by Angela Perin, Brisbane, QLD
By the time I came across Universal Medicine in 2010, my marriage of 20 years was really not in a good place. We had managed to work through some of our issues, and in many respects things were not ‘as’ bad as they ‘had’ been previously, but the underlying dynamics, and communication and behaviour patterns within our relationship remained, and neither of us could claim that we were really happy or content. Although I feel both of us previously had felt deep down that our relationship was not all it could be, none of the things we had tried to improve it (or ourselves) in the past had worked.
There was something missing.
What I came to understand through Universal Medicine was that this missing element was in fact ‘love’, that is ‘TRUE’ love… and that true love began with self-love. This realisation came with an awareness and honesty that there had been an absence of ‘self-love’ in our relationship from the outset, and in fact well before we ever got together. This had resulted in a relationship based on need, on being a certain way and doing certain things in order to meet or fulfil obligations or expectations, and an arrangement that was based on convenience and comfort. No wonder we were both frustrated and unhappy! (It also explained the many other relationships in my life – not only those with my children, but with my friends, family, work associates, etc.)
The process of building self-love into my life and daily routine started with re-connecting (listening) to my body and making choices based on how and what I felt in my body. In addition to the physical choices I began to make (such as going to bed early, choosing not to drink alcohol or coffee, avoiding foods which made me feel racy, dull, heavy and bloated [which included sugar, gluten and dairy] etc.), I also began to say ‘no’ to abusive behaviours (from myself, my husband, my children and others). And by abuse, I mean anything that was not self-loving – not only in the way I physically looked after my body, but also in communication and the ‘way’ I spoke and that others spoke to me, the language that was used, wanting to please others, being a martyr, etc. (the list could go on!).
I began the process of allowing myself to deeply feel my own hurts and sadness that I had buried for so long, and to accept responsibility for my choices (including my marriage) with an understanding that I had made these choices because there had been a lack of love for myself (which ultimately, only I was responsible for). I learnt that it was not about blame, judgment (of self or others), or recrimination, but simply that I had an opportunity to make a different (loving) choice in each and every single moment.
At this time, I identified that although the marriage had not been based on love (by this time, we were in effect cohabiting and still running a business together), I also realised that the answer was not to ‘escape’ or run away from the marriage. I knew that if I left the relationship in anger and resentment, or out of frustration and blame, that this would not reflect ‘self-love’ (for self-love is love for self and another equally and leaves no-one feeling less), and that the underlying sadness and hurt would still be there, only to resurface in another relationship.
So in order to build any foundation of love, I realised I needed to first build it (self-love) within myself.
Of course, this process was not always easy (for either of us, including our children) – there were many ideals and beliefs that I had lived my life by that were exposed and that I did not want to let go of. Many of these were entwined in the institution of our marriage, including what I had identified myself with (including being a wife, mother, business partner etc.), the material possessions we had acquired, the comforts and convenience of our business and the life we had established, fear of living on my own, etc..
Although the choice to self-love was simple, the practical implications of this in daily life were not always easy and brought with it a range of different physical and emotional considerations, all of which impacted on us differently as individuals and as a family. In the 2 years following, there were many times that it was difficult and it was not always pleasant. There were lots of feelings that came up (including sadness, hurt, anger, resentment, judgment, blame, etc.) that each of us worked through in our own way and timing (and continue to work on).
It must be said that in truth, in all the years we had been together prior to that, there were many, many times that were equally as difficult and unpleasant, however during that particular period there was little that was based on truth or true change, and so any improvements that occurred frequently only offered a temporary feeling of relief, escape or distraction. Underneath, the feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction and discomfort had remained. In stark contrast, basing choices on self-love was often difficult on a practical level, but the choice itself was an easy one, and was one which I knew deep within was the only way to bring about true change.
And true change is what finally began to occur in our relationship.
We were able to identify the basis of our marriage and be honest about the reasons we were still staying together. In essence, we were married and living together because it was convenient and comfortable, and allowed us to maintain a certain lifestyle, but not because we were ‘in’ love with each other or wanting to connect with each other in a more intimate relationship. Based on this new foundation of self-love, we recently made the decision to separate.
Although we had ‘considered’ this a number of times during our 20+ year marriage, for the very first time, this decision was actually based on ‘true’ love. It was a decision that although not taken lightly, reflected ‘truth’ about ourselves as individuals and our relationship, and was done in a way that was mutually supportive and respectful – and without animosity or recrimination.
It has actually been an amazing experience and has given our family the opportunity to experience that there ‘is’ a different way to be in relation to marriage and separation, a way that is about ‘true’ love.
Part 1: Marriage & Separation (Part 1): Failure versus True Love
Part 3: Marriage & Separation (Part 3): there ‘is’ a Different Way
Sequel: My Date with my Ex: Re-Imprinting with Love
Words on Serge Benhayon 
It is always so deeply touching to read this, so honest, open and non judgmental, it really paves the way for others who read this to be open to a different way to be with ourselves and our relationships. Honestly, if self care and self love was established from childhood in family life and education all of our relationships would be so different. Nevertheless, love is always waiting for us to return to, no matter our age or situation, truly inspiring that in such a challenging time you dedicated your life to love.
How liberating is that when love becomes our foundation instead of ideals/beliefs.
Open and honest discussion offers the opportunity to build a foundation of love.
It is the best foundation we all need in this world, a foundation of love, ‘that true love began with self-love.’
We always have the opportunity to make a loving choice and re-imprinting past choices also allows us to move on in a way that is not harming and does not leave another less than us. Thank you for sharing how it is possible to separate with love and respect for ourselves and each other.
The discovery of where you are may be as devastating as the attempt to land the relationship in a different place.
“I learnt that it was not about blame, judgment (of self or others), or recrimination, but simply that I had an opportunity to make a different (loving) choice in each and every single moment.” I love that Angela as it shows that each of us can change their lives if we are ready to make more self loving choices. For me that is the only way how we all can change the world to be a more loving place as it is now.
In truth your parting of ways feels more a coming together and re-union of true relationship. You show it needn’t be full of hurt and despair when we change the nature of relationship, rather it can be loving and respectful of each other…and expansive.
Very inspiring Angela. From a foundation of self-love we come to know who we truly are and who we all are, which is love, the foundation of true relationships.
Love is the foundation of true relationships, and that starts with a foundation of love for self.
Without love for ourselves we cannot truly love another.
Until we recognise our own lack of self love we cannot be in true relationship with another – time to address the deep lack of love in our lives and the choices we have made in the past and the reflection of those who are making different choices is key in this.
With a lack of self love in our lives, relationships are based on need, ‘This had resulted in a relationship based on need, on being a certain way and doing certain things in order to meet or fulfil obligations or expectations, and an arrangement that was based on convenience and comfort.’
It is rare for couples to talk about and be honest about the true state of the relationship without going into attack and defensiveness. What I like about this unfolding is the willingness to see things as they are and communicate with each other about it, usually the missing link. Sometimes, instead of holding on to the familiar even if it isn’t working, the way forward is to go our separate ways each person equally valued and loved with the decision made.
If we make everything about love, our life would look completely different. What really stood out for me is that you had previously considered separation a number of times but it didn’t happen until you started introducing self-love into your life. What I can feel is how a seemingly drastic change can come from incremental small changes so that when that moment comes, there already is a foundation that supports and holds the ‘big’ change as a natural, reasonable outcome, and not a movement made out of hurt.
Great point Angela. How can we possible ask another to give what we refuse to give ourself? We are love so let’s work on bringing that love to the fore.
Honesty is integral to true change.
It is not exactly pleasant to realise and feel the ugliness of an arrangement. But it is at the same time very freeing and awakening as it allows the healing to choose something different and true.
It took great courage and deep honesty to work on bringing true self-love to your marriage Angela, and I can agree that if you had left it out of frustration or resentment, nothing would have been really healed. I have experienced that effect while leaving certain jobs where I then encountered the same kind of boss in my very next job!
Its simply not possible to bring love into a relationship unless you have developed it for yourself. The same goes for truth – and so often in a relationship it is those bits that are the missing ingredient.
Truth= Love Love= Truth. The expansion in my body that I feel, every time I speak truth is priceless. It lifts up everything that might have felt tight before. For me exchanging truth is the most amazing communication and relationship you can ever have.
What is the purpose of relationship or marriage? It is the lived intimacy we have with ourselves ready to expand with another. How truly blessed and with so much grace if we come back to honesty and humbleness to say, hey let’s live this foundation with ourselves First, with the purpose that our lives to come would be one built with a solid foundation of love and intimacy with ourselves and with all.
I love the honesty in your blog Angela, when we start to build a truer foundation for ourselves, we also offer another a greater understanding, and through that understanding there is always a way forward, it is amazing what we are offered when we no longer hold back the truth we feel.
Its worth repeating Angela, that when we choose love, there can be difficulty, awkwardness and tension that comes. It may not last for long but as unloving situations are cleared out of your life the process can be hard. It’s a million miles away from the fairy tale stories we hear of romantic love, but boy oh boy it sure is magical in its own way.
Romance is pure illusion, I absolutely agree Joseph. With romance pictures and ideals get fed and checked, that has nothing to do with a true foundation between two people. What people love with romance it gives them a ways of securitiy, to be with the “right” person, Instead of seeing the truth of the constellation and living it’s purpose. It sounds like being a party pooper but for me the only reason why I choose a relationship. In fact, I lead my relationship not only for me, but for everyone.
Saying yes to love, is for many of us, a new way of living that we are learning, this means saying no to anything that is not love, ‘ by abuse, I mean anything that was not self-loving – not only in the way I physically looked after my body, but also in communication and the ‘way’ I spoke and that others spoke to me, the language that was used, wanting to please others, being a martyr, etc. (the list could go on!).’
A breakup like this is an opportunity for us to look at what we personally have created and allowed and so reflect on how we are living, its not just a relief to escape something that we have equally created.
A marriage break down is always an opportunity to revise what we have married to in terms of movements, patterns and behaviours.
Angela, how loving this whole process was. You didn’t run away which would have been an easy option, and although things were not always pretty, I’m inspired by how you and your family allowed the process and came to an understanding and a decision that felt true for all.
Wow.. what a supportive and loving way to end a marriage, leaving neither of you as less, but both of you getting really honest about the true reasons for staying together – and not compromising for less than love.
From that stronger foundation, depth and quality is greatly increased.
“I learnt that it was not about blame, judgment (of self or others), or recrimination, but simply that I had an opportunity to make a different (loving) choice in each and every single moment.”What a golden lesson to learn and apply in all areas of your life and all relationships.
Yes, a story-less and picture-free connection.
“What I came to understand through Universal Medicine was that this missing element was in fact ‘love’, that is ‘TRUE’ love… and that true love began with self-love.” I agree, it was not real for me until I included self-love into the equation, anything before then was merely an arrangement, nicely worked out between two parties.
Building love for self, starts with listening to and honouring what the body says, ‘The process of building self-love into my life and daily routine started with re-connecting (listening) to my body and making choices based on how and what I felt in my body’.
When a relationship is founded on need and those foundations are never relayed nor strengthened with the power of mutual true love, what is built can sometimes be the equivalent of a house of cards that falls when it is exposed to the elements of time and has to weather the inevitable storms of daily human life.
Saying no to a relationship based on need, and yes to relationship with a foundation of love, is a loving step to take in our evolution.
“simply that I had an opportunity to make a different (loving) choice in each and every single moment” When we realise that we are where we are because of the choices we have made we can start to make choices that we can feel in our body are made from true love.
Love is a big word that needs to be explored and deeply understood. I found the following article on love very inspiring: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html
Love is a word that the true meaning has largely been lost in our society; it is great to have the true meaning of Love coming back for more people to understand, and live.
To share that a connection to true love came from a separation from a union is a truly amazing read for everyone. There is so much stigma still attached to how we should feel after the end of a relationship which it often been labelled as a “breakdown”. This in itself, brings with it a whole load of ideals and beliefs that stops everyone from feeling that the level of true love can come from making choices to stop cycles that no longer support both parties and are not broken or damaging but healing and freeing.
I love that through the commitment to self love you were able to see what true love in a relationship was and then base your choices, and separate as a reflection of this… knowing separation to be the true course of action. When we base things on wants and needs, complications can arise, but when things are founded on love the needed movements are simple and allow an expansion of everything we are.
Divorcing with true love is definitely something the world is blessed by. There are too many angry and sad divorces that are giving us totally the idea divorce is the worst thing you could do yet it can be the most loving thing to do.
Some say it takes great courage to leave a comfortable life. I say all that is needed is a deep trust in the knowing that comfort is not love.
Thanks for sharing your honesty Angela, it takes a lot of letting go to realise that a relationship may not be built on true love and only serves to keep the show running on a few temporal levels, it seems like with what you have shared, if a relationship is not based on true and equal love to begin with then anything that comes from that or is depending on that will not last or will cause issues!
Yes, relationships based on need, sooner or later will start to feel terrible; frequently with an undercurrent of co-dependency.
Self-love is the foundation of love for others.
There is a freedom that is offered in letting an old arrangement finish… a freedom to express without the protection or the need to make something better so you can co-habit again, but actually encourage yourself and the other to grow no matter what. If we hold back to keep the peace in the short term, we are robbing ourselves and the other person of the opportunity to make a change that can hold us back a whole lifetime.
It’s amazing to feel how being being committed to true love within a relationship, this can mean being together yes, but that also the most loving thing for both is to separate. This is still true love and allow both parties the space and respect to build more self-love.
Separating after a long term relationship doesn’t mean the end of a friendship, if we find the space to re-imprint it our relationship can be more loving than before.
Relationships don’t have to end when marriages end
Building a relationship based on self-love offers a true foundation for that relationship, one based on responsibility for the self rather than expectation of the other. I have finally chosen such a relationship for myself – after years of choosing the other way and feeling empty and needy as a result. The difference is very clear. There is no finger pointing but simple self-responsibility. We do not blame each other for how we feel, we look to ourselves and our choices and see how we have created our feelings ourselves. It is a very beautiful way to be in relationship. If we were to choose to separate, I know such a decision would also be made lovingly, with responsibility and honouring the right we all have to make a different choice in life if it feels loving to do so. Love is not a selfish choice but a choice for all. Self-love in relationship is as shared here, love for the other just as much as it is for the self.
Looking “to ourselves and our choices and see how we have created our feelings ourselves” is so empowering as we are not at the whim or control of another.
Something that we need to remember, that Love is not a selfish choice, but a choice for all.
Though we ‘work through our issues’ unless we get to the root cause we are only making our relationship better which means it can sometimes be worse. This blog points to the missing ingredient: ‘True love’, which can only be found once we establish a basis of self-love.
We cannot find true love without first establishing self-love. Otherwise we will just be looking for love from someone and this will place demands on them. When there is lack of love for ourselves we tend to make unloving choices and can even attract abuse within a relationship. Once we understand this then we do not so readily blame ourselves or others and can then take responsibility to make self-loving choices.
And as highlighted in this blog, self-abuse can take many forms – wanting to please another or be a martyr, holding back and contracting – any form of playing less or more is self-abusive and affects all of our relationships.
It really is key, building a strong foundation of Love for self first.
“In essence, we were married and living together because it was convenient and comfortable”. I sure recognize this one Angela, and it is not always easy to admit that this is the case as we are attached to the comfort and convenience yet once we can be honest about this it opens a window so the fresh air can blow through the relationship, even if it means separation. Otherwise we just hold each other back and the relationship stays stagnant which is a great breeding ground for argument and blame.
Honesty fills up our lives, the world, and the universe with light, this is such an open article that really looks at the quality of relationships and what they are truly based on. Awesome to read.
Your level of honesty is amazing Angela, that after 20 years you can say that the relationship was not based on love. That in itself is a revelation and something that allows so much growth with just that awareness.
And that degree of honesty, sets us free to want more for ourselves and partner.
How many of us have accepted less than we know is true or loving in our relationships? Getting honest is a great first step. How inspiring Angela, that the choice to be in true relationship with yourself lead to what followed.
When in true relationship with self, we cannot accept less for ourselves or another and this is what Angela shows. The foundation of equality and openness in a relationship is self love.
If there is something missing in any relationship it gnaws at you until you expose it. But the blessing is that once exposed, you have the opportunity to heal it.
Wise and powerful words Suse.
Angela this is a very positive and inspirational sharing. When we have a family it is extremely important to make a smooth transition when that family is separating. To have a relationship with your ex partner and respect for each other makes a huge difference to the outcome for all. I admire the fact that you were building a relationship with yourself, thanks to your involvement with Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom presented by Serge Benhayon.
Anger resentment and blame are emotions I have used to not feel where my responsibility for the situations I found myself in lay. I can relate to expecting others to be a certain way so that I feel comfortable. Its very toxic. It took me a long time to stop blaming others and put the spotlight on how I had been living. Seeing that everything I did was a choice allowed me to also see that I could make different choices.
The blame game, keeps us in a fixed position. Until we place ourselves under the spotlight we cannot see the truth of what is going on. The only way to advance is to focus on self and only self, clear what is there to be cleared and healed. And the first of these to go is judgement.
That was something I too had to learn, to stop blaming others, and look at what was my part in the situation, what expectations had I placed on others, and where had I made choices that were not responsible, or loving.
‘True’ love for another begins with ‘true’ love for ourselves.
The subject of ‘true’ love in a relationship is something that is at the forefront of my life at the moment. I‘m noticing how many ideals and beliefs myself and others hold around it, and how these become the basis for having a relationship. The bottom line I have come to is what Angela has shared, self love…. Within one to make true change and within both to make mutual change.
This shows it is possible to make any decision with love. That even the tough choices – ie to end a marriage – can be done in a way that is loving to everyone involved. What a fresh and needed way to look at things – not as a problem – but simply as a choice – and that every choice we can move forward or backwards. Yesterday we were stuck on a busy road whilst a huge truck had to reverse out of a driveway. It took him a while and a few hairy turns to do so – but as he started to drive towards us – the car in front – and myself – put down our windows and gave him a thumbs up. And my whole body in that moment completely appreciated that I had not gone into being stressed or anxious because he took 10 minutes to move – we appreciated the way he manoeuvred the truck, and he drove off with a smile on his face as did we. We brought it back to love. And what a difference!
True love can only be based on a foundation of honesty. It may sound harsh to say that living in a comfortable relationship and settling for not pushing each others’ buttons is dishonest. But love means caring enough to support each other to explore change and not settle into comfortable indifference. I have discovered how honesty based on love can be uncomfortable at times, but it clears away cob webs and allows fiery sparks to fly when eyes meet and bodies embrace. That is worth every moment of discomfort.
I also ended a marriage with the utmost of respect and understanding. Whilst things may never be perfect, it is our willingness to truly take stock within ourselves for the life that we lead – inclusive of the way we’ve gone into/about our core relationships – that offers a platform for true relationships, those not based upon need and convenience, to actually flourish.
And flourish they very well can.
What powerful realisations and growth, responsibly taken, in a relationship. Thank-you for sharing this Angela. Our world is changed by such honesty and realness in the way we honour our relationships.
It was healing to read your account of marriage and separation in the light of true love Angela. I have recently realised I had been carrying hurt and self-judgement from a marriage that ended years ago, but because I have now developed a greater foundation of self-love I have been able to reflect (and share with my ex partner) how we were like two hurt children, very needy of self-love and self-acceptance, qualities that only we could bring to ourselves. Doing so has released residual pockets of anger from my body, without any drama, and I am able to feel the essence of the man I fell in love with again.
It’s quite amazing that you discovered that what you thought was love in your marriage was not in fact love but more a convenience and a comfort. Maybe this is what makes a lot of relationships fall apart in the end because they are used or should I say mis-used. We get married because we think that is the ‘next step’ or maybe it’s convenient and we can get comfortable but we forget about it being about true love and true growth.
It is not about “judgement (of self or others), or recrimination, but simply that I had an opportunity to make a different (loving) choice in each and every single moment.” When we realise we have a choice, judgement dissolves. In relation to self judgement – at any given moment we can choose to do something a different way. In relation to judgement on others – we realise too that others can make any number of multiple choices in any given moment, as can we as to how we react or respond to the choice of another.
20 years is a long time, with a lot of established patterns in a relationship. It is truly beautiful and so very inspiring to read how you were able to change these patterns together. Neither one of you walked away but looked at the relationship deeply and chose a different way.
It is amazing to feel the power of true love, making it possible to separate in a way that isn’t harmful to any party but a great healing to live in true relationship with each other, which can change over time and honesty about this is very important. Knowing that self love is all that is needed, and no intimate relationship is needed.
It becomes impossible to stay in a relationship that does not have a foundation of love, once one accepts only love and lives in a self loving way. As life becomes about connection, and if there is not the willingness in a relationship for connection to be of paramount importance, then comfort and need are the only reason the relationship is still there. However it becomes so uncomfortable, living comfortable, that this can no longer be ignored, and decisions have to be made.
It is inspiring to read how having made the choice to choose self-love you stayed with the uncomfortable feelings that came up and worked through them and as you gradually brought more true love into your relationship you were able to make the joint decision to separate without the usual anger and recriminations. A true blueprint for change that so many could benefit from who feel they are trapped in an unsatisfactory marriage by their ideals and beliefs – you are offering that there is an alternative which others could choose if they are willing to work on it like you have.
The word ‘love’ has been so bastardised that what we call love is not really the case. Seeing people for who they are, not what they do or how they behave – understanding and knowing we are all sons of God – and holding them with an open heart regardless – is true love. Behaviours can still be called out, but knowing this is not who someone is. Appreciating and loving ourselves, accepting not self-bashing is a first step.
“What I came to understand through Universal Medicine was that this missing element was in fact ‘love’, that is ‘TRUE’ love… and that true love began with self-love. This realisation came with an awareness and honesty that there had been an absence of ‘self-love’ in our relationship from the outset, and in fact well before we ever got together”. So many of us can say the same. Never having role models for true love as young ones, we muddled along as best we could. How wonderful it is now to have those role models in Serge Benhayon and his family, who hold everyone in equalness and true love.
It’s like life by numbers – living by need, expectation, obligation and what is expected. When we begin to love ourselves, things open up for us, nothing remains hidden, everything comes up to be examined. It is very beautiful, challenging, difficult and raw. It is living your life.
“What I came to understand through Universal Medicine was that this missing element was in fact ‘love’, that is ‘TRUE’ love… and that true love began with self-love”.
What a wonderful realisation Angela; self-love, an essential ingredient on which to live our lives.
This really is game-changing stuff. That marriages can end in a way where both people can be ‘mutually supportive and respectful – and without animosity or recriminationl’ is generally unusual. So your lived experience is one to sit up and notice. Allowing ourselves to deeply feel our hurts – which can be supremely raw and uncomfortable – goes a long way in seeing what has truly happened. It’s not about blaming someone else, but accepting responsibility for the choices we have made and understanding that they were made in the way they were through a lack of true love for ourselves.
‘In essence, we were married and living together because it was convenient and comfortable, and allowed us to maintain a certain lifestyle, but not because we were ‘in’ love with each other or wanting to connect with each other in a more intimate relationship.’ This is so honest, and the reality for the majority of relationships out there despite whether they are willing to admit it or not.
It is gorgeous that you were able to get to a place of realising that you could take responsibility for your life and that every moment was an opportunity to make a deeply loving choice for you that would support you rather than allow you to continue on the path you had previously chosen.
It is so clear to feel how true love changes the way you can be together, and that when there isn’t the feeling to stay together in a intimate relationship it is easier to let go.
We can’t paint a picture to what love will bring…
All we need to do is be honest and open and anything that comes from that foundation will be for the better.
How empowering to realise and share with each other that your marriage had become a relationship of convenience. I imagine this would greatly support a loving separation.
‘having a story-less connection’. Good one Ariana and definitely the way to go. I agree when we loose ourselves in our stories we separate and make it all about us while we are not even there really.
Inspiring to know that it is entirely possible to separate from a long-term relationship in a way that is complete, true, honest, respectful and loving. The key is clearly to build that foundation of self-love, brilliantly defined by you as ‘love for self and another equally and leaves no-one feeling less’, otherwise we take all that unfinished business and dump it on the doorstep of any new relationship we enter into.
I love the honesty and truth that you share in this blog Angela, that even though a relationship is ending it can still be done with self-love, true love and deep respect for all involved. I feel what you share shows the way forth for so many, as you and your ex partner have allowed truth to lead the way and that relationships even in their ending can be done with true love at their heart.
I completely agree there is a different way to be in marriage, starting from self love with our selves that inspires self love in our partners.. Together we build our marriage on a true foundation of honesty and truth. We have been working on building our marriage based on true love and truth, we are really working on calling out what is not loving in our relationship.
How grand God’s love is that we are given the possibility to start anew in every moment of our life.
When people hold each other in truth and love there is no room for the emotional pain to come in. Amazingly honest sharing, thank you Angela.
Angela this is a joy to read – how simply beautiful that you were both able to come back to the truth of love and then separate with a very different quality of energy rather than acrimonious and angry, which just continues to lock in the hurts and pain.
Thank you again Angela, for a beautiful sharing of how through bringing in self love, you were both able to take responsibility for your lives and separate with true love for your selves and each other.
Self-love has also been the key for me to have more loving relationships. The more I take care of and truly look after myself the better I start to know me and the clearer I know what feels right for me. I can always bring it back to me, look at me, work through what is there to be worked through and make different choices. It is absolutely life changing not only for myself but everybody around me.
What an incredible journey and so much growth in the process for you Angela. Isn’t it amazing that by the time you actually separated the separation was founded on truly loving choices because you had worked through your hurts and sadness. What a freeing process building a foundation of love by first introducing an ever deepening level of self-love into your life based on how you are feeling in your body and honouring it.
Thank you for writing about this important subject and high-lighting that there is a different relationship to be had with separation and divorce. Especially as so many of us (myself included) have divorced leaving bad feelings behind without truly explaining to each other what’s really going on.
Thank you Angela and Julie, I agree, to truly express what is being felt, and what is truly going on in all our relationships.
When we separate the why question is as important as to the how question. Yet, it is important to be discerning as to what presides the whole process. Is it right and wrong (my case) or truth (Angela)? They imprint the whole process with two very distinct qualities.
Feeling the hurt and sadness we have buried regarding all the past choices we have made is challenging, but oh so freeing and oh so worth it.
I love the simplicity you brought to divorce and separation Angela. That it is simply that you did not feel to be in an intimate relationship with each other and that to divorce is then a loving choice for the both of you. Such a beautiful thing to read as many divorces I see around me are made out of reaction and hurt with a lot of anger and bitterness involved.
Further to my previous comment, I would also like to applaud you for having the responsibility and care to resolve your issues together and deal with your “stuff” before you separated. Funny writing that you separated because clearly you actually came together more than ever before. It is important that we learn our lessons and evolve from a situation in the way you did otherwise we take it all with us and recreate the same story over and over. I had a similar experience some years ago in a job that I needed to leave. I ensured that I was not running away and had “mastered” all the things that were not harmonious for me at that workplace and that I had handed over the job in such a way that everything was fully taken care of before I left. This way everything was complete for me and my employer and I was able to move on fresh.
I agree Nicola that Angela and her ex-husband through this process developed a truly loving relationship.
When I was a child my parents who were terribly mismatched stayed together for the sake of the children and it was awful for all of us. We spent years and years begging them to separate and when they finally did it was beneficial for EVERYONE and they also become friends. I personally have been married for 22 years to a wonderful man that I am perfectly matched to, so I am fully in favour of marriage and relationships but not at any cost and there are occasions where it just does not work out for all concerned.
If you start building your relationship with yourself based on self-love and are willing to be honest about what you feel the truth and thus love can come out. And while many people would consider staying married is only about love, your sharing highlights there is no fixed picture when it comes to true love and you can only take 1 step at a time.
How often do we look for the quick or not so quick escape hoping that we will leave everything behind, only to find the same things happening all over again, only with different people in a different place. The way you have approached your marriage has been so loving to you both and it feels very honouring. Thank you Angela
Thank you for sharing your connection to self-love and how this has allowed your family to grow in understanding of how we can become conditioned by all the ideals and beliefs of how we think we should be. Learning to accept ourselves and others for who they are is very liberating and so a separation can bring a true connection.
That’s an interesting comment Mary Adler that the actual separation itself can bring the true connection that was absent beforehand – I agree, the acceptance of ourselves and all others must definitely be liberating.
When faced with those moments of tension, when those hurts we carry rise to the surface I find that when I take responsibility for my part in creating and holding that hurt everything falls away. Even saying to myself about my responsibility in the situation then focusing on how my body feels afterwards. What I am finding is that the blaming and avoiding the feeling of hurt and that I chose to end up in this situation is what disturbs the body more than simply accepting where I am at. In that moment there is no blaming but an understanding that it was a choice and that choices can change in every moment. Thank you Angela for this reminder that while uncomfortable, building a foundation of love is actually very simple.
I love how you share that separation can only be based on true love if we want to truly heal the hurts and evolve away from abuse. Great sharing, very inspiring.
Angela, the definition of self-love you have shared–‘self-love’ (for self-love is love for self and another equally and leaves no-one feeling less) has inspired me to live deeper this love, and not forgetting myself in the equation, it prompted me to re-imprint past momentums–to bring back the equality that I know but have chosen to ignore.
Angela the way you and your partner separated from your marriage is inspiring. 7 years ago I separated from a 22 year marriage. At the time I did not have the awareness to go through the process in a truly loving way, even though the decision was a self loving one. Separating from relationships can be a challenging, sad time and brings up lot of pain for many. Knowing there can be another way where every one innvolved can be supported lovingly through the process can make All the difference.
I can feel that it has not been an easy decision to make, but the love you hold now is a testament to the way that you decided to make it.
How wonderful Angela that you got to base your decision on true love. What a great marker you have.
To begin to develop self love within a relationship and redefine that relationship into one that is open and honest is pretty awesome. I have been more honest in my recent friendships than I ever was during my marriage which was totally based on need and ideals so to read this blog was a revelation.
I’ve found this too judykarenyoung. The more I’ve worked on self-care and self-love, the more my relationships with everyone else have been not only more honest, but a lot more loving and with a whole lot less expectation and imposition and stress (!) and this has been the case regardless of whether the relationship includes family, colleagues, friends, etc.
I love that by the time you decided to separate, the decision was based on a truly loving choice. Instead of leaving in a heap of fighting and anger and leaving the relationship really damaged, you came to the choice through changing the way you live to be more self-loving.
Yes, I absolutely agree Arieljoymuntelwit. It is inspiring especially those contemplating separation that Angela and her husband came to a place of honesty and then separated amicably. This is something unheard of around me. I hear about so many relationships breaking up, full of many emotions, anger, resentment, regret, etc. It is so refreshing to read about a separation where both parties mutually agree, all because of the choice to be more self-loving.
Exactly…and not only that, the decision was made together, equally. It’s fair to say, that that is a rare occurrence, but in saying that, so is the choice to bring real honesty to the fore, meaning they both gave themselves the opportunity to come to that decision in love. It came down to the choices they made, they did not have anything more or less available to them than any other couple.
Absolutely arieljoymuntelwit. We can often think that by leaving each other we are leaving those emotions, struggles and tensions behind but we are not because they always resurface in other relationship if these hurts have not been truly healed.
Beautifully expressed Angela, many of us have been in relationships that are about a need and let us stay in that comfort without having to address anything. When we do take an honest look at our relationships we can see that it was never from true love.
There are choices we make everyday and we have to make the right choice for ourselves and that can be the right choice for another although at the time it maybe hard to see. Making a relationship about truth is making it about true love, and when we do we wonder why it took so long to make true love the foundation because it is a relationship that is not only supportive, but one where you are still allowed to be yourself.
In some ways, if you are in a relationship and you start working on yourself a lot comes down to honesty. How honest am I with myself and how honest am I with my partner and then, importantly, how honest is my partner as well.
If both are honest, anything good can happen – the process can be amazingly supportive for both as it had been for us. If one is too hurt or chooses for other reasons not to be honest it can become very difficult.
Very true Christoph, we can only bring our own level of honesty and truth to a relationship depending on how much we are prepared to look at our hurts and deal with them.
That’s so true Christoph, and I believe that many people avoid going down the deeply honest path for fear of what might lie ahead. If the other person doesn’t want to come to the honesty party, it can be very painful. This shouldn’t be the reason to not go down that path, but I understand why people choose to stay in the comfort of denial. Ultimately it’s more painful, just a more familiar pain.
When both people genuinely choose to evolve together there can be nothing but the utmost honesty to reveal all the areas within ourselves that we would rather not expose to the light of love.
Lovely to read part 2 in this series. Very keen now to read part 3. A relationship about true love, and a full commitment to make it only about love, is a great foundation. Only one has to hold that commitment to bring it back to that foundation. Make it about love and only love – who doesn’t want that?
I find the hardest thing (but not so much anymore) is to stay strong. When you start to build that love in your body, through self-love to start with, the process becomes simpler and it becomes ‘it’ – the only way to live. You slowly drop your needs as your choices become more about building love in your body first and your relationship.
It feels like a wise choice to not separate in a state of affect as the lesson that was provided will come back to bite you in the next relationship.
Angela, once again a beautiful sharing – I especially loved the part where you say: “I knew that if I left the relationship in anger and resentment, or out of frustration and blame, that this would not reflect ‘self-love’ (for self-love is love for self and another equally and leaves no-one feeling less), and that the underlying sadness and hurt would still be there, only to resurface in another relationship.” This is something I too have always felt to be true, and have known deep down that what we do not resolve or work through in one relationship will come back to ‘haunt’ us in the next. “haunt” is perhaps not the best word to use but you get the gist of what I am saying. I have an unspoken agreement with myself to work through any ‘issues’ in my relationships before making any decision to ‘end’ that relationship.
Thank-you Angela I’m really enjoying reading how, by making the responsible choice to deal with and consequently heal your own hurts and developing a more loving caring way of being, resulted in the consideration and awareness you took in this process of respecting and deeply caring for the whole family.
What an awesome reflection for your children Angela. In fact for everyone. It’s never too late to take responsibility and the learning that comes from that for ourself and everyone that we come into contact with is huge. Dealing with the consequences of letting go can be a little on the painful side at first. But when the choice to bring the focus back to ourselves is made, the emptiness starts to be filled with our own love and appreciation…which in turn helps us appreciate others around us. This is taking some time for me to work through but it’s happening.
What a beautiful foundation you had set for others facing separation – to do so with commitment to love, truth and responsibility is truly inspirational.
I feel the huge level of commitment and (self) responsibility you’re both taking in the process of separation, which feels it’s a higher level than when you were together. It feels amazing to commit to love and be accountable for one’s actions, as whether we are married or separated we are still connected to the other person and have a responsibility to the other and ourselves to stay open and loving.
Thank you Angela for sharing your insights.
What an amazing journey. What I particularly love about this is that having considered the same option a number of times before, this time, you made sure that the decision to separate had to come from true love. Without true love, everything tastes hollow – relationships, business, projects etc, and a decision to separate – even when they appear to be amicable, successful, ticking all the right boxes.
Self-love as a basis for any relationship – I love it. There should be a driver’s license for relationships, first learn how to madly fall in love with yourself!
Haha, Felixshcumacher8, yes you make quite the point here 😉 – as has Angela in her blog. Although I feel our relationships are an essential part of the process of falling in love with ourselves – our relationships can reflect to us our qualities (and our faults) that we have not allowed ourselves to see or accept – we cannot lock ourselves away from others and the world until we have “perfected” self love.
A deeply honest and loving blog Angela. It takes wisdom to recognise and courage to address this type of self abuse.
“We were able to identify the basis of our marriage and be honest about the reasons we were still staying together”. Such a powerful blog Angela, thankyou. Honesty is key in all relationships.Loving yourself first is a must, something I’m still developing.
This is really beautiful what you write here Angela Perin. You show me in this blog that love is omnipotent and that it will always bring truth to us in every aspect of our life as long as we are honest about that we want our lives to be based on the foundation of love.
Wow, Angela I love your wisdom and honesty. This is so inspiring for me to look at my relationship with my partner of over 14 years. Self-Love is something I haven’t yet fully developed and this is reflected on all my relationships. My understanding of true love I realised have been an illusion and now I understand what true love is but it is going to take some time for me to fully implement it in my everyday life. It is not so easy for me to live true love in full everyday. It is not that I don’t want to but I am still carrying layers of protection. I am learning to let them go and to be more aware and to fully commit to true love, this is a work in progress. By me developing self-love first will naturally flow into every aspect of my life.
Loved your wisdom and commitment to love Angela:-
“… the answer was not to ‘escape’ or run away from the marriage. I knew that if I left the relationship in anger and resentment, or out of frustration and blame, that this would not reflect ‘self-love’ (for self-love is love for self and another equally and leaves no-one feeling less), and that the underlying sadness and hurt would still be there, only to resurface in another relationship.”
How many relationships break up ending in anger, hate, even revenge for the partner? It’s awful and sad, and nothing gets healed, only carried into the next relationship.
I love how you made it about self love first.
Thank you Angela for the next instalment , I love how you both came to the understanding it was a marriage of convenience not love , how revealing and freeing to allow you both to step forward into the future of your relationship.
Beautifully expressed Angela how you have taken responsibility for your previous choices and your new choices.
Angela, I am struck by your total dedication to understanding that simply walking away from the marriage wasn’t the key and that before making any decisions around your marriage, you had to first work on love – in its spherical sense. Thank you.
There’s such wisdom in love x
Angela I love how you have shown us the simplicity of building self love;
‘The process of building self-love into my life and daily routine started with re-connecting (listening) to my body and making choices based on how and what I felt in my body.’
This is the first step to building relationships of any kind. Thank you.
Your choice and your commitment to be self loving, no matter what, has been very inspiring to read. I am looking forward to reading part 3 of your trilogy.
Thank you for sharing Angela, in the tangle of emotions and practicalities if you make every choice about love the fog lifts and you can see things clearly.
Thank you for your honest sharing Angela. You have described beautifully the impact self love can have on a relationship, rather than having it based on need and convenience. From this your family got to experience a relationship based on true love. A beautiful experience for you all
What I get reading your experience Angela is that True Love has no excitement or high. It’s about being honest and facing the nitty gritty of life in order to grow. I have found that being willing to let go of what I don’t want to let go of is the most loving thing I can do for me and everyone around me. So many doors, understandings and transformations happen as a result. That would never have occurred if I kept holding on.
Soo true Shevon, I find when I let go of what I am clinging onto, a whole new world of opportunities open up for me.
Beautifully described Shevon and inspiring to ponder where I am holding-on too tightly and need to let go.
It makes sense to me now more than ever, that you cannot truly love another if you do not have the foundation of love for yourself first. It is inspiring to read how you both could be honest with each other and have grown because of it.
When it is neither marriage nor separation, but true love or not true love that we commit to, a true relationship begins, with self and with others. This feels much more freeing than living by the roles and expectations we are given and we give ourselves–thank you Angela for sharing that there is another way.
Angela, what an incredibly healing time for yourself and your family. Getting really honest with ourselves can be quite difficult at times but so worth it for our evolution and that of all others.
Thank you for such a gorgeous sharing. It is beautiful that a separation can be due to true love and not the lack of it.
Great blog, Angela, considering how a marriage keeps us often in comfort instead of true love.
“True Love starts with Self Love”. That really is something worth writing about. After all – who doesn’t want true love and how many people know to find it you must start with you loving yourself and not by seeking it from someone outside yourself. Thanks for sharing this life changing revelation Angela.
Thank you so much Angela for sharing so openly your journey to true love. It is a great inspirational support for anyone in a difficult relationship. It shows how important it is to be coming from truth and love.
Angela, I feel such joy reading your blog and can feel how for you both separation was indeed based on truth and love – it’s inspiring to know that this is possible. I especially love your definition of self-love as including the other equally.
I totally agree with you, Monica.
This truly is a very honest piece of writing,I have to admit that before coming to the end i thought it was going to be a fairy tale ending with you sorting out all your problems and living happily ever after together till death do you part. In actual fact your ending is very inspiring and you did sort out the problems from a very true place. Thanks Angela
That is amazing to make the decision to separate based on true love, and without animosity or recrimination, truly inspiring.
Wow, this really shows the power of true self-love – “love for self and another equally, leaving no-one feeling less” – thank you Angela.
Great read Angela, there is a lot to ponder on with what you have written and it shows us that there is a different way to be within a relationship, married, separated or divorced.
Very true Ariana, and Angela’s story is one of so many, I have experienced something very similar and it is a great place to be to see it for what is and not be held by any of it just be in the knowing that it was not true and thus bring it all back to the simplicity of having a deep relationship with oneself and cherish that relationship more then anything else.
Awesome part 2, Angela, it’s very inspiring to see that by making the choice to self-love it has brought you to the point where you can make decisions that are based on what is true for the both of you. Part 3 here I come!!
Wow Angela, this one is just as powerful as Part 1! So very inspiring that you were both dedicated to making a true change and in that realised running or walking away from the relationship you had both created wouldn’t deal with the core of what it was that needed to be addressed. That your love less relationship needed to be stopped and Self-Love was the only way to do this. As you shared it can get pretty ugly at times but if not truly addressed then there is no way of moving forward. Part 3 here I come…
Hi Angela, I find it truly inspiring that you and your husband have travelled this path together and come to a point where you can support one another in the choice to separate with love. Its pretty awesome.
Rally awesome Angela, thank you for sharing in more detail you experience with building self-love with your self but also in a relationship that hadn’t experienced it before. I think that’s amazing. Looking forward to reading part 3!
Oh My God Angela – your story – my story!
My ex and I have separated but still under the same roof (3 + years later) engaged in a court case and in-spite of all the “feelings that came up (including sadness, hurt, anger, resentment, judgment, blame, etc.) that each of us worked through in our own way and timing (and continue to work on).”
I remember chatting to Serge (Benhayon) at some point during my ‘drama’ and him saying to me something similar and along your lines: “that there ‘is’ a different way to be in relation to marriage and separation, a way that is about ‘true’ love” but I didn’t know it was possible until I chose it. Challenging at times to say the least but truly worth it!
Ironically (or not) in almost 2 decades we’d been together I never loved my ex with the (true) love I feel for him now, even though most of what we created together (home etc) is being denied to me. Others, including lawyers and barristers find this very difficult to comprehend but at the same time and in their own words: truly refreshing and inspirational to encounter.
Your piece touched me deeply and made me ponder even further about my relationship with my ex and where there is room for more work to be done – so thank you Angela.
I agree Dragana… ‘room for more work to be done.’ I have been divorced for a few years now – it felt very similar to Angela’s experience and even now I still look at how my relationship is with my ex husband – areas where I can be more open, loving and communicate more. I found that doesn’t stop with a divorce, there is still a relationship there to be cherished.
“…for self-love is love for self and another equally and leaves no-one feeling less”. Thank you, Angela, for a truly great article about love and what it truly is.
So beautiful Angela… thank you.
Once again your openness and honest sharing of the changes you have made in your life, as you started to develop your own ways of living with self-love, is very inspiring, Angela. Thank you!
What an amazing reflection for yourselves and your family. To be able to show via being self loving that marriage and separation can be supportive, understanding and loving of both people involved. Congratulations, not on your separation but on choosing self love no matter what the outcome.