the ease with which she replied “thank you” and the way she looked at me – I could say ‘she was full of herself’ and in doing so I acknowledge that to be truly full of oneself is a beautiful quality of stillness and grace and not at all the overexcited and indulgent stance we have come to associate that phrase with.
I have a running banter with my brother in law each time he offers a compliment I reply ” I know”. The first time he stood amused but a bit shock as he was taken back with the level of self confirmation I had made part of my way of living. Now days as soon as a compliment arrives he replies… ‘I’m only sharing what you already know.” It is the powerful work of Serge Benhayon that has allowed me to work on developing a foundation that brings more appreciation and love to each moment that in turn is felt by other and knowingly affirmed by me!
Well said. And perhaps the person giving the compliment doesn’t recognise it as light, but feels compelled to comment on your hair, clothes or another attribute.
I think a lot of people can relate to what you say here, myself included. I’ve been working on it but occasionally do myself a serious disservice by passing the compliment off or giving an excuse. A recent one I remember is when someone commented on a suit I was wearing – I completely downplayed it only to think about it later and realise that hey, perhaps it was the guy in the suit that made it look so special.
Lately I have been receiving a lot of lovely compliments and it has allowed me to see that when we begin to accept and love ourselves more and more the way we live offers a reflection to others. This reflection then makes space for compliments to flow and I feel that is a very beautiful thing to appreciate not only for how we live but for others to be inspired by that too. Compliments are a great confirmation of our quality and that in turn offers a reflection to truly appreciate everyday.
I was talking to some women the other day about compliments and how they feel about them. A lot of what I got back was that is is an age and confidence thing. So it was great to have the discussion about self worth and how a compliment can confirm us rather than be something we shy away from.
Today I had to really be still inside myself when someone was telling me how compassionate I am. His eyes started to water as he told me and I could feel that I had a responsibility to accept his compliment because in accepting his complement I received him in full.
Very beautiful Elizabeth and I agree in full that we do have a responsibility in accepting compliments as it not only is a confirmation of a loving movement lived and shared, but also is a marker for us of the responsibility we hold, to live with this quality more consistently.
My relationship with compliments has completely changed over the past few years and reading your blog Nicole I can feel a deep appreciation for the fact that no longer do I dismiss them but to the contrary feel and enjoy the fullness and the confirmation they bring.
I too understand how a compliment can be confirming and not something I run from. I am only able to accept a compliment if i accept myself first – and then it doesn’t feel foreign and something to shy away from.
I had a moment the other day when I felt so much appreciation and beauty within for myself, and a group of young men commented on how beautiful I was (‘wow, she is beautiful’). Because I could feel the truth of this compliment within I happily accepted it and genuinely thank them for it. If we feel the truth within then we enjoin in the appreciation.
Thank you Nicole, you are an incredible woman and writer so I’m sure you’ve had plenty of practice at accepting compliments now. I appreciate the reminder to simply stop and feel when something makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
Compliments are like a breath of the divine inside us all, because when we take a moment to truly inhale what has been shared, we can then appreciate and reflect the love back. What a great gift compliments are and how amazing it is to share them with others.
I am learning to stop and let myself feel the appreciation that comes my way and that can be in various ways, not always as a direct compliment but in a gift or an offer I don’t expect. And it is lovely to feel the love that is behind these gestures. A kind of the magic of every day life.
I feel that the pattern of brushing aside compliments is also stemming from our tendency to say compliments to another from our head in total emptiness that means nothing to the other person unless it is expressed from the heart. The other person feels that and does not take it in because it was said with emptiness anyway. It is completely different receiving a compliment from the heart rather than the head. When from the heart it feels like we are truly seen and met regardless of what we do. When from the head it feels like just another tick box, being seen and approved from the other for what we have done and perhaps said because the other thinks they should say something or wants to express more but is shy to truly open up and express all they feel in their hearts to express.
‘So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!’ I love how I am able to accept compliments now and to confirm them openly and how this appreciation creates such spaciousness and also allows others to see how giving compliments can be.
Beautiful Nicole. Appreciation is our doorway to heaven..
I really responded to this line about compliments” I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” There is often such a discomfort in me, as if I need to get away from the situation as if it’s uncomfortable – yet it’s only a compliment! I’ve recently been aware of how I can squirm with being adored, or to feel like I’m shining in front of others. But actually it’s a beautiful experience to be complimented and let it in from the heart. It’s learning to stop and feel, and not squirm, dismiss or run! 🙂
Like with anything in life it is important to discern the situation. Discerning if the compliment has a clear intention or are we declining ourselves proper appreciation of ourselves?
Self Appreciation is the way to go, simply if we can not appreciate ourselves then we can not appreciate others.
When I value and appreciate myself for my own qualities and embody it, any compliments that come my way are just a confirmation of what I already live and know so well within me. Thank you!
Yes maybe the key to accepting compliments from others is complimenting ourselves more.
I agree with Liane- that if we don’t fully accept a compliment we have not been living in full appreciation of our Godliness. When we do feel how amazing we are, we also can feel how everyone else is equally this too.
Compliments are a confirmation of all that we are, as seen and appreciated by another and thus acknowledged verbally back to us. If they take us by surprise, as most compliments often do, then it shows the degree to which we are not accepting and appreciating ourselves. With no true acceptance at this level we are not truly accepting the greatness we are from, for the moment we do, we go deeper in our expression of this greatness and the deeper we go, the less self we feel because we start to express from the universal wisdom within us that we can never own. Thus, in this sense, lack of acceptance is an unwillingness to evolve. That is, it is a resistance to return to the one true and Soul-full light we are from.
Well said Liane thank you “Thus, in this sense, lack of acceptance is an unwillingness to evolve. That is, it is a resistance to return to the one true and Soul-full light we are from.” Compliments then to me in this sense can be a new opportunity to surrender to what we all already are.
Some great observations Nicole, what can also happen is that when we are given a compliment and then instantly go into a dismissal and run with thoughts of feeling guilty or thinking we could have done better, and that the compliments are ill founded – in a way finding reasons why the person is wrong. To stand and feel the compliment and see it as a confirmation is so rich, that both the giver and the receiver can feel the magic of appreciation.
‘When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see.’ A great practise and one that supports everyone to feel the truth of what is being shared.
It’s great when you get compliments even though I have cringed sometimes because I have felt a bit uncomfortable, not perhaps appreciating what another has appreciated in me. But it’s still great.
Hear hear to stopping the mini-story around compliments and actually taking the time to connect to what is on offer. You have my full support 🙂 Keep up the amazing work!
This is a great blog as it has reminded me of how people can react when they give a compliment as well. I recently noticed how a friend of mine received a compliment on how she looked great in her outfit and replied “always” with such authority. The reaction from the person was shock. Is this showing us that when we offer a compliment is it offered in truth to confirm another?
Mmmmm… I have not considered this “I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself’ I don’t – now that’s not a bad thing so to speak, but something I can work on and bring. I’m far too quick to focus the negative, what is not loving, which really in the grans scheme of things are tiny tiny little things, like a grain of sand, when I am a vast mountain. So I need to work on this, as I feel many of us do, to focus and appreciate just how amazing we are and all the incredible magic that happens around us, partly because of us, everyday, and all the qualities we bring. So today I am going to start focussing on what is love and appreciate this. Even writing this makes me feel more joyful. So could there be something in that?
Recently I received a really beautiful compliment and it really shocked me. There I was thinking I dragged around with me a whole heap of childhood discontent, seriousness and baggage when actually someone sees through that and feels my lightness. This got me to feeling how I hold onto this baggage when there is no need (other than to not appreciate myself) and to feel how I’ve carried a hurt which I’ve put on myself – my not appreciating and letting my lightness shine through. The baggage can be dropped and the lightness can shine through and heal those wounds.
Lately in fact just this morning I have not been receiving compliments like ‘your hair looks nice’ or ‘great dress’ but things people have been saying about me have practically blown my socks off! The expression has been so deep, so loving, so beautifull and so sincere it has left me a bit dumfounded with a little part of me going ‘really, you are saying all this amazing stuff and this is what you see about me?’ It has made me stop, appreciate and value the people I have in my life but also with a very dear friend helped me to see just how little time I give myself to deeply connect, feel and appreciate who I truly am and what I bring to others. I am not as dismissive of myself as I used to be but still have a bit of a way to go with this. This morning was quite a healing morning for me and one that I can definitely feel has touched me and something within my body is unfolding from. What you have shared here is something I feel is important to all women and girls … in fact everyone boys and men too in not to dismiss compliments when we are given them but instead to embrace and definitely appreciate ourselves, who we are, what we bring much more than we currently do.
I can feel as I read the first sentence that I do not feel worthy of a complement, I have a deep appreciation of what I bring but part of me does not have self-worth so I can start to deepen in this area of my life so that I can allow myself to be more. More to me is an ability to allow the feeling of connection or re-connection to my inner essence, stillness within, that quiet place that I knew as a child that held wonderment, which is my soul re-connecting so that I feel all of me without any doubts.
“do we really stop to allow ourselves to feel what is being shared with us about ourselves?” This got me wondering about currently how I accept or reject compliments. In one particular relationship theres a hurt that plays out that instantly assumes that the compliment is false or comes with an underlying expectation or wanting something from me. Even writing that sounds exhausting to constantly be under the belief that a compliment cannot be true, which then I ask, how genuine do I feel my own compliments towards myself are and even more to the point – do I appreciate that I can and do now compliment myself rather than constant self-criticism which has over time reduced so much! Every relationship comes back to the one we have with ourselves. Thank you Nicole.
Great question Leigh, ‘how genuine do I feel my own compliments towards myself are?’
I really get this part about not allowing yourself to appreciate what another can see is worth loving in you. I catch myself resisting this love often, like an auto-reaction I simply push it away. But sitting with your blog now I can see how there is a pride that says – I do not need another person’s love because I can do it all on my own. And I can see how arrogant this truly is, because we are all vital to the greatness of love, each one of us has a part to be in, including me. This takes away the individuality of being loved, and lets love in simply because it is there to be expressed for everyone, be it through a compliment or whatever, love is here.
If we are reflecting a true quality then often when someone expresses appreciation for it they are not only appreciating us, but that quality which is within them too. Therefore, it is very churlish to not accept the compliment for we are dismissing them as much as we are dismissing ourselves.
I used to not accept any compliments. Now I am much more appreciative of myself and what I bring and often notice the difference I make to someone. It is amazing to be someone who used to loath myself so much to now being more free of that to be able to actually appreciate myself.
Self-appreciation is a game changer for me as I can feel the difference in my posture. Thank you MW I am aware that I have still have some areas in my life that I can fully appreciate.
I like the explanation I heard from Serge Benhayon that a compliment can be heard and responded to in a degrading way, or a confirming way. I recently gave someone I know a compliment and they actually responded by degrading themselves and me by insulting me, they clocked it straight away and called it for what is was, but it is remarkable how difficult it can be to hear something lovely about ourselves.
I play this game with compliments too – taking a moment to say ‘Thank You’ and then feel what it reflects back to me. Often what I find is that it exposes an age-old momentum of self-deprecation and this itself is rooted in old religious affiliations that breed unworthiness. What I see now is it is my ‘job’ to change the foundation I am working from, to one that is aligned with truth and the absolute worthiness that I and we, all originate from.
I love what you’ve shared here Nicole, that a compliment offers us a moment of reflection – are we receptive to it? Does it reflect all that we are? And essentially, what is our relationship with appreciation of ourselves in the first place?
Our brushing off of compliments (I’ve known this one well also!) speaks of a deeper ill – that we have been living void of a foundation in self-love and self-worth, a foundation that allows us to also truly appreciate and hold others in love also. Our world and relationship are offered tremendous potential for change and true upliftment, if we actually bring such reflection and true appreciation into our our own lives.
How is it, that true self-appreciation and self-knowledge is so lacking in our societies today? You’ve touched beautifully Nicole, upon a disease that is so endemic and normalised, that we fail to see its impact upon our entire lives.
Compliments as a true reflection of a quality that another has recognised in us – that feels very supportive and well worth taking a few moments to reflect upon.
When we appreciate ourselves it becomes natural to accept and appreciate a compliment when offered in truth. Something I am gradually finding easier to do on both accounts,
I wonder if, as women, we tend to dispel or deflect compliments because we are afraid to stand up and be seen as beautiful as we are for the jealousy and the comparison this can bring.
There is no greater source of support to the body then making appreciation part of the daily routine. Shower, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, cook dinner, APPRECIATE SELF and go to bed.
It sounds absolutely crazy that we avoid receiving compliments that are truly expressed from the heart with love. These are the greatest gifts to receive and one would think that with all the recognition in life we tend to seek for things that a compliment would be the icing on the cake. It shows that recognition is liked because it meets us half way so to speak and not for who we truly are which a true loving compliment does. This sort of compliment pulls us up to be more, and perhaps flies in the face of a resistance we may have to feeling let alone embracing the natural beauty we have inside.
A woman gave me a compliment recently and I felt I bumbled around a little after, like I went into almost putting myself down in a strange way. What was interesting was when I saw this lady again the other day she brought up our conversation again, she said that she had shared it with her husband because she was so inspired by my confidence. Not what I was expecting to hear for all I remembered was not truly expecting the compliment in depth. It started with a compliment about my swimmers, the part of the conversation she was referring to is when she said to me “You have an amazing body” I answered with “I know”. There was more to it than that of course, I was explaining that the mirrors in shops can be unflattering and so I don’t like bikini shopping but what shocked her was the “I know” part. I am sharing this because I am learning slowly that I have actually gotten better at accepting compliments, is there room to grow, always, but it made my appreciate how far I have come already in this area.
That is so true Nicole, how often we have put ourselves less and pretend this mini story! Ouch.. And how even this play is normal and part of our day to day life; as we brush off that which can actually grow us. Interesting really.. Why do we do that? I think this blog gives us a good overview of why we do.
There is an alchemy in accepting a compliment in a true and graceful way , that allows the energy of the expression to flow, and to continue flowing.
Isn’t it funny that others can see and feel pretty much everything that we are but rarely do we live that everything. Appreciation is gold here because it allows us to accept that we are that everything.
I had not realised how much I dismiss compliments until recently when I was quite shocked by how uncomfortable I felt by a series of compliments as what was being shared was something that I had not fully appreciated in myself (despite having kidded myself that I had). It is interesting how easy we find it to see qualities in another which we simply can’t fully embrace in ourselves.
I have also noticed how often we brush off a compliment. Perhaps we don’t want to stand out from the crowd or be seen as bigheaded. WE may also not want anyone else to feel less and keep ourselves small so we don’t rock anyone’s boat. Either way I can feel the enormity of the societal norm to not really accept a compliment. I also wonder if a genuinely expressed compliment makes us feel vulnerable, a moment when we can feel we are actually being seen for who we are. Perhaps we fear letting this out more than anything, just in case it is rejected again as it most often was when we were kids.
It actually hurts when the response to a compliment we may have given another gets dismissed or denied by them. A sadness can be felt that the person being complimented cannot see or let themselves see the beautiful truth of themselves. Feeling this makes me more aware that this is what it is like for others when we deny or dismiss a compliment they have given to us. Time to open up and accept and embrace these fully for the treasure they are.
“in fact, the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.”. This is a great point Nicole, when we are not appreciating ourselves for being the ‘us’ nobody else can possibly be it is easy to dismiss what others see and say as we have already dismissed ourselves.
Complimenting and appreciating ourselves can be extremely difficult. I know for me it isn’t something that is part of my every day, it is more so than it has ever before, but it is still a conscious choice to remind myself to do.
I am inspired by your ‘little game’ of accepting compliments and letting them be felt. I shall also undertake this experiment.
Hello Nicole and I agree. I remember in the past people trying to give me compliments or just simply talking about what I had done. I would change the subject or talk over them, virtually do anything to take attention away from what they were saying, in a nice way of course. This has all long since changed and accepting what others are saying has become more apart of my life. It’s not just centred around the compliments but around everything they say. I am willing to listen to them more, to hear them out without thinking or speaking while they are talking. I feel like this has given me the space to listen to people no matter what they are saying or who they are speaking about. So compliments and receiving them is just an extension of what I do whenever I am chatting to someone, I listen and receive and then respond.
To appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, is key, because without appreciation I cannot accept another’s compliment as the confirmation – we need both bricks AND mortar to continue to build.
I have often struggled to accept compliments but what you have shared Nicole holds such wisdom. Stop and pause before going into response or thoughts – breaking old patterns and claiming more of who you are – beautiful Nicole.
I have noticed recently my response on a compliment has changed, from brushing it off to accepting, feeling the confirmation in my body and enjoying how amazing it feels to truly let it in what has been said and appreciate the connection between me and myself plus me and another.
Compliments can be a real reflection of our relationship to ourselves – have we let our own love in to ourselves on the aspect of our being that is being complimented?
It’s funny. I feel so strong and claimed and joyful and yet yesterday when someone said quite loudly in front of a number of people, referring to my photo in a book called ‘The Joy of Ageing’, that I was a superstar to look like that at my age. I found myself almost ducking my head as if something bad was going to land on me! It was a lovely thing for this person to say and I enjoyed hearing it, and yet I realised that I must be used to copping flack from others around when I am complimented. It was a very interesting thing to observe.
I have come to know, from my own experience, and that of others that many people struggle to accept a compliment and yesterday this was totally confirmed when I was with a group of women. We began to discuss this very issue and nearly every single one shared that they find it easy to give a compliment, but accepting one is often very challenging. After exploring why this is the case the consensus was that we react this way simply because we are carrying so many beliefs about not being ‘good’ enough which has led to low self esteem, and low self worth, and therefore we feel that we don’t actually deserve the compliment that we are being offered. This was an eye opener for many but it offered them an awareness to take away with them, and the possibility that the next compliment will able to be received with the love that it comes with.
It is true we are all amazing!
Love this blog and your simple but amazingly true message that compliments could and should be one of our best friends.
Gorgeous Nicole, you are so right! Spot on: ” in fact, the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.”
From now on, we can see a compliment in our lives simply as a growth and or confirmation of who we are.
For those of us who struggle to accept a compliment this is the best advice ever. “I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see. I say, ‘Thank you’, allowing my body to feel what has been said.”; what a beautifully deep honouring and appreciation of you, and of the person paying the compliment.
It’s interesting to observe how I am with compliments depending on how I am with myself in any given moment. The more connected I am with myself the easier it is to accept and feel compliments simply as a confirmation of what I am feeling within myself. When I am not as connected, I notice the compliment is harder to take in.
It is hard to believe how different it feels to be able to accept a compliment and to feel that what the person is saying is confirming without having any embarrassment – there is no excitement or feeling like we have to over thank the person or indeed reciprocate, it is just a truth.
Accepting who we really are and the utter magnificence of that is very hard when we are caught up in judging ourselves for behaviours and patterns that are not us at all. Accepting a compliment is accepting that we are more than the false image we may have of our self.
We are so conditioned from a very young age to think that being ’full of yourself‘, ‘she loves herself’, ‘they think they are so great’ is a bad thing, as those terms were and still are often used as put downs. But if we truly consider it, being full of who you are, in the fullness of the light of your Soul, well really what could be greater than that? It is time to being to the re-turn to the true meaning of the terms ‘I am being full of myself’, ‘I love myself’, ’I am great’. We then will being to appreciate the confirmations received through another, as they recognise the light being claimed and expressed is the same light within us all, and this is who we all really are in essence. No more pretending that we are less, we are ‘all that’ and it’s time to start re-claiming it.
I love genuine compliments, not because I need them but because when someone shares what they appreciate about me I know that they can only do this because they are seeing those same qualities in themselves.
I love that Vicky! It is very true the more you are able to appreciate yourself the more you are able to appreciate others and what they bring and express.
In accepting our greatness, we can’t then choose to live lesser than who are; hence why we at times deny or reject the confirmation of who we are through another.
‘In accepting our greatness, we can’t then choose to live lesser than we are’ I love this, something for me to observe and feel the next time I am given a compliment.
I love the banner for this website particularly as it was the biggest and brightest full moon yesterday since we have had for 70 years! When we brush off a compliment it is just exposing the relationship with ourselves and how we ‘brush ourselves off’ so to speak. This is something I have been really aware of in the last few weeks which is great because if I am more aware of it, to me it means it will be easier to heal because I now know it is there! During a recent session with a Universal Medicine practitioner I got to understand more about appreciation, something clicked within my body during the session in a way I could understand it. What I could feel was instead of being dismissive if I stopped and allowed myself to truly stop, feel and appreciate that changes and choices I have made in my life that have supported me and my evolution, instead of allowing a dismissive energy in, it bring in confirmation to the body in which a steady platform can be built to be more love, care and expression in the world. This is still very much work in progress but I can tangibly feel the difference this will make already.
A sure sign that I haven’t accepted a compliment is when I then reply by offering a compliment back. In truth, the greatest compliment that I can give is a full acceptance and embodiment of the compliment that they have just given me.
My resistance to a compliment is often my resistance to the ‘stop and space’ that a compliment offers.
There is a level of responsibility that is involved once we accept who we truly are, as it is no longer about self and what is going to make our life better but it is for the good of all where the quality of my being has an effect on all those around me at all times.
I feel that in that appreciation we so avoid, we find enormous responsibility for the effects we have on others
I love your exploration of how you feel about and what it means to receive compliments. There is so much more to life and how we live than we allow us to see.
I love what you share about compliments and how we can start to truly appreciate and accept them as the confirmation of our quality that they in truth are.
It is a lovely feeling when someone accepts your compliment without justification or excuses.
It can be equally confronting for the complimentor when the compliment is received with agreement.
Accepting who we truly are is the key to accepting compliments from others and complimenting ourselves. I love how when you receive a compliment Nicole you stop, say thank you, surrender and allow your body to feel what has been said.
In order to truly appreciate who we really are, we first need to let go of who we truly are not. While this may sound simple, and in-truth it is, the difficulty lays in the fact that we have become deeply enmeshed in a way of living that does not support the unfolding of our true selves and thus we have become identified by the many false parameters that are called to dissolve when we receive genuine and heart felt confirmation of who we truly are.
Beautiful Nicole… “that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!” This completely knocks on the head the old nugget we have lived by that this means you are ‘up yourself’ or ‘full of yourself’. While the latter is actually true, it is not considered a complimentary thing to say of someone, usually referring to someone who big-notes themselves to be better than another. True appreciation of oneself brings the exact opposite… a filling up of yourself in love, and a consequent ability to see others in the same light… bringing an equality, rather than a sense of being better than another.
Learning to appreciate ourselves is one of the keys to truly evolving. Without it we are stuck.
Reading you blog has me pondering on how little we do actually compliment or appreciate each other, I might make it a new marker in my day – have I verbally expressed my appreciation for the people around me today?
I had a meal with friends yesterday and it was such a beautiful reflection of the lack of true appreciation I still hold for myself as during the conversation I was given various confirmations and my reaction was ‘yes but I need to….’. I am still so caught up in the belief that I need to do in order to be enough and yet I know that when I just am I feel absolutely enough.
Reading this today reminded me of accepting support and accepting that one needs support and not being ‘big’ and feeling that we have to do it all, or saying no to an offer because we think we would be putting the other person out in some way.
Yep. I love the shrug it off game, the justification game. Pointless. I too have been experimenting with the acceptance of compliments…and some times I’m better at it than others…but it’s always very interesting to feel why I do it…why I feel I need to make an excuse for why I am a certain way.
To me, when I fully appreciate what a compliment is offering to me, I cannot else say other than that it is food for Soul, to assist me in returning to Soul, a way of being I have stepped away from a long time ago.
I have often felt shallowness/falseness in ‘compliments’ being exchanged, particularly between women. Sometimes they come with jealousy and I am not surprised how it can be difficult for us to take them in. We could certainly do with more of expressing our genuine appreciation of each other.
Compliments complement us and the person who spoke them when they are truly felt and received, when they are not, each are left a little less.
Beautifully said Nicole, I know learning to appreciate myself has been key to allowing and accepting compliments from others. Because there are so many women with self-worth issues, the more we acknowledge and confirm our qualities and amazingness everyday the more this supports and inspires others to also claim what they bring.
Lack of Appreciation for life, self and others should be considered an ill condition – how can there be any joy in life if there is no appreciation for it?
This has been playing out a lot with myself recently as rather than accept a compliment I actually dismiss it, play small, make myself less to avoid feeling and accepting the power within me as I would rather continue in my comfortable life where I am not seen than claim that I am indeed an amazing beautiful woman.
It is so common for us to brush off a compliment or down play it, dismiss etc etc. I have decided recently that I need to be able to appreciate myself – but truly the essence and quality of me, I have been doing this for a while and I certainly can feel a difference and can accept a compliment more than say a few years ago. But there is a depth to this acceptance that I know I am not near; that I am still in shallow waters and there is so much more to appreciate.
Confirmation supports the level of appreciation that we build our foundation on. I have noticed that as soon as I confirm the compliments to myself I add to the quality in which I live and the choices that I make.
Like everything a compliment needs to be felt and not just heard. A true compliment leaves everyone feeling equal.
Recently someone described me as pretty and I found myself slightly confused and not knowing what they meant. I know what beautiful is but pretty? Somehow it felt diminutive. I didn’t know that i wanted to be called pretty. When I looked it in the dictionary it said “pleasing or appealing in a delicate or graceful way” hmmm, maybe I didn’t mind being called pretty after all! But actually what did this person mean when he said this? I know that that day I was feeling fragile and I was not hiding this. It would seem that that is what he picked up on. I know I was also being gentle and caring, he would have felt this too. So on reflection I realise I can still easily react to a perceived judgement and not appreciate the love that I am and know how this is received and also appreciated in turn.
When I stop and feel what it is like to receive a compliment, I realize that deep down I do not feel worthy of it.
That is how I have lived my life, moving fast so I do not have to feel. But if I choose not to feel I miss out on all the good feelings.
Simple-Living Global and Universal Medicine has supported me to get in touch with these feelings I do not want to feel and this has allowed me to feel the Incredible support of receiving a compliment.
These moments of receiving are so wonderful they actually allow me to just surrender, feel the support that has always been there and just be me.
Introducing that pause when someone does pay you a compliment is gold… just allowing it to be for a moment with no smart comeback. What a huge difference a bit of space can make to us feeling ALL of us.
I paid a compliment to my hairdresser the other day on her amazing attention to detail and how she worked with such precision each time she gave me a haircut. She was overwhelmed with the compliment and I realised that I presumed she would be able to handle it not understanding that giving others the space to take a moment and sit with what was shared is just as important.
Compliments offered in a quality of love and transparency are beautiful to receive and an opportunity to practice deep appreciation for the giver and for ourselves.
I have noticed there is a big difference to how I take care of myself and the motivation is for others, and when I do something loving for myself, perhaps my hair or how I dress, and it’s totally for me. This really also changes how I respond to compliments. Doing things for others creates a feeling of waiting for or expecting a compliment, but doing things for myself creates a deep connection within me which doesn’t feel like it needs any confirmation from the outer world. If a compliment comes I am already all I need to be because of my connection.
The ultimate acceptance: we are all the Sons of God, made of the same essence as He is, equal to him, an equal part of the universe, made of the same particles like everything else, being one with everything. That is the final marker to expose what holds against such absoluteness and keeps us from accepting ourselves in full.
I have often been afraid to accept compliments and would brush it off as a fleeting comment not realising that this was a moment to stop and truly appreciate. I have now become aware that comments are powerful examples of how we all live our lives for others to learn, take stock and an opportunity to bring change and quality of living.
Quite a few times now people have mentioned a ‘sweetness’ that I can express. So I sat here and pondered, asking myself ‘how does that sweetness feel?’ and the warmth brought tears to my eyes. It’s one thing to express our love that feels very natural and no big deal, but to feel and confirm it feels very special and I appreciate coming back to read this blog. Thank you Nicole.
YES – denial of self is denial of everything. That’s why we should always connect to our essential being (love, in one’s inner-heart) and from there on life…
Compliment shares etymology with complement. Accepting a compliment is also accepting that we complement each other. When someone compliments us, we are offered a view that brings us a bit closer to the whole compared to the parts we choose to see. We are not always comfortable with moving toward the whole. That is why, we not always let the compliment in.
Since reading this blog a while ago I have been noticing my responses to compliments and consciously choosing to feel the quality that has been felt by another. When something is said that I find difficult to feel I know that is something to sit with and truly let in.
Just the other day I had a very frank and open conversation with one of the directors of my company and he expressed himself very eloquently of his appreciation for me and how he sees me fitting into the company, and in the past I would have been embarrassed and shrugged it off but this moment was a great confirmation for me as I had no problem accepting the compliment and his words of appreciation.
Only today I complimented someone for her smile and how it lights up her whole face. She said to me, really, oh that’s nice, then she said, “I find it hard to accept compliments”. And I said, yes, why do we find it so hard to accept an aspect of ourselves that someone appreciates?
How beautifully exposing of the difficulties we have in simply accepting a compliment – I have often found myself trying to say the right thing and feeling awkward rather than being in simple acceptance and saying ‘thank you’.
As I appreciate myself more and more I am finding compliments easier to accept and see them as a confirmation of what I feel about myself on the inside. To be without the need for them is a very liberating thing!
A true compliment confirms the Divinity that we all are – and never leaves anyone as more or less.
Thank you Nicole for sharing how we can build appreciation for ourselves and how important it is to receive the reflection another offers us, of how amazing we are. Appreciation is the key for us to confirm the Love we are in essence, as this Love is then magnified through our bodies, as we surrender more and more to being moved by the grace of Love.
Compliments are a beautiful moment to stop and appreciate the amazingness of who we are. Thank you Nicole.
‘So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!’ Dulling down or reducing who we are is seen as normal, and yet, it is so far from normal; and as you have said Nicole – allowing others to see and note our amazingness is great for us all. It makes no sense to pretend to be anything less.
I have always enjoyed giving and receiving compliments. however I have noticed that I would often play it down when a compliment was given to me and also that many others do the same.
Thanks Nicole, I think this is good to be aware of and to get more comfortble with. Accepting the parts of ourselves that are truly amazing.
I have also noticed how I can depreciate myself. A person gives me a compliment and whether or not I say anything, a voice is already saying ‘yes, but …’ and listing all the ways in which or occasions when this was not true. It is an insidious undermining of me. So, Nicole I love your solution to simply pause and allow yourself to feel the quality another sees in oneself, and appreciate it for the gift and opportunity to embrace, confirm the reflection a true compliment offers.
It seems that when another stops to compliment us that in that moment they are feeling appreciation and sometimes it may be expressed as the clothes or a perfume we are wearing – I like what you have written here Nicole about stopping and feeling what the compliment feels like in the body as often we can feel more than just the words that are spoken.
It is interesting the stories we go into to justify why we can not accept a compliment. I love the way you took it deeper Nicole and recognised that the compliments were in areas of your life where you had not accepted your amazingness and what you bring. When we dismiss a compliment we are not only dismissing ourselves but the person who offered the compliment.
Accepting compliments is a beautiful confirmation of who we are and the truth we bring. Something I am myself just truly beginning to understand.
It is beautiful to accept a compliment as it is confirming us in the truth of who we are.
I am slowly learning to feel and accept two things when I receive a compliment; firstly to stop and really appreciate what has been offered to me and secondly to compliment and appreciate all that I divinely offer to humanity.
If we cannot accept our own love and appreciation of our own magnificence, there is no way we are going to accept the acknowledgment of such from another.
It makes me wonder how often we truly complement ourselves – not in words, but in moving and holding ourselves in a way that is in appreciation for all that we bring.
I also struggled with accepting compliments and had a great little habit down pat of humorously deflecting them away to merit someone else instead. These days after a lot of working through my low self-worth issues with Serge Benhayon and other Universal Medicine practitioners I willingly accept compliments, I agree with them and I even quietly dish them up to myself at times I notice my greatness in action.
A true compliment is a gift from the divine as it is deeply confirming of what we already know.
It is true that if we don’t appreciate ourselves we find it hard to believe any compliments we get. It seems vital that we bring appreciation of ourselves and appreciation of the quality we bring, into our lives. It is a good exercise to consider and appreciate each compliment as it comes, to really test out our new found appreciation of ourselves and to see how we are going with it.
Isn’t that the beauty with people – that we can help each other out in finding our way back home again, knowing we are purely divine and awesome.
you know, compliments and the Big Sister, appreciation, which of course go hand-in-hand, are quite extraordinary to start to incorporate in one’s life. Giving compliments is extraordinarily refreshing to people in a world where complaints are at the bottom line… Allowing compliments to be felt inside one is incredible for one’s self-worth, and of course appreciation is a great foundation for self love.
Quite amazing really that what we crave, as in a compliment for example, we then reject, belittle and brush off. Is it because we haven’t met what is coming towards us with the same level of self-appreciation from within?
I received the most beautiful compliment today from a friend and it was so confirming and beautiful to receive. It makes such a difference when we actually express how we feel towards another.
It is actually irresponsible to not feel and let in the compliment of another because by brushing it to the side and in some cases even ignoring it we are also not letting the other feel our love and appreciation of them either which is a signal telling them such an expression of a compliment is actually not OK when in fact it very much is.
The mini-story! It stops us so much from gracefully receiving the compliment and for a moment of appreciation. Great to expose it.
I find it is easier to accept a true compliment when I have already ‘clocked’ for myself that which is being complimented on. This has been a change in myself over the years as I have gone through the process of appreciating and valuing all that I am and bring.
Not accepting a compliment from another equals we are not complementing ourselves and appreciating our own qualities nor our potential.
Rejecting a true compliment is rejecting oneself and the other, it is rejecting intimacy and relationship – is denying the truth.
Obviously, a lack of self-worth will make it difficult to receive a compliment and simply enjoy it. What seems to be even more prevalent is that we hold a picture of ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily be negative or self-critical, although that is often the case, but just the fact of holding an image is enough to not be who we simply are. And when a compliment is not matching the picture we will tend to reject it even when it actually appreciates an aspect of who we truly are, something we long for as we know it to be true and want to be who we are. When image free there would be no need to brush off a compliment, we would just know if it confirms something we are and know to be or not.
The “ultimate compliment” is to truly appreciate ourselves and celebrate this with us and the world. To be all of me in the world without any holding back is a return to evolution in progress.
I often feel a compliment is another way to open up a deeper connection, but in these times we just can’t say ‘ hey can we have a chat,there is something about you I would like to discover’. So to brush off a compliment is to reject the connection being offered.
What I sense when I tend to talk over a given compliment quickly is that it is something the other recognises in me that I have not appreciated in myself first. Therefore I am a little embarrassed with this fact and try to not show the other that I did not recognise the same for myself already. Compared to when I am complimented on something I have already appreciated in myself and know I am good at. Then my response is completely different there is a recognition and in fact a confirmation of something that I already have accepted and celebrated for myself first. My answer then is something like this, ‘thank you, I know and appreciate that I am really good at it’.
Compliments need to be a confirmation of what we already know and have appreciated about our self. If this is not the case then this exposes that we are not appreciating and confirming our self to the degree we need to.
I agree marylouisemyers. The uncomfortable feeling or the playing down of the compliment reminds us that there is still room to build appreciation.
It’s very interesting how we often shy away from compliments and find it hard to accept, while we desperately seek recognition and approval. To me, this exposes how we do not want to claim our own grandness – which then would call for grander responsibility.
Compliments are sometimes difficult to accept and in the past I have often just shrugged them off, now when accepting the compliment I am accepting someone’s appreciation, and by accepting it I am also appreciating them too.
Compliments and appreciation go hand in hand, when we accept compliments we are able to go deep with appreciation for self. Appreciation allows true expression and deepens confidence.
Many of us including me don’t even hear the compliments that are offered, such is our ability to deny appreciation.
Last year I went to a school to talk with a year seven class about body image. I asked them to get into groups of four and say what they appreciated about each other. The girls were blown out at what other girls appreciated in them as they had never before been nor expressed appreciation for each other. How is it that we live in a world where girls do not share there appreciation of each other? They all loved it and wanted to do more which is to be expected as they felt seen and respected by their friends, when normally they feel criticised and judged. Imagine if we started the school day this way every morning.
The more we bring our innermost into our natural outermost expression, the steadiness of this connection brings a bodily confidence that deeply acknowledges true confirmation.
Compliments are fascinating and richly revealing, there is so much we can learn about each other both through the expression of a compliment and the receiver of one – today I see it as a brilliant opportunity to observe the deflections, the body language, reading what is happening on an energetic level.
What really strikes me as I read your blog Nicole is that I do not acknowledge and appreciate myself, although of late I have been making a more concerted effort in this regard. Sharing your experiences and your wisdom is a great reminder to self appreciate and “stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more”.
Great sharing Nicole. I have recently realised that my blocks to self appreciating and living the fullness of me are about self protection. As a child I was not accepted in that fullness of my true essence, and to avoid a repeat of that hurt I’ve shut myself down to being in full connection with myself. It of course hurts more to live in disconnection everyday, yet that past hurt is still quite powerful and raw. I know that as I take responsibility to heal this past experience I’ll be able to stop living in reaction to that hurt and more easily live in full connection to myself again.
What this article betrays is how little self worth we actually carry as a society. It is no wonder that we are so enamoured with success in its various forms as being the antidote to misery, when in truth it is our own ability to accept and surrender that is at the heart of our true resurrection.
I used to find compliments awkward too because as I was growing up I saw adults around me dismiss compliments and play it down, so I followed suit. After reading your blog I totally agree Nicole, ‘for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!’ this is brilliant. I am now learning to stop, take a moment to feel and accept a compliment instead of brushing it off or feeling awkward. This makes such a huge difference to how I feel about compliments, I now appreciate them and find them very confirming.
I often found that as soon as someone brought up a compliment or appreciation about me, I would swiftly change the subject and brush over it. I am working on giving myself space to listen and hear what they have to say.
I love the moments when a compliment comes and I can openly accept is as a confirmation of what I have appreciated in myself.
Recently I was working with a group of teenagers and asked them all to pair up and say what they appreciated in the other, afterwords we discussed what this felt like and most said it felt easy to express the compliment but not easy to receive it. How is it most of us in society grow up not accepting and appreciating ourselves?
You deliver a great lesson here Nicole. It is one thing to champion our outer complexion but to hold the focus on the quality of who we are on the inside is a different type of appreciation altogether. The latter for most is much harder to accept. Not because the other person is stuttering when speaking the compliment but because we don’t appreciate it within ourselves equally or more.
It has been good to read this and to appreciate that when people give me a compliment I am willing to accept it without feeling embarrassed, or feeling like I have to justify with things like ‘Oh, it’s the make up’ or ‘I’ve just had my hair cut’, instead I just say thank you.
Thank you Nicole – compliments are important to accept, and I think a lot of us can relate to what you described as a discomfort in receiving compliments! Possibly this could come from a ‘tall poppy syndrome?’ of not wanting to stand out and be different? Or of not being comfortable for being singled out for taking extra care of oneself?
And then there is also what I would call two types of compliments – those that are genuine and then those that are not genuine but are actually coming from jealousy. This is also important to feel – is it really a true compliment or is someone using the guise of a compliment to communicate that they are upset because you have reflected something to them that they do not want to be reminded of. The ‘oh you look nice’ but delivered with a fake smile…gives me shivers when I feel this, but at the same time my understanding is to not let this dampen you, not let it get to you and certainly not let it stop you from shining your light.
Beautiful Nicole, this is a great article, I can very much relate to this, ‘I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’ I can feel how if someone compliments me that I often think that they have made a mistake or just don’t know me very well and so I brush off the compliment rather than stop and feel what is being shared. Great for me to ponder on this.
More and more I am realising how much we need to appreciate ourselves and the beauty that abounds – and even the slightly bitter tasting lessons from which we learn and expand more fully into ourselves. Compliments are small reminders of the what we need to appreciate – once something is firmly in our lives we can easily take it for granted or focus on the not so good stuff that requires attention.
It’s beautiful how supportive a compliment can be – helping us to see or appreciate on a deeper level something about ourselves that then helps us to bring it out more in life…
I received a compliment a few days ago and I recognised the same old pattern emerging where I thanked the persons, but then commented that something was not quite right about the style. Again I too did not feel completely at ease accepting this compliment, due to a lack of acceptance of myself and my value as a person.
I was sharing the qualities I loved about a colleague at work yesterday and was later approached by another on how much she enjoyed listening to the qualities I shared about this person. Her words ‘it wasn’t a compliment it was more like a statement of what this lady knew she already was”. I stood a bit confused and then realised that she was sharing that I was confirming this women and her ability to embrace the words was because she already knew this about herself and how this impacted other peoples lives.
If we feel this way about ourselves, then how can we truly compliment and appreciate others? It must then come from acknowledging them for what they do but not for who they truly are.
This hit the nail on the head for me Nicole – ‘I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.’ My homework is to do just that – recognise and accept within myself my qualities and strengths.
Love this piece- it’s a great reminder to come back to – that it’s about me accepting and appreciating myself, who I am and what I bring first and foremost.
The truth we most avoid is the truth about ourselves.
It felt to me as though we can only truly accept and appreciate a compliment when we have built a certain level of self-worth and self-appreciation; if not, it literally falls on deaf ears and we try to negate it or make excuses.
Awesome blog Nicole. I didn’t realise until reading your blog again how I don’t usually allow myself to feel and appreciate compliments I receive. I can totally relate to brushing it off quickly and sometimes even feeling awkward. But now, I am learning to allow myself to feel what is shared, to appreciate it, to just let it flow, simply be myself and accept the compliments.
Reading this blog this morning reminded me that I had received a compliment yesterday and I said thank you and instead of brushing it off with my mind I actually realised now that I knew what she was saying was true because I had felt it myself a few moments earlier – lovely confirmation.
It is so good to come back to this blog and kind of assess if I have improved in the receiving a compliment department and the verdict is …. Still needs more work although I feel I have improved.
I love your last sentence Nicole, ‘ the ultimate compliment is to truly see and accept myself for who I am ‘ and with this appreciate and this naturally extends out to others.
A true compliment, graciously received is a confirmation of the beauty we know ourselves to be.
This is a fresh way to look at compliments – to really see that someone else may see something in us that we have not appreciated for ourselves. This then allows the opportunity for us to really feel this. I recently had this experience with people commenting on how i look after giving birth – but I had not fully stopped to appreciate the amazing way my body has handled pregnancy and post pregnancy. I really sat with this and acknowledged the incredible workings of my body, and in doing so, when people compliment me, I can see this as a confirmation of what I already know in my body.
I absolutely agree Nicole, seeing ourselves for who we truly are is the ultimate compliment. It is within ourselves that our consistency of appreciation can become so seamless within our everyday lives that any pull to separate from that truth weakens to the point of simply not becoming an option.
“I am all that which another sees in me and more” – such a beautiful phrase Nicole. I caught myself the other day when someone said they loved me, and I was being very cute and naturally funny the other day being coy. Then I realised that when I am just myself then anther person is feeling that they can also be themselves too. But also the greatest compliment we can give another is to accept the compliment that they are giving us, because they are seeing and feeling this within themselves.
Often compliments catch us by surprise and this in itself is a clear indication of the degree to which we do not appreciate who we truly are and the gifts that we bring. Furthermore, we cannot appreciate another if we are first not appreciating ourselves. And by not appreciating each other, we allow comparison to take root and the force of jealousy to enter, so not only are we trying to turn down our own light, we are also trying to have another turn down their own.
Negating is the sure way to offset appreciation – a little game we play with ourselves so that we can keep playing small in order to not live the true magnificence we are.
‘So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!’
Coming to truly appreciate ourselves is the greatest gift,
This is a pretty necessary topic for discussion Nicole! I amongst so many others are so quick to shut compliments down. More recently as I have been practicing appreciating myself, I’ve noticed how ridiculous it is when I hear other people making excuses or justifying the compliment etc, all these strategies to avoid accepting that they are amazing. It’s like the more I appreciate myself, the more I am able to see how crazy it is that I’ve rejected myself for so long, and that others are doing it all the time.
‘…I go into an explanation of why I may look good, or why my hair is incredibly amazing on that day..’ Boy oh boy am I guilty of this. I can’t handle the comment, so I make excuses, to dumb the whole thing down, or rather play me down to avoid any further attention. Nuts!
Yes as you say Nicole making compliments our friends rather than our foes, brings us back to the true inspiration and growth on offer from an appreciation of who we are. Awesome.
Thanks Nicole, this article brings to my attention the importance of self appreciation and a real and honest love and caring for who we are. Also what we bring or are capable of bringing to the world as if we don’t allow that appreciation and acceptance of ourselves we can find it hard to accept gracefully the compliments and appreciation of others. I have also done pretty much the same thing many times when given a compliment, so understand the importance of claiming our awesomeness and giving ourselves a hug, pat on the back or compliment regularly.
I sometimes find it awkward when a friend says ‘I love you, you’re so amazing’ and I find myself wondering ‘Why?’. What on earth could people find that is so amazing about me? I know I can do amazing things, but that’s not what they are talking about, it’s a quality they see in me that, as you say, Nicole, I haven’t taken time to appreciate in myself. I’m finding the Our Cycles App very useful in helping me recognise and appreciate of the qualities that are naturally in me, or I have allowed to evolve, but maybe I could gently ask out loud the question ‘Why?’ so that people have an opportunity to express exactly what it is they are appreciating and I can then take time to feel it and appreciate it for myself.
I have to say that I can handle a compliment now much better than in the past. You would imagine that it is a completely lovely and wonderful gift to be given, and yet we dodge them, ignore them, give a fake compliment back and do all manner of things. Now I can allow myself to listen to a compliment, feel if it is genuine and say ‘thank you’. And I also give compliments more freely without fear of rejection.
I have in the past found compliments hard to handle, partly because I have wanted to hide and a compliment lets me know someone has seen me. I recently received a compliment about the brightness of my face, it was lovely to receive but it took me by surprise realising how little attention I give my beautiful face. I recently bought myself some lovely face cream, and then tucked it away in the drawer, time to take it out and bring more love and appreciation to my face in its emanation of my inner light.
We are not currently taught to truly and deeply appreciate ourselves, that is why I feel it is hard for most to accept a compliment. As you have said …. ‘I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.’
It is so True that compliments get so easily brushed of. As they are allowing us to see something we chose to not see, I feel it is that which we don’t like to feel, we made the choice to not be in our amazingness. Allowing a compliment to be felt, can be a blessing as it allows us to feel that which we denied.
Yes who would have thought that appreciation of ourselves would be a cornerstone for self-development/evolution, indeed without it we cannot grow, cannot have fulfilled relationships even, and most definitely not connect with who we truly are.
I have been observing recently what happens when I pay someone a compliment and appreciate something about them. It is almost as if they cannot see in themselves what I see. In these moments it reflects back to me how much more there is for us to appreciate about ourselves, which then naturally expands what is already there to be lived shared.
I have really just started to accept compliments, I still catch myself doubting the compliments now and again. What I have noticed is the more I appreciate the more open and connected I feel and there is a sense of allowing.
Accepting ourselves for who we truly are ought to be very simple yet we like to complicate things and make it difficult for ourselves. The only one who gets in our way of accepting ourselves is ourselves.
It could be said that appreciation is a dying art and if we don’t appreciate the act of appreciation itself we loose the understanding of what it can bring into our everyday lives. It belongs everywhere in the classroom, the workplace, home, at the park and on the road. Being in an environment where people are appreciated allows for people to bring so much more of themselves.
To not appreciate ourselves is to deny that we are first amazing beings just by our very existence. Only when I understand that it is my choice not to accept this can I feel the lack of responsibility in this choice.
Great sharing Nicole. A small offering like a compliment can bring up many areas where I have not fully claimed who I am and appreciated what I bring to the world.
This is well worth trying. I know when someone sees something in me that I don’t see, I have started to stop and ask myself why I don’t see or feel that for myself. It is such a gift and I can either end up agreeing or disagreeing but the process is a great healing in itself.
Most people don’t do well with compliments. It’s interesting being on both sides of the giving and receiving compliments. It highlights a couple of things for me. One is that we really do love people otherwise why would we give compliments? The other thing is that we need to be learning about how important it is to appreciate ourselves, not just our skills and abilities but the qualities that we offer another – and that we all have in endless quantities. They are often the things that we don’t see in ourselves. I know recently I have really had to bring myself to a stop because of what I had not been observing (and therefore appreciating) in what I do offer to others but also the opportunities that have come my way and how much I have grown as a person in the last few years. Landing on the doorstep (so to speak) of Universal Medicine has been such a blessing in my life and brought me so much, that there is much to appreciate about the choices I now make in life. I am seeing to that this simple action of appreciation is life changing in itself.
In feeling appreciation of me from another recently I realised that I had accepted what they had said and simply stayed in that feeling when previously I would have felt awkward and diverted the conversation or played down what was said – in this shared moment I began to feel the allowance and acceptance of appreciation of myself.
Living in constant appreciation of who I am just for the simplest of things has made it easier for me to receive a compliment from another as it is just a confirmation of what I already know and is being reflected to the world.
You know what? It seems society is so used to hearing that response to down play oneself after a compliment that it can be quite a novelty for the complement to fall on an accepting body rather than be thrown back at them with a few dismissive words!!
Aaah the mini-story when given a compliment….it is always ready to go with a hundred trillion variations. “oh this old thing” “I only paid $XX for this” “no this is a hand-me-down” etc….. The mini-story is used so so so much to avoid receiving the compliment. I am starting to call out more and more and more the mini-story with other people and most times when I do that, a moment is created for the person to be aware of the story and often says thank you and then takes on the compliment. GO cutting out the mini-story!
Are compliments so hard to accept because for most of us we spend our lives with a negative running commentary in our heads, and so when someone gives us a compliment, it goes against everything we have allowed ourselves to feel about ourselves.
I have also noticed how easy it can be to brush off a compliment, as though it were a nuisance – and what does that really say about how we regard ourselves? Are we actually saying that we have not deserved it or that the other person has got it wrong? And yet again, what does that say about our level of self worth?
I am discovering the most profound compliments are those where I choose to change a way of being because I have felt a deepening connection to my love. Having lived feeling embarrassed when complimented, to now freely giving these profound compliments to myself, daily is remarkable. Your last sentence Nicole says it all.
Nicole, I like this approach to feel and see how you are with compliments and understand that when we brush them aside it is us not wanting to feel and see and more deeply connect with ourselves. I will be playing with my reactions to compliments a little differently going forward.
I agree that when we don’t live in the appreciation of ourselves it can then be hard to accept a compliment. It’s important to honour what another has shared and felt when they give you a compliment.
Recognising the amazingness of who we are is something very few of us do well. We miss that opportunity each and every day, and so we need to build our appreciation muscles, and get them working out every day.
A compliment for me can be the simplest, simplest of acts. Just taking care as I get into the car or..whatever..because in any of these acts I am taking the moment to value myself – which is a compliment. It seems to me that there are two stages to this. It is glorious to do these little actions throughout the day, but then there is a second layer which is to accept them as a compliment rather than just an act of self-care; then it becomes gold. I hope this makes sense because the difference is clear to me and reflects what this blog is saying. Acceptance of a compliment is a divine medicine.
i always thought that `i received compliments quite well. Now `i realize that i also often go into a mini story and justification. Thank you for your great insight to why we do this. `i am asking myself right now, `’why do `i have to explain or justify looking and feeling great and what is it about looking and feeling great that `i do not accept in me”?
As you say Nicole, we first need to compliment and appreciate ourselves otherwise it is very hard to accept compliments from another. The more I appreciate myself the less I worry about things and vice versa. By appreciating myself I also build a stronger platform and confirm where I am at so I have something to go back to which is a great support as well.
When I am complimented I would use it as an opening to express all my unexpressed ideas and amazing happenings. Like where I found the amazing coat, or what ingredient I had felt to put into the meal I was making that was so perfect, I suppose I am a bit overjoyed and often bubbling to share, but It’s in the stillness of those moments that we actually accept, honour and deepen our appreciation of our own amazingness and the allowing of it to be our chosen expression.
A compliment for me was always an opening for justifying why, how, when and what. I feel in that there was a element of perfectionism and I have to say I could see how I was down the track to build upon it. But that never allowed me the ‘stop’ to ‘appreciate’ and feel in that moment.
Yes it is the ultimate opportunity to see how deep the relationship is with ourselves when we receive a compliment. If I am having a hard time appreciating myself it so stands out when I receive a compliment because I can in that moment feel myself resisting it! So it is an amazing way to deepen and say ‘oh I need to appreciate and value myself a little more.’
So important – this is the key to more self-worth. A key to come back to our value – once we give it to ourselves first – so we allow ourselves to be love and be loved, and so do we let love in in many ways.. no longer holding crunchy the tension inside of our body – as there is no longer a holding back of true love.
Yet we all seek recognition and acceptance.. so how can receiving a complement be so hard?! It shows that recognition is not really someone seeing us for who we truly are necessarily. Yet with a true compliment we cannot but feel who we truly are.
Not accepting compliments is a form of protection. If another sees something in us and we don’t accept it, we are essentially keeping that person out, not wanting the transparency of intimacy and wanting to keep ourselves separate.
I find it much easier to accept a compliment when it is something I am aware of. If I feel amazing then I can accept it. But when it’s something I’ve not clocked about myself or have realised I am, I find I am taken aback by the compliment. Whilst I may say thank you, within I feel as though the person got it wrong. It is quite exposing as to how I feel about myself.
By avoiding compliments perhaps we are avoiding having to acknowledge our natural abilities, the incredible knowledge we hold, and the vitality, beauty and joy we are, and therefore do not need to take responsibility for living the truth of ourselves.
A compliment is always an opportunity to look at ourselves and feel the awesomeness we are.
It feels like this attitude to compliments could be part of our cultural upbringing. I know in my family adults were sparing with compliments directly to another person (but would say lovely things about them). This came from a family culture of not wanting to spoil a person, lest compliments make them ‘big-headed’. Looked at with hindsight it makes no sense to me at all, and supports an attitude of self-criticism.
Since first reading this blog I have been aware of my responses/reactions to compliments. Sometimes I feel amazing and yes, the compliment is felt as a confirmation of this feeling. Other times I am very dismissive with an internal ‘yeah yeah’ response which translates to ‘that is very nice of you to say and makes me feel good but you obviously aren’t seeing all the other bits’. Of course I don’t actually say that, but nor do I let the compliment in. I’m realising this is how I talk to myself all the time if left unchecked. I’ll be feeling great in most of my life but discount that, and focus on the areas where I struggle. By focussing on fixing the areas of struggle I’m not appreciating and building what is great. So thank you Nicole, your blog has helped unravel an insidious and self-limiting behaviour of mine.
I can very much relate to this article and it comes with very good advice, stop and really allow yourself to feel the compliment and the awesomeness we all have within
We are often harder on ourselves than anyone else can ever be. No wonder we struggle to let in something so simple as a compliment.
I recognize everything you share in how I too have received compliments in the past, mostly brushing them aside… you invite me and us all to really stop, acknowledge it, feel it and embrace it, as someone is showing us something beautiful about ourselves that perhaps we haven’t yet seen in ourselves – and so a compliment can be seen as a magical moment of a perfect constellation.
I know the “mini story,” Nicole very well too, but what I now see is these little stories we go into when we are given a compliment is really just another way for us to delay from feeling the absolute truth and love shared from appreciations and compliments that are shared. When we stop, connect and feel from our bodies it re-calibrates our way of being and this leaves plenty of space for us to really recognise the true power of appreciation.
“So I have been playing a little ‘game’ with myself. When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see. I say, ‘Thank you’, allowing my body to feel what has been said.” This is a great game Nicole one I’m going to start playing.
Nicole on re-reading this blog I realise that I can be dismissive of compliments when it is about something I have not fully appreciated in myself too. It is an automatic response. So today I am going to stop and feel if a compliment comes my way.
I have felt unable to totally accept some compliments offered to me recently and I realise that I am avoiding truly claiming these qualities all of the time and thus living them and being the great reflection I could be and naturally am.
Have you noticed how when we appreciate another, even when it is not vocal, the other person can always feel it. This always reminds me of how connected we all are.
Pondering why I have found accepting a compliment difficult while in contrast I would easily take a criticism personally has been revealing. I realised that I did not appreciate myself. Instead there was deep down self-loathing resulting in striving to be more, doing things out of duty instead of pleasure or true purpose and life being a struggle and not joyful. However, since developing self-love and self-appreciation through the support of Universal Medicine and the Ageless Wisdom I now find accepting a compliment so much easier to accept and a joy because now instead of loathing myself, I love myself.
I’ve noticed my ability to accept a compliment or not is based on my feelings of self worth at that time. So therefore the deeper I go with the appreciation for myself the easier it is.
I used to feel uncomfortable when someone gave me a compliment and I would get embarrassed, but not now because I can feel it as a confirmation of what I already know and have felt for myself.
“I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.” – Nicole I can definitely relate to this, and while I am so much more open to receiving compliments than I was in the past, I found it super supportive to read your article so I can bring my acceptance of compliments (and myself) to a deeper level.
I have been exactly the same with myself Nicole brushing off any compliment even feeling embarrassed and going into a dialogue reasoning why the person complimenting could have been mistaken. Really crazy stuff. Having spent some time exploring the importance of appreciating myself, I have come to be able to stay open a persons compliment, stand meeting them and allowing it to be truly heard and felt. It does feel great to accept compliments and even feel when they are directed to what I am wearing, for example, it is still actually about me and the quality of life I am choosing.
I also struggle with compliments, knowing that this comes from not appreciating or acknowledging myself.
Recently I became painfully aware of this and have started a program with a practitioner to address these ill energies I hold in my body. Thank you for the reminder, encouragement and confirmation Nicole.
In the past when I was given a compliment I would brush it off, be embarrassed, or feel the need to justify it and play it down. I didn’t feel comfortable getting attention of being make a fuss of in front of others.
Instead I felt comfortable hiding and not shining my light, all to avoid taking more responsibility in stepping up, and reclaiming the fullness of who I am. Thanks to Serge and Natalie Benhayon at Universal Medicine and Esoteric Woman’s Health talks/workshops I am learning to deepen the love and care I have for myself and reclaim the beautiful woman I am. And now when I receive a compliment I appreciate it and see it as a confirmation of my deeper commitment to myself, others and life.
I love how if we are truly open to exploring truth and love, there are endless opportunities to learn, grow and discover the beautiful depth of ourselves from each other. Even in the simple reflection of a compliment we have to opportunity deepen the degree of love we hold for ourselves by claiming who we are, or by reclaiming an aspect of ourselves that we have previously dismissed.
It is such a great point that you have raised Nicole with your question? Do we really deeply feel the appreciation that has been expressed, do we truly say ‘yes’ to claiming our greatness? I can instantly feel how I at times say ‘thank you’ to the person expressing how they honestly feel but I don’t allow myself to go deeper and truly claim that ‘yes’ I am reflecting love by being who I naturally am. Who we are within IS truly amazing, when connected to our essence we all are Divine greatness personified. Yet we are so conditioned as a society to play ourselves down, to not stand tall and claim how great we truly are. This has got to change as we are diminishing our light every time we stand down from claiming ourselves, not only with ourselves but with each other. As the more we do accept and appreciate ourselves the brighter our world will surely be. Note to self… note taken ; )
There are some compliments I have been given that have thrown me completely as I really have not been able to see these in myself. What has been gorgeous about receiving them is I have been able to bring focus to these qualities which effectively have allowed the world to see more of me.
The other day I was given a compliment and it was so lovely to feel it as a confirmation of what I already new. I accepted the compliment with so much ease and knowing. It was beautiful to reflect back to the young person who complimented me that they too had the same qualities as they had seen what is already within themselves. I have come a long way from the days when I would dismiss almost all compliments out of hand.
A compliment can reveal so much. Whether we choose to accept it or not is most definitely our choice, but brushing it off dismisses not only ourselves but the person who delivered it too.
I used to cringe and want to be invisible when someone gave me a compliment, sometimes I still struggle to accept them but generally I enjoy them much more now. I’ve also noticed that when you do accept a compliment it acknowledges and confirms the person who expressed it.
When we are unable to accept compliments from others it is an obvious sign that we are not valuing ourselves and certainly not feeding ourselves back with the love and appreciation that confirms and builds our sense of integrity and self-worth.
I was talking to a beautiful 11 year old boy a couple of weeks ago. I told him that he was and that he must get told that all the time. With a knowing smile he said that he did but he nodded his acceptance of this complement twice meeting my eyes in a thank you. How gorgeous to meet a child in the full knowing of his awesomeness in complete equality – no embarrassment, just a direct gaze in acknowledgment. He blew my socks off!
We talk about the shield we create to deflect any barbs that come our way, but I love the fact that you are exposing the shield we put up around appreciation of ourselves.
What I find remarkable is how much I can dismiss compliments, even a multitude of them in order to twist a situation into something lesser. There is a great lesson here in this blog in taking the opportunity to really feel compliments and to understand where they come from. The more we can accept our own quality the more quality we then have access to, to give back to others.
Thank you Nicole I also have watched myself when given a compliment and have realised that it is my idea of myself that keeps me from receiving the gesture fully. If I connect to and therefore see myself as the multidimensional being that I am, I would accept all compliments as paying tribute to that divinity and would feel the joy of the fact that the person complimenting me was also connected in that moment to the love that we all innately are. Nothing to reject or shy away from there.
We tend to calibrate what we accept from others based on what we accept from ourselves about us.
A true compliment is such a blessing in the day, something to be treasured as a confirmation of our innate and undeniable divinity. I feel that as we accept our divinity and keep our individuality under observation, our relationship to compliments will change.
Thank you for sharing this, this is pure and true. As how can we not like receiving a compliment when we live in a world where there is so much lack of appreciation. At the same time this gives us the answer indeed to why we struggle at accepting a compliment or truth.
I love what you share here Nicole, I too have brushed compliments aside and felt awkward at the time. I am learning to appreciate and value the qualities I bring, this has been an important step in accepting compliments from others and has made it easier and natural for me to appreciate and compliment others.
“…for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, [which] is the ultimate compliment of all! Nicole I love what you say here. If we cannot love ourselves it is not possible to fully open up to allow the love of a true compliment to deeply resonate within us. If we allow this energy in it expands us and reflects that expansion back to others. Truly receiving a compliment is like con-ceiving. It supports us to flourish and flower.
A great point you have made here Nicole, to clock and feel how we are when someone offers us a compliment. How we are with the compliment is a reflection of how we are really feeling about ourselves.
I love this blog Nicole, you nailed it ! Simply with this : ” I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.” This is it – this is our answer to why we have hard times with hearing and accepting our compliments. Just because someone is appreciating us , which we have not done ourselves.. interesting really. But much we can learn from..
Nicole there is so much value in simply appreciating ourselves and allowing others to appreciate us too.
Compliments can feel uncomfortable for a lot of people, but the feeling of being uncomfortable is simply us not claiming it. I know this has been my experience, and still I have to be careful I don’t brush compliments off but really feel them – and read if they are true. We are always learning, and the more I have started to value appreciation for myself and others, the more I can compliment someone as a confirmation of who they are.
Not accepting true compliments can be a way of avoiding taking responsibility for the great qualities that we can bring to life!
I have noticed this too, the times that I compliment someone and they make an excuse for whatever it may be, belittling themselves in the process. I too have done this plenty of times. How is it that we are brought up to not value ourselves and thus feel love for ourselves?
I had a situation recently where a person commented on a characteristic of mine, an ability I have that I do extremely well….I found that difficult to take, whereas compliments on how I look or the clothes I am wearing I am able to deal with rather well, but an actual acknowledgement of me personally was brushed aside whilst negating myself….I almost instantly realised what I had done so I stopped the conversation and made a point of accepting what had been offered…but like yourself Nicole I feel that in future I will stop, and let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality another has seen…..actually it is truly a gift, that I may see and appreciate myself in a way that I have not allowed myself to see.
To me it shows the twisted nature in society when many many of us find it so difficult to accept a compliment yet find it so easy to bash and abuse ourselves. What is going on to have made it so? Society encourages criticism and judgment yet appreciation of ourselves and others is all our natural way, to have come so far away from this shows how lost we currently are.
I used to get really uncomfortable if someone gave me a compliment, I didn’t like the focus being on me yet liked the recognition that someone had noticed me. I never valued myself enough to accept a compliment and would try to find negative things to say about myself to dispel the compliment, which looking back could be in a quite dismissive way. The more I accept and appreciate who I am, the more I am able to accept and enjoy a compliment.
I have also had a hard time accepting compliments from others. Does this stem from not appreciating myself first? How can others see things about us we don’t wish to know? Until we stop and accept that it is all right to be amazing there will never be any evolution.
Not accepting compliments, is definitely showing me that I am not accepting the grandness of what I can bring, it is the acceptance of compliments that shows us the way we are, as so often others see much more in us than that we come to see ourselves.
I really like this blog and the simple truths that are on offer to us
Re-reading this, I was just reflecting on a situation at work recently where we were jesting with each other. I walked away knowing I had not brought all of me to that situation. I had eaten sugary foods and was exhausted and joined in the sarcasm. I could later see how this way of us jesting and relating with each other actually held back the support we could be offering each other. It was a bit of a wake up call. This meeting could have been used as a time to confirm each other instead of throwing comments that left you guessing about what the real message was.
It is beautiful that instead of sweeping compliments aside, that you are using them as a reminder to appreciate you like others have… in this way they are a gift for you to see the amazingness that others see and really stop, embrace and appreciate that about yourself.
Over the last month or two I have been writing in a journal every night and what I have appreciated about myself or another during my day. What has unfolded from this process is a true exploration of who I am and what we reflect to the world. Appreciation and compliments are wonderful and greatly needed today.
Ah, I’ve just had a lovely revelation Nicole…when someone pays us a compliment and we stop and feel it, it may be something they see within us that we haven’t stopped to appreciate for ourselves. Now that is a true gift.
Thank you Nicole. How we accept a compliment from another really does show us how we see ourselves.
Great blog. I have also been aware for sometime of my reaction or response to compliments and on some days I accept them unequivocally and other times I might suddenly shrink when told how much someone appreciates something about me. I realise that sometimes this shrinking is because I know the other person is not being true, but is that a reason for me to contract? No it is not. Compliments are such a blessing in so many ways.
We play many games to keep ourselves down and being small as in doing that we avoid the responsibility of what it is living in our power and reflect to the world that there is another way of living where the more we accept and appreciate how awesome we are anything is possible.
How much am I willing to let myself feel? This is a great question. having subscribed to a life of struggle a lot I can see this old habit cutting in on times when I might otherwise acknowledge and appreciate the joy in life. Connecting to the wonders of myself is such a joy. Why then when someone who points me in that direction would I want to dismiss it or them? I am slowly letting go of the old inhibiting ways and opening more to the beauty of the moment and re -connecting with others in this way.
I am finding lately that I can accept a compliment more readily, enjoy what is said to me and feel that it is true. In the past I would brush a compliment aside and negate it which I can see now is quite dismissive of the person giving the compliment. In contrast it is so beautiful to feel when it is received.
It is such a game we play when we dismiss compliments or put ourselves down. It is also a cop out as it is easy to dismiss ourselves but it takes application and willingness to accept ourselves, and that is where we must go. Focussing on the qualities we hold is the way forth to live with more love to share out from our appreciated soulful bodies.
I’ve been working on this as well over the past few years, and in this regard, Serge Benhayon and Natalie Bemhayon have for me been examples of true inspiration when it comes to role modelling how to receive, and appreciate and accept a compliment – a process which doesn’t share anything they don’t already know and feel within themselves, but which simply confirms who they already are!
Lately I am getting more and more compliments and appreciating comments from people. For me this shows how much more I appreciate and accept myself.
‘I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength’ – Nicole this is a huge point you cover here – you talk about compliments and the idea of feeling uncomfortable when we receive them – to me this is a reflection of how we see ourselves. I, like you, used to be terrified of compliments – I hated them and would feel very embarrassed – but it was because I did not truly appreciate or value myself. Having more love for myself these days means 2 things; 1. I can accept a compliment as a confirmation of how I am living, and 2. I now give others compliments not to be ‘nice’ but again simply as a confirmation and appreciation of what I observe in them because I am open to this based on how I am with myself.
I have often found it difficult accepting compliments, but what I realised in time was that this was because I was having difficulty in accepting myself.
I agree with what you have said here Nicole –”it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more”. Sometimes it feels like we are addicted to keeping ourselves small because we have been raised with sentiments like ‘don’t blow your own trumpet’, ‘don’t get big headed’, ‘don’t get too big for your boots’. All of these kinds of comments serve to keep us from allowing the grandness that is within us out. There is a stupendous grandness within each and every one of us that needs to be shared with the world.
It’s amazing how many people in the world, either ignore or brush off comments with things like ‘oh it’s a cheap dress’ – just goes to show the epidemic of lack of self worth we allow to affect us.
I agree with you Gyl, there is an epidemic of lack of self-worth amongst people today yet we have to go deeper and ask why is this so? Could it be that we use the notion of lack of self-worth as a way to avoid the responsibility of living true to who we are?
How amazing is it when someone does accept a compliment in full, also acknowledging and appreciating what is being complimented as a claimed fact. Yes I have seen it be a surprise to people who are not used to such an open response. But such response often inspires to start truly appreciating ourselves and one another.
I have made a study of the way in which people respond to being appreciated by others. There are very few people who I have observed to accept a compliment in full without minimising or excusing it in some way. As you say here, Nicole, if you are not appreciating your own qualities amazingness and what you bring to the things you do, you won’t be able to accept it when others express it to you.
To accept a compliment means we have to accept our own magnificence, and expose the fact that our lack of self worth is actually self perpetuated. We see ourselves as we choose to see.
Beautifully said Adam. To see and appreciate our magnificence we need to come out of hiding, something many of us are not yet choosing to do.
Love these words Nicole ” that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!”
So true Jenny, I am coming to realise the power in appreciation, how when I appreciate myself and others the love just simply grows and that when I go into criticism and self loathing the love then is diminished.
‘I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.’ So true Nicole, sometimes a sadness comes up after a compliment is given to me, it is truly a gift to feel how I left myself behind by not acknowledging who I truly am and what my qualities are.
It is incredible how this one sentence, a compliment, can illustrate so easily the holes we leave wide open in ourselves. By not appreciating ourselves and our essence we leave space for a whole heap of energy…usually the opposite, self loathing. Which goes to show the absolute importance of appreciation.
Very good point Jenny, we are always saying yes to something
‘What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’ a great insight Nichole.
“So I have been playing a little ‘game’ with myself. When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see.” Hi Nicole I have been experimenting with this too and it really works. Over the last few weeks I have been allowing myself to stop and feel a compliment when it has been shared with me and it really fills my body with such a warm expansion. Allowing ourselves to fully embody a compliment is like a big warm hug. Thank you for sharing your blog.
Nicole – recently I have taken on compliments as a confirmation of where I am at, and just stay with what has been said and started to appreciate rather than deflect it. Yes it was a little bit of a learning for me to stop shying away from compliments, but it took me looking at how I was appreciating myself to start to accept what was said. It seems I carried a distinct lack of confidence in not accepting where I was at and then equally not accepting feedback from others. So once we start to appreciate ourselves, it can change a lot.
I just had this experience this morning, a friend said you look and feel amazing, I said Thank you, it felt great to appreciate myself and what others feel “So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself,” It was a confirmation, even if I have had tricky moments this week, these are more to do with resistance I have to keep expanding and growing, stepping out more, and not the world, where I am at however is amazing and it is something to appreciate.
I agree stopping and feeling the quality of a compliment is powerful. Feeling from the body allows us to feel the truth of something. Do we deny the compliment, do we shrug it off, sitting with it for a moment allows it to be embodied. We can appreciate ourselves and the person sharing the compliment.
To be able to really receive a compliment we have to first be able to feel that quality in ourselves I feel. Otherwise we will keep telling ourselves that what we are receiving is not true.
Thanks for this writing Nicole, I feel this too when someone is offering a loving compliment I tend to play it down or even pretend that it’s not true. It’s a truly great gift to be able to receive compliments with a open heart.
That is because when true, compliments confirm us, they say I see you – and your amazingness.
I noticed myself starting to play down a compliment yesterday about my hair. I stopped myself saying what I usually say and just said thank you. It felt lovely.
Taking the time to stop and feel a compliment is so powerful, and I would say the same for many aspects of life. Yesterday I was on my way to a session with a work colleague and made a degrading remark about my abilities. I could feel the habit in this and how it was just feeding the negativity and was lazy. Being able to accept compliments but also being able to accept and look at our own abilities and build a strong acceptance of our own qualities from within. That then makes it easier to listen to and take in the truth when a compliment is received.
Yes so true Stephen, by staying aware of every thought and utterance we have about ourselves and others and naming anything that is not Love or Truth we keep the slate clean so that the Love we already are can be the fertile ground from which we live. That acceptance of the quality that we are within is very powerful, and knows how to dance with a compliment coming our way!
I can relate to this and have done this also Stephen and not only has it felt awful for me the other person is getting to feel the truth of us.
Practicing to make a a true assessment of where we are at is powerful, often we can trick ourselves that we are either less aware then we ‘think’ we are or more aware than we ‘think’ we are “Being able to accept compliments but also being able to accept and look at our own abilities and build a strong acceptance of our own qualities from within” Coming back to the body, body awareness and honouring what we feel brings a clarity and true awareness to true self assessment and so as you say acceptance and appreciation can unfold.
Stephen, I have noticed that this is a very common thing for us to do, to put ourselves down, ‘Yesterday I was on my way to a session with a work colleague and made a degrading remark about my abilities. I could feel the habit in this’, I used to do this a lot and can feel how this is a very acceptable thing for people to do that it is almost expected that we talk about ourselves in this way and that if a compliment comes our way we put ourselves down to counter it, it is often seen as the polite thing to do, rather than know how amazing we are and accepting compliments.
i know I can deflect a compliment when I am not feeling my own worth, no, not really, not me, really? But it’s interesting how the person giving the compliment and the person receiving it can both bloom in full together when we both feel our own full worth and it is received with the full intention in which it was given.
I love how you said ‘bloom in full together” Gill – that’s what it really feels like when we genuinely appreciate ourselves and aren’t ashamed or don’t hold back from expressing it.
I agree, when we receive a compliment we can “both bloom in full together”, I love this because when we acknowledge the compliment we are also acknowledging them in full too.
Yes Sally, it’s a divine union.
Gorgeous Sally, in complimenting another and accepting that we realise all that we are also or have the potential to be.
Gill, this takes receiving a compliment to a whole other level of responsibility and shows me that deflecting, shirking and even shrinking in the face of a compliment because of a belief that it is “right” to be modest is actually flying in the face of truth and brotherhood.
I agree Gill, it does seem equally important to accept the compliment as it is to give it.
Thanks so much Nicole, this is a very healing blog and has helped me immensely, I was somewhere recently where I was receiving many compliments and found that I still wasn’t totally comfortable receiving them so coming home and re-reading this was a real help.
I love this Nicole: “… it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all! It is indeed!
Jeannette what a brilliant line to read and reflect on this morning. Not only is it allowing compliments from others but to truly accept ourself.
I found that I couldn’t accept compliments, I really struggled with them and always deflected them on to someone else, until I learned to accept and appreciate myself.
This is a great blog, it is so important to recognise ourself for the beautiful qualities we have, and not discard them quickly after someone complimented on them, because we have not allowed ourself to see this before, keeping us in the comfort of not appreciating ourself and keeping ourselves small, and think we are insignificant. While the polar opposite is true.
Just been on holiday in Vietnam. In the last days I got twice a compliment about how beautiful my skin is. I played it both times down saying it is my make up. As woman we can be very critical about our own looks. Interesting to observe!
Great point Janina. Women can be very critical and very quick to dismiss a compliment that is directed towards them. However this does raise a question, because in truth we DO know that what is being said is true, we just don’t want to believe it. So could it be that we, particularly women, are playing a game of pretending not to know because we may be afraid of how another will react if we claim the truth of the beauty that we are? Could it be that we are afraid of another being jealous of us, if we were to say for example, “yes, thank you, I know my skin is beautiful”?!
It is crazy how we play down compliments or almost refuse to accept them Janina. To appreciate a compliment is a beautiful thing to do for both the person complimenting and for us to receive. I can still catch myself going into old patterns of not accepting or deflecting a compliment, but I can feel now how untrue and so totally unnecessary this is.
I too used to often feel uncomfortable when I was paid a compliment, and it has taken me a while to realise that this was because what I was being complimented on I had not “yet
recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength”. I agree Nicole that taking the time to stop in this precious moment gives us the space to feel what the person has shared and to allow ourselves to feel it in our body.
Confirming our amazingness through appreciation creates a deeper foundational connection with self and all equally. A much needed key for life. Thank you Nicole.
And we are all so amazing. All of us. We just choose not to live it all the times but it is ALWAYS there.
Always there to draw from and be at any moment!
“…it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” Nicole it is great to read your blog again as I have been looking at this and asking myself why I sometimes have difficulty receiving a compliment. I’m noticing that I’ll start to let a compliment in but then I’ll block it before I fully integrate it into the body. It’s as if it does not match the picture I have of myself and I cannot allow myself to expand to receive such glory. But when I let go of that picture and just be a vehicle of expression for truth and love I can let in a compliment to the deepest part of me. It’s the identification with my self that gets in the way and without that any compliment is just seen as an expression which confirms and augments that which I already am. I don’t need it to build me up as I know I am already whole.
Beautiful expressed Sandra, so true a compliment is always a confirmation of who we already are.
Thank you Nicole, this is such a relate-able blog. It’s a great process you’ve outlined of stopping to feel fully with your whole body what is being offered in the compliment, and then to also open to this new area of appreciation of yourself as part of your deepening relationship of loving and cherishing all that you are.
I agree Melinda. What Nicole is sharing here is something we can all be inspired by and can indeed learn from. By allowing ourselves to fully feel the truth of what is being said in our bodies, when we are offered a compliment is actually equal to being offered a piece of treasure. If we keep dismissing these gems of truth, how can we ever get to know and appreciate the truth of the beauty of who we really are?
Beautifully expressed Melinda; the “little game” Nicole played with herself sounds a wonderful way to appreciate, deepen and cherish all that we are.
I wholeheartedly agree Melinda. Appreciation is a deepening relationship with self, that truly encapsulates us all.
Sometimes I am surprised when I get a compliment and in an instant I know I should not be, it is just my level of acceptance of myself being exposed at that time.
So true Linda, we are not honouring the other who is giving us the compliment when we do not fully appreciate their expression.
I agree Nicole, appreciating ourselves is the only compliment we really need because when we appreciate ourselves we are blessing ourselves with the love that we are and that love feeds us back.
I agree for sure Brendan, how we are with ourselves is key to letting in a genuine compliment.
I am learning to also stop and appreciate what someone else is offering me in the form of a compliment. This appreciation is another way of truly loving who we are- it is part of our self -care.
Yes Anne – self appreciation includes confirmation of the divine beauty, sacredness and preciousness that we all come from within. It truly evolves, and doesn’t allow any self doubt or self loathing in.
Beautiful Nicole, receiving compliments with ones whole body and being, is opening up to the appreciation others can bring and then adding our own to the moment. A great double wammy of love!
Thank you Nicole for your sharing – you sum it up here when you say ‘… it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!’ – I absolutely loved reading this and seeing a compliment as so much bigger than what someone else can offer us. in fact you take the investment out of a compliment which feels much more loving than needing to be confirmed by others rather than confirming ourselves.
Great insight when you write that you do “not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more”. It feels like we don’t hold ourselves in the appreciation that we deserve and then, even while craving some form of recognition from the outside world, we do not let the compliment or appreciation from another in.
It is simple really, if we cannot love ourselves deeply, we cannot allow ourselves to be loved by another, for we cannot accept the reason for their affection – that it is us that they love. Me? Are you crazy? And so we do not let it in, for to do so would reflect to us our own inner torment and sadness that we no longer feel connected to the glory we once knew. The fact that we reject love means that we must inherently know love. For you can only reject what you recognise.
Acknowledging and accepting ourselves when another sees us for who we are, can take a moment to sink in, but when it does, we can truly see and accept ourselves in the glory we are. It’s great to take the moment and not brush it off, and appreciate that someone has highlighted this for us when we haven’t noticed it.
There is a difference between ‘needing’ a compliment and ‘receiving’ a compliment. One is from emptiness, and the other is a form of surrender and an appreciation of oneself.
Could it be that complements are just external appreciation from others and if we have a hard time accepting them is as you have said Nicole just something we have not allowed us to see ourselves. Now that I accept compliments I have found how easy it is to accept everyone equally.
On re-reading your lovely blog I realise how much more accepting I am of compliments these days. Appreciating myself has really helped support me with this. This enables me to be more open and accepting of others too. Win, win!
There is definitely a lack of self worth exposed when we can not accept a loving compliment from another, and a great point of reflection as to where we are at when a compliment is offered our way, whether we accept it or push it aside.
Nicole I can totally relate to your blog, compliments can be a beautiful offering from another when we accept them for the love they are. I like how you now call them a friend, it gave me a moment of appreciation when I realized I too have/am friends with compliments now.
Really taking stock of how amazing we are and appreciate ourselves is so important. I have days gone by that I just don’t take stock and I can feel the difference this has on myself, my day and others. The more I take stock, the more I appreciate others around me and this has a huge impact on everything. People can feel it and it brings a deeper level of connection, joy and intimacy.
When I don’t accept a compliment graciously I can feel the hurt in the one that offered it.
So true Shelley.
And when we appreciate ourselves, it does not come as a shock when others appreciate us, but a confirmation or expansion of what is already felt.
“Someone offers me a compliment, and I quickly say thank you, brushing it off like it was said in jest, a fleeting moment, or simply to be polite, or better (worse!) yet I go into an explanation of why I may look good, or why my hair is incredibly amazing on that day.” Ah Nicole, I know this one well – up until the last year or so, I would even find myself responding to a compliment with “yes, but..(insert negative observation about myself)”. It really shocked me when the words came out of my mouth, and I began to see just how uncomfortable I was with accepting compliments. Though it wasn’t always the compliment that was the problem, but the feeling of comparison that came with it – especially if the “compliment” came from another woman. Looking back I think that was what I was trying to diffuse by playing myself down.
I have to admit I have never been and still am not totally comfortable with compliments and after looking more deeply at this I realise I still have a way to go in accepting that I am the equal brother of everyone else. It’s pretty easy to say I am but truly getting rid of old engrained ideals and beliefs sometimes takes a lot more work than just saying they are taken care of.
I feel it has also to do with, not only letting the compliment in but letting the person in who is expressing the compliment to me. I can be quite arrogant in not accepting the compliment because I donot let the person in.
Good point Annelies. As you describe how we can accept a compliment without truly connecting to the person and letting them in it feels awful. It feels selfish and needy – like we want the compliment but not the person. Yes, it is the person we need to let in.
This is a great question, the unacceptance of compliments really shows us the things about ourselves we have not embraced and accepted.
Developing the ‘art’ of receiving a compliment is truly worth it. It is a stop moment of self appreciation and appreciation of the other person. The more we appreciate ourselves, the more we deepen our understanding of how truly beautiful we all are.
“when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.”….well said Nicole, conversations like these are so needed because it starts us getting to the truth of the matter.
“So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself” this is great, appreciating the complements that we receive as a confirmation of the amazingness that we are.
Today I received a compliment and just accepted what was said without the feeling that I should say one back. I have no right to reply a compliment with a compliment, it just doesn’t come across genuine, but I just appreciated what they saw in me.
Responsibility and appreciation for ourselves came hand in hand and it is our acceptance that makes all the difference allowing the love to grow and expand outwardly in the world and also within.Compliments are all part of this confirmation of ourselves given to us as a magical gift allowing this warmth and appreciation deeply.
To appreciate the quality of what is being offered when a compliment is being paid is a gift in itself as many of us are quick to shun being appreciated by another. The question to answer is why.
To see and truly accept ourselves for who we are, now that is the ‘ultimate compliment’. We can be given all the complements externally we like but the deepest ones are that we can give ourselves.
True Stephen, we can only accept a compliment from another to the depth that we are willing to truly appreciate and accept ourselves.
This is key Linda, for the love & appreciation that we bring to ourselves is what opens us up to our potential and brings a compliment to life.
“in fact, the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.” I can really relate to this mini story Nicole, it is a trick we play with ourselves; a contract with self, that measures how fantastic we are allowed to feel.
Yes, I agree Lucinda. This measuring for me has actually become an attack on myself, an attack on my light, which my body can only sustain for so long before it will start to show signs of the abuse I have been putting on to it for years. The key here is to accept the light that I am, and this is something we can all do, I am just using my own experience as an example.
Self Appreciation is the key to overcoming negative thoughts of low self worth and self loathing.
And when we do appreciate ourselves the reflection is that other people notice the difference in us and compliment us as confirmation .
We have a responsibility to appreciate ourselves. Completely.
Thanks so much once again for writing this blog, I remember reading it the first time and saying to myself that I would make a concerted effort to become more comfortable when given a compliment, which I did for a while then slowly slipped back into old ways again. So coming back for a second time round I’ll see if I can take it another step further and keep it going this time.
Yes, I find too that it takes a bit of practice to actively receive a compliment without brushing it off.
Appreciating myself is something I am finally learning and I am loving the learning. For years when someone paid me compliment, or appreciated me in any way, it used to feel like they were talking about someone else; it was as if there was a wall between me and what they were saying. Well the wall is being dismantled brick by brick and I am really enjoying the freedom this is offering, and I’m definitely loving the new view – of the amazing me!
Yes Ingrid it is absolutely beautiful when the walls coming tumbling down, no more barriers to be found (to quote a line from Jenny’s song). The treasure that we are is invaluable.
Ingrid its lovely to read how you are learning to appreciate yourself, as its something that so many of us, myself very much included could work on. I love how you are “loving the learning” and in that the appreciation it feels you are holding. I’ve been on a recent program of appreciation bringing this to my focus and the difference I am noticing over the past few weeks is very tangible, from the way I feel, the way I walk, talk etc. I’ll join you in celebrating the amazing me!
I love your comment Ingrid, and when we let the walls down everyone gets to enjoy the view, not just us! Imagine the beauty of a world full of people open to appreciating and reflecting their amazingness, all walls down and complete confirmation with no fighting of who we truly are (or of who others are). Grace and simplicity!
This is one very beautiful world, not only to imagine, but to work towards together, Melinda; a world of “grace and simplicity”.
It is so easy to brush the compliment off so to speak. We can even hear it and feel its truth to an extent but if we have not surrendered to feeling the whole truth of what is said, we are still ‘brushing it off’
I just paid someone a compliment and they did exactly what you did Nicole – took it in and said yes I do that and thank you. Gosh it was delightful – to hear a person confirm in themselves that yes they are that and appreciate it of themselves. Let’s have more of that for sure!
I have had a similar experience of someone accepting my compliment which felt like they were actually just confirming me and what I had felt about them. It was a beautiful exchange.
I love your comment Sarah, it has inspired me to take the time to truly feel compliments in future, and to acknowledge them by confirming for myself, and the other, the truth of their expression. Yes let’s have far more appreciation of ourselves and others!
I like the sound of that Sarah, more of this is surely needed in this day and age – so refreshing.
Beautiful Sarah, I love how the simple exchange of giving and receiving a compliment can bring so much to both people.
I love that Sarah, that’s what we need more of people accepting compliments, instead of becoming embarrassed.
So true Sarah. And the converse is watching someone fight and struggle with the truth of their inner beauty – uncomfortable to watch and feel. By fighting ourselves this way we are really denying it for the all.
“I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.” This sentence to me is a gem. It is so true as it highlights that I have more accepting of myself to do every time I feel uncomfortable and to allow myself to feel what is being offered when a compliment is expressed to me. The more I accept and appreciate all of my qualities, strengths and the grandness I know I am, the more I can accept another’s compliment in full.
This helps me to have more understanding that when another declines or shies away from my compliment, not to react but to simply realise that I am offering them an opportunity to appreciate and accept their qualities and beauty and to deepen their connection with themselves. This therefore inspires me to keep expressing love and appreciation for who they are and not to give up just because of their reaction and their resistance.
I love this blog Nicole. I have come to accept a compliment but to some degree and this blog so beautifully and clearly points this out. Most of the time I say ‘thank you’ but I do not stop to feel all of the compliment. To pause for a moment after the compliment is such a supportive and loving thing to do… I am inspired to give it a go.
Yes Brendan, I can vouch for that. A genuine compliment from someone can change my focus, my mood and get me to actually appreciate myself. It then inspires me to pay it forward and go on to compliment others.
To say “thank you” when receiving a compliment is a graceful thing to do. No arguments, no excuses, no comparison, no idealization. Simply and humbly letting the love in.
Ah the word ‘grace’ and or ‘graceful’ I just love the feeling that I get when I read these words. It is time for me to truly embrace my grace and live it every day. Thank you Felix for writing in the way you do!
What a beautiful moment to share. Thank you Annelies and Felix.
Yip sounds very familiar Ariana and the irony of it all is I absolutely Love people and I love feeling Love so the fact I have put effort into ‘protecting myself’ by keeping people at arms length has in actual fact capped me from accessing all of the Divine Love that I am. Crazy but beautiful to feel and see how much this actually hurts this game that I have been feeding. Letting you all in is a surrendering and an allowing… forever learning and it feels amazing.
Accepting a compliment however true and amazing takes an appreciation of oneself to firstly be able to accept it and this takes a lot of love for oneself from within. Living this appreciation and love for oneself allows the acceptance from there as it is a confirmation of what we already know and live . The simplicity and beauty of this is life changing and is truly beautiful to see and feel and this blog is a reflection for everyone beautifully.
This is a great subject to raise Nicole, thank you. I like how you now give yourself the space to feel what another is saying or offering when they give you a compliment. It’s a great way to give yourself the chance to feel if it is genuine and if so to let it in and let your love back out rather than just going into a default of brushing it off! This is something I’m bringing my awareness more to as well!
After that I know about accepting compliments I still find my default response is a reaction by deflecting it away and not acknowledging it. When I do not manage to not come from that default pattern but instead to accept and acknowledge it, I feel such an uplift. Roll on the day when that is my default pattern- I am definitely working at it
I love your line where you say a compliment is the best way for you to recognise what maybe you did not fully recognise yourself, I think at times we all need a hand truly seeing how amazing we are.
Absolutely Meg, ‘at times we all need a hand truly seeing how amazing we are.’ The support and encouragement of Universal Medicine practitioners has allowed me to feel what an amazing woman I am, I was previously stuck in lack of self worth and self doubt, but by the practitioners expressing to me the qualities they could see and feel in me this has allowed me to accept and appreciate myself.
I’ve experienced the same, having someone express to you what they see in you can be so healing. There’s so many amazing qualities we all have that we don’t notice because we’re focused on our weaknesses and bad points!
So true Meg. Beautifully said, we are used to brushing aside compliments, that sometimes we need a helping hand to recognise and accept that maybe we are the amazing people that deep down we know we are.
I agree Meg. Bring it on, because we are way too good at picking out what we don’t like about ourselves.
True Debra, but ultimately it matters not whether we focus on what we like or don’t like, what matters is that we let go of any pictures we have about ourself or any need to be special either through our talents or our failings. Then by accepting who we are, including our imperfections, we start to connect with the grandness that is within us just as it is within everyone.
Yes Meg I agree, we do sometimes need that support to truly feel and accept the compliment offered. Being open and allowing the support from another heals and when the same compliment is offered a second time round it becomes easier to accept.
It’s also a great reminder that we do not self-appreciate enough, I’m often surprised by compliments, rather than a compliment confirming what I am already celebrating every moment of the day.
Yes Meg, it is a reminder that we do not self-appreciate enough and I can put my hand up for this, but a compliment is absolutely something we always can confirm although it can be something that we have been hiding for a long time.
It is also important that in accepting a compliment that we are allowing another person to express what they feel about us.
So often in denying compliments or shrinking from them, we send the message that the person speaking has said the wrong thing, gone too far or doesn’t know what they are talking about. In accepting our grandness we also accept the expression of another and do not shut them down when they express something lovely.
” It is also important that in accepting a compliment that we are allowing another person to express what they feel about us.” This is so important,
This is a very important point Amanda. Accepting and feeling the compliment in full, allows both parties to feel the magnificence of love equally.
Kelly I really love how you’ve expressed this. Really appreciating another really supports us all to ‘feel the magnificence of love equally’
Love expressed and received equally allows for deep healing for all involved.
Yes Amanda, I had not see it from the other person’s point of view. It’s so true that by accepting the compliment fully, you are accepting the expression of another, and so they feel accepted. It’s a win win situation.
I can remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and the wanting to shut down after offering a compliment to another but on reflecting, it was great to feel it as it made me stop to question how I reacted when another gave me a compliment. It also offered me an opportunity to ask myself why I chose to shut down instead of reading the situation and having understanding. I had created the situation and used it as an excuse to stop reflecting my light.
It’s so ironic isn’t it Caroline? We shut down when we receive compliments and when we give one. When we give a compliment it’s just as important to hold steady for the person receiving the compliment so they can feel its truth and sincerity.
Yes it feels awful when you are shut down after giving a compliment. It’s so important to not get lost in the other persons reaction. If we hold still we support them to feel the truth.
Amanda, this is lovely what you express here for not receiving a compliment can give someone the wrong message and could ‘shut them down”. It is just our comparing self that does this whereas if we can accept our grandness we confirm that in another as we know that is innately within us all.
Amanda, this is a confirmation for the other person when we are accepting of a compliment from them.
Great Blog Nicole, it is in the denial that we in truth deny our self. Which is pretty awful to feel I can say. There is so much more to see in myself that I haven’t yet claimed for myself, which does act up in the way I cope with compliments. It is a great exercise to let them in and feel that you are that what is shared with you, I will get to that and make a start in truly appreciating myself.
“So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself…” I love how we can make everything into an experiment and check-in moment to see how we are with ourselves. Like you did with the compliments in this blog, it is a moment to see where we are in the relationship with ourselves.
I had a compliment a few days ago that I virtually ignored until later, when I did appreciate it, so now I am going to play the same ‘game’ Nicole, ‘ When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see.’
Beautiful Lorraine – claiming more of you. Reflecting on compliments offers us so much in our connection to ourselves and connection and feeling the quality of another. It is yummy to feel, claim and hold the truth another shares with us and it is also powerful to know who we truly are and when a compliment comes it is no surprise because we are living and claiming this everyday. Being present and holding this in our actions and our Livingness is amazing.
I love it Lorraine, it’s a game changer when we stop to feel and accept the compliment knowing and feeling what has been said is true, and that we have appreciation for ourselves. Great confirmation.
That’s it “appreciate the qualities others have seen that we do not see” we get so caught up in our everyday that we don’t even stop to feel and connect to our own qualities and when others appreciate us we still dismiss it, how crazy is that?
So beautiful Lorraine. I had a similar experience recently and realised after the event I did not stop for a minute to even feel what was being shared or to appreciate myself and in so doing did not honour or appreciate the others loving expression.
The act of accepting compliments is saying yes to the grandness of who we are. Accepting our grandness is not arrogance as all is being accounted for in transparency, and in transparency the acceptance of our amazingness as well as of our imperfections, and in taking responsibility for our awareness is there for us to clearly witness. When we truly accept our grandness, there is no need for compliments, but we graciously receive all compliments. Our own love confirms ourselves as well as others.
Adele this is really beautiful. I love how you’ve debunked the myth that accepting a compliment is arrogant and how we do not actually need compliments to confirm our grandness when we are with ourselves. A compliment is an observation of the natural grandness of who we are. Our imperfections do not detract from our grandness. When we choose to be aware of both our grandness and our choices which are not in line with this grandness we see this clearly.
And in graciously and deeply accepting compliments we are not only accepting and reflecting the grandness we are, but we hold the other in the grandness they are.
“Accepting our grandness is not arrogance” – a great reminder as it is easy to hold back and hide this grandness out of fear of going overboard and becoming arrogant, not true grandness at all. Grandness means that we are all grand, each and every single one of us and without exception.
Adele that’s such a beautiful line ‘ Our own love confirms ourselves as well as others’, with the completeness that this brings all need simply drops away.
“When we truly accept our grandness, there is no need for compliments” So true Adele, and we let the person in when we receive fully their offer of appreciation and our deep appreciation of ourselves is reflected back to the person expressing it and can support them to also open up to accepting themselves. Not letting a true compliment in is unloving for us and the person offering it.
“Our own love confirms ourselves as well as others.”I Love this last line Adele.
Great blog Nicole. I have recently started accepting compliments without feeling the need to respond with an instant put down of myself. Now I think I’ll take the next step and not quickly change the subject, but pause like you do, and allow myself to appreciate and feel the confirmation.
It’s so lovely to appreciate myself. My body just loves it, it can’t have enough appreciation. And in that appreciation it feels as if the body appreciates me back by a total different, now fluent and delicate movement. For now I can especially feel this in my upper body, including arms and hands. Typing this makes me aware of my fingers on the note board and how delicate, warm, loving and tender my hands and fingers actually are. If I’m with me, it seems as there’s nothing outside that can take me away from me. It feels very powerful and solid, yet very open towards anyone and anything outside of me.
This is lovely Floris, and so great for a man to be appreciating himself in this way.
Thank you Rebecca, it is. And right now a great reminder of coming back to appreciating myself. I haven’t mastered appreciating myself constantly yet.
Floris I loved reading about the awareness you had as you typed and the warmth and delicateness you described was tangible. I could also feel your very strong connection to you, and the appreciation that you now have for yourself and your body; so very inspirational.
Thank you Ingrid, it’s beautiful to get the confirmation. Which is making me (again) aware of my fingertips and my body posture in general. What I am also realising is by me expressing on this website my self-appreciation, it is a way that this appreciation can come back to me. Hence the importance to express. Wow, this is a science in itself. Thank you Ingrid for taking the time to express your appreciation. It is a confirmation in itself and an inspiration for me not too!
Beautiful Floris to read and feel your appreciation for yourself and how your body responds to your appreciation, through delicate and new ways of moving.
Yes Rosemary, the appreciation are definitely new (old) movements that I return too. They feel so natural, loving and welcoming myself – I can’t get enough of it, yet often lose it as well. Without me yet knowing exactly what I choose that I do loose it. But each time I come back to the appreciation of myself it’s like a little party (or big;-)) inside.
Your comment Floris is a reminder that there is much to appreciate in any given moment should we allow ourselves to do so.
Yes Sarah, there is. And as a matter of fact (!!!), if connected to ourselves, there is nothing else but appreciation. Writing this is both a revelation and confirmation towards this innate Wisdom that’s inside of me. So whenever we’re not appreciative, this is a clear marker that we’re not connected to ourselves. Which is fine, only the observation is worth appreciation. Because it’s only at this moment that we’re able to make different choices…
Beautiful Floris. Yes appreciation is a warm embrace for our bodies and they lap it up.
It is indeed super super lovely to be warm with ourselves. Treating ourselves with warmth is something we easily express, but I see it rarely done. Appreciation is one of the ways I am now able to wrap myself in warmth. Confirmed by my own body with an expanding response. There’s True magic inside.
Beautiful Floris. Truly accepting a compliment is a lesson in self love and care. No actually it is one step further than just that. It is actually a lesson in claiming ones Glory and Love. A compliment said from the heart is powerful.
And to be able to claim our Glory and Love we need (to have built) a foundation of acceptance of that Glory and Love. The more I am accepting myself as the natural Glorious and Loving being that I am, the more natural it is to accept and even confirm a compliment that is given to me. To connect to the exact intention of the compliment given is a next step to go.
Beautifully expressed Floris, I love how you say “the body appreciates me back” and this emanation affects everyone and true appreciation of ourselves does, as you say, open us up to everyone and everything and we no longer need to compare or judge.
Thank you Sandra. I found that appreciation from the body is actually very natural. There’s a Joy, an innocence, a spaciousness and a humbleness in appreciating. Which is confirmed inside my body as if the body is ‘saying’ thank you for the honouring, thank you for the fuel. Celebrating us together as one.
This is so beautiful Floris, and what is a bonus here is that the person who is complimenting you then gets to feel that appreciation that you have for yourself.
That’s very true Heidi. I love that. The absolute Power of reflection. Knocking out that we live for somebody else or that we have to do something for somebody in order to find ourselves or that we are to ‘give’ somebody themselves (in e.g. a compliment). It makes life very simple. Just being ourselves. Keep giving and receiving compliments, but the emotional tendrils disappear. How amazingly simple and Truly loving would life be then.
Yes Debra and what I also sometimes do is put the compliment on what I am wearing or my jewellery but it is much more than any inanimate object offers. Compliments are grand gestures of love that are reflections of the magnificence we are from within. When we accept our magnificence all compliments are felt deeply. A true healing for all.
This is significant Kelly as we live in a world that with systems (eg education) that constantly tries to reinforce that life doesn’t extend beyond ones everyday 3 dimensional experience when there is so much more to be felt. Through connecting more deeply to people and our surrounding environment the multidimensionality of life opens up and man made concepts become subservient to the truth that has been felt. I have experienced this with time. After the death of my mother I laid on my bed, shut my eyes – in this moment there was no time. The next thing I heard was the front door opened I was shocked to open my eyes and realise 6 minutes had past as for me this 6 minutes felt longer than 12 hours of deep rest. Hence confirming within ourselves and one another what we are feeling reminds us all of the space offered to us when we allow our feelings to lead us through life instead of out watches. I am not talking about rebelling against time and arriving to work as we feel for example but more so to bring the focus back to what we are feeling instead of what we ‘need’ to do.
Great point you make Kelly. Often I have done the same, choosing to not feel the compliment and brushing it off focusing on the object. Of course, (light bulb moment) it is far bigger than that as Kelly so beautifully says. It makes me stop to question in what other ways I purposely avoid seeing the magnificence of who I truly am?
So true Kelly, “compliments are grand gestures of love that are reflections of the magnificence we are from within. ”
By saying “yes” to it , we are allowing a deepening of our love to occur, and to be felt by all.
I notice I do this. I will hug someone and say oooh your jumper feels gorgeous. But actually it is not the jumper or cloth item (unless it’s satin😆!!!) it is them 💕
Gorgeous comment Kelly, and yes accepting OUR magnificence is a true healing for all because as I accept for myself I accept for and confirm the all. 🙂
Abby thank you for your amazing comment here on the 3 dimensional experience, the systems that reinforce this, and the multidimensionality of life that can open up by connecting to people, the surrounding environment, and focusing on how we feel. Appreciation is a big part of this by confirming the truth that exists beyond the impermanence of physical life. We put all our attention onto this physicality reducing who we are and life itself, but there is something that is much greater for us to return to in our way of living. We and life are so much more than just the physical. There is our being and the enormous body of love that we all live in. Beyond this world there are universes of multidimensionality – that’s a lot of life to not be connected to by submitting to the reductionism of 3rd dimensional physical reality being “it”.
Pausing and feeling the confirmation will be a beautiful practice Debra – when I feel into what is going on that I brush a compliment aside I am aware that it is that I have not truly claimed who I truly am and how beautiful, amazing and precious I am. It is time to fully claim the truth and to pause and appreciate first is a perfect place to start.
I feel self appreciation opens us up to receiving more appreciation from others, also when we feel it in ourselves we can more readily express it with others.
Exactly Debra – I’ve been taking these steps myself, and the amazing thing I’ve found is that the turn-around from finding it really difficult to accepting compliments is becoming easier and easier the more I am developing a daily appreciation of myself… in other words, appreciation from others is easier, simply based on me having a foundation of appreciation of myself in the first instance.
The other day someone gave me a compliment and I realised that often what other people see when they look at me or spend time with me is not what i see or not something i consider – and yet there are so many parts about me worth loving, and so when they complimented me I chose to accept that perhaps it was true, and take the time to see it in myself.
Blogs like this one have allowed me to stop and accept a compliment. It only takes a moment to pause and feel what has been offered to me. When you thank the person both in common feel something.
I am just wondering do we do this (not accept a compliment) because we are embarrassed to? Because in general and on the whole we are not taught to have deep self-worth, self-love and to value ourselves. Growing up in the UK it brings back memories of if anyone did say something positive about themselves they were seen as big headed or ‘loving themselves’, but what I am learning and seeing is just how little we do truly love ourselves. I recently started an appreciation program for myself with a friend and what I am seeing is how I can easily (or sometimes not so easily!) say what I appreciate about myself but do not really allow myself to feel and embody this. It is like what you are sharing with receiving compliments .. how easy we can brush them off.
What I have been learning to do of late is to compliment myself when I look in the mirror, express myself in full in a conversation etc. It is so liberating to actually have that kind of relationship with myself. The more I am doing that the easier it is to accept a compliment from another.
I do that too Elizabeth and agree it is very liberating and is helping develop a deep appreciation and acceptance of myself.
Thanks for your insight Nicole. I feel I as well as many others struggle with accepting compliments so it is great to have your reflections and lived experience to support us with this.
Nicole, I often come back to this blog as I have found it very supportive, what I noticed recently was that I have received compliments about a gorgeous new coat I have, and I have found myself saying how cheap it was, I can feel that this puts the compliment and the coat down, as if I’m not worth spending a lot of money on – very interesting to have this awareness, so thank you.
I know that when I give someone a heart felt compliment and they completely accept it with OUT changing the subject or even saying something in return it is a moment of sheer joy for all.
Kathryn this to me shows the importance of living in a way where we are constantly confirming what is true, then when we are complimented we naturally accept this and deepen the appreciation with the other person. As you say “a moment of sheer joy for all”, which gives a different perspective on what a compliment is all about.
We can only accept a compliment to the degree that we have first appreciated ourselves. There is a fine balance and it’s so important to allow the flow of both in our lives.
Great point Kathryn.
I have spent most of my life having a love hate relationship with compliments, wanting them but when I receive them feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. The more I accept who I am the more I am beginning to appreciate and enjoy receiving compliments as they are a great way of confirming what I am already feeling.
This is beautiful Nicole – once we ‘get over ourselves’ and our mental self destructive ways, it is gorgeous to be able to appreciate and feel a true compliment from another. Accepting these confirmations is another solid brick added to our inner foundations.
“When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see. I say.”
Thank you Nicole. I have become very aware of the way I respond to compliments since I first read this blog and it has been revealing to say the least. I have realised that many compliments I have received and given in the past have been laced with comparison and jealousy or used to try and ‘get something’ from another. This feels awful and there is no truth to it. I can also see that I have been equally uncomfortable with true compliments due to a lack of appreciation for myself. It is great to be able to make the act of receiving and responding to a compliment about energy first.
The amount of comments on this great blog by Nicole shows me just how dedicated to self-appreciation the students of Universal Medicine are. Which is tremendous in this day when there is so much corruption, violence, hatred and bitter rage. We here have this incredible group who are instead choosing a more loving way and know that this way must start first with love-for-yourself.
Self apprecation is truly the greatest compliment of all. 🙂
I totally agree Brendan. I have felt the moment when a genuine compliment has been expressed and it is like a wash of confirmation. Often it is then held deeply by both the complimenter and the complimentee. It is a truly healing expression and very powerful.
I recently experienced my manager and my team giving me some amazing compliments, and as I stood there I had two options – either to be embarrassed and not take on board what was being shared, or very humbly accept that actually the truth was that I had done an amazing job, and nothing that was being said was not true. I did not walk away with a head twice the size, but more of an appreciation of myself.
Rebecca it is a great point you make here. This being that when we accept and verbally reinforce the compliment, it does not give us an oversize ego, rather a greater appreciation of self.
Exactly, I find that I often worry I’ll become arrogant or vain, when in truth gracefully accepting compliments and appreciating myself would only be a great step to being far happier.
This line really stood out for me Nicole, ‘it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’ I know this very well, but the more I come to accept myself, the more I am able to stop and feel what is being said, and truly appreciate who I am.
Recently someone said I was very pretty. I found this very hard to take. I thought this person must just want to be flattering me. I realised that I had put a condition on this word and had it reserved for young people. I was old therefore I could not be pretty. Strangely enough I received a text yesterday calling me pretty Elaine. This time I did not react and am allowing myself to feel my own prettiness. It is there it has just been hiding. I had abandoned it in the guise of an old woman.
Elaine – thank you for sharing a wonderful insight into appreciating that compliments have no boundaries or time and age constraints, unless we impose them on us or others. Much to deepen my awareness with this – I really appreciate your sharing.
I’ve found that it is important to give myself compliments. It is quite a confirming and nurturing experience and one that feels as if I am parenting myself and building a solid foundation to support the love that is inside to be on the outside.
Yes I agree Mathew the compliments we give ourselves are very powerful. In my experience compliments can even offer an understanding of how great we are and where we are able to take our lives.
Complements are those things I know for myself have been a mine field, either making me uncomfortable, or being the thing I seek to confirm that I’m okay. However I can get two compliments on my hair in a day for example, but if I don’t actually stop and appreciate that, yes my hair does look amazing, then the compliments will just make me feel better for a fleeting moment. However when I have already appreciated my hair, a compliment is a confirmation.
We are with ourselves everyday and so we have the opportunity to observe and pay attention to how amazing we are, learning to acknowledge and appreciate what we bring ourselves has been part of appreciating what others notice in me as well.
“What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” This is exactly what I came to realise, I use to feel awkward and brush it off, like inside I did not feel I deserved it, even though the compliment was well deserved. I have since been allowing myself to be open to accept and appreciate compliments and allow myself to feel that I am more and what others see.
When we give a compliment it feels equally important that we hold ourselves in love in that moment too, allowing the person space to feel our appreciation of them. If they can’t accept the compliment they still can feel the love that is reflected.
Could it be that complements are given when we need them to be reaffirmed that we are on the right path? Just that little confirmation that gives us that small stop to appreciate our self and the person that gives it.
If we cannot at first accept ourselves, how can let in the acceptance of others?
Very true Adam. We can tell ourselves to accept what others are offering, but if we cannot accept ourselves it is virtually impossible to let others in.
A great point Adam, acceptance of ourselves is huge in so many ways.
I never used to be able to accept compliments but these days since I have started to truly appreciate myself I joyful accept true compliments as a confirmation and also knowing that by another seeing a quality in me they are also acknowledging that quality in themselves.
When I wrote below that I accept “true compliments”, that is because like with everything one has to be aware of the energy behind the words. There are times when the words might sound very admirable but you can feel another energy behind it such as jealousy: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-jealousy.html. In these circumstances the apparently nice words can actually contain an insidious attacking energy. In those circumstances I can connect to and appreciate the person but not take on what can be a hidden undermining in the energy.
A great tip, Nicola. That underlining energy of jealousy/patonisingness makes it difficult to trust another when taken personally. Understanding on the energetic level brings about so much healing.
Well said Nicola and Fumiyo – about being discerning of what energy words/ a compliment are being said from – not from judgement but from observing what is really being said and not taking it on if it is laced with a negative subtext so to speak.
Feeling what is behind the words is important, and there is not always congruence, a great link Nicola.
This is a really big subject I feel as it seems this is something all of us have come up against at one time or another in our lives – The art of truly accepting a compliment. I can’t say I have mastered this yet, as there is so much I feel when I am given a compliment. One process stands out for me today more than the others and it is… ‘If I really accept this compliment how is the other person going to respond or react?’ Because what I feel a lot of the time is the potential that if I fully accept the compliment being offered to me the other person may go into reaction by me absolutely claiming the awesomeness they are pointing out. Crazy really! But I have experienced this. So I really need to allow myself to feel how uncomfortable I feel in these situations and go for it. Thanks for the inspiration Nicole.
Thank you Nicole, I find compliments hard to accept as well. Its hard when someone else appreciates me more than what I do… I don’t believe the other person thinking they are just being nice or even lying.
As I am beginning to deeply appreciate me the compliments are becoming a confirmation of what I already know but as you say it is when someone notices a quality about us that we haven’t yet accepted in ourselves that is when the brush off happens. I like your suggestion of taking your time and stopping, feeling what is being shared, thanking the person and allowing yourself to feel the compliment of your quality in your body. I will remember this.
This stood out for me Nicole-‘it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’- this is a great reminder to stop, feel, appreciate and embrace what another says to me the next time I receive a compliment.
when we stop and feel and honour being appreciated, everyone benefits
This is very true cjames2012. To compliment another liberates us from our own narrow focus and it is a healing for another to receive. A win-win for everyone.
Yes, it is amazing the ways we can use to deflect rather than accept a compliment.
Hi Nicole, you have also shared here the power of stopping and feeling, allowing the space to open up. Beautiful! This is something I am going to take into my day.
This is a powerfull blog Nicole for two reasons –
1. It is short and simple with no fluff
2. It is about a subject that needs to be discussed openly
I have come to realise recently that when someone gives me a compliment it may not always be genuine and my response is different. What I mean is my body feels a disturbance and I can feel jealousy or some form of comparison from them. It is not spoken but nevertheless I can feel it and I just know it is true.
However, when it is felt, I am now learning to stop and APPRECIATE me and my choices because lets face it my choices are the reason why another would compliment me.
In the past I would find it difficult to accept a compliment and would go into doubt or question why on earth they said that. Your blog has ironed out a few things for sure Nicole and thank you on behalf of me and the rest of us who Appreciate you for spelling it out so clearly. There you go a compliment for You !
You make a good point here Bina about the energetic quality of a compliment by feeling if its genuine or not.
I too can relate to having felt this and the difference in my response. Compliments may be used to manipulate and control others, and like anything it’s important to first feel if it comes from a place of love or control.
Yes great point. Compliments can be insincere and we must energetically feel this and not let the compliment distort the feeling behind it.
Bina, ‘my choices are the reason why another would compliment me’, truly compliment me. Thank you Bina, that sounds obvious but it wasn’t obvious to me.
Well said Bina and an important reminder – the compliments we get may sometimes not come from a place of true appreciation but rather a place of insecurity, envy or comparison. Nevertheless our resposibilty is to not react to it, but as you say learn to appreciate you in that moment regardless.
“Why is it so hard to accept, really accept a compliment?”
Because it is so dangerous to do so. Once we accept the compliment it becomes easier and easier to live at that level and not everyone around us may appreciate that in full.
Great point Christoph,
I have felt my inability to accept and really drop into feeling what the compliment is confirming for this very reason. It comes back to holding back my light for fear of jealousy that may be felt by those around me. This is great to be aware of. Thank you Christoph.
Yes, Nicole, and what we are missing out is the joy of the compliment, the joy to receive it and the joy for the other to give it.
So in fact, our unwillingness to accept compliments is feeding our delay.
Oh, yes. Therefore it is very important to look at why we are not accepting compliments – in detail, so we can change our choices.
Ahaha that is a good one Christoph you nailed it and exposed it . . . no way to hide anymore.
Ahhh…. the responsibility that presents when we choose to accept the compliment. ‘I now know it therefore I now must live it’.
The way our relationships will change may not be something that we are prepared for.
Especially when we have a pretty good idea what would happen next. However, I found that I was FAR too pessimistic. The odd door may close, maybe even for a while but so much in our life becomes simpler, more harmonious and more joyful. A price well worth paying.
I had not thought of it in that way before Christophe. It’s something to consider and observe when I next receive a compliment.
The more we appreciate ourselves the more we can accept compliments from others – the lack of self-appreciation makes receiving compliments uncomfortable.
Agreed Michael, our choice to appreciate ourselves is perhaps the key here and something that any compliment we receive confirms.
This is very true Michael. Self appreciation is definitely a key point in whether we receive a compliment gracefully or not.
That makes a whole lot of sense because without that self-appreciation or self-love from/with ourselves when it does come our way it feels completely alien/uncomfortable/tense. This brings an understanding that if I am feeling light in myself and compliment another or another compliments me and it is shrugged off – that’s not a fault of myself or the other person but an exposure of having let that lack of appreciation and love into the relationship, with ourselves and others as both are one and the same and one leads to the other in a big circle.
I love how You refer to the compliments as being your friend now and what a present that is…I can feel that it is also a learning process for me to let all that love in and actually yes feel what I have ignored and being gratefull of the other to allow me to see and get to know and feel more of who I am and what I bring. It is beautiful how You express that here and for me is an inspiration to be more aware and let me feel more to go deeper…the process of allowing and really let love in…in full. Thank You Nicole.
This is a very known area of mine, not truly accepting the compliments I receive. It is a way of not acknowledging my own amazingness, and with that actually not appreciating myself. It’s great to go and change the way we go about compliments, when we can truly accept them, they are only confirming all that we are.
I agree Brendan, and that is the power we all hold within ourselves when we don’t hold back and express in full from our bodies, we can change someone’s life in a flash!
That is also my experience as well Brendan and Francisco and the thing is that that it is not only changing someone else’s life in a flash it also changed something in my body as well – I felt joy . . .
Very true Francisco, a healing takes place for both the person expressing and the one receiving what is being shared that confirms love and appreciation for both. And yes I agree it can change someone’s life in a flash.
Well said Mary we are indeed starved for true communication and even more so of love. And yet is can be so simple, if only we dare to let down our guards and all the beliefs tellings us we can’t or shouldn’t or what would they think..I have found that communication from the heart is always welcomed.
I love this last part Nicole “… but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!”.
Yes Sandra, I agree, accepting ourselves for who we are is most definitely the ultimate compliment you can get.
Yes agree Sandra I love this last part too as how can I not love it as it says it all.
Gorgeous comment Sandra, thank you!
Yes!!
Beautifully said Sandra. It is not until we can truly accept ourselves for who we truly are, that we can even begin to accept compliments from others.
The compliment then is just a confirmation of what we already know.
Absolutely Sandra, ‘ but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment.’
Contra to what the world would have you believe to truly see and accept ourselves is indeed the ultimate compliment for everyone gets showered by this – self love is a celebration, a confirmation for all.
Nicole, I have found your blog very supportive and have read it a few times now, what i have noticed is that I am now accepting compliments and not brushing them off like i used to, I now find myself agreeing with the compliment and enjoying receiving it – a big change for me, thank you.
You make a great point here Nicole when you say that brushing over the compliment is actually saying that we are down playing something that another person has brought to our attention and we haven’t yet accepted about ourselves. I find that while I might outwardly accept the compliment with a ‘thank you’, I am often quick to dismiss it in my mind and move onto something else without fully appreciating what has been offered. Time to get to work on changing this pattern to one of allowing what is there to be not just felt by others but also by myself.
Yes I feel the same. Although I am much less likely to brush off a compliment these days I realise I could allow myself to be much more open and feel and acknowledge that feeling and respond from a deeper place of honesty within myself.
“What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” Beautifully expressed Nicole. It is once we reach this point that we are able to start to make different choices, and from there life can and does really begin to change, not only for us, but for all those around us as well.
This is a great blog Nicole, about something that is actually quite huge! It reflects to me about the level to which we are willing to accept ourself and be truly seen in the world. When we truly appreciate the qualities we bring to life it helps strengthen them in us and deepen or grow the love that we share and live with – a win-win for all!
So our choice as to whether we accept a compliment or not actually affects us all!
Absolutely Jane. It might appear like just a small sentence or even just a couple of words, but in that expression of appreciation it confirms us all. To accept a compliment is accepting this on behalf of everyone.
This is true and we only have to observe a child when we compliment them ( not on what they wear or how they look ) for who they are. They will often completely accept the compliment and their eyes sparkle. It feels awesome to observe them. They know it already and it’s just confirming them. This really does affect us all.
This is so true kathrynfortuna. You can really see as well as feel when someone accepts a compliment. You get a beautiful reflection back.
Nicola I love all you share and I have been working also on this and so “When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see. I say, ‘Thank you’, allowing my body to feel what has been said.” And it feels beautiful, expansive, accepting and truly life changing.
Perhaps it is hardest to accept a compliment when we have identified ourselves so strongly with the imperfections we all naturally have. I know that there are imperfect aspects in my life that I have heavily invested in, and so if someone were to compliment me, and this compliment was contra to my beliefs about who I am, this would feel uncomfortable, definitely make me squirm, and cause an immediate reaction to try and deny the compliment as being true, because with out my invested identity – who am I? This is why compliments are so important, because they help us to break down the pre-determined moulds that we shape ourselves in to, and they ask us to accept more of the possibility that we could in fact be far greater in our love and presence on this earth.
Great point Shami Duffy, well said.
Shami, I love what you have said here – if we no longer hide behind the identity we so heavily have invested in, who are we? This would offer a great starting point to truly get to know ourselves and be open to the fact that that is so much more than we are consciously aware of.
So true Shami ~ ‘compliments are so important, because they help us to break down the pre-determined moulds that we shape ourselves in to, and they ask us to accept more of the possibility that we could in fact be far greater in our love and presence on this earth.’ Compliments support us to evolve.
Yes Shami this is an interesting point and something I can relate to. In the past, I have been suspicious of compliments, and felt that the person giving them was joking or being insincere. I was so focused on my perceived faults, and what I was not good at, I could not see, or easily accept the possibility of my greatness.
“and they ask us to accept more of the possibility that we could in fact be far greater in our love and presence on this earth.” Hand in hand with this potential comes responsibility; for living from our fullness is the reflection that will inspire others to cease the energy they give to the moulds.
We have a responsibility to choose to accept and appreciate compliments in the moment they are given, even if it’s something we possibly don’t see in ourselves. To not do at least that is to push away love – and the person giving the compliment.
This is true Julie – the responsibility factor here is important.
I love your point about accepting compliments being our responsibility. This puts a whole new slant on it.
Wow Julie that is so true – how is it possible that most of us are acting and living in such an loveless way? Thank you so much for reminding us . . .
This is so true Julie. By understanding that by pushing away a compliment is to push away Love brings a whole new level of responsibility. This is the complete opposite of what we have been led to believe – that to gracefully not accept a compliment is somehow a good thing, whereas there is an arrogance in keeping yourself less than you truly know you are.
It is true Julie, It is a beautiful moment when I allow myself to accept a compliment from another and to know that I don’t have to say or do anything just letting the other person in full surrender.
Yes Francisco. Another way to not fully accept a compliment is to deflect it back to the person giving it by saying something complimentary back to them.
Beautifully and simply said.
Yes, stopping to appreciate the comment and a simple thank you having felt it, nothing more needed, both win.
Here is a complement that I have holding back, that you can feel, Julie. You are an amazing, beautiful woman! Holding back a compliment is not loving either!
great point Julie, by not accepting a compliment we are in fact saying ‘I do not want to feel better or come out of my hiding’ Not accepting a compliment may be seen as being humble but in fact it is being in the comfort of not claiming our glory.
I love what you shared Carolien, to not accept a compliment is a choice to stay in comfort. We have so many ways to be nice and hide instead of truly claiming the compliment and going into responsibility.
Yes, there is definitely a responsibility in accepting and appreciating the love that is shown to us. This is so very well said, Julie. I love your insight in this.
Yes this is so true Jane and Julie, this is our responsibility and as awkward as it may seem saying yes thank you we are saying yes to Love. Not truly letting other people in is something I have and no doubt many have chosen to do as way of shutting down and not take the responsibility of being all the Love that we are. Time to let the protection fall way and be our Glorious selves.
Indeed Natalie by not accepting the compliment it is as if we are confirming to the complimenter that its ok to measure ourselves; stay comfortably less than choose the great responsibility that comes hand in hand with our fullness!
I can SO relate to everything you are saying in this blog, Nicole. For a long time, I would always brush off compliments or say something self-deprecating to ‘offset’ the kind words of another. I realized that in doing so, I am actually hurting the person delivering the compliment, by trying to invalidate what they were feeling.
I don’t make self-deprecating comments much at all anymore, and when I do, I catch myself and say something about it to the person. But even though I may not make comments, I’ve realized that fully accepting the compliment still is not a choice I usually make.
It helps me to read your experience of it, Nicole, in your words ‘it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’
There is a lot to ponder on here.
You make a great point here Julie about how brushing off a comment is hurting and invalidating another person. Thank you.
That is very true Vicky and something I never considered: To brush off a compliment hurts and invalidates the person offering the compliment. I have brushed compliments so often in the past and would respond with a self loathing comment that would override the complement.
I so agree Vicky – I had previously never considered this very deeply, but realise when I look back, that I have been on both the sending and receiving end when a true compliment is not accepted or is brushed off, or ignored etc. It’s a great reminder of the responsibility we have – to ourselves and another – when expressing or receiving a compliment!
Great points Julie – especially highlighting that in rejecting ourselves through knocking back a compliment we also rejecting the person bringing such a reflection to us.
Me too Mary! This blog has helped me to be more aware of brushing off compliments and also putting myself down in any way. Denigration is going out the door!
Indeed I see a compliment like a gift that is offered, we either choose to receive it, unwrap it & enjoy its confirmation OR we gratefully receive the gift but are not willing to unwrap it right then & there, so put it to one side and the moment is gone.
Yes rebeccawingrave, feedback and or critique can always be seen as a compliment as you can read this as the person saying to you that you are so much more.
I find it interesting how accepting recognition is seemingly easier than truly accepting and feeling the appreciation of a compliment expressed with love. One feeds the spirit and one the Soul.
If we do not let in the love of our own Soul, how can be possibly let in the love of another, even if it only be in the form of a compliment?
Well said Adam, truly accepting compliments is letting love in, something most of humanity actually resists.
“At times it makes me feel a little awkward, uncomfortable, almost as if I am not deserving of that level of attention from another.” So true, I always used to feel awkward when I got a compliment for doing a good job, I would just brush it off and think I was only doing my job. I am now much more appreciative and more accepting not only of the compliment but of myself too.
I love this Nicole, ‘So compliments have now become my friend’, what a lovely way to be with compliments, this Inspires me to listen to and accept compliments more and allow them to confirm me, rather than being embarrassed and dismissing them.
‘When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see.’ This is such a gorgeous reminder to stop and feel what is being offered.
A gorgeous blog Nicole – you say ‘What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’ Wow, this is so true, we need to appreciate ouselves to be able to truly let in the appreciation from others.
“. . . the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.” That is so true and so revealing Nicole – thank you so much for being such a wonderfully exposing reflection!
“. . . it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.”
Nicole this is a great awareness you share and a great cycle to leave behind.
It’s wonderful to appreciate all that we are and have another confirm this. It’s such a natural and beautiful way to share and connect. Why wouldn’t we want to support and expand on this for ourselves and each other?
Great topic to discuss here Nicole. What I realised this morning was that a compliment is also an opportunity to take stock of how much I honour and appreciate that quality within myself.
At times it seems like accepting compliments is alien to me and I can only recall twice in my life where I truly accepted a compliment without instantly having a negative thought pop in first, and these two incidences were very recent indeed. Is it that we do not stop enough to appreciate ourselves and then when someone else does it, it just shows us our own level of self appreciation?
This was great for me to reflect upon again today, as I could feel a moment the other day when I shied away from the grandness I am being seen or felt. Confirming this instead is important, and knowing that the qualities I embody are there for all equally to share and learn from with joy.
It is really interesting to watch how we react to compliments and reveal how we feel about ourselves. I too bought attention to this and it has developed so that I really do appreciate myself, my strengths and qualities. I also appreciate it more in others and do not feel bad about my weak points, just recognise I need some extra focus or help in these areas. Never bat a compliment away!
Agree Laura! ‘Never bat a compliment away.’ Put out both hands and catch the bouquet!
When we brush off a compliment I can feel it is another way of not letting the other person truly meet us – the barrier goes up and we are in fact saying ‘no I don’t deserve to be communicated to in this way’ To stop and feel the compliment opens up the space to allow another person in to enjoy and share our appreciation of ourselves in that moment.
I agree Jane – not letting the other person meet us. I find it sometimes also depends on who gives the compliment, what situation it was said in etc – rather than simply meeting everyone with openness and allow them to see who we are.
‘What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’ Our perceptions of ourselves can be so limiting at times if we are not open to the possibilities of being much more than we can imagine.
What a great and inexhaustible topic is compliments Nicole! I was just sitting with it for a moment here and remembering those days when someone compliments you but you are a bit ‘off the air’ and can’t feel what they have said – yes, glad they have said it but don’t have it in you at that moment to respond. In this scenario the compliment really highlights the fact that at that moment you are not feeling quite yourself and this feels awful to admit. But it could be used as a real opportunity to be very willing and aware of how you are feeling and keep observing, instead of reacting to the compliment.
This is such an important and beautiful blog which has helped me no end. Compliments make me uncomfortable all the time and to me it is indicating a lack of self worth and not claiming all that I am, but it is past time to move on from that and learn to feel all that I actually am with no more discomfort.
“I am all that which another sees in me and more.” It is interesting that others can see our inner beauty and comment on it and we can be so quick to negate or minimise it. This is such a lesson for us in true self love and appreciation. If we allow ourselves to stay open to a compliment what a lovely reflection the other person is then getting.
It is a big ouch to feel when we pay a true compliment to another and the response that comes back is an avoidance and/or silence, as it is deeply painful to feel our brothers and sisters living less than equal gloriousness that we all are. When I feel this, I would be even more aware in accepting any true compliments in all of my full glory, as it is natural for us to shine in all our light.
I love what you are highlighting here Adele – it is actually painful to feel each other living less than the amazing beings we are.
Someone gave me a compliment yesterday and as I did not stop to feel it, I stopped and thought of this blog…”it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” In doing so I took a moment to connect to what was being presented to me and felt the depths of it. Not only was it hugely beneficial for me but also for the other person too. It is a confirmation for them too for us to accept what they have felt and offered up, a moment of true expression.
Great point Jenny, to have a compliment accepted and appreciated is a confirmation of the other and an honouring of what is felt between you.
Lovely what you have shared Nicole, in how important it is to truly appreciate ourselves and others. Not just once a year but making this very much part of how we live.
“Someone offers me a compliment, and I quickly say thank you, brushing it off like it was said in jest, a fleeting moment, or simply to be polite, or better (worse!) yet I go into an explanation of why I may look good, or why my hair is incredibly amazing on that day.” Nicole, I can so relate to this sentence. Until the past few years, I had a huge problem in being able to accept a compliment. I used the same sort of way to distract the comment from myself as you have described, I would get quite confused, and really not know how to accept it. I was so awfully uncomfortable with the feeling that I now realise used to come up. It was actually, I now see, my body telling me that I had much to look at in this respect and I was not ready for that. I had a huge lack of self esteem, certainly never felt that I deserved to be complimented. It was also not a family trait to compliment each other, so we were not used to compliments when they came from someone outside the family. It has only been since I have been attending Universal Medicine workshops and courses, and having regular esoteric medicine modalities with Universal Medicine practitioners that I have gradually come to feel the love that I am within, and begin to live from that place. There have been enormous changes over the past few years, and at last, I am beginning to be able to accept compliments in the way that they are offered. I can see and really feel just how much I have changed in so many ways in my body, in the way that I interact with others, and in how I live my life in such a much more loving, interactive way. I now live so much joy in my life, it is absolutely fabulous.
It is great to just stop and appreciate when someone gives a compliment. Something I have been more open to now, rather than dismissing it, which is what I used to do. Before I found it very hard to accept a compliment, this was due to the lack of self worth I used to carry around me. As I have been working on my self worth, acceptance and appreciation has become a lot more easier.
“When a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.” I love this way of looking at compliments and seeing as a way to love myself even more, to learn and grow. Very beautiful.
Hi Nicole, love your blog! (compliment). Simple message. Anyone can use and implement this. A compliment is a gesture of love. I love how simple it can be by just listening to someone or meeting them in the eye for just who they are.
This is beautiful Rik – ’ meeting them in the eye for just who they are.’ – and allowing them to do the same.
I can relate to this very well. I always asked myself the same question – why it is so easy to see the grandness in other people, but when somebody sees the fullness in me, it is difficult for me to accept. Like you I have found out, that the reason lies in my relationship to myself. I’m still often very hard to myself, in these moments very far away from self-loving. But I’m learning to feel how I treat myself and that helps me to become more and more loving to myself.
I gave a compliment to someone dear to me, and they said in return, you are just seeing in me what is there in you. These words are very sweet and bring everything back to basics.
I love your words here as they ring so true – “… to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!”
Nicole, this is so truly lovely to feel as it resonates my experiences too, in not fully appreciating all that I am which is highlighted so effectively when given a compliment. To “actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more” is an amazing statement, it feels all encompassing of humanity, allowing them in by letting myself feel into the truth of their observations about me. I am inspired also to see a compliment as a friend, enabling me to go deeper into self-acceptance and appreciation of who and what I am in the eyes of others. Awesome blog, thank you.
I have noticed that when I appreciate myself vocally in public how people are surprised and often laugh nervously. There is such a belief that we shouldn’t do this and that we need to remain ‘modest’ and not ‘blow our own trumpet’. Yes, it’s one thing to constantly go on about oneself to cover up an underlying insecurity, but totally another to voice the feeling that we have when there is something in ourselves that we would like to appreciate. We can celebrate ourselves in a gentle and honouring way. In this way we can compliment ourselves!
Yes Rebecca is it ‘unheard of’ to self-appreciate when it is simply an expression of the truth when the joy and feeling of connection with our amazingness is there to be felt in that moment! It is natural!
Thank you Rebecca, this is a great point and I have noticed this too.
Rebecca, I can relate to what you have written about complimenting yourself and people laughing, this happens with my 5 year old son, if someone says to him he is lovely he says I know and then they laugh, it is almost as if they don’t expect him to agree, I can feel how with compliments that its almost considered polite to not agree but to make up some excuse why the other person has seen something to compliment us for and that it can be seen as ‘big headed’ to actually agree when we get complimented.
Yes this seems so ridiculous. It has become the norm to put ourselves down and find excuses not to agree with people’s compliments. And this has come to be seen as polite!
I agree, Rebecca, and I can see there is a game what we play, all this politeness going on in a lot of cases from the giver of the compliments to the receiver who needs to be polite and modest. Sometimes I feel how the giver would like to have a compliment back. Only when the compliment comes from the heart it feels true. If it does not come from the heart the emptyness in it is felt. A true compliment can only come from persons who feel themselves equal to the receiver, otherwise it is a giving power away to the receiver.
A profound theme you have touched in your blog Nicole. Not only will I be more accepting of compliments, giving myself the space to stop and really feel it, I will also make sure I allow a stop and enough space when I am the one complimenting someone else.
Yes a compliment is a moment to stop and fully appreciate.
Otherwise we miss the magic in the message and the connection between us.
Yes and I have especially felt this connection when I am with another who I don’t know that well and compliment them. I feel how it is stop and connection for us both.
That’s a great point, Katinka – allowing space as the one complimenting someone else. I like that because it feels like taking compliments being from one-way traffic to a moment of mutual confirmation. Also, I know sometimes I feel when a compliment comes with a baggage, as well as I sense my own jealousy when I am complimenting someone, and with space we are bound to feel more of what is truly going on – although this could be exactly why we want to blush off compliments.
Thank you Nicole for a great blog, I have in the past found compliments hard to accept, but as I accept more of the love that I am, I am at least able to say thank you, I like what you said about stopping to feel when a compliment is given and appreciate the reflection given. This is honouring to both the giver and receiver.
Beautifully said Jill. I love what you have said about stopping when given a compliment and that it honours both giver and receiver. Honouring each other is such an important ‘space’ moment, and is so different from simply brushing off or shutting down what the other has offered, or what the other simply is. So often in our transactions we ‘use’ people instead of honouring them.
True Jill, in the moment when a compliment is given, it is an opportunity to stop and feel what has just occurred or is in fact, occurring! The other person has stopped, felt and seen something in or about me and expressed their appreciation! Putting it all in ‘slow motion’ helps me understand the power and potential of compliments that can take only a few seconds in space and time. Perhaps a world changer!
I just caught brushing off a compliment from my partner with the answer of course I am response which wasn’t very loving and not letting in what he was telling me. So I am still learning to let compliments in even when I don’t feel so well…
I know this one Janina. The ‘of course I am’ response simply creates hardness and keeps people out instead of stopping and allowing space to receive the compliment.
How utterly true Rebecca and Janina. The ‘of course I am’ response to a compliment is just as shutting down as the response that denies what you have offered. It can be like a slap in the face depending on how it is delivered. It is such loving discipline to allow for a surrender to intimacy with the person offering the compliment.
Janina, there is a great learning in this thank you, the business of receiving compliments is something we can make so difficult and I can feel a change in my own body to harden when compliments come my way…or I can stay open and allow that loving gesture to be felt and appreciate both myself and the person who gave it, the latter feels much better and far more fun. Sometimes I would say a simple thank you but would still shut down, so it is more than just the words said but the feelings in my body that matters most.
Time to compliment ourselves on a regular basic than we train ourselves to receive compliments aswell.
This is a good point Stephen. When given a compliment we can say the word ‘Thank you’ but we have not truly received it until we feel it and receive it in our body.
This is a great one. Thank you, Janina and everyone else who has expanded on this. I can now feel how our acceptance really needs to go beyond the lip service and become the whole body experience.
Today it happened again. Somebody made a compliment about a new photo of me on a flyer i just got printed. I agreed and then straight away complimented the great photographer and the layout designer what great job they have done. Which didn’t feel right after as I distracted from simply letting the compliment in and that´s it. Like you say Fumiyo to really accept the compliment.
Well caught Janina! Know that one very well myself and am onto it. The idea that we are big-headed if we somehow enjoy a compliment has been so inculcated into our society’s consciousness. It is a ploy to keep us down and less joyful and powerful!
Hi Lyndy, i often could observe when i receive a compliment there is a tendency not to hold the moment in full. As i would not be allowed to have the full spot-light on myself, the full attention and a moment of appreciation just for myself.
Writing this i can see as disregard was on my favorite menu until about 8 years ago. I never gave myself moments of full appreciation so i was not able to receive them either and played them down.
“It is a ploy to keep us down and less joyful and powerful!”
I have made some wonderful changes in my life – especially with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I am often complimented on how well I look, how inspiring people find me, how much the support I offer people is appreciated. One thing I have found is that to truly let yourself be appreciated, and to truly receive a compliment – actually totally honors the person you are receiving it from. And to play it down or be dismissive – is actually not honoring them.
Well said simplesimon888. Dismissing a compliment is diminishing another and dismissing that you are a part of the whole.
Why is it that we also get taught to not enjoy compliments about ourselves ‘too much’ as if you are only allowed to be appreciated a little bit because it’s arrogant or rude to be appreciated a lot. I know I always feel that if people appreciated me more than a little ‘Thank you’ or especially more than others I always felt like I would become a target.
As children we should be supported to really allow ourselves to be celebrated and appreciated as beautifully and often and as big as it comes!
We have been taught not to be polite or humble when being complimented, but to protect ourselves from the assault of jealousy that so often comes our way when we accept a compliment and claim the truth of who we are.
Absolutely and this is just one area that we teach children to play down in. The game then being, with all these behaviours that are imposed on children, as adults we live away from all the beauty and glory we really are.
A colleague gave me a compliment the other day and said I looked lovely as she walked past and I didn’t stop to acknowledge and appreciate that. I held back in that split moment as didn’t want to draw attention to myself from others overhearing. It was a lost opportunity to connect with her and accept that gesture. I can see it is such a graceful thing to accept compliments as like this blog explores, it is accepting and allowing confirmation of me.
It is graceful to accept a compliment as a confirmation of me and also as a confirmation of the love offered by the person who is making the compliment.
Great question Nicole, “Why is it so hard to accept, really accept a compliment?” A true compliment asks us to acknowledge and appreciate ourselves, I can say for starters that this was not something I grew up doing! It has been a process of self discovery and acceptance whereby a compliment now is a reminder for me to appreciate more deeply or a confirmation gracefully received.
When we receive a compliment it is like an open invitation to accept and appreciate ourselves.
Yes Annie, this shows a true compliment as the true gift it is.
Trouble with accepting compliments also shows us how we have been invested in putting ourselves down in some way – even if this is done from choosing to ignore the amazing strengths and qualities we bring to our relationships.
This is a good point you make rosannabianchini, many people are not raised as children being supported and confirmed through positive and supportive feedback. So taking compliments is something we actually have to learn to give and take. And very beautiful to do, give and take.
That’s true Janina, and when we receive the positive feedback or compliment that praises what we do or look like (which is so often the case as we grow and develop), it does not truly confirm us in who we are, but builds a false value in everything else.
Hi Rosanna, to give and receive compliments with an appreciation for ourselves and others is deeply healing and supporting. And it feels from the quality totally different than positive feedback.
So true Janina, as a child I was taught the opposite of loving and appreciating myself. . . that it was in fact a great sin to love yourself. . . that in doing so you were being vain and that nobody likes a vain person. Then we in the same breath are taught to love others as we love ourselves! What a set up! What a way to destroy a beautiful teaching. . . make it taboo to love yourself and then have you ‘love’ others in the very same way.
On the whole, currently, we are not brought up or shown/taught how to really, deeply acknowledge and appreciate ourselves. Only the other day I said to someone at work ‘I like the top you are wearing it’s really sexy’ immediately they said ‘oh this old thing’ and went from talking to me quickly back to their work. We are Awesome, and sexy and sassy and beautifull and so much more. Thank goodness for Universal Medicine, Esoteric Women’s Health and projects/initiatives such as Girl 2 Women who truly appreciate everyone for all they are and bring this to a more known awareness of how to appreciate both ourselves and others. I never really got or understood the real importance of appreciation until this was presented by them.
Hear hear Vicky; “Thank goodness for Universal Medicine, Esoteric Women’s Health and projects/initiatives such as Girl 2 Women who truly appreciate everyone for all they are and bring this to a more known awareness of how to appreciate both ourselves and others.” There is so much started that will change the way we know ourselves and know others.
Recognising and expressing the strength of the qualities we feel in others and ourselves form the building blocks of a rich life.
Beautifully said Abby: ‘Recognising and expressing the strength of the qualities we feel in others and ourselves form the building blocks of a rich life.’ These are the riches that we take with us when we pass over, and leave as a glorious imprint on earth. The other riches are, in the end, as nothing.
Yes it really fills us up to truly appreciate ourselves and others.
Such recognition of that seam of gold running through our lives and relationships is wealth beyond measure.
We can compliment ourselves in many aspects of our lives. We see and feel much more than other people know us so it’s very self supportive to give ourselves a compliment, or three.
Very good point Matthew. This is a big dose of medicine to actually appreciate ourselves enough to pay ourselves a compliment…or three!
I love this “We see and feel much more than other people know us” so really there are no excuses for self appreciating, accepting and complimenting!
Thank you Matthew, this is an important reminder for us all.
What I feel is that I am more often than not dismissive of complimenting myself – deeply appreciating for it is a base line thing right. Most revealing that I have a very big expectation of myself and therefore nothing truly measures up. What you say here Matthew is a great revelation and I will start to practice this – I am awesome at writing comments – they flow from me easily.
That is a great practice to introduce to life, Matthew. Thank you for sharing it!
Love it, Naren and Matthew!
I love love your last line “for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!” I will have to pay attention to this in my life.
That is the line that stood out for me today too Lucy, truly gorgeous.
Lucy this is a huge sentence to be able to put into practice. For the moment we do actually truly accept ourselves for who we truly are every compliment from there after is confirmation on how amazing we are. And what this sentence brings to the table is when we have this for ourselves then this is foundation for all complaints to be fully embraced.
That is such a powerful line, Lucy. One to take to heart.
I love the idea of allowing myself the space to feel a compliment before jumping into a response. When I jump in I can see that I am reacting and not responding at all.
Yeah that’s something I would like to work on too Leonne. To not instantly respond with something that dismisses the compliment but that allows me to embrace it and also respect what the other person is expressing.
Leonne Sharkey – I love the simplicity and honesty with which you write. It is very beautiful and I’t very relate-able. Thank you!
Yeah me too Leonne, stopping and allowing to really feel what someone is sharing when they compliment me, feels very beautiful and deeply supporting. It gives grace to me as well as to the person who is making the compliment, a great moment of intimacy.
You have really nailed the process here Leonne. It made me realise that so often the moment I have been complimented, my mind is already two steps ahead looking for a justification for the compliment that diminishes what has been said, and does not let me feel the appreciation that is at hand.
Yes Naren this is an interesting point that I can so relate to. Interesting because it shows me how often I let the mind run the show and be the two steps ahead batting off any love coming my way whereas if I am criticized I take that on in a moment!
That is so true, kathleenbaldwin, and yet so nuts! That instant and often unquestioned acceptance of judgement or criticism speaks volumes about the way that we have been taught about ourselves. It says that “appreciation is to be questioned, and you should always strive for perfection”. It is a clever formula which attempts to ensure that we never accept the grandness of our true selves.
Yes Naren, perhaps it is the fact that we have reduced our grandness to fit the human form and life has something to do with such a bizarre default. We have digressed from being born love to having to learn to love ourselves. It is timely for us to return to the feeling beings we are by unlearning the false way of thinking we have adopted.
Yes, Leonne, that appeals to me too. I see the idea of allowing myself the space to feel into a compliment is a great stop moment for me to add to my list of things that I want to really work on from now on. That feels truly helpful, thank you. But I know I must not go into the head at the time, that is likely to list out why I am not good enough which has been my old way of being. It will be really important for me to feel into the body only.
Great call Leonne – its like being a cat on a hot tin roof when we react – jumpy not steady and true at all.
Spot-on description of a reactivity Lee – cat on a hot tin roof!
This blog highlights the behaviour that so many of us will deflect a compliment away with a feeling of not deserving it, and shows how we don’t value ourselves when someone else sees something positive within us that we are not seeing ourselves. When we can feel the essence of the compliment is within all of us, it can be accepted with a greater appreciation of the bigger picture.
I know I would always say that the one thing I wanted in life is love and to be loved, yet truly sharing a compliment is loving. So when we brush off the compliment it is perhaps like brushing off love. And what we really understand this to be is that if we do not value, appreciate and hold ourselves in love then it is easier to brush off that compliment rather than accept it and the confirmation of love we are.
“So when we brush off the compliment it is perhaps like brushing off love”. How true that feels, David, when a compliment is given with love, then how awful it is if we just brush it off as if it is nothing. Yes, it is love, and it behoves us to accept that when it is true love. It is so unloving for us to do otherwise, and so unkind to the person offering the compliment as well as ourselves.
Very well said David. I have recently noticed to a greater detail than before that I can accept a compliment however it is capped by how much I allow. How much love I feel for myself is going to govern how much love I allow in and accept. So recently when I have received a lovely comment I have taken note of it and how much more there is to allow in which begins with accepting, appreciating, and truly loving myself.
Well said David, … “when we brush off the compliment it is perhaps like brushing off love.” So true, and by learning to actually truly receive a compliment with this knowing, what a difference this can make to us and others, on both ends of the exchange as the receiving or giving is a mutual exchange of the love that we are.
By not seeing ourselves – and dismissing the compliment – we are in turn dismissing the person complimenting us – and in fact telling them that what they are saying is not valid because we have a lack of self worth.
I read this and thought ‘Ouch’ – that lack of appreciation for ourselves does not just affect us but everyone else as well. Even if they may not be the compliment giver those around the situation (or even just as we go about our day in a way that says “I don’t accept or appreciate myself”) is getting that message as well…
True, simplesimon888. It unfortunately seems to be very simple for us to dismiss a compliment and convincing ourselves that whoever is delivering it is wrong, or is just being nice, or is saying it because we think they have to say it. But what is being offered is the chance to stop and say, “wow, there is something amazing about me!” Why is it that so many of us do not seize these opportunities to lift ourselves as much as we use them to bring ourselves down by dismissing the compliment and the person delivering it?
This is so true simplesimon888 – a refreshing perspective.
Great point simplesimon888. In that one action of dismissing a compliment, so much is being communicated. It just goes to show how much is going on in every interaction, if we care to take notice.
This is so true, ‘we are in turn dismissing the person complimenting us – and in fact telling them that what they are saying is not valid because we have a lack of self worth.’ I find that if I have seen something lovely in someone else and someone does not accept the compliment then it makes me go into doubt whether what I felt was true or not.
simplesimon888, that is a horrible thing to feel and it is what we have set ourselves up to feel and have in the world if we do not first absolutely confirm our own self worth and appreciate our gorgeous values each and every moment. Glory is natural.
Nailed it and this is the reason we all slink away from most things delivered to us.
Yes simplesimon888, and essentially shutting them down and out. A big ‘ouch’ when really felt.
I just read a blog about lack of self worth/self love that would complement this blog http://truthaboutsergebenhayon.com/2016/01/03/from-resisting-self-care-to-confirming-myself/comment-page-3/#comment-119686
We owe it to ourselves and each other to get to know, love and appreciate the unique strengths we naturally bring to all situations.
Great point simplesimon888 . . .’ dismissing the compliment – we are in turn dismissing the person complimenting us’. . . A point that reminds us that we are not a separate unit but rather a part of the whole. Everything we do affects everyone else.
That is so true simplesimon888 – to see it like you describe in your beautiful comment made it even more ridiculous to dismiss the complement. How is it possible that we forget about this important point?
Spot on simplesimon888, you’ve nailed it. For so long it was difficult for me to accept any type of compliment and would squirm in my own body and just run away; this was because my own lack of self-worth and would always think others were being nice or felt sorry for me and just wanted to make me feel better. Crazy!
It’s interesting that we are like this, even kids can find it hard to accept compliments. I always found it hard to accept a compliment, it was like my ears turned off and I couldn’t hear it or I would follow with something to dismiss it. I am learning now to stop and let it in.
I am learning that, when I am feeling resistant to accepting a compliment gracefully, then it is a reflection of where I am at in terms of self acceptance and self appreciation and a gentle reminder to open up and let people in.
Beautiful Carmel. It is awesome to see the connection between compliments and letting people in. Thank you.
Yes Leonne I agree, thank you Carmel for bringing the awareness to the connection between compliments and letting people in.
Yes, Leonne and Carmel, I am coming to realise how important it is to see the connection between compliments and letting people in. It feels absolutely awesome when I truly open up and let people in, something I was never able to do until recently. I held myself so tightly in protection. How freeing it is to open myself up to others.
Absolutely Carmel. True compliments are opportune moments to embrace our finer qualities.
Well said Dean.. The more I read this blog the more I wonder why we don’t call compliments confirmations..
And the funny thing is, I feel we are offered compliments from other people all of the time, but that sometimes we may be doubtful that this is happening simply because our ears are not attuned to accepting such healthy reflections of ourselves.
Agree Dean, it is those moments that stop us and allows us to bring appreciation and confirm our awesomeness and how this is felt by others around us.
We are all such beautiful people despite at times the overwhelming issues or at least they seem that way..
That is my experience too Carmel, that if I have any self doubt or having been appreciating myself then I can’t fully accept the love another is offering and its a reflection of needing to deepen the appreciation I have for myself so that the compliment is a confirmation of what I know and feel within myself.
True Carmel, when I love myself and confirm my beauty and amazingness it is much easier to love others too.
Yes, it’s great to join the dots Elizabeth. Being able to fully accept a compliment is a great marker for being able to let people in.
I can so relate to that Carmel, I am still working on being comfortable in accepting compliments, getting better all the time. But yes, it is a great reflection of where I am at in terms of self acceptance and self appreciation, something that I am really working on now. Much more acceptance and appreciation to be embodied yet, but gradually coming to see the awesomeness that is there within, and fully embody and live from and with that.
Love that Carmel. To look someome in the eye and say a simple thank you when they have paid me a compliment is beautiful. When I slip into that old habit of dismissal, it feels awful.
Me neither Elizabeth, this has brought yet another completely new take on accepting compliments.
This is brilliant Carmel and something I had not truly felt till very recently. When we stop and appreciate ourselves, it is only then that we can truly connect with another.
That’s a lovely point Carmel, and I must say I’ve clocked that one myself. When someone compliments me and there is this instant thought that I’m not doing that well, I know there’s something going on. Yesterday I had the total opposite experience as one of my clients told me he liked my way of working and I said I do too, without hesitation.
I for most of my life never really let anyone in, my wall I had built took care of that to the point of it being an autonomic reflex. Compliments were given only when someone was looking for a favor or something from me. By removing my walls, accepting compliments and allowing people in has been a package deal.
This is great to acknowledge Carmel, that by not accepting a compliment we are not letting people in. By saying no we are keeping oursleves hard and cold to anothers appreciation of who we are.
Thank you Carmel for your reminder here. Yes, I too will be closely looking at any resistance to accepting a compliment with grace in future. I am finding it easier now to accept a compliment, but there comes the times when I know there is a resistance there. I now see how important it is for me to really look at those occasions, yes, it is a great reflection “of where I am at in terms of self acceptance and self appreciation and a gentle reminder to open up and let people in.” I know I have improved in this regard, but much more need for me to open up and let people in.
I only can agree to what you have so beautiful written Carmel and this is also such a good reminder for me – wunderbar.
I had not made that connection either, but now when stated so clearly, I can see and feel it, and so it offers the opportunity to be aware around it and observe how it feels to truly receive a compliment and the opening that this then creates to allow the other truly in as well.
I have learnt to see compliments as a reflection for me, kind of like a reminder: am I appreciating myself as well? So now I smile when someone gives me a compliment.
I love the simplicity of what you have presented Elizabeth.
“…it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” This is so true Nicole, and this is what I feel is so confronting about a compliment – that another has seen a quality in us that we have not fully accepted within ourselves. I am working on accepting all that I am and therefore when I receive a compliment it is a confirmation of that which I already know to be true.
When appreciation is a part of our every day, we value ourselves and this is naturally felt by others and compliments come naturally as a confirmation of the appreciation we give to ourselves. When there is no need to be appreciated, there is no need for confirmation, no surprise when compliments are shared, and no void to let in any doubts of not deserving. Appreciate. Appreciate. Appreciate.
Thank you for sharing Adele, as we are able to appreciate ourselves and when appreciation is part of our every day we can also easily accept the compliments of others as they do confirm that what we already have appreciated ourselves. We deserve to get compliments as compliments do build the qualities we hold and inspire us to express these more in all that we are.
I have found lately Adele, that the more I appreciate myself the more compliments I get. It’s not that I am looking for compliments, but it is just that I feel great so why hold back?
I have held back my light for so long, and although this is work in progress, my body is yearning to reflect it’s light to others so they can feel it in themselves too. That’s what it is all about isn’t it, a love shared.
Beautiful sandrahenden. The true power of appreciation going round and round.
This is gorgeous to read sandrahenden. I love to feel another in their full glory, not only because it is beautiful to see and appreciate them, but also because I can feel the pull in my body to accept and live that way for myself too. It is truly inspirational and supportive.
That makes sense Francisco. If we really appreciate ourselves we then need to live this consistently in our day to day.
This is a fresh perspective Elizabeth, that taking responsibility for our choices can even mean appreciating and confirming our choices which have got us here.
Thank you Nicole, this is an awesome sharing! it is lovely to receive a compliment from another and get self out of the way and see it as a confirmation of who we all are.
I find a good way to begin to accept a compliment from another is to start to compliment myself, playfully and lovingly in the front of the mirror, and to nip any negative or derogatory thoughts creeping in, in the bud by acknowledging the woman I am, because I know who I am and I am not those horrid creepy thoughts…. I am much more than that, as are we all.
Great way to go Sandrahenden!
You are so right Francisco getting self out of the way is a major factor, why else would a compliment not be accepted and appreciated. We are our own worst enemies at times. I have struggled and felt uncomfortable with many compliments but like many other things that has to change.
That is beautiful Francisco, ‘ it is lovely to receive a compliment from another and get self out of the way and see it as a confirmation of who we all are.’ I had never seen compliments this way and always thought they are very personal, but what we are being complimented on is something divine that we all share, it is not exclusive to just a few of us.
It is easier to dismiss a compliment about self than to fully appreciate and confirm that which is within us in a consistent way so we can live it and reflect to all.
I have found it so hard during my life to accept compliments, always brushing them off and feeling unworthy. Now at least, I can say thank you and feel to claim a little more that what I’d being shared is true. You raise an interesting point Nicole, that maybe when I am complimented that what is being said I have not taken the time to really accept, that this is indeed me.
Our world has become so upside down. We are afraid to touch others, in case they consider it sexual some way, we cannot hear another celebrate our beauty without thinking they want something from us in some way. Herein lies the harm of us living in hiding – we become scared of our natural expression. Beautiful then Nicole to reclaim how absolutely worth championing we are. Thank you for this blog that compliments us all.
So well expressed Joseph. If we connect to our true truth and naturally express we will not be afraid of giving or receiving a compliment or reaching out to touch someone’s arm. there is an old saying, ‘She/He who speaks truth sleeps well at night.’
I recall that when I had very low self worth when I was younger I would not only brush off compliments but I would even challenge them and say oh no that’s not true or put myself down instead to totally reject the compliment. In fact this was common for young girls to do this with each other and if someone actually said ‘thank you’ and stood tall and agreed with a compliment they were seen as stuck up or arrogant. Reading this blog I see that defending compliments like this is even more crushing of self worth and tells one self to not allow thoughts or inner feelings of self appreciation. This can be crushing for life, but fortunately Universal Medicine have inspired another way forth to develop and claim self worth and that we are amazing and deserve every compliment under the sun!
I find it fascinating that we can find it so hard, nearly impossible to accept and surrender to someone’s appreciation of you. There are so many different elements as you have shared Nicole. It does always come back to us and how we have developed this relationship with ourselves first. Also if someone is complimenting you from a place of comparison or jealous then this has been something that I would have gone into reaction over. These days it maybe we’ll have the case that this is what is going on but I can sense the they are actually connecting to the deep connected woman that I am and they can sense that they have this too. Here is another place to celebrate our relationships with each other as we can and do reflect so much to each other.
Compliments were always like when I drank coffee and was asked if it was one or two lumps of sugar? It had no real substance and just filled with empty calories. It was just others being nice or trying to butter me up because they wanted something! Protection from our hurts really shut us down from feeling anything other than suspicion from others. Life with out walls is like re-learning to feel the everything… and compliments are just confirmation that we are back.
I have noticed over the years how the compliments I give now have changed, they have deepened.
I have noticed this too Abby, ‘I have noticed over the years how the compliments I give now have changed, they have deepened.’ I used to actually not be able to give compliments at all, i can feel how this was because I was in so much self doubt that I could not see anything lovely in myself and so could not see anything lovely in another, but now i am much more confident in myself and can see and feel my own beauty, it is now much easier to see and feel this beauty in others, and so I find that my compliments now flow and feel very true and are delivered with a real confidence and knowing.
Love this Abby, and I have also noticed this, expressing to another what I appreciate about them is much more natural now.
‘What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more’ – absolutely Nicole – the truth can be felt and today every acknowledgement of the beauty of another I share, I will also claim for myself, for we are all ‘in truth’ the same deeply so. Thanks Nicole for triggering this opportunity to claim more of me.
I’ve found when someone gives me a compliment it is hard to accept because it jars up against the self-judgment and criticism that runs on constant self-looping play. Becoming aware of the absolute hold this has and how it affects everything in my day, is a great first step but more importantly is to understand why I would choose this deeply destructive way of being. This is a work in progress and not through thinking differently, but by living differently, through living in a way that confirms and appreciates and honours, the connection to myself is felt more strongly, and able to be lived. and it is from that point of connection that I can start to feel why I would choose the constant self-put down, and setting up situations to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel a compliment is often a bridge the person is extending to reach another, they may have felt strongly to connect and will use a compliment as the means to start a conversation, if we dismiss or brush it off we are not feeling the real reason a person felt to take a moment to reach out. It’s a moment to honour each other.
I also feel that a compliment can be a bridge to connect and it is a confirmation that we are originally coming from love and are equally beauty-full.
Great point Brendan, knowing, accepting and appreciating the qualities that we bring builds love for ourselves.
If I do not lay a foundation of self-acceptance and appreciation then a compliment has no foundation to arrive onto and just slips off and away – a missed opportunity for a confirmation of me and appreciation of another for noticing and sharing.
So true Matilda- if there is no foundation of self acceptance and self appreciation then when a compliment is given it is brushed away and a indeed a missed opportunity for the person to feel a deeper connection with themselves.
I was just feeling this too, that acceptance, appreciation and confirmation feel to be a complete package.
Great insight Matilda, and makes so much sense. Through confirming the truth of who we truly are, and appreciating this, allows a greater expansion and acceptance of that truth.
I am learning too that not accepting a compliment is another way to continue the self-destructive criticism that keeps us down and unable to shine fully in the beauty of who we naturally are. In a sense it is a form of irresponsibility, and there is a darkness to it, to not be all of ourselves that another may too know themselves.
Well said Matilda, the more we accept the grandness of who we are the easier and more natural is to receive compliments from another as it is a confirmation and true expression of all.
Through sincere compliments we assist each other to return to the love that we are by offering a point of reflection or a confirmation of what they already know to be true. Through complimenting we offer love and it is then for the other person to be open to receiving love. Indeed the exchange of a compliment can be a way of stepping that little bit closer to heaven.
Donna that’s it ! Just a step toward knowing ourselves and deepening our acceptance and appreciation. It’s not about what is complimented on but the connection felt and they have honoured their feelings by expressing, so dismissing is shutting down another’s felt expression and reflection. It stops the flow of connection and evolution and “a little bit of heaven.”
Love this Donna, the compliment can arise both equally to a greater point of love.
So true Donna – it is so important to reflect to each other what we are – love, instead of trying to find an error in the other person. That doesn’t make sense at all.
This blog keeps coming back to me .. meaning it covers so many things. Just now I was reminded of something how I used to base my worth (or lack of it) on what others thought of me instead of claiming what I am worth. For instance if someone said to me you can’t do that job or why do you want a car, or how can you afford to go on holiday or why do you need a double bed on a very subtle level this affected me because I felt I had to justify myself and it was a person saying to me I am not worth feeling or being supported or listening and acting to what my heart is saying. This is really healing for me to nominate. But coming back to your blog about compliments it made me think, how much do we rely on others to validate our self worth for ourselves? Even subconsciously, instead of automatically doing this for ourselves. So yes i agree it is really lovely to both give and receive compliments but when we look underneath all of this maybe it is asking us what is our relationship with ourselves? How much do we truly love ourselves?
I really do make compliments myself quiet often and I love it to tell someone, how and that I receive her or his beauty. Basically I love to realize the various different forms of expressing beauty within different people. I love the magic of someone opening up through a compliment to her or his own beauty more and how this is able to offer a deeper level of connection to oneself and each other. Therefore, I am working on also to be open to let compliments in. Interesting is for me to realize and learn the difference between a true compliment from the heart with no expectation and intent, and a false compliment that is just a means to an end. As well as I am making or receiving a compliment.
This is a good one Nicole because like you, myself, and a lot of other people would reel in astonishment when someone pays us a compliment. It is like we thought we were hiding successfully and nobody noticed us. When we receive a compliment for just being who we are we don’t think that is special or that it means anything to someone else, but when our natural loving personal quality shines through others can’t help but feel it and when they nominate it is very loving to accept the compliment in the gracious way you described Nicole.
We are often surprised by compliments but that is only because we do not walk around in the full glory of ourselves and in full appreciation of our magnificence. If we did we would not be surprised when someone notices it and reflects it back to us.
This is very true Elizabeth as when I have really appreciated myself and am allowing that loving expression out, someone even asked me once, had I met a man as I looked like I was in love, and I said, I’m just enjoying being me.
Appreciation. Appreciation. Appreciation. And this is not just a nice bit of icing on the cake. This is a real responsibility that starts at home (with our appreciation of ourselves) and then totally naturally extends to others and life. It is a foundation for our evolution and understanding that we are in this together, beautifully so.
Thank you Nicole. It is lovely to be reminded to reflect on what compliments bring up for me. Today I have felt that compliments ask me to accept responsibility for the choices I make. Thus when I accept a compliment I am accepting responsibility to continually evolve and deepen the gorgeous truth of who I am. My refusal to fully accept compliments makes total sense to me now.
I have often felt uncomfortable in receiving a compliment so resort to feigning humbleness. Playing myself down is a way to try and not make someone feel less. But there is a huge arrogance there because I have judged another to be less. But if I’m trying to control them, who is actually feeling less? Could it be that in the twisted roundabout way that the spirit likes to play its games, the compliment we brush off is an arrogance playing out? It’s basically saying “oh I’m too evolved and humble to accept that compliment.” Perhaps the discomfort arises from not taking responsibility to actually live our super amazing awesomeness.
I relate to your sharing Jinya,I would play small in the past and brush off any compliment that was given to me feeling a bit “humble ” about it but that was the illusion as I didn’t want to take responsibility of embodying and walking who I am and reflecting that to others.
Nicole, your last line says such a lot “…it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!” – brush offs and disbelief aside, to see and accept yourself in your true quality, is indeed the loveliest honour of yourself.
What I am coming to realise more and more is that ‘everything is something’, therefore if I can’t accept a compliment then this is showing up something in me for me to look at. Nothing is nothing because if there is nothing then this is something. If there is no reaction in me then this is also showing me something.
Susan I love the simplicity and truth in what you have shared ‘I have found that when I fully accept a compliment, the other person receives that reflection too, we both enjoy that moment because it is then shared’.
There is nothing more joyous than seeing that glowing reflection reflecting back to us when a compliment is shared.
I love your blog Nicole. It simple means then, by accepting and appreciating ourselves we can then accept and appreciate other’s compliments to us instead of brushing them off or justifying them (as I did) because I didn’t feel deserving of the compliment, or worse still, like you shared, they were just being polite. Recently I have allowed myself to say ‘thank-you’ when I receive a compliment because I know they are right, I am gorgeous !! 😉
Yes you are.
How amazing to feel the learning on offer when you keep the space open after having received a compliment rather than closing or filling the space with a brush off, excuse or explanation. Thank you, Nicole.
Brushing off a compliment is a dishonouring of ourselves and how grand we are. I know I would feel hurt if someone brushed off a compliment I had made, and hurt for them because they couldn’t accept it – and what would hurt me more would be the fact that they can’t feel their own amazingness. No explanations necessary, accepting a compliment is accepting ourselves, and the fact that we are amazing.
This is very true Sandra, ‘accepting a compliment is accepting ourselves, and the fact that we are amazing.’ I am now becoming more able to accept compliments as my confidence in myself has grown, i used to cringe and feel really awkward when someone gave me a compliment and did not believe it, now more and more I enjoy what is being shared and feel the truth in it.
The correlation between accepting other’s compliments and truly feeling one’s own inner beauty and what they bring the world makes a lot of sense to me. I have noticed how both myself and other people do not always accept compliments very well, and tend to explain them away or make them sound small, but I also know that when I take the time to appreciate something about myself (not what I do, but something innate in me) on a daily basis, it has slowly built my own self-worth and confidence. You don’t even have to wait for another’s compliment to practice this, obviously, but it can really help accept them when they do come around. Confirmation from within is the most powerful, I feel.
I love this michaelgoodhart36 – slowly building your own self confidence through small, regular moments of appreciation sounds like a great foundation to build. As you say we don’t actually have to wait for others to compliment us, which is what a lot of people do – feel super great when someone else tells them they look nice or did something kind, but remain feeling not-so worthy when no one gives them any compliments.
Nicole, I know exactly what you are describing about not letting a compliment in or even deflecting it in one way or another, so what I really love is that you are not letting yourself get away with this anymore. It shows me how silly we can be; we get so hurt when others brush us off but make it okay to brush ourselves off. A compliment can now be an opportunity to pause and give it some space to settle in the body – thank you Nicole.
‘we get so hurt when others brush us off but make it okay to brush ourselves off’ ….. just love what you share here, Deanne. That’s so true and for me it shows what a deep level of disregard I have had for myself. If not, I wouldn’t have been able to be so dismissive when others have complimented me. I am definitely much better than I used to be, but there’s still a lot of room for more self-love and self-appreciation.
We have become champions of deflecting compliments, brushing them off, or even countering the compliment with something self-deprecating. It is like if someone notices then we have a responsibility to live that way all the time, and we want to avoid this responsibility. If we instead spent that energy in merely accepting the comments on offer we can feel our own love.
“What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” Yes Nicole this has been something I would quickly shrug off or move on to another topic of conversation. But what I now realise is that I was capping myself and the complimenter all in one go. To be able to take a moment and truly feel a compliment being shared brings a new level of intimacy and appreciation for all.
I agree Kelly, when you have lived so far from this way of being with yourself and others it really does take a while for this process to develop where you can honestly say that ‘I appreciate me’ and yet it is a beautiful way to live and something for each and every human being in the world.
Well said Kelly, and interesting point – by dismissing the compliment it actually has an effect on the complimenter as well as ourselves; we shut them off, and create a barrier to cut off intimacy, appreciation and connection.
Ouch! But very, very true Susie! I remember when I first heard that – it changed everything for me when I realised the effect it was having on the person complimenting me. You can see it on their face as the walls go up and everyone turns in opposite directions to deal with the awkwardness… Its so divisive.
Divisive is a great word Donna. By reacting to the compliment, or anything anyone says in a situation, we are actually negatively inspiring them to lock-down, trigger the walls to go up and contract. All the while we think we are just making a small justification for why the compliment or comment isn’t true!
This is really beautifully and powerfully said. ‘To be able to take a moment and truly feel a compliment being shared brings a new level of intimacy and appreciation for all.’ Being open to one another is the key to relationships and understanding that we are all in life together.
Wow that’s a great observation Kelly. We actually cut ourselves off, and we also dismiss and cut off the person offering us what they feel also.
Quite Rude actually!
Absolutely Kelly. Un-expressed love is a great hurt we carry. How truly amazing it is to not shrug off these moments, and embrace more intimacy and connection.
Love how you have put this Harry: ‘How truly amazing it is to not shrug off these moments, and embrace more intimacy and connection’. It is that momentary split second when you can choose to deepen and feel the intimacy and love! More and more each day I am allowing that to happen – in many situations where I just want to ‘get this done’ or ‘that done’ but instead surrender to love.
Yes, there is always an opportunity to deepen our relationship to ourselves and to others. It feels awesome to really connect to another person and to feel the intimacy in such a situation.
Some culture puts modesty and humbleness as virtuous, and one gets brought up to take compliments only by the half measure and use it as an encouragement to strive even more while there’s constant reminder ‘you are never good enough’ – so the compliments become a sign of approval, recognition, rather than confirmation of what we already know as true; and at the same time the ‘compliments’ can come with the energy of manipulation or even jealousy – therefore we miss out on what could possibly be a beautiful exchange of acknowledgement.
After reading your blog the next day it dawned on me, how often do we compliment ourselves? For example when I am getting ready and look in the mirror I am like ‘yeah that will do’ or ‘that’s okay’ I am never OMG your eyes are so sparkly or you look beautiful today. So if we find it hard to give ourselves compliments of course it is going to be hard to accept them from others!
Maybe we should start our day in front of the mirror and look lovingly into those sparkly eyes and say ” I love you, you are gorgeous….”, accept the compliment and take it out to our day.
What is really lovely sandrahenden is after consciously seeing this after reading this blog and then expressing, today when I looked in the mirror I saw how gorgeous my eyes were, no emotion, no attachment, no bigging up myself just simply but true appreciation it was really lovely 💕
It really is funny the way we try and discard compliments when this is part of our appreciation and love of who we are and people genuinely love giving compliments and it feels beautiful honouring ourselves and others. Learning to accept the love we all are is an amazing journey and one well worth doing.
The more I get to know myself, the more compliments and confirmations I feel from others.
Well said Abby, life is a constant confirmation and compliment when we love ourselves and see this reflection in everybody else. That way love is lived naturally.
Life is like a hall of mirrors, there are reflections everywhere. If we choose to be glum, that’s what we get. If we choose to be bright, sparkly, open and loving, we get more of that. Living our love in the natural way is a surrendering to the what is (Love), instead of indulging in the what is not (not Love).
I can relate to that Abby, the more I appreciate myself and deepen my love for myself, the more I get this confirmation from others. Everything in life is a beautiful reflection.
Great reflection Abby that is so very true, as I let go of needing to be and simply be me the true and natural confirmations are deeply felt.
Why is it so hard to accept, really accept a compliment? A wise person once said to me that it is harder to accept our grandness than our imperfections. This could be true!
I would say they are great words of wisdom there “that it is harder to accept our grandness than our imperfections”, so many of us, if not all have been living in the world hiding our grandness in the fear of rejection. It’s time we started to show this grandness to the world.
This is crazy! It makes more sense that our imperfections would encourage rejection, but it is our grandness that we fear showing people the most for fear of rejection. It is crazy that we are more comfortable with our imperfections. Accepting a compliment means that we have to acknowledge the beauty that someone else has seen in us. Perhaps this is why we find it so hard, because we have already rejected this in ourselves.
It is so hard because the compliment then becomes our base, not just a peak we occasionally scale and that is scary. However, it is quite easy to do.
Very true Rachelmurtagh1, it really does not make sense yet we do it everyday! Could it be that we are being fed and, have accepted an energy that is not us? I would agree with that.
Being willing to stop and accept the love and appreciation of another is something very worth developing. As is letting out the appreciation and love we feel for others, and for ourselves. Each one builds the other.
Helen I love the symbiotic relationship that you share here. It’s not simply one way but a constant two way deepening of expressing love, allowing love, expressing appreciation and accepting the depth of appreciation that others hold us with.
Beautifully said Helen – “Each one builds the other” – neither is more or less important.
‘Each one builds on the other’ beautifully expressed Helen. Stopping to truly feel the compliment, before responding is key and a marker of how often we truly stop to feel what is being said at any given time. Expressing our appreciation of others must also flow from true depth of feeling
I love this Helen.
A world where we are always supporting and building each other to be more of the beautiful things we are sounds like a really intelligent way to go about things – as opposed to a world where we are continuously tearing each other down.
And all it needs is a bit or practise … what’s great about me, what I love about you, and not only at Christmas time either – that’s leaving it all too late. Every day is the way!
What I realize more and more is that the stop is so crucial – in so many situations. Do I take the time to feel or do I allow the mind to override everything that is there to feel ?
It doesn’t even make sense to brush off compliments, but it happens all over the world regardless of culture. It really comes down to the responsibility of accepting one’s grandness so that when compliments arise, we are as unaffected by them as we would be if we did not receive one or even get criticised instead.
It’s true that we can be as affected by a compliment as we are when we are criticised. Both come from somewhere else other than our own sense of ourselves. All the more reason to build a solid sense of self so we are less affected by what is thrown at us, be it complimentary or otherwise.
I find the more I allow myself to express compliments that are impulsed by my natural way, the more I am able to accept compliments in the love they are expressed.
Simple and beautiful Nicole, I have observed myself doing the same thing, dismissing the real meaning of compliments. Great to point it out and start to really feel the communication from others.
I like what you said Nicole about someone else noticing something I choose to ignore. It has made me consider this more deeply than I first realised.
I love this point too, Matthew, realising that because I do not accept and appreciate myself in full, there is a whole lot about me that I do not ‘see’. How great a support it is then to start hearing and letting in other people’s compliments. Many times this has been the catalyst for me to build appreciation for myself.
I like this too Matthew, ‘I like what you said Nicole about someone else noticing something I choose to ignore’, I have received compliments from a very open and expressive friend of mine, at first what she said was something that I did not see in myself at all, but rather than dismiss it I pondered on what she had complimented me on and I could feel that it was true and that it was a very lovely quality that I have, but because I have had a tendency to hold myself as less than others it was something that I had not allowed myself to feel and claim previously. I can feel how it is important that we express to each other truthfully what we see and feel in them because they may be choosing to ignore their amazing qualities too.
This is lovely Rebecca, what I really love is where you have said ‘I can feel how it is important that we express to each other truthfully’. Truthfully being the key word here as many things can be said to another superficially, or for wanting to please or be liked; but when we really do absolutely appreciate something about another this allows a whole other level of acceptance and appreciation for them and ourselves to happen.
Receiving a compliment and really letting it in can expose all sorts of things. Like today I realised that I was watering down a compliment because I couldn’t quite believe what the other person was saying about me, and then I noticed that I tend to automatically fend off the compliment by thinking the other person is exaggerating or they are just being over generous. And then it was well, what if I let it in and it turns out they are wrong and . . . there’s another trust issue raising it’s ugly head. Definitely more work on self appreciation needed.
Oh Josephine, I know that pattern of thought descent so well! Like you I am practicing keeping aware when complimented and watching what comes up. Interesting!
This conversation goes deep and Nicole it’s time for this subject to be felt and shared. I recognise all the ways in which we reject or minimise ourselves by not accepting a compliment fully. One I recognise well is returning a compliment in response to one given, because it deflects attention away from self and because of this not truly given. it’s helpful to really feel into why one chooses this response, when all that is needed is feel into it, accept the compliment and say Thank you’
This is very honest Josephine and shows how ridiculous it is why we don’t feel comfortable with compliments.
It is similar for me Nicole. When I receive a compliment I have a choice to just feel and appreciate what I hear or I can immediately feel all the parts of me that are not part of this compliment. It is my choice.
I like what you have shared here Christoph as we always have areas that are strong and areas that need work in our lives.
So true Christoph, I love how you simplify things. Its simply a choice as to where I put my attention in that moment.
That is a great thing to do when I receive a compliment, checking which parts of me are not part of the compliment. Thank you Christoph.
What you share Nicole sounds very familiar to me. For me it was always difficult to accept a compliment. As you say, normally I would go into justification or tell a mini-story to explain, why am I so gorgeous today. Thanks for reminding me – that all I have to do is, to stop and to feel the appreciation in my body. That’s it.
Yes me too Alexander I would always go into a justification as well but the other day someone paid me a compliment and I found myself accepting it and saying “Thank you” and sharing that I that was how I was feeling too and it made us both laugh. It is a beautiful way to connect with each other when we are able to accept the love that is offered to us.
Very sad indeed Mary and it just exposes the amount of force we have to use to counter the Love that we are in truth. We must be really awesome eh!?
Nicole, I love re-reading this article, what stands out for me this time is, ‘At times it makes me feel a little awkward, uncomfortable, almost as if I am not deserving of that level of attention from another.’ After reading this article I have realised that if someone pays me a compliment then I turn it around so the focus is on the person giving the compliment, I compliment them back to take the attention and focus away from me – very interesting to observe, I am experimenting with allowing myself to really feel the compliment and feel how what is being said may be true and to allow myself to feel this truth, when I do this it is very confirming.
Yes, it so different when we allow ourselves to accept and feel a compliment. Since reading this blog a few days ago I have been doing that and finding it, as you say Rebecca, very confirming. This has been a great gift Nicole, thank you.
I used to do that a lot Rebecca and sometimes I still do. I remember even a woman commenting on this when she thanked me for the support I gave her and I instantly told her to thank herself. She literally asked me why I didn’t accept the compliment. When I now feel into that moment and let it in, I can feel how there’s such unity if I allow it in. As well as joy. By not accepting the compliment I stop the flow of otherwise loving energy. So there’s even a responsibility in it…
There is a responsibility to not be less than who we are, the definition of being a human being.
I will pay attention to this in the future Floris making sure to accept the compliment/attention and not instantly making it about the other person.
I do this too Rebecca. Compliments often make me feel as though someone has given me a gorgeous gift and must give one back in return. I actually feel a sense of panic when this happens sometimes as I am afraid that the ‘gift’ I give back will not be as lovely as the gift I was given. I can now see this for the crazy game it is. As Nicole says, the ultimate compliment is “to truly see and accept myself for who I am”.
I can totally relate to what you have written here Leonne: the feeling that you need to give something back in return for the compliment. I am slowly learning to simply and graciously accept the compliment and that if I try to offer anything in return that it has the effect of diminishing what I have been so lovingly given.
Well said Leonne. I sometimes find myself automatically in the ‘give back’ totally avoiding the moments of grace that allows me to accept a compliment.
I caught myself as well, that the moment somebody compliments me, I return the compliment – as a form of “I can’t accept your compliment”. In the future I will feel the compliment in my body and I will just say “thank you”.
Yes I have observed the turning the compliment around very much lately – thinking it would be selfish to just say thank you and feel it. I can now see it is also a mechanism for me to not feel what the other has shared with me. Great to become aware of.
I have done this too Rebecca. Creating a diversion so I don’t feel the it, however more recently its been confirming to just allow it in and to feel the truth of the compliment.
Yes, today I got given a compliment and my instant reaction was to give it back, and belittle it by explaining it away – why did I feel so uncomfortable? because I thought others may be jealous and that I would have to live up to it and I couldn’t possibly have that consistency to keep it relevant. Great to reflect and accept the work I put in that the compliment referred to.
This is a great point you raise Karin as it bring to the fore a deeper reason why people shy away from receiving compliments. Having to live up-to what has been shared is something I can relate to however feeling the depth that is presented when a true compliment is given gives us an opportunity to really see and feel what is in the way for us from living this to our maximum and therefore another opportunity arises that shows us the steps required to claim this as us. It is the steps required that I have experienced that have held me and others back and so this is the area I am now currently working on.
Isn’t it crazy all the things that come up for people in just receiving a compliment! Like you have mentioned .. jealousy, belittling ourselves, brushing it off .. so many excuses not to claim, feel and accept what has been acknowledged and seen in us by another person.
This is such a great point that when I look back I used to do and still do occasionally. To immediately give back a compliment so the other person feels better and at the same time brushing off the attention that I have been given in the compliment. Now it feels amazing to stop and appreciate the other person expressing how they feel and feeling the quality that they are seeing in me inside of me too.
So interesting Rebecca…we all seem to have different ways of deflecting or not fully accepting a compliment. It is so interesting that this is so hard and reflects that often we are our own worst critics.
I know Lee,
How hard is it to simply stand there – look the person in the eyes and simply say ” thank you”.?
And yet we have a million ways of playing ourselves down or deflecting the beauty that has been offered to us by someone.
It’s quite absurd!
Great that you’re letting the compliments in Nicole. I too found this quite difficult for a long time and would always give an excuse for my ‘gorgeous hair’ or ‘gorgeous outfit’ but now, like yourself, I’m celebrating myself more and allowing an acceptance of the compliments. I’ve noticed that when I compliment another and they brush it off then that leaves me feeling a bit sad so it’s good to see both sides.
I have experienced this also Shellyjones44, both sides and it is a learning on both side to accept ourselves and the compliment and also others and their timing of when they will accept themselves. It just goes to show how important it is to reflect to others that receiving a compliment is ok and that it is actually part of life.
Yes, it’s so important to reflect to others that receiving a compliment is ok. The ‘brush off’ or the putting down of oneself has become the norm. How refreshing to break that by simply receiving the compliment and saying ‘thank you’.
I agree aminatumi, it is very important to reflect to others that receiving a compliment is ok. It only takes one person to show a different way and others will follow.
I agree it is important to reflect to others that it is ok and normal to accept compliments rather than putting oneself down or brushing it off.
Yes, true compliments are a beautiful way of confirming one another in our essence. Appreciation can naturally be a part of everyday life and a purposeful part of being in relationship.
The ‘brushing off’ a compliment, as you point out Rebecca, can also be offending to the sender too, as I have experienced lately. I made compliment to someone and this person was not able to accept it just turned and went away. In the first moment I felt rejected and this was painful, but then I remembered the blog and could accept that the other sometimes cannot accept.
Great point aminatumi – giving and accepting a compliment is a great way to confirm one another and make it the most normal thing each day. I often feel it as part of intimacy as well as Romance which brings much joy and celebration to a relationship.
I also reminded by your blog as I am ever reminded at the moment, of the supreme importance of self appreciation, every single day at every opportunity.
Great point Nicole. I go into that mini story, justifying and filling in space with words. How gorgeous just to stop and feel it, receive it and let it be.
I have been on the receiving end of so called compliments when I have felt an ulterior motive is at play. I have agreed with the words spoken and accept what is verbally expressed is true, however the ‘false compliment’ does not truly confirm or allow expansion in me because it did not come with love. Neither person evolves in that moment and now there is even more Prana on the planet. We have much responsibility when we open our mouths.
A compliment that comes with an ill intent is not a compliment but an energetic force and assault on the person receiving it, unless the receiver can read the ill intent in that moment, registers the energy, so it does not enter and harm.
Truly appreciating our selves and each other, and valuing what we each have to offer, develops a harmonious way of living together and brings brotherhood.
“When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, that I may not have allowed myself to see.” This is a beautiful way to confirm, appreciate and value ourselves and what we each uniquely bring to the world – thank you for the inspiration Nicole.
I had a gorgeous interaction with a little older lady in the city a few weeks ago where a compliment resulted in a string of gorgeous interactions and what I can only describe as brotherhood amongst strangers. I was feeling really lovely this particular day and from behind me this lady said ‘I love your hair’. I was a bit surprised at the randomness of the compliment but I thanked her. We walked and chatted together for a few minutes and as the rain started to come down heavily, she struggled to put her umbrella up and so I helped her. As the rain was heavy, we both decided to go to the tram stop where everyone was huddled in. We talked and laughed with people at the tram stop in the huddle while we waited for the tram attempting to stay dry from the horizontal rain coming in. Once on the tram, I stood and the lady sat down. The tram jolted and as I flew backwards, 3 pairs of hands caught me to stop me from falling. When I got off the tram, I marvelled at the brotherhood I’d felt in those interactions and how it all came from one compliment that I let in.
It felt so natural the way it all just flowed Shirley-Ann…and you’re spot on, strangers are just people that we haven’t met before – all our friends, colleagues and partners started off this way.
When a sincere compliment is not received the complimenter is not received. It is so important to let others in and truly accept them and their expression.
Absolutely agree kathrynfortuna – “It is so important to let others in and truly accept them and their expression.”
From this day forward I am going to make a concerted effort to accept the beautiful compliment I sometimes get without shying away.
‘So compliments have now become my friend,’ This is beautiful Nicole. Allowing a compliment to wash away any lack of appreciation and bring to light the valued qualities that others feel in us. A sincere compliment is a genuine friend. 🙂 🙂
What a beautiful sharing on compliments, Nicole. Love is, when you feel “they are right” bringing a compliment to you! And in truth and honesty ready to accept the grace that you are. That’s accepting the all and the grand we all come from. And respecting myself for living a way so this amazingness can come through.
It was not very long ago for me that I found appreciating anything about myself almost impossible. My mind would go blank and I would think, I’ve absolutely no idea what I can appreciate about myself. I have come such a long way from that and am now able to at least acknowledge a compliment rather than dismissing it completely out of hand. But what you are presenting here Nicole takes it to a whole new level where by accepting a compliment in full we can reflect back to another that they too hold qualities that are worth appreciating.
Thanks Nicole, what you’ve shared is so important… very few of us are good at accepting compliments it seems… women especially seem to be masters at deflecting, rejecting, reinterpreting or denying what it is that another has offered. What l’ve discovered though in recent times as l’ve paid closer attention to my (in)ability to truly appreciate myself (and hence accept compliments), is how effect a tool it is to deny the power of who we are, that amazingness you mention… and once I saw it that way, realised I have a responsibility TO accept compliments, and let them in, otherwise I am choosing a lesser version of myself and bringing that to the world…
Yes Jenny, there is much responsibility in opening our mouths to speak or in this case offer a true compliment. There is equal responsibility in accepting it. Both parties benefit from the love given out and received.
Exactly Elizabeth, and I find I don’t even feel to offer a compliment if I am not appreciating myself… It’s quite a science really and one we navigate according to the level of expansion we choose… as l’m discovering!
Sharing a compliment with someone is a great way to express love and break down the walls of comparison and jealousy which seem to plague us.
This is very true Michelle, ‘Sharing a compliment with someone is a great way to express love and break down the walls of comparison and jealousy which seem to plague us.’ Since I have been appreciating myself more and have more confidence in myself I have found that I am now able to see qualities in others, i love to express these qualities that I see and as you very wisely point out Michelle this breaks down comparison and jealously.
Yes Michelle and rebeccawingrave, I agree, appreciation of ourselves and others is the antidote to jealousy and comparison.
I had a similar experience recently when shopping with a friend. I tried on a dress that was really stunning on me, it complimented my beauty and had me shining brighter. I had a thought immediately like when could I wear a dress like this? As if I could not give myself permission to possibly attract that much attention to myself. I was willing to go so far but no more. With this realisation and my friends encouragement I bought the dress. Like you Fiona I realise that a lot of the time I hide my beauty and my true self from the world.
Please don’t do that elainearthey. We need your absolute gorgeousness in the world right now, and the healing it offers through reflection. It is very clear to see and feel your immense beauty. Accept the attention you will bring.
I can relate to this very well Elaine. Every morning, when I decide, which shirt I should wear at work, I feel, when I choose this shirt – I attract a lot of attention, when I choose the other shirt, I don’t attract so much attention. That is huge – the level of my hiding gets exposed.
Compliments are great reflections or confirmations of how we are living. I go one step further back than a compliment and wonder why people look at me. These glances or looks are also compliments as our amazingness is shining so bright that it catches people’s eyes. Yet I go straight into ‘what’s wrong, why are they looking at me?’ I reject their compliment. I have felt this rejection when I have paid someone a compliment and they have brushed it off or couldn’t accept the amazingness I was offering back to them. It kind of felt like an ‘oh’ moment. What great awareness I now have when I receive a compliment.
I was observing a while ago how I did not at times fully let in and accept when I was appreciated for my dedication, commitment and the work I did at to certain events I was supporting. Noting this I realized I needed to appreciate myself, I put this in place and this supported me to change this pattern. The last time I was thanked and appreciated, with-out any hesitation from me, I said “yes, I did a great job, thank you” and I could feel how it was a confirmation of what I had already appreciated in myself.
Genuine compliments can bring up a lot for us. I used to feel uncomfortable with compliments and try to deflect attention away from myself as quickly as possible. Then I went through a stage where I could feel that what they were saying was true and it felt great to appreciate their comment and confirm what I had already felt in me. But I am finding there is still more being revealed by compliments. Recently wearing a new dress that attracted a lot of compliments, I felt shy again. I could feel some nervousness at the potential for jealousy and my desire to play the way I looked down. I could also feel how this dress did not let me stay in my well trodden path of hiding my beauty. Nicole, I love the way you have found a way to stop and feel the compliment and allow the appreciation to sink in.
Love what you present here Fiona; that the more we bring out in ourselves and express it (your example being your new dress), the more attention it attracts…giving us greater opportunity to appreciate ourselves more deeply each time.
I really feel that ‘potential for jealousy’ and how we play small to avoid it. Jealousy is a crushing force and plays a big part in our choice to avoid the appreciation of both self and others. We cannot stay crushed for ever and so choosing appreciation offers us the alternative way forth and I feel is a crucial step in our evolution.
It is very clear when my expression comes from truly loving and meeting another, that when they express back the same as a compliment, it is so easy to say, “yes”. Because it is not about me, it is about us and the reflection the other has accepted and claimed as being equally true for themselves.
This is all so very true Nicole. If we have yet to accept the full beauty that we are, we will not be able to accept when this beauty is confirmed by another. I find I am often surprised by compliments I receive but this element of surprise is simply an indication of the degree to which I haven’t allowed myself to feel all there is to feel about what it is I bring. That is, there is deeper I can go in appreciating myself. When I appreciate myself, the appreciation others express towards me is not so much a compliment but more a confirmation of that which I know to be gloriously true.
Yesterday my partner paid me a compliment and i immediately agreed and said yes i am. He was surprised that i fully let it in and even confirmed it and i shared with him i just read a blog about compliments 🙂
Letting in compliments can be challenging for many of us, and, as you say, Liane, that resistance can be a sign of the level of our own self acceptance. We do not need to depend on others for our good opinion of ourselves but it feels great to have it confirmed.
Yes Liane – if I haven’t accepted myself in full, a compliment can be a surprise to me, something I haven’t expected. And the moment I appreciate myself in full, another compliment is just a confirmation of what I already know and feel.
Glorious!
I can so relate Nicole, for me allowing a compliment to really sink in or not is a direct reflection of how much I can let love in.
‘how much I can let love in’. Love is connected with everything we do and at times we don’t even realise it is about love. It’s a great point you make Judith as some people when they receive a compliment dismiss it straight away by putting themselves down.
When we receive a compliment from another, it should be a confirmation of what we are already feeling and know about ourselves, someone acknowledging what we deeply appreciate about ourselves. We are then able to fully receive the compliment from another; this is very much a work in progress for me, as I re-learn to appreciate myself and the amazing life I have chosen.
Thomas what you have said is very interesting, ‘When we receive a compliment from another, it should be a confirmation of what we are already feeling and know about ourselves’. How often do we give compliments to another and witness that they are genuinely surprised by what is being shared, as if they are hearing it for the first time. What does it say about our relationship with ourselves if we learn something about ourself from another ?
“So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!” I love this Nichole, this is the “ultimate compliment”, when we stop and appreciate ourselves and all that we bring, in this we show others a reflection that this a healthy way to be, rather than putting ourselves down and criticizing ourselves.
It has taken a very long time for me to understand, accept, and be comfortable walking in how wonderful I am. It is the same for so many of us – we feel we should shrink a bit and play ourselves down so that we don’t stand out or make other people feel uncomfortable. When actually – allowing ourselves to walk tall and shine as bright as the stars is what inspires others to feel how wonderful they are.
Totally gorgeous.
Very well said simplesimon888. In a world where everyone gets waylaid into playing ‘less’, it helps to shine the All that we are so that in this reflection others can feel that they are also of this one true magnificent light
As I read this Liane I am reminded that we cannot help but reflect whatever is going on within us to others so we have a responsibility to reflect our magnificence otherwise no-one gets the reflection of anything different from what they know.
Totally gorgeous and totally true simplesimon888! Why hold back from walking tall and shining bright?
Absolutely thank you so much simplesimon88, that’s inspirational!
“What I am beginning to realize though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” I can very much relate to this Nicole, when people pay me compliment sometimes I feel it’s almost like it’s said about someone else, I can’t relate to or feel what they are saying, like I’m unaware or numb to the part of me they are complimenting, as I haven’t allowed myself to stop and feel that quality about myself.
For me sometimes a compliment can catch me off guard. For this person to give me the compliment they have noticed how amazing I am. When the compliment is delivered I can feel I have let my protective shields down. I’m so busy trying to put them back up that I overlook the glorious moment that was offered.
I agree Thomas if we are not appreciating and confirming the quality we live or the great work we do then we will not be able to accept the appreciation from another.
This is a really beautiful Blog Nicole.
And I really love the way your smile shines and sparkles like the world is totally beautiful as it should be! 🙂
I can relate to what you have said here Nicole as I have often brushed aside compliments given to me. By doing this I am minimising myself or something I have done, and not truly appreciating what others see in me. Such an unloving thing to be doing to oneself.
Totally agree Peter.This minimising ourselves feels like an age-old protective device against being hit with jealousy. Yesterday I wrote a letter of genuine appreciation to two women with whom I had spent an afternoon with. One of the women replied, rejecting the appreciation and compliment. and it actually felt abusive to be on the end of receiving that email. Obviously it is not something to take personally, but the force of it surprised me. What are we doing to each other!
Such an interesting topic Nicole and one I have too been looking at lately. There are some compliments that are very confirming for me, as I know that about myself and it’s easy to appreciate. The compliments that I’ve started to notice I fob off are the ones that I have judged myself as not being consistent with, which I can feel is a form of perfectionism. When I feel past this, I start to see the qualities they have shared more clearly.
So true Aimee, I also particularly have difficulties letting compliments in about things I feel I haven’t perfected yet and am still learning. I brush them off, as ‘ oh, they are just making that up’ or dismiss it in other ways.
Ah yes Judith, it’s like when we do this we are marking ourselves, but what are we sizing ourselves up against? And then what do we confirm to the other person when we dismiss what they have seen. Do we confirm that we are enough and learning is normal and natural or do we confirm we should be perfect and there is no room for growing?
Love your observation Aimee. I too dismiss compliments when I know I haven’t developed consistency or even knowingly sabotaged being me in that way. Writing this I understand that actually the compliment stands no matter how many other times I’ve sabotaged being me.
Accepting the compliment is a great step to claiming this is me. I then can choose being me more consistently and look at what supports me to be so, but actually I can never take me away from me no matter how much other stuff I put in the way!
Super important point Karin “Accepting the compliment is a great step to claiming this is me.” And by accepting the compliment we are also confirming what is not us, the sabotage or lack of consistency. Thank you Karin.
“..The compliments that I’ve started to notice I fob off are the ones that I have judged myself as not being consistent with..” I can relate to that statement very deeply, Aimee. It is a huge step in love to allow myself to accept my imperfection. And let the compliments in. World changing to feel how lovingly I can hold myself without the judgement.
What I have also found is that the more I am able to accept compliments the more I am open to giving them as well, having fun with appreciating myself and the people around me.
I’m giving more compliments too. When I see someone that makes me stop and go wow I want to reflect this ‘wow’ back to them.
Great big reflections of amazingness!
I have seen many times where someone has paid a compliment and the person receiving it is unable to say anything. This surprised me as I was always taught to say thank you when I received a compliment, rather than dismissing it or ignoring it. But I love what you have written here because even though I said thank you, I am not sure that I really connected with what was being said and appreciated it.
It feels like a polite way to respond to a compliment but as you say it doesn’t mean you let the compliment in Nicole.
It’s interesting that there is often an automatic reaction in people to play down a compliment, which I have seen in myself and so many others around me. It’s almost as if it’s more socially acceptable to not accept the compliment and give some reasoning for it, instead of truly appreciating the compliment in ourselves, because that would be regarded as being big-headed.
If we live disregarding ourselves we are not truly able to appreciate others because comparison is a big one then which we put in the way. Once we learn to appreciate ourselves deeper we are able to see others as an inspiration they are and then “compliments” are most natural to express.
So true, lack of appreciation leads to comparison, which simply is the missing of something in ourselves that we see in someone else. But if we do not allow love and appreciation in, then we will be forever missing out on the stupendous being that we are.
Yes Janina, it is only when we accept and appreciate the Love that we are that we can express it and be the reflection of the Love that everyone is equally. Well said.
It is so easy to accept a compliment with a quick ‘thanks’, which is what I often do, but what is actually happening in these occasions is that I am brushing it off. I may have well just said ‘whatever’. So what a great inspiration to feel the compliment in my body and then truly thank the person instead of awkwardly changing the topic. Thank you Nicole.
I feel that ‘thanks’ you speak of Eleanor and yes it can be ‘whatever’ or ‘so’ – there’s such a dismissal in it and a feeling of not wanting to truly meet and feel what is said, to embrace. I know I can easily do this, and now i’m learning more and more to just let them sink in a little more, to even be honest about the fact that I might not be comfortable receiving a compliment but it feels more real and with more willingness to engage. I love this blog Nicole has written and how it can turn that compliment into a reflection for us to see and feel how we are.
Compliments can be at times confirmations and at times reminder of our beauty.
This is true Janina, and complimenting ourselves is normal.
To compliment myself was something I had to learn coming from a way of living with strong disregard and lack of self worth. Now to look at myself with appreciation is beautiful and it becomes normal as you say aminatumi.
So true Janina – and when we see the beauty in others, we confirm our own beauty, then a true reflection is happening.
“So compliments have now become my friend…” Once we can really let compliments in that means that we appreciate and love ourselves.
It is a true wonder to feel and appreciate the beauty that we are and that others may see but we are yet to know of ourselves. Compliments are a great way ‘in’ to get to know all that we truly are.
I love that approach, to actually accept compliments to get to know myself truly.
Truly accepting compliments are a way of letting another in.
To feel someone accept in full my compliment of them is in itself a compliment to me, how could I ever dismiss one I receive and rob them of theirs?
If we don’t accept or we dismiss a compliment from someone, if it is a true compliment, then it shuts the door on the interaction which could be very well be a great moment between two people, an evolving moment for all.
..exactly matthew, and the gift missed.
When lovingly given and graciously received it is a true sharing of love that completes.
If the compliment is honest and truthful then it is a small pocket of love, so yes ‘how could I ever dismiss one I receive and rob them of theirs?’
The more I read the comments the more I accept the same message. Love and appreciate yourself or else you will never be able to take a compliment from another person. God himself could stand next to me and tell me how great I am but if don’t appreciate my unique beauty then I will never be able to accept even His words.
I would go even further and say that not only does God stand next to me, his Love is innate within me and in order to know Him I must accept my equalness and everyone’s equalness, with His Love.
Reading about this topic, your words richardmills363 and those of others, I am coming to understand just how deeply religious I am and how it is the most special experience ever and that it something taking place within me and no-where or no-place else.
That is the ultimate wake up call Dean, in resisting the love awaiting us to feel for ourselves there is no greater insult to the source it is from.
It makes me realise that when I have difficulty accepting a compliment, I’m not accepting feeling all of myself and am having difficulty that someone else has felt it. Great point to work on, thanks, Nicole
Absolutely gillrandall – when someone truly compliments us, the only reason there is to have difficulty accepting that is when we do not value ourselves to the same degree as they are asking us to feel and appreciate.
I agree Susie, it really does come down to the question of how much are we prepared to valve ourselves. Being given a compliment really highlights this.
Truly accepting compliments is something I can find challenging but I’ve been supporting myself with this by simply beginning to stop every now and then and compliment (and appreciate) myself when I recognise a certainly quality in myself or the way I have done something. Allowing these personal compliments means that not only does my appreciation of myself grow, but compliments from others no longer come as a shock.
I love it Hannah, “….but compliments from others no longer come as a shock” Haha, great point! I will practice this more!
I wonder if the ‘shock’ felt from a compliment is actually a ripple of truth hitting against the game we play of dismissing and not being able to see our strengths. Deep down we know we are glorious and we know our strengths, we have just been hiding them for too long.
That’s a great point you make Fiona, the “shock” actually being “a ripple of truth hitting against the game we play of dismissing and not being able to see our strengths”. We get so invested in playing the game that it becomes quite an ingrained habit and we forget that we can choose to stop playing at any time.
Awesome point, Fiona, so very true.
Very true Fiona Lotherington. I have the image of a ‘force field’ around us – (cue Star Trek fans) – which is apparently a form of protection but in truth prevents us from knowing just how glorious we are. We feel it every time something touches the force field but tell ourselves it is keeping us safe when it is in fact keep us from the truth of who we are.
Acceptance and appreciation of ourselves allows us to feel and see the quality and beauty that we are, allowing us to graciously accept this recognition and appreciation from others.
Beautifully expressed Rosemarydunstan – and so very true!
And Hannah, the more we appreciate ourselves then we don’t need any recognition or compliment for others…and if they do compliment us, it is then a confirmation of what we have already acknowledged to ourselves (and hence no shock).
Absolutely agree Sandra!
I agree that how we receive a compliment is related to how we feel about ourselves and how deeply we are willing to accept.
Absolutely Deborah.
Beautiful sharing Nicole. How important it is to appreciate ourselves deeply and confirm that our grandness is very normal.
Yes Deborah – in the past it was normal to me, that I don’t appreciate myself for who I truly am – love. Now there is a new normal in myself growing, I’m love and we can appreciate each other for the love we are. That is a true reflection.
Awesome blog Nicole thank you. I am conscious of how at work, staff will often say how unappreciated they feel and yet I wonder how many allow themselves to accept the appreciation that comes their way. There is an absence of appreciation just as much because we are unable to receive it or accept it as there is an unwillingness to express it.
I hear you saying richardmills363 therefore how crucial it is that we develop self-appreciation – without it we will not be able to accept even the highest praise to come our way.
Interesting point you raise, richardmills363, I feel it’s certainly complicated and can become a bit of a vicious cycle. Where I work there is a culture of feeling ‘under appreciated’ and yet, as you suggest, people do not appreciate themselves. There is a perception that things are different at work to how they are outside of work, but there should be no difference in how we are whatever we’re doing. If there is, it shows we’re choosing not to take responsibility, to check out and not bring all of who we are.
I often see, and must admit have been part of this pattern of feeling under appreciated, resentful even, and it’s a very humbling pill to swallow that the main element that is missing is the need to appreciate myself more.
I have found myself in the past giving a lot of compliments to others, because I wanted to receive compliments for myself. I have been playing with offering both others and myself compliments without a need. It is very interesting to experience the more I really see myself and celebrate myself the more real my compliment to others are and the amount of compliments I give and receive increases.
I love your honesty Monika, I have never thought about what you are saying, but as I allow myself to feel into it, I realize that I do the same, complimenting others so they will compliment and appreciate me. This never works, because they may not feel to compliment me, and if they do compliment me, I can’t take in and feel it because I have not appreciated myself in the first place.
Great conversation Monika and Thomas. I have noticed the same thing in the past too, but have felt this shift as I appreciate myself more. Before when I didn’t appreciate myself the offering of compliments was because I wanted them back, but now it is more because I genuinely feel to celebrate another.
True, Thomas and a compliment given out of a need to want a compliment or appreciation back doesn’t feel to the other like a compliment at all. We can feel the need and sometimes the demand of these fake compliments and get abused by it. Such a difference when we offer true confirmation and celebration.
True Monika. The more I celebrate myself and my qualities, then I can recognise and compliment another. But if there is something I see in another that I haven’t chosen for myself, then jealousy comes in instantly and then anything I say will be loaded with this.
Very true Sandra…jealousy is a biggie – it undermines and runs as an undercurrent in so many relationships and conversations. It can be very obvious or very subtle…certainly something to be aware of in ourselves and others.
“It is very interesting to experience the more I really see myself and celebrate myself the more real my compliment to others are and the amount of compliments I give and receive increases.” How beautiful and harmonious is this. True appreciation is key in bringing harmony with others and within the world.
For a long time now it has astounded me that in Australia and I am sure in other places, the highest compliment you pay your mates is to insult them… we only seem comfortable accepting criticism rather than claiming the grandness we all have
I find this way of relating very strange the way men put each other down here in Australia, in fact I was told that the closer the friendship the higher level of running each other down and making fun in a derogatory way, compliments to another man here seem very rare and like foreign language, thank you Joel for raising this.
I love your sharings Joel and Thomas, I have found that this is not only relevant of men to men, but I know that I also have had this in the past in my relationships with men, that I have put them down in jest as a means of complimenting them and vice versa. It really is absurd isn’t it, paying out as a means of complimenting. Where does that come from, is it the tall poppy syndrome?
I agree Thomas, the closer your ‘mate’ the more you rip into them. It is a brutal way of relating to one another and you can see that it hurt people but becomes the norm.
Thank you, Joel, for raising this. It’s been explained to me that people enjoy ‘knocking’ each other, the recipients included. I just don’t get it, never have and never will. I’ve never enjoyed humour at the expense of another. For me, a back handed compliment (an insult, given with humour) is either someone wanting to say something loving but not knowing how to, they have not accepted or claimed their ‘grandness’. Or, it’s actually an insult veiled in humour so as not to ‘offend’, which is lame as the result on the recipient is the same anyway. The knocking culture is very contagious and seems more prevalent amongst males. When men allow themselves to express from the gentle sensitivity that they naturally are, it’s simply divine.
I agree Alison. It is not nice listening to men competing with one another or putting each other down in jest. Whereas listening to men who are open and supportive of each other is something to treasure.
This habit of putting people down is very strong all over the world. It is like we cannot bear to see and feel the grandness in another because then we would have to accept it in ourselves.
Putting others down is a wall that we put up between us that says you stay where you are and I’ll stay where I am, let’s not get too close because that means I may have to change.
Very true words Elizabeth…it is an excuse to hide, and not be the grandness we all naturally are.
nice pick up Elizabeth, to hold others in high esteem can only be possible if we do it for ourselves first.
I experience this every day in my office at work. Two people I work with run people down in jest and make fun of their distinctive features, like a loud voice or an unusual laugh. I hesitate to say anything as they wouldn’t understand my feelings as they know no different because it is like an Australian culture that is seen as normal.
I allowed myself to ponder on your comment Elizabeth and realise that whilst I don’t put others down, I’ve had a very strong pattern of putting myself down, which is equally as abusive. Something I’m really working on through a program of appreciation.
I completely understand your hesitation Lindellparlour, it’s hard to speak up when there’s a strong pattern of abuse, however, when we hold back from sharing how we feel we are ‘allowing’ the abuse to continue and are, therefore, a part of it. You are not responsible for how others behave, however, if you feel something isn’t ok, by speaking up you are being true to yourself and you may be surprised how powerful that can be. I feel on some level they may know and understand what they are doing, they’re just choosing not to take responsibility for how they behave and the effect it has on others.
Yes, lindellparlour, it has been interesting to see the comments in the thread and to get the sense of what we all live with and accept as normal, when really it is anything but normal.
Lindell, I don’t feel that this is this ‘putting people’ down is exclusive to the Australian culture, it appears to be pretty rife in the world. I agree, this has been going on for so long and it may seem normal to some, but it certainly does not feel normal does it. Maybe they do it because they feel insecure in themselves, and instead choose to enjoin each other to be popular or liked or just because they are jealous, who knows, all I know is that the more we stand up, appreciate ourselves and show a loving reflection to our families, friends and colleagues, without fear or favour, then the world will notice. There is nothing more insidious than gossip or ridiculing another, and it is only through a lack of love for ourselves, that we have allowed it to go on for so long. Bring back the love for ourselves, then the love for others will naturally follow, and then there will be no need for jibes, gossip, making fun, poking fingers, office politics, ridicule, teasing or rudeness because we will be too busy getting on with our work. Boom boom!!
sandrahenden I love what you have written. I agree they feel insure in themselves so pointing out other people’s unique characteristics makes them feel good about themselves. We most certainly do need to bring back the love for ourselves. It will eliminate a lot of our problems world wide.
So true Joel, it seems to be everywhere: business meetings, family weddings, on the sports field, at school, with work colleagues and even friends. So many feelings pushed down for so long and replaced with insults and heartless jokes. It’s no wonder that we have so many men diseases like prostate cancer, heart disease and mental illness. If we don’t share our feelings then it may sense that our bodies will break down in some way or another.
I agree Joel, and insults are deeply felt by everyone – perhaps this is why so many people harden themselves to the world…in an attempt to keep the hurt out, however the hurt energy always gets in, so the hardness is pointless and only harms us because we are also closed to the love and joy that is within us and in the world, and we miss this.
Yes Joel, I agree, it is quite disturbing to hear people insult, ridicule and put one another down thinking this is okay, just a bit of fun! How is it that we cannot genuinely compliment another and that be accepted in full? This way of relating is very interesting to observe!
I think this kind of ‘mateship’ is founded on a false camaraderie that holds the belief that being ‘full of oneself’ is an undesirable quality and have bastardised this to the extent that deriding one another bands us together.
True helen, if you believe in yourself you are ripe for attack, it’s jealously not so thinly veiled
Helen, I agree and I also agree with what Joel has described… it’s “jealousy not so thinly veiled” pure and simple. Not so long ago I used to hold myself back not wanting to appear ‘too full of myself’, but recently I thought ‘what the heck, this is how I feel so why hold it back’, and although I sometimes find myself dropping or shying away from shining I soon pull myself up, because jealousy or not, this who I am, and it is only by that reflection will others realise that it is okay to be true to yourself without enjoining with others, to hurt others.
So awesome Nicole that you are allowing the compliments in. This can only build momentum and bring you to an even greater appreciation of yourself and your life and as you allow that to occur evolution naturally takes place for you amd for us all.
And the great thing about appreciating yourself more is that it is so much easier to see greatness in everyone else.
So true, Fiona, the more we appreciate ourselves, all that we already are, we are sharing more of ourselves with everyone else and in turn, allowing ourselves to feel more of everyone else.
Well said Fiona…beautiful words to inspire this morning, thank you.
Life is like a hall of mirrors, there are so many reflections of me out there, so if we can begin to appreciate ourselves then we can appreciate everyone equally, now that just makes sense to me, and anything less is just dishonouring of another aspect of me.
I find it really interesting that so many of us find it hard to let a compliment in, deflecting it immediately or just plain rejecting it. When we do not raise our children to accept how awesome they are but fill them up with ideals and beliefs about putting others first communicating therefore that they need to put themselves last, communicating that putting yourself down is to be desired lest not to seem arrogant, not to express and so on, it really is no wonder we find it hard to appreciate ourselves and accept a compliment! Learning to let go of these constructs takes just about as long as it did to take them on but well worth doing. We are all deserving of seeing and appreciating the awesomeness of who we are and what we uniquely bring. When we can accept a compliment without flinching then that’s a great yard stick for measuring how far we have come in our relationship with ourselves and in letting all that other stuff go!
“When we can accept a compliment without flinching then that’s a great yard stick for measuring how far we have come in our relationship with ourselves and in letting all that other stuff go!”… very profound michelle819, and so true. We are a constant reflection, of ourselves to ourselves and any behaviour embedded in our psyche as we are growing up can be healed once we start to appreciate and accept, let go of jealousy and comparison, love ourselves, and from a personal point of view, deepen the intimate relationship I have with myself. Then it is easier to accept a compliment without feeling the need to give one straight back which amounts to not accepting the compliment in the first place.
Thank you Nicole I feel inspired to regard compliments as supportive friends allowing me the opportunity to acknowledge my amazingness without the need for any justification.
I can relate to what you share Abby, compliments can be used to manipulate. I’ve been on the receiving end of this where there was an end result and the compliments flowed all the way to the finish line. I completely clocked what was going on and found I didn’t really acknowledge the compliments but spoke straight to what I knew was ‘wanted’ from me. The falseness was very evident to me and I didn’t appreciate it at all. That said, you can feel when a compliment is genuine, you can feel the love, it’s very beautiful.
I have observed women justifying and playing themselves down after receiving a compliment that came with jealousy. Perhaps this is partly where we learn to react to compliments,rather than accept them.
Good point, Fiona. It would certainly explain the protection we have and this in itself is stopping us from feeling the compliment and all that it brings. Even if a compliment does come barbed with some jealousy, we have a choice as to how we respond. We can react to the jealousy, or we can take the compliment and speak to the love that we know the other person truly is and ignore their behaviour.
I agree Fiona…perhaps we have reacted to the loaded compliments in the past and so in protection we brush all future compliments aside so as to not feel anything that ‘might’ hurt/harm us.
In a way this is tarnishing everyone with the same brush rather than discerning the energy coming with each compliment and making a choice from this discernment.
This is so true Helen…compliments are often brushed off by justifying which really shows a lack of self worth, a lack of acceptance of who we are and what amazingness we can offer the world. What Nicole has to offer here in way of accepting compliments is gold, and so needed for humanity.
I support what you are saying Paula and furthermore add that when just one of us starts to accept who we are (as you describe it above) there is an enormously healthy impact on all those around us.
Way to go Helen Elliott ~ I may adopt this inspiration too, then I will have many more friends than I do already. And this friend will always be there, always support, accept and appreciate me, never put me down and will always tell me the truth, and I AM amazing!
I have to agree with your sharing Nicole, I too find it hard to accept a compliment, but easy to give one to someone else when I truly feel to. Looking at this from another direction, how would I feel if someone brushed off the observation I made, given with love, to them? Something to Ponder!
That’s a great point you make Roslyn – a compliment is actually a communication between two people where the acceptance of the compliment is equally as important as it’s expression. If the compliment is not truly accepted, than what is expressed cannot truly bloom.
A compliment is a communication Hannah. From my experience compliments have not always been that great either sometimes they come loaded with ill intent such as jealously. I find genuine compliments very confirming and I feel deeply connected to when I receive them.
True Abby, but is it possible that if a compliment is not genuine, ie it comes “loaded with an ill-intent”, jealousy or the like, then surely it is not a compliment, but rather an attack cloaked by sweet words?
Yes, when a compliment is not fully accepted then what’s been complimented isn’t given the oxygen with which to fully ignite so the next step is hindered and everyone doesn’t get to feel what that is.
Great to realise so that when I appreciate myself or am complimented I can really give myself permission to go to town- no-more of this false modesty or fear of being big headed! Great to celebrate being equally amazing not equally repressed!
Yes Karin, do we fan the flames and revel in our amazingness or starve the fire and thereby keep ourselves distant and cool?
Beautifully expressed Hannah. It is surely is all about choosing the way of ‘fieriness’ or not!
Yes Hannah the giving and receiving of love are equal in affect. In being open to, and graciously receiving the compliment in the love it was given, allows it to magnify and return to the giver.
How true Abby. As with all things, it is so important to discern the intent behind the words, to be able to read what goes on in interactions with others.
I agree Hannah, the acceptance of the compliment is a compliment to the one who gave it. If It is not accepted then it can be interpreted as a rejection, if it is accepted then it is an equal sharing and a confirmation of the love that we are.
If the exchange doesn’t happen as you describe Hannah, the opportunity is actually lost – the alchemical potential of one complimenting the other dissipates.
Exactly Dean, if you say no to the compliment, you are also saying no to the opportunity to expand.
Wow, that is true Hannah. So there is more on offer than we may realise when we are being complimented.
Absolutely Dean, as with many things in life – it is our choice how grand or small we make the opportunity.
It seems that we have a lot more choice in the way we experience things than we might like to admit. And in fact life can be a very different experience should we choose to accept its many constant reflections – like compliments.
A very interesting point Roslyn. It feels so simple to brush a compliment away and yet feels so odd when somebody is brushing away the compliments we make. Definitely a point to go deeper with and explore what is truly going on and why we are resisting compliments.
Great point Roslyn. If someone brushed off your compliment, you would feel the missed opportunity to deepen the love and intimacy between you. It shows that our ‘little choices’ to be shy or not appreciate fully ourselves affect everyone else.
Great point Fiona, everything, no matter how small affects everyone else, whether we like to be aware of it or not.
Absolutley Fiona. To brush off a compliment can mean the difference between building an ever deepening and truly loving relationship or one big missed opportunity. I shudder to think of the missed opportunities I have had in the past by dismissing compliments towards me, however I do accept them much more graciously these days and am able to really appreciate what is being said.
That is a great point Roslyn, especially as we can feel everything and when we genuinely go out of our way to compliment someone only for it to be brushed aside – what messages are we giving each other.
Such a great point Roslyn, like putting yourself in someone else’s shoes!
It really does all come back to the way we see ourselves and the work we have done or not to appreciate and love the person we are. That affects everything.
Absolutely Dean, there is a direct correlation between the level of love and appreciation we have of ourselves and the ease with which we can accept (and truly give) compliments.
We have heard of a downward spiral, but this is the reverse… an upward spiral, one experience supporting the other, love, appreciation, acceptance more and more.
That’s gold Dean! What an awesome way of putting it.
I know how I would feel if someone brushed off a compliment that I had given them Roslyn, hurt, hurt for them…. I would want to take them gently by the shoulders, look them in the eyes and say “you are beautiful, and don’t you forget it”, (and then I would suggest to them that they start to appreciate themselves too) 🙂
In the past I have been the one who brushed off compliments from others, but now I am learning to accept them for what they are, if they are given in love then I accept them in love and that actually feels rather lovely, for both of us.
That is a life changing endeavour you have embraced sandrahenden.
This is awesome Nicole: “What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” I am learning more and more to appreciate when I have been confirmed in some way and to then truly check in and look for that affirmative feeling that I ‘knew’ all along and the other person just reflected and offered that confirmation.
Reading your blog I wondered how did we get to living in a way that is very open to criticism and even direct abuse, hate speech and all kind of verbal, psychological and physical violence, but we have so little of a “culture of appreciation and confirmation” that support the grandness we all are. Humanity is so keen about culture, but where is the quality of this culture? If we would focus more on what unites us and how loving we can be with each other we wouldn’t have to work so hard to show our differences as we would live by our equal essence.
Recently I won an award and people are complimenting me on a daily basis. I really did not know how difficult it would be to accept their compliments, especially when they say how much I deserve the award. I am leaning to stand tall in the face of glory and accept who I am.
Yes, I can really feel what you are saying Elizabeth. This award has brought an unexpected healing. Really beautiful!
This is great Nicole and something I definitely relate to, our lack of appreciation of ourselves and all that we bring is really exposed when someone compliments us. What a great practice to stop and feel, this is something I definitely want to start doing so thank you!
It feels to me that by not accepting a compliment not only do we lose out but we are robbing the person who gave the compliment of something too. When a compliment comes from the heart then it comes with flow, to reject in any way a compliment is to stifle the flow, both people lose out.
Donna, I have just read your comment after posting mine, different words but same sentiment, it just goes to show that we really are all One and the same united whole and that no-thing is ever new.
Someone accepting a compliment is the loveliest gift a person giving the compliment can receive. Truly accepting a compliment is the loveliest gift we can give ourselves.
I love this Donna, true appreciation really is a gift to ourselves and one that we deserve, after all we are amazing!
Beautiful Donna, exactly.
Beautiful sharing Nicole. How easily we give compliments, and yet when the compliment is returned, we find it hard to let it in. This betrays just how strongly so many of us look poorly upon ourselves.
Indeed Adam, how often do we see such beauty in another and yet often it seems they are unaware of it in themselves. Because I have observed this often I know that I can either accept a compliment because I too can feel this in myself, or I have the opportunity to now notice this about myself from that point forward and acquaint myself with a quality or aspect that I had been denying.
It is amazing to feel that something as simple as a compliment shows us and exposes so much within ourselves.
Thank you Nicole for highlighting the ultimate compliment.
“to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all”
This is a great topic letting go of not wanting any attention – to used to run a mile if anyone particularly men showed any interest in me… shared any kind of appreciation for me. Now that has turned around fully. I am about to turn 40 and what people are saying to me is you don’t look for a minute 40 and how young I look. So I would in the past go oh yeah cheers – Now I am saying yes I know and I feel incredible too. That’s what happens when you nurture yourself. It feels amazing.
Awesome Natalie, you are amazing!! Its so powerful when we express our grandness and people get the reflection that it is just a choice and not a privilege of a few. We bought so into physical youth and the right to abuse our body that we have normalized that by 40 (men get till 50) we are all worn out and the beauty of life basically ends. To show humanity that there is another way is absolute gold!!
“So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself.” Absolutely beautiful Nicole. So much magic can be shared between people when we accept and appreciate compliments with open hearts. Embrace compliments as it is a win, win for all parties to share and evolve.
I realised today the downfall of not complimenting myself (appreciating myself) is the fact that if there comes either a compliment or some critique that I don’t know what to do with it. Because there’s no foundation in me to listen or relate to whatever’s said. The perfect set-up to make things personal. Which means I am reacting and belittling myself. So allowing a compliment in, means also to really feel whatever’s being said. Otherwise I only relate from my head.
Great point you are making here Floris about having a foundation in ourselves to be able to listen to or relate to whatever has been said. Building love in our selves is key to have a body that can respond to love. If we live love, we express and receive love as love is who we are. Everything is energy, love it!!!
Yes, everything is energy and as we emanate / live love, it is so much simpler to feel what is behind any emotion. That in fact there’s always unexpressed love behind any veil action or deed. But only when I am completely open I am able to read and / or feel it. So living love is such a great thing to choose. There’s such joy and power coming with it. And everytime we might react, we choose love and from there feel what caused the reaction and we might find out… that there’s always something in ourselves to look at, feel and / or let go.
I used to feel really uncomfortable receiving a compliment but the more I accept myself and enjoy being me, the more I can see they are just confirming how I feel….amazing:)
I am with you there alisonmoir, I used to shy away from the attention but these days it does feel more like a confirmation of how I feel within myself, especially like you have said ‘the more I accept myself and enjoy being me’.
Love what you have opened up here Nicole, and it really exposes how as a generality we find it hard to truly appreciate ourselves deeply until we make the conscious effort to work on that. With the inspiration from this blog and the comments, I will be paying a lot more attention to any compliment I receive, and feeling that deeper in my body. Thank you.
Me too Josephine, Nicole has set a new marker. Every time when receiving a compliment and making the attempt to water it down I will be reminded now how absurd it actually is and feel the beauty of just letting it in. Thank you!!
I deliberately justify or reduce what someone has just connected to, expressed and claimed about who I am to avoid the moment of expansion and evolution that I have just been given.
What a great sharing Nicole – thank you. I found this particular sentence very pertinent… “in fact, the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.” and comes from me not appreciating all I am and all that I bring. Your blog is very simple however extremely powerful.
This is a really sweet piece Nicole; gosh how would it be if we gave ourselves compliments on a daily basis and walked with the confidence of knowing who we are? What a different world this would be? I’ve certainly started doing my bit by taking time to appreciate myself each day for just how beautiful a being I am.
Me too shevonsimon. I recently realised that I do not appreciate enough so I have started a diary where I write down daily appreciations.
I know for me that when someone pays me a compliment I can be quick to deflect it or justify it and when I ponder why this might be I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want anyone to clock just how amazing I am just in case they expect the same again next time around! So in a way it is me avoiding the responsibility for being the awesome loving being that I am and standing out perhaps as such.
Compliments, not wanting or willing to accept the gifts I bring, so if I’m not accepting my own gifts I’m not going to be able to receive yours in the form of a compliment either. This has recently been on my radar also Nicole I loved the awareness you have bought with taking a moment to check if you have registered and appreciated that, within yourself. Appreciation and acceptance!
This is so true, how are we, if we do not accept ourselves for all that we bring be able to fully accept another in their glory? If I reject me then I’m rejecting you also.
‘someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore’ – my amazingness! What a lovely reminder that compliments are true reflections of who and what we really are and particularly impactful when they reveal something we haven’t acknowledged or accepted about ourselves.
Cathy I love how you’ve highlighted this part. The fact that we are deeply amazing and often show this yet don’t appreciate ourselves in that amazingness. A compliment accepted and deeply felt has the power to change that.
Great point Cathy, compliments are actually the reminder of our grandness and just highlight something we haven’t acknowledged or still not accepted about ourselves!! Compliments are a great way of confirming on a daily basis that we are all equal Son’s of God and that we are so much more than in this physical expression. Building a culture of love is our true way home and out of here!
Great blog and something that we really need to discuss. There have been sooooo many times I have complimented another woman only to have her say ‘oh this old thing’ or if it is about their hair ‘it needs washing’. This happened just the other day at work. It brings to question are we not able to receive compliments about ourselves? What does this say about how we grow up, are brought up and interact with others as well as our relationship with ourselves and being able to appreciate ourselves, every single part. It is Awesome you are now able to accept compliments 💕
Compliments was not something I was used to accepting, but now I have started allowing myself to stop and feel what is being shared, and accept the quality of the compliment being shared. It is an amazing feeling when we stop and allow our selves to feel and appreciate.
I had an experience earlier this year where my Director at work complimented me in front of another colleague and I deflected it because I didn’t want to feel my colleagues reaction to the compliment. I started to let it in and then could feel my colleagues reaction inside her and just had to turn it around and back to her sharing what had actually happened the day before that I had noticed with her that really made my day. So I guess in a way it worked out fine because I shared a truth and felt the truth of it in my body but then shortchanged myself with the compliment to myself.
Nicole, this has been the experience for me also. I notice that when I’m appreciating myself in full the compliments are easy to feel as opposed to when I’m not feeling how amazing I am.
If we are accepting of the truth of who we are – the fullness of love, integrity, wisdom, stillness and presence – and all of these in action then anything someone may choose to say about us in the form of a compliment would not present as a surprise or unusual because it is already known, accepted and lived by us. It is time to stop looking for validation in the world outside and to just get on with bringing what we know to be true. I love how you have exposed us all in the giving and receiving of compliments Nicole – there is much discussion that can happen here.
It was a marker for me and my self worth when I corrected someone when they gave me a compliment. They said my dress was sexy and I corrected them and said it was me in the dress that was sexy. The dress isn’t so sexy on the hanger, but it’s a different story with me in it. 🙂
Great blog Nicole. I have definitely got better at accepting compliments but you just took it to a new level. I like the appreciation of another that they have seen something you haven’t yet.
I liked that too nikkimckee, it gives you a moment to stop and think ‘hang on, is there some amazingness haven’t I seen yet?’, most likely there is 😉
Yes awesome – it brings this little ‘stop’ moment and this allows the reflection to deepen so we can look and feel deeper to discover more and more.
I am also someone who feels awkward at receiving compliments; it is so powerful for me to read your reasons why this is so and can feel they are the same for me too. I’m going on your compliment program too Nicole!
I have absolutely sucked at receiving compliments my entire life. My most common response is actually to send someone to hell for giving me a compliment, or scrunching up my face in disbelief of what they just said, that also includes a look that says ‘ really? you think I’m going to fall for that?’.
I have however been working on this over the last few years and I am getting better at simply saying ‘thank you’, without the rest of the reaction…But…I do also tend to go into justifying the comments made…which is the next step in acceptance…one thing at a time hey?!
Hey, yes Elodie my beautiful friend, it is awesome to compliment you without the reactions. It’s made me laugh as who would have thought giving someone a compliment would have been scary😘
I on the other hand would brush off compliments as that’s nothing, or it only took me an hour or next time I will etc etc… Very telling really!
Justification is a killer. I can totally relate to what you’ve shared Nicole – I receive a compliment and my mind automatically goes on a field trip, making up excuses as to why it isn’t true, counter arguing the compliment and justifying, justifying, justifying. I love your suggestion about actually stopping when someone compliments you; I can imagine this offers a moment to appreciate rather than go straight into justification, and will try it myself! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Yes, justification is simply a way of saying “I’m not really that awesome and these are the reasons why I may appear to be at the moment”
Oh yes Susie the field trips my mind can go on when receiving a compliment but now feeling inspired to choose appreciation instead.
Compliments work both ways and can be a very loving and appreciative moment for the giver of the compliment and the receiver of the compliment. I know at times when I have given a compliment and it is fully received, I actually feel complimented also…and when I receive a compliment, those moments when I have, it feels really lovely to appreciate…
We so easily play ourselves down, but when we accept we are amazing it’s like a crime in offending against ourselves… others to play ourselves down..
I love your ‘game’ and I look forward to playing it. Thank you.
Gorgeous approach to life Matthew, something I am relearning too and something I will impart when I next have children, that they can grow and flourish knowing their true worth and value from the start.
There is a window, a space after a compliment has been delivered, so often i observe people speak into this space, awkwardly, the real magic is to step into the space open armed and receive with grace what we already know.
Beautifully said lucindag. That awkward moment is filled with unuttered questions like – am I really? Can I be that? And it all happens to not feel that magic that is in your face.
I love it. Beautifully said, lucindag and jinya. So true, there is a space that we so often try to fill up with too many words so that we don’t have to feel what is contained in the space that is all there for us to receive.
“The real magic is to step into the space open armed and receive with grace what we already know.”
Thank you Lucindag, this is beautifully said.
There is indeed a space after a compliment. We are offered a moment as to how we will fill that space. Move forward with the love that is on offer, or reject the love and carry on.
I love what you have said here lucindag. We tend to fill space with anything so as not to feel the sweet grace of our own being. Very beautifully said!
I agree there is a gift of space and grace given with a compliment that we can choose to accept or not as part of our return to who we truly are.
Yes, unfortunately there is a real awkwardness and withdrawal around the possibility of standing in the glory of all that we are.
After reading your article yesterday Nicole I received a compliment about my work, usually i would have gone into thoughts of ‘they are just being polite’ or ‘they could have said more’, dismissing what was being said, but this time i did not, i read what had been written to me, i felt the absolute truth in it and took a moment to appreciate myself, so thank you for inspiring me to not brush off compliments but to really feel what others are expressing to me.
Yes rebeccawingrave, we’re very ‘clever’ in making sure we don’t receive compliments, what happens to us when we actually do? It feels pretty amazing and confirming. What is so wrong with that?
What a great confirmation rebeccawingrave. I realised in reading your comment that to dismiss a compliment when someone is truly trying to acknowledge your quality, is also very disrespectful to the person who is trying to pay you a compliment. For they have felt a truth in you which they are expressing – it’s like denying your heavenly-ness. Beautifully shared – thank you.
So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself, and that it is not only great to have another see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!
Seeing ourselves for who we truly are includes acknowledging our innate qualities and to what depth we express them.
True compliments are amazing, I have always been able to feel the opportunity they allow for appreciation despite my choice to claim it or not. I say true because there are also those that are shrouded in jealousy and feel unmeant.
I have noticed how often people deflect a compliment when they are given one. It is like a hot potato that they can’t hold for even a second – it either has to be thrown back to the person who made it, thrown to someone else or dropped on the floor and trampled on as the person turns the compliment into a self criticism. Repeating the compliment and asking the person to feel what has been expressed feels powerful indeed for it is asking the person to accept a moment of appreciation.
A hot potato! What a brilliant analogy Jane…thanks for describing exactly what I’m so brilliant at in such a lighthearted way!
‘compliments have now become my friend’ a lovely way to conclude your blog Nicole. I have experienced everything you share and still do sometimes, but getting much better at accepting compliments without any need to minimise, defend or justify. I experienced returning a compliment the other day as a form of defense and can now see it for what it is. It could be said that the truth of how deeply we accept and own our own beauty and grace is exposed in the way we respond to compliments.
So true “It could be said that the truth of how deeply we accept and own our own beauty and grace is exposed in the way we respond to compliments”
Totally.. If we are accepting of ourselves we are accepting of compliments.
I feel the truth in your sentence kehinde2012k, “…the truth of how deeply we accept and own our own beauty and grace is exposed in the way we respond to compliments.” Much is exposed for me after reading Nicole’s blog; there is so much more I need to accept about who I am that is right there for the taking, but constantly diminished by my thoughts. Ouch.
We are so much more than we allow ourselves to feel. Compliments are little sent gifts to begin the process of opening up to how wonderful we are, to the self appreciation. They are a good marker of where we are in our relationship to ourselves. Do we react, or accept and expand? Thanks Nicole.
I’m a bit uncomfortable here Melinda, when you put it that way I am not accepting the gifts being offered, sounds rude actually. Well I’ve been told off for not accepting a compliment. I have had a habit of then justifying or saying how I could make it even better in the future. No grace, no self appreciation and no honouring of the gift from that person, only a lot of rejection in feeling and claiming what I bring.
Yes agreed Melinda, beautifully recognised. Opportunities to acknowledge a moment of appreciation, potentially shared.
Standing back and observing the exchange of a compliment to someone that feels they are not worthy of it looks like a glass with water and oil in it. The ironic thing is if we used the same analogy with how we should relate to the things that made us not feel we were worthy of the compliment… what a difference a choice can make.
Well said Steve, oil and water don’t mix; Compliments really should be easily dissolved in the water I think 🙂
An interesting analogy Steve – I feel the water and oil analogy as the resistance to the compliment. With much self-appreciation and confirming who we are we learn to cherish ourselves and with the deepening and the warmth that washes over us everything becomes one.
Love how you’ve experimented with each compliment awesome way to actually start to accepting them and saying to ourselves hell yeah that’s me !!
I love this response to compliments, Jamie – ‘hell yeah!’
Me too! I’m going to start thinking ‘hell yeah!!’ in response to a compliment and see if one day that phrase just pops out of my mouth too!
Me too – sums it up short and sweet!
Ha! I love the power behind your comment Jaime!
🙂 Jamie you made me first smile but then laugh out loud! 🙂
Come on who does not stand sometimes in front of the mirror at home and flirts with oneself saying: “Gosh, am I beautiful, amazing or just so cool… ;)”
Ha so did I Sonja… my whole body goes ‘yeh claim it!’
Agreed!! Claiming it baby!!
Your closing comment says it all Nicole. The ultimate compliment is ‘to truly see and accept myself for who I am…’ When we can all do that we will have eliminated all that holds us back from owning our unique expression, celebrating it and equally that of others. Thank you.
Oh, compliments… indeed are not so easy to digest. Next to what you shared Nicole, why we may not accept compliments, for me also comes up: ‘what does the person want from me?’
But the approach you chose, I will try – accepting by appreciating myself.
Yes, something as simple as a compliment exposes so much in how we respond or not!
It is mostly the simple things which expose our attitudes and behaviors.
And for me what often comes up is me trying to fill the offered space with a compliment in return. And I say ‘trying’, because I have to mentally search for what to say back; I’m sure it comes out empty and token. Comes back to appreciating myself as you say Sonja.
Yes Suzanne, I also know this moment.
Of uneasiness when I feel the need to give a compliment back.. But that’s not what is needed, because open and heartfelt acceptance of the compliment is a confirmation to the sender. If I express a compliment and it is not accepted, that’s awkward actually. 🙂
Great point Suzanne. There is no need to reply with a compliment unless it is truly felt. What you describe is just another thing we do to not fully accept a confirmation of who we are.
Great conversation to have! When we don’t accept a compliment or go into trying to reciprocate, what are we confirming to the other person? They got it wrong or don’t express that again?
It’s such a beautiful exchange when someone expresses their appreciation for you with a compliment and you accept it, which compliments the other person and their expression of what they have felt. And what I’ve been finding is that for them to notice something to compliment they equally have that in them as well.
There is also the value of someone actually choosing to be part of life, work or an event where just the simple fact that someone is participating is gold. Every job we have is part of a chain of events that allows things to happen. There is huge value in choosing to be part of life that supports others to live and work. This takes the emphasis off doing an especially ‘good’ job, but appreciating the entire person for simply being part of it all.
This is a great reminder Matthew of appreciating and honouring people for who they are, knowing that we all part of a constellation. It is not what we do but the quality we are when doing anything that makes the difference. And what better way to inspire one another to naturally keep choosing the quality of the love that we are than to appreciate and compliment one another from the heart.
There is definitely room for increasing giving compliments in the world, honest heart felt compliments. I’ve noticed that at work, especially there is much more criticism when something is done incorrectly once, but the same thing can be done a hundred times really well and nothing ever gets mentioned.
This is a great point Matthew, focusing on the negative is precisely what this world does very well, or the people in it should I say. And yet there is so much more of our true way to focus on and appreciate. As I have been learning to appreciate myself and others it is amazing how much magic I have allowed myself to see as a result, when I compliment another now I can feel such joy in my body while I express it and they naturally feel this also.
You make a great observation here Matthew, it does seem to be common practice to focus on all the things that are not done perfectly at work, and overlook the many things no matter how small which are done well. Sometimes work reviews can be demotivating by picking out all the things which were not done to the highest standard, but the employee has to then go away and come up with achievable targets of how to improve their performance. Then when the next review comes around there is disappointment again – a vicious circle.
Oh my god…how true is this Matthew! It’s one of the saddest things we put up with in the workplace. Everyone is so very quick to blame and point the finger when things go wrong, yet there is considerably less encouragement of peers doing a good job. Complimenting and appreciating each other or one another is definitely underplayed.
Very true and even when we do move into more of a complimentary space it can be about what others do. Compliments and appreciation of who people are, are more rare.
That’s so true nikkimckee, compliments are often in regard to what a person can do, or has achieved, rather than appreciation of a quality that they live, or a beauty and joyousness they share.
Absolutely Matthew, that’s a great point. I’ve noticed the more I compliment and appreciate myself the more I can’t help but compliment and appreciate others. It’s always a win win when we bring more love within.
Yes it’s lovely isn’t it – the more we confirm and hold ourselves in love, the more we just have to do this with others too – it seems nearly impossible not to 🙂
Yes Karina, when we confirm and love ourselves it’s like we turn a light switch on that shines on the beauty within, which then shines a light on the same beautiful reflection in others and all around us.
I agree Matthew. I have noticed the immense power and how it completely changes the energy when I don’t buy into a conversation that’s being very critical, rather I offer a truth that the person is doing the best that they can in a difficult situation. We can stand around and throw daggers, or open our arms and offer support and appreciation for what is being done by someone. It’s clear for everyone to feel that if you are constantly feeling like people think you’re doing a terrible job, it has a very negative effect, conversely, when you feel people are appreciating what you are doing (rather than focusing on what is not being done), it lifts you up and you are actually way more productive. Receiving the appreciation gives the individual the opportunity to feel it for themselves. When someone is always looking at the ‘what is’ and appreciating that, it has a gorgeous ripple effect for everyone else.
Yes l agree Matthew.
lt seems in the workplace we are too loath to pay compliments lest the staff grow complacent. l notice this in school as a teacher. The parents give the children endless compliments but they tend to hold back on complimenting the teacher or accepting compliments for themselves.
Giving and receiving can be challenging depending on which one we are less comfortable with.
Great point Matthew, when mistakes are given more focus than the person, everyone misses out and the person is not seen for who they are. I can see I often do this with my children, thanks for the reminder!
Great point, I have noticed this. We are currently far more likely to criticise another or find something that is ‘wrong’ with them than giving a compliment and seeing something positive instead.
Last week I noticed a strong tendency to go into stories to justify when I made a mistake. Reading this blog I also see a strong tendency when I receive a compliment to justify why I have received it or why I didn’t deserve it. It seems I can’t wait to drown out the reflection with my thoughts and reactions rather than staying open to be touched by what these scenarios present and reflect about who I am and the choices I have been making.
Sometimes I make a joke about myself to deflect the compliment, which is putting myself down and not accepting the love being offered, which as I type this, feels awful, for me and the other person equally. Thank you for your awesome blog, Nicole, it’s really allowing me to see the patterns that I’ve developed that I haven’t allowed myself to fully expose.
When you say ‘At times it makes me feel a little awkward, uncomfortable, almost as if I am not deserving of that level of attention from another.’ I have often observed that not only do I react this way when receiving a compliment but I can also feel it coming back at me when I give a compliment (without me being in fullness) to another.
This moment – when another rejects or gets awkward about a compliment is gold. It holds up a mirror to us, showing exactly what we do to people when we refuse to accept their complements to us.
Frankly it is pretty horrible.
We can focus on our rejection of the compliment, and it is important we explore this but we also need to be aware that the self effacement affects other people too, perhaps even contributes to our unwillingness to give compliments when they are so unwillingly received.
Interesting perspective Rachel, I hadn’t considered how brushing off a compliment may affect the person offering it. A heartfelt thanks is all that is needed, I am learning that a simple response such as this is all I need to give. Then as Nicole says I can leave space for me to sit and absorb the compliment and avoid any tendency to ignore it or downplay what is there to be felt.
And the opposite is true also. When someone does accept the compliment in full it is a beautiful reflection. It is so common place and almost expected to brush off a compliment, but how refreshing it is when someone accepts it. It is almost as though that person gives you permission to claim the beauty you are.
Beautifully observed and shared Nikkimckee. When a person accepts your compliment and really lets it infuse their being it is a moment of intimacy and love that is hard to do justice to in words. These are moments to treasure and say “yes” to. They build trust, out ability to express and receive truth.
This is a great point Rachel. We may struggle with accepting compliments and in that struggle we overlook the impact it has on the one offering the compliment. For myself, I feel very frustrated when people are discomforted by a compliment and although I still do it myself from time to time, I have also learned to give a simple ‘thank you’. It’s quite something to simply receive the compliment and allow yourself to feel it.
It is beautiful, and not a little discomforting to see the impact of what we do and say, and don’t do and don’t say on others….
Good point Rachel, that far from being the virtue I was brought up to believe it was, self-effacement actually affects others negatively. It continues the culture of it’s ‘better’ not to really love and appreciate ourselves and our qualities, and definitely not to do that publicly.
Oh I so know that one Josephine! Don’t dare be seen to be “big headed”!! Oh no, it is much nicer and politer to completely reject the truth you have just been offered!
Actually, I recall being taught as child to be so effacing about compliments as to be completely rejecting of them, but simultaneously instructed to eat every bit of food you were offered, even if it made you sick. Aren’t social conventions ridiculous!
Sounds horrible Rachel. In my own childhood being seen to be vain was a big time taboo. Looking in the mirror for too long a no-no. We were not complimented in our family in case we got big headed, so we all ended up with small heads and to make them grow has been a lot of work. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with compliments and I am still working on self-appreciation. And yet I understand this is just the way it was, the way my parents had been raised themselves but the buck stops here.
Great point Rachel Mascord that when we deny or deflect a compliment it does affect the person giving it – they may doubt their awareness or expression and think twice before expressing their appreciation next time. Holding back, reductionism and degradation of expression are harmful undercurrents in our society.
I love what you share here Rachel, the self effacement you speak of is actually very self centred and makes it all about us and not in a good way – when we do this we fail to truly honour and feel what another has offered us and we try and undermine it. It is such a game and it does nothing but keep us small and we do not appreciate what another is offering us.
A great perspective to bring Rachel! It really shows us how this loop works, to keep us in lack of appreciation as a whole. When we give a compliment, and it is brushed off or reacted to, we have the potential to go into our ‘own stuff’ of why that happened. We may think we said the wrong thing, or then use it as a reason to not give compliments in the future. If this stops us from appreciating and confirming another in the future, the game of creation gets another point. Let us never stop bringing appreciation and confirmation to one another, as what this does can clearly not be underestimated.
I love this Amelia. Never should we stop seeing, appreciating and saying how much we love or feel inspired by each other.
This is so true Rachel, ‘when another rejects or gets awkward about a compliment is gold. It holds up a mirror to us, showing exactly what we do to people when we refuse to accept their compliments to us. Frankly it is pretty horrible’, I have felt rejected and doubted what I have said to be true if someone rejects my compliment, it has felt like what I have said has been belittled, and so I can feel that by dismissing someone’s compliment to me this is what I am doing to another.
It is a wonderful lesson when we are offered the same behaviour that we give to others. It can stop us in our tracks, and gives us pause to reflect, if we but let it…
Thinking of the times when I have given people compliments which have not been accepted or have been brushed away, it feels awful and actually very dismissive and disrespectful. If the compliment has been genuine and heart felt it actually hurts when it is not accepted or received gracefully.
We are made to express, we are made to appreciate and in turn deepen our appreciation of ourselves when another truly sees us and loves what they see. A star in the night sky does not efface itself or turn down its light because another star shines back its own glory in equal refection.
Only the human being seeks to quell its own light and reject the reflection shone through the eyes of another.
Yes, very true Rachel, well said.
True Rachel, when we do not accept a compliment, we are effectively shutting down or rejecting another’s expression.
Yes great point Rachel, this extends the impact of rejecting a compliment beyond the person doing so. If a compliment is genuinely offered it is because the one offering it has been touched by something worthy of note. To reject it is to block the potential expansion both involved in the exchange will receive if the expression were to be accepted in full.
What you are sharing here is gold. I’ve had a very large does of responsibility for my expression in the past 3 days and it continues now I read your comments. Yesterday I rejected a compliment at work because I was in reaction to something that happened earlier. After reading what you have shared I can feel it wasn’t just the compliment I was rejecting. Wow the depths the energy travels when we aren’t being all of ourselves.
After reading your comment, Sandra, I just felt to add, it’s also important to deeply appreciate your willing-ness and open-ness to acknowledge all that is at play in your work situation and then to work with it. That’s pretty awesome.
When someone accepts your compliment, it’s like getting a tender loving hug back. The love is felt by the other person and returned back to the sender.
I can totally relate to what you’re sharing here Tamara. For me, I’m wondering if that’s self-judgment – a knowingness that I can do more, that I can be better. It feels like there’s a bit of a drive there, I’m not allowing myself to fully appreciate all that I am now, all that I’ve achieved so far, my sights are set and I focus more on what I haven’t yet mastered. Just writing this is allowing me to realise how little time I allow for self-appreciation. Great timing that I’ve just started an appreciation program.
Thank you Nicole! This is a ‘game’ I am looking forward to playing also. This is a wonderful opportunity to bring ‘stop’ moments into play, and to really appreciate the reflection we have for each other. Our power to inspire, just by being us, can never be underestimated.
Yes Amelia and it feels lovely to hear you acknowledging this: ‘Our power to inspire, just by being us, can never be underestimated’.
Thank you Nicole and Amelia, I agree, allowing ourselves to feel the beauty within, so we can ‘appreciate the reflection we have with each other’.
I can totally relate to going into justification when being given a compliment. I can’t remember ever claiming it in full. What an awesome project to embark upon. Thank you Nicole!
I’m with you Tamara. I don’t think I’ve ever really claimed the compliments for myself either.
I agree, I am starting to allow myself to feel what has been shared, to feel the love the compliment comes with. However, I still feel slightly uncomfortable, which is showing me it’s something I’m not already fully appreciating about myself. There is still a part of me that feels I’m not quite deserving of the compliment.
I agree Tamara, an ‘awesome project to embark upon’. It has only been up until very recently, that I have also been one who didn’t quite know how to claim a compliment that has been given. It feels like the more we embrace the understanding of ‘reflection’ – the more we can humbly accept the compliment that is being offered. I find it to be an interesting arena to explore – where in the past I found it so very easy to compliment another truly – but the sense of perhaps ‘unworthiness’ springs to mind when reviewing my response in the past to a compliment that had been presented to me. Still very much a student on this one, a willing student nonetheless.
I can remember being embarrassed when someone would compliment me, it was oops someone has seen me.
Part of not accepting a compliment is playing small not wanting to be noticed or seen like you say Steve.
Yes Steve… a great ploy I discovered to stay small as Janina said. We are masters of playing to whatever serves us to stay right where we want to stay.
Yes, neither have I and it is only relatively recently that I’ve even managed to say ‘thank you’ without dismissing it entirely. A great project indeed, thank you.
‘Why is it so hard to accept, really accept a compliment?’ Brilliant question Nicole – it shines a bright light which shows us the way to step out of the shadows.
I have caught myself on many an occasion explaining away a compliment. For example, one of my usual patterns has been if someone says I look good or they like my shirt, I’ll explain where I got it from and how it was not that expensive, or that it was expensive and how I usually don’t wear that kind of thing.
It is a very effective way to deflect the compliment into an explanation of why and how things transpired to bring me a compliment, but that they had nothing to do with me. This completely undermines the fact that I actually deserve a compliment because I am worth complimenting!
I had a laugh at this Naren as I too have done this – justification for loving choices!
I’m laughing too Michelle and Naren! I have done exactly the same – I give the person complimenting me a full history of where I got the dress or pants or whatever (just to distract away from my inability to handle the compliment). And I have also clocked many times another of these spiels that pour out of the complimented person which goes something like, ‘Oh but this dress is so so COMFORTABLE’, when they have just been told how beautiful they look in a dress. I nearly used this one myself yesterday when someone complimented me on my pants and top outfit! Only just stopped it.
A very interesting question – why am I so quick to brush off a compliment. I know the feeling well, I too feel a little awkward and redirect the attention in record speed. And deep down I totally agree – it’s because I don’t really appreciate what others see in me… a gentle man with an abundance of love and regard for the world. This is definitely something to ponder on.
Reading this article has made me wonder how many times do I pay myself a compliment?… or in other words appreciate what I bring to the world and all those around me? The honest answer is not very often and I am often much quicker to find fault and beat myself up about something than I am in accepting myself but I am slowly learning to claim who I am and the postive inspiration I actually do have on everyone and everything I have contact with.
Love it Nicole – and how you now see compliments as a reflection – is it confirming or is it something that you are choosing not to feel? I am getting ready tomorrow and so reading this blog made me reflect on how will I take people giving me compliments, as I am often not wanting to be in the limelight so to speak. But reading your blog is very supportive in the sense of seeing compliments as an opportunity to accept and feel what my body is saying.
Accepting compliments is accepting ourselves and is beautiful and a great reflection of how much we love ourselves and know this. A sharing and realisation as to how much we dismiss the compliments also and our amazingness. wow what a beautiful difference this can make.
Compliments may even be delibrately designed to express or reflect back to us all the qualities that we actually find difficult to accept in ourselves!
Andrew, this is something I can feel when reading it. Actually I can say that not being able to accept an honest compliment – is indeed a reflection to me that I do not accept my own qualities. I do not value and appreciate these qualities in myself.
“So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself”
This is great Nicole, thank you, I’ll remember this.
Love you in that hat 1timrobinson!
Thanks Nicole, Often when people use to compliment me on the colour or piece of clothing I was wearing and I wouldn’t pay much attention to this. These days I can appreciate that there is often so much more being communicated at these times although we may not fully be expressing all we feel.
Accepting compliments and appreciation, and especially from myself, has been a topic that was work in progress for me. I realized recently that when I am connected to myself and to the purpose of life it is actually simple. The struggle comes when I am not truly myself and then I create doubt or resistance.
I loved this short article on compliments as I could relate to doing similar things when I receive a compliment, just brushing them off and not really stopping to feel what has been offered to me.
‘ When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen, . . . allowing my body to feel what has been said.’
Love what you you say here Nicole.
I agree Jenny, I will be putting this into practice myself and appreciating myself a lot more in the process.
A simple compliment already exposes the lack of self-worth most people have – to let in appreciation and accept it then becomes very challenging as if the body doesn´t seem to know how to open up and where to put it. Thus receiving compliments is a great reflection and opportunity to ‘practise’ and build self-worth.
Thank you Alex, I agree with you, our lack of self worth stops us from revealing in the compliment or beauty another sees in us. A compliment is a great place to start building more love for ourselves and to appreciate what others see in us.
And we experience the utter joy of each person´s unique expression of the stupendous divine source we all come from. To recognize one´s own qualities and abundance and hence the contribution to life for all equally is an essential aspect of evolution.
That is awesome, Alex. A great practice in being with ourselves and not running away from it!
It is the everyday things where we can heal the everyday hurts and falseness, real life is the place to reflect where we are at with ourselves and hence to reveal and shed off what we are not and to recognize and express who we truly are – life is medicine.
Indeed. Living real life, away from the distractions of entertainment and the false ideals and ideology that we are consume, is the only place where our true selves are revealed to us.
I do agree Alex, if we react or accept a compliment can show us where we stand with our self-worth. Though it depends with what intention the compliment is made. Is it an honest appreciation or may be a pleasing for example. The latter one does not feel true to me to accept.
It is so easy to go into the patter of ‘How are you?’ answer ‘fine, how are you?’ I have experimented with either not answering if they have actually left the room before I have had the time to reply or take the time to answer the question and if appropriate, to ask them. I have developed so many relationships in this way. People I know, don’t know, are never likely to know further, but those moments make the people I am talking to people. We have ‘a moment’ together and I love it.
That made me laugh Lucy, so often in one of my jobs I get the passing auto mode ‘How are you?’ and the person keeps walking on by….not even expecting a reply.
It is lovely though when the opportunity is taken to really stop for a moment to truly connect with someone.
Love it Lucy… cut out the perfunctory question that is only a social nicety, or a precursor to getting down to what they want and turn it around. An opportunity to connect if they want to (or not).
It’s true Nicole, compliments are a great marker of our level acceptance and appreciation of ourselves.
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
Wat een #GEWELDIG blog. Over de simpele reden dat #complimenten moeilijk te #accepteren zijn, omdat we dat wat iemand in ons ziet, we zelf niet #waarderen… Hierbij – in het Engels – de opmerking die ik bij dit geweldige blog geplaatst heb:
“Wow Nicole, what a perfect timing for me to read this blog. I’ve been wondering (but not taking the time to feel into it) why I can allow certain #compliments in and others not. And also some days I can, some days I can’t. After reading your blog it is actually so super simple as well as obvious. Every quality within me that isn’t honoured, appreciated by myself, yet is seen by someone else – I would dismiss. Rather than taking a deep #breath, feel the #joy of the #connection someone made and accept it in full. Yesterday a friend complimented me on the ‘professional way’ I was with her before a session #Esoteric #Healing. A different approach as what she’s experiencing when we’re friends. How lovely to get this feedback, supporting my own confidence, just by a confirmation. Thank you Nicole – you’re #naturalness, #innocence and deep care of and #love for humanity by sharing this, are deeply #appreciated.”
Wow Nicole, what a perfect timing for me to read this blog. I’ve been wondering (but not taking the time to feel into it) why I can allow certain compliments in and others not. And also some days I can, some days I can’t. After reading your blog it is actually so super simple as well as obvious. Every quality within me that isn’t honoured, appreciated by myself, yet is seen by someone else – I would dismiss. Rather than taking a deep breath, feel the joy of the connection someone made and accept it in full. Yesterday a friend complimented me on the ‘professional way’ I was with her before a session Esoteric Healing. A different approach as what she’s experiencing when we’re friends. How lovely to get this feedback, supporting my own confidence, just by a confirmation. Thank you Nicole – you’re naturalness, innocence and deep care of and love for humanity by sharing this, are deeply appreciated.
A great short blog Nicole and what a subject to talk about. I have to agree that in the past even a slight compliment and I run for the hills.
I recall being told that I was ‘full of myself’ and also modest. This made me play things down all the time and never ever stop, pause and appreciate my qualities that others can clearly see and feel.
Things are better today and I no longer brush off or dismiss a compliment and I am learning to say Thank You. Acceptance for me is a work in progress but it’s pretty strong now and I no longer dismiss a compliment as it is a confirmation of how I am feeling in that moment. What has helped me is using an app called ‘our cycles’ which I use every night before bedtime and tap the screen on how I feel or have been feeling that day. It shows me all the things I do accept and other things that I am not yet accepting and so it’s a great marker of where I am honestly at.
What a great way to use the ‘Our Cycles’ App Bina. I might have to use it along these lines myself to support myself with acceptance and confirmation.
You have brought up something very interesting here, Bina. We are often encouraged to brush off compliments with a, “oh, stop it” while we secretly are saying “please tell me more”. It is a false modesty that is very often actually more socially acceptable than standing in the full acceptance of ourselves and allowing the compliment to be felt by not only ourselves but by others, as in claiming the fact that we are deserving of a compliment.
Firstly, amazing that you obviously receive your fair share of compliments for you to even need to stop and ponder on your awesomeness that others are noticing! Great that you clocked that you were brushing them off too – and are now taking your time to actually acknowledge from within that someone is letting you know what they feel/like about what you are presenting/emanating. All very cool Nicole.
So lovely to appreciate that which another has seen. I also love the thought of having moments of awareness to self-appreciate.
What came to me as I read the first few lines of this blog is that the reason why we ‘find it difficult’ to accept compliments is because, if we allow, they take us into a moment of appreciation for ourselves. They can pull us back in to ourselves from the outer life of busy-ness and what we have to do, instead of simply who we are.
‘Compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself’ – this is such an awesome idea that I might have to borrow it! I am definitely getting better at accepting compliments, but there is still a little uncomfortableness in me, as you say, simply something I haven’t fully appreciated in myself.
I agree Meg, and it is a good way to shake of any left over false ideas of what it means to be humble or modest and just say ‘you know what I AM all that’
Yeah totally – I love true humbleness – knowing you are great and knowing your majesty, but knowing what makes you great and what makes you grand is simply being connected to the whole universe, and knowing your part in the bigger whole.
Absolutely Meg and true humbleness in knowing how grand you are but that every other person is equally grand. Isn’t this quite the opposite of what we have been living for so long – making yourself smaller, thinking being humble means not being allowed to appreciate yourself and then making sure no one else sticks out above that.
Accepting a compliment is surprisingly difficult. The Financial Times often has articles which tend to get lots of comments from readers about women feeling offended when a man said something nice and complimentary about them that acknowledged their femaleness, like complimenting them on an aspect of their clothing.
It seems many of us have deeply given up and are badly perturbed at even the possibility that they are beautiful human beings.
I agree Christoph, we are so used to bringing us down that it feels foreign to us to be lifted up and be loving held in the preciousness that we are.
About a year ago I had a session with an Esoteric Practitioner who gave me a beautiful compliment, at the time all I could say was “ahh” (as if I had seen a cute puppy) the practitioner pointed out that I was saying ahh in response but my body was not actually receiving the compliment. By saying ahh I was putting up a wall of protection. The next half a year followed and I found I used “ahh” when my partner gave me a compliment as well as my family and my friends. I realise I had it inbuilt in me as an automatic defense mechanism. It took a while to break the “ahh” habit and now I let my body truly feel the compliment offered, and why should I not? To truly accept a compliment is saying yes to the Love I know I am!
Beautiful samathaengland, “and why should I not”.., exactly. We are God inspired and in truth are pure Love…our natural essence. This expression is something to celebrate for sure.
Samanthaengland, thinking of you and reading through your words what struck me is that we often receive compliments but we do not see it as compliments and neither is the person giving the compliments aware of having complimented someone. You once gave me feed back that I was containing the joy I am feeling in life and not letting it show. This has helped me a lot and I think often of you. So even though what you had said to me was not meant as a compliment it was a compliment nevertheless, as you complimented me in confirming that I am super joyful, there was just this little obstacle I put to it, which you made me are of.
So the nature of a compliment is bigger than we allow us to see.
I can relate to having brushed off compliments – sometimes from being shy about showing that yes I do know that; not wanting to be arrogant. I can see now how the thought about it being arrogant is just not true – that we can appreciate our qualities without thinking we’re better than anyone else. When I fully accept a compliment it truly meets the other person and the moment feels complete.
The part you have about not wanting to be arrogant is a really vicious one. It affects so many people yet as you share it’s not true. What I can now see through compliments is the time and space to appreciate and confirm ourselves, the fact that another has shared one or we feel it for ourself matters not. What I had not seen before was that by not accepting a compliment we actually don’t meet the other and in fact brush off the opportunity for a deeper feeling of love between one another.
It’s lovely to have a stop moment and feel into my response to compliments which can vary depending on how open I am to fully receiving the compliment. You have spoken about the moments when we stop and feel the compliment Nicole – and because my mind feels like it’s on a constant racey momentum I am not sure I fully appreciate what has been said. It’s wonderful to have this new awareness and to allow the compliments of the future to settle deeper within and allow myself time to consider and reflect.
It sure is Susan. I really appreciate the gift Nicole has given us of having a stop moment to feel into our response to compliments. It’s a game changer!
Nicole I can relate so incredibly well to what you have shared. In the past not only would I brush off a compliment but I would water it down by explaining why what I had done/ said/ looked like wasn’t actually as good as it appeared ! Self sabotage. I no longer do that, in fact I have actually become rather good at self praise, which is something that was physically impossible for me to do not so long ago and it feels great !
I love this article Nicole, I have become aware recently that I can feel really awkward if someone pays me a compliment, I brush it off and try and move the conversation on, what you have written here is really supportive and I look forward to experimenting with allowing myself to feel a quality that another has seen in me and complimented me on, ‘When someone offers me a compliment I stop, don’t speak, I just let myself feel what is being shared and appreciate the quality that another has seen’.
Me too rebeccawingrave – I look forward to experimenting with accepting and appreciating any of my qualities which are recognised by another and reflected back to me via a compliment.
As members of the universe, living here on earth, we are constantly being asked to accept more of who we are, our place within the whole.
Beautiful line of truth Shami, forever expanding and accepting the magnificence we are.
Very beautifully put Shami, it opens it up to the responsibility we all have as members of the universe.
Oh I love that phrase Esther, ‘members of the universe’. So we are!
Allowing in someone who has shared with us something it feels about us is not usually easy. Feeling in the body the depth the reflection of us that was shared with us is not a common exercise. This reveals that the usual thank you is not really a heartfelt one, but a polite way of saying, there is no way I will allow this. What this reveals is the lack of self-acceptance and appreciation of our beauty and our qualities. This is something to work on as way of honouring ourselves and those that see something wonderful in us and share it with us.
This is so true Nicole for me too when I am offered a compliment at times, “it is not the compliment I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more” but I hadn’t realised this until I read your words, thank you for this clarity.
I have come to see this too Nicole, that to truly accept a compliment I must accept myself first. Appreciating myself on a daily basis allows me to know the truth of the compliment within myself and then it becomes very easy and joyful to accept the compliment.
Is it possible that part of finding it hard to accept a compliment is because we have from our own experience found that many compliments are empty remarks, meant to break a tension, get someone’s favour etc. Often we do not really connect and let another in. In the past years I have felt what a true compliment can feel like and how it feels to me is that this is when someone sees me for who I am and openly shares this with me.
Yes Carolien. Yes. Yes. Yes. In fact could it be said that a true compliment is very hard to reject because it comes with such love that the body can’t help but drink it in. Our mind might try to dance round it, but our bodies…
Ah yes yes to that Ottobathurst 🙂 and even when the mind and the mouth don’t accept it is felt deeply in the body, there is no way around true love in expression.
Which takes us neatly back to the gold of this blog.For even if the words aren’t heard, true compliments and true expression are the cornerstones of revolution for us all.
As a slight side-bar to this conversation, I can also feel that I have had many untrue compliments in my life. Compliments that have in fact be riddled with jealousy and/or judgement. This feels like the white elephant in this discussion and we perhaps are not as discerning as we need to be about which compliments we let in and which we see for what they are. I raise this because I wonder if this issue is as simple as us not accepting compliments? Do we perhaps instinctively know this and thus part of our reluctance to accept a compliment is sometimes down to the fact that not always are they true?
I get what you are saying here Otto, sometimes it feels like what is a subtle backhanded compliment can be laced with jealousy. Or as has been my experience giving a compliment to curry favour, I know I have been on the receiving end of this one and been the giver also.
Absolutely. If I compliment you, will you like me – or maybe even give me a compliment back, because I’m feeling super needy. Yuck. Yet we have all played that game for sure. Maybe it isn’t any wonder that find it hard to accept a compliment when, so often they haven’t been true?!
After reading this blog yesterday I realised later just what you are talking about and could see that compliments can also be made from jealousy or wanting a compliment back for themselves. I have also felt when someone is in jealousy and they can’t say anything at all though the most natural thing in the world would be to express in a complimentary way!
A good point Otto – I have sometimes felt there was a hidden agenda in the compliment – especially when I was younger. So important to discern the energy a compliment is given with.
Yes Otto, I can always feel when a compliment given isn’t true or comes with an agenda. This feels very different in the body to a compliment expressed genuinely and in true appreciation.
I agree ottobathurst, and it does come down to discernment on our behalf. There are many reasons someone may pay you a compliment such as feeling awkward and not really knowing what to say, and also reasons as you mentioned such as jealousy and judgement. I believe we can be pretty clear when someone is being genuine, as it is felt rather than just relying on what we are hearing.
This is a great point. Giving compliments can often be a way to lie about how we are feeling about someone or something. We might compliment someone on receiving a promotion yet behind our words are feelings of resentment or jealousy. Another example might me a sports star congratulating the winner in some competition yet secretly they are full of resentment that they lost. When this type of compliment is given we all feel how empty and insincere the compliment is and how it feels like a poison being poured over us.
Yes Elizabeth, another example of a poisoned ‘compliment’ is that given out of pity or sympathy, which both feel gross and something that I am guilty for. Feels great to expose this and I can feel the level of equality that is called for, since a compliment that is tainted with pity is holding the other person as less, as not good enough or in need of propping up. Now I could be attuning to their need or confidence issues and falsely giving them what they seek, OR I am terrified of being all my light and don’t want the jealousy to come at me so I use this false compliment as a buffer or way to bring myself down.
So true Elizabeth. And so insidious. The compliment gets you in the door and then the jealousy follows.
A very real point ottobathurst and all – it’s true! Sometimes I can respond to this sort of tainted compliment (which is actually a put down) with arrogance and hardness as a protection to not feel the sadness from another not meeting me in the Glory I am walking and know the other to be.
So rather than a ‘back handed compliment’ you are coining a new phrase…. the ‘back stabbing compliment’!
We do know and at the same time we do know when a true compliment is given to us, the same is with love and truth, we simply do know but we like to play the game of well there is so much false compliments, false love, false truth in the world so I have the right to refuse true compliments, true love and truth, all the while we are just shying away from the responsibility we have in all of this.
And that is the real damage that these false truths do. It is not so much what they deliver but more the trust that they destroy.
Compliments are truly lovely to receive when we can honestly feel the truth of the words shared with us from another. There is a warm fuzzy feeling within that lifts us and our day. Thank you Nicole for the reminder.
You are absolutely right Roslyn, every compliment we receive and accept is an opportunity to heal within, and this is the warmth we feel.
Nicole it most definitely is the ultimate appreciation of all is our stopping and fully appreciating who we are. One that I am still learning to embrace and the more you do it the deeper I can see is possible. I know exactly what you say about the brush of and not allowing to hear or feel what the other person is seeing. This is definitely changing and not being ashamed to stand out and be amazing is starting to feel more normal. It is crazy though that in today’s world someone that is shining and standing out for being amazing is so few and far between and that it is our normal to be everything but this. This we need to stop and consider that as a society something is clearly wrong.
If we exchanged every critical and judgemental gesture, word and expression with one of appreciation the world would rapidly change towards a consistency of love and brotherhood.
Beautiful Esther! I was so glad to hear you say this! It was like a confirmation from Heaven, very relevant to an exchange I had yesterday.
Nicole, every time I read a blog of yours your beauty and honesty and knack of getting to the core of what is going on is simply amazing. You have expressed here exactly how I feel when given compliments. I shy away from them, feel awkward and make almost apologetic reasons to brush them off. I will now try and accept them with a little more grace.
Well how about I give you one kevmchardy – here now, written down, in front of you, so you can’t wriggle away from it. I love the genuineness of your appreciation. It’s super rare and very special.
I love it ottobathurst and I absolutely agree Kevin’s genuineness is very heartwarming and brings trust and solidness to the world.
It’s nectar for us all. Particularly for us men. To hear a man express with such openness and tenderness. Wonderful.
Two men in appreciation of each other…that is medicine I shall drink in deeply.
Indeed it is a medicine Rachel Mascord. Free, no subscription needed, accessible to all, no maximum dosage, no danger of over-does, no nasty side effects, no allergies, no developed immunity…..it’s the very best medicine available. Yet, so very few of us take it or serve it in the quantity and purity that we so desperately need. Crazy.
“Thank you”. Such a loaded expression. Such a powerful guard. Such a two-faced beast. Just like you I have used one version of ‘thank-you’ so often as a tool to stop me feeling the fullness of a compliment. And just like you, I am committing to pausing and really drinking these compliments in.
It is like bringing oneself to eat and digest something that is utmost delicious and actually very much desired but suspicious at the same time.
This blog and your comment ottobathurst explode more than just our relationship to compliments. You have exposed a truth about the way we use language as a shield to create an illusion that we have agreed to something when in fact we have not. Our body is in rejection but our mouth is forming the polite noise of agreement.
It is time for us to drop the conventions, be they of agreement or rejection and drink deeply from our bodies….soak in deeply the truth of our magnificence and worth.
Yes. And the irresponsibility of this. It is an out-and-out lie.
I can feel that there is so much more to be said on this. That disconnect between what our body feels and what our mouths are saying. If you look at it from a really simple engineering/biological angle (and by the way I’m no expert on this at all which is why I’m looking at it so simplistically – but there is merit in that) you have a body that feels one thing, undeniably and in fullness…and then a mouth that says something else…so along that chain of command, collection of cogs, though those wires, impulses, switches and buttons between body and mouth, something has happened to that message. NO has become YES. Now in any other machine, contraption, conveyor belt, electronic pathway or whatever organisation, communication method, or whatever, that would be considered, rightly so, a totally unacceptable malfunction. The process would get stopped immediately, the machine taken apart, the problem addressed, and the system fixed. It’s a page one super obvious major system error. Alarm bells. Analysis. get the experts in. Fix it. YET, we are doing this hundreds of moments every day. And do nothing about it It’s crazy. One word. Responsibility.
What a superb analogy ottobathurst. In any process where there is such a profound mismatch between inputs and outputs it would be deemed deeply flawed and completely unreliable.
In biological systems such a schism would result in death of the cell/organ/organism. Biological processes are entirely dependant upon consistency, no subterfuge or fight between the parts. Each part of the body communicates its inner workings with absolute clarity. There can be no confusion, for when there is confusion and miscommunication we have disease.
Otto I love how you have dissected what we are doing with ourselves all the time and yet keep on going. This speaks of two things: what an amazing body we live in that takes up with A LOT of crap from us and and how very untruthful and abusive we are with ourselves and how we have come to see this as normal.
Oh hoorrahh Rachel. I hoped that someone with some proper scientific knowledge would come along and translate my random analogy into something with more authority! What you have said is so spot on and cracks the door open onto something that you clearly know a lot about. (I guess the clue is in the ‘Dr’?!) I wanna hear more!!
Too funny ottobathurst. You nailed it beautifully. Cells communicate with clarity. Their messages are absolute, whatever form they take. Whether the signals be made with little chemical flags on their surface, or chemicals they secrete to send their messages further, every signal is very precise about what is going on and what they need. No subterfuge and no second guessing. It is by this means that we have such an extraordinary immune system that can send troops vast distances and with such alacrity and accuracy.
Isn’t it funny when you consider that cells have got it together with communication, but pile them up into a human being and the results are less than inspiring!
I get a sense from your response Rachel that this inter-cell communication is a very absolute process. It feels almost binary. Yes or No. On or Off. There is no maybe, no discussion, no possibly. If the whole human being lived with the same absoluteness of the cells that are inside it, then the world would be a very different place.
Ambiguity would soon be outed! Take for example autoimmune diseases. In these conditions the immune system starts to treat its own cellular brothers as “outsiders”, attacking them. Very rapidly the person with that condition gets ill indeed…yes, very much like our society with its mixed messages and its ugly internal divisions, hatreds and disunity.
You have really Cracked onto something here Otto! hoots that for a compliment.
Such a beautiful topic to write about Nicole, thank you. I can feel I also do not really take compliments in as much as I could. Even though I am not denying them as I say ‘thank you’ or ‘yes I agree’, instead of in the past the saying things like ‘oh no’ or ‘you are great too’. Really feeling the compliment and appreciating that what I have been complimented on will give true confirmation and expansion. I can feel we cannot truly grow or move on when we do not confirm and appreciate ourselves in full.
Very true Lieke, we do not grow or move one when we do not confirm and appreciate ourselves in full, and when we do, we are easily able to accept a compliment if it is a truth as it resinates with our own inner knowingness.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your little ‘game’! It inspires me to do this experiment myself. Sometimes I can easily let a compliment in but other times… pffff. And I feel what you ‘ve realised here is an important part of appreciating what is said. ‘What I am beginning to realise though is, it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.’
It can seem flippant to say “I am amazing”, but when you start to even get an inkling of how amazing each of us really is, it is a precious moment to appreciate your own personal style of amazing, not for what you do, but for who you are.
Beautiful Heather – our own personal style of amazing.
It has always been easy for me to see the beauty in another and to share that with the person. One day reflecting on this I realised that love is giving and receiving and that one of the things it was time to start dong, was to open myself to receiving. This could be when someone offers a service, a gift or even their beautiful company. I love the deeper understanding you have brought in this blog Nicole – that of taking the time to stop, receive and hold the offering of love from another. We are amazing and it is time to claim that.
I have a similar experience, Nicole, that I reinterpret compliments as being not true in not appreciating me in full. But I see more and more how this is a game to not need to take the next step to honour myself and to honour the person who has said it.
Acceptance of ourselves as amazing divine beings has been something that has been systematically broken down over the years and I feel this has been a deliberate attempt to make us feel less than the powerful and loving beings we innately are. When one feels less it is hard to feel powerful and capable of amazing things and of true service to humanity. I have been healing this since hearing the presentations of the Ancient Wisdom by Universal Medicine. To accept one in full and express from this place takes time when we have placed so many pressures on ourselves. Accepting compliments is a step in the loving direction of how amazing we all truly are.
So very beautifully said Tracy. We are enormously capable and powerful when we are fully gathered together, united, within ourselves. In rejecting compliments we are in fact rejecting entire parts of ourselves and pulling ourselves to pieces. This is incredibly disempowering, makes us more uncertain and insecure.
When we brush away a compliment we are in fact confirming that lesser state, and slamming the door on who we truly are. To say ‘yes’ when are complimented opens the door to the greatness, as awkward and uncomfortable as it may initially be.
I just realised that how I compliment others is actually usually based on things they have chosen to wear or how they look – this does not address the depth of the person always and so in this rather than express the truth of what I am feeling I tell them something that ‘softens the delivery’ for me and this we both lose out. This is great to reveal as when I see someone radiating and emanating all that they are – that is what I want to say not – your hair looks nice.
Good point Lee. We can often see someone radiating through their eyes but don’t express this as it is not something that is generally expressed. We compliment in accepted and calibrating ways and as you say, both parties lose out on this way of communicating. With people I know and trust I can express that they’re radiating and emanating all that they are but this isn’t something that comes natural to everyone so a great point to make and work on bringing more truth to compliments.
I do recognise that Lee, that there is a relation between giving compliments and being able to receive them. If we are not able to express what we feel about someone’s expression, but instead only stay on the surface by saying ‘your hair looks nice’ we are to my experience equally not able to receive and let in compliments from others. For me being open and true in giving compliments to others, and include my appreciation for the other person in all that I express, does support me at the receiving end as well, as I am now more open to let in what is being shared with me and open to appreciate that what they say as I can relate to is as I can clearly feel that in my body.
Hear what your saying Lee Green, what is the true expression, your hair looks nice, or what you really wanted to say; you are absolutely radiating today….. there is a huge difference for the person receiving the true expression – a great reminder for me today to express what is there to express…..with no holding back!
This is a good point Lee, to express truth and not just be nice.
Lee you made me chuckle, that’s actually very funny.
Just reading the word chuckle, makes me chuckle! How ridiculous it is that we still focus on the outer when complimenting others.
A great point Lee – thankyou for this observation. I have tended to compliment on the ‘outer’ ’til now.
Exactly Lee, when you see someone radiating and emanating all that they are it is super great to feel and acknowledge that rather than a ‘go to’ compliment about their appearance which doesn’t touch nearly as deeply as when you express to another what you actually felt.
Great example Lee, I have had compliments about the dress I was wearing that felt exactly like you describe and I ‘joked’ back that is was the woman in the dress that made the dress look awesome.
I agree Monika, it is the woman in the dress that makes the dress look awesome. And the beautiful dress can highlight or compliment the woman’s beauty with a wonderful alchemy!
Lee we can all learn from what you share. And a gift for the other person to have their true qualities confirmed by another.
Yes I have noticed how I can do this or have received compliments in the same way. It feels like it comes back to having to express about something that is seen and physical as this carries more value rather than simply expressing about the quality that is being felt.
This is so true Lee, softening the delivery for the complimenter and the acceptance for the complimented – our first impulse is ‘Wow’ and then we package it into something less so that no one has to step up to the absoluteness we have felt in the initial ‘Wow’!
This is so cool Nicole – many times we receive compliments and the instant deflection of them like a strong backhand tennis shot actually confirms that we do not deserve the compliment – the action is to knock it away as quickly as possible. Your experimental game is fantastic and something I will certainly play with.
It would be actually ridiculously funny that we try to get rid of a compliment like the plague if it wasn´t exposing the deep lack of self-worth we hold onto. But even when we are not able to receive and accept the compliment we still like to get it, we just don´t know how to handle the ‘hot potato’.
Great acknowledge that Lee, how we can bat off compliments in a knee jerk reaction.
It is super important that we ‘observe ourselves’ and be honest about what we are feeling. This self reflection is an important step in learning to appreciate ourselves and thus accepting we are in fact well worth every compliment we receive.
The observation is essential, but so often the observation is about how we need to fix something, or get better. Instead observing from a place of appreciation allows us to work on discarding what is not us, and confirm the amazingness we already are.
Well said Heather ‘observing from a place of appreciation’ gives us a bedrock from which to discard that which does not belong.
I agree Heather. It’s a completely different perspective that people will not be able to resist complimenting.
Yes Heather, and naturally so. When we stop trying and just be . .
This is is a really good point Matthew. We have to be fully honest in our self-observation. Without that then the same level of honesty is not delivered within our self-appreciation. Self-appreciation is, in my opinion, one of the most powerful and needed medicines for the body. But, if we have been lying to ourselves about how we are feeling then we will be lying to ourselves when we self-appreciate. It’ll be empty words and will not create the solid foundation that self-appreciation can build and that we so definitely need. Very revealing point Matthew. Thank you.
Our greatest compliment is to accept ourselves in full and this always begins with the relationship we hold and cherish with ourselves. When we then compliment another person, truly appreciating this quality and valuing who they are we do so from a knowing of equality and therefore a full package of love from ourselves.
Wow, it’s like receiving a gift directly from heaven and the gift is us, delivered preciously to the equal gift of another.
Cherise, this is lovely how you express the fact of how healing a compliment is when spoken from love for both, the one who expresses and the one who receives it.
This is gorgeous, Cherise and something I am taking into my heart as I can feel the preciousness of it for me and those I am in contact with on a daily basis.
Beautifully said Cherise, absolutely from the equality of full appreciation.
We can truly accept compliments from others when we fully appreciate ourselves. And as you say Cherise, complimenting another person must come from a place of equal-ness, authenticity and love.
“Wow, it’s like receiving a gift directly from heaven and the gift is us, delivered preciously to the equal gift of another.”
This is love, the knowingness, the beingness that we are everything already, face to face.
I just thought to add that I have also started not being wary of saying I feel great or my life is awesome, not in a boast but in a yeah this is where I am today. Not every day I can say that but when I am I let people hear it and it’s surprising also how much people appreciate hearing that.
That feels great Vanessa to let other people hear that, as it offers them a reflection of a different way to express as opposed to always focusing on our aches or complaints in life…and at the same time offers people an opportunity to feel how they are feeling…
I find that to be true also Jacqmcfadden04 -I have an opportunity often in the lift of my apartment building to share such as this. It comes as a surprise to me when now on those odd occasions the response is of a ‘down-hearted’ nature – I find these short exchanges with visitors and residents alike quite a joyfull experience, often finishing with a bit of laugh as they exit. They usually get out before me as our apartment is on the 22nd floor, and I leave the elevator with a smile on my face. How much fun is that still feeling the playfullness of the interraction.
I have also began to express how I really feel and it opens others up and it feels that sometimes it gives them a moment for self reflection.
Yup. That’s the gold in this. Through our honesty we then inspire others to look more deeply at the way they are feeling. The ripple effect is immediate and dramatic.
I love this. I also have started this. When someone asks me, in the standard robotic fashion; “how are you?”, I now stop, pause, feel how I feel and then give them a full answer. Nine times out of ten, they love it; it breaks down walls and immediately deepens the connection. And apart from anything else, it feels great to confirm it for myself…..or, if I’m not doing so good, to be publicly honest about that fact. Either way, the truth is way, way superior to adding more white noise to the world.
Love the ‘stop, pause, feel’ moment. Sometimes people aren’t actually expecting a full reply with their everyday ‘how are you?’ But when we give a full response it enables them to express how they too are feeling in return – be it ‘good’ or’ ‘not so good’ – more honesty then.
“Either way, the truth is way, way superior to adding more white noise to the world” – I love the way you present that ottobathurst, and very true obviously.
Yes we have an abundance of white noise in the world ottobathurst, the truth is so refreshing. It’s interesting how robotic we can be about asking one another how we are. I know that I can do that very easily and am wanting to catch those moments so that instead of just white noise, it becomes a true moment to connect with another. Practice makes perfect as they say and it’s a lot of fun to practice making connections with other people, it doesn’t take much and it’s so beautiful when we do.
I loved reading your comment from word one ottobathurst. There’s such an innocence, knowing, joy and sparkle within these words. I’m inspired by you’re taking the time to stop and feel. I’m doing that too, but can feel that there’s still the belief that I have to be quick with an answer rather then just stand still and really feel! I can feel the joy in the conversations that then follow. Obviously true ones as you’ve spoken from your body and own truth. How simple can life be, really…
Agreed ottobathurst, the truth is way way superior to adding white noise to the world! Love how you expressed this and it is true it feels so good to be publicly honest about how you are feeling instead of our rote answers like ‘good thanks’.
Yes ottobathurst, an unexpected gift of connection – how beautiful, and sorely needed.
“White noise”. What a great description of the empty noise we make when we say “I’m fine” when we are anything but that. If we are going to make a noise let it be truth and not more pollution.
Hear hear ottobathurst, absolutely agree with the white noise observation. “stop, pause, feel..”
Love it
I love speaking truth to the question ‘how are you?’ It allows connection with the other and speaking in absoluteness when I am doing great also seals the door for ‘doubt-thoughts’ coming in and give a clarity in myself and my body.
This brings a smile to my face ottobathurst – the world is starving for honesty (among other things) and people love to know and feel that they are worthy of a full response and not just a mechanical, polite gesture that means so little. I tell people where I am at, whether it be hungry or upset about how I started the day or feeling hard on myself or simple loving the day cause I am in it! People light up instantly and it gives them a chance to get to know someone in a moment. We are so deeply connected that the ‘good’ response robs us of honouring that connection and keeps our walls up.
I love it – bringing the truth of how we are feeling in full when asked ‘how are you?’ And we can ask the same in return in the knowing that we are here to celebrate our grandness and joy together, not as a robotic conversation opener which doesn’t really expect anything but ‘I am fine’.
Otto what you share exposes the standard questions we ask or are asked and our ‘white noise’ responses. Choosing to ‘pause, stop, feel, and answer fully’ offers more honest communication with others and allows them to be the same. I sometimes hesitate to share how I truly feel whether its amazing or less so, but much more aware of what this says about me when I am this way.
As an addition to this, what I have also wrestled with is time. It is a fact of life that there sometimes isn’t the time to engage in a full answer on this kind of thing. And it often isn’t appropriate. BUT that doesn’t mean we can’t still be honest. The slightest phase, a true connection and a genuine answer is such gold for most of the world that it will have a ginormous effect on the other person. We are so used to the coldness, so used to the brick walls. So when you do offer more, offer all of yourself, offer a truth, it is absolute nectar that can totally change a whole dynamic, room, person, life.
I love this too. It gives a stop moment to the automatic-ness of conversations. It offers a moment of real connection.
I like what you share Monkia R. The importance of saying the truth as an expression of self-appreciation. Us Brits are particularly bad at this. Being polite and under-playing how we are feeling. If you feel great – say it – say it loud – even if no-one else hears it, your body will!
Yes, Vanessa, if we don’t start sharing in our everyday lives how amazing things are, no-one gets to see and feel that there is another way that can be simply and naturally lived.
True Janet: if we don’t share with others the beauty and simplicity of our lives, they don’t get to feel and see that there is another way to be in life.
Yes, a great example of how not holding back can be so healing for others.
Spot on Michelle, us expressing in full is the great cycle of evolution.
Just the simple everyday response to the question “how are you” when shared with honesty can be a door opener, to express how really great one feels can even open a deep buried giving upness as it shows that it is possible and when it is possible for one it is also possible for everyone else.
It’s definitely what we need more of in the world Alex, people sharing how great they feel with one another. So often we look to the negative and fail to appreciate the simple joys of life. Taking a moment to share our appreciation and joy can make such a difference to someone’s day. We should do it more often!
It is the nectar that nurtures who we are and it clears the rotten falseness of unworthiness that poisons us.
Yes Vanessa, people do appreciate it when we joyfully share truth from our heart , and it gives them an opportunity to do the same.
It seems quite rare when people state how well they are and you can actually genuinely feel they are truly well. I am inspired to bring this into my life more which may I add can go against the embedded culture of Australia which is more about putting ourselves down under the guise of modesty or complaining about something that isn’t going great when one asks.. How are you?
I love this Vanessa because they get to feel the normalness of this awesome, we can all discern the emptiness of someone bigging themselves up, but to feel the walked confidence of this greatness is truly a blessing.
Yes, it is really good to hear that somebody is feeling great and to have the reflection of the body expressing the same.
I have started on the same road as you Nicole, I am accepting compliments and allowing myself to feel the truth of the appreciation. It becomes easier the more you do it!
I love that Nicole “take stock of the amazingness” this is clearly a super healthy thing to do for ourselves.
Very true rosannabianchini. I have fallen for ‘working on myself’ and forgetting to appreciate and value myself. There is also the appreciation of how amazing we all are and the fact that I dedicate much effort to the journey of evolution. This is important as it builds a steady rock solid foundation of joy of which to live from. It’s now something I do regularly, just in-joying me, knowing I am more than this physical body and developing an incredible relationship with the hierarchy.
Gorgeous approach to life Matthew, something I am relearning too and something I will impart when I next have children, that they can grow and flourish knowing their true worth and value from the start.
That we are funny human beings. it’s so true, complaints and critiques are easily given, yet it’s almost taboo to recognise the beauty and qualities in another- and share this with them.
This is so revealing Nicole and shows me how I don’t truly appreciate all that I am. When someone pays me a compliment it should be in confirmation of that which I already know and appreciate in myself. Often for me, it is a bit of a shock and I brush it off quickly because I have not recognized and fully appreciated this within myself first.
I think many would be guilty of this way of thinking Lee. It is a great topic to explore with oneself and others. A compliment shouldn’t be a shock to the system, as you say, it should be a confirmation of how you are already feeling. This is something I will bring focus to over in the future and see what unfolds.
Nicole, well well spoken. This is so often experienced, I think by all, yet we seem to think this is ok and normal. But what if this denial is actually not good for us?
I found it very interesting to explore this for myself, as I feel I have brushed off a lot of compliments, or even bounced back the compliment towards the person, making a similar comment, to make them not feel less or take the pressure of me. It is very clever, yet not truly wise. What is very beautiful what you have shared here is: that we are to see ‘receiiving a compliment’ as a time to take stock of how often you are stopping to appreciate yourself, from now on I will make sure I stop when I am given a compliment and let the person in – instead of defending my hurts or images. Thank you Nicole – you rock!
Great point Nicole, how compliments sometimes confirm what I am already feeling and other times, that I am not with myself and not appreciating me.
A beautiful blog to read at this moment Nicole. Compliments have been a hard pill for me to swallow at times and I don’t always stop and appreciate the beauty held within that. But appreciation is the greatest medicine for all to see just how absolutely amazing we are. I’m now going to take a moment to appreciate the comment I have just expressed and all that this blog encompasses.
That it does Katie, it makes complete sense why I am yet to feel 100% comfortable when a compliment comes my way, as I am still yet to comfortably or effortlessly list things I appreciate in myself.
Great to have this oppurountiuy to reflect “So compliments have now become my friend, a way for me to stop and recognise when I have or have not taken stock of the amazingness for myself,” We honour ourselves and the person sharing the compliment when we are open to it.
We allow our appreciation to deepen and the joy and celebration of being who we are to shine brightly with the honouring and acceptance of who we are .. purity and loveliness held in a love that reflects the true compliment we are by just being in the world.
Great points made in this article. I had this moment once when my husband offered me a heartfelt amazing compliment, I was seen for who I really am and I could feel it and I rejected it, it shocked me to be aware that I had said no to this amazing gesture. I became aware how often and easily I must have rejected true compliments in the past and how this would play out in our relationship and with others. Firstly I knew that it was me that had the issue, if I choose to accept the compliment that would mean I was greater and more amazing than I had been telling myself and I would have to step up to this true reflection and second I decided to begin to meet people and myself with more love, so that when I had a compliment it was met with the love it had been shared in.
Nicole thank you for sharing your insights on this subject – who would have thought there was so much behind out lack of appreciation of ourselves and the compliments we receive? From now on I will feel every compliment and allow the opportunity to reflect on my ability to appreciate the quality within that a true compliment is touching. I too have noticed that the more I appreciate and accept myself the more willing I am to gracefully accept the confirmation a true compliment brings.
Previously I have found compliments awkward to accept because I have not wanted to be recognised for the qualities that I have for fear of standing out. It’s amazing that we live in denial of the qualities we bring and shy away from the appreciation of it from others.
This is an amazing revelatory point Michael – reacting to a compliment in protection! As you say: ‘I have found compliments awkward to accept because I have not wanted to be recognized for the qualities that I have for fear of standing out’. We do not want to cop the flack, which at rock bottom comes from jealousy being aimed at us.
Really beautiful Nicole – appreciating and accepting yourself more. I know when I was younger I didn’t know how to accept a compliment and I notice many women are in the same boat. Yet all are undeniably beautiful. It’s amazing how we condition ourselves to be and accept less. And not feel our worth. I have noticed more too how loving and appreciating myself has lead me to accept compliments as I am complimenting and recognising that in myself also.
I too am able to accept compliments more because I have made a commitment to recognising the many qualities I have and celebrate these instead of playing them down or not acknowledging them.
This blog is a great call for repose and self-appreciation. At times we can get caught up in working on issues and what holds us back that we often loose sight of how far we have come and what there is to appreciate about the steps taken on the path of return. Can anything truly move if we do not surrender and appreciate all we are first?
Really good point to make Rachael. When we focus on achieving something and we may not be at that moment in the exact time frame we set ourselves it is easy to feel as though we are failing. I have to constantly remind myself to appreciate how far I have come from a life of constant partying and abusing my body to one that now has a lot less abuse to the body and a strong commitment to healing. Accepting compliments is hard for some because we set our standards so high and although we may not be exactly where to want to be it’s nice to stop and say wow, look where I once was and look how amazing my life is now.
Great question to ask of ourselves Nicole, thank you. In doing so I realise I am still yet to really accept compliments. Recently I had gone from completely negating them to giving a thank you which was really only a way to get through the uncomfortable moment as quickly as possible. What I also realise now is how in fact that is insulting to another who is genuinely appreciating.
I have noticed that I sometimes battle to receive compliments even when I have connected to the quality seen by another. Even if I have clocked that ‘I look lovely’ or ‘am feeling amazing’, I am still stuck in the idea that I must not be full of myself – I should rather be self-depreciating. When we don’t confirm what another feels in us and felt to express, this leaves everyone less. In the future they may doubt what they feel and not honour their impulse to compliment another.
I saw this when I introduced an appreciation art unit to my year 10 students. They could appreciate others but were afraid to appreciate themselves for fear of being seen as ‘up themselves or full of themselves’. It was much more comfortable for them to pick many faults in themselves. It took a lot of classroom discussion to break down this mentality but it was like it was programmed into their minds and that it was impossible for them to truly appreciate themselves or find 2 or 3 lovely qualities and strengths. Children are living in a time where technology is constantly feeding them images about the perfect image and life and I feel many kids feel the pressure to be perfect and therefore are always feeling that they are less because they are comparing themselves to incredibly high standards of elite sports people or celebrities. Giving a student a compliment can be very difficult for them to hear and many students respond in a very shy and blushing way. When we are able to feel the beauty of our connection and can express from within we allow ourselves to let go of feeling that we cannot accept compliments. Humanity has a lot of healing to do in this area.
How inspiring Tracy, to hear about your experiences of introducing appreciation into the classroom. Kids are up against a barrage of media and Internet imagery and expectation, and it is no mean feat to be able to negotiate this (in addition to negotiating the usual teenage package that can be happening). When you spoke of teens shyly responding to compliments, I remembered how even up to last year this could happen to me at my age. When this did happen I could nevertheless feel myself registering a quite ‘positive’ response underneath it all but was not yet open to showing that response outwardly.
What a beautiful gift you are giving your students Tracy whilst breaking down the consciousness of perfection that is so damaging.
It is so very damaging and it wreaks a lot of havoc on the confidence and self esteem of young people.
I love attention and compliments – but am I really feeling the truth of the compliment or just accepting the attention? I can often say ‘I know’ when given a compliment as to not seem surprised but this can come across as ungrateful. I love the grace you are now allowing yourself Nicole, to actually stop and feel what is being said, feel the beauty of you being confirmed before saying anything back. Every moment counts and has something to teach us.
Beautiful Rachel and Nicole – allowing the grace and space to feel the compliment, instead of coming back with an instant answer, is so key! We can feel how we are feeling, we can feel the quality of the compliment itself (from truth or not) and then we can respond. No more ‘quick draw McGraw’, or indeed ‘quick withdraw McGraw’.
Perfectly said Rachael,” Every moment counts and has something to teach us.” And every compliment that’s met with an “I know” is a moment of grace and appreciation that was possibly missed.
This is an awesome sharing Nicole… and so exposing. I have always cringed inside when given a compliment but have never examined it like you have here to realise the level of resistance I am putting up may be from not allowing myself to feel that I could actually look or be what another compliments me on, let alone more. It is gorgeous to consider that perhaps I just need to deepen the level of appreciation for myself and recognise that maybe I am all what another feels to compliment me on and I just haven’t allowed myself to accept or honour that yet.
The warmth of a compliment can meet me from the core. A true compliment and letting it in is a gathering of Soul, it’s making love and it is just as much a gift coming through the one complimenting as it is a gift coming through the one letting the compliment in.
Gorgeous felixschumacher8! Precisely.
It is great, Nicole, that you have brought up this subject. Appreciation has been quite a big problem for me, I was brought up to never be ‘up myself’, not to stand out. It was considered vanity to give any consideration to how I might be looking etc. But with the help of Serge Benhayon and Natalie Benhayon especially, I have come to see just how important it is for us to be able to appreciate ourselves. Until recently I have had great difficulty in ever accepting a compliment, have deflected it quickly, to downgrade myself to others being better etc. It has always been very embarrassing for me to truly accept a comment. In the past few years, I have been working very much on myself, paying much more attention to all the little details, learning to choose clothes that really suit me, clothes that I love, that may be fun etc., according to how I am feeling at the time, as well as what and how I eat, how I live my life day to day etc. And I have come to actually appreciate just how far I have come over the past 9 years. The word ‘appreciate’ is no longer the bogey that it previously was to me, and when someone now pays me a compliment, at last I am becoming more comfortable in truly accepting it, after all, we know when we are looking and feeling really good, so if someone else notices this and comments on it, it actually now feels great to be able to truly accept it as a confirmation of how I am. That makes me now appreciate just how much I have changed, wow.
Katie your words resonate deeply ‘we feel the sting from the exposed lack of self-love/appreciation’. Ouch, that feels true.
I used to downplay compliments all the time as I did not want to be a seen as someone that was ‘full of themselves’. When I was growing up this was deemed as someone who considered themselves above another and would be ridiculed if you claimed a greatness about yourself. How vicious and damaging comparison and jealousy is. I now realise that living unclaimed due to what others may think is not truly living who we all are, but rather living as a captive. Now I enjoy feeling and claiming more and more how beautiful it is to be ‘full of my loving self’.
It’s a real trick Carola. I remember at school (and after school too) that it was a real criticism for ‘loving yourself’ which was re-interpreted as being ”full of yourself”. It is so related to comparison and jealousy when someone is seeing a person really stepping up and realising that they themselves are making the choice not too so go into take down mode.
True Carola Woods, this is how comparison and jealousy is played out when we are young, certainly a factor in my own playing it down and it gave me the feeling of tightness in my own skin because of an uneasiness I had to go through life. Receiving a compliment and letting it in is an amazing support in claiming who I am, who we are.
Yep, that insidious old lie that tells us we are selfish if we think we’re awesome, if we love who we are and appreciate ourselves. Being ‘full of loving ourselves’ is actually the most natural thing in the world.
I have been another of those to find it difficult to accept a compliment and nearly always go into a ‘mini story’ like using it as an excuse to not accept that it could be really true. Why is it that we do this? Is it possibly because to accept a compliment we have a marker of how we can be and we don’t want that self responsibility? Allowing myself to accept a compliment has been something I have come to really appreciate for as you say Nicole it supports me to feel “that it is not only great to have another to see me for who I am, but also for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all”.
I lived with this issue for most of my life whereby I wanted other people to see something positive in how I looked or what I said or did but then when I got a compliment I would downplay it and go into explanations/justifications or simply quickly dismiss or over ride it in my mind or worse still – immediately set the bar higher for myself for ‘next time’ . This has changed in recent years and it feels lovely to receive compliments which I allow myself to open and accept. I have also opened up more in terms of complimenting others when I notice something that I am genuinely appreciating.
The ultimate compliment you offer yourself becomes the ultimate compliment to us all. The more naturally we accept and appreciate and live the amazingness we are the more we feel and appreciate it others. And so the cycle continues. What a lovely way to live, enjoy and celebrate ourselves and others. A true way of harmoniously loving and supporting ourselves, each other and humanity.
Acceptance is indeed “the ultimate compliment of all” in our relationship with self… the more accepting of ourselves we are, the more loving we are with ourselves – and the more loving we can be with others.
Thanks for sharing this Paula. And with acceptance, appreciation of ourselves and others is never too far away.
It feels awful when someone brushes aside a compliment and chooses to not truly see in full the full beauty of themselves and what they have done. No matter how much we present, offer and express just how much we appreciate them, their work and who they are in full, the compliments will all be brushed aside if they are not fully feeling it all for themselves.
I’m learning this one in a big way at the moment. It’s so interesting that we have to re-learn something that is actually very natural… We have just come so far from who we are that we have forgotten how amazing we are and therefore don’t hold that as a foundation in our body.
Accepting compliments seems to come easily when you are more settled and present within yourself and then have a solid feeling of who you are and then know from that solidness, this compliment is most definitely true as those times that I have felt amazing and then someone compliments me, I can accept easily.
Yes and I had never really made that concrete connection before of the two but this blog and comments really shows that. I love what you say here Katie, That if we don’t appreciate what we are being complimented on, then we find it hard because of the sting of lack of self-love appreciation. Hence the mini-story…..I got in on sale, my hair is a fluke today, etc……
Thank you Nicole, such a great topic of discussion because it is something we all do. We so easily let the appreciation of ourselves slide right by without taking a moment to really acknowledge it for ourselves too.
This is an amazing realisation to read and share with everyone thank you Nicole. We all love giving compliments to another and expressing what we feel and this feels so lovely but so often in the past I would brush them off and not stop to truly feel them when offered for myself as I did not really believe it myself. I too find now the beauty in stopping and feeling my body and the glow and warmth that opens and stays with me through the day when I do this and the appreciation for myself and others as a result is simply beautiful to feel.
I have become aware of my tendency to brush off compliments too Nicole. I like the idea of allowing myself a moment to stop and feel what has been shared. I have also been appreciating myself more deeply and more often. If I know how wonder-full and amazing I am, the compliments are easier to accept, because I have already accepted them.
So true Simone, through having appreciated ourselves compliments that come our way are but confirmations rather than reminders of what we are yet to acknowledge for ourselves of ourselves.
Confirming what we know to be true is so much fun too Giselle. Sometimes I play it like a game in my day – being aware of and observing what is going on around me by of confirming myself.
Nicole like you I always found accepting compliments one of the hardest things to do. I could easily pay a compliment but to receive one, well that was another matter. What I feel about this is the fact that there are so many false complements that are paid by one person wanting something from another that we tend to shut down from compliments. Yet in doing this we miss out on connecting with another and appreciating the truth we bring. Something that I am inspired to try is to first allow myself to feel the compliment and whatever that brings rather than brush over it.
This blog offers a powerful point to reflect upon, of how at times we choose to sidestep bathing in our reflection of the glory of God that is felt by another and reflected back, expressed through a compliment.
Very powerful reflection indeed Carola. Why would we sidestep even an inch away from bathing in our own gloriousness reflected back to us? I’m off to sleep now and am going to deeply surrender to bathing in the glory of God that is within me and all around me. No more sidestepping:))
A great way of opening up the conversation on compliments Nicole! I can so relate to the brushing off of a compliment or the explanations or the “yes but I only paid $10 for the dress” etc. etc. as this is what I too have done in the past. And often this is thwarted because I feel uncomfortable with the attention, and also because of the fear of jealousy from others. But as you have so beautifully revealed and exposed in your blog, it is time for us to be more accepting of true compliments, time for us to take the compliment as a confirmation of something that we actually already are and allow this to strengthen in us by saying yes to it and totally acknowledging it and embracing ourselves. After all it is a celebration of everyone even though it appears that only one person gets the compliment.
True Henrietta, it is a celebration of everyone. And a compliment that is truly received feels expansive for the complimenter too as they have seen a reflection of something in themselves in the other – it is confirming for both.
Absolutely Anne, Offering a true compliment energetically pulls both people up (expands them) and allows the consolidation of the celebration of ourselves. And to see something in another that one appreciates, means that this too is something that we have within ourselves that perhaps we have yet to learn to live or let out in full. So essentially a true compliment, offered in the most natural of ways, does the world of good for us all.
Beautifully expressed gorgeous Henrietta!
That’s it Henrietta! ‘A celebration of everyone even though it appears that only one person gets the compliment’, how could we deny another to bathe in that by not allowing ourselves to also.
I find is so super inspiring, striking and powerful when another claims the glory they are as it reminds me of how naturally beautiful and harmonious it feels and is to appreciate all that I am and the Love that I choose to be at one with. What you have shared is such a gorgeous and valuable reminder Nicole that compliments are a reflection or opportunity for us to deepen our appreciation for ourselves and the love we are choosing to live and share in our lives.
It took me a long time to be able to receive a compliment from another and not to brush it off, and it took me even longer to realise why I was doing it. It was as if I was not registering that the person they were complimenting was actually me, and it was not until one day someone said “it’s as if you don’t realise that it’s you I’m talking about” that I was stopped in my tracks – that was a big aha moment and one that changed my life. Now if someone pays me a compliment, like you Nicole, I stop and feel their words before saying thank you.
Love how you have shared this Ingrid! And yes, so true – it is crazy how we can be in such denial of a compliment! Thank goodness we are learning to turn that around and stop feel and accept a true compliment.
I love the insight you share here Ingrid and can relate – in fact I can hear the background voice in my head that says internally ‘that’s nice but they don’t know the real me!’ . Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I’ve really needed to read this blog and all of the comments to break down this pattern of thinking.
hartanne60, that is exactly what I can hear when I listen to a compliment and there has been a time I even was afraid that there would come a time and they would discover this real me, very painful to feel this right now. It feels great to let this pattern go and as you say this blog and its comments is of a great assistance.
Thank you Nicole for sharing this. When someone compliments you genuinely its like they don’t just see the part (the nice hair or smart shirt) but the beauty of the whole of you. These compliments from the heart show that all the stories and ideals we have about our faults are just a game, and a way for us to ignore our power. This blog and way of accepting compliments that people say is truly great for our health – it is complementary medicine.
Love it Joseph. Truly complimentary!
Ha Ha! Yes Joseph and Sara, it is good medicine to truly give and accept compliments. So can we propose that the ability to deeply appreciate ourselves and accept compliments is a sign of good health and well being?
Yes agreed Joseph. I am discovering how natural and confirming it feels to accept compliments from the heart as it is simply accepting the truth. To not accept the truth feels more and more like a game and a lie that just does not sit well in my body as I feel I have reduced myself to lesser than what I know I truly am. There is a fullness and glow that emanates from within when we walk with accepting the truth of who we are – great medicine indeed.
Beautifully said Joseph…this “way of accepting compliments that people say is truly great for our health – it is complementary medicine” is very powerful. It is the true connection of hearts that can be so healing for us all.
Yes, truly they are medicine, and come in all shapes and sizes. The most beautiful compliment I often receive where I work is a deep, long look into the eyes of one of our dying patients. We know exactly what’s being expressed and not a word needs to be uttered.
Love it Joseph – every bit.
And Joseph not only for our health but also for the one who is giving the compliment, it is just as confirming for them if we let us feel the truth of the compliment. As what they see and feel in the other is equally in them. So a win win situation which deepens the connection to our hearts. Great medicine!
Sometimes people pay compliments because they are jealous of you and I have found that those compliments come with niceness. True compliments are not about being nice, but about simply saying what is true. It’s a confirmation. If we live in resistance to confirmation, that in itself is showing not only a lack of accepting oneself, but also of a deeper lack of self-worth.
Well picked up Jinya. This is so true. ‘Niceness’ is a very irresponsible way to live. It might look good on the outside but underneath it is like a festering pool of undealt with hurts… No true compliment can come from here.
Thank you for sharing Nicole, I love compliments but very often did know what to do with them, maybe out of shyness…
We strive very hard to be recognised for what we do, and we can very easily be identified with it and even be proud of it, but when it comes to our being-ness, there feels to be a kind of hesitance in claiming our greatness, yet we are often the harshest critic for ourselves.
Fumiyo that is great insight – striving for recognition for what we do and yet hesitating to claim our greatness of being-ness, and in fact being a harsh critic of our selves. I so relate, but what a silly game this is, it’s a set-up to keep us doing more and feeling less.
Very true Fumiyo. It’s then easy, when we are recognised for what we do to see what we do not do and judge ourselves based on this. “I need to be better at this, or improve on that” But when we see our own value in ourselves and who we are, what we do is secondary. Then there is no need then to judge ourselves on what we cannot do because who we are and what we know we bring is everything.
I absolutely love this Nicole. I have realised I often mistrust compliments as I have not accepted my own qualities. In truth I can see I have chosen to do this in order to play less and ‘get away’ with living less than I am. I am going to start paying far more attention to the compliments I give and receive after reading your blog.
This is so interesting, and very relevant! Whenever I have received a compliment I too have brushed it off in the past, but to see it as an opportunity to claim more of ourselves is very beautiful. I often too feel like I have to ‘compliment back’, or ‘is it okay to claim myself?’ (fearing a reaction or jealousy)…but it is ridiculous as we can manipulate such a beautiful and very natural moment. Something for me to also look at 😉
Interesting how rare compliments are if you really think about it in the world today. We are not truly connecting and sharing our beauty on a global scale, for if we were all connecting I’m sure we could not hold back compliments.
Yes Arianne, I recognize that – nevertheless I feel that a compliment can give us a moment or space to check up with ourselves how far we have come and how truly inspiring we are in our own way. As if we forget to do this – we will be easiily reminded. For then compliments will be something new – while if we were already appreciating ourselves – this compliment might not be new but confirming:)
I so needed to read this today Nicole, as I have made an art of deflecting compliments and what you share really revealed to me the fact that I have yet to truly see these qualities within myself. ‘I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.’ It feels like it is time to stop and begin to allow myself to feel what is offered when a compliment is expressed and to begin to appreciate the beauty of me. Thank you for sharing your experience it has helped me so much!
I feel this is something many of us need to practice. I know I do. There is something uncomfortable about being in the spotlight, about being the centre of attention about standing in some kind of glory that someone has noticed and we need to claim. Today I received a compliment and I received it as a true thing, without deflecting it. It did not feel uncomfortable and I hope the other person felt my appreciation because I felt the relationship between us in that conversation was lovely and without need, just complete.
I can relate that compliments can be more of an issue of us accepting them not so much hearing them from another person.
The fact that we are not at ease with compliments just shows the lack of self-worth we carry. I have noticed that the more I appreciate, the more I can receive a compliment and give a compliment. It all comes back to our own self-worth.
It sure does Mariette. Lack of self-worth is a global epidemic!
It sure is a global epidemic, the world is in desperate need of appreciation. I just start with me and from there, I start an appreciation revolution!
I like it, an appreciation revolution is exactly what is needed. And yes, it has to start with each of us.
It really shows how much impact we have and we don’t have to go out on the street with billboards. Since I am on an appreciation program with a friend of mine and we chat every day what we appreciate about ourselves, we have both noticed the impact this has on others. It is like they can feel it and you see them thinking: what is with her? It is all energy and when we appreciate ourselves more and more, this is tangible for others
Yep, 100% agree Mariette.
I too have noticed that with self-appreciation it also becomes easier to appreciate others. I find that the more I build love in my life the easier it is to be loving and feel the love in another.
Beautiful Lee. Imagine learning this as a child. Growing up with your innate appreciation and love for yourself…rather than learning, as we do, that it is ‘selfish’ to do so. And even so, we can always come back to this no matter what age.
Yes, it becomes really easy and what I notice is, also with people that I have just met. The moment I connect with them, there already things that I can appreciate in them, not so much what they do, but just the fact that they are here in this world and that what they bring, is so very much needed.
What a very loving comment Mariette!
Just to continue on my other comment. I am dating at the moment and I sometimes have lovely meetings (walks) with men that I meet online and what I notice is that with every new meeting, regardless if something will come out of it or if he likes me or not or finds me attractive, I just already appreciate him. Just this weekend i texted this man that I have met that he should find another job and be more in the world because he is just too great to not be in full in the world. The more I know my own grandness and appreciate what I bring, the more I can feel the same for others. It becomes very easy…then it is not about dating anymore but about letting people in and reflecting back how gorgeous they are.
I can totally relate to not feeling comfortable accepting compliments. I listen to them know more than I ever have but ofter find myself squirming within, wanting to counter receiving the compliment by giving a compliment back. I too am allowing more space in these moments to receive appreciation from another.
I can relate to what you are saying here Abby. I too am a work in progress with compliments. I find them very easy to give, but sometimes begin to squirm when the person giving me a compliment goes on for too long. Like you I have been allowing more space around this, and have been more finely tuning into the energy in which the compliment has been delivered – is it freely given in love, is it manipulation, or is it something else? When I read the compliment the squirming stops – we can sometimes be squirming because of the quality of the message delivered.
Spot on Lyndy – so essentially we can feel uncomfortable either because the true compliment is making us realise we don’t appreciate ourselves enough OR it is a false compliment that is delivered with a different intent (manipulative etc). Wow, isn’t it amazing how much we have the capacity to feel and know!
Abby I know that feeling of squirming inside with some compliments. I also know how beautiful it is once a compliment is given and totally received by the other – it’s like a joyful explosion sometimes!
Agree hartanne60, a compliment received in full does have a way of magnifying that is gorgeous to feel, a joyous explosion indeed 🙂
Completely hartanne60 it is an explosion of joy!
Thank you Nicole, I liked it a lot, especially how you say that appreciating a compliment from another is linked to how much we appreciate ourselves. It is most beautiful to really feel the compliment from another either as a confirmation of that what we know already or as a confirmation of something we haven’t been so aware of but what is there nevertheless.
Yes, well said Esther, I loved how it offers us another opportunity to claim ourselves.
Well said Esther, appreciation is always a confirmation of who we are and with this of who we all are.
Yes Esther, it is beautiful to really allow oursleves to feel a compliment from another as so many times we can easily go into an unwillingness to truly acknowledge what is being said. And to have confirmed something that we are not so aware of about oursleves is not only gorgeous for the person to hear this, but gorgeous that the person saying it is willing and open enough to share it with them. Appreciation for each other is something we could all do much more of, no matter how small it is, and we would all benefit hugely.
Yes well said Esther, it is most beautiful for sure. An opportunity to deepen and become aware with each awesome compliment… Recognising and appreciating something more about you each time.
Yes and I have noticed that the more I allow myself to just be myself the more people want to share their appreciation of me. I also can’t help myself from appreciating other people even strangers on the street, if I like their expression in their clothes or smile I share this, it’s so freeing to not hold things back for fear of rejection or what ever it may be at the time.
Yes, this is the same for me too Vanessa, there is something in every person in every moment to appreciate and worth complimenting, be it through words, through our eyes, a gesture or simply by being and acknowledging the joy that it brings us.
Spot on Esther, especially the part where you say ‘appreciating a compliment from another is linked to how much we appreciate ourselves’ – I love this sentence as it shows us the level we really can learn to appreciate ourselves.
It is astounding how often a compliment goes unrecognised or accepted. For me i have discovered an even deeper level of self acceptance that is needed, that there are some compliments that i accept and receive without any questions or doubt, then there are some that make me feel extremely uncomfortable or that i simply avoid and ignore at all costs. No matter what, each and every compliment is an opportunity for me to connect deeper and feel a greater level of awareness and self acceptance. An appreciation of the woman i am and how that reflection can be seen by all, including myself.
Great points nicoleserafin, and I could also add here that there are false compliments that we can feel come our way – by false compliments I mean those delivered by a person who might feel jealous of another but chooses to say ‘nice’ things to make it look differently. Such compliments are not true compliments and can make me squirm too and give me a shiver as I feel the emptiness of it. Same could be said of those conversations and compliments that are super ‘nice’ but have no substance to them (the kind that say the nice words but don’t really mean it). So sometimes the discomfort of receiving a compliment can also come from the fact that we are feeling there is more to what is being said.
My experience is that when a compliment feels empty or hollow it is because the person giving the compliment has not felt the truth of the compliment or is looking for something in return. To me, the ability to fully give or receive a compliment comes down to ones ability to truly appreciate themselves.
Love the awareness you bring here nicoleserafin…there are so many layers of accepting who we are, and it is often the finer details that get skipped over and or missed, as you share here nicoleserafin…accepting a compliment and then realising there are some compliments that are easier to accept than others, and some we try to ignore altogether! There is always something new to become of aware of and understand about ourselves.
Well said nicoleserafin – I am sure many can relate to what you are sharing here. I know I do.
A great point you make, nicoleserafin, yes definitely it is easier to accept some compliments more readily than others. It is so important for us to develop a greater level of awareness that helps us differentiate when a compliment is true. Yes, some compliments don’t feel so good, maybe coming from a cover up of jealousy etc.? Yes, yes, every compliment is as you say, “an opportunity for me to connect deeper and feel a greater level of awareness and self acceptance”. It is wonderful for us to be able to really appreciate and accept just how far we have come in our journey of return.
Thank you Nicole, your awareness has struck a cord in me too. I too have never been very good at accepting compliments and this sentence is a real key as to why ” … I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” It all comes down to self appreciation and how much we have been encouraged to fully accept and adore who we naturally are. Its a strange custom we have built up, one where it is good to compliment others, but not good to accept these compliments because it is seen as being ‘big headed’. Its so gorgeous to allow oneself a moment to stop, feel, accept and appreciate what we are being complimented for. It helps to build our relationships with ourselves and with one another in a truly loving, supportive way.
So true Rowena when we accept compliments in this way we do indeed begin to develop a more honest, supportive and loving relationship with ourselves and others.
I agree with you rowenakstewart, it is a strange custom that we have built up, where we are content to compliment others, but have such a problem in accepting a compliment ourselves. Many of us were brought up to feel, as you say, ‘big headed’ if we accepted compliments from others. In so many families, appreciation is just not ‘done’, is thought to make the other feel vain. Yet, ridiculously, in those same families it is quite common to see much judgmentalism, criticism etc. being used against each other and to others outside the family. In other words, it is okay to criticise, but not to appreciate when there are grounds to really acknowledge the other. It is no wonder that so many of us end up with self-worth issues.
That’s true Beverley, we are used to being criticised but giving expression to appreciation is not done. The feeling I get when someone gives me a compliment is most of the time that is normal for me to be that way and to brush it of. In other words I am not aware of the value of myself and what I bring but what I realise now is that I also I am not honouring the person who gives me the compliment, where there could be a deepening of the relationship I choose to step back and in a way say no to what is offered to me, ouch.
Beautiful rowenkastewart. It is absurd that we have not been encouraged to adore ourselves and receive compliments with grace. I even notice this in quality assurance processes in the workplace where we dwell on negative customer feedback and gloss over positive feedback.
Yes big headed or full of your self being a more subtle and more destructive comment as that is actually what we need to be full of our beautiful selves! Appreciation is the only way back to accepting that we are actually the bees knees.
Great comments, we have indeed built a way of interaction that says it is humble to not accept a compliment and that you are arrogant if you agree. We have created a way of being that is accepted that champions one making themselves smaller and being self critical. There is vast difference between arrogance and knowing who you are and loving yourself deeply and there is also a vast difference between true humbleness (knowing we are all equal) and bringing yourself down.
As I read your blog Nicole, it came to me how often the way we receive compliments reflects the battle in ourselves between wanting to be noticed, recognised and affirmed, and our feelings and reactions of embarrassment when we are given just that by someone else. When it comes to that point I see it is all from the same root, that of feeling not good enough. Could it be that because we don’t feel good enough we NEED someone else to tell us we are, and so when they do recognise our qualities we don’t feel they are true because we have not affirmed and appreciated them ourselves, probably because we haven’t taken the time to feel them? A beautiful blog showing how we can find the way out of this emotional ever circling tangle, be super honest, and start to live and express our truth.
I recall being in the meal room talking with some colleagues, a while ago and observed how adoringly they were all looking at me. At the time it freaked me out and I could feel myself recoil to not notice this. But it was very important to notice this, because this was about how I was not accepting the absolute gorgeousness that I am that they clearly see and feel inspired by. Allowing people to truly see who we are, without that “wall of China” wall of protection allows them to see the same within themselves.
Agree Jennifer, I know this feeling of being adored and not knowing how to handle it and then playing it down or ignoring it. I had this all my life and often it came with comparison, but very often it was a true appreciation of what I bring and I always could feel clearly the difference, but only learned recently to accept it and feeling equal. To accept appreciation in our absoluteness feels great as there is never comparison or unequalness as there is no self in receiving it.
Great observation and article Nicole. It’s also interesting being on the compliment giving side too when someone plays it down or denies it, (which I know I have absolutely done myself). It’s a way that we communicate to one another that we love each other, so it hurts when someone is denying a compliment given out of genuine affection, even though as a receiver we are unaware of that at the time. But as you have shared Nicole the receiving is huge. It’s like we are being given a beautiful gift from the heart of another and the acceptance of this is the choice we make.
It is interesting to observe that when I share heart-felt compliments to the children in my class they become very uncomfortable and find it difficult to deal with. They seem to handle “criticism” better…which is odd and doesn’t make sense! It seems we can’t handle our own greatness.
That is so interesting rachelmurtagh1 I would have thought children would have handled compliments well and just taken them in their stride, but it just goes to show that not appreciating ourselves fully starts at a very young age. I wonder if this stems from comparison.
I have found the same in this experience also. I have noticed that when I am complimented how I have brushed it off and not allowed myself to really feel the compliment in my body. The more I self appreciate the easier compliments are to accept.
Because my sense of self-worth was so low I found it difficult to receive – and believe a compliment. Yet when criticised I would take it on board as complete truth. As my self-esteem has grown I find it easier to accept them, but still get tempted to find an explanation – eg if complimented on how I look I’ll say – ‘Oh I just washed my hair’ etc. I enjoy giving compliments too – to complete strangers also.
If I am full with myself, I do not actually need a compliment, it comes as a confirmation of what allready is. So because I do not accept all of me as amazing and gorgeous all of the time, as a habit and a pattern, a compliment asks me to be more! How easy it is to brush it away so to not be in my full glory… aaii what a cunning game I play with myself, to feed my ‘lack of selfworth’!
Thanks Nicole, for bringing this up.
Deflecting compliments also dishonours the giver of said compliment.
I used to get really uncomfortable and dismiss compliments, but I know now that it was because I was not able to appreciate myself so found it difficult that another was able to appreciate me.
This is so true alisonmoir. Without appreciating myself first there is no way I can truthfully accept and appreciate a compliment from another.
I love the simplicity of this blog, and can relate to how I have received compliments in the past and now. I can see that however I choose to respond to a compliment is a reflection of how I am feeling about myself at that time. So in every compliment received or given there is an opportunity to learn something. Thank you Nicole for bringing a deeper awareness to compliments.
Compliments are a beautiful way to confirm what it is that we already know within ourselves – that we are smokin’ hot!
That’s awesome Nicole. What came to me while reading this was a sense of expectation towards myself to see everything and if another points it out then somehow I have failed. It sounds crazy but the fact that such a judgement is there in the first place is good to catch. Again breaking down the beliefs that we have to do it all, see our amazingness ourselves before another can see it as if we have to reach a certain mark of amazing. Everything in life is a building process and when we appreciate ourselves it comes back around to us from others, same with support which compliments are. They support us to see that we are amazing and without others who would be there to see that angle of us?
A great blog Nicole, and a reminder for me too, as I can accept compliments, but I’m learning to stay with that confirming compliment and letting the feeling linger, and not cut it short when I receive them.
This is so true Nicole, I have had both ends of the spectrum, as in receiving a compliment and totally agreeing with the person, knowing it was a confirmation or getting embarrassed and finding it hard to accept. I am definitely going to pay more attention the next time I am complimented.
I find it often quite difficult to receive a compliment. I can feel how I am not honouring the qualities others see in me. Thanks for inspiring to take a compliment as an opportunity to feel that what is said, and truly compliment ourself in that way. Not trying to debase it for ourself, as I often do, but choose to feel the amazing qualities we all have and appreciate that what we are.
Great sharing Nicole, thank you. I have always found the same somehow I go into justifying my amazingness rather than continuing to stand in my amazingness, which I was already doing for the person to notice it. Simple really but really accepting my amazingness seems hard at times. Time to be more amazing and accept it as my natural way of being!
I can relate so well to what you have written Nicole. I still can easily go into the old habitual pattern of deflecting the compliment. To stop and honour the compliment is not only enhancing and confirming but also is an opportunity for intimacy between the giver and receiver. That intimacy requires being open, which is not the general way to be, particularly with a stranger.
What a great blog Nicole. “in fact, the ‘mini story’ is anything really to prevent me from feeling that someone else noticed something ‘I’ chose to ignore.” This is such a fabulous observation and realisation.
This is profound.
If I get a compliment and I I did appreciate myself for this before as well – it is a confirmation for me. So no big deal but lovely.
If I get a compliment and did not appreciate myself for this – it is a challenge. On the one hand it reflects me a lack of awareness I have for myself and on the other hand this lack of awareness reflects a lack of taking responsibility for who I am and what I bring.
We are powerful, beautiful, divine beings – to repress this fact is giving my power away. And if I give my power away – who does it take then, who or what do I serve if not for the Divine Plan? …that’s a challenging question and realization – I do understand now the bigger picture behind not taking a compliment. Thank you Nicole.
Yes, very simple, I love it – just stop and let it in and feel the truth of what has just been said. How often we can see and feel the light in others but never in ourselves. We can change that and appreciate all of who we are all of the time.
I had an email from someone recently that remarked how amazing it was in how I have changed my life and in the past we have discussed what I was doing to get to this point from where I was. But their reaction was only on how far the gap between us had grown and they were farther down Alice’s rabbit and the light was almost non-existent. I had responded that it may look like an easy path when you are on top of the hill till you look at the path you have traveled to reach this point and truly appreciate how far I have come. I know I am just on a hill and there is always another higher hill to climb. I just told them we are all not broken… we just forgot where we put the instructions. No matter how long it takes, as long as we keep looking… I can appreciate that.
My compliment Nicole – great article! 😉
Thank you Nicole, just love what you have shared here …
‘I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.’
I can very much relate to all that you say here.
I’m really working on appreciating myself more at the moment, apart from feeling uncomfortable when I receive heartfelt compliments, I’m not allowing myself to shine as brightly as I know I can. The more I accept how amazing I truly am and the more I appreciate all that I am, the more I bring of me to the world.
Such an interesting blog Nicole! Perhaps we have become wary of compliments because they so frequently come under the heading of “Politeness”, that subject that deals with the do’s and don’ts of social interaction. Our experience tells us that such things which grease the wheels of conversation are not always heart-felt and are sometimes downright disingenuous! Many great writers have seized upon this and capitalised upon the comedy value of such exchanges where “point scoring” was more the order of the day than mutual admiration. Compliments can thus arouse our suspicions that there may be lurking a darker sub-text behind the supposed statement of admiration. The bottom line must be, as you say, that when we are truly connected to our inner-selves, we can accurately judge the veracity of the compliment and respond accordingly!
We have all seen a double rainbow! The technical reason for it is a refraction, a refection of the original. They are not seen all the time and when they are some are faint and others are vivid. Refractions are the same as compliments from others on how we are living and how the rainbow with us looks as seen by others. As you have said we should stop and appreciate compliments… the same way we pause and view a rainbow.
I really enjoyed reading this piece and it is so true “it is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” We can be so well practiced at putting ourselves down that we don’t stop to appreciate the changes we have chosen to make and the blossoming beauty of ourselves both on the outside and inside of our being.
I’ve noticed many times when a compliment has been given to me how I can brush it aside and literally not let it in if I haven’t appreciated this fact about myself first. It just goes to show that no amount of recognition from the outside will make us feel good about ourselves if we don’t choose to nurture our own appreciation first; when we do, then compliments are gorgeous to receive, we don’t need them and they don’t surprise us, they just confirm what we know about ourselves already.
What a gorgeous, sweet and simple blog to support the embracing of the healing/amazingness of what’s on offer with compliments. It totally make sense Nicole. I used to be quite uncomfortable with appreciation expressed to me in the past. It is funny, yesterday as someone offered me one, I realised that there was no unease whatsoever – what a striking difference for me. I was already feeling so complete within myself. Upon this lovely offering, I naturally stopped, clocked inside if what this person was saying made any sense to me. I realised that yes indeed it made sense and that it was something that I had not yet claimed about what I was bringing in my work. I thanked the person for the compliment and expressed my appreciation to her for making me realize that I actually had not claimed that aspect of me. The other surprising thing for me at that moment, is that this compliment did not make me feel “better” in any way – the sense of feeling complete within was already so solid. I guess there was a sense of joy though of having discovered something I had not yet claimed about myself!
I love this, Nicole, as it is so true. I am going to start exploring this for myself, as someone who has always felt awkward receiving compliments and therefore not used to appreciating myself.
Thank you Nicole for sharing here. This is such an epidemic, many individuals unable to accept a compliment. I recently heard Serge Benhayon present that we live in parts, parts of us where we feel complete and other parts where we don’t. So when we are given a compliment our instinct is to go which part rather than accept someone is complimenting the whole. I can so relate to this and since hearing it have been much more committed to living all parts of my life in full so I am no longer challenged by another’s compliment of me.
As I’ve come to truly appreciate myself, I find that I appreciate others deeply and I can not but help myself but give compliments. It feels joyful to fully appreciate another, knowing that what I appreciate in them, I also appreciate within myself.
This is my experience also Donna, as I am more appreciative of myself , it is very natural to appreciate others. There are so many unique qualities we each bring.
Gorgeous Donna and very true. It does feel beautiful to appreciate the qualities of Love expressed through another as we are also appreciating that this quality of Love is within us all.
“It is not the compliments I am resisting but the fact that I do not actually stop to allow myself to feel that I am all that which another sees in me and more.” This line tells me a lot how I tend to deal with compliments too Nicole, and as you describe further on we also tend to have difficulties to let in a compliment because people are seeing an aspect of you that you yourself do not appreciate yet. So for me receiving compliments is something I have to learn as the power and support it provides is as from heaven as they point to me the real assets of me that are of value for other people, for society, if not appreciated by myself yet, I will ignore to build on these and to expand from.
Awesome sharing Nicole. I realised back when I was in high school that if I didn’t fully accept a compliment from someone with all of my being, it didn’t feel great for the person offering the compliment or for me. Accepting compliments is a beautiful way to deepen our appreciation of ourselves, after all we do deserve it.
Thanks for this simple and powerful blog Nicole. That brief moment when someone gives a compliment is such an immediate reflection of how we are feeling about ourselves, how we know our own beauty or power. It is so true, we can go into justification and brushing it off in embarrassment. I have often noticed that I am okay with enjoying the compliment and saying ‘thank you’, but then there is a little hiccup in the conversation where I momentarily don’t know how to proceed from there. So at some level I must involuntarily have disconnected in some way. It is a little moment that shows so much about our relationship with ourselves!
We do brush off compliments because they can never make up for what we don’t give ourselves first – true and ever deepening appreciation.
I so agree, the most precious compliment is the one we accord ourselves: “…for me to truly see and accept myself for who I am, which is the ultimate compliment of all!”
This is amazing Nicole! Why have we attuned ourselves to always receive criticism and be more responsive to that rather than allowing in amazing grace and compliments? Expressions came come with love or not love, and we need to learn to let love in so we can live it and confirm it in others. This is the way to brotherhood.
Very eloquently said harryjwhite. The way we accept compliments or not is a key indicator to our relationship to ourselves and so to God and all others. Are we a walking bruised package, or are we the shining suns of God?
Absolutely Lyndy, we are all the equal ‘sons of God’ and when I accepted that fact I saw all others as my equal. Therefore if anyone makes a different choice that is not loving, then that is up to them. For me, judgment and jealousy were the way in which I used to make light of people or joke about them, but when I understood the ‘brotherhood’ that we all share, then I became accepting of seeing the grandness in myself first and then others.
This is such an important point harryjwhite, we tend to focus so much more on negative criticism and take that in and not the compliments… How different would it be if it were the other way around.
Well said harryjwhite, we need to accept love and let it in rather than doubting or questioning it and whether or not we deserve it – of course we do, we are from love and so naturally are all love.
That’s a remarkable revelation Harry, why it is that I would soak up a negative comment much more easily than a positive one. It is ridiculous to dismiss the positive comments as they are so often a true representation of what is going on. Letting love in as you say, something that is so crucial if we don’t want to live a miserable life separated from the understanding of the qualities we hold and are able to share.
Gorgeous and powerful Mr harryjwhite.
If we find it easier to accept criticism rather than compliments this shows us how we feel about ourselves, ie. there is work to be done on being in a loving relationship with ourselves so the judgements confirm how we feel about ourselves and are taken on as being the truth. The more appreciation we bring to our life, particularly toward ourselves, the more the compliments start to become a confirmation of what we are feeling and the judgements are seen for what they truly are. They have no power over us.
Greatly said harryjwhite. Is it not the reflection of God that emanates from within us all equally so? So yes I am with you, let’s be open to the Love that is who we all are and all are from.
Oh yes Harry! “we need to learn to let love in so we can live it and confirm it in others” – words of wisdom.
“I do not appreciate or acknowledge myself, who I am and the way I am, and when a compliment is said I feel uncomfortable because it is something that I myself have not actually yet recognised within myself and accepted as a quality or a strength.”
So true Nicole – I can relate to this as well and am realising how important it really is to fully appreciate ourselves for all that we are and embody it in full – it takes responsibility to another level as when we are dismissive about a compliment someone has made it’s like telling them that they can’t trust what they’re feeling.
“it takes responsibility to another level as when we are dismissive about a compliment someone has made it’s like telling them that they can’t trust what they’re feeling.” I love how you have brought this in deborahmckay. It is so true and something I shall remember from henceforth.
How many women or men I wonder that can truly accept a compliment without going into some form of justification why they are receiving it? Up until the last 6 months it has been easy to squash any compliment throughout my life. Today connecting to my own loveliness in support of Universal Medicine, I now love receiving a comment and how that feels in my body – It is such a lovely confirmation in how I am feeling. There are still many times I can shrink hearing a compliment and the reaction I feel speaks loudly I am disconnected from my body and therefore will squash it totally dismissing what the other person has felt by asking myself, ‘what do they want from me’.
Beautiful article Nicole, thank you.
I compliment you Nicole on your blog on compliments 🙂 I’ve noticed that when I give compliments to others, it is either rejected or received in a way that is surprising to the person. I’ve noticed compliments can be mostly on what we do and less about who or how we are. What this highlights is how vast it is we don’t appreciate or value ourselves. I use to quite easily reject a compliment or brush it off, but as I continue to appreciate myself, thanks to workshops from Universal Medicine, it makes accepting compliments such a lovely confirmation of who I am. These days, I don’t wait for compliments from others, I give them to myself and have some fun appreciating me.
Matthew it’s true what you have shared about compliments are often given on what we do rather than who we are. No wonder we react when someone gives us a beautifully considered compliment that is heartfelt. The realisation that we have not felt or seen ourselves for who we are hurts, no wonder we brush it off.
This is lovely Nicole, I also do the same thing. I am slowly learning to appreciate myself more and I have noticed that when I receive compliments now, while I still brush them off a little, I do feel more of an internal agreement and a tentative sense of how good it is to be seen more truly – but it feels very fragile. I might need to feel it more and affirm, ‘This IS what I bring.’
What a beautiful reading from Serge Benhayon, Nicole, how blessed we are to have found him and to be able to contact him and receive a prompt reply when we really need his explanation of what is going on in our lives.
Agreed Jo, Serge is a true blessing of our time. Shame for many it is to hard to accept that such greatness can be right in front of us and because of that lack of acceptance we look to criticize, judge and find fault. The saying “too good to be true” comes to mind.
Very interesting, relatable and insightful Nicole, and absolutely, I have found in myself that receiving (and also giving) compliments are about acceptance – the more there is self-acceptance, the easier the sense of ease that can be – about ourselves, and also others too.
Agree Zofia, the giving of compliments also hugely changes when we are more accepting of ourselves. We don’t need what we see in someone else because we are in appreciation of what we bring and so the compliment is a genuine admiration and celebration of another. This is gorgeous to receive.
Nicole I love your awesome sharing, and am also doing a little experiement here to compliment and keep complimenting women (and men) around me when their lovely amazingness simply touch and melt me. The experiment has no expectations but to observe, and all the responses that are reflected back are forever deepening myself too, so the next time when a true compliment is received it feels like accepting it is no longer a personal thing, I am accepting it for all women and all men.
Beautiful Adele, removing the ‘i’ from compliments and accepting them ‘for all women and all men.’ This way feels truly expansive. Thank you.
Yes I love this too Kehinde.
What a beautiful experiment Adele. It’s amazing when we set ourselves experiments like these, what we set we all of a sudden notice that what we are looking at is all around us and never really noticed before. Bring on more experiments I say..
Beautiful Adele – this is power to live! “The experiment has no expectations but to observe, and all the responses that are reflected back are forever deepening myself too, so the next time when a true compliment is received it feels like accepting it is no longer a personal thing, I am accepting it for all women and all men.”
I really recognise what you have shared here Nicole. Even now with the greater awareness I have towards the way I feel about myself, I can brush off a compliment with a perfunctory thank you, without feeling the appreciation of me that is being offered. One trick is to deflect it back to the one complimenting, giving them a compliment in return. How ridiculous to look at compliments as things to be traded – it’s even implicit that this is how it works in the language we can use to describe them eg. paying someone a compliment, returning the compliment. Wow, just feeling that one – by returning the compliment we are basically saying to the complimenter, ‘I reject your compliment’, ‘I do not value what you have expressed, what you see and feel’. It also makes the returning compliment not a compliment at all but self-rejecting statement which is not about the other person at all. In fact it’s still ‘all about me’ and the lack of acceptance we have for ourselves.
A very interesting point indeed you make here Lucy on the language around compliments.
Fantastic exposure here Lucy Duffy, one I am sure all women can relate to! How many times have we rejected compliments with the simple action of going into auto pilot to return the compliment, brushing it off in a way, mainly because we have a deep lack of acceptance/self worth with ourselves….But as I write, I am learning, to receive compliments as they come and to really feel them, and then to appreciate what the person is actually seeing and feeling in me, which would be my light.
“I am learning, to receive compliments as they come and to really feel them, and then to appreciate what the person is actually seeing and feeling in me, which would be my light.” Me too jacqmcfadden04. I am actually really feeling the responsibility we have to accept a compliment with grace and deep self-acceptance. Doing less than this keeps compliments as one of the superficial and polite form of communication we can so fall into, which allows us to easily gloss over or dismiss the compliment with a self-deprecating laugh or comment. I recently witnessed a friend of mine accept a compliment with such love, acceptance, appreciation and meeting of the other person, that felt amazing. It has stayed with me and has changed my marker of what accepting a compliment is and feels like. It was beautiful and humbling.
Very true jacqmcfadden04 people are seeing and feeling your light. It’s been amazing and quite incredible how many people say to me “have you got taller Rik?”. I stopped physically growing many years ago. What they are feeling is how much my light is and / or expanded.
I like how this is showing how it is also important to consider what is communicated, when we lessen or reject a compliment from another, to them. This is something I had not considered before – thank you.
I so agree jsnelgrove36 I hadn’t considered this previously either. What Lucy reveals is there is an insidious side to the way we currently communicate around compliments and that perhaps we need to really stop and feel what is being expressed not only by those complimenting us but the way and nature in which we respond.
I know! It’s not something I had considered before either Julie. The realisation has left me seeing and feeling compliments in a whole new light. And of course this is just an example of the micro representing the macro, so this is reflection for me of relationships at every level. Still much to unfold here – I can feel it.
True jsnelgrove36. We are stopping the natural flow of love. Sometimes I feel so strongly to express the most simplest and sometimes most common compliment and it is met in ‘disgust’ so to speak. Maybe sometimes this is me holding back in full how I felt it however, when I connect to them as I say it, it is a time to stop and appreciate you in the moment.
Lucy this is fabulous what you have shared. Trading compliments…I had never given any consideration to how empty this practice is, but of course it is and hurtful too especially when someone is feeling rejected. It’s a denial of our true way which knows that we are everything in any moment and when this is seen by another, they are also seeing that they are everything. When we deny this, we cut access to this knowing. I can feel how abusive this actually is. Wow…thanks Lucy.
Thank you for expanding on this Jennifer – not only are we rejecting what the other person is expressing, seeing and feeling, “It’s a denial of our true way which knows that we are everything in any moment and when this is seen by another, they are also seeing that they are everything. When we deny this, we cut access to this knowing.” Abusive indeed – and there is the responsibility again I just mentioned in a comment above. We have a responsibility to love and accept ourselves in full so when another sees this and gives us a compliment (and is therefore seeing their own love and gloriousness reflected by us) we are able to stand steady in our gloriousness, feeling the compliment as a confirmation of what we already know. How inspiring is that!
This is great what you share here Lucy, trading compliments is really a non appreciative habit and so well practice, absolutely absurd. I have been big in returning compliments for the sake of not having to be with what has been said and feel the lack of appreciation in myself. Its so absurd we do this all, because we feel uncomfortable to stand out and being appreciated, but by rejecting it we make it really about ourselves, just holding us small.
Nicole, I love this very different way of looking at compliments where we consider why we might be uncomfortable with them and if possibly there may be something in us that we innately do and don’t appreciate which another is showing us. What a great marker to feel and understand how compliments can be so much more and can become a marker for us to connect with and feel deeply those qualities which are called out in us.
This is very true monicag2, one of the greatest things we want the most is for others to show their appreciation of us, but sadly if we do not feel the same another’s appreciation does not mean so much. Goes to show that for true appreciation to occur it has to come from self first and then another just confirms that appreciation. Such a game believing we need it from others, never feeling we get it when the whole time we are missing it within ourselves.
That’s just it Laura, we play this game of do as I say but not as I do, wanting compliments and appreciation from another but not living in a way that truly appreciates and compliments ourselves, and that neediness we project onto others is indeed us missing living our own appreciation. And when we do live it, any compliments we get from another are just a confirmation of a lived way and we reflect to others that it’s possible to live and be in a way that celebrates and appreciates yourself.
Awesome point Laura B it all begins with self! Self-love and self-appreciation, from there flows the confirmation of what we know in the expression of those around us. How awesome too to know that those times when a quality is expressed that we didn’t recognise we have an opportunity to just deepen our appreciation for self.
Thank you Nicole for this little expose which has profound implications for all of us. I can relate to what you say and can also see that I have not valued myself in the past so not truly appreciated and felt the compliment from another towards myself. This is huge for us all as humanity because if we can’t fully accept a compliment from our fellow beings then we are not letting the love flow in or out or recognising the reflection that we offer to everyone.
Great point here, Susan. It can often take a lot for someone to provide a compliment and in accepting it we let the ‘love flow’.
Nicole, what a super simple blog that I can oh so relate to! This is the exact process I am working on myself and I appreciate the reminder of the importance of self-appreciation and self-acceptance which is the foundation for full appreciation and acceptance of others.
This is indeed a process Angela and one that I too am working on and deepening. I feel there is never going to be an end with this area much like every other. I had not considered how much fun it could be to make these changes and how different we can feel about ourselves as a result. Building on this foundation for ourselves means that it is so rock solid that no one can take it away, hide or damage it, it is always there building and growing.
This is very true Amina and Angela. I love what you have both shared. I too am working on building this within surely and steadily and this definitely supports how I appreciate and accept all others.
I’ve been working on accepting compliments for years. I always used to turn them into a joke, which was SO disrespectful to the giver. I love that Nicole now sees them as her friend, I also see them as a gift, and try to accept them with grace.
I love what you share Angela, it makes sense that when we accept and appreciate ourselves more we naturally open ourselves to connecting to, appreciating and accepting others. I can see how a compliment builds our connection to self as well as others as we are seeing ourselves for who we truly are and that feels quite beautiful.