by Sonja Ebbinghaus-Vuckovic, Germany (English 2nd language)
Huu, I just read the article‚ ‘Divorce: nothing to be ashamed of’, and yes as to all comments I read – it also deeply resonates in me.
I am after 18 years of being together with my husband, now in the phase of ‘separating’. What unusual word for me.
As far as I know you fall in love, you are together, you may get married, you have kids, you see it is not it, you try to rescue it, you fail, you struggle with giving up, the pain and sadness increases and all family suffers – then finally you decide to separate – you move out – one year later you get divorced. That’s it. A whole lifetime story.
After this whole setup – you are marked as ‘failed, used’. You may end up on the market of singles again or you may never open again to anyone.
But what if this whole process is not about failing – but about being true to yourself, your partner and all around you? What if – you actually take responsibility of your previous choices and get step by step, as far as it is possible, through them and get honest? Is this not a healing for you, your partner and your kids? Is this not a healing for all around you as they see someone feeling what is true for them and taking action?
When I got married I was pregnant and yes, that seemed the most normal thing to do – though I always said, I never will get married. So the word ‘marriage’ for me came with a lot of associations.
I can’t remember a single marriage as a child and later, including that of my parents, which I would name as the one I would like to have too. I feel the word ‘Marriage ‘ is so predetermined depending in what culture you live and social background – that it is like a heavy coat… you put on and can’t move freely. Should it not be the same feeling, if you are married or not to your partner? Why do things change when you put your name under the contract? Maybe because I did not know what true marriage is. And so I just allowed myself to get labelled and fit in.
Today, I see that my relationship and marriage did not work – not because I do not love my husband – but because I did not love myself in the past. I forgot who I am. I was separated to myself. So if I am not me, what can I offer to my husband and my daughter and all those around me?
All of what is coming now ‘in this separation phase’ is new to me. I want to take responsibility for myself and in the same way I take responsibility for all around and with me. I do not ‘just leave’ – I am open and willing to bring all the love I am. Hurts will heal and there will be space for more true relationships for all of us. If we allow.