What would it mean to not be dominated by hurt? What would it feel like to not react when abused, blamed or targetted in some way? What would it feel like to give power back to love?
A little while ago now I started an autopsy on ‘hurt’ to find out what it was really all about. I was tired of reacting and feeling emotional, I was tired of the upset and the inner discomfort, and I was tired of wasting days stressed and behaving in a way that was intense for myself and those around me.
Of course when another person is choosing to be loving, there is nothing here to trigger me to react and because of this, it is easy to respond in kind.
There have been many other occasions when another person has expressed to me something personal about myself, and I could have easily reacted from insult or hurt given the content that had been raised, but the loving quality that they have expressed meant that I did not feel hurt at all. In fact, I have felt the truth in what has been shared as well as immense gratitude for the opportunity provided to change and live more aligned to my true self. When the intention behind the comment was from tenderness and care, I would feel every bit of the support.
It is not so easy however, to not react when another is choosing to express themselves in a way which is unloving or abrasive.
The hurt from these situations was something that I would usually carry with me for some time, and the way I can be when I am hurting is just as abrasive and uncaring as the behaviour of the person who may have incited the hurt in the first place.
What I have felt here is more of a backlash and sometimes I was just collateral damage, caught up in the path of someone’s pain and frustration where they were desperate for relief. Without knowing my true value or having love for myself, it is easy to fall into the turmoil and become part of the cycle.
I cringe when I admit this, but for many years when I was hurt I would talk about the problem incessantly and in a way that was not constructive or healing. I could talk badly about the person, I could make assumptions about what is going on, I could avoid the person, I could withdraw from the person, I could hold a grudge against the person and for many years I would turn the matter onto myself with self-beratement, feeling an immense guilt for how I had not handled the situation well. I can do all of this behind a wall that says “I can’t stand feeling this hurt anymore, please stay away from me.”
This way of being with hurt has never served me well. It impacted on my relationships and capped the opportunity for any real healing or understanding.
Bringing my Hurt to Universal Medicine
When I first came to the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I felt hurt from everyday life and lived behind a wall in an effort to not feel what I was feeling. The wall did not work well and hurt could enter my body like lightning. In fact, my body would experience hurt long before my brain had even registered what had happened before me.
Despite my ‘wall’ never serving as a supportive technique to deal with hurt, I continued to spend my days with it up, keeping people out and keeping me contained too. Now I realise that all I was really doing was to stifle love – I stopped myself from allowing love in and love out, so it makes sense that my days were full of hurtful situations and reactions, for if there is no love, there is everything else.
The teachings encouraged me to bring love and care to myself each day, and eventually my self-worth and sense of value began to blossom. I didn’t rely on others so much to be ‘pleasant’ or ‘friendly’ or even ‘polite’ so that I felt secure and so that I could manage my reactions, as I was providing for and honouring myself. I was dealing with my hurts as they presented instead of burying them, and in this I found that my wild reactions to others began to subside.
I discovered how important it is to not fight the hurt but to surrender and honour the feeling of fragility, bringing tenderness and deep care to myself until the inner turmoil shifted. Sometimes I needed to reach out for support and talk the situation through with someone I really trusted.
Learning to care for myself during these times allowed space for me to return to my true self, as well as the opportunity for great clarity and wisdom to rise to the surface – an essential step to giving power back to love.
These changes were a step in the right direction, but I began to wonder whether it was at all possible to not react when another person was aggressive, hurtful and accusatory? Could I stay connected to my own steadiness and simply observe the behavior before me without taking on board another person’s reaction myself?
I felt there was a possibility that I could not react to another, but I wasn’t going to just believe something because I wanted it to be true, I had to know it was truly possible from my own lived experience. Fortunately, I did not have to wait too long for a situation to arise that would provide the answer.
In the days following the 2015 Universal Medicine Lennox Head Retreat I was feeling particularly amazing, enjoying an unshakable inner knowing and stillness in my body that I had never felt before. Upon returning to work I felt a certainty and assuredness and was handling tasks and resolving problems with ease.
My newfound calm approach showed me that the chaos was outside of me, not inside of me.
I was then approached by a work colleague who made certain accusations. An experience like this would have normally disturbed me and my typical response would have been to deny what I had been feeling, smother the hurt with ‘nice’ or ‘polite’ and say nothing, or I would become defensive. In this situation though, I responded to the other person instead of going into a reaction. I spoke openly and honestly about how I was feeling without any holding back. My words were expressed with love and consideration, and I shared with utter honesty about my concerns. Initially, this situation had all the warning signs indicating conflict, but this is not what happened. When we parted, we both knew that something amazing had happened for us both and we commented to this effect.
This particular situation showed me that when I observe a situation as it unfolds before me rather than be all-involved, I have clarity and can express from my true self because my hurts and reactions are not charging the situation, but when I make myself small, make it all about me, go into self-doubt, blame, jealousy, frustration, anger, insult or defensiveness, I choose to be distracted by all the emotions that are there waiting to have an experience.
It appears that there is no end to the reactions I can endure in my life if this is what I choose. As difficult as it is to admit, these reactions are simply distractions used to keep me from feeling all the times in my life where I have chosen not to express what I truly feel and where I have said YES to the emotional rollercoaster rather than YES to love.
There are many other situations that have presented since where I have been able to connect with the truth instead of simply reacting to the situation, but presently I have not yet mastered this way of living and do not live it with any consistency. What I can say however, is that I have experienced a glimpse of what it would be like to not take life and the reactions from others so personally.
By choosing to not be dominated by emotion, we maintain a sense of clarity, we bring understanding to our relationships – and in this we give power back to love.
By Maree Savins, Engineering Project Support Officer, Tertiary Education, Australia