Equalness and Being a Man

by Lee Green, humbled man, Perth

I am a man and am piecing together what it truly is to be me. This process is fascinating and akin to dipping my toe in the water – unsure about the ‘water temperature’ but knowing I want to swim. The amazing thing is that each time I dip my toe in, a little more of me feels a little more confident – then something else is presented. At this time, it is ‘equalness’… the equalness between men and women.

What is this ‘equalness’? I have only just realised that my mouth has been saying all the right things and my gestures portray a tolerance of this equalness, and yet there is no depth to it. It doesn’t feel real. It actually feels a bit like an old, heavy coat, passed down from generation to generation to show ‘our women folk’ that they are considered and held dear. And yet, as I sit with this coat on, it still feels empty and not at all equal.

So what is the payoff? Is it there to protect us from something? The pride of a man, protected by an old, heavy coat… The possibility that the man has strayed ‘oh so far from his true way’ or ‘lost his true way’, that the coat now acts as a security blanket?! Just in case anyone should find out that I am just playing a ‘role’ and am hiding my true self from the world – a tender and loving self.

The coat prevents us from stopping and saying, “You know what? This has been happening in our house, in our home, for too long… It feels wrong and I cannot keep up with the falseness any longer. I am a man who is finding my way back, and yet in that return I am still doggedly holding on to the fact that I must be stronger, earn more, be looked after, taken care of, held when I want, have sex when I want, do my hobby, mope and moan, and act like a little boy… Our terms are always so selfish, aren’t they?”

Pause.

“It is not that I want to be this man, but this coat is so heavy and I have been wearing it for so long that some days I only see the coat, and not who I am at all.”

“Right now, I can see quite clearly that the amazing woman you are doesn’t see the coat but the ‘true me’, and that your trust in the ‘true me’ is the helping hand I need to get this coat off for good.”

“I can also see that when I put the coat on it not only changes me but impacts you, and that it hurts us both. I never saw that before… I never felt that before, or the pain that you suffer when I choose the coat and its inequalities, over true equality.”

Devastating.

Hello world! I am taking off this old, tired coat so you can see me now as the man I truly am.

And I also know that no man is an island, and that my own development is intertwined with those around me. The women I live with are so patient, loving and amazing. Yes, extremely patient. And I am very appreciative.

325 thoughts on “Equalness and Being a Man

  1. The way you are expressing Lee is so very much needed for us all, to get us all out of these old clothes and see and live the beauty that is underneath.

  2. What you have written, Lee, is very beautiful, beautifully written, exposing and very humbling, “I can also see that when I put the coat on it not only changes me but impacts you, and that it hurts us both. I never saw that before… I never felt that before, or the pain that you suffer when I choose the coat and its inequalities, over true equality.” And through this humbleness you ignite tenderness.

  3. As I read this again I am struck by the realisation that to take of the ‘coat’ you describe is so difficult is because in reality it has become such an entrenched way of being that it is no longer a ‘coat’ but a layer of ‘skin’.

  4. Transparency is the key to evolution. Goodbye old coat of imposed ideals and beliefs, there is a man of the future living untouched beneath ☺

  5. This is so beautiful, honest and really lovely. I can feel as a woman how I have contributed in keeping men in those coats, and actually recoiled when I had a glimpse of what might be underneath – as that meant I had to become aware of the coat I was wearing and what I was hiding underneath. One by one, we are seeing more men and women walking with no coat on, and we can feel the lightness in their footsteps and the joy they are in in receiving the warmth of the sun directly.

  6. As I read your blog Lee I see a reflection that questions my understanding and embodiment of equalness. It is something I value greatly – but am I truly living it? Some more humble pie to eat it seems.

  7. Thank you Lee for this simple yet profound reflection of how when we choose to be more love and truth for ourselves we are choosing to live more love and truth in our lives, for how we are with ourselves is how we are with others. In love all are equal as this is the truth of who we all are, we only express our love in unique ways through our chosen incarnations, yet in essence it is love that forever holds us all in equalness.

  8. We can talk the talk but do we walk the walk? We can say a lot with words and words can be somewhat deceiving if we fail to be aware of body language and the intention behind the words.

  9. So beautiful and freeing to let go and take off the coat of those ideals and beliefs that have had us tied up for so long, Showing to the world the love we truly are and come from and live that love equally with others in our day to day life.

  10. Hiding behind roles is always a possibility. The question is twofold: what are we hiding from? And what is that we are hiding (that is not sharing with others)? These two questions are related: we hide ourselves from ourselves first and foremost. We hide (that is we choose not to choose) qualities so we do not have to accept as part of our way of moving in this world. The name of the game is to avoid being ourselves in full.

  11. Men all around the world are wearing these coats … and some are so dense and heavy that it seems that they re-appear life after life. That it is possible to recognize and release this burden must rate as a miracle, or maybe just a recognition of the ancient wisdom that reminds us always who we truly are.

  12. It is beautiful that with the love and support of amazing women, you have been able to be so deeply honest and from that inspired to let go of everything that is not you and be willing to expose the truth and true beauty of who you are free of ideals and beliefs that only serve to harm us all through the lies and inequality they promote. Gorgeous.

  13. “Our terms are always so selfish, aren’t they?” So true, the terms and conditions we give the world of what we require to perform and what we need and want is undoubtably selfish, perhaps when we drop our terms is when we truly experience equalness?

  14. Wow Lee thanks for being so honest and sharing how you are getting to know your real self, without the heavy coat. It’s great to acknowledge that we need the support of one another.

  15. It is interesting how many relationships are based on co-dependency and often the roles are mother-child relationships, sometimes the woman playing the mother and the man the boy, that needs to be cooked for, served and cleaned up after, at other times the man is the (sugar)daddy and the woman plays the little girl, denying herself her womanly power. A truly equal relationship with no attachment to certain roles is rare and quite a challenge to step into.

  16. What you describe here Lee is very ‘I want to have my cake and eat it too’, as in ‘I want all the benefits that come from having an empowered and inspiring woman in my life – but I still want her to be my mother / housekeeper / nurse maid / sex slave / listening post / etc’ – which of course is at the end of the day a way of saying ‘No’ to the presence of a truly empowered woman in one’s life. I love that you have decided to cast the coat of comfort aside in favour of a truly equal relationship: one in which responsibility for one’s self is taken.

  17. The pictures of who we think we are are often in conflict with who we actually are, and by seeing them as pictures and not truth, we can take the steps to live as who we are.

  18. We all need to shed our old skins, or coats, on a regular basis if we are to continue to evolve and grow.

  19. When we release our grip on the layers of protection that we think are keeping us safe we realise that within our true essence we are all equal and those layers have been harming us and preventing us from knowing our precious and powerful being.

  20. Eventually we all wake up to the falseness of all lies from the deep discomfort that comes from knowing within what is true.

  21. Women are very good at seeing the essence of men – at times, they are not so good at allowing space for men to get there themselves.

  22. You can see the process in this article and for me that’s what I appreciate. So often you can find yourself in trying to make things perfect or have it all before it’s shared. Especially as men, there is an expectation you can do everything, know everything and take everything and yet here we are seeing that men truly aren’t robots. There is a sincerity, an honesty and a view shown to us in this article from how to walk back to truly being a man, not holding and trying to show you have the answers and can carry the load but more developing the strength of allowing what you are already feeling and seeing to be how you are. This for me I see as very brave and touching about how this article is written.

  23. Thank you Lee for such an exquisite blog, your honesty and vulnerability is deeply touching. We all have a few “old coats” that we need to let go of. The important thing is to be honest about them and then we can replace the “old coats” with our splendour.

  24. A powerful blog Lee. I love that you have taken this old coat off and let the world see the sensitivity and vulnerability that is within.
    “Hello world! I am taking off this old, tired coat so you can see me now as the man I truly am”.

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