Marriage & Separation (Part 3): there ‘is’ a Different Way

by Angela Perin, Brisbane, QLD

I was at the beauty therapist’s the other day. I had my eyes closed so I couldn’t see the therapist’s face, but could feel that she was a little surprised (or perhaps confused) when I mentioned that I had been to the movies with my ex. The therapist knew I had recently separated and simply asked ‘Do you guys still hang out…?’ Because it felt perfectly normal to me (we still work together and see each other every day), I didn’t realise until afterwards that this is not the norm, and hence why it had so obviously puzzled the therapist.

My ex and I have been married for nearly 22 years, and our separation 4 months ago was mutual. It came out of an honest admission that our relationship had never been based on ‘true’ love. The actual separation happened more lovingly and with more support than I believe either of us could have ever imagined possible in the past, especially considering the history of our relationship. There was no animosity, no financial tension, no blame and no judgment. Of course, there was (and is) sadness and hurt for both of us (and our children), and this is something we are all individually working on in our own way and timing, but it has not been the emotional, bitter experience that is evident in many separations.

My ex and I have worked together in our own business since we were first married, and when we first separated I personally felt that continuing to work together would only be a temporary arrangement until we could establish the practicalities of separating our financial and business assets. However, what we have experienced over the past few months has been beautifully surprising (and perhaps dare I say ‘amazing’) for us both. While it has not always been easy (we still have our hurts and issues to continue working on, some days more than others), I can feel a steadiness, harmony and solidity within our business relationship that has slowly begun to unfold. I feel the steady growing of our individual commitment to ourselves, and the growing and steady unfolding of a new respect and appreciation for each other that we did not have before.

This is not a connection that is about getting back together or reconciling our marriage, but a connection and commitment based on two people who have spent half a lifetime together and who are working on a different way to be in the relationship.

Our relationship is far from perfect, though no perfection is claimed nor aspired to. I cannot say how long we will continue to work together, however for now we are continuing to develop a new, more loving way to be in the relationship, with ourselves and with each other, and it is a beautiful healing experience for us both.

Although I have been a student of Universal Medicine for over 2 ½ years, I feel to point out that my ex is not an active student. The choices and changes he has made in his own life, are choices he has made, and truths he has connected to, as a result of what he has felt to be true and right for him. The more I have re-learnt to be less imposing and less judgmental and critical of his choices (my own included), and the more I have allowed him the grace to express himself for who he is, the more he reflects the beautiful, gentle man that he naturally is.

Both our families felt a lot of sadness when we separated, which is of course understandable. Interestingly enough however, both my ex and I felt free – not free as in being set free from a jail sentence (!), but a freedom to be honest and to be true to ourselves and our relationship. We both feel there is more ‘true’ love in our choice and in our relationship now, than was there previously. Although understandably difficult at time, and also sad, it truly has been a beautiful experience for us both – with more love and support for each other than either of us could have ever imagined.

Over the past 2+ years we have been re-learning to communicate with each other in a way that is more honest, open and loving, and we are having the opportunity to build a new ‘true’ foundation for our relationship, in whatever form that may currently be.

I am personally deeply grateful to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for opening me to the grace and support in re-learning to self-love, for presenting the opportunity to finally see myself as the beautiful, amazing woman I am, and to see my ex for the beautiful, gentle and amazing man that he naturally is. As a direct result, my ex and I are both experiencing that in regard to our marriage and separation, there is indeed a different and more truly loving way to be…

Part 1: Marriage & Separation (Part 1): Failure versus True Love
Part 2: Marriage & Separation (Part 2): Discovering True Love
Sequel: My Date with my Ex: Re-Imprinting with Love

289 thoughts on “Marriage & Separation (Part 3): there ‘is’ a Different Way

  1. “. . .there is more ‘true’ love in our choice and in our relationship now, than was there previously.” If we can free ourselves of an arrangement and let go of any blame we can start to build a new foundation of ‘true love’ in a relationship which then has no imposition or judgment.

  2. I personally have experienced a joyful break-up as odd as that sounds. Both my partner and I, at the time felt that the end of the relationship had arrived and unanimously we made the choice to go our separate ways. In that there was a real joy of a cycle completed and we went away on holiday for a week to share time together before parting. It felt simple, natural and ordinary. We kept in touch for a while, but even now although we haven’t communicated in a few years the love remains and I still feel “full” from the experience.

  3. That there is most definitely a more loving way to be, and to live, is one of the most simple and yet profoundly beautiful understandings that Universal Medicine continually presents

  4. Wowzzers. This is super inspiring and a profound lesson for so many of us. I feel that so many relationships stay together for the sake of it, for the sake of the children, for appearances sake, or for so many other false reasons that to read such a free, transparent and equal approach to what a relationship can be, rather than what it should be, is very healing for us all.

  5. I remember very clearly the moment, a couple of years ago, when my wife and I came to a place where we both freely accepted that we might separate and talked about it and shed so many of the ideals and beliefs about marriage. It was extremely liberating to get rid of all the pretence, rules, fears, expectations, restrictions and to admit to each other that we were both OK with it and would absolutely choose that path if it felt right. Since that moment, our relationship has evolved in a totally different and far more honest, truthful and transparent way and we are now closer and more committed than we have ever been. Ironically the ‘shackles of marriage’ were driving us apart and now that we have shed them our relationship is better than ever. Still lots to deal with and lots to shed and lots to walk towards. But no question, that letting all that stuff go has been the start of a whole new level.

    1. I experienced the same with my husband last year Otto and I am fascinated about our change. We are now much more aware about our responsibility about what we bring into the relationship and that we have to have an eye on what we are here to bring, what the purpose of this relationship is in truth so to speak. As it m relationships are not for me personally to feel safe and cared for, but for all to evolve together. We had a consultation with a great couple-counseling-team who offered us to become aware of our purpose and we found we are here to reflect sweetness. Now, when when a issue threaten we stop for a moment and ask ourselves: will this way reflect sweetness? Or: will this open up for more sweetness? And than we have a bigger picture in view, what changes our perspective and mostly from this view the issue melts…

      1. Gold to read this Sandra and thank you for adding to the conversation. For so long I protected the image of perfection. It was killing me. Now that I am not protecting that, I am closer to it than ever! – said in jest and with total awareness of the ever-evolution.

  6. I loved reading this Angela and wanted to go straight to the others in the series! What is so delicious is the willingness to re-imprint your relationship with yourself and your ex. This article makes it ok that ‘nothing is forever’ – normally this is something we never like to consider or relate to a marriage, but it shows with grace that divorce can be true and evolutionary. Thank you for such a beautiful example.

  7. Very beautiful. We are innately loving beings so why should any choice we make to ‘go our separate ways’ be anything but loving? Unless we choose to go against our innateness. Moving on and allowing another to move on in life is a very loving action and something we can choose to celebrate rather than be devastated by.

  8. I loved reading this Angela as it is not common to hear of people separating and continuing to work together and build love within their relationship. A credit to you both for putting any differences aside (if there were any) and making your separation and relationship beyond this about love.

  9. Reading this brought tears to my eyes, so profound and beautiful and extraordinary what you have shared with us. Thank you.

  10. True Love, does not often look like the picture books, stories, films, songs we grew up with surrounding us…it is dangerous to fall for the falseness in what is portrayed as Love….the cupid and broken heart story have been throughly challenged by my two children and rightly so….and when it comes to Love in relationships it is glorious to read of such truth, honesty and rawness…it is the way to live True Love.

  11. A beautiful sharing Angela and it shows us how true it can be to divorce when a marriage is no longer evolving the couple. In this case a divorce can bring the evolution for the man and woman involved. In your case it ended up in having a evolving relationship with your ex husband, appreciating him for who he truly is and to see yourself as the amazing woman you are. This blows away the illusion of what marriage and divorce has become in our society. There is no failure in divorce when you separate out of love.

  12. It is great to see the potential you have opened up to. We often blame the other person when relationships don’t work out, but what I get from your blog is that you have shown your ex husband that you can love each other and separate because you love each other, not because of tension or argument.

  13. Beautiful to read how your separation has not allowed any bitterness to come in, but an opportunity to be supportive, loving and honest in moving forward, a great reflection to humanity to see that there is a more loving way to go about a separation.

  14. There is a definite lesson here for many to be inspired by. I have often heard friends carry the hurt and devastation of breakups many years later that often stop them living and allowing the potential of another relationship to blossom.

  15. Isn’t it interesting – to feel free to express yourself in full now that you are separated. What is it that holds us back and stops us from expressing fully before that? Its the fear of losing something, or of being in a carefully controlled environment where everyone knows the rules (or else there will be a fight… again). But when put like this, this arrangement we have become use to is literally a prison.

  16. We need to question why we think that relationships need to end when we get divorced. There are so many examples now of relationships that have become more loving and caring after divorce. Divorce does not need to be the end but the start of something truer.

  17. “As a direct result, my ex and I are both experiencing that in regard to our marriage and separation, there is indeed a different and more truly loving way to be” This is beautiful and such a wonderful reflection for your children. So often we hear of animosity between couples that separate, but this does not support the children growing up or when it comes to their own relationships. If a relationship stops evolving and growing then it is much better to honour and respect this than fight it and stay stuck in it for the sake of the children or any need we may have.

  18. A beautiful example of how things can be in life. When we take responsibility and eliminate blame, great things are possible even in the most challenging situations.

  19. So here we have an example for a saved relationship, because what you and your ex had have was an arrangement based on function parallel to each other instead of evolving together. And now you have a true relationship with him, based on love. Wow! I call this evolvement – not separation.

  20. This is very beautifull and inspiring to read. How many people stay in relationships or marriages just because of the length of time they have been together and nothing else. What you have shown here is that not only can, when done with love, this be liberating for both but it can actually change the dynamics of the relationship enabling you to become closer and more solid in many other ways including as business partners.

  21. To me what you are describing here is more successful than most relationships that stay together, we’re so conditioned into thinking a relationship should last forever, but when it’s missing vital ingredients such as love and evolution it really isn’t serving anybody.

  22. It isn’t the norm for break ups to be so amicable, or at least not for the two parties to work and socialise together. Perhaps that says a lot about our unwillingness to really address how we feel. Any relationship, even those going well will have points where one another challenge each other, this is either addressed with honesty or allowed to fester. Feeling hurt by another person’s actions is perhaps why so many struggle through break ups and want nothing to do with a person that before was their closest friend.

  23. When two people come together each comes with their own ideals and beliefs of what a relationship should be and if this is not addressed it is easy to fall into an arrangement where everything looks great on the surface but underneath there are underlying issues that are not being looked at or dealt with and this can lead to friction and un-ease in the relationship. I can feel Angela that with the choice to separate it liberated you and your ex from the hold of marriage and that this has given you both the opportunity to work together to resolve past hurts.

  24. Without the contracts and arrangements that often complicate and cripple a relationship the participating parties are set free to deepen their honesty, understanding and respect for each other, basically they can open up again to themselves and another.

  25. Thank you Angela. We may love someone dearly but not know how to express that love so that it is true and wholesome. I love how you and your husband have not given up on each other or on love but are finding your way in your relating that allows you both to grow in your own love and your love for one another. This ultimately grows love for everyone.

  26. Thank you for sharing your experience Angela, so many people stay together for all sorts of different reasons when really the relationship is empty. I have friends who are together because they are afraid at their age to start again so they muddle along, Unhappy, but feeling safe for them is the over riding need.

  27. Amazing to feel the quality of this choice to be loving in relationships….how our lives would feel different if this was something that we all explored. I have no real relationships with ex-boyfriends, most ended painfully or we followed the convention of not being in touch after a spilt. I love that there is another way, concerning our relationships…something to really explore and ponder.

  28. I love this blog Angela and the depth of appreciation you have for yourself and your ex husband.
    “I am personally deeply grateful to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for opening me to the grace and support in re-learning to self-love, for presenting the opportunity to finally see myself as the beautiful, amazing woman I am, and to see my ex for the beautiful, gentle and amazing man that he naturally is”.

  29. Angela – you and your ex-husband are re-writing the guide book on how to separate the true way. Amazing to read your story. Thank you for sharing with us all.

  30. I have to say I find it really horrible that when relationships end / ‘break up’ that so many people choose to shut that other person out their life completely. This doesn’t make sense to me. I am not saying hanging out everyday, but many actually stone wall them so to speak. You can still be open to another and hold them in love with our seeing them every day, but I really don’t like this almost world belief that it’s not okay to stay in touch or hang out with your ex. Of course there are circumstances where this may not be appropriate for one or both parties. I guess I need to work on bringing more understanding to this and needing people to be a certain way. To allow people to be, to make their own choices and learn to accept and observe free-will. And also learn that true love is allowing people to be, not needing them.

  31. I so love reading your blogs on separation. It’s everything I see separation to be. Total understanding and truth so two people can love one another without any pictures, ideals and beliefs.

  32. I love that it is never to late to redefine a relationship through basing it on a love that is deeply holding of all involved and can heal all that has come before from being founded on a truth. So many people settle for the different levels of angst or abuse that can be present in relationships, not always knowing that a more truly loving way is indeed possible and worth working towards.

  33. This is a beautiful example of when we let go of our hurts and stop blaming others for our woes divorce does not have to be a hurtful and difficult matter.

  34. What you have shared here Angela is amazing that two people can separate and actually re build and deepen their relationship I would say it is quite rare. So many people that I know stay together but their relationship is coming from a need and it is quite plain in many cases that both parties are discontent they constantly niggle each other and sometimes it’s quite uncomfortable being with them because the tension is so obvious yet they will celebrate years of being together but I often wonder to my self what it is they are actually celebrating.

  35. I learned to see how important is to build a loving relationship with myself as a foundation to build them with others too.

  36. It is beautiful to bring love into the ending of a relationship instead of dumping all our unresolved hurts onto the other, making them responsible for everything that went wrong, which happens a lot, but is quite the opposite to what Universal Medicine teaches and supports people with.

  37. There is an honesty in calling a relationship to an end when we know it is not nurturing, honouring, respectful, caring… in other words based on true love… but what I have realised with the end of my marriage is that of course the relationship never ends and that we can go on developing and evolving, deepening our understanding of life and humanity if we are open to this.

  38. One of the worst things that we can do in relationships is to stay in them just because they are familiar. Our relationships need to constantly evolve and grow and it does not matter if the form of the relationship changes, what matters is that there is truth and love.

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