About Marriage and Divorce

by Sonja Ebbinghaus-Vuckovic, Germany (English 2nd language)

Huu, I just read the article‚ ‘Divorce: nothing to be ashamed of’, and yes as to all comments I read – it also deeply resonates in me.

I am after 18 years of being together with my husband, now in the phase of ‘separating’. What unusual word for me.

As far as I know you fall in love, you are together, you may get married, you have kids, you see it is not it, you try to rescue it, you fail, you struggle with giving up, the pain and sadness increases and all family suffers – then finally you decide to separate – you move out – one year later you get divorced. That’s it. A whole lifetime story.

After this whole setup – you are marked as ‘failed, used’. You may end up on the market of singles again or you may never open again to anyone.

But what if this whole process is not about failing – but about being true to yourself, your partner and all around you? What if – you actually take responsibility of your previous choices and get step by step, as far as it is possible, through them and get honest? Is this not a healing for you, your partner and your kids? Is this not a healing for all around you as they see someone feeling what is true for them and taking action?

When I got married I was pregnant and yes, that seemed the most normal thing to do – though I always said, I never will get married. So the word ‘marriage’ for me came with a lot of associations.

I can’t remember a single marriage as a child and later, including that of my parents, which I would name as the one I would like to have too. I feel the word ‘Marriage ‘ is so predetermined depending in what culture you live and social background – that it is like a heavy coat… you put on and can’t move freely. Should it not be the same feeling, if you are married or not to your partner? Why do things change when you put your name under the contract? Maybe because I did not know what true marriage is. And so I just allowed myself to get labelled and fit in.

Today, I see that my relationship and marriage did not work – not because I do not love my husband – but because I did not love myself in the past. I forgot who I am. I was separated to myself. So if I am not me, what can I offer to my husband and my daughter and all those around me?

All of what is coming now ‘in this separation phase’ is new to me. I want to take responsibility for myself and in the same way I take responsibility for all around and with me. I do not ‘just leave’ – I am open and willing to bring all the love I am. Hurts will heal and there will be space for more true relationships for all of us. If we allow.

236 thoughts on “About Marriage and Divorce

  1. Saying Yes to a marriage is actually a Yes to yourself. A Yes to your evolution and as a result a Yes to everyone. The moment you commit to a unit of true love you offer this to everyone, as true love involves everyone around you.

  2. Divorce for me was one of the most powerful and evolutionary things I did for myself, so many prefer to stay stuck in marriages as they are in comfort and in fear of being on their own, this then becomes an arrangement as there is no true love.

  3. It is such a true observation you make that if you are separated from yourself it is not possible for the marriage to work.

  4. I come from an up bringing and culture where arranged marriage was very common not that long ago. When I first heard about this as a child, I recall not feeling the essence of love in any part of the arranged marriage I saw and heard about. This felt very strange to me and I remember feeling relieved that I was not going to be a part of this form of marriage when I was older. Also at the same time, I got the sense that separation or divorce was definitely not accepted and was view as a failure and shame. Unfortunately, this view of separation and divorce is still pretty strong. I feel what you have shared here Sonja would be very foreign to most people in my culture. I am sure this will slowly change with time and especially when more ad more people reflect how loving it can be when separation and divorce is done with absolute love. With this, we begin to understand how supportive it can be when we make choices based on love and truth, and not based any ideals or beliefs.

  5. It is wonderful to know that we can make divorce a loving and caring process rather than something that is full of angst.

  6. “… but because I did not love myself in the past. I forgot who I am.” And therein lies the reason why our relationships go ‘pear shaped’, not because of how we feel about the other person, but how we feel about ourselves. When we make our inner relationship the most important one to master, then we naturally have a strong foundation upon which to truly love everyone, intimate buddy or dear friend alike.

  7. There are so many, me included, who walked away from our marriages feeling that we had failed and that those around us, in many cases, were judging us. And then with the spectre of failure hanging over us we often began the next relationship still carrying the hurts of the previous one. Certainly not the energy to bring to any relationship

  8. What is beautiful to read in this is the opening up that is occurring not a shutting down. Often when a relationship ends people can go into more hurt and a closing themselves off. What is great in this is the opposite is occurring, a coming back to you and in this more being brought out.

  9. ‘Marriage ‘ is so predetermined depending in what culture you live and social background – that it is like a heavy coat… you put on and can’t move freely.’ That’s what we have made it to be, full of ideals and beliefs, arrangements without love for ourselves and the other, maybe with what we have made love to be but not love in a true sense.

  10. Of being in a relationship, I often find that it is in the tiny details that supports me to hold on to my sense of who I am, such as in the rhythm of our walking together, where we can each honour and claim the rhythm that we have and not to feel obliged to enjoin with the other, unless it absolutely feels natural and true to do so, in which case there is pure glory to be had.

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