Not the typical man-to-man conversation

by Francis Tybislawski, Brisbane, Australia

I attended a Universal Medicine presentation recently, hosted by Serge Benhayon, where there was discussion about how men interact with each other, and the types of conversations they have. In general men are very good at talking or interacting in a certain way and about certain subjects. It is very easy for us to discuss technical things, how things work, how we build things, how we make things work, and what we do for a living. We can discuss sport for hours on end and we discuss things at home, but often in a clinical and structured way. We may venture into how certain things feel, but it is often from a competitive angle. In some ways many conversations are competitive, always proving (or trying to) that our lives are better than other men’s lives, the things we own or have are better than somebody else’s. We use our assets to prove we are doing fine, that our lifestyle is great and consistently growing better.

What we don’t often do is communicate at the human level, about feelings and emotions, in an open and personal way. The closest most men would get to talking about a feeling is to say “I felt like &$*%”, and that would probably be after boasting at length about how drunk they got on the weekend, again showing that they can do that better than the other person. To summarise, most conversations men have are very structured, they stay within rigid boundaries, and going outside those boundaries is not something most men can or will ever do.

A few days ago I had a brief conversation with a fellow worker near the end of an eight hour shift. I have been working on and off with this man for five weeks teaching him a specific role, how to do certain tasks, how to manage certain situations, what needs to be documented and how it is documented. I wasn’t alone in this task as my colleague has also had tuition from others during this period. This day, however, was his assessment on his ability to perform the task on one of the busiest days of the week, to manage all the work himself, and deal with any situations or incidents that developed. He did have some unusual situations arise and he managed them well, ultimately passing the assessment easily. After his assessment I had a brief opportunity to chat with him about the assessment, how he thought it went, and some of the situations he had to deal with. I was also able to offer some additional information from my former role to help explain one incident he dealt with in more detail.

Nothing unusual so far, just a typical man-to-man conversation about work. At this point I felt to share something more personal with him.

Rather than continue that typical man-to-man type of conversation, I just had to express something else, and I don’t know why this came up, it came as a feeling which I then let articulate into a few words. I looked him straight in the eyes and simply expressed that I was quite impressed with how quickly he had learned this new role.

It was as simple as that.

There was no competitive-ness or comparison.

There was an acknowledgement of equality between us.

We had connected in a very different way to what he and I were accustomed to, and I could tell from his face and expression that he too felt the difference deeply. I felt a warmth suddenly fill my body, I felt a sense of expansion within like I was filling up some empty space inside that had been missing for ages. At this very moment I felt like I was going to burst into tears.

Why, I’m not totally sure, but I believe it is due to the fact that, as men, we rarely if ever speak so openly to each other about the personal things in life. I was feeling the built up sadness within from holding that back for so long, and for missing it for so long. I had crossed that boundary line, ever so briefly, where men’s conversations typically and purposefully avoid going because it isn’t seen as being a manly quality. It doesn’t fit that strong, hard, macho image that is pushed into us throughout life, in almost everything we see and do. It certainly felt very different, a little uncomfortable, but very uplifting. It was like part of a long held burden was lifted and I felt so much lighter and freer than ever before.

Once again I can only thank Serge Benhayon, and others involved with Universal Medicine, for simply presenting that there can be a different way of living; a way that is much more meaningful, and lovely to experience.

357 thoughts on “Not the typical man-to-man conversation

  1. I love reading this Frank – very beautiful how you opened up and didn’t hold back – a simple few words but when said from the heart can make a big difference.

  2. Men and women, our conversations are often just about sussing each other out, and not necessarily about connecting with each other – and that maybe our typical and normal, but definitely not true to what we are.

  3. There has been a few times as a man I have been in situations like this making a deeper connection with other men as described. I found most men react and their deepest concern is that the belief and ideals about being gay comes in and scares them into thinking this is a ” Gay ” situation . Once I reassure them that I am not gay they lighten up and appreciate the connection made.

  4. Just being ourselves is not something we do often with others, really showing who we are and express as in our family or with our partner. Truly expressing and showing ourselves can feel like a sip of water when we are very thirsty – I wonder why we do it not more often!

    1. It does catch us off guard when another expresses appreciation to us and at the same time when we, in turn, do the same to other men. Why do we as men when women express appreciation to us we just become ducks and like water, let it roll off our backs?

  5. The words ‘pushed into’ felt so accurate as I read this. The imposed expectations of what a man in our society should look like and how he should behave. And I also know that feeling of joy when we open up and express ourselves, showing appreciation of another with no comparison, jealousy or competition in sight. It is such a feeling of liberation from a lifetime ‘contest’ between men.

  6. The expression ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ come to mind reading this today. Even though it may have felt like a giant leap you were taking by opening up, it is in these small steps – and having the courage to take them – that we are truly going to progress mankind.

  7. Men have to prove themselves constantly. They have to do it in two different ways: they have to prove that they are not A and that they are B. So, life goes between A and B. No wonder why life does not feel very expansive and why images of expansion are always alongside B.

  8. I have watched someone I know over the years who could not bear to be touched let alone be hugged ever so slowly melt. And he is now absolutely gorgeous very sweet and tender and there is so much more to go.
    And we are all like this if we are given the space and the love and the reassurance that it’s okay to live this way and not have to put on this macho persona.

  9. It is usually the simplest of things in life that are profound and life changing. Letting go of old and familiar ways of being can feel daunting but when we openly embrace the next step as you did Frank it can be amazing what unfolds.

  10. It’s amazing just how much the body communicates, when you broke through the typical boundaries of male conversation your body was flooded with warmth. In those moments we let our true selves be present, instead of bowing to the confines of how we are moulded by society.

  11. It is heartwarming to read about you expressing your appreciation for your colleague and how you felt the expansion this offered. Here’s to many more conversations like this.

  12. Deeply appreciating what you are offering here Frank and how this has the potential to revolutionise the conversations that men typically have. As soon as one dares to lower their protection everyone feels it and the opportunity it offers to reflect a deeper connection and truer way of communicating.

  13. This is truly beautiful and I am inspired to connect and appreciate the simple things in life after reading this blog. For it is these moments that change the world’s currency.

  14. This is awesome Frank, it is those moments when men can meet each other as equals that true intimacy can be felt and this is healing for both, as there is no longer the need to compete only the appreciation of each other’s qualities.

  15. Thank you Frank for a simply beautiful sharing, it is not normal when men relate to one another to show appreciation for the qualities that are seen and felt, but in your few words it was a beautiful heart to heart connection.

  16. Yes, I miss real communication with men. I lived at a yoga center for awhile, and although it was mostly women there were a few brave men [like myself} that were open to real communication. This made me realize how much I missed it.
    I am out in the world now, and have started a group that is based around just having real conversation. No men yet but it will happen, because it is what we all want want.

  17. It’s beautiful how you show that we can communicate a lot without necessarily using heaps of words – that the energy behind what is being said is what matters most.

  18. Boys are taught to become men who are tough, do not cry and are anything but soft, yet men’s true essence is tender and gentle, they are loving and caring and when you meet men who live from their essence you cannot but love and admire their ability to be themselves.

  19. A beautiful message to equally men and women. Sharing a true meaningful conversation is what we should always have, talking about feelings, being open to seeing each other and receiving other men’s openheartedness etc. That is what we are here to do, no protected-behavior is true of our nature and neither is it the way we should express with each other anyway.

  20. It is amazing what being open and appreciating another can do .. makes me wonder if I appreciate people enough .. including myself.

  21. A joy to read how you were able to open up and express your appreciation. Yesterday my 12-week teaching class came to an end, and I had so much appreciation for all of the women that I just had to write it all down and tell them. Most of the ladies are from Turkey, and they speak very limited English but managed to convey that they felt that I come from the heart and that we are all the same inside – I had to agree with them.

  22. Frank, what your blog reveals to me is, how when we let our guard down and open up to what we receive to share with another, the relationship between us deepens and becomes more loving and this creates space for magic to occur.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s