by Adam Warburton, Pottsville NSW
We meet in the street, and shake hands, meet each other in the eye. Or maybe we meet at work. Maybe you are my brother, my best mate, my boss, or maybe a stranger. It doesn’t matter… it’s all the same. We check each other out; cordial, polite, but quietly guarded. We share a joke, and laugh, but not the uncontained joyful laughter we might share with our wife or daughter, but one that is a little more brusque, sharp, more controlled – a laughter that says, “Hey that’s funny, but you’re not getting in, buddy”. Nobody gets in. We talk about little things, big things, politics, sport: we share life experiences, but always, underneath, there is a game going on.
Can you feel it? That unspoken competition that never dies? I tell you about my latest surf trip: not to be left out, you talk about the great barrel you got the other day, maybe, just to quietly show you aren’t missing out. Oh, but maybe you don’t surf – so you change the rules of the game. You mention your kids… they are doing great, really, and your job; you just got a promotion. ‘Fantastic’, I say, and that’s it – the game is over. A draw as usual. You mention the weather. Ah, relief… now that’s something we can share without competition. The tension eases, and we drop into that comfortable conversation where the status quo is not challenged. Meanwhile we check ourselves. No harm was done: our walls are still solid.
I am a man. I am great at the big issues. Threaten me, attack those I love, and I will not hold back. But please, please, don’t ask me how I am really feeling. Don’t ask me to relate – because then I might just have to be vulnerable, I may just admit that it hurts. “But there is no war”, you say, to which I reply, “There is always the potential though, and I need to be ready, because this time – this time, I am not going to get hurt”. Throw a rock… I’ve got the gun ready. You have a grenade, that’s fine, I’ve been preparing for years, and so I bring out the rocket launcher. Or maybe I don’t wait – maybe I learnt a long time ago to preempt what is waiting for me past the front door… so every time I open it… boom!! Everything I have got… just to clear the way. Nothing personal… just got to make sure. Because, last time – come to think of it I cannot even remember last time I felt hurt. I’ve been doing it for too long – but no matter, I’ve got to stay prepared – just in case.
I close the door. All clear, I say to no-one in particular. I turn to my wife, my child, and I drop the guard: I soften, and relax, or so I think. “I love you”, I say, but it echoes inside my helmet, an empty sound if ever I heard one. “I can’t hear you”, my wife says, and my daughter, she is looking at me all kinds of strange. Oh, I realise, and I take off the helmet and the gloves; I put the sword down, and there I am, in civilian clothing again, ready to be dad, ready to be husband. But unbeknownst to me the game I started to play long ago continues, only now it is the game that is playing me. It is a game that everyone unknowingly becomes a part of, whether I want them to or not. It is a game with no beginning or end, and the most painful part about it? It is a game that never stops. So underneath, unbeknownst to them, I keep the bulletproof vest on, just to be safe – just to be sure: they can’t see it, and neither can I… I’ve been playing the game for too long. So I reach out from behind the wall, guarded, but polite. Considerate. Caring. Loving. But the question that I dare not ask myself threatens to raise its head – am I really loving, caring, the way I know I want to be, or am I just still playing the game?
Now there is one thing I know for sure: if you want to win the Tour de France, you have to train for it – you have to devote everything towards it. After a while, it shows in your body; it starts to change shape – muscles harden, the eyes narrow their focus. A hollowness appears under your cheekbones, and veins appear where once there were none as the last remnants of fat deposits disappear. The hours and years of dedicated training have made your body that way. Then someone asks you to dance – but you can’t… the hips are no longer flexible. The hamstrings don’t stretch far enough, and you find that you no longer can touch your toes – because your body has been configured for one thing only – to win the Tour de France.
What is my point, you say? Well, at 6.00am I leave for work, and I put up the shield, the armour, the tough guy face, and I hold that until I get home every day, 5 to 6 days a week. On the days off I may socialise, go for a surf, hang out with friends, and so the shield is not as intense; but on those days my body is still in training, devoting its all to being protected – to strengthening the wall. All that devotion, all that training, and then magically, I expect somehow that the body I bring home to my wife and child can suddenly change, soften, open up, be there to express the love I so desperately want to show. But the sad fact is that I cannot – at least not in full – because the armour is still there, letting nothing in, but also letting nothing out. Spend your life training for the Tour de France, and alas, when someone asks you to dance, you cannot. Sure, you can go through the motions, hold your partner, make it look like you can dance – but deep down you know that your body is being held back by that choice you made long, long ago.
So, my fellow brothers, let us make a pact. When we meet in the street, and shake hands, let us look each other in the eye, but this time let us really see. No need to hug, or be soft or pathetic. But let us again be open; let our conversation be true. Let us look at each other as we might our wife or our daughter. At first it may not be easy, but that’s fine; it may take a while, but that’s fine also. After all, training takes time. But if we are sincere, I promise you, our bodies can let go of the fight, let go of the armour, so that once again, at last, we can truly, deeply love.
Words on Serge Benhayon 
You can’t not melt when met with a guy who’s taken his walls down. It takes a lot of energy and effort at our expense to attack such tenderness. And when in that delicateness of no armour any attacks are understood and not reacted to- basically you don’t get hurt. Best ‘protection’ of all.
What a great point about the way we train our bodies to be hard and protected, and to construct a wall around ourselves, so that when we are ready to have a moment to be loving we may not be able to be because the body is unable to allow it through. We may literally have to re-train ourselves to be open, trusting, vulnerable and real.
How we protect ourselves, more and more as we go through life, falsely thinking we will not get hurt, when what we are doing is keeping the love out, and distancing ourselves from true intimacy.
Oh, the game. How do we disengage from that, how do we dismantle and undo the set-up so that no one can play. We first have to admit that we are playing the game, and that it is a game. Sure, we have been entertained and taken by it completely and believed it was more than a game but a truth somehow, but honestly, it’s not fun any more.
“I close the door.” When we close the door on one we close it on everyone.
Brilliant blog Adam, you have raised so many important points. The part about the weather is so true, your observations are spot on.
A call to be aware of the games we men play is a great one because only if we become aware can we ask the question of whether this is what we want.
We all lose when we are caught in the game of protection.
Now that’s training worth doing – to open up with everyone we meet. Thank you Adam for expressing so eloquently the game that has kept men entrapped for so many lives and showing the way for all those who now choose to retire their armour.
It is beautiful to be in the presence of a man who is not afraid to be himself, as I am sure it is equally beautiful to be in a presence of a woman who is not ashamed to be herself.
It is Viktoria, and they invite us to be ourselves too by reflection we get to be deeply inspired.
What an amazing call to humanity, and the message really applies to all of us, we can’t go out into the world and be one thing without bringing that home with us – so why not take the time to rediscover a true and immensely loving way to live in the world so that everyone can benefit?
What a beautiful quality to bring to humanity, to be loving with all, ‘a true and immensely loving way to live in the world so that everyone can benefit?’
“But there is no war”, you say, to which I reply, “There is always the potential though, and I need to be ready, because this time – this time, I am not going to get hurt”….. When I read this part I was deeply moved and cried. What an imprisonment we hold ourselves in when we react to a hurt and then ongoingly live our life from that stance. I love the example of the Tour de France and how when we repeat something enough, it becomes our foundation, in effect our starting point. A great invitation for all men, and in fact for All of us, “let go of the armour, so that once again, at last, we can truly, deeply love”.
It’s true Adam, if we wear the armor when we are outside our home it is likely we keep it on when we are in our own homes too.
Lovely to read this again Adam and a great reminder that to keep the bulletproof armour off requires constant and consistent dedication
I loved reading this blog Adam and your call to all men to drop their guard and to begin to connect with each other in a true way. I know for myself I used to armour up before I left the house every day as well, it is very exhausting living in this way and somehow I thought I was protecting myself from further hurt, but in truth what hurt me was this barrier I put up between me and other people as I was deeply craving to connect with others. Thank you for this beautiful reminder that we can all benefit from.
I’m another one who had layers upon layers of armour, supposedly protecting me from being hurt, whereas in reality stopping the connection and love from people from entering my body, and likewise my love from going to where I had chosen it to go.
Adam I love how you have written this blog, I know exactly what you mean about putting on our armour as we walk out of the door, and on occasions in different circumstances we add or reduce it, yet all the time we have our armour on, we are not being who we truly are, better to face the world as we truly are than hide behind the armour that we don’t truly need.
Yes, it is pure illusion that we truly take off the armour when we feel safe, e.g. at home.
Some of us did not feel safe at home, especially as children, so we learnt to have this protection on 24/7; and then when we choose to let this false protection go, it is like we have to learn a whole new way of living as we discard the layers of armour.
A deeply beautiful article Adam thank you for sharing, I have sons that are deeply tender but have layers of protection around this tenderness, this is an inspiring article for all men to especially read. For me as a woman I can feel the guards that I have placed in my body which I am gradually learning to let go.
Now this is something worth training for to let go of the layers of protection that we have all built around ourselves. Thank you for the inspiration Adam which I can really relate to even if superficially women appear to have more connection there is so often still a guardedness and a lack of allowing our vulnerability to show.
Absolutely Helen, I can very much relate to having layers of protection, and when choosing to allow this protection to go, it is like it is still there…, ‘But unbeknownst to me the game I started to play long ago continues, only now it is the game that is playing me.’
I have observed some men in recent years who through their hardness have made their way to the ‘top’ in life. Won the ‘tour de France’ or become a political leader perhaps. But underneath their drive to be ‘top of the pops’ is that deep hurt. And if you know where to look, it is often quite evident – in their words for example. People who are world leaders saying that ‘they aren’t laughing at us any more’. Someone who felt the horror of being hurt by the words of another in the playground, who goes into protection and then pure drivenness to never be hurt again. It’s all very understandable – but is it a foundation for running a country or a business? Do we want life to be about protecting ourselves from hurts…or do we want it to be about love, connection, unity and oneness? I’m in for Adam’s pact because I have experienced both sides of this coin…and only the choice to be love truly works.
As we men shield ourselves, it ceases to be a alien object on our body to become part of our body, part of us. Hence, the more we use it, the hardest to connect to life without it. You get to know life through it. At most we can loosen it up a bit and feel how is life then. This is particularly the case when you are not even aware of the shield you carry around. So, our notion of freedom is not really a true one because we cannot be free if we wear a shield. A shield seals a specific configuration in our body we feel comfortable with (comfortable not necessarily in the sense of comfort as opposed to discomfort but in the sense of familiarity; known waters to swim on). It locks us in a specific way to see, feel and relate to life and to ourselves. Becoming aware of all of this is huge. It gives you a real feeling of where you are at and helps us to understand the way out of the jail you have chosen to be locked in. It also helps you to understand the others, also prisoners of the jails of their own making.
Sincerely felt, thank you Adam. Sometimes things in life may well hurt but we all have within us all that we need to heal and move on. And being open doesn’t mean we have to be fluffy or pathetic as you say but there with all of who we are.
Men like you are absolute gold Adam. It is very beautiful to meet a man who is fully open and lets you in, who doesn’t hold back on his willngness to connect with others. I love how you express and what you bring to others and inspire in them.
I started reading and went ‘Wow. Is this what it is like to be a man?’ then realised that being a woman is pretty much the same. Looks different, but nonetheless the same in that we are in extreme pain of holding ourselves back. The irony is we are trying to live what we think we are while holding back our true essence. Pretty obvious that wouldn’t tally up.
What you illustrate here so exactly is how our every move and every thought contributes to how we hold ourselves in our bodies and how our body simply carries out what we put into action but always with the consequences of the moves we have done before. And this explains so well why once we realise something we cannot change it instantly, but that it takes time and dedication to bring our bodies back to their natural tenderness and flow.
This is so well said it’s ridiculous, we think we can be one way with our bodies or ourselves and this won’t change how we are everywhere else. I loved the Tour de France analogy and it makes perfect sense but why don’t we see this with everything? For years and still now I didn’t relate to this being the case with many things and now more and more I am seeing how this all works. Whatever you do anywhere is always with you, we can’t turn part of ourselves off and on. We can make it look that way but truly it never ever feels this way, great article.
And as a women I can offer an openness in myself, a letting down of my guard to feel my own vulnerability, and in this is the space to hold another equally in their vulnerability without imposing on them to be or do anything else.
When we are on guard we are automatically layered with armour, on the defensive and poised waiting to be attacked. Who wants to live their days like that when there is another way.
I’ll take that call Adam, or I have already taken it. That ‘call’ is an ongoing development with my expression and how that looks honouring my tenderness. Yes, I can honestly say I have new friends AND I have not deserted my old mates – they have deserted me? I’m more open with my love than I have ever been, while my expression deepens. When I have been in contact with my old mates they are repeating the same manner and behaviour. It’s the same behaviour but more ingrained to the point they are not aware unless they make a connection to me where it will be exposed. So I join The Call To All Men . . . and my gentleness will continue to shine.
“am I really loving, caring, the way I know I want to be, or am I just still playing the game?” Great question. We all have to learn to dance with each other with open hearts and open arms to feel the love and tenderness we naturally are.
Are we playing the game still at some level, presenting a loving, caring, open and transparent front, someone who is prepared to be intimate with a select few, but with undercover protection, ready to defend ourselves just incase?
A beautiful call to open up to each other, which could equally be called out to women, even though we may use different strategies but we don’t truly open up to each other either, getting lost in comparison, hardening our bodies trying to avoid jealousy, makes it hard to trust one another, However if we do not re-learn to open up to one another we stay imprisoned and alone behind our walls and forever long for love and intimacy, wondering where to find it.
This is a truly extraordinary article Adam, super powerful and deeply moving.. a beautiful call that not only men can step up to but one for us all…. to let go of our protection and deeply connect with each other.
Yesterday I saw a picture I am reminded of. It was a man escorting another man to his marriage. They where on their way to the stage where others and the bride waited. The two men did hold each other with their hands on their walk. A simple gesture of connection, communion and intimacy. And I cried. I was touched so deeply from what I saw in this picture. Men who show their tenderness and love for each other.
If we will increase this, it will change the world much more than any political manoeuvre or any laws. I will support this as much as possible and be willing to change my habits and behaviors, my way of living to see this on every street on earth: unarmored men.
It’s such a great analogy you offer Adam – that of if you train for the Tour de France you end up with a body that can only do that. So for us all to be able to respond full-bodily to every moment of life we need to ‘train’ for universality so we have a body that is fit for life. This ‘training’ won’t leave you with sore muscles and aching bones – quite the contrary, it is the training of self-love where caring for ourselves is top of the list, which opens our body to the universality that life truly is.
This is so truly truly beautiful Adam, it so deeply touched my heart, that you have started to speak about what is so obvious there, as men protecting and shielding away all the amazing tenderness they hold, simply for a reason or pain they might have felt and have hold.. it is so beautiful that you open up again, and so every men can feel that. Truly truly beautiful indeed. Thank you from all the way in my heart.
So beautiful to read your heartfelt article Adam, we all wear our protective shields, fearful of being hurt, we have no idea that the love we carry deep inside does not need protecting for it is love and only knows love. In our protection we cut ourselves off from the very thing we long for most, and that is to love and be loved.
Most beautifully described how we make ourselves into something we deep down do not want to be but live and confirm in our every move every day.
I love what you share Adam about people wearing a shield to protect themselves from the outside world. But what I am starting to realise is that this protection not only provides an impenetrable barrier that keeps others out it also becomes a double edge sword by shielding the expression of all our potential, all that is awesome, wonderful and inspiring about us from being expressed out into the world too.
This is a beautifully rallying call to drop the shields that do not protect us from hurts but which in reality and truth keep us from love – love of ourselves, of others, of expressing and receiving love and that is the greatest hurt possible.
Gosh I love this Adam- it is so beautiful when men do let go of this guard and allow themselves to express. I am deeply inspired by many men in my life who do this.
A great rallying call for us all to take down our walls of protection and liberate the love and tenderness we all are.
Thanks Adam, I read this again and it is still as relevant if not more. We keep this game up but we don’t really know how to break it. I can feel the tenderness in men but I can also feel the confusion and sometimes potential anger and fury that is there waiting to lash out if someone asks you to share how you really feel. As men it’s important that we are honouring what we feel and make choices from there. Otherwise we will cement even further the toughness we often grow during our days.
Adam I agree, and women are very similar, we hide behind pleasantries in order that no one gets too close, it’s a game we play only too well, when we let go of the game there is an abundance of joy to be shared.
You would think that a man’s family would be on edge or concerned feeling his protection and guard that he goes out in the world with and brings home again with him, but from what I see and have experienced, most families get worried when the husband or father actually allows how he’s feeling to burst through the guard and be shown. How back to front we have it, showing how long this way of being for a man has been allowed and encouraged for.
I’m in Adam. Over the past few years I have met some men who have started to embrace this possibility and have begun the retraining programme. Wow – how tender they are – we are – not in a weak and pathetic way, but truly, deeply so. It is a tenderness that melts armour and even enjoys a hug. These are men who embody harmony and grace and these are men who are showing that there is another way to be, because underneath it all, there is love.
Deeply touching piece oozing with honesty and awareness; I have noticed how men measure each other up and make sure that the pecking order stays in place, that the walls are secure and the armour nicely polished.
And women have their version of it too, the jealousy and cattiness and their version of dog eats dog; or should that be more like devouring or scratching each other’s eyes out?
And none of it makes any sense and the state of the world proves it so.
What an amazing world it would be if all men, and women, took off the masks and the Kevlar vests, stepped out from behind the battlements of protection they have built, put down the swords and claimed who they truly are; divine beings living in world of illusion that they have created simply because of the power of the fear that they might be exposed as being less than what they are expected to be.
And the irony is that the fear that is so powerful is, itself, an illusion. How ridiculous is that?
This is beautiful Adam, plainly written by a man who knows the territory well and has shared the gold he has discovered in his journey back to himself and a place where you can be unprotected and share that for us all. A blessing.
There is probably no more damaging piece of armour that we wear as men than the one we wear to protect ourselves against being hurt by our own families. I know that I have kept that one piece on just in case for a very very long time, and as with all armour all it does is keep them from reaching that truly tender place in me. The one that is actually beyond being hurt, and is immortal.
There was recently a program on TV in Australia about this. There was some really lovely moments that I saw where the men and some teenagers really allowed themselves to be vulnerable and share about what was going on in their lives. The beautiful thing was how much it brought them together and how much understanding in created. It was like all of sudden they could see that the walls that were put up to protect themselves really did not and by allowing the walls to melt away, they could trust each other with there most inner feelings. With that they could see that protection was not needed at all, simply a willingness to be open and be vulnerable. A blog ahead of it’s time.
Most beautifully described how we build and keep ourselves imprisoned in our own bodies and how we have the power to open these prison walls step by step until we stand right there in the open. Thank you Adam.
Incredible Adam, what you share is so real and so true.. Makes me humble when I read, that also as women we do that, protecting ourselves from openness and letting each other in. What a blessing to hear a man share what is truly going on.. finally sharing the real way. Let’s stop pretending – let’s open up. Without any backpocket whatsoever. Thank you Adam.. As you said: if we are sincere, I promise you, our bodies can let go of the fight, let go of the armour, so that once again, at last, we can truly, deeply love.
Stunning and timeless blog Adam. The game we sign up for, for security and protection, for a conversation starter at bbq’s, to hold up the exterior image that we portray ourselves in, that nothing will hurt us and we can solve any problem, well it obviously isn’t working from men and from experience I can say that the true love that is within is always looking to get out, but it is the surrendering of the game that allows us to let it out.
Love what you write here Adam, the call you make for men to be open and honest, is very poignant in this world where we get to slowly see that it all is not what it seems. Behind the guards we hold deep preciousness that the world desperately needs.
The wisdom of this blog is frankly stunning, I would love to share it with every man I know.
‘I’ve got the gun ready. You have a grenade’, It’s so true Adam we all have an arsenal of reactions poised to wound another in anticipation that they will wound us first. It is such a backwards mentality and one that is feeding the world’s woes, suspicion and distrust of each other all the more and closes us off to so much potential.
The more honest with myself I become and express this honesty, the more others around me express how they are feeling with honesty. It stops me in my tracks sometimes because it is not what I have been used to but I hear it and it is in moments like this as I write I receive an opportunity to reflect and feel the appreciation for myself and others and the wonderment of it all. Thank you Adam for sharing.
I love this Adam, with men such as you in the world expressing this depth of wisdom and love to all, many men will be inspired and supported to also not hold back and express in a more true way.
Thank you Adam for this tangible experience of what it means to live in a certain way most of the time and how this way of living determines all of our life as we cannot just simply let go of it whenever we like as our bodies are so used to move in that certain way. It makes a lot of sense and emphasises how important it is to be patient and consistent when we realise something and then want to bring it to our life, i.e. changing bad habits, patterns, as it simply takes time and dedication to allow our bodies to let go of this posture and learn to move in a different way.
I can relate to that game we play with each other, a game that measures how much we can surrender with another. How much at ease we are willing to be. The thing is that if I’m not able to be at ease with others am I really able to be truly at ease with myself? I remember reading a while back an author saying that the only way to self realise is in the meetings with other people and I think there’s a point there.
How odd our behaviour has become here on Earth – we play small and live a measured life so as to not feel the wonder and true grandness we are and are from.
Protection: the game we play that we don’t even know we play, that ends up playing us. All very well spoken and delivered Adam – the silent disease that is eating up our men as we women play a not too dissimilar game of our own. Beneath our shields of armour and our suits of lead lives a love that cannot be hurt, by virtue of the fact it knows no other way to be but the love that it is. So what is it we are so fiercely protecting? Our love is a light Divine but we mask it with all that is not of this love, lest another see and attack us for that which they also have but perhaps are choosing to not express. And so, to ‘not love’ becomes the norm instead of the simple truth that we are each fashioned by love and the expression of this is very natural as it is our true normal. What is not natural or normal is holding it back, but it has sadly become very common. In order to give up the game, we need to first admit that we are playing one.
beautifully expressed Liane.
Great call Adam. The consequences would be felt far and wide.
Love the call Adam, for men to let down their guards and allow themselves to be seen and open. Nothing is more beautiful to see men together who have dropped their protections and being honest together. There is so much at play that allows this to continue… we all need to look at what expectations, pictures and ideas we have about men and how they should be, act, and relate in the world. It’s awful but I remember growing up and if I saw men in my life cry, which was very rare, I would feel insecure or worry… I was more used to seeing them be aggressive and violent than be raw and honest. Now though I rejoice feeling a man allow themselves to be fragile and tender and speak from their heart.
The hardness and protection does not fall away when around people we intellectually know we are safe with. The increasing rate of domestic violence is testament to that. Any man can only be a true man when he is prepared to look at his hurts, and let go back to the natural tenderness there underneath. Sport, elite sport in particular trains people to be insensitive so they can punish their bodies. This is the antithesis of a role model we need for men in this day and age.
I can see a lot of changes in the men who are part of Universal Medicine and they have a great role model in Serge Benhayon as well as those like yourself who have made great changes through his example.
This sharing would be wonderful for every man to read and be inspired by, thank you Adam.
I love the analogy of the tour de France, as a former cyclist and someone who created a hard body to handle life it is revealing to see how much there is to strip away of that hardness, and how that shield, mask, protection, call it what you like is not just the physical body but how gentle or hard I am in how I express, and how I have to keep shedding the layers of identity I created to be accepted. Personally I see no value anymore in the comparing my lot with another man, how big is your car, sports, relationships, family, money status. My measure of my success is now in how well I express with love and care for both myself and all I meet.
What I loved about this blog was the depth of understanding being shared. Yes there are games being played which impacts on ourselves, our families, and every single person we come into contact with or simply walk past in the street. But there is no judgment in these words, simply opening up the fact that as a result of choosing to put on the amour repeatedly when we are asked to lighten up and dance we cannot and that with time the body will be able to dance once again the more we choose to not take up the protection and control. Thank you Adam.
Adam this is a very open and touching blog. Both sexes have their own guards that we have become so used to wearing. The analogy of being in training for the Tour de France, and consequently not being able to dance freely produces a very powerful image. We miss ourselves and each other and are so out of practice when it comes to communicating openly.
Thank you Adam. As a woman you have given voice to a situation that I could not put words to. I so miss the connection of men being real. Not the man at war.
I feel moved by the tenderness and openness of this expression – an exact example of the qualities it is proposing we engage in everyday interactions. The superficiality compared to the depth of connection and love between people is apparent everywhere among both men and women. It is a gorgeous call through one man to all men, and it is also a call for the whole of humanity.
I so love this call, Adam. Beautifully and eloquently stated, a call from the heart to all other hearts to be open.
This part resonated for me Naren Duffy as a woman who has seen many men in her life hold back, play small or push through with hardness even though the fragility and the craving to just be heard was what they were feeling time and time again. An honest account of how many men feel and a blog that should hold the front page section of every sport or daily news channel.
The gentle and delicate way little boys are with one another, deeply sensitive and vulnerable shows our true nature as men, and yet we quickly impose upon them and get them to toughen up, man up, be strong, don’t cry. Is this because as men we maybe feel this discomfort in our own bodies of how hard we have become, or the belief or image that they will not survive in the world if they are not rough and tough?
As men we often lack a strong connection to our bodies, and a knowing of who we truly are, a real sense of our true selves, because of the rejection we felt as little boys as we were not met in our tenderness and joy, we were not truly seen and acknowledged for the beautiful boys we were, we turned our back on ourselves and became everything others wanted us to be, we became good at something, good at doing life. We then go through life playing this role, and yet we yearn to be ourselves, tender, loving and caring and to be met in this, but it feels like the risks of that being rejected again, and the hurt too huge and devastating, to even contemplate, or entertain the idea of being open and vulnerable again.
As men we simply don’t want to risk being hurt, to have that devastating feeling of being rejected in any way, being wrong or any situation that expose how deeply tender and sensitive we are. So with other men we keep the conversation superficially light, and always there is an undertone of competition a guarded-ness that says I’m doing fine, a protection that secretly says don’t go there, an unspoken agreement that says we’re not going to talk about what’s really happening in our lives, the feelings, hurts and the deep yearning to be met as the tender caring and deeply loving men we all are.
This is an important topic Adam, as we cannot in all honesty, live one way in the world and another at home with our partners and families, if we shut down protective and not letting people in we cannot magically flick a switch and suddenly be open and loving with our partners, yes we can go through the motions, actions of being caring, gentle or kind, but we are still carrying our guarded ways.
As a women I too can relate to putting up a facade – that everything is okay or even that it’s not okay when it is, just because I don’t want to stand out. Thank you Adam, I love the possibility you present of how open we can naturally be with one another.
A beautiful call to drop the protective guards that keep us imprisoned and separate from each other. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is such a rewarding process because through that we can build loving relationships and feel truly met and supported to be all of who we really are.
As soon as there is a competition there is always a winner and a loser or even that draw that somehow makes you feel like you are both losers. But it’s not only men who play these competitive games Adam, women too are masters of comparison. Ultimately though all these head games between people are unhealthy and only serve to destabilise the very integrity and potential of what could be awesomely supportive relationships that not only build each up but equally lay and build up the foundations of our society.
I wrote this several years ago. As a man who has come through the other side to a large degree, I can say, it is worth feeling vulnerable in order to drop the guards, for what awaits on the other side is glory and a love like no other.
As men we hold ourselves back from knowing love not just by the way we hold back, but equally by the way we move our bodies.
In protection, we convince ourselves that we can take off the armour, lower the guard, unfreeze the iciness a little. But the layers of armour are still there when we get home, where we can hide them a little more. It is amazing to be around people who have connected to themselves again and are unguarded, choosing everyday to not to be in protection anymore.
This is a much needed honest look at how we have all lived our lives, everyday. I recognise the person you describe very well. I am learning that we cannot think our way into expressing all the love that we are. Our protection is buried in the body. It requires re-training and commitment to loosen the hips of the cyclist who has trained for years to win the Tour De France. But the body that can dance is there and has always been there.
Thankyou for sharing this Adam. “But if we are sincere, I promise you, our bodies can let go of the fight, let go of the armour, so that once again, at last, we can truly, deeply love.” I am witnessing this already at some Universal Medicine events, where men are much more open and less protective with everyone these days. Lead the way Adam!
A fabulous article Adam. Once again I am impressed by the workings of men as you describe here, and cannot relate to small boys being imposed upon to be the protector at such a young age but I know they are from about four or five onward. Women have their own set of impositions placed on them as well. Is it time we had a true understanding of how it is for both sexes and make those much needed changes for all? I think so!
Adam, a truly stunning piece of writing with the power to break through the armour for men to see themselves in your words and be so deeply touched by them they will find themselves unable to not respond to your call.
Adam, please keep writing. I felt every word resonate deeply in understanding and true compassion for men and why they make the choices they do in order to avoid opening up. I get it. Yet there seems to be a point of no return for so many men, where they become ‘comfortable’ in the self-imposed prison of the walls they constructed in the first place and the fear of feeling vulnerable overrides the truly tender, loving man within. As a woman, this dependency and lack of trust in themselves and others, can cause devastating harm to their relationships. But I do trust and know that this call is also being heard and felt even by those who never read these words, for I am feeling it more and more in other men I am meeting, a willingness to ‘go there’ and put down their shields, armour and even, the bullet proof vests. Nothing short of a miracle is unfolding here.
Thank you for this insightful blog Adam about how men survive in this world, the games and the strategies that go on. There will be great celebrations as these man-made walls come tumbling down as men begin to pour their energy into opening a gate instead, just as you have shared.
Just beautiful Adam, the call for brotherhood and love was felt deeply, the offering there for the taking.
The battle of unspoken competition not only goes on between men but equally with women too. The flavour of what is prized in the game is just different. Our integrity and true strength as a society is when we are united and allow all our unique qualities to complement each other and we work together in and with those qualities for the harmony of all. This includes being honest and sharing our struggles and hurts so that others can support and inspire us when needed and vice versa. That way we all learn and no one is ever left behind. Life does not need to be the battle we make it out to be.
recently I read a blog comment someone made on a newspaper article about men not having many male friends in their middle age, and it was suggested that the reason men do not maintain many close relationships with other men is because of the way they always compete with each other.
My question is why do both men and women feel the need to say everything is great even if it is not? And why do they feel thatthey have to hide their hurts and so called failings and compare themselves to each other anyway? We are all unique and we have all walked completely different paths to get us to where we are today. Thus I am realising more and more as I write this that any form of comparison with another is a total waste of energy.
There is no greater lie than the facade of niceness, for it is a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing as they say. Rather would I face the angry tirade and bared teeth than the insidious musings of the preacher of good. Having said that, I would yet again much prefer the honest admission of a wolf that admits it is hurt by the fact that its true nature has been misunderstood, and that it craves nothing more than to return to the shepard’s side with its brothers in arms.
Thank you Adam for presenting how men cope in this world.
The armour has become so familiar for us men that we often don’t even realize that it is there. Just admitting the fact that I built it and that it is there is the beginning of the end of loneliness.
Amazing to read this Adam, as I feel this is what is happening so much in the world – it is how we are relating to each other with this guard. Your blog shows that we have a choice and that there is another way. Thank you.
Adam, what you have written is a gift to us all, male or female. I can see this guard happening everyday in the men around me when I notice their posture and the way they look at each other when they are talking. I have also noticed many subtle ways that women play the game of putting up a defensive armour, especially around competitiveness in mothering. It can be downright ugly at times to witness. You have renewed my motivation to be open with others as I go about my day today, thank you!
Thanks for helping me understand how the armour is difficult for men to take off and how it is also not only protects them from the harshness of a man’s world but it is also protecting them from being rejected by women. I know how much we have always adored women and we have not let you in. There is a great game going on here that we have been set up to play that is age old – thank God I can see it more clearly now – let the battle be ended once and for all!
And why would a woman open themselves up truly to a man, when he has done so much to keep the world at bay from knowing who he really is? There can never be any condemnation here, for both genders have been guilty at playing a game of protection for all too long, each blaming the other for their predicament. And as you say, it is a game as old as the ages, and one in which there is no eventual winner. We have all been deceived into thinking that love is not real.
Thank you Adam, for this window into the dynamics that play out in the world of men. A real insight into the game and its long-term effect on men’s ability to express the love they truly are.
I met two men that came to do a job where I work. The one looked like a beer keg on legs and the other was over 6 foot but looked like he also enjoyed a pint or two. Both looked in their 50s and well worn for their ages. In our conversation while they worked I found the rounder one had worked for the company for years and the other had driven a 39 ton gravel truck for years till he was made redundant. Both men had big hands. I was amazed at how tender and delicate both men were. They were installing a glass fiber internet line that is smaller than a human hair and vary fragile. I asked if their wives knew what they do at work and one said she would not believe him. All of us men have this tenderness inside of us… we just need to let it out more often.
Adam, this is such a deeply beautiful blog, a call for us all to know that we can open up and live love and to be patient and tender with ourselves while we do so. Thank you – I feel the beauty and tenderness that men can be with each other and everyone in what you offer here.
Sensitivity is the inherent trait of every man and woman, and is the pathway to the understanding of our true inner nature and evolutionary origins.
The truth is that our internal defences that we hold up to the world, both as men and women, are not needed. If we really look at it objectively, it is quite a ludicrous situation we find ourselves in, that we develop a way of being that is based on the small percentage of times that we have truly been hurt, and because of that, we spend a life living guarded to all but a select few. What is worse is that we get so familiar with our guard, that often we do not even know that we carry it, until that is, we meet someone who is completely unguarded, and we get the opportunity to feel the difference. Enter Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, who has shown by living example that life can be lived with a degree of open-ness and delicateness that most of us would not have thought possible, or even considered.
beautifully said Adam. From a few hurtful experiences we start to make ourselves guarded and carry around our guarded selves, it becomes the familiar movement and body posture and any situation which poses a threat, we have an automatic reaction for.
Such an accurate evaluation of how men operate in the world, your honesty and creativity is appreciated.
Men have a very familiar relationship with the act of protection. Protection is our way to relate to the world. What changes is how much we protect ourselves in every situation and how we do so. The fact that we have such a familiarity and ‘easiness’ with protection reveals clearly how hurt we are, how deeply sensitive we are and how difficult has it been for us. Imaging hugging someone in protection. We all have done this. Bit like two bulls (nothing comes in, nothing comes out). Imagining now hugging the other one in the knowing that deep down we are the same, and what we are is not the portrait we put up. So hugging the other but not playing ball with the usual games we play. For me, these are two different planets where you can land.
Awesome blog Adam. You are so not alone when you get up in the morning and head out into the world you ‘put up the shield, the armor, the tough guy face, and I hold that until I get home every day’. Why do we hide behind all that when innately we all are so equally divine?
What an exhausting internal battle we fight to keep others from feeling who we truly are. Men may choose an arsenal of rockets and spears but women dig deep trenches to hide in. The only person we are fooling is ourselves as we can all feel the tender being that is hiding behind their chosen defence mechanism. Love conquers all.
Thank-you Adam for being willing to let down your guard and allowing us who read this to see behind the wall that men put up to protect themselves from being hurt, although by doing this they are hurting themselves even more fighting a battle that doesn’t truly exist. Men and woman alike want truth from each other and yet if we are holding back by not being willing to trust and to be open enough to let others in to truly know us, then how can we expect another to be drop their guard and let us in. To trust is the key.
I agree Deidre – trust is definitely the key – trust that being open with all that it brings to us is well worth the risk of getting hurt now and then.
When you’ve been “playing the game” for so long, it is almost impossible to remember where the game ends and where reality starts. And as a woman I can also relate to the protection, the body armour and the weapons in reserve, just in case. After many years of living in protection mode, I have finally let go of the shield I had carried for so long, but recently I realised that I was sometimes still picking up the sword in readiness to fight a perceived battle. A very exhausting way to live, but one that is slowly turning around, to a life of openness, acceptance of others and the immeasurable joy that comes with it. Thank you for a most memorable blog Adam.
Ingrid, many women have commented on this blog about the same thing – that it is not just men that are guarded. Which leads me to wonder if this is the case, who is going to be the first to open up if we are all playing the game of being hurt and protective. It is no wonder that relationships can be so complicated at times, when this is our approach.
Adam this is such an amazing blog you have shared here. This would be a great read for all men and boys and women. The more we understand that we all need to take off the armour and feel the brotherhood between us the better.
Thank you so much for your article Adam. sharing the particular flavour of protection that men have – the imposition from society is so strong that men can forget what is deeply tucked away inside. As a woman I could also relate to the protection game. “Our bodies can let go of the fight” – it is so true that it feels like a fight to not feel, not surrender and just be ourselves. It is so much easier when we just let go.
Thank you Adam for sharing this great blog. Yes men and women alike are all born as love and at some time we have traded that beautiful tender love for protection from feeling hurt. What a beautiful path to return to that tenderness and hold it as the preciousness it is and so every one we meet is reminded of where they have come from and that it is possible to live that glory with each other throughout our life.
I love what you’ve opened up Adam, I admit I’ve been playing the game and still do to some degree, but I can also feel the tension and want to really let go and present myself in full, with no guards or shields. There’s so much love there to be expressed and shared with everyone else and I’m starting to feel that it’s actually much more comfortable (and safe) to be open and raw than holding myself guarded and protected.
A Beautiful insight into life as it happens from birth, initially set up by those that want to love and protect us and then taken on by ourselves. Every moment is an opportunity to re-connect and be in true relationship with self and others. As you so honestly expressed Adam – lets make a pact, to truly meet each other and love. Bringing back what is already naturally there is easier than putting in place something that is not.
Really great blog Adam, such a wonderful expose of how men operate. This is an offer to men to drop their guards and to be open and learn a different way. Really beautiful.
Thank you, Adam for this deep insight into the men’s world – which I find not dissimilar to the women’s except some details of course. It’s a beautiful invitation for us all to drop the armour. I used to wear a very chunky one before, and when that started to crack, I found another one that was inverted and squashy in a way that I didn’t recognise it as an amour at first. This is a work in progress for me.
You are right Fumiyo, it is just as relevant for women, although their guard is so often differently expressed. For men, we put all our eggs in one basket. Our first shield is solid and well built, and as such often very intimidating, but once that breaks down there is nothing more. For women I have noticed how their guard is more subtle, not so obvious, and contains layer upon layer of subtle deflections, and thus all the more difficult to see through in that regard.
I loved reading this Adam. I look forward to reading it to my partner. For me, I can certainly feel a wall there which keeps people just the faintest inch away from me. It’s like the vest you have worn, that no one can see, not even you. I can feel this vest, even with my partner who I am so open with – but to a point – there is always a deeper place we can go and I am ready to let go of the invisible vest and be all of me with everyone.
This is such a great blog Adam, and I can feel that it can relate to women just as much as men, although women are a little bit more tricky with how they hide their armour. There is something here for us all to consider, in letting down our guards and talking from the heart with no expectation or fear.
This guarded and self protected life that men lead really does suffocate the chance of true friendship, between men and women.
Very true Matthew. There is a much more profound way of living that is there for all of us to claim and know if only we first open ourselves up to all of life again. Unfortunately this also means opening ourselves up to feeling the darkest corners of corruption that plague this world, and this is what so often makes us retreat into our shell. But he who lives outside of his shell quickly realises that such corruption is only paper thin, no matter how embedded it may seem in the beginning. Love is so much grander, and is in truth incorruptible, even by the greatest darkness.
Exposed Adam is the fact that corruption seems so enormous when we fear and avoid it. As happens for the child who averts their eyes fearfully, the monster lurking in the corner of their bedroom assumes enormous proportions. Look straight at it, and well it fades away in the dark, defeated by the directness. Cower and hide and we are subsumed. Stand up and open ourselves to every aspect of life and what we see can be seen through.
Adam thank you, you have beautifully portrayed the life lived by most of the world, no wonder the wars continue, as we carry around our weapons, and wear battle dress and helmets thinking we are protecting ourselves, maybe from an ingrained fear of rejection. But if we truly considered that we are all connected and all the same inside could we possibly move from rejection to love of self and others. A big leap for sure, but we need to start somewhere and that’s with expressing our awareness of our connection to each other through a genuine smile, a tender word, a gracious hand to assist someone, etc. and all those opportunities are ‘under our noses’ every day.
A beautiful call for us all really Adam. This applies to women just as much as men, it just plays out differently. I will read this blog again and again, I can feel it’s layers which are slowly trickling in.. the question for me right now is when do I ever take my bullet proof vest off?
Me too Kate – as I just wrote in my last comment – I can feel this vest on constantly! I am open and loving with my partner yet I can still feel some reserve there. I feel the reason for this is the person I am with everyone else outside of my home is creating that protection I have with my partner. Every relationship affects the other and if I am not myself with everyone, fully and equally, then that protection is held in my body when I am at home.
This is a great point revans917, I also feel this reserve with my family and partner at times. Reading your comment and this blog made me realise that it is indeed not like I can be guarded at work and then completely open and loving in my other relationships, it is just not how it works. It is great to see this and lovingly change this ingrained way of protecting myself against any potential hurt to a way of living open and surrendered with everyone.
Thank you Kate. I had not considered that it related to women before in this way, but you are right. I have met many women who are just as guarded in their own right as men, and it is illusionary to think that we can just turn our love switch on and off as and when we choose. For the guard we hold is very much a physical thing, experienced as a tightness across the chest for me at least, and I know when my body is held like that it is very hard for me to express love to anybody, even my lovely wife.
I am asking that question of myself Kate. I have recently removed another layer that I have been clinging onto for dear life. Underneath I discovered a deep fear that I am simply not safe in this world. My bullet proof vest made me imagine that I was OK and getting on alright, as long as I ignored the occasional insomnia and the slight trembling in my body lying in bed at night. So now, having glimpsed under the vest and starting to peel it off I can get very honest about what is not working in my life. And start, with great care and respect for myself to do something about it.
Yes that is what I have been feeling too, this protective wall around my heart in case I will get hurt in the world, though thinking it was not there! I love what you say in the end: “And start, with great care and respect for myself to do something about it.” It is with this love and care for ourselves that we can change the way we are living.
That vest feels like the safest vestment. But it is heavy, like lead. It drags us down, makes us slow. Stops us breathing. And living.
You expose the shield I as a man held and still hold but I am getting more and more aware, it is painful to feel how much I hold back of me to just be protected and not be seen for who I truly am. This is something that is changing, I slowly feel that it is not needed to always protect myself and how beautiful it is to truly connect, thank you Adam for this beautiful piece of writing.
Very beautiful Adam!
Adam, the picture that you paint with your powerful description is very bleak yet recognisable. The ‘manly’ qualities that you describe seem to rely on having a private arsenal of metaphorical weapons, ready to ‘administer justice’ to those ‘foolish enough’ to cross your path. At first glance, it made me think of the sort of ethos that drives the super-hero comics or John Wayne films. However, I felt a flicker of recognition as I read on….. . When we subscribe to the notion that ‘self-protection’ means pulling up the drawbridge and shutting ourselves off behind our ten feet thick walls, we are in effect under-siege from nobody but ourselves! You give us a clue as to the remedy when you say…… “Let us look at each other as we might our wife or our daughter.”.. If this reminds us that we can also be caring human beings then so be it . Deep down inside, we all share the same basic qualities and so there is no real need to be adversarial, just a need to connect to our inner-selves, in order to understand each other.
It is a bleak picture Jonathan. As we women, we see the man behind the John Wayne swagger, the superhero cape, and then spend our lives trying to get past the incendiary missiles, over the razor wire and through those 10 feet thick walls.
Of course we women have our own layers of defences to deal with too.
Adam has written a powerful call for all men and women to heed should they chose to live a life of openness and love, not one that is fraught and defensive with every resource dedicated to keeping out the love and connection we all in truth crave.
so beautifully said Rachel.
This blog is a great example of how much dedication and commitment we all have in how we live but it is how we are living that is the point. Guarded or Open? I know for me I have lived many years in protection, guarding myself from any perceived potential hurts. To change this way of living is not to re-invent the wheel it is simply to just change direction and take all the dedication and commitment I have had to keep people at a distance and instead use these qualities to begin to let people in. To train myself in another way of being. The way of being that I know deep inside me is the way back from isolation, misery, hurt and anxiety. It is the way back to Love.
I agree, its a great article of how we make our lives guarded. I know I have done it too. Now I train for that other way of being, the way back to Love.
So true Robyn, it is about re-training ourselves to surrender and be open to love again. Let people in and not hold ourselves and others at arms length. Ahhh the relief of that is palpable, because to live in constant guard is truly exhausting.
And it is exhausting because holding people at arms length goes against our true nature. And I do agree that it does feel good to open up and let people get close – to truly allow others to feel our essence as unguarded as possible.
Thankyou Adam for your open honest sharing.
So where does this all start? In my experience male babies are no less loving than female. May be a second call should go out to all adults to be aware of how they treat young boys and allow them to stay connected to their innate love
Yes Kathie, great question. Through my association with men who are prepared to ‘go there’ and discuss things as Adam has, it is interesting to note there is always rejection in one form or another at quite an early part of our lives. One of the many set ups to take us out of our tenderness, just as girls suffer their own forms of quite relentless attacks to encourage them to close off from their natural beauty and sacredness.
I totally agree Kathie this is a great point to raise and this is something we should all be aware of. It is adults that put the pressure on the young to be or preform in a certain way.
It is not so much just a case of how we treat young boys, but a case of acknowledging just how perceptive young children are. They watch and observe much more deeply than we care to know. I was treated as a young boy with all the care and delicacy in the world, and my mum was determined I would end up knowing my “feminine’ side. Yet as a young boy, I knew what my mum was wanting to foster in me was not what made a true man. And I knew that by observing men in society around me. Not only did I observe men, I observed what women accepted in men. The fact is that men do not enjoy being tender, because it makes them at first feel vulnerable. This is not because tenderness ultimately makes you feel vulnerable, but it does allow you to feel so much more of the world, and at first that can be confronting, if you are at first used to shutting the world out. Women equally do not enjoy a man being tender because it means that he is then less able to be emotionally manipulated.
So, in short, the cycle can only be broken by more men and women embracing each other for the true delicateness and tenderness they hold within. This will then provide the true role models that allow children to embrace their own natural tenderness, and not feel that they have to leave it behind as they grow up.
Thank you Adam for sharing so openly and honestly how it is for men and how it can be as the protection and armour comes away, open tender and sensitive … beautiful.
Alan, you have given us a rare insight into the world of men, inner and outer. It is sad that from infancy boys are fed messages that set the scene for adult men. Young boys often ridiculed if they wear certain colours, show their tender side, want to play with dolls, cry or communicate how they feel. As adults, both men and women are imprisoned by false ideals and beliefs of what it is to be a man and a woman. We are both on the same journey, learning to drop false ideals and beliefs, protective shields, and co-create new ways of being based on love, equality and appreciation.
Adam thank you for this amazing blog. I, for one, often doubted that men could be that tender but it was a reflection of my own choices. You showed us that there is much love waiting to burst out of the hard shell carapace men protect themselves with.
This has really helped me understand men better. Thank you Adam
What an invitation! Who is ready to admit that all they want in life is love? Letting the love within out through tenderness feels amazing – thank you Adam for highlighting the need for this in men and offering practical ways to make a start towards ending the games and wars we wage against each other but ultimately ourselves.
A super read for all men and women as a reminder to look at one’s own shield of armour for protection that has perhaps become so normal and ingraind that we forget it is there. Thank you for sharing Adam.
Adam this a beautiful and profound piece of writing. It was incredibly sad to read as I could imagine the pain of having to live that way but at the same time knowing most men live this way all the time. The sweet inocence of the open and joyful young boy shut away never to be seen again. Men, let me say this hurts us just as much as it hurts you. The pain of me knowing who you really are inside but never seeing that expressed has been one of the deepest hurts I’ve experienced throughout my life. I want you to know it’s safe, that it’s ok to be you, to put your weapons down and remove that armour as something that lays within you is more powerful and glorious than any fear you may have. It’s time to show the world how gorgeous, tender and amazing you are, as we all miss you – deeply.
Kate this is beautifully expressed. I feel exactly the same as Kate. It is such a joy witnessing a man express who he is inside, with tenderness and openness. And painful witnessing him lock himself away under a host of armoury he has adopted.
This article is so accurate of the lifestyle of most men, thouroughly enjoyable read
The tour de France is a great analogy because within that you see clearly the defined hardness needed to survive something very brutal. But it is worth a lot of consideration what us as men put up as a guard to everyday life, a life we have also expected to be brutal. As you say Adam I haven’t been hurt for so long because I have a guard to protect against such an eventuality, except that the guard hurts me more than I could ever feel from bringing it down. It is great to read your take on this, it really exposes to me how much of a game we men play, I relate totally to that score draw in conversations with friends, never allowing for one to be outdone in case that makes me feel lesser. How ridiculous this is.
Thank you all for your supportive comments. When I re-read this now, it is as relevant as the day I wrote it. Two years on I look back at what I wrote, and I can finally say I am now living that call, of course with no perfection. When we open ourselves up to life, to ourselves,and to others, we open ourselves up to a love so deep that we realise in truth that there is no end, no epiphany, and no enlightenment, but rather just something so tangibly real that is obviously our true natural state of being.
Deeply touched by the tenderness and raw honestly in your blog Adam. This is very healing for women and men equally. Removing our layers of protection we can meet again in the place we all know, love.
So easy to understand the game men play through your article Adam.
Thank-you Adam, for sharing so very beautifully on behalf of all men. The world is waiting for the deeply tender, supportive and loving ways a man can bring.
I have been stopped in my tracks and very much appreciate the deeper understanding you have given me on how men live and feel on a daily basis. Your honesty and tenderness is also deeply felt and appreciated.
This is such a wonderful article, every man needs to read it and actually so too does every woman. What an imprisonment to not be able to share what you feel.
Wow Adam, this is an amazing article, thank you for writing it. I have observed this protection with men when they are talking with each other, the conversation topics that stay at a surface level and usually involve sport or drinking and back slapping, I have had the privilege through Universal Medicine to meet some men who are letting go of this protection and allowing themselves to be vulnerable and tender and this melts me, it is so gorgeous to see and feel.
The man you are now Adam is a true testament to the fact that regardless of all the hard ways men can end up playing there is an amazing man just waiting underneath to be let out and lived.
It must be so exhausting for men to live this way. I felt exhausted just reading all that men put on to protect themselves and it feels like it becomes so much a part of them that they do not realise they are doing it, even with those they love.
I agree Sally, how exhausting it is to carry around the load of weaponry and armour.
Adam I am so touched by the level of love you have for men. You have deepened my understanding of allowing men the space and time to learn to dance again! Thank you.
A very powerful, clear blog, thank you Adam. I feel that the guards that I, as a woman, have are quite similar, only I’m more defensive rather then offensive in the way I play it. What inspired me also was that we have to relearn how to hold our body, openly, so it can express freely. I feel the energies in my body, how they make it stand or move, and how there are parts that feel separate. To heal those parts and bring my body together as one gentle, flowing vehicle of expression is the greatest joy.
I’m definitely retraining from the way I used to be and your blog Adam really helped me see how very deep the guard and protection I have had, has really been. Also the comparison thing is a hard one to really get a handle on as just when you think you are on top of it, it raises it ugly head again.
I felt Adam where you explained about arriving home and your wife and daughter can’t hear it when you tell them you love them helps me to understand my confusion when my now ex-husband would come home and I could feel his distance and it allows me to bring understanding as to what it must have felt like for him in his day to be dealing with other men in a business environment where it seems you are all unable to be vulnerable and express from who you truly are. I now understand what it was like for him and realise that I took it personally which lead to a distancing between us. As women it hurts us deeply when the men around us feel unable to express their tenderness and sensitivity, which we do feel but too often never see because of the pressures of the way society wants them to be.
Hi Adam, this is a great blog for men and women, I understand the game, I see it every day where I work. The competition is ugly, but I also see a sweet side to men, when they feel safe enough to let their guard down, it reveals something lovely.
Adam as I was reading your blog images of men in my life flashed by and I could feel the absolute truth of your words. It has opened a door of understanding for me – why sometimes the very tender men/boys I know can be sometimes be unavailable and not present. And I also could feel where I put up my guard at times, sometimes in reaction to that behaviour. As you commented later, it does take training to not go into old patterns of behaviour and build trust.
Thank you Adam for your lovely honest account about men. I now have a better understanding of the protection men put on ,in society; and recognise why it may be difficult to open up and be that tender, loving, sensitive person that all men innately are.
So beautifully expressed Adam and an awesome insight into Men. Amazing to be able to feel this protection you live in and then to be able to see that it is in fact an experience common to all Men. Wow, as a woman I can say that we certainly have our own protection so your wise words are equally supportive to us. But mostly it helps us understand our Men as they allow themselves to be true and truly let us in.
Wow Adam, This is a piece that should be read to all boys growing up. This is truly amazing. A man letting his guard down is just so beautiful. As a wife and as a daughter I have watched the men in my life hold their guard and watched the pain that that has caused them, knowing deep down that there is so much more, such tenderness just wanted to come out.
Thank you Adam, I have much more understanding about men after reading the this, particularly the bit about wearing the armour for so long it’s kind of impossible to shift out of that in other environments and simply let love in or out. It also brought up for me my own competitiveness and the trade off conversations (or one upping) that occurs, even if it’s very subtle.
The protection you talk about Adam begins very early on, boys are made to be men when they are still only boys. It seems quite harmful when a 5 year old is told to ‘toughen up’ when they are sad, I know because i’ve heard the comments. Peeling away these layers of protection can be a challenge, but as you said Tony, we are really all the same and underneath all this is a wonderful warmth of being a man.
Wow Adam I am deeply touched by what you have written and has given me a deeper understanding of how life is for men. My guess is that most men, wouldn’t even know that this is going on for them. And your point about how our bodies configure in a certain way, for protection and then when we want to drop the guard we wonder why it is difficult. It’s difficult because of the configuration. Awesome insight, thanks for starting the conversation.
This is a lovely blog to read over and over again as it emphasises the fact that as men we are all the same, we all wear the fatigues some just choose different colours. I can relate to what Harry said in keeping the guard up just in case. It is this “just in case” that is the killer as it stops us from shining. But by staying in the bunker we are oblivious to the fact that the war we have been fighting may have stopped, it is us that is keeping it going.
The last paragraph in this blog brought tears to my eyes.
How much are we as men actually craving to be the naturally warm, caring, open beings we are. Light – not heavy.
Thanks Adam.
May we men meet often in the street.
Adam, this blog is amazing, expressed and written from the tenderness of the true man that you are, and are reflecting to other men as well. And for us women, we get to feel the truth of a man, the tenderness and endless sensitivity and thus see that these qualities are there in the men we know, even if they’re under lock and key.
Thank you Adam for removing the walls and showing us the true man that you are – strong, sensitive, aware and very very wise.
“The game that is playing me,”: i found this phrase a poignantly and profoundly truthful description of what occurs with men as they engage in the way Adam describes so graphically here. And then alone with a woman , like me, they all claim that are not “like other men.” That is, they feel in that moment that they are not hard, guarded, competitive. I would love to see all men opening communication and love with other men. It’s time, guys, to stop allowing this game to play you.
Very true Coleen, although the game I wrote about plays women equally so. And part of the problem for men is that on one hand men they know women are asking them to open up, but on the other hand they know that women are also silently communicating the fact that they actually want a man who is capable of being strong, of being the provider and the protector. And so the man is forever being communicated mixed messages about who he thinks he needs to be in order not to be rejected by not just other men, but also by women and society as a whole.
I know from my own experience in my early life that when I truly opened up, I was often rejected by women. You know, the old saying – “he would make a great father or the marrying type, but I just don’t want him as a boyfriend”, or when women say they are attracted to a man who is “dark and mysterious”, which is another way of communicating that a woman is attracted by a man who is not actually open. I know these are cliches, and not all women would subscribe to this way of thinking, but it is indicative of the fact that the way we protect ourselves as men – whilst is largely and absolutely our own doing that we need to take responsibility for – is equally a way of being that suits and is exploited by many women as well, born out of their own need to have someone to protect and shield them from the world.
I very much relate to your experience in early life Adam and the lived reality of the old saying – “he would make a great father or the marrying type, but I just don’t want him as a boyfriend”. In my teens and early twenties I found when I was open, tender and sensitive most woman I met were not attracted to that whereas my male friends who did not show their sensitivity seemed to more easily attract the girls. So in trying to avoid that rejection I spent years trying to emulate how the other guys were.
Beautiful Adam, it also made me realize that as a woman I often felt uncomfortable with groups of men, because there would not be a true connection. As soon as I would be with a man one on one it would be totally different! So the pressure of performing as a man in groups is really high and I understand that it is not easy to take off the armour in a world that is not honoring the innate tenderness of men.
Such an insightful and inspiring blog Adam that I really relate to, thank you for speaking so clearly on behalf of all men. It is that ‘just in case I get hurt’ protection that is so tricky to drop and does indeed get in the way of the love that we definitely feel and really if we are honest are desperate to express to those around us. The question I am left with is the armour hurting us more than any imagined or potential hurt we might feel by being open and vulnerable?
I feel moved by the insight you have provided here Adam into the current world of men, and particularly with how tenderly you have assessed the experience and the intention behind interactions that do not quite go as deep as they could. I love your call out to all men with an invitation to also observe and consider a deepening expression in life.
A very inspiring blog, as men we are constantly checking and measuring how much the other person is going to be open with me, how safe is this situation and am I going to be hurt. It’s exhausting to live in this way and takes a huge amount of energy to maintain. Adam I appreciate your honesty and courage to expose how as men we have been living.
A great blog Adam. Training to be warm, loving and tender. That is what we should be teaching our children at school.
I can feel the beauty and the sadness of all this. The beauty of what is being craved and of what is possible; and the sadness that what is being lived is not this beauty of connection and love.
What a beautiful blog Adam. It gave me an insight into the world of men and what goes on for them – how the armour they have on really feels.
Beautiful and insightful sharing, Adam. One which I as a woman can relate to as well. Hardening to protect, not really being open and showing all of me, I trained that way for many years. I love exercising the other way now.
I find the resounding truth in this blog disturbing. It has described a way of being for men we all feel yet allow it and strangely have accepted this lesser way as how it is. I applaud you Adam for the rawness you allow yourself to go to to really feel the confines and loneliness many men exist within. It is time men and their true essence is known and celebrated.
Thank you Deane for this heart felt comment. It has truly touched me.
I loved reading this blog again Adam, absolutely touching and so lovingly revealing. It’s time for all of us to start dropping our armours and surrender to being the love we are. Starting to understand that we are all made of the same stuff, we can start to re-build our trust in ourselves and others.
You make it very clear that we can’t just switch from one mode to another in an instant – being truly open, loving and vulnerable takes a bit of practice, but we also know it well because we were that and nothing but that as kids. Could we possibly be honest about the fact that we all want it and that it is time to bring it back, to bring us back?
yes very true Gabriele. It is inherent in us to be that way, as is proofed by the fact that every child knows the wonder of life to some degree (unless they are subject to something horrific early on) and yes, there needs to be a deep honesty to want that connection again we had as children, if we are to again live it as adults. But even then, it does take training – not because it is a way of being that we need to aspire to or learn from scratch (for as you pointed out it is inherent in us all), but rather that the structure of society does not support us to be that way, and we have not supported ourselves to be that way either for much of our adult life. So, it takes a form of discipline at first to develop the confidence to live openly and without protection. It takes inspiration from another to keep up that discipline, to remind us of the love we are capable of holding. Being open is a way of holding the body. It is very physical, and so just like sport, at first it takes time to train the body to hold itself that way. All of the facets that we attribute to training for anything – the discipline, the constant inspiration, the repetitiveness and consistency of approach, commitment etc – all are equally valid in this regard, and super important.
Thank-you Adam for your truly beautiful and freeing blog, particularly the part in your response here where you say, it takes a form of discipline at first to develop the confidence to live openly and without protection, this is a great reminder, that it is something that we have trained ourselves out of being as it is our most natural way and we all deeply know this, so be patient and consistent and just keep letting others in at every opportunity and situation.
I like this analogy Adam that similar to training for a sport it takes commitment, dedication and inspiration to change our default ingrained behaviours because, as you say, they have become so ingrained that on one level we have ceased to be aware of them even though if we are honest we can feel the harm they cause every day.
This is exquisite Adam. Thank you for revealing so openly the depth of tenderness and love felt through your words, truly inspiring.
amazing Adam. how much longer can I hold up the armour until I say enough is enough and just be true. Even though it seems like I don’t carry much armour anymore, I know I do. Its there just in case. Because I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I think I get hurt, but that is not true. I only hurt myself by keeping up the armour and not letting my divine self shine through.
Yes Harry, there are two types of armour. The outward armour that we present to the world to protect us and assist us to forge our way forward, and the armour we use to withdraw from the world so that we do not get hurt equally so – aka the hermit crab.
I love the deep honesty Harry. You have nailed those 2 kinds of armour Adam. For me, the armour keeping myself in is the hardest one to take off.
This is so true Harry, ‘I think I get hurt, but that is not true. I only hurt myself by keeping up the armour’, I have become aware recently that I protect my femaleness, my fragility and delicateness and I am aware that me being hard and trying to protect these qualities only stops me from being fully open and loving with myself and other people, time to let go of the protection, it does not work!
Well said Rebecca. No it does not work. We just keep building up the tension on the inside until we let out that femaleness and truly let people see how delicate, sensitive and joy-full we are.
So beautifully said harryjwhite and I totally agree – ‘I only hurt myself by keeping up the armour and not letting my divine self shine through’. This is the simple truth, and as Adam presents, returning to this quality in ourselves requires commitment to a loving training regime….and a giant dollop of surrender.
What it is to be a man, explained in a way that leaves this woman silent…still…understanding.
I feel exactly the same after reading this- silent and still understanding.
Thank you Adam for offering this amazing insight into men. I now feel I have more understanding to what men go though and how they have built up their protection to avoid being hurt. It is gorgeous to feel your tenderness through this writing as you call out to men to connect more to theirs.
Beautifully said Carola, this blog is such an amazing read – helping us to understand what is going on for men. And to know that many are now willing to dropping their armours and let their tender love in and out.
Agreed Carola, I can feel not just Adam’s tenderness but the tenderness of all men, even with the protection they build up. If men start letting us see the tenderness we will have some work cut out for us as women.
Yes Carola, what Adam has shared give such great insight and understanding of how men protect themselves from being hurt and the tenderness that is who they truly are beneath this protection.
Adam that is an incredible insight into men for us women to read. I really got to feel what goes on. I also got to feel the tenderness behind the shield. It really is preposterous how men and women are living their lives from a place of protection. What kind of relationships are we having when both of us are behind a shield ? Wow and what kind of relationships would we be having if neither of us had a shield ? Oh the world is aching so deeply for true love.
Very pertinent questions Alexis. What is the quality and depth of our relationships if we are all hiding the tenderness of who we truly are behind a protective shield? When we start to be honest about this, we immediately start to see the shield that we’ve created and little by little it comes away. Confronting as Adam shares at first, but so amazingly worth it.
Adam what can I say. I truly felt every word of your amazingly beautiful blog. It is definitely about re-training ourselves to all let go of our armour and share the glory we all are. Yes it may be tough at first but it gets a whole lot easier if you practise.
Thanks Kelly, and the amazing fact is that is actually does not take that much training to remove the armour, for in fact all we are doing is reconnecting to our natural way of being, thus why it returns so easily, and why it actually takes so much effort and energy to maintain and build our fortress of protection.
Maintaining ‘the fortress’… indeed and absolutely exhausting…
Revisiting this amazing piece of writing again today, I am completely blown away, and tears have come in your exposition of the misery of living behind the walls we ourselves create.
You have nailed the divisions between men, and between us all, that hold humanity so tragically apart from each other. And, you have shown the way forward – to open our hearts, and be willing to let it start from ‘us’.
This piece offers the deepest understanding, for all men and women alike. Thank-you from my all, Adam Warburton.
The training does indeed take time. A truly inspiring blog that is for men and women both.
Beautiful article Adam. If men start to dismantle the armour then they will be able to express from the loving tenderness they naturally are.
A very powerful article Adam. Indeed, if we (men and women) are sincere and willing, we can all dismantle “the wall” we have put-up and take off the armour.
I love the awareness and willingness to re-train that you offer men and women. Thank you Adam
Extraordinary writing Adam, so honest and true. Such a powerful call to not be afraid to be who we are, let down the pretence and share our tenderness with others. Just beautiful, thank you.
I felt the tension in my body as I read this..
And then I felt the tension ease as I realised I can also train to show my tender side..
Thanks Adam for reposting this blog
Very deeply touching Adam, thank you for writing this. Every word is true.
Such a great blog to read Adam. I have noted the level of competition between men when they speak a few times now, it is quite clear and what you have written has described what I have seen to the T (Well sort of, no physical Armour or weapons but there might as well be). What we have trained for does have a lasting effect on our bodies, it is easy to see when one has been doing it for so long, the body actually begins to show it- the hard and ridged postures from constricting the body for too long.
Hi Emily, I agree. The competition in us runs deep in ways we are not even aware of. But if we were able to acknowledge and be vulnerable within ourselves, we would see that what is underneath our competitive ways is nothing more than a desire to be seen and met. Unfortunately, the competition puts up a wall that prevents us from receiving the very thing we crave
It seems a tad backwards doesn’t it? I serve many male customers throughout the day at work, often they come up with a huge wall, lots of armor, quite rough and i think i am in for a bit of a confrontation. Yet almost every time I realize they are super tender and they just become big teddy bears really and leave with a smile. The wall goes away slightly. A lot of people base the upcoming interaction with another based on the wall they see, and brace themselves for impact. Sometimes it seems you can side step and see behind that wall and every interaction is golden though
Said simply and clearly “what have you trained for?”
How can you love when you have trained yourself to keep people away.
How can you love when you hold a guard?
How can a body builder do the splits?
I wrote this a long time ago, but still every word rings true, and it is so good to come back and re-read this, if only to remind myself of who I am.
I feel so exposed that it makes me come to a full stop. – and explore the dimension of what you have laid out so openly.
That bullet-proof vest has no buttons or zips we have to cut it off. I really enjoyed reading this article and the invitation to us all to be more open and truly loving.
I love how you have described how we go out into the world prepared for battle. No wonder so many people are suffering with ill-ness and dis-ease.
Very beautiful, thank you a gift of writing. Such an accessible and simple article about something that can be a prison for some. Such an insight on what is occurring in handshakes and conversations and how this can be altered through choice and practice.
Adam this blog is awesome and makes so much sense! How we train the body to be a certain way and think we can just switch that off when we get home – get real! It also really helped me understand why changing takes time because its about allowing, opening up and learning a new way of being that won’t just happen unless we commit to it. I felt so much of what you said I could relate to and I’m female! Wow thanks for the healing.
thanks Judy. We need to get over the physicality of the differences between the genders and understand that deep down, we are all deeply sensitive beings, all desperately wanting to be appreciated for who we are. Unfortunately the world does not encourage us to stay open to love and to each other, rather it almost implores us to keep the guard up – to our own detriment
This is so true, it is almost illusional the difference between male and female, because men as much as women are innately tender and sensitive, and that battle of the sexes rubbish is just another trick to stop the beautiful relating that is possible between any human beings. All it takes is a willingness to de-train the guard and shield we have built that we have put up to keep others out, and to appreciate the amazing qualities that each individual holds.
Adam, fantastic. You’ve described it simply and clearly, if we prepare for the Tour de France, then our bodies can’t dance – we’ve not allowed the space for that, and so it is for love! This nails it for us all men and women. Great call for us all. Thank you.
Thank you Adam for telling the world what we have always done…and defended. It’s the elephant that walks around our house and we pertend it doesn’t exist. As you have said ‘it is time let us really see’ so we can be who really are.
Thanks Adam for your openness and honesty – you have deeply touched my heart.
I read this to my husband and by the end paragraph I could hardly get it out through the tears… very powerful and also hopeful, the potential for re-training has always been there and it starts with seeing ‘the game’ for what it truly is. Thanks Adam.
That’s really beautifully said Adam, very inspiring. Thank you.
‘ “I love you”, I say, but it echoes inside my helmet, an empty sound if ever I heard one. ‘
I love this quote from your post as it starts to ask the question. . . What is love?
What is love? We use the word love all of the time but what is it and are we flippant with this word? Do we honour it, is it sacred to us, does it have a certain quality or feel to it? Or is it merely the case that if we use this word ‘Love’, then what we have referenced with love is love?
I have used the word ‘love’ a lot in my life and I am only now beginning to question what love actual represents when I use that word. And if it is really possible to use this word if I am feeling hurt, wounded, resentful or guarded?
Your writing has touched me very deeply. I am so thankful for your sharing and totally awesome expression Adam.
Go Adam… Amazing sharing!
Wow! Thank you Adam, there is so much contained within your blog. I’m still digesting…
This is so beautiful. Thank you Adam.
An inspirational piece for all of us Adam… true poetry
I loved reading this Adam,thank you … we all feel the truth of what you have shared so beautifully and so great you have expressed it so clearly. Very touching, Yippee !
Thanks Adam – that was truly beautiful to read. What an awesome message to be real, letting our guards down and allow true heart connection. As a woman I am reminded of how I allow comparison in and putting up my wall seems to be simultaneous with avoiding eye contact. The eyes expose a lot, but what is to hide when we know the love within? We are always enough.
I am a woman, but I know exactly what you mean, Adam.
Actually I supported that way of being, the ´knight my husband’ to protect me from the outside world – then I wanted him to be the lovely and gentle men and father at home. Now it makes sense why it did not function. Thank you for this revelation.
Yes Sonja, it is worth considering the role women have played for men to feel it is necessary to build a fortress and guard it with an array of personalised ammunition. As women are we not guarded to some extent too? Are there ideals that we expect a man to live up to – as you say Sonja ‘the protector’, ‘saviour’? A ‘knight in shining armour’ says it all – what do we expect our men to be for us and is this what we really want in our relationships?
Awesome and inspiring words Adam. Enough is enough – it is time to be truly loving with each other once again.
What a great painting you have so colourfully and touchingly painted. Thank you Adam for expressing so symbolically the man behind the armour, though from these words he is standing open and his weapons are all on the floor.
Truly words of wisdom.
Thank-you for this deeply touching piece, for us ALL to recognise where we are not open, and not living as the deeply loving beings we have the potential to be. And thank-you personally, dear husband, for dropping the shielding and armour, letting go the weapons, one by one, and sharing your heart. You are most amazing and beautiful.
In absoluteness, Vic XX
Love your comments Victoria.
Training is so very important. Thank you for speaking about that in particular in this article. We need to allow ourselves time to retrain and it takes practice to live in a different way to how we have been. Patience and acceptance are key elements in the retraining process. Excellent article. Thank you for sharing and practicing letting yourself out by expressing what you have here. Very much appreciated.
‘the game I started to play long ago continues, only now it is the game that is playing me’ – this is a startling turn of phrase one that I feel deeply…thank you for calling it.
Adam I can really really feel this blog, see the sideways glances and feel the hard shield – because I have seen it and done it. For so many years before Universal Medicine I found social events so utterly shallow and dissatisfying – because I was doing this and feeling it all around me. I was always looking for true connection but was seeking it outside. There is nothing playful about this game because it is so guarded and joy-less. Thanks for being the voice that has exposed this ‘game’ on paper in such a powerful and graphic way.
Well said Lyndy!
You’ve nailed it Adam (but then again you are a builder). Your article resonates with how I’ve held others at length. In the last paragraph you present a wonderful challenge…and I’m up for it!
Wow Adam, I can feel such a deep level of healing taking place within in my body as a woman upon reading your inspirational words, it is beautiful to see the level in which you allow yourself to surrender, while calling all your fellow brothers to also surrender, very very powerful, thank you Adam.
Wow what an amazing post Adam. Such an insight into how it really is for so many men out there, and this post will be something I share with my two young boys for sure….
Awesome Adam, had this very conversation with my business partner yesterday and have been trying to have a soft ‘man to man’ chat for weeks but alas that old fashioned ‘with boys bravado’ always seems to prevail. It’s tough to let go of the old guard and allow your self to be venerable, I’m learning slowly that it’s about timing with a lot of my mates -they have a healthy respect for my slowly emerging softness but take the absolute piss when we are in a group i.e., playing golf, doing jits, or other manly activities. So for me it’s about being comfortable just being me all the time and being proud of who I really want to become – the man I show my children and partner. Thanks mate, will look forward to having the chat in the street, cheers Robbo.
Absolutely beautiful Adam. I am speechless. Thank you.
Oh Glory!
I am stunned.
It is so shockingly true.