Men: what mess are we truly in?

by Lee Green, Perth, Australia

In a recent article in the Brisbane Courier Mail New age ‘medicine’ of Serge Benhayon leaves trail of broken families” written by Josh Robertson and Liam Walsh, there were a couple of references about women which on first reading I thought nothing of: “… which has 2000 mainly female followers”; “After breast massage, clients are told to use Universal Medicine cream to deter bad energy, and to not allow their partners to touch them without permission”. In all honesty I can say that it did not stir anything in me, it was like I could see the words and yet nothing moved.

Yes, I can admit that on first read it was like the lines were glossed out, foggy, I could not see the ‘truth for the lies’, so to speak. I then read more of the responses from others, all women with the same strong message that this was not acceptable and a denigration of women. I felt uncomfortable, awkward and part of something much bigger and more subtle than I could imagine.

I was then able to comment on the articles because I too could feel the harm, but not truly how menacing the words were. I asked the questions as much for myself as for others to ponder.

I went back to the original article and realised – actually baulked at the inference that women were somehow stupid and docile, like sheep who followed under the orders of a man’s wish. To me this displays an arrogance where women are regarded as secondary, without respect for what they choose; that they have rights; that they are our equals.

It was then that the depth of this started to unravel. Yes I was squirming, yes I got angry, and sad, and really did not know what to do with what I was feeling.

Had I been part of this for so very long? Was I party to it? Was I in my own way responsible too for the way that a woman is viewed, treated and lived with? The resounding YES reverberated around my body and I felt stunned, shocked and deeply upset.

I recognise that there is a lot worse behaviour out there in the world, but I have to admit that I too have been held by beliefs and ideals that put a woman second. The abuse you see here demonstrated is much more subtle and more refined than we really know. I have protested, mostly silently, that the washing is not my job. I have, like many others, chosen to hide in work to escape a share in the household chores. I have gotten angry and used my voice and physical presence to dominate and show force to get what I want. I have made it all about me – ‘I am the man’, ‘I am the most important’, ‘I bring home the bacon’.

Men: what mess are we truly in?

The way that men have treated women with utter disdain and disregard has been evident over centuries. It continues in all societies – even with the more recent “equality”. For a long time women were not eligible to vote, a ‘fight’ for equality was sought, and was one that resulted in a ‘victory’. But is it possible that in such an event, the control was always ever with the men? That there was an unconscious intention to bring about a challenge by women, resulting in women further succumbing to the wills of men; that they may be brought into the male world where you get what you fight for?

How utterly miserable that we as men have allowed such degrading of women the world over and that this continues unchecked, without remorse or a STOP.

Is it possible that in order to ‘play ball’ we allow women some surface freedom, but really deeply control them by the many beliefs that we subscribe to, including the ‘fact’ that men are ‘in charge, in control’.

The home I grew up in was one of those see-saw homes. One minute the sun was shining and you were soaring high into the clouds full of joy, laughing and loving everything – the next plunged into the shadows where reality struck hard and fast and made you cry for hours: domestic violence. For those that have experienced it first hand it is a ‘living hell’. Frightening and fearful it tears at every living membrane, terrifying every moment. As children you huddle together knowing deeply what is happening… but completely powerless. My father drank and abused alcohol. The punching and screaming was deafening and yet nothing was ever done to stop this. He was the man ‘in charge’, ‘in control’, ‘the provider’, ‘the breadwinner’. Neighbours would support through the bad times, until the sun started appearing through the clouds again and things felt settled, a little calmer. And then it would happen again. And it always did.

How is it possible that a whole extended family, neighbours and friends would never intervene?

How is it possible that the law would not pull this man aside and put an end to all that was done?

How is it possible that society turned a blind eye?

“…the man knows how to run his house…as long as he didn’t hurt her too much or kill her it will sort itself out…”

When my father beat my mother it was not one man against one woman. It was in fact the ‘whole of man’ forcefully seeking control over the ‘whole of women’.

Startling statistics exist on domestic violence and yet what appears to be happening is even more dangerous… the media are denigrating women everywhere with their insufficient research and sensationalist angles. In a recent topic paper published by the Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse, titled ‘Australian Statistics on Domestic Violence’1, the following statistics were reported:

*23% of women who had ever been married or in a de-facto relationship, experienced violence by a partner at some time during the relationship.

42% of women who had been in a previous relationship reported violence by a previous partner.

Half of women, 1 in 2 experiencing violence by their current partner experienced more than one incident of violence. Injuries sustained were mainly bruises, cuts, and scratches, but also included stab or gunshot wounds, and other injuries.

12% of women who reported violence by their current partner at some stage during the relationship, said they were currently living in fear.

The above data cannot reflect the true picture of women’s experiences of domestic and family violence as it does not record other forms of abuse; emotional, social and financial etc. that often occur alongside the violence.

Denigrating women through words, as those seen in the Courier Mail article, cements certain beliefs that support physical and mental abuse against women; i.e., ‘what do they know’? It is not a big jump to domestic violence.

So what message gets passed on, and what does society allow when it says nothing – allows, then turns its ‘proverbial back’? ‘That it is fine… really, they are only women.’ It is appalling that the abuse continues at this level, and even more appalling is that it is not checked on any level. Now it seems that the media is happy to weigh in with their throwaway comments. IT IS NOT INNOCENT.

There is a line here that has been stood on for centuries, that is still being abused everywhere, even now in the western ‘more civilised’ nations it is very subtle and has far reaching effects. Is it possible that ‘the media’ no longer recognises that there is an equality of man and woman? That for all the words and hat-tipping to the ‘women’ it is just that, a show, a ruse with dire consequences that women have borne the brunt of for ages. The beliefs and ideals that have been so deftly hidden and tucked away are now spilling out for all to see and read.

What have we allowed into a world that ‘pretends’ at being equal?

Is it possible that as men we have a responsibility in everything that we do, write, say, touch, think?

Is it possible that when we are angry at the women we live with, that we are expressing anger towards all women?

Is it possible that fueling the abuse against women everywhere is that expressed anger and frustration?

I know for a fact I am not responsible for all of the abuse against women. Yet as a man I am learning that every action has a consequence. I just did not realise how big until today. It has gone unchecked for so long in our world it is time that we as men all stepped up and faced the truth that we are so far away from. Stop, take stock and start to walk back toward it.


1 – Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse Topic Paper:

Australian Statistics on Domestic Violence;

287 thoughts on “Men: what mess are we truly in?

  1. This is a long overdue discussion on a new perspective of Abuse of Women and other subtle but all too often use of put downs by men on women. We must not just accept that it only happens to some women but recognise the statistics say it happens to most women some time in their lives. Thank you for being brave enough to share your truth.

  2. Lee what an incredible blog. So exposing and raw. Calling to account our responsibility in putting a stop to all you have shared.

  3. Love the honesty in this blog. I would say there is a huge consciousness that says ‘we must mind our own business regardless of what is going on’ but every time we ignore abuse in any way, shape or form we say ‘Yes’ to it for it is impossible to be impartial when energy is read. Thanks Lee for sharing.

  4. Great to expose the control and domination that men in the world continue to try and wield over each other and over women, which ultimately is a symptom of them losing their way and being completely dominated and subjugated by the world which ‘beats’ them repeatedly from very young to be in a way that is completely contrary to their natural and tender ways. As a result men do feel lost at sea and very fearful and insecure and so seek security and control at all costs even if this means hurting others. As a society we need to take a long and detailed look at what is happening to our young boys and men and how we are all responsible for this.

  5. Thank you Lee for this incredibly honest blog and for your step in the direction to honour women and bring to more light the obvious and not so obvious abuse that continues.

  6. Amazing article Lee. There is so much we do not want to see and that we collude with convincing ourselves that we are somehow then better than the more extreme cases … but our collusion allows the extreme, and until we’re willing to address that the extremes will continue … the truth is anything which degrades another no matter how small is the abuse.

  7. Beautiful honesty Lee. Domestic abuse doesn’t start when a man hits a woman, it starts long before. And even if at the point it starts and at various places along the spectrum, domestic violence may be in no way present, it is all in the same pool. Until we address the deeper layers that you have opened up and exposed, we’ll all stay in that same icky pool.

  8. Thank you Lee for sharing so honestly your own feelings about domestic violence, abuse towards women by men. It is so imbedded in society especially in men that women are inferior, are less, religion has a large part to play in this respect, with the man being head of the house, so beautiful for you to feel so deeply into your own part and to come to understand the very subtle actions that don’t look like abuse but ultimately are the forerunner of abuse.

  9. Abuse can be very subtle and does not have to be physical, as in fists and kicks. Abuse is in our language, written and spoken and it is the means by which we perpetuate the misery we all live in, men as well as women. We might make all the right gestures, perform our duties, open doors and tip our hat but as long as the underlying sentiment has not changed, nothing has truly changed.

  10. Great blog Lee, I loved reading all that you wrote especially ‘I know for a fact I am not responsible for all of the abuse against women. Yet as a man I am learning that every action has a consequence. I just did not realise how big until today.’ A truly beautiful statement and if we brought our children up to realise that there are consequences and how to take responsibility then the world would start to change.

  11. Yes, it is a big ‘ouch’ to acknowledge how easily and subtly the abuse of women occurs, irrespective of the overt abuse, and what is even subtler is that through that abuse men are also abused. Everyone is a loser, there are no winners.

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