Esoteric Student? It’s about a Commitment to Love

by Kylie Kennedy, Brisbane, Australia

Coming out and saying I am an esoteric student has brought up so much fear in me. Why? Fear about being seen as ‘different’ or ‘weird’; people may make fun of me, and all of the media cult accusations have made this a bigger fear. However, it is because of the unfairness of the media attack that I can no longer hide the fact that I am an esoteric student.

But what does it mean that I am an esoteric student? First and foremost, I would like to highlight the word ‘student’: according to the dictionary it means, “Any person who studies, investigates or examines thoughtfully.” As for the word ‘esoteric’, I understand it by its oldest meaning, “inner-most”, or “inner-heart”. So as a ‘student of the esoteric’, I am simply someone who has made a commitment to make my life about love – to learn and understand my inner-most – so that I can be all of who I am in all that I do, and with everyone I meet. By no means do I claim to be ‘perfect’. Being an esoteric student means that there is a commitment with yourself, not with any person or organisation, but with yourself. It is a commitment to build a life based on love.

Growing up, I was always an outcast – I was picked on not only by other children, but by adults as well; I had a woman tell me at the age of 10 that she hated me because I reminded her of her sister. I was called fat and so only naturally I grew up with insecurity about my weight. As time went on I became a teenager, and like any teenager I tried to find my way. To deal with my insecurities and to stop being picked on, I joined a gang; I started drinking and getting drunk during the day at 14 years of age, ditching school and doing graffiti on properties.

I did all of this because I wanted to fit in, because I wanted to belong, because inside I was screaming for attention – I was screaming to be loved. But I didn’t find it as part of a gang. Luckily for me I had a mother who removed me from this situation and sent me off to live with my dad. I then grew into a young lady, a so-called adult in society. But really what this meant was that at age 18 I was now legally able to buy my own cigarettes and alcohol and go to pubs and clubs. In my search to belong and to ‘find love’ I sought male attention, and I was not alone in this, as so too did my girlfriends. A great night out was based on how much male attention you received when out at the pubs and clubs.

In my early twenties I discovered that there was more to life and there was more to living. For the first time in my life I felt loved, and the strange thing was that this feeling of love didn’t come from another person, from family, friends, nor from a boyfriend… it came from me. I started to learn that I can love myself, and this might sound up myself, but we have all heard the saying “You cannot love another until you love yourself”; well, I was discovering this love for myself.

Today my life is about love.  I am not perfect in that, even though I try. Today I have a beautiful partner and a beautiful child, our relationship is open and honest and we strive to communicate with each other all the time. Because of this we hardly argue or fight, and there is a deepening of appreciation for each other and what each of us offers to our relationship. This is because we have made the choice to choose love in our lives. It is so simple yet so powerful – don’t get me wrong, we still have our issues – but it’s the choice to talk about it, to express it openly and honestly with each other, and not let it fester into resentment of each other, that each day we appreciate each other more and more.

So once again I find myself in a place where I can crumble under the scrutiny of the media and a few members of society, or I can continue to choose love.

I will always continue to choose love.

I am a student learning to reimprint my life with love, and in the process I am discovering how amazingly beautiful life can be in all that I am and in all I that do, and in all the people I meet. I am learning to treat everyone equally and with love. As a student and a human being there are times when I am not loving, but I choose to get back up again and keep making that choice. I am by no means perfect, but I have the power to make choices and choose how I live my life.

281 thoughts on “Esoteric Student? It’s about a Commitment to Love

  1. There is a great value in seeing ourselves as a student of life for it allows us to be open to the learning in every interaction and experience we have in our day to day life.

  2. Kylie, I too am an esoteric student and have chosen to live my life in a loving way, and can honestly say that choosing this way has opened many door, relationships, revelations and opportunities for growth, that were mere pipe dreams prior to becoming a student.

  3. Choosing love, having this as the basis of your life changes everything, and even when you ‘muck’ up it’s that commitment to get back up again and choose love – that’s what I’ve learned that true love and commitment are, and each of us are capable of living and being in this way.

  4. Part of being a student is having the openness and willingness to learn and to never stop learning, and to know you’re not perfect but that’s ok, it’s about our ability to stand up after we fall down and instead of using it to beat ourselves up or further de-rail, we learn and grow stronger.

  5. The words ‘esoteric student’ may conjure up images for people based on the bastardisation and reinterpretation of the word esoteric. But if a group of people live in a way that is different, more self-loving, with loving relationships…this speaks for itself. Your way of living speaks for itself Kylie – and people who know you beyond the words ‘esoteric student’ will see this very clearly.

  6. When we allow love to be the foundation of our lives, life can change in a way we could never imagine is possible from our mind but that we knew is available to us from deep within because we all have lived this once before.

  7. When we love ourselves there is no yearning for another’s attention or love. It’s beautiful and nonimposing to be around someone who commits to what they know from inside and honours that.

  8. The simple statement choosing love could be seen at first glance to be almost trite… But here we have the opportunity to know, or start to know what love actually is, how it can be in every movement in every breath, and every glance, and then start to live this in every moment… Now this definitely needs to be sent and experienced.

  9. With the saying “up yourself” came the feeling of somehow being better than others, this was met with resentment of “who does she think she is”. This was the capping, the putting down, that pervaded parts of society I grew up in, a way to keep us separated from our divine essence and from each other.

  10. It is sad to consider we believe loving ourselves to be ‘up ourselves’. When did this start? perhaps it comes when we don’t like the reflection of people who do not have the insecurities we do. I wonder if there are other reasons but this one really goes some way to explain how some adults can want to break the natural confidence in children.

  11. Why should we make life about anything else than love, you might ask. The feeling of love inside yourself is the most gorgeous feeling which can always be accessed, it is always there. But we can become so disconnected from that love that we don’t know anymore how true love feels. And then we start chasing the exterior replacements, the loving partner, the great job, the entertainment, the beautiful house etc. All of this will never ever replace the thing we most want: the connection to love in our inner hearts.

  12. Those who commit themselves to living a loving life also commit themselves to exposing and being honest about all that which does not belong to such a life, to learning to see beyond the facades and to make life about energy first and foremost. Those who commit themselves to being an esoteric student commit themselves to being part of the whole, to let go of individuality and are willing to be seen living a life that is going against the grain. They are taking responsibility for themselves, their quality, their health and their well being. In all their imperfections there is no fault in that and so one would be wise to discern the source of any attack or critique.

  13. Yes love has to always come from inside yourself, no one and no-thing can give it to you, no matter how loving and caring they are. There will always be an unsettled feeling as long as we don’t realise we are it, and have the greatest love ever to express towards ourselves and in that to all others.

  14. Kylie thank you, I have really enjoyed reading this. The esoteric is really simple, living from our inner-most heart and the love that we naturally are in essence, as as you say, reimprinting life with that love. Regardless of what comes our way all we can really do is keep choosing to be and express the love we naturally are.

  15. Perfection is so overrated! The commitment to make life about love and to re-discover what that means is what gives life meaning for me “Being an esoteric student means that there is a commitment with yourself, not with any person or organisation, but with yourself.” I know that my commitment to working hard and in service is where it is because of this commitment to love so walking away from that is not an option.

  16. “Being an esoteric student means that there is a commitment with yourself, not with any person or organisation, but with yourself. It is a commitment to build a life based on love” – this is so simple and as-a-matter-of-fact-ly powerful, and it is very inspiring to feel your commitment as a student oozing from every word here you present. Thank you, Kylie.

  17. When we get attacked or criticized its can be easy to withdraw. My hat goes off to you Kylie for continuing with your commitment to living a life all about love.

  18. Attacks often lead to justifying. When you justify you are in the game of the attacker. You get where the other want you to be. Through movement, you try to convince the world that you also are like them or one of them (hence you are not the weirdo they say you are). In those moments, we tend to forget that being one of them does not require moving like them since they are also one of us even if they refuse to move like we do because if they do they will realize that there is not us and them. This is what is behind the attacks and that is why justification does not do really any good to anyone but only help to keep the status quo.

  19. Being an esoteric student is nothing to be ashamed of, there have been students of the esoteric for thousands and thousands of years and all of them have been learning that love is not something you find out there but indeed that it is inside everyone of us. An esoteric student is simply someone who is committed to living this love inside them and reflecting what is possible when we do.

    1. Yes agreed, it is nothing to be ashamed of and actually those who say it is have potentially not understood what it feels like in your body but have fallen for the distraction of what we have been told it is from the head.

  20. Good on you Kylie!! I’ve recently been faced with a situation where I had a freak out about being an esoteric student. It took to talking with a couple of friends to remind me that it’s ridiculous to be afraid of expressing the fact that all that means is that I’m a student of my own life that involves accepting responsibility for my choices and having bucket loads of integrity. I mean seriously…has the media not achieved it’s goal and planting seeds of doubt in us? Yes! But, it only takes to connect with others truly to be reminded that nothing out of the ordinary is going on here!

  21. I too have committed to making my life about living my inner most self. I am a forever student of the esoteric and am eternally grateful that I made this choice. Living my love is not a selfish thing, it has actually opened me to again feel the depth of love that I have for others. The warmth and grace of the love I feel is never imposing or needy, it is beholding and divinely supportive, equally for myself and everyone else.

    1. That is absolutely true for me too Leigh, self love has allowed me to have more love to express to others. True self love is not selfish it’s in fact very much for the all.

  22. Choosing a life of love is choosing a life of truth. In this choice we are choosing to return to all that we are, and walk a life that is free of all that is not. To do this we need to become a student of life so to observe and feel once again what is truth and what is not.

  23. It’s the getting back up part that’s key, we’re perfect and a commitment to love is not about that, but about committing to making life about love and when we fall over with that, which we will, we continue and make our next move about love. That’s one of the most important things I’ve learned and am still learning being an esoteric student, a student of my own innermost.

  24. Good on you Kylie. The word esoteric is very misunderstood and as a result creates a mystery that can be exploited. From my experience, the esoteric has to be felt in the body, it is a study of our inner most and develops a deep connection with the One we are all from.

  25. Learning to treat everyone equally includes ourselves so as we open our heart to love others we equally have to open our heart to love ourselves. A beautiful and loving antidote to comparison, competition and jealousy.

  26. What I find funny about human life is that there is a part of us that loves being an individual but at the same time, we don’t like to be seen as too different from others so we still have that sense of belonging. Quite contradictory isn’t it.

  27. Being an esoteric student is a pretty awesome thing and a great start to re-connecting with what is true within all the falsity in this world. To study ourselves and our relationship with love is very interesting indeed and can reveal a lot about what is going on with ourselves and others and therefore it can bring great understanding into our lives.

  28. Before I encountered Universal Medicine being a student for me usually meant having someone above me who I might totally despise yet had to show my respect as my teacher – I used to have a huge problem with that. Being an esoteric student is very different – I guess, a simple choice to live by the inner-most qualifies that. There’s nothing to achieve, no goal banner hanging in distance. It makes me very appreciative and humble. Yes, we are imperfect and we keep making mistakes, and we keep getting back up – as this love never leaves us.

  29. Being an active student of life and myself is very humbling and allows space to understand the coinciding relationships between everything. Seeing life as an unfolding response to our choices means that each situation, each moment is an opportunity to learn, grow and deepen in what I know about myself and life.

  30. “I am learning to treat everyone equally and with love. As a student and a human being there are times when I am not loving, but I choose to get back up again and keep making that choice. I am by no means perfect, but I have the power to make choices and choose how I live my life.” I love this Kylie, a simple dedication to live life as lovingly as we can, to the best of our ability, and always being open to learn more and more.

  31. I like this definition of an esoteric student – someone who is committed to forever keep learning how to return to way of living that has love and the impulses of the inner heart as its compass. By this definition I also would call myself a student of the esoteric.

  32. A commitment to build a life based on love is life worth aspiring to, the media can attack and say what they do, but they cannot take this choice away from us or the absolute beauty that comes from it.

  33. Thank you Kylie for sharing your loving relationship with yourself and family, Without perfection there is always the choice to choose love again when we step away from the love that we innately are. Love is only a breath away.

  34. A very beautiful sharing Kylie. Ultimately it comes down to that decision, to choose love or not. And it’s always there to be chosen – love.

  35. It’s crazy and destructive when we go looking for love in all the wrong places, and it’s not just a women thing either, as guys do this also – hooking up with anyone for a one night stand. But what you have described Kylie puts an end to the searching and putting ourselves into unhealthy situations, and it is all so simple.

    1. It is simple but first we have to love ourselves enough to stop the destructive behaviours, to realise that we are very precious and valuable. It is often our lack of self worth that is behind the harmful choices we make.

  36. Committing to being an ‘esoteric student’ means nothing more than committing to being true to your true-self. Finding what that is, is pretty easy for most but learning to hold it in life is the trickier part. The commitment to doing so, to constantly getting back up and continuing on, learning from mistakes etc is the hard work part.

    1. Yes I really appreciate what you and Kylie share here Jenny, it is about getting back up and working at it again. Unpeeling the layers of not being true to our true selves. That should be championed by us and thankfully, the fact we dogedly get back up will encourage others to do the same.

    2. ..and also the most amazing part. Every time I make a mistake and I learn from it, I understand more about myself and others. And even when I don’t learn, and keep making the same mistakes, I still can’t avoid the learning that I get from the consequences.

      1. Yes a beautiful thing when you look at the bigger picture, a safe-guard really, ensuring we never stop having the opportunity to learn. Not always so beautiful when we’re doggedly refusing to learn it and the same ‘lesson’ keeps coming around… but once learnt, there’s no mistaking the joy in evolving beyond it.

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