by Jinya, 36 year-old male, UK
In the world that we have created there are many ideals at work. One in particular that we all know is the one of finding ‘true love’ or the ‘love of my life’. It is the focus of most songs, books and films. It’s the thing we have always been told to strive for – to look for that someone ‘out there’ for each and every person. We’ve been told that we’ll need it for sure if we want to be happy. And of course, ‘happiness’ is another huge ideal that we have been sold.
It is so powerful and so embedded in our psyche that any suggestion otherwise would seem preposterous. Imagine being told when you are little that you have to find the one person in the 7 billion people in the world who is going to love you in a way that no-one else can. Imagine being that child and possibly feeling confused by the fact that no-one tells you how you will meet this person. It’s shrouded in all the words we like to use, like ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’, to excuse the continuous feeding of a false ideal that we have bought into, that we are inevitably hurt by, and that we know deep inside does not work for us (as no-one can bring us the love that we yearn for – only we can do this for ourselves).
I’m not saying any of this out of cynicism, but out of the joy of actually finding love in the last place that I looked. You see, I have been a very romantically inclined guy. I thought I fell in love with many women. I bought them flowers, wrote cheesy poems, spent money on lavish presents and romantic weekends – all in the name of trying to secure the ever-ephemeral happy lifestyle that we are told is possible if we attain ‘the one’. I don’t mean to advertise but I have been single for long enough to get my virginity back… this has been an awesome process! Not only to have had the time to truly reflect on the way that I am and have been in relationships, but also because during this time I met ‘the one’.
Sounding contradictory? Yes, I know… well, the thing is… one day when I was having a shower I realised something. I was thinking about this whole ideal of ‘the love of your life’ and how it is so misleading, because if there is no-one in your life that sees you in this way, one can easily feel alone, separate, and/or rejected. Imagine being a little boy or girl being told about ‘the one’, then growing up having invested so much with no sign of this dream lover coming along. This person is going to feel terrible, and so to numb the pain – chocolate? alcohol? recreational and prescribed drugs for anyone? This is the game we play. Or is it the game that plays us? Both I feel are true.
So yes, back to the shower… I was reflecting on the fact that until that moment I too had been giving my power away to this ideal. Because it was at that moment that I realised – I am the love of my life. There is no-one to look for and find. I am already complete. Since the day that I met myself in this very tender and precious way, my life has been changing significantly and I can feel more changes will unfold. The main thing that I feel now is a stronger, tangible sense of my innermost self… and it’s a beautiful start. This has given me greater understanding of myself and of humanity. The false ideal has been sold to us with the serious consequence being that we ignore and forsake the vast love that already dwells within each and every one of us without exception. Instead we invest all our time and energy in a mirage on the outer that is simply not true. Time’s up for this mirage because true ‘true love’ has come to town.
Yes, there are people who do claim to have found ‘the one’ and are happily cohabiting, but what happens when that person leaves them? Could it be that they then feel the lack of self-love that was being numbed, and that is what we call ‘heartache’? That is what all the sad love songs are actually about. What we hear is, “Youuu left meee ooh ooh aah aah…” The real story is that we left ourselves a long time ago. There is a lot of money to be made in the heartache industry. Why? Because we’ve all fallen for the false ideal of finding love in ‘someone or something’ and it is set up for us to fail – as no-one and nothing can truly connect us to the love we are, only we can do this for ourselves.
Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough; you are already great no matter who you meet or don’t meet. I know now that regardless of having a partner or not, I will not love myself any less. I also know that the love in a relationship is the love that I choose to bring by living that love in whatever I am doing, whether it’s mowing the lawn or making love (not at the same time, obviously). It will not be something that I impose on another out of wanting something similar back from that person. I also know that the potential is there to have a deeply loving relationship with anyone. After all, we all have the required apparatus that is the inner-heart.
Once you meet the true love of your life, there is no going back to the old way of being. It would hurt too much. If every person in the world were to fully realise the love that is actually inside them, there would not be another argument… let alone a war. Our world would be a very different place.