Marriage & Separation (Part 3): there ‘is’ a Different Way

by Angela Perin, Brisbane, QLD

I was at the beauty therapist’s the other day. I had my eyes closed so I couldn’t see the therapist’s face, but could feel that she was a little surprised (or perhaps confused) when I mentioned that I had been to the movies with my ex. The therapist knew I had recently separated and simply asked ‘Do you guys still hang out…?’ Because it felt perfectly normal to me (we still work together and see each other every day), I didn’t realise until afterwards that this is not the norm, and hence why it had so obviously puzzled the therapist.

My ex and I have been married for nearly 22 years, and our separation 4 months ago was mutual. It came out of an honest admission that our relationship had never been based on ‘true’ love. The actual separation happened more lovingly and with more support than I believe either of us could have ever imagined possible in the past, especially considering the history of our relationship. There was no animosity, no financial tension, no blame and no judgment. Of course, there was (and is) sadness and hurt for both of us (and our children), and this is something we are all individually working on in our own way and timing, but it has not been the emotional, bitter experience that is evident in many separations.

My ex and I have worked together in our own business since we were first married, and when we first separated I personally felt that continuing to work together would only be a temporary arrangement until we could establish the practicalities of separating our financial and business assets. However, what we have experienced over the past few months has been beautifully surprising (and perhaps dare I say ‘amazing’) for us both. While it has not always been easy (we still have our hurts and issues to continue working on, some days more than others), I can feel a steadiness, harmony and solidity within our business relationship that has slowly begun to unfold. I feel the steady growing of our individual commitment to ourselves, and the growing and steady unfolding of a new respect and appreciation for each other that we did not have before.

This is not a connection that is about getting back together or reconciling our marriage, but a connection and commitment based on two people who have spent half a lifetime together and who are working on a different way to be in the relationship.

Our relationship is far from perfect, though no perfection is claimed nor aspired to. I cannot say how long we will continue to work together, however for now we are continuing to develop a new, more loving way to be in the relationship, with ourselves and with each other, and it is a beautiful healing experience for us both.

Although I have been a student of Universal Medicine for over 2 ½ years, I feel to point out that my ex is not an active student. The choices and changes he has made in his own life, are choices he has made, and truths he has connected to, as a result of what he has felt to be true and right for him. The more I have re-learnt to be less imposing and less judgmental and critical of his choices (my own included), and the more I have allowed him the grace to express himself for who he is, the more he reflects the beautiful, gentle man that he naturally is.

Both our families felt a lot of sadness when we separated, which is of course understandable. Interestingly enough however, both my ex and I felt free – not free as in being set free from a jail sentence (!), but a freedom to be honest and to be true to ourselves and our relationship. We both feel there is more ‘true’ love in our choice and in our relationship now, than was there previously. Although understandably difficult at time, and also sad, it truly has been a beautiful experience for us both – with more love and support for each other than either of us could have ever imagined.

Over the past 2+ years we have been re-learning to communicate with each other in a way that is more honest, open and loving, and we are having the opportunity to build a new ‘true’ foundation for our relationship, in whatever form that may currently be.

I am personally deeply grateful to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for opening me to the grace and support in re-learning to self-love, for presenting the opportunity to finally see myself as the beautiful, amazing woman I am, and to see my ex for the beautiful, gentle and amazing man that he naturally is. As a direct result, my ex and I are both experiencing that in regard to our marriage and separation, there is indeed a different and more truly loving way to be…

Part 1: Marriage & Separation (Part 1): Failure versus True Love
Part 2: Marriage & Separation (Part 2): Discovering True Love
Sequel: My Date with my Ex: Re-Imprinting with Love

347 thoughts on “Marriage & Separation (Part 3): there ‘is’ a Different Way

  1. From my experience separating with respect and decency and not the common game of hate that develops is the ultimate understanding of what responsibility means in a relationship. This also can include any breakdown in a relationship with a family member or work colleague. It is the ultimate test to show how honest you are with no blame whatsoever towards the other.

  2. Absolutely gorgeous blog to read Angela, thank you for sharing. An honest relationship with another whether we are married or not offers us our greatest learning.

  3. When we work on resolving our hurts or issues in a relationship it blesses us with the opportunity for a new beginning.

  4. “This is not a connection that is about getting back together or reconciling our marriage, but a connection and commitment based on two people who have spent half a lifetime together and who are working on a different way to be in the relationship.” I love this because it takes away the romantic notion that we all have to live happily ever after but reminds us that it is about being true to ourselves no matter what the form looks like.

  5. ‘ finally see myself as the beautiful, amazing woman I am, and to see my ex for the beautiful, gentle and amazing man that he naturally is.’ when we appreciate ourselves in this way and keep coming back to this premise we build an understanding and a steady place to live and work from.

  6. No matter what transpires we always have an opportunity to choose Love, to come back to truth, to reflect and make a new choice. There is nothing to lose but so much wonder to comprehend if we truly want to learn. Thanks Angela for the inspiration.

  7. You don’t hear something like this happening everyday! Man this is beautiful and what a difference it would make if all divorces happened this way. Especially considering the ever rising rates of divorce that abound today.

  8. Dear Angela not only are you “continuing to develop a new, more loving way to be in the relationship, with ourselves and with each other, and it is a beautiful healing experience for us both” you’re demonstrating to us all how separation can otherwise be – and that is healing also for others to witness.

    1. Great observation Rosanna. By Angela continuing her relationship with her ex-husband and learning together how to become more self-loving, honouring of each other, and understanding, it shows that the usual way of ending a relationship by ‘cutting the chord’ and not having any contact really does hold everyone back from healing and evolving, and is actually quite silly when you consider it. In addition, giving each other the space to develop in their own time without judgement while calling out that there was never true love there in the relationship is really a beautiful approach and very honouring and supportive.

      1. True Michael, and that’s another great point, – that we first need to acknowledge if something is not love, before we can work together to make it about love – even if that means going its separate ways – which in these circumstances is far from ‘separate’, it is bringing a new level of relating in harmony.

  9. I love that you are sharing your relationship with your beauty therapist – it is representing a different way – and that is profound. Sure it might not be normal, but if we have classified normal as harbouring hurts and resentment and talking ill of others, then I don’t really want normal.

  10. Living relationship in that true way you are describing you can never have a plan. Who knows, it could be that you come back together again, or that you stay best friends. That you change working together or stay in that way together forever. The beautiful thing is, if you let go of any pictures, the true potential of a constellated relationship can unfold. There is not your plan but THE plan you then say YES to. The hard bit is to let go of any control, how things should be- the safe way. If you can let go of that, true magic can work through you.

  11. Love does not change, only because you are not in an intimate relationship anymore. It is, simply sad and such a pity, when people who spend many years in their life together, suddenly never see each other anymore. I never understood that. A relationship does not end, only because the form changes. The space that is actually on offer because you followed a truth and left the intimate relationship is super supportive to still work on the patterns that occurred whilst the intimate relationship. What an opportunity many people miss, by just leaving and never connecting again.

    1. Yes, definitely Chris. Angela’s blog is an amazing example of what a true relationship looks like and this certainly doesn’t fit the picture of our society’s view of relationships.

  12. What state are we in that it needs a severe jolt or the actual end of a relationship for us to truly comminicate? What does it say about our relationships where being honest is an unusual event? It seems there is so much at stake we hope things will go away if we ignore them. But this is the greatest mistake we could ever make – the only way to love is the truth. Thank you Angela.

  13. This is very cool, I’m not sure it’s right the way as a society in general we approach separation – in that you either love someone or you don’t and it’s over. Love doesn’t disappear and it doesn’t ever shut someone out or say goodbye forever to someone, the relationship may look different and it may take on a different form but when we are with another person it should always be about love, surely that is part of our responsibility as a human being.

    1. And I’d add that when it comes to love, you don’t ever choose to not be with someone because there is no love but because one person does not choose that love. It’s very different to – now I love you, now I don’t.

  14. Ending a situation or arrangement need not mean ending Love – far from it. For the situations we endure without expressing the truth mean Love can’t be there. So whatever circumstance we find ourselves in never hold back what we feel is true – let’s treasure the connection between us all. Thanks Angela for this different kind of love letter.

  15. This is a beautiful thing to share with the world, it is also a rare thing, as most people split up due to hate fuelled circumstances, it seems that your husband and you decided to separate because of the lack of love. I know that you have stressed that things are not perfect between you and your husband but it truly is something to appreciate that you are able to remain friends on some level, considering you have children that you share the care of.

  16. It’s beautiful reading blogs like this that redefine what it means to be in a relationship with another. It isn’t necessarily what we do that makes the relationship but how we are in what we do that makes it successful or not.

  17. There is so much to be gained when we can be totally open and honest, because it doesn’t mean that we think less of someone, it means that part of the relationship has come to a close, and retaining a friendship, or starting a new friendship with greater understanding can be something much deeper than the original marriage.

  18. It’s great to do a detailed appreciation of what has changed or what is not considered ‘normal’ in this world. Like this article presents it matters not what the relationships heading or title is what matters is the quality of that relationship. As we are seeing more and more the quality of our relationships around us are a reflection of the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves first. Commit to deepening to who we truly are more and more and this transforms all around us. Every move is important and as I am seeing more and more what I consider movement is transforming.

  19. When we hear the word relationship we often think of partnerships/marriages but actually all our connections with other people are relationships. So just as we can work on a marriage we can also work on our other relationships and it is equally important. With the levels of aggression and war in the world a different reflection is very needed and welcome.

  20. “a freedom to be honest and to be true to ourselves and our relationship.” This is such an important and foundational part of any marriage and is not offered as guidance growing up. Just because we get married or start a relationship it does not mean we stop being true to ourselves. In fact the moment we are not true to ourselves we are not true to the person we purport to love enough to dedicate our life to live with!

  21. The more I truly accept me and the choices I am making accepting that I am learning and in the process make mistakes as part of my learning the more I accept others and where they are at. It is incredibly beautiful when we accept another as they can feel it and it supports them to open up.

  22. From my experience we learn so much from a breakup and if it can be done harmoniously and lovingly this is a wonderful gift to our children. Who,for no fault of their own, are often caught in the middle of what must feel like a war zone

  23. The relationship continues because of all those shared experiences, business, children etc. The separation changes it for sure, but then it is up to us to choose the quality of that relationship going forwards..

  24. What you offer is testament to the fact that love between two people need not be bound within a set of rules such as “are you married”. It is there for all of us should we choose it.

    1. Yes and ill ideals and beliefs of what a relationship should be or ‘look’ like after a separation. Angela’s experience and sharing has just blown this completely out of the water and shows after separation there can very much still be love and respect for one another.

  25. Thank you Angela, your words remind me that Love is not singularly about physical intimacy, marital status or great acts. But it lives in a foundation of decency, respect and understanding. God knows we all deserve this in our lives.

  26. Two people may change their patterns of movement towards harmony at any time even if they did not have that before. Actually, this is the only way to understand how is that they were moving in the past.

  27. We place so many rules and barriers in the way of our relationships. I too used to think it was odd to be friends with an ex partner, but actually why not?

  28. This piece shows how beyond being in couples with eachother, we are all our own people first and foremost which is beautiful because this is something to come back to time and time again – your relationship with yourself.

  29. When we love and respect each other this transitioning can be a very growth-full period that allows our love to deepen and opens us to more honest relationships all round.

  30. Sometimes people become so locked into a certain way of being in a relationship that doesn’t really support either person and sometimes it needs something like this to shift that dynamic and allow more space for love.

  31. What this blog makes clear to me is the fact that when we choose for love there is only one way to go and that is to become honest and true, firstly to ourselves and from there to all others in our lives. This blog shows to me clearly that then miracles can happen, situations and constellations that we could not imagine being possible and therefore commonly known in our societies.

  32. Realising that one’s relationship was never based upon true love and admitting it creates an opportunity to move on and see what is offered next, or we can hold on to ideals and beliefs about marriage is for life and staying together for the children and deny ourselves the opportunity to evolve and grow.

  33. Yesterday, a friend of mine met up with her ex husband after not seeing him for many years. This was a very natural thing to do as it gave both of them an opportunity to complete things that may not have been completed. It does not matter if someone is our ex partner or not, it is about bringing more love into all of our relationships.

    1. The most close and intimate relationship we have is only a mirror for all the other relationships we have in our life. There is no: with that person I can be love, with this one I can´t. The question should be: why am I not expressing my love constantly? Equally to everyone! If you let it slip with one person you surely measure expressing it to another also, even though the holding back is not so obvious.

  34. Thanks for sharing this, Angela. When my ex-partner and I separated, it was also a choice to be more, providing an opportunity for both of us and our family to bring more love and truth to the relationships and to no longer stay in the comfort of old paradigms which had stifled our growth and learning. We have never looked back, and are enjoying the exploration of a new and expanded way of being ourselves and with each other.

  35. Lovely to read and hear about the respect and love you still have for one another .. this can be tangibly felt in what you share and is an inspiration for many others. It also shows that relationships never end but instead can be forever re-imprinted and healed.

    1. Thank you for sharing that there is another way to end a relationship that does not leave us battered and hurt and not being open to the potential of meeting and experiencing the depth that one can go to next with another.

  36. It’s beautiful to read of the commitment you both made to work on a different way to be in relationship with each other, one where you both feel there is more true love than before and so by ‘separating’ there is actually a truer connection being built in this relationship which ripples out into all other areas of your life.

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