by Kylie Kennedy, Brisbane, Australia
Coming out and saying I am an esoteric student has brought up so much fear in me. Why? Fear about being seen as ‘different’ or ‘weird’; people may make fun of me, and all of the media cult accusations have made this a bigger fear. However, it is because of the unfairness of the media attack that I can no longer hide the fact that I am an esoteric student.
But what does it mean that I am an esoteric student? First and foremost, I would like to highlight the word ‘student’: according to the dictionary it means, “Any person who studies, investigates or examines thoughtfully.” As for the word ‘esoteric’, I understand it by its oldest meaning, “inner-most”, or “inner-heart”. So as a ‘student of the esoteric’, I am simply someone who has made a commitment to make my life about love – to learn and understand my inner-most – so that I can be all of who I am in all that I do, and with everyone I meet. By no means do I claim to be ‘perfect’. Being an esoteric student means that there is a commitment with yourself, not with any person or organisation, but with yourself. It is a commitment to build a life based on love.
Growing up, I was always an outcast – I was picked on not only by other children, but by adults as well; I had a woman tell me at the age of 10 that she hated me because I reminded her of her sister. I was called fat and so only naturally I grew up with insecurity about my weight. As time went on I became a teenager, and like any teenager I tried to find my way. To deal with my insecurities and to stop being picked on, I joined a gang; I started drinking and getting drunk during the day at 14 years of age, ditching school and doing graffiti on properties.
I did all of this because I wanted to fit in, because I wanted to belong, because inside I was screaming for attention – I was screaming to be loved. But I didn’t find it as part of a gang. Luckily for me I had a mother who removed me from this situation and sent me off to live with my dad. I then grew into a young lady, a so-called adult in society. But really what this meant was that at age 18 I was now legally able to buy my own cigarettes and alcohol and go to pubs and clubs. In my search to belong and to ‘find love’ I sought male attention, and I was not alone in this, as so too did my girlfriends. A great night out was based on how much male attention you received when out at the pubs and clubs.
In my early twenties I discovered that there was more to life and there was more to living. For the first time in my life I felt loved, and the strange thing was that this feeling of love didn’t come from another person, from family, friends, nor from a boyfriend… it came from me. I started to learn that I can love myself, and this might sound up myself, but we have all heard the saying “You cannot love another until you love yourself”; well, I was discovering this love for myself.
Today my life is about love. I am not perfect in that, even though I try. Today I have a beautiful partner and a beautiful child, our relationship is open and honest and we strive to communicate with each other all the time. Because of this we hardly argue or fight, and there is a deepening of appreciation for each other and what each of us offers to our relationship. This is because we have made the choice to choose love in our lives. It is so simple yet so powerful – don’t get me wrong, we still have our issues – but it’s the choice to talk about it, to express it openly and honestly with each other, and not let it fester into resentment of each other, that each day we appreciate each other more and more.
So once again I find myself in a place where I can crumble under the scrutiny of the media and a few members of society, or I can continue to choose love.
I will always continue to choose love.
I am a student learning to reimprint my life with love, and in the process I am discovering how amazingly beautiful life can be in all that I am and in all I that do, and in all the people I meet. I am learning to treat everyone equally and with love. As a student and a human being there are times when I am not loving, but I choose to get back up again and keep making that choice. I am by no means perfect, but I have the power to make choices and choose how I live my life.