Perfectly Imperfect

 by Joel L, Australia

I was reading the blog by Otto Bathurst (I’m just an Ordinary Man) and was blown away by the recognition that at some level I still want the world to see how great the esoteric is and how much better life can be with it. This desire for others ‘to get it’ leads to painting a sometimes overly ‘perfect picture’ of the esoteric.

Truth is, the esoteric is perfect – it’s just everything else that can suck.

The esoteric, that ‘inner-most’ place within all of us, is a place of deep stillness, love and joy. Every time I make the choice to connect to this place within myself, it is there – steady, ready and available. I have heard this same experience from people who were raised in different religions to me, grew up in different countries, are a different gender, from a different socio-economic background, have a different type of education or vocation… it seems the esoteric does not make a distinction.

Living life through that connection to myself means that while I still have to deal with everything life throws at me (and the stuff I create), ‘the spin’ (emotion, stress, etc) is not there with it. Of course, every time I make the choice to NOT connect to this place, all the pressure, stress, emotions are there waiting for me.

Knowing this choice, I now know there is a part of me that won’t let go of a thought, or even dwells on it and makes it bigger. That part of me feeds off the emotion and even defends that emotion. In essence, there is part of me committed to NOT being joyful.

I would like to say that all I need to do is shut my eyes and ‘be with me’ and it’s all perfect, but the truth is different. When I let myself get swept up in the spin and then say ‘it’s enough’ and do what I know I need to do to ‘reconnect to me’, very little happens. This is not because the esoteric is not true, but because I have walked further away from myself than I would care to admit. It’s a bit like deciding you want the house to be clean and then expecting it to miraculously clean itself, without realising you need to go through every room and dust every shelf.

Just because the esoteric doesn’t discriminate and is available to all equally, doesn’t mean there are no consequences from not making that choice. I made the bed, now I have to lie in it, until I choose to make it a different way.

The true gift the esoteric work has given me is the awareness of the FACT that I have a choice. This empowerment does not come from someone else (although learning from others can be inspiring), the empowerment comes from my understanding that the choice I just made will make my next choice easier or harder.

The bewildering thing is observing and getting more familiar with that part of me that has some form of commitment to hardship, pain and suffering.

How can we have this duality within us, and why would we choose suffering over joy? Where does that come from?

249 thoughts on “Perfectly Imperfect

  1. The empowerment of knowing that we have a choice in every moment is a true blessing. So choosing our choices wisely and in connection with our inner heart is a great support as we travel on our life’s path.

  2. Building our awareness opens up our ability to feel more within us and around us knowing we have a choice to deepen our connection with ourselves and others or to separate further away.

  3. Whenever I go into the need for another to see that being an Esoteric student is the way I have lost myself. The only way then is to bring myself back to me and to live my life from love with an understanding and allowing of another to make their own choices no matter how uncomfortable this may be. My responsibility is to be and live love.

  4. I find it amazing how easy it is to live when I let myself just be, without trying to be perfect. The other day I had a moment where I said the wrong word and had a laugh about it and I was blushing a bit but it was actually very freeing not having to own or control the situation.

  5. With the esoteric is opportunities for so much learning… the ‘why’ becomes clear every time I stop and reconnect, the clarity is there in an instant. I was just talking about this with a friend this week how addicted I’ve been to emotions and drama, and how much that affects my whole life, my body and everyone around me. It’s amazing how that all dissipates when I’m connected and the need or want to create issues are nowhere to be found, and life becomes more about what I am reflecting out that will either inspire another or confirm more of the same.

  6. The quick fix by just shutting our eyes to come back to ourselves is like men and driving (pre-Satnav days) by the time we stopped and asked for directions we were well and truly lost.

  7. This for me is why we sometimes seem to not notice when we drop our energy, because each choice affects the next one and we can easily fall into a downward spiral if we do not take care with each and every moments choice.

  8. I have found that re- connection back to me is a series of steps and not just some magical place that I go to instantly. The steps are the way I have been living up to that point, not perfectly but with an awareness of how consistency assists in this loving re-connection back to me.

  9. I really love the feeling of when I make really empowered choices, say, to express what I actually feel rather than just being in the nice, polite way I have often been in, and to feel the sense that by constantly renewing my foundation with truth, I deepen it.

  10. When you consider the word esoteric means innermost and then you open your eyes up and look around the messy and dysfunctional outer world we have created, it is more than logical as a whole humanity to wake up to the fact that we need to stop investing in that outer mess because it is quite obviously not working for us, and re-connect to the honesty and purity of our innermost. What have we got to lose?

  11. So simple and yet truly powerful when we make the choice to connect – ‘The esoteric, that ‘inner-most’ place within all of us, is a place of deep stillness, love and joy.’

  12. We are not our circumstances – but we most certainly are our choices. The responsibility in every choice is huge and paves the way for the choices there after. Having the awareness to know we can choose differently and change the direction of that path is invaluable.

  13. What is brilliant about choice is that we can make a new choice to move in a different way in any given moment. From this new movement we can change the calibration of our connection to our bodies and the way in which we live everyday.

  14. I loved this analogy of how we expect reconnecting back to the innermost to unrealistically be. . . ” It’s a bit like deciding you want the house to be clean and then expecting it to miraculously clean itself, without realising you need to go through every room and dust every shelf.” . . . yes so very true.

    1. I agree so much here. We have the tendency to look at the world and what is going on and say, Oh what a pity, I wish it would be different. But who is who will bring the change? We have much more power than we are choose to be aware of. Time to claim our power and take responsibility about it again.Time to learn to live integer.

  15. That’s the amazing empowerment and responsibility the esoteric offers us ‘The true gift the esoteric work has given me is the awareness of the FACT that I have a choice.’ … we do indeed always have a choice and to know that each choice we make either makes our next choice easier or harder is a great way of framing it, and we learn from those choices. It’s always us, our choices and the consequences of those choices but not in any of this are we victims; we choose and so in fact we can always choose differently or the same. It comes back to us.

  16. and it is that place of the extraordinary ordinary stillness that is the font from which we can quench the seemingly unquenchable thirst that drives humanity… How perfect it is that stillness is the quality of nurturing that we all absolutely need.

  17. Joel your words ‘The true gift the esoteric work has given me is the awareness of the FACT that I have a choice.’ I remember when I used to think the world was just the way it was, making the most of life, to discover that we have choices, and making more self-loving choices changes everything.

  18. Good question “why would we choose suffering over joy?” And we do so every day, every second we do not feel joyful we have chosen so. What comes with the suffering is individuality and the illusion of creation on our own. Joy is always the confirmation of a divine quality. So it is not ourselves who created something but a surrendering to what is there (from God) already. There is no individuality in it. Nothing to identify with. In the suffering we can imagine a ‘better world’ where we would be happy and then we try to reach this picture (we created), we make a plan. When we reached the point, the picture, we see after a while that it is not perfect at all and so we found us suffering again and the circle starts again. The other way is to surrender to THE PLAN and give up on ownership. And that’s big, a really BIG thing for us.

    1. Amazing comment Sandra. You have hit the nail on the head – while we continue to hold on to our individuality, we cannot feel the joy, the confirmation, that we are absolutely enough being ourselves, so we continue to look for it in endeavours that take us further into individuality so we can get some kind of recognition and therefore a bastardised version of confirmation which tells us we are ok.

  19. “there is part of me committed to NOT being joyful.” How important it is to recognise this and be absolutely honest with ourselves about it. It’s really uncomfortable to feel – squirmingly so, but in letting myself feel it I can now bring the level of commitment I have for the struggle of life, to the flow and love that comes with living from connection to ourselves – warts and all.

  20. Like that picture: “It’s a bit like deciding you want the house to be clean and then expecting it to miraculously clean itself, without realising you need to go through every room and dust every shelf.” So it is that simple: just start on one point to clean up. And then go on.

  21. It’s making more and more sense to me that all we have are our choices. This ultimately decides how we perceive and engage with life. It also makes sense to me that this is why choices are attacked, in my case, the choice to be aware or not. After this choice is made, there are many other choices that follow and cascade to maintain this initial choice, until I choose differently.

  22. I was out walking this morning and I could feel the sadness arising from within making me teary. I have been feeling rather rattled since yesterday. As I walked I knew the sadness was what I created and could potentially indulge in, and I had a choice to just stay in my observance and move back into what I knew to be true in my body – but somehow I felt the falseness of that shift, like ‘All will be good once I make that choice to connect back with me’. I am still learning to be with myself while allowing the rawness and vulnerability of being a human being.

    1. Beautiful Fumiyo, that there is no magic switch but a realness and a willingness to take the steps needed each and every moment and to feel how they are, and adjust and allow the space for us to just feel and for it to be often messy and uncomfortable, to be as it is.

  23. There are so many concepts around about how things should be and so many we have taken on often consciously but mostly unconsiously, and a big one is we think we’re in charge and that we think when in fact really we don’t we choose to align to an energy, either love or not love and when we’ve chosen that not love we are ‘In essence, there is part of me committed to NOT being joyful….” and in my experience it happens often before I’m aware, and suddenly I’m off down a track that is in fact harming me, and when I catch myself later, I wonder what on earth happened there, and I track back and find somewhere along the way I let my presence slide, I didn’t want to stay fully aware and next thing I know I’m gone. I’m learning to come back each time and re-choose, and yes there is an ouch here, as it’s not an instant thing I have to build back, and feel and see where my choices have taken me and the impact they’ve had without judgment.

  24. The Esoteric is no ‘airy-fairy’, impracticable or unrealistic Utopia but down-to-earth, nitty-gritty living in Truth.

    1. This is very good to clear! True esoteric is not a spiritual, withdrawn way of being, but a very ‘down-to-earth’ way of living. It is very real and bodily. Our innermost (what it is that ‘esoteric’ means) is how we are in truth. It is related to all of us, it means be careful with ourselves as with others, contains the understanding of life, its connections and it means to work together as a one unified community world wide. We are here to learn to live in harmony with each other and the planet – not to leave it before we do.

  25. “The true gift the esoteric work has given me is the awareness of the FACT that I have a choice.” This is true for everyone, whether they accept it not, and that choice, if accepted, is true freedom and self-empowerment.

  26. As odd and contradictory it may occur but this ‘part’ in us that feeds off emotions and even misery, ie. being stimulated and identified by it is running the show most of the time while at the same time claiming that it wants to change things for the better in one way or another. We see it in our personal lives as well as on the worldwide political stage. This raises some very relevant and pressing questions on which part of us is in charge of making choices and what´s the agenda behind it?

  27. We indeed need to dust every shelf in every room of our life as it is us who have created the dust that has then clouded the shine. It is not that the shine ever disappears or lessens, but we need to cherish it for it to be alive and real in our lives.

  28. One of the greatest and most empowering things I have learnt and come to realise over the years of being a student of The Ageless Wisdom Teachings is that our awareness, our willingness to feel the truth comes from our connection to our essence within. An awareness that has no end to the depth and expanse that we can explore this. As from here we are forever guided to know what is or what is not of love and as such guided to live in a way that honors the truth of who we are within, all of us equally so.

  29. “Life was not meant to be easy, life is a struggle in this dog eat dog world”. These are sayings that have had an enormous effect on how we have perceive life. These are habits of thought and ways of being that are so far from the truth of who we truly are and the love we can connect to and live with harmony and joy, becoming aware of these truths opens the door for us to discard the what is not us.

  30. If ever I am feeling not myself, miserable in the midst of suffering, I want everyone else to solve my problems. At that point I don’t see that all of my choices prior have lead me to that point, so I have chosen to be miserable and in the midst of suffering…but why? Why would I do that when every fibre in my being knows that that is not true, nor who I am. I get something out of it. When I don’t get the response that I am looking for though, what I do get to see is the refection of what I have chosen…Ouch…But at the same time this is great because from there I can make another series of choices that have a very different outcome. PS I like the house cleaning analogy, certainly rings home for me. Ouch again.

  31. Although it would seem glaringly obvious that we make choices that are responsible for the life we end up with, too often we move through life somewhat oblivious to the power or impact of those choices. To be awakened to this is one of the greatest gifts for with the empowerment that comes with this, we can take responsibility and live and embrace the life we want, no longer at the mercy of being the victim of movements that we in fact can control.

    1. Great point Samantha, and well said. How often do we blame God, blame our parents, partners, children, boss or the bus driver for our ‘circumstances’? I’d say, most of the time. The fact that we are continually making choices that create our reality is common sense – but that common sense is ignored a lot of the time.

  32. I love your sharing of “Perfectly Imperfect” and the reminder to not pressure others to taste the amazing changes that the Esoteric can bring, but allow everyone to come to their journey in their own time and in their own way. Thank you Joel.

  33. Great point you make here Joel and a fascinating question as well – we all know love and truth and joy and we know deep down that it is our natural way, however there is also an aspect of us that is addicted to self-abuse and avoiding joy, for otherwise we would be joyful all the time. The game changer for me also was understanding that I do in fact have a choice which aspect I let govern any moment and that how my life plays out after that choice is not mere chance or bad luck but a direct consequence of these choices.

  34. As human spirits we get identified with suffering – it makes us feel a sense of self and holds us to an idea of who we are – it’s familiar and considered normal because most people are in fact choosing to suffer, struggle and exist through life. Being open to change that, to be aware of energy and ourselves being connected to everyone means that that identification slowly dissolves and we are left feeling the responsibility that EVERY choice effects EVERYONE.

  35. We are so used to the quick fix, that when we do decide to connect we want it all to feel great instantly, but as you say, if we have spent day/weeks in turmoil, its going to take a while to establish a new rhythm which requires commitment and consistency.

  36. I have found that an attachment to struggle and hardship comes from the need for recognition based on achievements and from an emptiness that otherwise doesn’t know what to talk about and therefore resorts to creating a drama of some kind.

  37. Our choice to give into that part of us that loves the drama and emotions of human life while stubbornly refusing to feel the joy that is also on offer is definitely our downfall.

  38. “The esoteric, that ‘inner-most’ place within all of us, is a place of deep stillness, love and joy.” And yet we choose to ignore it so often but it is always there when we choose to return.

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