Hello, is it me I’m looking for…?

by Jinya, 36 year-old male, UK

In the world that we have created there are many ideals at work. One in particular that we all know is the one of finding ‘true love’ or the ‘love of my life’. It is the focus of most songs, books and films. It’s the thing we have always been told to strive for – to look for that someone ‘out there’ for each and every person. We’ve been told that we’ll need it for sure if we want to be happy. And of course, ‘happiness’ is another huge ideal that we have been sold.

It is so powerful and so embedded in our psyche that any suggestion otherwise would seem preposterous. Imagine being told when you are little that you have to find the one person in the 7 billion people in the world who is going to love you in a way that no-one else can. Imagine being that child and possibly feeling confused by the fact that no-one tells you how you will meet this person. It’s shrouded in all the words we like to use, like ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’, to excuse the continuous feeding of a false ideal that we have bought into, that we are inevitably hurt by, and that we know deep inside does not work for us (as no-one can bring us the love that we yearn for – only we can do this for ourselves).

I’m not saying any of this out of cynicism, but out of the joy of actually finding love in the last place that I looked. You see, I have been a very romantically inclined guy. I thought I fell in love with many women. I bought them flowers, wrote cheesy poems, spent money on lavish presents and romantic weekends – all in the name of trying to secure the ever-ephemeral happy lifestyle that we are told is possible if we attain ‘the one’. I don’t mean to advertise but I have been single for long enough to get my virginity back… this has been an awesome process! Not only to have had the time to truly reflect on the way that I am and have been in relationships, but also because during this time I met ‘the one’.

Sounding contradictory? Yes, I know… well, the thing is… one day when I was having a shower I realised something. I was thinking about this whole ideal of ‘the love of your life’ and how it is so misleading, because if there is no-one in your life that sees you in this way, one can easily feel alone, separate, and/or rejected.  Imagine being a little boy or girl being told about ‘the one’, then growing up having invested so much with no sign of this dream lover coming along. This person is going to feel terrible, and so to numb the pain – chocolate? alcohol? recreational and prescribed drugs for anyone? This is the game we play. Or is it the game that plays us? Both I feel are true.

So yes, back to the shower… I was reflecting on the fact that until that moment I too had been giving my power away to this ideal. Because it was at that moment that I realised – I am the love of my life.  There is no-one to look for and find. I am already complete. Since the day that I met myself in this very tender and precious way, my life has been changing significantly and I can feel more changes will unfold. The main thing that I feel now is a stronger, tangible sense of my innermost self… and it’s a beautiful start. This has given me greater understanding of myself and of humanity. The false ideal has been sold to us with the serious consequence being that we ignore and forsake the vast love that already dwells within each and every one of us without exception. Instead we invest all our time and energy in a mirage on the outer that is simply not true. Time’s up for this mirage because true ‘true love’ has come to town.

Yes, there are people who do claim to have found ‘the one’ and are happily cohabiting, but what happens when that person leaves them? Could it be that they then feel the lack of self-love that was being numbed, and that is what we call ‘heartache’? That is what all the sad love songs are actually about. What we hear is, “Youuu left meee ooh ooh aah aah…” The real story is that we left ourselves a long time ago. There is a lot of money to be made in the heartache industry. Why? Because we’ve all fallen for the false ideal of finding love in ‘someone or something’ and it is set up for us to fail – as no-one and nothing can truly connect us to the love we are, only we can do this for ourselves.

Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough; you are already great no matter who you meet or don’t meet. I know now that regardless of having a partner or not, I will not love myself any less. I also know that the love in a relationship is the love that I choose to bring by living that love in whatever I am doing, whether it’s mowing the lawn or making love (not at the same time, obviously). It will not be something that I impose on another out of wanting something similar back from that person. I also know that the potential is there to have a deeply loving relationship with anyone. After all, we all have the required apparatus that is the inner-heart.

Once you meet the true love of your life, there is no going back to the old way of being. It would hurt too much. If every person in the world were to fully realise the love that is actually inside them, there would not be another argument… let alone a war. Our world would be a very different place.

226 thoughts on “Hello, is it me I’m looking for…?

  1. “Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough; you are already great no matter who you meet or don’t meet.” If this were taught to us from very young all the world would look very different.

  2. I totally agree Jinya, we are the love of our own lives, and it is our responsibility to claim this in full, as nobody else can do this for us. Whatever our past experiences in life or whatever our age, Divine love is our birthright and is always present for us to connect with, and express from.

  3. The realisation that like you Jinya I too ‘am the love of my life’ requires no distracting mirage, fantasy or illusion, just me. How simple is that.

  4. Jinya,
    A powerful piece of writting that completely exposes humanity’s constant need for another which leaves all in a state of doubt, confusion and control. Too true, “Once you meet the true love of your life, there is no going back.”

  5. “Once you meet the true love of your life, there is no going back to the old way of being. It would hurt too much. If every person in the world were to fully realise the love that is actually inside them, there would not be another argument… let alone a war. Our world would be a very different place.”

    Yes, our world would be very different if all relationships between partners, friends, families, work colleagues and countries came from love for self and service for humanity first. So our responsibility to be ourselves in this way and bring this to all relationships deepens and this is how we change the world.

  6. Falling in love with ourselves gives us an unshakeable foundation to go out into the world and love others and turn the world around. Building a true relationship with myself where I appreciate all I have to offer not just to myself but also others has transformed my neediness of recognition from others and allowed me to form more intimate relationships. Being dependent on others for my self-worth I previously felt unable to reveal my true self in case I was rejected thus setting myself up for failure, working on my relationship with myself allows more space for other relationships to evolve without an agenda.

    1. Great point Helen that we hold back ‘just in case’ we are rejected – instead of just going for it and allowing ourselves to be seen, no matter what the outcome or the reaction. When we start to develop this inner foundation, what happens on the outside starts to matter less. Not in a way where we care less, but in a way where we actually allow ourselves to see and feel more, because we’re less attached to needing it to be a certain way for us.

  7. I so agree as to what a different world it would be if we were raised to know that we were the most important person to love first and foremost, with not a fairy tale and the illusion of happily ever after in sight. The thought of all of humanity walking around in love with themselves makes me smile from the inside out.

  8. Just gorgeous to revisit this blog. “The real story is that we left ourselves a long time ago. There is a lot of money to be made in the heartache industry. Why? Because we’ve all fallen for the false ideal of finding love in ‘someone or something’ and it is set up for us to fail – as no-one and nothing can truly connect us to the love we are, only we can do this for ourselves” – such a great exposé on the extent in which we go to in order to avoid our responsibility.

  9. Very empowering to know that the love we bring to others is a love we must have for ourselves. It makes every relationship steadier in that we are not longing for something from another as we can already give ourselves everything we need in terms of how we feel about ourself, and from there the relationships we do form have the capacity for so much more to unfold within them.

  10. Very heart warming reading your piece Jinya – imagine if this knowing was entertained a bit more, knowing that what we yearn for is already there, in us, beside us, and all around us (sounds like a love song in the making). Life would be much more fun and from a psychological perspective, mental health would be approached in a completely different way. Instead of trying to find coping mechanism all we need to do is accept the fact that we are lovely beings and have been all along.

  11. “The real story is that we left ourselves a long time ago.” Absolutely! Searching for love is nothing but a game – it is like we are all blindfolded and playing Pin the tail on LOVE.

  12. Awesome Jinya, and a really humorous read as well. I love how you expose the extent of the illusions we have bought into, about finding the one. When in Truth when you are your own love of your life you can share that with anyone, and a partner is really just “A One” that we choose to walk alongside and share it all with. It’s just a choice to be all that we are with anyone and everyone that we are learning to make.

  13. Gorgeous, Jinya. I totally believed in the ‘one’. I did suffer doubts that the ‘one’ would find me, I did worry about the odds, I did worry that I was an ugly duckling but there were so many movies addressing that very fear that the flame of hope maintained a flicker, even in the darkest of hours … now I Know that I am ‘the one’, and life is far more simple and joyful – I can get on with truly loving and caring for me, and relating to others with my All instead of being self-absorbed and worrying if they will like me.

  14. Love it Jinya. Cultivating our love for ourselves, that it may be this that meets all others in our life – whether in a committed, intimate relationship, or anyone we come in contact with and interact with in our day.

  15. For the state of relationships in our societies, and the state of ‘love songs’, ‘heartbreak’ and ‘heart-ache’ songs… thank-you Jinya for drawing our attention to the fact that we are bombarded with false notions of ‘love’ from very, very young.
    To seek someone to fill what is unrequited within ourselves – i.e. within our own relationship with ourselves – is not the answer. Most likely we will draw someone to us that appears at the outset to have everything we may be longing for (if the longing is there…), yet the tension of what remains unrequited within the self remains, and it will most likely surface in time. As will the full picture of the person we have drawn to ourselves – and so we all have the opportunity to learn, and learn greatly…
    Am totally with you in that our relationship with self is the first and foremost foundation upon which all other relationships are built. Inclusive of course in our ‘relationship with self’, there being a sense of our own essence, the clear, magnificent and unshakeable part of us that knows such truths to be the foundation of a life truly lived. We are, each and every one of us, to be treasured, and treasured deeply…

  16. A great example of the of the true simplicity of love can be seen through the eyes and wisdom of a small child. When you observe them expressing in that full childlike exuberant way you realise they don’t and aren’t saving themselves for one person, they feel the same quality and potential of love for everyone. We can learn a lot from children.

  17. Thank you Jinya! I would definitely say the answer to your question is yes, “it is you, you are looking for “. When we can feel the love within and value ourselves first then we will see clearly the wonderful truth that we are indeed the one. From this point on we can love others without expectations knowing we are all we need.

  18. Beautifully expressed Jinya and I absolutely agree when you say the world would be a different place if we all connected to the deep love we truly are. How powerful if one by one we begin to live this truth everyday, our reflection would be very inspiring and also support others to connect to and value the deep love we all are.

  19. What a realisation! This story is news worthy as it totally blows relationships out of the water and calls for some very real and honesty reflection in our obsessive search for love. To quote the words of Rachel Kane ‘My love, you were right here all along..’

  20. This is really such an important message…. “Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough;” ….And yes imagine if we were all really brought up understanding this…. What a different world there would be… no one would be imposing anything on anyone … Phew!!

  21. “Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough; you are already great no matter who you meet or don’t meet. I know now that regardless of having a partner or not, I will not love myself any less.” Once we know this it is our responsibility to live our love to the full and be an inspiration to others to choose likewise.

  22. Great blog Jinya, light, playful and humorous while imparting a powerful truth. I love it. . . . “Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough” . . . we are never too old to realise this even if we weren’t told it when we were little..

  23. This is an eternal truth that we are love and come from love, no where else to look for love but within to our own love that completes us.

    1. Beautiful and simple point Jennifer – it’s true! The marker of love in our body is what then guides us through life. Anything less than that love and connection would feel glaringly obvious. There would be far less abusive and stagnated relationships in the world if more of us connected to this.

  24. Lionel Ritchie! What a beautiful, great and also humorous writing Jinya, loved it.
    How many songs have been written about finding the love of our life. The songs promote illusion and devastation at the same time. I also have met many loves of my life, and time after time I thrown myself fully in the relationship. These women have filled me up, literally I could feel their energy filling me. But how devastated, sick, lonely, isolated, angry and sad have I felt when the relationship broke up, especially when they left all of a sudden. Like a plaster being pulled off a wound. Then the emptiness surfaced, the lack of love I felt inside me, came through.
    So yes I am on the same path, where I have found the love inside myself. I know I have all the love inside me to feel complete and full. It does not mean I still don’t fall for the trap of wanting to fill the lack of love by something outside of me every now and then.

  25. If we were all told from when we are young that we are the love of our lives, that we are enough as we are and that we are great whether we meet a partner or not, the world would not be dominated by the clear or subliminal messages that we need to seek to find love or wait for our prince to arrive… we would not suffer in loneliness or be pitied when single. Above all else we would embrace and emanate the love we are. The world would be a vastly different place… so the question is why do we not do this and instead fall and settle for what we have allowed to be the norm?

  26. This is great, thank you – we have generally swallowed the myth about ‘the one true love’ hook, line and sinker and it is choking us. We throw up and then we go back for more, another round of finding ‘the one true love’. And all the while, the true love resides within, patiently waiting for us to wake up to it.

  27. The common tolerating relationship would look very different if the fact that we are love before we are anything else was known. Different in the sense of there being space to grow and evolve together without being dragged down by need, expectations, reactions and conditions as all those attribute stem from wanting something out of the relationship that you don’t already have.

  28. “Imagine being told when you were little that you are the love of your life and that you are enough”. I can imagine how life would have unfolded so very differently than it did, and in a much more love-filled and joyful way. Every child needs to be told this over and over again – and then watch the world change!

  29. There is a lot of money to be made in the heartache industry. Why? Because we’ve all fallen for the false ideal of finding love in ‘someone or something’ that is sourced from outside ourselves and not from the purity and quality of love that lies within.

  30. “I also know that the love in a relationship is the love that I choose to bring by living that love in whatever I am doing, whether it’s mowing the lawn or making love (not at the same time, obviously).” The greatest love that I have known is living that love exactly as Jinya has expressed — through the movements of how I know love needs to be expressed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s