Giving Power back to Love: Making the Choice to not be Dominated by Hurt

What would it mean to not be dominated by hurt? What would it feel like to not react when abused, blamed or targetted in some way? What would it feel like to give power back to love?

A little while ago now I started an autopsy on ‘hurt’ to find out what it was really all about. I was tired of reacting and feeling emotional, I was tired of the upset and the inner discomfort, and I was tired of wasting days stressed and behaving in a way that was intense for myself and those around me.

Of course when another person is choosing to be loving, there is nothing here to trigger me to react and because of this, it is easy to respond in kind.

There have been many other occasions when another person has expressed to me something personal about myself, and I could have easily reacted from insult or hurt given the content that had been raised, but the loving quality that they have expressed meant that I did not feel hurt at all. In fact, I have felt the truth in what has been shared as well as immense gratitude for the opportunity provided to change and live more aligned to my true self. When the intention behind the comment was from tenderness and care, I would feel every bit of the support.

It is not so easy however, to not react when another is choosing to express themselves in a way which is unloving or abrasive.

The hurt from these situations was something that I would usually carry with me for some time, and the way I can be when I am hurting is just as abrasive and uncaring as the behaviour of the person who may have incited the hurt in the first place.

What I have felt here is more of a backlash and sometimes I was just collateral damage, caught up in the path of someone’s pain and frustration where they were desperate for relief. Without knowing my true value or having love for myself, it is easy to fall into the turmoil and become part of the cycle.

I cringe when I admit this, but for many years when I was hurt I would talk about the problem incessantly and in a way that was not constructive or healing. I could talk badly about the person, I could make assumptions about what is going on, I could avoid the person, I could withdraw from the person, I could hold a grudge against the person and for many years I would turn the matter onto myself with self-beratement, feeling an immense guilt for how I had not handled the situation well. I can do all of this behind a wall that says “I can’t stand feeling this hurt anymore, please stay away from me.”

This way of being with hurt has never served me well. It impacted on my relationships and capped the opportunity for any real healing or understanding.

Bringing my Hurt to Universal Medicine

When I first came to the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I felt hurt from everyday life and lived behind a wall in an effort to not feel what I was feeling. The wall did not work well and hurt could enter my body like lightning. In fact, my body would experience hurt long before my brain had even registered what had happened before me.

Despite my ‘wall’ never serving as a supportive technique to deal with hurt, I continued to spend my days with it up, keeping people out and keeping me contained too. Now I realise that all I was really doing was to stifle love – I stopped myself from allowing love in and love out, so it makes sense that my days were full of hurtful situations and reactions, for if there is no love, there is everything else.

The teachings encouraged me to bring love and care to myself each day, and eventually my self-worth and sense of value began to blossom. I didn’t rely on others so much to be ‘pleasant’ or ‘friendly’ or even ‘polite’ so that I felt secure and so that I could manage my reactions, as I was providing for and honouring myself. I was dealing with my hurts as they presented instead of burying them, and in this I found that my wild reactions to others began to subside.

I discovered how important it is to not fight the hurt but to surrender and honour the feeling of fragility, bringing tenderness and deep care to myself until the inner turmoil shifted. Sometimes I needed to reach out for support and talk the situation through with someone I really trusted.

Learning to care for myself during these times allowed space for me to return to my true self, as well as the opportunity for great clarity and wisdom to rise to the surface – an essential step to giving power back to love.

These changes were a step in the right direction, but I began to wonder whether it was at all possible to not react when another person was aggressive, hurtful and accusatory? Could I stay connected to my own steadiness and simply observe the behavior before me without taking on board another person’s reaction myself?

I felt there was a possibility that I could not react to another, but I wasn’t going to just believe something because I wanted it to be true, I had to know it was truly possible from my own lived experience. Fortunately, I did not have to wait too long for a situation to arise that would provide the answer.

In the days following the 2015 Universal Medicine Lennox Head Retreat I was feeling particularly amazing, enjoying an unshakable inner knowing and stillness in my body that I had never felt before. Upon returning to work I felt a certainty and assuredness and was handling tasks and resolving problems with ease.

My newfound calm approach showed me that the chaos was outside of me, not inside of me.

I was then approached by a work colleague who made certain accusations. An experience like this would have normally disturbed me and my typical response would have been to deny what I had been feeling, smother the hurt with ‘nice’ or ‘polite’ and say nothing, or I would become defensive. In this situation though, I responded to the other person instead of going into a reaction. I spoke openly and honestly about how I was feeling without any holding back. My words were expressed with love and consideration, and I shared with utter honesty about my concerns. Initially, this situation had all the warning signs indicating conflict, but this is not what happened. When we parted, we both knew that something amazing had happened for us both and we commented to this effect.

This particular situation showed me that when I observe a situation as it unfolds before me rather than be all-involved, I have clarity and can express from my true self because my hurts and reactions are not charging the situation, but when I make myself small, make it all about me, go into self-doubt, blame, jealousy, frustration, anger, insult or defensiveness, I choose to be distracted by all the emotions that are there waiting to have an experience.

It appears that there is no end to the reactions I can endure in my life if this is what I choose. As difficult as it is to admit, these reactions are simply distractions used to keep me from feeling all the times in my life where I have chosen not to express what I truly feel and where I have said YES to the emotional rollercoaster rather than YES to love.

There are many other situations that have presented since where I have been able to connect with the truth instead of simply reacting to the situation, but presently I have not yet mastered this way of living and do not live it with any consistency. What I can say however, is that I have experienced a glimpse of what it would be like to not take life and the reactions from others so personally.

By choosing to not be dominated by emotion, we maintain a sense of clarity, we bring understanding to our relationships – and in this we give power back to love.

By Maree Savins, Engineering Project Support Officer, Tertiary Education, Australia

Related Reading:
~ We Are Not Our Hurts
~ Loving Daily Choices and Healing Hurts
~ Expressing How We Feel – A Matter of Responsibility

1,749 thoughts on “Giving Power back to Love: Making the Choice to not be Dominated by Hurt

  1. As most of us only know themselves by their emotions to be hurt usually comes with a righteousness to be hurt as the reasons seem to be obvious and self-explanatory and basically trigger and confirm emotions we already hold within from former events. Basically, we repeat a story we know inside out and know exactly to choose and only see the right ‘prompts’ to re-activate it; we are starring in our own drama. Not reacting requires us to let go of the story we have invested in so much and the identification that comes with it. Who are we then, will we still know ourselves, how will life be…? Letting go of reaction is life changing in many ways but mostly we get to know who we are and always have been before hurts and reactions formed us to a bundle of emotions.

  2. It is a fact that if we do not deal with something there will always be another point where we will be given the opportunity to address the hurts we still carry – best to see if for what it is and deal with it once and for all.

  3. It is because we know love that we hurt when encountering a behaviour that is not loving. What is our choice in such moments? Do we react or do we choose love? The problem is that we have lost ourselves in expecting love from outside of us, ie receiving it from another person, and as much as this is the way it should be it is not our reality yet. But are we waiting for everyone to be loving before we stop our own unloving behaviours or do we choose to be the love we want to experience with others?

  4. We live in a loveless society so it is up to all those who have been shown and know a different way to live to express love in full as only then will society have a reflection that is different to the lovelesness they are currently choosing.

  5. Beautiful Maree, when we heal our hurts, life changes dramatically and love is able to open up and be lived in the way it is meant to be. Taking things personally is a killer to the love that is inside us, that is who we are.

  6. “Without knowing my true value or having love for myself” there is no way if we don’t have love for ourselves that we can we hold steady and not let things affect us.

  7. Refreshingly candid article that shows a step or steps into how to simply honour a feeling instead of holding it and allowing it to affect everything there after. I am realising more and more how simple life is. We aren’t robots or fearless characters in a movie we are sensitive to feelings and how we deal with those is the key to everything. As discussed here we can feel something and retreat and not be aware of anything about it. There after, we will still feel it but not just allow the awareness of it. Or we can feel something and walk with that awareness into the next moment. It’s not a weakness or a cuddle or cry at everything in sight either, it is a simple case of allowing yourself to feel what was there and then not carrying it with you. Thus leaving you clear to be in the next moment. We often carry multiple past experiences into the next moment and wonder why things repeat. If something is repeating then like anything you need to have a look at it. After all if your tyre kept going flat or you kept running out of petrol wouldn’t you take steps to make sure this would not keep repeating? Yet we live in situations where this is happening and we choose to allow it to loop around again, funny but not funny also. Life is a cycle and like most it always returns, better we deal with as much as we can now, save having to do it later.

  8. If we live from reactions to our hurts we go through life blaming others for how we feel, instead of the truth which is that we are responsible for it all and that to hang on to hurts is our choice.

  9. It certainly does feel amazing not to be consumed by reacting to our hurts and approaching things in a very steady way, remaining open. We narrow our view the instant we go into reaction – not seeing the forest for the trees. By simply observing we see much more of what is truly occurring and even what we may buy into.

  10. I used to think that I had no reactions whatsoever, that I was really easy-going and flexible. What I’ve since discovered is that I was reacting to everything and everyone all of the time, but burying my reactions under a thick and fake veneer of polite and nice. It’s only when we get honest with what we’re feeling that we can start to let go of the hurts and reactions. Even though this takes some time and can be quite uncomfortable as we’re confronted by what we’ve allowed and what we’ve taken on, it’s worth it, because if we’re not feeling anything at all, we’re also not feeling the huge amount of love and support that is within us and around us. When we’re choosing not to feel anything at all, we can come across as though we’ve got it all together, as cool and aloof at best, and at worst, cold and uncaring. There’s a distance in our relationships, based on a disconnection within ourselves to what we can feel but are choosing not to.

    1. Wow! This is a blog in itself and so beautifully expressed Bryony. I used to think I was really easy going too, but I was also burying the reactions sooner than I could acknowledge them. I feel this is something women especially have mastered, as there are so many expectations on women to be nice, agreeable etc. Angry is definitely not acceptable! I found it was only the big reactions that made it through this filter. As with everything about our spirit, this game only bought time before I had to deal with it. Disharmony in the body has to come out eventually. As you say Bryony, cutting off feeling your reactions means you end up cutting off from other people, God, the grandness of life.

      1. It’s interesting to see the emotions we’ve deemed as acceptable, or not, and so which ones we allow ourselves to feel – particularly as women. I hadn’t thought about it this way, but I grew up with the notion that it was okay to cry and be emotional, but not to be angry – leading to ricocheting between being over-emotional and shut down and withdrawn.. not such a useful way of dealing with things. Getting honest with ourselves and giving ourselves permission to start feeling whatever is there, and to express that, is the way out of our disharmony, step by step as we unravel the layers of protective behaviour and numbness. It’s a very beautiful process, because as we let go of the layers, we make more space to allow the connection with ourselves, and others, and the bigger picture, to blossom and bloom.

      2. I thought of myself as easing going too, but all the time my body was expressing something completely different to me in the form of having regular migraines and headaches. I could not deny how frustrated and angry I was but used it to blame myself for what my body was communicating with me, I did not value myself at all but was not dealing with my reactions in a true way until I got Sacred Esoteric Healing sessions a couple of years ago and I would say this has been the start of a ‘new’ but known way of life.

  11. What would it feel like to not react when abused, blamed or targetted in some way? This is something I am still working on and I am seeing that I set myself up for it by pre-empting the other person’s reaction and so then don’t come from love. I can go into being nice, just plain, not say anything, or blurting something out, which can be a little harsh apparently. When I don’t come from a need to change something but just express how I feel, its a totally different ball game.

  12. “The way I can be when I am hurting is just as abrasive and uncaring as the behaviour of the person who may have incited the hurt in the first place”. This is so true for all of us. We become very self-focussed when we are hurt and often feel entitled to behave however we like. The hurt takes us back to the ‘small me’, which feels separate, powerless and alone and we lose sight of our connection with all.

  13. When we get a deeper understanding of our reactions we start to see how we use them not to feel our hurt. It is okay to feel if something is hurtful: it gives us the opportunity to feel the hurts we still kept inside or we just start to open up how much love we are not living to each other and how painful that is. By feeling that what is we feel also our love again.

  14. It is so common for people to attempt to run from and avoid any hurt usually through some form of maladaptive coping mechanism or the well used sweep it under the carpet method, however I love that you have discovered the importance of not fighting the hurt but choosing instead to surrender to it and honour the fragility with bringing tenderness and deep care to yourself until the inner turmoil shifts. This is profound and a beautiful and deeply healing way to support yourself through painful times, for it is in this space that true understanding and clarity is allowed to surface.

  15. More and more I observe how external activities might make their way into me and how in different little ways I have and can hang onto them. I can mull over something to the detriment of my overall well-being. This is a truly valuable awareness to have and observing with-out even the tiniest bit of judgment, critic or blame reveals the most wonderful understandings and is far more supportive and loving than ‘thinking’ I need any form of protection from what is going on.

  16. Talking about the hurt and really feeling it and releasing it from the body are two very different scenarios. Granted we sometimes have to talk about it to get to feel it but this depends on the quality we hold ourselves in and the quality in which we are being held and that’s why sometimes getting the support of someone we know can hold us in that space and reflect the truth back to us and this is invaluable.

  17. This blog is a constant study for me thank you Maree. Some essential reminders for me here including having a wall up for protection actually holds love back from being expressed outwardly and received from others; the importance of accepting hurts as they come up, and allowing space to be vulnerable, to feel and deeply nurture until the turmoil shifts; not denying how we feel and recognising the importance of expressing this.

  18. Holding steady in our self-love will ensure that we are in a position to see the bigger picture of what is at play in all we encounter in life. From this sound foundation abuse in any form will be seen for what it is and responded to appropriately, from a place of love.

  19. This blog is a great example of the power and importance of self-care: it provides a steady and solid foundation for us to build and to stay with, when everything outside of us appears shaky and wobbly. From that foundation, it’s much easier to hold the space to read and respond, instead of getting drawn into our well-worn reactive patterns.

  20. Very well said, Maree. Healing our hurts and living expressing our truth is a reflection that gives permission to others to do the same and the world can change.

  21. We set out into the world expecting all to be love only to recoil back feeling wounded by the lovelessness, and for many of us there seems to be already a pre-determined pattern of reaction waiting to be triggered. And I didn’t know for a very long time that my recoil was adding to the lovelessness, that there was a choice to be love myself.

  22. ‘I felt hurt from everyday life and lived behind a wall in an effort to not feel what I was feeling.’ There is a lot about life on planet Earth that is painful, and yes, much to feel very hurt by. However legitimate this reaction is, it’s not very helpful – it doesn’t change what it is we’re seeing and feeling. How much more satisfying to work towards mastering our disappointment or disgust with the world, life and others by (to paraphrase Gandhi) committing to ‘being the change we want to see’?

  23. “Without knowing my true value or having love for myself, it is easy to fall into the turmoil and become part of the cycle.” I agree Maree. The only way to not get caught up in the emotional turmoil is to build a true quality and steadiness of being by being tender and caring with ourselves so that we reconnect with knowing who we are and valuing our true worth.

  24. I am riddled with hurts – down to the finest things I have held onto since primary school and before – it’s crazy as it’s really affecting my health and my body. The reason I get so hurt is because I have expectations of people, situations and the world – it’s these expectations that create the hurts. I need to be far more willing to see whats really going on and not have expectations of people or situations. Don’t get me wrong of course things are going to hurt, it we would be lying if we said they didn’t – we are human beings after all – but it’s learning to not hold those hurts or react to people/situations in the first place. I am not very good at this, but it is something I am putting into practice and learning. But physically these hurts are weighing down my body big time, its like carrying around extra really heavy weight – if I let these go and healed them my body would be as light as a feather.

  25. Sometimes other people reacting to you is a good thing – as I am learning – what I need to work on is feeling okay with this, other people reacting to me, what I write or say, and not trying to be pilot or nice or doubt myself in what I shared. As in ‘oh no people are reacting, this must be a bad thing ( even though it can be a very good thing )’. Does anyone else ever feel this?

  26. An observational approach to life certainly allows us to respond to what is before us without becoming part of what is not ours to begin with.

  27. For every hurt we let go of, the more space we have to observe and study energy. And it is such a fascinating topic to learn about.

  28. “…… reactions are simply distractions used to keep me from feeling all the times in my life where I have chosen not to express what I truly feel and where I have said YES to the emotional rollercoaster rather than YES to love.” So true Maree. Since attending Universal medicine presentations – and having sessions with practitioners – my childhood hurts are largely healed and my emotional reactions so few in number I cant remember the last time I had one. The clarity with which I now feel is amazing – and continues to deepen.

  29. We all carry hurts but it is our willingness to accept what has happened and let it go that allows us to move forward and focus on that which is more supportive and loving for ourselves creating a more steady foundation that allows us to let go of that which has imprisoned us in the past.

    1. This makes so much sense Francisco, and whilst reading this it occurred to me the extent in which our holding on to old hurts can change our lives forever, and not in a good way. We become so restricted and rigid within our views which then blinds us to the more in life.

    2. I find expanding my view of a situation can support me to let go of hurt, because usually there is a personal element involved so when I see the bigger picture I get more understanding and can then see that it’s not related to me at all.

  30. Whilst reading your blog this morning I am reminded not to make decisions out of hurts; to be aware of, and connected to, our innate inner wisdom, truth and love when making decisions.

  31. When we let go of being dominated by hurts we can be open to what is true and loving, rather than being continually distracted and focussed on what is not true.

    1. The world as it is seems constructed to help us manage hurts, to live from hurts, and to live as a result in a very reduced way. We seem to have settled for that reduction of ourselves, and for the continual cycles of living in hurt together generation after generation, instead of living from the magnificent, loving essence we each are. We foster ways of managing the hurts and do not foster our true beingness.

  32. Thank you Maree for the reminder that we have a choice. For me this feels like claiming this fact opens up the paths – I can continue to be dominated and blind OR I can open myself up to the other path, of self-love and listening to my body, the body that knows how to best be in the situation that is supportive for all.

  33. Going into a hurt is always a reaction…an avoidance of our own magnificence…a way of avoiding our true nature.

  34. There is no doubt that much of life here on earth brings about hurt and harm; our challenge is certainly not to be dominated by what hurts us; whether the source be internal or external. As you have so clearly pointed out Maree this is a choice and the choice is always ours.

  35. Maree your blog is a constant support, and I understand and feel things slightly differently each time I read. Taking things personally is a big part of the cycle of hurts, unawares to us it’s that persons story colliding with ours, and that of course feels personal, but the huge story they are coming from is how that moment erupts, not because of us. I also am learning again at the moment the importance of expressing in full in situations, otherwise the situation and my reaction seems to get carried along with me.

  36. What comes to me is a claiming of a deeper level of knowing in my body that everything affects everything; the ripples of love or harm that we live in whether they are expressed or not and the responsibility that belongs to us to be and live love with an understanding and an allowing for another to choose otherwise if this is the case.

  37. When we are stressed and intense we can also be quite abrasive and unpleasant to be around…which only serves to exacerbate the original stress or issue all the more.

  38. “By choosing to not be dominated by emotion, we maintain a sense of clarity, we bring understanding to our relationships – and in this we give power back to love.” Freeing myself from the domination of my emotions (still a work in progress) is so liberating. By doing so I now live with a feeling of spaciousness and confidence within myself, which I did not have before and that is so enhancing.

  39. ‘My newfound calm approach showed me that the chaos was outside of me, not inside of me.’ Maree this is so true, we often feel the chaos of life and react to the situations we find ourselves in, yet through true connection with ourselves we are able to find a calm that quells the chaos.

  40. ‘Without knowing my true value or having love for myself, it is easy to fall into the turmoil and become part of the cycle.’ True Maree although deep inside I have always known my true value but I have identified myself with being less and worthless and thus hurt by every thing and one around me. The start of stepping out of this for me has been the Gentle Breath Meditation. Feeling my own breath and my body brought me to a more observing way of living and always a go to, to bring myself back to who I know I am, love, just like everybody else is.

  41. Understanding that hurt is something we create from holding back who we truly are…this is hugely revelatory.

  42. “The teachings encouraged me to bring love and care to myself each day, and eventually my self-worth and sense of value began to blossom.” It really is about bringing love and care each and every day. We can get lost in the day to day functional aspects of life and very easily get caught up in that and not hold firm what is there to truly feel and appreciate. My sense is that appreciation, or lack there of, can really impact our self worth and whether it can continue to blossom on an ongoing basis.

  43. ‘Without knowing my true value or having love for myself, it is easy to fall into the turmoil and become part of the cycle.’ Staying with our Value and Love through life’s challenges is the true test and so beautiful for ourselves and others to feel.

  44. Being dominated by our hurts means being enstrangled by them. We are kept in a prison of our own making.
    Choosing to open up to ourselves and heal our hurts little by little is a movement towards a freedom like no other – because only then do we start to get to know the real essence of who we are, pure and untainted by any outside hurt we’ve let latch on.

  45. I chose to be hurt by something someone said to me last night. It stayed with me and affected everything I was doing and how I was then talking with others. Then I asked myself what exactly was I hurt by, and eventually it came down to me having an expectation and believing what was said. I then felt lighter and cleared the air, so to say, with the other person. Knowing it wasn’t them at all but how I reacted.

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