A Smile for Love? How we Learn to Leave Ourselves

by Lee Green, Perth

As a baby we are without doubt at our most vulnerable. We have nothing to do but just be the baby that we are. We are moved, fed, bathed, clothed and loved for being this small bundle of a person. There is no pressure here, no dance to perform, no getting it right or wrong – it is just who we are and where we are at.

Soon though, that ‘just being’ is ever so slightly disrupted. We become aware that mouths move at us, wanting us to perform in some way. In an instant it goes from “Look, he is smiling…” to “Come on, smile, come on, smile for mummy, for daddy”. So here it is, the first choice ­– stay with just being, or start doing what is asked for.

I wonder how many of us click here, realising that when we ‘do’ stuff, we get stuff back. Smile and I get a smile, or a laugh, or a look that says LOVE, rather than that love I first felt, that was so warm and yummy, that asked nothing of me. I had to ‘do’ nothing for it!

What is going on?

All of a sudden I don’t get love unless I smile?

Something is not right!

Then the real stuff starts: “Come on, hold it” and “Hold the spoon” and “Feed yourself” – all for a LOVE I first got for just BEING.

There is something amiss.

We change ourselves from this lovely being into a circus performer, doing tricks for a perceived love that wants us to fit into the same box that everyone else is in.

For what? Is it so the people asking us to ‘do’ can feel more comfortable? Is it because in this exchange they don’t have to feel the love they left behind when they chose to play ball with this perceived love?

Is it possible that we all deeply know true love?

When a baby is born there is no imposition, no need, just a being-ness felt by all. How powerful, that a baby can reunite us with that love that we all know – a window back to where we are from. How do we handle this?

Do we let it be or, because we left that love within us and started to perform for ‘love’, do we go about teaching our children how to leave it too? We speak of the hurt and pain in the world, yet how painful is the realisation that we, as humanity, go out of our way to separate another from their true love?

How painful is it that in order to get ‘love’ we have to do, or perform; shape-shifting the love we already are so that we are not recognisable. We get pushed, pulled, torn, twisted and broken in the process. The hurt this leaves becomes the part we live from and desperately attempt to make better for the rest of our lives.

Truly, what is going on?

I was 35 years of age when alcohol, drugs, over-work and chasing material salvation brought me to a stop and made me look at the fact that the life I was living was not ‘it’. It was not loving or caring on many levels. I was making choices that were really band aids to mask and melt away the pain of the hurt of me not being ME; of not being a man in the true sense of that word; of being alone.

So I began to uncover the lovely man I am – naturally so, within my relationships at home and with colleagues and friends. It is a work in progress and it happens with the support of Universal Medicine and the inner knowing that I was a beautiful baby and I am now a beautiful man. It happens because I choose to let me be without needing to perform. I am coming back to that original love, the warmth I knew as a baby for being just me, scrummy yummy all of me.

Now that’s a choice worth smiling at.

744 thoughts on “A Smile for Love? How we Learn to Leave Ourselves

  1. It is deeply beautiful that a baby is born reflecting to us all that in living the love we innately are, there is no imposition, no need, and a beingness that can be felt by all. The world and all it’s occupants cannot the deny the loss they feel under the ‘I’m doing okay’ facades due to losing touch with what we once all naturally embraced. What is gorgeous however is that it is never too late to connect to this within and leave the circus performing ways behind.

  2. Not just with babies, we could enter into any relationship and there’s usually a honeymoon period where everything is exciting, new and appreciated then the novelty starts to wear off and we start seeing the ‘imperfection’ where we feel our needs/expectation is not being met and simply being is no longer enough and we want to see some doing.

  3. It is very revealing if we become aware how many times we smile without really feeling a joy within ourselves. It became more a condition towards each other to smile as a way of saying hello. We let our body to make a movement which many times is not natural, as many are not living in a joyful way. We can see even each others deep sadness behind the smile. We behave in a way like clowns. That is why I love so much the modality of Universal medicine called Facial release. All is energetically held in our face and we can release those masks and how we show ourselves to the world so the true us comes out.

  4. You know how far and how long you have not been you when you find it difficult to be you and express what you feel. How can you get it wrong when all you have to be is to start with honesty with what you feel…

  5. It’s awful how much we impose on children to perform for Love, and it makes sense that we take that with us and continue to do it on all areas of our lives. Forgetting that love isn’t something you attain, not something you earn, it’s what we’re already made of, it’s who we are.

  6. I am only worth something if I ‘get it right’. This was drummed into me as a kid from every angle of society. What an unreal pressure we put on kids and ourselves – one that is out to totally destroy our connection to the gorgeous beings we truly are – and the truth that loving and being ourselves is all we ever need to do.

  7. Being ‘nice’ must be one of the most serious afflictions to have ever affected the human race. For how much of our life do we spend attempting to please others or to make things look a certain way at our end? When all along there is no actual need, no reason we need to pretend. The main reason we carry on this way appears to be just to maintain harmony and ‘not fight’ – yet the irony is when you look at our history this seems to be all we do in fact. It’s evident, as you show Lee that this nice way of being isn’t working. What if we tried being kinder to ourselves and offered a smile inside, to no-one but ourselves? Perhaps then we would feel more supported and acknowledged, Loved and nourished than we ever could by seeking outside of ourselves?

  8. once we undo all the imposts of a society and world that would dictate how we are to be, then our smile comes naturally from the joy of who we are together.

  9. What is highlighted to me through this Lee is, as a baby our innate ability to read energy was very much activated as was our choice as to how to respond. And in fact, reading energy is something we never stop doing it is only that we just shut off or shut down our response to what we are feeling. As often we are met with world that is fuelled by loveless behaviours when growing up, we see that the vibration of the love that we are is not being lived and so we choose to fit into the culture that surrounds us. We chose to leave love to fit into the lovelessness, to be accepted, to receive attention, and recognition and as such we seek to numb our sense that this is not who we are, and shut down our response to the energy we read. The beautiful thing is as you have shared, who we truly are remains true, always waiting for us to return to being, and embracing the power we are all here to live. As complete and full of love as we were as the day we were born.

  10. We meander through life with the belief that we have to become someone all the while we are already all that we can be and all we need is the space to unfold all that is there already.

  11. “We speak of the hurt and pain in the world, yet how painful is the realisation that we, as humanity, go out of our way to separate another from their true love?” When you put it like this, we need to really stop and ponder what we actually do to separate another from their true love.

  12. One of the worst parts of this scenario you describe Lee is the way we harshly judge ourselves for not delivering the results or performance we think we should. We shift from giving this smile you mention to ‘being a good dad’ or a ‘happy partner’. What a big relief then to drop this belief and cherish ourselves for the beautiful person we are underneath.

  13. Everyday life can seem pretty simple. But sometimes it gets messy, disappointing and confusing too. What I am tracing back now is how this complication comes when we allow expectations in of how we or other people need to be. Then it’s like we become actors in a misguided play, speaking lines of fear and hate, that aren’t ours to say. Yes there is so far we can drift Lee from the simplicity of just being us. But how great when we return to the essence of us, with nothing to do or anything to prove.

  14. Gosh it starts so young doesn’t it? We start to exchange ourselves for a smile, recognition, or a reward from such an early age. From here we separate from naturally being with ourselves and the deep knowing that is enough. You are right Lee, that is a big hurt and one that many of us carry for lifetimes. Great work on seeing this, and working on it and returning to the scrumminess that is naturally you.

  15. Its crazy when we reflect back how early it starts, so young as baby. And all we want to do is please and fit it, so we keep adjusting and changing. Then as we have got older we have just got lost or gone too far to even remember what our true essence was, hence all the illness and disease in our bodies.

  16. Learning that love is from within, and that we always have access to it for ourselves is a game changer in life.

  17. Very lovely to read Lee. Now I have also started to feel that yumminess inside me – of which I did not have any recollection what so ever – and once I feel that, I cannot stop smiling as well. And its not a plastic forced “Look I am doing well smile” but a smile from feeling my own beauty. And I can feel this feeling, has just started….

  18. This was gorgeous to read. Yes, it is so painful to recognise that we go to great lengths to separate ourselves from the love we are and the love we feel for others. But as each of us calls this out in ourselves and starts to make the steps back to the love we are, a love that comes from within us and see the love within everyone else equally so, it inspires another and then another.

  19. ‘…a baby can reunite us with that love that we all know – a window back to where we are from.’ True Lee, an open window to let out the divinity we are coming from and all know so well but is sometimes buried under all our hurts and misery but always is the love patiently waiting for us to for when we choose to heal the past and make a start with living our divine nature once more.

  20. Thanks for sharing this Lee. You help me understand why I have such a hard time accepting myself as I am. It is beautiful to allow myself to feel that I am as precious as I was when I was a baby, I just need to make the choice to connect to it.

  21. The most exquisite inner smile is when you feel the love that is your very essence a reconnection to the love that is felt when we hold a newborn baby in our arms.

  22. It’s a tough one, letting go of the idea that we need to perform in order to be loved / get recognised. It’s something I’m reflecting on at the moment in a new job. That uncertainty of how I’m doing in the eyes of others can be a great distraction from accepting my commitment and dedication to the job and doing it to the best of my ability, regardless of what that might look like to another.

  23. The temptation to praise my children and others when they do well no doubt is there but I often ponder and ask ‘why? What for?’… to make myself and others feel better? I’m not popular as I quietly observe and witness the children feel they have let their parents down but most of the time I cannot be any other when I know the illusion of achieving is not it.

  24. When you look at a new born baby they seem so content, totally at ease with life, and able to let everything go. They can sleep anywhere, and don’t seem to need a cappuccino to get their body to work, at least that I have seen. Whatever they are doing it seems to me reading what you say Lee, that we could all do well with taking a leaf out of their book. Usually it’s adults who read the children tales but it seems to me they are the ones who are teaching us all about the quality of true Love.

  25. It has been a joy to raise our child in a way where we don’t need her to preform. If she falls over we don’t react, if she just wants to look into your eyes, we let her. We let her be her and that is something I didn’t grow up with. Because we feed a culture where we need to be happy and smiling and think that that means love.

  26. ‘Smile and I get a smile, or a laugh, or a look that says LOVE, rather than that love I first felt, that was so warm and yummy, that asked nothing of me. I had to ‘do’ nothing for it!’ Going back to true love is setting yourself, and also others free, no expectations or demands but a space for all to be and with a smile from the inside out.

  27. This pattern you describe Lee, hooks us into a continual game of seeking and giving attention and affection. Like a drug addict ‘chasing the dragon’ we get vengeful when we see others turn away from giving us our ‘hit’. This leads us to being so horrible to these people we claim to Love. We clearly live then the very opposite of what we are here to bring. This is a game we’ll never win – the only way out is to step outside and see the true care and Love we all need has to come from within.

  28. You point out two key things here Lee, we leave ourselves as children to get that praise and the version of love that comes with it rather than just being us and then when we see that in our children we teach them the same, we continue the cycle … until we are offered a stop and we see that there can be another way and we can choose to stay with us; your story is a great reminder that we never loose that original love in us, it’s ready and waiting when we decide to come back to it.

  29. We often learn early that we need to perform for love, but if we already Are Love, how can this be possible? So we could conclude that when we are ‘performing ‘ or trying …this is not Love, and that when we are simply and beautifully ourselves, Love is naturally there.

  30. And thus the whole set-up is exposed – how we are shaped from the cradle to the grave to ‘do’ instead of ‘be’ in order to get some form of attention and recognition in life to justify and make up for the fact that we have made a move away from love by way of seeking and responding to external praise for our actions. How many of us do not fully realise that this is the ill seed that guides our movements and makes sure we do not live the true greatness we each in essence are and were born with and with this awareness also understand that there is a way to move that does so in respect to the true nature of our inner-most self?

    1. How many of us? Not many! It is such a hook, and from the moment you recognise the pattern, although you are more aware, there is also a bit of relief when someone does praise you because you know it is being recognised. Trapped again. Freeing yourself from this ‘need’ to be recognised for what you do or who you are is a key to life-long mental health.

  31. The need for our children to perform no doubt exposes the emptiness within us for if we were full of love holding the space we would not feel the need to impose on to our children. Any imposition reveals a lack of love within ourselves.

  32. Doing things to be loved simply leaves us feeling empty. The truth is we can only fill ourselves up with the love that we naturally are and when we express that our own love feeds us back.

  33. There is nothing wrong with boundaries, setting standards of living and giving children responsibilities – in fact, it is very needed for their development. However, it should never be done at the expense or over-value of their quality, joy and innate being-ness. In other words, the doing comes second to confirming who they are as a being.

  34. How much have we all bought into this without even realising we are doing it? Expected something back from another to make ourselves feel better? I taught my kids to make the mumumum sound before the dadadada sound because I needed to know they valued me as I was the one who was with them all day! Go figure! Looking back now, I can see how much I needed from my children and can appreciate the deep love they have brought to my learning and return to love from the inside of me, and not from them or anyone else. It is the greatest gift they could all have offered and I know I am loved by them, not because I am their mother, but because I love them for who they are, not what I need them to be.

  35. We can start playing the game and giving our power away so early in life, but it is never too late to return to true beauty and immenseness of who we truly are.

  36. Lee, this is truly inspirational as it easy to manage life and don’t have to deal with the underlying sadness of not being who we truly are, but as you have shared it is not until we deal with the hurt within that we can start to appreciate the beauty and divinity within ourselves.

  37. We look at young babies with such a freshness, an adoration almost and we touch and pick them up with such care and warmth. As they grow we tend to want to see them ‘stand on their own two feet’ and we slowly withdraw that care and warmth for them just being who they are. As the article is saying we mould them into “performers” and they walk into it. There is very few celebrating people like a new born baby for simply just being, how ever that looks. I’m not saying we should do everything for everyone but more saying seeing a person just for being a person before they do anything and celebrating or appreciating them in this way isn’t really how we currently go about business. I wonder if there is a link between how we are with each other and then how we feel about ourselves. Again like a baby can do no wrong and yet as you grow you can seem to do everything wrong in the world and we don’t hold onto the value that supports our young to truly grow and that includes true understanding, care, warmth, support, love and respect. So often the world gets so caught in looking after itself that we can walk by or look at people and not even truly see them.

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